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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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mamabets, Thanks for your words. My husband, mattsdad, found this site soon after Matthew passed and I'm thankful that he did. It helps to talk to people going through the same situation. No one I know has had to deal with this and don't know the dept of the impact this has. I work with my brothers and no one wants to talk. So, I appreciate you and the others that are willing to help us that are new. I still can't get used to this. I cried on and off all day. I know it takes time. Thanks for caring.

BettyAnn

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Just to let all the dads (and moms) know out there today was a bad day for me.

There is no explanation of why one day is harder than any other. All I know is that today is number 71 that Matthew is gone and it hurts more today than number 70 or 69, etc...

The only thing that gets me through this is my faith in that we will all be together when our time comes. Sometimes that time is not close enough for me, but we all must keep going forward despite our pain.

Again, I would like to express my love for all who come to this site for comfort and understanding. We have all come here because of our pain and loss. We are lucky that we are here to comfort one and other..

You have given me the strength to carry on. There will be a tomorrow. It might not be great, but it will be there to challenge our faith. And I know that we all can get through this together.

Hang in there,

Jeff

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I HOPE THAT THIS IS NOT OFF TOPIC----

Maskott (my wife) and I were on a trip trip to South Carolina (in search of a new home) when Matthew passed. We didn't have the heart to to bury him in our home town, so we decided the best thing to do was to have his remains cremated so that we could bring him with us when we made our LAST move. (The funeral home calls them his "cremains"...That is a neat and tidy referal isn't it).He now is in his bedroom where we can sit and be with him until we decide where we will relocate. Among his urn are some pictures and memorabilia (not too morbid)... It is, believe it or not, a place of great peace.

Until the time comes when we move from this house house he will be protected from any ghouls who would dare take from any outside memorial.

Then again, now that we have his remains, it almost seems impossible that we could inter him anyplace. The seperation would be very hard to deal with.

I would think that that we should always keep Matthew with us, not the earth.

Any thoughts?

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For Mattsdad- I decided long, long ago that I wanted to be cremated- No funeral, just a celebration and ashes sprinkled over Tampa Bay. Since that time, life has tragically changed, so while there always would be a cremation, where they would sprinkle, remains to be seen. I think that decisions often present themselves whenever... As I said long before this, "What will be already is, just stay tuned"- Let me start by telling you that we live in North Carolina and South Carolina is positively beautiful. Hang on to those memories and take them with you whenever, wherever you want to- In the meantime, go to them for peace. I think that it is wonderful for you. I have an aunt that was cremated in New York a few years back, was to be buried {??} in Bernardsville and couldn't be because they ALLLLL got snowed in-!!!!! For days!!!!! Had to split the ashes among the feuding sisters, as in her daughters!! We do laugh about it still, believe it or not- This aunt of ours was a hoot and Bernardsville, New Jersey would NOT have been her choice for last stop!!! She was not that fancy!!! Danny was placed in some mosoleum, his father then complained about "having" to spend $30,000.00 on his funeral- Danny's insurance money paid for the pathetic fathers show, and HE was blowing this horn that lied!! He wouldn't even pay for a cell phone bill for Danny and took money from him when he was low in his bank account. Do what works, and as Tina says, leave the rest. Let whatever, whenever and whoever have opinions- Won't matter to you, trust me- It all pales in comparison now- That is why BettyAnn can work with her brothers that say not one word about this- It all pales and while it is a horrible way to decide what does and doesn't work, the moment defines for the rest of my life, I know that. I have the moment, pretty much, and no one should take it personally. There is no back up here- The weekend went well, a tremendous amount of sadness coupled with lots of happiness!! Thanks and hang tough- Dream South Carolina... It is waiting and you will be capable when it tells you to come!!! How long have you been in Andover?? xomamabets

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Hi, mamabets,

We've been in Andover for the past 20 years. This section of NJ has been referred to as the icebox of NJ because of the mountains and higher elevation. When it rains in other parts, it snows up here...

Well, I am tired of the icebox and now look forward to the warmth of the south.

I look forward to the slower lifestyle and the mindset of the people down south.

Friends say that it is too hot to make the move... I say that life is too short to spend it in the "ice box" of NJ.

Jeff

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For Maskott- What you will get used to before long, my friend, is being OK with not getting used to this- It seems as if life before this will always dictate all thoughts and moves ,but,with days, then weeks, then some months, time no longer matters- See, it all becomes contagious, this thing called grief- It is all bad yet needs us to do some good- With death of a child comes something- I am so unfamiliar in my world now, trust me. But, as I bump along and meet those like Mark, whose daughter was murdered, and as he helps his beloved wife prepare to pass, he has our hope tucked in his heart tonight. I am proud to have him as one of my trusted now... And, Stu- 2 kids later, he will show up ASAP- Just call on him- The list does go on and on with duplicate loss upon duplicate losses. But they trust us. And when someone isn't capable of taking a breath from a broken heart, only a place like this can understand. It seems so very simple, but thanks to this thing called losing a child, it can and often does, become impossible. For me, I have found a niche once again . Among lifes finest, only this time we are all hanging out on some place of the unknown. I now know what it feels like to hate this life and every day in it - And so do all of us. This is an arena where someone will always not only understand you now but will remember the feeling when the cops showed up, or the feelings whe the daughter found her brother, or the last round of chemo that failedd, only to think a miracle was in the wings. All too familiar, all too often- It is the glue of something like this. The unspoken changing of the guards, always.. I was born optimistic- I sure as hell do not want to become pesimistic, but optimistic?? A little too trusting - It all changes every day for all of us. With a little bit of time, what once would have seemed important, doesn't. And, it isn't important in the big picture, most of the time. The mechanics of life, our world as we knew it, has changed for us ,totally. The rest remains to be a never ending mystery- So, just be HOW you are, because WHO you are feels so different.So uncomfortable with home sweet home- That is the only thing that I relate to- How instead of who, and way before when... I feel those, and I tend to as needed- Call on me, as I am here!!!... xomamabets

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HEY JEFF!!!- Too hot in South Carolina???? Uh, no-Cold hurts, hot equals warmth equals feel good kind of days and nights- However, not like hot as in Florida- See, I love the warm- But, South Carolina is perfect- The perfect climate- And, a great place full of great people.. What you see online, you probably get!!! We are just outside of Charlotte and I would move to Anywhere, within certain ares, of Anywhere, South Carolina, in a week!!! Plus, a move to new and different with Matthew leading the way... I say that I go to Danny for everything now- These tables have turned...xoxomamabets

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For Mattsdad- What are your daughter's opinions re: the possibility of a move?? How old is she? How is she holding up? You and your wife seem to be part of each others page here and that will only benefit all so much in the long run- This is only an opinion... I would much rather have two seasons with 1 1/2 the wardrobe, as opossed to anything that required more wardrobe because of cold weather!!!!! YAH!!! I run for the covers when it gets too cold- Tan will always feel better than pale, period- No argument there- A managed, moderate belt of sun, as I call it-!! Remember, I just spent 4 days in Florida with lots of Palm trees- Where are grandparents, siblings, cousins and lifelong friends?? Any and all nearby?? xomamabets

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Mattsdad,

We had our son cremated and have not made any decisions as to what we will do with his remains. We have a beautiful urn and still have not moved his remains from the original box that they were sent home in. I don't know why we haven't moved them over to the urn, we just haven't. When I am ready- I will. I operate that way. When my Spirit, energy, and mind all come into alignment- I will then do what needs to be done. I have not lined up with a decision yet. Thus, as you can see, do what feels right to you. That’s what is the most important.

Peace to you, Tina

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alwaysmyjennifer

Tina, this is the best approach for us all. Whatever we do, we need to do what brings us peace. Thank you for your superb wisdom. Mark

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Kathy and Mamabetts, thank you for your reply. I feel like a dectective, I don't ever want John to be without flowers and such so now I feel I have to go everyday to make sure flowers are there. It really sickens me to no end, as if I did not have to deal with.

Cremation was not an option, John did not want this. He is resting in a beautiful area, a well cared cemetary. The couple of cemetaries we have here in our home town are not kept up.

If we ever move I will take him with us. We are thinking Maui.

Thanks for listening,

Johnny's mom forever22

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For Jcsmom- Of course your John needs a cemetary site- He has this wonderful mother that continues to watch out for him, as she continues to keep his place nice and beautiful... You shine in my eyes too!!! Have a peaceful day- You are another inspiration in my new book of stories, as are all of the rest here... Maui sounds like Heaven on Earth- This would be wonderful for all, no doubt!!!! Come and talk to me!!! xomamabets

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mamabetts, Thanks for all of your words of advice, support and caring for both Jeff and me. As you know, any comfort is always welcomed during these hard times. As we all grieve differently, Jeff and I decided to do this sight on our own, describing to others how we are feeling and dealing with our loss. We also are grieving together making sure we tell each other how we are feeling. It seems to be working. I will let Jeff answer all of your questions when he gets on. I just wanted to say thanks.

BettyAnn

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For Artina- Having your son with you in the box is absolutely as it should be now- What is, is and if and when you are ready, you will move him. If not, not to be. I am in complete agreement with you. Whatever works, for the complete duration!!!!! My family knows to sprinkle me- I also , for some very strange reason, found a jar that resembles an urn at Winn Dixie last year for $3.00- Really pretty, and it sits on our bookcase- Perhaps someday I will live in there!!!! xomamabets

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For BettyAnn- You are very welcome and please let me know if ever you need one to ramble on about feelings- I have it down to a science!!! These early days are so, so, so hard and I am with you. What you are going through is exactly what we have all done. Coming here to us has saved you in a way, because it is such tremendous help. It can do nothing but carry you and encourage you whenever you feel scared and lost. Any time of the day or night. I also think that we can e-mail each other- My AOL says loud and clear "You've got mail"- I will jump in the night if I am needed- One only sleeps with one eye shut, it seems, after something like this. Create a vision of a cozy, peaceful, fun place in South Carolina... Red geraniums that stay red all year!! It would be good- And, we could meet!!! I am just outside of Charlotte!!! How old is your daughter?? xomamabets

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To Mamabets,

Our daughter Kristin is 18 years old and holding up remarkably well. She was the one who found Matthew dead on the couch that Sunday morning. Dealing with the police, paramedics and the medical examiner all within a short amount of time was very tough. As you may remember we were not home, we were 5 hours away on a Virginia highway.

She has been to the "loss of sibling" forum. She has gotten some feedback from some other B. I. members. Thanks to you all for that.

She is also getting counselling from our pastor. He agrees that she is doing very well. She is mad at God right now for taking her brother, but one day we hope that will pass and see that Matthew was mostly responsible for his own death.

And once again I would like to express how much this site has helped us through the past few weeks. The support is tremendous.

Jeff

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For Mattsdad- Jackie was at Danny's bedside when they took him away for organ donation... Alone. This is what they shared in life- A no matter what frienship, and we now know that it was all part of Danny's larger plan. I stressed to Jackie very early on, because she was FURIOUS that this had happened, that life had done this to Danny, not God. God carried him home to Big Bill {my dad, who died 6 weeks earlier}- She got it, quickly. Life, and very often the dangerous people in it, can and will do this. Look at what life has dealt us- I do not know where I would be without a belief in the knowing that Danny will carry us all home one day- This thing called life is just a pit stop... I see that your e-mail is here- I have some miracle photos that have been taken since Danny's passing- If you want to see them, let me know!! I will fire them right off, and you will never doubt again, I hope. xomamabets

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I HOPE THAT THIS IS NOT OFF TOPIC----

Maskott (my wife) and I were on a trip trip to South Carolina (in search of a new home) when Matthew passed. We didn't have the heart to to bury him in our home town, so we decided the best thing to do was to have his remains cremated so that we could bring him with us when we made our LAST move. (The funeral home calls them his "cremains"...That is a neat and tidy referal isn't it).He now is in his bedroom where we can sit and be with him until we decide where we will relocate. Among his urn are some pictures and memorabilia (not too morbid)... It is, believe it or not, a place of great peace.

Until the time comes when we move from this house house he will be protected from any ghouls who would dare take from any outside memorial.

Then again, now that we have his remains, it almost seems impossible that we could inter him anyplace. The seperation would be very hard to deal with.

I would think that that we should always keep Matthew with us, not the earth.

Any thoughts?

Jeff, Julie is buried near we live now. We also knew we would not be here forever. We also live in NJ (Matawan). My husband and I do not get any comfort from going to the grave site. We will eventually move, too expensive to retire here, and have already decided that we will come back at least once a year. Our thoughts are that Julie is not there, only a shell. We have never been people to visit graves, even his Dad, who has been gone for over 35 years. I think every family has to do what is best for them. May you find that road. Peace, Lynda

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Earlier there was discussions on the holidays, the last 2 years we were with family for Thanksgiving and they were not good days, no one wanted to mention Matthew and if we talked about him they acted offended that we would talk about something so depressing so this year we have decided not to go. The other 3 kids won't be able to be home or go to their grandparents because of work committments so we are taking off Thanksgiving morning and going to Tunica for 4 days. I can not tell you how relieved I was when my husband and I made this decision. I will miss the other kids but 2 are out of state and our son just got married and going to his wife's family, so it just seemed like the best solution.

Don't know yet how we will handle christmas, it just depends on the kids. But if they are in the same situation as Thanksgiving I imagine we will go on another trip.

On the issue of burial, my family knows that I am to be cremated and then sneak out to the cemetary and bury my ashes with Matt. When something happens to his little miniture pincher ZsaZsa I plan to cremate her as well and bury her ashes with Matthew.

Matthews birthday is approaching and we a struggling with out to honor him this year. I did order an eternal candle it turned out beautiful. If anyone is interested check out www.franscandles.com. That is where we got the memorial candles for the wedding and they were wonderful too. Well here I go again rambling on and on. I don't post often but read every single day.

My prayers go out to all of you, may moments of peace touch your lives.

Matthews Mama Mary

11/3/79 - 7/13/03

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Julsmom----Lynda--

It is a shame that the expenses of NJ force good people out of this state.

We just hope that the promise of relocating will result in a happier life.

Jeff

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alwaysmyjennifer

Thank you all for the kindness and support last weekend as I faced Jenni's birthday. These special days are painful for a old softy like me. I'm very devoted to my family. Going into Christmas, I'm seeing it's going to be difficult, but I'm so blessed to have my grandson. The joy he pours into grandpa's heart will help me get through the months ahead. Again, thank you all for all you have done for me. You are the greatest!

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mamabets,

Got your e-mail. Thanks for the pictures. You are lucky that you are getting such comfort from them. Keep looking and I hope you get a million more.

I'm still looking for signs. I guess I just have to look harder.

Jeff

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To briansdad,

greg

What a wonderful surprise to get your e-mail.

Beautiful image and beautiful words. My wife downloaded the picture and I am sure we will find a frame and hang it somewhere where we will see it often.

To be honest, I still whince sometimes when I hear Matthew's name. It sneaks up on me and then it's gone. It is getting better, however.

Thanks again,

Jeff

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For Jeff- Don't look- It's all about a "feeling"- When something "feels and gets your attention", be still and then look- It is then that we often see something. I get comfort, yes, but often it is amazing that Danny seems so close, yet so many worlds away. I hope that I have helped you some in this process!! xomamabets

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I lost my 21-year old daughter April to Pancreatic Cancer. We did not know she had the disease. Neither did she. The Coroner informed us. The cancer had a main artery which burst. She bled to death in just a matter of minutes. She was all alone.

April was one class shy of graduating from college. She had just rented an apartment in CA on a month to month basis so that she could join the Peace Corps and move when she graduated. April wanted to join the Peace Corps to give children a better life. She had been in the new apartment 2 days before passing away. She didn't show up for work and her friend called the police. She was such an awesome person. November 3rd will be the 1st anniversary of her death. It doesn't feel like a year has gone by, on the other hand if feels like a life time. This has been the worst year of my life. I'm not me anymore. I'm this other person that I don't know and I don't like. I know that April would want me to be the positive, organized person I have always been. But that just isn't me anymore. Everyday is a struggle and I don't know that it will ever get better. I just loved that girl with all my heart. She was at the age that we were friends. We laughed and joked and although she was 800 miles away at school, we spoke several times a week. Hard to believe that I haven't spoken to her in almost a year. I miss her voice, her cute giggle, the funny words she would make up in a sentance when she couldn't think of a real word, I miss waking her up in the morning with "Good Morning Sunshine", I miss her contagious smile that would light up a room and most of all.... I miss hugging her and telling her I love her.

April's Mom, Cyndi

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Hi Everyone,

I hope you are all sitting in the remaining silver light of the harvest moon. I always think of Neil Young and am listening to him now as he sings, "i want to see you dance again, because i;m so in love with you, under the harvest moon."

My girl Erica saw Neil Young at a 3 day concert in Tennesse in June of 2003, just two weeks or so before she died. I played his music all of my years from the time i was 14 and still do, and so when she told me she loved seeing him I was so pleased. Cyndi, my girl would be 21 now like your girl, she was born in April of 1984. She died at 19 however, hit by a train. Shocking, like you and so many here, it was sudden and shocking. I am so sorry that you had this tragedy in your lives, and i know what you speak of when you say you are not the same. None of us are the same, but eventually the person that emerges from the tragedy of this loss is you with alterations. YOur lives have been altered adn your lovley girl knows that it takes time to learn to live again in this pain. Be kind to yourselves, realize that for whatever reason it is you here on earth living and you will do the best you can when you feel able. One year is not a long time and yet it is a lifetime without our children. Eri and I had begun that adult friendship too, and i so miss it. It had just begun really, it felt so good to know we had emerged from the turbulent times of her teens to a more easy and relaxed give and take.

May you find on November 3rd that your lives take on a new shape and purpose that helps you live in the light of your daughter. May you feel her peace.

dee

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To All,

I'm just curious.I find myself feeling pangs of guilt because it seems to me that I'm kind of wound up with myself.You know, how I feel.I'm having a bad day.Someone said something uncalled for to me.I was just wondering if we'll ever get out of the me feelings.Maybe it's normal but it bothers me that I think this way.Is this nuts?

I miss ya B

Love Dad

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Briansdad, What you are feeling is so sadly normal. As time goes by you will be able to count on stupid remarks from so really dumb people. Some you have to forgive as they don't know what to say others you just have to ignore and decide whether or not you want to talk to certain people again.

It has been a little over a year since my Johnny died and in this year I have had to make some choices I never thought I would.

My older sister (who I thought was my best friend hasn't spoke to me since my son's funeral in that she includes her family except her daughter.

Many family members blame me for John's passing, and are very mad we did not his girlfriend (fiance') in jail.

John's half brother and his family walked.

I know have a small family which it took me awhile to accept but you know what I am ok with it. The loss of my son hurts like hell and their actions are not even close to the pain in my soul.

DO NOT LET THE FEELING OF GUILT GET TO YOU, I did this for many months it consumed me. Lets face it if we knew our children would leave this world before us they would have been placed in a bubble until we died.

Just know you son loved you as you do him and love is what matters.

My prayers are with all of you.

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Dear Ericasmom,my son Nathan passed on his 21st birthday,and reading your post ,i know what you mean about being able to enjoy their adulthood after the rocky teenage years.Last year Nathan and i took a 2 week trip to Fla,just the two of us.We had the best time,visiting family,then we rented a car and drove down the west coast of Fla together,everything about that trip was perfect,it was almost like God gave me this wonderful time with Nate because he knew Nathan's time on this earth was going to be short.We even said we were going to try to make it a yearly trip,so this year when APRIL rolled in,all i could remember thinking was,what a difference a year makes...T/C Kathy Nate's mom

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heartbrokendad

Dear Cyndi,

I lost my daughter CarrieAnn on 11/3/02, she was 34 she died from a drug overdose...I know what you mean about missing their smiles, their voices, their laugh.. I also lost my son Matthew to a blood clot, he died the day he was to enter a rehab clinic, for ,you guessed it, drugs...he died on 7/16/03...life sucks now, all I do is talk to kids and parents about drug abuse...

hang in there...

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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Cindy,

I am sorry for your loss. Your daughter sounds like she was a very caring and lovely young lady. I agree, the one year mark is both "wow I can't believe one year has passed" and "It's only been a year, it feels like I have been hurting my whole life". Time really has no space in my life anymore. In fact, time is a deep subject in itself. Please know that we will be thinking about you as you approach Nov 3. Angel Dates are very difficult on us... be patient with yourself and make sure you take the time you need to get through it.

Peace to you, Tina

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Briansdad,

Please know that the "me feelings" are very important to taking care of yourself and your grief. Don't feel guilty for putting your emotional health first... it's important to your healing. When you are able to, you will be able to focus on other peoples' needs. But, first you have to take care of yourself.

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I lost my 21-year old daughter April to Pancreatic Cancer. We did not know she had the disease. Neither did she. The Coroner informed us. The cancer had a main artery which burst. She bled to death in just a matter of minutes. She was all alone.

April was one class shy of graduating from college. She had just rented an apartment in CA on a month to month basis so that she could join the Peace Corps and move when she graduated. April wanted to join the Peace Corps to give children a better life. She had been in the new apartment 2 days before passing away. She didn't show up for work and her friend called the police. She was such an awesome person. November 3rd will be the 1st anniversary of her death. It doesn't feel like a year has gone by, on the other hand if feels like a life time. This has been the worst year of my life. I'm not me anymore. I'm this other person that I don't know and I don't like. I know that April would want me to be the positive, organized person I have always been. But that just isn't me anymore. Everyday is a struggle and I don't know that it will ever get better. I just loved that girl with all my heart. She was at the age that we were friends. We laughed and joked and although she was 800 miles away at school, we spoke several times a week. Hard to believe that I haven't spoken to her in almost a year. I miss her voice, her cute giggle, the funny words she would make up in a sentance when she couldn't think of a real word, I miss waking her up in the morning with "Good Morning Sunshine", I miss her contagious smile that would light up a room and most of all.... I miss hugging her and telling her I love her.

April's Mom, Cyndi

Cyndi - I am sorry for your loss. My 27 y/o daughter died 2 years ago in a one car crash. She went to Burkina Faso (in W. Africa) with the Peace Corps right after she graduated from college in 1997. She only stayed 6 months as she got ill and had to come home. She spent the next 6 yrs working with youth and getting her masters in teaching and had just begun teaching English to high school students. Your daughter sounds so much like mine. I pray that you find the peace you need. Lynda

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Cyndi, I understand about you not being organized anymore. Sometimes, I feel that my mind has shut down. I can't think of the simplest things anymore. My daughter asks me a question-What movie was so&so in and my response is always, I can't think right now. I've been making stupid mistakes at work. I exist through each day. I miss Matthew's smile and all I want is to be able to "hug him" and tell him that I love him.

BettyAnn

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Briansdad, I don't know if this is what you meant, but I've been feeling that since I'm in such agony, I want people to feel sorry for me because I am going through hell. I get angry because everyone I know has gone on with their lives as if nothing has happened. I work with my brothers, Matthew has been gone 10 weeks, and its like nothing happened. We work like we did before Matthew died. No change. However, there is a huge change in my life. I want comfort, I need comfort, from family and friends. Anyway, that's how I'm feeling right now. I'm all about me right now also.

BettyAnn

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For Jajjaay- We all try to welcome you, under these horrifying conditions- Know that we do, with open hearts and open arms. This is awful, and will never be anything else but that. However, with some time, and some hope that is flying around, deep within the core of you, and between each and every line of this place called Beyond Indigo, you will be able to feel and see that life will go on, as different as this all is. It will be different from now on, but before long, different becomes who we are, we realize it, and start geting used to it. I feel guilty often getting used to it, then I hear my son Danny say to me in my heart "Hey, Ma- Let's be different together"- He died in June of 2004 after being hit by a semi truck. He went on to save 5 lives- His story is on the story page here at Beyond Indigo- I feel for you so, please stay with all of us here. My name is Betsy, better known as the Bets...xo mamabets

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For Stu- Yup, truer than true- It sucks and it sucks and it sucks- More and more it sucks, less and less do I feel hopeless though!! That is a good thing!!! I am with you always as you journey on and new people come here that need us. We do what we can, when we can. The rest? God can have it!!! xomamabets

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For Kathy714- My son died on the highways of the west coast of Florida- Near Tampa, in Pasco County- But, guess what?? I was with him right before in APRIL of 2004, and we had had the best time together. He had been in an accident and I went down to be with him. In spite of his pain after surgery, we hung out in his hospital room for days and days and had a riot of a time. Laughed until we cried, I prayed that life would start to be good to him. I hoped that his Dad would start to be nice to him. I wished that his stepmom would start to wake up and see his dad for who and what he was and is- Didn't happen- Is Danny in a better place? Would have to be? Am I here in the same? Yup- And for all who continue to hope all of those good things for me... That I continue to believe in Danny, no matter what or where, as always... Top on the list, and for those who do not do the same??? See ya! xomamabets... Take that trip to Florida- You might be amazed come April of 2006!!

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For Ericasmom- Neil Young will work every time... Brings me right back to the last days of high school- I just turned 50 on the 18th!!! YIKES!! But, 50 has been gentle so far- It knows better than to be anything else, for I never thought that turning 50 would include not having Danny with me. Forty was so great, but I didn't have Dean with me. Dean called us all, right after, on Halloween, the 31st, which is Dannys birthday and he has been with us for these past 10 years, after realizing that a girl named Betsy with 2 kids and three dogs might make a good wife- His last name is Ross, I am now Betsy Ross, we got a fourth dog and Danny died 5 years after my grandbaby, his niece, was born. It is all about this insane life, while we are here. Completely insane, everything about it- We will all rest for eternity one day and for that I will somehow manage through this insanity!!! xomamabets

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Oh yes Briansdad; I agree with Artina - right now, it's all about you!!! I understand how you feel though because I told a counselor, "I don't want this to be about me at all" and she replied, "What do you mean, it's ALL about you right now, after all April has made it - YOU'RE the mess".

Other songs - Incubus - "Miss You" and I heard the new one by Kenny Chesney "What you'd be Today" is good. When my son-in-law went to take the stereo system out of April's truck after the accident, the Incubus CD was in the player. It's song #11 (her soccer number), It starts, "waking up with you was a gift....". Nov. 17th is the one year mark; it's killing me. I miss her so much I can't stop crying......thought I was doing okay.

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Hi everyone,

what a spirited converstation here at Beyond. I think that reading your posts are a way I feel deep spirituality. I get to communicate with jpeople from all over the world whose hearts have been changed like my own, and we get to say anything we need to say and we know we will be listened to. I thank you for that, and i hope all of you new to this journey feel supported in kind. Several of you are just approaching the one year mark, others even closer in time to their loss, so my heart to you all. As many have said and I shall repeat, be good to yourselves. Other people in your lives will deal with this differently than you may need or expect, siblings may not be able to support you in your heartache, they simply do not know how, and some simply cannot get that close to this magnitude of pain. And while we are not related by blood, we are joined by ourlosses, so come here and cry your pain out, we will all listen.

Bets, I will soon be 50 as well, in April, same month that my girl would be turning 22. I swear I was just 9, but time happens fast even in this muddled state, so live your best life now, it is differnt than before, but your child will shine their light for you, live in it.

love to all,

dee

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Maskott I know what your talking about everyone in my life just keeps going like nothing happened and they tell me I have to be strong I am sick of them all,and I also could just use some comfort.

Jscmom my heart is with you why cant people just support us I think it would make it alot easier for us how people are acting towards us just makes this pain more difficult.

Briansdad I also have me me feelings I never use to be like this and it bothers me too that i cant seem to shake it.

To those of you whose mind is shut down I totally understand I can not concentrate. I also cant take care of anyone else as I can barely look after myself.

Yesterday I arrived to work and when i walked in, there was all these people waiting in the hall way and I just lost it I felt like I was going to snap at any moment as I work in a hospital I headed straight for the emergency room and they sent me home. The doctor told me I was having a melt down to go home take as much time as i needed, get some exercise, try to get in touch with the spiritual side,and lay the law down to my 16 year old son that is also giving me alot of greif. He told me to deal with my problems and then come back to work and keep going he also said that this might happen again and I just have to keep doing the same thing. Well we will see if this works. This doctor has also been threw the same thing as he lost his 19 year old daughter in a car accident 10 years ago so he knows what I am going threw I am so lucky to have him as he has the knowledge and the understanding. I didnt even need to talk he did the talking and could tell me exactly what I am going threw.

My prayers and thoughts are with all of you

Richards Mom Oct 9,1985-Feb 23,2005

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I hope you do not mind my writing this in several areas of your forum but I read a book recently called "Song Of Cy: Understanding Grief" and it has helped me to cope with the loss of my beautiful grand daughter Amelia.

I am a member of Whiskey Creek Press publishers, and avidly read thier romances.

However at the beginning of October I noticed a book that was non-fiction that dealt with grief. Though I have read other books dealing with grief, this one touched me personally as well as to give me guidelines and helped me to understand so much of what is going on inside of myself as well as my family.

The authors name is Katlyn Stewart. She has done an amazing job in hitting the nail on the head in helping parents,grandparents and even friends understand what happens when we grieve,

I highly recommend it and will post this in several areas in the hope that it will help just one person like it did me.

Also on the Whiskey Creek page was her web addresss- http://katlynstewart.com. If you have a chance, read this book.

Thank you,

Lilly

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Rhonda68,

Please listen to your doctor. I did and it helped. Melt downs, I still have them. I did quit working as my type of work required a lot of my attention and was very demanding 24/7. I know this has helped me some. I may go back to work later as for now I still have so much raw pain and sadness it is better I try to heal, deal, cope, and quit asking why.

Take care

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alwaysmyjennifer

Rhonda68, I'm happy to hear you were able to meet that doctor. You have an ally in your journey. Take all the time you need, and they'll understand. We're all here for you.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Jscmom, as you heal, the question of why becomes less of a necessity to you. You'll see this as you get to the acceptance stage of grief. Until then, I think you're wise to take the time from work to heal. I think if our society allowed parents even two or three months of leave for grief, we'd all be able to re-enter our jobs without as much pain hanging over us. We allow new moms time off, so why not?

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