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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Guest msnher

I like kindle. Didn't think I would. Kindle will never replace my love for paper books. Kindle is easy, convenient and inexpensive. I can be reading a new book within a matter of seconds. Yep, like it. Still want a huge library full of real books in my dream home.

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westleysmom

Cheryl-my friend at work just finished reading Sarah's Key too. She has a kindle, but I'm not sure if she used that or bought the book. She said it was really good. I was reading one at the same time called Snow in August that was pretty good. It was about a young boy in NYC area during the late 40's dealing with prejudice and persecution. I kept a copy of the poem you posted, it was very pretty and I'm sure added to the memorial service. I'm glad that you were able to get back to work. It is hard, the thought that we've done all we can for them physically. I guess that's why I've been trying so hard to help Westley's friend CJ. There is still something I can do for him, and he's not Westley, I know. But he loves Westley too and I can help him and it makes me feel better.

Dee-I'm so sorry that you feel as if you are going in circles. So you hard true confession time with Dr. Debbie, that's what I do when I go to the Dr. Its good to have a dr that you feel like you can tell stuff to. I hope the bike rides and the little free time you have will help you as you approach the days that bring back so many memories that are painful. I wish you strength to get through it, as I do for all of us. Sometimes its just so hard to be strong for everyone, and I know what you mean about not wanting to be gone from home. When Westley was alive, I didn't want to be gone because he would be here unsupervised and I was afraid something would happen to him. Something happened to him while I slept in my bed, proving that it doesn't matter where you are or what you do sometimes, the worst will happen. Still, though, I don't like to be gone from home for long.

Sherry-I don't get many of the mulberries but the ones I have had were good. I try not to dwell on the fact that I will never be the mother of the groom and that Westley never had a chance to know the kind of relationship that I have with his Daddy. We have been together for 34 years and I don't know how I'd make it without him. My daughter asked me to look for a book the other day for Laney to take to daycare and I went to the basement to look. But I just can't do it still. Everytime I go in that room that has all the toys and books that I'd kept that they really liked (and probably some they didn't even care about and I was too sentimental to throw away) I start crying. I did see Sylvester and the Magic Pebble, which I had thought might have been lost. We also have several copies of The Three Billy Goats Gruff, which was one of Westley's favorites when he was a little fella. I had gotten him one of the Golden Books that has buttons you push for sound effects of the Goats and the Troll, and it still works. Laney likes to look at it. But I'll probably hang onto those.

Lorri-Good grief, y'all are hotter than us and we're sweltering. Stay cool as you can.

Susannah-Hope you are feeling okay and will be able to find a dr who can help.

Everybody have as good a day as you can.

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Good Morning Indigos

Dee So glad you could confide your feelings with the Doctor. I know it helps Those bike rides sound so meaningful and each time you talk about them I resolve to take another. .I have not been on one since a few weeks ago. Maybe this weekend..

Listening to everyone talk about Kindles and books reminded me of another thing that I have "Lost " since Stephen passed. I no longer will / can permit myself to read . I too would absorb books with joy now I sit for a while try to engage in the book and end of up placing it down and saying "this is meaningless" I lost Stephen That is the only story that repeats in my head. Thank goodness music can still reach my soul and console me

Music and my reading messages from my Indigo family enrich my spirit :rolleyes:

I hope you all have a Blessed day I am off to the NJ shore for a time

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Oh Rhonda, thanks, and beyond Dr.Debbie, I called Karen today, she is the therapist I saw first when I had Erica, having a girl brought out all of my worries of protection. (I was sexually abused all my life) and then went back to her when I felt my marriage in trouble, then I went back when I decided to divorce, and again when Eri died. I stayed for 2 years When I went back with Erica's death, felt ready to go on without help but hit the Post traumatic wall at around 4 years, and went back for a time. Now, at 8 years, I seem to be heading back to Karen, thankful that she is there for me to return to and terribly sad that I feel this fragile right now. I have not felt this fragile in a long time and that makes me feel dependent when I have strived and worked my whole life to be independent. So I must take the advice that I have so often doled out, that if you need a doctor for a medical issue, would you not go because it changed your independence? No, you would go so as to regain your strength and move forward. When I called Karen today, it was after a very anxious couple of hours and so much anxiety yesterday that I wept on the phone when she called me back. I had left her a message as I was taking a power walk, she called back and just hearing her voice, just admitting that I need help, made me weep.

You mentioned Sylvester and the Magic Pebble, my favorite book one that made me cry and caught me quite off guard the first time I read it and every time since. I even have the Sylvester puppet. He unzips and a gray parachute material comes out of him in which to cover him for the part when he becomes the rock. Oh how I love that book. I do a lot of storytelling, and that is always the first story I tell when I am invited to tell stories.

Betty, the rides and the quiet are good for my soul but apparently I am in need of some healing that I cannot get from within. I do love riding though, and I am glad taht you have music to tame your aching soul.

I just got done tutoring a boy that I LOVE> he was in my class only since February, his daddy died two years ago adn Momma is in a rehab hospital, maybe dying. Poor little beautiful boy. And thank heavens for his big sister for the care she shows him and his many siblings.Later today I am taking a girl who is now 14, to the art institute as promised. She won me in the carnival ticket of choice back in february, each year I auction a trip to the museum of art and lunch for one student and a friend. I had this student when she was 8 and 9. What I would liek to do is curl upunder the river birch adn sleep, but we set this date a while ago. It should be lovely, I am just tired from anxiety sleeplessness.

A poem that came out of me today, quite sad but true for this moment-

I am an empty vessel.

I am a dry riverbed right now, just stones and wisps of once greened plants, dry and forlorn, windblown and forgotten.

I am a place that feels barren and isolated by all that has been lost and while much had been cultivated and grown in that space, in that time, it feels beyond my grasp now.

I can’t see it through the salt-river that runs from me.

I feel like that hollow stem I spoke of when she first left, the stem of a dahlia, hollow and stiff.

Tension coursing through me like a white water, and killing everything in its path-caustic river.

I know that I will not always be as I am now, one day I will be green again, with purpose-

filled with life and hope again, and the dust will be swept away by a cleansing breeze of rebirth, of new starts, I will shake free,

but today, yesterday too, perhaps for a bit of time, I am a dry riverbed with nothing to offer.

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103-104 TODAY AND MONTY TEXT AND SAID HE WANTS TO TAKE THE BOAT OUT TONIGHT....OH GOD HELP ME...GONNA DIE...

MY GRASS IS BROWN...IT IS DRY AND MISAERABLE WE ALSO HAVE HIGH HUMIDITY AROUND 60-80%...

THAT WRECK I TOLD YAL OF, WOUND UP BING MY FRIENDS DAUGHTER SHE IS DOING WELL ALMOST EVERYONE IS DOING WELL BUT THE LIL GIRLS MOM THEY THINK WILL NEVER BE THE SAME...HEARD THEY HAD TO TAKE 1/2 OF HER BRAIN OUT ...SAD....

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hi all, two pics for now...

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post-261428-0-65086600-1309305561_thumb.

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Guest msnher

Just popping in to wish everyone a peaceful night's rest. If not a full night of peace then a moment or two at least.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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so the photos were from the garden the other day, a swallowtail stopped by to drink from an asian lily. The yellow house from the deck point of view.

I am feeling spent but more relieved that I will go for some assistance tomorrow.

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I love my Kindle-always need to be reading something so I can escape...I've found some free and inexpensive books. I probably save money considering all the overdue library fees I always had.

Thinking of everyone...

Amy/Ashley's mom

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These are golden yarrow against yellow house. This yarrow is from my home before we married, over 12 years ago.

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Amy, have you read The Help? So good. About the 1960's in the south and how the domestic help was treated. Powerful stuff.

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Guest msnher

I'm glad you suggested "The Help" to Amy, Dee. I downloaded it immediately on kindle a few minutes ago. It's the kind of book one stays up until they've finished reading it. However, I've taken something to help me sleep and I can't keep my eyes open any longer. I had to laugh when I licked my finger to turn the page, realizing I am, indeed, drugged and already half asleep. I had to read a few sentences before I realized the writing isn't bad spelling or grammar, it's the way Aibileen speaks. :) Nite all.

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My dear Indigo friends

I went to my first Compassionate Friends meeting in 3 years on Monday. It was a totally different experience then it was 3 years ago. I was able to seperate my emotions from the raw emotions of the newbies. I really feel I can help those people.

Jackie came to the Compassionate friends meeting. She created a thread "I do not know if I can make it through this" I ask that my friends on BI welcome her. She is having a tough time, so new to this journey and her husband is the step-dad - he does not relate to her pain. I know my friends here will come through for her like we have for so many.

Summerfest starts today in Milwaukee. The largest outdoor music festival in the world. My husband loves summerfest - I like it for the people watching.

Dee - So sorry you find yourself hurting. But like you said - take your own advise. We are all dependant now, I am dependant on my friends her on BI. I would be so far from where I am now if I did not have you guys to help me through.

Wisconsin is finally seeing a summer. It hit 84 yesterday - OMG!!! That is a great improvement from the 60's we have been seeing.

Love to all my friends here.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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Wanted to sign on to say hello to everybody so "HELLO"

Wishing you all well.

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congrats Col, I am very glad taht you are helping out in this venue and at Compassionate Friends. We will welcome whomever you bring to us and surround them with our energy knowing that place that they have landed. Happy summerfest, and yes, it is warm again. I was downtown yesterday with Courtney, a former student, walking along the busy streets and into the Art Institute, it was lovely outside, perfect at 81 degrees. Getting hot hot out Friday near 100, thanks a lot Lorri for sending us that heat. Hope you cool down though. Sus, I think that you will love that book and I giggled that you dampened your finger to turn the page of your kindle. When you read it, let me know what you think.

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I am an empty vessel.

I am a dry riverbed right now, just stones and wisps of once greened plants, dry and forlorn, windblown and forgotten.

I am a place that feels barren and isolated by all that has been lost and while much had been cultivated and grown in that space, in that time, it feels beyond my grasp now.

I can’t see it through the salt-river that runs from me.

I feel like that hollow stem I spoke of when she first left, the stem of a dahlia, hollow and stiff.

Tension coursing through me like a white water, and killing everything in its path-caustic river.

I know that I will not always be as I am now, one day I will be green again, with purpose-

filled with life and hope again, and the dust will be swept away by a cleansing breeze of rebirth, of new starts, I will shake free,

but today, yesterday too, perhaps for a bit of time, I am a dry riverbed with nothing to offer.

Dee.. I just have to tell you that your writing hit me in my soul. It is me as I have been for so long and fear how long it will go on. I am sorry your in this place but your words help me so much, Thank you

I am still here.. still reading.. still praying.. I talk to God a lot and sometimes think it falls on deaf ears, and I talk to the angels.. my heart is with you all even in my silence, I want to cry and still find no tears... I feel hollow I struggle not to give up.. I am with you each step with angelversaries, birthdays, anniversaries, happy days, and sad days... all days thanks for being here when I can be

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westleysmom

Leah and Lynn-So good to see you both and your beautiful angel's faces.

Colleen-I posted on the other thing to your friend Jackie, I hope I didn't ramble too much. I haven't attended a CF meeting although my friend Jenny used to and gave me some information about the one nearest us, which is still an hour away.

Dee-I'm glad you have Karen to talk to and hope that you are able to regain your balance as you approach the time of the year that brings on so many memories that tear your heart apart. I liked your poem too. Last night I was talking to CJ on the phone and he told me that he really likes working with my husband and his crazy crew. That he has Westley's picture as the wallpaper on his phone and he feels so close to him when he's at work with them. He's doing the same work Westley did and working with the same guys for Westley's Dad. I had to stuff my fist in my mouth so he wouldn't know how close I was to breaking down. Sometimes it just hits you hard, you know? So anyway, I loved the yellow of the house. Yellows are hard to tell, sometimes they come off neon, but I really like the yellow and gray. Hugs

Susannah-Kindle sounds neat, but I am waiting a little longer. Sometimes I'm like Betty and just can't read for thinking that what the hell am I doing, my son is gone and I'm reading a BOOK?

Betty-I'm glad that music gives you something to hold on to.

Amy-Hope you are doing okay.

It sounds like its summer everywhere now (except for where Trudi is) so I hope you are all staying as cool as you can and enjoying the pretty weather.

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Rhonda - You can never ramble when you try to help someone through this grief. Thanks

Scott and I went to Compassionate Friends twice when Brian was first killed. The pain I left with was unbearable. It took me weeks to recover from the meetings. Now, it is different. I am able to seperate myself from their pain. My brain seems to allow me to do that.

As far as reading - For the first 1.5 years, I too could not read. I could not even follow a recipe. I could do nothing that required concentration. I could, however, read books on loss - I was a sponge when it came to those kind of books.

Now, I enjoy reading, I am able to concentrate. I do some cooking now also. I can follow a recipe without getting tired just reading the ingredients portion. It amazes me how far I have come sometimes, but I have tried really hard. The underlying sadness and the "What would Brian look like, be doing now, etc." still stabs me in the heart. I have come to the conclusion that thinking of the what-if's is a place I need to visit every once in a while, but I cannot stay there. I must come out of that gloom and live again.

Without my Beyond Indigo Friends, I would not be near as far along in this process. I just want to pass this love forward to those new to this journey. Give them hope, like I was given hope.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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Guest msnher

Leah - You are a beautiful soul. You remain a source of inspiration to me...I am inspired by the writing of the river bed. A dry riverbed. What a story it tells.

As for reading, I couldn't read at all until the last few months. I couldn't even read about how to get through grief, other than reading all your words. I could and did read every near death experience I could get my hands on, however. Now I read for enjoyment as well as well as information. I never thought that would happen again. Ever so slowly the things I once enjoyed doing are returning.

Colleen - You are a good friend!

Lynn - Hello! (Waving and smiling) Good to see Kayla's face...beautiful angel!

Dee - I love the color of your house! Makes me wish I had a yellow house with white trim. I am loving "The Help". I had to catch myself this morning because I was drifting into character and began talking like Minni....I'm only on chapter two...going to get back to reading now. Do you ever do that - drift into the personality of the characters you're reading? In foster homes my books were my escape and I guess I sometimes find it hard to pull myself back to reality. It's humorous to me now, when I do that, then it was discouraging to leave the story behind and come back to mine.

Oh....my mind just went blank. Someone asked about my health. I have contacted a nurse practitioner but have decided I would rather take a healthier/holistic approach which means drinking water, mild exercise and going to my energy healer as well as meditation.

Much love, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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hi my sweet peeps.....hope you all had a good w/e....i did go out with my hubby on saturday...took a drive out in rural north carolina and found a fun looking swimming hole called the 'bullpit' didn't go in, but sat and watched the kids swim in the muddy waters of the river...it was a nice day, not too hot, nice breeze. then drove around a bit to site see, then out to eat in davie county, dined outside and then home again. it was a nice 'date' with my special someone.

i am still working on my memorial table. i have to take it slow.....it saddens me greatly that i even have to do this, (want to do this) but realize this shouldn't even be taking place at all. the last 3-4 weeks have been in kind of a hole...my husband says he has been feeling the same way. i am glad we are in the same place. makes it easier for us to talk when we are feeling the same.

i went in to work on some insurance paperwork for the office manager....i locked myself away in the office so no patients could find me and did a little bit of work that needed to be done to spare terri the time and pain of doing it herself. it is just time-consuming and we have a BCBS inspection coming up, so jim thought it would be nice of me to help out and do something in the office without pt. contact. i did it and it wasn't as painful being there as i thought it would be. so yeah for me, i did it.

i miss my boy so much ...seems like more every day that passes. my heart aches and my head hurts. i wonder, is this my life from now on? i can't stop the pain, and i suppose nothing will ever stop it. this is the life that was chosen for me, not by me. i hate it and now i have to find a way to live with it...sad, but true.

take care all....i think of all of you all the time. this path we walk is lonely, but i have you to walk with me. love, diane

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just wanted to reply on "the help"....it was written where i grew up...jackson, Mississippi....it wasn't quite as it was written....some of the book was fiction, and just wanted you to know. i read it, too, and was appalled at some of what was in the book. there may have been some super rich people who actually treated their 'help' like the book says, but i can assure you, that we had a wonderful lady that helped us part-time and we loved her dearly....she was well-paid and treated well. i didn't like the book because of how it dipicted us. i really wasn't happy with the author of that book. just wanted to throw in my two-cents worth about that book. but, everyone has their opinion... so, you can take it with a grain of salt and as mostly fiction, or whatever you decide...but i am a true southern girl, and do know something about the deep south.

diane

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Oh Diane, I know that it was a book of fiction. Realistic fiction for some. My aunt Gerri and Uncle Harry were from Georgia, and I was appalled at the blatant prejudice at restaurants and at their own dinner table. I loved visiting, but some of what I saw made me painfully aware of the absolute division of two races. I do agree however, of course there are many folks that were perfectly wonderful to their help, and caring and paid the help well. The facts are the facts however, blacks were mistreated for a long long time, and that they were the help in the first place is what the concern is.

I bet it was pretty where you grew up. I love the smell of plants growing which is what I remember clearly from Georgia.

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dee...so true....some things in the south were so terrible....i am so thankful that my parents taught me better....my daughter in law is black, actually is from haiti....a lovely, wonderful, loving girl. i am grateful that there is no prejudices in my family. but, it is true, there were some injustices in the south and it was a sad time 'back then' for some. it makes me sad to even think about it.

diane

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Guest msnher

Well said, Dee. You are too kind, Diane, to believe you or your family would mistreat another human being. I have not thought of this book as anything but fiction. But as Dee said, it rings true for all too many people. While this book is fiction I appreciate the honesty, openness and courage of the author. There are states (Texas for one) who want to rewrite our history curriculum for our children with the hope of presenting a "cleaned up" version. They want to make the slave trade sound prettier, make the stealing of land from the Indians more pleasant. At least you don't live in Wyoming. When I tell someone where I'm from they immediately think of Matthew Sheppard or Dick Cheney or the corruption of the oil industry. Some people still expect to see cowboys and indians shooting it out with bows and arrows and pistols.

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Diane, I am glad that what I said was not offensive to you and yes Sus, there are many that do want to rewrite history. In many ways, we learned a rewritten version, especially about Columbus and his treatment of Natives. I teach some from a curriculum that sets out to dispel the lies about that time, it is anti Columbus but I do teach the kids that Columbus was a very brave man and a navigator, and that his original goals were good, and taht he did prove the world was not flat, but that his conduct aboard ship and in the new land was appalling. We were taught that he was purely a hero, that he could do no wrong. Diane, I do love the south, bad things did happen but they continue to happen right here in my neighborhood and all across the land. Prejudice and segregation continue, just on a different level.

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Sus, forgot to say thanks about the house color. I love it! It is a happy color, it is like warm sunshine.

I went to therapy today, first time back in years, it was good to see Karen, good to sit in her pretty office and let my tears flow. I first went to her when I was 28 years old upon the birth of Erica. My how she and I have met and worked at different points in our lives. I am very lucky to have her in my life, she helps me heal.

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Guest msnher

Thinking of you all this early a.m.

Dee - I read the poem you wrote when Leah posted it and just now read the post you put it in. "I am a dry riverbed with nothing to offer". Sweet Dee you cannot help but give. Sharing your pain and beautiful poetry with truth and sincerity gives me more than words can say. I wish I could find the words you so poignantly wrote about the layers of this journey (this whole life) unfolding in its own seasons. More jagged edges that drain the energy out of one's core. I am glad you have gone back to see Karen and I am glad you come here and share yourself so freely with all of us. This time is bound to be a bit rocky. You have survived so much in your lifetime with Eri's death being the catalyst. I wish I were there so I could sit with you under one of your trees, sipping tea, and just "be". I have put you on the top of my priority list sending you light energy and love. A dry riverbed is a beautiful site to behold; a story of strength, courage and loss. I pray you a gentle rain of comfort and invite you to rest as you soak in light and love to replenish what this layer of the onion takes from you.

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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Good Morning Indigos

Just returned from the NJ Shore Weather is fantastic. Walking the beach, painting wicker furniture talking about the "Old Days" rejuvenates my soul With no Internet connection I do miss you all.

Dear Dee Thanks for posting the picture of your newly painted home The color is wonderful- cheerful like the sun. It suits you. Leah and Sus,are correct your poem is magnificent. I do believe it expressed somewhat how I feel in the depths of my being. It does explain why I cannot find any interest or solace in Reading , TV or Movies. Your poem has HOPE I do hope I can get to that some day.

Lorri Please try to stay cool :unsure:

Trudi, Rhonda, Sherry, Diane, Betsy , Colleen, and all Indigos have a peaceful 4th of July weekend

I

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Betty, glad taht you find solace in painting wicker and being at the shore. How nice that you have that quieter place to be. I do think that you will feel hope one day, and I think that you probably have glimmers of it when you listen to music and take walks in Central Park. I wish you hope.

Sus, thanks for your compliments, I guess I am rather an open book to my emotions, figure that is the only way I have to let others know that we all grieve in some way or another and in that we find our hearts again. We jigsaw them back together and while we are sure that they will never beat the same, they still beat, we are still here and there is a reason for it.

Leah, how dear to see you here, and thanks, that poem ran out of me with my tears the other day, leading me to call Karen to find some time to get some balance. Please come back Leah, I have missed you.

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Hello everyone,

It's been awhile since my last post. We are living with my in-laws til our house is finished, maybe 8-9 months. My PC is in storage and I have to use my father in-laws so I am not able to write very often. Thanks to everyone for the fathers day wishes. As with the other holidays the buildup was worse than the day. The pain is underneath very shallow and does not emerge as often but it still feels so fresh and new. I got a call from the funeral home today, Marleys death certificate arrived. The first copy had the wrong death date! My heart hurts so much, I still don't believe she is gone. All that goes through my mind every moment of every day is how much I love and miss my little baby. I only had her for 5 months and now I have to hurt and miss her for the rest of my life.....it just is not fair. I am stronger now than before but I am still shattered. Putting the pieces together will be a life long process. A patient of mine told me about her grandmother who lost a baby and that the day she passed away all she thought about was her baby. I can't wait til I can rejoin my Marley in heaven but I hope the pain of my loss does not haunt me til my last breath. Daddy loves you Marley.

CJ

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Guest msnher

Hi Everyone.

Good to see a post from you, CJ. It is unfair, Marley's dad, that you only had your baby for five months but will hurt and miss her the rest of your life. The only comfort I can find is I believe you will be with her again. What feels like eternity to us is a hiccup in time. Getting her death certificate is a painful, surreal experience. I'm so sorry you have to feel the depth of such pain.

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Good Day my Indigo friends!!

WOW, summer is here in Wisconsin. Warm today and HOT tomorrow, but I am not complaining. Scott has 1/2 day off tomorrow. Kohl's usually does that when Monday's are holidays. I have to work all day, but I work close to Lake Michigan. Scott will take the bus to Summerfest and I will join him and park my car near-by.

Our family does not have any big plans for the 4th of July weekend. Scott is going to Summerfest again on Sunday. I may go to Bradford beach by myself and lose myself in the sand, water and a good book. Sometimes, I enjoy doing things by myself, on my own time with no-one rushing me. Just me and my angels.

Aaron's senior pictures came in - OMG are the packages expensive, but the pictures are good quality. Aaron is not as photogenic as Michelle is. Therefore some pictures he looks half asleep. That is my boy.... We have to select several poses and sizes of pictures. I enjoy this, AJ could care less.

Much talk here about the race relations. I guess I can come forward and tell you that my daughter Michelle has been dating a black man - Michael for 2 months now. At first, you could have knocked me over with a feather. But he is a great young man. Hard not to like him. Educated, and he works as a social worker reuniting families with there kids - when possible. I grew up where the "N" word was used like any other word. I just want Michelle to be happy and be with someone who will help her to be the best person she can be. Michael seems to be doing that. I met his parents - married for 30 years. His Mom is a strong women who raised her 2 sons well. I really like her and her husband. So that is my story. I am ashamed of how I felt when I first met him, but I am determined to judge this man by his character and not his color.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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Cheryl---Thanks for posting the poem....."I am There". A very sweet & gentle message.

Dee---Thanks for the lovely pics of your nice yellow house, and the lilies w/ swallotail. You

are a very good photographer. Also, thanks for the poem you wrote. I think that each and

every one of us has felt that way early on, and years into this journey. The timeline of our

loss has nothing to do with the feelings that we feel. We also have a big stand of golden

yarrow, sometimes called cornmeal yarrow, in our backyard. I'm busy picking the few black

raspberries that ripen each day. I freeze them, and am saving up for a pie. I have nearly

enough now......just a couple more pickings. I, too, am always reading a book, and like to

have one waiting, fo start next. Thinking about you now, as the days leading

up to ERi's angel day nears. Peace & prayers, friend.

Rhonda----I, so know what you mean about seeing West's favorite toys/books etc. They are

such sweet sorrow to look at , and remember when our dear children played with them....

things that meant so much to a child, and that now, mean so much to us. I still have Dave's

little stuffed monkey with only one ear....(the other got worn off, and the one remaining is

moth-eaten),....along with his books he loved as a child.

Betty------I understand that you cannot seem to concentrate on reading books. Music, however,

is a wonderful solace to the heart. I, too, was unable to concentrate on reading after Dave's

death,....for some time. I loved to read,...but when I picked up a book, and started reading, I had

the same response as you......"this is so meaningless.....so unimportant'. As years went by, I

did come back to reading, but music is also a source of comfort to me. I listen to Christian music

on the radio.

Leah----Good to see you on BI.

Lynn---Also, Good to see Kayla's smile.

PEACE TO ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Brendan's Daddy

Hi everybody. I wanted to stop in say hello. I never stop thinking about all of you and praying for you all. We have been so busy the last few weeks. I have very little time at a computer these days. July 15th we close on our house. So far so good. Our 35 year old "Forever House" has passed all inspections. Now we just wait until July 15th to officially close. We closed on our lot today. Hopefully if all goes well we will break ground on our new home in late August or early September. Tomorrow it is supposed to be 96 degrees. I guess we picked a good day to move. We are all packed up and waiting to move tomorrow. We should be in our new apartment Friday night. Tonight will be our last night in our old house. It will be a rough night. It is so hard to look at Brendan's empty room. There is not a thing in his bedroom right now. I think the emptiness is worse than when I had to stare at his empty bed.

The roller coaster of emotions continues. There are little parts of some days where I feel like maybe just maybe I can figure out how to get through this nightmare. Then a day like today rolls around and I feel like I will never ever be happy again. It is days like today when I just feel lost and have no hope. Like I just don't want to be here any longer. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I have no energy and no motivation today. I just want to cry and sleep. July 4th is coming soon. That day was one of my favorites. We would go up north to the lake every year and Brendan loved the 4th. This 4th of July we will be without our Brendan for 7 months.

Yesterday afternoon we put up a new scoreboard at one of our parks. Michele and I donated this in memory of Brendan. I thought it would help us smile, but when it went up I was in tears. Still in disbelief that we are doing things to help remember our son. Such a long and painful journey.

I hope you all have a great July 4th.

Brendan's daddy - Tony

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Hi Everyone,

CJ and Tony the parallels in your lives are amazing and sad. How unusual that two people from one site are moving or have just moved, and are awaiting a new home. I hope that you both take us with you in your day to day while the upheavel of moving adds to the angst and heartache. We are holding onto you both and your families knowing tha tyouare taking the bravest steps to do what you are doing.

Tony, no hope today but please know that you will again have hope in you. FOr what it is worth, the scoreboard fills the dreams of many a child when they play ball at the Brendan Dobson Park, being able to have such a great place to play ball and learn about team spirit. The team spirit must be strong there with such a mighty little angel blessing the space.

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106' IN MY CAR TODAY...TOOO DANG HOTT...I DONT NO HOW PPL WORK IN THE HEAT....BIZZY DAY AT KOURTNEYS KLOSET...HELPED MANY KIDS....SOME DAYS WE HAVE PPL SOME DAYS WE DONT...BUT WE DO WHAT WE DO...

HOPE EVERYONE IS STAYING COOL...IM TRYING TO

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Yikes on that kind of heat Lorri. Today got pretty steamy and tonight as soon as I stepped out to take my after-dinner-walk, big raindrops plopped from the sky, but you could tell taht it was not ready to rain a long rain, just a cloud burst. The sky was pretty, dark purple gray to the east and bright orange sun in the western sky. Gorgeous. It does feel like a storm, the wind is kicking some, but who knows. Tomorrow, as Colleen has stated, we are to have near 100 degrees. My thoughts on that? I think that it is my cue to go shopping. I need a pair of shoes to wear to a wedding, forgot that the old black pumps I have are really worn looking, even with a polish, soooo...plus I need new power walking shoes...oh yes, a plan in the making.

Sherry, thanks for your thoughts, yes approaching the dates is something you and I have been doing for some time and it still kicks me in the guts and knocks the wind of me. I know that I was anxious last year, but this year, for whatever reason, I am wobbly. I do however feel much more at ease today knowing that I am going to see Karen again, and that it feels okay to do so. I feel good and relaxed now.

Col, have fun you and Scott at the fest tomorrow. And enjoy the beach if you go. I too love a day or two or so all alone with nobody to tell anything to in particular.

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Well that storm I spoke of maybe coming hit hard within about 15 minutes after being here last. We have storm warnings, but my eyes need to shut. The wind is kick-butt wind. HOpefully, no damage, no power outages. Fingers crossed.

Sleep well All, somehow know that your Angel is smiling on you because no matter what, you will always be their parent, beloved and golden to them.

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So glad that you liked it Sus, have you read the Poisonwood Bible? by Barbara Kingsolver? Amazing. I read it a few years ago, it is thick, but you read quickly. It took me a long while, loved it!

What about the Elegance of the Hedgehog?

Water for Elephants?

In the Time of the Butterflies?

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Annette123

Hi everyone!

I don't usually post on this forum as I lost my Grandson Marley who was 6 years old. It is over 6 months since he is gone, it still is so hard to believe he's not here. I saw his mum and brother on Sunday. They stayed for lunch. It was good to see them - I have not been in contact with my daughter for about 3 months as I couldn't bear it. However it was nice to see Marley's little brother, but so hard because he is at an age - 15 months - that Marley would have loved to play with him. I am back at work doing 30 hours a week and seem to be coping. It's just because I work from home as a childminder all of Marley's things are around me. It's hard to comprehend that he will never play with his toys again or wear his clothes, but I can't bear to put them away, or let the other children use them. The only place I get comfort is the cemetery, I have even started tidying up other graves near to Marley's that have not been looked after. I read other posts on here from people who have lost children and they seem to be able to cope and enjoy (if that's the right word) life again, but for me I don't feel like anything holds my interest and I am just surviving, not living. I go to a councellor once a week and that seems to help for a while and then something triggers off the tears again. Marley loved playing in my garden and now the weather is fine and sunny he's not here. How do you get through this? Why did this happen? Questions just go over and over in my mind. I love you Marley.

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Annette,

I have read your posts before on another thread. Please do not get discouraged, because it seems others are moving forward and you may not be. I have been on this grief journey for 3 years now and yes, we have learned to smile again, but the loss and missing of my 16 year old son, Brian will never go away.

6 months is not very long on this journey and the fact that you have gone back to work and are trying to get back into society is a good thing. Hurray for you!!!

You too will be able to smile again, but not without alot of work. Happiness does not come running down the stairs to us anymore - we have to find it. We have to find happiness in the smallest of things. Flowers blooming, sun rises or sun sets - things we took for granted before.

This is a new life, we are all stuggling, but with the help of our friends here, we are learning to live again and you will too. Just be kind to yourself. I do not know the relationship between you and your daughter, but who better to talk to then someone who has been through it. You two may be able to help each other through this.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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My Indigo Friends,

It is going to be HOT and HUMID today, but we are going to Summerfest anyway. I do not mind crowds and Scott loves music and beer - especially when served together.

I called Jackie last night, as she lives in the Wisconsin area. I have no dought that Jackie will survive this and in a few years, help other parents who have lost a child.

Jackie - I am so glad you feel no guilt from the death of your Michael. I did feel guilt for a long time, but after 2 years of banging my head against the wall, I finally realized, I would not have done anything different.

My Brian had the world by the tail. He had 2 parents that not only loved him, but love each other. He had a nice home and many friends. Brian would tell me several times "Mom, I do not want to grow up, I am having too much fun." He was some kinda kid and I miss him more than words can say. But I am learning to live again. I do enjoy the wonderful memories we made together and I cherish the time I was allowed to be his Mother. I just love him.

I sure hope that all my Indigo friends can find some happiness this weekend. I know it is not easy, but if we try, I bet we can smile a few times this weekend.

Going to the Compassionate Friends meeting on Monday allowed me to see how far I have come in this grief journey. I was actually able to reach out to other newbies and tell them, "You will not feel this pain forever" It felt good to help others and to be able to hear their stories without taking on their pain. I could not do that before. Also, my guilt is gone. Now all I have to work on is forgiving those 2 boys. Not just for what they did to cause the crash that killed Brian, but for their attitudes during the court hearing and for never appoligizing for their role in Brian's death. But, some day, I will, because it takes too much energy from my brain to keep up this anger. Some day

Love to you all

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

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Guest msnher

Annette - I'm glad you found this forum. None of us were enjoying life again at six months. Please remember there is no timetable for grief. It's calling the shots right now. Please tell us more about your little grandson, Marley.

Colleen - It was so good to hear your voice yesterday. I'm sorry I had to cut our visit short. I hope you find some shade today. I love the words you share with all of us, especially the newer members. I didn't experience any guilt for Stephanie's death, I experienced guilt for her life. It seems that every mistake I ever made was slapping me in the face, kicking me in the gut, continually. That guilt seems to have found perspective and is now just a whisp now and then. That whisp can bring me to my knees but the getting up time is much quicker.

Dee - It's not that I'm a fast reader, I'm a MUST reader. I don't have enough discipline to put a good book down. That wasn't such a problem before the kids came to live with us. I had the time. I have glanced at "Water for Elephants" several times, maybe it's time for me to read it. As for The Help, I didn't think it painted a bad picture of Mississippi, Diane. I especially appreciated the author's comments in the back of the book about Mississippi, where she is from. Gosh, I would like to see her write a sequel. I want to know what happens to Celia....I think Minnie and her children should go live in her guest house adding children to their lives. I want to know what happens to Aibiline, Yula May. I want to know what happens to Skeeter. What about Mae Mobley....she could write a whole book about her alone. So many avenues she could take to keep the story going...the Whitworths. Two slice Hilly. Yes, I fall into the stories I read. I'll be judging myself against Minni and Aibiline for days....cooking and cleaning. LOL

I'll check back with y'all later. Be gentle with yourselves!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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Good Morning Indigos

The sun is shinning and there is a cool breeze blowing in my window. Heading to a concert in the park and will pack a picnic Never did these things before but now that I MUST recreate myself I am giving it a try. :blink:

Us and Colleen . Speaking I know that I loved Stephen with my entire heart and soul, I would have given my life for him He knew that and that was certainly enough I miss him each and every day :)

To all the new members come here often, read, post it really does help You are not alone

Have a gentle day everyone

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hi everyone....

i took another baby step today. i went to the office for 2 whole hours and worked on charts for BCBS's inspection coming up in 2 weeks. i closed myself in my husband's office and it went ok. didn't have to face any patients, so that made it ok. it is still hard to get out, and even harder to go to the office. can't explain it, but today i did this. i lack energy, so even this small amount of work has worn me out and i am ready to get comfy and get in my bed for a while. what have i become? used to be so full of energy, independent, strong and now i have succumbed to this. grief just takes everything away from you...i wonder if nathan knows this? did he even think about what he would do to me when he left me 23 weeks ago today. oh, how i miss him....i tell him all the time, but i wonder, does he hear me?

i can turn around and see where i was just 1 or 2 months ago and see where i am now...i think i can go on, but i don't know what quality of life i am living. a decent day, then another few days of those sharp, bitter pains rage again. what and who am i? i have no idea. i wish i did, but right now, i don't really care. i just don't.

hope you all have a good 4th weekend. i have no celebrations planned, but i am so hopeful that my new grandson will arrive this weekend...the due date is july 5th, so we will see.

i am glad i can come here and read, even if i am not in the posting mood....so thanks to all for the words and the hearts full of love. it does help. really, it does. diane

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Annette123-----I'm so sorry for your loss, and wish to welcome you here at BI (Beyond Indigo, formerly called).

I wish I never had to welcome anyone to this type of site, or to be here myself.....but when one loses a beloved

person/child/grandchild/ friend etc., we need all the help & support we can find. This is a good site, and everyone

here knows the pain you are suffering now. Please come back. Peace & prayers.

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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sus....i thought about the book long after reading it...there could be many avenues to write sequels to that one....it would be interesting to find out ...i actually grew up in jackson, mississippi, so most of what was in that book, i knew exactly what and where she was talking about, neighborhoods and all.

to all the newbies here...i am sorry for your losses....this is one hard journey and you will need these wonderful, caring, loving people to help you get through each second, minute, hour, day, week, month....how i am finding out how important it is to be here. even if i can't always post, i sure do read and it helps me focus on trying to breathe, and just knowing that i am supposed to be here for a reason i haven't exactly figured out why yet, but i think i am supposed to be here for a little longer. no matter how hard it is, i am at least getting out of bed now.

please keep coming to this site and talking. it will help you. these are the most wonderful people i've ever encountered, even if for all the wrong reasons. they have been super supportive and encouraging, even on my worst of days.

i think of each and every one of you every day....and wish you peace. i am still looking for it and someday, i hope to find it, too.

love, diane

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mikesmomrs

Hi all: just stopping in to say hello and wish everyone a good weekend. I know that some of us are going to be exposed to celebrations, and some of us just are not ready for that...recognizing which is the right thing for us is sometimes hard to do, especially ifyou have family and/or friends who are urging you to go...they just don't understand the difficult with such things, and hopefully never will.

We are not planning anything other than maybe going to the fireworks somewhere, maybe to Friendly's for a hamburger. Jamie, Kameron and Damon are here today to go to the pool, but they are not staying the night....I am just not up to it right now. I am not sick or anything, but things have been hectic these past couple of weeks and we just need a break.

Colleen: Reading your posts lifts my heart...I am so happy that you are recognizing the advances you've made and are will to share them with others new to this journey. I hope that you and Scott have a wonderful time at the fest.

Dee: Holding you close and sending strength and love as you return to your therapist and regain the strength you need for this journey. I am so glad that you have someone you can talk to who you feel comfortable with.

Diane: Those baby steps you are taking are what we need to do when we are in the early stages of this journey, and sometimes even when we are further along down the road...setbacks occur, no denying that, but each time we suffer a setback, I think we are able to see that it is a little easier to regroup than it was before. So glad that you were able to go to work for a bit to help out.

I haven't done much reading since Mike died. I used to read a lot, and I do love to read, but I just can't concentrate and keep at it. I think it was Colleen who said that she couldn't even follow a recipe at first, and I am pretty much like that still, regarding concentration. I can remember when I would go into a supermarket (when I was finally able to do that), I would just get a handbasket and stand in front of the frozen food cases, swinging the empty basket, until I would finally give up and just put the basket back and go home. I can now follow a list, but making it can be a lengthy process. I did do a lot of reading of grief-related books at first, and I truly believe they helped a lot. Reading of others' experiences, just like being on this board, is a tremendous help. Speaking of which, I have a few books that I know longer need to keep around and if anyone is interested, I would be happy to send them.

they are:

Love Never Dies...a mother's journey from loss to love, by Sandy Goodman. Very good.

Living When a Loved One has Died---this is a compilation of short articles relating other's experiences and how they coped. This one really helped with a few problems I had at first.

Saved by the Light: Dannion Brinkley...a true story of a man who died twice and the profound revelations he received. I have not read this one, so don't know enough about it to recommend or not.

90 Minutes in Heaven: I have read part of this, but never got to finish it...just couldn't concentrate enough. I've heard many say good things about it, though.

Anyway, If anyone is interested, please let me know and I will send them out.

Got to take the kids down to the pool. Take care all, thinking of you all, as always.

Betty: Have fun with the picnic...so good for you to be trying new things. "Recreating ourselves" is surely important on this journey. Want to share a funny from Damon: At the pool the other day, we had to get out of the pool for a bit for some maintenance. It took longer than expected, and we wound up sitting there for 15-20 minutes. Damon was so polite and good, just sat there, waiting patiently. I looked over at him and said "Damon you have a lot of patience." He said: "Yes, I do. Thank you." They he said: "except for when I am waiting for food...no patience for that. If I'm hungry, I am hungry now."

Annette: So very sorry for your loss of your precious grandson, Marley...so glad that you got to spend some time with your daughter and other grandson. Time. It takes time. Please share more when you are ready.

Jackie: I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet son, also. I am glad that you came here, as you will find much understanding and comfort here. The people on this board "get it" and are always here for each other. My son Mike died of brain cancer, in October of 2006. My brain tells me that it is almost five years ago, but my heart stands still, time dragging at times, speeding ahead at others. We are here, holding you close, as you grieve.

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Carol so good to see Mike shining out at us. Thanks for you well wishing, I am so much better than I was...just feel I took a load off my shoulders when I walked into Karen's office and admitted I needed to find ways to deal with my anxiety again. I took the vacation plans off the table for now and I feel a lot lighter by that alone. HOORAY!

Today is July 1st, 7 days from the date that changed our lives, the day eri was hit by the train, and the 14th when she died.

We are going to a wedding tomorrow, a little teacher I work with, she is tiny and she is Eri's age, 27. A delightful young lady and I am so happy she invited us. Many of the dearhearts I work with are Eri and Jonathan's ages, and it does delight me, keeps me in contact with women Erica's age adn that feels good you know?

Diane, your baby-steps really seem like big ones to me. I congratulate you on the work you did today. I hope that you are proud of your steps.

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