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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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shellbellsmom

Trudi since you will be celebrating first just wanted to wish you and your family a blessed holiday., the breakfast sounds wonderful. For everyone else wishing you all a blessed Christmas Eve and Christmas. 

Dee what a wonderful gift for Eri's fund.  My brothers company all pitched in for a donation to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in my daughter’s memory.  He said it really broke him up.  My friend made donations to the Michelle Lunn Hope Foundation for all her boss/ relatives that have everything.  We made donations to our foundation for both Michelle's grandparents in her memory. 

Her grandmother will be so pleased but not sure her grandfather (fathers-father and his step-wife Lucy) will even know there is a foundation in her name.  I guess they will now....Happy Frickin' Christmas. Long story about them.....but in short Michelle didn't really have a great relationship with her Grandpa.  The year before she died when we saw them they handed me a brown bag filled with our family pictures we have given them over the years including Michelle's senior pic she gave them as a gift.  When Michelle saw the bag and the beautifully framed pic of her she said why did they give you those back....she seemed sad  and I said I guess it didn't fit with her decor anymore.  We laughed it off....she always thought they didn't give a crap about her- the only kids that matter were Lucy’s children. So when she died and we had to have a closed casket....we made sure that picture- in the same frame was on  top of the casket so they could see. I bet there are zero pictures of my daughter at their house and they are the only people who have never given us one dime for any of our causes we have had.  And yes, they could easily afford too.  Too sad about them- so hope they like their gift. My husband wrote in their card that we hoped they enjoyed this as much as he did giving it. 

Need to get my butt moving....annual Christmas Eve breakfast with my BF. Feeling a bit under the weather today....finally got a cold, and feel like crap too.  Might go out with the Boy friend (Michelle's for 7 years)  later this afternoon as he's in town, but not getting my hopes up again.  Last few times he has said, lets get together and it never happened.  So if it does it does, if it doesn't I will get over it. 

Here is another picture of my Michelle and son Matthew while they were in Frankenmuth for a Christmas Dinner...it’s not a great picture as she is doing something weird with her eyes but still it’s her and her "boy" as she would call her brother Matt.  

Take Care everyone... hope everyone can make it through the parties, or the get-a-ways....and wishing everyone here a special sign from their child....

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homeschoolmom

I'm all moved out to the guest room upstairs, and I am sitting by the window looking out at the lake, watching the birds wing past, and ducks playing out there. 700 weather. Gotta love FL.  I guess it's safe to say that we won't be having a white Christmas!

Terrie, please by all means go ahead and use the poem.  I won't be after all.  It'll be $500 or so to post as I wrote it, and really don't have the emotional energy to rewrite..., so I'm just posting a very simple verse, and leaving it at that.

My kids have always known there was no Santa Claus, though I told them of the legend of St Nick. In fact Karyn just came and reminded me that I hadn't yet put anything in their stockings (which they get to open tonight after church). It doesn't lessen the excitement at all.  I am thankful I gathered my wits about me long enough to pick out stuff that I know they'll love. Internet shopping is a godsend!

A friend of mine from church is bringing over Bree's favorite brownies.  She has offered to go with me to place the cross at the park where Rohan died... and I am overwhelmed at how some people brave the pain and reach out with hands and hearts...

My uncle and his daughter are coming for Christmas.  He was like a dad to Rohan, and most of the time Rohan could be found round his neck, or clinging to his back like a little monkey, or the two rolling around the floor tickling each other...laughing out loud.  My uncle actually stood infront of the elderly gentleman who was driving the pickup that plowed into Rohan for several long moments at the funeral, and everyone held their breath. Then he reached out and hugged him.  That was the power and the legacy of a little 7 year old boy. 

May memories of a loving, gentle little boy be ever vivid, and linger long past the pain of his loss.

Blessings to all,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

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Good  Morning Indigos

We have made it this far holding each other in our thoughts and prayers.  

I am going out of town without a computer and will return Sunday.

I pray that we each have a peaceful Christmas filled with warm memories of our angels.

I will be thinking of each of you   

[align=center]MERRY CHRISTMAS INDIGO'S [/align]

[align=center]Betty Stephen'smom:)[/align]

[align=center] [/align]

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Shelly  -  Your new office/ craft room (?) sounds wonderful.  I bet the girls enjoy having their own rooms, too.

I'm a bit down this morning.  But, I have to hide it.  I have some excited kids on my hands. 

Sending prayers for each of you today.  Remembering all our children. 

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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heartbeataway

We Wish You a Merry  ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Christmas ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ We Wish You a Merry  ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Christmas ♥ ♥ ♥ We Wish You A Merry ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪Christmas ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪...And A Happy New Year! ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪... !!

[align=center]~ Happy Holidays Indigo's ~

[align=left]with love for the journey,  Bonnie, Jay's Mom

[/align][/align]

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WELL I CANT GET THAT DECRATIVE LIVE BONNIE....BUT

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE TO ALL AND WERE HAVING A WEDDING AT MIDNIGHT........................

I WILL TAKE PICS UNLESS WERE ALL IN OUR PJS AND WARM COATS...LOL

 

 

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Hello to all my fellow Indigos:  A blessed Christmas Eve to all...this morning has been chaotic, and I am trying so hard to settle my mind to the important things of the moment...trying to let the peace of this beautiful season settle my heart...getting ready for the grandies...reliving and redoing some of the traditions of this family...going to Christmas Eve mass with my daughter and her kids to celebrate the birth of Christ.  Then going to her house for eggnog and snacks and let the kids open one present.  I am trying so hard to remember what this blessed day is for...to prepare to celebrate the birth of our precious Lord and Saviour---not to keep my mind on the loss that pulls at my heart and lives in my soul...I thank God for the time I had with Mike...for all the memories, for all the Christmases...my heart is full, thank God, but it is also aching...please, God, help me to replace that ache with gratitude for all that we have been given...for all those memories...Happy birthday, Jesus, Happy Birthday...and Merry Christmas Mike; you are celebrating the birth of your Lord in the very best place to be...walking with your King...I live for the day when we will walk that walk together and I can hold your hand once again and look upon your face... 

Mike's youngest was with us yesterday and when we drove by his old house, where he had his first Christmas with his mommy and daddy and brothers, the one he doesn't even remember, hubby said "Damon, you probably don't even remember that day."  Damon said, "Yes, I do, Papa, I have remembries too!"  Thank you God, for all the "remembries" you have allowed us to create and hold fast to... 

This is Mike at Cathi's house, Christmas Eve 2003...he couldn't decide which of the goodies to take, so he took some of all of them...  

Mikeatcathischristmas03.jpg

You might be able to see in this picture that Mike has the word "luck" tattooed on the fingers of his right hand...when he was going in to the operating room for his 2nd brain surgery of the week, the doctor came and wrote "good" on the fingers of Mike's left hand.  He then crossed Mike's hands, one over the other, across Mike's chest, so it read "good luck"  And indeed, it was good luck...we had Mike for another 17 months after that...had we relied on the first incompetent doctor's work, Mike would have been dead within the week.  Thank you Doctor Black, bless you, and thank you God...for those 17 months, and for all your blessings given to us...thank you for all of the good people here at BI...the gifts of understanding, comfort and love we give to each other keep us going, day to day.

love and peace to all and lots of good "remembries" to take you into the night....Carol  mikesmomrs

ps:  congrats to Kimmy and Cody...a blessed, Christmas eve wedding, so very special...Bonnie, thank you for the joy and lively Christmas wishes...and the very same to you..and all of our Indigos. 

 

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Blessed days to Each Indigo. The world didn't spin the way we wanted it to, but it landed us in the hearts of one another, and our angels are flying in the shape of our hearts, that is the flutter we feel. And so my life is blessed by the love and life of each of you and each of our Angels.

And so this is Christmas, and what have we done...

Never doubt my friends what you have done in this world, you have given the world your Beautiful Baby and you have sought the hands of others when that Baby had to leave.

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IT IS OVERWHELMING WHEN YOU RELIZE OUR CHILDREN ARE SPENDING CHRISTMAS WITH JESUS HIMSELF CELEBRATING HIS BIRTHDAY....WOW AS THE SONG SAYS "I CAN ONLY IMAGINE"

MY CHRISTMAS ANGEL...HER LAST CHRISTMAS WITH US 06'

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Carol, love the Good Luck story, and I love too, really LOVE, that you are looking at those 17 more months as a gift rather than a loss. Oh I know that the loss of Mike is the ULTIMATE loss, but to know in your heart of hearts that the Doc was moved by his passion and the passion of Mike's to give him as much time as he could.

Oh how that Boy loves you, leaving you hearts all about. We miss them so, but they do not miss us, they are with us in ways we don't quite comprehend yet.

SHOUT OUT TO YOU ANGELS; YOU ARE THE REASONS WE SMILE AND THE REASONS WE CRY; THE THIN LINE IS ONE YOU FULLY UNDERSTAND AND WE ARE SO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR CONTINUED MESSAGES OF LOVE.

Betty, a wonderful and peaceful trip I hope. Stephen riding along with you, smiling at his pretty Momma.

Shelly, hang on Sweetie, hang on.

Betsy and Mary Anne, the same, hold on tight as we are here, we have wide arms and huge hearts, we can take care of you. Angels are holding you up as well, like invisible hummingbirds, beating their wings in a steady manner, zipping close to cause a gentle wind in your hair. Kisses.

love,

dee

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I remember when it took maybe a day to get 2 pages of posts here. Now it's a couple of hours.:shock:

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heartbeataway

Greg,

I know what you mean ...... I know I miss stuff because I can't keep up with all the posts anymore!

I've started the book and I'm sure it will be finished before I go to bed tonight. It's addicting!

Lorri,

You're getting pounded with snow, right?  Not good for the midnight wedding or it may just be perfect!  How beautiful!

We're expecting ice tomorrow.  We've been invited to friends but you can't navigate real well on ice!  We're kind of wanting to hunker down and be alone. We shall see ....

Such a happy, joyful time of year for many and such a sad bittersweet memorable time of year for the rest of us ........ I just want it over!

Peace for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

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shellbellsmom

Good night friends....getting ready to call it a night.  Not feeling too well today...bit of a head cold, and a pretty good headache.  Need sleep as my son kept me up until around 3am, last night with friends of his over. 

We have freezing rain and am stressed about my son heading out to visit a friend clear across town.  Went over the cemetery to see the flowers my husband placed there earlier in the day and got stuck there.  The roads are steep and it was icy out so the more I gave it gas the more the car slid off the road....almost drove over a grave. Called my husband who got me out....should of taken his all wheel drive rather than mine.....but needed to go there and tell her I missed her.

Plan on writing my Christmas letter to my girl to put in her stocking. Also am putting in couple of her favorites- Chex mix- cheese, and twizzlers in it.  Wish I felt better...have a house full of relatives coming over for dinner tomorrow. Just got done watching the Christmas Box the movie with my husband. I read the book the other morning and the book is way better- thanks again Greg.  Alot of it was different but the main plot was the same. 

Not looking forward to the morning, that for me is the hardest when its quiet and my mind will be full of Christmas's from the past where my whole family was alive.  Will try and keep busy the rest of the day to keep my mind from going crazy. Wishing everyone some peace tomorrow.  Will be thinking about all our kids hanging out together dancing with al the angels and coming face to face with Jesus.....  Sue

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MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL INDIGO'S.....I know how hard it is for all of us, for some of you even harder.   The presents are wrapped, under the tree and Tavian is fast asleep - I am tired but cannot sleep.  I read all the posts and would love to respond to each of you but the energy has left me, weary and teary.

I went shopping today by myself, out of the house by 7.....needed some time alone. Tavian went to work with Barry for 1/2 a day, exciting for him.  Anyway, I was looking for a sign all while I was out and about, just kept thinking that somehow, someway Jessica would let me know something......I was in Target standing in line and a young man of about 16 or 17 was with his girlfriend in front of me, he was buying a gift for his mom and he was one dollar short, he was emptying his pockets searching for change and I handed him the one dollar, he said no, it is ok and I replied "it is only one dollar so please take it and Merry Christmas so he did. He left the store and I was checking out when this woman came up to me and said "are you the lady who gave my son a dollar and I said yes and she said "thank you so much, you have made my Christmas special", she had tears in her eyes and she hugged me and walked away.....I got my sign;)

Lorrie - it is 11:14....in just a short time you will be watching your beautiful Kim get married...I am so happy for you and her.....bless you.   I think we were all screaming with you but smile as you watch the magic of marriage.

Bless each and everyone of you my dear dear friends....our Angels our together as we are together here......I love you all. Kathy

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I made this for my son and daughter tonight.In memory of their brother.

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Greg, beautiful, just beautiful.  Sue:  thank you for sharing that heartbreakingly beautiful song...

Kathy---my heart is with you...

Pattie...beautiful picture...

Dee:  thank you for your sweet words...

love and peace to all of my fellow Indigos, this blessed night...carol Mikemomrs

 

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 SO WE GET TO GOLDSBY AND THE TRAFFIC STOPPED...TOOK 3 HOURS TO GO 72 MILES THEN 4 HOURS TO GO 100 YARDS SO WE TURNED AROUND AND CAME HOME...LEFT ARDMORE AT 12:30 PM GOT HOME 10:55 PM...WHAT A LONG DAY..ALL TO BRING KIMMY AND CODY HOME AND IT DIDNT EVEN HAPPEN...:(

WASTED ALL DAY AND GOT NOTHING ACCOMPLISHED..AND THIS MEANS THE WEDDING DIDNT HAPPEN..NO BRIDE OR GROOM...KIMBERLY CRIED HERSELF TO SLEEP..:(

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OH SADNESS LORRI< I am so sorry that this did not come together, will this be a re-do the day after Christmas? Wow, I wish I could take the frustration out of the day for you all. Sleep and see how you are feeling tomorrow.

I agree Bonnie, looking forward to December 26, 2o1o.

Patti, You and Chris look beautiful in that photo, gorgeous shot of you both. Hang on tight to us, to your husband, to your belief system...you are so new to this grief. As the others dealing with their first Christmas missing their Child, you are also but your loss so very recent that one day might seem like the next. I will keep you in my thoughts Patti as you make the steps necessary to the journey. Peace and somehow, a blessed day.

Sue, I hope the quiet of the morning is somehow restorative and healing. Love the song.

I have been sneezing and blowing my nose all day too, as though I have had some wild allergy, but now as it gets very late, I am feeling like I am getting sick. I held babies yesterday adn pray I did not give them this. My nose is raw from blowing it so much, husband says I look a lot like a famous Reindeer. Oh thanks.

Greg, what a beauty of a video, tears that I cannot afford since I am so plugged up...I love the siblings together.

Merry Christmas Dear Friends, you have provided a most treasured gift, your golden friendship.

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Merry Christmas Indigo's.... :(

I haven't read all the posts, yet, or listened to the video's.  I don't want to wake everyone up and I'm not sure where I put my earphones.  But, I will.

It's 3am again.  All the family was here last night.  I managed to pull it off.  Lots of food.  Lots of music.  Lots of laughter.  Gary read the Christmas story from the bible.  He began where Gabrial tells Mary she's pregnant, went through Elizabeth's conception...I thought he was going to read through the resurrection.  :shock:  The kids were getting restless, so I politely asked him, "How far are you going to read, Honey?"   He thought that was a good stopping place.

I broke down in loud sobs at one point.  My oldest daughter just held me and the kids gathered round and we all hugged.  My daughter kept saying, "She's still here, Mom." 

"but I can't touch her."  I whispered.  This was harder than I meant for it to be.  I will try to keep in control today, so as not to ruin the day for anyone.  I had to turn off the Christmas music (Some of it is so sad!) and, turned on some 60's oldies.  We danced and rocked and sang to Louie, louie, Wild thing, Do you love me?  Oh my gosh I was tired.  We made a dance train and danced all around.  The kids had so much fun.

The rest of the night went smoothly.  The kid's dad (ex son in law) had a good visit with us.  We didn't go through the usual locking up that we do every night.  The person we have been making sure stayed out, was sleeping in the next room.  :D

When he first arrived, Mariah said "Daddy come sit by me on the couch.  I want to talk to you."  From the kitchen I heard her say, "Jordynn (her cousin) said when you were there at Thanksgiving you said you wanted to get your kids back."

At that I came from the kitchen and knelt in front of them and reminded them that they were going to live here, but visit daddy and it's all going to be okay because Grandma and daddy are going to get along.  Mariah said okay.

Later, she took me in the bedroom and told me she would be scared staying with him if I wasn't there.  I assured her, then, she would not have to stay.  Later, I told Kevin what she said and he told me she had already told him that.

I'm quite proud of her..

Anyway, sorry this is so long.  I've been trying to make shorter posts. 

I'm not sad right now.  Well, there's that underlying saddness that never leaves.  I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about.  But, I'm not devastated to the point of dysfunction like I was when I found you guys. 

We talked a lot about Stephanie. 

I do hope you all have the best day possible under the circ**stances.  I'm going to get a cup of coffee and try to find my headphones.

Loving all of you.  Thinking of all our children.

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

 

 

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Good morning my fellow Indigos. I was awake before the alarm today. Must have been Kayla giving me the nudge like she did every xmas morning. She couldnt stand to wait for the others to get up so would be quite noisy. Uggh, I so miss those times.

Lorri, I am so heartbroken that the wedding didnt take place. Take it as a sign from beautiful Kourtney that she deemed the time to be used to celebrate the birth of the big guy upstairs ;)

Dee, thank you for your magical words.

Will watch the videos tonight as I must get ready for a day of work. It will be yet another busy day with shoppers needing that unexpected gift.

Love & Hugs to ALL,

Lynn

  Merry Christmas!!     Thinking of All our ANGELS with a candle to guide them.

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shellbellsmom

Patti hang on to that feeling that  you had in that picture of you and your Chris today....try and think of all the good Christmas's that you both shared together. 

Greg awesome video....you sure have a knack for picking out the best song.  That's what my girl did for me when I worked on theses.....I would look for days and then she would pop in with "use this one" and it would be perfect. 

Lorrie, so sorry the wedding didn't go off like you all had planned.  What was the deal with the traffic....was it bad weather in your area?

Susannah, glad to hear the evening went well....hopefully your spirits will be lifted when the kids wake and you know they truly will have a great Christmas this year....light a candle and tell the kids to watch it flicker...tell them thats their mom letting them know shes there too. Mine is going crazy right now.....love it.

Dee,  I hope you feel better than this old snotty nose lady does.  Head feels like it should explode and afraid to blow my nose as woke to another nose bleed since I have been blowing it so much. 

Son is still sleeping.....but so glad he gave me a early gift- and one he doesn't even know he did.  He stayed home last night rather than run the roads- sheet of ice- some churches were even closed.  At about 12:00 my husband woke and said...."Matt didn't go out" with a big smile.  I guess he got his gift too.  So its not just me that is a nervous wreak about our son.

Wrote my Christmas letter and when I was putting it in her stocking I came across last years letter.  Much prettier, longer and with colorful scenic paper.  Didn't read as my eyes hurt to much.  Will read it later.   

We'll off to get another cup of coffee.  Still have a couple "happy Christmas letters" that I have not read yet...you know the ones with the happy family...and the story of their wonderful happy year with all their happy memories.  One is from my sister and I was telling her that in one of my support groups we laughed about bringing them all in and burning them all together or writing up one of our own to share....but ours wouldn't have the same happy tone to it.  (We didn't though).  She said she never thought about what those letters did to people not having such happy years.  I will someday read them...when my head feels better.

Merry Christmas to everyone here....wishing you the best possible day.  My gift is having this site to post to...share my thoughts, my signs, my good and bad days, my pictures and my memories of my angel girl...  Thanks for my gift from you all.

Peace, Sue

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YES IT WAS THE WEATHER AND PROBABLY REDNECKS...BUT WE FINALLY GOT HOME..STRANDED FOR 7HOURS WAS RUFF...I HAD TO WEWE SO IT FINALLY GOT DARK AND I TOOK MY WIND PANTS OFF AND OPENED THE 2 DOORS ON THE AVELANCHE AND MADE YELLOW SNOW.....I WAS HURTING SO BAD I WAS ALMOST CRYING...

POOR KIMMY THOUGH SHE CRIED HERSELF TO SLEEP

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Good morning Indigos: We had a peaceful evening last night, as we went from early Mass to my daughter, Cathi's house...the first few moments there were shaky, as I couldn't take my eyes off the doorway where Mike stood on his last Christmas there...but, eventually the joy of family and memories shared took over my heart...feeling joy and gratitude in my heart as I looked at Davis, knowing how far he's come in his journey this past year to turn his life around, gave my heart pause and reason again to be so thankful...

Lorri:  so very sorry about the terrible time you all had last night, and Kimmy crying herself to sleep.  Perhaps this day will bring peace to all of your hearts and you will make plans to do this another day...while the idea was truly beautiful in its concept, perhaps the reality of it was not to be on this day...I hope you day today is calm, with love surrounding all of you...you know that Kourtney is right there with you.

Susannah:  I am so glad that you all had such a wonderful time dancing and being together...sounds like the day went as well as it could have...the breakdown you had was perfectly normal, we can all attest to that.  Our first Christmas without Mike, his wife Sarah brought their baby (who had just turned 2), and Mike's two older boys also came, and spent the night before Christmas Eve.  On Christmas Eve, we had their Christmas.  During the opening of the presents, Mike's middle boy, Kameron, came to me and put his arms around me and started crying...soon his older brother, Chandler, followed.  They both sat around me, all of our arms entwined, and cried their little hearts out.  It was a good release for them, and they were much happier after that and truly enjoyed the day.  Their dad had left a couple of Christmas presents for them, and they were really surprised and pleased about it.  (Their dad passed in October, and knowing he only had a few days left, arranged, with his sister and myself, to get them a "keepsake" present, as well as a toy...they all still have their keepsakes, as well as the toys, but the love they felt over their dad "taking care of them" will outlast both, I believe. 

Shelly:  thinking of you today and tomorrow especially, and holding you close in prayer and thoughts.  May your children keep your day going, may Rohan surround you with love and signs...that was such a beautiful thing that Rohan's unlce did at Rohan's services...Rohan's love continues, surrounds, brings peace, even in his physical absence. 

Sue, Dee, Mary ann, Betsy, Betty, Bonnie, Lynn, Greg, Dan, Dale, Carrie and Donna, Marcia, dannysmomma, Colleen (hope you are enjoying the sunshine in CA), Kathy, Cindy, Terrie, Pattie, Leah, Sherry, Sonya, Trudi (I know you are in the aftermath of this day already...) and I hope I haven't left anyone out...you all are in my thoughts and prayers for peace on this day that is meant to bring peace to the world...may the "remembries" (as Damon calls them) of your sweet children carry you through the bittersweetness of this day...our angels surround us with their love...

love and peace to you all...carol  mikesmomrs

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HELLO INDIGOS,

Merry Christmas and Merry day after to our Down Under Girl...I hope that Everyone is finding ways to move through the day with some goodness, but I do know that tears are in order for most of us so don't feel you are doing anything wrong by letting them fall from your eyes.

I am sneezing and blowing my nose every minute or so, wow, I really do look like Rudolph. So here we are, making food to take to John's (husband) family, his mom is at a senior home and we will converge there with food and gifts. The nicest part of that is it is very close, 2 miles away, and so we needn't travel in the icy odd weather we are experiencing. It rained on and off all night, I know because I was up so much of it with this out of nowhere cold.

Sounds like you Sue, have the same one. I am glad for you that your Son, who by the way looks very much like his sister, Shell, did not go out last evening adn stayed put on an icy night in Michigan.

Carol, I am happy that you are able to look at the Boys and see the hope and the strength that they have gained, in part to what you all have had to share in the grief journey. To spend time wtih your Daughters who hold their Bro in high esteem, and together enjoy the remembries. A word that I do believe should be in the dictionary.

To Each of you Lovely Friends, May you always know of your strength, even on the days that you feel as though there simply is nothing left inside of you, there is, there is the love of Your Angel, beating inside your chest. And so this is Christmas.

with great love,

dee

PS, as usual Lorri, thank you for the laughter even in your frustration; yellow snow.

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For those of us with love of hearth

content to stay at home.

For those of us with gyspy hearts

whose feet forever roam.

For those who hold their compass firm,

their path always in sight.

For those of us who’ve lost their way

and struggle in the night.

For those of us who have traveled far,

beyond the pale and more…

For those of us who miss you so,

you who have gone before.

No candle in the window

Can lead us all the way.

No lantern burns bright enough,

No matter what they say.

Those lights all diminish

With fuels that will run dry.

So what are we to do

When the season makes us cry?

The only light that's true enough

And safe from any vandal:

Is the love contained within us all

So our heart become the candle.

dear, dear fellow indigos,

i am thinking of all of you today and everyday. i posted my poem on the main site, but wrote it for all of us here who share the heartbreak, bittersweetness and all the other emotions we share on this journey...

love to you all. none of us would make without the others.

annie

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[user=18746]k8smum[/user] wrote:

For those of us with love of hearth

content to stay at home.

For those of us with gyspy hearts

whose feet forever roam.

For those who hold their compass firm,

their path always in sight.

For those of us who’ve lost their way

and struggle in the night.

For those of us who have traveled far,

beyond the pale and more…

For those of us who miss you so,

you who have gone before.

No candle in the window

Can lead us all the way.

No lantern burns bright enough,

No matter what they say.

Those lights all diminish

With fuels that will run dry.

So what are we to do

When the season makes us cry?

The only light that's true enough

And safe from any vandal:

Is the love contained within us all

So our heart become the candle.

dear, dear fellow indigos,

i am thinking of all of you today and everyday. i posted my poem on the main site, but wrote it for all of us here who share the heartbreak, bittersweetness and all the other emotions we share on this journey...

love to you all. none of us would make without the others.

annie

Annie - Words from the heart of one who knows.  Love to see Caitlin's face again.  Hoping you are travelling okay this time of year....

Yes its now Boxing Day in the land downunder.  Stories of winter snow, ice rain and horrendous travel from the US fill our news.  Here its mild, light rain over night with the promise of sunshine this afternoon.

Christmas day was long.  We went to Mal's brothers home in the foothills of the Yarra Valley Ranges.  Beautiful countryside.   The family McLeod in tact from the 80+ grandparents down to baby Dion.  It was like I was a spectator, not really knowing the family and just wanting to walk into the moutains and blend.

Little man, how you warm the heart.

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Its funny how this journey changes perceptions.  I had sms'd Melissa and Steven early cause there was no signal where we were going.   Around 1.30pm on our way home my phone rang...it was Steven.  My heart broke as I heard the fear in  his voice..he thought I sent my Christmas wish and turned my phone off - he had thought the worse, missing Mike was too much for me to handle...oh my baby boy..

Today around 6pm my babies and grandies will be here.  Bill and his family as well.  Our centrepiece holds 6 candles.  For Mike, Luke (Bills son) mum, dad and the BI kids - the light will burn throughout.

For those where the weather is abysmal, pls stay safe.  For those with the colds, take care of yourself.  For those lost these holidays holdfast to someone something so you may find your way back......

Take Care Indigo's.....Trudi

As we left home yesterday early, this break in an otherwise grey sky caught me.  Merry Christmas Mike

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Merry Christmas

Lynn, I would like to say " thank you" for the dedication to you job and all the people at CVS and others that worked today. I forgot my bp Rx and was able to get it filled in another state within an hour. Thank you.

k8smum, beautiful poem . Our hearts are the candles.

Dee, thank you for always being here, you seem to stand vigilant on  the holidays. I know this is not easy for you and I wanted to let you know that I did notice.

Lorri, I wanted to do the same thing last night but there were cars all around. I made it though !

I purchased a gift for Sarah. A book of short essays by David Sedaris. I was wrapping and writing her name on the gift tag thinking ,,,what child would this gift be for? I no longer have Rich. I will never write his name on another gift tag..why write a gift tag at all?

Sarah said upon opening her gift, " I thought you said this was a short essay book" I told her it was, an older work and something different from 1995. SHe said " its not essay's and not one on my list but I'll enjoy reading it"

Me...long story short, I have lost my mind....not the book or author..its my book! I wrapped my already read book and gave it to her.

I have to laugh at myself.

everyone, thank you for being here.

Betsy,mysonRich

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Hello Everyone.

I just downloaded the Xmas pictures and saw this.  Mariah is standing by Grandpa while he downloads songs on to her new ipod. 

Check out the orb.  It has a pink tint to it.  I'm so excited!!

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Susannah - Oh I see you have another guest for Christmas.....love orbs.  In awe of Grandpa downloading to iPod....I download and it cancels whatever I loaded earlier....

 

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OK THE KIDS MADE IT IN THE WEDDING IS ON...HEADN TO THE PARK HOPEFULLY I WILL HAVE PICS...

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Annie, I love to think of my heart as a candle, and so thank you so much for the lovely thought, we are beacons then, in any storm, in this storm.A beautiful poem.

Trudi, a lovely couple of photos. SO glad that the day went along, and I so know what you mean about melding into the mountains, becoming part of the landscape.

I long to get out for a walk but it has been raining here and this cold and slight fever now, is taking me down. I just awoke from a long nap, very useful things, naps...I wonder who invented them. So no outdoors today. We spent a nice afternoon at John's Moms with all of his siblings and many nieces and nephews.

Lorri, how wonderful to have a Christmas wedding. Cheers and wonderment!

Lynn, I need the pharmacy, thank you for being there for others today. Hoping that you are finding Kayla in the day.

Betsy, I am glad that you are out there, I miss you. I love David Sedaris and in fact, handed Jonathan one of mine a couple weeks ago. I had given Michael, His daddy, a book of his short stories last year for Christmas. He laughed and laughed when he read it. DOn't know if JOn will read it but if he does, I know it wil put a smile on his 'kisser.' I have seen D.Sedaris in person, and oh my, he is one funny dude. But I love that you wrapped a book that you own already, just shows you how we sometimes simply get through things without fully being there. Or that Rich was messing with you...

Susannah, love the ORB and that it is pink? WEll, that is priceless/

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homeschoolmom

Wow...what a day! Wasn't all bad, had a couple VERY rough spots...but made it through.  I am sure though that I don't want to repeat this.  Haven't heard back from the newspaper about the memoriam, so don't think it'll be in the papers tomorrow.  Oh well.

This afternoon, I called my biological dad who I talk to about 3-4 times per year. I was tearing up (quite not the thing for me) and he sent me off to go make dinner for my family. Obediently I went off, and it was good.  Roast pork tenderloin, creamy onion soup, rice flavored with rosemary and coconut milk, green beans... As always, cooking is my stress reliever.  Glad my dad realized he was too far away to be of any real comfort- and directed me to my "safe zone."

Tomorrow. I guess I need say no more. Somehow though, I will make it. And I will smile for my boy.

Rohan- my precious huggy-boy! Rohan...child of my heart.

Shelly

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Stealing a minute to pop by and wish everyone a Merry Christmas!We made it thru our first,left a candle burning on the front porch last night and it's still burning now.Funny thing about today,things kept disappearing this morning and my ash vial that I wear is still missing.I know it'll turn up..I hope..  I left it on my nightstand and it's gone,looked everywhere for it,maybe Danny playing hide and seek with me ,he was silly like that,used to thief my rings to give to his "crushes" in school;)Even tho his presence was very much missed the kids had a nice Christmas,made me happy to see them being kids,even the oldest one's.Much love to you all{{{hugs}}}Lyn    below is Danny Xmas 2008

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heartbeataway

Hello fellow Indigo's,

This day has been so, so long to me!

Rich and I exchanged our little gifts this morning.  No mimosas, no poinsettias and no homemade cinnamon buns.

Then I made a Pecan Pie, deviled eggs and baked beans ( I know it was an unusual Christmas menu!) and we went to Jason's friends house for Christmas dinner.

After dinner, we played a game (Farkle)  It was fun and we are glad that we went.

But, on the way home, I told Rich that we are almost through this day ......

That's my focus, get through this day!

Greg, love the video!

Carol, love the heart!

I enjoy all the pictures and videos and stories!

Lorri, looking forward to the wedding pictures!  Kimberly will not cry herself to sleep tonight!

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jason's Mom

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IT WAS REALLY A NICE LIL WEDDING I WILLPOST PICS AS SOON AS I FIGURE OUT ALL MY NEW SCANNER / PRINTER STUFF....GOT SWEET GIFTS,....YAH MEEEEEEEEEE

MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL OUR ANGELS....................

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Greg - How did your kids react to the video?  So much love and tenderness.  I am a fan of Vince Gill...that WAS who was singing, wasn't it?  I had never heard that song before.  What a treasure you created for your kids.  You're a good dad!!!

Pattie - Wonderful picture of you and Kekoa!

Lorri - My hope is you are at a wedding right now!  Hopefully you didn't have to wait so long for a potty break.  All I could think was brrrrrr!

Carol - My heart went out to Kameron and Chandler as you shared your love and comfort while they opened their keepsake from their daddy who thought so much of them to think ahead.  What a man Mike must have been!

Annie - Indeed, our candle heart will never burn out.  Beautiful poem.

Trudi - What a sweet little bundle!  I love the hole of light peeking through the storm clouds!

Betsy - I laughed out loud about wrapping the wrong book.  That is SO me.....At least you caught it before she left and you found yourself wondering what happened to your book.

Shelly - I'm not sure what to say.  Your dinner sounds wonderful.  It's nice that you can call your biological father. 

dannysmomma - Oh no!  LOL  There has to be some good stories about how you got your rings back from Danny's crushes.  Too funny.

I'm sure I've missed someone.  I'm sure it was unintentional.  I'm still pretty jazzed about the orb.  When I told my daughter about it, she said there was another pink orb on the picture I sent to her of the owl little Jasmine drew the other day.  (a long story)  Sure enough....there it was.  A perfectly round, pink orb.  Too cool!

I may not be convinced in a couple of hours, but right now I'm convinced (I think) that Stephanie is making herself known.  Anyway, it makes me feel better to think so. :)

Powerful stuff!

Much love!

Susannah/Stephanie's mom

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Happy holidays all.

Here we celebrate memories not christmas. Feelings not presents. and Zachys' love of christmas. To Zachy christmas was not one day it was every day leading up to the one day. So for us now it is a ritual not a holiday.

I kept the walls of disassociation up till we went to his site. Then they crumbled. I should not be visiting my baby in a cemetery. He should of been in his bed this morning till he woke up and woke us up. I cried like a baby for my baby. I miss him so darn much. I miss him singing songs. Just before we left his site all of his lights light up. I know he was saying he's ok but I want him back.

It has been rough for awhile and there are a couple of people who I am so darn ticked off at. One woman called me the other day and said oh i know the loss of a loved one is hard but in a couple of years you will be fine. I got off the phone cuz i knew if i didn't I was gonna cuss her up one side and down the other. The second one actually asked my husband if he thought that I had a part in Zachys' death as if I shot my angel. He thinks I don't show the proper emotions for a mother who lost a son. When he arrived at the hospital that night I was shut down and in save my husband mode. I felt nothing and showed nothing except complete concern about the fact that my husband may take his own life when he heard about our son. I have perfected the art of disassociation. I have done it all my life. I had a very excellent psych doctor point out that I am a perfect case of disassociation. I just want to kick frank in the balls. I hate peole who don't understand.

 

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Hello all Indigo's - it has been a long, long day.....up at 6 a.m. and friends just left 1/2 hour ago......all I wanted to do was be here and read all the posts and respond but it will have to wait until tomorrow.       Tavian had a wonderful Christmas, busy day for him but we never left the house...he zonked out about 10:45 so hopefully he will sleep in tomorrow.

Susannah - I LOVE THE PINK ORB.....i am so excited for you....when orbs show it makes my heart so very happy.....a sign.

Greg - the video is amazing....I was lost in it, tears slowly rolling down. What a wonderful man you are, a wonderful father and a good friend to all. Bless you and your family.

Ashton is beautiful, what a perfect gift....

To everyone else I am sorry but I am just to tired to write any more.....Tavian has his own lap top now so I get to use mine when ever I want......time to catch up with all.

I love you all.  I am so glad today is over.

Jessica my baby, I had your candle lit all day along side of one for Billy and one for all of the Indigo Angels....I know that you were watching over us today, I felt your presence but so badly want your hugs....want you home with us....I miss you so much.....fly high my girl, light up the sky with all the Angels. Love mom

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Ashton is BEAUTIFUL, never saw a better looking Santa in all my days Amanda. You look terrific too, as though you have not pregnancy weight at all. HOw nice for you. What a special time this is for you and your Family.

Zachy's Mom, there is bound to be some anger and struggle in this piece of things. You say that you have a dissociative issue? Is that due to early childhood trauma? I am asking because of my interest in that aspect of abuse and trauma. How is your Daughter doing these days? I am imagining this time of holidays to be rough for you, and I am holding out my arms to hold you and all those new to this terrain. I promise that life will feel better than it does now, Promise.

Kath, get some rest, I am pooped and slammed by this cold. Ick. It is snowing here and windy after a night last night of rain.  Interesting weather pattern.

Sus, I do believe, so enjoy those orbs.

Sleep tight

dee

PS Congrats to Kim and Cody Lorr.

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It is due to my childhood if you would like to talk more about it pm me what questions you have and I will answer

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Thanks Dee, I have actually lost 25 lbs already and had only gained 30 so i'm pretty happy about that!! Still want to lose more though and get to start working out in a few weeks. I have to start school on the 4th and am so not ready to leave my baby but my mother in law isn't working anymore and is going to come watch him at the house so i will feel good knowing he is here with her!! Hope everyone had a great christmas, this was my first white christmas ever. I have never seen it snow like it did. It was really scary to drive in. I didn't believe them when they said blizzard because it never does that here and so we went out to my mother in laws and by the time we left we couldn't see anything but white snow and had to drive 15 miles per hour so it took us an hour and a half to drive 25 miles home. It was scary. But anyways I hope everyone is doing well.

Amanda

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Checking in to say goodnight, after a very long day...kids (Cathi, Davis and Jamie) got here mid-afternoon...all were thrilled with their gifts...a quiet dinner, thtaq wasn't so good..tried that "Honeybaked ham" and though the ham was good, the turkey we got with it was, as my husband says, "JPA" (just plain awful).  Will have to write them about it...it was that bad.

I hope that you all were able to move through the day, no matter what stage of this journey you are in, and find some peace and some sweet memories to help you move each step and breathe each breath.  We know that our angels were with us..through orbs, birds or whatever manner they chose to make their spirit known...perhaps just a brush of their lips somewhere near our face...a faint feeling of closeness...a special skip in the beat of our heart, even for a moment...

Amanda:  Ashton is just beautiful...so sweet and new...just adorable...

Beth:  Holding you close as you move through this journey...know that Zachy is right there with you...

Susannah:  the orbs, powerful stuff, filling of the heart's empty spaces...

Oh, Trudi:  so very sorry for Steven's anxiety over your message...it tears your heart while at the same time, warming it with the love he feels for you...Mal's grandie looks so beautiful...hope you had a good day with all the other grandies...

Dee:  Take care, get lots of rest and sleep, I know your sweet John is taking good care of you...

Shelly:  prayers to you for this day...Rohan, please send your momma a sign that you are there with her, safe and happy and in your full glory of being...

Lorri:  I hope that Kimmy and Cody are resting in each other's arms tonight as Mr. and Mrs. again, no tears for Kimmy on this night, just joy in their refound love for each other...

Kids stayed to watch "The Christmas Story," something we had always done each year before, but haven't since Mike passed.  This Christmas was different, somehow.  more healing has taken place...less "kick in the gut" types of moments...just that continual longing, longing for something that I know can't happen...holding my son once again.  The kids were excited about their gifts...for the past two years, we've just put their gifts in "gift bags," and it hasn't seemed like much of a "surprise event."  This year, we used boxes, and wrapping and special ribbons with trims, etc., my usual mode...everyone had at least one special package that is just a delight to look at...this happened this year, totally unplanned...just happened.   I've laways loved it when someone says "It's too pretty to open."  Sounds so trivial, but it speaks to my creative side, and that side has been silent for too long.  Cathi made a special gift happen...I had given her a decorated glass Christmas ornament last year, with a hand-painted scene from fenway Park on it...(I know, this sounds "Kitschy" but you have to have been there...lol), and she and I shared in the uniqueness of it, and she loved it.  So did I.  This year, she wanted to get one for me...none left.  So, in a last desperate moment, she googled the artist whose name was on hers.  Found her; got the ornament, and proudly presented it to me...so special a gift, especially for her  care in finding something she knew meant a lot to me...

Tomorrow, Mike's three boys and his wife Sarah will come to do their Christmas.  It will be a busy day, as we got the boys a couple of gift certificates, and I will take them to the store later in the day to spend them.  Lots of fun, but I know I will fall into bed when I finally get home! Wouldn't miss it though, it is fun to be with them, no matter what we do.

My "Fenway Park" treat, and our tree, though one pic of the tree you can't see the top, it does show it closer up...

FenwayParkoutfieldview.jpgFenwayparkhomeplateinfieldview.jpg

 Christmastree09.jpgIMG_0001.jpg

love and peace, all, Carol  Mikesmomrs

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4everjoeysmom

Ashton is the cutest little Santa I've ever seen.

Sounds like everyone has reasonable made it through Christmas, but now exhausted. I am no exception to that. We were out all day Wednesday and Thursday, feeding folks, delivering baskets, lots of ministry outreach. I didn't manage myself very well in all of that, didn't eat much, was completely wiped out yesterday...stayed in bed for the most part of the day and watched movies, napped and just rested. With a headache and upset stomach over the past many days, hope it isn't a yucky parasite bug/ Must go get the antibiotics for that, as I generally take it every 6 months as precaution, but have had parasites twice and its no fun.

Carol, that Honey Baked turkey sounds like a terrible compressed meat roll. But they aren't known for their turkey. That's for sure. Sorry it was a bad experience for your family dinner.

For Zachy's Mom and the so many others who have just come through the first Christmas, my heart to you. It's so hard walking through this part of the journey. With each step, we get through another hard part. Sometimes it doesn't seem like we'll ever know parts of the journey that are sweet... but there will be... in time... People will always say wrong things during times when they don't know what else to say. It makes moments harder for us, but they don't mean to. My response would be "Thank God you don't have to know if in 2 years it will be better..." People just don't know... Lucky for them!

It's good to see all the posts and our babies' faces here. I want to write so much more, as it's been a while that I've said much of anything meaningful. But it will have to wait for a time when I don't have this pounding headache and ill stomach. For now, just good to visit and see our kids and hear your Christmas survival stories.

Much love to all! ~Claudia

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heartbeataway

Claudia,

Hope you feel better soon ...... sounds like rest might be the best tonic for you.  You've been busy!

Carol,

Love the picture of the tree and the ornament is awesome!  Sorry about the JPA turkey.  I didn't even know you could buy a honey baked turkey!

I have a lot to do today so I guess I best get started.

Love for the journey,

Bonnie, Jay's Mom

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heartbeataway

Rohan  ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ We're saying his name today  ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ Rohan  ♪♫•*¨*•.¸¸ ¸¸.•*¨*•♫♪ we're thinking of you and saying his name ....

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