Loss of an Adult Child

[julsmom]

So here I am two years and 8 days from the most awful day of my life and I am in tears. Who do you call when life is so out of control?? My husband has to work today and any ways, I dumped on him last night. Life has no joy anymore. Life has become overwhelming again. Even the simpliest of tasks, shopping, paying bills, keeping house is too much. I know it will pass, I know that some days are much better. But the days that are dark seem to be the darkest deepest times. I don't want to do it any more. My co-worker who talks about the problems with her son, is now telling me all about her daughter's student teaching experiences. It brings back so much of what Julie did with her student teaching, I want her to tell me about the problem stuff again, because that doesn't hurt like re-living the student teaching stuff. Does this make sense? I am sorry, I usually don't ramble on this site but my heart aches so much today. May we all find peace. Lynda

[aprilsmom]

Dear Julie's Mom, I am shedding a few tears for you too this morning. One of April's friends just had a huge wedding that she had helped plan - I couldn't bring myself to even go. A few weeks ago, another friend from that group of girls had her first baby. April would shop for hours finding unique gifts...would be so creative. I know your Julie had to be very creative as a new teacher because April's sisters Jami, 24 and Krisit, 29 and I are all teachers as well. Yesterday I bumped in to another couple who lost their son years ago. I asked them how they survived and tears came to both of their eyes. IT's been YEARS for them. I may never accept that my April is gone but I am quickly learning (it's only been 11 months)that life is going to be "out of control" until I hold my daughter in my arms again. God take away your pain, even for a little while today. Take Care, Renee

[julsmom]

Renee, thank you for your kind words. I know that God was the first to grieve when Julie died. Julie was our creative one - gift giving will never be the same. She had all the unique, fun ideas. We knew a couple whose son had died 25 years ago and they still shed tears at the mention of his name. As for weddings, no one close to us has gotten married so in that respect I haven't gone to any. However my husband is a minister, so we have been invited to some, but do not go. He goes into "pastor mode" as I call it, when he does the marriage ceremony, but there is no way we can attend receptions. Thank you for the tears, they mean a lot to me. May we all find the peace we need. Lynda

[aprilsmom]

Dearest Lynda, Do you have a website for Julie that I can look at? I am in California and it's 8:00 am. Do you live near us? The morning here is absolutely beautiful.....April's wedding was Nov. 11, 2001 and she passed Nov. 17, 2004. Her favorite colors were all the autumn golds, greens......I pray that God will let it be my favorite time of year again someday, it used to feel so cleansing but right now it is laced with sadness. Thank you for responding, Renee

[Artina]

Lynda,

I understand how you feel. It would be hard to listen to talk that is filled with some of your experiences with Julie. I imagine when you left that conversation, you felt like you had an elephant in your stomach. I struggle for a couple of days after I see or hear about the great things that kids Chris's age are doing. It hurts to hear exactly what they really are missing out on.

Peace to you, Tina

[julsmom]

Dear Tina and Renee - thank you both for your kind words. I live in NJ currently, where the weather is wet and rainy today. We moved here from the midwest just 3 months before Julie died. She lived on Long Island, NY. She spent the summer with us before returning to her apartment. Julie traveled the east coast that summer to see friends and to spend time with her boyfriend who lived in Pittsburgh. There is no website in her memory, the closest thing would be this:

http://www.heiferfoundation.org/remembrance/searchBook.cfm?honoree_last=c She is Julie L. Caster

We established this in her memory; we felt it would be a good way to honor her.

Her boyfriend posted pictures here:

http://groups.msn.com/HealingAfterLoss/flyingpenguin.msnw

May we all find peace, Lynda

[robertsmom]

I have not posted for quite sometime but I read everyday. It's been 2 1/2 years since I lost my son Robert age 29 in a car accident. Some days go ok. But still I go through stages of long periods of extreme grief. I feel so alone until I read the posts hear as so many of the experiences are the same feeling I often have. I wish I could offer words of encourgement since over two years have passed but I can't. I don\'t feel I will ever get over this. Just the other day a co-worker said something to me about clousue and all I could say is " I'll never have closure" Is this normal??

Aprilsmom

While I was reading the posts I saw you mentioned CA. Read your profile. I had lived in Palmdale. Left there 11 years ago. Just loved it there. So many happy memories. Robert had been visiting friends there. While on his way home to Kansas is when his accident happened. I just thought I\'d also share that Robert graduated from Palmdale High and that my grandson (Robert\'s son) lives there.

Peace to All Here

Robertsmom

[mattsdad]

julsmom,

Lynda,

Just visited your daughters' memorial page.

I am so sorry for your loss. The memorial is very special... Thank you for sharing it with all of us.

Jeff

[kathy714]

Dear Julsmom,i know exactly how you feel because it has been almost 8 monthes since i loss my son Nathan and i am also having a hard time watching as everyone else's families goes on.I work mostly with females,and they love to talk about all their kid's accomplishments,as i sit with my heart quietly breaking....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Hi,i feel like it has been so long since i have nad a chance to post,something happened the other day that is really bothering me,one of Nathan's friend's,actually she was our neighbor until about 6 monthes ago,they moved to Conn. right after Nate passed.Well she came to visit me the other day and she is having a really hard time dealing with the loss of Nathan,she is only 16 and i think she thought of Nathan like an older brother because she is an only child.She has pictures of Nathan everywhere in her car,she told me she has quit school,and has moved out of her house and is basically living out of her car,she is involved with a guy that sounds no good,i don't know what to do?Of course my first instinct was to call her mother,but i really don't know how to get in touch since they moved,because we really weren't on good terms when they left[which is another long story]Idid ask if she wanted to stay the night,but she said she was going to stay at a friends.ANY advice would be helpful,Thanx,Kathy,Nate's mom

[enufalreddy]

Kathy...Sounds like this is a very troubled young lady. Right now she is placing responsibility for ALL of her unhappiness on something that she can do nothing about. Without realizing it I am sure...but she is putting off responsibility for her own life onto something that she may feel absolves her from having to try to straighten out her own affairs. I would have to tell her that although you understand she is grieving the loss of her friend her game plan is inappropriate,irresponsible and unfair to Nate...after all there is nothing he can do and he is not responsible for her mental health.A girlfriend of my son's was being totally obsessed with his death and I had to tell her how I felt about it and that I didn't want to hear from her again.That is a much longer story also...not going to get into it here. Maybe your pastor could be there the next time she comes over and help intervene in getting this girl on the right path.I will pray for you both and for sane outcome....Erma

[julsmom]

to all, thank for the kind words and thoughts. Today is a new day, the sun is shinning, hopefully it will be a less emotional day. I know that good days do come and I hang on to that thought when the darkness comes.

Kathy-Erma is right, your son nor you can be held accountable for this girl's actions. Perhaps another neighbor might know where the mom is and you can get in touch with her that way. I certainly would want to know where my child was, no matter who was telling me.

Peace to all, Lynda

[jscmom]

Kathy, I am sure this young girl has more going on with her personal life and is using Nate to get help. I agree her parents need to know where she is.

My son's ex girlfriend still phones me she too has his pictures everywhere. When she calls I listen as tears roll down my eyes,she doesn't know I am crying but I can not stop her from expressing her thoughts and feelings. John still had a speical place in his heart for her when we spoke last he ask that I will always be there for her I made that promise and I will keep it.

Her mom is 45 and dying of Huntingtons 3 of her sisters have already died from this already. So as I listen to her talk of my son and the time they shared 4 years I hear John tell me thank you mama.

I do encourage her to move on as I do with Shannon, I know they both will some day so until that day I will listen.

Just my thoughts

Johnny's momma forever 22

[aprilsmom]

Dear Robertsmom, wow, it is such a small world. Chances are good that my 29 year old daughter knew Robert. I have lived here 51 yrs. and coached a lot, was your Robert involved in any sports? So many many kids have been killed in car accidents here lately. I have read 4 different families on this thread that live within a 5-10 mile radius, that is very scary don't you think? Welcome back to posting, so sad that we all had to meet like this. Take Care, Renee

Juls mom - just got home, couldn't sit still all weekend; who was it on here that talked about doing projects? We have spent money on the STUPIDEST things the last 11 months, why is that? Anyway, I can't wait to visit Julie's websites now, good night all

[kathy714]

hello,thank you all for your advice,i do agree i think this girl has had problems wiyh her parents for a while and Nathan was just what might of put her over the edge.Thanks again for all the replys,Kathy,Nates mom

[Michaelsmom]

Looking for a little pick me up. My son's birthday was Oct. 17 - he would have been 39 and the day he died was Oct. 31, 2002. Two weeks apart - So I'm hurting. I had to search for some pictures of relatives today and found way too many memories. My daughter died this past March at the age of 40 and seeing their pictures (they were 2 years apart)tore me up. All their pictures as children were together - they were very close. I miss them so. I know I have to go on but some days it's impossible. I have a husband who loves me very much and suffers daily himself. My daughter's two children depend on me - but I can't depend on myself - I should be used to this by now but I just can't handle it. I lost 70 pounds last year (my daughter and I worked together - she lost 60). I've gained 50 back - I don't care - I eat and drink. I just can't handle it. I'm from Chicago - the White Sox are hopefully going to win the World Series - my daughter was a die hard fan and so am I. More pain - she would be so happy. I cheer and cry - you are the only ones who know my pain. Thanks for listening.

Michael and Carolyn's Mom

[julsmom]

Michael and Carolyn's Mom - I am so sorry you are in this double pain. May you find peace. (As a side note, my husband is a die hard Yankee fan, but I know he is very happy Chicago is ahead and hopes they sweep Houston.) Try to hang on to the good memories. Hold those grandbabies extra tight. I certainly understand the weight issue. Lost 30 lbs over the last 18 months, but have been eating everything that is not nailed down this month. I don't think this is something anyone gets used to. Peace to all Lynda

[julsmom]

One more posting about Julie. I didn't realize it was still out there until I just went to it.

http://www.legacy.com/Newsday/Guestbook.asp?Page=GuestBook&PersonId=1481148&GuestPage=1

peace to all, Lynda

[rhonda68]

Michael and carolyns mom I am so sorry just know my thoughts are with you. I am happy you have a loving husband and other daughters but no one can fill that empty spot we all have in our hearts. It would have been my sons 20 th birthday so i have just gone threw that myself and I am having some kind of break down. Love you!

Richards Mom

[kathy714]

Dear Michaelsmom,my heart goes out to you during such differcult times,i am sorry for you to have to go through this pain,the pain i am feeling for the lost of my child and the fear i have of losing the other,my heart breaks for you.Iknow that pictures can bring sad feelings,but i thank god i have as many as i do,i look at them everyday.Ican't believe it is already almost Nov.and soon the holidays,and then it will already be a year,it still feels like just yesterday that this all happened..T/C YOU WILL BE IN MY PRAYERS

[maskott]

Michaelsmom...I am truly so sorry that you not only have to bear this pain once, but twice. You are never alone when you come onto this sight. You have a lot of support to help you through the tough times. Some days (most days) I have trouble looking at pictures. I really want to make a scrapbook but the thought of looking through all of the 24 years of pictures is unbearable. I started last night by just printing out 2 titles for the first page. It's a start. White Sox all the way.

BettyAnn

[donosmom]

Matthews birthday is quickly approaching. A week from Thursday. His fiance built a web page for him and I would like to share. The top 3 links are the main ones with songs, she created this from the slide show that Matt's Tae Kwon Do kids built for the funeral the others are the same pictures just different songs. http://members.cox.net/zisaiwu/MattLeBeau/frame2.htm

It still hurts so bad, I still can't believe this has happened. Thanks for letting me share my son.

Mary

Matt's Mom

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[maskott]

Donosmom...I went to the site for Matthew and it was beautiful. It is a wonderful tribute to a beautiful young man. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain that you are still going through. In time I would like to do the same for my Matthew but right now the pain is too fresh for me to even look at pictures. I will keep you in mind on November 3 and pray that you make it through the day. I've only been through my Matthew's second month anniversary so I don't even know the pain that any of these holidays will bring.

Thank you for sharing your son.

[jscmom]

Just another thought, as we picked out photos for John's DVD for his celebration of life my daughter decided to make a scrap book of of John's 22 years.

So far it is two books, the 1st one is baby to preteen and the 2nd one moves forward from teen until 22.

It was so hard to look at still is she isn't done it is how she is dealing with losing her little brother. The books are beautiful and she is so creative.

What I can't look at is videos once I tried and there he was alive I never so bad wanted to ump into a TV and grab him out. I could not watch the entire tape and have not looked at any othes since. Not sure I will yet I am glad we had so many pictures.

God bless all,

Johnny's momma forever 22

[maskott]

I'm so miserable these days. I have an hour ride into work and find I can't stop thinking about Matthew. I end up crying the whole way in. This makes my work day almost impossible. I'm drained and tired by the time I get in. Nobody here understands my grief so I'm so alone at work. Then it's time to go home and I cry all the way home. I have dinner and just don't want to be awake anymore so I go to bed. It is so hard. Just needed to get this out. I have two co-workers talking around me right now about Halloween...here I am in pain and no one cares. Such is life now.

BettyAnn

[donosmom]

Maskott, thank you for looking at Matthews web site. I have tried to start a scrapbook, but everytime I start it overwhelms me so I am grateful to Matthews fiance for putting this together because I don't think I ever could have.

I understand about the long drive and being alone once you are at work. I have a 40 min drive both ways and I remember those first few months I did the very same thing, I cried all the way. Finally I got an ear piece for my cell phone and I would talk to my husband on the drive home, sometimes we don't say much but it helps just to have him on the other end. Even today, 27 months later, I still cry most mornings and I chat with Matt on my drive. Then you are right you get to work and everyone has moved on in their lives and we are alone. I started a new job in Aug and I have no one to talk to and the days are so painfully long.

Mary

Matt's Mom

11-3-79 -m 7-13-03

[maskott]

Donosmom...thanks for the input. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I just don't know how I can endure this for 27+ more months. You keep telling yourself that it has to get better but I know from listening to all of you, that it doesn't. I know people grieve differently and some find peace before others but I still see people grieving 3 years later. There seems to be no peace in the future. It does help to talk to all of you and know that others are dealing with this the same as I am. Thanks for all of your support. This is a tough road that we are on.

BettyAnn

[rhonda68]

Maskott I sure know that feeling too I have a 25 minute drive to work I cry all the way there and back and ya evryone is talking haloween and christmas and these things just dont make any sense right now. I too just want to crawl under the covers and stay there. My 16 year old son is giving me all kinds of trouble right now and I am trying to raise him on my own as his father left us about 5 years ago. I am in so much agony everyday I feel like I can hardly tolerate it anymore. I have taken some sick time from work but I cant afford to be doing this either but I am going nuts. Right now I am trying to get my pain out and trying to find a spiritual side. One thing I noticed that does help is talking to people who have lost as well they are the only ones that understand but I sure feel lost in this world now its very hard to cope. I found a song about the way i am feeling it is by Mark Wills- Dont laugh at me.

Richards mom

[donosmom]

I have gotten through this past 27 months, one breath at a time, then a minute at a time then I found it was a day at a time, with back slides to the one breath at a time. I feel much like Artina when she said the first months and years I didn't care about anything, I had no happiness, goals, will about anything. As the time has pasted I am finding some of these things again. Artina mentioned in one of her posts about "staying in the moment" I agree with her completely and that came at such an important time for me when my youngest son was getting married. I had a wonderful day on his wedding day, sure when you look at some of the candid pictures, I definitely have a pensive look, but for the most part I "stayed in the moment" and did feel joy.

The pain, gut wrenching ache, the only thoughts I have are for Matt has gotten better. It will always be a journey of up and downs, but I am now able to look at his pictures, talk about him and tell stories and find that I can laugh and the memories are treasures. At first all they brought was tears and heartache, I wasn't even sure I wanted to go on if that was what life was going to be. So please don't let us scare you that we are 2, 3 and more years out from the initial agony and we still come here and need to be here, it is better (I wish I could find a better term) but certain things and times just roll it all to the front. I am finding I am beginning to reconcile myself with Matthews death, not get over it. For me there is a very big difference, I know now I don't want to get over it, just find a way to live a productive life with it. SOrry for rambling, I hope I have helped on where I am at 27 months, missing him terribly but still living. Thank you

Matt's Mama Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

[julsmom]

1 hour ride, 40 min ride, it doesn't matter. I only have a 12-15 minute ride (in NJ no less) and I've cried all the way to and from work. My co-worker's son was in a fender bender yesterday and all she was worried about was insurance rates and property damage. I told her it was ONLY property damage, but she doesn't get it. All that matter is that he is still up and moving.

BettyAnn, if you want to email me, please do so, maybe we can talk. If I remember right you also live in NJ.

Peace to all Lynda

[mattsdad]

donosmom, Mary,

I also checked out your son Matthew's web site. It is a beautiful and touching memorial to your son.You are lucky that Matthew's fiance had the strength to put it together. I hope you can take comfort whenever you can bring yourself to the site.

Jeff

[donosmom]

Thank you Mattsdad, I have been very lucky in many ways to have her in my life she has been a great friend and support to our family and I hope at some level we have been for her too. Right now I treasure it, but it still is very painful and I have a lot of yearning when I watch it. Mary

[mattsdad]

donosmom,

We too would like to get a memorial site going one day for our Matthew. We are finding it very hard to find pictures of him as an adult. (he was 24 when he passed in August). Hundreds of pictures of him as a young child. But time flew by and we never really much into taking pictures of people the last few years. Sunsets, mountains, sunrises we have plenty of. But not of our Matthew. And that really stinks! We are hoping some of his friends will give us some(if they have them) but they seem to be staying away from us. I guess they still feel uncomfortable about his death.

So take solace in that you are very lucky to be able to look at him when you need to.

We hope to do the same some day.

Jeff

[briansdad]

I found a penny today

Just laying on the ground

But it's not just a penny

This little coin I've found

Found pennies come from Heaven

That's what my Grandpa told me

He said " Angels toss them down"

Oh, how I loved that story.

He said," When an Angel misses you

They toss a penny down,

Sometimes just to cheer you up

To make a smile of your frown"

So don't pass by that penny

When you're feeling blue,

It may be a penny from Heaven

That an Angel tossed to you.

Now having typed all that I want to share this.I went to the cemetery this morning to see B. I walked up to the marker and there sitting right next to it in the grass was a dollar. So I guess Brian wanted to cheer me up by one hundred.He always wanted to do things in a big way.I guess he still does.Just thought you guys might like this story

I miss ya B

Love Dad

[maskott]

Donosmom...thanks for your rambling. Believe me, it certainly helps (I know you understand what I mean) One breath at a time, one day at a time is what I've been living. Most times, I can talk about Matthew but it's when I try to talk to Matthew I completely break down-but I need to talk to him. I accept his being gone but I will never accept losing him. I can't lose him so I try to talk to him as often as I can.

Rhonda 68...you sound so much like me. I'm going to try and find that song and hopefully it might cheer me up. Thanks

Julsmom... I tried to email you but I got an error message. I understand what you meant about the accident. They don't realize how lucky they are to have their child home and can hug them whenever they want. They probably don't even take advantage of that either. There's always tomorrow-I'll hug him tomorrow, tell him I love him tomorrow. Sorry-feeling sorry for myself. This morning two co-workers were around me (as I said in a previous message) and one was saying how his water heater was dripping. I'm almost in tears-my son will never be back-and he's concerned because his water heater is dripping. I wanted to say something so badly but I held my tongue. Sorry-bad day. I'll stop before I really rant and rave. My email is byrde55@go.com-if you want to email me I'll enjoy talking to someone.

Briansdad- Thanks...you make me want to look for pennies. Starting tomorrow, my eyes will always be looking down.

[julsmom]

Briansdad - I love about the pennies. My most memorable penny find was when we moved our son back to Cincinnati in Sept 2004. In May 2003 in Cincinnati the four of us (husband, me, son and Julie) went to dinner to celebrate son's graduation from law school. Son moved to WV for a year and then back to Cinci to begin practice. Julie died October 2003. As the three of us were walking I found a penny. I just know it was from Julie to let us know she was with us, if not physically, then in spirit. I do believe the pennies are signs in some way. Peace to all Lynda

[mattsdad]

to briansdad,

I know what you what you mean about Brian leaving dollars instead of pennies.

Matthew would have left a Movado rather than a Casio.

Jeff

[mattsdad]

mamabets,

Hope things are well. I have not seen you for a week or so. I know Danny\'s birthday is coming up real soon. Just wanted to let you know I haven\'t forgotten you. My prayers are with you in the upcoming week and hope his birthday is a blessing---not a curse.

BTW- A belated birthday wish to you from me---albeit a week late.

P.S. I am still looking for the feeling you discribed about my Matt\'s spirit.

(more to come about that).

Love-Jeff

[kathy714]

Iam having such a hard time lately,i think i can't believe that it is almost a year already,and i still feel like i am still in denial,i still can't breathe every time i think about Nate and the fact that he is no longer physically here.I have major anxiety just thinking about the up coming holidays,i wish i could stop time and keep them from coming.CRAZY,..i just feel so incomplete now,and i know others around us must feel it because my phone hardly ever rings and when it does it is usually a tela marketer..I don't do think people know what to say,and i know they are busy with their own families andtheir own life.I think i am having one of those feel bad for myself days and i want my old life back,and i know life as i knew it will never be again.Ilike the poem about the pennies,i find pennies everywhere lately....T/C kathy,Nate's mom

[ashleysmom]

Kathy, I don't know if we ever lose the denial. Ashley left us July4,2004 and I still look at her pictures and can't believe she's gone. Anxiety is also building in me, I wish we could tear the next two months off the calender. There is nothing crazy about not wanting to deal with the holidays. I have been having many "feel bad for myself" days. This life is just too hard sometimes, and what I would give to have my old life back! (as I'm sure everyone here feels). All we can do is take it one day, hour, minute at a time. It's hard to look around at others preparing for the holidays. I have found that people seem to "forget" now, and discuss their plans openly. This wouldn't be so bad if they didn't complain about their kids and whole families getting together. I would give everything for a "whole" family. I'm sorry I can't be more of a pick-me-up, but just know that I am thinking of you and know what you are going through. Peace to you and yours,

Dottie

[enufalreddy]

Hello all...haven't been to the site in a few days.It is too much to face some days even.Walt died 6 months ago the 19th of April. I feel so alone in my grief. My husband and Walt didn't get along really. They were civil but had no use for each other. My husband's line to me about my son was that " he wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire". So now he just doesn't say anything about Walt and I don't talk to him about it. Noone calls me aboutit or talks to me about it except one cousin who lost her son when he was 12 years old.I wish someone...anyone...would tell me the hurt for the loss of my son. I'm dying inside all alone and nobody cares.The funeral is over and everyone has gone home and forgotten about it except me. That's how I feel. I just want to hear his voice,hug him...anything.I like the poem about the pennies. I don't think I'll be of much use to anyone today. I'm just trying to stay sane one minute at a time today.Thank God there is at least you people who I can communicate with in some way and not feel totally alone.Thanks for being here....Erma

[maskott]

Erma...my heart goes out to you. I complain that I have no one to talk to except my husband. You don't even have that. I know the need to talk endlessly about the tragedy, life, emotions, mindless nothings. Please feel free to email me at byrde55@go.com and I will listen. You can talk about anything and everything that you feel. I know I didn't know Walt and I'm not that same as a family member or friend who did, but talk to me about him and I will know him. Matthew died almost 3 months ago, I am still new at grieving but understand that you need to talk and I want to help if I can. I am truly sorry about your loss and know what you are going through.

BettyAnn

[rhonda68]

Hi Kathy714 I understand your pain we went threw this about the same time. I think things are getting worse for me. I am having really bad anxiety attacks and alot of anger and confusion. I think I am going nuts and I dont know what to do anymore. I have been to counselling,support gruops,they put me on antideppressants and nothing works! The doctor has taken me off work now so I am trying to exercise and get a grip but this is so hard. I dont think I will ever get past this. I was only holding in here for my other son and now its like i lost him too. He is being so hard and full of anger he is almost kicked out of school i have tried everything for him as well I cant do this anymore!

Take care and my thoughts are with all of you

Richards mom

[jscmom]

Erma, I totally understand how you feel. Johnny was not my husbands son yet he was the only dad Johnny knew.

In the beginning after all the calls stopped, I wanted to talk about my son and my husband was the only here to listen but he didn't. I would try this for months I was so angry and sad. Long story short once he went to counseling with me he told the counsler that he did not want to talk about John because it was too hard on me.. the truth was it was hard on him as well.

The counsler got him to open up since we know speak of Johnny all the time.

This helps me even if is hard on him. As we were told a mothers love for her child is different not to say dads don't hurt like hell.

The months my husband shut down, I began to journal this did help me a lot. i hope you can find some peace with your husband.

Rhonda68 and Kathy: I agree with you, I feel like I am drowning and some one is pressing their finger on my throat. I am not looking forward to the holidays yet I have a daughter and grandchildren who need me. My daughter doesn't want to have holidays either yet her daughters do. It has been just a little over a year and I know I will never get over it, one half of me died when John did.

Doctor says it will take a lot of therapy and love for a long time not to accept this as I will never get over it. He doesn't agree that it will ever get easier he says it will get bearable. We will have a happiness again but a different kind. And how long all our changes will take everyone is different.

My heart breaks for ll of us on this horrible new life, I just hope and pray the doctor is right. Johnnys mom

[mamabets]

For Mattsdad- Hi Jeff and BettyAnn- As Monday approaches, Danny's 27th birthday, I am hoping to just go with whatever the day has planned for all of us who love and miss him , as we remember the day that he was so beautifully placed in my life. He never crawled, for example, and on the morning of his 1st birthday, I turned around and there he was, arms waving, walking across the room, beaming from ear to ear. We giggled as I twirled him around and around, dancing the moment away as if the world was on hold. I smile when I think of all of those times, for we spent many hours, for many years reminiscing about the wonder of Danny... together. He definately left this world knowing that his mom thought that he was one of God's greatest gifts. He had it all, but it was never enough for some and he couldn't quite understand why. He is at peace for eternity and I get peace from that, no doubt. He has all that will ever be needed in his Heaven. Celebrate him, all of you, if you will, and go find Mary Chapin Carpenters song... "In My Heaven"- Fits him to a tee, and I know that he will spread his magic to all and anyone who needs him, here, there and everywhere!! xoxo mamabets Thanks for caring and loving me and mine through this!!

[daveydow1]

Hello to all,

I haven't been on BI for awhile. I understand when some

of you say that the depression, pain, etc. just gets to

be too much, and even getting on this site seems too much

to do.

Jcsmom, Thank you so much for talking about pictures and

videos. I do not have any videos of my Davey, but had asked

my brother-in-law if perhaps he may have some from family

gatherings. You mentioned that you would have a hard time

seeing your son on a video---alive & well. I had never

stopped to think how that would effect me if I was to get

video footage with my son in it. Now, I think that I will

just let my request to my brother-in-law pass by and just

forget about it. Thank you for your post. It is most helpful.

Donosmom,

I agree with you about reconciling ourselves to our children's

death. That may be something that none of us here can do--accept

our child's death. At this point for me (28 months) I am in

just sad resignation.

Thanks to all for your posts. They help. Peace to all.

[jajjaaj]

Hello all,

I so appreciated all your responses. April was attending school in CA and I brought her back to Colorado for burial. I really don't know where I will be going with my life and haven't since day one. I have 5 children (notice I said 5). 2 still living at home ages 12 and 16, one that is 19 working in Wyoming in the oil fields, one that is 27 who just moved back to Colorado with a new wife and then of course my little April. It takes every ounce of energy to keep my house and my children going. I feel like I've gone crazy and I'm never coming back. I haven't been back to work in nearly a year. I can't breathe. And I've gained 50 lbs since April's passing. I have resigned myself to talking about April whether one likes it or not. She is my daughter forever and I will never pretend she did not exist. I gave birth to her, watched as she learned to crawl, walk and talk. There when she started school and there when she graduated and there when she started college and entered the world. She is a huge part of my life as are all my children. If one feels uncomfortable when I talk about April, than they need not be in my life. My friends are different and several are the same. But they are wonderful and have been with me through this. And as wonderful as they have been, I still feel lost and alone. I feel like I'm in a little glass bubble looking out, but not apart of the world. As April's 1st anniversary comes upon me, I feel my self crashing. I try to put on a brave face and be there for the kids, April's friends and my family. They all call and I don't want to be the one crashing when they are in need of a shoulder. I know this sounds selfish, but I feel like the weight is too heavy and is becoming a burden. I can't hold myself up. Anyhow, sorry for being a nut and rambling, just needed to see myself talk I guess. Thank you

April's Mom

Cyndi

[kathy714]

Dear Mamabets,i hope you are doing ok,it seems like it has been awhile since you have posted here,you will be in my thoughts on monday,and i will say a prayer for you and your family to find peace.T/C Kathy,Nates mom...

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i know it does seem like it's getting harder,not easier,but i feel like to everyone else time goes on,they get busy with their own lives[and rightly so],and i feel like i am on the sidelines watching,and wishing i could go back to my nice comfortable life[which we know can never be].My older son came over all the time right after Nate passed,but even now it is hard to get together because we all work different hours.I took 6 monthes out of work,[also because my husband was ill].Where i think you went right back to work so maybe this time off will be good for you and you can take the time you need ,to grieve.Also maybe you and your son can do some grief counciling together,i don't know,does he go to any kind of counciling[it might help].You are in my prayers and thoughtsT/C..Kathy,Nates mom..

[mamabets]

For Kathy714- You are sweet to think of me- I don't think that we dread one day any more that the next. I remember so many wonderful things about my life with Danny- I also remember so many painful things about his life, and Jackie's, with their father. I think that had I completely blasted him prior to this, perhaps I would not feel so sorry for all that Danny felt he had to endure. I don't know- Just wandering aimlessly as these eyes are telling me that we are awake again!!! A new day!! Accepting that we will never accept our kids being gone, can help us to accept this life, however it is. That makes sense to me on a very regular basis, and without any kind of sense, there is no order at all, and then I am really headed for a state of constant disaster. I will say this- I now can relate to all of us here, all of the time. Period. I can not relate to hurricane victims- Have not lived in New Orleans- I wish that I could feel as deeply as I once did, but it is because I am clinically dead somewhere within a small part of my something- heart, soul, gut, head- or, all of the above. I accept that and there is no one or anything that can bring that dead part of me back. I am not the same person that I was 2 years ago. I am a mother who has lost not only a child, but a great friend, so I try to be easy on myself and try not to figure out what can't be. It is almost like trying to fit a big square into a pinhole- Don't even sign up for the job, because not only will it not work for any of us- It hurts like hell to constantly be reminded how willing we all ar to try ,while missing our kids remains the same.xoxo God Bless, all of you!!! xoxomamabets