Loss of an Adult Child

[ashleysmom]

Claudia, I will be praying for Wilson and his family. I'm sorry you had such a traumatic day. I wish you peace.

Guest, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I am glad you have found this site. Two months is such a short time. Take care of yourself. Come here often. Everyone is very supportive.

Cindy, I agree, that's us. I do feel as if I never know when the wave is coming.

I wish all of us peace, Dottie

[ronsmom]

Morning All:

I haven't been in here a while, I was even stupid enough to think maybe I was coming to a crossroads in this grief, but it ain't happening! Its still July 4 2005 to me. I can honestly say I don't know whatI've been doing all this time, or what was done, I've been in oblivion. I sat on my couch, to the chair, to the couch, for over a year. finally recently I woke up and said no more, I'm going to work. So I took a job (only to save my sanity)..it helps pass a few hours, but ITS STILL THERE! Those waves are pushing me in the back all the time and just like at the beach I know they will knock me over........Nancy, my friend, please just let the days pass you by. Hang on tight to Anything. That goes for all of us. Just hang on. We all know there isn't Anything one of us can say to the other thats going to help, but the fact that we can come here and say anything is the best medicine.......to our New GUEST..Oh God, I'm so sorry for your loss as well. This is just not suppose to happen to moms and dads its so hard, so VERY hard to face the days. July will be 2 years for me, How can that be? Where have I been, what have I done? Who have I seen? JEEZ I really don't remember anything, I'm just a walking mumbling zombie most of the time. I have caught myself laughing, I couldn't tell you what prompted it though...and somedays I think "I'm OK"....then I get hit again. So I think as sad as this is, this is it for me. I'll never accept it WAS "Ronnie", I alsways say that in my head It WAS him.....it still doesn't register.......I don't know..we all just gotta hang on I suppose and hope for a few good moments in each day. I just hope IF any good ones come along I can remember them the next day, cause right now I don't remember much of anything.

Take care of yourselves friends of BI.....I'll be back looking for inspiration!......

Bonnie

[robsmom]

Hi everyone, its lorraine robsmom. Well we got through January 20, it was just horrible. the 19th was just about the worst day of my life. just thinkging that if I had known that would be his last I could have hugged and kissed him more maybe told him I loved more who knows? I was hurting so bad and in such a state that the 20th cam and went and I really don't remember much of it. I know we went to the cemetary. and them we all went back to my daughters for dinner. On January 31, I woke up at 5:00 AM and found my husband on the kitchen floor, he fell and broke his hip. He was so screwed up on tranquilizers and pain killers (he has a very bad back)and as a result his blood pressure was so low he was unsteady on his feet and fell. So from then till just now he was in the same hospital that Rob was brought to. What a nightmare that was. Everytime I got closer to the hospital I felt like I couldn't breathe. Today he was moved to a physical rehab and who knows how long he'll be there. I could just SCREAM. i FEEL LIKE THIS IS JUST ONE HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE AFTER THE OTHER.

lORRAINE ROBSMOM FOREVER.

[4everjoeysmom]

Lorraine, I know and feel your pain with the horrible "one nightmafre after the other". A 19 year old boy was criitcally injured on our proprty yesterday and we still don't know if he is going to pull through. He is in ICU, and my husband is standing a prayer vigil over his bed as I sit here and grieve all over again the nightmare of my own son'd tragig life ending accident just 6 months ago. I am so sorry for what we are going through. I'm hanging on so tightly to God and that's the only way I can stand and breathe right now. I will certainly add you and your husband to my prayers. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[daveydow1]

Hello to All,

Mom2Angels, Thanks for your kind words which always

help to lift me up. Peace to you.

Ashleysmom, My prayers are with you and dear baby

Emma Rose, that she may get well soon. Peace & prayers.

Guest--Laurie, I am so sorry for your loss of your

daughter, Jenny. Please come back to BI as often as

you feel the need. Everyone knows your pain, since

we have all lost our children. Peace & comfort.

Robsmom, Lorraine, So sorry to hear of your husband's

accident and broken hip. You are in my prayers for

all your sorrow and troubles at this time.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[shuugar]

I'm not sure how to begin, so if my rambling doesn't make any sense please try to understand.

I'm here for the same reason everybody else is and you would not think that the situation could get any worse but, I have two surviving adult children and it's not that all the problems I've had with them are any different it's that they have been compounded by the death of their brother. Witch sounds normal except that my daughter is a user living with us along with her daughter. She deny's the use but, I know it's true. It's unbelievable her mood swings weather she's up or down. She hates me, she hates everything and the cruelty towards me is indescribable.

My son is sooo depressed with his life and is so down on everything (might be laid off, his son is a handful and a half, (I hate to say it but he's a little brat) divorced from his wife for about 3 1/2 years now, has sole custody of his son, the mother is not in the picture at all. (I watch both grandkids during the day)

His health is not great.

They both (my son and daughter ) want to die!

I feel like I'm going crazy. They tell me this everyday, each in their own way, her with mostly hatred and him with just despair.

I can't handle this!

My oldest grandaughter, who's father died (my son) has thought that she has seen her dad in the hall-way of her house, talks to him sometimes like he's still there, that sort of stuff. I've told her that I think it's wonderful that she see's him and it's OK to talk to him if that comforts her (she knows he's passed on ) She has even come home from school and said she could smelled his aftershave once. I think its her mind and heart still adjusting to the facts and that it's normal. I've told her that I wished that I would see him and that I talk to him all the time, not in a crazy way but because it's all we can do. Her mother tells her that she did not see him and sent her to a counselor. Believe it or not the counselor said it was normal. (HAA!) (Her mother is a whole other issue with me)

[kevsmom]

Hi all

I've been a member here for awhile and even though I've not posted in many months, I still come here to read and feel your pain that is so famililar. Tomorrow is my Kevin's birthday - he would have been 27 had he not been killed on 6/21/05.

I have no wisdom to share and agree that my life is not the same and cannot every be. This isn't a tragedy a parent can recover from. Perhaps we become less depressed...function better but, never, never, do we return to what we were.

I miss my son desperately.

Hugs, Irene

[janeensmom]

Dear Nancy, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. The first anniversary of everthing has been awful for me to get throught. I hope you will find some comfort in yours memories of him. I just can't make any sense of all of this deep sorrow we parents feel. Never would I have ever thought I would still be here trying to hang on by my fingernails. I feel so disillusioned about who God is now. My faith was or is not really faith is it? It has been shaken to the very core of my being and I won't even step inside a church anymore, I don't want to hear people saying things like "God performed a miricale today, my son's plane crashed an he was the only survivor". To me that is like saying to everyone else "God loved my son more than yours so he was spared"....how ludircious can it get? I am sorry if I have offended anyone I am trying to find my way back to God but the death of my precious Janeen Lyn has left me shattered like a broken mirror never to be put back together again...such deep sorrow and longing...and can anyone tell me what good will come out of all this? Hugs to all...Vikki

[janeensmom]

Dear Nancy, I am so sorry for the loss of your son. The first anniversary of everthing has been awful for me to get throught. I hope you will find some comfort in yours memories of him. I just can't make any sense of all of this deep sorrow we parents feel. Never would I have ever thought I would still be here trying to hang on by my fingernails. I feel so disillusioned about who God is now. My faith was or is not really faith is it? It has been shaken to the very core of my being and I won't even step inside a church anymore, I don't want to hear people saying things like "God performed a miricale today, my son's plane crashed an he was the only survivor". To me that is like saying to everyone else "God loved my son more than yours so he was spared"....how ludircious can it get? I am sorry if I have offended anyone I am trying to find my way back to God but the death of my precious Janeen Lyn has left me shattered like a broken mirror never to be put back together again...such deep sorrow and longing...and can anyone tell me what good will come out of all this? Hugs to all...Vikki

[mamabets]

For janeensmom~ My 25 year old son, Danny, departed for the other side in June of 2004. The other side and beyond, for he is everywhere, still!! I remember thinking to myself "You know, you can't go to WHY ME?, because right at this very moment , someone else is in the throws of this nightmare- Someone else is losing a child". It was at that very moment that I remember saying to myself..."LIFE does these horrible things to us, LIFE , not the powerful love in the dimension that Danny has now gone to- God, Jesus, Mother Mary, and all of the other angels". They are what get me through each day- My Danny has become "my God", if you will, for he has shown me every step and has given me signs that he is so happy. He communicates, just differently. His signs will somehow get me through this. I believe that Danny and all of these angels are side by side with God and that is how and why we have all connected like this here. It's what works for me in my darkest hours, and there are still many, however I know for a fact that we will see our kids again and they are not that far removed from here. They are just guaranteed an existence that will NEVER, EVER know a pain like this- They can not even relate to it now. If that means that I have to continue on this journey, in memory of him, this way, then so be it. I have had to surrender to this in this way so many times in order to catch my breath again. God hasn't done this to your beautiful angel...Life has. Life can be so very cruel, death is not. I love you and feel free to email me at any time- huntross4@aol.com. I do have some miraculous photos of the signs that Danny has left for all of us to share. xoxomamabets

[Guest Guest]

Messenger: Hi: I have not been posting lately, mostly reading, as these winter days are just overwhelming my mood and the sadness just seems to permeate every hour. I saw your post, though, and it just brought a smile to my face...and some pleasant, though bittersweet memories. I remember so well when the Red Sox won the pennant in 2004; my sister and I laughed about how our dad and her husband were likely whooping it up in Heaven, along with tons of other Red Sox fans who had passed away without seeing the Sox "win it." It also reminded me of how, just the year before they won the pennant, my son had dragged his dad and I, kicking and screaming, into being Red Sox fans-- and once you became a Red Sox fan, you are a RABID fan, there is no half-way with being a Red Sox fan, as our son and the millions of other fans soon showed us, so we all had a really good end to our summer the year they won the championship--the summer before Mike was diagnosed with brain cancer and our world turned upside down... My brother died the next January, and again, the Sox came into play...as my older brother brought a smile to all of us when he said "Well, he got to see the Sox win the pennant, his life was complete!" But, all through our son's illness, up until just two weeks before he passed away last October, when we attended what would be our last Red Sox game together, it gave us all something to really share, and be excited about together, and to just sometimes—even if only for an hour or two-- take our minds off of the terrible journey we were on--the journey that we knew would end with his passing from us. After one of the games we attended this past summer, we had gone into the souvenir shop because he wanted a "tie-dye" Red Sox shirt--he was a hippy at heart--and as we had our heads tilted back, scanning what seemed like hundreds of shirts displayed up on the wall, looking for it, both of us at the same moment, saw a shirt that said "RED SOX---2004 World Champions; N0W I CAN DIE IN PEACE!" and my son, lover of black humor person that he was, looked at me, and we both burst out laughing right there in the store, and then we hugged each other and wept, right there in the store! I can still feel the wetness of his cheek on mine, and taste the salt of my own tears as we shared that "black humor" bittersweet moment. I know that he is smiling up in Heaven right now, watching me remember that.. and remembering himself how he finally got his mom to appreciate black humor, even if for only a moment.

You all are probably thinking this is the weirdest post you've ever read, but Messenger's post triggered all of that in my heart and my memory, and I just wanted to share it. I am smiling through my tears right now, thinking about it all...

love to you all, and I wish for all of us a peaceful moment of memory today, sent straight from Heaven to us, from our loved ones. Love, Carol, MIKESMOMRS

Something drew me to a certain place in a Barns & Noble bookstore.

My son had recently passed away. He was a troubled soul. He was an alcoholic, gay, by-polar, had panic and anxiety attacks, feared heights and being in closed spaces and suffered from severe mental depression. He even had electric shock therapy. He was in 28 day treatment programs numerous times. He really did try to overcome his addictions. The last three years of his life, he was in and out of jail. He had a compulsive personality that led him to shoplift things he didn't even need. He was on the internet, buying things all the time. He was on Social Security Disability and had an income of under $600 a month, and this faded rapidly on his internet buying sprees. He couldn't stop. He was addicted to his prescription medication. I beg his legal drug pusher (a psychiatrist) to stop writing prescriptions for this drug. He insisted he needed it. He said my son would go into convulsions or worse if he did not have it. I replied, he takes 60 pills in 3-4 days and after that he is just fine. He usually went on his shoplifting sprees and buying sprees while under the influence of his medication. He died in Orlando, FL in September 9, 2003. The empty bottle next to him. It had been filled September 4, 2003. He also had some illegal drugs in his system. We, his dad and I always feared his life would end in this way.

The day before his death, I prayed to God. I had enabled my son for years, always thinking this time he would stop doing what he is doing. Somehow, I felt if I let him hit bottom, he would die there. Finally, I turned his life over to God. I just couldn't take it anymore. My son and I had words, that day (the day before he died). I told him if he continued as he was, he was going right to hell. That his dad was cutting him out of our will. His last words to me were: DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO, BUT JUST REMEMBER, I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU AND DAD. Then he said he would be back to his home in Clermont, FL (about 20 miles from Orlando) in a few hours. He never made it. I knew where he was in Orlando. I called there repeatedly the next morning; he was not called to the phone. I was told to stop calling, etc.

I expected him back to his home, and we would talk and everything would be the same as always. I guess God knew I really couldn't let go.

He died sometimes before noon that day. So God's response was to take him HOME. Yet, I wondered if my son, in fact, went straight to HELL. I decided if he did, I wanted to go there too. My brother was appalled that I would even think such a thing. But, I recall the story of the shepherd and the sheep and the shepherd leaving the sheep that were safe and going after the sheep that was lost. I was like the shepherd. I would not leave my son alone to suffer. I would go wherever he was to comfort him and to feel the same pain he might feel.

The next evening, I prayed and prayed again. It was the most earnest prayer I had ever prayed. I asked forgiveness for everything I had ever done, intentionally and unintentionally. I prayed for everyone in my family. I prayed for friends, I prayed for people I didn't particularly even like. Then, I asked God for a sign that my son was OK. Finally, I fell asleep.

The next morning, my husband turned to me and said, WE HAD A VISITOR DURING THE NIGHT. I asked who? HE SAID JACK (Jack was our son that had just died). HE SAID JACK WAS AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PET PETTING THE DOG.

This was God's sign. And it was more meaningful because God sent the sign to my husband instead of me. This made it REALLY believable. My husband saw even more signs in the coming days. Wonders in the sky that he had never seen before, nor since. He was standing outside in front of the garage. A very large bird swooped down directly in front of him and spread his wings. Then flew away, and turned around and looked toward him, and flew up beyond his sight. We think that our son was trying to tell us -- MOM, DAD, I AM GONE. I AM GONE!

But, there was still what I said to my son before he died. I told him if he continued as he was, he was going right to hell. The Devil was at work, throwing doubt toward me. Now I had this concern, even though God sent a sign that he was OK. Was he really? Was he, in fact, in Hell. That feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction was creeping in. It was hard to dismiss. But God was at work again. He knew just what to do.

Shortly after my sons death, I was in a book store. Something led me to the section where I found the book IF GRACE IS TRUE. It comforted me to no end. It answered my questions completely. It gave me hope where sometimes there was and sometimes there was not. I turned from despair and concern to hope and gratefulness and finally to complete assurance. God was at work in my life again. God answered my prayers completely.

That wasn’t all. God knew I needed something else. I received a book in the mail from GUIDEPOST. It was from a series COMFORT FROM BEYOND. I am sure this was the Holy Spirit at work to comfort me. Of course, I subscribed to the series. It also has helped me through my grief of my sons death and concern over my his faith.

So, there you have it. God sent me directly to the section in the bookstore where the book IF GRACE IS TRUE was, and later the Holy Spirit saw that the sample book from the series from COMFORT FROM BEYOND arrived at my door. God knew just what I needed.

The book - IF GRACE IS TRUE -- WHY GOD WILL SAVE EVERY PERSON was another message from God. And this message was -- YES HE WOULD . . . AND HE DID.

Thank you Philip Gulley and James Mulholland, Thank you GUIDEPOSTS - COMFORT FROM BEYOND SERIES -- and thank you GOD.

[4everjoeysmom]

Dear Guest, THANK YOU for posting what you did. I am so wonderfully overjoyed that you are able to give glory to God in the throws of pain and trial. I believe too that when we look outside of ourselves, our emotions, etc, and look to HIM foremost, we will find peace beyond our understanding. I received similar messages from God through others--some who had never met Joey but knew he was with the Lord. I am so sorry for your devastating loss in this world. But I am so excited for you that you WILL be reunited with your son in Heaven when this life is through. God bless and keep you. In Christ's Love, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

A few days ago a 19 year old boy working here for us was critically injured. There was no doubt this boy's life was hanging by a thread. And in all honesty, it's a miracle he survived. I lost my son Joey July 31st of this past year, just a little more than 6 months ago. He was one week from turning 24. In no way do I feel God spared this young man working for me because He loves this boy more than my son Joey. In fact, I wonder sometimes why God loves my son Joey more than me, because I am still here in a fallen world and my Joey is in a perfect Heaven. To quote something from a song I was listening to just a little while ago, "To be out of this body is to be with God. That must be very good." My faith is believing that God is who He says He is, and Heaven awaits me. For all the things I know of God and Heaven, and knowing my son IS there, I have to ask myself, "why would I ever want to bring Joey out of Heaven and back into this fallen world?" The only answer would be for my own selfish reasons. It would having nothing to do with thinking and knowing that Joey is perfect there in love, worship, joy, peace, rejoicing, and waiting for me to arrive when my day comes. I know many struggle with faith in times of trials. But it is through these trials that we have an awesome opportunity to look beyond our pain and see something greater; A loving God waiting for us to run to Him like His children that we are--just like when we were little; we would run to a loving parent's arms for a bandaid and a kiss for our hurts. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[Artina]

Hi my dear friends,

It has been quite a while since I have posted. I found that I needed some space from death- for I needed to be with mine alone. For you that are "new" to this site- my son died Jan 4, 2002 from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident. I logged onto Beyond Indigo daily for two and a half years... I didn't think life could be filled with joy ever again. I learned along the way that as long as I reached, searched and grew in my grief that my view of the world would change and I would find myself again. Let me say, that I asked the same questions of God that most of you are asking, "why does a loving God take my son". I knew the answers within my very soul- that my son wasn't taken. I believed in my darkest moments that my son could see and understand my grief, but was unable to reach out in his state of being. I knew that energy never died- this is known scientifically and logically. Thus, my son's energy still lives and I needed to understand. I read books on life after death and I have found a new way of interacting with him. It's not what I want. And I hurt. But, it is what I have to carry while I walk through this life. I live for both of us now. I know that I will see him again some day- because nobody lives forever- not even me (thank God).

Be sure to walk in your grief towards something, or you will get no further from where you are today. Reach for knowledge about life after death and don't be afraid to seek. I believe that God has provided the answers- we must seek for them. Loss pushes the boundaries of organized Religion and provides the TRUTH- "seek for I am here". I believe that Jesus meant it when he said the latter and I look for my son with that in mind.

With my love to all, Tina

[shirleybjsmom]

Claudia

I wanted to let you know how much i enjoy reading your post what a knowledgable women you are and really together with your spiritual life. I have always believed in God and it has given me a warmth inside that is so wounderful. since b.j.'s accident my husband,two of our daughters, mother and father in law, sister in law her husband and their son have all started to come to church. the night of b.j.'s accident when they told us the news at the hospital our world was turn upside down. but after getting up off the floor by the help of the Lords hand (literally)I knew that b.j. had went to heaven without any doubt. from the time he had received his permit back in April up till two weeks before he took his test for his driving license in oct. i had a preminition that he was going to be killed in a automobile accident and it happened the exact way i had dreamed every night. there is so much more i would like to tell you but i know if i take any more time i will lose all i have typed

shirley

[isabelle]

I feel for Anna Nicole Smith and her family - she just couldn't hang on - only 5 months into the grief of losing her son. I am 3 years and 4 months out, since losing my 22 year old son, Ray. Am I a sick soul to think Anna was lucky. I so want to be with my son.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom

[4everjoeysmom]

Shirley, Thank you for your encouragement. You're a strong woman. I would love to hear more of your story.. If you want to e-mail me, please feel free. Sometimes it's easier to say a lot that way...

Elizabeth, Grieving is so hard. And sometimes it can be like a sickness when it consumes us into deepest depsair. I want to be with Joey too, but I know there are still things for me to do here. For one, I do have another son Patrick, who I pray will give me grandchildren one day. But even if I didn;t have Patrick, I trust God will bring me home when it's my time. It's ok to be homesick for heaven. Let it be in God's time. I pray you can find the courage and strength to carry on in the loving memories of Ray as he would want you to feel "alive" here too. I don't know if Anna N-S is lucky. She's blessed IF she's in heaven. Love & Hugs, Claudia

[mom2angels]

Dottie ~ How is Emma Rose? Is she feeling better? Just wanted you to know that my prayers are continuing for her healing and for strength for you. {{{HUGS}}}

Love & Light

Roslyn

[mom2angels]

{{{Vikki}}} ~ You asked me how many times I felt like giving up and joining Michael. My answer is: never. I look forward to being reunited with Michael, but I would never consider hastening that joyous moment. I made a promise to Michael prior to his passing, and while he was passing, that I would be okay and continue to live the rest of my Earthly life by his courageous example. I also have a commitment to my son, Jonathan, who is dependent upon me for his complete care 24 hours every day.

My children inspire me to be strong, because they are remarkably strong in the face of all of their physical restrictions and medical issues. I have come to realize that no pain that I will ever experience, including their loss, will compare to their Earthly pain and battles.

Most of my family members have died, as well as many friends, and now my son. I am preparing myself every day to lose Jon. Grief is familiar to me, although my grief for Michael is like none other. Every one of my loved ones has contacted me in some way after they crossed over. They have all reported to me in their contacts that they are happy, whole, and surrounded by blissful peace and love. My happiness for them exceeds my sadness for my self.

I could have abandoned my faith long ago, when I learned that my sons had a severe disabling condition. Instead, I connected with God to give me the guidance, wisdom, and strength to be their mother. I entered a partnership with God to care for them on Earth, their temporary home.

I prayed mightily for their healing all of their lives, and many times my sons were near death, only to make miraculous recoveries. I fully expected that to be the case with Michael’s final illness, but after 2 weeks on the vent and too many infections and antibiotics and IV lines running through his body, I realized that the final miracle would be his release back to the arms of God. He coded in the ER on Mother’s Day. He died in my arms on Memorial Day.

I asked Why? A lot. On my knees in the hospital chapel, which is my church, I asked for God’s Divine Guidance, His Will, and for strength for me so that I could handle whatever the outcome. I was given all of that and more.

I don’t know why, and I don’t expect to know why my sons were born with their condition, or have to die too early, or why your Janeen left so soon, or why any of our children and other loved ones departed from us when and as they did.

This is where faith enters the picture. Faith means that we accept that there is a reason, an incredible reason, for all the tragedy in our lives, which we can’t fully fathom.

I’ve found that once I’ve accepted that there is a reason for what happens in my life that I come closer to understanding what that reason is. For Michael, he was ready to lay down his sword after a valiant 32 year battle. His timing was amazing, as Jon’s health began to decline within months of Michael’s passing. Jon was always more robust, and Michael’s fragility meant that Michael’s needs were priority. So, Jon would wait patiently. Now, it was Jon’s turn, and in some way, Michael must have known that time was coming for Jon, and he wanted his generous brother to receive ALL of the attention from me and Jim. And many things happened during Jon’s two life threatening hospitalizations, and every day, which made it clear that Michael was watching over his brother.

In that way, I suppose that I can say good came from Michael’s death. You asked that question also. I cannot answer that for you, as it is your journey, and you must find those answers for yourself, as we all do.

Of course, God knows our confusion, frustration, anger – everything. So, why not go to God and ask for strength and faith? Start praying, Vikki. Even if you don’t believe that God is listening, just pray. Pray for peace and comfort. Pray for understanding. God hears you even when you don’t realize that you are praying, but when you pray purposefully and with gratitude, your connection will be stronger.

Talk to Janeen. Write letters to her, poems, play music for her, light candles for her, and make a connection with her, because she is with you, and she will always be with you.

Our hospital chaplain advised us after Michael passed, at his bedside, that Michael’s soul left his body, and now there would be a new dimension to our relationship with Michael. She told us to open our minds, hearts and spirits to commune with Michael in his new life form. She reminded us that, as human beings, we are tied to our Earthly relationship, and we depend upon our five senses to relate to each other. But, we can continue our relationship, in the spiritual form. That requires a tremendous adjustment, because we can’t rely on our Earthly ways of relating.

From that moment on, I have worked on developing my spiritual relationship with Michael, and this is where I find my greatest comfort.

I could have written a much shorter response to you, and I apologize for taking up so much space here. I felt compelled to really reply to your questions. I share my experiences here with the prayer that they will help at least one person. I have come to realize that part of Michael’s legacy to me is helping other grieving parents find their way through this painful journey. It’s unbelievably difficult. But there is hope.

And you can see that hope here as every parent keeps climbing up from the depth of their despair to the light of hope. Hope keeps us going.

I will pray for you to find your way back to faith.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[messenger]

DEAR KEVSMOM...MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU TODAY...THE 11TH....I HOPE YOU WILL BE ABLE TO FIND SOME PEACE...................YOUR SON PASSED 5 DAYS AFTER MINE DID..MY SONS BIRTHDAY WILL BE THE 17TH..HE WOULD HAVE BEEN..29............I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING AND I AM SO SORRY...YOU CAN EMAIL ME AT LOVEISANGELS74@SBCGLOBAL.NET IF YOU WANT...GOD BLESS

MESSENGER

[ashleysmom]

Rosalyn, Emma is feeeling better. Her breathing has improved. My daughter has been able to stay home with her for 4days and that has helped her so much. Thank you so much for asking.

Tina, I have been thinking of you. It is good to hear from you.

[Artina]

Thank you Ashley... I think of all of you often, I just needed to concentrate on being with my own grief after five years. I think that it was good for me to unplug from all the losses-not from you guys- but the reality of the quantity of loss.

I would like to pray for Anna Nicole Smith... that poor Soul. Her ability to function without loss was poor and I don't think she had many coping skills or a support system prior to her loss. Thus, when here beloved son, Daniel, died where could she turn, but to what she already knew (some say drugs). I can tell you this though, she loved her son and she needed REAL people around her for a good couple of years and that didn't seem to be the case. Unfortunately she gave up the walk that had the ability to take her to an understanding about life after death and I guess I understand that. I pray that she has found peace.

Tina

[mom2angels]

Nancy/Phillip’s Mom ~ We’ll be here to help you through the tough days. The second year can be difficult, but with support it will be a little easier for you. Please remind us as Phillip’s Angel Date approaches so we can all send you healing, strengthening prayers.

Cindy/PeacefulNow ~ Yes, we are all stronger than we give ourselves credit for, just by virtue of our being here, sharing our stories and feelings. And when those waves hit, it’s comforting to know that we have a safe place to fall.

Laurie/Guest ~ I’m so glad that you found our family of friends to help you through those overwhelming moments, which must be so powerful for you after only two months of losing your beautiful daughter, Jenny. Just do whatever you have to do right now and for as long as you have to do it. It’s okay. There are no rules or timelines to this grieving.

Dee/Erica’s Mom ~ Great advice and insight as always.

Claudia/4everJoey’s Mom ~ I will continue to pray for Wilson’s complete healing. My prayers are with his parents, and with you, as I can’t imagine how traumatic his accident must have been for you.

Bonnie/Ron’s Mom ~ Sometimes hanging on is all we can do. You have made progress in moving forward by taking a job. Eventually, the fog will lift.

Lorraine/Rob’s Mom ~ I’m so sorry that your husband broke his hip. Did he have his hip replaced or a rod and pins installed? (My son Jon has a rod and pins.) I can really relate to your anxiety in being at the same hospital as Rob. I will pray for your husband’s rapid recovery.

Sherry/Daveydow ~ I’m so glad to know that my words have helped you. I always enter here with the prayer that my words will offer hope, comfort and strength.

Shuugar ~ You certainly have an overflowing plate with your son’s and daughter’s issues. Have you sought professional help for them or for yourself? It’s wonderful that your granddaughter has recognized her father’s contact. Her counselor is right. It is normal. And very special.

Irene/Kev’sMom ~ I lit a candle in honor of Kevin’s 27th birthday. Our lives are definitely changed forever. In time, I pray that you, and all here, will find joy and peace.

Betsy/Mamabets ~ You are an inspiring and encouraging friend to all of us. Thank you Danny for showing your Mama all of your fantastic signs, so that she can reassure us.

Guest ~ I am so sorry for the loss of your son, Jack. For your sake, I am grateful that Jack provided your husband with signs that he is now free of his Earthly suffering and at peace, and that you were directed to those books, which helped you understand Jack’s transition and relieve your concerns about his spiritual state.

Tina ~ Just a few days ago, I was thinking of you and wondering how you are. It’s good to see you here again. Your wisdom and experience are truly beneficial to all of us. Excellent advice to walk forward in our grief toward something. It’s so easy to get stuck in one place and forsake looking ahead. I hope that your time away from us was healing for you and that you were surrounded by lovely memories of Chris on his Angel Date in January.

Shirley/bj’sMom ~ To save your posts, copy them (usually found under “Edit” on your browser). Then if your session times out, you can log in again and paste your message into the message window, then hit Post Now. What a blessing that your family members are attending church since b.j.’s passing. I hope that brings all of you comfort.

Elizabeth/Isabelle ~ I feel sorry for Anna Nicole’s mother and sister, and especially for her baby daughter, who will be the pawn in endless legal proceedings by men claiming to be her father only for the purpose of getting their hands on tons of money. While Anna has rejoined her son, she has left behind an innocent baby, who will never know her mommy and likely be tossed from one place and person to another. That is very sad. Even though you are physically separated from Ray, he is and always will be with you. I will pray that you can feel him near you until it is your time to be reunited with him.

Messenger ~ I will be thinking of you and lighting a candle for James’ 29th birthday on the 17th.

Dottie ~ So happy to hear that Emma Rose is feeling better. May she continue to improve and stay well.

{{{HUGS}}} to everyone ~ My prayers are with you daily that God will grant you peace and comfort ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[jennylinsmom]

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. What a gift to have found you. I wasn't sure what to expect in joining this group, but it's already helping so much. Like so many others, these first few weeks since my daughter's passing has left me physically unable to drag myself to a therapist, in-person support group, or anything outside of my house, but here I can find hope, and people who understand - anytime I find myself needing support. I look forward to a time in the very near future, where I can reach out to others and help, as opposed to being so self-focused right now. I also have two adult sons (27 and 25), and I want to know how to help them, and to understand how their way of reacting to things will be different than mine. I warned them I would probably 'mother them' too much for awhile...and I definitely have, but I'm learning to find a better balance. It was also a huge help to read that others on this site have done the same 'Weekend at Bernies' imitation on the couch, that I've been doing this past 2 months. I've felt terribly guilty and weak for being so useless, and even though I know it's the opposite of what my daughter would want for me - I feel powerless to make myself move. If I put clothes in the washer - I think it's a major accomplishment, but then I have to restart the same batch of clothes 3 days later. I think I'm ready to make a change and move forward. I need to work, pay my bills, and interact with people, but I'm terrified a 'wave' will hit while I'm at work. I would love to hear how others have motivated themselves to get 'unstuck'. God bless...Laurie

[Artina]

Laurie,

Every step after the loss of a child feels like a burst ready to happen. The key is to know that it's okay to burst- no matter the environment you are in. Once you have the burst, you will be able to move into the next step until you burst less and less. The grocery store is a good place to practice this- when you are ready. I remember when the store was so difficult that I would drive out of the parking lot without shopping. I don't do that anymore. I have put off shopping, but I don't have the same type of attacks that I had in the first couple of years.

I don't think any stage goes without a burst no matter how long you hide behind the curtain. What I mean by that is: if you wait five years to go back to work- you will still have a burst to get through. Again, the key is to accept that you are going to burst and to know that it's okay to do so. It does hurt and it does cause a lot of anxiety. However, on the other side of the burst is hope- you will be able to find a new type of normal that will help balance your grief. I enjoy work... I enjoy the interaction of people so much more than I did in the first two years. They just didn't know how to support me shortly after. And, I didn't know how to tell them how to support me. Yet, we have moved past all that now and are able to just be. I reach out to those that I feel safe with.

Little steps for now... at least they will keep you moving towards hope.

[ronsmom]

LAURI (jennylinsmom)...you've found the perfect place to help you online. I too waited to seek help, I thought I could do this alone with just my husband and 2 children for support. A few friends & a few of the family hung close to me, but most disappeared..But HERE I found people who are Real and understanding. Reading everyones thoughts are like looking into you head and heart, you understand every single word, sigh, and tear. You feel it too. 2 months after losing your baby is horrible. I could not function for over a year. Ron and his girlfriend were killed in a skydive accident july 4th 2005 and most of the time thats where I am...its still july 4 2005. Haven't a clue whats been happening since then because I'm stuck in that day. Everyone further on this road says it gets "lighter, or softer" and though I poo pooed that for a long time (like yeah, right) but I find they weren't empty words, I am beginning to move forward somewhat. , I do seem to be able to function for more "minutes" throughout the day. But the first year...whoa, I was lucky to find my way back to the chair... from the couch, I was a dead woman walking.

As far as helping Jenny's siblings, I've found that including them in your thoughts and sharing information with them helps. Don't hide your feelings from those who love you, share them. By you sharing with them, they can open up as well and that helps them. I found that out almost too late...

Take your days one at a time, do only as much as you can, if you have to wash your clothes over and over, so be it. If you want to cry, let it out. I still do, and I always will.

To all of you, I haven't written much lately, still trying to get a grip on my life, but please know I read the posts, and I remember your children every single day and light candles for you on your "days" and send thoughts to all of you.

I wish I had better coping skills, but those tears are still so close to the surface, and his face and name are still circling my head, though it seems to take a little longer to make the complete rotation in there though so I guess thats a little progress in this grief process. Just trying to keep so busy while sitting in heavens waiting room, if I can't die of a broken heart, maybe I will of overload, or at least maybe I'll do something productive in the meantime, cause I sure haven't been very productive this past 19 mos........

Hang on everybody!!

blueskies,

Bonnie

[messenger]

ROSLYN,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,YOU ARE SUCH A BLESSING TO EACH ONE OF US...SUCH AN INSPIRATION TO US ALL.......THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR KIND WORDS AND FOR LIGHTING A CANDLE FOR JAMES THE 17TH ON HIS 29TH BIRTHDAY..........VERY SWEET OF YOU!!!!!!!!

I CAN SEE HOPE IS A VERY IMPORTANT WORD IN YOUR VOCABULARY TOO...IT WAS HIGH ON MY LIST WHEN I HAD BREAST CANCER........IF YOU LOSE IT...YOU LOSE THE FIGHT..........THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME OUT TO WRITE A MESSAGE TO EACH PERSON

MAY THE LORD BLESS YOU FOR ALL THE STRENGTH YOU GIVE TO OTHERS

LOVE MESSENGER

[ashleysmom]

To all, When I couldn't get out of my own way, (not that I'm real motivated now), a friend of mine said, try to accomplish one thing in your day. Sometimes it was only getting dressed. When I did that consistantly, I then set the goal for two things, etc. It sounds simple to most people, but it really wasn't. These things eventually became routine again, but it was in babysteps.

Bonnie, Ashley died one year before on July 4, 2004. I don't remember much about the last two and a half years. I keep thinking I'm going to remember better now, but I don't. I have filled my memory to overflowing with Ashley and most of the time, I don't cry thinking of her. It still breaks my heart when I think of big life events (babies, weddings, etc.) I do have to tell you, it is softer sometimes. Sometimes it hurts so much I don't think it will stop, that's still scary. I've learned to just go with it and feel what I need to feel and then I'm able to function again.

I wish you all peace, Dottie

[kathy714]

Hi Everyone,i am sorry i haven't posted in about 2 weeks,Nathan's birthday and angel date was jan31st,and i always get in a slump after,i have come on to read the post,there is so many inspiring words to read in here lately,by the time i finish reading,i feel better,and it is so late i go to bed...i want to thank everyone again for sending prayers before Nate's angel day.Atina it is so nice to hear from you,i always get so much inspiration when i read your post,it's good to see you back....Roslyn,it is also nice to have you back,i also enjoy reading your post,and thank you for your reply and prayers for Nate on his b'day/angel day....Claudia,i am so sorry about the young man who was badly injured while working on your house,i hope he will be ok,i am praying for him..Dear Laurie,Jennylinsmom i am so sorry for the loss of your daughter,and i understand how you are feeling,that fear of going out of your house,and not being able to even function,i took 6 months out of work,i was suppose to go back to work after a month,and there was no way,i still felt like Nate had just passed,i was still getting sympathy cards in the mail,the thought of Nate also occupied my mind 24/7 how could i possably work,but once i did finally go back i really think it did help,i still thought of Nate most of the time but it wasn't constant like when i was home.Take your time that first year is a blur,i remember those waves well and still get them,but a little less often,where they take my breath away and i feel i can't breath,and then the tears come...Just keep coming here and you will find support,everyone here understands ,we are all walking down that same sad road...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[txlouise]

Hi,I am a member here and just open up a new message board for parents that have lost children or young adults.It is a wonderful board.all the parents are so close .we laugh and cry and talk about our beautiful children.You have to apply to join,but it is easy to do and you will get right in after you apply.It has given me and a lot of mom's and dad's comfort and hope.Please come visit.Thank you,Louise

http://childlossgrief.proboards92.com/index.cgi

[picklesmom]

5 years ago this last Oct.10 my daughtr passed away .

She was on her way to work and a drunk ran her off thr road , she died instantly,, I was'nt able to "let her go' I had no clue how to allow her to continue on her journey, but the other nite a very gental, loving and comforting feeling came to me , the first I've had in 5 years, at first I wanted to ignor the feeling but then I felt her energy all around me like a hug and I felt her wanting me to be ok and go on with whatever I am suppose to do while here , she has learned all she was to learn and taught all she was supoose to teach and we will meet again when our paths cross further down the path. Go free on new paths Returning.Thank You for the 21 years of Blessings and memories . Love Mom

[shirleybjsmom]

Hi picklesmom

my name is shirley i'm bj's mom if you've read anything on the loss of a teenager i'm there bj was 16 when he lost his life from a car accident he was the driver his girlfriend was with him that night and no other people were involed she has recovered from the injuries she recieved. well i think only on the outside we don't no what goes on inside, to stand back and think about that night and the horrible ordeal bj and her went through theres no way she ever could. but i wanted to tell you that i fell the same about the peace that has come over me don't miss understand i miss him so much but to know without a doubt that he is in the Lords hands how could you not have this peace

talk soon shirley

[4everjoeysmom]

Picklesmom & Shirley, Prasie God you both have found that peace. You're right! It doesn't make the journey on this side any easier, but it does give us comfort in knowing our babies are well and waiting fir us--that we WILL see them when our journey here ends. Isn't that peace an amazing thing?! We think how can we possibly have a moment's peace ever again, and then all of a sudden, when we least expect it, there it is--an amazing gift. It's the one Hope we can hold onto, know that we will see the Son and our babies again. Blessings and Love to you both! -Claudia

[rhonda68]

Hi all, this is the last weekend I spent with my son Richard 2 years ago. After a great weekend, its Family Day Holiday here, he was hit by a semi the following evening and I never got to see him again. I remember last year being very painful at this time but this year my head is filled with happy memories of him so maybe thats a start. All I can say is that I have been in a large fog over the last 2 years don't even know where I have been. I have realized something about my grief, I think if people would have been supportive to me I would have made out better. But NO all they could do is put me down for my feelings, tell me to move on ect. So I have moved on from them I have my feelings and know I am normal, its just alot of heartache you have with you and it will take along time to heal and cope, why wouldn't it we loved our babies more than anything. Over the last month a couple of friends shared some memories of Richard with me and it was very healing to me. Also watch out for some counsellors they do more damage than good sometimes unless you can find a really good one. I have found beyond indigo a source of hope for me (its really the only place people really understand.) Also I have found some great friends who have also lost children and we share our grief, in talking with others that can walk with you is a very healing process you can talk about your child and no one is telling you that you shouldnt be doing that (it feels so good to talk about my son) If anyone wishes to visit his website please do

http://www3.telus.net/public/rh0nda/

Blessed is that name NOW FOREVER & ALWAYS RICHARD JAMES BENNETT

Richards Mom

[ericasmom]

Hello All,

I have been catching up adn reading posts that I have not been able to read. Many people going through the slump of anniversaries, and of course I fully understand that and I pray that you find tomorrow a better day. The fog Rhonda speaks of here is like another time zone, another address. In some ways the fog protects you, when it wears off the light can be harsh but it can also be warming and renewing. It is a balance to find where we can function in this new light.

I am so glad for the Momma that after 5 years has felt the peace that her daughter has sent. How wonderful that you have received this and know it is what she wants for you. I hope that each day now finds you with new energy and purpose.

Two of you lost your babies on July 4th, Dottie and Bonnie. My girl, Erica left here on the 14th of July,2003, after being hit by a train on the 8th. I had dinner with her on the 3rd of July and she surprised me with a visit on teh 6th of July. I spoke with her on the 8th,during my after dinner walk, just a half hour before she was struck. For months I went out each night at the same time trying to recall each word of our conversation that evening. Finally, I had to give up some of pain in order to preserve some more of the sweet. I was so scared of losing the sharpness of memory for fear I would forget the details of Erica. I have found that she walks with me everywhere I am as she is always present in my heart, always here.

To those new to this and frightened about going out in public. I remember 3.5 years ago going to do the grocery shopping and crying down the aisles. I decided i could leave or I could stay and just let myself cry. I stayed, let my tears fall as they are bound to do. I am not embarassed by my tears but do not want to make others uncomfortable, and so if someone asks I just say I am grieving and thank you for your concern. As far as going back to work, it is so hard to know when and if it is time. Do you work somewhere where you can post a message here when you are feeling most vulnerable? Do you have a plan in place with your employer for shortened days, or breaks built in to the day to allow you time to adjust slowly? Try to write down what you think you will need in order to get through a few days of work. Be realistic, if half days are what you feel you could give at this time, see if that is doable for a week or so. Everyone's time table is different. Some of us could not go back for some lengthened time, some changed jobs after losing their child, and some of us went back quickly out of necessity for a paycheck or for the need to be busy. I went back to teaching when the school year began and so I had a month and a half of summer break left after Eri died. Going back was scary, but it was mighty healing. I had a bit of a plan, I would call my husband if I was overwhelmed, and I would ring the office if I needed crying time. I work for good people and so I am lucky. They would send someone up to give me some private time.

No matter where you are in your journey, be kind to yourselves, we expend a great deal of mental energy each day in dealing with life after we lose one of our babies. Each day a new chance to grow some hope.

Dee

[janeensmom]

Dear friends, I am in a very dark place right now. The pain is so intense. Tomorrow is Janeen's birthday 2-19-72. She would have been 35...wow! Please keep me in your prayers....hugs, Vikki

[messenger]

DEAR JANEENSMOM,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,MY SONS BIRTHDAY WAS THE 17TH..HE PASSED IN JUNE OF 05...I WILL BE KEEPING YOU IN MY PRAYERS TODAY..YOU WILL BE FINE..SHE WILL BE WATCHING OVER YOU..I PRAY..........SHE WILL LEAVE YOU WITH MANY SIGNS..BUY SOME BALLOONS AND BRING THEM TO HER GRAVE........TALK TO HER..AND LET THEM GO..SHE WILL SEE THEM!!!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU CAN FEEL SOME PEACE TODAY

LOVE MESSENGER

[ashleysmom]

Vikki, My thoughts are with you today on Janeen's 35th birthday. May she have a happy birthday in Heaven. May you have peace.

Messenger, I'm sorry I missed your son's birthday. I hope you had some peace in your son's memories.

Rhonda, I am thinking of you during this tough time. I pray Richard will be with you and bring you peace.

Dottie

[kathy714]

Dear Janeensmom,you and your daughter will be in my thoughts and prayers today on her 35th birthday.I'm sending prayers that you will find the strength to get through today...T/C Kathy,Nate'smom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i was thinking of you knowing it is getting close to Richards angel date,you mention how you have been in a fog these past 2 years,i just today told my husband,that i feel like life stopped when Nate passed,time has stood still and i am stuck in this nightmare wishing i could wake up. I will be thinking of you on your son's angel day.....T/C Kathy.Nate's mom 4 ever

[4everjoeysmom]

Ericasmom, your words of wisdom from experience are so well said. Thank you.

Janeensmom, May the Lord give you comfort & strength today as your love for Janeen guides you in memory and celebration of the day she was born to you.

Messenger, Happy belated birthday to your son. I'm sorry I too missed it. I hope the day brought you many happy memories...

Natesmom, There is no time in heaven--only here. Be comforted in knowing that as time seems to slowly go by here, the day you see Nate again it will seem to him like the blink of an eye. When we can find that place in knowing our babies are well--just living fully somewhere else (not sad, or in pain, or anything but perfect joy), we can find a little more assurance to live ourselves. Our children would not want us to stop living. I truly believe that, as hard as it is to go on without them. I pray that your love and memories of Nate will "enable" you to live and not disable you. Hugs & love to all, Claudia

[4everjoeysmom]

Richardsmom, Praying for you as Friday comes... Blessings & Love, Claudia

[picklesmom]

To Janeensmom,

Vickie my thoughts are with you , Love and Light Katha

pickesmom

[picklesmom]

Thank You Shirley and Claudia

[mom2angels]

{{{Vicki}}} ~ My candle is lit in honor of Janeen's 35th birthday today, and my thoughts and prayers are with you that you will be surrounded by beautiful memories of your precious daughter and find peace and comfort in them.

{{{Pickle's Mom}}} ~ Welcome to our forum family. What a blessing to have found this peace and understanding at last. I look forward to getting to know you and your daughter.

{{{Rhonda}}} ~ So glad that the fog is lifting finally for you. You sound so much stronger, and I am grateful for this for you. I will light a candle for Richard on the 23rd and send prayers of peace and comfort for you.

{{{HUGS}}} to everyone ~ May you feel your beloved children very near you and hold them in your dreams ~ Know that I pray for you daily ~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[daveydow1]

Janeensmom, Vickie

Peace and comfort to you today, your dear daughter,

Janeen's 35th birthday. May your memories of your

sweet girl bring you tranquility.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Kathy714,

I hope that you are feeling somewhat better now.

These bad days can just blindside us, can't they?

My prayers are with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[ronsmom]

Well I've just read this pages post, I have to admit I love to read and see where everyone is and whats going on with your lives as we all get through this. Some of you are so helpful, you will never know how much listening to all of you feels to me. Your keeping me alive with some of the positive talks, and advice, and just the warmth that comes through these "letters".....thank you all!

DEE: I so relate to your latest post. About going to work, I started a new job 2 weeks after losing Ronnie. I lasted 6 mos. Most of which were HELL......I quit. Then I sat at home for over a year and that seemed to be okay til I realized that I was hiding out from the world and I was losing my sanity, and myself. I was almost afraid to get out and drive away, I felt safe in my little home and didn't want to see any people. I've lost friends and some family too because the poor souls just can't handle "seeing me upset" or "know what to say and do"......gee I feel so sorry for Them! (ahem)

Anyhow, I recently forced myself to get out and start working. I am lucky to have found a place that has light hours and will place no pressure on me. Also it seems the bosses here are understanding as incredibly there are 2 other mothers in "our club" who work here as well. So now I really do have a little support nearby. Not to mention the friends I have found right here on BI.......

Life is different. I'm learning to live with that. I will never live comfortably with it and the pain will always be with me. That void, or empty feeling inside......"somethings missing". I still think its a horrible nightmare, and I guess it really is! Just a living one for me and my family.

To all of you who have angel dates coming, birthdays and all the other dates that used to have such loving emotions in them, I feel for you all. They are hard, no doubt. But you will go through them, it doesn't really hurt anymore than it does now. Its just always going to be this way. I hope you all get a little sense of peace during these days that have so much meaning and memories in them. I light candles for all of us all of the time. I will always remember the losses I've seen and felt in here at BI, my heart goes out to all of you.........

blueskies to you today

Bonnie

[ericasmom]

Dear Bonnie,

I am thankful for your new friends, thankful for your meeting them and happy for them to have met you as well. So funny, we want noone else to have this kind of tragedy in their lives and yet we are so connected to them when we meet them, and we do each other so much good. I do believe it is the work of angels, our very own angels.

Janeensmom, may you be filled with your daughter's love.

Claudia, thank you for your kind words, and for all you give to everyone here.

Kathy, hold tight to yourself, you may be stuck, but it is scary to get unstuck, it may involve letting go of some of the pain, and really, some of that pain is our personal connection to our memories. I may be worong, but I know that for myself, I had to work hard to let some of the horror go, work hard to quit reenacting the night...sure it is always there whenever, but I had to stop putting it in front of my face each daysee past some of it to get a bit unstuck. ONce I did this, I felt better, I felt the joyous pieces of mylife with Erica more often. Somehow i had to let the sharpness of the pain subside some in order to take in all of the good. I will never live as I would if Eri was here, but I will do my best to live my very best life in light of all I holdin my heart, and all that left so early, and all that is left.

Peace for all time,

Dee

[4everjoeysmom]

Hi Dee, Thnak you for your encouragement. I believe what you have written is so very true. Most often we are afraid to let go of our pain, because somehow we sense that if we do, we will lose a part of ourselves in the process of healing--our children that we have loved and lost. My reality, like yours is that I have found that by letting go of some of that pain, there is healing and the ability to reflect on the best of times in our hearts and memories. We can truly find some joy and the ability to live life more fully. There is no question life is different, but it doesn't have to be so gripping that it robs us of the ability to live. I know without a doubt that our children would not want us to be paralyzed by our pain.

I would like to share a piece of my daily devotional from this morning, which I found profoundly fitting...

---------------------------------

Chronicled in the fifth chapter of the Gospel of John is an account of Jesus's interaction with a paralytic man sitting beside the pool of Bethesda. It was commonly believed that when the waters of the pool stirred an angel was present, and anyone who entered the water would be healed. Thus, many would gather by pools such as this waiting for their opportunity to be healed. We are told that this man at the pool of Bethesda had been ill for 38 years. The scene is one of desperation; one can only imagine how many years had past as this man watched and waited, leaving each day exactly as he came. Yet Jesus approached this dismal scene and posed the oddest of questions. To the man on the mat, he asked, "Do you want to get well?"

The question seems redundant at best, maybe even offensive. And yet, this man bound by illness for 38 years does not reply with the resounding "yes!" we might expect. In fact, he does not even answer the question. Holding fast to his identity as a paralytic, he explains his condition by blaming those around him. "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me" (John 5:7).

Jesus's question pointed to something in this man's life that went much deeper than paralysis of the body. Do you want to get well? Has your medicine become your malady? Do you now prefer your pain? Your true illness, Jesus seems to say, reaches far beyond your physical malady. We are in need of a cure that is much more holistic. By this pool, we are shown a truth common to the human condition: seldom do we know the depths of our own illness.

But there is one who does. Christ calls our maladies into question and points to the way out. One question remains: Do you want to get well?

----------------------

I think this is a very deep question that each one of us faces. How we answer is the difference that marks our path to true healing... Love & Hugs, Claudia