Loss of an Adult Child

[mikesmum]

Diane ~ No they don't and won't get how you feel. Their grief journey is very different. Somewhere we lost our kids, our future in someways. I'm sorry but I did giggle at your words...my daughter practically ripped me a new asshole I guess they don't know what to do with the 'mum' they have been left with.

Dee ~ Love the pics. One handsome groom with a classically beautiful bride. I remember flying to Hawaii after our MN meeting. I too hope they enjoy the relaxing feel of the island and all it has to offer. As for the deep tissue, ouch ouch ouch and that's just tomorrow.

Lorri ~ You gotta be kidding. The "oh no you didn't just say that" gets another entry. Too emotionally connected, raising money in the name of Kourtney...never thought that was something bad. I'm with you - if you don't like it DELETE DELETE DELETE

Spent today with grade 3/4 at Wanding Yallock primary. They are making scarecrows for the "Open Gardens" in the hills. Zak's grade designed a Bee Scarecrow. It was a long day making this beautiful Bee from garbage bags, woven black tape, grandma's tights and other bits we found. Stuffed with straw our Bumblebeezz is finally ready for display...

[Guest msnher]

I can be a little slow....I woke this morning connecting the dots between Kate's notice of new members (something like 600,000) and the person that tried to spam Lynn. Is there any way to find out if this site has been compromised?

[ericasmom]

HI All,

slept and dreamed like crazy. My ribs are a bit sore as is my left shoulder, but so much reduced to yesterday.

Trudi, I love the bee and that fact that the bee has your black tights makes it that much more special. Oh how lucky those kids are. Yes, I hope that my Kids get that sense of lovliness in Hawaii as you did.

Walked in the dawning light this morn, it was gorgeous adn quiet and colored by fall. Gotta go to work now.

[Guest msnher]

I don't know where to look to find how many people browse this site.

Carol, you and Ralph must be headed home about now? I bet you're anxious to sleep in your own bed.

Betty, think of you often!

Dee, somehow I was under the impression you got to take yesterday and today off work. I hope you'll post a picture of you and Jon, too.

Either an owl or a dove woke me up this morning. I'm choosing to believe it was a dove. I'm already paranoid, I don't need to add to it...

[hotrod]

Hi Indigos

Miss posting and you all!!! You are always in my thoughts and heart. Just wanted to check in and say" I am still here in spirit I do come to the site often, am unable to touch the pain of the loss of Stephen, it has gone too deep so I join you in mind and spirit" I am able to connect with each of you in spirit and feel as if I support my Indigo family in my prayers and thoughts.

Dee loved the pictures of the Wedding and the album you posted in the gallery

Trudi the Scarecrow is so very sweet and precious and the faces of the children so very priceless Thanks for touching my heart

Claudia Loved seeing Joey's handsome face I too have taken a break

Leah In my prayers

Susannah my friend love your thoughts and spirit

Sherry Hope your canning and outside critters are doing well! I am still watching my Eagle nest This new one is in our friend Trudi's home. Most times when I visit it is night time there and the eaglet is fast asleep I enjoy it anyway.

Carol, Sonya, Rhonda, Kathy, Lynn, Karen, Sharen , Lorrie and all Indigos this is a difficult journey that we are sharing and being gentle with yourselves is so very important.. I my thoughts every day.

[lostwoher]

Susannah, you are by no means slowwwww. I have hopefully changed my password on all the sites. I may start using a different email on the most important ones. It is so ridiculous how some people can need so much attention that they stoop to such low levels.

Going to be a rainy day so I will be keeping my laptop close at hand. Alot of homework to get done before my compounding class starts next week

Have a blessed day everybody!

[echofc]

It's a beautiful day today and since there is no school I have no work (I drive a school bus). I have a car that needs cleaning, inside and out and branches to pile up from last weeks storm. I feel so bad for those people just getting their power back after a week.

Susan: You asked about my daughter Stacy. Stacy was the love of my life. She was diagnosed with at 15 months with a malignant kidney tumor, but was born with just one kidney. That began her life of dialysis, surgeries, kidney transplants. God bless her, she went through so much. She had over the years three transplants. When she had the last one, we were thrilled because it was a perfect match from her sister and we expected a long happy life. Then in April she was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer......caused by the many years of using medication to prevent kidney rejection. She became very ill and passed away July 9th. She was the bravest person I have ever known. Even though her health had impacted her life from a babyhood until she passed at 31, she excepted it and never complained. She always cared about others and had many, many friends. She was a waitress and so loved her customers came to her funeral. Whenever she was hospitalized I stayed with her and we were incredibly close. I thank God for every moment I had with her. I don't know how to move on now. I have a husband, son and daughter but they don't really need me. People helped out when she was sick, but now their lives go on as normal and I don't see them much. I am very lonely and know I have to reinvent myself.

[mysonrich]

Dee, great photo's. When I look at the photo of Jon in profile I see a bit of Erica shinning out.

Beth, I'm glad that I could brighten Elisha's day. I'll have to buy postcard stamps and send a couple more. Do they still sell postcard stamps?

Lynn, good to Kayla and you today.

Stacy doesn't like lobster doe she?!

I enjoyed my night out Saturday at the Elks benefit. Good friends, good music, good food,dancing and a drink. Actually 2.

Things went well and when i left I drove by a 7/11 that me and my kids used to frequent often. Rich learned how to use my ATM card there with a PIN. The ache in my heart was back and I have to wonder if the highs in life will always been immediately followed by the crushing low?

Indigo's, hoping that we can all take comfort in this day. Here's what mine looks like. One day at a time.

[ericasmom]

Thanks Betty, glad that you like the photos and yes, plenty of similar traits in Jon as in Eri.

I am beat being back in school...wow, could take a nap.

dee

[Susie_q512]

It's a beautiful day today and since there is no school I have no work (I drive a school bus). I have a car that needs cleaning, inside and out and branches to pile up from last weeks storm. I feel so bad for those people just getting their power back after a week.

Susan: You asked about my daughter Stacy. Stacy was the love of my life. She was diagnosed with at 15 months with a malignant kidney tumor, but was born with just one kidney. That began her life of dialysis, surgeries, kidney transplants. God bless her, she went through so much. She had over the years three transplants. When she had the last one, we were thrilled because it was a perfect match from her sister and we expected a long happy life. Then in April she was diagnosed with stage 4 liver cancer......caused by the many years of using medication to prevent kidney rejection. She became very ill and passed away July 9th. She was the bravest person I have ever known. Even though her health had impacted her life from a babyhood until she passed at 31, she excepted it and never complained. She always cared about others and had many, many friends. She was a waitress and so loved her customers came to her funeral. Whenever she was hospitalized I stayed with her and we were incredibly close. I thank God for every moment I had with her. I don't know how to move on now. I have a husband, son and daughter but they don't really need me. People helped out when she was sick, but now their lives go on as normal and I don't see them much. I am very lonely and know I have to reinvent myself.

Thank you for sharing about your beautiful daughter. I will never understand why children have to go through so much. Watching what cancer has done to my husband causes me to question even more how children can face such a disease and still maintain their positive outlook on life. I am so sorry for the loss of Stacy and the years of treatment that she endured. Illness like this is so very devastating and cruel. It takes great strength of character and bravery to fight against becoming angry or bitter. Sounds like Stacy was an angel while here with you. No doubt her spirit continues to love and watch over those she loved in this life. There is a deep loneliness that sets in when we lose a child. Loneliness, sadness, longing....these are part of who we are now. Today marks 7 weeks since the accident that claimed my daughter's life and turned my world upside down. I am early on in this journey, but have realized that I am forever changed. Think I may have known that from the moment I sensed that she was gone. Thinking these new attributes will be a constant companion. The pain is so deep and seems to have a life and mind of it's own. I am still waiting for the shock to peel away. Understanding that reality will find me, in all it's completeness and truth and unspeakable pain. I wait with baited breath not knowing when it will arrive and hoping that when I fall someone will be around to take over my responsibilities. I do worry about who will care for my husband and my other daughter....who will care for my animals, the house, my job. I figure I may not even care about anything at that point in time. Seven weeks. Just a short bleep in time, but to me it has been an eternity without my Shannon. Looking into my future and the vastness of it makes me cringe. How many moments lie ahead of me? Each filled with that loneliness, sadness, longing and heartache.

[Susie_q512]

I have been reading everyone's posts, but haven't responded to many. Please know that each of you and your angels are never far from my heart and thoughts. I have looked at the pictures recently posted. They are beautiful. So glad that each of you has had a spot of joy along this path. Today is not good. No energy. No desire to do anything. But still work calls....so gotta get my butt in gear and go to work. Only working for 3 hours today, but guessing they will be long hours.

Much love to all

[mikesmomrs]

Hello everyone ...Ralph and I went are headed out for home today. We had wonderful visits with everyone and great weather abt 90%the of the time we've been gone. We had a beautiful EIGHT days at the hotel at Virginia beach where our room looked out on to the ocean...we were right on the beach...a first ever for us and the weather was gorgeous, only rained one day. We had a wonderful time with Kim and the girls, with all three staying with is for3 days. We tried desperately to keep focused on our trip and hold at bay thoughts of dealing with Davis until we get home, but I must say, he hasn't made it easy.

STACY'S MOM: I am so very sorry for all that ur precious Stacy had to go through all of her life, but I am so glad that you both were so close, though it does make the leaving tough, though I (and all here) are so very glad we had our child for the time we did. My son Mike also died of cancer at 31, though he wasn't diagnosed til he was 29. My heart holds you close.

SUSAN : I too am so very sorry that you are going through so much with your husband and understand what you mean abt who will care for him and your daughter when/if you "crash."

BETTY: so very glad to see your post....I know that you have all of us in your prayers and thoughts always, but it is always great to hear from you.

BETSY: thank you for the picture ...so very pretty...much like what we r seeing now on our way home, though I expect that as we get further north, we wont see as much color. As for your poignant question, I am afraid that we will always have that sense of the bitter with the sweet, but fortunately some of the "bitter" does get less intense over time. I think, however, that we will always carry those memories and mentally, sometimes unconsciously, compare.

TRUDI: LOVED the pic of the kids with the "scarebee." So cute, and as DEE said, made more special knowing grandma's tights r part of his construction!

DEE: so sorry to hear abt your aching and hope the deep tissue massage has helped. I've never had one but don't think my "fibromyalgia points" could handle it. Speaking of which, I've been experiencing what I think might be a fibro flare these last few days.

.haven't had one in quite some time for which I am so very glad, but this one is a doozy! Spasms that start at my knee and work their way down to my ankle and make it so very painful. Likely will have to go on steroids again, which I truly hate to do, as the side effects can be frightening.

DIANE:Sending good thoughts and prayers to you that your daughter will soon realize as well as accept that you are not the same person and never will be. Of course, as others have said she is likely experiencing a whole bunch of feelings and doesn't know how to deal with them. Hopefully, eventually this may bring about a new level of understanding for herthe of your pain

SUS: s.o sorry abt your disturbing dream. I hope you have a nice peaceful sleep tonite.

To all of my wonderful indigo family...I am so thankful for all of you! Please forgive any weird spell check changes...this @#%!*$ phone has a mind of its own!

[shorty16]

Susan, Shannon's Mom

I just want to tell you what an elequent writer you are. And yes, the shock will wear off and we will be here to hold you up. Even though each of us is different, In my humble opinion, you will be able to still love your family and your pets. From what I have read, you do not seem like the person who will give up on life (even though you may want to at times).

I can remember, for months, I did not clean my house - Who cares? - Brian is dead!, what does a clean house matter? That did go on for quite a while, but as time when on, I became stronger and more able to deal with my grief. In the beginning, the grief dealt with me. It did what it wanted to me - I was powerless. But I have gained strength and am now able to control most of my "woe is me" moments.

The holidays throw a wrench into the whole idea of control, because our loss is pushed right into our faces. When your shock wears off and you just do not want to deal with life anymore, that is where we come in. That is where you come here and tell us how you feel and we will respond "I know how you feel and I am here to listen."

I do so enjoy reading your posts - have you ever considered becoming a writer?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[shorty16]

Carol and Ralph

I am so glad you loved you trip and had such a wonderful beach-side room. You all deserve it.

I must also say that your posts from the phone have been very interesting. We must desypher (sp) some workds, but that has made it so fun to read. - We know what you mean.

Thank you for sharing your trip with us.

Colleen

[shorty16]

Dee

I am wondering what stategies you used for John and Shannon's wedding so you did not cry all day for the loss of Eri?

Like Betsy said "I wonder if every high point in our lives will be followed by a crushing low?"

Do you have wise words for us? Did you find yourself needing to be alone sometime during the day (very hard when you are the mother of the groom.)

In 2010, Scott and I drove to your place and took part in Eri-fest. It hurt our hearts to be surrounded by Eri's friends knowing she was not and would never be there. You, however, seemed to enjoy your time with them. HOW DO YOU DO IT?

I realize you are 8 years into this loss - Is that what it takes is time?

I hope I am not asking to many invasive questions, but really would like to know how you did it.

Thanks

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Susie_q512]

Susan, Shannon's Mom

I just want to tell you what an elequent writer you are. And yes, the shock will wear off and we will be here to hold you up. Even though each of us is different, In my humble opinion, you will be able to still love your family and your pets. From what I have read, you do not seem like the person who will give up on life (even though you may want to at times).

I can remember, for months, I did not clean my house - Who cares? - Brian is dead!, what does a clean house matter? That did go on for quite a while, but as time when on, I became stronger and more able to deal with my grief. In the beginning, the grief dealt with me. It did what it wanted to me - I was powerless. But I have gained strength and am now able to control most of my "woe is me" moments.

The holidays throw a wrench into the whole idea of control, because our loss is pushed right into our faces. When your shock wears off and you just do not want to deal with life anymore, that is where we come in. That is where you come here and tell us how you feel and we will respond "I know how you feel and I am here to listen."

I do so enjoy reading your posts - have you ever considered becoming a writer?

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Thank you, Colleen. I like your wording, "grief dealt with me". Pretty sure that is exactly what will happen when it arrives in full force. Don't think I'll be doing too much "dealing' with anything. Guess it will just have to have it's evil way with me....but I do dread it. Thank you for complimenting my writing. And yes,at times I have considered writing....I am sure I could get started, but I often have a hard time finishing things; Always seem I am pulled in many directions. Maybe one day. I have considered a journal of some sort. It may help me see where I started and where I am at on this journey. Maybe I will one day be able to look back and see progress? Thanks again.

[nicksdad]

[lolynbo]

SO NEXT WEEK THE 15TH WILL BE 4 YRS SINCE IVE HEARD KOURTNEYS LAUGH, CRY, VOICE, SNEEZE....I MISS MY GIRL SO MUCH...IT JUST KNOCKS ME OVER AND TAKES MY BREATH AWAY....

[summergirl]

Beautiful Dan - Beautiful

Dee - grainy or not they are absolutely wonderful, beautiful !!

Had the day off today as it is election day so I spent most of the day outside working in the yard and my body is reminding me of it now...but it was almost 70 and sunny so well worth the aches....My Jessica would love today, she loved summer but also loved the change of seasons....I remember one night Barry and I had been out for whatever reason and when we got home it was snowing heavy so I went upstairs and woke Jessica for a snowball fight at about midnight....she didn't get mad at me for waking her she just laughed at me and called me crazy momma and outside we went, had so much fun....I miss those days so much....Jessica loved life and was always so happy....I miss you baby

We had homemade Chicken Noodle soup for dinner tonight which was super and the best part about it was Tavian made most of it, I took some pics I will share of my Chef Tavian....love that boy and blessed with every moment I have with him. He loves to cook so we let him help us as much as he wants....

I am thinking of all of you as always, I read but do not always post....much on my mind these days. Strength, love and prayers, Kathy

[ericasmom]

Happy soup day KAthy, and homemade by the hands of a young chef. Thanks for the photos.

Col, someone asked me at the wedding how does one deal with so horrid a tragedy adn still find joy...I have been lucky as far as that is concerned adn no, never mind asking many questions, i do believe that if we ask and find out more, we benefit greatly. I know that I found my heart shattered too, and I found my shock to be that thick coat that protected me and when it fell away I was lost all over again, but even in the lost parts of grief, there were beautiful things to note. The silence in woods, the cycle of the seasons mimicking the cycle of our children's short lives...so much to note and realize, those kinds of nature connections to Eri's life, to our lives helped me. My beliefs help me, that we will see our Kids again, helps me greatly. That we are here for a reason speaks to my soul each day, that we stand where our Children no longer can is my drive on those days when I have little. I do so enjoy time with the friends of Eri and Jon, they are the hope in this world and they carry Erica with them in their young hearts. And so early on in grief I know I was able to still see the beauty through the tears, the life going on all around me and my appreciating that kind of feeling. Life was going on even if I did not have my Girl, somehow that was my que to also go on...knowing that Erica would kick my butt if I could not.

I did need alone time after the wedding the next day, needed to talk with ERi at length and the morning of the wedding, same thing, long walk and talk with ERica. so for some, it takes time, for others no amount of time will help, and for me, the more I could enjoy the surroundings, the more I could find my purpose in each day.

Going to bed now.

love to all

[Susie_q512]

SO NEXT WEEK THE 15TH WILL BE 4 YRS SINCE IVE HEARD KOURTNEYS LAUGH, CRY, VOICE, SNEEZE....I MISS MY GIRL SO MUCH...IT JUST KNOCKS ME OVER AND TAKES MY BREATH AWAY....

Lorri - Not a day goes by that I do not think of you. Knowing that these next months will be very difficult and painful for you. The circumstances of Shannon's passing are different, but I do remember the "last" of everything. No doubt that as the years come and go, the time leading up to the accident will be remember as those "last" things: laughter, heart to heart talk, last meal we made together, last cupcakes, last movie, last evening or weekend or week, last few hours before the accident, last hugs and kisses and goodbye. Certain days and periods of time will always be remembered and always be difficult and painful. I count time too. Thinking I always will. These things are burned into our minds and carved into our hearts. Don't know what else to say other than I do think of you daily and hold you close to my heart.

[Susie_q512]

Nick's Dad (Dan?) - Love seeing your work here. Really beautiful and incredible what you do.

Dee - Great insight into your journey and your coping strategies. Hoping I don't lose sight of the wonders and beauty of life during this journey.

Susannah - Hoping you are beating the cold and allergies and found a way to reduce the allergic reaction to Peanut.

Carol - So happy for you and Ralph that y'all had a wonderful trip. No lie, I was a little envious when thinking of the hotel room over looking the water. Wouldn't mind a get away alone with a view like that.

Leah - Thinking about you and wondering how you are doing?

There are others that I wanted to address, but my mind is failing me at the moment. I'll try to finish posting tomorrow. Today has been long and difficult. Starting to shed tears more often. Starting to feel that tightening in my chest, the loss of my breath, the urge to scream. Beginning to wonder if one of those layers is slowly peeling away?

Wishing all a peaceful night. Maybe some of us will get some sleep.

Oh yeah, great pics of Tavian. Reminded me of Shannon. She loved to help out in the kitchen. She was our little chef

[Susie_q512]

Ok - I screwed something up and don't know how to fix it. I am technologically challenged, AND I should have attempted this before I took Xanax. Added a pic to my signature and it is H.U.G.E - HUGE !!! So, all of you folks get a very BIG dose of Shannon until I can figure out how to fix it

Any advice and help will be accepted and appreciated.....I'm really embarrassed

And believe you me, Shannon is laughing her a** off at me right now....no doubt has gathered all angels around her and has shown them what I've managed to do....Oh yeah, I'm sure I will be the butt of all the jokes for awhile.

The gallery pics are no where near this big, and that's where I got the pic from, so how the heck did I manage to do this???

[mikesmum]

Susan, have no idea how to rectify the picture size added to your signature, but believe me when I tell you seeing that beaming smile from that beautiful child isn't a problem.

Colleen, I'm with Dee. Its been almost 5yrs since Mike left. With each family event, like an engagement or wedding the strength holds just long enough. Then there is a need for 'alone time'. It didn't always work that way...but now for some reason, maybe the time at the bay, I find I can be present in the moment for my family as long as I have that respite to just be.

Betty, Betsy, Lynn....love seeing you Stephen, Rich & Kayla.

Carol, So glad you and Ralph have been able to enjoy your 'road trip'. Memories being made with each minute of each day. I know you have a storm cloud hanging over you as you return. Hoping you are able to weather it out without it taking too much away from your trip.

There have been severe thunderstorms here and we are about to have another. Sir MD does laps of my room jumping up and over the bed. I give up and sit up with him till the storm passes, we both need the hugs..

As for the BumbleBee Scarecrow, there was a question about the pantihose...'have you worn these?' A collective sigh of relief once I confirmed that my legs haven't seen daylight for many years so no I hadn't worn them....

[ericasmom]

I know why Shannon came through so Large..Her smile is an inspiration, those eyes clear and seeing, she came through so that we cold see Susan, the beautiful Girl you miss so deeply. I sure am glad to have seen Shannon this cloudy rainy morning, she added the sunshine.

[hoosiermom]

Susan---your girl is beautiful, love the pic

[Guest msnher]

What a wonderful pick me up I find here this morning....Shannon's wonderful, beautiful face! No need to apologize, Susan, you'll get the kinks worked out. Until then we get the warm fuzzy effect of looking at your lovely daughter! I needed that this morning, thank you!

I haven't had my coffee, yet, and will finish reading later....

[lolynbo]

SUCH A SWEET FACE OF INNOCENCE AND LOVE...LOVE THE SHANNON PIC...THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS...I TRY NOT BE BE A COUNTER BUT I CANT HELP IT..MY LIFE FLASHES BACK TO WHAT WAS/ THINGS TO COME/ AND WHAT IFS...AND IF ONLYS......IT SEEMS AS IF NOV 4 AND ON, ITS LIKE A ANNIVERSERY (LIKE SOMEONE WLD REMEMBER THE WEDDING DAY OR BIRTH OF A CHILD) I CAN REMEMBER SO MANY THINGS TIL KOURTNEY PASSED JUNE 17, 2008 7MONTHS AND 2 DAYS LATER..

GOT SEVERAL CHKS IN FOR THE WEAR GREY IN MAY TS AND BRACELETS...I JUST WANT TO DO WHAT I CAN FOR THE OKLAHOMA BRAIN TUMOR FOUNDATION SO THE NEXT FAMILY LIKE US WILL NOT HAVE TO SLEEP IN THE FLOOR OR WONDER WHERE THEY WILL SHOWER...OR MOSTLY WHERE AND WHAT THE OPTIONS ARE FOR THEIR CHILD...

THIS IS THE LAST KNOWN PIC OF KOURTNEY LYNN...HAVING LUNCH WITH HALIE AT LUIGIS HER FAV ITALIAN PLACE...THAT KODY NOW LOVES

[mikesmomrs]

A beautiful sunny day...started out with fog so thick that the local schools here in Delaware had a two hour delay...and we r on that last stretch to the homefront. Driving through beautiful last of the season foliage in southern NJ right now. Thinking of you betsy as we skirt PA and you, also, kathy and betty as we work our way north towards new York. Temperature is flirting with 60 degrees now and likely will make it as it is only 10:am. Traveled this road with Mike many times, back and forth to Kim's over the years...he spent a few summer vacations with her in VA. Memories...sometimes they hurt, especially at first, but eventually we find to be paramount in our healing process. I remember so well coming home one year after picking mike up at kim's, we took a wrong turn and were closer to Ny city than ever before on this trip and we saw the statue of liberty off in the distance. Mike was asleep in the back and we then saw the sign for the turnoff to the statue of liberty and ellis island. We decided at the last minute to take that exit and surprise mike. He woke up just as we rounded the bend to the entrance. When we told where we were and what we were doing, he didn't believe us. When he realized we were truly going there, he was SO excited. (He was 18, at the time, but from his reaction you wld hve thought he was 10. I hve a wonderful picture of him sitting beside his dad on the ferry to ellis island. He was almost giddy with excitement. We got there too late for him to go up into the full statue, but we went inside the base. Then to ellis island. I got goosebumps walking through that building...they had many of the "processing" rooms still as they were so many years ago and i wondered which ones perhaps held my grandparents, coming in from ireland and england so many years ago, hoping for a new and better life. Our ancestors paved the way for us. Wow...I just realized for the very first time in my life of 66 years that my brothers and sisters and I are all first-generation Americans! (Our mom and dad came from newfoundland an canada.) That is so awesome! I digress...but then, when don't I? :--)

Well, we r getting into some traffic now, so best I put both hands on the wheel and end this text ..(no, I'm not driving, Ralph is..tee hee, but he needs my help) :--0

By the way, I meant to say earlier, DEE, your post was, as usual, beautifully written and touched all of us.

As usual, I deny any association with any of the auto spell checks this phone has made to this post...I guess I'd better be careful when I get home and back to my pc...I won't be able to,"blame the machine" any longer! :--0

[mikesmomrs]

Susan...will have to wait til I sign on at my pc at home to see the.pic of ur beautiful Shannon, for some weird reason, I can't see it on this cell.

LORRI: so very sorry these days bring back all those "this is the day when" memories that hurt so much and remind us so painfully of what we lost and what our child faced those last days/weeks/months of their too short lives. Or those here whose child died suddenly, remembering all those "lasts" as well. Holding all of our indigo family close in my heart and in my daily, ongoing prayers.

[Jeff's Mom]

SUCH A SWEET FACE OF INNOCENCE AND LOVE...LOVE THE SHANNON PIC...THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS...I TRY NOT BE BE A COUNTER BUT I CANT HELP IT..MY LIFE FLASHES BACK TO WHAT WAS/ THINGS TO COME/ AND WHAT IFS...AND IF ONLYS......IT SEEMS AS IF NOV 4 AND ON, ITS LIKE A ANNIVERSERY (LIKE SOMEONE WLD REMEMBER THE WEDDING DAY OR BIRTH OF A CHILD) I CAN REMEMBER SO MANY THINGS TIL KOURTNEY PASSED JUNE 17, 2008 7MONTHS AND 2 DAYS LATER..

GOT SEVERAL CHKS IN FOR THE WEAR GREY IN MAY TS AND BRACELETS...I JUST WANT TO DO WHAT I CAN FOR THE OKLAHOMA BRAIN TUMOR FOUNDATION SO THE NEXT FAMILY LIKE US WILL NOT HAVE TO SLEEP IN THE FLOOR OR WONDER WHERE THEY WILL SHOWER...OR MOSTLY WHERE AND WHAT THE OPTIONS ARE FOR THEIR CHILD...

THIS IS THE LAST KNOWN PIC OF KOURTNEY LYNN...HAVING LUNCH WITH HALIE AT LUIGIS HER FAV ITALIAN PLACE...THAT KODY NOW LOVES

Kourtney has such a lovely smile. That's one you should have framed. Thanks for sharing.

[Jeff's Mom]

Ok - I screwed something up and don't know how to fix it. I am technologically challenged, AND I should have attempted this before I took Xanax. Added a pic to my signature and it is H.U.G.E - HUGE !!! So, all of you folks get a very BIG dose of Shannon until I can figure out how to fix it

Any advice and help will be accepted and appreciated.....I'm really embarrassed

And believe you me, Shannon is laughing her a** off at me right now....no doubt has gathered all angels around her and has shown them what I've managed to do....Oh yeah, I'm sure I will be the butt of all the jokes for awhile.

The gallery pics are no where near this big, and that's where I got the pic from, so how the heck did I manage to do this???

Susan...her smile is contagious. I sure smiled when I saw her! She's so cute!

[Guest msnher]

Carol, from your phone or your home computer, I love the way you write! I can see in my mind's eye Mike's reaction when he learned he was going to Ellis island! Safe journey for you and Ralph!

Lorri, I just want to say that I'm grateful you share your grief so openly on here and fb. You're further along on this journey than me and you show me there is no time limit to this ugly (albeit beautiful) journey. Somehow, you have found a way to live AND grieve. It's not one or the other. You experience life and honor your sorrow, too. Many others on this site can do that as well...I'm not saying you're the only one...but, you express it in terms I understand. When you say cancer can kiss your a$$, I get it. When you say this marks the last time you heard your girls voice, I get it....and then in the next sentence you're expressing how proud you are of Kody or Kimmy. I don't have the energy or motivation you (or many others) have on this site...not yet. I used to...but, lately I take great joy in doing nothing. I'm good at it.

Anyway...that's my way of saying to keep being yourself and sharing the way you share. It helps me take that next step, completely free to be who I am.

[Susie_q512]

Trying not to post much since Shannon's picture takes up most of a page, but I did want to thank each of you for the wonderful comments about my daughter. I'm her mom, so I'm partial, but I do think she is beautiful and her spirit shines in this photo. She would prefer that the picture be one in which she was wearing make-up and had her hair fixed, but his is the girl she was on most days....this is how I remember her most often. I was worried folks might think I was turning the forum into a shrine for her...it really was an honest mistake. Finally found where/how to message the admin for help in solving this problem. Hope they have the answer.

Lorri - Beautiful picture of your girl. Her smile is incredible. I agree that it should be in a frame. What a treasure! Really happy that you shared it with us.

Today is a little better than yesterday. Have an appt with a counselor at noon. Then (hopefully) I will get some things accomplished and organized around the house. With 7 dogs ranging from 12 to 153 pounds, there's always something to clean up. Washing all the bedding and sweeping and mopping the garage takes quite some time. Shannon's old dalmatian, Shadow, is still hanging on, but he has lost control of his bladder and bowels, so his care takes much effort and time. Sure she will be there waiting for him when it's time for him to transition from this life into the next. Her puppy, Lexi, is growing like a weed. She and my Great Pyrenees, Yogi, are best buddies. He's my gentle giant...unless he doesn't know you. Then he becomes my fierce protector.

[Guest msnher]

Susan, this site IS a shrine to all our children. Don't you worry about taking up a whole page with the beautiful picture of your angel. I think her face was supposed to shine through for each of us today. One can't help but feel better just looking at her joy. I bet all our kids helped orchestrate your "error". Post as often as you want, we know how to turn the page back to read. Good luck with all your projects today!

[shorty16]

Susan

You have a Great Pyrenees? I grew up with one of those wonderfully fuzzy dogs. His name was Dannon, as in Dannon yogurt. He was a wonderful, albeit hairy dog. He loved the winters outside. I do realize they are very large dogs, but what a personality they have. I miss our Dannon.

Your daughter is so beautiful. Please do not worry about taking up too much room on this site. Just looking at her face holding that precious dog is all we need today to make us smile.

To all

I have a friend at work who lost his wife approx 1.5 years ago. He has met another woman and is so happy now. That, however, does not work for us. We cannot meet another child and have everything be wonderful again. I am envious of him being able to move on from his loss. That will not work with us. I feel stuck today. Heavy with sadness.

Dee and Trudi - Thanks for answering my question. Happiness is different now. It is much more fleeting than before.

I am just a downer today - sorry about that, but just wanted to say Hello.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Chads Mom]

I had a friend send this to me today (she lost her son 2 years ago) and it hit me that it’s like it was written for all of us here so I thought I would share it with all of you. I apologize that it has left the wonderful fathers on BI’s board out because you are just as dearly thought of as the mothers. Also a thank you to whoever wrote it as my friend didn’t put the authors name to it.

Angel Moms

We have shared our tears and our sorrow,

We have given encouragement to each other,

Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,

We share the title of grieving mother.

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,

Who we watched grow over the years,

Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,

But no matter the age, we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,

The bond we share is very strong,

With each other there is no need to explain,

The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,

They didn't want us on this journey alone,

They knew we needed each other,

To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,

We may stumble and fall along the way,

But we'll get up and try again,

Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,

We'll create a place where we belong,

Together we will find ways to cope,

Because we are Angel Moms and together we are strong!

Thinking of you all and wishing you a peaceful day Indigo’s

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[Jeff's Mom]

I had a friend send this to me today (she lost her son 2 years ago) and it hit me that it’s like it was written for all of us here so I thought I would share it with all of you. I apologize that it has left the wonderful fathers on BI’s board out because you are just as dearly thought of as the mothers. Also a thank you to whoever wrote it as my friend didn’t put the authors name to it.

Angel Moms

We have shared our tears and our sorrow,

We have given encouragement to each other,

Given hope for a brighter tomorrow,

We share the title of grieving mother.

Some of us lost older daughters or sons,

Who we watched grow over the years,

Some have lost their babies before their lives begun,

But no matter the age, we cry the same tears.

We understand each others pain,

The bond we share is very strong,

With each other there is no need to explain,

The path we walk is hard and long.

Our children brought us together,

They didn't want us on this journey alone,

They knew we needed each other,

To survive the pain of them being gone.

So take my hand my friend,

We may stumble and fall along the way,

But we'll get up and try again,

Because together we can make it day by day.

We can give each other hope,

We'll create a place where we belong,

Together we will find ways to cope,

Because we are Angel Moms and together we are strong!

Thinking of you all and wishing you a peaceful day Indigo’s

Polly--Chad’s Mom

Thanks Polly, beautifully worded and so true!

[Jeff's Mom]

Susan

You have a Great Pyrenees? I grew up with one of those wonderfully fuzzy dogs. His name was Dannon, as in Dannon yogurt. He was a wonderful, albeit hairy dog. He loved the winters outside. I do realize they are very large dogs, but what a personality they have. I miss our Dannon.

Your daughter is so beautiful. Please do not worry about taking up too much room on this site. Just looking at her face holding that precious dog is all we need today to make us smile.

To all

I have a friend at work who lost his wife approx 1.5 years ago. He has met another woman and is so happy now. That, however, does not work for us. We cannot meet another child and have everything be wonderful again. I am envious of him being able to move on from his loss. That will not work with us. I feel stuck today. Heavy with sadness.

Dee and Trudi - Thanks for answering my question. Happiness is different now. It is much more fleeting than before.

I am just a downer today - sorry about that, but just wanted to say Hello.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Hi Colleen, I see today is a down day for you.(HUGS) Yesterday it was me. True that we can't replace our kids, but aren't we lucky we had them even for the time we did. I would not give that up for anything even though I suffer this pain today. And thank heaven we have this site. Speaking of which...who started it up? Kudos to them! They threw us a lifeline. Wish I could say something to help you feel better today. I'm thinking of you.

Kate

[ericasmom]

Col, the heavy of today could have to do with the weather changing, the darkness earlier in the day, the upcoming holidays...so many things play into our moods and our ability to face the ays with any sense of hope. Maybe you need to plan something, a class to take or something like that to give you an outlet that allows for an alternate activity.

[Guest msnher]

Colleen, Big bear hugs to you, my friend! I pray your friend truly has found happiness once more. I know you don't begrudge his happiness. It's just another reality that Brian isn't coming back. That fact still catches me of guard now and then. Mostly it's made me very, very tired. I like Dee's suggestion of taking a class. Maybe I will look into that myself.

I can't imagine losing my husband. I don't know how I would function without him. No one would be able to fill his shoes if something happened to him.

[aim630]

Susan-I certainly don't mind seeing Shannon's beautiful smiling face when I log on! Post as much as you want.

Polly-Thanks for the poem, it seems like it was written especially for us.

Carol-Glad you had a good trip, and got to spend time with your daughter and grandkids.

Lorri-November 15th, 2009 was the last day I heard Ashley's voice, although I did get to see her smile after that. this is just so unfair! I do think you should have the picture of Kourtney framed.

Dee-The pictures of Jon and Shannon were beautiful. I liked how you explained being able to get through events such as this to the rest of us. My mom is getting remarried next month, and it will be hard without Ashley, although she didn't really like the man my mom is marrying (no one can replace her Granddad).

Katie has been missing Ashley quite a bit. she doesn't really say much, but Tweets about it (her Twitter account is public, but I don't think she knows I check it to see what she's been posting)

Jeff, my husband has been coughing a lot. They took a chest X-ray and found his lungs are enlarged. There are 4 main reasons this could happen, and none of them are good:asthma, emphysema, COPD, and lung cancer. He has never smoked a day in his life, and neither have I. I am so afraid of lung cancer, because my dad died of it, when he had only smoked 10 yrs of his life, and quit 35 yrs before being diagnosed. I know non-smoker's can get lung cancer. I am hoping it is asthma, which is the least scary of the options. Now we have to wait. When my dad was first diagnosed, the doctor didn't think it was cancer, of course he was wrong. Susan, I don't know how you do it...

Amy/Ashley's mom

[Guest msnher]

Amy, prayers for Jeff! It was good to see Ashley's face this evening. I'm sorry Katie is missing Ashley so much. Jennifer misses Stephanie terribly, too. She doesn't talk to me about it, either. Like you, I find out through other venues.

Polly, yes the poem speaks of us very well.

[ericasmom]

Polly the poem is great, thanks so much.

Amy, oh my, I will send many thoughts and hopes out to the world tonight as I bundle up to take a walk. Goodness knows we all want Jeff to be well. Hold tight Sister I know that you are afraid, hold on, and give Jeff an extra hug from me. Kate is gearing up for the anniversary it sounds like. Such a hard date for you all. Kate might also be feeling the grind with holidays coming and with grief, they are just so different. How is she enjoying school? I like that her two best friends that she has made are holders of her Sister's dates. Special stuff there.

So Susannah, what kind of class would you find interesting? There are so many that interest me right now, most of them in the arts and aside from the snow making travel harder in the winter, I find a class helps there to be a focus when I am most needing one.

Carol, soon you'll be home again- home again, jiggety jig. I too will hope and pray that Davis will find ways to gain strength and develop the tools he needs to stay away from that which makes his life difficult. Prayers, hope, and determination.

[summergirl]

Polly, thank you for sharing the poem, it truely does portray us here at BI (including the dad's)...beautiful

Susan - Oh my goodness, your Shannon is just simply beautiful and I do not mind at all that her beautiful face and those huge eyes shine out so large on the page....thank you so much, I for one love to see pics of our Angels and have posted quite a few over the years since I have been here. I had to laugh when you said "Shannon would rather have her pic shown with her make-up and hair done but that is how she was most of the time" - it reminded me so much of my Jessica as she too liked to have her make-up and hair done but most of the time she was just beautiful without anything at all....joggers, t-shirt, hair thrown up in a clip and she was good to go....Thank you and hope to see many more.

Scary time at work today....had just got back from post office and walked into my office and heard a very loud crash, knew right away it was a car accident and it was right in front of my building....we called 911 and outside I ran not knowing what I was going to do but determined to do something....it was one of the Seniors that comes to lunch each day, she is 81 and pulled out in front of a car.....the car t-boned her and she had to be cut from the car and air-lifted to Stony Brook hospital...... The woman who hit her was fine, a broken finger but mostly in shock...I sat with her as all others were busy with the elderly woman.....I just kept talking to her until her husband arrived and they went to the hospital. It was so very sad and I pray that this woman (sorry I cannot remember her name... ) makes it through ok. Hope to hear something tomorrow. It really brought me back to that "in a split second your whole life can change" and I was shakey all afternoon.....This is the reason we hold tight to those we love, tell them every day, hug them every day and enjoy every moment with them because we know not what tomorrow brings.

I am having a problem with the PM on BI......I have been trying to PM one of us and it keeps telling me "Array" "A problem has occured and your message has not been sent" aaaarrrggghhh !!! Guess I will have to get ahold of Eric and see if he can help me.

Tavian is very tired again tonight and almost ready for bed.....guess it is the change of season and the daylight fading so quickly, dark by 5 o'clock !! Really not a winter person...

Take care my friends and sweet peaceful dreams.....Kathy

My Jessica in the 10th grade !!! Miss you my girl...always and forever your momma

[briansdad]

Just got back from an angelversary for my neighbors son.It's been one year since he took his own life. 14 years old. Why?

We released sky lanterns. Very moving.

[Guest msnher]

Oh my, Kathy! I don't even know what to say. Sending light and love. I'm so tired of praying for people to be okay and then they're not. Or one is and the other one isn't. I just pray for strength and wisdom anymore. Peace. I pray for peace.

I was determined to make it all the way through the video, Greg. I couldn't. I did try. I'll save it and try again. Breaks my heart for your neighbors. I'm so glad they have you and your wife!

Dee, the practical class for me would be writing or some kind of literature class. So many things interest me. History, government/politics, religion, etc. My family would probably love it if I took a cooking class. Gary's cholesterol is high and we need to change our eating habits pronto. We got it down during the summer because we exercised together (walking and riding bikes as a family) and ate healthy. I'm not sure what happened but .... oh... I know what happened. School started, our routine changed and our time no longer fit around Gary's schedule. I digress, a cooking class would help, but it doesn't sound like fun to me. I want something fun. To me a history class would be fun. Learning about the different religions and their beginnings would be fun, too. Although I'm much too combative or opinionated in the area of religion and the class could end up being a source of frustration instead. I don't know, Dee. Definitely, maybe, history. Something that will make me think but not feel.

Well, I'm calling it a night Everyone. Glad you're home safe and sound, Carol! Hugs to you and Ralph. Karen, I think of you everyday! Leah, still sending prayers!

To everyone whose name I didn't write, and there are a lot of you whose name I didn't write, but know your name and your angel is etched in my heart always!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Jeff's Mom]

Just got back from an angelversary for my neighbors son.It's been one year since he took his own life. 14 years old. Why?

We released sky lanterns. Very moving.

Greg. the song was such a lovely tribute! Northern Lights, my friend. Look to the skies... you will be reunited again one day.

[ericasmom]

Greg, the song made me cry, so pretty and speaks to what I believe. I walked under what appears to be the full moon, which makes perfect sense when I think of the behavior of many kids in our school today...anyhow, pretty halo around the moon and I am made to believe that our Angels are looking at the same moon. We are all connected and while it isn't the same, it isn't like having our Babies here, it is what we have and it is precious. I am sending thoughts to you and your wife as you face the struggle of your neighbors and your own pain surrounding his death.

Kate, eyes on the skies, the heavens abound with lights. How are you today?

Kathy, hard to see and hear and assist in an accident but I am glad for the woman who sat in shock that you did stay with her and help her wait for her Husband. How hard.

The photo you posted is a classic of Jess, love it.

Susannah, I have taken and enjoyed many writing classes over the years. History sounds good too, and you will do a lot ofthinking but there is no class you can take that won't cause you to FEEL. It is fun to look forward to a class though, so maybe many of us will sign up for something for the winter.

[Susie_q512]

Watched the video with tears running down my cheeks. Absolutely beautiful. Makes me want to keep a candle burning 24/7 for Shannon....so she never forgets how much she means to me and how very much I will forever love her. I then listened to "My Immortal". Such sadness in my heart tonight. I have asked her to come give me a hug tonight and whisper in my ear, "I love you, Mommy." Really miss those tender moments.

Stunning picture of Jessica.

Goodnight everyone. I'm too tired to post anything else. Wishing all a peaceful night. May our angels visit us tonight.