Loss of an Adult Child

[ashleysmom]

Bonnie, Everything was hard for me for a very long time. I still have days that I get nothing done. Sometimes all I can do is think of Ashley, so that's what I do. I just don't feel I have to explain to anyone why I can't get things done. They wouldn't understand anyway. Be kinder to yourself this year. For me the second year Was just so much tougher. I think because the shock was gone. Take care, Dottie

[brknhrt]

Lisa

Yesterday in my self absorbtion I forgot to thank you for sharing a great poem.It is a different perspective that we tend to forget, I am so grateful for the 23 years he was with us and you helped me remember those years during an emotional crisis.My wish for all who travel this road is peace, strength and love. Thank you again.

[mclaysmom]

Lisa, what a beautiful poem...it touched me deeply and I printed it so I could reread it whenever I feel like it. Lukesmom, I loved the way you said that your son "dwells IN you"....yes, our children DO dwell in us...from that very first kick in our bellies....they are part of us and there is no such thing as "not dwelling on it"...what does that mean anyway...how stupid when others believe that we are somehow "dwelling on this pain"....noone in their right mind would want to dwell on this kind of pain.....it is pain as sharp as cutting one's limbs off....even worse! The way you described all the ways he is a part of you is exactly why I did something this morning that may seem crazy to anyone but us....for the first time, I took Matt's ern off my lingerie chest and put it beside me in the bed and held it to my chest so tight....I cried for so long and talked to Matt about everything.....of course, noone was in the house....I'm not sure if my husband would even understand this! I literally ache for Matt....all of you know what I mean...this desperation is maddening. My husband wants to visit his sister and dad three hours away for Labor Day, but I feel this dread about going....they are just going to "pretend" that nothing has happened...and they will not talk about Matt I know.....they have not even called me since June 8, Matt's service. I don't know if I am ready to put up with this fakeness....my best friend since high school is the only one who has checked on me regularly...and she has invited me up to the mountains for the weekend....I will probably go to see her and let my husband take my other son and a friend to visit his family....I'm torn as to what to do...but I don't like this cloud hanging over me when I think of seeing them....is that strange? Peace and comfort to all, Pam

[runnersmom]

To Brknhrt:

I smiled when I read your note today – I was so lost yesterday and wrote down some thoughts here and by some stroke of luck they helped someone, I am so glad for that.

I also wanted to thank Lisa for sharing the poem. I have found so many times someone else’s words express just what I am feeling.

Part of this journey is learning how very much we do not know about this world;

Here is a saying I found that conveys it better than I can:

\'What the caterpillar perceives is the end, to the butterfly is just the beginning\'

To Aprilsmom: Yes, others have that “strange thought” you have – did this really happen at all? “There can’t possibly be a sun in the sky and people going on with their lives if this terrible thing has happened” - I have been so confused at times that I have had to go through and re-read newspaper accounts of the search-and-rescue/recovery that went on after my son’s accident(his body was never found).

Then sometimes something amazing happens – One day the thought overwhelmed me that I couldn’t hear his voice in my head and would never hear his voice again (we have movies of every race he ran and nearly every soccer game, but I don’t know when if ever I will be able to watch them)………….I searched the internet for articles about him (which I had done many times before to reinforce that he was real), but this time I found a message board he had posted to that I knew nothing about. I found writings he had posted as late as the morning of the accident. As I read the passages I could hear his voice in my mind again.

I wish for all of us to have a few moments peace and maybe a smile

Thank you all for being here – it means so much to feel as though I can share these thoughts without being judged.

-Runnersmom

[lissus67]

This message board is keeping me somewhat sane. I miss him so much, I don't know what to do. It will be 8 weeks this Sunday, it feels like I haven't seen him in 100 years. I have kissed and hugged and cried on his picture so many times it's looking smudgy. I'll have to clean it. I am always on the verge of tears. The smell of him in the house is fading, soon I won't be able to smell him anymore. What the hell is happening???? God never gives us more than we can handle? I believed that until now. My heart is broken, part of me is dead too. I ache with this, as we all do. Thanks to all that post for your understanding and kind words, your expressions of anger, just everything. I know I can say just about anything here, everyone understands. Mikey, I miss you so. Mom loves you so much. Jake misses you too honey. I wish you could come home. We miss you so very much. I love you baby.

[maureensmom]

To Lissus67 and everyone:

I worry so much about my daughter slowly fading away from me, also. After she died, I was convinced that somehow I would just forget her, isn't that crazy? I don't have recordings of her voice. Isn't it just typical of teenagers that my most enduring memory of her voice is her voicemail recording? I look in the mirror and I just cannot believe that she somehow stopped existing. I can't even be me without my daughter. Like so many of you, I don't even know who I am anymore. I've managed to placate my boss by advanced pretending and just working working working when I'm in the office, but he's just waiting to see me show any more signs that I'm a grieving mom. It really sucks.

I wrote the article about my daughter's death in the emergency room, where they treated her and me so heartlessly, and turned it in to a medical journal. Writing it helped for a while.

I think we need new verbs for this experience. "Getting through it", just like "getting over it" is pretty laughable, but of course I can't even explain how I feel most days, even when I try. what is most discouraging is the up and down-ness of it all - just crushed by grief one day, then able to plod on through the hours on the next day. I miss her so much. How could she leave us like this?

Georgia

[philipsmom]

Maureensmom,

Were you able to transfer Maureen's voice mail recording on to something else or do you still have her phone turned on? I've been continuing to pay for Philip's phone because I don't want to lose that voice mail and I've been wondering if it could be recorded on to something else.

It's been five months since Philip left us. He left our house one evening and the next thing I knew there was a knock on the door at 5:00 a.m. from a detective coming to tell me my son was dead. I have been extremely fortunate that one friend of mine has called me every day for the first three months. She did not miss one day. I believe she is my angel. I still talk to her at least five to six times a week. And she always wants to know how my day is.

The last two days have been OK and I'm afraid to go to bed at night because I don't know how the next day will be. It's still hard for me to get out of bed before 10:00. The mornings seem to be the worst for me. Very depressing. How can one go on without one of their children? I can't imagine living the next 20 to 30 years feeling so much sadness. I also don't want my two living children to feel that their lives are not important. This is just too hard.

I am so glad I found this site. I have read a lot more than posted but it has been a big help to me. Thank you, all of you. I'm sorry we all have to be here.

Nancy

[ronsmom]

Another 24 hours and I'm STILL here...(ugh),.but I am feeling a little better today, yesterday I don't know what was happening to me, guess everyday is going to bring me different feelings, different pain. what a pitiful pathetic mess I am.

Pam, Don't worry about hugging your sons urn: I have Rons ashes in a little genie bottle in a pretty box by my bedside. I hug those alot so if your crazy so am I! I also have a little pinch of his ashes in a heart pendant necklace, which I wear every single day, just to feel him closeby.I also His hospital ID Badge in my pillow case.....ok Now whos a nutcase?am I going too far? I have to be surrounded by him. I don't care much about anything anymore, just hope I can keep moving and making more memories and getting more pictures with ME in them with my surviving kids! I have so few of me and Ron cause I was always taking the pictures!! Now I make sure his dad gets into shots with my son & daughter and I get in them too. I want to try to keep smiling for my surviving kids but its so hard and they are so down too, but they keep trying to "pick me up"....what a struggle we all have!. My little 6 year old grandaughter said to me "why are you crying again for Ronnie grandma, he is an Angel and thats a good thing"......I told her I knew it was a good thing, but I miss him, she said the obvious, "you'll see him again"...she continued playing and I wanted to escape to the bathroom and bawl my head off.

Well, another day is almost over, wonder what tomorrow will bring us?

peaceful night all! blueskies!

bonnie

[daveydow1]

To all at BI,

As Lukesmom said, I think our child will dwell in

us AWAYS. People who tell us to "move on" and get

over it just do not have any idea what it is like

to be on this road we're on. I have not had anyone

call me since the day after Davey's funeral. It

doesn't bother me anymore that they don't call or

anything except that he is so easily forgotten by

everyone else. Other people are just so far out of

their element in talking about our children that

they have NO idea at all what kind of world we must

live in now. As for unfeeling bosses and co-workers,

they must think that the workplace is "business" and

that bereaved parents should be able to just turn off

their feelings for the entire 8 hrs. (or more) that

they are there. I left my job after returning in only

3 wks. due to their pressures on me to return. I couldn't do it,

so I retired. I pray for all here at BI, and wish

some peace can come to everyone.

[daveydow1]

On a happier note-----I went to see my new little

grandson tonight. My daughter & her husband named

him Trenton David. He was born 8/25.

[philipsmom]

daveydow1 -- How wonderful to have a new grandson. Is this your first grandchild? I hope he will bring you much joy and lessen your pain a little.

I am looking forward to having grandchildren (whenever that may be). Just being around any young child makes me feel a little better.

Nancy

[ashleysmom]

Nancy, I took Ashley's voice mail message and had it recorded in a build-a-bear. I did this for my husband, my daughter and myself. We all have Ashley bears. I also kept a recording, just in case I play it too much and it wears out. That way when Ashley's phone was shut off, we still had her voice.

[jscmom]

I haven't posted in many months and it is so sad to read so many new posts. This ia all so UNFAIR we shouldn't be here!! Tonight makes 22 months since John's accident and it feels like it just happened. The nightmares of my beautiful son in ICU for 2 weeks not ever waking up, I can't seem to move on the pain as we all know is unlike anything we ever expected it is beyond pain.

What are we supposed to do now without our child. I have tried so hard to learn how to live the new life without Johnny but it's impossible. He is supposed to walk in and say Hi Momma what's for dinner? The slience is unbearable. He will never wlak in here again...

I am sorry for all of us...

Johnny's mom

3-22-82 10-10-04

[erinnzmom]

Ashleysmom,

What a great idea! I have Erinn's voice message on my PDA, my computer, and my laptop I'm so afraid of losing her voice! She sounds so happy! She says that she'll get back to me but she never does.At least not by telephone. The change of season, at least in Maine it feels like a change of season it's only 50 degrees it feels like Fall and it's only August,is really getting to me I'm crying all the time lately, on the way to work, on my morning walks. AGGGhhh I hate this!! How's that for a run on sentence? My English teacher would have had a fit! lol I'll stop whining. Daveydow1 congrats on your new grandson! I see miracles everyday where I work since I work in maternity! In never ceases to amaze me when I see a new baby being born.!

We all carry apart of our children with us. I have a lock of my daughter's hair and two pictures of her that I wear in a locket. I do have to take it off to shower. Pics don't stand up to water. I bought lockets for her daughters that said mom and put a lock of her hair and her pics in there so that they'd have something of there mom's. Well, enough rambling will go for my walk.

Hugs and prayers to all!

Love,

Laurie

Always Erinnzmom

[philipsmom]

Ashleysmom/Erinnzmon - Thanks for the great ideas. I'm just not sure how to transfer or record Philip's voice on to something. Do you need a certain piece of electronic equipment? Maybe its something very simple that I'm just not thinking of but the several people I've talked to about this haven't had any suggestions.

Nancy

[lukesmom143]

I have a face I put in place;

It's what I wear when folks are there.

For those only who want to see

the way they think I ought to be.

I live in times that have no light,

just cloudy darkness, endless night.'

I no longer see the sun,

I laugh but never feel the fun.

When I arise to start a day,

I stumble as I make my way.

I don't know who's really me,

I'm not the one I used to be.

I have no joy that's there to show,

I have no spark that makes me glow.

The future is so bleak to me,

I choose not to let others see.

So when people stop to ask,

I hide behing my smiling mask.

[brknhrt]

lukesmom 143

are you living in my head? thanks for sharing a great poem. It is so appropriate for how a lot of us are feeling.

[donosmom]

Lukesmom143, this poem sums it up so well, thank you for sharing

[rhonda68]

Thanks Lukesmom for that poem that describes exactly in words how I feel. You reminded me that I haven't went off the deep end. I am not the only one feeling this way.

[daveydow1]

Erinnzmom and Phillipsmom,

Thanks for the kind words. This is not my first

grandchild. I have 4 other grandkids. They are

all boys except the oldest, Jamie. Grandkids &

new babies help lift our hearts. Peace to all at BI.

[daveydow1]

Lukesmom143,

Thank you for the poem. It does fit us exactly,

doesn't it? I especially related to the line--

I don't know who's really me

I'm not the one I used to be.

Peace be with everyone here at this site.

[daveydow1]

Jcsmom,

I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time.

Two years is still so new, really. I believe

we will always have our child in our hearts

and on our minds, no matter what other people

tell us. Try to think of Johnny and all the

happy memories you have of him, and all the love.

No one can take that from any of us. Take care

of yourself, come back to BI, and may you find

some peace and serenity somehow.

[ericasmom]

Hi Everyone,

I started school again this week, I teach third graders in Oak Park Illinois. I felt nervous before starting as I always do, could not sleep, once I meet the kids I am good again. They will be quite a group this year, and it is in their smiles and laughter and struggles that I know My ERica is helping me live my best life. She absolutely knew how dear teaching is t me, and she would really be pissed at me if i had not gone back after her death, and so I tried it that following school year, (she died in July of 2003) I went back to work at the end of August and made no promises to stick with it, only to try. It was however what saved my life, it was and is my daily experience in beauty and affirmation of life going on in others. Oh sure, Nothing will make it better, but spending my energy with kids is as close to Heaven as I can get. I am lucky to have a place to go each day where I am free to talk about ERi, and in a place wehre my coworkers know I need to talk about her. Her picture is still on the Teacher's bulleitn board and in my classroom there is a big photo of her with special things hanging next to it. Yesterday I told my students about me, and of course a big thing about me are my kids. I told thenm that my daughter was killed 3 years ago and that it will always be a sadnessin me, but that I am a lucky woman to have a daughter named ERi. I do feel this way. No matter how short the life, it was a full life.

So many of you are waking each day to a new feeling or emotion. Numbness, panic, uncontrollable tears, fear of forgetting...how can I go on? INdeed, how? But you do, and it will not always feel as it does today. As shock wears off, a little bit at aq time, you will experience different feelings. A change in season often brings on the tears for me, it is once again, affirmation that our kids are gone another season, it is a time thing. Time becomes so abstract.Do not be discouraged for feeling as though you made progress and then lost it...it is a normal part, if anything is normal anymore, a normal part of grieving and it takes a good deal of mental and spiritual and physical energy. Go for a walk, pump your blood and get fresh air. If it means making yourself, then do it. It is extremely important to keep your body working well right now, fluids, exercise, sleep when you can, healthy foods. It does make a difference to how you cope. Getting through this is a cliche', we dont' get through, but we travel along an unknown journey and some days are not as good as others. You are all very fresh to this sadness, and the range of emotions are normal, go into them and explore them, just know that we are here and holding your hands as you go deeper into the realm of grief. I know it is scary to think of forgetting our kids, but you won't,,,you will allow some of the pain to leave one day when you are able, and it will make more room for memory. I replayed each moment of my last day of a Mom with two living children...replayed it for months until I needed to let that go,finally knowing that I would not forget her by letting go of some of the more acutly painful replays. She guides me now in my days and nights, in good ways and while the hole is permanent, so is the sense of love and joy of knowing her so well.

Congratulations Daveydow, a new grandbaby is a wonderful joy. Since Eri died I have 3 new great nieces, making 7 great nices and nephews. I know she smiles on their lives.

I wish you all dreams of your dear ones tonight.

[aprilsmom]

Ah yes, the seasons changing. I remember even as a child that I loved the fall best, right down to how the air smells. Well, April's wedding(11-11-01) was in the fall with the golden red flowers and her accident was in the fall and here it comes again. I do not know where two years (Nov. 17th) went and if someone had said it would go quickly I would have argued. Actually, I didn't think I could survive that long. If I think about my daughter for more than a few minutes I cry------"get over it"? None of us will EVER GET OVER IT........who would WANT to? They're our KIDS!

Dear Erica's mom- everything you said was right on; I'm a teacher too and I know what you mean about the students in your care.

The poem was beautiful! Take Care all, Renee

[kathy714]

Nice poem,i like the line.The future is so bleek to me,I choose not to let others see!!And about grandchildren,my grandaughter just turned 3,all she wanted for her b'day was a fishing box[tackle box],so that was what i bought her,my son said she actually slept with it the other night,She was at my house today fishing,so much for ballet,lol....Also i have my son Nathan's voice on his cell phone too,so i won't have it shut off either,i need to try to tape it on to something else before i lose it,i drop my phone into the ocean and 1st thing i thought was ,Thank god it wasn't Nate's,T/C I am at work,sorry if i sound like i am rambling,don't have much time,You will al be in my prayers..Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[lukesmom143]

I’m So Lost Without You

I don’t know who I am

Staring at a million broken pieces here

I don’t know where I stand

while I’m still... the world goes round

so free, so cavalier

And aimlessly I wander

Like a drifter on a narrow winding road

I got plenty of direction but, I don’t know where to go

I’m so lost without you, I’m so lost without you.

[lukesmom143]

If Tomorrow Never Comes

If I knew it would be the last time

that I'd see you fall asleep,

I would tuck you in more tightly

and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time

that I see you walk out the door,

I would give you a hug and kiss

and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time

I'd hear your voice lifted up in praise,

I would video tape each action and word,

so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time,

I would spare an extra minute or two

to stop and say "I love you,"

instead of assuming you would know I do.

If I knew it would be the last timeI would be there to share your day,

Well I'm sure you'll have so many more,

so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely there's always tomorrow

to make up for an oversight,

and we always get a second chance

to make everything right.

There will always be another day

to say our "I love you's,"

and certainly there's another chance

to say our "Anything I can do's?"

But just in case I might be wrong,

and today is all I get,

I'd like to say how much I love you

and I hope we never forget,

tomorrow is not promised to anyone,

young or old alike.

And today may be the last chance you get

to hold your loved one tight.

So if you're waiting for tomorrow,

why not do it today?

For if tomorrow never comes,you'll surely regret the day

that you didn't take that extra time

for a smile, a hug, or a kiss,

and you were too busy to grant someone,

what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,

whisper in their ear,

tell them how much you love them

and that you'll always hold them dear.

Take time to say "I'm sorry,"

"please forgive me," "thank you," or "it's okay."

And if tomorrow never comes,

you'll have no regrets about today.

~ Author Unknown ~

[philipsmom]

Hi everyone,

My son Philip has been gone for five months and I am having a lot of doubt in my faith right now. I was wondering if any of you moms or dads who have dealt with their loss longer than I have could help me. I have always had a strong belief in God (I am a Christian) and suddenly I am questioning everything. I'm sure this is not the venue to discuss belief in God, etc. but I would love to get a little help with this. Please email me at nlaffey@cox.net if you would be able to talk to me about this. If I have stepped over the line in asking for this, I am sorry.

Nancy

[ericasmom]

Phillipsmom,

you do not have to worry about bringing your religion into the message board, we all have different beliefs and they are all accepted the same as we all grieve differently. I think it is normal for many to question everything after we lose a child. I too believe in God, though not perhaps through a church or the Bible, and I am glad to have had my belief system with me when ERi died. While I question the world and will always wonder how this could have occured to my daughter...I have never felt that God's job was to keep her from this, just to please give her a place to be when her time here is over. But that is me.

THere is a website that speaks a great deal about God called GROWW.org and it is a grief site as well. But you needn't leave here to speak your heart.

Dear Aprilsmom, where and what grade do you teach? How old was your girl April and what is her birthdate. My girl, ERi was April 4th, 1984.

Dee

[aprilsmom]

Hi Phillip's mom- I agree with Dee but if you feel funny there is a thread called beliefs and religion on the forum list.

Dee, I taught 8th grade science for about 10 yrs. then I went to Special Ed as an itinerant Adapted Physical Education Specialist.... you know Spec. Ed---NEVER a dull moment.

April's days here with us (5-17-78 until 11-17-04). I still can't believe she's gone!! Lots of pictures on www.aprilduarte.com of her wedding and our family. I had this thought today; people always want to know if it's God's plan to TAKE our kids. Well, what if He was trying to PREVENT the accident but no one picked up the ball? April saw 3 of us that morning; a very good friend, her co-worker, and myself. If ANY of us had JUST KEPT HER ONE MINUTE LONGER. I know the woulda, coulda, shoulda game is not helpful but I can't help it sometimes. Take Care, Renee

[messenger]

KATHY714,,,,,,,,,,,,HI,,,,I TOO HAVE MY SONS VOICE THAT COMES UP ONCE A MONTH ON VOICE MAIL..I RENEW IT EVERY MONTH..IT IS FROM A WEEK BEFORE HE DIED AND IS ABOUT 4 MINUTES LONG..........HE IS TELLING US ABOUT HIS DAY AND HOW VERY MUCH HE LOVES US ALL...................I TOO NEED TO FIGURE HOW TO TAPE IT SO I CAN KEEP IT FOREVER..AFRAID SOMEONE WILL ERASE IT.................I JUST HEARD IT TODAY AND RENEWED IT FOR ANOTHER 30..........

KNOW YOU AND ALL ON BEYOND INDIGO ARE IN MY PRAYERS

MESSENGER

[lukesmom143]

Hey everyone...hope all of you are doing as well as you can. I wanted to reply to your last post Aprilsmom if I can. What you said about God's plan. I have been a christian since I was old enough to understand. Through the years I've learned a lot and learn something everyday and will never ever learn everything. We all have our beliefs. At least we have beliefs right. Some people don't and I guess they have the right to that. Anyway, what I was going to say before I got side tracked in my feeble mind....When my Luke so suddenly died I remember standing out on his dad's deck (we have been divorced since 84) we were both still in shock I believe but, trying to find some kind of comfort in the fact that we were his parents and both loved him more than anyone and I remember saying "God brought him into this world...which He did...and I guess God knew when the day was going to come" I truly believed that when i said it. I have not once been angry with God. I have however and I still am angry at many others. It breaks my heart when I say this but, I honestly do not and cannot believe that God planned for my son to die of a heart attack because he was using massive doses of steroids. Nor do I believe my son knew he could die from using them. Perhaps a heart attack but, not because of the steroid. I know my son loved life, he was life, but, he made a horrible, horrific mistake and I know he didn't mean for it to kill him and neither did God. As far as intervening, things happened with my son that had we known we might could have stopped him from dying. I know for a fact that had I been living closer to him and seeing him more often that those last few months I would have tied him up if I had too and gotten him to a hospital. I practically had to when he was a kid and I damn sure would have then. Trust me on that one. So, comes the guilt. We all have it just in different circumstances. I welcome my guilt as it is the least pain I can put myself through considering my baby is gone. Sometimes I even wish it were worse if that were possible. Anyway, thanks for hearing me ramble, can't sleep and needed to just do something. Bless you all. Debrah Luke's MOM

[ashleysmom]

I used a regular handheld tape recorder to record Ashley's voice from her cell phone. I put her phone on speaker and recorded it (many times, over and over!!).

I used a recorder with the mini tape, my husband used a regular sized tape recorder. Both came from Radio Shack. I'm not sure how ipods work, but my guess is they work the same way. I'm technologically challenged. Anyway, I hope this was helpful! Peace to all of you, Dottie

[kathy714]

Dear Phillipsmom,i did have a problem with my my faith after i loss my Nate,and i remember saying to my husband,"I think i am losing my faith in god" and he hugged me and said,"Kathy,you can't he gave us Nathan for 21 years,Plus unfortunalty i think we die by some of the choices we make,sometimes,not all,but like in Nate's situation would he still be here today ,if he didn't go out that night,OR,like my husband believe's God has a plan for us from the minute we come into this world,there is a road we travel,and when it is our time,it is our time...Unfortunalty,it doesn't make any of this any easier,I STILL MISS NATE VERY MUCH,AND MY HEART STILL IS BROKEN....T/C Kathy,Nate's mom 4 ever

[kathy714]

Dear Ashleysmom,thank youu for the ideas for taping my son's voice on to someting else besides the cell phone ,i would hate to lose it..T/C Kathy

[kathy714]

Dear Messenger,thats nice to have,Nate's just says"Hey,you reached pig leave a message".and the phone has a little picture of a pig on the screen,i cried when the police gave it back to me.Ialso have on my computer,a short video Nate took,of him taping our puppies,he isn't in it but you hear his voice talking to my dog and the puppies,i want to put that on a disc so i don't lose that either...the things that mean sooo much to us now..T/C Kathy

[philipsmom]

Thank you, all of you, who have responded to me about my faith (or lack thereof) either here or by email. I just wanted those of you who emailed me to know that I so appreciate your words and I will be replying back to all of you in a few days. My husband & I are leaving for a small weekend trip and I'm not going to have time to reply to all the emails until I get back. Thanks again to all of you.

Nancy

[mamabets]

For Lukesmom~ I am so proud to see you here and opening up to all of us~ You will NEVER be alone here and no matter what you feel, we ALL get it, ALL of the time!! I love you, Deb, and am blessed to have you in my life. Remember, there are no steroids where our guys are now...xoxomamabets

[daveydow1]

Ericsmom,

Thanks for the advice. I am glad that you are

finding your teaching so helpful in this road

we're all on. Your students are lucky to have

such a nice teacher. Peace

Lukesmom,

Your poem "Lost without You" says it all so well. Thanks.

Aprilsmom,

You are right---we will never "get over it". It will be

with us for all our time here on earth because these

wonderful children of ours who went on before us were

the light of our lives, and were so ever loved. Peace to you.

After my son, Davey died, we never saw his car or got back

many of his belongings that were in it. Our son-in-law did

the best he could to retrieve some things, which were not

many. I had so hoped to get his phone so I could retrieve

the voicemail message. The Jaws of Life machine had to rip

the door off in order to let EMT'S access to him, and the

car needed to be taken away on a flat-bed truck, so there

was not much left of it. I did, however, find a message with

his voice on an old answering machine. I plan to get one of

those hand-held tape recorders to tape the brief message he

left for callers. I will keep it always. Peace & serenity to all.

[quint906]

Hi everyone.

I did the same thing with Cory's (my son) cellphone. Cory died Dec. 19, 2005 and I kept playing back his voicemails. Little did I know that my phone only stored messages for 30 days. I freaked out when I had 1 message left out of 3. I got a little hand held recorder and recorded that message over and over again. I still haven't deactivated his cell phone (which is on our plan). I call just to hear him say his name. I have it recorded on my message recording on my phone now. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. Tomorrow, September 3rd is his birthday. Mine is Sept. 6th. We always celebrated our birthdays together. This week is very hard on me. I miss him so much. "Happy Birthday, Cory".

Jo

[julsmom]

daveydow1 - it is interesting what you said about not getting Davey's belongs back from the car. My husband and our son went down and got what was in the car (the car was totalled) but there were things missing, Julie's cell phone, the necklace we gave her for graduating from her masters' program and probably some other stuff, that we never saw. I called the ER about a year later and of course, they had no record or wouldn't have saved any of that stuff.

Today is kind of rough, I just miss her so. It would have been the kind of day I might have popped over to the cemetary but now that we have moved I don't have that option. I knew I would have days like this and need to find someway to honor this need. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Peace to all. Lynda

[aprilsmom]

Like Davey, the paramedics couldn't get the door off to use any aggressive measures to bring her back. For some strange reason I asked for her jewelry and they handed it to me in a plastic bag. Bobby got her purse, keys, and both her work cell and personal one. He definitely didn't want me getting hold of his "friend's" number that had been harassing April. The next day he went and removed the stereo from the truck but $2000.00 worth of CDs had just disappeared into thin air and when questioned, the towing guy acted insulted. The coroner left the yellow blanket in there so I'm sure that was hard on my son-in-law, he took it home. April's voice is still on the construction companies after hours line and I really need to tape it before they erase it. The girls there loved her so it might stay for awhile longer. Lastly, I have April giving the wedding toast at her sister Kristi's wedding. At one point she says, "It's not about having what you want in "this" life, it's about wanting what you have". She always made an impact on people. To this day, Kristi has not been able to watch her wedding video.....she got it just a few days before the accident and never found time- I doubt she ever will. When Bobby gave Kristi 7 big plastic containers full of clothing, etc. she asked where all the loungerie was that April got at her shower. His mom said that she had it. Can anybody explain THAT one to me? Every single personal item of April's should be with her sisters and it should be THEIR decision. Bobby couldn't stand being around ANY of it. Sorry to go on and on..........Take Care. Renee

[rhonda68]

Dear Jo,

I will sure be thinking of you this hard time of your dear son's birthday and yours. My son was also 19 when he was killed and his birthday is Oct 9 and mine is Oct 12. It also hits the same time as thanksgiving here in Canada. We always had a celebration of our birthdays together and also thanksgiving dinner. This is very painful for me. He would be 21 this year. My family and I went to the grave last year wrote messages on ballons and sent them up into the air. We will plan to do this again this year. Please know my thoughts are with you and take care of yourself.

Richards Mom

[maskott]

Happy Birthday Cory.

BettyAnn

[daveydow1]

Quint906---Jo,

I'm sorry for your loss of your son, Cory. Birthdays

are so very difficult. My thoughts are with you for

tomorrow and the 6th. May you find peace somehow.

Julsmom,

Could you refresh my poor memory? How old was your

dear Julie when she passed over? I wish there was

some feature on BI that we could have a sm. capsule

of our child's passing, so we could refresh ourselves

whenever we are a bit "foggy" about the details of

all the angels from BI. I'm sorry that you had items

in Julie's car that "disappeared". We never got David's

cell phone back either. His golf clubs were in his trunk, but

I can imagine they were destroyed by the rear/side

collision and override by the semi truck. He also had

CD's--and his ST Christopher's medal, never found.

Aprilsmom,

I'm glad that you were able to get your daughter's

jewelry. It is strange whenever too many items in

the wrecked automobile "disappear". I called the

State Highway Patrol barracks where our son's car

was first taken after the accident. I was told by

some very rude man "we can't just let anybody go

into that car--this is a police case". I told him

that I wasn't just ANYBODY....that I was the victim's

mother. The troopers were sympathetic, but just the

same, my son-in-law was not able to get much out of

the car. The ER at the trauma center did have his

wallet which my son-in-law picked up for us. My

goodness-----all those CD's !!!! How could they ALL

be missing?? Yes, it would be a perfect opportunity

for some sleaze to help himself to items. Has anyone

else had problems like this?? Thanks for any input.

Peace & serenity to all at BI.

[aprilsmom]

Happy Birthday Cory and Cory's mom Jo. I pray you will be enveloped in HIS peace and Cory's love today and throughout the coming week.

Hi to Davey's mom- you know, you are right, there is a way to post our dates and kids' names- just click on the profile next to our names (I noticed that you and I already did this). I guess I'm getting old and just can't remember too well and often, I would like very much to remember how long it's been for that mom/dad/family..........it helps.

Take Care,

Renee

[lukesmom143]

Hey all of you beautiful, special people....and mamabets..I love you too. You are indeed one very special lady. Thank you for being my friend. I know where they are there are no steroids and for that I am grateful.

I have had a bad day today. You know it's really weird to me when I go through an eventful, what should be a happy day and find that no matter where I go or what I do or who I see or how beautiful the day is...I am truly just wandering, lost, empty without my Luke. The only time I really feel joy is when I hear my son Josh's voice. He called me twice today. Unusual for him. I wonder sometimes does his brother whisper in his ear, "call mom, she needs you today" and he calls.

I'm starting a new job next week. I left the other one because my employers were so uncaring to me. I wasn't really even suppose to mention my Luke I guess cause when I did I pretty much got told to move on Debrah, don't dwell. I even had put a small picture of Luke up in my work area and because the bosses could see it when they came around they took it down when I wasn't there. I later learned that one of the bosses made the statement, that he didn't want to look at THAT when he was there. Anyway, no one at my new job will know and I'm not sure I want them too. I have not decided yet. Guess i will just let things fall into place and if they ask about my boys then I will tell them. How they react is up to them. Next month on the 19th will be my Luke's birthday. then on the 10th of November the day I lost him. Then of course Christmas. I can feel what you guys are feeling about all the dates coming up. All I can do is say God help me. I'm asking all of Luke's family on both sides on his birthday at 2:44 pm to have a moment of silence and just think of Luke. I know I am. that was the moment he was born. I am so sad today and I don't know what is any different from any other day but, I can't stop the tears from pouring. I hope they help.

[lukesmom143]

Happy Birthday to Cory and to you, Cory's MOM.

[julsmom]

happy b-day cory and mom.

Lukesmom - I also because of our move started a new job. I have told one person, I'm not sure why. We were just standing around talking. I am sorry your old employers were so mean. I believe that one of my coworkers at my former job "didn't get it". I think she would have liked to tell me to get over it but held her tonge.

daveydow1 - our Julie died on 10/13/03 in a one car crash outside of Philadelphia, about 2 1/2 hrs from us.

To all experience "dates" peace to all of us, we again in our family are redoing the last 6 weeks of her life.

Peace. Lynda

[isabelle]

Daveydow,

My son, Ray's CD's were also missing from his car. I am sure the EMS were so busy looking through my son's posessions that they didn't have the time to maintain his airway.

Elizabeth,

Ray'sMom