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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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actually Tina just to clarify, I meant I acknowledge the GRIEFstruggles you have mentioned recently , it was absolutely nothing to do with the topic that has caused such strong feelings. As I said I will be happy to help you with the loss of your daughter if you like. You can message me privately if you prefer not to post on the forum or not. Like I said grief is something we have in common. If you choose to leave I hope you find support somewhere else and I also wish you well for the future.

just saw on Facebook an organisation from Moms who demand action called Act.everytown.org which gets volunteers together in your local area to effect change. Check it out if you are interested. Ok that is IT, like Dianne, I am done on this subject.

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My girl is in heaven

Hey Tina.  Please don’t go.  Your are an important part of our family here. As is Dianne and everyone.  You almost have your one year in.  I wish I had a better understanding about this gun stuff, but growing up in Canada the only people that I’ve heard of who have guns   Are the odd hunter.  But I’m sure there is still gun violence in some of the bigger cities. We don’t have very many school shoot outs or the likes of here.  I just grew up never seeing a gun or knowing anyone who did.  But my husband was trying to explain to me about your constitution.  I don’t know what the answer is, but I feel incredibly sad to see this children being gunned down.  My heart just breaks when I see those parents burying thier children. I guess I have always just taken it for granted..  Please everyone stay.  We are united in the grief of losing a child. And on that subject we all agree.  

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TearsInHeaven

Wow this is out of control...think everyone needs to take a breath and lets remember we are here to help each other. Tina, you should not leave a site that has helped you through these 11 months, with a hard time coming up on your first year. 

1 hour ago, TearsInHeaven said:

Tina you have a right to speak as you choose.

 

1 hour ago, TearsInHeaven said:

Tina I thought your snippets were very much on target.

These are things I said and the next is the first thing.  I don't want to see this be a problem especially at this time.

 

8 hours ago, TearsInHeaven said:

Tina, sadly those are such an accurate depiction of the sign of our times

I miss the anger part but sometimes it is hard when you are inside.I just wanted to be done with this gun conversation and did not expect all of this.  You are a part of this forum, Tina and it would be important for you to remain.

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi everyone just checking in. I hope it’s ok. I’m sorry that ‘‘this has got so heated. I think that our feelings are so raw in having lost our child/ children that we feel and relive every moment of the pain and torture we are going through and that these families will now be facing.  

I think of you all as my family I couldn’t survive without you all. I know I don’t post much but I read everyday and you help me.

Plesae let’s all stay together  I don’t deal with any change we’ll now.

And as for your gun laws I can only comment from how it it here and kids don’t kill kids in school with guns because they cannot buy them here.  That seems to work no guns on sale to kids ..

please take care God Bless xxxx

 

 

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Tina, I agree with some of the things that the teacher stated. Our kids are subjected to so much gratuitous violence. They begin to lose touch with reality. Truly the bottom line is this...we often say that if it isn't broken then why fix it? In this case it is no longer working and it needs to be changed very quickly. Talking about the gun deaths is no different than talking about deaths due to drugs, etc. We need to get it out into the open and deal with it before another mass shooting takes place. And it will take place.   

In 2017 there was a total of 15, 591 shooting deaths in the States . In Canada it was 225. If you take the population difference of the States  compared to Canada and multiply by ten there are seven times more deaths by gunshot in the States. 

In 2017 the number of kids from 0-11 that were injured and killed were 732.

12-17 injured or killed 3,234.

Ten a day! And mass killings are considered two or more were 346 in 2017... due to gun violence. 

LouAnn these numbers are staggering. We studied American History for the entire year in tenth grade. British History in Grade Eleven. We knew all of the States and their Constitution. And it is written into the Constitution about  the right to carry firearms. We respect the rights but it isn't working any longer. Changes need to take place NOW.

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I like the saying too Dianne, guns don't kill people, people with guns kill people, and this is so. As Sherry said, sadly, so many clamor to the stores to buy guns afraid after a mass shooting that their right to purchase more might be infringed upon...I just have to wonder about the rights of the parents and kids who are doing funerals this weekend...what about their rights? And I promise, I will not say much more on this subject today anyway, but will not promise to push down my worries due to offending anyone, this is a free to share our feelings and hopes and worries kind of place, so there is room for ALL. But with that said, our current president rolled back the money for mental health as soon as he became our president, he also reversed the law that prevented those with  mental illness to purchase a gun. So not only are we turning more folks to the streets when they are looking for help from mental health providers, we also say, heck ya, buy a gun, we don't care if you are having issues thinking straight...there are several schools in the USA that are training teachers to use a gun... no thanks, I don't think my students will be safer at all if all the adults around them have guns, oh my goodness no. So there is a lot to discuss in this gigantic issue, and I disagree that we cannot talk about it here...hell we may be welcoming some of these ripped apart parents here in the coming weeks. They will need to know that they can indeed share their thoughts on the subject. Our freedoms have been threatened in so many ways, but let's not threaten our rights to freedom of speech and opinions.

Tina, you should reread Dianne's words, she agreed with much of what you posted...and Kate's figures above show us why we are very worried. The families in Florida are not asking that folks not have the right to have a gun, but are semi-automatic rifles really a common sense gun to have and to be able to purchase at age 18 with no background check what-so-ever? Anyhow, the kids are almost voting age thank heavens, and they will vote with their hearts for sure, so NRA won't be knocked out of the pockets of politicians quickly at all, but less politicians that carry that money will be elected in the years to come due to the kids who have grown up with tthis barrage of violence in their lives. Okay, done for now with this discussion. You need to stay, you are a part of our family here.

Georgina how the hell are you? my goodness it has been a while. Are you doing okay? How are the kids? Iknow you were worried about one of your Daughter's recently...updates?

Leah, how are you healing? Are you getting your strength back?

Susan, hows about you? Finding your footing after your surgery?

Becky?  Gretchen?

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First off he was 16 not 18 when he purchased the gun. He is 17 now. I'm not saying contradictory to anything said. There is an extensive background check that is done but if after 3 days, if it isn't back then the purchase is  legal. Also, just because you make these types of gun harder to get, doesn't mean you stop the massacres. I hunt. I kill animals for food for my family. I believe in my constitution. I believe in prescription medications when needed. But they get abused and lead to overdose  I was trying to point out that just because you make something illegal and hard to get doesn't mean it won't happen. I agree something needs to be done but comparing my country to yours and saying mine is awful and yours is wonderful, upsets me. 

When our politicians were elected into office, they took an oath to protect the constitution. The people believe in it. We have organizations in this country that are "hunters for hunger". They kill deer, pheasants, etc for food for low income families. How will that needed organization continue if there are no longer guns allowed.

I'm leaving because I get chewed out and get thrown a bunch of statistics at me just for trying to put a different side of things. I know some people agree with what I'm saying but still want to abolish guns. It's a mental health issue. Not a gun issue. What would we have done if he strapped a bomb to himself and went in?  Sorry to be graphic but it isn't a gun issue. Yes the requirements need to be changed. They are looking into that. Someone turned him in for Instagram photos but fbi and what not couldn't figure out his identity. But again, no matter how hard you make it, if there is a will, there is a way. We have turned into an unempathetic society where we are only concerned about ourselves. How do you change that? If someone would have noticed. Maybe if someone would have taken him serious. Maybe someone could have noticed his mental status and groups he was involved in, then this wouldn't happen. My heart does break for the parents, wives, moms and dad's, and children left behind. 

Some of the 18 shootings people mention that happened this year were not killing sprees. One was an officer at the school where a child pushed the trigger on his gun. No one hurt thank God but do we take guns away from officers? Again, just my two cents. 

I'm done. I'll stop ranting and go about my days best I can. Again thank you to those who have helped me

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Tina, you stay. It is I that should leave. I am not from your country. I will never understand your culture as hard as I try. I can leave my home without locking my door and not fear for my safety or that my home will be broken into.  I  am not comparing my country to yours... but offering a view of how it works for us without the use of guns. I will always care about the well being of others. That is how I am. I have spent almost eight years on this site. I remember vividly spending an entire week with a young man from England that first Xmas of my grieving that was suicidal. I stayed and walked alongside him during that entire holiday period because I was concerned for him. I have given what I can... but in all honesty? I do not have the desire or heart to do this any longer. Work it out yourselves. It is your problem. I was not attacking your constitution.... but explaining to another member that it is written that you have the right to carry arms. We are talking about automatic weapons that take multiple lives and not hunting rifles. People here hunt as well. I am so glad that I was born where I was. I will always be proud to be a Canadian!

Oh, and just out of curiosity...can you name any of our provinces? Any Prime Ministers? I doubt it. There is life beyond the States. Show some respect.

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I don't want to argue this any longer nor want anyone to leave. Just a small point. A hunting rifle or shot gun can do same harm

Please stay. You have a lot to offer and I'm new so not really much help yet

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NOBODY leaves! No reason. Kate, you said nothing wrong about America. Tina, who are you talking about when you say he was 16 when he purchased a gun? I am not following?

I have to say that I did not hear anyone slamming our country, our constitution, or any other part of our lives here, and I am envious of the folks that do not understand this gun violence because they are from places where guns are not a part of their lives. I have no desire to live elsewhere, rather want to see our country work to become a much more peaceful place. I am worried to live where as a teacher I have to worry about how to hunker my kids down to protect them from events like these in the news...I am terrified for all of my great nephews/nieces and grandies to grow up in such a place of violence. In Florida, the gun laws are very lax. One only needs a drivers permit to buy an AR15, they need to be 18 and they can buy it. No checks needed...No rules about registering it either. All states have their own laws where this is concerned. Laws can be made to change what kinds of guns can be purchased and really, nobody needs to hunt with a semi-automatic and of course one can hurt many with any gun, but of course, a semi-automatic does what it says, takes many down quickly. We know that folks can hurt folks if intent to do so, but a semi-automatic makes it very easy. Just common sense.

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The shooter in Florida was 16 when he purchased the gun and your last comment makes it seem I have no comment sense. I just commented on how I perceived others comments. Guess I'm wrong. 

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Tina, what I have said for three daysthat it is only common sense to not sell semi-automatic guns, it is only common sense for laws to change to eliminate the sale of semi-automatic guns...I am not attacking you, heck, I am trying to clarify and tell everyone to stay. Everything I have read says that this young man was 18 when he purchased the gun legally and that he is now 19, that he was expelled from school several months ago but still in the school system in an alternative situation...his adoptive mom died in november and his adoptive day sometime ago, he was always kind of on his own, and always sort of obsessed with guns. He was known to shoot the neighbors chickens, and he was known to shoot birds and squirrels in the neighborhood.

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I understand that. I read he was 16 and now 17.  I don't know for sure  I don't know them nor do I  live there  My point t was only to say that even if you make semi automatic illegal to sell, they can still get them on the black market. The issue is greater than guns. I was on trying to, with the different perspective, show I thought or think it's bigger than guns. Something else needs to be done. It's mental health

 

Here where I live, they stopped the 72 hour hold in the hospital for suicidal people reaching out for help. Instead, they decide to put them in jail. Now people don't reach out. This is besides the point but kinda goes. It mental health. People reach out. The signs are there. As a society we need to be on the look out. That's all

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That is so sad, that folks cannot even get the help they need in crisis.  Of course if folks are going to be put in jail when what they need is some mental health help, they will not reach out, so sad. Again, our president has cut off funds for mental health, sadly, and of course that only makes life harder for all. Mental health is some of it, but access is also part of it, and again, other countries do not have mass killings like this on a regular basis. Maybe no matter what side of this equation we sit, we can all do our own part to help make our world a better place. I wish us all good rest tonight, a bright morning tomorrow and a peaceful day.

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA
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Sending my deepest sympathy & condolences to all 17 families & their friends in Florida for their lost. UNBELIEVABLE! Absolutely UNBELIEVABLE. It is absolutely crazy for someone to muder innocent people senselessly. To purposely iinflict  the paiin of death upon faimlies. This makes me nauseous .This action can. only come from a mad, Insane, demented person. The devil comes to kill & distroy. My son died in a car accident & the affliction of the pain causes me great agony. The pain is burning a whole thru my soul. Injures of the laceration to my heart is beyond repair. My mind catches small memories here & there. Discomfort began to set in. I feel distress is now who I have become. At times I release a paroxysm of grief that sounds like a wounded animial in the wild. Now my life is full of misery. How anyone decides to put this kind of pain on anyone else is totally evil. Only the devil can do this. To hear of 17 more family feeling this unbearable pain. Make me sad. Totally unreal. WHAT KIND OF WORLD ARE WE REALLY LIVING IN.

Peggy prayers are with you. 

My heart aches for everyone on this site including me

 
 
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I am so  sorry for all of the pain Samantha, that you feel and that all here feel and now those families...we live in a world that needs repair, and I believe we can help repair it. First mydear, rest when you can and remember that you are in the hardest part of this terrible time...hang on.

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we are all souls who have been deeply wounded. Stories about death of any child/adult child are bound to affect us because of our loss and inspire strong feelings. That said, I prefer the usual forum without anger and misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

samantha your pain and distress are clear. I too have howled like an animal from the depths of my soul. One thing I found helpful in the early days was going to a completely private area of private land well away from anyone and screaming at the top of my lungs. I was like a banshee screaming anger pain and his name. It only lasted about 15 minutes but the relief was instantaneous. It took some of that burning emotion and gave it a voice. Afterward I felt drained but it did feel good. The sheep and wild horses were a little surprised though. I only did it twice but it did make some difference. Too often we are forced to sob in the shower or into a pillow so no one hears, muffling the pain, trying to hide the terrible distress we feel. It almost makes you feel guilty hoping not to be overheard. It is ok it is healthy to let it out. hugs to you

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Hello my friends,

I have typed and erased several times.  This lack-of-sunlight is tough on me.  

I hope all can find some peace today.

Colleen, Brian's mom forever

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Ericasmom & Tommy's Mum,  I see a long road of up's & down's ahead of me. The both of you have helped me out of some really bad places in my grief process. (THANKS WITH A GREAT BIG HUG!) By sharing your thoughts & experiences with me this has given me strength. When my mind wants to play tricks on me. Your words reassure me & help me to understand these feelings are normal. Knowing I am not the only one that screems like a wounded animial, helps. I feel the pain of my sons death every second of evey day, I don't think this will ever change. I will learn to live with it, I have no choice. I my be very slow at learning to cope with it, but you guys are a tremendous help. I also find letting it out at least once a day helps me. I started to watch t.v. & seen the Florida shooting, depressing I turn it off. The days have heen filled with different emotions at different times in different places but I do see sunshine peeking thur my window sometimes & I am able to smile. I haven't. been able to write about my family yet because when i think of them it hurts & I can't get pass the tears.   

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Shorty16

I hope sunshine shines in your window today & you feel the warmth of the sunshine. 

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Thanks Samantha,

To all newbies,

Those little beams of light you are feeling will become longer and longer and the breakdowns will become less frequent.  This takes a lone time. Different with each person.

we will never be the same.  But we do have a choice in who we become.  We can be angry and bitter or we can become a more compassionate person.

This choice does not just happen one day.  We have to make this choice over and over again.  But after a while, the choice will become a way of life.  We will always have times of sorrow.  I am finding that out as the 10 year mark approaches.  

I started on this site approx 2 weeks after Brian died.  I knew I needed help.  

I need each one of you in a unique way.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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peggy a sad mom

 

 

Samantha I too scream and howl. I scream to him and I beg my mother to send me a sign she has him safe and sound. I haven't gotten that yet. I can to explain to my family yesterday exactly what I feel. I work full time and when I get home I let it out. They keep asking me to go out to eat. To sleep at their house to go to my nieces and nephews activities. I explained I am not at that point yet when and if it happens I will let them know. I'm sorry for the rambling. I miss him so and I'm happy I have all of you and I pray. Peggy

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Peggy, you are not rambling at all, you are simply trying to define the space you are in; a painful place whose walls need to be near to feel enclosed right now, with yourself and your memories and your deep ache...it is yours to be in Peggy, and while family does not get it, perhaps write what you did here to explain it best, your words are clear. Going to family events right now or out to eat feels torturous...hopefully one day you will want to go do those things, it is simply not now.

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Colleen, so good to see you this morning, there is some sun shining in right now, but big fog to move in for a bit...I wish you sunlight too. And look at you Samantha, reaching out already on this site, and you too Peggy, reaching out and when we do, we are doing what Colleen said, to make a choice for more compassion...I so agree and I fully agree with the fact that these matters of learning to find your life again, take time. You Newbies are very new here, you are not moving slowly at all. You found us early on in your grief, as did Collleen did ten years ago, I remember when you came Col. I remember thinking, geez, how smart of her to know so early on to find this place, it took me 6 months before I even thought of there being an online grief community. We howl because we too are animals, we are those wolves and elephants and dolphins who also mourn their lost babies...I will post a poem I wrote early on after losing Erica, called HOMELESS.

Homeless

A relentless stream, torrent really

 

of tears

 

salt and sting-

 

sounds finding their way up from deep soul,

 

like animals wildly searching for a place to be

 

but unable to rest,

 

crazy with grief.

 

 

 

 

Home is missing-

 

you are not here

 

and so my home is missing.

 

And I circle and cross my own path

 

all traces of what was-

 

are gone.

 

 

 

 

 

 

By Diane Conmy-written in the weeks that followed the death of my Daughter.

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Thank you, Dee. Written from the heart.

Tina, thank you for giving us your perspective on guns. I agree about the need to increase help for the mentally ill. Your health care system and gun laws need changing. I am really sorry that you are in such a place that you feel people are not empathetic to the pain of others. That may be true to a point but there are many out there who truly care and will do whatever they can to be of support. When I first found this site it was shortly after my Jeff died. It was the first site that came up. I read for a bit and then joined. I did not stay at first. I was in too much pain and could not talk about it. I came back some time later.  By reading the views of others further along I came to see that they had somehow worked to get to a point of finding a degree of happiness in their lives again. I needed to see that. It gave me hope. I knew it would not be easy, but with the help and support of those further along I found the strength to face the ups and downs of this awful place I was in. I thank them from the bottom of my heart for staying. When that young man reached out to me at that time the timing was perfect. I almost felt as if my boy had sent him to me to focus on doing something positive that helped and did not allow me to dwell on his death. That young man got back to me a year later with the nicest message. He had found his way back in a healthy way. No drugs, etc. He had found employment in London and a new residence. His life was back on track. What a lovely young man he was. It felt good to know I had offered an ear to listen to him at a difficult time. We never know who is reading and what they are processing while doing so. The people on this site come from various places and hold different views on many subjects. We try to listen and learn. When I offered my viewpoint yesterday it was out of concern. We had witnessed yet another loss of life that was beyond difficult to fathom. I was horrified. If only your parties would join together and work on these issues together for the greater good of all people there. Not divided down the middle and arguing about who is right and who is wrong all the time. Use the energy to find a solution to these problems so that your most precious and valued children and their teachers who you leave in their care daily will be safe. Use your voices to demand a change. You do have control. Work together and not use the energy to divide yourselves. You may not agree on the gun issue, but you do agree that your kids need to be safe. Find a way to do it. Demand health care changes that will provide for the mentally ill. 

Peggy....hang on with both hands. You will find the strength to continue. These are early days for you as it is for many others. Know that you are surrounded by those that understand and care. 

Susan, and Leah...hope you are doing ok.

Kate:)

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TearsInHeaven

Peggy,  I also remember not being able to go anywhere after my loss.  I could not go to a restaurant for 6-9 months as I just heard the talking and laughing and usual noises caused so much anxiousness that a panic attack was not far behind.  It got better but it took time.  I still am not all that comfortable even now but I can do it. I worked from home as a consultant so I did not have physical face to face with my co-workers.  With that, work became a good thing for me.  Any breakdowns were private.  My husband did better than me. In the spring a couple of his friends started calling to golf once a week. One of the guys had lost two of his children several years before and I think he was pretty good at knowing how my husband felt.  Now, I haven't worked for about a year so I guess I retired..... and now and then I wished I had something to do! I cannot believe it but I am actually considering some volunteer spots.  If someone had told me (and they did) that I would one day be able to face and function with my grief I would never have believed it.  I haven't "left" my son behind, he is with me every day and not a day goes by that I don't think of him.  I will always be a grieving mother, you will always be a grieving mother but our sons spirits and our spirits find a way to make our way.

"Grief changes shape, but it never ends."

"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us."

 

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HOoray for that post Kate, and beautifully put Dianne. We are who we are now, tomorrow maybe a bit different than today but yes, we will always be grieving parents, one day much more able to take charge of the day.

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colleen I hear you, I have SAD too and the long winter and weak sunlight is draining. I do see daffodils snowdrops and crocuses out so Spring is on the way. To all you newbies the Spring and warm summer do help your mood lift a little, it is good to get outside and let the beauty of Nature soothe your soul. Nature shows us the circle of life and regrowth from old or dead looking trees and plants, and that is us trying to regrow again into something beautiful. As some plants bloom at their best 2 or more years on, so we will grow, each season putting out small tendrils of ourselves towards the light. I am a huge gardener (as my ankle allows) and so I see a lot of synchronicity in Nature.

samantha you will tell us about your family when you are ready we do not need to know everything to help you and like Dee and Kate I read for a while before posting then took a break because I was not there yet and then came back. That is a common theme leaving to deal with what you have to deal with and then coming back a bit stronger. 

4 hours ago, shorty16 said:

"I need each one of you in a unique way." I agree each one of you brings their personal perspective.

peggy all your family want to do is not leave you on your own because they love you. Simply explaining that it takes all you have to keep it together at work and that you need to collapse in the familiarity of your home and let it all go. Assure them you will text or call when you feel able to go out, and that it will take you time to get there, should be enough.

dee lovely poem. I feel that all traces of my son are gone too  things fade a bit over time ,but I know he is still in photos and in his siblings and in spirit by our sides always. We remember our spirit children in a different way now, not by the smell of their cologne or perfume, not by hearing their laugh or their voice, but by their presence in our hearts and memories. We just have to love them in a different way that is all and in time we learn to do that.

kate I am sure your boy had a hand in bringing that young man to you because he knew you had what that man needed at that time and were ready to help. A success story with your care, what a blessing.

1 hour ago, TearsInHeaven said:

"As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us. As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will look to the stars, for both of us." I loved those words thank you. (I did have to tweak the word "pray" for "look", sorry, that is my anti religion stuff) and I posted them on Tommy's wall today.

Tina if you are there hugs to you

So you know I love picture quotes ,so here are some that I think are appropriate today

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c7e403fbec631dbbe83016475eefe556--native-quotes-native-american-quotes.jpg.a2826d241ddeaa41f5047dda8fef2a11.jpg

 

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peggy a sad mom

Thanks tommys mum. I do understand my family I just needed them to understand me. I told if I in any way think they can help me or make me feel better I would call them in a minute

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Lesley, I love that Chief Seattle quote, it is how I believe. I wrote that poem soon after Erica died, so over 14 years ago, at that time, I was unsure of what would remain in my world...I have all sorts of Erica around me now, but early on, I felt that all traces would be gone, I learned that I was wrong, she is here in so many ways...carried forward by so many.

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi Dee thank you for asking about my famaily and your right  Charlotte is a very high risk and we are just trying to get her further along so baby has the best chance she’s now 29 weeks. I am so worried about her xx

my oldest daughter is trying to sort her marriage out that’s all they can do, try, it’s worth that I think they love each other but his family come between them and her husband can’t stand up to to him. He’s having counselling for that now. The first thing the counselling said was that their are THREE people in this marriage!!

my grand children are my lifeline they keep me going small steps with them by my side.  Samantha I too have days and days when my grief completely consumes me and where I scream and scream usually loosing my voice but I feel more peaceful after. It’s so hard take care x 

Dee I say it again you should put your poetry in a book it’s so thoughtful really good x

i know I don’t post much but I always read xx

peace and love to all GEORGINA xx

 

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Good afternoon to all.

This site has literally been a life saver for me.  I don't write as often as I should but always read and there have been so many times just what I needed to hear was being shared.    We have all been changed and will foreve experience the hard days. Sometimes they aren't as hard as we are prepared for them to be, and other times it takes us back where it feels as hard as it did in the beginning.   I am heading right now, it feels like lightening speed ,to the 6th anniversary of Sarah's death and the memories of her last 6 weeks are very real and invades my thoughts.    I believe that watching my dear friend Marilyn mourn and grieve for Heather makes this year so hard.     However, knowing that I can come to this site where EVERYONE gets it, brings me comfort  and support.   I  have made some good friends here and would be lost without you all.   I hope no one leaves due to differences in opinion.    I remember when I was a little girl watching my grandpa sit and discuss upcoming elections with his friends.  They did not all hold the same political leanings and and they would get into to some interesting conversations, but would leave as friends, without anger or hard feelings because politics was an individual belief and friends could agree to disagree.   When did that change?  I miss those days.    I think we all have the right to share our feelings and thoughts.   We will not all agree, but that is ok.   What brings us here is a loss, greater than any in this world and as we see others start this awful journey it makes us  all want to  see a stop to the madness and fix our broken country.    I agree with everyone that something has to be done.   I hope no one leaves and that those of us who have been here awhile and those finding themselves new to this dreaded place can continue to draw strength and love and acceptance.

Have a peaceful evening.

Sandy

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My girl is in heaven

There is a line from the movie Shawshank Redemption (which my husband has watched at least a thousand times),  and it says  “you either get busy living or you get busy dying”. I think of that every  now and then.  Like there is no in between, I wonder if that’s what they meant? While on one hand I’ve picked and scraped and carved out a little headway here and there, I just constantly think of how I’m leaving this world for my boys and husband.  Will is done, bank papers in order, have purged truck and car loads full to Salvation Army after first asking the boys if they want anything. I’ve cleaned out almost every drawer and cupboard. I have some windows and a fireplace that need replacing.  I’ve got a call into a painter to paint the bathrooms.  When I’m gone I just want to make sure the house is in good shape for selling and I don’t want my boys saying oh why did mom save boxfuls of junky dishes and Christmas decorations.  I am writing out how I pay bills, looking at getting life insurance, and have even written out my funeral wishes.  Of course after six years I still can’t bear to part with anything of Kira’s. Buckets and buckets in the basement.  They just make me cry if I look at them. And of course making sure someone will take Lilly when I’m gone (my husband hates her lol) and I want to buy a cat cremation box so she will get buried by me and Kira.    I still have a ways to go but want to go to sleep one night with the thought if I die in the night  have left everything all tied up for my boys.  I have the business cards for the bank guy and the chaplain here. And I have a book with passwords and how to pay bills, etc. In I never really thought much about it that’s just the direction I’ve pulled myself in .i read somewhere once where a mother said I died that day too, they just forgot to bury me.  Wow that describes everything I feel in one sentence.  I’m just wondering if once I get all of this done, if I well say ok, now get busy living.  I just don’t know.  

 

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Louanne, that is so so interesting, that you have purged it all except for Kira's things so that you don't burden anyone with 'stuff' if you die...when you die. But I tend to think that your last prediction may be right, you are starting to live a bit more each week it seems, knowing that you are never disrespecting your girl by living, in fact you are delighting her when you go out and do something that is fun or new. In the meantime, your home is cleaned up and certainly not cluttered.

Sandy, good to see you, yes, you are heading into that 6th angel day, and I am sure that nursing your sweet friend through her early days of grief is like reliving your own, and then there is your own that will demand your attention. Sarah and Heather are flying high side by side as you walk along with Marilyn, and they are so proud of you to face Marilyn's loss of Heather as you walk your path as well. I am so proud of you too, and hope you know that your assistance is exactly what Colleen spoke of earlier today: you can become bitter or you can become better, you can become more compassionate. You certainly have done that.

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LouAnn...I know that the news you are hearing on the radio and TV is very depressing and it can bring you down. I would love you to do me a huge favour. Please do try to get outside  and not focus as much on death. Have you considered volunteering at  a shelter or something that will keep you so occupied and busy that you will be completely absorbed even if only for a short time. Perhaps a part time job at a greenhouse where you could help with the upcoming preparations for the planting season. I know it has been a long winter... but it is almost behind us. 

We headed out today and the warmth of the sun on our face was pure bliss! The days are lengthening and spring is not far off. 

You sound as if you have been really busy getting things in order. Not a bad idea at all. It is always good to keep one step ahead and by making sure your house is in order it will help your family down the road. I have done the same thing. I bet you were a girl guide. :)

Ok, today I have had a song in my head all day that I can't get rid of. This really dates me but it was by Jackie DeShannon in the late sixties. Put A Little Love in Your Heart. Could someone that is more computer savvy please post it for me. Thanks in advance.

 

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I completely understand,  I am going through everything,  getting it taken care of fir my husband if I go.  I don't want him to have to deal with all my stuff. I pay all the bills so I need to get that organized,  redoing the will since my daughter was the second beneficiary. I want to leave them with as little to deal with when the good lord takes me.  I never know when it will be my last: my daughter was 18, my mom was 50, and my dad 64. I am 37. I could go tomorrow.  I want it as easy for them as possible. 

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My girl is in heaven

I know this has nothing to do with grief.  Other than the fact I’m feeling a little down til I look over and see Lilly with her head in the bottom of a chip dip container.  Then once she gets her head out her cheeks and whiskers are covered in dip. Ok I know I need to get a life. But I just had to share.  How can my husband not think she’s cute.   She made me smile, even just for a minute.  

image.jpg

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Great Song Dianne, one of the best...making me smile as I head to bed.

love the kitty with her head in the dip...

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LouAnn...love the kitty. Any particular flavour he likes? Oops, I see it is onion. 

Dianne, wow...was that ever a trip down memory lane. I was a girl in her young teens and I was actually more of a Beatles fan at the time. It was definitely the hippie era. Long hair and the peace sign. I must have thought of the song as we are about to legalize weed and it will be readily available in specialty stores throughout the country. The times they are a changing... as Bob would say.

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TearsInHeaven

Kate,  glad I could find the song for you.  No problem.  I too was in my teens when that came out.  I had the long straight hair and thick bangs. I still keep a peace sign on display in my house.  Michael's urn has a peace sign on the cover as my son and I saw a lot of things the same.  My husband still calls me his "clean" hippy flower child ( even though I am old, old, old) as I never did drugs. Back a long time ago he used to sing this song to me "The rain, the park and other things." Considering he was always a hard rock kind of guy, he really stepped out of his element.   So thank you for sending me on this trip down memory lane. 

I will admit do doing some purging here in my house. I still have more to go for sure.  I think you just reach that point where you know you have to start looking at your "stuff".  (I keep hoping to move to get to where my daughter and I can live closer---just out of Laramie) We set up a trust for my daughter and granddaughter. Since she is my only surviving child I did want to make things easier for her but my time will come when my time comes.  I remember thinking when my grief was so new that I didn't care if I lived or died but as the reality came into perspective, I know I have a daughter and a granddaughter and I want to see Piper grow as much as I can.  I also pay the bills but I have been having my husband do them periodically so he at least knows what to do.  I think that like a young woman gets that "nesting" feeling you also get that organize and prepare for those "other things" that can happen as you get older.

Enough of my rainy perspective.........peace and comfort to all.

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Not a rainy perspective to me, just a reality we all have to see one day...I am in my 60's so I too have done some things to simplify for my Son and his beautiful family. HOwever I am a clutter keeper and must cut back on that, thinking that this summer it will be one of my goals...nobody should have to go through 23 years or more of teacher cards and whatnot. I love the cards and the thoughts, but it is time to let it go. I have been learning to enjoy it for the season in which it was given, then let it go. Now I have to go back into the years that I was unable to do that. I get so sidetracked by this activity though, remembering and digressing, so it is best to tackle int he summer when I have that kind of time...

I have peace signs all over my classroom, in all kinds of ways, and I generally still give the peace sign as I find it the most natural way to say goodbye with a wave...May we find peaceful solutions in our everyday.

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I am sorry to post something so silly, but I am asking our United Kingdom friends, oR others knowledgeable in communication.

My husband told me giving the peace sign means something different in the U.K. (pointer and middle finger in a "V" shape).

Is he pulling my leg?

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

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Colleen, it was Winston Churchill that first used this sign as a sign of victory during the war. It later became know as a sign for peace.

Dianne, do not get me started on those days. How I loved the British Invasion era. My sister who is older was more into Neil Diamond and the Supremes at the time. My brother was more into CCR and others. We were all varied in our tastes. Did you know that American Woman was penned by The Guess Who from Winnipeg? in 1970 they sold more albums than any other band including the Beatles and The Doors.

We were a political family and as a young girl I bought a massive poster of Pierre  Elliot Trudeau that I taped to our mantle piece just before my parents held a cocktail party.   My parents were busy doing one thing or another and did not go into the living room to see it. Once the guests arrived it sparked much discussion. Especially as many of hem supported the Conservatives. :D I often remembered how my parents would discuss things just before leaving to attend some event or another. My father told my mom if she brought up politics or religion any more he was going to leave and go home. She was very interested in the events of the day.

Yes, it is always nice to take that trip back in time.

Susan, wishing you luck this week and hoping all is well. Leah...same for you.

Kate

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My girl is in heaven

It is so sad and draining to see these kids funerals all week. Two more today.  Cause I know that 99 % of people will watch the news and say oh how sad but in less than 10 seconds after that it will be totally out of their minds. Never to return .  My heart is just aching for them.  Even though I didn' know them personally I wish I could tell those parents that I won't forget them.  I won' for get on Valentine's day each year about their beautiful babies. If there is an address if you see where they can be contacted let me know.  Thanks. 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Okay, I’ll be the bad guy and say what no one else is brave enough to say, but wants to say. I’ll take all the criticism and attacks from everyone because you know what? I’m a TEACHER. I live this life daily. And I wouldn’t do anything else! But I also know daily I could end up in an active shooter situation.

Until we, as a country, are willing to get serious and talk about mental health issues, lack of available care for the mental health issues, lack of discipline in the home, horrendous lack of parental support when the schools are trying to control horrible behavior at school (oh no! Not MY KID. What did YOU do to cause my kid to react that way?), lack of moral values, and yes, I’ll say it-violent video games that take away all sensitivity to ANY compassion for others’ lives, as well as reality TV that makes it commonplace for people to constantly scream up in each others’ faces and not value any other person but themselves, we will have a gun problem in school. Our kids don’t understand the permanency of death anymore!!!

I grew up with guns. Everyone knows that. But you know what? My parents NEVER supported any bad behavior from me. I was terrified of doing something bad at school, as I would have not had a life until I corrected the problem and straightened my ass out. My parents invaded my life. They knew where I was ALL the time. They made me have a curfew. They made me wake them up when I got home. They made me respect their rules. They had full control of their house, and at any time could and would go through every inch of my bedroom, backpack, pockets, anything! Parents: it’s time to STEP UP! Be the parent that actually gives a crap! Be the annoying mom that pries and knows what your kid is doing. STOP being their friend. They have enough “friends” at school. Be their parent. Being the “cool mom” means not a damn thing when either your kid is dead or your kid kills other people because they were allowed to have their space and privacy in YOUR HOME. I’ll say it again. My home was filled with guns growing up. For God’s sake, my daddy was an 82nd Airborne Ranger who lost half his face serving our country. But you know what? I never dreamed of shooting anyone with his guns. I never dreamed of taking one! I was taught respect for human life, compassion, rules, common decency, and most of all, I was taught that until I moved out, my life and bedroom wasn’t mine...it was theirs. And they were going to know what was happening because they loved me and wanted the best for me.

There. Say that I’m a horrible person. I didn’t bring up gun control, and I will refuse to debate it with anyone. This post wasn’t about gun control. This was me, loving the crap out of people and wanting the best for them. This was about my school babies and knowing that God created each one for greatness, and just wanting them to reach their futures. It’s about 20 years ago this year I started my teaching career. Violence was not this bad 20 years ago. Lack of compassion wasn’t this bad 20 years ago. And God knows 20 years ago that I wasn’t afraid daily to call a parent because I KNEW that 9 out of 10 would cuss me out, tell me to go to Hell, call the news on me, call the school board on me, or post all over FaceBook about me because I called to let them know what their child chose to do at school...because they are a NORMAL kid!!!!!

Those 17 lives mattered. When are we going to take our own responsibility seriously?

 

This was written by the Eustis Middle School Teacher of the Year....2017-2018

Dee...am sure you can find common ground with her....

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