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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNY...

Surround your mom with sweet memories to carry her through this day...

love and peace, Pam,   Carol mikesmomrs

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andrewsmother

Dear Claudiam Susannah, Sue, and Deneace

Thank you so much for the great support I received from you yesterday on Facebook.  So here's the deal...my husband officially bailed out on me!  Actually this is not a surprise since as I have been sharing with you he's been hinting that he doesn't like this new life and has actually said he was leaving a few times.  Sam and I met in Oct 2007, he was still married but separated, or so he told me.  His ex-wife was diagnosed with multiple sclorosis and they moved to Florida from New York for the weather and her condition.  Sam has two children, Chris is 20 and is in the marines, and Kevin is 15 and lives with his mother about 30 miles from where we live.  Sam was in the military, and is a retired Captain from the New York City fire department.  He currently drives a broward county bus (thisi s the county where the ex-wife lives and his job is 37 miles from my home in Miami).  4 months after Sam and I met, he decided he was going back to his wife, from whom he wasn't yet divorced.  He said he was too far away from his son, and from his job and living in Miami would be too difficult for him.  Six weeks later he came back saying he loved me and wanted this to work, a few months later he moved with me and in April of 2009 we got married.  There were always problems with my kids and Sam, he is used to being a leader and couldn't understand why he couldn't tell my kids what to do, he is also very offensive when he is angry and called my son Andrew some really horrible names.  Andrew had a very strong personality and also could be insulting, so of course they didn't get along at all.  One night they got in a physical fist fight and they both ended up bleeding and scratched.  At that point, the kids were very upset, I was upset and Sam was upset.  The kids were definetely not doing the right thing, they were both on the wrong path, not going to school, not working, sleeping all day and up all night.  One night I caught them smoking pot in my garage.  They did a lot of things during that time, including going into my room and taking money.  When all this happened, for everybody's sanity I decided to rent the kids an apartment close to my house, the idea was to let them struggle a little so they could see how important getting an education is.  Struggle they did, however, Andrew never got to go back to school or get a job.  He needed a job to get a car so he could get to school.  When I was at the end of my rope and had literally told Andrew I was no longer going to pay the apartment and he would have to fend for himself, he died, we had the nasty fight on 12/18, he was killed on 12/19.  Of course, Chris came back home.  Since Chris came back its been a different problem with Sam everyday, it bothers him that Chris has friends over.  I'm in the process of getting Chris back to school but he is not enrolled yet, however he wants to go back.  Sam wants to run my child and my house as though he was in charge, he literally told me in my home he wasn't king, and he couldn't deal with that.  He called Chris a juvenile delinquent, he said we should get rid of Chewey, my son Andrew's little dog, and in one occassion he actually said he didn't care if Andrew had died one way or the other.  He later apologized for this, but I can never forgive him for it.  So that's the background on Sam and the kids.  My home is in the process of foreclosure because my income was drastically cut to 1/8 what I made.  My home lost half its value, and I am upside down on the loan even though I put a lot of money down.  We knew we were going to lose the home but the idea was to buy a home in Sam's name when this happened.  I also hated my job as a Personal Banker at Chase, so with his blessing I went back to doing mortgages with Chase knowing the base salary (it is actually a draw) is only $2000 per month, and the possibility of making commission is almost impossible in this market.  By the way, Sam's exwife is a heavy gambler who put 60000 in his credit cards as an authorized user, she used all her 401k savings and went through over $300,000 in two years, supposedly on this gambling habit.  He always resented her for that, she also took money from her son and is basically a mess with her finances.  So...yesterday he decided he no longer wanted to be in my home, he said he was too far from his job and his son, he said he wasn't king in my home,. he said Chris was a juveline delinquent (far from it by the way...chris is a good kid who has always struggled with school because he has a learning disability and ADHD).  He packed...and went back to the ex-wife.  Of course I broke down completely, my son died, my husband left me, I'm losing my home and I don't know how I'm going to be able to support my son.  The outpour of love and support I received after I posted the pathetic post on facebook was unbelivable.  I cried myself to sleep last night feeling sorry for myself and hating this new life.  This morning however, I'm looking at things from a different perspective.  My son Andrew is gone, I hurt deeply and miss him, but I have Chris to take care of.  The only thing I cannot do anything about is Andrew, unfortunately, death is final, he will always be my son and in my memory and heart, but he is gone.  Everything else will work itself out, I'll stay in the house for as long as I can and start looking for another job.  The way Sam has acted is unforgivable.  This morning I got up and thought, this man is not worth shedding one tear over.  Good riddens to him.  He was weighing me down with his negativity.  I need to move on for my son Chris and because I know that is what my son Andrew would want me to do.  My life has been turned upside down in the last 47 days.  My son is gone, and that pain is still fresh and raw, when I needed love and support the most, my husband, the man whom I considered my soulmate and best friend, bailed out.  For my son Chris I have to go on, on my own, and so I will.  Sam is not worth getting upset over, I lost my son, losing my husband because he is a selfish narcisist is the least of my worries....So...I'm trying...forging on....for Chris and Andrew, but I know we will be ok.

Rosie, Andrew's mom

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Rosie - I have a feeling Andrew had something to do with your husband leaving.  That's a good thing.  You don't need a man like that and Andrew, apparently, always knew that.  Your life is like a jig-saw puzzle right now.  And, I believe Andrew is helping putting the pieces together, but first you have to dump all the pieces onto the table, and remove the pieces that don't belong.

I hope you find comfort in the fact that Andrew WILL help direct you.  As upset as I was over Stephanie's death, I was grateful she now had access to all the right spiritual forces to put everything in place for us and her kids.....and, she did.  At times we wondered "WTF?"  And, then it would all work out.

You are definitely one tough lady.   And, you have a great support group (US!) to help hold you up.

YOU GO, GIRL!   

When God closes a door He/She always opens a window.  But, sometimes the hallway is so friggin long!!! 

Much love,

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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Oh my goodness!!  Between all of our children, we have some pretty wild, energetic angels to celebrate Kenny's Belly Button Day.  Imagine having no boundaries, whatsoever, to fly...zoom, zoom, zoom......Up and down....to and fro.  Between all of them there is also a lot of stubborness.  THAT'S a good thing!!  Laugh, play, love.....I can almost feel the energy in the air as they all zoom through celebrating Kenny's earth day out of love for his Mom.  I hope they do that for Stephanie's.  Well,  I would be okay if they all just showed up.  Might scare me to death, but it would be worth it!  "Zoom - Zoom" keeps going through my head.  It's almost like they're playing catch or racing or something.  Lots of energy!!!  Cool brush of air, goosebumps and all.  Definitely a presence....a happy presence.  Lots of laughter.  I know this goes against some of your religious beliefs, but no fear....I believe!!!  They're having a ghost of a time!!!

Dearest Trudi!!!  Thank you for your note.  It took me some time to figure out you are all the Trudi's that popped up with different names, especially with Sally Fields in your picture.  I wondered who in the world it really was.  Thank God for Muttley!  He put the pieces together.

Marcia---LOL .....I kept seeing your name at the bottom of my screen, but I didn't know what it meant.  I tried to respond, but didn't know how to send it.  Blonde at the computer!  Blonde on facebook!!!  No offense, Kathy...  I'm not a true blonde.  I just give them a bad name.

Betsy - That is one of the most beautiful pictures I've seen.  If I had my way I would frame it and use it as a color scheme in a room. 

Everyone else...I love you guys!!  I'm having one of those "wrapped in a blanket of sadness" today, so I'm taking it easy and wrapping myself in my electric blanket.  The police officers came to Jonathon's pre-K class today.  Jonathon was so excited because he knew them.  The detective on our case was there.  He said he didn't recognize my kids, they look so good.  That made me feel good.  Jonathon announced real loud, in front of everyone, "Guess what, my sister ran away and my grandma cried and then two days later my other sister called 911 on my grandma."  Fortunately, they knew the story.

After we arrived home from the kids seeing Stephanie for the first time when she got home from Iowa, Jasmine quietly slipped out the back gate, went 6 blocks and walked into a house she didn't know looking for her mom.  Then, two days later, I didn't let Mariah use the phone again (she had already called her mom 4 times in an hour) so Mariah went in the laundry room and called 911. 

At the time, I was at my wit's end.  Today I'm glad I have the memory of how much they wanted their momma. 

I've rambled too much.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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shellbellsmom

Rosie wishing you find some magical solution to all your pain....all I can offer is my prayers that they find their way to you. 

Pam, Happy Heavenly Birthday to Kenny....Balloons soar up to the heavens and greet Kenny as he celebrates with all the angels today....send your mom some signs that you are watching over her. 

Bonnie, any news on your relatives who had a serious car accident in Michigan? Been praying for your family.

Carol beautiful words......

but the one thing that I needed the magic most for, I couldn't  find---the magic I needed to keep him here, well and living a  long, happy life...I think the loss of our child makes us more  determined to provide "magic" for those left in our arms, and when we  can't produce, we feel lost and helpless...and those feelings are  intensified by the searing pain of loss that has invaded our hearts and  made us more vulnerable than ever...

...and oh so true. 

Thanks MaryAnn....I might take you up on that PM message one of these days.  I just don't want to drill you with tons of questions...but I do want to know if there were any similarities between our kids illness and death. 

Dreamt of Michelle last night  :D  ...its been a while.  She was standing just starring at me in a field of grass...she looked about the age she was when she died...she was wearing her glasses and looked healthy and happy...no words spoken but I felt the dream was very spiritual..

Wishing everyone some peace today.  Sue

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DEAR ROSIE,

BLESS YOU!!! I AGREE YOU HAVE NO TIME TO WORRY ABOUT OR BE SADDENED FOR  A PERSON WHO WOULD BAIL ON THEIR SOUL MATE IN THEIR TIME OF NEED.!!!

I DO BELIEVE THAT WE HAVE SURVIVED THE MOST PAINFUL THING THAT CAN EVER BEFALL  US SO THAT YOU CAN DEFINATELY HANDLE THE MISFOURTUNE THAT YOU NOW FACE. 

iT WILL WORK OUT.  WHEN MY HUSBAND PASSED AND STEPHEN WAS ONLY 16  HE LEFT MANY BILLS, LITTLE MONEY AND I HAD ONLY A PART TIME JOB.  

GOD WORKED IT ALL OUT MUCH BETTER THAN I COULD HAVE IMAGINED.  ALL I HAD TO DO WAS:

 TRUST, SHOW UP AND AS NICK SAYS "NEVER LOSE FAITH'

YOU ARE NOT ALONE

BETTY

STEPHEN'SMOM:)

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OH MY GOD!!!!

I went back and read some posts by me from 2005!!!!!!!

Who was that guy!!!!!!!!!!!

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Greg - I spent a sleepless night going back and reading all those posts.  They comforted me.  Both you and Dan "talked" more back then.  :)  I still have to get my pictures in the mail.  Sometimes the smallest thing is the most difficult. :?  I would love to hear more of the "Dad's" perspective.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TODAYS YOUR SPECIAL DAY...HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAY GOOD THINGS COME YOUR WAY...HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY MAY ALL YOUR HEAVENLY DREAMS COME TRUE...HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY FROM ALL OF US TO YOU

KENNY KENNY KENNY....THINKING OF YOUR FAMILY AND YOU TODAY...

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"to start this day with  a feeling of connection to this world."

 Betty - Oh yes, that's just what being here each day does, connects me to the world.  One where my sadness and grief isn't an uncomfortable burden nor is it the only connection here.  Thankyou

Betsy - Beautiful colours glorious flowers.  Thank you so much, you have brightened a dull and wet day. :)

Lyn - Just lost my train of thought ( surprise surprise ).  I get that alot.  Sometimes its like being on a platform when an express flies through.  So fast so much to see yet unable to grab any image.....ahh well. 

Rosie - It never rains but it pours.  I learnt a couple of things after Mike died (yes you can teach an old dog new tricks, if you use the right treats) -

Firstly I culled the 'deadwood'.  Amazingly how losing a child puts people we have in our lives in a different light.  It shows just how much of ourselves we were sacrificing just to keep them with  us...not worth it. 

Secondly I found no one but those who knew loss at this level would understand the ripple effect through my life, so I stopped apologising and explaining. 

Three, I began to apply the rule of 'what is really important' to my life.  Finally, support, I needed open honest consistent support (insert Indigo Family). 

Know you are never alone - you are just a keystroke away...Take care of you and your boy - That is so important....

Susannah - Yep fly me to the states and let me play amongst the .......

Greg - I read back over old posts from April 07 on.  Such anger, such frustration so lost.  Somedays it seems like I haven't travelled far.  I have to admit reading your posts and Dans gave me a broader insight...Mikes leaving affected more than just me. Thankyou.

For those who believe in signs - Its raining here. The day Steve and Kelly were to move into their home but a gliche (dumbass) by the conveyancing people have put it off till next weekend.  I think Mike sent the rain to say "hey would have been a shite day to shift anyway".  Secondly next Saturday my day will have been gone 30yrs.  I guess he wants Steven to move in on his Angelversary.  He would have loved that.

Pam - Mikes first birthday was just 5 months after he left.  I wondered if he was as lost on his first birthday without us as we were without him.   His partner at the time married Mikes ashes that day...full bridal gear, bridal party no groom so to speak...kinda took the edge off missing him.   And they call me crazy..

Kenny - Wrap you energies warmth around your mum today as she remembers a better time in your lives.  Look for the gold and black balloons - they might be wet but hey...

birthday-3-ch.gif

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 Kenny KeNNy Ken

HaPPy BirTHdaY to YOU!

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It has been a long time. I feel bad that I haven't visited in so long. I am glad that I found most of you on facebook though so I can kind of keep up with things. It has been so crazy lately. I had my tubes tied last week so I have been down from that. My 5 year old has been having a hard time lately at school and has been getting in trouble a lot. The other day he brought home a picture that he drew and it was of me, jeremiah, and ashton in the house and he was outside. It made me feel so horrible. I know that he feels left out and I am really trying to make him feel better but with me having to feed ashton and change him and everything else its just hard to do it all at once especially when my husband is at work and i'm doing it by myself. I have planned a day this weekend though for just me and him to go eat and to the movies so that he has mommy time too. I have been thinking about Brayden alot too and usually I can do it without crying but lately I cry everytime he crosses my mind. I miss him so much. I don't know why I have been having a hard time lately, maybe I am just exhausted. I hope everyone is doing ok, I miss talking to you all. I haven't uploaded any recent pics of Ashton but as soon as I do I will post some for you all.

Kathy I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I received your package today and it couldn't have been at a better time. I have been having a hard time lately with everything and to get that let me know that someone was thinking of me and I couldn't thank you enough. It is a beautiful blanket and we will cherish it forever.

Amanda

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HAPPY     BIRTHDAKENNY !!!!

 

 

:D

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HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY KENNY - SHINE ON AND FLY HIGH !!!

 

Amanda - you are so very welcome my friend and I hope that little Ashton stays warm and snuggly in the blanket.  Take care my friend.

I am sorry but I still cannot respond to postings..I am a lost soul right now and fighting a deep depression so I will come and read and do the best I can....you are the ones who are keeping me from falling all the way.

Peace and Love, Kathy

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Deep thoughts tonight.  Simple words. 

What if.......

Earth is school.   We chose the curriculum.  We planned exactly how long we would be here and how we would exit.  We chose our "teachers". 

What if......

The ultimate goal of every human being is to learn to love uncondionally and forgive uncondionally

Everyone.

Tall order.  Everyone.  What does that mean? 

What if......

It just means letting go of the anger.  The rage.  Justification.  Bitterness. 

What if.....

It just means cutting the rope around our neck that ties that person.  Thing.  Situation.  Disease.  

Is it loyalty that causes us to drag the carcass that chokes the very life out of us? 

What if.......we cut the rope? 

Can I let the hate go?  Can I let the judgement go without condoning the person?  I am incapable of separating the act from the person. 

But, what if I could?

There would be no rope around my neck.  I would breath easier.  I could fly. 

But, what would happen to "him/her"?  Who would hold them responsible?  What if they were allowed to fly, too?

Perhaps there are to lessons to learn.  Mine and theirs.  By releasing them, I am really releasing myself.

Letting go.

Before Stephanie died.  Just a few days before.  She said,  "Mom, we have to forgive.  For our sake.  Not for theirs."

If I hold onto their wrongs...am I really holding onto mine?  ".....and, forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." 

If I don't forgive them, in the end, will it be me who is judged?  Not to be feared, but perhaps to be retaught? 

Maybe.  Just maybe.  Stephanie got it.  Maybe she was able to graduate.  "She had so much more life to live".  But.....she IS living it.........free from the bondage of human emotions.....jealousy.  hate.  revenge.  justice.  expectations. 

What if.....

There really is a place to live that's bigger, better.........and, this life is nothing more than a class?

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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I couldn't do it.  I couldn't cut the rope. 

Maybe by cutting the rope, I would be allowing the rope to strangle someone else.

Or.  Perhaps I'm just not ready.....I don't feel judged by my Creator.  It is not my Creator I've let down.  It is myself.  My Creator loves uncondionally.  Forgives uncondionally.  Allows perfect love.  The kind of love that allows His/Her children to suffer or enjoy the consequences of their actions.  The kind of love that will allow me to take the curriculum again.

I just hate the friggin class!!

But, :) I love my classmates.  (well, not all of them or I wouldn't have to take the friggin class over..  :? )

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Yikes.......Miss a few days, and am I ever behind.:(

Rosie---I'm so very sorry for all the heartache you are having. Please keep

coming here to BI. It could be the lifeline that will help you forge ahead for

yourself & Chris;.... and  your wonderful memories of Andrew will never fade.

Susannah-----Thanks for asking, friend. Lisa was my baby girl who died years

ago. This site does not provide for more than one avatar though. Someday, I

will tell about Lisa on BI. Davey was born just a year after Lisa's death. We

always worried about him, and now he is gone too. I'm so glad you came onto

BI.....your words are always so 'true and from the heart'. Peace.

Kathy----You are so right....where else could we find a group of understanding

people who know, firsthand, all the ups and downs (sometimes in wild succession)

that we go through. Nowhere else......I've found.

Dee---Thanks for visiting Davey's memorial and for kind words. The newspaper

group for the kids at your school sounds like such a great idea. I bet they enjoy

it.

Carol-----I agree......we, many times have to push our feelings of that awful

'huge hole'  to the background, so our other kids and grands won't see. Alas, I

guess it's just part of this lousy journey we find ourselves on. Peace to you.

Veronicasmom----Good to see your sweet daughters smile here. Take care.

Trudi----Sorry about your dinner turning out so wrong. My dad always said...

"some days it don't pay to get out of bed".  Hope things look up for you very soon.

Sorry that the previous owner of the house your son bought is such a

pain about it all.  Sure hope it all clears up so they can get on with their new home.

Beth----Glad to hear that all is ok after the surgery. Take care.

Terrie----Sorry about your husband's cousin......thoughts for the family.

               Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

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         HAPPY HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY, KENNY.

  

  Betsey-----Oh,......Thank you so much for the flowers. They are

   absolutely BEAUTIFUL !

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OK SO IM JUST GONNA ASK..I WAS THINKING YESTERDAY...WONDER WHAT KOURTNEY THOUGHT OF "HER CANCER"...WE FOUND OUT NOVEMBER 4TH 2007 AND HER TUMOR BURST NOVEMBER 15, 2007....I NEVER REALLY GOT TO ASK HER....WE FOUND OUT ACTUALLY THE 4 IT WAS A "BLOCKAGE OF SOME SORT"....BUT CANCER AROUND THE 9TH OR SO...

SOO IF YOU DONT MIND YAL THAT DELT THE SAME CRAPPY HAND....IF YOU WOULDNT MIND SHARING SOME OF YOUR CONFERSATIONS ABOUT CANCER AND THE TREATMENT (HELL) THEY WENT THROUGH ID LIKE TO NO MAYBE WHAT / OR IF IT WAS MAYBE WHAT KOURTNEY EXPERIENCED......I DONT EVEN NO IF I MAKE SENCE....I JUST WOULD LIKE SOME ANSWERS...

RADIATION DID IT HURT...THE MASK THEY  HAD TO WEAR.....THE FEEDING TUBES...THE SHOTS THE PROBING.....ALL OF IT.....

IF YOU CANT SHARE I SURE UNDERSTAND.,,,,ITS LIKE SHE JUST WENT TO SLEEP FOR 7 MONTHS AND 2 DAYS...AND WE HAD 11 DAYS TO TRY TO GRASP WHAT THE HELL IT EVEN WAS...

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Another thought.

I don't believe in hell.  So, let's not discuss it.  But, if I did believe in hell, I would not want that person to go there.

The Universe is big enough..........he/she doesn't have to share my heaven.  They can have their own heaven. 

Is that forgiveness?  I mean, I'm granting them their own heaven and all!

You know?  I wonder if they hate me as much I hate them.  (shrug)  I don't care how they feel about me.....none of my business.  My business is only how I feel about them. 

By the way.....all this is about my very first husband.........shiver, shiver!!!! 

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Lorri, sorry that you are left with so few answers.

Rosie, I think that the weight of that negative man leaving will allow you and Chris and the whole house to sigh and release so much tension. The walls will be happy, the furniture too, the whole place will have a bit of relief, because the DAMN KING has left the castle. Sorry, and if you ever get back together I can take it, I just can't friggin stand the centerminded bullshit that occurs sometimes. I especially cannot tolerate the bad mouthing of your kids by someone that did not know them. I had a boyfriend years ago that did that and I cannot understand why I did not kick him to the curb sooner. I know that it may feel that there are many losses after the supreme loss, but this really sounds like a gain to me. Losing that which throws everyone in turmoil is good. So my hats off to you Rosie, facing down the negative adn looking forward. Hooray.

Sleep everyone, I am pooped, at school 13 hours, need sleep.

Love and hugs.

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 Rosie, I am in agreement with Dee. You sure dont need all the negativity in your life. You and your kids will be much happier without him. So sorry you have to endure this but you will get thru it and be a stronger person from it. Take it from one who has been there done that.

I dont believe in hell other than the one here on earth. Thats what this life is without my Kayla. Trying to keep going and be positive but some days just wipe me out.

Remember to put on your smiles today. Its friday and no work this wknd so mine is on :D

Hugs all around,

Lynn

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I don't know how you do it, Dee.  Teachers!  I tip my hat to you.  13 hours.  Wow!

I woke up thinking about you, Rosie.  I believe in angels.  May they hold you and guide you through this wounded gift you've been given with your husband leaving.

Amanda, it was good to see you yesterday.  Glad the baby is well.  It sounds like you have a good plan for big brother.  Mommy time.  I know each of my grandchildren need grandma time.  I think one of the perks about being a Grandma raising my grandchildren is I've been down this road before.  I don't beat myself up as badly as I did when my children were young.  I know we'll all get through it.  Have fun at the movies! 

Beth - thinking of you this morning, too.

Kathy - Asking for an extra angel to be sent your way this month as the days get closer to Jessica's angelversary.

I woke this morning also considering how odd it is that I haven't felt my mother's spirit at all since she passed over a year ago.  I was holding her at the time of her death, and I didn't even notice she had died.  That is so strange to me because I was closer to her than my sisters.  I felt my sister that passed immediately...gosh, her spirit came to me the day BEFORE she died.  Of course, Stephanie was with me immediately.  But, I haven't felt my mom.  Odd.

Sherry - I'm so sorry about your little Lisa!  Maybe you've already done this, but I would love to see a picture of her and hear more about her, could you add it to one of your posts on Davey's thread?

Sue, Betty, Betsy, Marcia, Lynn, Bonnie, Dan, Greg, Terri, Pam, Kim, Trudi, Deneace, Claudia, Leah, and all of you......sending love and light your way!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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Well Sus, I don't have to do that more than a few times per year, so that is cool, I look rather like a raccoon today, circles. Ahhhh, the geometry of the aging face. Line segments and circles, a few segments intersecting at different points. Math is everywhere as I tell my students.

You guys who have little ones at home, you pull more than 13 hour days!

Have a great day, I am waiting for a 7:15 conference but I fear she has forgotten which will mean we have to reschedule 4 conferences. Oh well.

Hey, you may see three names here soon, one friend has posted outside of this particular thread, having lost her adult Son, Ben in the summer. I know Ben and his family from when I dated the creep 15 years ago. Ben's family lived in the same town as the creep, and their Sons were the same age. So Ben has died, and his Mum and I have reconnected through a letter I sent with this website.

The second person you may see here one day is doing as Ben's Mom, reading but not comfy right now with posting. Her Son died in September and her cousin and I know one another from the writing group that I attend. One day in fact in September, I had presented a piece of writing and we all had a good cry, shocking that it was yet another about grief, don't even know what I used to write about. Anyhow, that day, Janice's cousin's adult Son, Chris, died. Janice gave her my e-mail and she began emailing and we have kept up some. She, like Ben's Mom is a dear and deeply wounded parent. And the third parent you may see is a parent of a student that I had last year, whose adult Daughter died in October leaving two young children. My former student is in 4th grade and suffering the loss of her beloved big Sis, and Mom is as we all know, ripped up inside. She is reading here as well and one day will post.

I know that this Beyond Indigo family will welcome these three very sad and grieving Moms, and I know that they will receive as we all have, the foundation of this new world, and learn to make their way becoming more connected and supported with each post. As we walk along, we find that our hurt will be the stepladder for the new friends we meet, and our purpose here expands.

Blessings in all you do and with everyone you meet.

dee

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Dee - To your friends whom may be reading, but have yet to post, I'm so sorry for your losses.  On you own terms and time, I hope you will one day introduce yourselves and tell us about your children, now angels.  This forum has proven to be a lifeline for me.  Hating the fact that others know the pain of losing a child but grateful those others are willing to share and help hold me up.  We are not alone on this journey.....unfortunately.  And, fortunately.  :(

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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Thanks Sus, I know that you and everyone will assist these fine women.

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Hi my friends,

After much thought I've decided for all the printing on my new printer that it 's going to be on a donation basis. This will be this way for only bereaved people. I know that sometimes after we lose a loved one that things can fall apart and finances can become an issue. So this will be a donation based endeavor.

Greg

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OH MY LORD AMANDA, Ashton is gorgeou!

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Good Morning Indigos

 

Amanda  WOW  What a beautiful precious child!!!  I was so happy to see you  posting this morning  I know how hard you are working to have this beautiful family  You will work this out.  Please come here and talk  It helps

 

 Greg  How Generous.  You are so very thought ful to this group, 

I hear you about reading old posting and asking "Who was that person"?  I honestly believe that coming here has really changed this person to  be  a kinder, more understanding , compassionate individual

 

Lynn and Susannah I agree.   I do believe we live in both Heaven and Hell at times during our lives here on earth.  When we are finished with this journey we all go to the light and peace.

 

Last night I had trouble sleeping so I went to Dan's, Never Lose Faith site.  I visit Stephen's memorial and light a candle there everyday but I had never really looked at the site.  I was amazed!!! 

 

 On the bottom of the Home Page , Dan has pictures of all our angels.  If you click on the picture you are directed to the Memorial on the site.  Go to the memorial on the site There is a picture, a quote and all the information about the child.   Dan has also included a list of other memorial sites for the child.  It is astounding  and such a very wonderful work of love.

 

I then went to clicked on Pinnacle Days on the site and was "treated to a slide show of all the flags submitted for out angels.

 

I was so touched  Each and every flag was so very special.  Wow!!!

 

Sherry seeing  Davey and Lisa's Flag touched my heart

 

Bonnie, Marcia,   Dee, Trudi, Carol, Kathy, Mary Ann , Betsy-Lorrie---  the amount of time  and detail included in each of your Flags was so impressive.  I realized after viewing them all what love and tenderness went into each one. 

 

I know I was so afraid I would just put off doing Stephen's and not show up for the project that I really rushed Stephen's.   I kept it very simple with just a picture of him with his beloved race car.  I am so glad I was able to do just that 

 

Bonnie and Dan  Thank You so much for this memorial 

http://neverlosefaith.com/

[*]Pinnacle Days 2009.  

  

Trudi I intended to comment on your statement the other day when you spoke about presenting well. You said"Like an  actor, once the lights are on I present.  I did catch a glimpse of someone.  No black humor to hide behind, raw, open no role as such to play ....I was out walking.  It would have been about midnight, steamy night, light rain fell.  There were frogs......;)"  I too present well and play roles but I wanted to say that  when you travel out late at night and see a creature in sunglasses and a pointed hat, walking in the mist,  wave it is no doubt myself 05

 

Rosie, Leah, Susannah, Sue, Terrie, Sonya, Colleen, Pam, Kim, and all Indigos   Have a Great Friday. 

 

 You are a wonderful courageous group that I am so proud to be associated with.  Thank you for being here

 

Betty

Stephen'smom01

 

 

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With exact precision it hit.  Seemingly out of nowhere, but I know better.  It's been lurking just under the surface for months. 

I am surprised I am still able to breath.  How is it my heart keeps beating?  Quickly I escape to the bathroom, where I can hide the torture I'm about to endure.  I crumble to the floor, clutching my gut in agony.  The tears spill forth in floods.  I try to muffle the moans with a towel.  Rocking back and forth, I beg for mercy. 

And, then silence. 

I am exhausted.  Again. 

In one of the quizzes I took on facebook last night, I was asked which gift I would prefer.  I thought of two of the choices....one to bring peace to all whose lives I touch and the other was to be able to see and converse with the deceased.  I chose peace.  Now, I've changed my mind............

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Susannah, I know it is not the same, because we cannot hear what they say back to us, we cannot really have a conversation, but I do talk to the deceased. And in many ways, there have been signs and senses touched that let me know the words from my heart are heard. She is about, and I think that she is peaceful.

Let the tears wash through you, you will be tired yes, but also made ready for that which follows.

Love,

dee

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Hello my fellow indigos?

Just a note to say Hello.  I do not have the strength to respond to everyones, wonderful messages, but I do read them.

The WI Regional wrestling championships are being held at Hamilton HS this year.  Aaron is required to work at the 3 day event.  Wrestling from the SouthEastern WI region are invited to attend.

WOW, can not belive these guys are in HSD.

Not much else happening.

Brian's Mother Forever

Colleen

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THANK YOU GIRLS FOR YOUR SINCERELY PAINFUL STRIES (HATE TO CALL REAL LIFE STORIES)..ABOUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN...

I WAS JUST READING SOME OF MY EMAILS I SENT WHILE KOURTNEY WAS IN EARLY HOSP STAY....

GOD DID I LIVE IN A FN SUNSHINE HOPEFUL WORLD...I SWEAR I NEVER CAUGHT ON TIL MONDAY JUNE 16..WHEN KIMMY. AND I WENT TO A QUIET ROOM TO MAKE "WHAT IF FUNERAL PLANS"

PPL MUST HAV THOUGHT I WAS AN IDIOT...SHE WAS GOING THRU HELL AND I WAS MENTALLY IN A DIFF WONDER WORLD..

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[user=22932]lolynbo[/user] wrote:

THANK YOU GIRLS FOR YOUR SINCERELY PAINFUL STRIES (HATE TO CALL REAL LIFE STORIES)..ABOUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN...

I WAS JUST READING SOME OF MY EMAILS I SENT WHILE KOURTNEY WAS IN EARLY HOSP STAY....

GOD DID I LIVE IN A FN SUNSHINE HOPEFUL WORLD...I SWEAR I NEVER CAUGHT ON TIL MONDAY JUNE 16..WHEN KIMMY. AND I WENT TO A QUIET ROOM TO MAKE "WHAT IF FUNERAL PLANS"

PPL MUST HAV THOUGHT I WAS AN IDIOT...SHE WAS GOING THRU HELL AND I WAS MENTALLY IN A DIFF WONDER WORLD..

 

Lorri - not an idiot, a believer that believed her baby would open her eyes and the world would be filled with sunshine ~ anything else would be shattering ~ you know it is...

Amanda - what a gorgeous young man.  I swear he's looking right through to your heart in that pic.....all smiles and so alert... you done goood!  What does it say on his shirt.

Miss Dee - wise wisdom holder and life experience teacher.  You are such an inspiration, reaching out and forging friendships through tragedy.

Betty - That 'glimpse' I got to see was in MN.  I was walking with Dee.  There was no role to play, there was no need to present well.  It was a little like 'free falling' without knowing where I would land.  It was less tiring than putting on show so that others would be 'okay'.

Greg - Paying forward in honour of Brian.  Is it possible that you might be able to promote you service at the BP in July?  Something that many I am sure would be interested in.

Kathy my friend - my heart to you as you find yourself lost in thoughts of Jessica. 

Colleen - AJ just keeps growing and I don't mean physically. 

This weekend marks 1 year since the Black Saturday fires here in Victoria.  Ironically the weather mild with light showers and sunny breaks.  Last year at this time we has temps around 115F.  We were surrounded by fire.  To mark this angelversary for 173 people yellow ribbons are being worn, headlights are on as we drive.

I saw a dad interviewed last night.  He lost his wife and three children.  He was down the mountain and couldn't get to them.  They asked him 'how was he doing'.  He said, "there is a brief time when I wake up where its like nothing has changed, then reality hits" he began to cry.  The asked him what he would do to mark the anniversary.  There are many memorial services across the mountains.  He began to tear up and quietly said "I don't know what I will do.  I will probably deal with it by myself in my own way......

Thoughts for the others in this world who wake with a thought that life is good and in a blink of the eye realise its not.

 

 

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andrewsmother

the DAMN KING has left the castle

Dee...I love that!  as some of my friends have said...if he wants to be king...he can go to the jungle, which is where he belongs anyway because he's acting like an animal.

Thank you all for your words and support...I'm feeling a little down today...just a lot to take in in such a short time. 

Im trying to find another job and a new place to live...Chris and Andrew's dad has been especially helpful, he's trying to find us an apartment in his complex, Andrew's death has really changed him, we were barely civil before, now he calls me everyday and comes to see Chris a few times a week.  I'm grateful his wife is such a sweet lady, she has no problem with us living in the same complex.  Also, he has a 4 year old son with her, so it would be good for Chris to be next to his little brother.  Funny, things like that use to bother me...now I want Chris to have a relationship with this boy so he has someone the day I have to go and be with Andrew.

Susanah...I thought about what you said that this may be Andrew's doing...I think you're right...I think Andrew knows what's best for me...he knows Sam is not good enough...so he worked his little angel magic.  I had a conversation with Andrew on my way home from work yesterday...I hope he heard me...I still can't believe my big guy is gone....

Wow...I'm sad...I miss my son...I miss my life and there's not a darned thing I can do about it.  I know, I know..I'm feeling sorry for myself...gotta cut that out and be strong for Chris. 

By the way...I had this great dream last night...I had a dream that Chris and Kristen (his girlfriend....yeah Chris and Kris...funny) had a beautiful baby boy and they had named him Andrew...

Love you guys!

Rosie, Andrew's mom

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Rosie - you're not feeling sorry for yourself.  You have a lot on your plate all at once.  It's overwhelming!  I'm grateful you have your ex and his wife to help you and I'm glad you have us to come to. 

Just food for thought.....my experience...

At about three months I finally went to the doctor.  I couldn't sleep and I couldn't quit crying.  What I didn't know is the medical profession rates stress on a number scale.  Even good change causes stress and they count that, too.  The doctor told me when a person gets to 300 within a certain amount of time - a year or two - their body breaks...either physically or mentally.  I was at a 400 and that didn't even count what was going on with my grandchildren.  It's all a long story and I won't bore you with it..........

I'm just saying you have a lot on your plate.....please be extra gentle with yourself and don't be afraid to reach out (medically) if you need to.

Much love!!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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Dan - you have amazing talent and to quote Maxwell Smart..."you use your talent for good, not evil".  I thank you for including Micheal in the wall of angels - the link and the words.  Trudi

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[user=41012]andrewsmother[/user] wrote:

the DAMN KING has left the castle

 

I will quote my step-father here...." Don't let the door hit ya on the way out "

 

sent you a pm re job

 

bbl

Betsy,mysonRich

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Amanda====What an absolutely beautiful little angel...little Ashton.

Darling little smile. Congratualtions on  having such a wonderful addition

to your family.

Sherry

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Susannah----

Don't have many pics of Lisa, I hope this posts.....(I'm not very good at

posting photos). She was about 4 mo. old in this pic.

post-9024-128153897698_thumb.jpg

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Just wanted to stop in & say hello to everyone. This weeks been tough, haven't felt much like words. Hard to stay focused, hard to stay strong, my moods swings are becoming notorious. Having to fill out some paperwork on our upcoming depo's, I find that it's so much more than just writing answers. It's a life story, a life taken too soon, my son's life.

Rosie- I am so proud of you! Only Andrew & Chris matter & Andrew, I believe, is watching over you both. Believe in yourself, as much as your boys believe in you.

Amanda- Baby Ashton is so beautiful!

Deneace (BjsMom)

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Thoughts for the others in this world who wake with a thought that life is good and in a blink of the eye realise its not.

Trudi - makes me think about how I am lost in my own little world, there are so many others out there who are suffering and, so sadly, many more to come. It is so hard to think that each day someone loses someone they love, another life shattered "in a blink of an eye".....

Amanda - Ashton is soooooooo beautiful....just want to reach into the computer and snuggle him.

Dee - to your 3 friends who are reading yet cannot post my heart hurts for them, my tears fall for them.....I remember, I remember.  I pray that some day soon they can find the strength to post and if not that they continue to find strength in reading.  They are blessed to have you in their lives and you to have them....a true spirit of friendship, that is you Dee....

Greg - you are one amazing man....a donation for bereaved parents for your new printer and the magic it will produce....

Another rough day....memories, longing.....then my son, but no talk about that as I cannot go there, stomache in knots and the xanax is trying to do it's job. 

I love and think of you all, read each and every post.....the day will come when I can post as I once did...right now reading is what is keeping me sane and I thank you all for that...my friends, my friends....

Peace and sweet dreams to all, Kathy

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MaryAnn,Betty, Kathy, Dan, Bonnie,Carol(maybe) east coast Indigos...

 

Here comes Snowzilla !!!!!!!!!

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Oh Sherry!  Look at her try to talk or chew on her fist!  With cheeks that beckons to be kissed!!  Oh, Little Angel! Fluttering here and there with big brother Davey to watch over you until you can be with your mommy again.  Send her sweet angel kisses, baby girl!

Hi Deneace!  I know what you mean about staying focused.  Geeze, I think I'm a multiple personality these days.  Sobbing, laughing, angry, grateful, fighting, loving and all within the space of 60 seconds.  I tell ya, I'm at my best wrapped in my electric blanket in my grieving chair with the laptop on my lap.  Gosh, I've even begun holding the laptop while I watch TV.  Gary calls it my security blanket.  I'm glad you popped in to say hi.  I love seeing Bj's handsome face! 

Somehow I feel more connected to Stephanie when I see your angels. 

Kathy - I don't know where you are.  I haven't had to walk that angelversary, yet.  But, I walk beside you, if you'll let me.  I'm scared, too.  But, I'll hold your hand and together we can stand in the face of the most terrible day of your life and...remember. 

East Coast Indigo's - STAY INSIDE!!!  Nice to see Rich's smiling face, Betsy!

Like many of you, I visited this site several times before ever getting the courage to introduce myself.  No.  It wasn't courage.  It was desperation. 

I am filled with awe and respect at the power of grief.  Patience, gentleness, kindness towards self is a must.  At times it is like meeting myself for the first time.  Is that me curled up on the bathroom floor, biting the towel so no one hears me, as I sob?  Yep.  That's me.  That's me curled up in my grieving chair, wrapped in my electric blanket holding my laptop.  That's me.  The knowledge produces a giggle.  Who would of thunk it? 

Me!  The "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" Susannah who thought she could kick anyone's butt anytime, anywhere.  The Susannah that has overcome more adversity in her lifetime than most even think about. 

Hmmm.  Whipped.  Defeated.  And, powerfully grateful for the experience!!  I got to be her mom!  I know what it feels like to bring a life into this world, and I know what it feels like when that life is ripped from me. 

When I say, "I can't do this!"  What I mean is, "I don't want to do this!"  And, now I realize neither comment matters.  Because I will do this.  My opinion wasn't asked.  Just like there is not an application to fill out before conception - there is not an application to fill out upon departure from this physical world.

Okay.  I'm getting on my nerves.

bye for now.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

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Dan - I am so grateful!  Thank you for adding Stephanie to Never Lose Faith!! 

All of you Indigo's  I LOVE YOU!!  Thank you for being here!  Thank you for understanding.  Oh, God....I'm so sorry you have to understand!! 

Any doubts I had about coming to Little Rock just vanished (for the moment) it is 6 months away.....I change my mind more in 6 minutes than a --- oh - I'm drawing a blank...but, right now, I'm excited to come meet you and hug all of you.  My friends!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom and angel's friend....

Bless you. 

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