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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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4everjoeysmom

It's the missing someone so special in every little detail of ongoing life... It's so hard... Eating pizza tonight and ponderingover the hour long great conversation I had with my son Patrick last night, and wishing so much that I could call Joey... tears and memories and love that just goes on and on, trying to fins its way to my Joey, my heart... I love you Joey, Mom.

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4everjoeysmom

Kathy, I too am sorry you and your husband have this new challenge to face. I pray that you find comfort in each other, and that there can be healing for your husband. Hugs, Claudia

Shuugar, I know what you mean about the bewilderment. My Joey's one year will be coming in July, and for today it still just seems so surreal to me. He was just here it seems... His life plays over and over and over in my mind, in my heart. So young, so full of life, and it's the only way I can imagine him--so full of life...somewhere else--not here. And I miss him s much. I know how much you miss James... I'm so sorry we all have to live on like this, missing our babies, our children, our hearts. Blessings to all, Claudia

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Dear Deewithgreeneyes,

I received your e-mail at Angelsglow@aol.com. When I tried to reply to you, my e-mail kept getting returned back to me, Hon. I don't know why?

If you would like to contact me through my message board, I would be happy to talk to you there. Just go to:http://members2.boardhost.com/adcfriends/

There is much I would like to say to you that may help you. Please know you are in my prayers.

God bless you, dear.

In Christ's Love,

Christine Duminiak

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Kathy: My prayers are with you and your husband as you both face this new battle...all of us here on this board send strength to you through our prayers and thoughts. I am also dealing with a crisis with my husband, as his COPD worsens--it is so awful to watch him struggle to just breathe, as I understand your pain in watching your husband, as we did with our son, struggling with cancer. I know how exhausting it is to try to come up with the emotional and physical strength we need to meet these horrific challenges. I pray for healing for our husbands...and for us, to be able to meet these challenges.

love to all, Carol MIKESMOMRS

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bokenhearted

Kathy & Carol.

I am so sorry for both of you having to face the uphill battle with your husbands illnesses. I am praying for you all. Life just seems so unfair at times and you do wonder what the rhyme or reason is for all that is thrown at us. I send you all love and strength by the power of prayer.

Take care of yourselves too

Love & Hugs

Jo

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bokenhearted

Hi Dottie

I tried to email you at badabil@hotmail.com but it keeps coming back to me. Is this your current email or have you changed it. If so could you email me at jorosey@hotmail.com and I will send my email to you.

I just wanted to say thanks for your reply to me and tell you that I am feeling for your loss of Ashley and please know I will be with you in spirit on her 21st birthday.

Hugs

Jo

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I recently lost my 24 year old son on January 13, 2007 from bacterial pneumonia. He lived in a different state than me and I was going to be visiting him this June with my youngest daughter.

I am totally devastated and having a hard time dealing with his death. I only leave my house to go to work or to the store. I cry alot and wish I could be with him.

Can someone tell me how to cope with his loss?

Thank you.

Sandra

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Sandra, My name is Claudia, and I lost my son Joey last July 31st, one week before he would have turned 24. My loss has been devastating. But when I read your post I ached so much remembering too that I Joey lived elsewhere than where I do. The guilt that plagued me was terrible, that I wasn't in closer proximity to Joey, that I didn't get to see him "one more time", that I was so far away and so helpless. I am so, so very sorry for your loss and the deep pain that you carry now. Yesterday was eight months for me. You haven't quite come to three, and I remember at 3 months I was a mess. Grief is a hard journey, and we all go through the various stages differently and for varied lengths of time. Some stages even repeat, as I have been learning first hand. But I can honestly say that I have also learned I don;t have to make this journey feeling so isolated and alone. I've met so many wonderful people on this web board that have suffered the loss of their child. And somehow we muddle through. I'll be here for you, as will many others, so that you can vent, share, hope, and travel with friends. I've learned along the way, also like so many here, that friends I had are more far off now for whatever reason, and new friends I've made here are beyond the kid of friendships I ever expected. Keep coming to BI, and post as often as you need and want to. The great thing about being here is that no one expects us to "get on with it", and we can talk about our precious children as much as we want to and no one finds it tiring. I'm sorry you have to be here, but glad you found your way to BI. I hope to hear from you again soon. Please know that I truly care and I know exactly what you are feeling. I am praying for you. Love, Claudia

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bokenhearted

Hello Sandra

I am so very sorry that you have lost your precious son. I too lost my son just going on 2 years ago. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug. As I can't physically do that just know I am mentally sending you that hug. I wish I could ease your pain but the days ahead will be rough but later down the track you will have lighter days. I know that is hard to believe but it will happen. But for now you do whatever it takes to get you through each day. Just remember to not be too hard on yourself as your lovely son would not want that. I am glad you have managed to find Beyond Indigo as the people here are the best. I like to believe that my son steered me to this message board because I have no idea how I found it in the first place but it has helped me beyond belief. I hope it does the same for you. You asked if anyone could tell you how to cope with this. All I can say is we all cope in different ways but I found that just talking about Karl to good friends and here helps. Also just allowing and accepting the bad days to happen even if you feel like you may never stop crying. I know that after crying so much it does lighten the load for awhile. But most importantly try to do some sort of physical activity each day even if it is just a small walk in the fresh air. Try to do something nice just for you too, whatever gives you some small amount of pleasure. My treat occassionally is a massage which helps me to relax. I also like to read as I can loose myself in a book which gives my mind a break from all the grief, be it momentarily it is a break. Sandra just know there are no rules and no one here will judge you but we will be here for you 100%.

You take care

Jo

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Dear Sandra ~ I am so sorry for the recent loss of your beloved son. It always breaks my heart to see another new person just starting out on this long and difficult journey. I lost my daughter, Lori, almost 3 years ago. Beyond Indigo has been a great source of comfort for me and I'm glad that you found your way to this wonderful site. The pain that you are now feeling will not always be as intense as it is right now. The grief will soften in time. One of the things that might help you to cope is to write in a journal to your son. I started writing to Lori about a week after her accident and I still write to her from time to time. My heart is with you and I hope you will continue to stay with us. It's been quite a while since I've posted, but I do read everyday and am thankful for everyone who shares their stories. My thoughts are with all of you. Patty

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Dear Sandra: I am so deeply sorry to hear of the loss of your precious son. I lost my 29 yr old daughter, Pippa, and my 4 year old grandson, Kieran, on Oct 22, 2006 in a car accident and I don't know what I would have done without my friends here at BI. It is truly the most difficult journey of our lives, and I've found that this grief does spiral. Just when you think you're getting a handle on things, something triggers you and it's right back to the beginning again. Nothing will ever make this loss 'right' but already I'm starting to see that with time, the pain softens but as it's still early days for me, the pain can also still be excruciating at times. Patty, Jo and Claudia have given you some excellent advice and that's something that you will find very valuable about visiting us here at BI. Other parents who are going through the devastating experience of losing a beloved child, and hopefully you will identify with some of the unpleasant issues and this will help you understand that you are not alone and that you're not going 'crazy'. You need support and understanding and be very gentle with yourself. If you need to vent, scream, cry, noone has the right to tell you not to! I've found reading volumes on grief very helpful. I know I have to 'force' myself to go through the motions at times but once I've achieved some small task in the day, I try to console myself by acknowleding that, wow, I actually accomplished doing the laundry, or doing some work in the garden. I'm also working constantly on setting up a memorial website for my babies. I find going over every detail of their short lives, although very sad at times, to be therapeutic as well. It gives me an excuse to spend many hours with them and I also have the satisfaction of knowing I'm doing something to honor them.

My heart is with you Sandra and please feel free to express your thoughts and feelings with us because noone here will judge you in any way. We've all been there!

My heart is with all my dear friends here. Sorry I've not been posting lately but you're always in my thoughts.

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

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Dear Sandra,

I know, as do all the others here, how devestated you are right now.My heart is aching for you as you start this journey. Your son's death is the ultimate loss. It is still very recent and the myriad of emotions and thoughts can be baffling. There are no words that can make any of this better, only our words which we all hope can assist you, to let you know that what you are feeling is normal for what has taken place. When we lose our babies, we go into shock which protects us for a short time, and then the shock begins to peel away. What is underneath is the raw facts of our children leaving. We all have grieved and continue to grieve in our own ways but we are linked by some of the commonalities of loss. One thing we all know, we need to go through the pain, there is no going around it. There are going to be times when one minute seems to take forever, and there are going to be days when you may feel like leaving this place as well...please don't. Stay put, allow your pain so that you honor your heart and your soul and spirit. Your boy would probably want you to live your best life for yourself, for his siblings, and for him. My daughter, Erica, left, (hit by a train)in July of 2003. Wednesday will be her 23 rd birthday and our 4th without her here. I shall always wish she could be here, that I could hold her hands, see her pretty self, I will always wonder if she would have had children, would she have...but now what I do know in my heart is that Erica lived a good and full life even though it was far shorter than most, she lived it fully and she was fully loved.She will always be fully loved.

Sandra, reach out if you are able to get some help with a therapist if you feel it would benefit you, or in a group. There are amillion good books out ther as well, and sometimes just affirming that what you are feeling is that which most grieving parents feel is helpful. Go for walks, drink lots of water, and keep up with your vitamins because this grief thing takes a great deal out of you, it is exhausting, it is draining. Talk to your doctor too, and your boss and see if you can have some extra time to help you through this first few months. My thoughts, my proayers, my hope is with you.

Dee

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Sandra

I can honestly say that I don't remember how I found bi and I rarely post but, I try

to read others posts and I found that someone inevitably says and feels things that I am going through. There seems to be a kinship of emotions here that all can relate to. There is a difference of our personal relationships with our higher powers and that's OK. That's true to life

I think crying is coping, hurting is coping, just getting out of bed is coping. This is a wound that will never heal.

I, like many others have made a memorial site for my son. Something no one wants to do but, when there's nothing you can do , it can be somewhat cathartic.

My son will be gone 1 year on April 20th. I don't know why but. this date is hanging over my head like an anvil. I guess it's because we (as humans) always put an anniversary on our special occasions. Special occasions are suppose to be happy ones and this date alters my perception of an anniversary. His birth was a celebration, his death is to note the worst day on earth for me. He entered his heavenly home

I will never be the same person I was........You won't be either

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Hi everyone,thank you all for all your replies,they mean so much to me,and Carol and am so sorry that your husband is also ill,i worked on a resp floor for 15 years so i know how crippling COPD can be,i will say a prayer for you and your husband.My husband slept for three days after getting his chemo,i honestly think it was depression,i don't think he has the strength to do this again,this is his 3rd time. I have a friend who loss her son last June,the other day she asked me if i ever had the feeling something was going to happen to Nathan,i told her that i always felt like Nate was special to me,we had a close bond,almost like i knew his time here on earth was going to be short,I was wondering if anyone else had these same feelings?....T/C Kathy,Nates mom 4 ever

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Dear Sandra,I am so sorry for the loss of your son, I loss my son Nathan Jan,31,2005,on his 21st birthday,and a loss of a child is so devastating,and yours is so recent,i remember being at where you are now,and still trying to convince myself that this was really happening.My son lived at home,but it must be hard having those feelings of wanting to see your son that last one time,i miss my son so much,everyday.Like the others said,this is a wonderful site,and i thank god i found it,this place really saved my life over the past 2 years and i have met some wonderful friends here.I think coping is different for everyone,but it is important that you be kind to yourself and try to take care of yourself,like they say....baby steps,one day at a time,and everyday will be different,also talk,talk to anyone who will listen...and come to B.I ,It is a great place to come and vent,everyone here understands what you are going through...you will be in my prayers T/C K athy,Nate's mom 4 ever

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4everjoeysmom

Hi Kathy, I remember through Joey's tumultuous teenage years I spent many nights in tears and on my knees praying for his safety. I had a feeling back then that for some reason the Lord would call him home early. I couldn't put my finger on why exactly I felt that way, but it was just a feeling I carried for the longest time. Then as Joey began to grow up and become more responsible, he seemed to really be getting it together, and I felt like the storm was blowing over and everything would be ok. Little did I know that when the storm of the teeange years passed and all became calmer, that's when my fears of the earlier years would come to be reality. In a way I senses he would die young, and in my heart those years ago I bagan to try and prepare my heart for the "what if" the Lord would actually reel him in too young, too soon for me to let go. I ponder on that often now as I look back on those years. Somehow God maybe was telling me back then what to expect, but I just never knew, and I was never prepared enough. How sad it makes me now as I think of what might have been had Joey lived to be much older--the college graduation, the successful career, marriage, children, etc... (sigh) I too have often wondered of other mothers received a little bit of insight into losing a child before they actually bagan to really live... Oh well. Just thought I would send you an answer that I too felt that so long ago. Blessings & Hugs, Claudia

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Hi Kathy and Claudia: This is an interesting discussion because I have a story which happened when Pippa was 12 and I have related this story to many people over the years, it affected me so profoundly. One day, Pippa came home from school, changed out of her school uniform and into her track outfit. She ran off back to school for her athletic meeting then came home. Changed into her ballet outfit and went off to her dancing lesson. Then she came home again, changed into her Girl Guide oufit and asked me to give her a lift to her meeting. That child NEVER stopped! I held her by the shoulders and looked into her eyes and said, "Pips, my Darling, if you don't slow down you'll be burnt out by the time you're 20!" Her reply has rung in my ears ever since. She said "Mom, life is too short and we have to pack in as much as we can". I will never forget the look in her eyes. It was as if she knew! What 12 year old has that attitude?! Then when she was only 21, she said she desperately wanted to have a baby while she was still young. Again I couldn't figure out her urgency, especially these days when girls are having their children later in life! Well, Kieran was born just before her 24th Birthday. It's almost as if she'd fulfilled her life's work. Then the day before the accident, my fiance and I were sitting in the garden chatting and he was saying how his parents are aging and he doesn't like to think that one day he'll have to see them go. Well I suddenly had this 'vision' of something awful happening to Pippa and Kieran and I said to him "we always have to keep something back in reserve, because we never know when we'll lose someone very close to us"! When we heard the news the next day it was quite eerie as we both remembered this conversation. I really do wonder if somewhere deep inside, we do have some sort of 'intuition' about these things.

Take Care

Love, Peace and Patience

Debbie

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Kathy, Claudia, Debbie,

I agree, this is an interesting subject. Philip was my "wild child" during his high school years and one time my husband even said to me when we took Philip to the hospital because he had had too much alcohol that someday something worse might happen. I told him I knew he could be right but I thought if something bad was going to happen it would be in high school. He made it through high school and seemed to be on a better path when whamo he died. Philip did more in his 21 years of life than I have in my 50. He said to me numerous times that he wanted to live life to its fullest and he did. He also smoked cigarettes and whenever I would encourage him to quit for his health he would tell me he wasn't going to live to be very old so it didn't matter if he smoked. I asked him once how old was old and he said he would probably be dead by 40. I thought it was just his pessimistic view on life (at times) but maybe he know something I didn't. Who knows?

I made it through the one year date two weeks ago on March 24. I think I was anxious about the date because I wanted to make sure I did something on that day to honor Philip and I was afraid I wouldn't get "it right". We had several of his friends over for a Bar-b-que (something Philip loved to do) and it turned out to be a nice day. The next days after that were pretty bad but looking back on how I was a year ago I can see I have made progress. I still miss him so so much but I am able to function now and I guess that is a good thing.

I thank everyone of you on BI for being here. I am sad any of us have to be here but I do know we help each other get through these terrible days.

Hugs,

Nancy, Philip's mom

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Hello, everyone,

I have to chime in on this subject of kids perhaps knowing that they might not be around long, and I must say that we also had hints of this with Eric. Mostly it was due to his drug/alcohol experimentation in high school, the visits to ER, the calls from police, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. We lived in fear of "that call" for several years. Eric also had a casual disregard for his health, didn't talk much about the future, but lived intensely in the present (as you say, Nancy, packing more in his almost-24 years than most).

And he had a very unusual interest in the afterlife, reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead before he turned 20, studying all kinds of religions, philosophies, never accumulating many personal possessions (he said he liked to travel light and all we could ever give him were "consumables," like soap, candles, books, etc.). At 21 he began to let go of some of his more careless behavior, moved back home with us and began college, pulling straight A's, getting on the Dean's List, making new friends (much to our relief) and beginning to talk about what he wanted to do in life. We felt like we could begin to take a full breath again, when he had this one night and went overboard with the drugs, this time for the last time. Like you, Claudia, I so often think of what he might have become, the person he would have married, the grandkids I'll never see, the future he'll never have. But he did leave some amazing gifts to me that will forever make my life fuller, richer, because he was here. I so appreciate everyone for your insights, support and - most importantly - the sense of hope. Peace, Colleen, Eric's mom

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Hello to everyone,

I have not been posting much lately, due to preparing

to move in May. However, I have been reading your posts.

To Sandra---I am so sorry for your loss of you dear son.

You are in my prayers. Peace to you.

Kathy714,

I'm sorry that your husband has to go through chemo again,

and I will be praying for him, and for the difficult time

your family is having now.

Some of you have mentioned having feelings that your dear child

may not live beyond their youth. Yes, these feelings of foreboding

are very scary to have. I walked past a huge truck cab which was

parked, and said "Imagine how it would be if one of these trucks

were to hit your car". That was on a Tuesday, and my son, Dave,

was killed by a semi truck just several days later. I often think

of that, and wonder if it also was a premonition of some sort.

Peace be with each and every one here at BI.

Daveysmom, Sherry

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Hi everyone, it has been a long time since I posted...didn't want to burden any of you with any more stuff...you all have more than enough pain of your own. I found this wonderful Eskimo Legend that I wanted to share.

Perhaps, the stars are openings in heaven that our loved ones shine through to let us know that they are happy....

I miss her so...Hugs, Vikki

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Dear Sandra: I join the others in welcoming you to this site, though I wish you did not have to be here, or any of us. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son. In one week, our Mike will be gone six months...so hard to believe, and I remember so well at three months, the pain and confusion and sorrow. I can't say it gets easier--it's too soon for me to know. Each day is a challenge of its own. Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, all stomp through our hearts and bring it all back, fresh. I have not had to go through Mike's birthday yet, but I don't look forward to the sorrow of it. I pray that you will find some peace each day, some memory that will eventually bring a smile to your mind, even if not all the way to your lips yet. Take care. Love and peace to you and all here.

Carol MIKESMOMRS

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To all: I, too, want to reply to the issue of somehow "knowing" that your child would not outlive you. My story is lengthy, and I have actually edited it, but it involves two events that happened at different times, but wound their way together in the end, so shortening it any further would take too much away from it. So, please forgive my lengthy post.

When I reached my due date with Mike and passed it by 29 days, I was put in the hospital to be induced. I had spent the year before conception worrying that something was wrong (we’d been trying to get pregnant for over 5 years), and ALL of my pregnancy worrying that the baby would not be okay—many sleepless nights. Around 9:15 pm, on the evening of the 2nd day of being induced with no progress, I was returned to my room for the night—with new worries invading my brain about our baby’s health. I put out my light, exhausted, and settled back onto my pillows. I looked out the huge window beside my bed at the city of San Antonio, lit up for the night like its own little planet. Lost in the beauty of the lights and the stars, I slowly realized that I was not worrying. I felt truly relaxed, (like when you have a terrible headache and you don’t know when it stopped—you just realize all of a sudden that it’s gone), for the first time in more than two years! A calming sense of relief flowed through my whole being and peace drifted into my mind. I looked out the window again, at the millions of stars in the sky, and said “Okay, God. I am giving it over to You. I know that You will not give me more than You know that I can handle, so I’m doing what I should have done a long time ago—giving it over to You. All of it. My life, the baby’s life—all Yours.” And somehow I knew then that everything would be all right, no matter what happened or didn’t happen; everything would be all right.

Mike was born the next day, at 5:07 pm, all 10 lbs, 15 ½ oz of him, red and screaming— and okay—for now. We thanked God for this joyous gift. Over 8 years since we’d had a baby in the house, this sweet little baby-powder smelling creature was a delight from the very beginning—always happy, no colic, no “all-nighters,” teeth just “showed up”—and he won over his sisters and everyone who met him with his happy giggles and zest for life. Every day seemed like a surprise to him that he got to “do it all over again,” and he spread that sense of wonder and joy to everyone around him, family and strangers alike. I didn’t think of my events of the night before his birth again. Until Mike was five. Mike started school on Guam, and the schools were in deplorable condition. On his first day, we walked into a dingy room, the grey paint on the walls peeling, smudged here and there with dirty handprints —not so much as a book or a crayon in view. His teacher, a young guy in his early 20’s, dressed in a tank top and cut off denims, dirty sneakers, and a long, skinny ponytail hanging down his back, came in and led the kids to sit on a soiled, torn gym mat, a darker shade of grey than the walls, that took up half the floor space—there were no chairs or desks. The previous weeks of “Mike, you’re going to school, you will have so much fun, you’ll draw, and read, and paint,” his sisters echoing how much fun it would be, seemed far away, as I watched the disappointment fill his eyes, and the sadness of that usually beaming little face was etched in my mind as I left him and drove to work, crying all the way.

Explaining to my boss’s wife why I was so upset when I got to work, she suggested I enroll Mike in the Catholic kindergarten in town—all 5 of her kids had attended and loved it. I went to see—it was SO beautiful, the nuns so kind and cheerful. And the classroom: bright colors everywhere, books, crayons, posters; a piano! I signed him up and on Monday morning I took him to class. This time I left a little boy who was beside himself with happiness—in sharp contrast to the sad-looking little boy I had left the previous Friday in the “dungeon room.”

I returned to my car and sat there for a bit, and cried. Such a relief, knowing he would be in that wonderful school, that peaceful atmosphere. “So why am I crying?” I asked myself. Well, I thought, doesn’t every mom cry when her youngest goes off to school? So I let the tears flow for a few minutes, and then I started the car again. But, I hesitated; I sensed there was something else. I didn’t know what. Just…something. I sat there a while longer, not really thinking about anything. And then I knew. I just knew. I don’t know how. I don’t remember “hearing” any “words.” I just knew. I would have to give him back. I would outlive my son. I didn’t know when, or how…or why. I just knew. Strangely, I felt almost at peace, and remembered again the night before Mike was born. I looked out the car window, up at the gleaming blue tropical sky, and said “Okay God, You are really going to have to help me with this one, You know that don’t you? I can’t do this alone.”

I never told anyone of this, not even Mike’s dad, and I never actually “thought” of it again, not the words anyway, until Mike got sick with cancer, 24 years later. Mike had a quite a few “close calls” in his life—an almost fatal reaction to penicillin at 1 ½, saved by his sister from drowning at 2, saved again by the same sister from nearly falling off of a 1,000’ high cliff on Guam at 6, rescued by his wife after falling off of a cliff in the middle of the night while camping in New Hampshire, taking off for California, alone, with nothing more than a backpack, to “find himself,” and realizing that “himself” was right back where he started, and thankfully, returning home—just 2 weeks before his first grand mal seizure. And finally, while driving his car, being hit by a trailer truck at 60 miles an hour while not wearing a seat belt. All through these events, I never thought “Oh, please don’t let him die.” It was almost like I knew he would be okay—this time. Like many of you have said about your own precious child, Mike seemed to know that he had to live as fast as he could—he did more in his 31 years than his dad and I together have done in our lifetimes. His “rebellious years” were few, but mighty—he didn’t even start til he was in his early 20’s!. A few times, his dad said “No more,” when Mike would return home, some new plan having fallen through. But, each time, I said “No, we need to be here for him. He has a job, he’s paying his way, so let him be for now.” Whenever I prayed for Mike throughout his life—the good years and those not so good ones—my prayer was always that God would keep him safe and close to His side. Even when Mike went through his “I don’t need God” years, and actually turned his back on God—walked away—I prayed that God would still watch over him, and steer him gently back to His side. And He did. Because God knew, all along, that this was going to happen. I don’t believe that God made Mike’s cancer happen—I believe that God knew that it was Mike’s destiny, and He answered our prayers by making sure that Mike was in His graces once again, and close by to his family, where he would need to be when he met that destiny. Mike tried to veer off track many times, and did, and just as many times, God stepped in, redirecting Mike’s path, sending him back to his destined point of departure—here with his family, for when he would leave us for his Heavenly home at the age of 31. We’ve heard from so many people, those we knew and some we never met, of how at some point in their lives, Mike had influenced them in some positive way, changed their attitude, taught them about acceptance, appreciation, and in a couple of cases, had actually saved their lives. Mike’s heart was open to everyone, and he apparently served his purpose here on earth—he led people to a higher level. And God carried him through his destiny, and when it was finished, took him home for eternity.

The sorrow we feel over his absence from our lives is immeasurable, but we find some comfort in knowing that he lived his 31 years fully. We will reinforce the love he showed his 3 children, so they will remember him with love and a sense of wonder.

I hope that everyone finds comfort over this Easter weekend, and feels love from their precious children.

Carol MIKESMOMRS

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JANEENSMOM:

I LOVED YOUR ESKIMO POEM ABOUT OUR LOVED ONES POKING HOLES IN THE SKY WITH STARS TO LET US KNOW THEY ARE HAPPY. i ALWAYS LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND LOOK AT THE SAME BRIGHT STAR IN THE SKY AND THINK THAT IT IS ROBERT SHINING BRIGHTLY UP THERE TO LET ME KNOW THAT HE IS AROUND AND OK. i HAVEN'T POSTED HERE IS A LONG TIME BECAUSE LATELY I'M HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME. ROB WAS GONE A YEAR 1/20/07 AND I THOUGHT THE FIRST YEAR WAS BAD BUT THE TRUTH IS I THINK I LIKE THE SHOCK BETTER THAN THIS. THE FIRST YEAR I WAS NUMB AND DON'T REMEMBER A WHOLE LOT ABOUT IT, JUST BITS AND PIECES. THIS YEAR IS A WHOLE NEW BALL GAME.

SINCE ROB WAS THE BABY AND LIVED HOME I AM CONSTANTLY WAITING FOR THE DOOR TO OPEN AND THE PHONE TO RING. OF COURSE IT NEVER DOES AND THE HOLE IN MY CHEST NEVER GOES AWAY. BUT I THINK THAT SINCE THE SHOCK HAS WORN OFF AND REALITY HAS SET IN THAT HE WILL NEVER COME BACK AND I WILL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF. OF COURSE FOR THE REST OF THE FAMILY I LAUGH AND SMILE AND GO ON WITH THE REGULAR COURSE OF LIVING BUT INSIDE I AM SCREAMING ALL THE WHILE ROOBEEERRRTTTTTT. SO FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE I WILL BE WAITING, WAITING, WAITING.

JANEENSMOM I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY YOU MISS HER SO MUCH. MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU AND EVERYONE HERE BECAUSE THERE ARE NO WORDS AND THER IS NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO TO HELP US.

AWHILE AGO SOMEONE HERE WROTE THAT SHE PARKED HER CAR IN THE PARKING LOT OF A SUPER MARKET AND JUST SCREAMED AND SCREAMED WHEN SHE REALIZED HER DAUGHTER WAS NEVER COMING BACK. AND I CAN REALATE TO THAT BECAUSE NOT TOO LONG AGO I TOLD SOMEONE THAT I NEVER REACTED THE WAY I THOUGHT I WOULD IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO ONE OF MY CHILDREN. AND I THINK THE REASON FOR THAT AT THE TIME AND STILL IS THAT I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IF I REALLY LET MY EMOTIONS OUT. IT SCARES MY THINK WHAT WOULD HAPPEN AND I THINK THAT IS WHY I CONSTANTLY HAVE TO CONTROL MY EMOTIONS OUTWARDLY. BUT ON THE INSIDE I AM A RAVING LUNATIC. MY BABY IS GONE AND PART OF ME HAS DIED.

I MISSSSSSSSSSSS HIM. AND LOVE HIM.

SORRY FOR BABBLING I'M JUST HAVING A MELTDOWN RIGHT NOW.

ROBSMOM FOREVER AND EVER.

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4everjoeysmom

Carol, Thanks so much for sahring your story of Mike, and how God was always reeling him in. It touched me so deeply as I feel the same happened with Joey. It was his destiny. And while God didn't cause the events that led to Joey's death, He waited with loving, patient arm to lift my precious Joey up for all eternity. As you said, the missing is immeasurable, BUT the knowing that Joey is walking side by side with the Lord keeps me somewhat grounded in the hope and promise of seeing Him again. I too pray that you, and that we all find a special cup running over with blessing this Easter. I am so grateful that Easter is the symbolic reflection of the ressurection that secured Joey's destiny long before he was born. While I celebrate with tears and a longing in my heart, I am truly grateful.

Robsmom, there is no such thing as babbling when the emotions flood insurmountable. I am so sorry this day finds you in meltdown. I pray that somehow as the emotions continue to set in that you can find comfort beyond their release. It's so hard, and we all know your pain. Hold on tight and let us journey with you so that you don't feel alone in your pain. This roller coaster is a mighty big one that goes on and on, but I'm grateful there are others holding our hands when we need that comfort. My heart hurts for you, for me, and for all of us.

Kirksdad, Haven't seen you in a while. I hope and pray you are doing OK. Hugs, Claudia

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Dear Robsmom,

I can relate so much to your comment about how you thought you would react if your child was gone, the part about really letting your emotions out. How if you really let yourself go you would run down the street screaming obscenties, pulling your hair out and then lay on the ground writhing in pain wanting to die. Sometimes I really wonder why we don't just do it!

Our family has had so many tragedies in the last few years. My only sister (who posts here too, sometimes) lost her five year old grandson in 2004. A few weeks later we lost our 34 year old cousin in an accident. Then, on June 30, 2006, my sister lost her son, the father of her five year old grandson.

On 2/12/07 my son died in a car accident. We are trying to be so supportive of each other, but Oh, it hurts so damned bad.

It is a natural thing to not want to go on.....we have joked (yes, we still try to have a sense of humor) about driving our car off the cliff like Thelma and Louise but we have too many people who love us and need us.

Anyway, I just wanted to confirm that you are not crazy. Many times I would like to just scream at people "How can you go on with your life you idiot....my son is dead!"

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Dear Robsmom,

I can relate so much to your comment about how you thought you would react if your child was gone, the part about really letting your emotions out. How if you really let yourself go you would run down the street screaming obscenties, pulling your hair out and then lay on the ground writhing in pain wanting to die. Sometimes I really wonder why we don't just do it!

Our family has had so many tragedies in the last few years. My only sister (who posts here too, sometimes) lost her five year old grandson in 2004. A few weeks later we lost our 34 year old cousin in an accident. Then, on June 30, 2006, my sister lost her son, the father of her five year old grandson.

On 2/12/07 my son died in a car accident. We are trying to be so supportive of each other, but Oh, it hurts so damned bad.

It is a natural thing to not want to go on.....we have joked (yes, we still try to have a sense of humor) about driving our car off the cliff like Thelma and Louise but we have too many people who love us and need us.

Anyway, I just wanted to confirm that you are not crazy. Many times I would like to just scream at people "How can you go on with your life you idiot....my son is dead!"

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ROBSMOM...I lost my 33 year old daughter just 3 days before you lost your son and I too am finding this second year unbearable. It seems that the tusnamis that hit are much harder to get out of. I have some meltdowns that are just absolutely horiffic. I guess the reality of her being gone is totally real now. I am as far along in my journey as you and it is nice to know our feelings are similar. Perhaps they will get better but I will always have that huge hole in my soul.I was the one who parked in the parking lot and just screamed and screamed because I knew my daughter was never coming back. I still do that but not as often. I am afraid someone might call the guys with the straight jacket, that is all I need. A lot of people have told me they didn't know how they would react if something happened to their child and I tell them " I pray that you never will have to because it is a nightmare that you don't wake up from". I wish you peace and please if you want to email me please feel free to. My email is vikki_ls@yahoo.com. I am sorry for your loss....hugs Vikki

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Janeensmom and Robsmom: I have heard before that the second year is sometimes worse...as you probably did that first year, I can't imagine anything worse, but as you all have also said, perhaps the numbness is what carries us through this first year and when that wears off, the true reality sets in and tortures us.

Lwuest: My heart goes out to you and all of your family to give you strength through these tragedies you all are suffering from--such heartbreak, but you all are doing the right thing by being there for each other, this is what counts. My own family has had periods such as that, beginning with my oldest sister losing her four children from a fire some years ago. You wonder how such things can happen, but the wondering never comes up with an answer, and you just go on from one day to the next. Her faith is the only thing that brought her through that tragedy--her firm belief that her children were now in the arms of their Heavenly father, and had only been loaned to her from the beginning. My brother also lost two of his children, at separate times, and a grandson. One of my sisters was murdered, and my next older sister passed away yesterday, after fighting cancer for two years--she, too, lost a son, who died of SIDS at the age of 8 weeks (and, though this was many years ago, she talked with me about it a couple of weeks ago, like it was just a few days ago), and she also lost a grandson, who drowned in her back yard at the age of 2. Another sister has also lost a granddaughter. My closest, dearest friend of 47 years is in hospice now, and has perhaps a month left, bravely fighting liver cancer for some time now. The pain of these losses is endless and deep, but as you said, you can't drive your car off a cliff, because there are others remaining who would suffer more at the loss of YOU. We, too, try to maintain a sense of humor (a gift from our child?), and make it to the next day by whatever means are necessary. I have OFTEN, however, wanted to scream the same thing you have, as well, "HOW CAN YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE YOU IDIOT, MY SON IS DEAD!"

Sherry, Kathy714, Claudia, Sandra, Colleen, Debbie, Nancy, Shuugar, Dee, Patty, Jo, and all others on this site, the losses we have suffered are heavy weights in our hearts, our own losses and the losses we see others suffering from, and I pray that the Blessings of Easter will reach all of us, and the resurrection of our Lord will comfort us with the thoughts of our loved ones celebrating their eternal life, and living in our hearts forever. "One who is loved, never dies, but lives on in the hearts of those who loved them." May the pain of our loss ease, even if just for this day, with the joyful thoughts of their eternal life.

Love to all,

Carol MIKESMOMRS

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Hi All,

Today marks the 45th month since my daughter's accident, and Wednesday was her 23rd birthday. April 4th. This was our 4th birthday without her here. I have read the posts and see that many of you are beginning your second year, and you too have heard that the second year is worse or harder than the first. I remember reading that before I hit that mark and felt almost defeated by those words, that anything in the world could be harder than that first year of firsts. I understood it in many ways however, that somehow there not being any firsts left made it impossibly and ridiculously long to be away from our child. It also makes it harder for some of our friends and family to stay tuned into us as grieving and many of those 'regular' people find it difficult to deal with our giref any longer.Year two has a time issue for many of us, making it harder in some ways, but I agree, even with numbness...nothing is harder than that first year of learning how to breathe again.Learning to accept the truth of the matter. I promise you all that time, as abstract as it has become, will also serve to soften the hurt and make room for the new normal.

I remember many years ago when my sweet little neighbor, Alice, was diagnosed with brain cancer. She died at age 4, at home with hospice. I remember sitting next to her about an hour after her death, (she and I were very close), and I could hear the world going on outside the windows. I could hear people getting their kids to lessons and to do the grocery shopping. I wondered then, how the hell can life be normal out there when Alice has died?

When my own daughter,Erica, was in the accident that 6 days later took her from this Earth, I realized that life had to go on as it did and as it does for others, but that it would never be 'normal' again.

There was some dialogue last week about premonitions and clarvoyance. About a year before Eri was killed, I told my next-door Neighbor, and best friend, that I did not feel Eri would live long into adulthood. It freaked her out understandably, and yet I felt I needed to tell someone. In April of 2003, I had two nightmares and in each something was about to hurt Erica, but I could not see what and in each I woke screaming. In May I had two more the last of which I was giving Eri's eulegy at the church we used to belong. I woke up sobbing. In late June I went to Georgia with one sister to visit our other sister. There one morning I told my sisters that I worried that Eri was not going to live long adn that I just had a bad feeling of it. I told my husband when I got home from Georgia. On July 8th, Eri and I had a great converstation on the phone, and I thanked her for surprising me on the 6th with a visit.I live near Chicago and she and my son had moved to Kalamazoo, Michigan. I was taking a walk when I called her and when I got home I felt calm and peaceful. A few mnutes later, the phone rang and the voice on the othe end told me that I needed to come to Kalamazoo, that my girl was in an accident. I did not know that it was the chaplain who called, I did not know that a train at a broken crossing had struck her car, but while driving there, I felt a firm hand on my shoulder, I knew. I turned to my husband and said, this is what the dreams were, she is going to die. She died on the 14th.

Sometimes we know.

Peace and mercy,

Dee

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However long any of us has been on this horrendous journey, it's all unbearably hard at different times. There are times I feel as if I can't breathe still. The blessed thing about the first year for me was the shock, I can't really remember much of anything. I know it was bad, I know I didn't want to live without Ashley here with me, but I can't remember specifics. I do know that each month that passes is another one without Ashley, another month away from her and sometimes that is a killer. 33mos is a long time not to have seen or talked to or hugged your daughter. At the same time someone here once shared that I can look at it another way, 33mos closer to seeing her again! It's all too much. On April 21st, Ashley will (would have been?) be 21yrs old.

Always too much...can't write without crying..I just miss her so much.

Anyway.. I hope all had a peaceful Easter, love, Dottie

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Guest Guest

I have a friend who just lost her 29 year old daughter in a car accident Saturday afternoon. She & her husband are devastated. They have an adult son and extended family. She was to be married in the fall so there is a fiance as well.

Please help me to be a comfort to them. My heart is breaking for them. I don't want to be intrusive, but I want to help. What should I do and say?

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Guest,

The best, most important thing you can do for your friends is to not abandon them, no matter what. Be there to listen, no matter how morose or depressing. My "best friend" who couldn't come to my son's funeral doesn't return my phone calls. I consider her my worst foe.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

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It's 3 years 6 months today since my son was killed in an auto accident.

I have heard some say, it gets better, you'll find happiness again.

NOT!

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

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4everjoeysmom

I am so sorry for everyone who is struggling with the loss of a child. It's a pain unimagineable to anyone who hasn't been there. I struggle with my ups and downs too, mostly because I just miss my son so much. It's been just over 8 months since Joey departed. BUT I can honestly say that my heart is healing with a peace beyond anything I can comprehend outside of God. I know it is He who is healing me and helping me to see beyond my loss. I am sad I can't see Joey, but I also have the greatest joy for Joey knowing that he truly is alive with the One who made us both.

Easter was a good day for me, because it's not just a holiday to me where I go to church or have a family dinner (I did neither). It's a symbol of the resurrection of Christ. And through grace by His resurrection, Joey's death was only temporary. I can't despair, because his death was not final. I WILL see him again...forever!

I just had to post something encouraging for anyone out there who needs to cling to a HOPE that it can get better. It's never going to be easy for me. But it is getting better...little by little and with the help of a Friend. Thank you God!

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Claudia: Thank you so much for your kind words and your support to all of us. I, too, find great comfort in the risen Lord, and the joy of knowing that my son is with his Heavenly Father is a blessing. I still have the ups and downs, also, but I feel smiles as well, and sometimes peace.

Dottie: Thinking of you and your precious Ashley.

Dee,thinking of you and Erica.

and to all, you are in my prayers every day, every morning.

GUEST: Thank you so much for asking how to support your friends. As Isabelle said, be there for them. NEVER assume you might be imposing, or intruding...ASK them. Don't just call...go there, knock on the door, hug them, let them cry on your shoulder. The day after our son passed away, (Oct 14) while we were out making arrangements, our next door neighbors came over and, as they said later, "holiday'd up the house" by putting mums and pumpkins all around the porch, even tied cornstalks on the posts, brought over a huge plastic pumpkin filled with candy so we wouldn't have to shop for it for the little ones when they came on halloween, who wouldn't understand "Don't disturb them, etc." Then when our neighbors saw that we had returned, they came over and held us while we cried. They never said "If there is anything we can do, call us." They just DID IT...came over on Saturday to pick up the trash to bring it to the dump...sent over food, got other neighbors to do the same. They didn't ask if we needed it...they just sent it. True, we didn't feel like eating, but the visitors needed something, some of them were here for many hours the week before Mike passed, visiting with him, saying goodbye. One of our neighbors sent over a huge crock pot of oversized meatballs in sauce, and people took from it all day, and it was really great for them, and us. PLEASE DON'T ever say "If there's anything you need, just call." They WON'T! Just what does that mean, they will think...will they come take our trash, will they clean the dishes, what are their limits? So, they don't ask. They won't call you. JUST DO IT. Bring them stamps. Ask if you can send out emails. Put groceries in their house. It doesn't matter if it's what they would normally buy, just put some there. Toilet paper, paper towels, tissues. They will NOT want to step inside a grocery store, perhaps for months! Gas up their car for them, or leave a gas gift card on their door. Bring soup. Call them. Ask them if it's okay to call. You don't have to call often, just call, or come by. Do their laundry. You don't even have to ask "how are you." Just let them know you are there, you CARE. Don't forget about them when they walk out of the church after the services, or the next week, or the next month. Put a card on their door. “Thinking of you.” Leave a message on their machine. Thinking of you, praying for you.

My closest friend of over 20 years came, every day while Mike was in his last week, was here for the services. The next day she called "if there's anything you need, let us know." SIX MONTHS LATER, yesterday, she called. "I was wondering if you were okay, I hadn't heard from you." What did she think?? that I had taken an extended cruise or something? SIX FREAKING MONTHS!?!?!?!

I do pray for her, pray that God will help her and all the others, to know that were are not something to be avoided.

Surprise them, a week, two weeks, a month, two months later, with supper in a box…just ring their bell and leave it. It’s okay if they’ve already prepared something, chances are it won’t be more than sandwiches anyway. But if it is, they will eat your offering the next day…make it something they can reheat easily. Drop off a basket of fruit.

SAY THEIR DAUGHTER’S NAME. Don’t avoid talking about her. Ask them, “Does it bother you to talk about her?” If it does, they will say so. Don’t ASSUME it will upset them, they are ALREADY upset…talking with you, crying with you, doesn’t make them MORE upset, it helps them release some of their upset, some of their tears.

And six months from now, KNOW that their pain will be just as raw. and STILL be there.

Oh, my gosh, I am ranting, I know. I just wish I could get up in front of the world and say it out loud to everyone who will listen.

People, it is NOT contagious…it will not cause the same thing to happen to you if you ASK HOW I AM, IF YOU SAY “YOU MUST MISS YOUR SON TERRIBLY.”

I have worked with the same 12 people, every day, for the last 8 years. ONLY ONE OF THEM has EVER asked me how I am doing, has offered to let me talk about my son, says his name to me. ONLY ONE. All of the others, NOT ONCE in the past six months has ever said “How are you, you must miss him, it must be hard.” NOT ONCE! In fact, one of them one day asked my friend why I kept a picture of my son on my desk---didn’t it upset me, remind me?

LIKE I NEED REMINDING! My friend told them “He did die, but he didn’t cease to EVER have existed! She buried his body, not his memories.”

I’m sorry…I am ranting again.

Please, guest, just be there. Listen. You don’t have to say anything. Bless you for asking. Bless you, and may God guide you to continue to be their friend.

love to all, CAROL MIKESMOMRS

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Guest, I am so glad you have come here for advice. Many people in my life have said "I don't know what to say" so they say nothing. I had many people say if you need something, call. As Carol said, we won't call. We can't call. I didn't even know what I needed, other than Ashley back here with me. There were so many things that went unattended that first year. All I could think about was Ashley.

Carol, your advice was perfect. I wish I had had that kind of support. You truly have very special friends. My family doesn't even call. Ashley's birthday is the 21st of this month and I already know who I will hear from, a couple of my closest friends. My Mom, of course, but that's it. There are so many people in my life, but very few true friends.

Losing my precious Ashley has made my world very small. Most of that is because I can't handle the heartache that comes with stupid comments..."what's wrong?", "are you okay?", "you have to move on"

Sorry, I'm already spiraling as her birthday approaches. It would have been her 21st! We already had plans to celebrate, imagine that! She was only 18, but already knew what she wanted to do for her 21st! I feel so blessed that those plans included me! I actually dreamt of Ashley last night. Only the second time since she left. Just a quick glimpse, the shy smile, the "hi!" and she was gone. I have only dreamt of her one other time. The night before my grandaughter was born. It was so nice to see her!

I wish you all peace, Love, Dottie

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Mikesmomrs, Carol

Thanks for the encouraging words. Yes, Easter now

has a special meaning that I may not have felt

before. Thanks to all for sharing your thoughts

and prayers. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

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Carol - Excellent excellent advise. You were not ranting, just telling it how it is.

Guest - the thing that I believe saved me and helped me to move forward little by little was a friend who called me or came over every single day for at least seven months. I am not exagerating. Every single day. Just having someone to talk to that would let me cry and say whatever I wanted was so helpful. And to know someone cared about me enough to take the time to do such a thing. Another friend organized all my other friends to bring dinner to us. I did ask that they come every other day or there would be too much food and it would go to waste. I didn't cook for at least two months. Any don't forget the child's birthday and next year when the "one year" comes around. You might want to let them know about Compassionate Friends. You can look up on their website (compassionate friends.com) to see if they have any meeting locations near you. Compassionate friends isn't for everyone but it is good for some. We went within a month after our son passed and it was VERY hard but I am glad we did. It might be something your friend would want to look into a few months from now. You are a great friend to be asking how you can help. Bless you.

Nancy, Philip's mom

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Carol, Mike’s mom,

Your note said it so well. I had the same thing happen, people would say “call me if you need anything,” and I never did. Recognizing what you need at a time like this, and then reaching out to ask for it is just too much for most of us. While we didn’t experience the many kindnesses you did, we did have two friends who just showed up for several mornings with croissants, soup, and we’d cry with them and didn’t have to put on a brave face. But so many people, even family, were fearful they’d say or do the wrong thing, so they stayed away, expecting you to contact them. Grief really isolates you as so few are willing to simply sit and cry with you. Along with saying their child’s name, this is the greatest gift you can give someone - just to be with them.

You’re so right about folks at work, Carol, even those who have known me for many years. Everyone assumes it’ll hurt you to talk about your child, so they say nothing, effectively erasing our children and forcing us to keep up the pretense. I know it’s hard for people to ask - really ask - how we’re doing and then listen with their hearts, but I so appreciate those few who do. At least here on BI, we can listen to each other. Every time we say our child’s name, they continue to exist; every time someone shares a fond memory with me, I can again see Eric smile and know he’s okay. But what I wouldn’t give to have him back with us! While I think I will know happiness again, the missing will go on and on. Wishing you all peace, Colleen, Eric’s mom

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You've all mentioned several supportive ways to assist someone and the suggestions were awesome, I am a BI member (loss of a teenager)and I just wanted to share a gesture of love and support by a neighbor/friend of mine after our loss.

I can't explain why- but this has touched my heart.

I have a dear friend, that brings me a candle each time she comes over to visit. She calls me first to see if it is ok if she stops by for a few minutes, & when she comes over she never stays very long (which I appreciate) and yet her visits mean so very much to me. The first time she came over she brought a pumpkim scented candle (prior to Thanksgiving) then prior to Cmas time she brought a HOliday scented candle, and two months ago she stopped by & she brought a Days end (richly scented) candle.

Each time I light the candles that she gives me, I think of my friend, I think of her kindness that she displays to me in this way and I feel blessed to have her as a friend that continues to remain loyal to me at this time.

As I mentioned earlier- I don't know why but this has really meant alot to me and it lets me know that she continues to think of me and my family.

Wadesmom

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chrisquilter

Hi Again. I am the guest that asked about how to support my friend with the loss of her daughter.

I just got home from the visitation at the funeral home. There were so many people there!

I saw Jan and hugged her for a long time and told her my heart was breaking for her. I told her I would be there for her and I meant it.

After reading all these posts by people that know what she is going through, I feel so much more equipped to do what would be helpful and comforting to her.

Thank you so much for giving me the information I was seeking. I was worried about being intrusive, but also worried about her needing something she wasn't receiving. I will ask her if I am unsure, and I will do things I see need to be done. Thank you! I will be sharing these ideas with our group of friends to make sure we are doing everything we can to help and comfort the family.

Thank you so very much.

Chris

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my heart goes out to all our new friends. sorry i have not posted in awhile. i do came here often. i got something to smile about yesterday. a new grandson. he was named after my josh. josh's angle date is comming up fast. may 8 . i do have some good days and alot of bad days. easter was so-so. i had my grand kids,great neices,nephus. 8 in all. last year i had my josh he could always make me laugh. i miss him so very much. some times i sit and hold his picture and i can hear his voice. may god be with us all. to guest: JUST KEEP BEING THEIR FRIEND. dont do any thing different. mommabert

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bokenhearted

Mommabert

Congratulations on your new grandson.. Josh. How wonderful.

To Guest (Chris)

Your friend is going to be lucky to have you as her friend. You will see what she needs and just do it quietly. I have a friend just like that. It is 2 years since my Karl died and she still pops in and does little things but most of all she still talks about Karl and lets me do the same. That more than anything is what we need, especially down the track. Remember to talk about the things her daughter did and said... she will thank you dearly for that.

To everyone else that has lost a very much loved child... take a deep deep breath.. and remember a special time you spent with them... let out the breath... know that we are all doing this and remembering nice things about our loved ones. Smile because they would want us to smile with them.

I am thinking of you all

Love

Jo

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bokenhearted

To everyone

Many of you have been talking of having a feeling that you knew that you were going to loose your child and not outlive them. I too felt this and at the time my son died my sister-in-law gave me a poem "Gods Lent Child" which made the flood gates open for me. As I read this I kept thinking I did know that this would happen just not when. I find this poem comforting. I guess some of you would have seen this before but some may not have so I thought I would post it here. hope it helps others too. Jo

God’s Lent Child

I’ll lend you for a while

A child of mine God said

For you to cherish while he lives,

And mourn for when he’s dead.

It may be for one or two years,

Or forty two or three,

But will you, till I call him back

Take care of him for me.

He’ll bring you charms to gladden you

And should his stay be brief,

You’ll have his lovely memories

As solace for grief.

I cannot promise he will stay,

Since ALL from earth return,

But the lessons that are taught below,

I want this lent child to learn.

I’ve looked the whole world over

In search of teachers true,

And from the ones who crown life’s lanes

I have chosen YOU.

Will you give him all your love?

Nor think the labor vain?

Nor hate me when I come to take

This lent child back again?

I fancied that I heard them say

Dear Lord, Thy will be done,

For the joy thy child will bring,

The risk of grief will run.

We’ll shelter him with tenderness

We’ll love him while we may.

And for the happiness we’ve known,

Forever grateful we will stay.

But should thy angels call for him

Much sooner than we’d planned,

We’ll brave the grief that comes to us,

And try to understand.

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peacefulnow

That poem, "God's Lent Child" is beautiful. Thanks for posting it, Jo. My credo during the past three years has been "Thy will be done", along with "...and please give me the courage and strength to accept it". So, the poem seemed especially poignant to me.

During Ian’s fight with cancer, I prayed for a cure, for a miracle to make him well again. I couldn’t seem to accept anything less than that for a while. When it became apparent that the "miracle" I so longed for was not going to happen, the words "Thy will be done" just came to me one day. (One of those aha moments.) It gave me a sense of peace and helped me to face the death of my son.

The phrase “Thy will be done” has forever changed the way in which I pray. I no longer pray for specific miracles, because I realize that my agenda may be different than God’s. And no matter how much I try to rationalize how much better my plan seems than His, it isn’t. It was a hard lesson for me, but one that I’m grateful that I learned. It was a lesson that didn’t come easily for me.

Wishing you all a sense of peace and comfort on this long road that we are all traveling. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Cindy (Ian 10/12/76 1/6/06

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4everjoeysmom

Mommabert--Congratulations on your new little angel on earth! How wonderful to have a new grandson!! I am so happy for this miracle in your life.

Jo--Thank you for the poem. I too found it deeply resonating in my heart.

Cindy--I so appreciate your post. For I have learned those same lessons and am grateful to my Father, my Savior and my Friend. What an amazing future we have in reunion with our heavenly Father and our children, and all of our loved ones gone before. God bless you! Hugs, Claudia

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Hi everyone,i hope everyone made it through Easter,with memories of our angels to help us all through....Bokenhearted,thank you for sharing that beautiful poem,it really is so true,when my Nathan passed i told my husband i was losing my faith in god [we had lost many family members].My husband replied with don't lose faith in god he gave us Nate for 21 years,which is true,and thats what that poem made me think of...Mommabert,i wish you many happy times ,and congratulations with your new grandson,my son Kevin and his wife are having their 2nd child July 20th,i can't wait to hold that little bundle,in my arms.. i love little newborns,they are so precious...T/C,YOU ALL ARE IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS,Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

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Dear Ashley's mom,i just read your post and you mentioned dreaming about Ashley,i have only had 2 dreams about Nate, and i so wish i would have another dream,i miss him so much ,i would love to see his beautiful smile again,I am glad you had your dream about ashley,i know they are few and far between...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

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