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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Samantha and Peggy-----I am so glad that you have found your way here.  You mentioned

screaming......I believe that most all of us here at this site has done that sometimes.  By

telling it here at BI, you can rest assured that everyone understands.   I believe that telling

someone else that you have screamed in pain, sorrow, and loss can help...to just "say" it to

someone who gets it 100%.  I knew, early on in this journey, that telling a coworker, or even

a friend about screaming would just not be the same as saying it here where everyone knows

where you are coming from.  Please keep coming back to this site.

 

Dee-----thanks for your heartfelt poem.  Also,  love that you have peace signs all around in

the classroom. These symbols and their meaning will no doubt stay with your pupils for a

lifetime.  It's funny.....the hippie era and the 60's ....was  50 yrs. ago....but the PEACE SIGN

remains a recognizable symbol everywhere.  

Georgina-----I hope that your daughter will stay well, and bring a beautiful baby into the world.

Also, hope that the counseling will help your other daughter repair her marriage.  Peace to

you and your family.

Colleen-----Soon the days will be sunnier and warmer.  The birds at the bird sanctuary

where you visit will be waiting for you. :D 

 

LouAnn------I, too, like that saying from Shawshank Redemption...(a very good movie).  I

need to do the things you have been doing in your household......clearing out "stuff".  Yes,

it is difficult to ever part with things that belonged to a beloved child who left this world too soon.....

I know and we must do what we feel  is right for us at the time.  Heaven know I still have plenty of 

other "stuff" that needs to be donated.    I still have a few of Lisa's  little clothes and toys, and she passed in 1970. 

 Also,  still have a lot of things that belonged to David.  I have launched a campaign to clean out a lot of stuff and

donate it......things that my other kids will definitely not want.  I need not worry that I am giving anything

away that they would want. They have different lifestyles and tastes, and don't want any of my stuff. Love the pic

of your kitty,  Lily, with her head in the dip container.   Kitties are so curious, aren't they? :)

Dianne-----Thanks for posting the song......I have always liked it.

Sandy----thinking of you as Sarah's  Angel Day approaches.

Susan----I agree with your post....well said.

 

WISHING    PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,.......sherry

 

  

  

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peggy a sad mom

sherry thanks tomorrow is a month for me i'm still screaming and yelling. i still can't believe he is gone. i miss him so much. no one understands me and its only a month. the only people that could understand this is all of you. i pray this never happens to any family or friends cause i know my hurt would be there for them. i know it hurts more then anything in this world. can't even imagine going through this twice like you had to. i only know the one and now i thank god he was my only one. parents worry all the time about their kids but for it really to come true it is just not believable.

thank you everyone for listening again you are the only ones who understand

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colleen in the UK if you make the V sign with your fingers facing outwards it means peace or Victory, if you face them inwards and flick them up and down it means "F  k off". When my Tommy went to preschool the American kids taught him the middle finger telling him it was hallo. He came home quite upset when he was told off and I had to explain what it meant! Cultural differences!!

susan I think there are several factors that come into play 1.the kid had a troubled home life before adoption and could possibly have developmental delays and then his adoptive mum died. 2. he was always a strange kid as evidenced by the other students comments so perhaps felt very isolated and alone and was probably bullied. 3.he took solitary control of things by learning to use violence. However every kid knows right from wrong and that killing is bad even if they have psychological problems. The act was carefully planned and executed with the addition of setting off the alarms to get more kids out of the classrooms. That indicates a psychopathic and clever personality who planned carefully for a maximum result. He also chose not to kill himself but to try and outwit the authorities and even went to buy food etc afterwards because he had no empathy a classic psychopath trait. He is definitely damaged but also competent to stand trial and take the consequences for his awful actions. Although he was grieving he showed definite clear signs of needing control and using aggression to get different responses. I agree violent killing video games definitely have a damaging effect on young vulnerable minds and that parents do need to uphold rules in their homes with consequences for their choices and not let their kids run riot expecting teachers to cure them. That is not the teachers job teaching morals and empathy and good choices must be learned at home by good example. I know several families who had guns and never had any issues with their kids because they taught respect and safety for guns and used them for killing animals to eat. My personal thoughts are that killing animals for sport ior trophies is quite sick, for eating is totally different. I do believe America has caused this problem by selling the types of weapons they do. If you were only allowed a shotgun or rifle for hunting then should an individual go rogue there would be far less fatalities. licenses and rules for not allowing domestic violence or offenders or those with psychiatric conditions to purchase weapons is a no brainer and commonsense. I am very sad to say that everyone should protest and bring awareness to the gun problem because we have a right to our voice to be heard but the devil is in the details and the NRA have too much power backed by politician approval and the money generated is huge so nothing much will change. I fear there will be many many more of these tragedies in the future which is horrifying and beyond believing, but there will always be sick individuals who believe in a cause or want to erradicate a group because of their own personal agendas and to make headlines for their own fame. The innocent will suffer and we will grieve alongside them with the knowledge that nothing will change for the better. If i was still in America I would go out and support my children in school walk outs just as i stood beside them on the teacher picket lines supporting the teachers, and I emailed the school superintendents and principals in protest of "kick a ginger" day and not allowing the girl sports teams to wear their sport jerseys at school like the boys did. We must all follow our instincts and do what we can to right wrongs and sometimes you win ie the womens right to vote and segregation being abolished, and some will fail but not for lack of trying. Peace and goodwill and kindness towards others should be something we all strive for to try and make this world a better and safer place and can be taught by parent example.

on a lighter note Louanne love that kitty photo so funny. my cat is such a buddy to me as I live alone and animals display unconditional love and devotion we have a lot to learn from them.

georgina good to hear from you I am wishing both your daughters well.

To all the rest of us, you are all doing so well and making progress. grief sucks but together we will overcome it and one day the newbies will be far enough along to repeat the cycle of kindness to other newbies and offer the perspectives they have learned on the way from the members who helped them. I wish you all peace.

 

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Lesley

Thanks for setting me straight about the peace sign and finger wagging....I will make sure to never invert and wiggle my peace sign when in the UK.

I took a mental health day from work today.  Did some reading and exercised.  It is raining outside in Wisconsin.  Watching a feel-good movie and snuggling with my kitties.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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Good to see you Susan and Colleen today, and Sherry too. Yes, Susan, I had seen that piece by the teacher, a friend from my school sent it to me...and I agree with her on many points but still, those Kids are going to march on Washington and I am beaming at their strength to name their march, "March for our Lives". To take this beyond their pain and make it a movement is so so important. Awareness around our country and beyond as to what Washington could and should do to make our schools safer. Eighteen shootings on school grounds in 6 weeks is not all about or because of parenting and video games and music/pop culture, though it certainly adds to the problems children have... It is also about accessibility and mental health. It was 19 years ago that Columbine occurred, sadly it is almost 20 years that this has become far too commonplace. Like that teacher, I love the heck out of my students and I really would like them to grow up feeling that school is a safe place to be.

How are you feeling Susan? How is that sweet Baby Man of yours? How are all of the Grandies? What are the doctors saying as to your healing?

Colleen glad that you are having a good day to yourself. When I was little I watched a lot of war movies with my Mom...I loved the movies that my mom watched, maybe just to have time next to her, don't know, but I came to enjoy the war movies about WW2 especially, and really watching them today is humorous as they are definitely AMERICAN HERO slanted, like we did nothing wrong of course, and the victory sign was used in these as well, so in the 60's when we began to use the peace sign, my mom would say, what victory are you signaling...no mom, it's a peace sign.

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What a crappy day it has been.  I missed friday because my son had an ear infection,  and no one on my team cared to ask if he was ok.  I got my feelings hurt, so I went to my car and cried and screamed for 15 minutes. Wish I did not have to work. This sucks,  miss my daughter,  feeling alone.

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My girl is in heaven

Peggy and niques I mom. Sometimes this grief journey can be very lonely.  It took me six years of being hurt again and again and again before I accepted that friends and family, coworkers,  ....they cared a very little bit for a very short time in the beginning.  I know no one can truly understand unless they have been thru so some people give them a pass but I don’t.  Even though I never knew this kind of pain before I know I would not have been as insensitive and uncaring as people have been to me.  I know it is hard but try to have no expectations from  the people in your life then u won’t get disappointed.  That was rude to not inquire about your son or ask how u r doing.and Peggy yes it is unbelievable and sometimes it can take awhile before the reality sinks thru every square inch of your being.    My daughters birthday was in January and not one of my 4 siblings acknowledged it but I didn’t expect them to.  I don’t even ask myself why anymore, that’s just what the world is like.  I know that I am the mama and I will always remember her and keep her in my heart and that’s all that really matters.  Could your dr write you off work for awhile to give you some more time?  Remember you guys you will always be cared about, welcomed and understood here with lots of open arms. Lean on us and let us help you carry this burden.  Take care

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Niques Mom, I am sorry that this day has been so crappy for you...I think what most of us who are several years or more down this path need you to know, all of you new to this loss, that the pain actually can get worse, you are not losing your mind...the pain gets worse because so much of the shock begins to wear away, even when we are not aware of the shock that still is with us, we begin to feel more raw, more sadness, more pain, usually means that a layer of shock is gone. For me, I noticed one day at work that I felt panicked and I hadn't felt that way when leaving the house, but once I got to school and tried to set up for the day I felt so much pain, it was so heavy, physical as well as emotional/spiritual, it just ached. I called my husband and said that I didn't think I could do this...he talked me down, but I realized that it was the three month mark of time and wrote it down...about three months later, I went through another raw and very hard time, a sense of loss so strong I felt like I needed to crawl under a rock...cried and had to do teh screaming too...the second big layer of shock was shed, and I was just raw. We lose layer after layer and while this is terribly painful, it is also part of the process of grief, and you will get through these, I know you will because we all did, and we are not stronger than you, we are you...and remember, anyone to get through one day withoyut thier child is a super brave human...we do it, we don't want ot, but we do it becauee it is our job to stay here. Hang on Sweetie.

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peggy a sad mom

Thanks both of you Ericas mom and my girl it is good to know about everything. I will be terrified of being worse then this at any time. I guess there is no choice. I have to work I just wish I had taken more time to start. It's so hard in the house with all our memories thanks again

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The last few days weren't good. Reached the 2 month mark and I realized my patience with my other children  is thinning. The odd thing that I just became aware of is that evenings were very difficult I will get very restless and feel like my skin is crawling. I realize now it was between 630-740 that we were initially informed a police officer had to "discuss something in person" with me. Took over an hour for him to show up to confirm what I already suspected.

Some good moments and some bad all the time.  

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Yes, our bodies/minds adapt to the dates and times of our saddest moments, we react, I know I did too, for many months, maybe a year or so, I also was agitated at around 9:00 or so, when the phone call came in to tell us that Erica had been in an accident. It is normal in this abnormal situation, as though a stamp was imprinted on our internal clocks and we are programmed anew to the stresses. How old are your other Kids? Have they been dealing with any grief counselors?

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Peggy, once a layer of shock sheds, it doesn't mean you stay that raw, you feel it sharply, but then you even out some, then another layer or two may also shed themselves, but remember, with each time,(usually by a year you are done with shock), you are further along and have learned some coping skills and some ways to help yourself through those roughest spots. So while it can become more painful, it won't just stay like that, it will settle down too. If you have not read any ELIZABETH KUBLER-ROSS, do. Her stages of grief are a great way to help you understand you, and perhaps your other kids...grief is not linear, and the stages are such that we go through them over and again according to what our hearts and mind need. No two grieve the same way...

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Just checking in...  I feel so much for all our new members here.. reading has brought back so many memories of how I started this path.  It has been 12 years since the loss of my JaBoa and somedays it still hits like a brick.  Somedays I still break down without warning, even in the store.  I guess I have just learned I don't care who sees or what they think.  If I have to cry..  I will..   it doesn't last as long as it used to .. nor as often..   but it is a gift I give myself..  to go with my emotion at the time.  All these years and nobody has stopped me to ask what is wrong..  only once the first Christmas.. a family member told me not to ruin Christmas with crying.. and I just looked at him and said.. I came to a private room... you intruded on me...  if you prefer I can just leave totally...   and he asked me not to..  Even my young son was intuitive enough t know I needed my tears.. he would just wait and ask... are you done yet?  and his life would go on.. he knew I needed that time.

Anyway...  I am still on the mend.   Staples are out...   but I haven't any strength.  It kind of worries me..The dr told me it will take awhile.  She said that it takes a long time for just one surgery to get over and with my multiple ones I am doing great...   I have no complaints, I do my best to get by and carry on with things.  It is what I do.

Today my girl is 22..  so hard to believe...  she is always in my heart.. always the beautiful little girl that loved me so completely..   The little girl that made me a better person.. Happy Birthday my JaBoa..  your grandma loves you to the moon and back...

Wishing you all peace..  wishing you comfort

 

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Glad you stood your ground with the family member Leah. You have shown all of the new members how with time we can regroup and find a new way to deal with our loss. Glad to hear you are slowly on the mend. Take it easy... and one day at a time!

JaBoa is definitely looking down and beaming with pride at her loving and devoted Grandmother. I hope that today you are filled with memories that make your heart smile. Remember what I always say...Love never dies. 

Colleen, hope that today you are feeling a bit better after a day of rest. Just taking a step back to regroup sometimes is all it takes to resurge our batteries.

We spent the evening watching the Olympic figure skating. I have to say that they were all wonderful to me. Oh, to be able to skate like that.

Wishing you all a peaceful day.

Kate

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My girl is in heaven

Leah. So glad to hear u r on the mend. I can sure relate about the family member. My dad just passed away in January. I was sitting beside his bed when he took his last breathe and i started crying. My brother immediatey said "Luanne stop that now, my brother in law grabbed me by my neck and shoulders quite forcefully, and then my sister said my dad didn' have a peaceful passing cause I cried along with  a lot of other lies.  Gee if it was inappropriate to cry when someone dies when is it appropriate. They chose to be stoic I guess, I cried. I still don' get it. But all 4 siblings are no longer any contact as a result.  Any way glad u stood your ground.  Happy HEAVENLY BIRTHDAY to your dear JaBoa.  There' always two days of the year that pull a little more on our heart strings. I read a quote awhile ago that went something like this:  

 Oh sorry does my grief make you uncomfortable?  Gee, me too. But my uncomforable will last a life time and yours will be over by the time I'm done reading this page. 

I know a lot give the unbereaved a pass saying they don' know.  But I don't. I can' believe some of the things I have said done or not done to me.  I really need to get over my bitterness and anger though. Take care. Hope u get stronger everyday. 

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My girl is in heaven

Colleen. Hope you had a nice "me "day. Unfortunatey every day is a lounger for me and I get lazier all the time.  U got lots of snow in Wisconsin. So I assume you usually work everyday. 

Kate.  What' your weather like. We got 13 today and rain. Snow is melting away.  Came back from Aarons place in London last night about 50inutes away and really really foggy.  Car two ahead of us kept going over the line.  A lot had their 4 ways on or some pulled over. Down to just a crawl.  My husband will drive thru anything. I just knew I couldn' look after awhile or I would start freaking. I thought our numbers were up a few times. I thought about how I didn't have my house all purged and cleaned up for my boys.   And of course do I have my good bra and underwear on . Lol anyway I guess God still needs me for something but for the life of me some days I can' think of what.  Northern Ontario and east supposed to get freezing rain.   Hope your weather is a better there.  

  

 

  

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Mermaid Tears

Your pain is personal because your loss was huge. And because you lost so much it angered you. Nothing but nothing can replace what has been taken from you. Your different now, you look at things different, you look at life different. But you recognize that life must go on. And you understand that you must make the most of the rest of your life. So you embrace life, you embrace those left in your life. And you carry on, still sad, still confused. And time is all you have that allows you to heal. Love what's left of your time, love who's left in your life. Because today is not a promise, yesterday is gone, and tomorrow is a new day.

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TearsInHeaven

Sarah, Peggy, Virginia, Margarett, Samantha,Lou I read somewhere that tears are not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and show that you are prepared to work through your grief.  I cannot say I was prepared or strong but the tears flowed and often still do.  I think the first layer of shock gets peeled away somewhere around month 3 or 4. That is about the time you will see that a lot of people, co-workers even relatives will try to avoid talking about your loss. That may also coincide with the need to start handling any business items (bank, insurance, etc.) you have to deal with.  That is a real punch in the gut when you have to start using the words....my son/daughter passed away.  Grief has a life of its own....you never know when it will choose to rear its ugly head. I've come to accept that, even  now, there will be times that I have a bad day. For no reason, for any reason, for the most important reason that I have lost my child, and I know it will happen, I just don't always know when. Though not a one for one relationship there are also moments of light.  At first I was afraid to recognize that.  It took a while for those to come and for me to be willing to accept them. Sure, I still have problems sleeping, the list of "what ifs", the forever sadness that sits in my heart. But, sometimes I try really hard to embrace those moments of light and put the days, weeks and months of pain and despair in what I call my "little black bag". This is where I keep all of the terrible things that have happened to me through my life. My son is NOT in that bag, he is in my heart, with me every day. 

Leah, glad you are on the mend and find the moments to celebrate JaBoa's birthday and the time you had her.  Colleen, Sandy good to see you.

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peggy a sad mom

Thank you tears I love that you personalized us. I'm not good with names but I do know who I'm talking to. It is so hard to even think that we can feel better in the future. I know I will never forget and my heart will be forever broken. But I'm looking forward to better days. I hope thanks

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY JABOA! Oh so unbelievable that it has been 12 years Leah, but for 12 years you have carried your Girl's torch, her light, and you have shined it in every corner to try to help others see that life needs to include beauty and joy. She is so proud of you. I  am very grateful to know that you are healing...it will be slow, we aren't young anymore, and you have had several surgeries, so it is just take your time and heal. Peace Dear One.

 

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happy birthday Jaboa and  leah thinking of you today especially.

dianne you are so right about grief hitting at different times especially when having to deal with paperwork. I was not able to update my will and other paperwork until just before Xmas last year because it meant taking Tommy's name off. I just could not do it. I could write that he had passed away but that deletion of his name hurt so much it almost felt disloyal somehow. however I know it needed to be done so that there will not be a problem when I am gone for my other children, and I eventually managed to do it. Tommy passed in Aug 2015 and so you see there are always different challenges, at different stages, in different years, but we slowly get through them and learn as we go. It all takes time and sometimes you have to build up to something before doing it. There are always going to be difficult days sometimes without a reason and you just need to roll with it and do whatever you have learned as a coping mechanism. I like the black bag idea. 

so I will get my cast off tomorrow and start to slowly part weight bear with the walker and be able to go back home to my cat. been very well looked after by my parents but need to try and manage for myself. When I am really fatigued I just crawl on my hands and knees not very dignified but it works! I joined a Facebook forum for people with broken ankle injuries and have found it quite helpful although at the moment I have the dubious title of most surgeries and longest rehabilitation! My oldest daughter Annaliese is coming for a long weekend with her boyfriend which will be lovely although I really can only sit on the sofa. Her birthday is March 1st and she will be 25years old. last week she told me sadly that it feels really weird to be older than her older brother Tommy and to know she will always be older than him now.

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Lesley, good luck on the ankle, may your foot heal and be the strength you need to get around on your own again...nice  that your parents were able to be caretakers for you.

Dianne, I agree, tears are how we lay down our steps forward, they must be allowed. I have to admit, Dianne is good about names, I have not learned everyone's names from our new group...but my hat is off to you all as you come here and read and respond and find ways to hold on...

Our yard is completely under water...thankfully our little pump is trying to keep up, but the rain has been excessive, now the temps are dropping but earlier today you would have thought it was an April day, reaching 60 degrees.

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Well I wish you would send some of that warm weather our way Dee. This has been one very long and cold winter.  Today the high was only -13C. It seems odd as the sun is at a different angle in the sky and things are so bright as they should be for this time of the year. We have not had much snow but still experiencing cold temps. How I envy all of you.

LouAnn, it did indeed sound like a white knuckle drive from your sons home. The 401 can become really congested when the weather is bad. Our weather comes from the west primarily. I see that Saskatchewan and Alberta is still having much the same conditions as we are. I am hoping that I will wake up very soon to my first sighting of a robin. Ross and I have a yearly contest to see who will spot the first one. He usually wins.

Lesley, I bet it will feel great to get that cast off tomorrow. Your parents sound like gems and I bet they will miss you when you leave. However you must be looking forward to getting back into your own home and sleeping in your own bed. The visit with your daughter will be something to look forward too! I listen to a classical radio station from England and I get the weather report on the hour. I sound like Mrs. Bale from As Time Goes By when I tell my husband what it is in various areas. We were in England at Easter one year with the boys. I remember the fields were filled with cheery yellow daffodils and baby lambs were happily running around. The boys and I got a real kick out of seeing them. 

Susan, I see the temps have warmed up your way. You definitely had some chilly weather for you last week. Have you started any painting yet? Have the temps impacted the fruit crops? We had some grapefruit the other day and they were smaller than usual. I'm not too sure what our farmers are going to face this year in our area. We definitely are going to need more moisture for the fields.

Tina, how are things going this week at work? Will your son soon be on spring break? Is he involved in any activities at school? 

Peggy, let it out whenever you feel the need to cry. I remember walking into the site where we have a bench overlooking the lake. There was not a person anywhere in site. I yelled blue murder at one point asking Jeff where he was and why it had to happen. Everyone has given you such good advice. You will manage to get through this difficult stage with support and perseverance. 

Hope everyone has a decent evening. Love to ALL, Kate

 

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Mermaid Tears

Yes Kate...our temps are mild....we are getting lots of rain...we used our fireplace more this year than we have since we moved here in 2004....I call it John David weather because he loved the winter....but if I had to be housebound...couldn't ask for better weather. I so hope you see your first robin....

Leah....thinking of you and 'your girl'....how many surgeries did you have ? One is enough. Please get rest and more rest....I, too, am in recovery from surgery...and my mind wants to do many things....but...I know if I do what I am supposed to do...rest and rest....then I will have a 100% recovery. The Dr/surgeon can only do so much...it is up to the patient to do what they should do.

Recovery is still going very slow....but I feel a little better with each passing day...'the insides' are still healing...it is a day by day healing process.

Our 'new little man' Veto....is quite the 'chunker'...he is so much like our Hunter Bear when he was little...now I cannot pick him up due to surgery....am wondering how I will be able to when well....he has started walking....so every room is his playground.

In the 3rd photo....he is 'fixing' his hair...

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Mermaid Tears

Thank you, Rebekahs Mom.....Veto is my first GREAT grandson...

I am going to post  a message to all the new parents soon....have been in recovery from surgery....my heart breaks for you....

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Veto! What big beautiful cheeks you have, so kissable and adorable...love that stage of babyhood...Thanks Susan for posting his cuteness for all to see. I am glad that you continue to do as the doctors have instructed and that your aim is 100% healing. Fabulous.

Kate don't be envious of our weather, we have 3 inches of cold water on our garden adn while the pump is working and working, the rains came down so plentiful that if these now cold temps freeze, we will have an ice coating over the garden and very probably many roots will be killed off due to the water and then a freeze. I think it will drop to about 38 degrees so not fully freezing. It was 60, now it is 39. I don't like when the tepmps do this, it confuses the birds and plants like crazy. We should not see these temps in the 50's and 60's till late March. Oh well, hopefully the garden will survive. We keep many robins these days, all winter long. They have learned to adapt and also , global warming has made winter less daunting for robins. Again, the changes are apparent.

Margee, where have you been in these last few days? Are you okay? Samantha, are you out there?

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My girl is in heaven

Susan. Thanks.  You are so right .  We r different now and see life different. 

Veto is adorable as ever.  That was my smile for the day.  

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Hello All, it has been awhile since I have posted. My mom is still recovering for her heart failure and stent procedure...she is doing better than the doctors anticipated. It did throw me for a huge loop, and it seemed like the grief with Jesse just loomed so large....like the finality of it all was staring me in the face. 
Also, my dad, who was not the nicest person while I was growing up, was really acting up. Just made a horrible situation that much worse. I am now able to step back a bit and get my bearings but it brought up a lot of childhood trauma that I had packed away. Very deep.

I am adding a link to Carol Kearn's web site. She is a grief counselor who was mentored by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross directly. She was also first on site during the Connecticut school shootings in 2012.  Her daughter Krissy died of drowning in the 1970s so this was partly her grief journey and also has some experiences in it from her clients later on. I was fortunate to touch base with her via email in 2012 and I was sent an Elisabeth Kubler-Ross butterfly from Carol. I didn't know at the time what it was/represented, but as I read about Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, I understood the significance of it. 

http://www.carolkearns.com/kristens-legacy/overview.html

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

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LAURIE! So glad to see you this evening, and i am so sad to hear that your Mom was so ill, however good to know that the doctor's feel she is doing well. Yes, facing more loss just zaps you I know, but good for now that she is stable and that you were able to help out as you have. I am sorry that your Dad was making an already hard time worse...I had a hard time growing up due to Dad stuff. I wish you only goodness and a return of balance and strength. Since you were last here, we have so many new members who will benefit from all you share. Good to see you Back. Be well.

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My girl is in heaven

Hi Laurie. Sorry to hear your mom has been unwell. Best wishes to her for a speedy recovery.  Families can be so difficult at times.  That video was very moving. Thanks for sharing.  Luanne

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Today is Tuesday.  Exactly 4 weeks since Jason died.  I want to share my favorite picture of Jason...I took this on the beach when he was 17.  The other picture is of the children when they were around 6 and 3.   I have hung the Jason picture here in my 'nest'.   At some point, I must organize the over 1000 pictures that I have of the children.  Meredith is coming in June so I can make albums, and so that I can be with her on 'their' birthday, June 7.  I haven't been writing to you guys as often.  There are days that I really think that I am dying.  My doctor doesn't think so, though we are having difficulty getting my A-FIB to calm down. All my fellow nurses here will understand when you know that I am on Tikosyn.   And, I have to cope with some nasty side effects from it....and since it is a speciality drug, it is very $$$.  Medicare part D doesn't cover very much of the cost....so my garden budget will be affected...lol.  I had to be hospitalized for 3 days to initiate the RX and if I miss a dose, it is back to the hospital again to restart it.  Poor pitiful me.  I am so thankful that Mikey and I have a fixed income that isn't too bad for us.  Heck, Mikey's pension/SS-  he is actually making more $$$ then when he was working.  As he should, after working 43 years as a police officer.  We are so blessed and I know it.  So many retired folks are not as lucky as we are.  

I continue to read a lot of the older posts from as far back as 2005.  This site has been around for so many of us.  And, then I come back and read the new posts since yesterday.  Today, I actually cooked dinner.  I had not cooked for 5-6days.  Mikey loved it...I need to cook more often for him.  He is my ROCK-STAR.  

I am trying to understand why Jason kept his private life so distant from us.  He and I could sit and talk for hours, but not about his deeply private life.  I did not know any of the guys he worked with, and only met a few girlfriends.  I would love to talk with his friends.  I have always thought that he was hiding part of his life from me....was he afraid I would be disappointed?   Or scared of what he was involved with.  I know construction guys are tough and many of the few people he did tell me about were having ' women problems' or difficulties because his company would send a crew away for weeks at a time.  He talked a lot about wanting to travel out of the country.  He really wanted to go to Dubai and work on those sand islands they are developing.  

As far as my thinking....I am obsessed with thoughts of him.  I feel no sense of peace or relief.  Only pain.   And unbelievable sadness.  It is raining cats and dogs here.  Today it was 78... tomorrow we are supposed to 40.  So even the earth is screwed up.  Still no autopsy or medical records.  Those will be another path that I want to KNOW.

please know that coming here...being with all of you...is the only time that I feel that I am where I need to be.  Thank you for allowing me to share my junk with you.  It does help. XXOO margarett 

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Margee, 4 weeks is both a lifetime and a blink of an eye...right now more of a lifetime for you. One day without our Babies is a lifetime. I can see why you love that photo of your Boy. Jason and his raised eyebrow...What a doll. And the three kids together...perfection. I made an album for my Son and my Kids' Dad, but really started out making one for each of the Kids...in fact the last time Erica was here in this house, I was spreading photos all over the floor up here in my office, she surprised visited me with some of her new buddies from Kalamazoo, Michigan. She was excited to see all the photos out and began to tell her friends short stories about each photo, I was so taken with her rendition of each photo...made my heart very glad. Two days later, she was struck by a train...those magical moments made even more gift-like...I got to hear her version of captured moments in photos, I will always cherish those.

Margee, reading here is good as you find your place among us, seeing that our stories are threaded together with our hearts and our heartache as well as our healing. Peace Dear.

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Margee--im so happy you made supper! Yhe pics are beautiful.

You need to celebrate doing anything....I feel doing what I used to tho k as mundane things in the past as heroic now. I actually applied to a full time permanent job as an NP. Before I could be seeing up to 20 patients a day ordering refills to pharmacy and talking to radiology. 

I thought applying to the job I was doing for over a year was a good thing to accomplish the other day.

I too read back over the years and it's helpful to read. Just wish I could fadt-forward the time to somewhere I wasn't in so much pain all the time.

 

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My girl is in heaven

Margie. What a handsome boy. I have a lot of those Santa pictures with three kids too, but I can’t look at them now.  It just breaks my heart too much.   So your r still waiting for medical reports.  My very healthy 17 year old girl died of some specific heart event very unexpectantly.  I’m glad you feel better coming here. We will all help you and walk right beside you.  Please look after yourself and get some rest. This whole process is draining.  Keep inching along, holding on crawling along one day at a time right now.and know you are not alone dear friend.  

Rebekahs mom . I wish I could fast forward all you newbies thru the really hard stuff but unfortunately you have to March right on thru the middle of it. There’s no way around it.  But you don’t have to do it alone. We will be with you every step of the way.  

 

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Thank you for the birthday wishes for my girl.  The only ones around here that remembered were JaBoa's mom and Sena...    bittersweet...    It is just a day I will never forget.

Thanks Kate, Dee, Louanne,  Sherry, Coleen,   names are escaping me.. I know many more have spoke up but I just am not grasping this morning.

Susan, this round I had my gal bladder out, and a week later they had to go back in because my hernia mesh was infecting and the lining of my abdomen, and abcess where my gallbladder was...   I have had five surgeries in ten months...   Just totally left me weak this shot..  I have no drive to do anything and if I do I have to sit the whole next day..  getting old stinks sometimes.   Love the pictures of Veto.  I hope you continue your healing as well.

Margarett your angel is a fine looking young man..  my heart goes out to you.

I hear my great grandkids are coming back for a visit.. looking forward to seeing them..  gotta keep up the strength

My brain is going into blank mode.. just wanted everybody to know how appreciated they are..  I see our new members reaching out even from their depths of darkness and know that our angels are among us...  Bless you all

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7 hours ago, My girl is in heaven said:

"I wish I could fast forward all you newbies thru the really hard stuff but unfortunately you have to March right on thru the middle of it. There’s no way around it.  But you don’t have to do it alone. We will be with you every step of the way."  well said Louanne.

 

laurie sorry your mum is frail it must be a worry. I am in the opposite state from you, my elderly parents are helping look after me and I am the one who can't walk. Still I told them I will keep all my disabled stuff afterwards so I can use it for them when they become decrepit!!

susan that liitle Veto I could just eat him, those chubby cheeks that angelic face he is adorable and must bring so much joy to you all.

margarett the photos are lovely it is weird looking back at old pictures because it sparks memories of those happy times, and then you remember.... Still as time goes by it will very slowly ease and photos will give you a sense of comfort, a part of your family's history. I have 3 special ones of my Tommy and now every time I look at them I can smile. Sure it is a sad smile, a regretful one, my heart still aches with the loss, but his cheerful cheeky grin makes me remember he would not want me to be sad forever. I hope your AFib gets under control. Grief really makes your body go haywire too because you are more vulnerable. As our children grow up they do not always share so much with their parents especially boys/men. Sure maybe we would be a bit disapproving of some of the choices they make or choice of partners whatever, but that is what growing up is all about, making your own way in the world and being independent from your family although still connected. Also young people often share the more personal stuff with friends as friends become more important to them. 

rebekah's mom wow a new job good for you. Sometimes it is easier to change things up in your life and have some new beginnings as part of your healing. My mental health worker changed jobs after her fiancee was killed because she could not face the people in her office who she knew well. For her it was the right move, it allowed her some distance and privacy from the tragedy she had gone through.

leah we do not forget any of our spirit children. I do wish that there was a notification or bold type that highlights the months of the birthdays and angel dates, I have to rely on posts to keep myself updated with you all. My memory still has some holes in it, I forget names, numbers, and the day of the week. I too had 5 surgeries in a year so I understand how that takes a toll on your body with all the anaesthetics and meds etc and then having to rehabilitate afterwards. I hope you continue to heal  both bodily and emotionally.

I redirected another newbie to us yesterday she lost her daughter to sepsis from pneumonia that developed after flu. We read about in the papers but hearing from someone who has been through the sepsis nightmare really makes you think. I hope she finds us ok ,her name is Letty.

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Lesley, I wrote to Letty as well, but I don't know if my directions as to how to post here worked...hope she comes to us, I think she will find some hands to hold hers.

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Today is 2 months. it feels like an eternity and a blink of the eye all at once. I talk to Dominique everyday,  and yesterday my 4 year old son told me he sees Dominique come through our door. i asked him to let me know the next time he sees her.  I wish i could see her,  i think it will take more time,  because I want to see her so desperately. This is such a hole in my heart.  I buried my parents and thought that was bad,  this is 1000 times worse.  I wait for the moments of happiness,  they are few and far between.  I know she wants me happy but its so hard.  I too am looking for a new job, looking to move out of Colorado,  this was supposed to be a new adventure,  moved here from Phoenix a year ago,  but Dominique died on the street outside our home.  I have to drive that road every day.  Looking to move to Florida,  not sure how I would do in a job interview though. everyone here knows all about my daughter and I get sad pity eyes,  so when I am having a good moment they bring me down. Sorry,  I am rambling.  Thank you for listening,  I cannot learn anyone's names but I read all the posts. 

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Be careful about making huge changes during your first year of grief, only because your body/spirit/mind are all trying to assimilate to the horrible changes, adding more change just confuses things and sometimes, those changes are not for the good. If you feel strongly about moving, take your time researching where and when and slow your schedule down if you can.

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Mermaid Tears

The 'experts' say....try not to make any big changes in the first and second year after experiencing a huge loss..trauma...catastrophe. I never knew the judgement of that until I lost John David. I experienced a 'foggy mind/ foggy thinking/ and a lot of second guessing.....which was so different from my usual way of decision making. I have always been very definite in my decision making. I did experience a lot of fantasy thinking of 'running away from it all'...which is normal for one wanting to out run...get away...flee...from all the sadness and dark grief. Niques Mom....we are not telling you not to follow what you want to do....get another job and move....we are simply here to give you a pause....as Dee suggested....think this through...get all your ducks in a row....so you will not be facing this kind of grief and having to acclimate yourself and son to many new experiences and places. It was hard for me to grieve and be in my own home.

I so understand how you would love to see your girl...walk through the door....a wish that I wished 1,000's of times....

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My girl is in heaven

 

Only trust someone who can see these three things in you:

The sorrow behind your smile, the love behind your anger, and the reason behind your silence

 

 

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niquesmom it is true that often in the fog of the early grieving days impetuous decisions are not always the best decisions. A new job in the same area is different. House selling and moving is a whole different issue although I completely understand the desire to run away. Even if you do run away your grief still follows and then you are in a strange place knowing noone and not being familiar with the town or driving and it is very easy to become isolated. Your grief will follow you because you loved Dominique and always will, you just have to make your way through grief there are no shortcuts. I do not mean to sound harsh, please don't get me wrong, I am speaking the truth. However remember "Advice is something you listen to. The decisions are your own." Take care my friend.

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I just finished my daily call with Meredith as she was driving home from work.  She experienced her first dream about Jason last night.  We discussed the dream and she remembered every single part of the dream.  I explained that someone here explained that she had a "visitation " dream...I have not had a dream yet.  We both cried....which I still do so seldom.   Why can I not cry?   I have no difficulty questioning the events around his death....mostly questions...had he experienced any chest pain or shortness of breath prior to the morning he died?  What happened to the laminated card I had made for him to carry in his wallet which would have directed the authorities to contact me immediately, rather than 2 days later.  It would not have changed anything, but I think often about him being dead 2 whole days before I knew it.  This hurts like hell for some strange reason.  I still have no received his autopsy.  More phone calls tomorrow.   I hope all of you are doing as well as you can.  We are all so different, yet we are all the same in so many ways.

XXOO margarett 

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Margee, I am glad for Meredith, that she had a visitation dream with her Bro. The are the best and leave you feeling high all day long, that contact and communion...glad for her. And so glad that she could tell you about it. Why you can't cry might have to do with a deep down need perhaps to keep in control, and one day when you least expect it, you may cry very hard and be done for a while or it may open up your flood-gates for a longer period of time. It may be that your body is not ready to let loose of your grief, and again, you don't have the answers you seek yet, so it could be that your body/spirit are waiting for the whole story...not everybody cries hard or at all, sometimes we grieve inwardly and hold it close to the vest. Holding your hand...

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Hey Dee:   Thank you.   I think you may be right on target about my inability to cry.  I am sure at some point it will hit.  Maybe when I have finally been able to review the autopsy and the ER records....I don't know.

it means so much to know that I have all of you who understand what this is really like.  I would have never believed that a heart and soul could feel like this.  I worked hospice for 10 years...even taught END OF LIFE training, but I never thought this is what losing a child could/would feel this way.

XXOO margarett 

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