Loss of an Adult Child

[pammomofjason]

I Was able too realte too this womans feelings and had the share it here is the sight

http://www.ec-online.net/Community/Activists/griefhelp.htm

[4everjoeysmom]

Pam, thank you for your kindness. And thanks for sharing that link. The last Scripture quoted in that article is of comfort to me. I had the first 2-1/2 verses of Isaiah 43 written inside of Joey's memorial plaquard, and those verses will always have very special, comforting meaning for me too. I agree with most of the article and found it interesting. Again, thanks for sharing.

I built a memorial web site for Joey, but unfortunately their server has crashed and it has been down for a couple of days. Hopefully it will be back up soon. The link is http://Joey-McConkey.virtual-memorials.com Maybe you can visit when the site is back up...

I can understand your concern for Justin. It's a lot of responsibilty, especially when it once was potentially shared with his brother. Joey was a very motivated person and he helped his dad at the farm a lot. And while Patrick helps, he just doesn't get into it like Joey did. I know that will be one area of responsibility where he will feel a heavy burden at times and will miss that his brother once was there to lighten the load. Blessings & Love, Claudia

[bokenhearted]

Hello everyone

It has been a couple of months since I last posted. I have been keeping busy which helps. But as my Karl's 29th birthday approaches on 22nd March and his angel date on the 25th April I am finding it extremely difficult. I have just been reading the posts below and there are many others coming up to the 2 year mark of having lost a child. I cry for my loss but I also shed tears for all of you here on this sight. I have found that I am crying at the drop of a hat all the time. In fact I feel as if I am back at day one on many days. If it were not for the days that I work (3 days a week) I think I would go quite mad.

It warms my heart though when I read the encouragement given by Nancy and Claudia to look back at what we did when we first lost our child to help us get through the days and nights. I needed that and I think that is why I chose to log on today to have a read. I am going to try tomorrow to have a better day. It sure is a long road we are travelling and a lonely one. I agree with the comment made that people do make it hard for us to talk about our children as they feel uncomfortable. It is happening around me all the time. It makes me a little angry that they can talk about their children and expect me to listen and say the right things in response but it is just too difficult for them to listen to me talk about Karl. It would help me so if they would just listen to me. They don't have to say anything. I know it is ignorance but it doesn't make it any easier for me.

Thanks for listening

Jo

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Jo, I read your post and welled up with tears. I do know exactly how you feel, and how hard it is to "share" with others that just don't understand, even though they feel perfectly rightious in sharing with us about their children who are alive and well. They just don't know that we believe our children are alive and well too, just somewhere else until we meet again, and that we just miss them so terribly as we journey this stretch of life that leads us to that special eternal union some day. I am lifting you in thoughts and prayers today... Love, Claudia

[bokenhearted]

Hello Claudia

Thanks for your reply. Your words really did help lift me from my sadness a little. I made myself go out yesterday morning for a few hours with my writing group. I haven't attended the group for many months but am glad I made the effort. I didn't realise how much I had missed it. (writing that is) I am back at work today and that always helps me as I have a busy job in a hardware store.

I viewed your Joey's memorial page today. Congratulations... it is quite lovely. I can see what a special young man he was and handsome. I smiled at some of his antics. ie the sunglasses. I put a post on there about the glasses and how they made me think of my son. He was always up to silly things like that.

Claudia I am so sorry that you have lost Joey but please know you are in my prayers and I do care as we all do here at BI. Thank god we have each other to talk to.

Thanks again and take care

Jo

[mikesmomrs]

Hello all: I haven't posted in a while, but have been reading and keeping all of you in my prayers and thoughts. Rhonda, I do hope things are going better for you. I can't imagine how awful it must be to have people in your life who add to the not understanding by also being cruel with words they do say. MOst of the people I deal with on a daily basis, (work), say NOTHING. Except for one woman, who has been a Godsend, who lets me rant when I need to, or cry if I need to. I pray you find someone in your life who will give you their shoulder, unconditionally. Meantime, you have all of us here, who DO understand, and who DO care. As Claudia said, reading Scriptures helps, of course, and so, really, does writing. I find that on my bad days, my journal REALLY gets a workout...

Brokenhearted, Jo--plse know you will be in my thoughts and prayers also, as you approach your sweet Karl's birthday and angel date. I do keep track, by reading, and you are all remembered to God in my morning prayers, each day on the way to work.

My son Mike's 6 month is coming up next month, and we are trying to plan something in his honor, but I just can't seem to focus anymore, and my thoughts are all a jumble--do any of you have any ideas or have you done something special that you wouldn't mind sharing? His children want to do a balloon release, which we will do, and of course, a prayer service, but otherwise, I am drawing a sad, heartbreaking blank. My son, of course, would say "Party hearty, mom, put your dancing shoes on," but I hope he understands that for now, that is the furthest thing from my mind. I celebrate his life, I do, but my heart is too fragile right now to be able to "dance" in his honor. I know some day I will, because he left too much love behind not to, but not now, not now.

Claudia, Pam, Nancy, Debbie, Kathy, Karen and all of our "sisters" on this bumpy, bumpy, painful road, my heart goes out to all of you, and we must know that our children are watching out for us...as we all know, some days are bearable, some days we actually think of something that brings a smile to our heart, and then comes the tidal wave, washing over us and knocking us down again. I have seen posts by mothers who are in their 5th year and beyond, and they assure us who are "newbies" that time does bring some softening, but most of them also say that there is never a day goes by that they do not think of their precious child and miss them--it's just that the missing becomes more bearable, I guess. I don't know, I am light years away, it seems, as most of you are also.

I am working on a web page for my son, and it brings me joy, anguish, love, anguish, laughter, tears, the whole ball of wax. I think, overall, though, that it is therapeutic, because you are actually writing down what is in your heart, and recording the history of something so very precious.

I must go, have to get to work...for now, I love you all, and please, keep us in your prayers, also, as my husband is not doing well with his COPD and found out yesterday that the 50% lung capacity he has been dealing with for a couple of years now, has been reduced to 40%, and he just can't seem to get back to baseline. He is like my skin, my breath, and my heart beats in sync with his...and facing his health problems and their increasing severity has just ripped out whatever heart I had left after losing Mike. God, give me strength, hold me up, carry me through this, please.

love to all, Carol MIKESMOMRS

[4everjoeysmom]

Jo--Thanks for signing Joey's guestbook and sharing the memory of your son's silly antics. It made me laugh. I can really imagine our boys cutting up like that in Heaven!

Carol--I have you on my heart and mind so frequently, and of course in my prayers. Ecclesiastes 3 tells us For every time and purpose there is a season, a season to mourn... and a season to dance. I do believe we will know that season of dancing in our hearts again one day... Until then, I pray God will continue to lift us and cover us in His merciful rain of love and grace. Blessings all! Love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Oh! I forgot to say that I am back to writing creatively again. It takes a lot of energy, but it truly is therapeutic. I recently began a blog spot on our ministry web site. I use this as a release to write a mix of seriousness and satire about our life here as we journey along in the mission field. It can be found here.. http://rawgod.com/blog/category/claudias-corner/ if anyone would like to check it out. I'm not selling anything, just looking for ways to smile. So, hopefully it's ok I mentioned it here... I plan to do a weekly post of new stories to hopefully bring a smile and a little light to an otherwise very challenging journey as I continue to cope with my own grief. The blog doesn't focus on my grief, but it's just a way to release some creativity and have fun... It's nice to step out of my grief for even that precious few moments of writing.

I hope for all of us that we can resume a hobby or something we enjoy that can "take us away" for a time into a place of love, healing, laughter, and the like... maybe even dancing! Hugs, Claudia

[kathy714]

Hi Everyone,i hope everyone is doing ok,sorry i haven't posted lately,i haven't had much time to go on computer lately,working and keeping busy helping my brother -in -law,with my nephew's,and nieces,....Rhonda,i am so sorry that you are having such tough time,i have also been thinking about Nate so much,i feel like lately i can't stop talking about him ,because i just miss him so much,Rhonda feel free to Email if you need to talk,it's in my profile,I hope you were able to find a little peace on Richard's angel date,i am thinking of you and saying prayers,that god will give you the strength to go on...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[ericasmom]

testing, testing, i have lost two long posts since yesterday and so I want to see if this comes up before I post again.

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, If your long posts take anywhere near 30 minutes or longer to write, it's best to copy your entire text first before trying to post. That way if your session has timed out (as it does at 30 minutes), you can simply paste your text in a reply and post instantly. I try to always remember to copy anyway, just in case. Hope the tip helps. Hugs, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Figures, this one comes up, but one that I took 30 minutes with went somewhere in the stratosphere, and then trying to re-do it... it too went AWOL. Oh well, suppose I was not meant to send those which basically spoke about what we have done over the years to commemorate my daughter's big and special days. Perhaps I was sharing more than my very private daughter would have liked and she deleted my work. She always felt I was far too open with my personal beliefs. Suffice it to say, my response here was for all the newbies to this site, telling you that how ever you mark the anniverssaries or don't is totally fine. If young children are involved and they need to mark the day a specific way, try to help them do this. Each year may be different, depending how you are feeling...it all just really is up to what you think you can handle at the time. Be nice to yourself, and realize that most of us have found that the weeks building up to the acutal day, are harder than the acutal day.

I went to a play in the city last evening, with my oldest friend. It is called "Rabbit Hole" and it is about the different ways people grieve the loss of child. I wept through much of it as it touched on so many of the ways we getthrouh our days. Very worthwhile, cathartic. There are many good memoirs out there as well that might give you comfort; Paula, by Isabelle Allende; Name All the Animals, by Alison Smith; and some great fiction to cozy up to as well, such as "Traveling Mercies," by Anne Lamott; "All the Numbers" by Judy Larson. Many books touch on or are explicitly about life during and after a tragedy and for me, very helpful. As though my book each day could understand me better than other humans in my life. I promise though, that the days will get easier to carry one day, less strenuous, that you will laugh hard again, you will find joy in a pretty day. Our grief is always with us, but so are our babies, tucked in our lives like nobody else.

My heart,

Dee

[philipsmom]

Dee, thank you for your encouraging words and for the book suggestions. In one week my son will have been gone for a year. His sisters, dad and I have been discussing what we want to do on that day. I've been going along fairly well the last week or so and today I woke up so depressed. I know it will enventually get a bit easier but sometimes it is hard to believe that. I have found that books helped me a great deal when Philip first died. I need to get back to reading to possibly help me along. Thank you all for sharing your innermost thoughts. We all need each other so much.

Nancy

Philip's mom forever

[4everjoeysmom]

Dee, I second what Nancy said. Thanks for your wisdom and sharing. And Nancy, you are in my thoughts and prayers as the week approaches. Blessings and Hugs, Claudia

[philipsmom]

Thank you Claudia.

[julsmom]

another good book during the first year is I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye by Noel & Blair. may all find peace & comfort. Lynda

[momgran]

Hello friends. It's been a while since I posted. I was looking forward to St. Patrick's Day as my daughter always loved to celebrate and my fiancee's birthday was on Mar 16 so we got together with family on Mar 17 and again, I was surprised that I could actually enjoy myself. I just had to celebrate for both of us and I know how much Pippa would have been disappointed if I was unhappy on that day. Kieran's birthday is coming up on Friday, Mar 23 and I'm determined to make that a happy day as well. He would have been 5 yrs old. I don't want to 'spoil' their special days by being full of doom and gloom! I know the sad moments do slip in there but overall I want to 'celebrate' eveything about their lives to the fullest.

My fiancee and I have set a wedding date for Aug 4 and although I'm excited and know it will be a joyous occasion for us all, the thought that my daughter won't be here to be my maid of honor and my grandson our ringbearer is sad, and again, an obstacle to overcome. I know they'll be at my side when I walk up the aisle. They'll be with us all the way.

My daughter in law will be my Matron of Honor and my son will give me away. I'm praying that all will go well and our family can use this occasion to 'celebrate' life and love and be happy.

The bad moments still come and go but I'm finding moments where I can smile at certain memories and I know I'm making progress that way. Thank God!

Wishing you all Love, Peace and Patience.

Debbie

[ericasmom]

THANKS CLAUDIA, I WILL REMEMBER THAT OR JUST SIMPLY WRITE QUICKLY AND NOT GET UP AND ANSWER THE DOOR BETWEEN STARTING AND FINISHING. I HOPE THAT YOU ARE WELL, THAT THE LONGER DAYS ARE GIVING YOU A BIT OF HOPE AND FREEDOM.

MY HEART,

DEE

[4everjoeysmom]

Hey Dee, Just wanted to answer back regarding the "longer days". Here in Ecuador we live about 40 minutes from the equator. Therefore, in addition to having no seasons other than wet or dry (temps stay the same practically year round), our daylight hours are also pretty much the same within 30 minutes or so year round. It gets light around 6 am, and dusk is at 6 pm. So no matter what time of year, by the time it's 8:30-9:00 at night, it feels like midnight and time for bed. Sometimes it gets a little depressing getting dark so early. I'm thankful my husband and I keep good company working on projects together, occasionally watching a DVD on the computer, and reading good books. I think that's why I get more down when he has to be away from home for more than a night. It's so dark and lonely at night.

Anyway, that wasn't a complaint. It was just a little tidbit of information about Ecuador, where I live. Thought you might find it interesting. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[angels4me]

Follow the Light

I had entered the room only to put something away

When to my surprise, things would change that day.

Everything started when I walked out the door

And my life was changed forever more.

I had walked into darkness, and there was nothing to see

I was searching a way out, for this would be helpful to me.

I continued on my journey, not knowing where to go,

My life was going nowhere, the ending I did not know.

I walked farther and farther, and there to my right

Off in the distance, I had seen a bright light.

But I continued on my journey, the light I walked by

Then a stranger had found me, but I did not know why.

He told me he had come to show me the way

Little did I know, he would lead me astray.

I felt lost and alone, I only wanted to be free

From the darkness that was always surrounding me.

The stranger walked on, and in my heart there was fright

But then I heard her voice say, “Follow the Light”

So I listened to her voice, I turned my life around

The stranger that was with me was no longer to be found.

My life changed that day, when I had to make a choice

And all I had to do was listen to her voice.

I knew in the end, I had done something right

And it was all because I was told to “Follow the Light”

Written in memory of my niece Tina Marie who always encouraged me to “Follow the Light”

[bokenhearted]

Hi all

I am looking for suggestions. My son Karl will have been gone for 2 years on Thursday 22nd March. Last year we released balloons filled with forget me knots and I would do the same this year except I am unable to get any balloon gas for the balloons as it is unavailable here at the moment. I want to do something on his day but unsure what. I thought someone may have a suggestion for me.

For the last few weeks I have been feeling pretty low but just these past few days I have had a calm come over me. It is something I can't explain but the dread I was feeling, at having another of Karl's birthdays approaching and his angel date on the 25th April too, just seems to have abated. I don't know why but I sure hope it stays that way. I am still sad that he won't be here but for some reason I feel a little more settled. Isn't it strange how we seem to be on such a roller caoster of emotions.

Claudia, I want you to know that you reminding me about doing something that helped me cope in the early stages after Karl died has definately helped me. Thanks again... I like to think that maybe Karl is somehow reaching me from where ever he is and also helping me and that is why I am more settled. I do envy those of you out there that say you get signs from your loved ones. I pray that I will one day.

Debbie

Thanks for sharing how you can still enjoy yourself even after your loss. We all need to hear encouraging events in our lives. We all need to be reminded that it is ok to still have a good time and not feel guilty about it. Good on you. I will be thinking of you on the 23rd March when it is Kieran's birthday and will say a little prayer for him and Pippa too. You will be im my thoughts as I will be doing something to celebrate my Karls birthday on the 22nd too.

Love to all

Jo

[momgran]

Hello friends. I'm at work so sneaking this in! I'm very grateful to all of you. Your stories are a tremendous help in sifting through my emotions and experiences on this journey. I'd like to share a story that my daughter's friend told me a while ago. She had a dream in which she could see the crash, she says she could even tell me what they were wearing at the time! She saw their souls rise out of the crash and go up to the light. In the light, Pippa was told that Kieran was going straight to heaven but she had a choice to return and care for those who were injured and left behind to grieve, or to stay with Kieran. In our friend's dream, Pippa had chosen to stay with Kieran. What a lovely story. How comforting to think this could be so.

Jo: I will be thinking of Karl on 22nd. Do you have a memorial page so that I can see Karl and imagine him on his birthday? Wouldn't it be lovely to think of all our dear ones together, celebrating with us on their special days.

Claudia: I do enjoy your stories about Equador. You are a gifted writer!

Angels4me: Thanks for that lovely poem! How important it is for us to keep facing the light! When we do that the darkness is behind us.

Carol: I, too, am working on their memorial website and as you say, there are lots of triggers as we review their precious lives but what a wonderful way to cover the ground they travelled and to eventually come to terms with the loss and to review what a wonderful contribution they've made to this world! I hope you are coping with your husband's illness and I'm praying for improvement there.

Rhonda: I hope you've had better days. Hang in there! I know there have to be better days, there is a limit to grief, just as there is to joy!.

Dee; I know how frustrating it is when you pour your heart out and it's all lost out there somewhere! Maybe those words were never meant to be in print, for some strange reason. It's happended to me...and when I've gone back to rewrite, even in that short time, my feelings and thoughts had changed! And I've 'moved on' somewhat from my initial words

Nancy: I know how it feels to so want to be there for our loved ones, but I find that's not something we can just pull out of a hat! When we have our 'absent', painful moments, they are just what they are and we have to have patience with outselves until that moment passes. We really don't have any choice in the matter, do we. I'm finding that as the pain 'softens' a little, I am more able to make choices on how I want to perceive my loss and loneliness, and I really am trying to make 'positive' choices. But when the pain hits, there nothing I can do but ride the wave.

Pam: I know what you mean when you say Jason was your best friend. Pippa was mine. And she still is!

Love, Peace and Patience to all you dear Hearts

Debbie

[angels4me]

Dearest Jo,

I read your message below about the anniversary of losing your precious Karl coming up, and looking for some suggestions of what special things you could do in his honor.

Over the years since my niece passed away my sisters, my daughter, and I go on a special trip out to PA to the Boyds Bear Country. My niece Tina had a huge collection of Boyds Bears, so each year we like to take a trip out there and buy a special bear that reminds us of Tina. Some years we've been able to purchase a new bear that has "Tina" in the name, and then we add it to our collection, that we have on display in our houses. If you'd like to see some of the things I've collected over the years, I have some photo albums online that you are more then welcomed to look at. Here is the link to my pictures, and the bears are in the album titled "Lost Loved Ones"

http://new.photos.yahoo.com/peggy_neilsen/albums

In that album are pictures of the Butterfly Bush that I planted in memory of my son Alexander. A friend of mine sent me a poem about butterflies, and that gave me the idea for the Butterfly Bush. Every spring, when I see a new butterfly, I think of my angel Alex, and I know he’s close to my heart and soul.

Along with the pictures of Alex’s bush, are pictures of the tree that was planted in Tina’s memory by the school where she worked. On the day of the tree dedication, the Principal read a little story to the children called “Waterbugs & Dragonflies” by Doris Stickney. After reading the story, the Principal gave my sister the book, and now she keeps the book, and little dragonfly decoration all over the house, and down at Tina’s grave too. If you’d like to read Doris’s story, then here is a link to it.

http://www.dragonflypond.com/rumination/waterbugs.html

Some other things that we like to do in memory of our loved ones is to prepare a dinner with their favorite recipe, and then we’ll all have dinner together and share something special that we remember about them. Along with the dinners we’ll burn a candle of their favorite fragrance, and have the two aroma’s fill the house for hours and hours. On Holidays we light all three candles, to remember them, and then we’ll talk about a special gift that they gave to us in the past.

I personally have enjoyed writing poems in memory of my loved ones. The poem I wrote in memory of Tina is posted below, but over the years I’ve written one for all of them. Sometimes when I find myself missing them, I like to read one of the poems, and it brings back some precious memories for me, and then I’m not so depressed.

Well these are some of the things that I like to do in memory of my loved ones. I hope and pray that something I’ve shared is helpful as you celebrate Karl’s birthday, and mourn his passing to his Heavenly Home. Until then, please keep in touch, and let me know if I can help with anything else.

Love & Prayers,

Peggy.

[4everjoeysmom]

Peggy- Thanks for your e-mail. I was so uplifted by your message. I haven't written much this past week, because I am working in Quito for a week with one of our great friends who is a missionary team leader coming back in July with a medical team. Our week has been packed with visits and such--what a wonderful time we are having. I'll wrote more soon when I return back to the rainforest that I call home and have more tranquility to catch up.

Jo- My dear friend, I am thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer as you approach Karl's 2 year date on Thursday. I am so glad to hear that something I said or did reminded you of something comforting and joy filled. I pray for many more of those reminders for you. ((HUGS))

Debbie- Thanks for your compliment. I'm glad you are enjoying the stories. I posted a new one today--kind of humorous about a recent minor surgery my husband had. It's SO different here!! I love writing, and I am grateful that God has gifted me with humor and grace at times. I just hope I can always touch someone in a special way, and that makes it so worthwhile for me.

To All-- Thoughts and prayers.. Love & Hugs to all!

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

Thanks for making me more aware Claudia, sometimes I forget that we are communicating all over the world. My thanks, and I am sorry for the early nightime, by the time we start getting a bit more daylight, enough that is noticeable anyway, I am about on my last nerve with darkness. I bet it is quite lush and pretty where you are. Have you always lived there? Tell me more.

Dee

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all: I am on my way out to work, but wanted to share this with you. I was at the keyboard the other day, and just wandered off into my sorrow.

Why does the world keep spinning round

The moon come up and the sun go down?

It seems as if the world should pause,

While I learn to live with this heartbreak and loss.

The day you died, part of me died too,

But I try to live on as I promised you.

Yet my sun doesn’t shine and my moon is gone

And I look for the stars til early dawn.

“Go on with your lives,” you told us all

And don’t grieve for me, no tears let fall.

But tears keep falling; I’m so sorry, dear

But my sadness is great without you here.

I know I’ve others I love so much,

Your dad, your sisters, grandkids and such.

They’re all right here, thank God, with me,

But they also miss you so terribly.

We know one day our memories of you

Won’t sting our hearts as they now do.

Bittersweet memories that now bring pain.

We pray will someday bring only smiles again.

Yes, our lives go on without you here,

But, something’s missing, something so dear…

You, my sweet and precious one,

You were to us the morning sun…

Please know that you are all in my prayers and thoughts every day...I will be thinking of you, Jo, and your sweet Karl. You gain strength just by being here, you know---we do give strength to each other. Debbie, God bless on Friday, as you remember your sweet Kieran's birthday. May He give you sweet thoughts all day. Your daughter's friend's dream--so very heartwarming. My neighbor called me yesterday to tell me of a dream...she was sitting on the grass, in the sun, with a lot of people, having a picnic. She said my son was sitting beside her, and he was smiling and looked so happy and peaceful. She said he didn't say anything to her, just leaned over and hugged her warmly and smiled again, the sun shining behind him. What a wonderful moment!

To everyone, some peaceful thoughts of your loved ones.

Peace to all of us. love, Carol MIKESMOMRS

[lwuest]

Mikesmomrs,

What a beautiful poem. It really struck a chord with me and I am going to print it out. I just lost my 33 year old son in Feb. '07 and my sister lost her 32 year old son in June '06 so our grief is still so very new. Thank you for sharing your thoughts in this poem.

[momgran]

Hello Dear Friends: Well I'm experiencing my first 'milestone', Kieran's birthday tomorrow and if I'd known how traumatic it could be, I think I would have jumped off a bridge a week ago! Such bitter-sweet feelings, and crippling pain at times. Tonight I will be remembering Pippa going into labour and us going into the hospital at 3am. The excitement of it all! And seeing that beautiful child's face for the first time....so much like my son's...and how grateful I was to be given the opportunity to experience that feeling again at this stage of my life. I've had moments in the last couple of days where I could actually feel his breath on my face...reminding me of when we'd be involved in a game, sitting on the floor, face to face, and his exitement, his soft sweet breath, his big blueberry eyes wide with wonder and excitement. He was like my own...how I miss that child, how I long to hold him, how I long to hear him sing 'Spiderman' and tell me about the fish he caught. We've been promised our first sunny, warm day of spring tomorrow and I will rise eary and go to 'our park' and meditate and pray and be close to my precious grandson. This morning in my garden I saw two robins, the first of spring. One large one and one small one, sitting on the fence near me and comforting me and reassuring me with warmer, sweeter days to come.

Jo: I hope your day brought some warm, precious memories of the day your Karl blessed this world with his presence, and the pain didn't overwhelm the sweetness. My heart is with you.

Lwuest: My heart is with you and your sister as you embark upon this journey, together, but always alone with your personal experiences and lessons on the way. You will come out the other side, even though you will have times you feel you just can't go on. You will, for your loved ones, and yourselves. I remember when my mother was given a short time to live, and she said, this will be an adventure. We have to think of this as an adventure. Not a pleasant one, but a challenging one. We will survive.

Carol: What a lovely dream! I am beginning to understand that these 'dreams' are messages from our dear ones. They are happy and peaceful and they want us to be too. Your poem brought tears to my eyes. I do believe you put into words what we all feel, as bereaved parents.

Claudia: I am so happy that your life is giving you joy at the moment. Such a welcome relief from all the pain. Keep up the good work!

Love, Peace and Patience to us all

Debbie

[mikesmomrs]

Hello: Debbie, my heart is with you today, as you move through this sad milestone...all of your wonderful memories, like a twisting and burning of your heart for now...but you will move through this, Debbie, and all of those memories will some day begin to soothe instead of sting. Today, you will likely feel so many different feelings, and I pray that most of them will be the feelings of sweetness and peace that come with the remembrance of those wonderful pictures in our minds of our sweet loves who have left us. Thank you for your support of each of us. I will pray for you often today, Debbie.

Claudia, I am also glad that you are having some good times in Quito this week...I am also enjoying your "corner" posting...

Jo: you were on my mind on Thursday...hopefully you were able to have some moments of happy memories of your Karl, that brought some peace to your mind.

Peggy, Dee, my love to you as well. It is hard sometimes to keep everyone's name connected to their loved ones. Sometimes I make myself a list and keep it beside me...I don't want to forget any of you or your loved one's names. My memory is so awful now, and even moments from now I will lose track again. Work is a strain because of the state of my memory, and I hope it does get better.

A special request: My sister, and my dearest friend--whom I have known for 47 years--are both close to the end stages of their cancer. My sister is in a hospice home, while my friend is receiving hospice in her own home until near the very end, when she too will go to a hospice home. My sister had a heart attack this last week, and is very weak. Please keep them in your prayers as well, that they will have peace and freedom from pain for these remaining days. They are both such brave, incredible women.

I do hope you all have some sweetness today, some peace, and some joy, even if only for a moment or two. I am having a difficult time accepting spring...it has always held such promise before, but for now, it just looms ahead, like something else to "get through." I pray I will shake this feeling in time to plant some beautiful flowers to bloom in Mike's honor. He really loved sitting on our back porch, amongst all the flowers I would have in the boxes around the railing and on the floor. He thought it was just so peaceful. In the night time, he would sit out there, with the soft lights on under the umbrella and feel as though he were king of the world--and he was, my world, at least.

Love and peace to all of you today...you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Carol - MIKESMOMRS

[philipsmom]

Carol - I am so sorry to hear of your sister and best friend dealing with cancer and for you to have to deal with more sorrow.

Debbie - You are an inspiration. I hope you made it through Kieran's birthday with some peace.

Claudia - I think of you often and I promise to email soon. I've been extremely busy (a good thing?). Willy says hi!

My son, Philip, will have been gone 1 year tomorrow. This week has certainly been a roller coaster ride. I've been so busy with family and business "things" that I haven't had a lot of time to think. I almost feel numb. At times I still don't believe it can be true. I miss him so much. I know you all know how I feel. Thank you all for being here and sharing so much with all of us.

Love,

Nancy

[mikesmomrs]

Nancy--I pray you will get through the day of PHilip's one year anniversary with some semblance of peace in your heart at some point. I can't even imagine...Mike's 6 month angel date is next month, and it does hardly seem possible.

I hope you are able to spend some time with your memories of Philip tomorrow and may they bring sweetness to your mind and help settle some of the turmoil that dwells there sometimes when you think of his being gone.

To all, you are, as always, in my thoughts and prayers so often throughout the day.

love to all,

Carol MIKESMOMRS

[4everjoeysmom]

Nancy, I am lifting you up in prayer, my dear friend. I have 4 months to go before I meet Joey's one year day, and quite honestly I cannot even bring myself to think about it yet. I too have been keeping very busy, and it's been very good for me. Please know how much I care and that my heart and prayers are with you. Give littel Willy a hig for me, and JoJo would surely give you a kiss if he could. Blessings and Big Hugs, Claudia

[mikesmomrs]

Hi: When I was doing my post earlier, I forgot that I wanted to share something with all of you. I don't know how all of you feel about "ADC's" and I am not even sure yet how I feel about them myself, but I do know that I have felt my son's spirit in our lives now and again since he passed away, and I just wanted to tell you about this recent event. It is kind of lengthy, but I hope you will forgive me for that.

Two incredible events occurred over the last two weeks--well, they aren’t exactly “earth-moving” incredible, but they moved MY earth--and then some.

My son Mike’s absolutely favorite restaurant was a Chinese restaurant in our local neighborhood. If we said, “we are going out to eat,” he would raise one eyebrow, and flash that Cheshire-cat grin of his and say “Chinese-sans?” I have no idea where or how he ever coined that phrase, but that is how he always referred to it—it was his pet name for it, I guess. He never said it derogatorily; it was just always “Chinese-sans.” He even was very good friends with the son of the owner, and they had many chats together over time.

Since Mike’s passing, I have just not been able to even think about going there. I can’t even drive by it, and thank God it is at the end of a dead-end road, so I don’t have to drive by it. Mike’s sister and dad have wanted to go, but have also hesitated, because of the connection, as well. I WANT to go, it’s just that I CAN’T right now—the memories are just too overpowering.

So, last week, we were all discussing what we are going to do for Mike’s sixth month anniversary of his angel date, and after we talked about the prayer service and the candle lighting, my daughter and my husband said that perhaps that would be a good time to venture to “Chinese-sans” in his honor. I told them that I just couldn’t do it, not yet. Mike’s sister Cathi’s 9 year old then told his mom that he would really like to have Chinese food—he hadn’t had it since before Mike died. So, on the way home from our house that day, she and Jamie stopped at a different Chinese restaurant, in another city, that Mike had never gone to. (It wasn’t just “Chinese food” that Mike liked, it was “Chinese-sans” that made it what it was to him.)

After they got home, she called me to tell me what had happened. She and Jamie had picked up some fortune cookies on the way in. When Jamie opened the first one, he kind of crushed it, and the paper was torn—they set it aside, and started opening the others. They were joking around with them, and reading the “Chinese word for the day” words and trying to pronounce them, etc. When they had opened all of them, Jamie said he wanted to get some more, but Cathi said no, they had opened more than their share already. Just then, Jamie remembered the one he had broken when they first sat down, and pulled it back over in front of him and pulled out the “fortune” strip. When he turned it over to look at the Chinese word, it was “younger brother.” Cathi told me that her heart just stopped when she saw it. Mike is Cathi’s “younger brother.”

The story continues…

Yesterday, my husband’s boss told him she was going to bring him lunch because she had not done anything for his birthday yet, and she asked him what he would like for her to bring. He blurted out “Chinese food.” So, that is what she brought, from “Chinese-sans” of course, because it is just two miles from their office. She brought back so much that she and my husband both ate some for lunch, and spent the lunch break talking about Mike.

After lunch, my husband emailed me and our daughter Cathi, to tell us that he had “lunch with Mike,” and explained what happened about Claire’s bringing him food from “Chinese-sans.” Cathi replied “Did you get any spooky fortune cookies like Jamie and I did?” My husband wrote back that Claire had brought five of them back, but he hadn’t opened them yet, but he would right then. A moment later, he emailed us and told us he had opened the first one. The Chinese “word for the day” was: “MISS YOU.”

When my husband told me that, I couldn’t believe him—I asked him if he was just saying that to get me to go there. He said no, and he then faxed me a copy of the fortune cookie strip. I have the strip in my hand, and still cannot believe it. Cathi said later that not only was Mike saying “Miss you,” but he was telling us that he misses us THERE, at “Chinese-sans.”

It was at least an hour before my stomach settled down and my heartbeat returned to normal after this happened.

Anyway, I just wanted to share that with you all…I hope you don’t think I am nuts…although sometimes that possibility crosses my mind….

love to you all.

Carol MIKESMOMRS

[wadesmom]

Mikesmomrs,

I'm glad that you shared this recent event with us . I also don't know what I think about ADC's yet- but the story about Mike's signs to you were unique, special and awesome.

No you are not nuts, and I can understand why it took a while for your stomach to settle down and also for your heart beat to return to normal Carol. Often times these signs are comforting and touch us all in different ways. I understand why it moved YOUR earth- and then some.

Take care

Wadesmom

[4everjoeysmom]

I was just thinking back to a time just before I finished my last days of at my previous job, and I was having lunch at a Chinese restaurant with my boss--a restaurant we went to about once a month. And my fortune on that day said that I would go on to live a fulfilled and joyful life. I remember thinking on that day how excited I was as I was preparing to set out on a new journey with my husband. I had completed a lot of stressful tasks--selling home, cars, stuff, etc--and I was very stress free and "ready to go". That fortune, although I knew it was preprinted and probably there were like fortunes in other cookies elsewhere, felt like it was meant especially for me at especially that moment. When huge life events catch our attention, I believe we become extremely (hyper) sensitive to everything around us, and we pick up on the tiniest details that would have come before us prior to our huge life event, but we wouldn't necessarily have noticed it, because it didn't hold as much if any significance for us. I think back on the hundreds of fortune cookies I've had, and how lots of times I thought they were so silly. And at other times when something was going on in my life, they made a lot of sense. That goes for so many other encounters I've had as well. I know lots of people around me have experienced tragedy and loss, but I never noticed how much until now, after losing Joey. I think when we "notice" these little things that happen around us, and they seem to speak to us directly, they can be a comfort. For that comfort, I think each one of us is grateful in those moments. I'm glad when we find comfort through those "little things" that I am quite certain I took for granted before. Blessings to all of you! Love, Claudia

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

I hope you all are having a nice day, filled with bird songs. Nancy- I hope that the day that marked one year since your son left was somehow touched with his peace, I know how strange it all is. I have felt since I my daughter died, that time is an abstract now. It is hard to measure time, it is hard to realize time, to plan for anything in real time. Time itself has become something new and constantly different. I will say that while many of you are finding a switch to a new season uncomfortable, it is a normal feeling as we grieve and it is time again, it is a mark of time, another season without our babies. Someday, time will not feel an enemy as it may now, I promise. WE are walking toward 4 years in July. Very hard to understand, to know someone so dear has been gone for so long, and yet the memory of the circumstances for many of us are so immediately there, as though it was last week. There will be a softer light around the dates of your child one day.

For all facing aniversaries, do what feels best to mark this day or time.

As far as messages and a sense of my daughter making sure I know she is around, there have been many and I am so grateful for each. Love the chinese fortune cookie messages. Perfect.

My heart to you all,

dee

[julsmom]

To all who are facing "important dates" (I am not fond of "angel dates", and anniversary does not seem appropriate), my heart and my prayers are with you. In just a few weeks it will be 3 1/2 years since Julie died. As you know from reading the postings, we all do manage with the help of our friends, family and those little things that remind us of our children we do get through somehow. A young mother I just met said, if it were me and I would just lie in bed all day. I tried to explain that while that is what I would have preferred, you just have to get up some days and keep moving. Not well, not in a straight line, but for yourself and your child you must keep moving.

Please in your thoughts & prayers remember those who do not post on this board, who too have lost their children. Those un-named parents who go through this terrible grief without support. I have just met a couple who lost 2 adult children with the one year mark for their daughter approaching next week. We are fortunate to have this little band of support, to hold each other tight, to light candles, say prayers or just think of each other. But meeting this couple made realize there are more out there who don't have support, who "buck up" and go through this without support of others in the same situation.

May we all find peace and comfort. Lynda

[darrylsmom]

Hello All, This is Joyce I haven't posted for awhile. My son Darryl b-day is tomorrow. I planned a trip to Vegas to leave tomorrow, thought it would be easy to get through the day if I kept my mind busy. Don't think it is going to work my stomach has been hurting all day. I just ask you all to say a prayer. I pray for all your children & your families. I thank you for all the support you have brought me, I would of never made it. I read you all every day but don't post much. I'm just so sorry we have to meet like this. Peace be with you all. Hugs Joyce

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Joyce, I am praying for you sister! I hope your stomach settles down and you are able to go and have a wonderful time in Vegas. I know you would prefer to be celebrating the day with your dear Darryl. His love lives on and I hope you can feel it.

Happy Birthday Darryl!! Your mama misses you!! Love, Claudia

[ashleysmom]

Joyce, I will be praying for you and your family tomorrow on your son Darryl's birthday. May you have peace, love, Dottie

[bokenhearted]

Thanks to everyone who said a prayer for us and your suggestions on what we might do to mark our Karls 29th birhtday. (22nd March) This is the 2nd birthday without him here. Last year we released balloons with forget me knot seeds in them but as I said before we can't get any balloon gas at the moment. So after much thought I thought I would write a poem. Not that I am much of a writer. I would like to share it with you all if I can.

Birthdays Come & Go Just Like Falling

Autumn Leaves

29 you would be today

If only you were here

Instead you chose to leave

And left us to grieve

How we miss you so

You should be celebrating

Sharing your day with us

Maybe a drink or two with the boys

We know this can never be

So here we stand

With a drink in our hands

Just coping the best way we can

On this special day

YOUR BIRTHDAY

Love you always

Once again another special day approaches and then passes. I certainly seem to cope better on the actual day than the approaching days beforehand. Not sure why this is so but there you go. As well as my little poem I cooked a special meal which we ate and had a little toast to our boy. Unfortunately my daughter is living away from home now so we miss her in a different way too. We rang her though just to see if she was ok and had a little chat about Karl.

To all who are having angel dates and birthdays of a loved one I am with each and everyone of you. Hang in there.

Hugs

Jo

[ashleysmom]

Jo, I agree, the days approaching birthdays and "angel dates" are really tough. I start to panic a month in advance. I'm already in the anticipation mode of Ashley's coming birthday. She would have been 21 this year, 21 on the 21st, my other daughter calls that her golden birthday. Your poem says it all, very nice.

I'm out of work, feeling sorry for myself, which I know I shouldn't be, but it gets so hard to motivate myself when I don't have work to go to. I broke my foot two weeks ago, so I can't be on it for long periods of time. I have read too many books and haven't gotten much done. I want everyone to know that even if I have not been here for a while, I am still praying for peace for all of us, Love, Dottie

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Dottie, I am with you on the motivation factor. I work in full time ministry in Ecuador. Even though we have much work, I find that every day is hard work in itself to gather up the motivation needed to get the job done. I believe it's a normal consequence of our loss, and I often wonder if it's going to be that way always. All we can do is put one foot in front of the other, praying along the way for the help we need to stand, walk, and live on. My heart and prayers go out to you as you recover from your foot injury and struggle to be motivated. If I can help in any way, or if you would like to e-mail me, please do. Hugs, Claudia

[shuugar]

The 20th of April will mark the 1 year since my son James died and like all of you ,I'm feeling panicky and so aware of how fast this day seems to be coming. It's 1 year.....It's forever...I think I'm still in a state of be-wilderness and disbelief or shock. I know he's gone but I still find myself shaking my head to wake up from this nightmare

How Do You Do?

How do you describe an empty heart

Or a mind that will not sleep?

How do you measure the depth of pain

Or the volume of tears that weep?

How do you find new direction

When life's compass has no reference points?

How do you energise listless limbs

With death's arthritic joints?

How do you see the future

Through a lens of opaque glass?

How do you reconcile his name

On a plaque of tarnished brass?

How do you rekindle interest

In a life that was complete?

How you overcome loss and pain

And the desire for social retreat?

How do you explain to those you know

The pretence that you have to project?

How do you smile when expected to

But your facial muscles object?

How do you trust a God you once knew

Or the power of goodness and prayer?

How you put your faith in his hands

When those hands threw the switch of despair?

How do you absorb the colors of Spring

Through eyes that see only black?

How do you control the endless pain

Of wishing he was back?

[ericasmom]

Hi All,

Shuugar Dear, what a gorgeous poem you posted, it truly speaks what we all have asked. I do want to urge you to hang on to the knowledge that there is beauty in the seasonal change, but that perhaps this year, you may not see it, may not hear those birds calling, but you will again one day. As I have said here, time is a strange and abstract entity, just please hang on knowing that your child James wants you to, wants you to try to live on in your best way. Right now, simply breathing in adn out, may be the best you can do and that is damn good having gone through what we have...but one day you will hear your laugh again, it will come, it will grow as time travels forward. Let yourself feel the sadness, go through it becasue there is no way around it. the mark of our childrens' passing is huge and we all suffer its approach. Someday, there will be reference points again, new ones, but points from which to gage the days.

Peace somehow,

Dee

[kathy714]

Hi everyone,I haven't posted in a while,i haven't had much time to spend on the comp.My husband's cancer is back and he is back on chemo,so we have been trying to deal with this ,we were finally feeling like our life was getting back to normal,and now this.I will say a prayer for all who have birthdays and angel date's coming up,you are all always in my thoughts....say a prayer for my hubby..T/C K athy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[ericasmom]

Kathy,

my prayers are being said, may your husband fight and win against this cancer...my parayers are with you to somehow have the energy to face yet another uphill battle. I know that your son is rooting for you two, his beloved parents, so give it all you can knowing more than most people, what that means.

Peace and Love,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

I hope no one minds that I share a response to a section of poetry that made me very, very sad...

Quote

How do you trust a God you once knew

Or the power of goodness and prayer?

How you put your faith in his hands

When those hands threw the switch of despair?

God never intended for the world to fall on that day long ago in the garden. Humankind had then and now a choice to obey or not. But humankind didn't consider the promise of consequence and was then and is still now less interested in God's ways and more interested in our comforts, wants, desires, etc. So the world fell. I cannot honestly say that I would not wreck it all over again if God restored my garden to perfection today. His plan for a perfect eternity cannot be wrecked by humankind or anything else. So my hope for perfect peace cannot lay in this world. It is directed toward my heavenly home.

This is why I can:

Trust a God I know

And the power of goodness and prayer

And put my faith in His hands

Because His hands did not throw the switch of despair... Mine did.

I know this won't make sense to everyone. And believe me, I am not coersing faith. But I am surviving with ever growing peace and moments of Joy, not by my own hand, but by His hands.

Love, Claudia

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's cancer

returning. I know you must be under a lot of

pressure and worry right now. I will pray for

your husband. Take care, Kathy dear.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Shuugar,

Thank you so much for your poem. I think that it

says exactly how we all feel as we struggle on

this journey and must 'put on a face' when we

deal with most other people. It is an honest and

straightforward poem, and says how I feel so much

of the time. Peace be with you in the upcoming days

as you approach your dear son, James' angel day.

Prayers & Light.

Daveysmom, Sherry