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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Susan, I am so glad that you were able to sit in the office for more than 10 minutes. Healing is slow but oh so good. I wish you more healing each day, a bit each day that is noticeable and knowing you, very much appreciated. Peace to you Susan, peace and healing.

Margee, your worse day so far, I am so sorry, but those will happen and there will likely be some more of those. Remember, the reason grief is life-long is because our love for our Children is life-long. It will not hurt like this forever, it will be a piece of you eventually, it becomes a piece of your every-day...as an example, I speak with my Daughter each night as I drift to sleep, and if I wake in the night, I talk with her again, just asking her to help me do my best...I often speak a few times a day to her during my walks...so you see, these are not sad times but rather, happy moments to spend with my Girl when I most want to talk to her. I think that this sounds more crazy than it really is, but suffice it to say that I take Erica along with me quite naturally each day and I am grateful to feel her in my heart all of the time.

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hearthurt1013

As far as the deep grief goes, it IS indeed there, but I am still in shock. I have been blaming myself for my son leaving us and my failure to protect him. I cannot accept that there was nothing I could have done. In my head, I know that is the case, but in my heart, it is a different story. Dee, that is not crazy since I do the same thing. I talk to Bily all the time, when I walk to the grocery store or when I am alone. I have told my wife that the kids should be burying us, not the other way around. It is very easy for anyone to say, it isn't fair. Well, one of the things I have always taught our kids was, life is seldom fair and while I know it sounds cliche, it is true. One of the things I fear most is that I am slowly but surely losing my mind and that I will wind up in the giggling academy. I also fear that I am hurting my marriage as a self-fulfilling prophecy and I am blaming my wife for my hideous mood. What is really weird is that when I am working or going through documents that require my attention, I am fine. It is when I am shaving and I look myself in the mirror, I see the sadness and grief over this situation. I do my level best to be thankful that I have another day. Another strange thing for me is the feeling that he is now with the great minds and thinkers like Voltaire, Shakespeare, Beethoven, Mozart, etc. I am almost jealous. No...I am not thinking about taking myself out or harming myself. I can intellectualize this until I am green in the face. It reminds me of a scene from M*A*S*H when BJ started to drink heavily after Radar went home and Hawkeye told him that the booze may get him drunk, but it won't get him home. I think my anger and work are the same thing. I can pour myself into my work and allow myself to be consumed with the hurt, anger and  rage, however, it is almost self-defeating because my sleep is horrible, my appetite is way off and I feel like I am out of control. Thanks for reading this diatribe.

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I'm so glad I found this site. Ian has been gone 10 months today. I slipped into his favorite shirt last night and snuggled in to watch the Olympics. It makes me feel like he is giving me me a big hug (he was well known for his hugs).  I read all the posts and my heart just breaks but at the same time I feel hope.  This morning I remember a moment back in November. Ian and I traveled a lot together and in 2015 we spent 2 glorious weeks in Australia and New Zealand. We had the time of our lives!  We had Ian cremated and I vowed to continue our travels and leave a bit of him in special places. I went to Strawberry Fields, in Central Park, in November and found a special tree and scattered some ashes. I was walking away and my phone was in my coat I pocket. I heard my phone take a picture and pulled it out to see it snapped a picture of my screen saver-a picture of the two of us in New Zealand.  It was a brief moment of joy!  It helps me temendously to hold on to those moments.  Through all my tears and sadness, those brief moments give me hope. I could hear Ian saying "Mothership, that was cool and I love ya." They are so refreshing in a sea of grief.  I wanted to share that to perhaps give others hope. Not much makes me feel good these days but I cling to moments like that.  I'm fearful of getting to year one. I read someplace that often times the 2nd year can be harder.... I cannot imagine but I kind of understand. Someone posted earlier about still thinking their son was going to walk through the door-I agree. Is that my mind protecting itself? Anyone have any suggestions on how to best "manage" the impending "day" when the world as you knew it, ceased to exist? Thanks for listening and blessings to all! 

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TearsInHeaven

Lou, so much of what you said brings me back to places I was when I lost Michael.  Why couldn't I protect him, why wasn't it me? I looked at my husband and those same thoughts were going through his mind.  Our relationship changed, not that it is bad but we used to be so in touch, finish each other's thought kind of couple. Total opposites that attract.  Now a lot of times we are two negatively charged atoms that cannot come together.  Don't get me wrong, we are there for each other and this marriage has withstood a lot in 45 years BUT NEVER THE DEATH OF A CHILD. Only two people in the world knew what it was like to love Michael as a son.... that was us. his sister was the only one that knew what it was like to love him as a brother.  But grief is an ugly, ugly intruder especially in the beginning. I, too, worked right from the beginning of my loss and like you I worked from home.  I had conference and projects and a lot of responsibility.  Yet, no one was around to see how many times I cried...from tears flowing to wails....  If I had not made that change in positions I am not sure I could have gone back to a hospital setting and working on the floor with patients. A year after our loss, my daughter and her family moved across the country taking our little granddaughter...the only grandchild we would ever have.  My husband retired and now I find myself without future contracts so I guess I am retired also.  Point is somehow, someway we have survived. We will never "get over" our loss.  This loss is a forever sadness we will carry with us. Yes, our son and daughter should have mourned us...that is the way it is supposed to be. Someway this loss becomes incorporated into you.  You never accept it, you never get over it but you learn your new normal, one you would have found unimaginable only a short time ago.  Sometimes a parent doesn't even have the other parent's love and support and grieve alone.  Don't let anger tear apart the only two people who share the loss of Billy.

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TearsInHeaven

Mothership,  Ian was walking through Central Park right along with you. Signs like that keep our hearts beating and a glimmer of light somewhere out there for us.

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I had a moment yesterday.  7 years ago I told my daughter her stepdad and I got married (she was having trouble accepting him even though we had already been together for 5 years,  thought it would help her to "know" we were married). So,  my daughter Dominique died  7 weeks ago.  Christopher and I decided to legalize everything,  so yesterday we went to the recorders office with our 4 year old son (her half brother). The clerks name was Dominique! I have only met one other Dominique my entire life,  not a common name.  Made me feel as if my daughter was there with us,  saying she loves is.  Her name is on our marriage license.  I almost burst into tears when the clerk told me his name.  I love my daughter and live for those small moments. 

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TearsInHeaven

NiquesMom, she certainly was there for you not only telling you guys she loves you but showing you her approval that you deserve happiness.  I am such a believer in signs and have been fortunate enough to have a few.

signs.jpg.dfedb2e04920e17a20def3f8008802b5.jpg

 

Susan, glad to hear your health is going in the right direction.  Continuing prayers for your recovery.

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niquesmom Yes!! That is a definite sign from your precious daughter giving her approval and showing you she is still with you. What a lovely memory on a special day treasure that. Signs are infrequent and in a variety of ways but we like to share them with each other because we all know it is not wishful thinking or coincidence it is a message.

lou I hear anger and frustration in you too and that is traumatic to your health. Please look at helpful ways to get it out. In time you and your wife should be able to come together and not be ships in the night passing each other. susan's suggestion of a treadmill is a good idea, or going to the gym or boxing, something that allows you to express that fury positively without having to verbally engage with anyone. Keeping feeligs and thoughts inside and biting your lip to keep your views in when you want to scream aloud is very difficult. On this forum we get it let yourself go we understand as others cannot.

rebekahs mom i hope you get some answers from the toxicology report. Very few of us really know the exact sequence of events leading upto the loss of our child and at first that just rips you up inside. Later on you come to realise what happened is not really that important the loss and learning how to live with that is more important. I was crazed in getting all the information I could, speaking to the friends who were there the police the ER doctor who worked on Tommy, I think that desperate fact finding is very natural. If it was drugs she would have slipped away into oblivion peacefully and not known what was happening. The tattoo is gorgeous really well done. portraits are difficult to reproduce but your daughter's personality comes through clearly.

margarett I know you too are looking for answers in your son's notes and hopefully you will. As a former nurse myself I totally understand you wanting to see potential life saving operations on P.E's. I wanted to read my son's autopsy report and police reports which I got a few months later. I was unable to get the ER notes which perhaps is a good thing, but the doctor at the time told me that he was sure my son had a severe brain injury at the very least and would not have known very much. He was correct, Tommy had 2 brain injuries along with the other multiple injuries, two of which could have been the fatal one, also. So the actual injury that was the fatal one could not be distinguished. At least he could not possibly have been saved and I know the staff would have done their very best and been very upset to lose a 24yr old in the prime of life. Tommy was so active and full of life he would not have coped with the disabilities he would have suffered as a result of the fall and the very long rehabilitation should he have survived, so I am relieved now that was the outcome. It has taken me a very long time to get to that point of acceptance but I finally did.

sherry I am so glad that times have changed and you were able to get more support after David which you did not get after baby Lisa. We are indeed fortunate to be able to easily connect with others in different states and countries and time zones and find comfort and assistance, and understanding the true horror of losing a child. Your perspective of the differences between 1970, 2003 and now. It has opened up a new type of free talking therapy for all of us which is invaluable. I thank everyone for sharing their stories and their painful individual journey.

susan glad you are doing ok, yes you do need to keep up your weight and strength take care. so sorry i forgot your name after all this time my memory really lets me down. I also have a little notebook that I write everyone's name in to boost my memory but it is at my home and I am with my parents recuperating so please forgive my lapses with names etc. I love the screen shots, Tim Lawrence has great insight doesn't he?

samantha you are doing ok I promise I know it feels like you have lost your mind but you have all of us here to help you ok?

dianne and dee your posts are always spot on thanks.

mothership leaving some ashes in special places is a lovely idea. We all do what feels right for us and following your heart is the right way. Tommy's friends and "family" in Hawaii held a special service for him in Hawaii where he lived and then floated several leii;s out to sea in his memory before he was flown back to the UK to us.

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Wow, Mothership and Niquee's Mom, such wonderful signs, and yes Mothership, that is hope you are sensing. I remember using the word HOPE early on here and a parent being offended by my use of such a word while grieving, but hope is everything! HOPE is everything. And our Children are filled with HOPE and they hope for us all the time. I love that your phone snapped at that moment in Central Park, and Nique's Mom, I love that Dominique is on your Marriage License, no better signs than these. Fabulous. Thank you for sharing your HOPE.

 

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

THANKS ERICASMOM, TEARSINHEVAVEN, SHORTY16, & ALL THE OTHERS WHO WROTE. YOU ALL ARE SUCH A GREAT SUPORT. U ALL GIVE ME HOPE, YOUR WORDS HAVE HELPED ME GET TO THE NEXT DAY. I APOLOGIZE TO THOSE OF YOU WHO I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO REPLY TO. I JUST DON'T  KNOW WHAT TO SAY. I HAVE NO ADVICE TO GIVE CAUSE I AM SO NEW TO THIS KIND OF PAIN. I STILL HURT EVERY MINUTE OF EACH DAY. ITS TO BAD OUR LIFES HAD TO CHANGE IN THIS WAY. I FEEL THE PAIN OF EACH OF US & I WISH I CAN DO SOMETHING TO HELP TAKE IT ALL AWAY. REBEKASMOM, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL GIRL & EXCELLENT ART WORK. THANK YOU & I AM HERE FOR U AS WELL.   

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Hope is indeed everything Dee. When I first found this site it was about all that I was able to cling too. The hope that this horrible nightmare would somehow be understood by others that were walking the same path. I loved what Susan said in an earlier post about Mother Nature and Father Time. Oh, so true! The loss always remains and the ache. Yet with patience and hard work we start to lift ourselves up and begin to find a new path towards living life with happiness again. It will be forever changed...however it will still enter our lives again... IF we allow it. 

I am so sorry to see so many new people... but I am glad that you are able to reach out as we did to find that understanding and comfort. You never have to go through this alone. Hope is what it is all about. We hope for a better day. We hope that we will see our child again. If I did not have hope I honestly do not think I could have survived this loss. Those that are further along discuss their daily lives to give hope that one day even the little interests we once had will once again be of some importance. Life continues even after such a tragic loss. And it does take shape again...but it takes time.

I am sending wishes to everyone for improved health if you are suffering from illness. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love to All, Kate :) 

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peggy a sad mom
On 2/9/2018 at 3:19 PM, daveydow1 said:

HELLO   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.  I'M  SO SORRY FOR ALL THE NEW PARENTS

WHO HAVE COME TO THIS SITE.  MY HEART GOES OUT TO ALL OF YOU.

Rebekahsmom-----So sorry for your recent loss of your dear daughter, Rebekah.

You are welcome to this site.  Please come back, and read/post as you feel you

want to.  We don't have 'rules' for reading, posting , or how often one needs to

take a step back......read only,...or posting.  It is all voluntary.  We're here to

understand.

LouAnn------I'm glad that you found BI last year.  I think that no matter when a

parent who is in the devastation of losing a child finds their way here, that it

will help to know there are others who understand.  When my baby, Lisa, died at

age 6 months in 1970,.....of course there was no internet , and  no resources for

much help for grief.  At that time, I just had to go it mostly alone,.....I had two

other young children depending on me;   and soon, I was expecting my dear David.

Now they are both gone.  The thing that I found ( after David's death) was that

 I had many doubts about getting any meaningful help from a site like BI..

But I did find help and comfort from those who had been on this site when I came

on.....months after only reading.   

Niquesmom-----I went back to work after only a couple weeks after David passed.

For me,.....it was too soon, but I was being pressured by management to return, so I did.  It was pretty

difficult at first, because it was the type of job where I had to have steady interaction

with the public I did my crying in the car, on the way home.  It did get easier as time went by.

Dee------Snow here.....they've cancelled school a couple days in the past week or so.

Warm-up is coming.  It will be nice not to plow/shovel snow for awhile.:mellow:

 

Dianne-----I agree. When one is in a deep dark place in the grief road,  an understanding

shoulder to cry on is a comfort.  While the pain and sorrow will always be there,  it does

help to have others who get it.

Peggy------I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Ron.  You are welcome here at this

site.  Please come back whenever you want to.  No pressure here about posting/reading

on the site.  Everyone here is joined by the loss of a child/children.  There is understanding

here that one is sometimes not able to find elsewhere.  Peace to you.

Sholl1955----I so, remember the Blizzard of 1978.  That is the year my daughter was born....

just before the blizzard set in.  She had to be transported to a special children's hospital for

a critical health problem.  I remember seeing on the news that all of our neighbors in Indiana,

Illinois, and other states in the midwest had the same extreme conditions.  Here in Ohio,  in the Cleveland

area, there were 10,000 cars abandoned on the area freeways.... the people being rescued by

police, firemen, and National Guard.  Wow...what a winter.  :o

Lesley-----thanks for the screen shots.  I especially like the one saying   "Someday I'll Meet

You on The Other Side". 

  

WISHING   ALL   INDIGOS   PEACE   AND COMFORT.

 

Davey&Lisasmom------Sherry  

 

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samantha the fact you felt strong enough to find us and are posting is great. especially as losing your son is still so fresh. Give advice if you have any or tell us something that has worked for you or touched you. Or just more about your family and of course your son. At the beginning you just want it all to go away, to hide yourself and lick your wounds and not have to explain or justify yourself to anyone. Relationships become fragile as you may both be on different paths and feelings get misinterpreted and hurt. Not every family is lucky enough to agree on all the details of services, burials,cremations, gravesites etc etc often people have very different ideas and it becomes a tough compromise. Some people shut down and cannot participate in any of it because they are holding on by a thread, others have very strong opinions and show more of the anger side. If there are ex partners also in the mix that muddies the water even more, I speak from experience on that one. My 3 adult children were all very different in their coping in the early days. Oldest daughter was enraged and angry with absolutely everyone for months ,even me, my middle daughter cried but could not cope with making arrangements for her brother's service  and later spreading of the ashes choosing to stand well away and observe and my youngest son was incredible for his young years he was 19 and finishing his second high school after moving down to live with me. he was by far the most understanding and dealt admirably with his angry father who kept whipping up storms with the girls which were unecessary. Now they feel fairly similarly and all have some sad times, but support each other. They have more anxiety than they had before and the sadness and regrets are mentioned a little more but not much is said sometimes the feelings run too deep to be verbalised. the grief is still there in them all. My son has managed to get 4 counselling sessions which I hope help him and make him realise that sharing is not being weak it is making him stronger for the future. The girls just work hard and push it down until it bubbles up and they will have a cry then pushed away again. It takes time my friends and cannot be rushed, you will get to be where you want to be when it is the right time for you.

dee yes hope is a lovely word. It means there is a way towards the light and life again, it means things will not always be so dark and hopeless, it means a change in attitude a new start, a new day after a weepy night. Without hope life is very bleak and cold.

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My girl is in heaven

One thing I thought of for all you newbies is this.  When ever I thought about taking a step forward or moving ahead a little I always thought that meant I was leaving my daughter behind. But I don’t . I try to leave that day behind as much as I can.  But when I think about my boys carrying on with thier lives, when I went to my sons graduation, even if I’m just house cleaning, my Kira is there with me. I can picture her in my mind and I feel her in my heart.  She has a gold thread tied on the end of her finger that reaches down to my finger here on earth and she pulls me thru each day.  So you never leave your child behind when a bit of light starts poking thru in your life.  We couldn’t leave them behind even if we wanted to. 

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louann you are absolutely correct, we never leave our spirit children behind, they are safely tucked into our hearts and memories. They also walk beside us every day they are only gone from view in this world. I know one of the major struggles you have had is the PTSD dragging you back time and time again into that black hole, making you afraid to move forward because of guilt and fear and because grief was so familiar. You have come a long way. Instead of thinking you are one day closer to Kira you seem to have begun to accept that living and enjoying and making new memories is ok and that is what your precious girl wants. It takes great strength to stand upto grief and allow yourself to move on. Those in the first year will eventually get to this stage it usually begins in the second or third year. It is impossible to  hurry grieving but one day you too will throw off that burden, begin to accept that nothing can change what happened, and that guilt and fear need to be cast off in order to heal. We all aspire to when we can celebrate our children with smiles and be able to honour their memory in positive ways and not stay trapped in the past.

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Hello my friends,

I had a difficult day yesterday and came here to talk to my friends.

We went to a funeral of a 78 year old man.  He is the grandfather of our son Aaron's gf.  While I understand the sadness, I really wanted to stand up and say "Why are you not celebrating a life..some never make it this long.  We should be happy"

I do realize laughing at a funeral is frowned upon, but WHY.

Death is different now.  I want to be happy for people who live to an old age.  We were robbed of so many years.  He died at 16.

Am I going crazy

 

Colleen Brian's Mom forever

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Colleen, I understand your thoughts as to celebrating a life well lived.  I honestly do not think that it is easy at any age to lose someone that we have come to love and that has played an important part in our lives. Our interaction has been cut short and we miss the connection. Whether they be ten or a hundred. I truly loved it when funerals took a turn years ago. The idea of a Celebration of Life really appeals to me. Recalling the good times and happier moments of that persons life is essential to a healthier way of coping with their loss. We held a Celebration of Life for Jeff. It was far from the normal by traditional standards. I planned his memorial for a few months. We decided to hold it in the summer at his birthday time. A time where we could all gather in a beautiful place overlooking the water and really enjoy our memories of him. No doom and gloom for us. There was music, great food, and wonderful stories shared. Many I had never heard before. It did our heart good to see him so fondly thought of. There was a sadness in his loss... but also a sense of happiness that he had been a part of their lives. He touched many in such a good way. 

One of the nicest and finest men I have ever know was a man that lived to his late nineties. He had the right idea about his approach to life. Don't sweat the small stuff. And he didn't. He told me one time that the hardest part of living to is age was the fact that most of his good friends were now gone. He missed them terribly. He had the ability to live each day as it came and take the good as it was presented to him. His funeral was more traditional and yet there really was no sadness. There was the understanding that he had lived a long and very full life. It was simply his time to go. 

The age old question as to why a young person is called will never be answered in our life. How we wish we knew the answer to that. I can only HOPE that as they were taken at such a young age they had completed whatever they needed to do and were called back to a wonderful place. While we are still here living with the trials and tribulations of this life they have been given freedom to enjoy a wonderful existence that we can't begin to imagine. I'm sure their hope for us to gather ourselves together and let the anger and sadness go as they watch how we are dealing with their loss. They would most definitely want us to be happy as we want that for them. Love is like that isn't it? It never dies.  

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peggy a sad mom

i hope my messages are going to you guys cause i'm still a little confused about using this page. i hurt so much for all of you cause i know the pain. yesterday was 3 weeks for me and it just hurts so much. everyone tries to get me to go out with them somewhere any where. they don't get that i don't want to. i had to go back to work after 2 weeks so right now every day i can't wait to go home go in his room talk to him cry and scream. i don't know when this will stop or if it ever will. but i guess if this is my life it's my life nothing i can do. i'm doing the best i can. they tell me i'm gonna have a heart attack and i say so!! they don't get it. if i can do anything to stop feeling like this i swear i would and i know you all feel the same

peggy ron's mother

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Peggy, tell your well-meaning friends/family, that you have no desire to go anywhere but home right now...that being alone is best right now, that you appreciate all they are trying to do, but right now it is too soon for you. Ask them to check in on you with texts and that you will return texts a few times per week, but right now what you need is time to grieve and that grief is something that needs to be tended. WE get it...

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Peggy, hold on with both hands. This is a terrible period you are facing. You are still in shock and the raw pain of your loss is still unbelievable. What you are experiencing is perfectly normal. You honestly have not had time to really adjust to what has happened. People are only trying to help in the only way they know how. They do not really understand... but are acting out of the kindness of their hearts. You need time to cocoon and find a private space to just breathe. Tell them this in a kind way. That you appreciate their concern but you need to be alone for this period to try to sort out what has happened. I can guarantee you that this pain you are feeling will one day soften to a dull ache. We have all gone through this. It takes time and patience. Find comfort in whatever way you can by reading books on grieving, attending a group therapy... or one on one session. Let your heart slowly lead the way. Don't be forced into doing what others feel is best for you. When you want to get more involved just let them know. It will get easier... but not just yet.  We are here for you.

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Hi all. I've been reading mostly. Same feelings every day. Nothing changes. I'm ok. Hanging in there. I don't talk like I used to. I try not to think about my Kiona being gone. Brings tears to my eyes Everytime. Grayson is doing better. He has had back and leg pain for a couple of years. Thought maybe it was growing pains. He is 17. His dad took him to the doctor, a different one than normal. They are doing a MRI on the 15th and results and where to go from there on the 19th. They think he might have a tethered spine. I keep thinking, I hope that's the answer because it's an answer. I don't look forward to surgery if that's the route we have to take. 

I had a friend, might have been someone who I could have gotten close to, tell me I sleep too much. I've tried telling him I've always been that way and that I didn't sleep at all in the beginning but have been getting sleep lately. Though it's not a restful sleep. I think back to how I slept before kiona's passing. I am not sleeping anymore than I did. I'm actually getting less sleep. I told him I don't have the time or patience to argue my sleeping habits with him. We haven't talked much since. I guess that's for the best. I'm not a trusting person after everything I've been through the past few years. 

Anyway, I'm rambling. I am sorry for everyone's loss. Im... really don't have any words to express my emotions. I just don't think about it, or at least try not to. I still go through the events of that horrific Tuesday morning. I don't think I ever will stop. 

I haven't heard from the states attorney as to if they completed their requirements set by the judge. January 25th was the 9 month mark for them. I'm assuming they have. I'm still thinking about the wrongful death suit. Just slow going especially when I can't make up my mind whether I have a chance at all. 

I'm out doing laundry, I'll try and post more later

Peace and love to all

Tina

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TearsInHeaven

Peggy,  you are doing okay and what you need to do.  It is okay to want to be by yourself because your head and your heart are trying to process everything and that takes a while.  Focus on you first.  Not sure where you are from....don't know if the weather is conducive.... but I know I spent a lot of time, or at least as much as I could outside.  I became a real sky watcher when I spoke to my son.  It helped me with that connection. Hold on, Peggy. It is a tough time for sure.

Luanne, my goodness you have come so far and I know that Kira is so happy to see her mom moving towards  some peace.  By the way, I need a new hockey team....I think the Blackhawk season might as well be over. Image result for sad emoji

Dee, we have had 20" of snow since Thursday night through this morning....and it looks like the town snowplow slept in today. My daughter and granddaughter are coming for a quick visit for a couple of days. Hoping Midway doesn't get any more snow! I don't think we have had this much snow since 2010 or 2011 (cannot remember the year). My team and I had to spend the night in the hospital that we were bringing live on their EMR.  We could not get out and management didn't want anyone to leave because they probably couldn't make it back.  We slept on cots in whatever alcoves we could find. Felt sorry for the nursing staff as many of them had been on duty for 24 hours +.  

Sleep is a difficult commodity in grief.  My suggestion is to take it when you can because there are so many nights that the mind is not willing to let you rest.

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colleen I dont think you are crazy we all know that part of the pain of losing someone young because they did not even hit their prime, go to prom, graduate,get married, have kids the list of "Nevers "goes on and on. At least losing someone elderly is more the way Nature intended and although they are still deeply missed they had a whole life. I guess it is a personal decision as to whether to mourn or celebrate. I admire those who can, that takes guts. I know I could not even begin to celebrate Tommy's life when we lost him we were all too devastated. Our world shattered. However whatever and however each family choose that is the right way for them and that is ok. Each year that passes a little of that pain recedes and in time maybe more families will be able to hold a celebration of that special life.

tina glad your Grayson is doing better and a formal diagnosis can be made so treatment can be started. Sorry your friend was less than understanding that sleep is precious to us because it is often elusive or interrupted by nightmares. It is also tempting to try and sleep away all free time so you dont have to think feel or interact with anyone, but you do what you need to do, you are an adult.

peggy yes your posts are here no problem. people who ask you to go out with them are well meaning they believe that with distractions you will do better. We know that is not true it is way too early yet for you. Trust me you will know when you can handle going out, you are the best judge of you. be aware that sadly some people will leave the friend circle after a while because they do not understand child loss and lose patience. That is ok not everyone will stay with you on your journey but we all will, be sure of that ok?

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peggy a sad mom

thanks everyone it's just that i'm not trying to push them away but they don't understand it's true only we do. i'm from new york and right now i don't have the option of going outside. i do go for walk's but i cry all the way. but when i get back i shower and go to bed. og god i never thought this would be me and never thought i would be meeting all of you

 

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Peg, we know you are not being mean to push away, we isolate when in grief, it is nature's way for humans to need this time and quiet and no more conversation for a while, it is all too much over stimulation for our brains/spirits/hearts to have to keep up with friends/family. Tell your friends that you will check in with them but to trust your instincts right now. If they ask what can they do, give them a list of chores because it is a good way to keep your friends feeling like they are involved. Grocery shopping, laundry, errands that need to be done...in the meantime, carve out a place in your home that feels like it is safe and special to your needs. Surround yourself with good soft blankets, good music, soft light and be gentle to you.

Colleen, I have been to many funerals in the 14 years since Erica died, and I am always grateful when it is for someone that reached 70 or more...but they were integral to the lives they left, so mourning is natural, folks can't feel as we do due to not having lost someone so young as us. I do love when we do go to a service that is more like a ceremony, but those don't happen often. I wish you well.

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Peggy--today is 8 weeks for me since my life turned upside down. I have good days and bad. I completely understand not wanting to talk to anyone and just staying in silence. Your family and friends are there for you when you are ready. 

I am a bit better than where I was mentally at 3 weeks in if that helps any. I realize everyone has their own unique grief and response to it.

I'm here any time you would like to chat. 

I don't sleep well still struggling with that.

 

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peggy a sad mom

i do spend a lot of time in my room after work of coarse that's the only place i feel there are not so many memories. i do watch tv as long as i could concentrate. as far as my family and friends go we will see what happens. thinking of you all as much as possible

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peggy a sad mom

it's good to know maybe just maybe in 5 more weeks i will be able to accept them. i hope more for their sake cause i know they all miss my son too and they are feeling a little lost without him. my brother is taking it the hardest i want to help him i just can't right now

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Tina, you are in that strange space of not knowing which way the courts will do and you are approaching the one year which throws a whole new curve ball. I am glad that Grayson is doing better and hope that the MRI shows nothing too difficult to deal with. Prayers.

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Peggy, I lost my daughter 7 weeks ago, I didn't want to go anywhere,  see people happy and living their lives.  Now,  i can go to the store and usually make it through without crying.  I take my son outside to play, once or twice a week.  I feel terrible when I have a sliver of happiness,  playing with my son,  but I do have moments of happiness.  It comes and goes,  I cry every day,  but it is less frequent now.  Once or twice a day,  usually when I start talking to her. This sucks.  I had plans for my death,  how she would survive without me.  I didn't have a plan for her leaving me. Hang in there

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peggy a sad mom

Thank you so much. I just cry and cry. I'm sure when I do smile I will also feel guilty. Yes I hate when I hear someone laugh. I just block myself off from them. Thank you again Peggy I'm thinking of you

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For all Newbies: When you find your first smile, genuine and full, and your first laugh, remember that you are smiling for two, you are laughing for two, those Babies who left early, are hoping like crazy that you will laugh again, smile and take in conversations and events again, all in your own time. No guilt for happiness, ask yourself what you would hope for them had the reverse happened... that they laugh again. To our hearts no better sound than our Child's laugh, but I believe this is true  our Children as well.

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I like what you said..as a family we are trying to establish ourselves....the other children are 10, 11, 16, 18....we are remembering good times and laughing. I have guilt but like to look at your statement she's laughing with us. We got her puppy shipped home ironically on the day of her wake. Hes a Great distraction.

 

 

My beautiful girl....gone far too soon.

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A beautiful Woman, a Cherished Child.She must be so proud of the ways you are trying to pull together...I am so glad that you all join in and talk about her and remember.

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Thank you...it's the reason I keep going 

She has 4 other siblings and my hubs.

This is by far the hardest I've ever had to do.

Please tell me it get easier.

Sarah xoxo

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA
On 2/10/2018 at 7:46 PM, Tommy's mum said:

samantha the fact you felt strong enough to find us and are posting is great. especially as losing your son is still so fresh. Give advice if you have any or tell us something that has worked for you or touched you. Or just more about your family and of course your son. At the beginning you just want it all to go away, to hide yourself and lick your wounds and not have to explain or justify yourself to anyone. Relationships become fragile as you may both be on different paths and feelings get misinterpreted and hurt. Not every family is lucky enough to agree on all the details of services, burials,cremations, gravesites etc etc often people have very different ideas and it becomes a tough compromise. Some people shut down and cannot participate in any of it because they are holding on by a thread, others have very strong opinions and show more of the anger side. If there are ex partners also in the mix that muddies the water even more, I speak from experience on that one. My 3 adult children were all very different in their coping in the early days. Oldest daughter was enraged and angry with absolutely everyone for months ,even me, my middle daughter cried but could not cope with making arrangements for her brother's service  and later spreading of the ashes choosing to stand well away and observe and my youngest son was incredible for his young years he was 19 and finishing his second high school after moving down to live with me. he was by far the most understanding and dealt admirably with his angry father who kept whipping up storms with the girls which were unecessary. Now they feel fairly similarly and all have some sad times, but support each other. They have more anxiety than they had before and the sadness and regrets are mentioned a little more but not much is said sometimes the feelings run too deep to be verbalised. the grief is still there in them all. My son has managed to get 4 counselling sessions which I hope help him and make him realise that sharing is not being weak it is making him stronger for the future. The girls just work hard and push it down until it bubbles up and they will have a cry then pushed away again. It takes time my friends and cannot be rushed, you will get to be where you want to be when it is the right time for you.

dee yes hope is a lovely word. It means there is a way towards the light and life again, it means things will not always be so dark and hopeless, it means a change in attitude a new start, a new day after a weepy night. Without hope life is very bleak and cold.

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Thanks Tommy's mum

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The other day, I hated Tuesday's.....now I hate Sunday's.   Another day when I ALWAYS saw Jason..... usually for dinner, and then he and Mike would watch their TV shows.... The Walking Dead and whatever.  I have never watched a lot of science fiction or zombies....those 2 LOVED them.  I would watch GAME OF THRONES because I read the books.....I would turn away, like a child, and not watch the gory parts.   I always cooked a lot of food, and Jason would fix take home for his lunches or dinners during the week.  He would clean all the left overs out of the fridge, and then request ' next Sunday's dinner.'   He always walked in with a bag full of plastic containers.  Once he asked for me to make him a fresh apple cake for him to take to work for the guys.... he would stop at Starbucks and get a couple of the large boxes of coffee, cups, condiments, and told me the cake would be completely gone with their first break.  And then he would tell me " Mom, all the guys want to marry you if you are ever without a husband." He worked in construction.... mostly the high,  high, highway bridges.  And around Dallas/Ft Worth, there was always a lot of work.  Jason was 6'4" and was very muscular....strong and health conscious.  He loved going to the gym most days and worked out.  Some day I will be able to talk about the past couple of years and his struggles with a work related shoulder injury/surgery.  I will be able to tell of how he helped me design and build my deck and flower beds a long my entire fence in the back yard.  We spent HOURS together doing this...rocking out to his music the entire time.  I will tell you about him getting mixed up with a girl on heroin.   I will talk about my suspicions of his drug use ( which he never admitted to me).  I will tell you about how he stayed in Kansas after high school and I moved to Texas.   How he came and lived with Mike and I for nearly a year , 5 years ago. How we used to go shopping and attempt to find size 30-36 jeans.  You hear about people who "march to a different drummer?"  My Jason marched to a full orchestra/symphony.  Compared to his twin sister and younger brother, Jason was the child who was the deepest thinker.... could be the most loving generous person on this earth and , then , could also be a jerk.   

I do not know what is going on in my brain or my heart....thank you all for being here.  XXOO   Margarett 

 

 

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Margee, you are learning to unwind the ball of yarn, to let it out in fits and starts, to share your stories. Keep sharing, they paint a picture, and even this early on, your words share the poignancy and joy that is our lives and losses.

 

Sarah, Yes, I do promise that one day it will be less painful, easier, but not for a while Sweetie. One day.

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peggy a sad mom

Omg I am at work right now I just want to die I don't know how much I can take. I wish someone could help me but I know they cant

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When I feel like that,  I go in the stairwell or my car and cry for 10-15 minutes

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TearsInHeaven

Peggy, hang on.  Do some visualizations of a good thing,   Those moments come out of no where. 

Sarah, it does get different and you learn to adjust. If better is your target word than think better. Rebekah is gorgeous and what a smile.  Here I am giving you advice and trust me, just a few of years ago I was on that fragile cliff and not seeing how anything would get better.  The new raw grief just turns you upside down and inside out.

Margarett, thanks for sharing some of your precious memories of Jason with us.  You know he was sitting right there with you when you typed out your post smiling at your reminiscing about all the things you hold dear.  

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Thank you all for the words of encouragement. It's strange I actually felt better mentally last month than j do now...it's like a regression....is this normal? I know people talk about waves and triggers. I'm just so k ow I don't even care if I get out of bed. I have to push myself to do things. Even cooking is exhausting. Maybe I'm finally realizing this is real...I will never hear her laugh that would light a room...never hear voice saying foolish things to her pup.

Sorry for the ramble just jumbled thoughts these days.

 

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My girl is in heaven

Rebekah’s mom.  What a beautiful girl.  Reminds me of my Kira. So young and full of hopes and dreams.  Just starting out really.  I know that sharp sharp pain that u are going thru right now.  And every where you look is a reminder of something.  I hear you talk about the guilt you live with.  My daughter collapsed in the shower and I heard it but didn’t think at the time it as anything to be concerned about so I didn’t go check anything.  Of course once we found her I knew immediately what that sound was. She was already gone.  So they think a heart arrthymia made her collapse.  And even though everyone says she was probably gone when she collapsed.  I have carried the guilt of not getting to her sooner with me for six years now.  I replay that day a million times in my head.  And if god would just give me that second  back again I would save her this time.  I have finally got to the point where I can say to myself..there was no way in a million years. I could have known what was going on in that bathroom.  I was over protective with everything, thought I had everything covered.  But a perfectly healthy17 year old girl to collapse and die in the shower. Who would ever think of that?  You and I would have moved heaven and earth to save our girls had we know they were in harms way. We would gladly trade places with them.  But along with the grief, I don’t want you to drag that guilt burden too.  I pretty much have let it go because it just eats you alive and never changes the outcome. After I ask god why my s cond question will be could I have saved her though.  You have enough to deal with  without letting guilt start tearing u down too.  You and I are good moms and every other mom on here too. The only difference between us and the non bereaved moms is they were just luckier than us.  Please don’t hang on to the guilt, like I Did for years.  We Would have done anything to save our kids....all of us would have.  Remember you do not have to walk alone on this journey.  Our arms are always open wide.  

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peggy a sad mom

i always go for walks at work and i always lose it. i just can't help it i can never help it. it hurts so much. never ever did i think any body can handle being this hurt. the pain in the heart is unbearable. oh god help me please help me

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My girl is in heaven

Peggy.  I can’t believe so many of you don’t get a good amount of time off of work.  That’s impossible for you to be able to focus and concentrate right now.  I’m so sorry about your dear son.  Just getting out of bed right now and living one day, hour or minute if that’s all u can do right now.  Do you think your dr. Would write you off work for awhile? I know I was in pure shock for weeks or months couldn’t even cry a tear.  I was just not going to accept this happened.  It is hard to see right now but this new life, that none  o f us wanted will get weaved into the grief and you will find your footing again, although your life will never be the same.  It will just be different.  And one day a tiny little ray of sunshine will poke thru just for a second but you’ll know it is there.  And just when you take that tiny step forward something will knock you off your balance and you’ll stumble and fall.  But you’ll get up again and we will all be there to help you up. Hang on dear friend, these are the worst of times. Grief has to be hit head on unfortunately there is no way around it.  But you never have to all this journey alone. 

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My girl is in heaven

Oh dear Peggy, I wish I could give you a big hug right now, I can just feel your pain so much.  Hold on tight. 

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