Loss of an Adult Child

[Artina]

Hugs to everybody.  It does quiet on this site through the holidays... yet we are all thinking of each other.

 

HUG

Tina

[mamabets]

For All~ My love to you as we all try to get through these holidays, moving along each day into this "new normal", as it has been referred to as so many times. I find that my main connection seems to be "now that Danny is no longer here..."

 

BUT, I am then so quickly reminded that he is here stronger than he ever was before. He  is in  the place that we know is filled with all of the perfect things about this life here....It is a very hard concept to grasp, but in time, when all else seems to fail, it is HIS PEACE that gets me through. There is life here, and so much of it...A life that was, and still is  shared by and with Danny. He would be so sad if it were any other way.

 

Yet, do I miss him so much that I feel it in every ounce of who I am? Of course I do. But, I celebrate all of him every second of every hour of every day...

 

My ears just started to ring...I feel him saying "That's right Mom...Keep carrying the message that we are only a blink away from each other, somehow separated by a thin veil. You will hear my heart beat in yours forever and ever..."

 

LOVE,

mamabets

Angels.bmp

[namarella]

My husband and I went to the candlelighting in Salem, Oregon last night at the Capitol building - I didn’t know what to expect, but found it very touching, emotional and uplifting.  As we held our candles in the chill December evening, listening to the song “Precious Child” being played, tears ran down my face and I felt a kinship with everyone there.  Names of our lost children were read and we held our candle high for Eric; I think he must have been smiling.

We again weren’t going to put up a tree this year - I didn’t know if I could handle the flood of memories - but we decided to buy new ornaments, get a different kind of tree and it’s actually been a delight to have in the house.  I placed the angel we bought last night at the candelighting near the top, an angel to watch over us.  This poem was read last night - many of you have probably seen it, but it says what I’d often like to say to friends and family.

Remembering, by Elizabeth Dent

Go ahead and mention my child,

The one who died, you know.

Don’t worry about hurting me further.

The depth of my pain doesn’t show.

Don’t worry about making me cry.

I’m already crying inside.

Help me to heal by releasing

The tears that I try to hide.

I’m hurt when you just keep silent,

Pretending he didn’t exist.

I’d rather you mention my child,

Knowing that he has been missed.

You asked me how I was doing.

I say, “pretty good” or “fine.”

But healing is something ongoing -

I feel it will take a lifetime.

* * * *

Wishing you all light and healing in this season, Colleen

[summergirl]

Colleen - I am so glad you got to go to the candlelite, what an experience it must have been. Where I live there is no place unless you travel a long way so I am going to take it upon myself next year to try to do one here. There are so many people here who would attend but like me have never heard of the compassionate friends candle lite. I was overwhelmed, heartbroken. crying and awed by the amount of candles lit last nite on the website - what an amazing thing.

Thank you for the poem, I have not heard it before yet it reflects exactly how I feel. When the family, my husbands side as mine all live far away, gets together for Thanksgiving, Easter, birthdays etc. no one mentions my Jessica and I get so angry. Even when my father-in-law says grace before Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner she is not mentioned. The only person who seems to understand is my sister-in-law Jen - she asked me once why no one ever talks about Jessica and I tell her I don't know, she says it makes her sad and she doesn't say anything so as not to cause a scene. I plan on making a scene this Christmas Eve when we all gather at my mother-in-laws for dinner - I will read this poem to them - maybe then they will understand. Tavian will not be there so I can be more outspoken. I have the right to be myself and to not hide how I feel. I am tired of pretending that all is ok and if they don't want to talk about her well thats just to bad because I want to talk about her so they will either accept it or get angry or whatever. I do not mean to force my feelings upon others but I refuse to let my Jessica be held silent.

I am glad you got a tree - it is so very hard when your child is not here to do all the traditional things as in years gone by - but we make new traditions and keep the hold ones close to heart. Do not let go of your old decorations as one day you will be able to once again use them and smile at the memory of each and everyone of them. I use Jessica's now and I smile at the ones she made and the last ones she bought - it is like the tree shines brighter! We did not put an angel on top as Tavian wanted to use the star that his mommy bought - it is so beautiful.

I miss you my Jessica - my baby - my bestfriend.

Hugs and Prayers to all - Kathy

[missngkate]

Colleen, what a beautiful poem and how perfectly it expresses our feelings.  I sent it to a friend who lost her 14 year daughter in a car accident because it's something we have both said..why don't people want to talk about our children.  Do they think we're going to break down and make a scene, or make them uncomfortable in some way?  I am lucky because my husband and I often share our thoughts and stories about our Kate. But it makes me so sad that everyone else seems to just go on and have forgotten about  her.  Some of her friends still call and I know that some of them visit her grave, because we find flowers and other momentos left there. But it's less and less as time goes on.  Missing her is like a physical ache in my heart.  But you all know about that pain.  I wonder how we can get up each day and go on with our lives, but I don't think our children would want us to just give up and wallow in our grief. 

Helen

[sooooo]

Hello All     ----Haven't written in awhile, but your messages ease my heart and let me know that I am responding as we do these days.  My son, David passed away 11 weeks ago.   I was going to go to the Compassionate Friends Candlelighting but I could not make myself go.  When I first heard about it I was excited and thought it was a beautiful way to share my son.  On Sunday, my heart just screamed and I could not go.  A friend promised me that my son knew that I am not forgetting him and that I was going for my own comfort and need and that it was alright not to go if I did not feel I could take it.  I had not felt that intense and deep pain in awhile (a week or two) and it surprised me that it came ripping up from the bottom of my soul.  I still sob when I think about it. 

I decided that we will have a centerpiece at Christmas with a candle in it and light it before we say the prayer and he will be symbolized in the candle.  I just had to share how painful it was to think about going to the vigil.  Did anyone else have this experience or am I just a freak?  I know we each have our own way of grieving and this really did (and does) me in. 

This is also my first week off work as my job was eliminated and last week I had to say goodbye to many good firends.  I guess this is the year of good byes for me.  I am blessed to have so many beautiful people in my life and I am blessed to have each of you for sharing with me and listening to me. 

I miss him so very much and yet I must be strong when his children come over Christmas day to celebrate love and family.  I hope I can do that.  We are having Christmas this year at my daughter's so it will be a bit different for all.  I am rambling now............again, thanks for listening.

Hugs to each of you............Sherri

[sherrie8168]

Hi, to all you wonderful people,

This is my first post. My beautiful son, Bill (30), died in his sleep on Saturday, November 17, 2007. The numbness is just beginning to fade and I sob uncontrollably off and on. Never have I experienced such profound pain, so intense, so personal, so unforgiving and unrelenting. I teach school and took the week after Thanksgiving off to get his business in order. It is so very hard to return to work...I can't concentrate. But staying home would be useless and unhealthy.

I just want all of you to know that you are remembered and lifted up in prayer every night for your heart's healing. We all need some of that.

Much love and God's continued blessings for healing.

Sherrie

Bill IV's momma

[bbarbie55]

Hi! Haven't been on in a while thought just drop a line to let you know I still read the posts. This christmas eve is going to be hard because that day it will be eight months since I lost my daughter. Christmas isn't the same for me now and all I think about is how my Bobbi spent christmas eve and day with me it hurts that she won't be here. I only get to see my other daughter on christmas eve and my grandson sometime that day. My shrink tells me I'm progressing well in my grief but I don't know I still have hard times.

It really is sad to have new members though I wish no one had to go through this it is the worst thing I have been through and I know it will never go away there is a permanent emptiness in my heart for my baby and it will never go away no matter who tries to help me. That is why I come here you guys help me.

Thanks Deb

[sherrie8168]

How old was Bobbi this year? I would love to see a picture of her.

 

Sherrie

[traffichazard]

Sherri:  I read your post today as I searched for some place to understand my grief.  I lost my only child, my 30 year old son, Christopher on Sunday, November 25.  This is also my first post. 

We had just spent a wonderful three days together for Thanksgiving.  I dropped him at the airport Saturday morning and he blew me a kiss as he walked away.  That was it.  The moment that defines then and now.

I went back to work a week ago, but it was too early.  I go to bed crying, I wake up crying and I cry in the middle of the day.  I was planning to go to the candle lighting on Sunday, but I'm not ready to share my grief publicly.

He left behind a 10 year old daughter who was his world and he was hers. 

For the first time, I referenced today, "after Christopher died...."  I was dumbfounded by my own comment.  Surely not MY Christopher, my son did not die, he is not dead!

I read your post and I thought, "she knows" and I can only say that  I'm sorry that you do.

[traffichazard]

[user=18904]traffichazard[/user] wrote:

Sherri:  I read your post today as I searched for some place to understand my grief.  I lost my only child, my 30 year old son, Christopher on Sunday, November 25.  This is also my first post. 

We had just spent a wonderful three days together for Thanksgiving.  I dropped him at the airport Saturday morning and he blew me a kiss as he walked away.  That was it.  The moment that defines then and now.

I went back to work a week ago, but it was too early.  I go to bed crying, I wake up crying and I cry in the middle of the day.  I was planning to go to the candle lighting on Sunday, but I'm not ready to share my grief publicly.

He left behind a 10 year old daughter who was his world and he was hers. 

For the first time, I referenced today, "after Christopher died...."  I was dumbfounded by my own comment.  Surely not MY Christopher, my son did not die, he is not dead!

I read your post and I thought, "she knows" and I can only say that  I'm sorry that you do.

[summergirl]

Hello to all - once again I am so saddened to see the postings by "new" members - how it breaks my heart to know that once again people have joined us on this road we walk.

Sherri - I am sorry about your son David - I understand completely when you say you could not bring yourself to go to the candlelighting. You need to do what you have to do and not go to war with yourself for "should I" or "shouldn't I".  Making decisions is a very diffacult thing to do when you have lost a child - it will be 2 years Feb 18 since I lost my daughter Jessica and I still have a hard time making decisions about some things - I still do not go to some places that were her favorite places, I still cannot drive past her apartment yet I have to drive by her workplace each day and I die a little bit inside each time. I don't know how I can possibly hurt any more than I do but there are times when I am so overcome with saddness and dispare that I do not know what to do - I miss her as much today as if I just lost her today and time will never change that for me.

Traffichazard - I am sorry too for your loss of your son. Leaving behind a child is so diffacult for the child, yet the blessing of a grandchild is like nothing else - I know as my daughter left her four year old son Tavian behind, we have full custody of him and he is the light of our lives. He is in therapy and has been since the month after we lost Jessica. So many things that my husband and I were not equipped to handle with him as we were and still are dealing with our own grief. Tavian is doing wonderful in therapy as I am also - we have the same therapist, we just go at different times. I love the fact that she does not ask me "how I feel today" when I walk in because every day I feel pain, saddness, numb, lost and angry - but I know with time these feelings will lessen although never go away. I pray for you and yours.

Tonight I finally called a friend who lost her only child Cassie 4 months ago - I have been meaning to call her yet never seemed to find the "time". When I finally spoke to her it was so hard as she told me all of the things she is feeling and I remember feeling that way in the beginning. After talking for a while and agreeing to meet once the holidays are over I started to shake and cry as I realized that I too had/have all of those feelings when I lost Jessica. How am I ever going to help this person with her grief? Can I possibly make a difference for her, can I help guide her? All these questions scare me yet I feel that I must see her for both of us.

Prayers and Hugs to all - Kathy  

 

[summergirl]

By the way Sherri you are in no way a "freak" - not being able to do something because it is painful is "normal". Every day we walk this road and we make decisions, painful ones, heartwrenching ones, but we make them just the same. Do what your heart tells you to do - cry when you need to - talk when you need to and never be afraid to not do something. The pain of losing your child is like no other that I can imagine and we can only listen to our hearts. This site is a blessing to me and I thank God that I was led to it as so many have inspired me and given me guidence even when they do not know it.

Prayers and Hugs - Kathy   

[mikesmum]

traffichazard & sherrie8168 - reading through your first posts takes me back 11 months when I too lost my son.  Your thoughts, feelings, emotions and disbelief are things you can openly share here with the many that have stumbled onto Beyond Indigo.

I am so sorry for your loss and can only offer what I found here.  This site has amazing healing, supportive, compassionate and empathetic powers that I failed to find anywhere else.

Please come as often you need, post or not you are not alone at this soul destroying time. 

Blessed be to those who join us here and share the stories of their amazing children.

 

[sherrie8168]

Thank you, Mikesmum...I am so very happy to have stumbled upon this site. I was surfing....looking for help...and here you all are. Bless each of you.

Please keep my younger son, Ryan, in prayer. He is having a hard time with losing his brother, Bill.

 

My Hearts...Bill and Ryan

[summergirl]

Sherri8168 - We will all keep both of your sons in our prayers and I pray that you keep posting when you can or want to as we all here to give as much support to all as well as to ourselves. God Bless - Kathy

[mikesmum]

sherie8168 - handsome happy boys.....similarities will be something else you will find here.  Micheal has a younger brother Steven who has been struggling with his brothers death.  Since losing Micheal I am acutely aware of the fragility of life.

The pic attached is of Micheal and Steven with Steves son Zak. I took it 5 years ago.  To get Micheal to agree to a photo let alone smile was something of a feat.  It is a prized photo.

My thoughts and energies are with you and your sons as you walk through this journey with no maps, no directions and no experience that can make it easier.

Thank you for sharing your sons with us here.....

[traffichazard]

I, like Sherri, stumbled here.  I can't thank you all enough.  My husband (not my son's father) is so incredibly supportive, but he doesn't and can't really know this pain or what to do with it.  I don't even know.  I told Sherri, Christopher came home today via UPS in a box.  There was nothing to prepare me, even though I thought I was.  I know and I hope that someday I'll be "normal" again, but I'm almost afraid.  Does that mean I've forgotten? 

[sooooo]

Kathy, Traffichazzard, Mikesmum, sherri1868 and everyone else who belongs to this sad, sad club.  Thank you so much for posting and sharing.  I think we will all have to take christmas as it comes.  I have asked my son's wife to make a centerpiece for the table with a candle and we will light it and that will symbolize David being there.  I still cannot believe that he will not be there.  Thanksgiving came and went and I cried when I never got his call.  I knew intellectually that he could not/would not call but my heart is still somewhat in disbelief. 

I talked to the coroner yesterday about cause of death and as much as I would like to blame other things, my son made decisions that eventually killed him.  It isn't that he wanted to die, but his pain was severe and the drugs he took to alleviate pain is what eventually took his life.  His heart got infected and could not survive the drugs.  Not that it matters so much as I could easily blame his wife for going along with him.  That would only make a broken heart into an angry broken heart and I don't think I could bare that right now.  Still, I cried alot today as each day confirms that this is not all a horrible nightmare but an actual reality.

Traffichazzard  --I am so glad that you know that I know.  The moment I found this site, I knew that I was no longer alone and others knew.  Sometimes that is too much reality for me though and I hurt so much, I cannot post.  Sometimes, I have to post to get it from my screaming heart and out on a page.  It helps so much to know it helps others when I post.  That at least makes something good from all of this.  It is still so hard to believe that this has all happened.  I am learning (and have learned from more experienced folks on this site) that I can live with the grief and horrible sadness........that it will always just be a part of my life now.  I am also learning that while I am living with it, I do not have to BE the grief and sadness, and that has brought me the freedom to smiile and laugh when I feel like it.  That is taking time and practice but it is working. 

Please feel free to email me at swilrd@yahoo.com if you like.  Anyone is welcome to connect with me there.  I don't know what I would do without each of you.  Please know my arms are around you and while I don't know how you feel at this second, chances are we have all felt whatever confusing, ripping emotion is surfacing at any given time.

Sounds crazy but I love you all as kin in this experience of life and living after this kind of loss.                       Love to you all..........Sherri

[mikesmum]

I have found the  hardest part is the loss, the rest mere details that torment and wound, they do not alter the outcome. 

In the beginning I was uncontrollably angry with Micheals partner.  Time lost in calling paramedics, her stating she was giving Micheal his medications all seem to point to her as the reason he died.  Don't get me wrong, I still hold with that belief, to a point.  Being here allows me to think out loud, to read other posts and realise what may have been just in front of me all the time.

Micheal never coped with the debilation that saw him unable to work as a chef.  This was something he took great pride in.  The deterioration of his 10 yr relationship with Lauren devestated him and saw such a change in him.

He medicated  in an attempt to overcome.  December 06, enough was enough and he went through a thorough workup.  In hospital for 14days, they checked the progression of his back deterioration, the pacemaker and above all they addressed the depression that resulted from his chronic problems.  He was given a positive report and  his partner took control of the meds.

The pictures of our children warms my heart, to see Micheal in such good company gives me a feeling that while I am not alone on this journey, neither is he.

Blessed be to those who write, read and ponder........all seeking our new normal.....It won't mean we have forgotten, quite the opposite, we remember only too well.

[mamabets]

For ALL~ I walk with you as you are on the most impossible journey of this thing called...YOUR LIFE~ How this happened, we will never know..Why this has happened, we will never know...After 3 1/2 long years, I have found that at some point, I just had to surrender to what is, now, not what isn't, anymore...

What IS, is that my Danny will never have to lose me or any other loved ones that he hold so dear...What IS, is that he will never, EVER have to walk in a lifetime that could cause him this much pain.  What IS, is that there is a place that is so magical for all of our angels...Otherwise, we all could not be so connected here...

In many areas of my life, this was of no comfort early on. Where I always found my answers was no longer with me. Danny could "fix" anything that weighed so heavy on our hearts with just one line...

I did keep coming back here to Beyond Indigo, and I found that if all of these poor lost souls could somehow journey on, so too, could I. The wisdom and bravery that was in each and every story here paralled with my Danny...He was, and is, so full of expression.... I have made friends that are now, too, part of the core of my "new" family...I would miss all of you, for you have allowed me to live and laugh once again~

In time, I felt my heart beat again. I genuinely "felt" something inside of me that was with me still, and it was, and is, me...

I miss my Danny every second~ of every hour~ of every day. My sweet Jackie says things like "I don't know how to be an only child..." My kids have always made me who I am...I always was, and still am, great friends with them...  Having one of them more than a phone call away has literally thrown me ito a place that has me forever wandering. But, one of my sisters said to me early on..."With each day that passes, we are one day closer to being with Danny again"

Those days seem like forever ago. I say to myself "GOD, it seems like it has been a lifetime since we have talked, Danny!!!"

However, I do feel joy again, and all of you will too...Joy that will be what it is because of all that you do to continue to celebrate the lives that you still share with your angels. Lives that touch millions, reaching the four corners of this earth~

Beyond Indigo, over each and every rainbow..

Thank you for being on my journey with me. 

I could not do this without all of you, and your courage gives me my strength.

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxo

[mamabets]

For traffichazard, and ALL~ We can all agree that we feel CRAZY.. According to the American Medical Association, losing a child is the number one "stressor"

God love those that have labeled it this, but it puts it mildly...Stressor...

WE are not crazy...

LIFE, is...

Please feel free to email me at any time!! huntross4@aol.com, is where you will find me, any hour of any day!!

LOVE,

mamabets

xoxoxox

[mikesmomrs]

All:  I have not posted in a while...I have not been in a good place off and on now for a bit...we are in the process of selling our home and moving to a smaller place as there is just the two of us now, and the stairs get harder every day.  So, we are going to a one level, smaller home.  Digging through everything to downsize has been a struggle...so many memories, so many things that spark more memories...Mike was with us off and on throughout his adulthood, as he had epilepsy, and when he would have seizures he couldn't drive, so he would come home again so we could provide his transportation to and from work, etc.  When  he and his wife married, they lived with us for a while to save for their own place, but Mike was diagnosed with brain cancer when they were only married five months.  His company he worked for took up a collection and gave them enough to get started in their own place.  When Mike became incapacitated two months before he passed, he came back, as they lived on the second floor and it was just too difficult for him to remain there.  His wife and son came here for visits, and stayed over from Fri to Sunday every weekend.  so, he was here, with us, more than the usual 31 year old...and the missing is just so very painful, as you all know and feel, no matter if your child was still home or out on their own for a while...the pain is the same...the missing is the same...a ripping of our hearts that will never, ever heal.  As mammabets and others have said, it does soften, we do find and feel joy again, over time, (Mike died on October 14, 2006), but then every now and then we are dumped back into the abyss of incredible pain and longing again, as if it just happened a moment ago.

Coming here, just like all of you, has been so good, so helpful, such an outlet, receiving support, providing support when we can, has been a lifeline.  ANd like all the others, it pains me so to see so many new "members" to this club that should never have to exist.

We did not attend the candlellighting this year, either, as it was far from us, and the weather was supposed to be stormy.  Last year, we did one of our own, here at the house.  Mike's two older boys, 10 and 9, and his sister and nephew were here with myself and Mike's dad.  It was painful, because the pain was so new and so raw, but it was soothing as well, calming, warming.

I pray for strength for all of us, each day as I travel to work, your are in my thoughts and my prayers include all of you.  I am so sorry for those of you who have had so much trouble getting/keeping/seeing your grandchildren...such pain on top of such pain.  We are so blessed to have them, and just so terribly unfair for those who have to fight for that right.  Mike's littlest one, Damon, turned three today, and we do get to see him often...his mom is generous with him, though I can sense the worry in her mind when he is not with her.  Sometimes she will have us call a few times while he is here, and I know then that she is having a bad day, so I try to be mindful of that.  She misses Mike so much....she and Mike were best friends for six years, and finally started dating (it was one of those situations where it took him a while to realize that what he was looking for was right there in front of him!), and only married five months when they learned of his terminal illness.  So, after waiting all that time, she only had him for such a short time to herself. 

Well, I have rambled.  I didn't mean to go into all of that...just wanted to say hello, and let you all know that I still read, though I haven't posted much lately, the reading is helpful, seeing all of you supporting each other, and providing understanding and love to each other.  Like all of you, getting through all these holidays is a struggle...Mike SO loved the holidays, starting with his butternut squash for Thanksgiving, right through to opening his stocking after Christmas dinner...the memories fill my heart. 

I will try to post a picture of them...Mike and his boys, that was taken at his littlest one's only birthday that Mike got to share...his very first. 

My love and prayers to all, as we travel this road, I am thinking of you all and praying for you.  As mamabets said, our loved ones are still with us, every day, every hour, and provide us strength to go on...we see "signs" from Mike often...he is here, all the time, sometimes plays tricks, sometimes just lets us know he's around...we are so thankful for that.  For those of you who would like to visit, his web site is http://www.james-michael.virtual-memorials.com, and we love when people visit and sign his guestbook.  I need to do some updating, but will tend to that after the holidays.  I like to visit other's sites, as well, to read about their loved one and enjoy their memories, as well.

love and peace to all,

carol  MIKESMOMRS

[mikesmum]

Carol, glad to see you back, sad its for all those reasons we would all rather be without.  Abyss is the word that has escaped me many times when trying to describe the ocean I am drowning in. 

I hope the downsize frees up energy and allows you to spend quality time with the grandkids, they truly know how to bring you to the surface of the abyss.

As a new member in April this year, it was being here with those who had gone before that has allowed me the ability to ramble in my grief, to be lost in my heart break and to always know I am never alone......Blessed be..

[luvumicheal]

hello trudi and all...I seemed to be having technical difficulty with my computer...

I'm back..missed u guys.... sometimes when I visit b.y I will visit other sites ..like loss by violent death..(as my son committed suicide) and I copied what this person wrote..

(angelzone) she wrote this :(I just don't believe in accidents or miracles. When it's your time, it will be your time and that's it. Not one more second will be alloted to anyone. And if it's not your time, then something will occur to give you more life until it is your time.)

.. and I wonder if the same theory exist for someone who takes their life....where they still called upon????.....Its still very difficult for me as I'm trying to regroup...very difficult..its been 41 days..1 day at a time...my younger brother came over yesterday...to basically blame me for my sons death.....I would say I wasnt feeling 100 % better...but trying to be strong and deal with the hand thats been dealt....well yesterday was 20 questions day....once again starting with WHY? like if I really know...and if that wasnt enough....why ...did he think noone loved him? I wish I could turn back time ....what if...I've decided to call him coulda woulda..my brother wasnt really in contact with my son for a long period of time...he was actually shock when he saw how my son had grown..I dont really know what to make of all this...im still numb and confused and in denial....my brother seems to have some sort of guilt..and now wants to burden me with it....I mean I actually had to repeat more than 20 times ...what if...why....I shoulda..I coulda....MY SON IS GONE!!!! THERE IS NO WHAT IF!!!  THAT IS SO IRRELEVANT AT THIS POINT IN TIME...AND WHAT YOU COULDA DONE....U SHOULDA DONE......BEFORE!!!!!! NOT NOW...ITS TOO LATE...

[luvumicheal]

trudi..here is a picture of my boy....I MISS HIM SOOOOO MUCH>>>MOMMY LUVES U MIKE>>>

[luvumicheal]

heres another picture

untitled.bmp

[k8smum]

guilt is a burden for all of us here. whether it is justified or not. it has taken me 2 long, hard years to get to the point where i can tell myself i did the best for my daughter knowing what i did at the time. and i still go down that road that somehow, somehow i should have been able to save her.

i do not know if this will help you, but i am bi-polar. depressives can be terribly clever about hiding what is going on. sometimes there just are not many signals to pick up. what makes sense to those in a depressed state may not make sense to the rest of the world. logic goes out the window, except for what seems to be the answer induced by the depression.

be kind to yourself. you know in your heart that you love your son. i am certain that he knew/knows it also. cling to whatever you can. i am not a big believer of 'your time is your time.' i am not negating anyone else's experience, it just has not been shown to me that way.

let your brother keep his guilt. there are burdens enough without that.

blessed be,

annie

 

[sherrie8168]

What a beautiful boy Michael is!  That smile overpowers the sun. I know he brought you much love and joy. My Bill has been dead since Nov. 17th. Every day is hard...some harder than the others. I am so glad to find a place where when you say "I know how you feel"....you actually DO.

I am praying for God to give you strength. I am so sorry that grieving family members look for a scapegoat to blame. Shame on them.

YOU don't listen. Listen only to the voice in your heart that comes from your precious son. He is here. Now. Forever with you. Peace at last...in God's arms.

Love,

Sherrie

Bill's Momma

http://bill-mcmahon-iv.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[bbarbie55]

Sherrie My daughter would have been 26 on June 24th but she passed on April 24th. She had Hodgkins and developed pneumonia and after six weeks her husband turned off her vent she couldn't fight anymore her immune system was gone and she had two blood infections so we didn't want her to suffer anymore. I don't like the number 24 anymore you see her room was 24 in ccu.

Thanks for listening or reading it helps me to get this out. If you go the previou pages of this site you will find her web site. I don't have it right off hand.

Deb

[summergirl]

Hello to all - it is amazing to not come on this site for just one day and then the following day to find so many more postings, beautiful pictures, inspiration and heartbreak.

I have been reading postings that I have done and I had this terrible feeling that I have been so "about me" - it is like I can do nothing but talk about my loss of Jessica and there are so many here with the same terrible, crushing, heartbreaking loss. What is wrong with me? I am not the only one who has lost a child, I am not the only one grieving and trying to survive just one moment at a time, I am so sorry - yet I know that this is the only place where I can say whatever I want and its ok - so maybe I am not sorry!!! I just don't know. What I do know is that I agree with everyone on this site - losing your child is the worst thing that can happen to anyone and trying to "move on", "get past it", "accept it" is just not what I feel I have been able to do. Yes I smile, I laugh, I work, I go shopping, I read and watch tv but every moment that I am doing these things Jessica is in my head and heart. I know that I have overcome alot and I have as they say "moved on" in some aspects but I am never without the pain. The other nite while my husband took Tavian to therapy I put some Christmas music on and lit the tree and the next thing I knew I was on my knees in the middle of the livingroom holding my daughters picture sobbing and begging God to "just give me my daughter back"!!  It feels as though I am losing my mind.

I do believe that when it is your time it is your time, I do not believe that God chooses how we die but He does choose the when. I believe in miracles as my daughter is a miracle and Tavian is a miracle and all of you are miracles. I have thought at times though when someone says to me "she is in a better place" I just want to scream because what was wrong with right here, this place, this family, this home?? But there are no answers to the questions we seek so why torture ourselves with the whys, maybes, could have, should have - nothing will change the fact that our child is gone forever from this life so instead I pray every day for God to give me the strength to live, eat, breathe and be strong for those I still have in my life here and now. Jessica will never leave me, she shows herself to me when I least expect it and what glorious moments those are.

Thank you all for letting me ramble on once again about "me" - I am so blessed to have all of you to talk to whenever I need to. I just pray that I give something back.

I am going to try to post a picture - it is of Tavian and I am telling him a secrete when we were on the train coming back from the city - it is one of my favorite.

God Bless all of you - Kathy

[sherrie8168]

Kathy and Deb...

I think this IS that place where we can all open our hearts to the sadness, the guilt, the longing, the tears, the desolation and despair. It is also a place for healing and talking about wonderful memories that will one day heal our hearts enough to be able to breath again without pain.

I appreciate every post as I feel our souls are hovering and touching...in all of our same yet different pain.

Whatever you have to say, I want to "hear". If you have a memorial site for your precious angels, please repost the url, so I can visit.

MUCH love and prayers for the Great Physician to heal our broken hearts.

Sherrie

Bill's Momma

http://bill-mcmahon-iv.memory-of.com/about.aspx

[mikesmum]

Not my best day.  Last night we were invited to Micheals ex partners 30 birthday.  I had felt I was 'doing better'  and looked forward to catching up with Lauren who was in Micheals life for 10yrs.

It began okay. Reaquainting with Laurens family and the circle of friends she and Micheal had over the years.  I was a little shaky when I was asked how I was doing.  I chatted with Laurens brother who broke his neck at 19.  My Micheal was with him that day and it changed their lives forever. He was amazed he was still here while Micheal wasn't.

I wasn't ready for was the tsunami of emotions that hit me when I saw a photo frame Lauren  had  in the loungeroom.

Silver threefold frame - Micheal with Lauren wrapped around him after he had his first major surgery, Micheal painting a large cardboard house with Emily (his neice).  Micheal and Lauren, laughing and draped over the corner, his heavy silver ID bracelet.  The floor fell from under me and the best I could do was run for the door.  The tears and sobs uncontrolable. 

I want to know:  if god only gives us what we can handle, why not give us a healthy child that can live painfree and enjoy life? 

If Micheal is in a better place why couldn't his better place be here  with us  healed and pain free, why is dead the only option of being free and in a better place...

I have cried till I hurt, I have screamed till I am hoarse, my head hurts and each beat of my heart feels as though a blade is drawn in and out with each breath.......He is gone, and my life is changed.

Someone told me and I have probably said it here, the pain felt at the death of a child is reflective of the love you have.  I want to be able to love my son, my child without feeling this weight of pain......I want my son, my son......to hold to laugh with and to look into those big brown eyes and tell him its going to be okay........This I could handle...........

Sherie - visited Bills site, as with all those I visit it reflects a life lived, well loved and sadly missed.

Micheals site -

http://Micheal-Shane.virtual-memorials.com/main.php?action=reflections&mem_id=10554.

[k8smum]

how i wish i had some magic for all of us, hon. i ask the same questions and have come to my own answers which feel correct at this time.

((((trudi))))

annie

[mikesmum]

[user=18746]k8smum[/user] wrote:

how i wish i had some magic for all of us, hon. i ask the same questions and have come to my own answers which feel correct at this time.

((((trudi))))

annie

annie, thank you for the hugs.  Its as though what works for today, might not be so right for tomorrow and is subject to change without any notification.

This is such a special place, not heaven, but a version of such a place of great wisdom, understanding and above all of community built from sadness and loss.

Thank you for letting me 'fall down' one more time......I hold tight to the knowledge that I am not alone here and if one found the magic it would be shared, in many ways being here is a form of magic in itself.....

(((((annie)))))

[mikesmum]

To all here, something sent to me, i send on to all of you......

untitledww.bmp

[summergirl]

Thanks for the hug - we all need them as much as we can get them.

Trudi - I am so sorry that your "reaquainting" with Laurens family was so hard on you, seeing the pictures, the memories must have flooded your mind with sorrow and pain - my heart breaks for you. I know what you mean when you say that what is good for today may not be for tomorrow. I take each day at a time as I never know when the pain is going to completely overtake me to the point of not being able to function. Sometimes it hits me so suddenly and unexpectedly that I feel as though I will never come out of it. We went Christmas shopping today for Tavian and it was a good day until the ride home when I fell apart - I kept remembering Christmas's past and all of the wonderful memories of being with Jessica, the family together. Now I feel as though the circle is broken, never to come together again. How I long to hold her, hug her, laugh with her, smell her and just be with her. My beautiful daughter is gone forever from my life but never from my heart and mind. Will I ever have a day that I don't long for her, that I don't beg God to just give her back to me, will I ever be able to look at Tavian and not feel such pain for his loss, will I be able to keep her memory alive for him so he will know what a beautiful, free spirited, lovable mommy she was to him? My baby, how I miss you so - I cry until I am exhausted and I have also screamed silently for the nightmare to end but it remains with each breath I take. I want Christmas to be banned for the whole world this year so that people would see how hard it is when your child is not here with you - crazy huh?

I am tired as usual but sleep will come and go with me tonight as it does each night, thoughts run through my mind like a picture show, remembering, always remembering.  

God Bless each and everyone who walk this road. Kathy

Picture of Tavian having a sad moment about mommy!!!!!!!

[k8smum]

what a sweet, sad picture of little tavian. i want to hold him...

sleep is elusive for me also. i cannot sleep at nite; that was forever ruined for me by cait's passing.

i am trying to let my sil's comments go, but i want to duct tape her to a chair and just rant my pain out to her. but i know she'd never understand; my loss has affected me differently than her's has her.

mick called from phoenix today and i talked with our danny; he is so bright and reminds me of both my kids when they were 2 1/2.

i am struggling with holding on today/tonite. i need to do some writing, some art, but everything just seems like too much energy so i just stay blocked. i have a portrait that i need to do for a client, but it's not something i can just turn on/off. the muse has buggared off for a bit it seems.

light to all of us,

annie

[mamabets]

For Annie! I visited Cait's website...So, so beautiful...I must say that I do love seeing "DANNY", as my angel son is Danny..Such a fabulous name for such fabulous babies...My Danny was 25, and lives on forever...Know that he is with your sweet Cait, and know that it is their magical connections , connect all of us here...God Bless You~

 

LOVE

mamabets

xoxo

http://daniel-pallick.memory-of.com

 

[momgran]

My Dear Friends:  It’s been nearly 14 months since I lost my sweet Pippa and dear little Kieran.  As we approach the Holidays, life is showing me some amazing new realizations. The pain is still there, it is my constant, sweet companion.  But it is showing me so many amazing things!  I am actually able to experience joy, in a new ‘form’.  I am starting to become ‘attached’ to life again, but in a very different way.  I liken it to a person who has lost their sight.  That great gift, that we treasure so and take for granted.  I can imagine that to lose one’s sight would create great pain, and grief.  But in time, we would have to ‘come to terms’ with this loss, and in the meantime, we would learn to rely on our other senses.  Our hearing, our taste, smell, touch and they would intensify and the joy experience would be from those senses.

 

Mikesmum:  I went through a tremendous crisis and ‘spiralling’ of my grief just prior to and after October 22, 2007, the one year mark  I admire your courage in sharing your journey at this point and I will create a little ‘movie’ for your Mike in the next couple of weeks.  I think of you dearly as you started on this journey just after me.  You are nearly a ‘veteran’.

 

Dearest Mamabets:  You do have a calling!  You soothe many an aching soul.

 

I received a sweet gift, an ornament from Pippa’s boyfriend Richard’s Mom.  Two doves and a heart, gold and glass!  We both have stories about ‘birds’ that represent our precious babies.  I put it on the tree and even though the lights weren’t lit, I had this glowing, beautiful ‘show’ which made my heart soar!

 

Summergirl:  Your dear girl is so much like mine.  The dark blonde curls…the sweet child she bore.  Pippa and Kieran are together forever.  Your Tavian will be a comfort to you, having grown under your daughter’s heart, as Kieran will be to me as an angel.

 

May all our Angels flock around us and keep us warm this Christmas Season.

Love Peace and Patience

Debbie

[mamabets]

For my dear friend, momgran~ Yes, I believe that I do have a calling, but you have all "called" on me and my angel Danny Boy.

We have all been called upon...

I could not do this walk here on Earth, if not for all of you and your sweet, sweet angels. They make me who I am today, and carry each and every one of you in my "heart"... I know each step that you are taking, and I "listen" to those that are before me and mine...This is a walk unlike any other, and I know that one day we will all be together in a land of pure amazement... 

It is quite astounding how I have found all of "us", here...We ARE doing this journey as united as any ocean of lost souls could. Perfectly... 

I love you~

LOVE

mamabets

xoxoxoxo

[sherrie8168]

HI to all you of great strength and faith!

Today is 1 month. I have cried...my heart is so broken....I don't know how I am going to make this journey. I want my son back. And at the same time, I am so very grateful to Sweet God that he took my beautiful boy in his sleep, so peaceful. BUT...Momma misses that boy so bad. HURTS....hurts...hurts....

Please pray for me. I struggle.

 

Bill's Acheing Momma,

Sherrie

[oldgreydog]

A warm hug and strength to all,  On Fathers day this year I lost my only son , we were going to spend Fathers day going out for breakfast and watching movies together with his little sister but insted on that day my life changed forevermore. there would be no more hearing Love ya Pops no more I will make ya breakfast Pops, no more hearing  his laff or our long talks  only  lonley aparment were me and` my son lived , One night on the cold hard streets of Chicago changed my life forever

The frist Chritmas with out him is going to behard I have to be strong for the rest of my family I will have to hold in the tears till I am alone  thats just the way I am, I was feeling alone untill I found this site, Now I know I am not alone in my hurt there are folks out there who are suffering with the hurt the same as me if not more, I want to say Thank you all  as I read all the post I can, you have given me strength to hold up threw these hoildays and for all the hoildays to come

Thank you All

Byron

[bbarbie55]

:(It hurts me to see all the new faces here at this time of the year there is nothing we can do but just live day to day and remember the good times with our children. I have a hard time going through my photo albums because all the memories come back. I feel bad for my remaining daughter because she lost her sister in april this year then two months later her dad I don't know how she is handling thing but I know its hard for me.

I'm praying for all of us that we can get through this and we will grow stronger. Remember our children are still here with us in spirit and wouldn't want to give up where they are. I know I'd give anything to have my Bobbi back for just one day but it can't happen so I hang on to the memories and shed tears.

 this christmas eve will be eight months since she has been gone and I'll celebrate it with her little boy and her sister. We need to go on living for the others in our life they need us and we need them. 

I'm done ramblin

Bobbis mom Deb

[veronicasmom]

Today marks 2 months since my daughter passed away.  Eight weeks already.   And   to think that only 9 weeks ago we were hugging, laughing, making plans for this summer.... all gone.  Never imagined this.  This season is just a blur, not concentrating much on it.  I miss her voice--I'm scared of forgetting what she sounded like.  Statistically, I have another 30 years in front of me--but how can I live all this time without her?  Thank you all for letting this mom rable as I know you would understand.

[sherrie8168]

Dear Veronicasmom,

I SO understand how you feel. I saved my voicemails when my younger son, Ryan, was in Iraq. I was worried that something might happen, so I kept his voicemails. THEN...I began to save my son, Bill's, voicemails, too. Strange, huh?

They are on my answering machine, but I haven't had the nerve to listen yet. I am afraid I will fall completely apart. I am getting a small recorder to record the messages, so I can save them. Just don't have the nerve just yet.

I am 59 years old. So, guess I have a while, too, to have to live without my beautiful son, Bill. The days are just SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO long. I cry EVERY morning when I wake up because I REMEMBER that I will never see him again in this lifetime. GOD...that is such a sad statement. I know you understand.

I will lift you and all of us up in prayer....healing and peace.

God is Good.

Love,

Bill's Momma, Sherrie

[janeensmom]

23 months today...my precious daughter Janeen has been gone. I cry my heart out everyday and everyday she is still gone. I still want to wake up from this nightmare but I know it won't happen in this life....So sorry to see so many new names here and so many broken hearts. It has been quite a while since I posted anything. I do read almost daily but find most time that I do not have the emotional strength to write. I wish I could say it gets better but for me it doesn't. I am glad to hear some of you talk about trying o move forward and seem to succeed, but do you really? One glimpse of her favorite cereal, a family gathering without her, her hug that never comes and I am at the beginning once again. I can make no since out of all of this tragedy. I am sorry if I am not uplifting any of you but this is my reality and I can not try to sugar coat things to myself anymore. I am so deeply sorry for all of us. As for the holidays...the worst time of the year for so many reasons but my daughters death has been the most damaging. Thank you for letting me vent and not judging me.

Hugs...Vikki

[sherrie8168]

[user=15916][/user] 

janeensmom...

I don't think ANY of us are expecting anything in particular from each other. Mostly, I am glad to have this forum to cry, vent, talk about Bill, whine, whatever. It serves me well. I don't care about a "pepper-upper". NOTHING can do that. WE are all in the same ole boat. Some of us are further down that river than others.

I am praying that you feel some peace soon. You are wonderful. You are Janeen's mom. 

Love and Peace...

Bill's Momma

Sherrie

[sooooo]

Hello Everyone...........you are all in my heart and my arms are around each of you, as I feel your arms around me.  I lost my job a week ago and have spent the last three days in bed crying and then feeling like such a failure.  It has been 12 weeks today since I lost my David and I was doing so well for a few weeks.  I feel like a failure that I am agaom crying uncontrolably almost every single day.  I never imagined anything could hurt this deeply. 

Much like was in earlier postings, I am so grateful that God let my son's death be quick and also that he no longer has to struggle with drug addiction and alcoholism.  There, I said it................he made bad choices and they killed him.  My son was not a happy person once he got hooked and I did everything I could to help him.  He was so caught up in surviving his disease that he no longer was the person he used to be.  I truly am relieved for him that his struggle is over.  Sometimes I feel I am not supposed to say anything negative about our children but I cannot pretend either.  How I wish for him that things were different but they were not and now he fights no more.

It is me that I am sad for and his three young boys and wife and sisters and brother and aunt and uncle.........all of us.  All of you..............those of us who know what it is like to see a small child smile and you see a familiar spark and your heart just caves in yet again (a pair of silly shoes set me off the other day).  I know I will be alright and I feel God's arms around me.  I will never understand any of this, the addiction or the death.  I just know that eventuallly I will find a way to let God and all of you pull me out of this abyss.  The best I can do is stay connected and try to help others if that is possible.  Then and only then do I find relief from my own pain.

Thanks for letting me share........each of your postings move me and each gives me strength to move through one more day.  Tomorrow I have appointments so I will be up and about, even if I am crying the whole way through.

Love, hugs, light and hope to all..................Sherri

[briansdad]

I wanted to post a pic of my son with his baby girl. His last Xmas with us.