Loss of an Adult Child

[kathy714]

Dear Guest,i am so sorry for the loss of your son Matt,he passed 2 weeks after my son Nathan,my son passed away on his 21st birthday,Jan31,2005,they found him in a parking lot,the temp that night was 18 degrees.Nathan was my youngest son ,i also have another son ,Kevin,.Kevin and i get along ok,but Nathan and i was so close,it is like god knew our time together would be short,because we had such a close bond,and really enjoyed doing things together.I feel like my other son[kevin] comes to visit because he has to ,not because he wants to,he always kept more to himself.I am sorry that you and your other son don't talk,that must be so hard on you,maybe try sending him a card or a letter,i hope you return to BI everyone here is so understanding...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[heartbrokendad]

Good morning friends..

Its been a while since I last visited this place, tody is my son Matthews birthday, he is 35 today, and I miss him and his sister Carrie even more than when they died.

Happy birthday Matt.....

Love you both...

Dad

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear HeartBrokenDad, I know what you mean about missing more today than when Matthew died. I am finding that as more time goes by and the significant days come about thta I too miss Joey more than before. Although the missing begins immediately, it's the period of shock and disbelief that keeps us at bay when things first happen. But later when the silence continues to grow in that place of communication, love and laughter that once was so full in our lives, the missing grows more intense. And on those special days that we would be making a fuss over our child and recognizing their special day with celebration in "togetherness", the missing hurts even more. I am so very sorry you feel this--and that any of us have to feel this. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you journey through this day and all days in a state of :missing". I deeply understand and wish you peace and a day filled with the best memories to surround you in Matthew's love, even if it hurts, because that love is the greatest gift that survives our children. Love never fails...or dies. I wish I could say something ingenius to help. Please just know that I share in your pain and I am so verry sorry it is so hard. (And Happy birthday Matthew! Praying that the Heavens are throwing a wonderful party for you today...) Love, Claudia

[heartbrokendad]

Than you Claudia,

Your very kind, and very thoughtfull....

[mikesmomrs]

Heartbrokendad: I am so sorry I missed the opportunity to wish your son Matthew a happy heavenly birthday...I have not been posting as much lately, but have been here reading and keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Every morning as I drive to work, I pray for all of you and your children, carrying you with me on my journey. I do hope you were able to have some joyful memories flood your heart through his day.

Debbie: Visting your Pippa and Kieran's site brought me comfort as I read of the love and memories you have for them. I so agree with your statement that our children "would want me [us] to be a 'whole' person and get and give whatever happiness I [we] can out of this life." One of the last things our son said to us was "Please continue to live your lives, don't spend your time crying and being sad. Live." It is hard sometimes, but we are trying. Spending time with his young children does help tremendously, and the bittersweet aspects of being with them seems to lessen over time, or at least not be so prevalent.

Guest: So very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Matt, as well as the estrangement of your younger son, Jeremy. Do you have the care of Brandon? Such a tragic loss, and know you are in my prayers. I sometimes think that estrangement can be worse than losing someone; to know that someone you love is near and alive, but out of your life can be so painful. My sister, who recently passed away, had been estranged from one of her sons for a number of years. He came to her services--I wonder if he felt the pain of the wasted years of estrangement and if it will alter his life now to be more forgiving and loving? I pray he will "soften" now.

to all of the other parents who have had to find their way to this site recently, we welcome you but wish so much you didn't have to be here. God bless. You are in our thoughts and prayers always.

carol MIKESMOMRS

[shuugar]

This might be out of the ordinary but I would like to ask anybody if you know a good song for the mother and groom wedding dance? My son is getting married May 19th and he has asked me to pick a song. "Wish for you" by Faith Hill is one I'm thinking of but I'm not sure if it's appropriate. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I think the grooms father dances with the bride too.

[mikesmomrs]

Heartbrokendad: I am so sorry I missed the opportunity to wish your son Matthew a happy heavenly birthday...I have not been posting as much lately, but have been here reading and keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Every morning as I drive to work, I pray for all of you and your children, carrying you with me on my journey. I do hope you were able to have some joyful memories flood your heart through his day.

Debbie: Visting your Pippa and Kieran's site brought me comfort as I read of the love and memories you have for them. I so agree with your statement that our children "would want me [us] to be a 'whole' person and get and give whatever happiness I [we] can out of this life." One of the last things our son said to us was "Please continue to live your lives, don't spend your time crying and being sad. Live." It is hard sometimes, but we are trying. Spending time with his young children does help tremendously, and the bittersweet aspects of being with them seems to lessen over time, or at least not be so prevalent.

Guest: So very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Matt, as well as the estrangement of your younger son, Jeremy. Do you have the care of Brandon? Such a tragic loss, and know you are in my prayers. I sometimes think that estrangement can be worse than losing someone; to know that someone you love is near and alive, but out of your life can be so painful. My sister, who recently passed away, had been estranged from one of her sons for a number of years. He came to her services--I wonder if he felt the pain of the wasted years of estrangement and if it will alter his life now to be more forgiving and loving? I pray he will "soften" now, as I pray for your relationship with your Jeremy.

to all of the other parents who have had to find their way to this site recently, we welcome you but wish so much you didn't have to be here. God bless. You are in our thoughts and prayers always.

carol MIKESMOMRS

[ericasmom]

Dear Shuugar,

I love the song by Chrissy Hynde, an old rock and roller, Stand By You. I'll stand by you, won't let anything hurt you.

How nice that he wants you to choose, what a doll.

Heartbrokendad, my thoughts to you on Matts birthday, so hard to go through the dates I know, but i still love my girl's birthday,it is just that ache takes a piece of the time, but I so adore the date of her birth. Erica's birthday was April 4th, would have been 23, died when she was 19. I am feeling different lately, something new, can't explain it really. I guess it is the length of time that Erica has been gone, I feel some new sense of longing. I think it has to do with the age of all of her friends, the lives they are leading, the excitement they share in starting new jobs, moving to new cities...While some things soften some, other aspects become a bit heavier to carry. Time is a heavy object.

Peace to all, let the spring get under your heart and help you to feel some joy.

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Shuggar, Go to the web link here

http://www.wedalert.com/songs/wedding_music_central/yours_mine_ours/index.asp

and scroll down to the song titled "The Man that You've Become"

It's slightly a classical flare, but I just love it. The lyrics are as follows:

Big wheels, hot wheels

Little trucks and cars

Skinned knees, climbing trees

Wishing on the stars

Moments may be lost somewhere in time

But the sweetest memories are never left behind

Now you’ve grown so fine

And come so far…

CHORUS

I’m so proud of who you are

The man you’ve become

Thrilled to share your deepest joy

To know you’ve found the one

For the great things you will do

I’ll be blessed ‘cause you’re my son

But I’ll always see the boy

In the man you’ve become

School days, sleep-aways

Driving all alone

Phone calls, shopping malls

Late coming home

It was hard to know when to let you spread your wings

When to let you got to face the challenges life brings

But you’ve grown so fine

And come so far…

CHORUS

Blessings and love for such a joyous occasion as this. I know it must be slightly bittersweet, but oh how wonderful. I look forward to the day when I will dance with my son Patrick at his wedding--both of us wishing Joey could be there, but he will always be in our hearts no matter where we are. Hugs! Hope you enjoy the song. Love, Claudia

[cc66512]

HI There this is Brians Mom and I know I have not been here for a long time...We have lost 4 family members in less then 10 months..The first being our Son Brian..We just had our 1st Angel Day on April 25h ...Was very had to even imagine it being a year already ,,especially when the pain is still as it was the day it happened..Joyce I am so glad to see you have been here..I also think of Darrell on a daily basis ..Our boys grew up together and we watched each others grow up...Hard to believe we have this in common also..I believe the boys would be proud of their old Moms as I believe we are handling ourselves very well. I don\\\'t want Brian to look down and shake his head ,,,I want him to be able to hold his head high and be proud of the way we handle ourselves..I would like to be half the person he was,, I am so proud to call him son,, God blessed me so when he allowed to me be his Mom .....Geri I pray fro James as welll,,,I know he watches over you...and I can just hear him as you are talking to him when you are outside ,,,so happy to hear your voice and sharing your day with him.....Brians new Grandaughter is due any day now and I know he has coached her on how to scare us and be onrey..(You know he was that way) Laughing and smiling all he time,,,never knew a stranger and was a peace maker...he always had his Arms Wide Open for alll....God Bless you all. I will pray for all of our angels . I really want to Thank Geri and Joyce for being there for me...I know I have been a pain and I also withdrew for a time....I am better now ,,ready to lift someone else up as I was lifted...Love to all

Love and Prayers

Carole

[shuugar]

Thank you both for the Great suggestions!!

[mamabets]

Hi Everybody~ First, let me apologize for not being here for so long. This board gave me hope, strength and life when my Danny left us all in June of 2004. As I have somehow journeyed on, I reached a point where I felt as if I had nothing to give here. I have frequently been on to read how all of you have been managing, but my fingers just could not type. I am doing well...Time helps, and when I say well, I mean I feel alive again. My daughter Jackie had Baby Caroline on March 13th, and this has been wonderful, no doubt. It was exactly 3 years ago, April 21-May 4th, that I was with my Danny for the last time..Our last dance, as I refer to it...He was hospitalized after an accident and we got him back on his feet...Me and my Danny. It's a long stretch now, and I feel his absence so much, yet I know where he is, and I know that he is living an existence that he at many times must have dreamed to be impossible...One full of peace and steady goose bumps. I live now, his life, for him..I continue to live his committment to this life, always loving what it has to offer. He was amazing that way..Never looked at the bad side of things. Somehow, with time, all that he stood for has taken over and filled that oozing, painful part of my heart. I cry, daily...I miss him, always. Yet, as long as there is life left in me, I now know that it is OK to live it, so I put one foot in front of the other, looking back at the last steps, continually patting myself on the heart, saying "good mama"....It feels sweet to be here right now, as I still ache for all of you that are beginning this journey. There is, and always has been, something about this"place" called Beyond Indigo, that takes us all to our kids...To their "beyond", for now and forever... I love you all and thank you for being here, still, for me. xoxoxo mamabets

[bokenhearted]

Mamabets

Nice to hear from you and I am glad to hear you are doing well.

I want to let you know that back in 2005 when I lost my son Karl on the 25th April you were one of the first people here at BI who responeded to my crys for help. So thank you very much for that. Believe me when I say that your words of encouragement then, helped me very much and now to hear that you are living your life again also gives me encouragement now. Enjoy that little grandchild of yours and God bless you and your family.

Jo

[kathy714]

Hi Betsy,i have been thinking of you,i hope all is well,how is baby Caroline doing,I miss you,i haven't been on computer to much lately and when i am it's late at night...you are always in my prayers.t/c kathy Nate's mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

For Bokenhearted~Yes, our little Caroline is a miracle blessing~ New life~~ The circle of mine, now completed. I carried life, I gave life, I lost life, and now new life. I whispered to her in my heart when I went to see them in March..." I promise you that you will not carry my load..." I assured you early on, as I had scattered moments of some peace, and I can promise it now, as the moments can even turn into days, that a certain calm can come after we fight this for so long. I think that we surrender to the fact that we know that they are in a better place. We know that our kids will never know a pain like this, never again, and we know that we will be with them again one day. It becomes a pattern of thinking, and that thinking that embrace our hearts with all of their love, at the end of each day, has carried us through it all. It sounds cliche, but you know what?? There is nothing about any of this that can even begin to compare to anything "cliche"...The word no longer has a meaning... This is our real world, unlike any other imagineable. We will join them in their world one day, and remember, they are right by our sides, and deep within our hearts, for all of eternity!! I love you!! xoxoxomamabets

[mamabets]

For Kathy714~ I pop on late at night, Kath, then try to sleep more- No sleep is the worst, and I know how to do "no sleep"!!!! I pray for all of you too, you know that!! How is John??? I love you!! xoxomamabets

[donosmom]

Mamabets I am so glad you are back! You are always such an inspiration. Even though I have been on this journey for almost 4 years your words constantly encourage me and when I start doubting that Matthew is with me you help bring me back from the pit to a place that I can feel him again. Lots of love.

Matthew's Mama Mary

11/3/79 - 7/13/2003

[mamabets]

Hi Mary~ I hope that I give you encouragemnet...I can only share this journey of mine on a day to day level, and sometimes that means to just disappear totally. Amazingly enough, we all seem to be able to somehow connect in the middle of lonely days, nights, or both..... No matter what, we know that our kids are with us, closer and in a purer form than ever before....This Beyond Indigo is a safe, kind place to be for these lost hearts of ours to find one another...Our angel kids will do the rest!!!! I love you!! xoxoxomamabets

[lwuest]

I am so sorry that we all have to be here on this board. I would like to be more help but I am just one great big wad of excrutiating pain. It doesn't go away. My son, age 33, died on 2/12/07 in a car accident. My only sister's son, age 32, died just six months before my son died. His son, age 5,died in an accident about 18 months before that.

It's so hard to go on. We know we need to, but it is such an effort. Every minute is a struggle. As you all know, people are everywhere for the first few weeks, then they must go on with their lives. We go to compassionate friends and are searching for a therapist who knows how to deal with the grief that comes from multiple deaths. I have an appointment this Friday and hope I can find some help.

How have you all dealt with going back to work? I am a horrid employee, I have always been successful in the past, but truly I just don't care right now. I will probably get fired soon but I don't care. I need to work because I can't afford not to.

Just rambling, thank you for listening.

[daveydow1]

To All here at BI,

I have been reading your posts, and am so sorry for

all who have had losses recently. I post sometimes,

but as Mamabets said---I don't seem to be able to

offer much. Guess I'm in a "slump" lately. Anyhow,

Peace to everyone here in the BI family.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mamabets]

For lwuest~ My dear, you have, without question, suffered the worst kind of multiple loss possible~ Know that there is help for this, and that you can, and will, get a tremendous amount of support right here at Beyond Indogo. As I have heard so many times before my 25 year old son Danny departed for the Heavens in June of 2004,..."Everyday, grief puts on a different face". And, it does. You are expected to be a wad of pain for however long it takes for you to feel like and be one. Please, do not try to rush this process, just stick close to all of the people in your life that are right by your side. There will always be someone here on this board, and when you might need to just come and read, that too, is OK. I have been doing it for months...Just reading. You are free to be you, you have endured life\'s greatest cruelty, yet many need you still. Know that your angels are with you always and forever, and please, keep coming back.I love you and admire your strength and courage to reach out to us here. xoxoxomamabets

[TylersMama]

Shuggar...... Hello, I don't normally post on this thread as my son that I lost was 3 years old in 2000, but I do read in here sometimes. Anyways, I'd seen where you were looking for a song for your son's wedding. My oldest son is getting married on June 2nd and I found a beautiful song that I ordered online for our Mother/Son dance..... you can visit their website at : www.new-wedding-traditions.com and click on the song to listen to it called "A Song For My Son"..... they had the cd to me in 5 days after I ordered it.... it is a perfect song for us......

A Song For My Son

I don't know where

The time has gone

Since those little boy days

Doesn't seem that long

Yet here you are

It's your wedding day

And there's one thing darling

I'd like to say

(Chorus)

Be kind, be sweet

Be a gentle man

Care and share

And always be fair

And remember though you now

Have taken a wife

You will always be my son

My Loving Son

You filled my life

With so much joy

As I watched you grow

From that little boy

Now I'll try not to cry

As you walk away

And just once more darling

I'd like to say...

(Repeat Chorus)

[angels4me]

Dearest Lwuest,

I read your message below, and believe me I can fell every ounce of pain that fills your heart.

I understand the mountain of pain that fills our heart when dealing with multiple losses. I lost my 31 year old niece Tina 13 months after the death of my mom, and just 2 months after losing Tina my dad passed away at home while my sister (Tina's mom) was at work.

I know that any type of loss that we face is difficult, but it's the loss of a child, no matter what age, that's the worse pain in the world. I had lost my first son prematurely many years eariler, so I could understand the pain that she was dealing with, but having lost both our parents so close to losing Tina just compounded our pain and sorrow.

Just like you I was in such a deep depression, I didn't want to go on with life, but I know that I had a family that needed and loved me. I was encouraged to seek out both medical and professional help. I was blessed to find a wonderful Therapist who was trained in grief, loss, especially in infant loss and stillbirth. I've been seeing her for many years now, and even today, she's still there to talk to when things start to get worse for me.

I hope and pray that you are able to find someone who is able to help you through this difficult time. I would encourage you to come here at talk with the other mothers whos hearts have been shattered. If you'd like to talk to me privately, please feel free to e-mail me. My address is listed in my profile. Until then please know that you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I just wish I could give you a huge hug in person, but since I can't please accept this special cyber hug from me. ((((Lwuest))))

Love & Prayers,

Peggy & angel Alex.

In Loving Memory

Alexander 10-24-84

Mom 11-12-99

Tina 12-04-00

Dad 02-28-01

[4everjoeysmom]

Does anyone else feel like I do? It's so hard to be stuck at Joey being forever 24! While I think about what he would be doing today, I watch his friends move on. I know they loved him and miss him, but life goes on--growing up, graduating from college, finding careers, getting married, having kids... and here I am missing my son who I will never get to experience these things with. Just a few minutes ago I was looking over some of his facebook friends and discovered his girlfriend at the time must have a new love, because she looks happy in her photo with him. (Sigh) I mean, I'm happy for her--wondered why I hadn't heard from her in a few months--guess now I know. Just makes me sad... I'm stuck and everyone else is moving on. I know I probably sound silly, but how am I not supposed to be sad in moments like these? Ugh...

[messenger]

DEAR CAROLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU ARE SO KIND..AND YOU,,MY DEAR COULD NEVER BE A PAIN TO ANYONE..........................YOU ARE A MOM..HURTING...LIKE ALL OF US AND DONT YOU EVER EVER THINK!! YOU ARE A PAIN...OK??

I JUST HAPPENED TO CLICK ON ..BEEN A WHILE..CANT REMEMBER HOW LONG ..BUT GOOD TO HEAR FAMILIAR PEOPLE ON HERE I HAVE NOT HEARD FROM FOR A LONG TIME...

HI TO ALL AND MAY WE ALL CONTINUE TO BE AN ENCOURAGEMENT TO EACH OTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!

GOD BLESS AND MAY OUR KIDS WATCH OVER US..LOVE GERI.....JAMES MOM

[mikesmum]

4everjoeysmom - you are not alone. It is part of the missing. Mike's brother Steven turned 29 3 weeks after his brothers death. He told me he didn't want the family thing, it didn't feel right celebrating his birthday while Micheal would never have another one. It hit me like an iceberg. While Steven and Melissa (their sister) would move forward with their lives, Micheal would always be 31, youthful looking with a wicked smile.

Recently I went to a rememberance service for soldiers lost in battle. It is held at dawn. As the sun rises a lone voice says "Age shall not weary them,

nor shall they grow old; at sunset and in early morn we will remember them".I burst into tears when I heard this. I have heard it ever since I was a young child but it meant more this year. Mike will not grown old, but my thoughts of him are strongest early in the morning and last thing at night. I miss him each minute of each day. In many ways I am glad his friends and family have moved on. Helps me to daydream what it might have been like if he had stayed.

Blessed be to all who stop by.

[Guest Guest]

Hello, I came across this site while I was looking for people who have gone through the death of their child or children like I have. I lost my daughter Pamela April 2,1979 she was 5 to cardiac arrest and thought I had gone through the worst time in my life but on April 7th 2004 I lost my first born Philip 32 to melanoma. Even though it has been 28yrs for Pamie the pain is still with me but not as strong as it is with Philip. I am having a harder time with his death. I never in a million years ever thought I would loose both my children. The month of April is the worst time of the year for me and now I face Mother's Day, one I am not looking forward to. I was on a site a year ago and they wrote me an e-mail and said if I wanted to continue I could not bring up God or talk about anything Gos has done in my life. I found this to be very disturbing because it is God than is helping me fine peace with all of this that I am have trouble understand about. I have been serching for people like me who are having trouble moving on and can't seem to shake the down fellings. I have found some people and family want you to move on faster than possible and just don't want to hear about the pain of Philip's death I am going through, just because it has been three years doesn't mean it doesn't hurt still. Thanks for letting me get this out, I just needed someone to talk to...joceill

[4everjoeysmom]

MikesMum, I completely understand how Steven felt. I experienced the same thing with my son Patrick, one year Joey's junior. His birthday is three days after Joey's, and Joey died one week before he would have turned 24. So Patrick didn't have it in his broken heart to celebrate. They always did something to celebrate together, even if it was just a special dinner with the family as they got older and made different lives with their friends and girlfriends, etc. It was so painfully strange to have that "first" so very soon after the loss. We were still in shock and disbelief, so I am beginning to feel like this year when August and their birthdays some, it may feel like a first because we actually can feel something now besides numbness. One of the things that had me so sad last night after seeing the pic of Joey's girlfreind with her new beau was that last Easter (end of April) we all went out to dinner--9 of us, my sons, their grilfriends and a few other close friends. After dinner, before getting in the car, Joey's girlfriend took some photos--one of me and Joey, the LAST photo of us ever taken together. I have been waiting for a year now to get a copy, and with the passing time I become more sad in knowing it exists or existed, and I don't have it. I've begged her literally to get a copy for me--it's apparently on her friend's computer, stored at that friend's parents, blah blah blah... I'm still hoping and praying it will come to me one day. I e-mailed her last night (again) after not hearing from her in 3 months, and she responded saying she understands and will try hard to get it. We'll see... Isn't it horrible how something like that scenario can just take over your heart?! I am stuck forever in my mind in that last night that I saw Joey alive. I came to Ecuador the following week for my mission work, and Joey died before I returned to visit home. I am stuck on that last moment, that last photo... ugh!

Joceill, Wecome to BI. I am so sorry for your loss and pain--the reason you are here. I am grateful to have found BI many months ago, after I lost my son in July. And I am grateful to have had the freedom here to share my faith in my grief journey, because like you, my faith is the only strength that has gotten me through this to where I am today. I have had a lot of support and compassion from people here. But I give every ounce of credit and glory for that to God, because I know He is the one that led me here. I have connected with many people of faith here, and many who have different beliefs as well. At first it was more difficult for me to be "open" and understanding with different ideas and views, because I believe what I believe unwavering...BUT...I am learning that EVERYONE here shares a common thread, the loss of a child. And on other threads of BI, the loss of someone very close and special. We CAN and DO offer support and compassion despite our differences in viewpoints abd that is comforting. I have learned (kind of the hard way) that if I don;t believe in something said, to keep myself silent as to not offend or hurt anyone unneccessarily, pray for their situation, or share what I commonly feel with gentleness and respect. I am grateful for BI, that the web masters allow us to share our faith through our giref journey, because it is an integral part of who we are and how we cope, and others have benefited by what is shared. Just so long as we focus on how we can "help" and not offend or hinder someone else's heart and healing, it's been a very healthy experience.

As for me, I cling to the hope in knowing I will see my son again in Heaven. I dread mother's day this year--another first. I am in pain, but not without guidance from the Lord, and that is my source of greatest comfort. I am at 9 months now, and I miss Joey so much, I carry a constant and very deep ache in my heart. No amount of faith can disguise that ache, but I pray always that in some way i can reach out and help someone else going through this pain. It helps me to help others. You can e-mail me personally if you like, because sometimes it's better that way when sharing deep matters of faith. But please know you are not alone, and that we are here to journey with you. That's a saving grace!! Lots of love, Claudia

[peacefulnow]

Hello to Everyone. Welcome newcomers, I’m so very sorry you are in a position that “qualifies” you to be here.

Just the other day, I received an email from a wonderful woman who helped me so much to prepare for my sons inevitable death from cancer. She had lost her daughter (cancer also) a few years before I lost my son, Ian. She knew much of what I was going through and offered me emotional support during a very rough time, in which I helplessly watched Ian suffer tremendous pain and struggle with his own impending death. On March 20th, 2007 her only surviving child, her 22-year-old son, was killed. I just cried and cried, my heart aching for her. That she should have to endure the pain of losing another child all over again is just too much.

I am trying to offer my support to her this time, trying to be the “strong” one who helps her through this awful time. But, you know, it made me realize how much I don’t know. I know enough to listen, not to say any of the hollow platitudes that so offended me, to tell her I understand some of the pain she is dealing with, etc. But, really, I am clueless. I went through my own son’s death, but I have no idea how I survived those first days and months and I don’t know how I am still surviving almost 16 months later. I feel like I should be full of wisdom and insight, but I feel none of that. I just struggle along day-by-day praying for the strength I need to continue on with my life and responsibilities. I have no insight, no magic, no secret weapon that assures me I will be able to continue on without any struggle. As soon as I think that maybe I’m going to be all right, that maybe the worst is over, that maybe the healing has begun….bam….I’m knocked right back to square one. It’s been a very humbling journey.

I’m kind of going on and on here. Sorry, I just feel so frustrated not being able to get a handle on comforting and helping someone who really needs it. I should know all this stuff…but I don’t.

Peace and serenity to all of you.

Cindy (Ian 10/12/76 – 01/06/ 06)

[4everjoeysmom]

Oh Cindy... I am so very sorry... I am crying as I read your email and just cannot even imagine the loss of another child. I have one surviving son, and I just don;t even know if my heart could take another beat of I lost him too. Like you, I am dumbfounded. Losing a child has not made me an expert on the topic by far. It's only made me different. Humbled is a good word. Contrite may be another. Changed forvere, definitely. I do feel I am able to express more mercy and compassion than I did before, even though I've never been one to walk away from anyone who needed to talk about a problem of any kind. Maybe that's all we have to offer--no magic, no right words--just ourselves and the promise to never abandon a friend in need, even if it's just to let her cry on our shoulder in person or on the phone. Lord knows I've needed that from time to time. We can't say we know exactly what the heart of another feels, but we certainly can empathize with that kind of pain. And often that's the best thing we can do..just let our friend be "real" in our company. We all know too well how easy it is for people to turn away from pain and uncomfortable circumstances. And though we may not be able to offer the appropriate words at the right time, we can offer everything we have--ourselves, our hearts, and our abiding firendship in love. In its own way, that alone is magical. I pray you are able to give your friend the love and support needed that will bring you both indescribable "magic" along the journey. I am so sorry... Hugs, Claudia

[shuugar]

Claudia

I think of the growing older topic all the time. I have a older son who is turning 40 this year and a daughter who turned 30 in Dec 2006. My James was 35 when he died Apr. 2006. He did marry and had 2 children. Now those children are without a father and that breaks my heart. He's not hear to see" them" grow older at least not in the mortal sense. I have tried at times to think of how he would have looked in his 40's or 50's even though it hasn't been that long.

We have all joked in the past ( at least my family has ) of the dreaded next birthday. "OMG we're getting so old". I use to joke and tell them that they were older than me now. It's all different now.

I don't want to hear that my oldest son is moody because he's turning 40 or my daughter thinking she's getting so old having just turned 30, yet I know that when I was there I felt the same way. It's all different now.

I know they miss their brother and I know there is an awkwardness they feel about time as they age. It's all different now.

Time doe's keep moving on. I know that on my last birthday the feelings were not of getting older but that I shouldn't be if he's not. Everything's different now

[4everjoeysmom]

Shuugar, The theme of your message, "EVERYTHING is Different Now", that truly sums it up. Doesn't it? We go on because that's what we have to do. We celebrate as best we can with everyone else who has a special day because we must. We love them too. We age, but our hearts seem to stay in that place where it was forever changed in one moment from a full spirited naiivte to a reality that made time seem to stop, and when the clock began to tick again nothing looked the same, or ever will again. I am not despairing over it, but it has become my reality--our reality, and somehow we pick ourselves up. We look back and see our old skin, but even if we put it back on it would feel like a peeled skin and no longer worth wearing. Our new skin is unfamiliar and uncomfortable, as someone else here at BI said. Yet we must learn to live in it for the sake of carrying ourselves further in the legacies of our children--because when we're gone, who will talk of them and share the love they brought to this life as much and as often as we do? I believe the love our kids came and gave enhanced our lives in such a way that as long as we live that love will still fill the earth, and even more so because we spread it farther and faster and stronger and more passionately than ever before. YES! EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW. Hugs to you Shuugar. -Claudia

[mikesmum]

Last Christmas all of my kids were together at home with their partners. Mike went around videoing madly. Footage of is new niece, daughter, nephews. He died Jan 18th. Since he died his partner has the same problem with letting us have the footage. 'its on the computer and a friend is copying it'. 'my computer isn't working I'll try later' To quote - blah blah blah blah. Mike was my eldest. He was the solid,earthbound one. The sensible one. The less adventurous child. But now the world has turned. I took myself out of town overnight this week. Left the car home. Once back I had to wait for the bus and decided to let my youngest son know I was back. It was raining pretty hard and had begun to get cold and dark. It was like I was the child and he was the parent. "stay there I will come get you. What were you thinking, its dark out here, anything could happen". De Ja Vu! This was my space cadet. The one made of titanium. Tried everything with never a thought to his mortality. Now the concerned adult. He misses Mike more than he can stand. He cries each day for what they had and what they could have had. But if Mike could see Steven in this responsible role he would be so proud. He probably would say it was about time.......This is our year of firsts. Mothers Day will be hard, I lost my mum 2yrs ago this week. But to see how my son and daughter are growing and learning from Mikes death gives me that warmth somewhere deep inside. I miss him so much but believe he is looking over my shoulder as I type wanting me to know it really is okay. Blessed be BI for allowing each and everyone of us the freedom to express, to doubt, to question and to just be - Trudi

[cc66512]

Hi all...saddens me so to see all the new ones here..I will keep you all in my Prayers..This has nothing to do with with our posts on our losses...Geri ..who has been in here for quite awhile ..she is James Mother...she is going thru alot right now and needs extra prayers...I hope yoou willl add her to your Prayers..Thank You all in advance

Carole(Brians Mom)

[cc66512]

Last Christmas all of my kids were together at home with their partners. Mike went around videoing madly. Footage of is new niece, daughter, nephews. He died Jan 18th. Since he died his partner has the same problem with letting us have the footage. 'its on the computer and a friend is copying it'. 'my computer isn't working I'll try later' To quote - blah blah blah blah. Mike was my eldest. He was the solid,earthbound one. The sensible one. The less adventurous child. But now the world has turned. I took myself out of town overnight this week. Left the car home. Once back I had to wait for the bus and decided to let my youngest son know I was back. It was raining pretty hard and had begun to get cold and dark. It was like I was the child and he was the parent. "stay there I will come get you. What were you thinking, its dark out here, anything could happen". De Ja Vu! This was my space cadet. The one made of titanium. Tried everything with never a thought to his mortality. Now the concerned adult. He misses Mike more than he can stand. He cries each day for what they had and what they could have had. But if Mike could see Steven in this responsible role he would be so proud. He probably would say it was about time.......This is our year of firsts. Mothers Day will be hard, I lost my mum 2yrs ago this week. But to see how my son and daughter are growing and learning from Mikes death gives me that warmth somewhere deep inside. I miss him so much but believe he is looking over my shoulder as I type wanting me to know it really is okay. Blessed be BI for allowing each and everyone of us the freedom to express, to doubt, to question and to just be - Trudi

[cc66512]

I am sorry I was trying to post to Trudi and I guess I hit the wrong button.So here goes...

Trudi,,,We have just finished our year of firsts..I know exactly how you feel..I can tell you it will get better,,would you believe me...No ..Not at this point...You will never not miss him or long to hea his sweet voice..see his silly smile ..But know in your heart you will see him again...I wrote a poem for my son ...he had his 1st Angel Day April 25th.....here it is...

Heartache

Love and Tears go hand in hand

Hearts Joys turn to Heartbreak

Hearts fill with Pride and Joy

Turns to empty ness and longing

To be filled again with all things we miss

The Love and Caring

The smiles and Hugs

The sweet sound of his Voice and Laughter

To be left behind is the worse of all

To feel alone when you are not at all

You laugh and cry

You beg and scream

Dear God

Please make our Family whole again

In time you come to realize that to shall be

For now we see its not to be in our time and

We can rest until we finally see and understand

That Gods time is best

I hope this helps you..You can e-mail me if you like

Cc66512@sbcglobal.net

God Bless you all

Carole

[45chrisbsmom]

Your poem is so true, I am worried about Mothers Day this year. I lost my youngest so Chris last Sept 5 he died in a car accident, on a sunny afternoon, they determined he fell asleep crossed the center line and hit an oncoming truck hauling a trailer of desiel barrels. I feel God granted him a peaceful death in that it was quick, on a quiet country road in a beautiful valley he loved. The accident happened across the road from a country church and the minister was working in his yard, so he was the first one on the scence. He told me he sensed Chris was dead when he got over to his vehicle,so he prayed for him before helping the other driver. The minister told me his own son had died almost a year to the day before Chris.

[45chrisbsmom]

This has been a comfort to me,but everyday without my beautiful son is sad. this year Mothers day falls on May 13th, 23 years ago mothers Day was also on May 13th, my father died that day after spending 6weeks in the hospital sufering the effects of what would be a fatal heart attack. My Dad had the heart attack 3 weeks after my precious Chris was born. So this year will be 23 years since I lost my father and the 1st Mothers day with out my son Chris. I feel I would like to spend the day with my memories, But my Mother is expecting me to visit and celebrate. I just don't think I can do that.

[mikesmum]

All, thank you for you sharing your memories of you child, the tears, tinged with the memories. Our Coroners report came thru on Thurs. The Coroner spoke softly of the findings. Essentially, Mike slipped into unconsciousness and his breathing was depressed by the large dose of medications found in his system. He died quietly and peacefully in his sleep. Police are now interviewing his partner as her version was he sat upright struggled to breath and collapsed. Never happened, never could have.

As for mothers day,I suggest to my kids that we have a feel good memory day. Photo's stories anecdotes about their Granma (gone 2yrs) and their brother. A time to share each others memories, good and not so good. No more if only's or what if's on that day. The police can handle that now. I will miss my Granddaughter, Mikes child. Her mum has cut ties with us completely.

I will no doubt continue on this site through this week. I truly gives me strengths and allows me to speak without minding too much what I say and its effects.

Blessed be.

[mikesmum]

Discussion: Loss of an Adult Child

Started on by Kirksdad

Mikesmum

May-5-2007 6:14 PM et

All, thank you for you sharing your memories of you child, the tears, tinged with the memories. Our Coroners report came thru on Thurs. The Coroner spoke softly of the findings. Essentially, Mike slipped into unconsciousness and his breathing was depressed by the large dose of medications found in his system. He died quietly and peacefully in his sleep. Police are now interviewing his partner as her version was he sat upright struggled to breath and collapsed. Never happened, never could have.

As for mothers day,I suggest to my kids that we have a feel good memory day. Photo's stories anecdotes about their Granma (gone 2yrs) and their brother. A time to share each others memories, good and not so good. No more if only's or what if's on that day. The police can handle that now. I will miss my Granddaughter, Mikes child. Her mum has cut ties with us completely.

I will no doubt continue on this site through this week. I truly gives me strengths and allows me to speak without minding too much what I say and its effects.

Blessed be.

45chrisbsmom - Just a thought. I know you don't think you can visit with your mum on Mothers Day. I don't know how close you are to her. But one thing I have learnt in the past months is to set the boundaries as to how much I can do, tolerate. I have also learnt that sometimes families need to just be with each other and acknowledge each others loss. Your Mum lost a husband and a grandchild, if you don't see her she may think she as indirectly lost a daughter too. Wisdom gained from living isolated from my husband, then someone turned on a light and he was grieving isolated too.

Blessed be.

[cc66512]

Please don't let yourself be alone without Family on Mothers Day...Last year for me was the 1st and I was so raw as Brian had been gone not quite 3 weeks..My family rallied together and came to the house and I know it was so hard for them also as Brian was the oldest son, the big brother ...So sad when they are cut down in their youth...Youth to me now is alot older then it was when I was way younger....YOU do expect to bury your Mother and Father...Never your child....It is absolutely undescribable.....I have had a rough time as I know you have tooo,,,But by the grace of God and Family and friends..I have survied..Not that I wanted to ...But I do know where he is and I do know he is waiting for me,,and I do know his Arms are Wide opento embrace me when I get there.....You have to have faith that you will see and be with him again,,in Gods time......You are in mY Prayers and don't forget,,,you can e-mail me anytime and I will call you and talk to you any time you need it ...Cc66512@sbcglobal.net

Love & Prayers to alll

Carole

[mamabets]

For All~ Just think...All of these sad stories...Death, lost, fear, on and on...I do carry with me always that my Danny can not even relate to pain and loss, lies and deciet, you name it, ever again. Life is so cruel, while it is most definately decorated with much beauty, it will be but a blink until our eternity becomes one with our angel children. Just like they know FOR CERTAIN now, this place of loneliness doesn't last forever. I think that life does the best that it can for those of us that walk His walk right. There is no silver lining here, but maybe we have to do this, in order to feel that peace in knowing where and how our sweet kids are. At least for me, it works that way. Danny's signs are all around. When our time comes, it will come with a glorious welcoming committee from all of our angels , and they really are not that far removed from here until then- I know, I have many scrapbooks put together from the gifts that Danny has given to us since his departure. To die, is to then go on to live like never before.I can only imagine.....I love you all. Keep the faith and reach out whenever you feel the need to. xoxoxomamabets

[45chrisbsmom]

Thank you all for your coments. My Mom and I are usually close, but she doesn't seem to understand the depth of my loss. When I actually write this I sound so selfish, but I have always been a giving person, considerate of others fellings, and quick to help especially my family members, but since loosing Chris, I have become resentful of other demand on my time although I rarely get much accomplished I just feel better when I'm at home. I do work, I'm a dental hygienist in a busy office that I have worked at for more than 20 years. Many of the patients I consider friends, they know my boys and have heard stories of their adventures for years, not every one knows of Chris's death so at least 5 or 6 times a week I end up explaining it to them. Every one is supportive, but sometimes it is just too much. I know there is no easy way through grief, but after a week at work I feel I need the weekend at home to recoup. I try to help my mom but sometimes she seem to needy. I hate to sound like a complainer, I just hope some of you with similar experiences can give me suggestions. thank you for listening, Lynn Chris's Mom

[Guest Guest]

Young E-Published writer who has lost mother, father, pets, friends, children and many significant others is putting the finishing touches on a table book which captures the humorous and sometimes inappropriate remarks that children and adults make when choosing what to say to someone who has suffered the loss of a Parent, Spouse, Lover, Friendship, Pet, Child or Business Partnership is seeking your contribution today.

These stories are not exclusive to death as loss can include those who have moved away from us either physically or emotionally. We are NOT seeking stories relating to the loss of jobs, homes or other personal property.

Painful memories when shared in a safe environment can often be soul healers so we hope you'll take the time to share with our understanding group.

When replying, please include your first name, age and the subject of the loss on the subject line:

i.e. LOSS OF PARENT or LOSS OF CHILD, etc.

Please fill out a survey here:

http://www.zoomerang.com/survey.zgi?p=WEB226E49J9JZG

-OR-

Send your responses to:

tablebook2007@yahoo.com

-OR-

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/tablebook2007/

Many thanks,

[mommabert]

tommorow (may 8) the day my world was turned upside down. it has been one hard year. it seams like yesterday. i miss him so much. i wish he would call and tell me he is alright. thank god and everyone here i have made it this far. mommbert

[lwuest]

Mommabert,

My prayers go out to you on this very difficult day. I pray the light of your son's love will shine down on you. Hugs from one mom to another.

[wadesmom]

mommabert,

Thinking & praying for you, sending you comfort and support.

Wadesmom

[mikesmum]

Mommabert - You have lived your through you year of 1st's. I thought I was nuts still waiting for Mike to ring and tell me he's okay, not to worry. I send you light to wrap your aching heart, warmth to keep your soul alive and the strength in remembering the son you loved and lost. I have posted this on another area of this site, but hopefully you might get some comfort from the words. Blessed be to you and yours on the day the sent you in a direction you never thought you'd take. - Trudi

You can shed tears that he is gone,

Or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,

Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him

Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,

Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone

Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,

You can cry and close your mind be empty and turn your back,

Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes love and go on.

From one mum only 4 months into her year of firsts

[4everjoeysmom]

Mommabert, YOU are in my thoughts and prayers today. I have a little less than 3 months to go to get to that 1 year point, and still it just seems so foreign to me, like it's someone else...not me, not Joey...

Last night I was part of a group of mother's who received an e-mail forward (from my mother in law) that contained a beautiful Mother's Day salutation. In it were quotes, and then comments that the mother who quoted the verse "obviously never..."... A couple of the verses had to do with grown children, a son or daughter in law, grandchildren, etc. I was crushed. I thought to myself, "The mother who wrote this obviously didn't lose her son and will not know the joy of his marriage, a new daughter gained, and beautiful grandkids." "The mother in law who sent this obviously forgot that this is my FIRST Mother's Day upon losing my son, and perhaps this particular card may not be the most appropriate way to greet me." Every mother on the list that she sent in too has no idea what a Mother's Day with very mixed emotions and pain feels like. A simple I am thinking of you this Mother's Day would have done. How is it that people can be so clueless??

I have my wonderful son Patrick, who I am so blessed and grateful to have. And even though Joey isn't here I am still his mom. I always will be that vessel that bore him and raised him and loved him unconditionally. So I don't despise Mother's Day at all. It's just that the day, especially this year, is unbelievable tender and sensitive to me. For one, I will not hear Joey's voice on that day telling me he loves me and he's thankful I am his mom--as he usually did. And while I will hear Patrick's voice, it will feel different and strange for both of us on that day, because the significance has forever changed. A son is absent... A mother is grieving...

To ALL Moms: I pray for each and every one of us that on Mother's Day this year, many of us our firsts without our lost beloved child and for others a continuation of missing, that we can feel wrapped in the deep mother-child love/bond that lives in our hearts. Though I miss my son, I also know that Mother's day would not bear the significance it carries for me today had Joey not been born into my life. He was my firstborn. He was my introduction to motherhood. He taught me how to love unconditionally. He gave me powerful love in return. He was my heart, my beautiful baby boy. He made my very first Mother's Day!!!!! God bless us all and lift us to love and beautiful memories through our tears and broken hearts. To US ALL, Blessings of peace, comfort and love this Mother's Day.

[ashleysmom]

Mommabert, May you have peace today, Love, Dottie