Loss of an Adult Child

[ashleysmom]

To all in New England. I live in NH, just 20min. from the Maine border. I think it would be really nice to meet all of you. This forum has been my lifeline. Let me know, Love, Dottie

[erinnzmom]

Kathy Dottie, Brenda, Stu,and any that are in New England that want to meet let's go for it! This time of year is really hard for all of us. I didn't realize there was so many of us in New England I'm sure that we can find a central spot that we can meet before the snow flies....

Hugs and prayers

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[ronsmom]

Hi Everyone: I was reading your posts about trying to set up a meeting with each other...I so reccomend that! I\'ve met several people here who I would love to meet in person. I have met One already, and it was wonderful, the connection was so real because of what were going through. No holds barred! I\'m meeting another couple soon in Nevada, and I can\'t wait to be with them for a few hours, we\'ve been talking so much and we have so much in common because of this horrible bond. It just makes it so nice to talk freely to those you know who care...hence the reason we all come in HERE!!! Good luck to you guys in getting together in Maine, and please let us all know the outcome. I can tell you it will be worth the travel to be \"together\"....

I wanted to share something with you all, it was sent to me right after I lost my Ronnie, and I just found it among other letters I\'ve saved, but its a beautiful thought, hope I don\'t take up too much space:

To YOU: If we are alive, we cannot escape loss. Loss is a part of real life. Have you ever thought, when something dreadful happens, a moment ago things were not like this; let it be Then not Now, anything but Now? And you try and try to remake Then but you know you can\'t. So you try to hold the moment quite still and not let it move on or show itself.

Today might be tough for you, You might not want the next moment to show itself, to reveal the twists and turns of lifes mystery. But at least you have it. You still have life. A choice as to how you will live this precious day.

Don\'t wish it away. Don\'t waste it. For the love of all thats holy, redeem one hour. Hold it close. Cherish it. Above all be grateful for it. Let your thanksgiving rise above the din of disappointment-opportunities lost, mistakes made, the clamor of all that has not yet come.

And if today is so horrendous that the gift doesn\'t seem worth acknowledging; if you can\'t find one moment to enjoy, one simple pleasure to savor, one friend to call, oner person to love, one thing to share, one smile to offer; if life is so difficult you don\'t want to bother living it to the fullest, then don\'t live today for yourself.

Live it for the child you lost.

That was sent to me by a close friend a long time ago when I didn\'t think I would take one more minute to breathe. I\'m still trying to find reasons to keep staying here on this earth, as the rest of you are, but there are reasons, just look around you.

blueskies everyone,

Bonnie

[brknhrt]

Dear Bonnie,

What a wonderful thought to share. Thanks for posting it here. I really needed that today.

[philipsmom]

Bonnie those are beautiful thoughts you shared with all of us. Thank you.

My husband and I are the couple Bonnie and her husband are going to meet in a few weeks. I am so looking forward to it. I know it will be very theraputic for all of us. I hope all of you in the New England area will really try to connect.

A boy two years younger than my Philip was shot to death by a "crazy" neighbor two nights ago. I know who the family is (through school) but have never really talked to them. I haven't been able to stop thinking about what they are going through. It's only been a little over 7 months since we lost Philip and this new death just brings back all those memories of the first few weeks.

All these young deaths is so sad.

This has been a great place to come to when I've needed some comfort. I haven't written much but I've been reading everything. Bonnie (Ronsmom) and I have been emailing for a few months and that has been so helpful for both of us. I think the one on one connection is very healing. I strongly encourage all of you to find someone to "talk" to one on one. My email box is always open and I'm sure there are others that would love to "talk" also. It's a hard road we are on but one that can be made a little easier with each other.

Nancy, Philip's mom 4ever

[mikesmomrs]

Hi everyone: I am also from New Hampshire, and though I am new to this "neighborhood," I think the idea of people close by meeting is really a good one. This Saturday marked the one month anniversary of our precious son's death...that was truly the most awful day of our lives. My husband has a tough time EVERY Saturday, and this one was only exceeded in pain by the first one. My week has been pretty bad, and I guess it was because I knew this "date" was coming. I know so many of you are out there in the 6th month, 10th month, 16th month, etc., and even though it is further out, still you weep sometimes as though it was yesterday. Still we grieve. I know you have all told me that the time will indeed get "softer," but for now, my heart is in a million pieces and though the many, many memories we have of our son DO offer us comfort, the thoughts that those memories are the ONLY ones we will have make us weep. Each time I go out, I pass places where we were together, reminded of things we did together, and the tears come. Today was really bad, as we had some shopping we had to do, and the stores are all "dressed" for Christmas. Last winter, I was flat on my back for 10 weeks, over Thanksgiving and Christmas, and somehow I knew that I HAD to struggle through and still celebrate those holidays, that they would likely be the last ones we would have with Mike, and of course, they were. I am SO thankful that God gave me the strength to prepare for and celebrate those days, so that more memories could be created, to help us survive now.

Also, a close friend of mine at work, lost his granddaughter yesterday. She is only five years old, and was diagnosed with cancer less than two months ago! Please keep him and his family in your prayers. My heart aches for them...I feel as though my heart is sore, almost like when you cry too much and your chest hurts and your head aches from it. I apologize for my post being so long, but this week and this day have just been awful and I so needed to come here and let some of this pain out, to a place where I will not be chastised for "still" feeling as though I can't breathe when I think of my son's face, when I want so much to touch him again that my fingers ache. You all understand, you all have been there, are there, and care. Thank you so much. Love to all and god bless. Carol

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}}

Today, Veteran’s Day, is Michael’s 37th birthday, the fourth one we have celebrated without his physical, Earthly presence. All day and night, his room has been aglow with candlelight. I have been tending to his waterfall and garden, and he has sent me hummingbirds, hawks, and visions of his face in the clouds. A single red rose is growing on the frail, weak bush beneath Jon’s bedroom window, as it always does on these special occasions.

The weather has been overcast, with the sun peeking through the clouds occasionally. The air is cool, with the scent of rain. As I began my prayer for Michael this morning, the clouds were obscuring the sun. The instant I prayed, sunlight burst through the window, and the room was bathed in brilliant radiance. Within a few minutes following the conclusion of my prayer, the clouds gathered again, and the sunlight faded.

Due to Michael’s condition, he wasn’t able to be in direct sunlight, and his blinds and curtains were always lightly drawn to avoid the sun’s brightness. After Michael passed, my husband and I opened all of the curtains in his hospital room, and he was washed in sunlight. One of Michael’s favorite songs was “Here Comes The Sun,” by George Harrison, which we played at Michael’s service.

So, the appearance of the glorious sunlight in the room, when I began my prayer for Michael today, conveyed a powerful message that he is here with me always.

I cry because I miss his physical presence, and that is because I am still a physical being. In every way possible, Michael has gifted me with the awareness that our spirits are connected for eternity – an unfathomable amount of time. He has shown me that our connection is not tied to the Earth, and that our time together in the physical realm is limited, whereas our time together as spirits is limitless.

On Michael’s birthday, he gave me gifts of the Spirit. He has the freedom now to do incredible things, things I can’t imagine possible in the physical state; yet I know they can be done, because he’s demonstrated this over and over again to me. In his body, he suffered some type of physical pain all of his life, while smiling and inspiring every one who knew him. Free of that vessel now, he soars among the angels surrounded by God’s Perfect Love, Light, and Peace.

There is my comfort, when the Earth-bound me despairs and yearns to be with Michael. He his happy, whole, and FREE. I rejoice for him.

Happy Birthday, my precious angel, Michael!

I have been reading here daily and praying for every one of you. I think it's wonderful that so many of you are planning to get together and wish that it were feasible for me to join in. Please know that my candles are lit for you and that I pray for your peace and comfort every day. Blessings upon you all~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[alwaysmyjennifer]

I've been through a lot of dark time lately. Jenni's adoptive parents and I talked about the paperwork we needed to file, and we chose to not witness Jenni's killer's death. I thought about his mother, crying while she mourns his death - she's just like me, a parent who lost a child. Have I changed? I can't support his death.

For those planning the meetings, you have come up with a fantastic idea! I'm a big apple boy, close to New England. This sounds like a perfect thing. I do hope you are all well, and enjoying the weekend. I keep prayer for all. Mark

[kathy714]

Mom2angels,I am sending you a BIG Happy Birthday wish to your son Micheal.Your discription of your day really touched me,it reminded me so much of the signs my son Nate sent to me on my son Kevin's wedding day and Kev's 30th birthday,two big days that i know my Nathan never would of missed ,and he made sure i knew he was there....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[robsmom]

THE LAST FEW DAYS HAVE BEEN TERRIBLE. I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT ROB. EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE HIM, HIS MOUTH, HIS HANDS IT'S JUST HORRIBLE. I KNOW JUST WHAT YOU MEAN WHEN YOU SAY YOUR HEART HURTS. IT REALLY DOES. AND NOT BEING ABLE TO BREATHE DOESN'T HELP EITHER. I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO REACH OUT AND TOUCH HIM AND SEE HIS BEAUTIFUL FACE WITH THE BIG BROAD SMILE. ROB WAS THE GENTLE GIANT. THANKSGIVING IS COMING, WE ARE GOING TO KERRI'S (MY DAUGHTER)i REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO I WANT TO HAVE IT AT MY HOUSE BUT EVERYONE ELSE THINKS IT WILL BE BETTER NOT TO BE HERE. MAYBE THEY'RE RIGHT.

MIKESMOMRS:

i SYMPATHIZE WITH YOU ONE MONTH, EVERYTHING FOR YOU IS SO RAW AND NEW. I WILL SAY A PRAYER FOR YOU AND YOUR FAMILY. I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER THE FIRST MONTH AFTER ROB DIED AS A MATTER OF FACT I HAVE A HARD TIME REMEMBERING YESTERDAY I FEEL LIKE I'M WALKING IN A FOG OR LOOKING THROUGH FOGGY GLASSES.

ROB LOVED CHRISTMAS, HE WOULD SPEND A LOT OF MONEY ON LIGHTS TO DECORATE THE OUTSIDE OF THE HOUSE AND I PLAN ON DOING THE SAME THING THIS YEAR. BUT THE THOUGHT OF IT IS SO PAINFUL THAT ALL I DO IS CRY.

MAMABETS:

HOW ARE YOU DOING? THANK YOU FOR YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT. MY HUSBAND SEEMS TO BE A LITTLE BETTER OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS BUT I KNOW THAT WON'T LAST VERY LONG. I AM THE ONE THAT ISN'T DOING GOOD FOR THE PAST FEW DAYS. I WENT TO A BRIDAL SHOWER YESTERDAY BECAUSE I'M GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS AND TRYING TO ACT LIKE I'M DOING OK. HALFWAY THROUGH I STARTED TO GET THAT FEELING LIKE I WAS GOING TO SCREAM AND I JUST WANTED TO RUN.

ROBERT WAS GOING WITH A GIRL FOR FIVE YEARS AND HAD PLANNED TO GIVE HER A RING THIS PAST SUMMER. YESTERDAY AS I WAS SITTING AT THIS SHOWER I WAS THINKING THIS SHOULD BE JODY AND ROBS SHOWER AND HOW UNFAIR THIS WHOLE THIS IS. MY HEART HURTS A LOT TODAY.

LORRAINE-ROBSMOM

[maskott]

Michael...HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! May the sun continue to shine in your room.

[mamabets]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHAEL!!! You and your family are ALL an inspiration to each one of us here...

We are proud to know you and to love you!

Know that we will celebrate you every day when we look in our garden, OK??

I love you!! xoxoxmamabets

[daveydow1]

Mom2Angels,

A Happy Birthday to dear Michael. Your post was so

very touching. Thank you for sharing. Peace & Light

to you and your family.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

For Mark,

I certainly can understand your decision.

My prayers are with you, and may you find

peace and tranquility somehow.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Mikesmomrs,

I am sorry for your loss of your son. One month is so

very recent--like living in a painful "netherworld" of

some sort. I hope that you can come back to BI and post

or read whenever you can. People here are understanding

and sympathetic, and there's always a kind word for us.

My son, Davey, died 6/14/03 in a highway crash. This

site has been a lifeline for me. Please come and be with

us here at BI. It makes this hard road we're on a bit

easier. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom,

Sherry

[ashleysmom]

Happy Birthday in Heaven Michael!! Roslyn, A beautiful "hello" from Michael! Thank you for sharing that with us. Love, Dottie

[ashleysmom]

Mark, a tough decision. No one was responsible for Ashley's death, so I can't say what I would do, but I hope that I would be able to think of his mother as well. You are very compassionate. Prayers and peace to your family and you, Love, Dottie

[mom2angels]

{{{Friends}}}~

Thank you so much Kathy, Betty Ann, Betsy, Sherry, and Dottie for your kind wishes and thoughts on Michael's birthday. I made him a pumpkin pie in lieu of a cake, as that was something he enjoyed and was able to eat before he was fed via Gtube. We put candles in the pie and sang "Happy Birthday" to him. All of Michael's gifts to us allowed us to feel close to him and softened our sadness in our physical separation from him.

Hello and Welcome to some of our newer members ~ Bonnie/Ron'smom, Elizabeth/MyJenn, Shuugar/James Mom, Anita/Sally'smom, Messenger, Rob'sMom, Brenda/Illegalsmile-Derek'smom,

and Carol/Mike'smom. I apologize if I've missed anyone. Although I haven't been able to post as often as I would like to do, I do read daily, and I pray for each of you as I read your messages. The intense pain you are feeling, the fogginess, the difficulty in socializing or being motivated, all of your sorrows are common to each of us here.

In the early phases of your grieving, you will wonder whether it will ever be less consuming and wrenching. It does not and will not seem so to you now, but as you develop your coping mechanisms, you will discover that you will adjust and adapt. You will learn to incorporate your grief into your living.

No one is ever prepared for a child's death. Since my sons were born with a disabling condition, I thought that I had prepared myself for their loss. While I expected Michael to pass before me, as well as his brother, Jon, I had no idea how extraordinarily difficult it would be until after he did pass. I have grieved for many people, but grieving for my son is completely different. It is more complex, multi-layered, and heart-rending than any other loss I have experienced.

Be gentle with and good to yourselves. I always urge everyone to eat healthy foods, drink plenty of water, exercise outdoors preferably, and take vitamins and supplements, because grieving for your child is extremely stressful, which compromises your physical health. The healtier your body is, the better you will be able to cope.

You may find that others do not understand the magnitude of your grief, because we belong to a very private club, where membership is the highest price anyone could ever pay. The complicated nature of our grieving is beyond the comprehension of anyone who has not lost a child. The best way to deal with others who don't understand is to remember that they don't understand. It is still frustrating, and it still hurts, but thoughtless comments are less sharp, when you remember that the person saying it is clueless.

So, one of the best things you can do is visit here, where we all understand and share similar experiences and feelings. I wish that I had found the wonderful support here in the earlier days of my grief journey.

Mark~ What a difficult situation for you. To answer your question, yes, I'm sure you have changed, as none of us remains the same after our children die. Your compassion for the mother of Jenni's killer reflects that bond we share with other parents. I think this shows healing for you, as painful as it is. My thoughts turn to those Amish parents, who immediately forgave the man responsible for their children's deaths and reached out to his family. That kind of strength and faith is inspiring. May you be at peace with your decision. How is your lovely wife?

My candle is lit and my prayers are being lifted up for everyone who visits here that God will grant you peace and comfort today and everyday, and that you will feel your children's presence very near and hold them in your dreams~ May You Be Blessed~

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[kathy714]

They say God gives us what we need,Well i have been so depressed lately,about everything,the holidays aren't helping,so the other day i was walking my dog,and i thought of Nate's best friend Will ,who lived with us for a year, i know he has also been down,he lost his job ,his girl,and i think alot has to do with him missing Nate,He lives around the corner,but won't come here because he can't handle it...So as i was walking my dig ,i thought i should just go over and give him a hug,he will understand how i feel,and i am sure he could use a hug,..but i didn't,Two days later he called and asked how i was,and asked if he could come over.I was so glad to see him and i also was able to give most of Nate's clothes,I told him to please take them,i know Nate would want him to have them ,because they always shared when he lived here...I just wanted to share some of the ways our children show us that they are still here with us ...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Robsmom,i know exactely how you feel,for some reason i feel even worst this year,i want to dig a big hole and just climb in it,and maybe come out in the spring.I wish i had some videos to watch,i only have one with his voice as he was taping our puppies,just before he he passed,i sat here today playing it over and over just to hear his voice.I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time,it does really take your breath away...I loss my son Nathan,Jan,31,2005,on his 21st birthday,so our angel dates are close,yours a year after me,last year for christmas i decorated my tree all silver and blue,silver for our tears and the blue for how we felt....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[heartbrokendad]

Hi,

I am in Cambridge Ma, I go to Brunswick to be with the woman I love each weekend, I would love to meet with all of you New Englaners, lets set a time and date, and we can meet at my place in Brunswick, or go for dinner at a local restaurant....how is next Sunday the 19th of November, or the day after thanksgiving?

[mamabets]

For All~ The new England party sounds so awesome!!! I am so proud of you all, take LOTSSSSSSSSSSSS of pics, and know that Danny and I are always with each of you, by "HEART"... I love you~xoxomamabets

[rhonda68]

Hello All how nice that some of you live close together and are meeting each other. I would Love to meet you but I live quite far away and just couldnt afford it. I wish we could meet daily.

Kathy,

I think I understand where you are at right now. I have been feeling very depressed, I took a sick leave from my job again just can't handle it. The people at work have treated me horribly since this happened. My intention is to find a new job. I sit here and I just cry and cry for my Richard my heart aches so bad. I also just recieved legal papers that the semi truck driver is sueing me for killing my son, I am just sick. I am just sick of this stupid world. My other son has been very hard on me lately as well grade 12 and what a struggle trying to get him to finish. One night I got a bottle of gravel and I was going to take the works I took about 5 pills and chickened out I want to be here for my younger son. I don't know how I will ever go on and keep facing this painful old world.

Richards Mom

[eriksmom]

Our loss is very recent - three weeks ago today. Our son had epilepsy, which is not supposed to be fatal but rarely, it is. He had a seizure in his sleep and I found him in the morning when I went in to wake him up for his pills. He was 22 years old. Because he had some special needs (autism), he was a big part of our lives. We helped him get through medical problems, through school and to get a job, which is was so, so proud to have and he was doing so well. We have gone through so many emotions - anger, guilt (because we were always able to protect him), emptiness, deadening sadness. And it comes in waves. Some days are tolerable. Yesterday was the worst my husband and I had. We felt like we were in a big, black hole that we couldn't crawl out of. It actually felt like there was a weight on my chest and I couldn't breath. We try to pull it together for our younger son, who is 17. But we know we are acting.

Some of you are a year or two ahead of us in this process. If it continues like this - one decent day followed by one that we can barely endure - I don't know if we can go on. We went to Compassionate Friends but it was probably too soon. It just made us feel ten times worse to hear so many other people in pain. We know Erik would not want us to be so sad - he was very empathetic and didn't like us to not always be happy. And, we always thought there was a chance we would outlive Erik because of his health problems but we never, never thought it would be so soon. When he was so happy, and at the height of his achievements.

When people ask how we are, we say "Oh, we're doing okay." Because that's really what they want to hear. But the answer is, "I don't have a clue how I am doing."

Eriksmom

[mom2angels]

Kathy~ It certainly seems that Nate brought you and Will together. I hope that wearing Nate's clothes will change Will's outlook and luck and that he will find a new job and girlfriend soon. The Second Year -- I know it was true for me, and I think it's true for many of us, that the second year is exceptionally difficult. We survived all of the "firsts." Now, reality sets in. I didn't want to "leave" 2003, because that was the last year that Michael lived on Earth. Also, I feel that others, who aren't walking this path, perceive that we made it through the first year, so now we're automatically fine. Hence, support begins to fall away from us in our circle of friends and family. I pray that that rock of grief in your pocket becomes lighter with each day. How is your dear husband feeling? I pray daily for his healing.

Stu and all New Englanders~ My heart will be right next to Betsy's at your party. So you all have to give each other 2 extra hugs from each of us! As Betsy said, please take lots of pictures! There are many places on the internet where you can post an album of photos, so that we can all see them. Be sure to let us know the date of your gathering when you firm up your plans.

Rhonda~ I'm sorry to hear that things have not improved at your job, and I think it's wise that you took a leave and are looking for a new job. Perhaps being away from the negativity in your job will strengthen you. Why is the truck driver suing you, and do you have a good lawyer? Please resist the temptation to take your life. I'm sure Richard wouldn't want you to do that nor to leave your younger son, who needs you and is going through a tough time. Stick with us; we'll help you through.

Eriksmom~ Welcome to our forum family. I am so very sorry for the loss of your precious son, Erik. Three weeks is so early in the grieving process, and we often refer to the pain during this time as fresh, raw, and new. Everything you are experiencing feels unfamiliar but is very typical for grieving parents. You will have tolerable and terrible days for quite awhile. Glean all you can from the tolerable days to give you strength for those days in the big, black hole. You will become award-winning actors to the rest of the world, while privately, you and your husband will grieve profusely. In time, you will learn ways to cope, and the intensity of your anguish will be less severe.

Both of my sons were born with special needs (see my Profile) and developed epilepsy in early childhood. Michael's seizures were intractable for 22 years, and their escalation contributed as the underlying cause of his death. Jonathan's seizures are controlled with medication, but as you know, that can change. His seizures are always status and life-threatening. My heart goes out to you. I truly understand what you are going through, including the expectation of outliving your son.

Keep your eyes, ears and hearts open for signs from Erik. Many of us here talk about the numerous ways our children connect with us from the other side, and that contact is comforting and reassuring. I strongly recommend reading "Hello From Heaven," by Bill and Judy Guggenheim. Erik has physically left you, but his spirit is with you always.

{{{HUGS}}} to everyone~ My prayers are with you, and my candle is burning for you and your children.

Love & Light,

Roslyn

[erinnzmom]

Stu,

Sorry to say that I'm working 3a to 3p both of those days could meet after my shift was over though since I work in Brunswick. How does it work for every one else?

Laurie

Always,

Erinnzmom

[namarella]

Roslyn, thank you for your words of encouragement and hope. I check in here now and then and always find something to hold onto. Like so many others, we're counting off the days, weeks and months (10 months tomorrow), hoping that the further away we get from the day we lost our son, the easier the burden will be. In many ways, this is true as the pain isn't as sharp or quick. But in other ways, the grief becomes part of our new lives and changes everything.

My husband and I both dreamed of Eric this weekend - my dream was so real it woke me up - and what I sensed was his regret for leaving his life behind so soon. He loved so much about this world and now I tend to see things through his eyes, as he would have seen them. He’s still so much with us - I wish I could make sense of this feeling of closeness to our son, yet missing him dreadfully. And Kathy, Nate’s mom, I know what you mean about your son’s friends...it helps us so much to do something for Eric’s friends. Our kids somehow continue to live through their friends, through us. (Still, what I wouldn’t give for one of Eric’s cheery e-mails!). Peace to everyone here, Colleen (Eric’s mom)

[daveydow1]

For Eriksmom--Colleen,

I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Erik.

It's so hard to find any words of comfort to

someone who is so very new on this journey of

grief. I hope that you will continue to come here

to BI to read/post whenever you can. I don't think

there is anywhere else that you could find such

understanding, love, and support as you will find

here. We are all on this unwanted road, and try as

much as possible to say a word or two of understanding,

that might give a little ray of light. Here, you are

in the company of broken hearts who all have hope.

Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[angelzone]

For those of you who live in and around the Boston area there is an incredible resource for you.

fst.org

Simeon Stefanidakis, the resident medium is simply incredible. I've had the most healing of anything I have done since my son died five years ago. It takes someone brave to be open and our healing is really up to us.

Take care

[robsmom]

KATHY714

KATHY, I AM SO SORRY TO LOSE A CHILD IS ONE THING BUT TO LOSE HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY IS ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE. THANK YOU FOR LISTENING. I HAVE HEARD FROM A FEW FRIENDS OF MINE WHO HAVE LOST CHILDREN THAT THE SECOND YEAR IS PROBABLY WORST THAN THE FIRST BECAUSE THE SHOCK HAS WORN OFF AND REALITY HAS SET IN. I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT ANYTHING CAN BE WORSE THAN THIS.

WITH THANKSGIVING AND CHRISTMAS COMING AND JANUARY 20 LOOMING,LOOMING,LOOMING I AM HAVING A REALLY HARD TIME. YOU ARE SO VERY RIGHT WHEN PEOPLE SAY HOW ARE YOU DOING, YOU SAY OK BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT THEY EXPECT TO HEAR. WHEN REALLY WE WILL NEVER BE OK AGAIN BECAUSE LIFE AS WE KNEW IT IS OVER, GONE,WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

MY HEART AND MY PRAYERS GO OUT TO YOU AND ALWAY WILL.

TO ALL OF YOU WHO WILL BE MEETING IN NEW ENGLAND LOTS OF LOVE TO ALL OF YOU.

LORRAINE ROBSMOM

[aprilsmom]

Hello everyone- i am excited for you that live on the East coast that are getting together. I live in California and met with another mom and her husband from Beyond Indigo. We met at a mall between our two cities and it was a heartwarming experience. I have also spoken on the phone with Betsy and it was wonderful to hear the voice behind the postings. I guess what I'm trying to say is, "only parents know".

My precious middle daughter April was killed in a car accident November 17, 2004(Fri. will be two years) and her wedding anniversary was a few days ago. I too, thought the second year was even harder. Someone just said to me, "What doesn't kill you will make you stronger". I'm gonna be one tough cookie if that's true. The holidays were April's thing, she loved them, and so....I will do my best to celebrate them in her honor and for my two sons and other two daughters. We did not spend Thanksgiving or Christmas at home last year; it's important that I try this year or I may never do it. I hope and pray that each of you will find some peace during these days as well.

Take Care,

Renee

[kathy714]

Dear Rhonda,i am so sorry,and understand how you are feeling.I am also miserable at work,because even though everyone says they feel for me ,and they don't know how i go on every day,there actions don't show it.I really wish i could go back out on leave through the holiday's,i just don't want to be there,Yet i am afraid they will say i am using it for a excuse just to be off,they just don't get it,They have me on Thanksgiving night[7pm on thanksgiving night doesn't count as holiday on,and i'm on Christmas eve]ALSO...,Why are you being sued,that is awful,like you need this right now,My heart goes out to you ,you seem to have a lot on your plate.PLEASE try to find some kind of support,either through counciling or some kind of support group,you have your son who needs you,and family that loves you,Please talk to someone if you feel like taking your life,and you can always email me if you need to talk,you will be in my prayers...T/C Kathy,Nat'es mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

To those who want ot meet,i am working the weekend of the 19th,but am off the weekend after Thanksgiving,so that would work for me...I would love to meet up with everyone,and take pictures and bring pictures of our angels,..THANKS,Kathy,Nate's mom

[kathy714]

Dear Robsmom,thanks for your reply,it is hard the second year because everyone else has gotten over it so they just fiqured you did to,and honestly,like you said reality just starts to set in ,the shock wears off,and, I feel like ok,i don't want to play this game anymore,and i want my son back,and that just isn't going to happen.I think the hardest thing in the beginng,was as mom's we always fixed everything,if Nate would get in trouble i could always fix things,and with this no matter how much we yell scream,bargin,or cry,nothing will bring them back,this is final,no second chance.I son Nathan was found in a bank parking lot under a van,in 10 degree weather,after leaving a small neighbor hood bar with someone he didn't know.Medical examiner,stated cause of death accidental,hypothermima,and acholol intoxication,i feel differently,but it is a very long story...You will be in my prayers,that you find the strength and have some peace through all these differcult times...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[heartbrokendad]

erinnzmom,

I'm in Brunswick, we could meet after your shift on Saturday if you wish, let me know where and when..

stu

[julsmom]

To all who post - I just keep reading and get strength and hope and encouragement from your postings. I am trying to read Elizabeth Edwards "Saving Graces" and only succeed at reading a page or two at a time. I think of you as a birthday passes or the "anniversary" date of the death of your child. And we will all feel that empty chair syndrome as the holidays approach us. Your children, you and your grief do not go unnoticed to me even if I do not respond.

To all who are new - I am sorry for your loss. Know that you are surrounded on this site by caring people who, while we did not know your child, suffer and grieve with you as no one else can. For most of us there is a light at the end of that long tunnel, although it is never that same bright shining light that it once was, but we do come out on the otherside. I believe that Stu is a wonderful example of that.

To those on the East coast that are meeting - wonderful!!!!. If anyone is in mid-Ohio (Columbus, Dayton, Cincinnati) I would love it if we could find a place also to meet.

And on a final note, please keep my husband in your prayers, thoughts, meditations. He has been hospitalized again (November seems to be his month to go, since 2002, he has gone into the hospital in Nov. 3 times) with CHF. The docs are adjusting his meds but each episode and our unhealthy lifestyle keeps taking its toll.

Peace and comfort to all who post, Lynda

[alwaysmyjennifer]

Mom2angels, Roslyn, a lot of growing emotionally over the last fifteen months since I received confirmation of Jenni's death, and that she is in fact my child. Maybe I'm not even to a place where I can place all the words to this, but I don't want to be there when he dies, and I don't want his mother to grieve and feel the pain I feel, that we all feel here. I'm praying for you. Take good care of yourself. til then, Mark

[briansdad]

For those who live in the midwest who would like to meet. there is a National conference of Bereaved Parents in Chicago July 13-15

Here is a link to the information.

http://www.bereavedparentsusa.org/Gathering_2007.html

I'll be there

[daveydow1]

Aprilsmom,

I know what you mean about the 2nd year being so

terribly painful. I do hope your holiday gatherings

at home will go well. I have not had any holiday

celebrations here at home since Dave passed over,

and sometimes doubt I ever will again. We do, however,

go to our daughter's home for Thanksgiving. I feel

a bit more like decorating in a modest way this yr.

As you said, we go on for our other children and

their lives. I will be thinking and praying for you

on Nov. 17---- sweet April's angel day. Peace be with

you always.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Julsmom--Lynda,

Thoughts and prayers for your dear husband that

he may get well. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry

[mikesmomrs]

Hello to all: I too, would like to join you in this meeting being planned, and the weekend after Thanksgiving would also be better for me. I think it would be great to “put a face’ behind all the names we see. There are so many newcomers, just since I came on a short time ago. Welcome to you all, and my prayers and thoughts are with you all, every day.

Sherry, Daveysmom, Lorraine, Robsmom, thanks so much for your reply and encouragement. Kathy, Nate’s mom, thanks to you also and I know what you mean when you say you wanted to “fix” it all, but couldn’t. Betsy, Bonnie, thanks for reaching out. Eriksmom – welcome, and peace be too you. And to ALL of you, our prayers are with you. You all seem like an extension of myself because we share so much of the same pain. I cannot comprehend how the world continues to spin, with so much heartache threaded through it from the pain being felt by parents who have lost a child!

Mark, you are such an inspiration—you do truly embody the spirit of the members of this “club” when you say you do not want his mother to suffer, because she too is a parent. Bless you!

Julsmom, Lynda, prayers for your husband’s return to health, and for strength for you to help him get there!

We attended the wake of my friend’s 6 yo granddaughter tonight, and it was so very sad. Our attendance at this wake coincided with the one month (Oct 14) anniversary of the passing of our own son, and it was SO difficult attending this wake...seeing these parents beginning this journey of incredible sadness and heartache.

This has been SUCH a difficult day for both my husband and I--as well as our daughters, and also our son's wife.

My husband has bittersweet memories of our son, two days before he passed away, mouthing the words to Happy Birthday to his dad, because that afternoon, our son had lost his ability to speak, but he was determined to "sing" to his dad, one last time! and he did! Those were the last cognizant moments of his life, and he passed on two days later, almost to the minute. I've been reading how so many of you have said that the second year can be even harder--I just can't imagine!

My husband has been relatively quiet most of this past month, but the last few days, he has been really upset and just so sad and easily crying. I think that everything is just beginning to settle into his brain and he is being overwhelmed with the pain of our son being gone. I read about all of your heartache and I am filled with sadness for all of us, yet strangely comforted in hearing you echo my own thoughts and feelings, knowing that you all understand. I KNOW there will be some good days ahead, good days when the good memories flood our thoughts and we can only smile at them and welcome them, and thank God for them. But for now, we feel such pain and such loneliness and aching. My thoughts and prayers are with all of you, new and not so new to this home, where we can open our hearts to each other and feel the and love and understanding coming back to us.

I apologize for my post being so lengthy tonight—but there is so much racing through my heart and mind as a result of this day. thank you all so much for “listening.”

love and God’s blessing to each and all of you,

Mikesmom - Carol

[mamabets]

For All~ I seem to have hit a "bump in my road'~ I tend to go along, and do well in celebrating all that Danny has blessed me with, and then WHAM~ Life throws me a curve or two, a situation or two that I just can't seem to either "walk" away from or look to him for his comforting one liner- Jackie has placenta previa- I am sure that all is FINE with her and our baby Caroline, but you can't help but wonder why life had her move away from here.. One of our doggies needs a heart echo on Friday, and I am looking to Danny, again, for his one liner that could make it ALL make simple sense...Coming up empty here!! He had this amazing ability of saying something that would make me say "Right, that's it" whenever I was jammed up. My coping skills are at an all time "no longer there", and it makes it so difficult when life happens... I coped with life soooooooooooo miraculously well for 50 years- I could just "do it" and everything in it, then life REALLY hit, and forever hits now, it feels like, just a little too hard... I love you all, and thanks for always being here, and for always taking the time to care, in spite of your own "life stuff"...xoxomamabets

[kathy714]

Hi Mamabets,i hope you are doing ok with these curves that have been thrown your way.Why does your dog need a echo,hope everything goes ok.Also i hope everything is ok with Jackie,remember what we talked about,times have changed when it comes to labor and delivery,they know so much more,they can plan for her placenta previa,i will say prayers for you and your family evn your little doxy.../T/C,Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Aprilsmom,you and your family will be in my prayers on Nov,17th your dear daughter's angel day,i hope you find some peace,and have beautiful memories of your April...T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[mamabets]

For Kathy714~ Cody needs an echo because he has a heart murmur that has changed some~ It just seems that whether it be my Jackie with the previa, or Cody with the echo, my head and heart automatically take me to a place of "sad", and I was NEVER, before losing Danny, an automatic "what if", worrying kind of personality~ But, who here was? BUT, since I "lost" the first reply that I just typed here to you, LOL, and never has that happened to me before, LOL, I think that I will take the sign as a "not to worry , Mom" I love you!! xoxomamabets

[mikesmomrs]

Mamabets: I will be thinking of you and praying for you throughout this day. I have to attend the funeral of my friend's 6 yo granddaughter today, and to get through it, I will be thinking of only you and the others who have special needs right now: Aprilsmom and your upcoming angel date for your daughter, Mark, my friend's family, and all the others here who are so sadly but blessedly united in the same cause. Your coping skills ARE still there, my sweet new friend, they just isn't available to you right now. You will know this again. You are a strong person, or you wouldn't be here, in this place, encouraging so many, and giving so much to so many with your love and kind thoughts. For right now YOU need that love and those kind thoughts, and they are being given to you by all of us. Love, and peace be with you today, especially. Carol

[mamabets]

For mikesmomrs~ Thank you, Carol~ I try during these times, too... BLESS this sweet family today, as they truly embark upon the hardest journey that we all know too well...I will be thinking of you all, and praying that you all feel her sweet little presence... What is this little angel's name??I love you~ xoxomamabets

[erinnzmom]

Kathy714, MikesMom,

The week end after Thanksgiving would work for me too I'm working the week end of the 17.18,19. If everyone who wants to get together replys then we can pick a place that's central and meet there.

MikesMom I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Mike, you're just beginning this painful journey but know that we're here for you and that you and your family will be in our prayers.

Hugs and prayers.

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[daveydow1]

Mamabets,

So sorry your are having a rough time right now. I

hope that Jackie's pregnancy goes smoothly. As Kathy714

said--obstetrics have come a long way since our own kids

were born, and the prenatal care is so comprehensive

nowadays. Also, hoping that the little doxie will do ok

with his health. Oh, I have a bit of a story about dogs,

and it has a happy ending. My mom (age 86) had to have

her 16 yr old poodle put to sleep--which was sad for her.

She was so very lonely without a pet. BUT---she rescued

a little Lhasa Apso who was destined to go to the vet

to be put down because the lady who had him was only

taking care of him for someone else who joined the service.

She did not want the dog. My mom took to this little pooch,

and he took to her. He was filthy, and full of fleas. Now,

after a visit to the groomer and vet--he's so cute, and

she loves him. So---"Cappy" now has a new outlook on life--

(and he's only 1 yr. old). Sorry to take so much space with

a dog story. Please take care--we'll talk soon.

xoxoxoxox Daveysmom, Sherry

[daveydow1]

Mikesmom,

I hope & pray that you can somehow find some bit of

comfort so early on this road. I had a "down day"

today also. My husband and I went to the cemetery

to place a pink carnation on our baby, Lisa's grave.

She passed away 36 yrs. ago today--Nov. 15. Also

visited our Davey's grave. The graves seemed so sad

on a rainy day. The gloominess matched our moods.

We left and came home after a visit to my elderly

mom. Hearing the story, and seeing the little dog,

made our spirits lift considerably. Just take one

day at a time. I know it seems impossible right now,

but everyone here understands. Keep coming to BI.

Here is where you will find more understanding and

genuine friendship than anywhere else. Peace be with you.

Daveysmom, Sherry