Loss of an Adult Child

[westleysmom]

Greg-I'm so sorry about your friend.

Lorri-Love the T-shirt and hope that Kody finds something to occupy his time soon. Have a good time at the race.

Kathy-I so get the going along thinking we're doing a great job and then it changes forever. I don't know which of the mindsets to believe now, if I was ever doing that great of a job, you know? The guilt of feeling like I let him down, that I let him die is something that I still struggle with and I don't know if that will ever change. I hope so, but I don't know if it will.

Diane-I'm so sorry. Your words about not knowing what I'm supposed to do now sounded like my own. I always feel like there's something I'm forgetting, oh yeah, that's right, I forgot to tell my son never ever ever to mix drugs (even prescription, which I think was what he took) with any amount of alcohol. Or did I tell him that? There is something that I could have said that would have prevented this tragedy and I can't even remember if I said it or not. What kind of mother am I? Westley's death was ruled an accident, but I realize that he made choices that led to it. It wasn't as if he died from a car accident, or an illness or disease. He died because I didn't make sure that he knew the danger. I didn't make it clear to him that he was playing with his life and mine. How do we live with what we can't take back? Or worse, how do we live with what we didn't do?

Amy-I hope Katie is getting more comfortable at school and enjoying it a little. Westley went to college for approximately 3 weeks, that would be 3 years ago now. Hated it. I miss him so much. I didn't insist that he try college, but he wanted to try it and by the time I got him in, he had gotten cold feet. He never felt like he fit in, although he was smart and got good grades in high school. I wanted him to meet some pretty girl and want to keep going because she was, you know? I wanted him to find some new friends that had goals and ambitions and it didn't happen.

Colleen-I hope that things go well with Aaron getting his driver's license. Good luck with it.

Just feeling sad these past few weeks (years). This time of year is so beautiful and it hurts my heart that he isn't here. Homecoming at our church is Sunday and I have grown to detest these great big family fests. My whole family will never even be at my house together again, who cares who shows up for homecoming at church? I know who won't and that is all I can see. Debbie Downer here in the flesh.

[Jeff's Mom]

Has anybody had this happen to them? A sibling that constantly tells you how to cope and get on with it after the "Event?" "After all, it is coming up to almost two years you guys and you need to get OVER it!!!!! Well, last night it blew up in my face. No support whatsoever. Just calls telling me how busy they are and talk to you later. Enforced pull yourself together or get stuffed. How can a person be so insensitive. I'm afriad the s#*! hit the fan and I lost it big time. Now I have been told to stay away and not call them again. Big loss! So my temper got the best of me and I have requested a unlisted phone number. Any advice out there if it were you?

[Susie_q512]

Diane - Thank you for sharing with us what happened. I cannot imagine what it is like to lose a child in that manner, but I understand the sorrow, guilt, regret and anger. Really too many emotions to keep track of. I also want to tell you that I am bi-polar, and I understand what it's like from that perpective. I am not sharing this with you to put the focus on me, but rather to say that I am here should you ever want to know anything about what it's like to battle BPD . My hope is that you will understand that it truly is an illness, much like any other life threatening illness, only inside the brain, neatly hidden and tucked away. I am certain that your son did not realize the aftermath of the action nor the enormity of the loss. I am certain that he loved his family and friends tremendouly. I am certain that he would not want you to blame yourself or torment yourself...Like you, I do the same thing regarding my daughter's death. Different circunstances caused her death, but the heartbreak is the same. Wish I could tell you "how" to stop blaming yourself, but we all seem to do it, and I don't think any of us really have an answer for the "how" to accomplish putting an end to that part of this journey. Sending many hugs and much love your way.

Suzannah - Thanks to you also for sharing with me. Funny how everything becomes sacred when faced with the loss of a child. Glad to know I am not alone in this. I wrestle with staying away from her car. Saw the outside of it at the scene, but police, the family friend and my brother who assited in searching the car for her belongings have all told me to stay away from it. They say that I have already seen more than any mother should ever have to witness in an event like this. They tell me that the state of the interior of the car is one of the worst that they have ever seen in their line of work, and the images will haunt and torment me forever. No one will physically stop me if I choose to see it, but they all strongly caution against it. My logic tells me that they are probably right, but my Mother's Heart longs to see and touch everything related to her death. There is a roadside memorial set up in her memory there. It's about a mile from my home, so I pass by it regularly. Often I stop to talk with her and place flowers there.

Didn't accomplish all I needed to do yesterday. Got the majority of thank you cards finished, but picking out pictures for the memory scrapbook took all day. Did pretty good until I found her handprints from K4 or K5. Had to take a long break from it at that point. Still have to pick the picture for the headstone and fill out the claim forms, close some accounts....yucky business, but I gotta do it. My new goal is to have it done by Sunday evening. Wish me luck.

Dee - Thank you for always responding to my posts, for your positive and encouraging words.

Very glad to be getting to know each of you as you share your memories and heartache. Praying blessings upon each of you

[ericasmom]

Rhonda, forgive me for jumping on your guilt, I do understand it, I have plenty of it and worked through a ton of it, but your Son, your Sweet Wonderful Son, probably heard many talks about the mixing of drugs and you probably did talk about it and his teachers talked about it too. Our kids rarely believe that these worries would ever be anything about them. Your Boy was raised by two loving parents, just as many kids I know have been but also died due to drugs and or alcohol. When my friend's Son died the year prior to ERi dying, I thought how hard this must be but certainly never doubted she and her husband's attentiveness nor love and direction. It simply was that HE thought that drinking a bottle of cough syrup and a joint would be fine and fun. He died a shrot time after consuming the bottle of syrup, all the way in Washington State and the university and she was here.

She is and was a great Mom, so are you.

[Susie_q512]

Lorri - Love, Love Love the shirt. It's absolutely beautiful. Great way to honor your daughter, others, and raise awareness!

We are thinking of ways to honor Shannon. She wasn't texting during the time of the accident, and her radio wasn't working, so we know that neither of those things contributed to it. We believe she was simply distracted....maybe looking or reaching for something in the passenger seat. As we know, it only takes a fraction of a second for a tragedy to occur. We have been terribly financial strapped since my husband's diagnosis 3 years ago....he hasn't worked since that time, and the medical cost of his care are astronomical, as you probably are well aware...cancer isn't an easy illness to get through by any stretch of the imagination. We didn't have the funds to cover the cost of her burial plot which was required before it could be opened. The sheriff here in our county had established a fund to help people in situations such as ours. He donated the money to pay for her plot. We are considering an annual memorial fundraising event in Shannon's honor to raise funds to donate to the sheriff's cause. Considering calling it Shannon's Smiles for Miles or something like that. It's the only way we can think of to honor her and give back to the community which were so kind and generous to us. Maybe raise funds throughout the year and donate them on her birthday or angel date each year. I have also considered becoming proactive in promoting defensive driving courses for newly licensed drivers so that they have the opportunity to be better prepared if ever faced in situations where they lose control of their vehicles and such. Figure that eventually I will need to do something worthwhile....you know, can't help Shannon, but maybe I can help others in some way. Not quite ready to do anything yet, but tossing around ideas.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

Lorri - Love, Love Love the shirt. It's absolutely beautiful. Great way to honor your daughter, others, and raise awareness!

We are thinking of ways to honor Shannon. She wasn't texting during the time of the accident, and her radio wasn't working, so we know that neither of those things contributed to it. We believe she was simply distracted....maybe looking or reaching for something in the passenger seat. As we know, it only takes a fraction of a second for a tragedy to occur. We have been terribly financial strapped since my husband's diagnosis 3 years ago....he hasn't worked since that time, and the medical cost of his care are astronomical, as you probably are well aware...cancer isn't an easy illness to get through by any stretch of the imagination. We didn't have the funds to cover the cost of her burial plot which was required before it could be opened. The sheriff here in our county had established a fund to help people in situations such as ours. He donated the money to pay for her plot. We are considering an annual memorial fundraising event in Shannon's honor to raise funds to donate to the sheriff's cause. Considering calling it Shannon's Smiles for Miles or something like that. It's the only way we can think of to honor her and give back to the community which were so kind and generous to us. Maybe raise funds throughout the year and donate them on her birthday or angel date each year. I have also considered becoming proactive in promoting defensive driving courses for newly licensed drivers so that they have the opportunity to be better prepared if ever faced in situations where they lose control of their vehicles and such. Figure that eventually I will need to do something worthwhile....you know, can't help Shannon, but maybe I can help others in some way. Not quite ready to do anything yet, but tossing around ideas.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[shorty16]

Kate

So sorry you have to be here, but here is the place to be to find comfort from us who are walking in these shoes.

Your sibling will never get it. You will NEVER get over the loss of your child. Some of us on this site also have family who do not understand. We cannot make them understand. We just have to accept that they are not here to support us and find other means of support.

I have a g/f who does not get it either. In the first 2 years after Brian's death, I did not see her much and our contact was limited. Since then, I have learned that some people will never get it and it is up to me whether I choose to include them in my life. I do include my g/f in my life, but we do not talk about Brian.

We can shoose who we let into our lives. A sibling may be a bit difficult to exclude, but knowing this sibling does not understand your loss, it something we either accept or discontinue relations with them.

Kate, there are so many of us out there. People who do get it. Who do know this is a life-long loss that we have to endure every day. Perhaps allowing some of those people in your life would help.

Just my 2 cents from someone who knows.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[Jeff's Mom]

Kate

So sorry you have to be here, but here is the place to be to find comfort from us who are walking in these shoes.

Your sibling will never get it. You will NEVER get over the loss of your child. Some of us on this site also have family who do not understand. We cannot make them understand. We just have to accept that they are not here to support us and find other means of support.

I have a g/f who does not get it either. In the first 2 years after Brian's death, I did not see her much and our contact was limited. Since then, I have learned that some people will never get it and it is up to me whether I choose to include them in my life. I do include my g/f in my life, but we do not talk about Brian.

We can shoose who we let into our lives. A sibling may be a bit difficult to exclude, but knowing this sibling does not understand your loss, it something we either accept or discontinue relations with them.

Kate, there are so many of us out there. People who do get it. Who do know this is a life-long loss that we have to endure every day. Perhaps allowing some of those people in your life would help.

Just my 2 cents from someone who knows.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

Thanks Colleen. It is kind of you to take the time to reply. You see...I need to talk about him. When I told her about the suicide she refused to accept it. She told me that I was wrong and a horrible person to even think he could have done such a horrible thing. As if I wasn't suffering enough. Now they are angry with me as if my husband and I failed him and we are the ones who need to give our heads a shake. I've held up remarkably well for ages. Today I cracked. And you know something? That's Ok...despite what they think. I had a message from a niece today that said at least my sister had a family that loves her. Implying that Jeff did not love me. I cried for over an hour I was so hurt. He was a good guy and I am certain he is in a happier and better place. But oh boy, do I ever miss him. He didn't hurt people like this. He was so kind and gentle. Now I feel like fodder for these abusive types. I feel so vulnerable and they are kicking me when I am at my lowest.

[Guest msnher]

Colleen's right, Kate. There have been others here who don't post now whose families were just as rude...hateful even. I don't get it. I don't know why people have to be so mean.

Susan, I love the idea of Shannon's smile miles! Someday, when you are ready.

Rhonda...EVERYONE knows not to mix drugs and booze but, I did it. Often. Why does one person survive and the next doesn't? How is it that one person's car gets hit by the truck when another one just misses it? How does one explain my car stalling when the light turned green just as someone else ran their red light when car in the right lane didn't stall? The guilt will eat you up. You know that. We all know that...and, yet, it seems to be something we have to walk through. Because of a wrong turn I just missed the path of a tornado. And yet the elementary school was in the direct path of the same tornado. The valley of the shadow of death. We're in it. And, guilt seems to be a huge part of this nightmare. It's irrational guilt, though. Hugs to you!

[lolynbo]

SUSAN WHAT A GREAT IDEA....LOVE LOVE LOVE IT.....WE ALSO HAVE KOURTNEYS KLOSET..NON PROFIT WHERE WE PROVIDE CLOTHES SHOES ETC FOR NEEDY KIDS AND THEIR FAM..FREE OF CHARGE EVERYTHING IS DONATED TO US AS WELL...I WORK TUES AND THURS AND IT KEEPS ME GOING

GREAT IDEA LOVE IT

[westleysmom]

Thanks Dee and Susannah. I do okay for a while and then I just get to thinking that it was my job to "teach my children well" and I must not have done a good job and feel so responsible for what happened. Hell, my best friend's son died the same way 12 days before Westley and I don't try to tell her that it's her fault. Of course its not our fault, they were practically grown men. When I was that age, I was on my own and had been for a while...but I didn't die and he did. And at the time, I also was known to do things that were not strictly recommended or healthy. Still, given the choice, (and I think that most of us here would say) we would have done anything to keep from being told that our child had died, including dying in their place. It feels so wrong sometimes and when I realize that I will never wake again in the morning thinking that all is well, it seems so unfair.

Kate-I'm so sorry your family is being hard on you. Try to stay away from them is the only advice I have to offer. Your heart is broken, the last thing you need is for it to be stomped on. I have found the best people in the world here to be my friends and help me through this and I don't know what I would do without them. Hugs

Susan-That sounds like a really good idea. I know that the funeral expenses can add up really fast and it is nice that your Sheriff has that fund to help people.

Hugs to all, hope you're enjoying (as much as possible, you know what I mean) some pretty weather. Its been cool in Tn the last few days and feels like fall is really here.

[mikesmum]

What an outpouring of 'truths' and raw grief here overnight.

Susan - I remember being here about 4yrs ago when there was a great 'grate' debate about just that. My belief, well its simple, its just that ~ my belief. I choose to believe Mike's energy is now part of a bigger picture...I need to believe that.

Diane - Such a open honest account of Nathan's last minutes ~ my heart breaks reading your words. Looking back we see what by all accounts is a life worth living for, so much that we believe, would never have seen our sons taking their own lives. As hard as it is to think, that may not have been what they saw in themselves. There was so much in those last weeks of Mike's life that had me believing he was striving to achieve the life he wanted so badly. His daughter the one thing I felt for sure would ground him...I was wrong.

My psych asked me what could I have done that last day to change the outcome...I listed so many things..return his call earlier, driven to his house instead of going home after shift the night before, gone to his house that morning...it goes on and on. At the end he looked at me an said ~ okay you might have saved him that day, but not knowing his true mindset would you have been able to do that every minute of every day for the rest of his life.....have to admit, in hindsight I guess I would have tried, but in reality it might not have made any difference. I know it doesn't give us the answers we search for, but I also know that on this journey, behind my facade, there are days when no one would believe how much I would love my broken heart to just stop beating.....

I spent yesterday with my daughter, the 35yr old who is recovering from one hurrendous shattered leg. She is petite, nothing like her solidly built but short mother. Her 60 something kilo body was hurled through the air, a 175 motorbike sailed with her the engine block/gear box landed on her leg in the middle of nowhere. I am so blessed that she only broke her leg....I can't let my heart wander to the place that says 'she's lucky to be alive'. My head tells me she put herself in a position where injury and death is not uncommon....there is no rhyme or reason as to who goes and who stays.

But as she hobbled around the shops I realised being present in her life is something I need to continue. Its hard, the hurts are there, the lack of energy, the 'what's the point' also play as background music to my days....but I guess I look at what was left behind from losing Mike and know I don't want my family to go through that ever again...

I did however lose it yesterday in a pharmacy....Melissa is on an over the counter pain relief..its high in coediene and needs a pharmacist to dispense it without prescription. This is her local pharmacy. She stopped taking the Oxy meds after 2 weeks. Memories of how Mike died her incentive. The sales clerk quizzed her about why she needed them, did the doctor know she was taking them, how many did she take, how often. Then the crunch.."you'll need to get a script for Oxycontin if you continue to take this type of medication". I couldn't breath, I couldn't stop the the thoughts of Mike bein given 210 oxycodiene & oxynorm over 2 days WITH A DOCTORS SCRIPT with no one bothering to quizz the dispensing of so much so soon.. The thoughts became words~ yes out loud....the tears began to fall and my anger was obvious. Melissa got it, the pharmacist and the assistant didn't.

Thoughts with Lynne as she returns to work after losing her mum.....

Dee - You there?....hope your rant to the cemetry people brings about change or even just a feeling of calm now you have vented your anger.

I don't know why I'm here and my son isn't......just know I am....

This is Melissa ~ no not a kid at grown woman

An this is the weapon of mass destruction

[Jeff's Mom]

Thanks to everyone for your support! I have learned a valuable lesson this past few weeks. That I was not as strong as I thought. That I can't do this on my own as I first thought. In reading your own accounts of your painful experiences I see now that we carry each other. Yes, you are right. This is one club I would rather not join. I am so surprised at how many of us there actually are.

Thanks again, for welcoming me with kindness.

[summergirl]

Kate - I am so sorry that your family is being so cruel to you and I am glad that you finally "blew up" as that is what we need to do now and again......as Dee once told me we are like a pressure cooker, if we don't let it out it builds and builds until we explode. I have been there with family members and friends.....things I never thought I would hear from those I "thought" understood. On the day my Jessica passed my mother-in-law came to the house and took my face in her hands and said "you have to be strong" !! that was it, no crying, no hugs, no anything else....As time passed there were people who said "wow, you still feel that way, it has been over 2 years ???" REALLY, YOU SAID THAT TO ME REALLY??? Those are the friends I chose to leave behind. A week after Jessica passed my sister-in-law asked me if she could have Jessica's Uggs....(Jessica loved those Uggs) and being the person I am I said "yes, as long as you NEVER wear them", she promised she would not, she just wanted them.....then on Christmas when we were together she looked at me and said "oh look Kathy, I have Jessica here with me tonight" and she put her feet up to show me she was wearing the Uggs !!! SHE PROMISED..... Am I over reacting to these things ?? NO, I am not....I will forgive but I do not forget. Hang in there as everyone here always understands and never questions.

I must say goodnight as I need to get Tavian to bed. We are going apple and pumpkin picking this Saturday, am looking forward to spending a family day with Tavian.... Love to all, Kathy

[Susie_q512]

With the holidays looming before us, we are uncertain how to proceed. Halloween was a favorite of me and my girls, and now that it's just me and Rae, we don't really know what to do with ourselves. We have already agreed not to visit family as usual for Thanksgiving opting instead for a quite dinner at home...just me, Rae and Jeff. Christmas is a bigger issue. We have decided to place a small tree in Rae's room that she can decorate as she wishes. Even though she just turned 19, she is still at home, so she doesn't want to have gifts under the tree which would normally be placed in our living room. She has requested that her gifts just be placed under the tree she puts up in her room, and she may wish to open her gifts privately. That will be fine with me and Jeff. Probably won't go visiting the family at that time either, but Jeff has cancer and no one knows how many more holidays he has left with his family....so, it kind of makes it difficult to make decisions that might take away from his parents and siblings...not sure how to manage these holidays so that everyone - including us - gets taken care of. Also don't know how to use the money set aside for Shannon's Christmas gifts. Trying to determine whether to use all the funds for Rae or maybe donate the money we would be spending on Shannon to a charity...maybe the shelter that she adopted Lexi from? Or maybe save the money for things that Lexi may need....who knows? Normally we go to Gatlinburg for a few days around Christmas. It usually snows there, which it rarely does in Northwest Georgia. Don't know when or if we will ever go back.

In thinking of all the "why's", I remembered something I said to my cousin when his mother died unexpectedly during a routine and simple surgery. I was maybe 24 when she passed, so we're talking 22 years ago... At the funeral home, he said to me "I just wish I understood why this happened. I just want to know how this could have happened." I remember saying to him, "You will probably never understand why this happened, and even if you did, it wouldn't be good enough. You've lost your mom. There will never be a good enough reason to justify that loss." Until now, I never fully understood the truth of those words. We each wrestle with "why", but no answer will ever be "good enough" to justify the loss of our precious children. We will never arrive at a satisfactory or acceptable answer to that question in this lifetime. So what do we do?

Wishing all much love and many blessings tonight.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Susie_q512]

On a more humorous note, I've decided that I need to make a "Who's Who" list for everyone I'm meeting through this site. Getting all the names and kids and circumstances mixed up and I'm afraid I will stick my foot in my mouth or offend someone without realizing my mistake...I'm known for inserting my foot in my mouth regularly....and occasionally up someone's arse

Please tell me if I screw up....I should probably just go ahead and apologize to everyone in advance.

Susan - Shannon's mom (her latest fav colors were purple and red)

[Chads Mom]

Dropped by to tell everyone I am thinking of you. Warm ((hugs))

Spent to much time feeling bad to do much else.

Not sleeping to well lately, then sleeping in to late. ugh hate that it's just not me.

Polly--Chad's Mom

[ericasmom]

I am here Trudi Love, and loved your last two posts but have spent two 12 hour days at school and just don't have the energy right now. I love you all and Kate, I will meet you eventually but for now, welcome adn I am so sorry that you need to be here but glad of course, that it is here you found when grief struck.

Lynn, I am so sorry about your Mom and also that I did not respond as soon as I heard that sad news. I told myself to write immediately, but I simply didn't and forgot to then catch up. I am so behind in communications right now. I pray that your Mom had a peaceful transition to that next great place...

catch up this weekend, must sleep-

love ya all

[Susie_q512]

Polly - I'm not sleeping well either. Really didn't sleep well before I lost my Shannon, but now it is almost impossible. Usually 2 or 3 hours of disrupted sleep and then tossing and turning and thinking until I finally get up and stay up just to wrestle with everything in an upright position. So sorry that you are struggling too. Wish I could offer some advise, but all I can offer is a recommendation to see your doctor. I am taking Xanax every night, but still only sleep 2 or 3 hours, and not well. Maybe you will have better luck with a medication. It does calm me some, but my mind is too tormented to rest. Sure you feel the same way. I used to meditate, but that seems to take too much effort to do right now. Anyway, hope sleep finds you tonight...or soon. I'll be thinking of you and the others as we toss and turn and face our demons.

Heard just a little while ago that my sister-in-law's co-worker lost her nephew today during a home invasion. The poor kid was brutalized. It's disgusting that people are capable of doing such horrific and inhuman acts. My heart broke again as I heard this news. Remembering too well the initial impact of finding out about Shannon. I will doubtless be thinking of this family tonight and in the days to follow.

Hoping you find sleep and dreams filled with Chad's sweet presence soon.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[Vinolli]

Wow, I was just thinking of the coming holidays, being alone. It's been 13 mos, and it's not getting any easier. At this stage.. it doesn't.. we play every game mentally just to get to the next day... Go to work, act like nothing is wrong, and spend the evening attempting to cope till the morning, then go to work and do it all over again. I miss him so very, very much.. My baby, my just turned 21 son and trying my best, to make him as proud today, as he was 13 mos ago, the memories of celebrating his 21st birthday with him in Las Vegas. Halloween is the start of what was "our" favorite holiday season for the next 3 mos.. I'm strapping every ounce of strength in me to make it! If I can say it aloud... then we all will! One day at a time! I came across this site, from KCC bigcountry.. and I hope I can find a healthy way to heal, cuz so far... every day is total pain! Thanks, for letting me vent :}

[mikesmomrs]

Just a quick post to say hello and that I am thinking of u all. We r having a good visit at ralphs sisters after a HARROWING experience on a treacherous mountain road on the way here. We got here safely though and that's what counts. We willNOT b going out the same way, for sure. My heart goes out to all of u who are new to this site and to those who have been here a while. So much good sharing between all and comfort offered, which of course is what this site is all about. You are all, as always held close in my heart. Special prayers for KODY may ur heart heal sweet boy.

Will write more tomorrow...I hope I did a betters job with this post than the last one I typed on ralphs phone!

[jeana]

Well, its been one month today since I lost my boy. At times it seems like yesterday, but mostly it still seems like it can't be true. I love you Levi. My heart breaks a milion times over everyday.

[Susie_q512]

I'm on that roller coaster again....my facebook post on Shannon's page:

It's 12:45am, and I'm nowhere near sleep. It is so elusive now. But it's no use anyway...usually I just relive that day trying to change the outcome. Or knowing something is wrong, searching for you, finding you, then you slip away...all the while I know that you are in danger, but I can never keep you with me long enough to protect you. Every night the same dreams. Every night the same torment. Wish I could have protected you that day...may never forgive myself for failing you. What mother fails her child so miserably? What mother can ever reconcile with the truth that she was unable to save or protect her child? I'd walk through a thousand Hell's to get you back...if only I could.

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[ericasmom]

Susan, I sure know what you mean about not sleeping well and trying to piece together a better end to the story that changed your life, I did that for quite some time after Erica died. Three months prior to her getting killed, I dreamed horrid dreams of something about to happen to her but I never saw what it was but woke screaming just as it was going to get her...I had three of these in April and May, and the fourth was a sad sad dream of her funeral. I was at the pulpit and giving her eulogy. In July, Eri and I were on the phone, she lived in Kalamazoo Michigan and we live here where she grew up in Oak Park, River Forest Illinois. We laughed and talked and hung up with " I love you's" and a half hour later the phone rang. I did not know that the woman was the chaplain, I did not know that a train had hit my Daughter's car at a broken crossing, I only knew that those nightmares sat with me on the 2.5 hour drive on a wet and chilly July night, insisting that I understand taht they were true. Right before we got to the hospital in Kalamazoo, I felt a hand on my right shoulder, my husband was driving so...I told him then that now I know for sure that Erz will die, someone just put their hand on my shoulder to let me know. I was unsure if it was Eri or perhaps my Mom who died the summer before, but the hand was confirmation. Eri lived for six days but never awake and with a severed brain stem and multiple other injuries, we knew that if she did not die on her own, we would need to let her go by having all of those measures attached to her body removed.

I struggled (both vertically adn horizontally) for a long while with, ' had I only kept her on the phone a moment longer...had I only taught her to not just pay attention to the lights but make sure you look both ways anyway...had I been a better mom...).

Thing is, we are good Moms and Dads, we are good people who love our kids as much as those whose kids are still here, accidents, injuries, drugs, illnesses, are part of our world and they happen and this time, those tragic things happened to us. One day, further down the road, you will be able to give some of the guilt up because it will wear you out and your Shannon would scold you for hanging onto it. She would want you to live your very best life when you are able because she loves you, loves your life, and if things were reversed, it is what you would want for her. It takes time though, so I am glad that you are honoring your grief by acknowledging the many facets of it. There is really only one way through it...time and your constant energy to find your footing and find your purpose. Do not expect this to happen fast and in the mean time, take care of the physical aspect of your life, you need to eat and drink plenty of water and try to get some sun on your face each day....

My hopes to you

[hoosiermom]

Hello Indigos

So many new faces, so sorry that you have reason to be here....

Weather is changing to fall and so is my attitude it seems....just sad lately, very weepy, missing my little girl and wanting to avoid the upcoming holidays. Feeling like no one cares or understands. My oldest daughter got very angry at me yesterday over something that she was clearly in the wrong about, and she just hung up on me. This girl lost a brother and sister in the span of 7 months, she is 23 years old, you would think she would understand how precious your family is and to treat them better.

Just feeling like I am crossing days off the calendar until I can be with Brianna again.

Sending all Indigos love and light, Jenn

[shorty16]

Hello my Friends

I am writing another letter to a major company for showing car-surfing on TV. All State insurance has "mayhem" riding on the outside of a car as the car is moving down the street.

I am inviting the CEO of All State to spend a day in the life of a bereaved family when the commerical they air goes terribly wrong.

The disclaimer they post on the bottom of the screen is hard to see and means nothing to a teenager.

These advertising executives must live in a box. Not realizing the "power of suggestion" their commercials have.

Some of you remember the Dairy Queen commercial where the Mom is riding on the hood of a car trying to get closer to the Dairy Queen truck. I wrote a letter to them also. I did hear back with words like "We will consider more carefully our commercials", but they did not take me up on the offer of spending a day in the life of a bereaved family.

My 2 cents to try to straighten out the advertisers.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[lostwoher]

Hello Indigos. Yeah, I just cant stop using that word. I am stopping by to say THANK-YOU for your thoughts and prayers. My Mom's death was so unexpected. I am having a difficult time dealing with it due to the nature of our relationship. It was exactly one year ago to the day that we began to renew our relationship. The what if's keep flooding my mind. Was Kayla there to greet her? Their relationship was not so great either. She didnt believe in God that I know of. I NEVER knew of her to step inside a church. Growing up I cannot recall her EVER saying "I love you". Seriously! It wasnt long ago she questioned my sisters and I why we never say those words. It didnt go over very well when I said my thoughts. Denial. All of us tell our children I love you every time we speak. I cannot imagine never saying that. Enough of that blabbering. I need to keep my spirits up as I return to work today. Been off for 16 days. I think Im ready for a distraction. I just wanted to say thank-you so "Thank YOU"!

[westleysmom]

Colleen-You stay on 'em. I saw that commercial one day and thought how it was reckless to show it and wondered if they showed it where you are. Good luck.

Vinolli-I'm so sorry for your loss. My son Westley was almost 21 (six days away) when he died in January 2010. I have been coming here since last summer and it has been so much help to me to find people who understand what I'm going through and can talk me down when needed. I hope you will come back and share your boy with us. I loved the picture that you posted, I'm sure you cherish that memory. Hugs

Dee-Hope you get some rest this weekend from all the conferences. I don't know if I'd ever heard you tell about the hand on your shoulder. Isn't the wedding coming up for Jon and Shannon soon? I hope it is all going well.

Jenn-Good to see you and sorry to hear about the round with your daughter. I personally would be okay with skipping all the holidays from now on, but my daughter has little kids and that wouldn't be fair to them. I was just saying the other day that it feels like I'm marking time until I can see him again. It makes it sound like the only child I loved was Westley, but that isn't it. He's just the one that did die, and I miss him like everything. I guess we all feel that way.

Kathy-I'm so sorry that relative wore Jessica's boots after she promised. It is a big deal, and she knew it was or you wouldn't have made a condition on giving them to her. I still have all of Westley's things and know I should do something with them, but just can't seem to bring myself to let go of them yet. I know its crazy, but its my crazy and I earned it, and I'll keep it as long as I want to. Have a happy family day with Tavian picking apples and pumpkins.

Carol-Hope the trip is going okay and you don't have as hard a time getting home as you had getting there.

Love to all especially the new people, Polly, Susan, Josie. And whoever said they didn't want to offend anybody by getting confused on names, PLEASE don't worry about that. I've been called other people's names, and they've been called mine and I've mixed up everybody on here at one time or another with somebody else. With the grief that most of us on here are dealing with, I wonder that we get it right as often as we do, and I am proud to be called by anybody else's name on here. These are the bravest, kindest, sweetest people I've ever known, so don't you worry about that.

[westleysmom]

Lynn-When I saw Dee's post, I knew I had missed something and I'm so sorry for your loss. It was good to see Kayla's pretty face today and good luck on your first day back at work.

[Guest msnher]

Vinolli - I'm glad you found us. I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. Please tell us more about him.

Lynn - It was so nice to see Kayla's face when I logged on this morning. I've already told you how sorry I am for the loss of your mother but, I want to say it again.

Colleen - I saw the commercial you're speaking of yesterday and I had the same reaction. Good luck with your letter. I remember when you wrote to Dairy Queen. There's a heart burn commercial out that shows the man walking around with fire on him. I don't like that, either. It sends a message to kids that the fire doesn't hurt.

Susan - I would say not to worry about learning all our names and stories right now, but that was important to me, too, when I got here. It was actually how I occupied a lot of my time. I wanted to know all about each angel. Most of us believe our angels directed us to this site. I believe Shannon sent you, too.

Carol - I'm glad you and Ralph are having a good time although I can just imagine the car ride around the treacherous road. Yikes.

To Everyone I missed I send light and love. We had parent/teacher conferences yesterday. They went well. Then the school secretary called me and asked if I would help her pass out the goods from the latest promotion. Cookie dough, pies, cakes etc. There was just the secretary, the man in charge of the promotion and myself passing out all the sold items. I had SO much fun! I was also very flattered that Ms Cora felt free enough to call me at the last minute when she found herself in a bind.

We are taking the kids to see Reba and The Band Perry in concert tonight. They are so excited! Last night Mariah talked a hundred miles a minute about EVERYTHING as I fixed supper. At one point she said "I'm just so happy, Grandma! I miss my mom, but I'm so glad we live with you. You take good care of us!" I told her how happy I was they lived here, too. She cautioned me saying, "But, we're still sad Mommy died."

I marvel at the wisdom of a child. They seem to inherently know it is possible to be extremely happy and very sad at the same time.

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[andy88]

Hello Friends,

It's just a beautiful, sunny day here. It's lifting my spirits in this sad time of year. So many hard days all bunched together...Andy's birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and then his 1st angelversary. I'll be glad when they have all passed. Meanwhile, I'm going to enjoy this lovely day and get outside into the sunshine.

Vinolli - I'm very sorry for the loss of your son. We would all love to hear all about him.

Lynn -Thinking of you, and I'm so sorry about you mom.

Susan, Josie, Polly - you remain in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Colleen - I did see that commercial and I immediately thought of you and how painful it would be for you. Good for you for writing to them!

Carol - Thank goodness you made it ok on that road! Sounds scary to say the least.

Jenn - Sending you rays of sunshine. You're right, the colder weather definitely affects mood...I find myself feeling a lot like you do.

Dee - hope you are able to get some much-deserved R&R!

Everyone - wishing you the most peaceful, beautiful day possible.

ith love,

Pam

[rlolheiser]

just me again, I lost a big post (yes I know I should have wrote it first) anyway.. to me it means it isn't time to share.. just sending you all my prayers, thoughts and love

[Jeff's Mom]

Being a very private person it is not easy for me to reach out to strangers when I am in pain. Yet, after reading so many of your posts I feel overwhelmed with emotion. I feel for each and every one of you and would gladly take away your hurt if I were able. It gives me much hope to know that there is a place that I can talk and feel understood. The situation with my siblings has deteriorated since yesterday. Rather then a caring family giving support they have decided to draw away further and have asked me to never contact them again. I am hurt to the core. I had a vile call from my niece asking me to never call the family again. I was not welcome. This woman proceeded to call me the f#!# word in every other sentence. And she teaches in a school!. I am afraid there are two family members that are somewhat responsible for my son's taking of his life. They belittled him and eventually his depression sank to an all time low. And why did all this happen? Because I finally admitted and forced them to face the circumstances of his death. I did not point fingers or accuse anybody of provoking him. I only told them the truth. I cannot believe the depths that people will sink to to not have to take responsibility or face that they may have somehow been responsible...or the very least have helped push him over the edge with their taunts. Abuse to the core and it happens in the best of families.

I feel that it took me until this point to finally come to accept his death due to other elderly family members that took up my time due to terminal illness. Once they had passed away I was finally able to focus on my son. My mother-in-law was diagnosed with multiple cancers exactly one month to the day after Jeff died. It took everything to keep it together and focus on helping her until the end. So, I feel that in a way I am only really now just grieving Jeff's loss. These others must have thought I was getting along just fine. But they were wrong. And they found out this week. Bullying, abusive language, verbal and mental abuse is what they are capable of and have caused a person to take his life due to it...and the scary part...had I owned a gun I was so upset yesterday that after listening to my niece I would have gladly put it in my mouth and pulled the trigger. For one flash second I felt I could have been capable of going that far I was so despondent. And then they back away and blame my husband and I for failing him.

I am determined to keep going. I am not letting them do this to me ever again. As of this morning I now have an unlisted new phone number. I'm not going to be the next statistic!

[hoosiermom]

Kate....I have no words, just sending you hugs and lifting you up.....so sorry for what you are going thru.,,,and yes always know that here you will find nothing but love and acceptance.

After my daughter died, I found support and encouragement in places I never thought possible, and not all of it came from my family unfortunately. And sometimes they just say things that hit you wrong....like when my sister's first grandson was born on my daughter's birthday and she made a remark about how he had "taken over" that day....as nice as I could I said "That will always be Brianna's birthday too....just because she is no longer here to celebrate does not mean it's no longer her birthday" I suppose she wanted the focus to be on her first grandchild and I can understand that, but that day will always belong to my little girl too and to ignore that fact is just hurtful to me.

I'm gonna close now with a saying I used to have on a Tshirt: Mean people suck!

Hope all Indigos have a peaceful weekend.....Jenn

[Susie_q512]

1. Kate - I am so very saddened to hear of how poorly you are being treated by family members. Maybe it is best to let them go from your life, at least for a long while. Life is so difficult when facing our loss and all that comes with it. You really need people around you who love, support and value you, not those who are negative and tear you down...I call those people "emotional vampires"....they just suck the life energy right out of you. Although Shannon was killed in a car accident, since my husband's diagnosis 3 yrs ago, she and I fell under a lot of criticism. Well actually, me and both my girls fell under attack from my husband's family, but mostly it was me and Shannon. Public attacks on her facebook, phone calls telling her how horrible she, her sister and I were. So many times these things occurred, until finally I lost my temper in a bad way. These folks may have held the same opinions, but they knew that they would be wise to proceed with great caution when it came to my girls....I was literally "fighting-mad"...and I'm talking kick-ass, go to jail mad. I'm pretty peaceful, don't go looking for fights, but mess with me long enough, and you got a big problem on your hands. So, my forceful handling of these people caused the hard feelings and tensions to deepen...but I didn't care. My husband was right there with them. Although he loved his daughter, he was mean and critical always. She was never good-enough. He always found the one thing she didn't do well in, and forgot all the great things she accomplished. Can't tell you how many times he has disowned her, and won't mention all the other horrible things he himself had said and done to her. He is the reason his family attacked my daughters and me...well, he and his mom, primarily. So, I know what it's like to have family situations that are hurtful. Prior to Shannon's death, I was cordial to these people, but very guarded and distrustful. I did not force my girls to attend family functions if they didn't want to, and I usually avoided them as well. Since Shannon's death, things have changed. I have witnessed many of these people grieving for Shannon, and it is obvious that they regret what had occurred in the past. They now see the good in her and question why they did and said the things they said. They have determined to be better aunts, uncles and grandparents to Rae. My husband's grief is overwhelming and deep. I believe that he carries much regret and guilt. He now sees how wonderful Shannon was, and how wrong he was to have been so harsh with her. For me, it's hard to deal with. I try to forgive them because I feel they have learned a lesson here, and they did care for Shannon. But I will never forget what was said and done, nor the tears she cried, nor her inability to understand why people who claimed to love her could think such horrible things about her, and say such horrible things to her. Truth is, I'm still angry about it. So is Ragan. But we try to move on. We try to believe that those who hurt Shannon are now truly sorry for handling things in the manner they did and causing her such heartache. For me, my emotions ride the roller coaster. Most the time I am ok being around these people, sometimes I am filled with anger for the pain they caused Shannon. It's so easy to believe the bad in ourselves, and they reinforced and gave life to those lies in her head. I will never forget, but I do try to forgive and move on.

Most of them leave me alone, a few reach out to me with love and support. I accept the ones who reach out to me, and ignore the ones who don't. Always cordial, but no real relationship. I really hope that you find peace in letting go of these negative people. You will probably never get the support, love and understanding that you need from them, so best to let them go and look elsewhere. Close one door, and pray for the next to open....as they say though, the hallways are a b****!

Susan - Shannon's Mom

[dwsmithrn]

hi indigo family......today is a day from hell....exactly nine (9) months ago today, nathan took his life....he left me...his family and his friends. it was on a friday and on the 21st of january....i have hated fridays since, but today is double whammie....it's friday and the 21st....all week has been hard to deal with....another layer of padding has peeled away and another layer of pain has entered my heart. i have had yet another migraine for 4 days now...no medicine can help it....i am going to see the nuerologist on monday, so maybe there is help coming....but, really, who cares....nothing hurts as badly as my heart.

i called my daughter and she and hubby and baby met me at ruby tuesdays and we had lunch together.....i decided to do something with my child today, and it helped, even for just an hour or so. i just needed to be with her for just a while. i am glad that she lives nearby.

pam....i still want to find a time to get together and meet and have lunch with you.....do you think it is possible to do that? let me know what you think and we will find the time.....

lynn....i am sorry to hear of your loss....i will be thinking of you and keeping you close to my heart.

kate....we are all F - frustrated I - insecure N - neurotic E - emotional...FINE....i used to just say i'm ok...then my oldest son told me this is the meaning of 'fine' so that is now what i say, it eases the mind of so-called friends, but I KNOW what i mean by it....i am sorry your family is not understanding. i have one sister who cannot know how to handle my grief, so she pretty much stays away. i am sorry you are dealing with this, too.

colleen....i so agree with you on those stupid commercials....i have wondered about those for a long time...thumbs up to you for actually addressing them. you are awesome girl.....i had a problem with a sitcom i was watching where a husband was tired of a nagging wife and put his hand to his head as if he were shooting himself in the head and i went ballistic....i screamed out crying and my husband ran in the room and looked at the tv...i told him what it was, why i was hysterical, so he just turned off the tv....writers are not very sensitive to what others might really be going through...

dee...get some much needed rest....you always worry about the rest of us, butthis time, we worry about you....R & R in order for you....got it?

carol....shirts got here safe and sound....i will get to them as soon as i can and you will have them back in your hands soon.....don't worry about them. i think i can do what you would like on them....just give me some time to make the designs....have a good trip and stay safe....

jenn....i so agree with your t-shirt....they do....suck, that is....and you are sooo right....our child's birthday is always their birthday....that never changes....just like the talk i had with my 5 y/o granddaughter...she is super smart....grandmother has 4 children....1 that lives in heaven and 3 that live on earth. grandmother, is uncle nathan always in your heart? yes, avery, he is always in my heart. what a sweetie pie she is....

susan....don't worry about names, it will come to you eventually...i have been on here almost 9 months, and i still have a hard time...it takes a while and also, you won't get chastized if you make a mistake....i promise. besides, we all know how the mind gets during this most horrendous time in our lives. only this private club can know, and we don't really want to belong to it....

vinolli...i am so sorry about your son....share when you feel you can, or not. just know that we are all here for you. we will hold you up and keep you close to our hearts. these wonderful people saved my life. i'm still here, no matter how much i hurt, i'm here.

rhonda....you are so right about 'these' people...they are wonderful....i love you all....i really do....i am so glad i found you....what would i do without you? i know for a fact, i would not be here....so, THANK YOU to all of you....

i am hoping that you all have a peaceful and restful weekend....

PS.....yesterday i had a mad, mad at everyone and everything day.....is that normal? 'cause i was mad....especially god....and the at nathan....then i felt bad, because nathan was sick and i know he could not help himself....i know he was ill....oh, yeah....i dreamed last night about him....i looked up and he sitting in a chair, and then it was someone else, then it was him, then it was someone else....this happened, the changing of the people about 4 times, then he was gone....no words....is this weird? my first dream about him and this was it...

have a nice w/e.....love to all....diane

[dwsmithrn]

there is a sorrow the heart cannot share....

it is a lonely place we go to remember and to heal....

[Jeff's Mom]

Well, I just wrote a long note to all of you and promptly lost it. Sorry! Thanks again everyone for your support. Diane, nine months is not very long. Good for you that you were able to find the strength to go out and have lunch with your kids. Again, thanks to all of you for your input. Today was a very difficult day as it took everything I could muster to actually cut those ties. But it had to be done. I need to honour Jeff's memory by moving forward in as positive way as I can. it is just going to take some time.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

Kate

[Jeff's Mom]

there is a sorrow the heart cannot share....

it is a lonely place we go to remember and to heal....

Diane, I wanted to say that I too have a note that is very similar. It was hand written. I actually kept it on the mirror in our bedroom until I noticed the ink was starting to fade. I then carefully wrapped it in plastic and put it in my drawer. I take it out every night to kiss that note.

Nathan sounds like he was a great young man. And he obviously loved you very much. Hold that thought close to your heart. Take care.

Kate

[Chads Mom]

Talked to a dear cousin that never judges me and has taught me just recently when it comes to family to just let it go. (been trying this and it feels good) She is facing having a liver transplant and has been ill for a good many years Drs say even with this transplant she may have only 4 to 5 years due to the multitude of other health issues.

We talked about things like her pity party, my pity party, my crying chair. (husband moved it in another room in hopes I would stop using it to cry in and use his shoulder instead) Didn’t work I still go to this chair. We talked about our kids, our husbands, what different people we all are today and the elephant in the room. (The damn elephant is in every room I go in) Hate that elephant just say his name for gods sake. It’s CHAD! It’s okay I might cry but to bad it’s better than to pretend everything is the same.

It got me thinking about how unimaginable it would be to have this understanding that you are going to die and what that would feel like? We talked about since my son was disabled he was very smart but did he know he was going to die? I told her that the day we took him the hospital he told me he was scared. Then before they sedated my son he actually told Daddy. “I’m going to die” We were just devastated that he was aware of this. I cried non stop for about 3 hours after this revelation. We wanted to spare him this but no different than the crappy cancer we couldn’t. Writing this is giving me a panic attack just thinking about it makes me want to go off the deep end. So I try very hard to not go there to often …. But I keep thinking how brave my son was and it gets me through the moment.

It also got me thinking how brave WE all are to have actually made it through to THIS moment. Susan, Josie, Vinolli, Kate, Diane I think of you daily you are so brave! Susannah, Lorri, Dee, Colleen, Carol, Pam Rhonda, Amy, Sherry, Greg, Diane, Trudi, Leah, Lynn (hopefully I haven’t left anyone out) you are simply amazing and a testament to strength and courage.

Lots of love and much appreciation to you all!

Polly--Chad’s Mom

[dwsmithrn]

POLLY.....that dream i had last night.....CHAD was in it....i kid you not....first nathan was in the chair, then his friend patrick, then nathan, then someone else, then chad, then nathan, then they were all gone....it was over....it was CHAD...the one i didn't know....i promise, it was CHAD....i did not know the boy in the chair until now....chad was with nathan....they are ok.....they were trying to tell me they were ok....although, patrick is still here, and the other person, i can't remember, but i think it is someone i know that is still here....but nathan and chad were sitting in the chair. it is so odd, but that is how the dream went....there were no words exchanged, just i was across the room and there was this chair and i watched as these boys took turns sitting in this chair and looking across the room at me with a smile. then it was over. this is the only dream i have had about nathan so far. he has come to hold my hand once and once he tried to put his hand on my forehead when i had a really bad migraine...and once he was walking up and down the hall on the squeaky boards at 3am.....but, i have never seen him until last night.

[Kasm296]

I am new to the forum..I lost my 18 yo daughter to complications r/t diabetes this past June. It is hard dealing not only with the loss of my child but also the loss of the family we had. The dynamic is off and you almost have to relearn how to be a family again. I look forward to this group and reading all the posts.

[daveydow1]

Hello all Indigos-------YIKES !! I'm so far behind, and can't seem to catch up.

Kate-----I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved son. I am sad to have to welcome

you to this site, but it is a good place to come to and share your grief. Everyone here

knows, firsthand, the pain and sorrow of the loss of a child/children. I have lost two

children.......one baby, Lisa, at the age of 6 mo. years ago, and then my son, David,

at age 31, 8 yrs. ago. I have found this site to be a lifeline. Please come back when

you can and post/read whenever you feel up to it. Peace to you, friend.

Trudi-----sending prayers for a good recovery for Melissa.

Susan----Never to worry about getting people here, and their children confused. It

can be a bit confusing, for sure.......but I know that I have made my share of "goofs"

when it came to posting. Everyone understands. I made myself a sheet with the

names of the parent,......child who passed, and angel date, and it has helped me to

keep up to date.

Josie-----So sorry......this being the 1 month mark for you on this grief journey. Peace

and prayers.

Vinolla------I'm so sorry for your loss. Please come back to this site. Everyone cares.

Diane-----How awful.......that the young person was murdered. What a tragedy.

Lor-----Love the T-shirt design.....very lovely.

Greg-----Sorry for your co-worker's death. Prayers for her family and all friends.

Dee-----I, so, know what you mean about long days, getting tired, and being behind.

That's how it has been for me also..........always seem to be running behind somehow.

Weather has been lousy, so that doesn't help the mood or energy level. Hope you

are able to get some good rest.

PEACE & COMFORT TO ALL IN THE INDIGO FAMILY.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[Guest msnher]

Wow, Diane! I believe!

[daveydow1]

Lynn-----So very sorry about your dear mom's unexpected death. Sending

thoughts and prayers, my INDIGO friend.

[daveydow1]

Polly----I, too, share your concern about wondering what a person's

feelings would be like if they knew that they were going to die. Your

Chad was indeed a brave person. It was told to me by an ER nurse,

and medical reports that my son, Davey, never regained conciousness

after his car was crushed by a 40,000 lb. semi with the driver sleeping

at the wheel. I took comfort that he didn't know that he was going to

die that summer day. He was a person that worried a good bit, so I think

that God spared him the knowing. Your dear son, Chad, will always smile

down on you with love. I believe this.

Colleen----Good for you for writing the letter to Allstate Insurance. I, too,

often wonder "what were they thinking" ? , for so many of those irresponsible

ads. Just stupid. Even though they declined your offer to see what a day in

the life of a bereaved parent would be like,.......I'm so glad that you wrote and

told them how stupid and irresponsible their ads are. As you say........those

disclaimers (in SUPER SMALL writing) at the bottom of the screen mean

nothing to young impressionable teens. I'm so glad you wrote & told them how

dumb the ads are.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[summergirl]

Just wanted to say hello and let everyone know that I am thinking of you.....without you I would not be where I am today....Love to all, Kathy

JESSICA, JESSICA, JESSICA.....MISSING YOU SO MUCH......ALWAYS AND FOREVER YOUR MOMMA....

[rlolheiser]

feeling so lost tonight. My husband left town with his family.. I have my son, mom and JaBoa's sister here.

A friend of JaBoa's mom called me today and told me that my daughter is in jail for drug ingestion, and he was trying to find my grandson for me. As of yet nobody will tell us where the boy is, he is only 2 years old. My heart is hurting so bad.. I don't want to go through this again..

I contacted my daughter that lives in my hometown, she has been trying to help.. my grandkids are all upset.. not understanding how JaBoa's mom could do this again, when she swears on JaBoa's name she has been clean..

I told the friend that called me that I won't be bailing out my daughter nor will I come to see her. I told my daughter to go on with her life as she is just now starting to put some of her problems in line. I have already been told what a lousy mom and grandma I am by various people.. my soul hurts for my JaBoa's mom.. but it hurts more for that little boy, I told my daughter the first time she got busted, that it was the only time I would help out.. from here on out she has to earn my help.. and I really don't know if she can. Sena was listening to phone calls.. and I had to tell her what happened to mom.. (just the short) now I wait to see if her dad comes for her.. all I have done today is cry.. not doing to well.. I want JaBoa back so badly.. life is so wrong now.. so sad

So I ask that you think of my grandson.. and pray he is in loving hands.. and pray for JaBoa's mom that she be shown what she is missing out in during this time of grief

Thanks for letting me get this out.. like I said.. just really feeling alone

[Jeff's Mom]

To those who have lost someone who knew they were going to die...I have a short story to tell you to give you hope. When my mother-in-law was dying from cancer she was given a few weeks to live. Finally we had to have her placed into palliative care at a local hospital to see that her needs were met properly. I can say nothing but positive things for the kind and caring people that looked after her in her last few weeks. Towards the end she started to tell us of a couple that came to visit her every night. They stood around her bed visiting her and just building up her morale. But she was a stubborn woman. They told her they were there to help her to make it easier to leave. She being the determinined woman she was asked them to leave. Told them she was not going anywhere. It got to the point she actually complained to the staff about them. They told us that they heard these stories on a daily basis and had never actually seen the couple. Our family is gone but only from sight. Take heart...that it will be better one day. Maybe, she was just strung out on drugs...I prefer to believe the opposite. What do you think?

[andy88]

Diane,

YES!! I still want to meet you for lunch or for whatever. Let's pick a date and a place.