Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

Recommended Posts

  • Members
peggy a sad mom

thank you i just feel like my heart won't last until that little ray of sunshine. i may have to give in to calling my doctor cause i know i need help.

thank you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 68.4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • ericasmom

    9217

  • Mermaid Tears

    3803

  • daveydow1

    3002

  • shorty16

    2248

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Members

I remember those times that the pain was unbearable...your place of work needs to build in breaks for you to get outside or in your car to just breathe, breathe, and cry. Let it out and yes, the heart actually hurts it really does, it becomes physical as well as emotional ache. Drink some water and get out of there for 15 minutes.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

peggy there is no shame in needing some help getting through this by calling your doctor. Many of us needed anti depressants to allow us to function or sleeping medication. The dr could also sign you off work perhaps? so harsh to expect a parent who lost their child to be able to work as if nothing has happened. Ask my dear. I always taught my kids "Don't ask, don't get", the worse that can happen is they will say no and often say yes so it is worth a shot.

rebekah'smom there are constant ups and downs in grief. You can be doing a little better then something happens that knocks you flat on your back again. Sometimes there is no trigger it is just overwhelming sadness. There is definitely some shock in the first few months your mind kind of disassociates, with time being distorted. Some days last forever others go by and you cant remember them it is really weird but a fact. That is why we all keep saying take it one day at a time don't be tempted to rush things, grief has to be suffered through. You may get more information soon and that also has to be mentally processed.

x.png.e9c795e251f4ca41d86c586b7c177969.png

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Margarett.  Thanks for sharing the stories of your precious Jason.  And of course you don’t know where your head and heart are right now.  That is par for the course with grief.  Things will come around but like our friend dee says it will be awhile.  I am glad you newbies have found this site so early on.  I wish I had of.  Everyone here has been and are in your shoes.  It has been a god send for me to have these wonderful people in my life.  We will be here for you.  

Dianne.  Yeah the poor old hawks are a little beaten up this year.  I keep telling my husband Vegas is going to take the cup first year out. 

Samantha.  How are you doing.  Everything so new and raw.  But as you can see many other parents are here to hold your hands.  I always find such a connection with other bereaved parents. It’s like if we all were sitting in th same room none of us would have to say a word.  We would all understand.  One foot in front of the other right now.  Baby steps. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Peggy,

we get it.  I still say, I never knew this depth of pain existed.  This deep, horrible pain will not last forever.  Over time, the pain changes or morphs to something tolerable.

I wish I could come over and sit with you.  Crying is ok.  For me, it was a pressure-valve release.  

I returned to work 5 weeks after Brians death.  One thing I learned is I had to teach people how to interact with me.  Like, when I cry, they did not make me cry, Brian's death does that.  Say his name.  I love hearing Brian's name.  Especially now, so many years later.  My husbands family does not talk about Brian.  My sister does and that is nice.

The physical pain you feel now will not last forever.  The time line is different for each of us.  Hang on, my friends.

love to you

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Peggy--i agree try and see your doctor. She gave me something to sleep. I had gone over 36 hours when I initially got the news and needed something to get through the wake/funeral/ holidays. I'm off work on unpaid leave but I couldn't imagine trying to function there now. I will return someday.

Margarat-- I loved hearing about your son. I agree he is with you as you write. I originally couldn't remember anything good about my daughter. Like my mind was blank. Now I can. 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Ok just when I think after six years that I have run into every grief trigger there is, sure enough i run into another one.  My husband and I were watching the olympics. It took me back to feb 1988 .  I was pregnant with Evan and we were watching the winter Olympics from Calgary Alberta.  As the women figure skaters came out on the ice they had thier names and country on the tv screen.  When the Russian figure skater came out her name was Kira Evanova. My husband and I both looked at each other and there we picked out a girls name.   I just love that name.  But it took til 1994 when I had a girl to use that name. That memory hadn’t  come to me in years. I don’t know why all of a sudden 30 years later that popped into my mind the other night.  

I had a colonoscopy today and they put you out for the procedure. When I came to and was waiting in the recovery room I started crying.  A really nice nurse came over and asked what was wrong.  I pointed to the needle thing in my hand. And she said I know that hurts.  I said no when the anesthetic worked I thought maybe I would get to go to heaven and I was crying because I woke up and was still here on earth.  Gee I don’t know where that came from.  I cried for a little bit then was ok.  

I always said it’s like your sitting in a boat and sometimes you see the waves coming and can brace your self and then other times they come out of no where and throw you over board.

Colleen.  I sent you an email but it said it went to beyond indigo so let me know if you got it.  

sorry, I’ve been yapping too much today.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
peggy a sad mom

Yap all you want I need to pay attention to something rather then just sitting here screaming and crying which is what I do when not reading. I'm sorry you have to be here also but I'm happy to feel your posts. Thank you peggy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
peggy a sad mom

Shortly 16 thank you for your response to me I really really needed it. I can't imagine being like this forever

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
SAMANTHA ANT'S MA
On 2/10/2018 at 7:46 PM, Tommy's mum said:

samantha the fact you felt strong enough to find us and are posting is great. especially as losing your son is still so fresh. Give advice if you have any or tell us something that has worked for you or touched you. Or just more about your family and of course your son. At the beginning you just want it all to go away, to hide yourself and lick your wounds and not have to explain or justify yourself to anyone. Relationships become fragile as you may both be on different paths and feelings get misinterpreted and hurt. Not every family is lucky enough to agree on all the details of services, burials,cremations, gravesites etc etc often people have very different ideas and it becomes a tough compromise. Some people shut down and cannot participate in any of it because they are holding on by a thread, others have very strong opinions and show more of the anger side. If there are ex partners also in the mix that muddies the water even more, I speak from experience on that one. My 3 adult children were all very different in their coping in the early days. Oldest daughter was enraged and angry with absolutely everyone for months ,even me, my middle daughter cried but could not cope with making arrangements for her brother's service  and later spreading of the ashes choosing to stand well away and observe and my youngest son was incredible for his young years he was 19 and finishing his second high school after moving down to live with me. he was by far the most understanding and dealt admirably with his angry father who kept whipping up storms with the girls which were unecessary. Now they feel fairly similarly and all have some sad times, but support each other. They have more anxiety than they had before and the sadness and regrets are mentioned a little more but not much is said sometimes the feelings run too deep to be verbalised. the grief is still there in them all. My son has managed to get 4 counselling sessions which I hope help him and make him realise that sharing is not being weak it is making him stronger for the future. The girls just work hard and push it down until it bubbles up and they will have a cry then pushed away again. It takes time my friends and cannot be rushed, you will get to be where you want to be when it is the right time for you.

dee yes hope is a lovely word. It means there is a way towards the light and life again, it means things will not always be so dark and hopeless, it means a change in attitude a new start, a new day after a weepy night. Without hope life is very bleak and cold.

keep-going.jpg.cd24451cf7041a1a2e0716ff91dcc515.jpg

 

lori-goodwin-quotes.jpg.b1b80577245ab5bb5b2a0bf3e39e124c.jpg

Thanks Tommy's mum

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

This past week has been extremely difficult for me. Overwhelming Sadnes, Lost & Confussed

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Rebekah is absolutely beautiful.   What kind of doggie?   

XXOO. margarett 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you margeetx.

She had bought a small Chihuahua/yorkie mis Nov 14th. She was so excited she FaceTimed me she was crying the while time. I tried to talk her out of it..making sure she knew how much work pups are etc. We have always had a houseful so she wanted one of her own. She told me she got a deal on him...later after she passed away I found out she spent one her her entire pays on him. She loved him dearly. She said what are you going to get your grandson for Christmas etc. 

When I found out she died I instantly knew I had to get him. Luckily the police were able to track down where he went and a good family friend got him shipped home from Alberta to us.

He's a great distraction. I know how much she loved him. I take him almost everywhere that I go. I renamed him beck after her. 

The first pic is him.

The bottom is her with one of our family dogs. She truly loved all animals.

 

20180207_141840.jpg

Screenshot_20180212-231559.png

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

It made a month today since  my son Anthony received his angle wings. I just can't stop crying & screeming. I cry cause I am so hurt in side & I screem because of my maddness in my mind. I hate the way I feel. Completely  out of control. I feel worse than ever. My mind is almost gone. I am trying my hardest to do it with out meds but I don't think I am going to make it. This is getting extremely difficult to handle. The pain, the fear, the thoughts become so raw. The pain robs me from my strength,  the fear consoles all of me & my thoughts take over my mind. All I have the strength left to do is curl up in a ball.                 Help Extremely difficult 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I hardly know where to begin. January 16 2018, 2 policeman came to our door. My son lived in Wilmington about 15 miles from me and his stepmom in a group house he had just started managing. He had taken over the lease and was in the process of getting new roommates and buying furniture. The police asked me to step outside then asked me if I had a son named Adam. I was thinking bar fight arrest or something else, anything but what the officer told me. Adam had died in his house from what appeared to be an opioid overdose. That was a month ago tomorrow. It seems like 5 minutes ago. I knew he drank and smoked some weed, but I knew him or thought I knew him to be against anything heavier. We had had talks about how bad and dangerous the hard drugs were in this town. Now Adam's gone, forever. The grief and sadness washes over me constantly. He was my only child, and he's gone. He was only 33. 

Youll have to excuse my ignorance. I'm not sure if I'm creating a new post or responding to someone else's. My intention was to send my first post. Things are still a bit muddled.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
peggy a sad mom

Adams dad my name is Peggy my son Ron passed away January 20th and I still dont know why. I don't know how we are going to survive. I have every emotion there is but I cry and scream a lot. He was 44 I'm just in another world. So sorry for you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Adam's Dad, you found yourself posting in the correct place, we just wish that you hadn't had the reason...I am so sorry for your sadness, shock, and life long grief...this first month is horrendous, and several months will be like this for you and all of our Newbies, you have joined when so many other new to this grief have also joined. Take one breath and then another, eat small meals and drink plenty of water, this is just to keep you going...healing is the slowest progress and one should not expect healing in the same sense of healing from any other thing. One minute at a time, and yes, the time aspect of loss abstracts all time for me: 5 minutes ago, 5 years ago, and now 14.5 years ago for me and one other member here, Sherry. We are here to show you that you will make it to a new place, but it takes time and patience with yourselves. Time and deliberate work to find your way. Starting here is a deliberate act of survival, we are proud of you. Keep posting. Tell us all that you feel comfortable with. We get it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

samantha, margarett, niquesmom and Rebekah's mom you are all struggling so much because it is early days. I am glad you joined us so you can express yourselves without making your family members more worried because we get the craziness that grief forces upon you. It is an agony of loss and yearning to have your child back that brings you to your knees, keeps you screaming in distress and breaks your mind. I lost my son Tommy in Aug 2015 he had helped a friend move into university dorms and after they had a few beers his friend Pat broke down and climbed out of the window 14 stories up and was going to jump off. he did have some mental health issues before. The police could not get near him so left my son and another friend try to talk him down. Realising that Pat was getting more and more distressed Tommy climbed out of the window and held his hand telling him he would not go in without him. After some time Pat agreed to come back in but when they were climbing back in the window broke and they both fell to the ground suffering multiple serious injuries. My Tommy did not make it although the Er staff fought desperately to save him but Pat survived. We had not seen my son for 4 years as he lived in Hawaii and we had relocated back to the UK and none of us had the money for a flight. Every night  I prayed I would somehow get enough to fly out and see him. The last time we saw him was in the funeral home it was devastating. Lost all faith in a god since I was told he had died and never set foot again in a church. My 3 other adult children had never been to a funeral or seen a body and found it very hard but were glad to see him and say goodbye. At first those images haunt you night and day,  but over time they are replaced by happier memories. You never ever forget how you felt back then and are amazed that you actually do survive the loss. Each year they are gone is different the grief is always there inside but the intensity lessens. Use whatever tools you need to keep yourself going your faith, community support, family friends, medications prescribed by a doctor but avoid excess alcohol and drugs they can become a crutch and then a problem.

adamsdad you are in the right place we all gather here to keep a continuous loop of posts and support all in one place. I am sorry for the loss of your son. My son had just turned 24. parents are usually the last to know when drugs or excessive alcohol are being used by their child because it is kept very quiet. The child knows it is not right or legal but use it to numb the emotions or escape from the pressures in their life and often have undiagnosed depression anxiety or other mental illness. There is still a stigma around mental health the sufferers are ashamed for not coping and are afraid of being judged. There are several parents on this thread who also lost their child to drugs and I hope you can connect with them. nevertheless all of us have lost a child/adult child and follow the same path through grieving. It becomes immaterial in the end how they died or even when. All that remains is a deep love and sorrow that they are gone from our lives that we carry to the grave.

time-doesn-t-heal-all-wounds-quote-1000-healing-quotes-on-pinterest-inspirational-quotes-and.jpg.d43f10ad7268cc0163a0dbc20aef8985.jpgtumblr_n7tdzzTCDO1s4yyi9o1_1280.png.527c22de20c116e0ddae1ae0b3c235a7.png

wounded-healers.jpg.b7129a6f792d5e126a2a05081f0a7fb8.jpg

time-doesn-t-heal-all-wounds-quote-1000-healing-quotes-on-pinterest-inspirational-quotes-and.jpg.d43f10ad7268cc0163a0dbc20aef8985.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Ericasmom...thanks for your words of support. Last weekend we had a celebration of life here at our home for my local friends and family, most of whom came from out of town. Adam’s friends had a party at a local bar. They lined up four bands, made commemorative tee shirts, it was a great send off. I took some pictures and his ashes to the venue. His friends appreciated that. We have lived in Wilmington about 4 years and our circle of friends is small. Adam moved down here with us for a fresh start. He mostly did restaurant work since moving here and seems to know half the town. That’s the kind of guy he was. 

For me, the loss is so unexplainably deep and overwhelming.  My wife, who is Adam’s stepmom of 19 years, gets it, but doesn’t share it. She crys for my hurt and loss, while working thru her own. It is such a total mess right now. She can sense that I’m on a different level of loss than her, and it’s killing her. She has a son Adams age with type 1 diabetes. We always thought we would be getting a call about him being in a coma as he doesn’t manage his disease very well. Sorry...I’m rambling. I seem to do that a lot these days. It’s been one month today and the grief seems to be getting worse. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Adams dad I too lost my daughter due to what we believe from accidental drug overdose. She passed away Dec 17th not even 2 months ago at age 21.

The first month was a fog and still very much is. I remember the first week I couldn't even watch a tv show I had no attention span. It's still pretty limited now. I still cry daily, sometimes once sometimes a few times. I still get angry and ask why us why our lives. My husband said what Ericasmom said about the undiagnosed depression/anxiety he thinks she used alcohol and drugs as a way to cope or socialize. I too didn't know she was taking drugs either. 

I take each day at a time. 

She lived in Alberta and I live in nova scotia. We recently got all of her belongings home. I can't even dream of looking at them. I'm still too raw.

I'm glad I found this site, but wish with all I had it was for other circumstances.

Sarah  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Adams dad.  So sorry about the lose of your precious son Adam.  The shock and denial can really take over sometimes in the beginning.  Sounds like your son was loved by so many.  Glad you had a celebration where everybody could share.  Inch along, one minute at a time and try not to look very far ahead right now.  

Rebekahs mom, Samantha, Margaret, Peggy, Adams dad, niques mom.  It has been so saddening to see all the new grieving parents. A club nobody wants to join and you can never leave it.  I wish I could take all your pain away. I wish I could speed things up to a day where you can hold your head up and feel the sunshine on your face again.  But unfortunately it is something that takes its time coming.  I’m six years in. I’m not really a newbie but not an oldie. But I can tell you that one day grief will loosen its grip a little. We will carry this to our grave but somehow we do find our footing again, albeit a little wobbly.  We just have to show our other children and loved ones it is ok to find happiness again.  It will never be the same. It’s like you have to reinvent yourself.  And all the questions about why us, why our kid, what if, if only I had of.  You can search the earth over and you will never get answers in this world anyway.  A lot of you will find that dear friends and family will start going back to thier lives one by one they will drop off.  I was hurt so much by that for years and now I don’t even try to make them understand cause unless it happens to them they never will.  But then I found this web site and nobody has ever said get over it, move on with your life, you should be ok by now.  No one here will judge you on how you grieve or for how long.  You will always be understood here. Even though it is not in person that we communicate I know I can always come here to feel a strong hug or someone holding my hand.  Grieving parents are the strongest people in the world.  Hang on everyone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
peggy a sad mom

i just want to comment but i just don't know what to say. we all know what it was like to see another parent suffer over the loss of their child we all thought we knew how they felt till now. we can't condemn any one else for not feeling it cause i never and i mean never knew this pain before. i would not wish this on my worse enemy. i thought it was over for me today. when i got home from work i was alone and i went and lied on my son's bed and i screamed and cried more than i have in the last 3 and a half weeks. it wouldn't stop . i just messaged my doctor to help me cause i know i can't do it alone. i am assuming for me for once i got lucky when i was screaming my husband walked in the door to calm me down. he was 4 hrs. early. yes we are the strongest people in the world cause nothing is worse then this. 

peggy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

You are right Peggy, we could never have aligned ourselves next to grieving parents the way it would be needed due to the fact that we just didn't know, how could anyone know unless they have also lost a Child? And we don't want them to know, God knows we wish not another person needed to know, but sadly, there will be more. And somewhere down that line, you will likely reach a hand out and lift a parent because you know.  Peggy, yes, scream and shout and rage and heartache all in one...it is horror, it is the very hardest and worst pain to feel and it is more real than we ever hoped to know, but it is not more real than our Children's lives...nobody, not even the AMTRAK train that slammed my daughter's car at a broken crossing, can take the facts away from HER life. Our kids are much more than the way they died.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
TearsInHeaven

Adamsdad, by now you can tell you came to the right place and I am sorry that you suffered a loss so unimaginable.  There are so many compassionate people here who get how this pain crushes you. This is a group who will listen and be always ready to stand by your side, hold your hand or whatever your heart needs as you join the sad journey of grief.  . It can be filled with blocks of denial, and visions of moments and days when it just doesn’t seem real.  We think about the "what ifs," as our mind is trying to take in and process what happened. We want so desperately to be able to go back in time and change the outcome. At some point the shock wears off even just a little and it does start to feel real which often increases the pain for some and then there are whole moments and days when the pain is almost unbearable. There are people here who have walked in your shoes, are here to cry with you, scream with you, get angry with you, love, support and pray with you regardless of your circumstances and what and how you're going through this nightmare. Family and friends can be a big support but unless they too have lost a child, they don’t truly understand what you are facing. It is so important to try to take care of yourself even though it may be the last thing on your mind.  Give yourself time and space to grieve.  We learn to carry our grief inside of us.  And the grief DOES evolve.  But right now think only of getting through a day or an hour or if necessary, a minute.  You don't have to go through this alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

The puppy is precious.   It will give you so much joy....and, it will also be boundful with her memories.   Today is the dreaded Tuesday.   21 days since Jason died. In one sense, it seems life a lifetime ago; in another sense, it seems as if Mike is standing at my bedside, saying " take your medicine; Jason is dead."  Will I ever get that particular vision out of my head?   I will write more tonight.....Mike just brought food in from Jason's Deli..... of course.   XXOO margarett 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

I have never screamed, hollered, hit anything, beat on anybody.  I broke down at the cemetery last year and let out one big whale.  But no crying not even when she died or at the funeral,  not one single tear. It’s like I am a walking Skelton with no insides.   I have cried alone  to myself.  Does it make any sense though that my soul is silently screaming inside me.  Cause that’s how I feel.  I just can’t outwardly show it.  Is there something wrong with me ? 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
peggy a sad mom

That is very strange I would say everyone is different. I have go through 5 boxes of tissues in 3 weeks. I can't stop crying. Before this though I only cried when I was alone. Now I just don't care. I hope your not holding it in I would think that isn't good. No I don't think there is anything wrong with you

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

I remember thinking where’s the manual, the instruction book on what to do when your child dies.  But there is none.  I got all hopeful for awhile because I thought that if I could think of something to do that would please god so much he would bring her back.  Yes I really did think that for awhile.  That and I had every intention of committing suicide when I got home from the cemetery.  That’s the only thing I could say to her was I willl be with you soon.  So obviously those two ideas didn’t happen.  I always had and some days still think that I died that day too but they just forgot to bury me.  But see all you newbies I’m six years in and I have come thru all of that and you guys can too.  It’s just so raw for you right now.   I’m crying for you all right now cause I know this is just the first ripple in the ocean and so don’t want to think of anybody going thru this. Your right Peggy...this is the worst thing that can happen.  You guys have found this site early on, I so wish I had of but I’m just glad I’m here now.  Hugs to all Luanne.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thank you all so much for your expressions of support. I’d like to say that with each passing day things are getting more manageable, but it’s just the opposite. I seem to be more lost now than I was a month ago. My sorrow is greater, my grief more profound. I have doubts of my life ever returning to any semblance of normalcy. I cry all the time. Today is the one month anniversary of Adam’s death. The pain is sometimes more than I can bare. I hope I make it, for my wife’s sake. She needs me. I’m an aethist with no belief in an afterlife. This for me makes the finality of Adam’s passing all the more final. I harbor no illusions of a hookup in the afterlife. This is my belief system. Does this add to my sorrow? I think not. How can anyone be in more pain after losing a child. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I read and my heart just aches for everyone. Adams Dad and Rebekah's Mom, I vaguely remember being in your shoes, so fresh to this unbearable pain. My only child, Ian died of an accidental overdose a little over 10 months ago.  He was 30 and of course my world shattered. While I'm still very deep in the throws of grief, please believe me when I say hang on!  Day by day. Heck, minute by minute, really. I still feel that way. I wake up and say good morning Ian and tell myself " do the best you can today."  My first few months I sat alone in my house most days and either read, slept or cried. I found reading about the grief process to be very helpful. I also realized this was so much stronger than me and saw my doctor who prescribed an antidepressant. I was worried about not being able to feel, but I still do.  If you can, take FMLA and take care of yourself. I also saw a grief counselor from May-Sept. I'm thinking about going back. I found myself staring at my computer today for about 15 straight minutes because I couldn't remember what I was doing. Serious brain fog. Then on the drive home a song comes on the radio and here come the tears. I'm pretty new here, but every time I come on, I feel like " they get it...I'm understood and I find the words of those who have endured longer than us to be incredibly helpful.  I will also say I initially thought people would think less of me (and him) because his manner of death but I refuse to think that any more. The ME told us his heart was extremely large for a young man his age, upon initial report before toxicology report. His Dad and I both immediately thought, yes it was! That large heart spread lots of love and kindness around this world in those 30 years. THAT is what I choose to try and remember. Some days that is easier than others.  I still feel like Im walking around aimlessly with no direction but I am surviving. I isolate when necessary and force myself to interact with close friends only.  I dont want to, often, but for me it does help.  

Erikasmom and TearsinHeaven (and others Im soryy I cant remember) have great words of experience and encouragement.  I talked about hope in a prior post and Dee said she caught some flack for using that word early on. Hope is a powerful word and feeling. You dont have to feel it now ( because I sure didn't) but I have to have it at least once in awhile otherwise I'm not sure I could breathe.

I hope you find tomorrow to be as good as you can be. I'm going to try again.

Blessings, Mothership

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I had a terrible evening. After cleaning around my room in my closet I found boots she had bought for us both. I started looking more and found her urn and ashes that I had gotten my husband to put away because it was too difficult to see out in the open right now. 

I then found old photo albums and had a melt down. Thank you Ativan for rescuing me 30 min into my meltdown.

I did request antidepressants about 3 weeks after her death. I just didn't see any possibility of improvement in the future at all and I admit unless it was mind over matter I do have many more good days than bad. And Ativan for times I feel I could rip my skin off.

I never imagined so much pain but reading others that have gone through and are able to share hope for reinventing normalcy is what i am clinging to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Rebekahs mom, I understand all so well right now. My daughter has been gone almost 3 months now. I feel like I am going insane on some days. I try to put on the I am fine face for work while on the inside I can't hold anything togeather. Today I have decided to start talking to someone. I know there is hope I am just not there. I can hardly go in a place that we went in togeather. But I recently found these page. I know but sharing and reading that I can start to understand, I have experience loss but when I lost my daughter I lost a piece of myself. Like I said I hope to find some understanding here and ways to cope. This is the first time I really have talked about her. Thank you

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I HATE TUESDAY. My son got a call at 7 am. He woke me telling me I needed to get dressed and answer the door. I was confused first because, what, I'm in my PJs. So I get out of bed heading to the door. All groggy, I see a cop. He asked me if I was Tina York. I'm thinking to myself, what, you know who I am. I say yes. He asks if he can come in. I'm thinking, umm. Why???  Then I saw my kids dad. In my head, I'm thinking... what did I do... nothing but why...then I think, if I let them in the can arrest me, for what I don't know. But then if I don't get, they will get a warrant. I'm not going to run. Where would I go. So I say ok. I see another cop. I start to head down my stairs. I turn around and ask if they are going to arrest me?  He says no, I wish that was the case but I need you to have a seat. I make excuses for the mess in my apartment cuz I'm in recovery from alcohol. I don't even make it to my chair and the words come out of his mouth. "kiona passed away this morning". I hit the floor. I cried. I turned and asked how. He said it looks like alcohol poisoning. (not the case). It's kinda foggy what all happened next. I know I talked to the ER doctor. I called my mom. She, was woken up. She was frantic. I talked to my dad. I couldn't drive so I asked my son if he could drive. I wanted to see her. She was at school 3.5 hours away. They said if we wanted to see her, we needed to soon because the county ordered an autopsy. Her dad said he would. The cops took him to his truck. He showed back up and we were off.  It's still so fresh in my mind. It still hurts so bad. It's been 329 days today. I still count the days. I hate Tuesday. I don't get as upset about the 21st of the month as I do about Tuesday. 

I've found, also heard from an older lady, that the only way I can deal with it is to not think about it. Turn the thoughts off. That's probably not healthy but only way I can go on.

I've researched how my family feels. I've been told, that isn't always true. My thoughts are, at least I tried for them. The only one who understands is my mom. My dad does worry about me. He tries. He will listen without trying to give advice. My son, grieves the past. He grieves the future. His only witness to his life after mom and dad are gone. My mom grieves the loss of her granddaughter plus the pain her daughter feels. 

I didn't have dreams before. I do now. She is about 10 but talks like she is 19. She was 19 when she passed. I've never been angry at God. I think he gave her a choice. She chose to leave. I don't...idk. Hate her for that. I know I won't do anything to mess up me seeing her when it's my time. I do know I hope my time is SOON. Not to leave my son but I miss her. I CANNOT believe this is my life. Really... really is this my life. 

REALLY IS THIS MY LIFE. I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THIS LIFE. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hi adamsdad, my daughter dominique died 12/21/17, not quite 2 months,  car accident at 18 years old.  I understand the difference between you and your wife: my husband of 12 years is grieving quite differently than I am.  I know he loved her in his own way,  but not like I love her.  He knows I am hurting and tries to help as much as he can.  I have small moments of happiness,  much of my day is just going through the motions,  sometimes angry,  cry most days once or twice a day. It is not all encompassing pain all day,  the pain comes in bursts.  So sorry we have all met this way.  I joined compassionate friends and go twice a month to their meeting as well. Just trying to get support wherever I can.

 

Hugs, 

Virginia,  Dominique mom

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Everyone needs to bear in mind that we all grieve differently. Although there are 5 official stages to grief which are denial, anger,bargaining,depression and acceptance it is a whole lot more complicated than that, Some people miss out a stage or two and then go back or stay at the same level for a time. There is no "normal"you just have to kinda roll with it and try and make sense of what is happening around you at that time and do the best with what you have. My ex husband got the news that our son had been killed and carried on and went to work. He took no time off.  He did not tell anyone and to this day I am not sure he has. That is his way he is very emotionally repressed anyway and has a very logical mind so does not show emotions. I am very much more in touch with my feelings and have cried several oceans of tears over the last 2 or so years, yet there are times when I still feel numb and empty and tearless. It can be different from day to day. Some people just cannot cry because they are in such shock and disbelief but there comes a time when that wall comes down and it just hits you. None of you newbies are wrong or crazy or in denial you are just grieving. It is so sad to have so many new parents all at once but by having the courage to share and being able to bond with other parents is very positive. Being understood is powerful, having some of your fears allayed is priceless and knowing you are not alone and others have your back is a huge gift.

donnac we welcome you to our group although to qualify you have to have been through the same terrible ordeal. Share what you can when you can with us and talk about your daughter. Reaching out for help is difficult because talking about what happened is so traumatic and upsetting and you feel so vulnerable and lost. I was fortunate to have had mental health support that is ongoing andI had an amazing bereavement counsellor that I saw for a year who really helped me to go into detail what happened and make some peace with each part. Sometimes it is too soon after the event to be helpful because you are still a little in denial and also not ready mentally to take onboard what is said. I say any help you can get go for it you have nothing to lose, but also keep in mind that the real benefits of therapy may come later on.

tina yep I have been at that stage many times, "I don't want this life, I must be being punished for something I did even though I don't think I did anything, why can I not catch a break? I am a kind person who goes out of her way to help anyone so I don't get why I am being pounded financially, and emotionally. Why me? What next?" Yes I know that dialogue very well. I guess there probably is not an answer except bad things happen to good people too. I am an atheist now so do not go for the "God won't give me more than I can handle" stuff but if you have faith you need to trust your journey .

one thing I do know is that we meet people for a reason,  they come into our lives at a time that is difficult and help to hold our hand. You were all directed to this site and this thread as we were, whatever your beliefs we can help each other.

1c7eca55d2e51bbe29dbc3bb7a833dd7.jpg.62e5b0712f94c783e5900e01c8888f78.jpg

2570ba845664ef1af4c87dd19a6e2efd.jpg.1a0cf1947d242178736e07739e2bd118.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Tinay, I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. After she first passed away I frantically read and re-read all of our texts and messages. Watched any recent videos I could as well. I think at that time I was grasping on to some hope this wasn't real. I've now saved them and may look at them again but no time soon.

I also know that feeling is this real life? I literally had a melt down last night and said the same thing for almost 2 hours. 

I can tell you everything you are doing we have done the same. I don't know when or of this gets easier. My daughter has been gone almost 2 months it will be the 17th. For me the 17th sickens me. 

I hope that in this group you will get some benefit. There are other members that have lost children years ago and tell us we can make it..it feels impossible at first but it will happen. That's what I cling to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
hearthurt1013

I just tuned in to Foxnews and found out about the horrific shooting in Florida. I am so sick of these thugs killing our police, kids and others and then hearing excuse after excuse. These jerks need not just incarceration but also be made to read the posts all of us make on this site about how it feels to lose a child or any loved one. Let us all take a moment to raise up all  our children and loved ones in prayer. The world has changed so much since I was born in 1961 and it is just so dangerous now. Time was we didn't have to lock our doors during the day time and we could go outside without fearing that one takes his life hands just because we want to step outside for a breath of fresh air. SO sad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Oh Lord in Heaven, it was 10 years ago that my niece was in the lecture hall at Northern Illinois University when a shooter began to shoot up the room she got out, she and her two friends, but about 7 did not, and her life has been forever changed from that horrid time. Today they were all at a memorial for the victims...and now another shooting at a school. And here I am at a school, and wonder what the Hell is going on my friends, how is this a possibility over and over again? Guns, disaccociated persons, holidays like Valentines day to upset those most lonely or disconnected...oh Lord...how can I help any kids who are feeling less than others to rise up in healthy ways, to help their families learn to get them help...this senseless horrendous way to lose a CHILD is unforgivable.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
hearthurt1013

I understand that bullying is a real problem and between the mental health issues and the opiate addiction we face as a country, it is no wonder that the country is in the horrible shape it is in. On the other hand, I have to look at the parents who raise these predators that shooting is the answer. When I was growing up and if I had a "beef" with a fellow student, we would have an old fashioned fist fight off school grounds after school and that was it. None of us ever thought to bring guns or knives to school, nor did we ever think to take out teachers and students en masse. This is a most disgusting way for all of us to live. We are so worried about the shooter's rights....what about our children and ourselves? I am beginning to believe that these evil people's rights are more important than ours and ours are up for grabs. Is it no wonder that my wife and I don't like leaving home for very long and would much rather be home than anywhere else?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

16 dead now.  Oh those poor parents. My heart is breaking for them.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I'm sick just seeing this. I'm Canadian and I actually don't have television and haven't really been online so this is the first I'm seeing if this. 8 shootings since 2018!! It's only 8 weeks into the year. What a scary world we live in :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.