Loss of an Adult Child

[ericasmom]

Amy, I do hope that she was kidding, while overtime money is nice, the hours off are more valuable.

Lorri, you did not miss ERi's day because you were out having fun which is exactly what Eri would want everyone to do...have fun and worry not.

Sleep all, deeply and with sweet thoughts.

[charsng1234]

Well i made it another day! I tried something today that my phycatrist wanted me to do she asked me to live in the now the past put me in a form of depression the future gave me anxiety. I was driving and started panicking and told my self to breath I can do this just think of the moment just this one day. it was so hard but I did it shane would have been so proud of me. My sons friend called me today told me she was counting her till at work came across a $5 dollar bill that said this is shanes money twice!! She gave it to me I know he is there for all of us he had such a huge heart.. Diane I am going to hold on with you we will see it through this dark time in our life. I promise I am going to keep coming here to talk, vent and tell my storys just keep coming back to. Well thats all for today night Dee,Amy,lorri,tony,diane,amy,betsy,and all I have missed..shanes mom sharon.

[mikesmum]

Betsy - Yep no office door to bang on, no telephone to call or an iPhone app to connect to....The innocence in the young, I know what you mean....I see Mike in the grandsons ~ simpler times. Hearts to you and your brother at this time...never easy...

Sharon - you reflect what this site is all about. A place to express our hearts, to talk of our children, but above all else, to shine light in an otherwise dark place for others so they might find their way together with those who truly understand.

The realisation that we are not alone does so much. To find someone that you are able to physically meet with gives you another dimension to the strength that comes from the Indigo Family.

The strength for me became more evident when I met with Colleen (Brian's mum), Bonnie (Jason's mum) Marcia (Bethany's mum) Dee (Eri's mum) and of course Carol, the other Mike's mum. Those bonds formed here online still remain a great source of strength each time I venture out into the 'other world'.

To reach out in your darkest moments to hold the hand of someone else who needs that connection shows so much......

Peace out Indigos......take care of each other.....

[hotrod]

To reach out in your darkest moments to hold the hand of someone else who needs that connection shows so much......

Peace out Indigos......take care of each other.....

Trudie Well Said

Indigos I was visiting my sister the last few days. She brought out a home movie of her daughter's wedding. The wedding was in 2002 and Stephen was an Usher. Oh my how hard it was to watch. He was so there, his personality, his smile, his movements He was young, strong, healthy How could he be gone 5 years later?? Black hole opened for a time.

Sharon Great work Staying in the now it is hard work but down it truly helps.. There is a Sanskrit poem that says Look to this day it is life, " Yesterday is but a dream and tomorrow is only a vision BUT TODAY , WELL LIVED MAKES EVERY YESTEDAY A DREAM OF HAPPINESS AND EVERY TOMORROW A VISION OF HOPE so look well to this day." I guess every yesterday will not be a dream of happinesss but there are many that are Stephen's life waas much more than his last day. '

Betsy Thanks so much for sharing Laura's Service, the beautiful music and blue sky and that your brother has a support system All of that is a true Blessing. Denver's questions about Jesus were priceless. I do understand how you see handsome Rich in the little boys, I too see so many of Stephen's sweet actions in the small boys I see from time to time

Carol How special that your daughter received her confirmation in the Vatican from Pole John Paul I agree the grandeur and ceremony of a Cathedral truly touches my heart and spirit in such a magnificent manner.

.

Paul's mom I am glad that your friend Sheila contacted you and that you will be able to see each other and connect It is really a gift to be able to connect on the grieving journey

Dee I love the tribute that your friend will honor Eri with How special I am happy for you.

Sherry Weather is a bit warmer here today. Flowers are really opening and it is light until 8 PM. My little squirrel is gone. I had a small little burial for her today With her infirmity she managed to have a full enjoyable life. she was a trooper and I admired her love of life.

Amy I do believe everyone in the work force is stressed to the max. Just do what you can and remember that you need rest.

Brendan's dad, Sharon, Diane and all new Indigo,s keep coming here and sharing It helps. I also found walking was a great way to just get out and be in the world without having to interact

Colleen, hope yur weather supports you efforts to find a positivea eperience today

Have a good day Indigos.

[ericasmom]

Betty, I get what you mean about the black hole opening for a time, it does blast us at times and we find ourselves living with one foot in the past and one foot in the now, the double world thing. Hard to manuevere for too long. I hold you close as you find your footing.

Trudi, well said and so very true.

Late for work,,,

[lostwoher]

Hello Indigos. Just wanted to share a photo of what we did for Kayla. Sadly after getting it all put into place we were told by another Mom that clean-up would take place in 2 weeks and that all would be removed. Now it is packed into my vehicle until a later time.

It has been 32 months that my girl has been gone and I still dont have any words or advice to any of you newbies. I am glad you all have found this site and like all the others so very sorry you needed to. I dont post much but I read daily. Coming here is the best thing I could have ever done for myself.

[Guest msnher]

Good morning Indigo's;

I kept waking up every 30 minutes to make sure I got up in time to give my dog her 5:30 pill so they can check her blood at 11:30. Thyroid.

Tony - I began taking Pristique three months after Stephanie died. It works for me. I don't feel drugged and still feel all my feelings. Before the drugs I was drowning, couldn't breath and feeling all the pain of grief. After the drug I can at least tread water and catch my breath through the pain. My son got on the same drug and he hated it.

Betsy - I'm glad you were able to be there for your sister in law's funeral. What a cute story about the little grandson looking for Jesus' door. Both heartbreaking and heartwarming.

Betty - Those black hole moments. The ones that take you by surprise and leave you begging to see more. That's how it is for me when I come across or see a photo of Stephanie.

Carol - Thinking of you as you spend time with your sisters. Hope the weather's nice.

Trudy - How's your studies coming? You may have said and I don't remember...are you working towards a degree?

Did I read that at nine months we're supposed to take steps to begin rejoining life? No wonder my friends grew impatient with me. At one year I went to bed and stayed there for seven months. I feel like I've just begun to rejoin the living. Sometimes I'm not sure what to do with myself and am still uncomfortable just sitting in the living room reading or writing so I go back to bed where I've hidden for all these months. I can read and write in here without anxiety.

I guess if I would have had to work I would have found a way to do so, but I'm so grateful for the time I needed to recoup. Of course, it wasn't jsut Steph's death I was recoverying from...what the kids had been through...the legal battle...raising them...my sister's death and my mother's death just months before Steph's...yep, I needed to sleep.

Made me fat, but it was nice.

Love you all,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[lolynbo]

LYNN IT LOOKS GREAT...CAN YOU NOT PUT PRIVATE CARE AND DO IT YOURSELF?....NO ONE MOWS OR CLEANS FOR US...CALL AND FIND OUT IM SURE YOU HAVE THOUGH....SOOOO MANY DAYS HAVE PAST SINCE WE HAVE HEARD OUR BABIES VOICES....HUGGGS SISTER AND TO ALL OF US ON HERE .....

[andy88]

Good morning friends,

I'm so behind on reading, but I'm thinking of all of you

Tony - I am taking Zoloft and it's really helping me

Kayla's Mom - I love the picture. It looks so pretty!

Sharon - good for you for getting out and about!

I threw a party of one of Andy's friend's 21st birthday at my house last night. We had a really nice time, the kids had fun, we danced, sang, and shared lots of great Andy stories. The kids even cleaned everything up for me last night. They consumed 4 huge pizzas, 3 bags of chips, nachos, cake, and candy. There was no food left! Haha, it's amazing how much young kids can eat! It was really good for me. It was the first truly HAPPY day I've had since Andy died.

Wishing you all some small bit of happiness today. Thank you for all your support. It is helping me immensely, and I am very grateful.

With love,

Pam

[dwsmithrn]

sus...i'm reading 2 books, one on grief, and one on suicide...how to survive....and they BOTH say it takes at least 2 years to learn how to learn to readjust your life after losing your child. so, whatever we do in our life, is just what we do to survive, period.

i can't tell if the celexa is helping me or not...i still feel sad and i still cry all the time...well, not 24/7, but most of the time...if i wak at night, i cry, if i look at nathan's pictures and start talking to him, i cry, if someone calls and says something stupid, i cry, if, well, you all know, i just cry at the drop of a pin....i am just too sad that my boy is gone and it shouldn't have been that way.

paul's mom, the book on suicide has opened my eyes a bit, even though i still have to yell at nathan for leaving in this shape....but, there is a thing called psychache, and the person can't handle the kind of pain he is in...has no other thoughts of the people he is leaving behind....the book is "Dying to be Free"..it is hard to read when i am already upset, but it has also helped me understand nathan in alot of ways....

sharon, we will stick together and get through these darkest of days....

betsy, i'm sorry your family had to go through that loss, i hope you can support your brother as best you can....i have a brother named DENVER....so was my dad.....

my daughter is having a BOY...due july 5th....his first name will be william, nathan's middle name....i want him to look like nathan....but there are such strong genes on her husband's side, i'm sure he will look like that side, just like their little precious girl....i need to get excited, and i am, but my sadness still takes over my emotions....my face only has one side to it right now....maybe by then, i can turn it around, at least for a little while....

my world has stopped, but everyone else's world goes on.....that's the way i see it....

tony, i hope you are ok today...that is all we can ask of you today....one foot in front of the other....one moment at a time...we are happy to hear your stories and listen to whatever is on your mind.

i think of each and every one of you every single day....and hope for a better next minute, hour, day, night, tomorrow....our lives are forever changes in an instant, and no one knows like this group, here, at BI....so, i have to keep coming back, so i can hold on to this lifeline and hold on tight....just don't let go of me, because i know i would fall, and i can't fall.....

thanks, diane

[dwsmithrn]

pam...i am so glad that the party went well and you found some happiness.....i will find it sometime soon...maybe it will be with the birth of my new grandson....i hope something can help with the sadness in my heart...thanks for sharing your happiness with us...gives me hope that it's out there.

diane

[dwsmithrn]

lynn.....it looks so beautiful....i'm just sorry you had to take it all down....can you put it back after the 'clean-up'?

diane

[andy88]

Diane,

I truly hope you will find a bit of happiness when the new baby comes. How sweet and wonderful that he will have Nathan's middle name. I look forward to meeting up with you and you can tell me all about Nathan. Yes, I still cry every day too despite the Zoloft, but I think it helps take the edge off. I wish there was something that would be a magic cure.

With love,

Pam

[Crystal Rogerson]

Good morning all!

Sorry I haven't written in a few days (I read everyday). Telling you about Meg's ending really took it out of me. She has been gone 7 years and this is the first time that I FORCED myself to get out of bed on "that day". I didn't really have a choice, as I am at a job that I have only had since August and had no time off coming. It was mentally exhausting. When I got home I just crashed.

I am bi-polar and have been on meds for years, so I really can't offer any advice other than, if you try one and don't like it- try a different one. There is nothing wrong with having to medication to get through this.

Have been listening to a song by Bruno Mars called "Talking to the Moon". I hope you all have a chance to listen to it. The other thing is I heard a little snipit of the song that was played at Meg's funeral on a commercial. I immediately went to the computer and pulled it up on youtube. It's by Rusted Root and it's called "Send Me On My Way". When I heard it play at her funeral is all I could envision was her dancing up a rainbow, and smiling and laughing. It's such an upbeat tune and she use to listen to it all the time. When I saw the video, I couldn't believe what I was watching. The group is on a mountain top dancing and singing. Then an old Indian man comes into the frame with a child....all of a sudden the child has angel wings following this Indian man. ( Meg was Kickapoo Sioux on her dad's side, her grandfather being on the tribal council). I hope you will listen to these two songs.

I remember the first two years...is all I could do was cry, ALL THE TIME. The third year, I held it together better but just in a flash, something would set me off and I would cry for awhile. I used to hate the fact that I cried so much. Asking, "are these tears never ending???" will they ever stop". When I listened to Meg's song the other day, I had only one tear. A suffocated, barrel in my chest feeling, yet only one tear. What is this? I CAN"T cry for my daughter anymore? I'm so confused about this. From one extreme to the other.

I'm rambling, all over the place today. Sorry. I find it easy to advise others, but have no answers for myself. My husband has been getting after me to get more physical. As I used to hike, bike, swim. About every other day, I say "today I'm going for a walk". It never happens. Maybe today will be the day.

I am so thankful to have all of you here. I think Tony would agree that, even after the 2nd day of coming here, it was like "wow, a place that is safe, understanding, and they KNOW whats going on inside me.

To all of you I hope that I will eventually become a source of support for you. I'm a great listener (reader...ha ha). But for now thank you all for letting me spill my scattered thoughts.

Sending all good thoughts out to you and your angels.

Thanks for being here!

Crystal-Meg's mom

[shorty16]

Good Morning my friends,

We are finally getting warm in the morning and I get to go to work without a coat. WOW!!!!

As the day goes forward, I get a call from the VP at the HS that my son attends. Aaron got his phone taken away and is not happy about it. He swore at the teacher. We will have to deal with him when we get home. As far as the phone goes - they can keep it for a few days.

OOOOHHHH-the happiness never ends - does it.

If this is all I have to deal with today, I am doing pretty good.

Thanks Friends for listening.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[rlolheiser]

Just wanted to let you all know I am thinking of you... How I wish I had time to write my thoughts to each of you.. time is a precious thing right now.. which I don't have a lot of..

I stay busy, am still struggling with emotion as I don't have a lot.. still no tears, and that is concerning my son to much.. makes me wonder what I have done to him... I miss the occasional crying jag, it helped to get out all the frustrations..

When I took the grandson to the dr in my hometown, I went to JaBoa's grave site and placed a couple little bunnies.. it was so empty there, I don't think anybody had gone to it for awhile.. sure miss her.. little memories creep up now and then.. gives me hope I may not forget them all.

I hope you are all doing alright as you can be... sometimes it is good sometimes not so good... may you all have better days... and may we always feel the presence of our angels

[ericasmom]

To All, as far as no tears, that is just what happens for many at some point in the road, it does not reflect your missiing your Child, it only means that perhaps your body is reacting differently now, interpreting differently. Tears have always come easily for me, all my life, music that I love makes tears, (by the way, love Rusted Root music) and I cry with good things and bad all th etime. With ERi this many years later, I do not cry as readily or when I expect that I will, instead now, I can be talking about something and make a mere mention of something and be caught with tears without any warning whatsoever, not even a clogged throat or wabbly words, just all of a sudden. So our bodies and minds change and the old affects change with them.

Leah, good to see you here today.

Col, so glad that you have warmer weather, no phone for Aaron, learning a big lesson...

Lynn, Kayla's site looked so pretty, sorry that you had to pull it up for spring clean up. I often have that happen to us right after we decorate...

[ericasmom]

Pam, I am so glad that you felt joy with the party, that it was appreciated by those who attended and that today you are wearing the glow of that occasion. How dear.

[Guest msnher]

Diane - Thanks...

I went through a time when I didn't cry. It worried me, too. The pain was still there, but I was more like a walking zombie...going through the motions with little expression. Not to worry, the tears come back.

The real miracle to me is I don't hurt 24/7 anymore. Perhaps this is what acceptance feels like. There are times it still hits, but it doesn't seem to take me prisoner for as long anymore. Well, what do I know? It hasn't even been two full years, yet. I just know I feel real, honest joy lately. I feel it more often and it lasts for longer periods of time.

I never thought that would happen again. I hope that gives some of the newer parents hope.

I am hoping that this new peace will allow me to feel Stephanie's presence shen she was blocked by grief before.

Love to you!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[ericasmom]

Okay, have you ever seen anything cuter than these two...I am an elephant lover, my favorite creatures, these two are at the Houston Zoo.

[ericasmom]

I wanted to attach the video with the gorgeous music by Rusted Root, mentioned earlier by Meg's Mom I think, Rusted Root...It is a gorgeous song to play and I can see the beautiful relevance for your Girl's funeral...

[Guest msnher]

Dee - I LOVE them!

[mikesmum]

Diane - I read much in the first year on suicide, death of a child etc. I had always been a fan of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, having worked with cancer patients back in the '90s'. Yet none of it told me what I wanted to know....exactly when would Mike be back, when would I be 'normal' and why??

The psych I visit gently lead me through my first months/years. He never eluded to the length of this journey, always telling me it varied from person to person.

The study I'm doing is a degree course. This past term we studied stress and coping. The last chapter on 'Life Events'. The sudden death of a child is number one on blasting us beyond what we would see as our abiity to survive. They refer to the process as intense for the first 4-7yrs. Adjustments come in that time.....but we are forever changed.

Time for me is something I no longer measure like I once did. I refer to things since or before Mike died. What seems to be a lifetime in the other world is but a heartbeat for me.

The tears do dissapate, but drop in on us without warning. The ability to move out of PJ's comes later, none show any signs that we grieve any less, love our children any less, it just means that we are in someway healing.

OOOOHHHH-the happiness never ends - does it.

Colleen - you know I'd love to tell you that they get older and wiser, but I haven't lied to you up till now so why start...

Steven John, my baby, my 33 year old baby, got a ticket. Got it awhile back, not his first infringement of this type. Sat on it. Now a week out from court rings and asks if I can babysit Jeya, and oh yeah should he have legal representation?!?!?!? OMG DUMBASS!

Dee - For you my friend. Mummy and Baby... Our zoo has two now. Heart hugging stuff. Sorry about the commentary

http://youtu.be/99MI592qYjU

[Guest msnher]

I just watched several fun video's on youtube of animals at the Houston Zoo.

Colleen - Don't even know what to say. Been there, done that....going to go there and do that again in a few years...

I read everything I could get my hands on after Steph died. I don't remember author's names, though. I don't remember any book really "helping". Nothing helped me through as much as this site has. I think it's because I know you know. As sorry as I am for those who came before me, I'm grateful they are here to light the way.

[dwsmithrn]

trudi....you are soooo right....there is NO book than can prepare you for minute to minute, hour to hour, day to day.....it just doesn't happen the way the 'books' say it might....my days are always different and today was no better....one day i think i might be a bit better, then, it all falls apart....so no one knows any better how things will play out more than my friends here....and it helps me to know i can come here and express myself anyway i need to, when i need to and how i need to.....so thanks for letting me do just that.....besides my home, my bed, i feel safe here as well....

dee....the elephants are so cute...i, too, love elephants, in fact, i have a collection of well over 200.....all kinds, all sizes, made of all things, from all over, even from africa when my husband did a 13 month stint there....also, i loved the video.....nice song....

sus....i will be glad when the tears will slow down somewhat....at least i might be able to do something other than cry....thanks for the support on that one

to all indigos.....i really appreciate your support....i am going to get throough this, even though i know it will take years....and also, i have accepted that i will never be the same again, i know i will somehow survive, whatever that means for me, thanks to all of you.....so, thanks...

diane

[Crystal Rogerson]

Oh, Dee... THANK YOU SO MUCH for putting the video up. I'm not real computer savvy. I hope all Indigo's enjoy it. Love your elephants too!

Can't stay to chat. Husband is coming home from work (he's been gone 5 weeks and the only company I've been keeping is with the dog.

May you all find Peace tonight and know our angels are with us.

Love and Light- Crystal- Meg's mom

[ericasmom]

Crystal, so glad that you were happy by the video, i have many Rusted Root CD's, their music makes one dance and move as a child would and that is because it taps into that place where music lives; in our spirit. Five weeks, what kind of work does your husband do?

Diane, I have probably about 200 elephants too, though many are packed in boxes as who has room for them all. I receive some each year as gifts from students...once they know you love something, they find them everywhere and give them as gifts. I have tiny and huge Elephants also made out of many materials. Love them. Aren't they just he most spirit filled animals? I like the way you ended your post Diane, i felt a surge of happy as I head to bed because you said, I know I will somehow survive, and a week ago or os, you were not so sure of this. To hear it in your words makes me glad to know that you will. Big step.

Sus, glad that you liked the videos from the houston Zoo. So many adorable creatures...let's get busy making the Earth more animal friendly.

Trudi, thanks for that adorable little Elephant, oh my how happy she was to be in the water learning to navigate. So fun to watch. Thanks Dolly.

Col, raining here, did the game come off or not?

Love to All, deep sleep whenever possible.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

8 weeks ago, My Angel Kailey earned her wings. She was and will always be the most "Purist of Angels" for she could do no wrong. Her body was broken but her spirit was whole. Now she walks, skips, jumps and runs in heaven with no disabilities. I know she is playing, singing, laughing, and enjoying her freedom. She was my life, I miss her terribly!

Learning to live......

It's been eight lonely weeks since you both passed away and it's harder now then yesterday! The numbness is gone and the nightmares are strong. No longer does it feel like a dream. The reality is here and I must be aware of the things that must be done. My life has changed, this is for sure. Never again, will I be free...... I'm Imprisoned in my thoughts, painfully aware that you are both gone. My heart skips beats and the tears flow, I won't ever sleep in peace again.

My day to day life has been on hold the bills not paid and the housework not done. I'm barely surviving but, hanging on hoping for the day the tears don't come. I miss your sounds and the look on your face all happy with a big smile and full of grace.

I feel your spirit's all around me, fluttering like new Angel's who just got their wings. I know your learning to spread them and fly........ So, fly away, fly away my Beautiful babies. May you watch over us.... My Dear Girls...... Vanessa & Kailey.

[2 Angels in Heaven]

Baby Kailey

[ericasmom]

Beautiful words from your wounded soul, and thanks for sharing sweet Kailey's photos with us. I do believe as you said, she is free now, running and jumping in all the ways she could not here. Both of your Girls must be so proud of you.

[ericasmom]

Getting ready for school on a raining cold morning, but when I look out the window the plants are an inch taller than yesterday...spring's rebirth, reminding this old girl that there is indeed a season...

Last evening 3 of Eri's dearest buddies came over, bringing a dish to pass and husband made quiche and we all drank some wine and ate a lot of food and visited. It was good for my heart, felt that ERi was smiling on us. THey are all 27 now, in far different mind sets from when Eri died, and each time we get together, I am able to take delight in their decisions and the lives they are leading. Women now, independent and directed and full of energy. Lovely. I am tired though, first because it is Friday and I am so tired by Friday but also for staying up until past 11:00 on a school night. Sounds funny but boy, third graders are tiring little humans, and I need tons of energy for them. Today we will be working with a good deal less than tons.

Carol, I do so hope that your visits with your Floridian Family are wonderful and uplifting.

[andy88]

Andy,

Light of my life, beloved son...you've been gone 8 weeks today. This is the longest I've ever gone without seeing you. I love you and miss you so much. Thank you for the best years of my life! Thank you for the dream last night. Be happy, beautiful boy, until we meet again...

Andy's Dad and I found this link on the internet. It made me smile, it made me cry. Mostly it made me happy, but not surprised, that Andy continues to touch people even though he is no longer here:

http://www.comfortcoachingconnection.com/1/post/2011/02/post-title-click-and-type-to-edit1.html#comments

Lori, I love the thoughts of your beautiful Kailey playing happily. Thank you for sharing that.

With love,

Pam/Andy's Mom

[shorty16]

Pam and Lori

Thinking about you during these very tough times. Tough times indeed, when your insides are on fire, hollow, and just plain not there. The physical pain you feel, will not last. I , and so many other parents, will say the same thing. Hang in there girl.

I cannot tell you when it will go away and it will be a gradual process. One that starts to take hold now and will show itself latter.

I am sending my love to those newbies.

Hello my friends

Like Dee said, it is rainy today. I overslept and that means everyone in the house overslept. I am the alarm.

We have never seen Aaron take a quicker shower.

My MIL is suppose to come visit us Saturday. She is a real sweet lady, but she is needy and helpless and a victim and all those other things. Her husband, my FIL, was killed in an auto accident 7 years ago. I really do know that is hard and they had the old-fashioned house - Mom stays home and raises kids, cooks and clean and Dad earns the money and does anything outside the home (FIL was a great fix-it guy.

Anyway - I am going to look forward to the visit. We will walk a section of the bugline trail, we have 10 miles of it left.

It is Friday and I hope to do something fun with my hubbie and son tonight. I do not know what daughter is doing.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[mikesmomrs]

Good morning to my wonderful Indigo family: Just popping in quickly while I wait for Mike's friend, Denis to get here so we can leave for the game...plan on leaving by 10:00 so we can get a parking space. The team has been in the cellar since the season opened, but perhaps opening day at Fenway will give them that extra energy and life they are seeming to need! At least it is supposed to be sunny and in the 50's, so that's a plus!

Thank you so much for sharing the words that came straight from your soul to your beautiful daughters, Vanessa and Kailey...they were truly blessed to have your for a mom, just as you were truly blessed to have them as your daughters. I am so sorry that you are having to walk this journey, and I pray that all the wonderful memories you have help you to find your way.

Dee: I am so glad you had such a wonderful time with Eri's friends...I knwo that your energy will be lagging today and I can't imagine what a classroom full of 3rd graders must be like...I just know what it is like when all the grandies are here...chaos! But, I believe that your classroom is not chaos, just wonderful joy and a blessed learning atmosphere that their gifted teacher provides, even when she is lagging in energy. Thank you for your good wishes for my trip to FL. Love that you and Diane share a penchant for elephants...my daughter Cathi loves them, too, but has a very small collection.

Pam, I loved your soul-filled greeting to your beloved son, Andy, also...thanks so much for sharing.

Betsy: Thinking of you and your family...you will be leaving FL the day that I arrive! Crossing paths...something we all do here, thankfully.

Trudi: Totally get the "before Mike died and since Mike died"...a terribly sad way to connect to the events of the timeline of life, but as Mike would say, "it is what it is."

Karen: thinking of you my friend...hope you are watching the game today to help fan some life into those guys!

Betty: I am so sorry to hear of your squirrel friend's passing...she did have a productive life, and she found a true caretaker in you...I think you each got from the other something that you both needed at the time...

Damon has a tree outside the door where he comes out of school every day, and they have spring flowers planted there; as we only pick him up 1-2 times a week, when we do, there is quiet a difference in the size of these flowers since the last time I was there; I have truly enjoyed sharing this with him each time we pick him up and he seems so delighted when we walk over and take a look at them...the blessings of the hope that comes with the new life of spring, combined with the blessings of the hope that comes with the new life that is Damon, both gifts to heal my heart.

To all my indigo family...I hope you have a blessed weekend, with sweet memories that can grace your heart, even if only for a moment at a time, as sometimes that is what this journey requires, that we take only a moment at a time...

[Brendan's Daddy]

Good morning everybody. Colleen you are correct. I am starting to think maybe I should be moving my family out of Wisconsin. It is always cloudy, rainy, windy or snowy? Today back to rain. I think it depresses me even more.

Pam - It breaks my heart to read about your pain and heartache. I know exactly where you are at. 8 weeks without your son. I am so sorry. Today is day 125 without my beautiful Brendan. I only got 7 years with him and have already had to endure 125 days without him. Why does it feel like he has been gone for years already?

Vanessa - What you wrote for your girls was amazing. You truly do have two angels in Heaven. I hope my Brendan has met them up there.

I wish you all strength today. I pray for all of you every night before I attempt to fall asleep. I am so grateful to have found this site. I have a big day planned. Counseling this morning, which is great. Just hoping to get through another day. It is already 8:32 am and I have only cried 3 times so far. Not to shabby. I love and miss my son so badly. I am so afraid I will forget some of our memories. I never want to forget anything.

Tony- Brendan's Daddy

[Guest msnher]

Good morning, Indigo's;

Spring is in the air! Hurray!!!

Carol - Have fun at the game. Love that you pick Damon up once or twice a week. Bet he loves those days!

Colleen - I love how you describe this journey. It is a gradual process. For me I don't even think I realized a process was happening. There is a bit of trepidation about what the process continues to entail. Hoping the devastating pain doesn't come back.

Dee - I'm envious of the relationship you have with Eri's friends. None of Stephanie's friends have come to visit since the service.

Love the heartfelt writings to your angels.

Gotta run...love you all, Susannah/Stephanie's mom

[Crystal Rogerson]

Lori: Bless your heart, as you struggle. I wish I could reach out and hug you for a very long time. Wishing you rays of sunshine to help you through.

Dee: I will definitely invest in some Rusted Root cd's as Send Me On My Way is the only song I every heard by them (Because Meg would play it at full volume and put it on repeat)...lol. I miss things like that. I would never tell her to turn it down or change the song, because it was so uplifting.

My husband, owns his own business. He is a consulting mud engineer in the offshore industry. He is gone for long periods of time like that all the time. It gets very lonely, as I don't really leave my house much and we live in a small town and everyone I know lives quite a ways away. I commute back and forth to work daily to the city so I really don't feel like driving into the city on my days off, so me and the dog have gotten to be good buddies.

My husband is taking me to a concert this weekend in Dallas. Coheed and Cambria is who we are going to go see. Should be fun. But I am apprehensive...When I woke up this morning I had this feeling of anxiety as I would not be able to have the comfort of this site for the entire weekend. I haven't been here long, but I feel like you all have become my lifeline. It's the first place I go in the morning, I check here all throughout the day and it's the first place I go when I get home from work and come back once more before I go to bed. I can breathe when I'm here. I don't feel so alone when I am here. I know that you all will be here when I get back, and it's only a weekend, but it feels like I'm cutting off my own air way, especially since I just found this safe haven. I know it sounds pretty mellow dramatic, but it's how I feel.

To all Indigo's I hope that you find something to brighten your way r give you some comfort. I will check in as soon as I can and will be thinking of all of you.

Love & Light

Crystal- Meg's mom

[hotrod]

Good Morning Indigos

Tony loved the picture of Brendan in the Gallery Thanks for posting it

Pam and Thank you for sharing your heart Andy is certainly a fine young man

Lori I agree our angels are all healthy and flying free today The pictures of Kailey were so special and sweet.

Carol I too enjoyed watching the flowers when Stephen was Damon's age. He would say."The flowers are poking their little heads up higher today mom" Enjoy the game

Crystal Have fun at the concert I agree, just knowing the Indigo family is here is such a comfort

Colleen enjoy your hike and have fun with MIL. Do hope the weather works for you

Dee I agree with Sus, you are fortunate to have such a great connection with Eri's friends Of coarse you are a special lady and I understand

Betsy In my thoughts and prayers

Trudi I agree with your wise words about this journey No book can describe it.

Diane, Crystal, Amy. Leah, Sony, and all Indigos thanks for sharing the journey

I am off to Drs and then to shop

Be gentle with yourselves

[dwsmithrn]

lori...beautiful words for beautiful girls....i know they are together and watching over you.....

dee...i keep my elephants in an antique chiffarobe i hade remade into glass front with glass shelves....one side has drawers, the other has the door....it was in the family for over 85 years....it is a corner in my living room....elephants, proudly displayed....and other elephants in almost every room....

crystal...have fun at the concert....

sus...the only friends that have come to visit me, are the ones who live at the beach, and that is if I am down there....only one has come here, and that is a highway patrol dude...he was sweet....also, my best friend's daughter...she comes by and calls often....otherwise,,,,i'm just here....which is ok

it is one reason i dread going back to work....i will see his classmates with their spouses and new babies and have to face that head on....it will be hard.

tony, i hope you are beathing in and out, like was told to me when i first got here....then work on one foot in front of the other....baby steps only....i had to learn these things from those who were here before me....as hard as every step is to accomplish....i still have major anxiety about everything i do....

TODAY IS WEEK 11...i hate fridays...i woke up crying and the tears won't stop....i talk to nathan's pictures...i pick up my special little box his best friend made for me with some of his ashes in it and beautiful brass plate engraved with his name and dates on it....it is so pretty....i rock it back and forth next to my heart and i talk to him and i cry and i beg him to come back...i know that's not happening....so i beg him to show himself to me in some way....it hasn't happened to me yet....i can't settle, i can't settle down, i can hardly get around...i could maybe feel a little better if he would just let me know he is ok. why won't he tell me he is ok? what am i doing wrong that he won't come see me? i miss him too much and i am not going to get any better for a long, long time....i need this child back...my family is not complete....i am shattered, my heart is literally broken....my insides feel empty....where do you go from here....i know i said i am going to survive, and i am, it will just take a whole bunch of time....and i don't know how much time i have. so tell me, somewone, when do i get to know my baby is ok? when will he come see me and let me know he is ok?

thanks indigos.....i, too, don't know what i would do without this place.....otherwise, i would be in worse despair than i am already in....so thanks....diane

[rlolheiser]

My JaBoa had just started collecting elephants.. I have her small collection here in my living room bay window... I guess I got them because her mom knew I wasn't moving anymore. I used to collect things, but haven't added to them in years.. in fact I am more apt to throw them away these days.. they just don't mean anything to me.. I have a room full of polar bears and angels.. and they don't bring joy to me anymore. I guess that is why I worry about the tears.. it isn't just that... it is emotion... I don't have much.. I just go through the events of the days.. no time for laughter nor anger.. just doing. I don't know what to do, I used to cry at the drop of a hat.. or get mad at the smallest thing.. now even to show love to the kids is a chore.. and mom.. heck.. I just do what I have to do and dream of running away from home. Pretty sorry outlook, I don't have the right.. I still have the roof over my head.. the husband.. the grands.. the kids.. I even talk with God.. but I feel silence.. cold.. the closest I have to feeling anymore is coming here... I would cry tears for our angels.. for our parents.. and they don't come anymore.. I think I still care about everything but it just doesn't feel like it at times..

My mind is always running.. and my thoughts are here with you.. hoping you all find peace

[Brendan's Daddy]

Oh Diane I can feel your pain as you type. We have so many of the same feeling going on inside of us right now. Knowing that your Nathan is safe and happy comes down to Faith. You just have to believe that. I can't think of any other way to say it. I get down all the time and when I do I start to doubt, but it all comes back to faith and just believing. As Brendan's daddy it was my job to protect him. I looked my son in his beautiful 7 year old eyes and told him I would never let anything happen to him. I promised him I would protect him. He looked at me and he believed me. Every day I feel like I let him down and I need to believe that someday I will see my son again. Some day we will be together again. Some day I will hold him again. I could not protect him here on earth so I NEED to believe that God is taking care of him until I get there.

Just like you I beg for signs all the time. I hope this little story helps you to believe that your son is in Heaven. On a Tuesday night I met with a friend who lost his 19 year old son. We talked for about two hours. He told me about some signs he had gotten from his son. He kept telling me about Red Tail Hawks. The first thing he said was that a Red Tail Hawk would land in a tree at the Cemetery when he was there visiting his son. Then he said he was in his living room and a huge Hawk landed in the bush right outside his picture window. He went to get his wife so she could see it and when they came back it was gone. He had a few more Hawk stories, but to be honest I didn't think much of it. In my mind it was just a Hawk. Well the next morning I was in my driveway shoveling some snow and crying. I was begging God and Brendan for a sign to let me know Brendan was safe and happy. As I pulled out of my driveway a HUGE Hawk flew out of a tree from my right side and came right at my windshield. When it got to about 8 feet from my car it turned sharply and landed on the left side of me in my neighbors yard. It landed in a small pine tree around 3 feet off the ground. I backed my car up and looked at it. It just sat there looking at me. Now, some people might say this was just a Hawk, but not me. First of all, Hawks don't just dive bomb peoples cars. Secondly I had just talked to my friend about Hawks the night before. Third, I was just in my driveway crying and asking for a sign. In my eyes that was one of three things. 1. A sign from God telling me Brendan was ok. 2. A sign from Brendan telling me he was ok. 3. A sign from my friends son telling me that he had Brendan and that he was ok. I hold onto that sign with everything I had. It does not take my pain away because I miss my boy so much, but it does help me with my Faith. Our faith is sure to be tested during times that are so horrible, but we just have to believe that our sons are safe and happy. We will see them again. Nathan will give you a sign eventually. I truly believe that.

Diane I know you are hurting and I hurt for you. If you need anything please let me know. I hope that we can begin to heal together.

Thinking of you

Tony - Brendan's daddy

[ericasmom]

I am super lucky for my friendshp with Erica's friends, I agree. I don't take that lightly, I find it so amazingly special. Eri was and JOn still is, great at friendships, their friends are such fine folks, and having spent so much time with them as they grew up, I felt so worried that I would not get to see them as they became adults, but I do, they keep up with me and me with them, less now as they have very full lives, but we pick up where we left off, a true gift.

Trudi, I too often refer to time as before and after.

Carol, have a blast at the game.

Betty, I must have missed a post about SQUIRREL, I wish him peace, I know he had a good life being hooked up with you. Lucky little fellow. Have fun shopping today. I must confess, I have been shopping a time or two so far this spring, purchasing orange sneakers, and red woven sandles for my big old feet.

Meg's Mom, try not to worry about being gone for the weekend, try to let the music and the experience be a good thing. I bet that Meg will be listening to the same tunes you take in. We will be here when you return, though I get what you are saying completely. When I do get away, husband brings his laptop and I check in with this 'home' of ours. Have a beauty time. Yes, get some Rusted Root, such great music, so glad that you have these memories of the music and Meg.

Tony, one of the biggest fears that many of us have shared, is that we may forget, In many ways it was the biggest stopping block to my seeing the next step because I thought that if I didn;'t replay the tragedy button, replaying the events that took Eri constantly seeing the events unfold, I thought if I didn't play those, I would be forgettting her. I learned to let some of that go, and when I did, and it was not easy, but when I gave up replaying that day over and over, I was able to remember so much more of ERi's life. It made room for the happy times. It took time, but really, don't worry if you can help it, you will not forget.

Love,

dee

[dwsmithrn]

you see, tony, i used to have that kind of faith....i want to have that kind of faith again, but i lost it...i lost it when i lost nathan....i knew nathan was having some depression off and on for about a year...i begged god to help him, i begged for something to turn around for him....even though nathan never showed his depression to us, i knew it....he could hide anything behind his beautiful smile...he could make you smile at a moments notice...he was a smart, funny guy...had the world by the tail....had his doctorate in occupational therapy....he loved his job, his patients loved him....he had 3 houses, a boat, 2 cars, yest he was lacking one thing he so dearly longed for...a family of his own...i think he was lonely....that was the void friends and family could not fill for him, even though he had plenty of love....there were things he just didn't share with me, even though we were oh so close.....so, as i was saying, i begged god to show him a way to be happy, because we all know "THINGS" don't make you happy....he needed a family, someone to love and to be loved by that special person...i know he longed for that.....i begged, i prayed everyday, many times a day for god to help him find his happiness, to help him turn that depression into something happy.....and THIS IS WHAT I GOT FOR MY PRAYERS.....so, i am unhappy with god...this is what god did to my nathan.....so, he may be happy now, but what am i? i am a mess....i am sad, and hurt and can never find happy again....my life feels shattered and my heart is forever broken.....thursday, we texted back and forth and i told nathan to seek someone to talk to....go find some help, i said..'i'm begging you nathan, i love you way too much to let anything happen to you'.....and he said to me...'i truly love you, mom, ALWAYS AND FOREVER' and on friday, i got the phone call from my other son, who is a police officer at the beach....he had to tell me nathan was gone.....soooo....my faith is just not there anymore, no amount of prayer or faith can make me believe that god answers us....what good does it do us now.....i know in my heart that nathan is in heaven, but i don't believe his life had to end that way....i feel so much guilt now, why did i not go and save him myself....i should have been there...i should have known he was in pain.....i was not there....i know it is not my fault, but i still should have known that nate was sick and needed his mom...we are a very close family, even though the kids are grown with kids of their own....and nathan and i were just as close, even though he was 32...yet, this he kept to himself....thought it made him weak and not a man, to let me know he was hurting...

i want to find some sort of strength in in prayer again someday, but i don't how to do it yet.....

diane

[bridie]

Hi Everyone

Ive been reading the posts and just wanted to say that I'm thinking about you all. I feel better today than I did when I last posted but this is how it goes now, up and down. So glad to have found this site as I dont feel I have the same support of family or friends that I did in the beginning. Life goes on for them and they think you are ok. I have quite a large family and when Craig was missing and up to the funeral my sisters were in my house all the time. after the funeral they visited every day to make sure I was ok but now they dont even phone. I have asked the doctor to refer me for counselling and im waiting for the appointment to come through. I hope this will give me a chance to talk through all my negative feelings, guilt and worry about Craig.

Glad to have you all, all my love

Bridie

[dwsmithrn]

hi bridie....craig is such a handsome young man....i know how you must miss him....like i miss my nathan....

i know what you mean.....i always say, just beacuse my world has stopped, doesn't mean everyone else's world stops, but they should at least have some consideration for 'us'...especially, family and close friends who know we still (always) need that love and support, because grief is a lifelong process....it doesn't end just because a funeral or a service is over...it is a forever grief in our hearts.....i'm sorry they don't understand that for you....have you ever tried telling them that? that you still need them?

hope for a better day for you, for all of us here at BI....we all need a better day.....diane

[Crystal Rogerson]

Tony: It's funny that you should mention Red Tailed Hawks, as that is what shows me that Meg comes to check on me. The day she died, I was driving back home to the city, crying as I went, all of a sudden there was this red tailed hawk pacing me right outside the passenger window. It flew along with me for a good 10 miles. I knew immediately that it was Meg. She was free and soaring. Out of pain and rejoicing in the spring air. I had never even seen a red tailed hawk until that day. For about the next 3 years they would just appear out of nowhere and stay with me for quite awhile. I knew Meg was just dropping by to see how I'm doing and let me know that she is ok. I don't see them as often as I used to. I figure Meg is busy meeting and greeting new angels and doesn't have time to say hello, but I also figure she knows that I am slowly healing too.

I love the stories that you told about the dreams you had about Brendan. Meg has only come to me in my dreams twice. both times last year. But she was not 15, she was about 6 or 8. I can only remember the dream when I first wake from it and know that she has been there. I think that when people die and become angels, they go back to an age that they were the happiest in their life. As whenever I dream of my mom, she is always in her 30's (which she said was her favorite time of life), but she passed away in her early 70's.

Our loved ones do and will show us signs when we are ready to see. But it's not always going to be a reach out and slap your face kind of message that says "Hey I'm here", the grief can hide these messages. One from being so absorbed by the pain that nothing can get in and two sometimes you don't realize that it IS your sign.

So, cherish your dreams, enjoy the hawks and I hope that each and everyone of you gets the sign you need to put your heart at ease and your mind to rest.

Bless you all with peace and happiness

Crystal-Meg's mom

[dwsmithrn]

we have had nesting red-tailed hawks in our back yard for years....we have about an acre behind us and an acre to the side of our house....they have been coming and going here for several years...they soar overhead when the wind is just right....i have seen them pick up their prey for food, i have seen their nests, seen them feed their young....it is all very interesting....thye arefun to watch and they are very pretty....i watch the birds from the front porch in the feeder, come and go, come and go....so many varities, they just stop, look at me, and keep feeding....i love to watch them....they are not afraid of the dog, of the cat, of us....they just know where to get their next meal....without fear....

so, i don't really know what to look for when looking for nathan, all the birds have already been around for years....it's nothing new around here....should i look for something new and exciting? or should it be something regular, but unexpected? i just don't know....

diane

[Crystal Rogerson]

DEE!!!! You are a GENIUS!. I think you have cracked a code for me. I've been so wrapped up in reliving Meg's death, that it I have not been able to rejoice in her life! You have given me food for thought and much to ponder. One more stepping stone in the journey. Thank you so much!!! Crystal-Meg's mom

[bridie]

Diane - thanks for your kind words. I understand your problem with faith now, it is hard to keep faith when something like this happens. For me I feel I have to believe in life after death, in heaven as this is when Im going to see Craig again. I don't know why God took Craig, but I do know that Craig was a good person and must be in heaven, this is what keeps me going. My faith too has diminshed since this happened and I would like to get it back. I do feel that He isn't answering my prayers at times but ultimately I do trust in God to help me through. Love Bridie.

Tony - I love your hawk story and wish that I could get some sort of sign that Craig is ok. I have asked God for one but have had nothing yet. I visited a psycic (not a good idea) who told me he could see Craig standing behind me and he wasnt happy. This obviously did not help me. There was a wee bird that kept landing on my window sill in the days after Craig died, maybe this was him telling me he was ok. Love Bridie

[Crystal Rogerson]

Diane: I'm not the authority on signs, but I would definitely say in my opinion...DON"T LOOK FOR A SIGN. It will come to you, and you will know in that instant that it's a signal especially for you. A sense of peace comes with it when it happens. I know that it's hard to wait for and that you want to see/hear/smell/feel it NOW, but it will come in time. Just like everything else on this road we are on.

I wish you speed to mend your broken heart! Sending hugs to you!

we have had nesting red-tailed hawks in our back yard for years....we have about an acre behind us and an acre to the side of our house....they have been coming and going here for several years...they soar overhead when the wind is just right....i have seen them pick up their prey for food, i have seen their nests, seen them feed their young....it is all very interesting....thye arefun to watch and they are very pretty....i watch the birds from the front porch in the feeder, come and go, come and go....so many varities, they just stop, look at me, and keep feeding....i love to watch them....they are not afraid of the dog, of the cat, of us....they just know where to get their next meal....without fear....

so, i don't really know what to look for when looking for nathan, all the birds have already been around for years....it's nothing new around here....should i look for something new and exciting? or should it be something regular, but unexpected? i just don't know....

diane