Loss of an Adult Child

[bokenhearted]

Hi to everyone.

I have not posted for sometime as I have been struggling with a breast cancer scare of my own. Thankfully all is ok now. One thing that I have come to know for sure is that as much as I miss my son now that he has passed over I do know that I am not ready to join him yet. When I was waiting on the results of my biopsy I knew that I didn't want to leave my family with more pain to deal with. So I guess something good has come from this, to be thankful I am alive and get on with living my life as best I can.

My mother-in-law has also had a set back. She was just beginning to get some quality of life after her hip replacements and has now been struck down with a stroke. Life really is cruel sometimes. She is fighting back though. Beginning to get movement back so with more hard work hopefully she will be up and running soon.

On top of all this my daughter who had moved to the city to live was having financial difficulties and was very lonely. So we have packed her up and moved her back home. I must say I am so pleased to have her back. She has decided she is a country girl not a city person. She is my only surviving child so I am pleased to have her close by. I just hope she settles now.

It seems to be everything happens at once or nothing at all. Oh well thats life I guess. I am just thankful to be here. I know I will still have bad days but I also know I want to live.

Thinking of you all

Jo

[peacefulnow]

Jo,that is good news indeed that you have come to the realization that you are not yet ready to join your son. I think we probably all think about joining our children that have passed away at one time or another, if not all the time. I know that I do. It's encouraging to hear that when you were put to the test, you wanted to live. I'm so glad that your breast cancer scare was just that...a scare. It's a shame that your mother-in-law has had a set back after things were going well. Enjoy having your daughter near you once again.

I'm asking a personal question, which of course you may decline to answer if you choose not to. When you had the cancer scare, and you looked at the possibility of your own death square in the face, were you afraid of death? I know you said you would choose to live, especially for the sake of the rest of your family. But, if it had gone the other way, would your own death have been a frightening prospect? Just curious. Cindy

[bbarbie55]

Hi

I've had a bad last four days first of all on June 24th my daughter Bobbi would have turned twenty six and she has been gone for two months. Then on Friday the twenty second my ex husband Bobbi's dad passed away in his sleep of a heart attack. So today I'm going to his funeral and this just isn't easy since its in the same church as Bobbi's. His visitation was hard and his wife who has been separated from him for over ten years and lived with him only two is trying to take everything my surviving daughter has left of her dad. This woman wasn't allowed to help in the planning of the funeral and my daughter is solely responsible for it. It comes to over eleven thousand dollars. What is bad this woman has been living with another guy and wasn't even there when my ex died. My daughter has to see a lawyer today before the funeral because her stepmom already has to try to take everything from her. This is turning into a battle and my daughter is only twenty and I hurt for her now she lost her sister two months ago and now her dad less than two months after that. God how much more can I endure. The step mom didn't even have tears for my ex all she was concerned about was money and things. I can't take anymore of her ranting which I know will happen.

Deb

[ronsmom]

Another birthday, that makes 2 now that we've had to endure. I wasn't expecting to just feel numb for most of the day. My insides were in chaos. Went to work got through that and tonight at the exact time of his birth I lit Rons candle and my husband and I just sat and cried. What the hell??? This is soooo how it isn't suppose to be. 2 freakin years, I still can't get over how the time is passing so quickly and yet standing still in my heart and my head. I so want to fill the void in my heart, and so want to quit walking around thinking "whats missing" "what am I forgetting"??? its just going to be this way I suppose, always looking for that missing peice of yourself........it sucks and thats all I can say. Now the 4th of july is coming and I wish I could turn deaf this week. my thoughts are only on my son and I wasn't there with him when he left us that day, not on picnics and fireworks.......just want to scream......

I'm sure you all know this, but just needed to say it to Somebody!! ARRRGGHHHHH........I hate this new existence!

sorry........&

blueskies

Bonnie

[mamabets]

Thinking about each and every one of you...I am sending peaceful, positive energy your way, praying for you all and walking beside EACH of you with every step you take.... I LOVE YOU and thank you for always keeping me and my Danny close to your hearts...I know that you do and am here for all of you, always, for as long as we must journey on...

xoxoxomamabets

[messenger]

HI ALL...SO SORRY TO HEAR ALL THAT IS GOING ON AND ALL THE CANCER...HOW SAD...BEEN THRU THAT WITH MY SON AND LOST HIM AT AGE 27 2 YEARS AGO JUNE 16TH.....AND HAVING BREAST CANCER MY SELF IN LATTER PART OF 03....

I WILL LIFT YOU ALL UP IN MY PRAYERS AND KNOW THAT I AM SINCERE ABOUT THIS....THERE IS SO MUCH PAIN MENTIONED IN THESE LETTERS AND I AM SO SORRY YOU ALL ARE HAVING TO GO THRU THE THINGS YOU ARE GOING THRU............

I WILL TELL YOU I BOUGHT BALLOONS FOR OUR SON AND LET ONE RED HEART GO AT THE GRAVEYARD AFTER TALKING TO JAMES AND TIED ONE TO HIS VASE BY STONE AND STILL HAVE BEAUTIFUL BLUE STAR TO LET GO HERE..IT BROUGHT MY HUSBAND AND I ALOT OF PEACE AND WE PLAN TO DO IT EVERY YEAR FROM NOW ON...PLEASE TRY THIS!! I PRAY IT WILL BRING SOME PEACE TO YOU TOO..

JUST KNOW................YOUR CHILDREN ARE WITH YOU MORE NOW THAN EVER AND THEY CAN SEE AND HEAR ALL THAT IS GOING ON HERE....

I HAVE THE BRCA GENE FOR BREAST CANCER AND WILL HAVE TO HAVE A BILATERAL MASTECTOMY SOON..MY YOUNGER SIS IS ALSO POSITIVE AND ALSO...WILL DO THE SAME..IT GIVES US A 87 PERCENT CHANCE OF GETTING BREAST CANCER..PRETTY HIGH ODDS.IT ALSO GIVES OUR GIRLS...A 50% CHANCE OF HAVING THE GENE........................I HOPE AND PRAY THEY DONT CARRY THE GENE............

IPRAY THE ANGELS WILL WATCH OVER EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU

SINCERLY

MESSENGER

[bokenhearted]

Messenger

Thankyou for your post. My heart sends you much love and many prayers that your mastectomy goes well for you. My sister has had a mastectomy of 1 breast and her words now are that the other one is really a bother at times and she wishes the other was gone too. It is so hard to deal with health issues when we are grieving for our loved children. I like you have been with out my son for 2 years last April 25th. You have faith and you are doing the right thing to give you the best chance for a healthy life.

Take care

Jo

[mamabets]

It goes without saying, but I will say it anyway!!!

I think about all of you, and I know that our angels are together, close by, watching out for us all... They will keep us safe, no matter what, and bring peace to us throughout all of these terrible life storms...

I am sorry for all of us here, but the fact that we have each other is a miracle... A sweet tribute to each and ever one of our kids...A connection that we share, no matter what, no matter where we are..

xoxoxomamabets

[bbarbie55]

Its Saturday and my daughter posted last night and she has the idea that I have religion and people of the church to help me with my grief. I know shes hurting she just lost her dad and her sister and I hurt for her. She is now making me feel like an outsider and I'm hurting real bad. I lost my daughter two months ago and her dad a week ago(ex)but we were married for twelve years. The only people who help me are here. When the site was down I felt all alone and lost I depend on this site.

My ex husbands death scared me because we are just a year apart in age. I was just in shock and it did hurt me I didn't want to see him die.

I feel like my only remaining child hates me because I don't seem to grieve but I try not to let others see me crying.

My daughters death still hurts and if I don't take my pills I can't sleep. Its hard to go to Walmart because I remember going there with her and shows she used to watch and songs.

I just plain hurt and religion and people can't help time only can.

Deb

[darrylsmom]

Hi All, This is Joyce Darryls mom. I lost Darryl 10 mos ago, now I have lost my mom. She passed away Sunday morning after having Melanoma Cancer in her right lung. She was 93 but she was pretty sharp with her mind. She love to play scrabble, bingo, & go to the boats. I know she is in a better place, like my son. I'm so sorry everybody is hurting. But know you all are in my prayers. God bless us all. Love & hugs Joyce

[heartbrokendad]

Happy Birthday CarrieAnn....I miss you so much, and I know that you and Matthew are having a great day today, thanks for sending the song to me this morning, you take my breath away also, like you always did.

Dad

[messenger]

JO THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS.............I AM SO SORRY YOU HAVE BEEN WITHOUT YOUR SON TOO...FOR 2 YEARS...HARD ISNT IT...YOU NEVER GET OVER IT AND I AM SO TIRED OF PEOPLE TELLING ME TO MOVE ON.....MANY ARE FAMILY.....I TOLD MY DAUGHTER THE OTHER DAY.....I KNOW.............HOW MUCH SHE AND HER SISTER MISS OUR SON BUT I HOPE AND PRAY ........SHE NEVER LOSES A CHILD............ALL ARE VERY HARD BUT I THINK...............SOME HARDER

DID YOUR FRIEND HAVE RECONSTRUCTION?? I AM AT A DILEMA NOW.........WENT TO SURGEON TODAY AND HE GAVE ME FEW THINGS TO FACTOR IN..SAID I HAD WOULD STILL HAVE 5 % OF BREAST TISSUE LEFT AND COULD STILL GET BREAST CANCER..............SLIM CHANCE..............AND TO WEIGH ALL OPTIONS AND IF IT IS REALLY NECESSARY..HE SAID HE WAS NOT TELLING ME WHAT TO DO..BUT WANTED ME TO COME BACK IN MONTH AND NOT BE IN A HURRY..I STILL...................FEEL I SHOULD DO THIS..AND I DONT THINK MY HUSBAND AGREES NOW...ALL OF OTHER DRS..SAID DO IT......THAT IS WHAT I NEED IS MORE CONFUSION RIGHT NOW~~

TAKE GOOD CARE AND KNOW JO..........I TOO WILL ADD YOU TO MY PRAYER LIST

LOVE MESSENGER

[bokenhearted]

Messenger

You asked if my sister had had a reconstruction. No she didn't but that was her choice and she says she is happy with the choice. But I also do have a friend who recently has had a reconstruction and she says she has better boobs now than before. Mind you it is early days for her... only about a month so I guess time will tell for her how she feels about that. I guess it is personal choice. I agree with you, sometimes having to choose is difficult. Did you mean that if you have a reconstruction you still have a 5% chance of getting breast cancer? - against not any chance if you don't have a reconstruction? Ultimately the choice is yours but I can only tell you again that my sister says she does not miss the boob she had removed at all. Wish I could be more help to you.

Good luck

Jo

[cocoasmom]

Ronsmom (Bonnie)

I know this is a bad day. But just know that I am thinking of all of you today. Keeping you all close to my heart.

Love Ang

[briansdad]

Just thought I'd drop in and tell you all how we celebrated Brian on the 4th of July.

I had many of his friends over and we blew up watermelons.He started the tradition a couple of years before he died and just wouldn't be right to let it fall by the wayside.

[aprilsmom]

Hi Briansdad. It's been a long time......I guess, life really does go on....whether we want it to or not. 2 1/2 yrs. now since losing April....so, so bittersweet........the memories......her smile lighting up the sky brighter than any fireworks anywhere.

Take Care--my thoughts are never far from all you parents here,

Renee

[daveydow1]

Hello to Everyone at BI,

I have not been reading or posting for quite some time,

due to moving and getting settled in. I have read--with

much sorrow, your recent posts. I will pray for all, and

Peace be with each and every one.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all: I am just dropping by to let you all know that I have not forgotten any of you...things have been so crazy here and at work. I have been away to training for work to Virginia...good thing about that was that I got to see my oldest daughter and her two beautiful daughters who are 10 and 6. Such joy just streaming out of them, all the time!

I am so sorry to see new members here, it is so sad that so many are living through the grief of losing their child. Mike's 31st birthday is next month and I have to catch my breath just thinking about it...the first birthday without him here to smile and laugh and tell us that if it falls on a weekend, he gets to celebrate it for the whole weekend! Life goes on, I know, but so sadly sometimes.

Messenger: So sorry to hear about your confusion regarding your surgery, as well as the need for it. I do pray for you and that the right thing will be what happens in the long run. Know you are being thought of and prayed for.

All of you are in my prayers always.

Joyce: so, so sorry about your mom. It doesn't matter how old you are or how old they are, I think when you lose your mom, you lose so much...part of your past, part of you, is gone, and now you are the "mom" in the family, the one at the top, and it can be lonely. When I lost my mom, I felt as though part of my heart just melted away. We were very close, and I miss her so much. Take care, and please know that you are in my prayers also.

I know I have left some of your names off, but plse know I never leave you out of my prayers. I have to get to bed, work time in just 4 hours!

To all, love and peace

carol MIKESMOMRS

[mamabets]

Hi mikesmomrs~ So glad that you got to see the girls!! GREAT AGES, and little girls are such a hoot!!! The little boys tend to be more serious!! LOLOL

Jackie and Josh come with Julia and Caroline on the 6th of August for a week- Can hardly wait.

Losing one's breath with this sadness can be so overwhelming. I have been doing well, overall, and I lost my breath on the 21st...the day, three years ago, that Jackie pulled the plug on Danny's life support. It was scary, yet once it passed, memories of so many happy times took over. So MANY beautiful memories have been at the core of this. I thank my God and Danny every day for this. His signs have always been, and remain to be, quite amazing, yet the absence of his voice is so sad...I do know that a life will never cause him sadness like this, and I hold on to that as well. He really does LOVE where he is, and that, coupled with knowing that he so loved life here, has been my strength...

I love you, and your little "Sweet Caroline" has sprouted 2 teeth, and has a bag FULL of tricks!!!

xoxoxomamabets

[bbarbie55]

Hi everybody

I just got my paper today and the reporter who interviewed my daughter in January put a memorial to her,she called it A final wish.

This is the last paragraph of it.

Two weeks ago Bobbi would have turned 26 years old and I wanted to do something to celebrate the birthday she didn't live to see by honoring one of her final wishes to help motivate people to educate themselves about stem cell research before making a decision-whatever that may be-about the issue.

It kind of brings back the pain and sadness because I was there for the interview and she was alive then. It was a very good article and it made me proud of my daughter again,but still sad and empty.

I'm doing better these days I only cry every other day now. She is always in my thoughts now its up to me to make sure her son never forgets mommy thats the hardest. I know his dad is just trying to forget her and bury the past.

My grandson doesn't need a new mommy he needs his daddy.

I just wish nobody had to suffer a loss like this but it happens and life goes on. Why does it seem like my life ended on April 24th 2007. I wish I didn't have to put on a front with people and I wish they understood my pain.

Deb

[4everjoeysmom]

Wow! It's been a while since I've posted... On the 31st will be one year since Joey left us. It's hard to believe a whole year has come and gone... He would have been 25 this August 7th, one month from now. I remember when my dad called me to wish me a "happy quarter century", and my son didn't make it to that point where I could do the same... I miss you so much Joey! Think of you ALL the time...

[mamabets]

Hi Everybody~ I am slowly finding my way back to all of you...I went back to so many posts from 2005, some from before,some from after, and I must say... I miss so many of you..I welcome, with this wounded heart of mine, any and all of you that have found your way here since then, as it is a great place for all of us that have unwillingly, yet willingly, helped each other so much. I have made some lifetime friends through this loss of my Danny, and I KNOW that he has the best friends ever where he is now... Real, friends forever, friends...Friends that have become a part of his family, too... They all guide us through each and every day, and believe me...There IS hope when you know there is none....When you feel like you just can not do this anymore, it's the love and steady support of us that "get it" that get you, and will try will all of their might, to catch you as you are beginning to fall. I love you all, am truly "comfortable" again, and have been for quite sometime. There is not a minute that passes that I don't think of my Danny...All that he was, and all that he continues to be. I weep daily, yet the part of my heart that just plain refused to give up on life, is beating still. I have gotten support in places that I never dreamed possible, have graciously walked away from others with my head held high. Through it all, I have continued to come back here, checking in and keeping up the best that I can. Sweet Kelly, the founder of Beyond Indigo has just given birth...A little baby girl, whose name is Kaleena, and means PURE in Hawaiian...New life, new hope, and reason for us all to bow our heads, and smile softly.. I , too, have a new baby grandaughter, Caroline, and she,in her little 4 months, has tugged at a million heart strings. We all have news to share, stories to tell, and I look forward to seeing you here!!! I love you all!! xoxoxomamabets

[ladonna1st]

My name is LaDonna... 3 years ago this month my world was changed forever... My beautiful daughter Elizabeth was taken from me and her family and friends... And our lives will never be the same... She was only 24 years old... She was smart and witty... and she was my best friend... She lived with diabetes for 17 years... But it never slowed her down for a minute.. She took very good care of herself except for the occasional bout with the flu or stomach virus... She went to college and in 2001 she and I started our own daycare center in our small town... Her life was set... but that was not meant to be... She got a stomach virus on May 13th 2004 and the ER doctor messed up her arteries in her leg andcause blood clots to spread to her stomach and leg. After she was rushed into surgery the next day in another hospital 50 miles away to repair the artery and remove what blood clots the doctor could... She was never well after that... she lost the battle on July 24 th 2004... She was at home and woke up on Friday morning not feeling good... but she refused to go back to the ER... I stayed with her and I never left her side... She talked to me throughout the night.. The last time I talked to her was 4:10 am... I checked on her at 5:30 am and she was already gone... They ruled her death as dibetes related.... But it wasnt.... And I have to live with the guilt of not taking her to the hospital.... I have had so many people tell me..."its not your fault"....I live with the pain and guilt everyday.... And I miss her more and more everyday.... Thank you for letting me talk.... I hope to be back sometime... who knows....Ladonna

[mamabets]

For LaDonna~ I am so, so sorry for your loss. I ache for you...I know the feelings all too well. My hope is that you come back and continue to share your beautiful daughter with the people here~ You would be amazed at how much reaching out like you have, can help you as you travel down this long and winding road...This road called LIFE. When one gets to the place called "losing a child", all things change so tragically, that you don't know which way to go, day in and day out. I lost my 25 year old son on June 16, 2004. As I have often been quoted as saying...."I lost so much when I lost Danny, but he has gained it all". His bright light has been the light that has shown me the way around this, for you never get through it, or over it... I know with every ounce of who I am that he is in a place, surrounded by all of his new "angel buddies", and I know that he will never, ever, ever again have to witness so many cruelties of life here. This has brought me tremendous comfort since the beginning of this nightmare, however it has certainly not been " the answer" during those times when I just wanted to crawl deep into the nearest hole, never wanting to re-surface again. I must say that this Beyond Indigo saved my sanity. There are people that have touched my life in such a way since that fateful night, and somewhere through it all, my "show does go on". I found a "hidden hope" back when I first "joined this club that no one ever dreams of becoming a member of"..These were a couple of the quotes that then, and still do, love me through this. I have another child- A wonderful daughter that has blessed me with 2 grandaughters...She and her brother were, and still are, the best of friends, and the void that this has left in our lives is one that will always be tarnished... My Jackie's strength has been mine, and together we now laugh again at so many funny things that Danny did and still does. We laugh at the many funny things that her little girls do. We weep on a very regular basis, always knowing that the memory of Danny lives on, so therefore, so too does he. We know that he loves the magic that his Heavenly existence has brought to him, and we know that one day, we will be with him again. He leaves us many beautiful signs, letting us know that all is perfect in his new world... Please keep coming back here, if you feel that you can. Danny's website is http://www.daniel-pallick.memory-of.com. Sometimes just reading what others have written helps to soften the ache...Much love to you~ xoxomamabets

[bokenhearted]

Hello all

I am not having a very good time of late. It is 2 years 2 1/2 months since we lost our son/brother. We have managed pretty well over this time and I guess as well as anyone can expect. It is just that so many things keep happening to us. Health problems and my daughter can;t seem to settle at anything. No job at the moment and getting a bit down. We have all had the flu and that is taking time to get over. My mother-in=law had a stroke and finding it hard to keep her spirits up. It is all just taking its toll on all of us. I feel really bad as I find I am having thoughts along the lines of I just want to run away for awhile. I don't want to think about anyone else except myself. How selfish is that? I just want everyone else to look after themselves and I don't want to even think about their problems. I have enough of my own to deal with but I know that I won't run away but if anyone has any suggestions of how to get through these feelings I am having please do tell. I just don't seem to have 5 minutes to myself these days. I don't mean to sound like a whinger because I know there are so many of you out there who have more to deal with than me but how can I change my thoughts to more positive ones? Help please

Thanks for letting me let off steam.

Jo

[brin3d]

Three and a half years ago I found my way to this wonderfully supportive site with so many people sharing the same agony that I felt. Yes it has been four years since my daughter died in an auto accident on July 8th, 2003 leaving her 1 year old for me to love and care for. I would like to share with you all that helped me so much in my darkest hours that today Alize and I are doing so much better. We have come so far in these past years and much of that I owe to the folks here that were just willing to let me babble about how I was feeling at any given hour of any given day. I still have days of sadness beyond the normal but they are less frequent. I still miss her terribly and wonder what the rest of my life ahead holds for me and my sons and Alize. But through it all, I am a better person today. I never forget to tell my sons and Alize I love them every chance I get. I hug Alize often....and I have taken chances with things I have always wanted to do but put off because I just knew I would have many tomorrows.

For all you new parents following down the path that is unfortunately well travelled....there is hope if you truly want to be the best person you can be. I dont know your child personally but I know that my daughter would want nothing less from me and to give less to myself, my sons, and her child would be doing a great injustice to her and her memories.

Any wisdom I could pass to you would be only to remember, feel your feelings...all of them.....know that it was not your fault (which of course was the hardest thing for me because I bought and owned the car she was driving that fateful day}....and never give up on yourself or you family.

[bbarbie55]

brin3d

Thank you I know I shouldn't hide that I hurt and I get tired of people saying your doing good I'm not I just don't let them see me cry.

My daughter and I became close through the birth of my grandson and then the cancer. She was out of my life till 2002. Her sister and her were in foster care then with their dad. I feel cheated because I just got my daughter back and now shes gone. She was only 25 I should have gone before her dad did less than 2 months after her. I miss her so I don't want to go on. Her sister doesn't really care if I'm around or not so I feel like I lost everything. I just can't get all my feelings out I was taught to private with my feelings. I'm still not over my moms death almost 20 years ago but this is worse.

Sorry for rambling on I just had to vent.

Deb

[daveydow1]

For LaDonna,

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter. I

hope you will come back to BI. There's a lot of help

and inspiration on this site, from those who know,

firsthand, what you are going through. I lost my dear

son, Davey, 6/14/03 in a traffic crash where a driver

fell asleep at the wheel, crashing his big rig into 7 cars, injuring

several people and killing my son. I will pray that you

can somehow find some peace along the way on this very

sad and difficult road.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[brin3d]

bbarbie

I am saddened that you feel that you must hide behind a mask. Many parents tried to instill in their children that they should always cry in private. Tears can be for many things and not just for loss. Crying is good for the soul no matter the reason just as laughter is. I decided that if people didn't want to see me cry...oh well their problem and they could leave...I have every right to my feelings and emotions and so does every parent that has lost a child...My daughter Darcia was 23 when she died....As I have said in the past...the hardest part was to sit with her for three days and watch her life ebb slowly away. I wanted to just magically make her open her eyes and say "I love you mom" like so many times before. I also have lost my mother and father....My father in 1967 and my mother in 1972...that was nothing compared to losing my child....but I still after 30 years cry on the anniversary of their deaths.....It is all part of truly loving someone so much that when they are no longer there a part of who you are is taken with them....and the hole remains vacant until you are reunited back to each other.....no one else can ever fill the void that losing a child causes. As for rambling....I did so much of that people must have thought I was losing my mind....soooooo....I started a journal on my computer where I rambled all I wanted to....it did help....and four years later...I re-read some of what I wrote and realize I have come so very far from the depths of darkness back to the land of the living and what I call normal today.

Ramble all you want....that is what we are here for....to listen to each other and help if we can....

Barb

[mamabets]

For Brin3d~ HELLO my friend!!! Yes, I am with you...Crying is good for the soul, and when it comes to this grief walk, communicating as much as I can, whenever I can, about all that I am feeling, has been a God send. While there are certainly times when "quieting the mind, body and soul" are critical as well, talking about it has been such a help...It's talking about Danny, and while he has traveled to another dimension, he is still very much here. I am just as involved in his life as before, just differently. I have "learned", for he has "taught"...I love you and it is so sweet to see you here!!

xoxoxmamabets

[mhill49]

Dear LaDonna..........I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. I lost my 23yr old daughter in Oct 2006. She was in her apartment when there was a fire and she died in the fire. Her name was Nicole. She was in a wheelchair because she had Spina Bifida. Nicole had been out on her own for only 2 months. But, she was the happiest I had ever seen her. She had finally made it out on her own. She was so proud of herself.

I feel guilt also in my daughter's death. The family and I had been staying with her in the beginning. We had been slowly letting her stay by herself, because she felt comfortable now. I talked to her at 8pm and told her I would be there at 830am. I could of stayed with her that night. Maybe i could of saved her. Maybe she would not of got into her wheelchair if I was there. I could of carried her out. You see, her wheelchair caused the fire and Nicole got into the chair because the smoke alarms went off. She called 911 but couldn't get out. The chair stopped working. It was a motorized chair.

Everyone tells me not to feel that way. That I might of gotten killed also.

But as a Mom how can I not feel that way. I think it is normal to feel that way. I know she wanted to be like everyone else her age. She wanted to be able to be on her own. I did everything she wanted me too. That is how I have to look at the whole situation. But every once in a while, I still think of the previous thought I wrote.

LaDonna you did everything she wanted you to do. It was her wish not to go to the ER. You stayed with her. Try not to think that way. But I understand why you would. I know it will take a while which is ok also.

I hope you do write here again. It can be helpful

[mhill49]

I wanted to say hi to everyone. I hadn\'t posted in a while. We made it through 4th of July,Nicole loved going to the parade and the fireworks on this day. We also made it through Nicole\'s birthday, July 11th. She would of been 24 yrs old. I cried for three days before her bday. On her bday, I had a friend come over so I wouldn\'t be alone. Then my husband Steve decided not to go to work. It ended up not being to bad of a day. We talked about Nicole and some of the funny things she did and said. We also cried some too. But it was good not to be home alone.

I am on vacation now for 2 weeks. I am so excited. Time to relax and go to the beach and enjoy life. That is how my Nicole would want me to do it.

Talk to you again soon

[Guest Guest]

I wanted to say hi to everyone. I hadn't posted in a while. We made it through 4th of July,Nicole loved going to the parade and the fireworks on this day. We also made it through Nicole's birthday, July 11th. She would of been 24 yrs old. I cried for three days before her bday. On her bday, I had a friend come over so I wouldn't be alone. Then my husband Steve decided not to go to work. It ended up not being to bad of a day. We talked about Nicole and some of the funny things she did and said. We also cried some too. But it was good not to be home alone.

I am on vacation now for 2 weeks. I am so excited. Time to relax and go to the beach and enjoy life. That is how my Nicole would want me to do it.

Talk to you again soon

[Guest Guest]

I wanted to say hi to everyone. I hadn't posted in a while. We made it through 4th of July,Nicole loved going to the parade and the fireworks on this day. We also made it through Nicole's birthday, July 11th. She would of been 24 yrs old. I cried for three days before her bday. On her bday, I had a friend come over so I wouldn't be alone. Then my husband Steve decided not to go to work. It ended up not being to bad of a day. We talked about Nicole and some of the funny things she did and said. We also cried some too. But it was good not to be home alone.

I am on vacation now for 2 weeks. I am so excited. Time to relax and go to the beach and enjoy life. That is how my Nicole would want me to do it.

Talk to you again soon

[Guest Guest]

Hi, I\'m new here, and want to say how much I miss my daughter Vangie today on my birthday. She was always the one who cherished these family occasions, and made sure we always celebrated.

She\'s been gone since Feb. 2006, due to Cancer, leaves a 11 yr.old boy, Wesley, who was so very close to her, and her husband, who has pretty much cut us off from seeing Wesley. We all lived together for 8 yrs. and I helped take care of her while she was sick for 4 years.

Wesley will be coming to our house tonight, along with my other adult daughter, her husband and 2 little girls. My husband of 44 yrs is here too, and we have gone through this time and loss together. This is very wonderful, but my heart aches for Vangie, and sometimes I still can\'t believe she\'s gone from this physical world.

I know she is here in spirit, and we have gotten many signs and clues from her, but still miss her trememdously.

Gramma, Vangie\'s mom

[kathysmom]

Hi I'm new to posting at this board, but have been reading for the last few months. My husband and I lost our only daughter to cancer on 4/22/07.

she was married in 1/5/05 and I thought my prayers were answered. We had the perfect life. After Thanksgiving she announced she was pregnant, what more could life have to offer. On her one year anniversary she and her husband were in a rollover accident, but everything seemed fine. In April she stared having hip pain and her leg swelled to where I thought it would explode. Doctors said they had seen this before and she began shot in the spine thinking it was a disc injury from the accident. In June after a physical therapist said she couldn't work with her anymore and called her doctor they did tests and discovered many blood clots. She was admitted to a hospital here for pregnant women and her white blood count was over 1 million. They took MRI and found a mass in hip 6/17/07. Her baby was due 8/12/07. On 6/19/07 we had a 3#14oz grandson and to make a long story short our daughter had cancer. My daughter was a surgical nurse in the heart lung unit and her husband a doctor. After many hospitals and treatments she lost her battle on 4/22/07. I miss her more than life itself. While I was reading on this board a few weeks ago a medium's name was bought up Marcel Cairo. I researched him listened to his blog radio program and was drawn to him. Yesterday I had a reading. To say I was blown away is an understatement. Within 2 minutes of our reading he asked if her father had closed her eyes after she had passed. It took my breath away, because only 2 people know this, as she died at home at 3:30 in the morning with just her infant son my husband and myself. I asked her before he called to mention 2 things to identify her to me 1 being we were the 3 muskateers and 2 her love for Hello Kitty, now mind you my daughter was 34 years old. I know my daughter is with us of this I am now positive and I am not endorsing any mediums because everyone must due their own investigating. I hid this from my husband as I thought he would think I lost my mind, but there are specific messages to him so I will fess up as soon as I get the nerve. Most of the time I read all of your stories and am sobbing for you all and myself, but today I find myself talking to my daughter in the present as she asked me to do. I am so sorry for the rambling, but today I have some peace in my heart and wish the same for all here.

[bbarbie55]

Hi

Having a tough time sleeping still reliving Bobbi's death and her sickness. I can't believe she will be gone three months on the twenty fourth. I still feel a horrible pain when I think about her. I keep thinking this is a nightmare I'll wake up from but I don't. I wish my life would get back to normal. I'm even thinking about ending my marriage because he does not understand the pain. He makes fun of the fact I'm still grieving over her. I can''t take this anymore I just want all this to end,I'm doing no good here anymore I couldn't even get my own daughter to get help before it was to late. I feel so like a loser right now. I don't even enjoy things I use to. Does this ever stop.

Deb

[mamabets]

For bbarbie55~ I wish I could tell you that this gets "easier", but "it" does not. I have found, with time, that I, believe it or not, would not want for "it" too, because "IT" is all about Danny and the missing him that will be a part of me until the day that I am reunited with him again. Having said that, what DEFINATELY does happen, is that you will one day "walk with this grief"~ This was told to me wayyyyyyy early on in my journey, and I believe it now as strongly as I did then...This loss will become the biggest part, of the rest of your life, and the rest of your life will include laughter, hope, joy and other sweet things as well. I can truly say that I am happy in participating in all that Danny would want for me to, but trust me, it takes time. Reach out to those that comfort you, as much as possible, and please try to make no changes in your life for awhile. You have suffered the greatest loss of all, and we can say all day long that they are in a better place, for they are. But, it does not make our journey HERE any easier, especially when it seems as if we can not take one more breath. My Danny was 25 years old... He forever will be....He left here in June of 2004, and I do thank God every day that he will NEVER know a torture like this...Never....!!! The torture of losing like this. This lifetime, for whatever reason, tested him to the max,so believe it or not, it helps to keep me going knowing that he loves where he is, and he loves the good memories that he left behind. Those thoughts, and my daughter, and my grandaughters, and my hubby, and my doggies. My list could go on and on, but do I STILL get slammed with pain?? Of course... I have also been hurt by many on this road since that fateful night, but somehow a loss as tremendous as this one makes it easier to clearly see who will be with you, lovingly and honestly, and who won't be. Hang here with us as much as you can...This Beyond Indigo is all that it appears to be, and beyond.... xoxoxmamabets

[mamabets]

For Kathysmom~ Bless your hearts, all of you, for you are so early on this road called "which way do I go now???" I feel for you, I know your fresh agony all to well. My 25 year old son, Danny, died in June of 2004, but I know that he LIVES on, still. He LIVES like never before, and one day, I will be with him again. He guides each and every step that I take, and leaves many miracle signs daily. I am so sorry for all of you...This is the worst pain of all, and as her husband, now ths young widower, dear God, can attest to, being a doctor himself, this is THE # 1 stressor...They "teach" one that in medical school...What they do not "teach" any of us, is how to become a lifelong member of THIS club. I can tell you this..I have met some beautiful, kind hearted people along this journey...People that I would not know if I walked into a room and they were sitting there. Yet, these people, in spite of their own pain, have caught me so many times when I have been headed for a fall. I have done the same for them. We all become a close part of this thing called genuine teamwork. We shut down when we must, and we get renewed strength in the kindness of others. Please come here and know that all of us know EXACTLY how you feel, at all times. Your sadness is ours too, and we will help you, morning, noon and night, when we can. I can speak for many here, I think, and know too, that sometimes it helps just to come and read. You don't "have" to do or be anything than who you are now...A mom who has lost a child, and needs help and guidance. Try to stay away from people that seem to hurt your feelings...They are lurking, for whatever reason, and you do not need to go there... xoxoxmamabets

[heartbrokendad]

Dear Kathysmom

Its been a while since I have posted here other than to say happy birthday to my daughter CarrieAnn, but I lost her on 11/03/02, and her brother Matthew on 7/16/03. Both drug related, Carrie overdosed on heroin, and Matthew was going into rehab when he had a massive blod clot.

I also look for signs from them, have been to many readers, some good some awfull...what I found is that they have no idea what we seek, and tend to gear their readings to people who have lost parents, as most cant imagine losing a child, never mind two.

I have read many books on dieing, the after life, and would recomend Michael Newtons book on the after life. Journey of Souls. It gave me much hope, and comfort, and yes your daughter is still with you, as was mine.

She came to me in a dream just before Thanksgiving, and told me she was moving on to the next level, or where we all come from, I actually saw the light she went into, and I have not heard from her since. As for Matthew, I never heard from him when he was alive, so why would that change now? He was a very free spirit.

Hang on to your happy thoughts of her, and she gave you a wonderful gift, your grandchild.

Peace to you and yours

Stu

Carrie and Matthews dad

[kathysmom]

Dear heartbrokendad: I'm sitting here trying to find the words to offer you comfort and there aren't any. I have lost many in my life and I have gone on, but this is different. I won't be able to tuck this neatly away and go on with my life, because my life as I knew it is over. Please don't think I don't miss my family because I do and when my mom passed away I remember saying God you can't do anything else to me to hurt me more. I was 34 then same age as my daughter when she passed. Have you ever felt you were to blessed and always had a feeling it was to good to be true? In a way that was me always waiting for the other shoe to drop, but never did I expect to lose my child. My grandson is the sweetest soul, but bittersweet to me right now because everytime I change him or feed him or play with him I know that these are things Kathy wanted to do. While she was sick she stayed with her dad and myself for the last months and I was taking care of him, she would say but I wanted to do that. Still breaks my heart. I went to a medium after I researched him not immediately and I tell you that probably the biggest thing I learned was to speak to her in the present tense not past, because she is here with us, this is something a mom knows. Thank you mamabets I appreciate the warm welcome and heartbroken dad I will read the book you suggested.

[daveydow1]

For bBarbie55 and Kathysmom,

I have read, with sorrow, of your losses. I am so

sorry for you, and know the unbelievable pain you

are feeling in these early times after your loss.

Please come to BI whenever you feel up to it.This

site has helped me so much in the past 4 yrs. since

my son was killed. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[ronsmom]

I have a problem with finding someone who tried to contact me through the Beyond Indigo Buddy listing.......a woman wrote me about losing her son who has a twin left behind. I would so like to contact this woman but can't seem to navigate this buddy system to find her or her email address. If you are reading this and and tried to contact me under (freeflyron on the buddy list) please contact me personally...or anyone who wants to contact me, come through direct to my email,

vbrrk-@hotmail.com or write to me here, as I come often to read posts.

I did manage to get through this past anniversary of ours, 2 years on the 4th of July .... it seemed to be harder than the first year if thats possible. I know this year the whole realization is sinking in and I think thats the hardest part, knowing now that this REALLY did happen, it has been so surreal for the past 2 years. I have a few very good people who have stuck by me, the few I've met right here on Beyond Indigo and a cousin and a couple friends at work...we have all been living this nightmare so were the only ones who truly understand that this new life "Is what it Is". and IT just plain SUCKS..........

nothing else to add right now, but to the woman who tried to make contact, I have no suggestions for you, except just do whatever it is that will get you through another 24 hours, only YOU will know what that is. Cry, sleep, talk, whine, whatever it is that gets you through. Know that grief is going to take its toll on you in many ways, the pain is always there, it doesn't get "easier"

I don't know what "it gets" I just know now after 2 years my Ron still orbits my head but sometimes an hour or two will go by before he completes the circle where before it was a constant. Is that progress? I don't know. But he's still in there all the time, sometimes as he flies by he brings great pain and I go back to day one, other times he brings a smile. The memories are beginning to surface and we can smile thinking of them. Is that progress? I guess. Please know I am here to talk to anytime, talking is what will help you, nothing else!! You need to TALK about your son/daughters/children others don't understand the need but I do....nothing is better than a heart to heart talk.........all of you please take care and know I'm thinking of each and everyone of you though I haven't posted daily or weekly in a while, I come and visit you often and get alot of support when I need it most. Hang in there take your baby steps, and push forward to the day we can get to see them again! Thats my goal.

blueskies,

Bonnie

[lorismom]

Dear Guest (Vangie's mom) and Kathysmom ~ I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughters. I, too, lost my daughter, Lori, just a little over 3 years ago in a car accident. She was 34 years old and my only child. I'm glad that you found this wonderful site. Beyond Indigo and the wonderful people who share their stories here have helped me so much on this long journey. My heart is with you both and I hope you will continue to stay with us. I'd also like to share a little poem that I found on another website that might be of comfort to you. I have it in a frame on my wall with a picture of Lori. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you. Love, Patty

Death is nothing at all.

I have only slipped away into the next room.

I am I, and you are you whatever we were to each other, that we are still.

Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.

Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.

Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.

I am but waiting for you just around the corner.

All is well.

[janeensmom]

Why?????so much pain and heartache....It has been 1 year, six months and 5 days since my beautiful, precious daughter died. I am so sad for all of you who have lost a child or children. It really hasn't gotten any better and it really never will. Oh sure I can got out now and have a good laugh or two but in my aloneness I am forever sad. So many people who asked what can they do have just disapeared (family and friends alike). Do I have something they think is contageous? And no they can't fix me,and I don't expect them to. I just want a kind word, a simple jesture to show me that they care. I hate this horrible journey we are all on and if one more person tells me that she is in a better place or God only teakes the best or any other hollow, hurful words I am going to scream!!!!! The only people I get any comfort with are other moms and dads who know what it really means to loose part of your very being. I really don't know how much more I can handle. It has destroyed my life and my relationships to the point that I just have to say good-bye to them and keep moving on! Sorry but I needed to vent and I know thid is truely a place where I will be understood and not judged.

Hugs....Vikki

[daveydow1]

For Ronsmom, Bonnie

Yes, you are so right---the pain will never go

away. It's always there no matter what. I hope

you can somehow find some peace.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Lorismom, Patty,

Such a comforting poem. Thank you. Yes, the time

slips by, but we never forget, and always have the

pain in our hearts. It's especially sad that Lori

was your only child. I am so sorry for you. I hope

being here on BI helps a bit. Take care & peace be

with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Janeensmom,

It is not possible for me to say anything that

could help you in this very early time of grief

in the loss of dear Janeen, but just know that

everyone here knows your pain, and hopes to give

you understanding since we are all on the same

long road. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[ronsmom]

VIKKI:

You are so right. No one can fix us. This is our new world that no one can understand, and I'm with you on the "God only takes the good" & "they are in a better place" bullshit. No, thats not how it is, it was a horrible thing that happened and I don't care how much fun my Ron was having right before he died, he DID NOT want to DIE, he wanted to keep having fun. Those statements are so hollow to me. At first I just cried and said "yeah" but not anymore. I usually just stare the idiot down and walk away. Yes, I have changed. Yes, I've changed and not for the better, I'm easy to cry, I'm angry, I don't care about small things or crap. I only care that my life has been forever changed and not for the good. I've become such a b**ch at times. I can make a joke, or laugh for a few minutes and do normal functions, but so many moments of the day revert back to that day, the moment my world collapsed leaving my emotions so screwed up.........

I want you to know, I am sooo sorry for your loss. Sincerely! We do know, those of us who are Here on this board. How pathetic but its true. We are the ones you can talk to anytime and we won't turn away. Hang in there, baby steps, one day, one moment at a time........

blueskies!

Bonnie

[bbarbie55]

Thanks to all of you I thought I was the only one that felt that way. I'm glad I'm not alone but God I wish I didn't have a reason to be here.

Deb