Loss of an Adult Child

[nicksdad]

[ericasmom]

Betsy, the weird happenings and evil ways have come to an end for a few key people and I am glad. Thanks for posting the article as it does show us that sometimes there is justice actively being enforced. Hooray. I remember your telling us about the coroner but I do not remember why he was so guarded over your Son and so deliberate in keeping you away?

Shelly, in response to your asking us what we think? HOORAY is what I got right away, it just seems so much like your Girl used some serious energy to send you that powerful message. How very nice. Yes, that definitely seems a sign from your Girl.

[ericasmom]

Kayla

Kayla

Kayla

KAYLA----fly freely Sweet Girl, the Girl with a smile that melts hearts.

Lynn, I hope that you are well and that you find a measure of peace on this day.

[mysonrich]

Dee, he wasn't guarded. I believe when Rich died the deputy coroners golf game was interrupted. It was a holiday weekend. And, he was not keeping me away to insure the integrity of my sons remains, or guarding my son to keep him safe from others. The guy was a bastard .

[ericasmom]

OH I GET THAT HE WAS A BASTARD, perhaps guarded is the wrong word, why was he so oppositional of your seeing RICH? Now I see that he was 'busy' too 'busy' to tend to the emotions involved in yet another parent...BASTARD!

[Guest msnher]

Betsy - You may have missed your chance for the last word with the coroner, but rest assured, he now knows exactly the pain his actions caused...to everyone.

Tony - I keep deleting what I write to you. I want so badly to say something to ease your mind, but there are no words. I obsessed with the same questions you asked concerning Stephanie's death. I think we rehash the scene over and over again, trying to make it make sense. It is self torment, but I think we're powerless over it. I think it's part of the grieving process. We want to know exactly what our child was feeling...what it was like for them. I would like to say our imagination makes it much worse than it actually was, but how do we really know? It's the not knowing that drives us insane. It's unbearable. Self talk helped me some. The stop sign Carol speaks of helped, too. But in those early months I was powerless over my thoughts. I was always reliving the crash. I lived the crash, slept the crash, it was my life. I like to think no one suffers before they die, but we know that isn't true. Carol knows. Lorri knows. Anyone who has watched someone die from cancer knows that isn't true. I don't understand this human suffering we are all allowed to endure. What I believe, however, is that this life is such a short, short time in the scheme of eternity; surely their suffering seems like a minute in time for them now. I have to believe there is more to this life than this. I'd like to say I know there is, but it's all subject to my own insanity or hallucinations or active imagination, so I settle on the word believe. I can't find comfort in the fact my daughter is dead, so I find comfort in the "fact" I believe she's alive (too many signs not to believe). I think we have to "get stuck" in the date of their death...the details...the suffering they may have endured until we find a way to live with it. Accepting the unacceptable is difficult at best. I will never approve of my daughter's death. There will be times I will wonder, again, if she suffered (she died alone...how does anyone really know?) But, so far, I don't stay there long anymore. I seem to be able to dig my way out quicker than before. I know Jackson dreams of Brendan, Tony, what about you? Any dreams? Any signs from your little boy letting you know he's near? When your mind takes you to the actual accident and what Brendan was feeling, it might be helpful to force yourself to remember the dreams Jackson has had and any other signs that prove his existence and presence.

Dee - We finally received Miss Rumphius in the mail yesterday. I read it to the kids while they ate breakfast this morning. Then Mariah re-read it to me while I did some mending. Then she read it again to herself. You were right...a good book. I may have to begin carrying lupine seeds in my pockets. The kids and I discussed different ways you can make the world beautiful. Smiling. picking up trash. etc.

I went to the DMV to renew my license today. I wasn't able to because I forgot that the new law went into effect on July 1st and I didn't have the proper documentation. You can't use your current driver's license as identification. You have to have your birth certificate AND your social security number AND two forms of proof of your name and current address, like a utility bill. I moved in to Gary's house when we got married, all the utilities were in his name and we just left it that way. Mail is not delivered door to door in our little community, so we only have a PO Box...anything in my name does not have our physical address on it. Plus, we have gone paperless in a lot of our business transactions. They said I could bring the utilities bills with Gary's name as long as I bring our marriage certificate. I think he has to come to prove we're still married. Our house looks like a tornado went through it from all the boxes, drawers and files I dumped into the middle of the floor to try to find my birth certificate. Never did find it. Broke out in hives from the stress. Took benadryl. Relaxed now. I did find a stack of pictures with Stephanie in them taken when the kids were babies, they had fun looking at them. I also found several letters from all my kids. I found a couple from Curtis written when he was in jail at age 18 and 19. He thought they were stupid and selfishly written. I cherish them. He was so scared about what might happen to him back then. I was scared for him. I'm so proud of him, now, I can hardly stand it. Reading them again, however, brought up the same feelings of guilt and wanting to save my son and wondering what I could have done better and beating myself up for all my mistakes and Oh. My. God. How can I handle his emotional pain? Seriously. I went "there". The letter was written in 04. I expressed my sadness to Curtis. His response was "Gosh, Mom. Get over it. I'm not there NOW!" I think that's what our angel children say to us..."I'm not THERE now." I think they try to tell us over and over again that they're okay NOW.

And, NOW I must bid you all good night.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Guest msnher]

Kayla - Please send your mother a sign of your presence today. Hugs to you, Lynn!!

[lostwoher]

Today is the anniversary...

Of my child who has soared

I'm left sad and lonely...

With a broken heart for sure

People can't imagine..

This countdown that I do

Each and every single day...

Since the day I lost you

No birthdays left to celebrate

No stocking at Christmas time

Always one less plate at dinner

Yet someone told me I'm doing fine

I gave a little smile...

Nodded my head like I said yes...

If they only knew the pain inside...

There is no way they could guess

I have learned to hate the calendar...

It just represents the past

Back when I still had you near...

Now emptiness just lasts

I know your in a better place...

(Please let this be true)

Cause I couldn't take another day...

If I thought I'd never again see you

So until that day for me arrives...

I am learning how to cope

Thinking of when I'll see you again...

That's what gives me hope

I dont know the author but this touched me and I wanted to share for anyone who would like to use it.

Many blessing to each and everyone of you for being here. So very sorry we need a place like this but I am grateful for it.

Much love.

[mysonrich]

Kayla, Kayla, Kayla...sweet carebear girl walking upon rainbows, dusting the stars. Always remembered.

[shorty16]

Kayla

Kayla

Kayla

Kayla

Kayla

Kayla

Kayla

Kayla, spread your wings and brush the sky the with stars that shine their light on your family today.

Thinking of you Lynn and Randy

Colleen

[rlolheiser]

Kayla.. Kayla.. Kayla... may mom and dad feel your closeness today .. each day.. everyday.. and see your beauty in all around them

[Guest msnher]

I'm so excited about the picture Betsy posted for Kayla's memory today! THAT is exactly what Stephanie looked like in the dream she gave me after she died and she floated up to the sky (backwards, smiling at me). Without the wings. She stood in front of me, I couldn't touch her and I was longing for her, dying with sorrow and she just stood there, smiling at me. The smile never left her face as she ascended upwards and over the mountain. She became brighter and brighter until I couldn't make out any of her features. Yep. That's it, without the wings. I wonder if they have wings? Personally, I don't think they need them. They just zip up and down and all around at the speed of light. Faster than the speed of light. The speed of thought...even faster than the speed of thought, really, because before we complete the thought, they've zipped right on by. Makes my tummy smile with delight!

[dwsmithrn]

hi friends.......first, let me say....thinking of you KAYLA....and your mom....let her feel your presence all around her.....and tell all the angels we so need to feel them all around us....

i made it to fort walton beach, fl. and had a nice 5 day visit with my oldest son, patrick (36) and his wife, jennifer, and the 3 grands...10, and 7 y/0 twin girls.....they are so precious. sweet, well mannered and affectionate, i took them schoolclothes shopping and we went to see the 'smurfs' and out to eat a few times and shopping some more, and to the beach. i think we all had a good time, although i still have a lot of trouble being at the beach, no matter what beach it is. it is tough being there.

i even went to their church on sunday, which i have not been doing since, well, for months. i had a short talk with jennifer about my feelings and i think that went well. later in the week, i had a short talk with patrick and i still got the impression that he was not quite getting it. i didn't argue with him, just listened to what he had to say. then, two nights after i got home, he called to tell me how proud he was of me for leaving my safe place and flying all the way to florida and that he realized how difficult that was for me...and he was proud for me to take those important steps. YEAH! maybe he does get it. he also called a friend of his who lost a very young child several years ago to brain cancer. he wanted to know 'how i was really doing' and wanted his friend to fill him in on this journey i spoke of. well, jeff DID fill him in....and patrick told me what he had learned. i was elated that he finally understands somewhat/ maybe a little of what he thinks i might be feeling and how long this journey will take, and i will forever be changed, like it or not.

had this conversation with my hubby when i returned and he said i need to stop trying to put on that fake face and trying to please everyone around me....he said you are just not there yet and everytime you do that, you come home and sink deeper into despair and it just upsets you more to have to use up your energy to fake it. he said just be who you are right now, because that is the best you can be, now. over time, you will get a little bit better, and you and only you will know when you are ready to be the new you. he said my grief journey is going to take longer than 29 weeks (today) and i have to keep working on it until i am more comfortable, which will take time. he is a great understanding hubby.

thanks for listening....

i read all of your posts and just don't have the memory to respond to everyone, but i do think of all of you and can feel you pain, your sorrow, your ups and downs, and your joys and happinesses when they occur. some of you are my role models. i have days when i say, 'i can do this' just because of reading your posts. i thank you for that encouragement.

forgot to tell you i have a shoulder problem....has anyone ever heard of 'frozen shoulder syndrome'? it sure does hurt and i went to PT yesterday to learn how to do exercises for it....they say it will take years to make it better. the dr. said there are many causes, and sometimes they just don't know the reason, but he thought mine could be from my autoimmune disease. usually it will occur in the other shoulder within 2 years. great, something to look forward to. this is my left shoulder and my right arm/hand already has tremors for an MS lesion on my c-spine. yeah, i really need something else....really great. oh, well, i will do what they tell me to do and make it better, but 3 years, really? are they serious?

have a good weekend all.....always thinking of you and hoping you get to see or feel your angels. love, diane

[Brendan's Daddy]

Thinking of Kayla and Lynn today.

Thank you for all the helpful words. It has been such a rough month for me. Sus, thank you so much for the message. You are right. I want so badly to stop reliving the accident, but I feel so helpless. Jackson has had so many dreams of Brendan. We have also been given so many signs. I must keep believing that my little boy is happy now.

Dee and Trudi thank you for taking the time to write. Your words always help.

Thinking of you all as usual.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

[heartbeataway]

(¯`'•.¸ -:¦:-•*'""*:•.:¦:-•*Celebrating the life of Kayla!*•-:¦:-•:*'''''*:•-:¦:-¸.•'´¯)

[mysonrich]

Dee, for some reason your words today crack me up. As if I can hear you.

Susannah, I don't see Rich with wings. I see a bright light zooming everywhere leaving a trail behind of bright,white light mixed with color. Like a shooting star but never fading.

My aunt said that on Easter Day she saw her husband standing near her, smiling . He died last year.

Yesterday she told me that she saw my mother sitting on my aunts chair ,used for her PC/desk. She also said that my mom was surrounded by small children,one with very curly hair and that my mom looked happy.

[westleysmom]

KAYLA DAWN-A beautiful name for a beautiful girl who will always be loved and missed

Lynn-Thinking of you today and hoping that you feel the presence of your beautiful girl always

[echofc]

Dear Friends,

I have been away for a week camping on Lake Champlain in Vermont. Was hoping it would be more of a diversion than it was, but then again it has only been five weeks since I lost my Stacy. I wish I felt her presence more than I do, instead I just feel very lonely. We were very close and saw each other every day. I miss talking to her so much. Now it's I talk...no answer. I suppose if someone were to hear me they would think I was insane. But none the less, it really bothers me that I'm not feeling her around me like I did my Mom when she passed. This has been so painful and makes me feel even more lonely. I really need a sign that she is okay now.

Sue (Stacy's mom)

[raren30]

Hi everyone,

Not doing so well the last three days have been upside down. I started back to work on tuesday and had one melt down. Wednesday I had two melt downs and I cried myself to sleep that night. Thursday I was supposed to go to work and I couldnt stop crying when I woke up so I called in sick. Does this get easier, its been one month today that I lost Emilia.

[ericasmom]

It does get easier but it does take time. What kind of work do you do? Are you able to take breaks outside to grab hold of some quiet or some healthy distraction? Can you arrange to do some work from home?

Tony, I know the replay button you play, I did so for a long time until I just had to do something different if I wanted to have any kind of quality to my life. It is different for everyone, but I had to intentionally change the pictures and replay in my head each night. Every night after ERz died I took the same walk I always take after dinner, but I was replaying our phone call while I was walking just as it was that last night, I replayed the call from the hospital the drive there, the faces of the kids waiting, the 6 days of walking up and down the long hallways to say good bye toEri, the everything...I was becoming more and more driven by my replays so I had to physically do something else at my walk time, change the time of my walks, ask someone to walk with me so that I did not go to that place, ride my bike instead and worked very hard to change the images. I worked to find the happier images of Eri and the sound bites in our lives that were of laughter and conversations rather than the screams and sobbing. I am not saying you should try this, I tried this out of need to change the path I was on, to find the oxygen that allowed my happy memories, and I did it while going to therapy weekly which helped as she encouraged it and was very supportive. I swear to you that it made more room in my reformed heart for the good stuff of our lives with Erica. Everyone does this differently, just always know that whatever you are feeling, you can share it here. We each of us root for you and everyone else finding their way.

Diane, good for you taking that trip and having fun with the kids and your Son and DIL. Good for you for telling them how you feel too. ANd give that Man a hug for me, that husband of yours for really really getting it. Wow!

Sue, Stacy will let you feel her when you least expect it. Sometimes we wait and try so hard and then a tiny thing, a tiny noise or shadow or insect or song on the radio something, will let us know, OH< you are here. Be patient with yourself adn as far as others thinking me insane when I speak to no visible person, OH well, I talk to Eri all the time, today in the park I sat on a bench to take a break from my bike ride and spoke to ERi for a long time. I talked to her daddy too. I just do and I do feel they hear me and if that is insane, then I am certainly insane.

Gotta go work in my classroom setting up, talk with you soon.

Betsy, so glad that i make you laugh. I like your Aunt's visions, very sweet.

[ericasmom]

OH Sus, so glad that you liked Miss Rumphius, I think it is one of the nicest stories, stays with you and if you use her philosophy in life, then you are guided by goodness. Glad that the kids loved it too, and hey, sowing lupine seeds sounds like fun, though I have never had luck with lupine around here. A great book for Mariah and you might be, "each little bird that sings"

lovely wonderful book. Chapter book, the main character is same age as Mariah.

[sarah58]

Hi everyone,

Not doing so well the last three days have been upside down. I started back to work on tuesday and had one melt down. Wednesday I had two melt downs and I cried myself to sleep that night. Thursday I was supposed to go to work and I couldnt stop crying when I woke up so I called in sick. Does this get easier, its been one month today that I lost Emilia.

[sarah58]

emily im the same wondering if it gets easier its 8 weeks tomorrow from my son died and the pain is awful i think about it from morning till night then dream about him people like us who have lost there kids say it does ease but you never forget i cant go out at the moment i stay in bed a lot hopeing next day will be a bit better i find it helpful to read the post because when my son died so suddenly i felt so alone take care love sarah xxxx

[dwsmithrn]

wow! it's only been one month, or two months...that is not long at all....it has only been 6+ months for me and i am no where near close to healing. you have to take it easy on yourself. give yourself time to grieve your lost little one. this is a painful journey. that word, i have grown to despise, but a fact it is. we did not choose to be here, but together, we are here. we will do what we can for each other, and just listen or holding a hand or answering a question to the best of our ability during this terribly, painful time in our lives, we will be here for you. there is no magic about it. there are no right or wrong answers. there is no perfect time....it is all bout you and your grief. take care of yourself and let it unfold as you need it to. i have learned so much from this site. this site has kept me alive since i lost my precious son. i depend on these loving, caring people to keep me focused on just 'being'. hang tight with us, we will help you. feel free to express yourself in any way you need to, good or bad. you need to be able to say what is on your mind and let out your emotions, just as you feel them. there is no judgement on this site. please, let us carry you through this journey, along with all of us. as painful as it is. it will take a very long time to get through it.....diane

[shorty16]

Diane

Way to go Girl!@!!!! Helping others when you are so new to this journey yourself. You just took one huge step forward, my friend

Colleen

[shorty16]

Emilia21weeks

Diane is right!! Please be kind to yourself. This grief journey is long and hard. The first year is filled with the physical pain. I swear, I was sick to my stomach for 1 full year knowing my Brian was dead. At 16 years old. A perfectly healthy young man made a terrible decision that ended his life and ours as we knew it.

You have every right to cry, scream, sleep, and do it all over again. Tell us about it - that is what we are here for.

Colleen

[shellyku]

KAYLA KAYLA KAYLA - Brush past your mama today and sprinkle

your angel dust all around her! Give her the magical feeling of your presence today!

I pray all Indigos find a slice of peace in the rest of your day. We are having exquisite weather in Allentown, PA

today...just sparkling! However, we are holding the 2nd Annual Kuti Klassic Golf Tournament on Sunday and

they're calling for thunderstorms. How I wish we could have a day like today for the gathering, but we will deal

with what comes. That is what we all have to do, I suppose, is deal with what comes...good and bad.

Sarah's angelversary is coming up on the 18th, and I can feel myself getting anxious. I know many of you had

said that the days leading up to "the day" are sometimes worse than the day itself. In our case, the days leading

up to her death were pretty bad. So I find myself thinking, "oh, this was the day she had the lung operation, this

was the day she had the heart drain inserted" and the like. It just breaks my heart! I keep wondering if my girl

knew what was coming, and if she did, was she scared...just like you Tony. I only know that me, her Dad, her

husband, her sister and her brother-in-law were right by her side the whole time. That she knew. I hope that

gave her a measure of peace and comfort. I watched my daughter die 9 days after her 29th birthday and almost

like Steel Magnolias where Sally Field said it was beautiful to see her born and see her die, I can't say it was

beautiful, it was heartbreaking.

May you all have a good weekend and my prayer is that you will find comfort and peace along the way. Shelly

[rlolheiser]

Thinking of all the new families here missing their angels. How I wish it would get easier for them.. heck, wish it would stay easy for all of us all the time, but there is so much missing. I hate that we lose these precious children.. these precious people.. I've wished that life could go on like it used to, but when I think about it.. it can't.. we have to learn all over again how to live.. to go on like nothing happened would just be wrong, to me impossible. So I will take the painful days, and pray for those who are so alone from losing their loved one, pray that each day gets more bearable. But I am so lucky I got to know my angel, she brought so much to me just by letting me love her... my philosophy today.. just my thoughts.

I had mom in to the dr again, there will be more tests.. she doesn't want anymore.. she just wants to live out what life she has left. I need to keep doing what I can for her, I talk her into the tests until there is just nothing left to do. I hope they all turn out ok..

One happy moment today... I took my little guy to the dr with us, he stood by the reception counter with me. I checked mom in, and the receptionist looks at my son and says.. you are so good looking. He turned red and shrunk down under the counter.. we got in to the exam room right away.. and he talks to me about the lady.. mind you now.. he is only seven. Mom, I have to quit using my Axe Deodorant.. the older girls are chasing me. when I go to school I won't wear any, I don't want the girls chasing me. I just had to smile at him and tell him it was ok to quit.. (he copied his nephews when they lived with us and started using deodorant to go out).. gotta love him.

Thinking of each of you.. may you have the strength to stand tall with your angels on this dificult path. hugs

[heartbeataway]

New names ...... always hurts my heart to see new names.

Some of you are so new and wondering when it will get better ..... hang on tight, it's gonna take some time! And others may disagree but I don't think it gets better, I think "it" gets softer but not better.

It was months before I did more than get up in the morning and breathe in and out. I can remember standing at the window wondering why the grass was growing and the birds were chirping ...... didn't they know?

It was years before I didn't cry every day and sometimes multiple times a day. I remember one night finding myself on the landing outside our bedroom calling his name frantically and my husband getting up hugging me and asking if I was okay ....... no, I will never be okay again.

I remember going to the hair dresser and her asking how the wedding plans were going and I fell to pieces .... couldn't even talk. Our son was engaged to be married.

My dress for the wedding was found on the front porch when the door was opened to let the chaplain and his police escort that were walking to the door know that we already knew he was gone. I've thought many times about what it would have been like if we opened that door and heard the news that way .... would I still have ended up on my knees screaming?

I could not bring myself to say he was dead. I would say we lost him or he went away ...... but I couldn't say he was dead. Now I can ..... our son is dead. He was our "scrubbed in sunshine " , laid back, funny sense of humor, big hearted, loved his family, successful, smart and talented gift of a guy that we were lucky enough to call our son.

So, all you new broken hearts, hang on tight. It's going to get softer, it will be easier to breathe and you will wake up one day and remember without tears. Sending strength for the weary days ahead ......

[mikesmum]

Cold Saturday here....just puddling around..

Muttley is off for a 'sleepover' with my baby brother & family. Its his first time away from home. Usually we have my eldest step son move in if we are away. But he has his own house, a new pup. I need to have Muttley be with someone who gets it. In the outside world they think, (maybe they know) I'm crazy, but in the parellel universe in which we exist it seems quite normal to be so 'focussed' for want of better words. Bill lost his only son to CF after transplant complications almost 10yrs ago ~ he so gets it.

With the puddling and 'cleaning out' I stop and pour over finds.. This picture is of my 'trio of trouble' October 2006. We celebrate 5 family birthdays in October so we would gather at my home and have one big birthday party.....This was Mikes first as a dad...Harmony was only 4 weeks old.. But hey those kids are just the same about a picture being taken as they were when they were little....something very funny going on there.....

Thinking of Kayla Dawn (pretty name).......

[briansdad]

I forgot I made this a while ago thought I'd share again. As the song says when will I learn to let go.

http://brian-klocke....40087820000.wmv

[aim630]

Kayla,Kayla,Kayla-Let your family feel your sweet presence today as they remember your life

Lynn-Sending love and hugs your way today.

Amy/Ashley's mom

[ericasmom]

I think that I said goodnight last night but forgot to hit the post button. Trudi, love the photo and yes your three look to have been conspiring. A sunny day ahead, I thk I will go off on a bike ride and later I am going to the first part of the Bachelorette party being thrown for Shannon. Her Mom, Beth, and I will go for the first part, don't even want to know what they do in the second part.

Carol, I hope things are smoothing out for all of you and that the girls had a good visit.

Bonnie good to see you. I remember when you came here and told your story in the beginning of your journey. I cry again at your description. I wish you a soft and lovely day.

How is your foot healing?

[ericasmom]

Amy how are you doing? Is Katie excited? I know that this is hard for you just want you to know that I am rooting for you.

[westleysmom]

Greg-He was so beautiful. I love the pictures with Alyssa especially.

Leah-That Axe deodorant will get them everytime. It sounds like he will be quite the ladies' man. I hope your Mom gets to feeling better.

Trudi-It definitely looks like trouble is brewing with those 3 looking so chummy. I'm sure you cherish that picture.

Bonnie-I'm so sorry. I know we say that all the time, but it is what always comes to mind when I hear another part of somebody's story that I haven't heard before. I hope that Pinnacle Days planning will go well. Thinking of you.

I got a text from CJ (Westley's friend) last night thanking me for all we've done for him and telling me he loves me. It is sad and happy at the same time. If Westley was still alive, CJ probably wouldn't hardly speak to me if he came to my house. I think most of Westley's friends were scared of us before. We were the kind of parents that held you responsible for what you did and expected you to do your best and work hard and all that. Not fun parents, you know real parents. I guess reading that I should be able to let myself off the hook as far as feeling like a failure as a parent, but I think that its so hard because I always believed that (for me) results mattered at least as much as, if not more than effort. So my effort at parenting was good, but since the results weren't that great, I feel that I failed. I'm rambling I guess, but just trying to figure it all out.

The weather here is cooler, I hope you are all having a good weekend and feel a moment's peace.

[ericasmom]

Greg, lovely song, beautiful Boy. Thanks for sharing.

Leah, love the deodorant story, a ladies man hu?

Rhonda, how wonderful that CJ had the ability to say thank you to you. To tell you how he feels as he finds his way into the life of a responsible adult. I hope, really hope, that you will let yourself off the hook on the guilt topic. You and your husband were the kind of parents that had expectations, that is never wrong. You did not fail your Son, you did not.

[heartbeataway]

Greg,

I love the video .....

I remember watching it but it still brings tears to my eyes. And I know I've said this before too but you have a knack for picking the right songs!

Thanks for sharing it again!

[dwsmithrn]

greg...i love the video...the pics are fabulous...such a good looking guy....and that song, 'how do you learn to let go'. no really, do we ever learn to let go? i know i can't and won't. i think of nathan 24/7. i know i will never stop. ran into some rough spots yesterday and today. lucky my friend was available today, as always. we hung out at her house for awhile, and her daughter came over who was one of nathan's good friends....it was good...lots of memories to share. even though it is sad, it was funny to hear the stories, and heart warming to hear the good traits my boy had....i was glad i made the effort to go.

have a good rest of your w/e all.....diane

[lolynbo]

VENTRING OUT TO THE RACES TONIGHT TO WATCH THE BB BOY...GO #22k....

FINALLY A SMIDGE OF RAIN WE WERE IN THE LOW 90S TODAY...POOL FELT GREAT..

WE LEAVE THURSDAY FOR NOLA...SUPER DUPER READY....

KODY AND MY SISTER WENT TO JOB FAIR TODAY...KODY DID GOOD WE THINK THEY SAID THEYD CALL WE SEE...12$ AN HR IS GOOD...WERE GONNA MAKE HIM GET A NEW TRUCK, (KEEPING THE ONE WE BOUGHT FROM KOURTNEYS DAD) JUST GONNA PUT IT UP...

HOPE ALL IS WELL

KAYLA KAYLA KAYLA...SWEET KAYLA

[daveydow1]

Hello INDIGOS....I'm so far behind with reading the posts.... YIKES !! I'll never catch up , but thinking

of everyone here on this site.

KAYLA-----KAYLA------SWEET KAYLA. SOAR HIGH IN THE HEAVENS ON YOUR ANGEL DAY.

Lynn----sending prayers to you that your memories of your sweet girl will warm your soul.

PEACE & TRANQUILITY TO ALL INDIGOS. HOPE EVERYONE GETS A GOOD NIGHT'S REST.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

[ericasmom]

Hi Sherry, no reason to try to catch up if you feel behind, just jump in. How are you? Are you sharing in this great weather we are enjoying? Well we did get a storm of rain this afternoon, but other than that, it has been lovely.

Lorri, have fun at the races, go #22 is right. I hope that Kody dear gets the job and that you all have an awesome time on the trip.

Just home from the Bachelorette party for Shannon, it was great fun. We had to do a scavenger hunt with Shan, some of the items on the list were:

find three men named Jon and have your photo taken with them.

drink a blue drink.

find someone with a $2.00 bill on them, (we found two at one table)

have a stranger sing a love song to the bride to be.

It was great fun.

[heartbeataway]

I know what you mean Sherry ....... I'm perpetually behind on this site!

Dee,

The shower does sound like so much fun!!

Rich and I went to see the movie, The Help, today. Really liked it ..... laughed and at times had tears in my eyes.

We had a hiccup with Pinnacle Days ...... The place where we have it increased their rates 66% over last year. I knew folks struggled with the admission fees to the campground as it was ..... we talked to them and they said they might come down a couple of dollars. I asked some folks and it was more than they could justify in these economic times. Almost gave up and decided it was time for Pinnacle Days to end. And when Rich called them to tell them we were canceling the event, they at first said they understood but then agreed to lower the rates to within 3.00 of last years. That's doable! So, we're back on track ......

Jay's dog, Jackson was diagnosed with Cushings Disease a year ago in April. He's having some issues and we're having tests done. We may be taking him to Virginia Tech soon. But the disturbing part of this is that we were told that from diagnosis, most animals live 23 - 28 months. How sad is that??

As Gilda Radnor use to say, "It's always something!"

[ericasmom]

Oh Bonnie, Poor Puppy. I did not know that dogs could get Cushings Disease, thought it was an only human condition that one is born with. Glad that the location for Pinnacle Days is being fair in price for you, 66% sounds like a huge chunk and not doable for most people right now. Some business is much better than no business.

I hope everyone has a good sleep,

talk with you tomorrow,

dee

[nicksdad]

Matt....Thinking of you on this day....

[mysonrich]

Gerry, it has been a couple of years since I last read your thoughts and offers to help others on this journey. Thinking of your kindness today and your beautiful Matt,Matt,Matt! Forever missed. You have a great mom,Matt. Her kindness did not go unnoticed. Hope she is well.

[ericasmom]

MATT

MATT

MATT

Fly about your Mom today letting her know of your peace.

Gerry, with hope that you have found some deeper peace than the earlier years allowed.

[Guest msnher]

Thoughts of Matt and his family!

Karen - I think I lost the post I wrote telling you that you, too, are welcome to call me anytime. I don't see it anyway. I hope your travels are going well or at least going, now. You're in my thoughts constantly, dear friend.

I am having such a difficult time posting lately. I end up deleting most or all of what I write and then just give up. My thoughts seem to be wandering lately. It's hard to focus. I lose my place and end up in la la land. I'm not trying to be selfish by not responding to each post. I do read them. I just can't hold a cognitive thought that long!

I woke myself up at 4am laughing from a dream about Stephanie. It might be offensive to some so I ask forgiveness. Steph's driving this bus thingy in space (heaven) There are no wheels, it kind of just floats. In fact, there isn't a steering wheel; she controls it with her mind. The bus is full of other spirits, but I don't recognize any of them. Steph had a mission, she was transporting them somewhere. The mood in the bus (oh, the bus is open, like a convertible) was serene. They all communicated telepathically. Steph was offering reassurance to some of the newer riders of the bus. They stopped at a "place". I say place because I have no idea what it was. They pulled up to this counter "place" like a drive up. Stephanie and her passengers were still quite serene...reverent, even. When, all of a sudden four nuns dressed in white robes and habits pulled up beside them. They were in a much smaller "vehicle". The plump nuns seemed squished together, two in the back seat, two in the front. No top on this form of transportation, either. They were on a much more urgent mission than Stephanie's crew. They were flying quite fast and jerked to a stop beside Steph's bus. Everyone on the bus looked at them, Stephanie's expression one I grew to love and cherish. It's her wide eyed Lucille Ball look. As fast as can be, the nuns stripped their robes off and threw them over the heads of the people on the bus and they landed on the counter. The nude, plump nuns then sped off as fast as they arrived, leaving Stephanie and her crew staring, wide eyed, after them.

Two years ago today we had Stephanie's memorial service. I think I'm feeling it more this year than last year because last year we were so grateful for the miracle that Little Curtis's life was spared and he wasn't hurt worse in the fire.

Yet, I'm doing much better than I was last year, if that makes any sense at all.

Well, I hear people moving around on the other side of the house. They will be hungry.

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[echofc]

Dear Friends,

I am very thankful for being able to come to this place for others experiences and wisdom. I am only five weeks in this journey and know it will be a journey for the rest of my life. Something like losing a child never leaves, but I can at least hope that like most experiences I will learn from it and become a better person. I have decided today to take a lesson from Stacy. Choose to be happy whenever possible. I know that isn't thinkable for sometimes, but even when Stacy was sick she tried to keep a smile on her face and was always more concerned with others. She was very brave, much braver than me. I was contacted by someone I had lost track of about 30 years ago. Facebook can be wonderful. Anyway she contacted me because she lost her son in a fire 18 months ago. She happens to be coming East to visit family so we plan to meet up with a big box of Kleenex. I'm sure it will get ugly, but hopefully healing for both of us. I am finding that unless you have lost a child you can not understand the pain....the loss of future. That is why this place is so important to me even though I wish it didn't have a reason to exist.

I hope you all have a blessed day filled with peace and wonderful memories. Miss you with all my heart, Stacy.

Love,

Sue (Stacy's mom)

[hoosiermom]

Good morning Indigos

Last night at the Indiana State Fair, a stage collapsed right before Sugarland was to perform, killing 4 people and injuring dozens of others. Please keep the people of Indianapolis in your thoughts and prayers as they continue to sort through the wreckage and expect that others may die from their injuries as well. A friend's daughter was there last night, she was not injured but she did witness the whole thing and is understandably traumatized.

Jenn

[ericasmom]

Sus, perhaps doing better this year in the face of really feeling all of the loss more is because you are allowing yourself to feel it. You cannot get to the side of grief where a longer view is possible without really feeling all the many ways that your life has changed. That first year was securing the kids in your home and dealing with how to actually just get by. the second year finds us locating ways to live and finding new patterns in our days with the constant knowledge that we are learning in the face of our loss. It is an active work we do, and in it we find our strength and can visit memories that bring more joy.

Sue, I think taking a lesson from Stacey is key, it is her influence in your life that will shine brightly many years later, all the years later. There are days that seem to last far too long but time keeps on truckin, and so do we, changed of course, and strengthened at times by what we carry, who we carry with us each day. Coming here definitely helps all of us and seeing your friend with the box of tissues will also probably help you both beyond measure.

Going out for a walk on a beautiful morning. Gorgeous out.

Prayers indeed for all those who are affected by the stage collapse in Indiana last evening. It sure went down fast with the winds, but I would like to think that stages were built with the ability to withstand such winds. Deep prayers.