Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

I have been reading and trying to keep up, but just so down lately that I haven't posted. I don't feel like right now I have anything to say that anybody couldn't go the rest of their life without hearing me say. I'm just so tired of trying to figure out how to be whatever it is I'm supposed to be. I am weary of myself and would like to just sleep my way through the rest of this year and the 13th of January and the 19th, which would have been his 23rd birthday. I feel like nothing interests me much at all and I could not care less about most anything you can name. I don't know when I will get out of this funk or how to do it. I'm just tired.

Kathy-I'm so sorry about the money, I hope they don't enjoy one thing they do with it.

Carol and Ralph-Thinking of you both and your family

Dee-Loved the pictures and the dress.

Lorri-Love the t-shirts

Colleen-Hugs to you

Leah-It is good to hear from you

Sorry to be such a downer, I'm just working through this the best way I know how.

[RonnieAlt]

I lost my 31 year old daughter Cherry Lynn to heroin on 10/14/2011. I can't believe she is gone, it seems to be getting harder not easier to keep going, especially with the holidays. People seem to avoid me, like they may catch death from me and pass it on to their children. Others say stupid things that make me want to scream. Others don't know what to say or do and everything is awkward. Some give sage advice and words of wisdom, those seem to be the ones that have suffered great loss themselves, so that s why I am here. I cannot bring myself to go to a "group" at least not right now. Sorry for how long this post is, guess I haven't really talked to anyone in a while...

My gorgeous daughter Cherry Lynn was a compassionate, generous person who lived every moment to it's fullest. She had empathy for everyone especially children, because she was so hurt as a child by an abusive step-father. When she would talk to children, she would get down on one knee to communicate with them on their level. She listened intently to them and really connected with them no matter what else was going on in the room. She loved her baby brother, James so much, he was 14 years younger than her, and she cared for him all the time. We used to joke around with her because she would go to school with baby spit-up on her shoulder more times than not, from feeding him and burping him in the mornings before school.

Everyone that met Cherry loved her and she kept ALL her friends, ALL her life. She never was petty or held a grudge, even with her abusive step-father who called her out of the blue after not speaking to her for 10 years. I remember she called me and left me a voice-mail (the last one I have from her) saying "Hi mom, this is Cherry, I have something I want to talk to you about so give me a call when you can. I love you. Bye". I called her and she told me that George had called her. I told her I would call and get her cell phone number changed so he wouldn't have her number. She said, "that's OK mom, he sounds lonely and when he called me he was drunk. I feel sorry for him, if he needs someone to talk to it's OK he can call me."

Cherry did not care about material possessions at all, in fact when she was a teenager, she was embarrassed to invite friends over because she thought our house was too big and it was flaunting. She gave everything she ever had away to anyone who needed it. I remember one time she was staying with a friend of hers whose wife had left him and their 4 kids. He was struggling, so Cherry moved in to help out. I took her shopping to buy her some socks, underwear and a few outfits at Wal-mart. Cherry hated shopping because she suffered from PTSD, but she agreed to go and picked out some things. I then drove her back to her friend's place and she threw the Wal-mart bags on the couch and told the two young girls that they could pick anything they wanted from the bag. Their little faces lit up as they selected the items they wanted. They left to go try on their new clothes and Cherry leaned over to me and said, " I hope you don't mind Ma, the girls start school tomorrow and they have no new clothes to wear." Cherry would give you her last cigarette, her last beer, the shirt off her back, her last dollar or anything else you needed. One time while we were out boating on our family boat, my step-son was cold and shivering, Cherry stood up and said, "Derek, here take my sweat shirt!" She then went to pull off her sweatshirt forgetting she had taken off her wet bikini top under. Everyone laughed as I immediately covered her with a towel!

I am not sure when Cherry started using drugs or who taught her how to shoot-up. I guess it doesn't matter now. The first time I became aware of it was in 2001 when she was 21 years old, incarcerated, and became dope sick in jail. I helped her get into a rehab halfway house, helped her get her own little studio apartment at an assisted-living, all women's home, and enrolled her in adult learning classes to complete her GED. She was doing great for about a year and then relapsed. Cherry was in and out of ERs with overdoses, ICUs for endocarditis twice when they told me she would not live, and in and out of jail over the next 10 years, and 9 days before her death she was released from another 3 week stay in jail, and was wanted in another state for a 6 month incarceration. Cherry had long periods of sobriety between incarcerations and relapses. She struggled to stay clean and during her long periods of sobriety, sometimes a year at a time, I would go to NA and AA meetings with her. She was clean and sober for most of 2010 and into the beginning of 2011. During this long period of sobriety, Cherry was able to travel to a huge family reunion in Texas in August 2010 and visit for 2 weeks with everyone. It was a wonderful time for her 3 sisters and brother to get to see her straight and have fun hanging out again. Cherry was engaged and planning to get married. I went to visit her and her new fiance' for Thanksgiving 2010 and she told me, "Ma, this is the first time I am proud to have you come over my house, see where I live and make you a nice dinner." Cherry and her fiance' served shrimp cocktail, cheese and crackers, olives and pickles, an entire turkey dinner, and homemade pumpkin cheesecake for desert. I remember telling my new husband that I was afraid to get to excited about the hope of a new beginning for Cherry, for marriage and maybe grandchildren! I didn't want to get my hopes too high, to end up where I always ended up, shattered.

In January of 2011, Cherry and her fiance' had a huge fight and she ended up in jail again. He threw her out of their apartment and broke up with her. She called me from jail crying and told me she was devastated and didn't want to live anymore. She said life was too hard and she always loses everything she ever gets. My heart was broken too, I had hoped this was it and that she would finally stay clean and make it. I knew she was going to use again as soon as she could get out of jail. She had written so many letters to me from jail over the years that I knew this kind of devastating blow would require her to self-medicate. In her letters she had told me that she decided a long time ago after being hurt so bad by her step-father that she would never care about anyone, or anything again, not even herself, that way no one could hurt her again. She admitted in those letters that she turned to drugs to self-medicate the pain away. While in jail, Cherry would attend church, prayer meetings, AA, she always became a trustee, and she completed her GED.

Cherry was in and out of jail several times in 2011, each time she was released she would use heroin again. In between using heroin she would take suboxen to kick for a while, and then drink way to much beer and smoke pot.

On October 5, 2011 Cherry was released from a 3 week stay in jail. The day she was released, she used heroin with her cousin and her heart stopped. He pulled over to the side of the highway and performed CPR on her until 2 nurses pulled up in a car and continued to perform CPR. The ambulance arrived and transported her to the hospital where they were able to bring her back. I was able to talk to Cherry and tell her how much I love her and how if she died I would not want to be here anymore without her. Cherry said, "Ma, I'm still here, I'm fine, I love you, I'm not going anywhere. I was tempted and was weak and didn't expect that outcome." I was praying and fasting for Cherry every day. I was texting her and calling her to encourage her to be strong. I bought plane tickets and told her I would be there to see her on November 12, 2011. We planned to celebrate Thanksgiving together (her favorite holiday). Cherry died 2 more times and was resuscitated in the 9 days just before her death on October 14, 2011, she swore her friends to secrecy and I found out about those incidents after her death. We didn't get to have our Thanksgiving together. I did get to say everything I wanted to say to her, I did get to tell her how much I love her and how much God loves her.

Over 1,000 people came to her wake. People she went to summer camp with, people she went to elementary school with, people she met skiing, friends from every stage of her life. I told you she kept ALL her friends, ALL her life. Cherry's abusive step-father was there, her biological father was there who I hadn't seen in 28 years, whom she never met after he went to Walpole prison for raping her older sister as a small girl. He ended up apologizing to me and to Cherry's older sister for what he had done 28 years ago and asked for forgiveness. We will never all be friends again or anything, but it meant a lot to my oldest daughter. Even the guy who Cherry was using heroin with when she died came by (of course he was run off by her friends that knew he was there). That is how Cherry was, she opened her heart to everyone, did not hold a grudge, forgave people who hurt her, and brought reconciliation to broken relationships. She was a peacemaker. She was a wonderful person, I wish more people were like her, but with that sensitivity comes hurt and pain that she could not bear without self-medicating. I miss my precious daughter and grieve for the lost hope and dreams of her future life of happiness here, my lost grandchildren, my loss of a great confidant and best friend.

I love you Cherry, rest in peace, I will see you again. Love, Ma

[hismomma]

I have been reading and trying to keep up, but just so down lately that I haven't posted. I don't feel like right now I have anything to say that anybody couldn't go the rest of their life without hearing me say. I'm just so tired of trying to figure out how to be whatever it is I'm supposed to be. I am weary of myself and would like to just sleep my way through the rest of this year and the 13th of January and the 19th, which would have been his 23rd birthday. I feel like nothing interests me much at all and I could not care less about most anything you can name. I don't know when I will get out of this funk or how to do it. I'm just tired.

Kathy-I'm so sorry about the money, I hope they don't enjoy one thing they do with it.

Carol and Ralph-Thinking of you both and your family

Dee-Loved the pictures and the dress.

Lorri-Love the t-shirts

Colleen-Hugs to you

Leah-It is good to hear from you

Sorry to be such a downer, I'm just working through this the best way I know how.

HELLO, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME ON HERE AND IM NOT TO SURE HOW IT WORKS....

OCTOBER 2ND 2010 MY SON SCOTT MICHAEL HERNANDEZ, aka BUBBA. WAS TORTURED TO DEATH. OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY, IM NOT SURE OF ANYTHING, IM LOST. THERE IS A DARK VALE OVER MY WORLD RIGHT NOW. NOTHING IS THE SAME. EVEN HAPPY THINGS MAKE ME SAD. WHEN WILL MY BABY JUST COME HOME... SCOTT WAS MY OLDEST SON AND BESTFRIEND. I WOULD ALMOST ANYTHING TO BE WITH HIM, TO HOLD HIM TO SEE HIM.. WHEN I SLEEP I GET TO SEE HIM AND HOLD HIM. I LIKE SLEEP...

[hismomma]

HELLO, THIS IS MY FIRST TIME ON HERE AND IM NOT TO SURE HOW IT WORKS....

OCTOBER 2ND 2010 MY SON SCOTT MICHAEL HERNANDEZ, aka BUBBA. WAS TORTURED TO DEATH. OR AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE SAY, IM NOT SURE OF ANYTHING, IM LOST. THERE IS A DARK VALE OVER MY WORLD RIGHT NOW. NOTHING IS THE SAME. EVEN HAPPY THINGS MAKE ME SAD. WHEN WILL MY BABY JUST COME HOME... SCOTT WAS MY OLDEST SON AND BESTFRIEND. I WOULD ALMOST ANYTHING TO BE WITH HIM, TO HOLD HIM TO SEE HIM.. WHEN I SLEEP I GET TO SEE HIM AND HOLD HIM. I LIKE SLEEP...

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello to all the new people on this site. I have been reading your posts and just wanted to say how sorry I am for the pain you are feeling. The loss of a child is the hardest loss of all to bear. My own son died almost two years ago on December 12th. The first year were spent in a daze and complete fog. I completely understand what you are experiencing right now. I found if I sat Iwanted to stand. If I stood I needed to sit. I could not settle anywhere. Forget reading a book or watching Tv. Absolutely nothing mattered to me in the same way. Everything was put into the catagory of BEFORE and AFTER! Yes, the world does continue all around you. It is difficult to not become annoyed when you see others who seemingly appear to have lives still intact. It just simply does not seem fair. Not that you'd wish anything bad on them, but why you, right? This is a really hard time of the year to find yourself in this situation. I can only say that it takes tremendous work and effort to keep putting one foot in front of the other and continue. But you're going to do it because you are stronger then you think.

Time is a great healer. But as the others here will tell you...it just helps you to learn how to cope better. The pain changes, but it is still there. You will learn how to deal with it differently once the shock and initial grief passes. Actually the hardest part is is learning to live life again, but without them in it. But you will do it. And you will find support and encouragement from us for sure. We have rotten days and good ones. We rant and rave...but WE sure do get it. We know what the others are feeling. We feel it too.

The most important thing is to be kind to yourself. Make sure you are eating properly and get whatever rest you are able to. I know it is not easy to sleep and you will often wake up exhausted. That is from the stress of what you are feeling. One day at a time is about all you can ask of yourself at this point. Talk about it all you want. We are happy to listen to you tell us about your kids. Cherry sure was a lovely girl and I am sure she is now at peace and free from her addiction. She sounded as if she had an amazingly giving nature. She just lost her way and found herself in a bad place. That does not for one minute diminish the sweetheart she was.

Scott and all the other young people that have just passed away have left loving and broken hearted parents. But they have also left them with wonderful memories that in time will be a source of comfort. I know now it is too painfu, but don't lose heart. Try to stay strong. And keep posting.

[daveydow1]

bknheartmom----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son. This is a good site

to come to. Everyone here understands your sorrow. I have been on here for 8

years, along with Dee. My son, Dave, died in a terrible highway crash in 2003, and

my baby daughter died at 6 mo. of age years ago. Please come back to BI, which

was formerly called Beyond Indigo, but many of us still call ourselves Indigos.

Kathy-----So very sorry that someone stole all your money from your car. I was

thinking.......that if the thief attempts to cash your longevity check from work, that

the bank may notify the police. Just thinking that it might be a posibility. Anyhow,

I'm really sorry that it happened to you. Peace to you, friend.

Leah---Thanks for your kind words, friend. I'm sorry that your daughter is not going

to spend valuable time with her kids. I'll keep praying that she can find her way back

to her family.

Rhonda-----On, friend.......hang on. I know that this time of year can put everyone who

is mourning the loss of a beloved child, just down in that black hole again. I agree.....

sometimes it does feel like a good idea to just skip all the holidays. You have the

added sorrow of passing the holidays, only to come to dear Westley's birthday in Jan.

Sending thoughts & prayers to you, Rhonda.

Ronnie-----I'm so sorry for your loss of Cherry Lynn, your dear daughter, such a short

time ago. This is a difficult site to have to welcome anyone to,......and I wish none of us

ever had a need to find such a site as this. But,....when the unthinkable tragedy of losing

a dear child strikes,......it's good to know that there's a place where one can come and

just read or post whenever they want, and find friendship & understanding.....that's what

this site stands for. I hope you can come back. Your daughter, Cherry, is a a lovely young

woman. My son, David, also died at age 31 , 8 years ago. This site has been a lifeline for me,

and I hope we can be of some help to you as well. Peace to you.

Susannah-----I just love your nephew's name...........James V. Gardner. Sounds so 'royal' somehow.

I am sorry that he died, and that his parents and you, and all his relatives must

miss him so.

Dee------Getting colder here.......coming our way from your area. Don't know if I said so or not,

but the church where Jon & Shannon's wedding took place looked so beautiful in the pics.

Everyone looks so nice in the pics, too. ERz must have looked down with a smile, and Michael too.

Bittersweet, I know. Our Becky got married just 6 wks. after Davey's passing, and it, was a

lovely wedding........but...... alas.....bittersweet too.

WISHING PEACE AND GOOD NIGHT'S REST TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Thank you all for your comments on my stolen $$$...Sherry, I had already cashed the check so it was all cash in my wallet.....it was alot of money but truthfully the worst part was I had a 5 dollar bill in there that someone had given me 1 year after Jessica left us....all around the edges of that 5 dollar bill were the names of alot of Jessica's friends AND Jessica's name !!! I remember the day it was given to me, how I sat there and cried so hard, to know that my Jess and her friends had been messing around and each wrote their names on that 5 dollar bill and I was extremely blessed that it ended up in the hands of a friend who passed it on to me - it was a very special treasure and now it is lost to me. I am not one for material things....I just wanted to give Tavian the Christmas he deserves but it will all be ok as I have all of you and I know my Angel is keeping me going.

Ronnie - I welcome you to this wonderful site but am so very sad that another has joined us on this journey. Your daughter Cherry sounds like a wonderful, beautiful person and I am so sorry for your loss....Never worry about posting too much, we never get tired of hearing about our children....Please come when you can and talk, you will find much here to help you survive one day at a time....

bknheartmom - I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear son.....we understand your pain and what it is like to just want to go to sleep so we do not have to face the day......Please come here when you can and tell us more about your son...Bless you

I am very tired tonight....STRESS will do that to a person. I just want to have some peace, to be happy and I try to be....I am just worrying about my son and missing my Jessica and trying to deal with a soon to be 10 year old who thinks he is the parent and I am the child !!! Big fight tonight over homework but I won even though it was a battle....Where does the "attitude" come from !! So to sum it up, I sent him to his room to "think" about his attitude which of course he says he doesn't have !! Please be aware that I am gonna need your help getting through these pre-teen years and I don't even want to think about what comes after that !!! YIKES.... Tears for my sweet Jessica Kathy

[Jeff's Mom]

bknheartmom----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son. This is a good site

to come to. Everyone here understands your sorrow. I have been on here for 8

years, along with Dee. My son, Dave, died in a terrible highway crash in 2003, and

my baby daughter died at 6 mo. of age years ago. Please come back to BI, which

was formerly called Beyond Indigo, but many of us still call ourselves Indigos.

Kathy-----So very sorry that someone stole all your money from your car. I was

thinking.......that if the thief attempts to cash your longevity check from work, that

the bank may notify the police. Just thinking that it might be a posibility. Anyhow,

I'm really sorry that it happened to you. Peace to you, friend.

Leah---Thanks for your kind words, friend. I'm sorry that your daughter is not going

to spend valuable time with her kids. I'll keep praying that she can find her way back

to her family.

Rhonda-----On, friend.......hang on. I know that this time of year can put everyone who

is mourning the loss of a beloved child, just down in that black hole again. I agree.....

sometimes it does feel like a good idea to just skip all the holidays. You have the

added sorrow of passing the holidays, only to come to dear Westley's birthday in Jan.

Sending thoughts & prayers to you, Rhonda.

Ronnie-----I'm so sorry for your loss of Cherry Lynn, your dear daughter, such a short

time ago. This is a difficult site to have to welcome anyone to,......and I wish none of us

ever had a need to find such a site as this. But,....when the unthinkable tragedy of losing

a dear child strikes,......it's good to know that there's a place where one can come and

just read or post whenever they want, and find friendship & understanding.....that's what

this site stands for. I hope you can come back. Your daughter, Cherry, is a a lovely young

woman. My son, David, also died at age 31 , 8 years ago. This site has been a lifeline for me,

and I hope we can be of some help to you as well. Peace to you.

Susannah-----I just love your nephew's name...........James V. Gardner. Sounds so 'royal' somehow.

I am sorry that he died, and that his parents and you, and all his relatives must

miss him so.

Dee------Getting colder here.......coming our way from your area. Don't know if I said so or not,

but the church where Jon & Shannon's wedding took place looked so beautiful in the pics.

Everyone looks so nice in the pics, too. ERz must have looked down with a smile, and Michael too.

Bittersweet, I know. Our Becky got married just 6 wks. after Davey's passing, and it, was a

lovely wedding........but...... alas.....bittersweet too.

WISHING PEACE AND GOOD NIGHT'S REST TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

Sherry...how are you doing? I know it has been a few years since Dave died, but how do you find this holiday season after several years? I must say that you have been so kind to everyone here. Thanks for your support in the past I truly do appreciate it. And thank you to everyone else.

I finally hauled out that Christmas tree and put it up today. But it was different from the past. I did it in silence as my black lab sat on the floor watching me. There were no Carols or eggnog to accompany it. Just a general flatness. I left the room several times as I could not stay focused...but I kept going back until it was done. Took me ages. I thought of Jeff constantly but I also knew he would kick my sorry butt if I had not put it up. So I did it for him! My husband seemed pleased when he saw it, but we sat in silence watching it before dinner. The silence spoke volumes. This is so hard. Life has to continue. I even placed ornaments that the kids had made in school on the tree. I have kept every last card and piece of artwork that they made. Jeff's are in a very special place. Somehow it still does not seem real. Two years and I am still numb. But at least I did it. That's a start.

[lolynbo]

KATHY WITHOUT EMBARRASING YOU CAN WE. OR I SEND TAVIAN A GIFT. ID LOVE TO BUY HIM SOMETHING. IF SO LET ME NO WHAT HE WANTS OR I CLD GET A GIFT CARD FOR YOU. I CLDNT IMAGINE LOSING OR BEING ROBBED OF THAT MUCH CASH. ID BE SICK. BUT SICKER ABOUT JESSICA'S $5

[Guest msnher]

Ronnie, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter, Cherry Lynn. You have come to the right place for support. There are many on here whose story is very similar to yours, mine included. We can't take away your pain, but we can help carry it. Your Cherry Lynn is beautiful. I love her smile! I'm sure she sent you to us. Most of us, if not all of us, believe our children guided us to this site. I am a deep believer in signs from our children. Have you had any? Please, talk all you want here. I love getting to know our angels and their moms and dads.

Bknhtmom; I am so sorry you have reason to be here, as well. But, I am equally glad that you found us. This site literally saved my life after my 28 yr old daughter, Stephanie died on 8-9-09. When and/or if you want to and/or are able, please tell us more about Bubba. There are no rules here. You are free to jump right in and talk about anything you want to talk about. Don't try to memorize our names, there are too many of us and at this stage of grief for both you and Ronnie your brains won't allow you to remember anything. It (your brain) is working too hard right now to just survive.

Someone asked about Christmas and how we honor our child. Each year we add a new ornament...one with a unique meaning for Stephanie.

[Chads Mom]

I wanted to wish a sad but warm welcome to the new parents that have arrived here. I also wanted to express to you how sorry I am that you are hurting so bad right now. Losing a child is one of the most painful heart breaking things a person should have to go through and no one should have to walk this path alone. I like to think that each of us found our way here by way of our angels I think they knew we needed each other to be able to communicate our losses to those that could truly understand it. Hang on tight….Sending you good thoughts and much love…

Kathy: I am feeling so bad that the wallet was stolen with the money in it. Anytime that this would happen is a horrible thing but even more so this time of year. L I would also like to get Tavian something if you would agree to it. The $ 5.00 bill was my last straw it made me break down into tears. I am so sorry that was taken……….

Rhonda: I am sorry to hear you are feeling down wish there was something I could do to make you feel better…..Sending you a warm ((hug)) my friend….

Susan: I hope you are doing okay… I would think a good heavy solid frying pan would do the trick.. Sorry that’s mean I know but I just can’t imagine going through this with someone that does the blame game. You deserve to go through your grief with a supportive husband that offers hugs instead of criticism. Sending my love to you and Raegan.

Dee: You look so happy & beautiful in the picture.. Very handsome son you have!!

Lorri: I love the family photo with Kourtney’s shirts!!!!

Trudi: I sure hope Mal is feeling better. The hearing thing frightens me and I hope it’s resolved soon. My father in law is just miserable right now. Okay Shingles are now on my HATE list!

Colleen: Thank you for posting I always love to see BRIAN’S picture it just makes me smile…

Carol: Still praying for you and for Ralph and I hope the PET scan goes quickly and the outcome is good news.

Susannah: Sending good wishes for you and for Amanda for the pacemaker…

Kate: You are such an inspiration… I know you have your good days and your bad days with the loss of your son Jeff but you always seem to be able to look at the glass half full.. I hope to be there one day….

Sherry: Big ((hugs)) to you. I hope you are doing well and making it through the holiday hustle and bustle..

Leah: I am so sorry your daughter isn’t ready to face the music yet. My wish is that one day she will look at the kids and a light bulb will go on in her head and she will realize what’s really important.. For now all that can be done is to hope and wish for change…Rest easy with the knowledge that you are giving your grandchildren the most important things.. Love & Stability….

__________________________________________________________________________________

I went yesterday to get my haircut.. My self esteem is in the toilet right now anyway. I look at myself and I look sad, angry, and old. My hair is just a part of that. Needless to say the haircut looks as if I took a weed whacker to it.. So much for self esteem. It will grow back but it just compounds my over all mood. I wonder if this excuse would work.. Tell me how this sounds.. “I can’t go the Christmas party I had a really bad haircut and it going to at least take 2 months to grow back”

Peace and Love Indigo’s you all are never far from my thoughts...

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[mysonrich]

3 nights ago I had a dream that someone called me to tell me my dad had died. That call came this morning at 3:30. Strangely I have been waking up at 2 in the morning since that dream. I guess I was expecting the call. Making peace. Can one make peace with the past and perceived transgressions by buying your dad a Micky D's vanilla mike shake during the last months of his time on earth? I think so. William W. Baldwin. Age 77. Red for his red Ford F150.

My son,my mom,my dad. 3. We are done!

[ericasmom]

Polly, thanks so much, I think Jon to be handsome as well. And Sherry, yes, I do believe Jon's Sister ERi was watching the whole event with her Daddy, Mike, as Jonathan and Shan were married. I know that when it was said in the service that we give prayer to those no longer alive and they said, " Erica Eileen, Jon's sister, and MIchael, Jon's Dad," I wept and others too, had tears. Jon stood solemnly through that piece. Thanks Rhonda for your compliment as well. Sherry, cold winds prevail, winter upon us in 21 or so days though the mornings do feel that it is here.

New Parents, I wish you some sort of bubble to wrap around you and not let you feel what we all know you will have to feel, but I also wish you the knowledge that we all are still standing, sometimes we don't want to be, but for whatever reason, we are, so we stand for each other and for you and you can lean on us as we have all learned to lean when we need to take the load off and share it. Share the ache in your heart and while it will never take it away, a pain shared is carried by those who care, you needn't carry it alone.

My Girl, Eri, died 8 and a half years ago. There is nothing easy about grief so please honor it and allow it as there is not another way to get to the side of it that allows your heart to grow again but to go through it.

Peace one day

[rlolheiser]

Betsy.. dreams.. wow.. I am sorry for your phone call... for your loss.. It is hard to take at any time .. I am thinking of you my friend.. hugs and prayers..

kind of down today and really no reason.. just the time of year I guess.

M..y husband and I got into it yesterday, he wants me to get in the holiday spirit, but it takes a while, sometimes I never do. He reminds me that I have 2 little ones here that still need their holiday.. and I remind him that I don't care.. it will come together somehow, sometime.

My daughter is looking at 3 years in the Pen.. Not going to tell JaBoa's sister.. she has such high hopes of a future with her mom. If she goes away for 3 years Sena will be almost 13..

Winter storm coming in today.. might have to cancel mom's appointment tomorrow, she is due for a recheck on her lung infection. If it is to nasty, I won't take her in, unless she is worse. Sometimes I wish she had to go to the hospital for a couple days.. just to get a break.. but then reality checks in.. I don't want her sick.. and it would make more work.. then I would have to find a way to stay with her throughout the day plus get home.. so I better be careful for what I wish for.

Sena has started to talk about JaBoa on a daily basis. It seems from out of nowhere. So many questions.. She asked me if JaBoa goes to the school to watch her. I told her I wasn't sure.. I just know that I feel JaBoa here daily..she helps me get through the day. She seemed satisfied .. me it made more questions for.. do I feel her?.. or is it wishful thinking...

like I said.. just in a down mood today.. hopefully it will go up..

[Guest msnher]

Polly, before our children died, a bad hair cut was grounds for some tears and anger toward the person doing the cutting (in my case it was usually myself). After the death of our child it would be easy to look in the mirror and proclaim the bad hair cut as a true representative of how ugly and awful we really are. One more thing to beat ourselves up over. Problem is...it's a lie. Do the best you can with your hair....a curling iron and hairspray can be a woman's best friend when trying to hid flaws. Clipping it up or wearing a ponytail, if it's long enough, can also help. But, don't hide the "beauty" of your grief, Polly. The added wrinkles, grey hair and sad eyes are part of grief. It's evidence that you've taken (still taking) a beating. Giving birth is messy.....it stands to reason that the death of our child would be messier. Be the most authentic you that you are able to be right now. But, please, try not to beat yourself up too badly because of the way you look. Try to treat yourself like you would any one of us in the same situation. You would be gentle with us...touch us softly, smile and tell us we're beautiful. You are worthy of kindness. Don't accept anything less from yourself. Hugs!

Well, I went on a shopping spree yesterday. I'd feel bad about it but I had so much fun it's hard to feel anything but giddy. I have been feeling more and more like the old me lately. No. That's not true. I don't feel like the "old" me, I've just accepted the "new" me...warts and all. Although we have tried to create a safe, peaceful atmosphere for Stephanie's children, there has been an underlying sadness since they came to live here. I can feel that sadness being replaced by a regular family atmosphere. Which, interpreted, means....we're happily dysfunctional. I had to drop my prescription off at Walgreen's yesterday and decided to do a little shopping while it was being prepared. Well, I ended up buying loads and loads of Christmas decorations. It was so fun three of the Walgreen's employee's came to help me and other customers stopped to chat and watch. They were calling me "Mrs Griswold". As shy as I'm not... ...I blurted out the whole story as I tossed lights, statues, etc into my overflowing cart..."My grandchildren live with us. Their mother, my daughter, died two years ago and we've been sad and we're not sad anymore and I want to make this the best Christmas ever for them. I want to bring the magic of Christmas back into our home."

I then went to WalMart, yes...Walmart...with my good mood still intact. I loaded my cart with Christmas presents and just plain fun. Three, I repeat THREE, clerks stopped at different times to ask if they could help me. WalMart...where you can never find help to save your life. It felt so good that when I got home Gary and I loaded the kids and went to Home Depot and finally bought the shower door and vanity/sink set I've been wanting for years. We had to make a quick stop at WalMart again before Home Depot because Jonathon came home with his NEW shoes duct taped together. When I asked him what happened..."Those are new shoes" he burst into tears and said he was so sorry he ruined his new shoes (third pair this year). I hugged him and told him he wasn't in trouble, but he was not going to wear duct taped shoes. "You look like an orphan child" I told him. "I am an orphan child" he responded and we all laughed.

For you new ones...if you managed to read all that...it gets better...hang on!

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - I'm so sorry for the loss of your father! Yes, I believe we can make peace, too. Hugs!

[shorty16]

Betsy

My sympathy on the death of your father.

Thinking of you

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[westleysmom]

Betsy-I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Kate-You're very brave for putting up the tree. I just haven't been able to do it yet and I don't know if I will. We didn't have one last year, and just like the Who's down in Whoville, Christmas came anyway.

Polly-Haircuts are one of the casualties that come from losing your child, I guess. At least for me for a while. I finally got one in October after more than 6 months, and I'm sure everyone around me was glad to see that stringy mess gone. It doesn't look that great anyway, but it looks better than it did. I'm sure your hair doesn't look as bad as all that, its just that we're always in a sad mood and nothing seems to be the way we want it.

Leah-I hope that you can take a few minutes for yourself today. Guys don't really understand the holidays. For them, they mostly just...happen. Girls make the holidays happen, and its not easy in the face of so great a loss. At least this is true in my part of the world, and it sounds like it works that way where you are too. I know people want us to be happy, but it is so hard to manufacture a smile sometimes. I'm so sorry that the sentence for your daughter looks to be so long. Hugs

Brokenhrted Mom and Ronnie-I don't think I've said anything to either of you. I'm so sorry for the reason that you are here with us, but glad that you have found us. Sometimes lately, I have to take a few days break from posting because I am so sad, but I try to check in and keep up with everybody here. I hope I didn't get your names too mangled that you don't even know if I'm talking to you or not! My mind just doesn't work as well as it used to. Hugs to you both.

[Jeff's Mom]

3 nights ago I had a dream that someone called me to tell me my dad had died. That call came this morning at 3:30. Strangely I have been waking up at 2 in the morning since that dream. I guess I was expecting the call. Making peace. Can one make peace with the past and perceived transgressions by buying your dad a Micky D's vanilla mike shake during the last months of his time on earth? I think so. William W. Baldwin. Age 77. Red for his red Ford F150.

My son,my mom,my dad. 3. We are done!

Oh Betsy, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. I am keeping all of you in my prayers. It is funny how dreams work, I would say that the milkshake you bought for your dad was very much enjoyed and appreciated. It's the little things that give that human touch and add warmth.

The week before Jeff died he told me of a dream he had that was so real he was visibly shaken. He had two experiences at his office that definitely bothered him tremendously. One of the older men that worked there suffered a fatal heart attack and died suddenly. Another employee he had to fire... due to... well let''s just say he had been given many chances. The man went home and over that weekend took his life. Jeff blamed himnself in part for firing him. But he had given him more then a second chance. And he told me that if he cleaned up his act he would have taken him back. The dream involved both of these men visiting him that night and sitting on the edge of his bed. They told him not to worry as they were not dead, but still alive in another way. He said it was unbelievable how real it seemed. A week later he was gone as well. He no longer feared death.

Your family is in a good place. Thinking of you today. (HUGS)

[Jeff's Mom]

Betsy-I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Kate-You're very brave for putting up the tree. I just haven't been able to do it yet and I don't know if I will. We didn't have one last year, and just like the Who's down in Whoville, Christmas came anyway.

Polly-Haircuts are one of the casualties that come from losing your child, I guess. At least for me for a while. I finally got one in October after more than 6 months, and I'm sure everyone around me was glad to see that stringy mess gone. It doesn't look that great anyway, but it looks better than it did. I'm sure your hair doesn't look as bad as all that, its just that we're always in a sad mood and nothing seems to be the way we want it.

Leah-I hope that you can take a few minutes for yourself today. Guys don't really understand the holidays. For them, they mostly just...happen. Girls make the holidays happen, and its not easy in the face of so great a loss. At least this is true in my part of the world, and it sounds like it works that way where you are too. I know people want us to be happy, but it is so hard to manufacture a smile sometimes. I'm so sorry that the sentence for your daughter looks to be so long. Hugs

Brokenhrted Mom and Ronnie-I don't think I've said anything to either of you. I'm so sorry for the reason that you are here with us, but glad that you have found us. Sometimes lately, I have to take a few days break from posting because I am so sad, but I try to check in and keep up with everybody here. I hope I didn't get your names too mangled that you don't even know if I'm talking to you or not! My mind just doesn't work as well as it used to. Hugs to you both.

Rhonda, I'm not brave but more stubborn. I did it for my husband, and for my visiting grandaughter when they come over the holidays. Also, for Jeff. He loved this season and it would honestly trouble him if we decided not to at least make an effort to get back into it in some small way. It sure isn't the same...but I need to try.

[Jeff's Mom]

Betsy-I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Kate-You're very brave for putting up the tree. I just haven't been able to do it yet and I don't know if I will. We didn't have one last year, and just like the Who's down in Whoville, Christmas came anyway.

Polly-Haircuts are one of the casualties that come from losing your child, I guess. At least for me for a while. I finally got one in October after more than 6 months, and I'm sure everyone around me was glad to see that stringy mess gone. It doesn't look that great anyway, but it looks better than it did. I'm sure your hair doesn't look as bad as all that, its just that we're always in a sad mood and nothing seems to be the way we want it.

Leah-I hope that you can take a few minutes for yourself today. Guys don't really understand the holidays. For them, they mostly just...happen. Girls make the holidays happen, and its not easy in the face of so great a loss. At least this is true in my part of the world, and it sounds like it works that way where you are too. I know people want us to be happy, but it is so hard to manufacture a smile sometimes. I'm so sorry that the sentence for your daughter looks to be so long. Hugs

Brokenhrted Mom and Ronnie-I don't think I've said anything to either of you. I'm so sorry for the reason that you are here with us, but glad that you have found us. Sometimes lately, I have to take a few days break from posting because I am so sad, but I try to check in and keep up with everybody here. I hope I didn't get your names too mangled that you don't even know if I'm talking to you or not! My mind just doesn't work as well as it used to. Hugs to you both.

Rhonda, I'm not brave but more stubborn. I did it for my husband, and for my visiting grandaughter when they come over the holidays. Also, for Jeff. He loved this season and it would honestly trouble him if we decided not to at least make an effort to get back into it in some small way. It sure isn't the same...but I need to try.

[Jeff's Mom]

Betsy-I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad.

Kate-You're very brave for putting up the tree. I just haven't been able to do it yet and I don't know if I will. We didn't have one last year, and just like the Who's down in Whoville, Christmas came anyway.

Polly-Haircuts are one of the casualties that come from losing your child, I guess. At least for me for a while. I finally got one in October after more than 6 months, and I'm sure everyone around me was glad to see that stringy mess gone. It doesn't look that great anyway, but it looks better than it did. I'm sure your hair doesn't look as bad as all that, its just that we're always in a sad mood and nothing seems to be the way we want it.

Leah-I hope that you can take a few minutes for yourself today. Guys don't really understand the holidays. For them, they mostly just...happen. Girls make the holidays happen, and its not easy in the face of so great a loss. At least this is true in my part of the world, and it sounds like it works that way where you are too. I know people want us to be happy, but it is so hard to manufacture a smile sometimes. I'm so sorry that the sentence for your daughter looks to be so long. Hugs

Brokenhrted Mom and Ronnie-I don't think I've said anything to either of you. I'm so sorry for the reason that you are here with us, but glad that you have found us. Sometimes lately, I have to take a few days break from posting because I am so sad, but I try to check in and keep up with everybody here. I hope I didn't get your names too mangled that you don't even know if I'm talking to you or not! My mind just doesn't work as well as it used to. Hugs to you both.

Rhonda, I'm not brave but more stubborn. I did it for my husband, and for my visiting grandaughter when they come over the holidays. Also, for Jeff. He loved this season and it would honestly trouble him if we decided not to at least make an effort to get back into it in some small way. It sure isn't the same...but I need to try.

[Jeff's Mom]

I wanted to wish a sad but warm welcome to the new parents that have arrived here. I also wanted to express to you how sorry I am that you are hurting so bad right now. Losing a child is one of the most painful heart breaking things a person should have to go through and no one should have to walk this path alone. I like to think that each of us found our way here by way of our angels I think they knew we needed each other to be able to communicate our losses to those that could truly understand it. Hang on tight….Sending you good thoughts and much love…

Kathy: I am feeling so bad that the wallet was stolen with the money in it. Anytime that this would happen is a horrible thing but even more so this time of year. L I would also like to get Tavian something if you would agree to it. The $ 5.00 bill was my last straw it made me break down into tears. I am so sorry that was taken……….

Rhonda: I am sorry to hear you are feeling down wish there was something I could do to make you feel better…..Sending you a warm ((hug)) my friend….

Susan: I hope you are doing okay… I would think a good heavy solid frying pan would do the trick.. Sorry that’s mean I know but I just can’t imagine going through this with someone that does the blame game. You deserve to go through your grief with a supportive husband that offers hugs instead of criticism. Sending my love to you and Raegan.

Dee: You look so happy & beautiful in the picture.. Very handsome son you have!!

Lorri: I love the family photo with Kourtney’s shirts!!!!

Trudi: I sure hope Mal is feeling better. The hearing thing frightens me and I hope it’s resolved soon. My father in law is just miserable right now. Okay Shingles are now on my HATE list!

Colleen: Thank you for posting I always love to see BRIAN’S picture it just makes me smile…

Carol: Still praying for you and for Ralph and I hope the PET scan goes quickly and the outcome is good news.

Susannah: Sending good wishes for you and for Amanda for the pacemaker…

Kate: You are such an inspiration… I know you have your good days and your bad days with the loss of your son Jeff but you always seem to be able to look at the glass half full.. I hope to be there one day….

Sherry: Big ((hugs)) to you. I hope you are doing well and making it through the holiday hustle and bustle..

Leah: I am so sorry your daughter isn’t ready to face the music yet. My wish is that one day she will look at the kids and a light bulb will go on in her head and she will realize what’s really important.. For now all that can be done is to hope and wish for change…Rest easy with the knowledge that you are giving your grandchildren the most important things.. Love & Stability….

__________________________________________________________________________________

I went yesterday to get my haircut.. My self esteem is in the toilet right now anyway. I look at myself and I look sad, angry, and old. My hair is just a part of that. Needless to say the haircut looks as if I took a weed whacker to it.. So much for self esteem. It will grow back but it just compounds my over all mood. I wonder if this excuse would work.. Tell me how this sounds.. “I can’t go the Christmas party I had a really bad haircut and it going to at least take 2 months to grow back”

Peace and Love Indigo’s you all are never far from my thoughts...

Polly--Chad’s Mom

Polly...short hair is definitely the IN look these days. Buy some kind of product and work it in and use your fingers to work it through. You are going to be so in style you'll surprise yourself. My hair is very short and I sort of tossle it and spike it a bit. It is easy to look after and I hear it is the upcoming look again for the next year. Go to that party and give it your best. You deserve to enjoy yourself for an evening.

[Jeff's Mom]

Betsy.. dreams.. wow.. I am sorry for your phone call... for your loss.. It is hard to take at any time .. I am thinking of you my friend.. hugs and prayers..

kind of down today and really no reason.. just the time of year I guess.

M..y husband and I got into it yesterday, he wants me to get in the holiday spirit, but it takes a while, sometimes I never do. He reminds me that I have 2 little ones here that still need their holiday.. and I remind him that I don't care.. it will come together somehow, sometime.

My daughter is looking at 3 years in the Pen.. Not going to tell JaBoa's sister.. she has such high hopes of a future with her mom. If she goes away for 3 years Sena will be almost 13..

Winter storm coming in today.. might have to cancel mom's appointment tomorrow, she is due for a recheck on her lung infection. If it is to nasty, I won't take her in, unless she is worse. Sometimes I wish she had to go to the hospital for a couple days.. just to get a break.. but then reality checks in.. I don't want her sick.. and it would make more work.. then I would have to find a way to stay with her throughout the day plus get home.. so I better be careful for what I wish for.

Sena has started to talk about JaBoa on a daily basis. It seems from out of nowhere. So many questions.. She asked me if JaBoa goes to the school to watch her. I told her I wasn't sure.. I just know that I feel JaBoa here daily..she helps me get through the day. She seemed satisfied .. me it made more questions for.. do I feel her?.. or is it wishful thinking...

like I said.. just in a down mood today.. hopefully it will go up..

Winter storm? Please don't send it this way! So far, so good. We have had only one blizzard to date. Most of our snow is gone. ..for now that is!

I wish there was some way you could have some respite with your Mom. Are there any community programs for a half day where she could take part. They have this up here for seniors that participate in various activities. Keeping in mind of course they are compromised with various health issues. But it sure helps the caregiver to know they have a half day off.

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan...Thinking of you and Raegan. You are both gutsy ladies. Wishing you a decent day. (HUGS)

Carol...Hope all goes well with Ralph and keeping him in my prayers.

Trudi...Hope Mal is feeling a bit better today.

Lorri...The family photos with the shirts are awesome.

Kathy...That is just terrible that your wallet was taken.

And all others...hope for a slighter brighter day.

[Chads Mom]

Betsy: I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad… My thoughts are with you….

My mind and my heart ache at the thought that today marks Chad being gone for 6 months now.

I hate that these are the milestones in my life now. I don’t like that when I have a faraway look in my eyes that others even have to ask me what’s wrong? (everything is wrong) I want to scream, I want to cry, and I want to tear my hair out.

I see you in everything.. I am reminded of you everywhere…I carry you in my heart.....

I miss you my perfect angel….. Nothing feels right anymore…..I LOVE YOU CHAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wishing peace to all Indigo’s today…

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[hismomma]

Hi everyone,

Scott's MOMMA here.. First I would like to say thank you for all the warm welcomes yesterday. Even though I wish I could be the only one who has lost a child, it is nice to hear I'm not alone. My son Scott was a small town boy from north Idaho. He had mental health issues, he spent most of his teen years in mental health hospital's. He could not stop trying to kill himself...All he wanted was to be with his momma, when he was with me he never tried to kill himself. So he ended up in a state hospital long term. Well one day they let Scott go outside to smoke a ciggy, big mistake.. They should have known better.... He escaped from every other hospital they put him in.. Wanting to be with me witch was pretty far away, my mentally ill son took one of the hospital workers car... He just wanted to come home...He ended up getting caught real fast.. but instead of putting him back in the hospital they tried to send him to a boot camp military reform prison.... Lost in his world of confusion he decided to jump the fence and try to come home again. I remember him calling and crying for me, momma come get me im lost in the woods. He was caught soon after... Again instead of putting where he belonged (in a hospital) this time they sent him to his death and torture, a place reserved for the worst of the worst, baby killers rapist murders, and gangs.. So here goes my mentally ill small town BOY into a world of torture darkness and sadness. Thats about all I can handle talking about today. Momma loves you Scott.. I keep waiting for you to come home... where are you?bknhearted MOMMa

[lolynbo]

SCOTT'S MOMMA. KOURTNEYS MOMMA HERE. IM SO SORRY FOR YOUR NEEDLESS LOSS OF YOUR SCOTT. SOMEHOW HE SLIPPED THRU THE LARGE GAPPING CRACKS OF THE SYSTEM. A MAN BUT STILL A BOY. HUGGGGS TO YOU

[ericasmom]

Betsy, I am so sorry for the ache in your heart. I am glad that you were able to indulge your Dad's favorites in his last few months. He is free now, and has met up with all that left before him.

Polly, haircuts come and go, I have hated several of mine, have grown my hair back out in the last year but am tempted to cut it again, just cause too long isn't as flaterring as it once was, so keeping it looking healthy is what I find attractive. It will grow, take a self portrait photo every two weeks, you will see change.

Six months. I remember clearly, the doorbell rang, a delivery. A small box with a little card that spoke of Erica in song-like quality and beautiful script. My sister-in-law, Carol from Plymouth Mass. Carol is Eri's Godmom and she sent me a silver necklace with EER engraved into it, (erica eileen reith) and the Chinese characters for beautiful daughter. I wept for the beauty of such a gift, the thought and love put into it. I wear it non-stop, always, only took it off when a great niece broke the chain (baby) and during a surgery, but otherwise, have had it on for 8 years. Perhaps Polly, plan out a piece of jewelry to wear that has some symbol of Chad for you. Let your tears fall, they are our expression of ache and totally good to release. Maybe a teardrop is a good symbol. A teardrop with your Chad's name on it.

[Jeff's Mom]

Betsy, I am so sorry for the ache in your heart. I am glad that you were able to indulge your Dad's favorites in his last few months. He is free now, and has met up with all that left before him.

Polly, haircuts come and go, I have hated several of mine, have grown my hair back out in the last year but am tempted to cut it again, just cause too long isn't as flaterring as it once was, so keeping it looking healthy is what I find attractive. It will grow, take a self portrait photo every two weeks, you will see change.

Six months. I remember clearly, the doorbell rang, a delivery. A small box with a little card that spoke of Erica in song-like quality and beautiful script. My sister-in-law, Carol from Plymouth Mass. Carol is Eri's Godmom and she sent me a silver necklace with EER engraved into it, (erica eileen reith) and the Chinese characters for beautiful daughter. I wept for the beauty of such a gift, the thought and love put into it. I wear it non-stop, always, only took it off when a great niece broke the chain (baby) and during a surgery, but otherwise, have had it on for 8 years. Perhaps Polly, plan out a piece of jewelry to wear that has some symbol of Chad for you. Let your tears fall, they are our expression of ache and totally good to release. Maybe a teardrop is a good symbol. A teardrop with your Chad's name on it.

That is absolutely beautiful Dee. If only other family members could be so caring and thoughtful. She is a real gem to do that. Lucky you! Another great idea. Someone asked yesterday what they could do for Christmas to mark the memory of their child.

[ericasmom]

As far as Christmas is concerned, the first year I put together photo albums for both Jonathan and his Daddy. They came to our home on Christmas Eve and we ate dinner, it was quiet for sure. I gave Jon and Mike some little gifts, a bird to hang up for Mike (ex-hsband, now deceased) he called ERi his little bird. Then they both opened the photo albums and it was greatly appreciated by them both. It was a quiet time though and very heavy with sadness adn loss. I bought things for a family as I always do with my class, and some extra toys for little girls in need. I just really wanted to imagine little girls getting gifts that Eri would have loved as a young one. No tree, could not but we did put a little fake one at her grave and continue to do so each year. Each year we have some quiet in which to send deep loving thoughts to ERi, I go outside and stand in the place she last stood in our yard just two days before she was hit, and I send her my complete love in the dark of night. It is a tearful exchange. I tell her what I would probably have given her had she been here still, but I know that what she has is far beyond the material things we have. She wraps me in her pink love and I am grateful for ever knowing such a Girl.

The dreams Polly and Betsy, are key to our losing ERi too. I think that the energy surrounding the loss that was about to happen leaves its mark with some, like it did with me having had 4 nightmares, with Chad, finding the two men who put his mind at ease, and with you Betsy, preparing you in some ways for this.

[mikesmomrs]

Betsy: My sympathies in the loss of your dad. I am sure that the milkshakes and company you brought to him these last months went a long way to "making peace" even if it may have only been the peace you made with yourself---but I am sure that some of it at least was absorbed by your dad. You are a good person.

[mikesmum]

3 nights ago I had a dream that someone called me to tell me my dad had died. That call came this morning at 3:30. Strangely I have been waking up at 2 in the morning since that dream. I guess I was expecting the call. Making peace. Can one make peace with the past and perceived transgressions by buying your dad a Micky D's vanilla mike shake during the last months of his time on earth? I think so. William W. Baldwin. Age 77. Red for his red Ford F150.

My son,my mom,my dad. 3. We are done!

Betsy - I'm so sorry to hear of your dad's passing. That call in the early hours....never gonna be the lottery is it. "Can one make peace with the past and perceived trqansgressions" ~ I think in someway we can. For me it was caring for my mum in her last year. I let go of my 'childhood anger' towards her and we for the most part became 'friends'. Her last day I massaged her face, hands and feet with a blend of calming essential oils...she seemed to settled more.

I didn't know your dad but I'm guessing you buying him the Micky D's shake and remembering the importance of his Ford F150 went along way in telling him in not so many words....'it okay'.

Your mum, your dad and your son. Thoughts with you ~ Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Hello Indigo family:

Kathy: I don’t remember whether or not I told you that I am so very sorry about your losing your money. Having something stolen from your vehicle is traumatic, and more so when it does involve so much money. More so, though about the five dollar bill. I am so sorry.

Kate: I am glad that you were able to put up the tree, even if it was not done in the “traditional” manner that you were used to. Nothing is the way it “used to be,” for any of us, but taking a step forward such as that does help in the healing.

Polly: so very sorry for your sadness, but at the six month mark, it would be hard to be otherwise. Know that we are with you.

Bknheartmom: Oh, I am so very sorry for what happened to your precious son, Scott. I wish I could put my arms about you and hold you, but most of all, I wish I could make it so that it never happened. My heart to you. Please share some of your sweet memories about your son, when you can, so we can get to know him more.

Dee: thank you for sharing about your SIL’s beautiful gift. I think your SIL is a gift, also.

Susannah: Thanks for sharing the story of your shopping spree. I am so glad that the staff responded so sweetly. I know the kids will be SO excited to see it all coming into the house. As for the shoes, if they were new for the beginning of school, I think I would take them back. I’ve done it more than once. All they can do is say no. They won’t even likely say “she must be crazy” until you are out of earshot! J I think a pair of shoes bought in September should last three months, don’t you? I don’t care if he wore them everyday. Whenever I’ve said that, I got a new pair. Good wishes and prayers for Amanda for Thursday (well, for always, actually). I am glad that she has found doctors who seem to understand what is needed.

Rhonda: Hugs to you, my friend, as you face the holidays. We all know the pain and hold you close. Did you have TJ for Thanksgiving?

Sherry: Thinking of you. I hope you are doing okay.

Tammy: I send my love and strength to you, also, and am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Jordan. Please come and share more about her when you can. You have found a place of comfort and complete understanding.

Ronnie: I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter, Cherry Lynn. She is a beautiful girl, and I send you prayers for comfort and strength. Please share more of her story with us, when you can. We do like to get to know our angels.

Leah: I too am sorry for what you are going through with your daughter and wish so much that you could get some respite from your daily care of your mom. If I lived nearby, I would come for an afternoon so that you could go out, all by yourself. I hope that your husband comes round to thinking about how you feel about doing the holidays, but I also hope that you are able to do something for the little ones in your house…but if you are not, you are not, and that is what has to be. For now.

Susan: Hope all is okay with you today. You are one brave woman!

Greg, how are you doing? Diane? Beth? I hope you all are okay.

Yesterday, Ralph was feeling kind of low, as the reality of the situation seeps in and we get closer to Friday. We left here to go to the eye doctor for me. When we sat at the light for the parking lot area for the eye dr place, we saw a yellow vw pull into the lot, though didn't see which way it went. When we pulled into the area for the eye doctor (there are about 15 stores or so there), we generally pull into the same place, and right beside us was the yellow vw. On it's side and rear were two signs that Ralph could not mistake for anything other than signs from his son: (The picture is blurry, but I think you can see the heart shaped, tie-dyed, peace sign, and lower, to the left, on the back, is a Red Sox emblem.) (Ralph left the parking lot feeling a little lighter.) As I was walking out of the MIDAS shop today, Tom, the owner (who knows Ralph) said "Tell Ralph I will be praying for him." As I turned back from saying "Okay, I will, " and started to step away from the door, this heart was in front of my feet.

(By the way, the heart-shaped peace sign is exactly like the one I sent to Damon while we were on vacation.)

[Jeff's Mom]

Polly, before our children died, a bad hair cut was grounds for some tears and anger toward the person doing the cutting (in my case it was usually myself). After the death of our child it would be easy to look in the mirror and proclaim the bad hair cut as a true representative of how ugly and awful we really are. One more thing to beat ourselves up over. Problem is...it's a lie. Do the best you can with your hair....a curling iron and hairspray can be a woman's best friend when trying to hid flaws. Clipping it up or wearing a ponytail, if it's long enough, can also help. But, don't hide the "beauty" of your grief, Polly. The added wrinkles, grey hair and sad eyes are part of grief. It's evidence that you've taken (still taking) a beating. Giving birth is messy.....it stands to reason that the death of our child would be messier. Be the most authentic you that you are able to be right now. But, please, try not to beat yourself up too badly because of the way you look. Try to treat yourself like you would any one of us in the same situation. You would be gentle with us...touch us softly, smile and tell us we're beautiful. You are worthy of kindness. Don't accept anything less from yourself. Hugs!

Well, I went on a shopping spree yesterday. I'd feel bad about it but I had so much fun it's hard to feel anything but giddy. I have been feeling more and more like the old me lately. No. That's not true. I don't feel like the "old" me, I've just accepted the "new" me...warts and all. Although we have tried to create a safe, peaceful atmosphere for Stephanie's children, there has been an underlying sadness since they came to live here. I can feel that sadness being replaced by a regular family atmosphere. Which, interpreted, means....we're happily dysfunctional. I had to drop my prescription off at Walgreen's yesterday and decided to do a little shopping while it was being prepared. Well, I ended up buying loads and loads of Christmas decorations. It was so fun three of the Walgreen's employee's came to help me and other customers stopped to chat and watch. They were calling me "Mrs Griswold". As shy as I'm not... ...I blurted out the whole story as I tossed lights, statues, etc into my overflowing cart..."My grandchildren live with us. Their mother, my daughter, died two years ago and we've been sad and we're not sad anymore and I want to make this the best Christmas ever for them. I want to bring the magic of Christmas back into our home."

I then went to WalMart, yes...Walmart...with my good mood still intact. I loaded my cart with Christmas presents and just plain fun. Three, I repeat THREE, clerks stopped at different times to ask if they could help me. WalMart...where you can never find help to save your life. It felt so good that when I got home Gary and I loaded the kids and went to Home Depot and finally bought the shower door and vanity/sink set I've been wanting for years. We had to make a quick stop at WalMart again before Home Depot because Jonathon came home with his NEW shoes duct taped together. When I asked him what happened..."Those are new shoes" he burst into tears and said he was so sorry he ruined his new shoes (third pair this year). I hugged him and told him he wasn't in trouble, but he was not going to wear duct taped shoes. "You look like an orphan child" I told him. "I am an orphan child" he responded and we all laughed.

For you new ones...if you managed to read all that...it gets better...hang on!

Susannah...you inspire me. I'm so glad for the kids too! Give Jon a hug for me too! What a cutie. I's so glad you are able to enjoy this time... even though it is different. Make this Xmas special for those kids. You all deserve it.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

Hello Indigo family:

Kathy: I don’t remember whether or not I told you that I am so very sorry about your losing your money. Having something stolen from your vehicle is traumatic, and more so when it does involve so much money. More so, though about the five dollar bill. I am so sorry.

Kate: I am glad that you were able to put up the tree, even if it was not done in the “traditional” manner that you were used to. Nothing is the way it “used to be,” for any of us, but taking a step forward such as that does help in the healing.

Polly: so very sorry for your sadness, but at the six month mark, it would be hard to be otherwise. Know that we are with you.

Bknheartmom: Oh, I am so very sorry for what happened to your precious son, Scott. I wish I could put my arms about you and hold you, but most of all, I wish I could make it so that it never happened. My heart to you. Please share some of your sweet memories about your son, when you can, so we can get to know him more.

Dee: thank you for sharing about your SIL’s beautiful gift. I think your SIL is a gift, also.

Susannah: Thanks for sharing the story of your shopping spree. I am so glad that the staff responded so sweetly. I know the kids will be SO excited to see it all coming into the house. As for the shoes, if they were new for the beginning of school, I think I would take them back. I’ve done it more than once. All they can do is say no. They won’t even likely say “she must be crazy” until you are out of earshot! J I think a pair of shoes bought in September should last three months, don’t you? I don’t care if he wore them everyday. Whenever I’ve said that, I got a new pair. Good wishes and prayers for Amanda for Thursday (well, for always, actually). I am glad that she has found doctors who seem to understand what is needed.

Rhonda: Hugs to you, my friend, as you face the holidays. We all know the pain and hold you close. Did you have TJ for Thanksgiving?

Sherry: Thinking of you. I hope you are doing okay.

Tammy: I send my love and strength to you, also, and am so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful Jordan. Please come and share more about her when you can. You have found a place of comfort and complete understanding.

Ronnie: I am so sorry about the loss of your daughter, Cherry Lynn. She is a beautiful girl, and I send you prayers for comfort and strength. Please share more of her story with us, when you can. We do like to get to know our angels.

Leah: I too am sorry for what you are going through with your daughter and wish so much that you could get some respite from your daily care of your mom. If I lived nearby, I would come for an afternoon so that you could go out, all by yourself. I hope that your husband comes round to thinking about how you feel about doing the holidays, but I also hope that you are able to do something for the little ones in your house…but if you are not, you are not, and that is what has to be. For now.

Susan: Hope all is okay with you today. You are one brave woman!

Greg, how are you doing? Diane? Beth? I hope you all are okay.

Yesterday, Ralph was feeling kind of low, as the reality of the situation seeps in and we get closer to Friday. We left here to go to the eye doctor for me. When we sat at the light for the parking lot area for the eye dr place, we saw a yellow vw pull into the lot, though didn't see which way it went. When we pulled into the area for the eye doctor (there are about 15 stores or so there), we generally pull into the same place, and right beside us was the yellow vw. On it's side and rear were two signs that Ralph could not mistake for anything other than signs from his son: (The picture is blurry, but I think you can see the heart shaped, tie-dyed, peace sign, and lower, to the left, on the back, is a Red Sox emblem.) (Ralph left the parking lot feeling a little lighter.) As I was walking out of the MIDAS shop today, Tom, the owner (who knows Ralph) said "Tell Ralph I will be praying for him." As I turned back from saying "Okay, I will, " and started to step away from the door, this heart was in front of my feet.

(By the way, the heart-shaped peace sign is exactly like the one I sent to Damon while we were on vacation.)

Wow, well there you go. How cool is that? Mike is definitely there on board with you guys. Tell Ralph I am definitely on his side... and you Carol are an inspiration to all of us. You show such dignity and courage in all that you have experienced. Good for you. God does indeed work in mysterious ways. My sons fave band was|U2. In the heart of hurt there is always good to be found. I am convinced that peace is waiting for all of us if we just open up and let ourselves go and love unconditionaly. Let me know how things go on Friday.

Kate

[summergirl]

Betsy - I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad.....love that you did what you could to make peace and pray that your heart is a bit lighter becuz of it.....yes, your son, mom and dad....enough...Hugs to you my friend

Susannah - You made my heart smile with your wonderful day of a "shopping spree" - Angels were traveling with you as you swept through Walgreen and Walmart filling your carriage with gifts and your heart a big smile....

Dee - whenever I read your posts, no matter what they involve, I feel as though I am reading a book...you bring me a sense of peace to my broken heart, rest for my weary soul and a reason to keep moving forward...I am and always will be grateful for your presence here.

bknheartmom - Reading of your son Scott brought me to tears, for the pain and suffering he was put through by people who had no idea how to deal with someone in your son's position....and now the pain and suffering that you are enduring.....I am so sorry. I am glad that you shared what you could with us and when you are ready please tell us more about yourself....about Scott, anything you want to....we are all open books here and helping each other is what we do as we know the pain....Hugs to you

Trudi - how is your weather ?? I hope that Mal is doing better with the shingles......Missing you my friend. I tried to PM you but for some reason it keeps giving me an error....will have to try again.

Lorri - you have not embarrased me with your beautiful, wonderful, generous heart.....I do not expect anyone to buy anything for Tavian....but your offer has touched my heart in more ways then you will know. I love you sweet girl.....

I am so very tired....long days at work as this is my busy time of year getting everything ready for the new year....much computer work so my eyes feel as though I need to take them out and wash them.... Hubby and I will both be off the week between Christmas and New Years so it will be nice to have some family time....maybe even some snow and go sledding...

I will say good nite and I am sorry that I cannot answer everyone who posts but I read and I keep you wrapped in my heart.....Peace and sweet dreams. Kathy

[daveydow1]

Trudi----Hoping that Mal is feeling better .

Rhonda-----Talking about haircuts.....I have not been to my hairdresser for several years.

Just didn't feel up to going,......so rather than end up looking like a witch, I've been

cutting my own hair. I must say, that I'm getting better at it, and no one seems to notice

that I don't go to the salon for haircuts anymore.....at least they don't say anything. But,

if it looked bad, I definitely would go to the salon for a haircut. It's just one of my quirky

things, I guess. I always went before, but seemed like I was always 'down in the dumps'

when it was time to go get my hair cut. (after Davey passed)

Susannah----So glad that you have been doing shopping for Christmas. I never do it

til a week beforehand. Like what you said about 'accepting the new me'

Leah-----It's good that Sena is talking more about JaBoa. I know that you have encouraged

the children to talk openly about her, and this will undoubtedly help them come to terms with

their loss. Bless their hearts. It's colder here now, after quite awhile of warm, but rainy, weather.

Sorry that you are in a down mood, but it is so understandable....especially at this time of year....

all the festivities.....decorations.....ads......and other hoopla. It can be very tiring, really. Peace, friend.

Dee----Yes....I agree. When a loved one is missing from an important family event,....it's as though

they really do look down and smile. I felt that at Becky's wedding, and felt that Dave was with us.

Michael and ERi must have been glowing with happiness for Jon & Shannon and your family.

Betsy-----I'm sorry to hear of your dad's passing. I, too, agree that one can make peace with

someone with small, but heartfelt gestures. Peace to you.

Polly----My heart goes out to you, and all the other new parents who are facing their first Christmas

and holiday season without your beloved child. It is indeed difficult, I know. Sending thoughts & prayers.

Kate----Thanks for your kind words. As for the holidays......I just try to keep everything on a low-key

level. I do what I can, and let the rest go. So sorry that your son felt guilt over the employee he had to

let go. It's nice that you put up the tree for your son. Yes----silence does speak volumes. Hugs and prayers, my friend.

Kathy-----So sorry about the $5. bill being stolen.....and it meant so much to you. That thief who stole

it, and all your money should have bad luck all year.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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[ericasmom]

Wow Karen so good to see your name again. Glad to know that you are indeed out there. Rough waters hu? I know, they can be very rough and then there can be a calm, and then the calm periods last longer and longer.

Yes, my SIL has always been a gem, she is Mike's sister and even though mike and I divorced many years before Eri died, she and I stayed family for sure. Carol, my SIL is the one I spoke to you about when we went to Minnesota, she reminds me of you, two women with great heart, and you both are east coasters...you would more than likely get along beautifully.

Yep, Beyond Blue is the way Beyond Indigo reads to me, it is that name and meaning that attracted me 8 years ago now. I love the name, Grieving.com is generic and holds no hint of the golden communication inside.

Leah, I hope that you don't get slammed with a snowstorm, and I wish you some rest.

Kathy, your compliment made me get tears, what a nice thing to say, thanks.

[kmb22]

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[ericasmom]

Do you mean Beth Zackey's Mom? What is up?

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[Guest msnher]

Okay, Indigo's...I need your prayers and positive energy. No. I don't need it...Amanda does. She gets her pacemaker tomorrow at 7. 5am my time.

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[Guest msnher]

Of course you can ask, my friend! Dartmouth. Dr Deloge...or something like that...Kenneth Deloge is doing the surgery (I'm not spelling the last name right). It is supposed to be a simple procedure and should only take about 30 minutes. They are keeping her overnight. I know it's just paranoia whispering (yelling) at me. It was good to see Shawn's face this evening.

I pulled a Karen today. I decided I could totally remodel my bathroom all by myself in one day. Turns out it's a lot easier to take things apart (the toilet and vanity/sink) than it is to put them back together again. My body took a beating. I often wish we lived closer until days like tomorrow. I know with one phone call you would be by her side. For that, I am so grateful!

I read all the posts and can't remember a thing of what I read except about Beth...prayers for Beth. I will catch up tomorrow (if I can move) Much love to you all!

[mikesmomrs]

Susannah: Prayers and good thoughts to Amanda (and you) for tomorrow (well, by now, it IS tomorrow). She is in good hands with the doctors at Dartmouth. Good luck with the bathroom. Been there, done that...aaarrrgghhh! But, if I were there, I would help. (Well, I could at least cheer you on!)

[mikesmum]

Karen ~ So good to see Shawn's pic. The music clip brings tears but nonetheless absolutely beautiful.

This site was originally Beyond Indigo's hence those who gather here are know to each others as 'Indigos'. As Dee says it is that name and meaning that attracted me. There is a larger 'business' now behind Grieving.com that does detract somewhat from the genuine love and support borne from a common experience.

I learnt from meeting some Indigo's face to face that we are able to share more than just our grief here.. Our good days, bad days, our fears, our aspirations, family 'secrets' that are otherwise kept locked inside are all shared here.

Its our first day of Summer and Winter is making itself known today. The mind is manic with thoughts of Christmas, grandies birthdays, school outings and a husband who isn't coping well with the possibility that his hearing loss might be permanent. While he is recovering from the shingles the thought that this might end his stellar career of 34yrs is a loss I don't think he's ready to face.

Sus ~ Thinking of Amanda as she undergo's the pacemaker insertion. I think Ralph was in Dartmouth wasn't he?

Carol ~ Its almost Friday here, thinking of you and Ralph as you take the next step on your 'new journey'. Absolutely love the bug, the peace & red sox sign...only other Indigo's see those signs...Hey to Mike.

Betsy ~ Thinking of you.

Kathy ~ I remember that $5 note from many many moons ago. I only hope someway it finds its way back to you, maybe in change as you buy for Christmas.

Small meltdown, tears as I wandered through the stores looking for a present for Harmony. Its so easy to buy for the other grandkids, I'm in their lives and have an idea on their likes, interests even sizes. Aside from getting a glimpse of her a few months ago, I have no idea who she is if you know what I mean. So there were tears. Believe me, I do understand how blessed I am to have grandies at all....just saying.

Well off to make gingerbread dough. Tomorrow I will be decorating stars, men and the like with Taryn the young girl I mentor. Its been sometime since I made this so wish me well.

[ericasmom]

Susannah, I send prayer and thoughts and hope to Amanda as she readies herself for this procedure. Prayers of hope to you as well.

[ericasmom]

Trudi Dear, I know shopping about for your Sweet and gorgeous Grandie Harmony is difficult, the not knowing who she is tears at your heart. Somehow though, you know her beginnings,, her bright eyes met yours, a bond was formed and I can't help but hold out hope that she feels that bond in her spirit as well. If you send her something, will it be accepted? If not, maybe a box with things in it for each year until one day you meet and can bestow the whole box.

Our first real day of winter is not until December 22, but meterologically speaking, (can't spell that) it is winter today.