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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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MissingChris, what you have to say helps a lot. Knowing there are others out there going through the same emotions and heartache can show we are not alone. As time goes along it can also show that healing can take place. Maybe it isn't happening now, way too soon, but later there really is some hope.

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Griffinsmom (Everybody),

I think that what you are doing is exactly what I would advise. I made a conscious effort to keep myself sane. Like you, I read books, made myself think about dreaming about my son before I fell a sleep, stopped looking into the future (that is still hard) and did everything I could to keep myself in the minute. It is difficult, because as Briansdad said, we will still have our moments. I can tell you this though, after three and a half years I do have some really good moments, but I also have really bad moments. After three and a half years I have learned that each of those moments are exactly what they are- moments. So, when I have a good one... I keep myself in it, because I know that there will be a bad moment that I have to pull myself out of.

I remember doing exactly what all of you are doing in the first two years of your grief. I felt like I wasn't going to make it. Sadness was everywhere in my thoughts. I was looking at my life, my living son's life, my husband's life and thinking, "poor us, why work towards anything... we could just die and it would all be for nothing". I had given up. I hurt so bad that I couldn't even imagine caring about ANYTHING, outside of my family. I had no HOPE. I had no HAPPINESS. I had not COURAGE. I had no WILL. I had no GOALS. But that has all changed. I do have hope, happiness, courage, will and goals. But, I also have loss that I carry around with all of those feelings. My body has evolved to be able to accept all of those emotions and thought processes, while I carry my loss with me. Somehow our body and mind adapt and helps us to expand our ability to COPE and ENJOY life again.

We do have to make a conscious effort to seek tools for ourselves. Find what works and helps you through this painful part of your life.

Peace to you, Tina

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Dear Griffinsmom, i have a lot of close relatives that have crossed over,so the one thing that helps me a little bit is the fact that i tell myself that Nathan is with all of them and they are probaly having a better time than us,and one day we will all be together again. I agree with Artina though i have a hard time dealing with the future,i use to want to live a long and happy life,now i am ready to go when the good lord feels fit. Dear Missingchris,i feel alot of what you are feeling ,going into the market was the hardest thing after losing Nathan because all my shopping was geared for him,i still save frozen pizza coupons,but i hate frozen pizza's,and it kills me to watch the other families,because my son use to love to shop with me,it took a long time before i could go into the market without crying all the way home.T/C Kathy,Natesmom

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Artina,

Thanks for putting so many of my feelings and emotions

into words. I am at the 2 yr. mark (june '03), and I

have many of the emotions you describe. They are not as

raw as there were, but now have a deeper,duller, indwelling

ache to them. Your posts help so much. My prayers are for

every single parent who comes to this site that we may

find some peace.

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Briansdad,

You mentioned that you have done the "countdown" thing

leading up to your angel day. That is especially painful,

isn't it? I have done the same. As you said, it is sometimes

difficult to stay in the present rather than venture into

the past or future where we get ambushed by painful feelings.

Peace to all.

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Aprilsmom,

Seeing the exact same Peterbuilt truck that was involved

is such an excruciating thing. I don't know the exact

truck that killed my son, but every one that I see, I

wonder if that could be the one. My thoughts & prayers

are with you.

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Julsmom,

You mentioned that you & your husband did not have to

go & identify your dear daughter. We were not called

upon to identify our son either. I believe it was a

blessing from God that we did not have to do that. He

had his ID with him. I think that having to do that

would be an overwhelming thing to have to do. I hope

and pray that you can find some moments of comfort.

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Cboysmom and Kathy714,

My heart goes out to you as you are nearing your first

angel day. I believe that everyone here has each of us

in their thoughts as they read the posts. May you find

some tranquility amidst your sorrow.

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Aprilsmom,

You asked what I plan to do on THE DAY I\'m not running away I\'m going to go head first and stare that son of a bitch down! The night before I'm going to sleep in his bed and then I\'m getting up early just like he did.and I\'m going to go and sit at the site where he died and wait for the time he had the accident.I want to see what he saw his last minutes on this earth.NUTS? Maybe but I don\'t know what else to do.I too hate to see kids on crotch rocket motorcycles it puts salt in the wound.I can\'t even think about eating at the resturant where I was having lunch when the Highway Patrol tracked me down to tell me.After I get back from the accident site I guess I\'ll go to the cemetery and release a balloon.I not going to try and make a big deal though.I\'ll just keep it to family and close friends if anyone.I want to celebrate his life so the big day will always be his birthday.

Anyway that's my 2 cents for what it's worth.

Brian loved cars.At the funeral I had a board that had pictures of Brian and his car.I had friends and family sign it.My nephew signed this on it." Who needs wheels when you can have wings" How True! how true!

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Brian's Dad, Definitely not nuts...and I'll bet you that you'll feel your son with you all that day!!

All of the postings this weekend have really helped me - thank you all. Renee

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missingchris

BriansDad,

You have a better handle on things than you give yourself credit for. I know how busy you've been all year keeping Brian's memory alive. In many ways, so many people now know your son's name and who he was: a great kid, a devoted Father, just like you, and a good friend. We kept Chris's death anniversary quiet too. And you're way ahead of Rich and I, you have a plan. Maybe it will make it more bearable, maybe not. Know you're thought of , and we'll be crying with you that day. Hug your grandbaby for us.

Bec

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Oct 1 our youngest son is getting married, I don't know how I am going to make it through the day another painful reminder of how our lives have changed since Matthew died. Matthew would have been his best man, I am so happy for Michael but so very sad it seems that for every joy I have there is the awful painful reminder that Matt is gone.

Michael's fiance's mother died when she was young and so they are going to have pictures of her mom and Matt on the stage with them and memory candles, when her dad gives her away they will go and light the candles and the minister is going to read a poem. I hope we can survive the moment. My daughters are bridesmaids and I am worried how they are going to handle it. It is a beautiful idea and that is what Michael and Heather want to do, they told us that Matt and Heathers mom are their angels in presence and they deserved to be there, what can I say. Its just another hurt on top of many.

Have any of you that have been a few years found that your marriage is having more problems? At first and many months, my husband was my life line and he still is, but he is so cranky and angry all the time that we are pulling apart. I don't know what to do, I have gone from a house of 4 kids to none in a very short 2 years and I can't deal with his alienation.

Sorry to ramble

Matt's mom Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

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momofbrandon

Made it through another week-end and another TOUGH rodeo. Brandon and his friends were saddle bronc riders- on their way home from a rodeo when the accident happened. This week-end we did an added purse (extra money for the winner) in the three boys names. They also have renamed part of the rodeo the Jacobon-Klein Championship round. My son was so wonderful. I make it through the days, trying to make life as normal as possible for our surviving children. What is normal anyway? I also made it through the week-end without getting drunk every minute. A small hurdle in a world of hurdles any more. Can't go to church without breaking down- but we still go and pray. I know my son is with the Angel's. In reading through the posts- my heart breaks- and yet I get encouragement also. Brandon died on June 20- one of his grandmas' birthday was June 19- the other grandma's was June 21. They were both waiting for him in heaven. I have taken this as a definite sign that they were waiting for him.

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Dear mom of Brandon, oh yes; watching activities that our kids were good at is difficult. You were brave to go there, but it sounds like you did great.

Donosmom: I was hoping someone would mention their marriages. I am and still WANT to be married to my husband. He has always been my best friend; but there is a lot of distance between us right now. We're not in the same place at the same time but maybe that's a good thing. Can anyone comment on this? I figured that if I started caring about my marriage again that I must have come back to life a bit anyway!

Brian's Dad: Do you share your grandbaby with the mom/Brian's wife? How is she doing? At first I wished that April had had a child but now I don't know.

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Aprilsmom,

I went to a car show what Brian would go to every year. It was in Indy this year. I wasn't sure what to expect. I have to say I truly felt him with me saying see Dad this is why I went every year. The kids were great. It was one of the first times I can say that I enjoyed myself since Brian's death .

As far as my marriage. I love my wife more that I ever have .Yes I have been crabby. Yes I have said things I wish I could take back but still we love one another. We understand that we are grieving in different ways and times. we understand that so we give each other the room we need. The most important thing is to talk. If one of you doesn't want to , respect that and ask again later.

Brian didn't marry the baby’s mom. They planned to but after a long engagement she called it off. We get to see the baby weekend but I always have the fear that her mother will say their moving away and one of the few reasons for me to exist will be gone.

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Donosmom,

I think all relationship's suffer after the loss of a child. My husband and I are doing REALLY good considering what we have been through. Like many have said, if we are lucky, we will be in different frames of mind at different times of the day. This way we can support each other. The problem that lies in support is that once we are able to come up for air, the last thing we need is someone pulling us back into our darkness. My husband and I have concluded that we won't be able to support each other the way that we would like to. We both understand that this is not a sign of "falling out of love" or "our marriage being in trouble", but actually a sign that we are working through our grief. Once we discussed it openly and honestly we truly started a new kind of relationship, healing, and understanding.

It has been three and a half years and it has gotten WAY better. We have a lot of good times together, but every once in a while we need our space and some understanding.

Peace to you, Tina

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The postings for 8/29th were like reading a page out of MY journal of bereavement experiences. It seems as though absolutely everyone in my immediate world ignores my cries for help. Could it be that I'm not hearing their cries? Then, I get to this website and I feel as though I'm home with people who care. I'm having such a battle with my family allowing me to express and share my grief that I've thrown in the towel. There's no one there. I'm being strangled one breath at a time from so much silence. I'd be dead if it wasn't for the music that my beautiful Angel recorded and left on CDs which I found buried in boxes, swimming late at night and star gazing, and these postings. Thank you.

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My husband and I were never able to provide support or comfort to each other in regards to our grief in losing our son. However, we have come to a realization that we were the only two people in this world who felt the same way and suffered the most beside our daughter upon my son's death. Therefore, we give each other space and we cried together when we needed to. We hang on (like hell) to reasons why we have to be here instead of in the other side with my son. We are now passed my son's 2nd year death anniversary, and we think we can make it. We are now also looking forward to someday becoming grandparents. This hope helped us keep it together.

-CboysMom-

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missingchris

CboysMom & Chumba

Your posts ring so closely with my life...... A few are blessed with family and friends who support and comfort them, the rest of us hang on the best we can, and find friends or outlets that help us cope.

Hugs to all....... Chris's Mom

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I\'m also a \"Chris\'s Mom.\" Funny thing every time I see \"missing Chris\" it comforts me for a second knowing someone else is missing my Chris. I heard a broadcast today about grief vs depression. One example of grief is obsessive thinking about your loved one where if you are depressed you only think of yourself and whatever hopeless situation you think you\'re in. I have to wear headphones and listen to music constantly so that I don\'t drive myself crazy with what ifs, could ofs and should ofs. I\'m not working right now and up until now I\'ve been able to keep myself busy. I\'m virtually alone 24/7 all week. I let my guard down and invited my mother over for lunch as fences needed to be mended and what a mistake. Comments she made about how I shouldn\'t be so hard on myself with my son\'s death as I was the best mother he could have had. Where is she getting that my grief is about something I didn\'t do, my grief is grief pure and simple over the disappearance of my son from this world. His absence. He called me every day to share his morning, at lunch to ask advise and we would meet two nights durinng the week for lunch. I have no one who remotely can take his place. I\'m so bored staying home. I try to leave on Sundays so my husband can have the house to himself as he works very hard but I don\'t have anywhere to go. I\'m developing a gambling problem as sitting in front of a slot machine and occasionnally hitting a jackpot is safer than being around my family and his family don\'t even know I exist. Its like a snakes pit sitting in the same room with my sisters and mother. The bottom line in this message is thanks be to God we have each other. Even though I feel uneasy knowing that others sad and painful situations help each other cope with theirs. Well the sky is waiting for me. Every night I look for my Angel up in the sky and I thank God for taking my Chris out of his misery with his illness. My Chris couldn\'t have handled anymore hardware (as the docs referred to the heart pump and pacemaker)implanted in his beautiful body. He achieved so much in the 3-1/3 years with his donated heart. He died happy and proud of himself as he was riding 100 mile cycling events raising money for the Lymphona Society. I keep going over and over in my mind asking myself \"where\'s my Chris.\" He called twice in my dreams on Thanksgiving morning. Last time I heard the words \"Mom.\" How do I unlearn being a mom and accept just being me a wife?

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alwaysmyjennifer

Chumba, I'm sorry for your loss of Chris, and the added stress of your family situation. He sounds like such a great young man, caring for others so much. Take care of yourself. May peace be yours.

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Chumba,

I am so sorry for your loss. I too am a mom of a Chris(topher Anthony). I want to tell you that I can't imagine losing my only child, for after we lost Chris, we are now the parents of an only child. But the only child gets me up every morning and gives me purpose. I can only imagine how hard it is for you and other parents who have suffered the loss of their only child. I know this sounds like I'm trying to paint a rosey picture, but you are still a mom. You are Chris's mom. Just as I am Chris's mom. I won't let that title die, I worked darn hard for it and it's one of my favorite identifications. Please know that we care and understand your grief.

Peace to you, Tina

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To Artina and Always Jennifer: Thank you for acknowledging my post and your words of comfort. Yes, I will always be a mom. I remember when Christopher was two years old. I was a single parent and he would tip toe into my bedroom and take the TV which was on a stand with wheels and wheel it into his room real quietly. When he got to the door, he would look back and see my eyes opened and say, \"Breaks fest, Mom?\"

I was always boohooing about being a single parent and now I\'m glad I had him all to myself as the wonderful memories raising him in San Francisco and having Golden Gate Park as our backyard are still fresh in my mind and keep his spirit alive in me. Christopher was such a gentle person. He had the fingers of a piano player. Christopher never had a bad thought about anyone and always saw the bright side of things. Because of the miracle of him surviving the heart transplant and finishing college with a Bachelors in Communication, landing a great job with Califonria Dental Society, cycling he was a wonderful inspiration for so many people. His co-workers stay in contact with me and have left his voice message on a line forever. If I want to hear his voice, I just call a number. But I haven\'t yet. It might send me down to the dumps. I have to be really careful where I go and who I run into as I am truly an indigo child and very frail emotionally right now.

To everyone else on these boards, what do you think about approaching OPRAY about doing a show featuring our plights as bereaving parents. She just might be interested as we all have so much wisdom to share with the world who needs it badly. There are people suffering so much more than us due to lack of knowledge and they probably end up broken spirited and on the streets or having addiction problems. Anyway, I\'m anxious to read the responses.

Thanks for putting a smile on my face and giving me energy to face the world today.

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Chumba,

Your Chris sounds like a wonderful person... mine was too. Oprah has touched on a lot of subjects in her time and I think it would be a wonderful bennefit to grieving families around the world to understand that our grief is unique in that we can't substitute out pain away. Our loss is forever. It would be an intersting show- to say the least.

Peace to all, Tina

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Chumba,

Your suggestion for Oprah to have a show on grief of

parents losing a child is a good one. She would be the

best choice of show hosts to cover this subject. I

think there would be a lot of people watching!

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Donosmom,

I believe that the tributes that your son and his finance

have planned at their wedding for Matt's memory is very

lovely and fitting, and will be a comfort to you. Our

daughter & fiance were married just 2 months after our son,

Davey, was killed. He was on his way to get fitted for his

tuxedo when he died in a highway accident. He was to be a

in the wedding party. Our daughter & her fiance had so many

of their plans set, deposits paid, and reservations. We told

them they could decide whether to go ahead with the wedding

or to postpone. They decided to go ahead. She had a large

pillar candle placed on the altar which glowed with a cross

on it when lit. She had the minister give a tribute in Davey's

memory. It was nice. The reception, held afterward at a hall

is a blur in my memory. We now have a dear little grandson who

helps cheer us up. I pray for you and your family, and for the

newlyweds. Changing the subject a little----I agree with Artina--

that nearly all parents face a strain on their marriage when they

lose a child. People do not always "line up" in their feelings and

emotions, or points where they are at on this grieving highway.

For me, it sometimes is a lonely highway. Thank goodness for this

site where people can let their feelings out in the open without

being judged or rebuffed. It takes a lot of patience & understanding,

and opening up. When others don't want to listen, we can do that

here.Thank goodness. Peace be with you.

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Dear Donosmom,i can really relate to tour posting ,my older son ,Kevin is getting married in June,and i already know it is going to be a happy but emotional day,Nathan was Kevin's only other sibling.Kevin already said he is planning to wear a shirt under his tux with Nathans picture on it and it is going to say BEST MAN on it.I will think of you on that day and say a prayer for you and your family and your little angel..T/C Kathy,Nates mom

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That is such a great idea of having the tshirt with best man on it. Michael would love something like that. It is such a bittersweet event. I am happy that the kids wanted to do something special in memory of Matt and Heathers mother. These 2 have had to suffer in ways no one should.

Thank you everyone who responded to my post, this certainly is a place for support I don't post often but read all the time.

I thank everyone for being so open about their relationships with their spouses. I know that my husband and I will be ok we certainly have been through the worst together. I just needed the reminder of patience, and that sometimes he needs to lean on me instead of me always leaning on him.

For some reason that I haven't quite figured out, today is a really bad day. Thanks to everyone for listening and caring.

Matt's mom Mary

11-3-79 - 7-13-03

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Hello to "Everyone" (especially Stu and Mark),

When I lost my son (Nicholas)on Mother's Day of this year, May 8th, it was

then that living had stopped for me. I first got on my computer a few

weeks after I had to bury him. I went into some "morbid" sights as

far as finding out what the "Mortician" did to trying to find out

"some answer", I still don't know what I was or am looking for. I am

a Paramedic and I have seen and know all (so to say). When I lost

my Nicholas it is something I've (as you all know) never seen or

known. From the cotton in his eyelids to his notrils to make him

seem more presentable to all of HIS AND MY BLOOD DRAINED OUT OF

HIS BODY, it was "that" day, that I listened to the director of

the funeral home tell me this, I suddenly realized that for 21

years my blood was no longer in my son.

Since then, I have searched and searched for some answer, not knowing

what that answer is, maybe somebody can bring him back to me, I

don't know, even still.

What I am saying now is......I am in some serious counseling and

I do see several psyciatrists, and I have had to be put on some

heavy medication. I know I "CAN'T" function, and life is nothing

even though I have my two BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS AND MY GRANDSON. I know

that without them I would be RIGHT ALONG SIDE OF NICHOLAS!!

Anyway, what I'm trying to tell ALL of you,is I HATED and BLAMED

God for taking my son, and couldn't understand, up until this last

Sunday, I spoke to someone who made me realize that my Nicholas

IS LIVING and he does indeed watch (along with OUR GOD)over me

and my girls and HIS SON (Gunner). I have joined a group called

"Compassionte Friends", along with ALL of my therapy, and they

ARE ALL SEEING "THAT" COLOR THAT ONLY "WE" SEE as parents of

a CHLD THAT HAS BEEN TAKEN. One thing that I have learned is,

there may not be an answer.......and this so called "JOURNEY"

that we have all been assigned to, will go on until we meet

our "KIDS" again, and I have to tell all of you......I am so

sorry for ALL OF YOUR LOSSES, WHETHER IT BE ONE CHILD OR

ALL OF YOUR CHILDREN. This group is trying to help all of

us learn to somehow live without them, (which I know is the

impossible), but, PLEASE TRY TO FIND THE STRENGTH IN GOD,

BECAUSE JUST AS I KNOW.............HE "HAS" OUR CHILDREN!!!!

I know now, that if it weren't for "God" we would never

see them again, and do we want to stay in this place of no

hope or do we want to go on "WITH GOD" so that one day we

will LIVE WITH THEM IN ETERNITY!!!!!! I know my Nicholas

is "still" with me, and I miss him more eveyday, four months

will have past on the 8th of Septermber since I saw him in

the morgue, maybe I have really "lost" it, but, I know that

somewhere there is a "God" that is "keeping" him. I know

my Nicholas is living in SUNSHINE, because everytime I dream

of him the Sun is shining on him and HE'S BEAUTIFUL!

To all of you..........

OUR CHILDREN ARE TOGETHER.............AND I BELIEVE THEY

WATCH US AND ARE "STILL" WITH US........

Rose

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To Everyone: The website www.dailyom.com is spiritually motivated and has significantly helped my bereavement journey especially today's entry.

Just another tool like Beyound Indigo which makes life after the loss of a child more bearable.

Choir practice last night was astounding for me. I actually felt joy for the first time since Chris died eight months ago. I also felt my heart and soul opening back up.

Sometimes when I feel a panic attack I start grunting outloud from the bottom of my tummy and it actually works in calming me down.

Here's hoping your weekend brings sunshine and laughter in your worlds, I know you need it.

A compassionate friend of yours, I remain, Patsy

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Chumba~

I read in a previous post that you have Chris' voice on voicemail- someone at a CF meeting said they took their voice mail- taped it somehow and put the tape in a stuffed teddy bear- where they could hear it whenever they wanted to. I wish I could do that- but I have not run across any voice recordings- yet. I visited the daily om- nice site- thanks.

Peace to all of us- today is Griffins 8th month in Heaven. I'm sure you all know how much I miss him.

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alwaysmyjennifer

Griffinsmom, may you be filled with peace today. We are all touched by your love for Griffin. You are in thought and prayer. If you ever do find a recording, I will volunteer to digitally make it suitable for the teddy bear in my recording studio.

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heartbrokendad

Dear Rmcaggiano,

I'm so glad that you have found something that will help you on this awfull journey we are on...I however, am still looking, I have started speaking to kids, 8th graders mostly, as they are still kind of inocent when it comes to drug use, or addiction. I am also working with the various d.a's offices and have been asked to speak at some town meetings, to the parents. This is keeping my kids memories alive in me, and is showing others the danger in drug abuse, it will kill you...I know this better than most.

Keep at it, we will all be together one day....I know this with all my heart.

Peace to you and all the grieving parents here.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad.

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Stu, Hey!

I just happened to read before I go. You probably don't even realize

what your "words" say to me........(I wish I had or had a chance

to meet you)your words are VERY STRONG! Just by reading and

listening to your post's, I know your are an AWESOME DAD, and

your Carrie and Matthew see you and LOVE YOU so much. Your

strength is incredible......I have met several parent's that

they too have lost "thier's" and even though I have never

seen you or met you, your words have touched me in a place

that I don't seem to feel with these that I have met in

person, including my psyciatrists, and I have one who is

wonderful, I too am going to start speaking to some about

the dangers of drugs, because of my Nicholas. I know that

there are so many that need to be educated, and know what can

and WILL INDEED happen whether they are a continous user or

a first time user like my Nicholas.

Stu, can I ask you a question?.......Did you have to get

help or counseling, and put on medication? I know that is

a very personal question, you don't even have to tell me,

my e-mail address is rosiecaggiano@yahoo.com if you'd rather

that. I feel like from reading a post last week you wrote about

being with the mother of your children and what happenend, I too

was in a situation like that, (meaning the father, not my kids).

Anyway, I would really like to stay in touch, whether you

know or not, but, your words have come across BOLD AND STRONG

for me, YOU ARE A STRONG MAN AND SENSITIVE ENOUGH TO EFFECT ME.

Thank-you,

Rose

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To rmcaggiano: I too was blessed with an unexpected act of kindness from an unknown person which flooded me with pride and joy. When I read your post today I knew right where your heart was touched. We have been honored so gracefully. I'm spellbound and filled with the Holy Spirit. Thanks be to God. Amen.

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Chumba,

I haven't posted or read beyond indigo posting for a while. But I was reading part of one of your posts. Forgive me for asking...... did your son have a heart transplant? My reason for asking is my son Justin had a heart transplant at the age of 7. At the age of 15 he suddenly became ill, an unknown virus attacked his heart and he spent three months in ICU hooked up to so much "hardware". He was on a left and right side heart assist pump the machine sat on the outside of his body. It..... the VAD as it's called... did the work for his heart. The doctors were trying to get Justin well enough to maybe, just maybe get a 2nd heart transplant. Justin died on January 9, 2005 from sepsis overcoming his body.

I'm sorry for bringing up such hard memories. I just thought after reading a little of your post that you truly know what it's like to watch your child suffer through all of those terrible, but necessary machines hooked up to them. That strong image has been my hardest image to chase away and not let it consume me. As I'm sure everyone here has... some days are better than others.

If you feel like it tell me about your son, Chris. God Bless, and may we all find some peace.

Another grieving mom,

Justin's mom forever

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Griffinsmom & Mark, thank you for visting John website and your heart felt words of comfort.

Griffins mom guess I was blessed in this most horrible time in my life. As I have read everyone of these posts, I realized how sad it is that a lot of you do not have your child voices. I do have John's it came from my answering machine. I have the complete message on my cell phone and computer. I went to build a bear bought several stuffed animals (mine a dog) and was able to put his last words on it which were I love you I miss you call me back, God I wish i could call him back. You can only put 9 seconds on the voice button on the stuffed animal.

Squeezing that stuffed animal listening to his voice is so bittersweet, there are days I can't do it, it just sits on my bed. I hope you do get Griffens voice. Do you have any videos or dvd's? Just a thought.

Stu: I keep feeling I need to talk to kids regarding drinking and driving tell John's story, how did you start? How long did it take you? As I speak of John the tears won't stop flowing. I know there is a purpose for me know and I do beleive it is trying to save other children and the laws regarding organ dontation fo adult children who does not have a spouse or that dot on their DL. As most of you know my choice was for John to be a donor however because of BS he was unable to save anyone else.

Loving my John to no end.

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Dear friends thinking of all of you the heartache is so large. I am not sure what I should do anymore I am having such a hard time coping. Everyone says it will get easier with time but I am finding it getting worse. I feel like I have no one to talk to no one understands this horrible pain. I have seen the psychiatrist he says nothing is wrong with me he would think that something was wrong with me if I didnt feel this way. He did put me on some antidepressants but that doesnt seem to work either. I am feeling so low like I have no friends or family to talk to everyone thinks I should just be happy but I cant. I have been contemplating going to be with my son because I feel like I cant handle this any longer but I have to stay and look after my other son.

Love you all,

Rhonda

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heartbrokendad

Dear Rhonda,

Its hard to council someone against "joining" their child, when I feel the same way, but....dont do it...I am also in therapy, and its been almost 34 months since Carrie died, and 26 months since Matthew left me...it dosent get easier, it gets more tolerable...I dont cry each and evry day, maybe two or three times a week now.

I have been trying to stay active with drug abuse prevention in the middle schools, kids want to hear what happened to my children, and who knows, maybe one of them will remember what I have told them and not try drugs...

Please email me at swalton@mah.harvard.edu, maybe we can help each other.

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

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To MomofJustin

My beautiful Chris was transplanted at Stanford on August 24, 2001 and he recuperated quite well. The memories of that transplant experience are filled with jubilation and keep me going. One day before his heart came in a heart pump was put in him. I fought this decision but he was an adult and went along with the docs. Why not? The heart came three days later and he was still recuperating from the LVAD--a huge machine which whished water around. We would just stare at each other out of disblief that this was happening to him. I never had to take him to a doctor or dentist except for cleanings.

A virus lodged in his heart muscle when he was 28 and it was then that they gave him his death sentence of five years. He accomplished all of his lifetime goals in 3 1/2 years post transplant. He was cycling 100 mile tours to raise money for cancer research and I think that is what killed him. His doctor gave him the green light to continue endurance cycling. This activity enlargened his heart and he all of a sudden had the same condition that he almost died with. Heart wrenching. Not only do I have to death with his present death but I have to accept a miracle gone awry.

Imagine that plus stupid behavior of family members even my husband's lack of attention. I'm very upset with my husband right now that all I want to do is sleep. But I'm not going to sedate my self and waste a beautiful sunny day. I'll get on Chris's bike and ride like he did and go visit him at the cemetery. It's five miles away and I know I have alot of hostility to burn off.

Thanks for asking to hear my story and I'm sorry it evokes difficult emotions for you. My son was never contacted by the donor family nor did he write them. I was very upset with him just before he died because I needed to thank someone. We had no idea that he would die suddenly. I feel so bad that I guilt tripped him about that stupid letter. I told him I was ashamed of him. Now I can't take back those words. Parents do some stupid things out of respect. Bye

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Dear Rhonda,

I know how you feel as I feel the same way. I am in counseling and they are considering hospitalzation for me. I know none of this will work as it hasn't so far.

I think about this often. Then I think of Johnny, he would want me to be here for my daughter and my two grandaughters who he adored. They were his "babies". Yet again I go back and forth wanting to be with my son and out of this hell.

As far as spouses we have had our fights, mine doesn't speak of John, says it makes to sad. I have ried to express that if he will speak of John it won't make me sad it will make me feel better that John is not forgotten.

This month and next month are grueling for me, as John left to Iowa,was there for two weeks before the accident on Sept 26. Then in Nebraska for 2 more weeks until we were able to take him off life support on 10/9 and John taking his last breath 10/10.

Then his celebration of life 10/21....life sucks and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Already a year seems like yesterday and a life time since I saw my son.

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Dear Chumba,

What can I say but I am so very so you. Doctors do not have all the answers. I learned a long time ago that they are not GOD, although many thing they are.

Family that is a whole different story...many of mine lef me the day my John was buried.

I too feel alone so I write here. Thanks for listening

Loving John to no end

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Rhonda68,

I know just how you feel. The pain and grief are so deep

that sometimes I feel like nothing matters except ending

the pain and sorrow. Drs. don't really know how we feel,

unless they too have been on this sad road. I think that

the best thing to do is just go one day at a time, and

try not to think much of the future. I pray that you can

find the strength to go on each day. My heart is with you.

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Jcsmom and Donosmom,

I pray that you will find some peace and solace somehow,

with your angel days approaching. Peace be with you.

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Hi Rhonda68, heartbrokendad, all who write here. I have just been soaking in the past week's postings. I don't know if this will help anyone but both of my older daughters, my husband, and I all started taking antidepressants about 4 months after April's accident. I feel like a walking pharmacy. We have 3 different doctors and to summarize: it is found that using a tandem medication like zoloft and welbutrin together or zoloft and lexapro seems to help a lot of people. I know I didn't feel any better for about 4 weeks; it just made coping with everything easier and the periods between the tears and intense sadness further apart. It has only been 9 1/2 mos. for us and I am not anxious for the month of November which used to be my favorite time of year. Yesterday we went to a bar-b-que and it was hard just being with my other kids because April wasn't there to be in the pictures with them. It almost feels wrong taking pictures anymore, anybody share that feeling? Take Care, my prayers and thoughts are with you. Renee

Oh, on the therapist....I was SO LUCKY, she was a female that has experienced grief herself - wow, she made me think and it helped. I fought going and I'm glad my doctor forced me to go.

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Aprilsmom,

Pictures were hard to take in the first year... but I forced myself to take them because I knew just how important they could be in the future.

Peace to you, Tina

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