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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Hopefully I'm eventually now in the right forum!!!

I lost my daughter on the 5th January 2018, she had flu, we all had flu, hers went to pneumonia and sepsis, the symptoms were identical to flu so it went undiagnosed until too late.  We had coughs so bad that we had cracked ribs, which was agony, her pain was assumed to be the same.  I took her to the doctors on the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th Jan, I slept with her all night on the 4th, I don't want to go into detail, it's way too painful, but by morning she vomited and was struggling to speak, this was the first time any symptom differed to our flu, it all happened so fast from there, doctor, ambulance, helicopter, panic.  She was diagnosed with pneumonia as soon as we got to the hospital, I remember the relief, she was so poorly but accepted reassurances that all would be well, she was transferred to Intensive Care for immediate treatment, as they were taking her up she took a turn for the worse and the nightmare began, running alongside her, watching her panic, she was asking them if she was ok and they couldn't answer because they were all too busy, she was pleading with me not to leave her and I was promising that I wouldn't, she kept saying she had never been this ill before, and begging me not to leave, I didn't, I stayed, they drifted her off to sleep, she was ventilated, on a kidney machine, tubes everywhere, monitors, lots going on, 8 people working on her, she went into cardiac arrest and had to be given CPR, they worked on her for 2 hours but to no avail.  I kept my promise, I stayed, I will be eternally grateful to them for allowing me to do so, I only hope she knew I was there, they say hearing is the last sense to go when we die, I hope that's right because if it is she would have heard me shouting at her to fight, telling her I loved her.  When she passed away I remember hearing a dreadful noise, one that I had never heard before, it took a while for me to realise that it was me.  I cried and wailed and hugged her, the staff all hugging me and saying it was  absoloutely tragic.  They took me to a room and made me tea and a nurse sat with me, they asked if I would like to go back in after she had been washed, had she passed away peacefully in bed I would have refused as I would prefer to remember her as she was, but having seen such dreadful images I needed to see her clean and at peace, so I said yes.  I was taken through and allowed to lie beside her, I can't even begin to describe the feeling, to lie and hug her cold lifeless body, and kiss her beautiful face, and apologise for failing her, messing up and not getting there fast enough.  I'm broken beyond repair.  As if this wasn't enough there had to be a post mortem, I wasn't given a choice, she already looked as if she had suffered a car accident and now would be damaged further.  I was divorced 4 years ago so am home with my 16 year old son, who has lost his sister and needs my support.  I can honestly say that if I didn't have him I would no longer be here.  This pain is unbearable and only gets worse.  Everyone said I was brave, and was incredible with my funeral organising and everything else I had going on.  I wasn't brave at all, I was just in shock.  Now for everyone else it is all over, for me it's just the start and I really don't want to be here any longer, yet I know my son needs me, and eventually this will pass, or so they tell me, I will learn to live around it and be happy again.  I can't see it yet so I'll carry on supporting my wonderful son, and feeling this unbelievable pain, knowing that I will never see my amazing, beautiful, intelligent daughter again.  She was taking a gap year before University, thank goodness she did, otherwise she would have never experienced any adult life outside School.  I'll never see her graduate, never celebrate her first job, first house, wedding, children and everything most families have.  I love my Son so very much, as I did my beautiful girl.  I really don't know how to carry on from here, I'm absoloutely broken, it's wrong on every level, I wish it had been me in her place, because she had so much to give and her whole life ahead of her.  

 

 

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margarett I think it is because you have not got all the answers yet that you don't cry. I believe when you have all the information and process it the tears will come and boy do they come. Shock does paralyse your feelings and emotions because it does not seem real or right. do not worry about not crying we all know the tears you have inside you, the silent screaming, the begging, the yearning. Perhaps the job you did for many years as a hospice nurse has made you automatically go into professional mode when faced with a personal loss of your own? That is shock and grief. I liken it to having been a paediatric nurse, NICU nurse and child care provider for years and then having my own first baby. I was like "what? He is mine? I get to keep him?" for a few days. As you know each individual grieves differently and goes through different stages at different times. You will do the same and we are here to help. Glad your daughter had a visit with her brother, those are quite rare no matter how often you beg for them but you will have some sort of sign from your son. It could be a song on the radio with lyrics for you or a bird that comes close or a white feather that floats down. Jason is not gone he is still with you all the time.

hi brokenmum yes you are in the right place with lots of bereaved parents who can help to support you. grieving has several stages each one is hard to deal with and you are very new to the journey. Yes the "nevers" are very sad. I lost my 24yr old son Tommy in 2015 when he went out onto a 14 story high ledge of a dorm building to try and save his suicidal friend from jumping. He eventually talked him down which the police could not do and when they were climbing back in the window it broke and they both fell. My Tommy died from his injuries shortly after in the ER his friend survived with some pretty bad injuries. I too have thought of the nevers never seeing his younger siblings graduate from university, never getting married and having his own kids, he loved kids, never being able to follow his dreams of going to university and getting a degree, never seeing his future nephews and nieces, never spending a Xmas or time with us again as a family. That all needs to be carefully wept over and in time put to the side while you try and deal with the more immediate loss. It is a long process. First you have to deal with the authorities and coroner and maybe the police then have to plan a funeral you never imagined would happen, then go through their belongings and bedroom support your son and other family members whilst absolutely breaking from your own sorrow. We have all wished we could have swapped places with our spirit children because it is so unfair that they were taken so young before acheiving their dreams, they had not experienced real life enough it is a natural parents reaction. But we can't take their place. Just know your precious daughter is still with you all the time she is constantly by your side you did not leave her in the hospital or where she was buried that was her outer shell. She will help you deal with the endlessly long and painful journey of coming to terms with what happened and having to adjust to life without her there physically. We are also here for you.

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Thank you Tommy's Mum, it's such a strange thing grief, as you say, we all have to be strong and carry on so that others around us can have normality, my Son needs me, so I'm here.  It helps so much to know that others truly understand.  I have such an amazing group of good friends, and all are here to support me, all of them understand that they have absoloutely no idea of what I'm actually going through, and I hope they never find themselves in a position to find out.  I'm so sad to hear your own story, it must have been absoloutely horrendous for you and your family to deal with, your Son is a true hero and it's such a tragedy that he didn't live to tell the tale.  I'm sure he must have been a wonderful person, and you must be so very proud of him, I truly wish your story had a different ending, it must be so very difficult for his friend who survived and his family also, life can be so very unfair.  I'm sure my daughter is out there somewhere, I only hope she will find a way to make contact at some time, I know she truly believed in spirits being able to make contact, and I know that if it's at all possible she will, but directly to me, not through a psychic or medium whom she never met, more than anything I hope there is another place where they all find happiness and are able to help and support each other.  I'm so glad I found this site, I really wish I wasn't in a position to need it, but I am.  I live in a very remote location, it's wonderful, but a two hour drive to the nearest city, I don't want to put myself through this to attend Counselling Sessions, possibly for the future, for now I hope talking with people on here will help.  For now, one hour at a time.....

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TearsInHeaven

Broken Mum, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss. I know these words get to be just background noise after hearing them so often.  You have come to a place where those of us here can relate to the loss of a child.  You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all too well. But in this place we have bonded together to share, and support each other with this loss. When your  child dies our world is shattered and we are brought to our knees. I am three plus years into this and the path of grief throws things at you. But having the ability to get my feelings out  has helped...if helped is the right word.... There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. Your daughter fought a brave fight to stay with you and her brother.  . You are probably doing so many "what ifs' in your mind.  You seem like you know to just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute.  It is a rough and rocky road ahead.  .  Cry when you need to, I am sure it will come often. There is nothing wrong with that. At some point the shock wears off even just a little and it does start to feel real and then there are whole moments and days when the pain is almost unbearable. It can seem as if you are coping better and then a trigger sets it all right up front again. And sometimes it just comes out of nowhere. Sharing your pain can help you process it. Your grief is your own and you will grieve in your own way and your own time. Grief does not come with instructions. It is up and down, through tunnels and a drop like a roller coaster ride. Hold on with both hands. And remember, you do not have to do this alone.  We are here for you.

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TearsInHeaven

Margarett, thanks for posting pictures of Jason and all your children.  I do appreciate it when we get to see a picture of your angel.   It really helps to see their face and make their life personal for all of us.  I really like when a parent can put that small picture on their profile because to me it is a reminder that these beautiful children/adults are what we are all about and keeps their meaning alive for me at least.  Good for you cooking. That is a good step.  When I read that I tried to think of when did I ever cook after our initial shock.  I cannot remember.  Those early months were such a painful fog. Please make sure you take care of yourself.  Your health is important to your family as well to yourself..

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Holy Sadness New Broken Mum, I am terribly sorry for this huge loss in your lives. I know that you feel guilty, we all did, but let that intellectual part of your brain win out here, that part of your brain knows you did everything to try to make sure of your Daughter, you took her to the Doctors three days in a row...Your Sweet Little One tried hard to hang on, and yes, I think she knew indeed that you were there...She knows. She likely also knows how deeply hurt you and her little Brother are. Does  your Son have a counselor at school to talk  with about his deep loss? We are here for you, and know that your pain will not scare us away, you can tell us whatever you need to tell, or retell your story because as Dianne and Lesley have pointed out, telling helps process...no way around grief, just through it as it demands our attention for sure. My 19 year old Girl died 14.5 years ago when a train hit her car at a broken crossing. She lived for 6 days afterwards, never awake and her brain was so very damaged, but I felt like she knew we were all there, gathered in her flickering light. Now we carry her around like a street lamp, shining her around everywhere we go. 

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Mermaid Tears

After we lost John David....our family has had the blessing of the miracle of birth....Wyatt John born in Dec. of 2012....Veto born in January of 2017.....those little hands have lots of healing in them.....

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Here it is, after midnight, and sleep evades me.  I am now on page 26 of the old posts.. mostly from 2005.  I also ordered the book "SUGAR COOKIES AND A NIGHTMARE"...how my daughter's death taught me the meaning of life".  And with AMAZON, heck , it will be here tomorrow-- maybe by drone!!  Anyway, it was recommended by someone on this site, and I really liked her entries on her website.  Oh, the author is Carol Kerns.  I will give you all a book report after I read it.

Tonight has been so weird for me.  Actually, I think I am just pissed.  I called the medical examiner 's office today, and was told it may be 90 days before I get the report.  I explained that I understand that the toxicology report can take that long, but surely the initial report should be available sooner.  I think I am getting the runaround and I will call the investigator tomorrow.  I have to be "MISS CONTROL" , you know.  

And even though we needed the rain...5 straight days of it?!?  Only in Texas.   But I am a very outdoor person, and actually have self diagnosed myself with some seasonal depressive disorder and with this grief, that ain't good.  I am the fool that can play 36 holes of golf in 100+degrees when I am accustomed to it.  Not sure I will be able to do that any more   Since Jason died, I am doing good to get a shower, and have zero desire to be around anyone in the human race.  Guess I could play 36 holes by myself.  Now that would be dumb.  Jason , Jeremy and I would play golf together.  I found out this past summer that they both secretly laughed at my swing.  What I would give to have Jason laugh at me again. Even though I didn't 'like' the amount of beer the boys drank while we played, it was to my advantage by the back nine. Being on the course with these 2 was always wonderful.... no cell phones... just us three... talking about everything and nothing. I just can't imagine him not being here.  I was doing a load of laundry today, and as I was folding the clothes, I remembered doing his laundry those 10 months that Jason lived with Mike and me 4 years ago when he moved here from Louisiana.  He would crack us up talking 'Cajun.  He kept telling me not to do his laundry... that he would do it.  I had to remind him that you didn't wash 3 loads In one, with all colors together!!!! Or me telling a 40 year old how to fold clothes. It was so damn funny.  

I miss him and want him to be here.  And he never will be again.

XXOO margarett 

 

 

 

 

 

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Margee--how awful...2 days before you knew!

i can't sleep much either. I really enjoyed hearing stories of your boy. I found initially I couldn't remember anything good..just imagining her lifeless body. When we saw her 5 days after (took them that long to get her home) she didn't look like her. Clearly they tried to resuscitate. I just wish I could stop focusing on what I could have or should have done.

Take care xoxo

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margrett there are reasons why paperwork take time as you know so there are no mistakes and hopefully definitive answers for you. I had to wait about 6 months for mine to come from Hawaii and then the coroner's verdict in the UK was not until 2017, Tommy died in 2015 .Grief does make you lose control in a way we are not used to. It batters down your protective ways and breaches your carefully put together work personna. You lose your child, you lose your mind ,you lose temporarily the keys to your heart, you lose your emotions you basically lose your **** .(excuse me) The person you thought you knew well becomes a scared angry and sometimes unstable person who needs to hide away in isolation, to lick their wounds, and try to understand what the heck to do and how to go on. Living becomes a chore, sleep flies out of the window, and self care that is way down the priority list, when all you want to do is climb into bed and hide under the covers. Yeah I know, I remember that really well. That is why we all say take it one day at a time frustrating as that is it is true. You are only strong enough to make it through that one day and then get up for the next one. I promise it will be ok one day just not right now but your friends here will guide and help you.

rebekahsmom your lovely girl did not look the same because her spirit, her joie de vivre, her spark had already flown. That was just the outer shell left behind. Think of it as a cocoon she has turned into a butterfly and is flying free and unrestrained she is happy she is ok. We left behind are not ok because the depth of the loss of a child is bottomless. The images you have of your Rebekah afterwards will fade and you will find snippets of happier memories come through and eventually whenever you remember her it will always be the laughing full of life girl she was before ok? As for blame for guilt we have all done it, thinking "what if? If I had done or said.......would it have made a difference? I could have, I should have...."The thing is that we humans do not have that power, that crystal ball to forsee the future. You need to absolutely know that what happened just happened and concentrate more on trying to keep moving forwards and not torture yourself because it is just a tragic tragic fact. One day you will be able to say "my daughter died" and not be inconsolable for hours. One day you will be able to tell her story to others face to face and be fairly calm, one day you will be able to do something positive in her memory and live your life as Rebekah would want you to. One day just not yet Ok? We women are stronger than people think we are, the lynchpin of every family and for our family we will make it through alright? Just believe.

We are all in recovery on this site. Some have been doing it longer, some have got a bit stuck and need pushing forwards to actually deal with grief and not let it fester, and some have made it to the other side and are kind enough to stay here and help the others. We all have something in common, we all lost a child, we all have known this agonising pain, we have all faltered and felt like giving in and giving up on life, we all know that is not what our spirit child would want or be happy with, and we should all try to have the common goal of recovery and making our spirit child proud of who we have become.

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Dearest Lettie:   You lost your precious daughter on the same day that I lost Jason.  I wish I had some advice or something to tell you, but I don't right now.  I am still in such a stage of flux that I can't even make any sense to myself, much less anyone else.  But, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers;  I will watch carefully for your posts;  and, I am here for you.

XXOO margarett 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Luanne for your post back. EKR is one of my favorite people, she helped me immensely in my grief journey with her writings and sharings.

Also, Lesley for the well-wishes for my mom.

Thanks, Dee for the good wishes. It has been very hectic here for me...so I have been skimming the posts. I thought of you too when I was dealing with some of the really stupid things he was doing...know you have endured a lot too growing up...what was already a sad Christmas just spun around worse with my mom's health crisis. Thanks for being there.

To All Newcomers, I am sorry that you have been thrust into a very unwanted journey...it is very difficult and the tears that come are many. However, I have found that the people who post in this site are very welcoming and also understand what is really like to endure child loss...I had no one in my immediate circle or community to share with...who wanted to understand child loss as it really is...

Many people who I initially let in I had to put back out again...as they had their own definitions of what I needed to do, and very much dishonored me as I sought for justice for my son. Drawing the line with others at time meant loneliness but was necessary. If someone has not had child loss they have no clue to the enormous struggle one faces day after day.

I recently attended a meditation session...as a new person moved into our community. She is a nurse with a lot of background in meditation and Tai Chi. We did a meditation on Wed that was about settling ones mind down -- one point of the meditation was to imagine sending love to  yourself. I found that perhaps the hardest part of it...(it was a love and compassion meditation)... I have not mastered this at all...but thought that perhaps it was a good thing that may be another tool in the tool box of suffering. I think of some of the lines as to what will be one day...if not now, in the next. 

 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Kate, I can't remember if I responded to your email or not...but wanted to thank you for the kind note. As we have been sitting here through our 3rd Ice storm, I can't help but think of you way further north! I am sort of forgetful lately so apologize if I did not get back.

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peggy a sad mom

Rebekhas mom I don't sleep much either guess it's normal for certain brains not to want to shut down even for a few hours. I had the wake four days after my son passed and he looked great I know I should be happy about that but I'm not   no matter what the case is we are still hurting so much no matter what. It should not have happened to any of us

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Rebekahsmom------I'm sorry that you are having such bad days.  I hope that you

will continue to come to this site.  Everyone understands.  Peace to you, friend.

 

HAPPY    HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY, ........SWEET  JABOA.....ANGEL.

Leah----glad to hear that you are recuperating from your surgeries. One surgery is

bad enough.....let alone more than one.  So glad that your Drs. say that you are doing 

well.  It does take time, as you know......so rest and take it easy.  Peace.

 

Brokenmum------I am so sorry for your loss of your dear daughter so recently.  This

is a good place to come and read/post when you wish, and everyone here understands the

loss of a child who left this world too soon. Reading and posting is up to the person.....there

are no hard & fast rules here for this.  It is open to all who have lost a child. Being with others

who truly understand can help.  Your loss is so recent, and my heart goes out to you and 

all the others who are new to this journey.  Please come back when you feel you want to.

 

LouAnn----I agree.....many times others don't understand the depth of the loss, pain,

and despair when a child dies.  I'm sorry that some in your family are not more

supportive and sympathetic.  You have had a lot of sorrow with your loss of Kira,

and then your dad.  Crying is something that comes from the heart.....a heart that

is broken will cry.

Susan---Thanks for the screen shot & writing.  Words of wisdom. Also, thanks for

the pics.  Little Vito is so cute, and growing.   Prayers for your health.

 

Samantha---Good to see your post.  How are you doing?

 

Peggy-----You are right......when we lose a beloved child,  the heart is forever broken.

That doesn't change because the love we have for them can't change, and they are

with us forever. 

Laura-----Good to see your post.  Sorry to hear your mom has not been well . Sending

prayers for her recovery.

 

Margeetx----I'm glad that your son had a visitation dream of Jason.  I , so, know what a

"visitation" dream is about.  Once in awhile I will have one of my David, or even of my

baby Lisa who died many years ago.  In these dreams,  there is no words spoken, or

conversation,  but I am so happy to have them because I can feel that they are ok.  While

you said that you have not had a dream yet,......it will come,  just when you least expect it.

We cannot will the dreams to come, but,.... they come to us, and we are thankful to get them

and they warm the heart.

Niquesmom-----The 2 month mark on this unwanted journey is so very early.  so, crying,

wailing, and all of the other emotions that will hit are the new reality for the grieving parent.

Please keep coming to this site.  I wish you peace.

 

WISHING  PEACE  AND TRANQUILITY  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom----sherry

 

 

 

 

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Peggy:  are you ok?  You have been on my mind all day for some reason.  Let me hear from you.

XXOO margarett 

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Laurie, I will listen to the piece you posted later on tonight. I am glad that you continue to find ways to develop more peace in your life, I hope the meditation works...however I do understand that barrier you feel in sending love to yourself...especially in the face of so much turmoil with Mom's health and issues with father. Those alone, but added to that the losses in your life and the ways you have worked to keep your family working as a unit in the face of that makes it hard to look at yourself sometimes, and see what everyone around you sees. I see a wonderful nurturer, a supportive and loving mom, a grandmom who fights for the rights of her grandies, a hard working woman who juggles two jobs and finds energy to also take care of her Mom when needed. And so I hope that you continue to try this meditation that asks you to send yourself love, it will feel so good when you are able to do just that.

Margee, I am glad that you were able to share your good memories with us here today. Not only does it help the others that are new here, it allows us to get to see your life and your Children through your stories. I love that your Kids had a bit of joke about your swing...my kids too had some jokes about the way I did things: dance at weddings, sing while driving...I have never golfed and Lord knows I should never try...Anyhow, thank you.

Rebekah's Mom, sleep is something that will remain elusive for a while more than likely. I always have to have a good book on my bedside table, I need someone elses' story when I cannot sleep, I need to have the story of someone else to take me out of my issues. When in early grief, I read a lot of books that were grief based, so in some ways it fed into my greif but still, it was someone's story and not my own. Everyone develops their own way of coping through the hard to sleep times. Some folks go to the doctor to get some assistance with sleep while still others develop some new habits like yoga and meditation to help them through those hard times. Understand that the symptoms and stages of grief, are fairly universal, though we may not go through them in the same order, chances are we have all experienced most of them.

Lettie, you and Margee share a date that marks your saddest times, hold hands and travel this path together alongside us as you find your way. You will find your way. We are all here to make sure of that.

To all of you that are so new to this, I hope that at the end of each day you are able to know that you are working hard to make it through each day and making your sweetheart Child very proud of the hard work you are doing in order to continue forward. Even when it may not feel like forward movement. We know what it takes to put one foot in front of the other and to fulfill all the many things  you do in your lives. Jobs, family, obligations, paying bills, all that it takes and we are holding your hands and your hearts as you do this.

Tina, I am thinking of you and wishing you back here to let us know how you are. Please keep in mind that nobody wanted you to leave this place...I mean if you are more comfortable I get that, but we can all agree to disagree here. We are all still here for you Tina as you begin that march toward the first anniversary.

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I am sooooooo sorry.    I meant LETTIE, not Peggy.

XXOO margarett 

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Hi Daveydow1, I feel like I am on the biggest roller coaster ride of my life. One minute I am OK. The next minute I am down & out crying buckets. Learning to take a minute at a time. (Sorry I can't go any faster). The Sun peeks every now & then. Which I am grateful for. I read more than I write. Sometimes I try posting but I don't know what I am doing. I am still learning how this site works. 

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Dee:  I have a housekeeping question.  How would I find all of the posts by a certain person? Can you?

Thanks  XXOO margarett

 

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Actually Margee, I haven't a clue...I am that person, not computer inquisitive, I just have been on the site for 14.5 years, but I post and read and at one time, posted photos in a gallery on the site. I will go hunt around and see what i can see. I saw that you wrote that you were reading back in 2005...you have probably seen mine and Sherry's old posts as well as some of the mostly women we met along the years: Carol, Trudi, Bonnie, and so many more. Sherry and I met here in 2004, both of us losing our Children in the summer of 2003. A month apart.

If I find any way to accomplish what you are looking to do, I will let you know.

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So strange the last couple of days I have the Christmas Carol and specifically the verse... "I'll be home for Christmas, you can count on me"..it goes through my mind at the oddest times. I wonder If it's rebekah in a way letting me know she's at peace. Like I've said before Christmas...I will never look forward to again. Dec 17th is our Angel date.

Just thought I'd share.

Xoxo hope you are all doing ok. Thanks for the replys everyone I read and appreciate them all.

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Rebekahsmom, I believe there's a meaning to everything. I also believe our children are closer to us then we think or feel. As the days past I sit here going over & over my past. As I think it may have been less then three months before my son Anthony passed away so many weird things happened in our family. None of it felt weird at the time. I think about It & I wonder if God was preparing us before he took our son. By sending these signs we totally missed at the time.  Maybe she's trying to send a message. I kept asking my son to let me know he's ok. I had a dream of Anthony about a week or so after he passed. In the dream, I was in the garden & I took up at the back widows to my house. I saw my husband, Anthony & my youngest son Josh standing in the window. Anthony was in the middle of them pushed up a little. I got off my knees & ran in screaming husband's name & yelling Anthony's not dead. In the dream as I run up the stairs to grab Anthony & hug him, he runs into his bed room & put his face in the bed. As I approach his bed room door. I get this feeling he wants to be left alone. I close his bed room door. Saying he's ok he wants to be alone. In the dream I felt Anthony was ok. I woke up feeling he was ok, But I had an extremely deep lonely feeling over me. Maybe once the pain eases I will feel him closer. I hope.    

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TearsInHeaven

Sarah, I don't know what your beliefs are but my first thought when you shared about the Christmas carol and with Rebekah's angel date right before Christmas.... well my thought was that she was was "going home" for Christmas. So maybe that was a sign from her to let you know she was in Heaven and was well.

Samantha, I am thinking Anthony is reaching out.Understanding that lonely feeling afterwards but try to let the comfort he sent step forward.

Luanne, Kate, well done my Canadian friends with the Olympic Hockey Bronze.  Had the game on early here... a little nerve wracking that last 3 minutes.  

Had some addition work on my veins... seems like after my summertime procedures, my left leg wants to continue to need additional treatment. Got to love the gazillion needle sticks...My right leg took to the treatments great and is pain free but the left.... maybe because it was worse and I'm left handed????  Just taking it easy today..the giant puddle from the rains is almost gone and you know I am liking the temps creeping up.  Take care of yourselves and think one small good thing today.  It is out there waiting for you to see it.

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Oh Dianne, I sure hope you heal quickly and with less and less pain. I agree with you about the thought of Rebekah letting her Mom know that she is indeed home for Christmas...Sarah, I believe that your instincts to her sending you this song are correct...we shed some of the barriers that allow us to feel our Kids in new ways, it is good. It will allow you to know she is near as Samantha said. I believe our Kids are nearby as well and Samantha, the events that took place in our lives for the three months prior to Erica's death, also were in my opinion, signs that this terrible loss was approaching. I will go into at another time if you wish. That dream definitely sounds like Anthony is at peace, he was letting you know it is okay that he is in his room...in his new room. The loneliness is definitely something I felt strongly, that because I was the only one feeling things the way I was, I was alone with this grief. I had a lot of people to share it with, I am lucky in that, but still, there remained a lonely sense simply because my Girl was no longer here to hold and laugh with. I miss her all the time, but I do know that she is better than fine...

I have been a bit under the weather with a bout of dizzy that I get when my sinus act up, three days of off kilter and I sure wish it would go away.

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Good Saturday to all:  I am finally getting to sit outside for a little while.  We had frog strangling rain all morning, and now the sun is trying to peek out.  I have been unable to think of anything but Jason since last night.  I was putting away the pictures that my dgt-in-law had used at out GET TOGETHER for Jason exactly 4 weeks ago today, and I am attaching one of my favorites.  He had graduated high school, and I am wearing 3" heels...he was about 6'4".  It is of my second marriage.  Mind you, that marriage didn't count... only lasted 18 months.  I was such an idiot.  I swear, no one should do anything life altering during their 40th year, but that is an entirely different story, for perhaps a different forum.  I am sitting on my deck that Jason built, entirely by himself.  He was quite the carpenter, union member- the whole sha-bang. ( is that a word?). I will get out today... I have to get some notecards to write thank you notes.  Hopefully all will forgive my delay.  I should have pulled out the I-Pad last nite....I had some things I wanted to share, but now I am drawing a blank.  Note to self:  next time, do it.

XXOO margarettIMG_0241.thumb.JPG.17e258dde36010106c703b512b28e57c.JPGtt 

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Thanks guys, Ericsmom I hope you feel better soon. I hope I can dream of him again. 

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Thanks Samantha, and in fact I am so much better due to a friend reminding me to lie on the floor and roll only to the right, that it dislodges the crystals that accummulate in the inner ear for folks with vertigo...damn, it worked. I feel 100% better. I was unable to move my head without feeling loopy and dizzy earlier today and then I did the roll, and voila', I am able to move like my old self. Hope it continues.

Margee, love the reference to a frog strangler, first time I heard that was way way long ago and my first husband laughed so hard he could not drive. Very apt description. Glad that you could get outside today, I go nuts if I don't get out a lot. And I hate HATE hot weather but do get out in it when we have it, but you likely don't like the cold, which I do, andlove being out in it. Mostly though, spring and fall are most enjoyable. Love the photo, and love that you are able to look fondly at these memories. I love that the marriage did not count due to its 18 month life...you are funny.

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dee i shall keep the tip in mind for dizzy spells just roll around on the floor just to the right and show people you have really lost the plot!! Seriously if it works it is good to know. older people get vertigo partly because their hearing is going possibly something to do with the little hairs not picking up vibrations and the little bones in there calcifying and not conducting sound so well.

margarett nice photo what a tall handsome man he was. You are pretty tall too I am a fast shrinking 5ft 5'! I laughed too at your did not count marriage comment and the observation that after 40 not doing anything radical. hey I am 52 and dont plan on doing anything radical ever again and that includes a second marriage once bitten twice shy I say. The only radical things I had wanted to do were trying waterskiing, and doing a charity parachute jump but the osteoporosis and totally buggered up ankle precludes me from any activity sports now!

dianne hope yr legs improve sounds quite painful having lots of mini injections. is that acupuncture treatment or something for varicose veins?

samantha dream visitations can be difficult to interpret but are welcomed all the same. My interpretation of your dream is that he was telling you he is still part of your family and around all of you still part of the group. He hides his face on the bed to illustrate that although you cannot see his face  like now, he is still there with you. You can open the door of your mind and still find him. Grief is really a roller coaster. Sometimes I can talk to a family member about Tommy and be dry eyed just wistful and sad inside. Another time just a couple of words said and the tears just erupt from nowhere. All normal you just cant always predict how it will go either way. The good part is that you can have those few tears and be ok again whereas before i would have been sobbing for ages and ages. I think it is like a little safety valve inside you that when the pressure reaches a high level it spontaneously lets out a  stream of tears and emotions and is then quiet again until the pressure builds up again. Self regulating.

laurie I will listen to that when I have some quiet time so I can concentrate on it. I use self talk internally and breathing to bring down my anxiety levels when something sets them off. Self healing is the best healing however you choose to do it.

rebekahsmom our spirit children do send strange messages to us sometimes. Maybe The Christmas Carol was illustrating the past present and future and how Scrooge sees his future and changes his behaviours to happier and joyful ones instead of living in the present in misery and regrets. The Xmas song is self explained she is "home" and happy and will still continue to be part of all your Xmases in the future.

So I am having a hard time sleeping the last couple nights it is now just past 3am and I feel I can go back to bed now and get some zzzzz's. i went to bed at 11 and did the usual quiet bedtime routine etc but sleep eluded me so in the end I get up and watch tv or do a codeword puzzle something that is easy on the brain until I feel I can sleep. My ankle has been particularly painful since the cast came off and I am in a boot part weight bearing and is always worse and more swollen at night perhaps it needs the pain meds to kick in more quickly. Either that or I am turning into a nocturnal creature like an owl!

I hope you all get a chance to do something you enjoy tomorrow whether its cheering for the Olympics, spending time with family, cooking, reading or music, walking, knitting anything as long as it is good for your soul, before your work week starts all over again.

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Lesley, I am sure that I looked crazy, but the crystals that form in our ears get dislodged or something, and it is the eppey or eppley exercise that is what assists, and from what I read tonight, it is a series of laying down on the right, then holding tha pose for 30 seconds, rolling to the center, holding, roll to the left, etc...so at some point, I will go to a doc to find out which side is most affected, I believe it is my left ear, and yes, I have tinitus and some hearing loss. But I did what my friend said and by goodness, it worked. Ahhh. I have meglazine if I get ill from it, like I have a few times in the last 4 years. It is called Benign Proxysmal Positional Vertigo. BPPV. So I am off to bed with many pillows as the websites suggest a 45 degree angle for sleep after a bout. I wish you some sleep Lesley, I am sure that the ankle aggravates a smooth sleep...but it will get better.

 

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Hey everyone....I hope with some time, and my brain is out of the fog, I will be able to remember everyone's names....right now, I can't remember *£?t.   Thanks for the compliments on the picture, and yes, I am tall---5'11".   Oh I am sure that I have shrunk some, since I  am now looking 67 straight in the eyes in June. I just spent 2 hours on the phone with Jeremy ( younger brother). He had a hard day today, was crying, and we just needed to talk.  He is the father to my two grandsons- Carson, 11 and Ryder, 3.  He was concerned about church in the morning; he is fearful that if one person asks him how he is, that he will breakdown crying.  And, he does not not want that to happen.  We talked at length about this;  I told him that if he was fearful of this happening... don't go tomorrow. I understand how he feels.  I went to the grocery store one morning this past week....saw the tank with the live lobsters, and nearly lost it because Jason LOVED lobsters. 

This is not getting any easier.  I need more time.  I need for this to have never happened. Period.

XXOO margarett 

 

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Margarett,

Your suggestion to Jeremy is right on.  He does not want to talk about it with others.  Each of us is different.  I could not stop talking about my Brian.  Right now, you are just trying to survive one day,one minute, one breath.  As time goes on you will learn life skills.

One thing I learned that may help Jeremy is the following

"I have a choice on who I include in my life struggles and who I do not."  

This served me well when I was asked "How many children do you have?"  For people who I will never see again, I say " 3 children" and change the subject or ask them a question (some people will love to talk about themselves).  If these people will be part of my life, I will expand to 2 living children and an Angel with our Lord.  

For Jeremy, he has no obligation to tell anyone how he feels.  He can say "ok" and move on.  We have more power over our situations than we think.  This is a skill that allows you to blow-people-off, but still be nice about it.

Many more of those to come, as I think of them.  It seems my life has turned into the use of life-skills to survive.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

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Margarett--i have days like that was well.

I cant see certain things and i instantly think of her and feel like i want to crawl out of my skin.

Like you have said colleen about answering how many children I have I think I will just say 5 and move on.

The last week or so I have been feeling edgy and frazzled in the evening. Quick with the other kids and just want to disappear. I think what's happening is it's the same time the 1st police phoned my home to confirm address at 630ish and 750ish he arrived to inform us. I think unconsciously I'm always thinking of it.

So far today is ok. It's been 10 weeks this morning, but no tears yet. I'm sure it will happen this evening .

Hope everyone is doing as good as expected.

Xoxo

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Tommy's mum, THANK YOU! For the great interpretation of my dream. It really helps to understand. 

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Hi Margeetx, One thing I came to not like after my son Anthony's passing was someone asking me HOW ARE YOU?  So I made a t-shirt that says:     ( PLEASE DON'T ASK! JUST SAY HELLO ) if I ever figure out how to post a picture on this site I will post a picture of my t- shirt.

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Great t-shirt idea Samantha, very clever and you could really sell those to those who feel similarly...

As Colleen stated Margee, there are more of those times to come, and your advice to your Son was right on. Poor sweetie, and then you can also tell him tha tone day he might just let those tears flow in front of those who ask...my answer to many was, I am doing all that I can each day to make life meaningful. I cried and let those who asked deal with that...if you really want to know, then here is my answer mixed with my salty output.

Rebekah's mom, are you Sarah? Sorry, I just don't have all of your names...but yes, as I said in an earlier post, I found my agitation and reliving of things to be at the time we received the phone call from the chaplain at the trauma center in Michigan, good thing we did not know at the time, that she was a chaplain...long drive on a rainy july night from chicago. So every night at around 8:00 I started my agitation until after the call time: 9:20...It took some physical changes to what I was doing at that time in my night to change the agitation, but you are very young on this walk, so this really is a natural reaction to the unnatural loss of a Child. Maybe talk with your other Children and explain if you can, that the time of evening really gets to you, it could be that it also gets to them, and maybe going for a walk or something different at that time of day will help.

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Yes I'm Sarah (rebekahs mom).

I'm glad I'm not imagining things...thanks for the advice.

Great idea Samantha!

Today is beautiful out going to take the pup for a walk.

 

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Gosh Dee, I'm glad that you shared that bit of advice regarding the ear. My MIL suffered from meniere's (sp) disease. It affected her terribly for a period of time. Another thing that they told her not to eat was shellfish which for some reason seemed to trigger a reaction. Wish I had know about your suggestion when she was alive.

Laurie, yes you did message me. Thanks for your kind thoughts. Hopefully things will begin to settle over the next few weeks for you with the family dynamics.

Lesley, that ankle sounds pretty sore. I bet you are glad the operation is now behind you. How long did they feel the recovery period would be?

It took me ages to say that my son was dead, I actually tell people that I have two sons and one has passed away. I then quickly change the subject. Some will gladly switch to another subject but there are times that someone will ask what happened. I usually don't go into detail. As Colleen mentioned I find that if I feel I will not really be seeing these people again then it really is not necessary to share the details.

 To everyone new on the site...hold on with both hands. You are at the beginning of this long journey and it is a difficult one. I am glad that you have found this site to help offer the support you need by sharing with those that understand so well what this is like.

Diane...thanks, yes they did well in the Olympics. We took more medals than I think we anticipated. I am really going to miss Tessa and Scott. Remarkable team they made.  I hope that your leg heals quickly.

Decided to delete the event with the dog. It really is not my event to share and I know that people are basically closed to these things. 

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Today is my 12th anniversary with my husband,  and I cannot bring myself to celebrate.  I made some cookies for my son and brownies for my husband,  and that's all I can do. No gift,  no card,  no decorations.  He has been so supportive,  washing all the dishes and laundry,  making sure our son is fed and bathed.  I wish my daughter was here,  even though she wouldn't have celebrated with us,  is just wrong for her to not be here. I am dealing with trying to get her w-2 forms as neither arrived.  1 was returned to the employer,  not sure why,  she lived with us for the last 7 months while she was working,  she received mail at our home,  why would they be returned? I feel as if i am living to die,  and that's a terrible feeling because I still have my husband and son. 

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margrett it does get easier in time. If your brother is faced with that question again advise him to just raise his hand and walk away. It shows you are too full of emotion to be able to reply and to be honest why should you have to bare yourself in public? most people have been close to a death in their family so can ususally get the unspoken message of "don't ask me I can't talk about it yet". remember you choose who you want to be privy to your feelings and thoughts no one has a right. If they feel they do have a right then they do not deserve to be part of your inner circle.

colleen ah yes that dreaded question of how many kids do you have? I always tell the truth and say 4 because I do have 4 children and always will. I then if prompted talk a bit about the ages and universities and jobs etc of my 3 living ones and immediately ask about their children etc. If they realise I have only spoken about the 3 I look at the ground and say "My eldest child was killed in an accident". and leave it there. They will always apologise and look a bit shocked. Sometimes that is the conversation ender and that is fine. If they ask and i feel comfortable telling them Tommy's story I will but if I am not very in control of my feelings that day or do not feel I owe them an explanation, I just say "sorry it's too hard still to talk about" and that is the polite ender. I promise in time it gets easier to be able to talk about with people but that loss and sadness is always there inside.

samantha I am glad you found some comfort. I strongly believe our spirit children are always with us. If I am having a tough time I just close my eyes and ask Tommy to help me. It always works for me. I know several people who also do that and they too find it helpful. signs whether they are dream visitations or physical signs are so welcoming to the sorrowing heart. Some people who are sceptical may disagree but we know. I read a great quote that says "Sometimes i just smile and say thank you, I know that was you". Tears will often flow but later on more smiles come, this is also true. Love the T shirt idea that made me laugh. My friend back in PA was in an accident and had a cast on her arm, a strapped up ankle and a black eye from the airbag and she got a shirt that said "Please just don't ask. You are the tenth person today!" and a smiley face. Yep it worked!

niquesmom it does feel like you are existing not living for a long time but as you gather strength over time slowly the joy and thankfulness for who you have comes back. My kids felt I loved tommy the most after I had my breakdown and suicide attempt. I just explained that losing any one of my children was devastating and that a piece of you goes with them into the afterlife. They will only understand that feeling when they have their own children. Unconditional love for each individual life that you have grown inside your body or adopted or welcomed via a marriage. Each one loved fiercely and forever. Death ends a life not a relationship. I also explained that Tommy was the hardest to keep loving because he had ADHD and bipolar and self medicated with drugs to cope during some periods of his life.Those behaviours, poor choices and the trouble that comes along with the drugs at times made me very angry very sad and scared and fearful but I always always told my son I loved him and was proud of the attempts he made to get his life together and my belief that he would succeed one day. He did, but was still robbed of his life. Now I am further along in my journey but still not fully healed i am thankful he was given to us and grateful for the life lessons and experiences he taught me. I have a greater understanding of addiction, homelessness, tough love, and parenting a child with mental illness, and hope that I can help others as Tommy did  because knowledge, understanding and compassion are just as strong as loss.

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Niquees momma, Iknow that you feel empty, and that an anniversary holds little for you this year, but by next year you may feel differently...you have two boys who need you in one way or another, and you haven't had time to just hole-up and grieve...my heart to you as you try to figure out who you are right now...just know that you will find pieces of you that you recognize along the way and you will develop some new parts too. Do your best taking care of you and thank your Husband for being able to do what he is...

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Thanks guys, 

I thought I was doing good. But this morning things got really bad. I broke, I lost it. I had no control over myself. I totally lossed it. I am better now. I think I need to see a doctor & buy a punching bag. So full of anger. 

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A doctor and a punching bag are two good tools Samantha. Anger is part of the whole grief journey...sometimes we are unsure as to who we are angry with, others know exactly who they are angry with...it varies but it is one element that needs to be dealt with somehow. Remember, losing it is not bad, letting loose the tears and anger are necessary.  I wish you some sleep.

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Ericasmom, Well the bad thing is I don't no who to be made at. I feel as though I am pissed at the world & god. I feel bad for my husband & my younger son they put up with me. I just couldn't help myself. I apologized for my behavior. They excepted it. This is the second outburst since my son passed. I am afraid it will not be my last. I still so pissed & I feel so bad.:(   

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Hello everyone:  I hope that those with the physical problems will begin to have healing;  I hope the ringing in the ears will resolve to a more tolerable level, even if you have to roll around on the floor most of the time.( as a nurse, I have heard of this working).   For those that are continuing with the heartache, anguish, unbelievability of it all, and the misery... I pray that we all will have some moments of relief.

All day today, my Mother has been in my thoughts.  She died in 1993, at 78, following a stroke.  But what I have been thinking about... she married at age 14; then she gave birth to 11 children.  I was third from the youngest.  What I have been thinking about .. she lost 2 children before I was ever born.  A brother who drown at Point Clear, Florida, at age 7...an undertow in the Gulf of Mexico (very much like the child in the book I just read, SUGAR COOKIES AND A NIGHTMARE), and a daughter at age 9 months from scarlet fever.  These 2 siblings were born way before I was.  In the drowning, Gerald was with his two older brothers, and my Mother and Dad were fishing off a pier and the kids were swimming near the pier.

My Dad was in the Air Force, and Gerald's body was recovered 7 days later...23 miles away.  June was born and died before Gerald.  June was a twin;  the other baby was a boy, stillborn.  

My thoughts all day were most likely sparked by the book.  I never heard my parents mention these children...never.  When my grandmother died, my oldest sister and I drove 4 hours to the funeral, and she told me he entire story of each.  She was 9-10 years old, so she had vivid memories about June and Gerald.  How on this earth did my mother manage to raise all of us...I remember a family of 8-4 boys and 4 girls.  Daddy was gone for long periods of time -  WW II and Korea.  We moved a lot... we were all born in different states.  I spent my first year in Germany.  Mother's passport is her, surrounded by 6 children.  She did talk about 4 of us having the chicken pox on the boat over... can you imagine?  

My parents were both born in southern Alabama, and we moved back there when daddy retired.  So I have always considered myself as southerner.  

My mother was a strong woman, with quite the personality.  I am thinking.. how did she manage.. loosing 2 children, and then she also buried 2 sons before she died.  Daddy died 20 years before Mother  How did she do it?

and I am a mess over Jason.   Nothing compared to what she went through.  I wish I could call my older sister but she died  8 years ago of a brain tumor.

This is all so sad and I am miserable.  Sorry about dumping all of this.

XXOO margarett 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Al

 

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