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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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peggy a sad mom

I am so sorry for you. I know how you are feeling. I'm hurting so much also

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Thanks peggy.

I'm hoping speaking with others will help in this process. I find sleep one of the hardest things lately.

 

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So many new people.  A club with the highest membership dues and you can never leave.

Samantha Flores Guajardo - You should be proud of yourself that you were able to crawl out of bed and face the day.  That in itself is an accomplishment.  The pain we feel is equal to the love we had for them.  I am coming up on the 10 year mark and that number seems to be very difficult.  I hope you find at least one thing to smile about each day.  That one thing may turn into two things and so on.  That is how I try to find happiness again.  After ten years, my family has found happiness again, it is just different.

Rebekahs Mom  we seem to have many Canadian friends on this site.  I am sorry you have a reason to find us.  I think I read that you are in Alberta and your daughter in Nova Scotia.  Was she in school?  I have no words to take your pain to away.  If I did, I would have shouted them from the mountain tops.  Please tell us about your baby if you can.

Peggy, a sad Mom - yup, I get that.  This is a deep sadness that only someone who has experienced it can understand.  We are here to share experiences that both worked and did not work.  I stay on this site, because I think I can help new parents to understand they are not going crazy, just grieving.  

Margeetx ...We have our sons ashes and have decided to spread small amounts in each place we visit.  The first and second Christmases after Brian died, we ran away to Miami Beach, Atlantic Ocean, and second Christmas California, Pacific Ocean.  My daughter took some of her brothers ashes to Punta Cana.  Our Brian is all over the world.  This is what works for us.  Hope this helps

Motherhip  so sorry for the death of Ian.  A heartbreak that we are here to help you understand.  This heartbreak does not heal, but changes to become tolerable.  We really learn who our friends are.  I am hoping you have a good support system.  We hope to hold your hand as you walk this journey.

Niques Mom,  Welcome to a place none of us want to be.  We just want our babies back, but that is not going to happen so we talk and help each other.  

Tina's..Eleven months is both an eternity and a blip in our timeline,  Time is different now.  Some days, it seem like Brian has been gone for a very long time.  Other days, just yesterday.

hugs to all

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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peggy a sad mom

Thank you colleen this is so hard for me to see someone writing to me because my son is not here anymore. God it hurts so much

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Peggy and Doris, please let us know about you and your Beloved Ones and how you came to this site...we are all parents of Adult Children who have died...though we have parents on occasion that join who have lost someone younger as well. We are a large and active group on this site, please jump in at any time to post. You needn't learn our names right now, that will come with time.

Samantha, how are you today?

Georgina, I agree, when we take charge of one thing, whether it is going to the grocery or taking a walk or whatever...we are the ones taking those steps and therein is our control. It is a good thing no matter how small a decision...

 

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Colleen,

You were close it was the opposite her Alberta us in Nova Scotia.

She moved out there only7 months before her death. 

Had visited with a friend last November and loved the atmosphere.

She was in school taking paralegal through distance and working full time at a restaurant. She had such a bright personality and so much fun. She made me laugh all the time.

I had her when I was 17 so needless to say we were close.

I think she got mixed up with the wrong crowd...I may never know. 

They say the case remains opened and when tox is back it may be homicide. I'm assuming fentanyl was probably involved.

I just have so much anger sadness pain and question myself what I should have or could have done but rationally know it won't bring her back.

Thanks for replying. 

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

It will make 4 weeks Friday & I feel worse then the day it happened.  I feel like I went from a haze to almost losing it. I thought it is suppose to get better.                Lost 

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Tomorrow is 7 weeks. I have days where I don't cry,  other days I can't stop crying.  I want to hear her voice again,  tell her I love her one more time.  It's like time is moving at different speeds , each day takes so long to finish but i can't believe it's been 7 weeks, feels like i spoke to her just yesterday. 

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Samantha, no it does not get better this fast, it gets worse in fact because of the peeling back of shock. For me the first big sense of shock wearing away was at around the 3 month  mark, and it hurt more than ever at that point. It progresses like this the first year, with having times get more difficult and eventually, finding times more smooth and finding ourselves more able to move forward a bit. It is and up and down and challenging time...it is very hard ...the pain you feel is equal to the love you share with your Child.

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Indeed Samantha, and all Newbies...we are lost until we begin to find our pieces again and somehow fashion them together with our memories and our devotion...many of our parts are broken and we have to make do with those broken parts for quite a while...we also add new parts to put in the spaces that the grief has left, we will find new ways to live and actually to enjoy life again, never the way it was before...but something new will be made. It is a long process...one day is far too long without our Child, and so to plan for all of those days is daunting at best. Don't. Just plan for this moment, and then the next. One moment at a time. One day it will stretch out to an hour at a time and so on. But for now? One moment.

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

I am extremely greatful I found you all. I don't have much to say today other then this pain is like no other it's so unreal I hate the feeling of this pain.

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I know exactly what you are feeling Samantha. I just want to rewind time and make it change.

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My girl is in heaven

Oh my goodness.  So sad to see all you newbies. I wish no one every has to be a member. I’m six years in but didn’t find this web site til last April.  So I am glad to see you have all found your way here. Because I so wish I had of found it sooner. These parents , these wise, compassionate caring parents have been the reason I am even here. You can come here and say as much or as little as you want,. No one will judge you how you greieve or for how long. You may notice that  friends and family start to drop off and go back to thier lives.  No one does that here.  We we always be here with our arms wide open. Just inching your way a long right now is all can do. One day one hour one minute, what ever u can do right now.. . Don’t look too far ahead. After a lot of hard work and time you will see your life changed but you weave your grief into your new life. You’ll see a pinhole of light every once in a while but that comes with a lot of work.  This journey is life long One but one you needn’t have to travel alone.   Hold on tight my friends. We have all been or are in your footsteps.  So we really do understand.  Please keep coming back to tell us about your precious angels. I m so sorry you are here, but this is an excellent place to get help. 

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I wonder when will I feel like others returned to work...I only have about few weeks off and I'm still in a fog

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA
12 minutes ago, Rebekahs mom said:

I know exactly what you are feeling Samantha. I just want to rewind time and make it change.

How I too wish I could.

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I never sleep..I replay what I should have or could have done...I know the outcome is the same but I have that guilt. Everyone tells me I have done all I could but I feel I could have done more. No one else gets where I'm coming from...hence the reason I sought out this group

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14 minutes ago, Samantha Flores Guajardo said:

How I too wish I could.

It's terrible..u can inbox me anytime I don't sleep...I'm new to this though 

My daughter just passed almost 2 months ago

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Rebekahs mom: I had to go back to work after 2 weeks, I didn't have any time left and had bills to pay.  Is good and bad.  Good because it gives me something else to think about.  Bad because I have a very low tolerance for the trivial stuff they want to complain about.  I hide in the stairwell and cry when I can't take it.  Cry for 15 minutes and go back.  I think of how I might have been able to save my daughter,  I know I couldnt have but think about the what ifs. Sonetimes i replay the trip to the hospital while i sit at my desk.  I had no plan for living without my daughter,  this group is nice to see that i am not crazy. 

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niquesmom you are doing just right for where you are at. The first year is the most difficult in some ways because there are sometimes delays with coroners or police investigations and you are so shocked and horrified that it seems unreal. You replay stuff in your head and wish for things to be different. Sleep is elusive and sometimes has nightmares you feel sick and raw and have brain fog. It all has to be faced and you need to just keep fighting on through. You could not save your daughter it is a desire that all of us have wished for and in time you will see that is the truth. None of us signed up for this none of us knew how to deal with this but together we will all help each other.

rebekah'smom I am so sorry you lost your precious daughter. You have come to a safe place here where you can share as much as you want and be guided and encouraged by those further along the grief journey.

mothership what a great name given to you with love by your son. My kids have different names for me too. My son Tommy who was killed in 2015 used to call me "Moms" which I treasure and it is so sad to know no one will ever call me that again it was just our connection. It is definitely very challenging to have an adult child with sobriety or addiction issues it is a special kind of hell for both sides, the adult who uses to numb out and block reality and the  family who have to worry about the possible overdose that may come and behavioural issues that come along with addiction/self medication. Drugs and alcohol take over the real person and make them angry resentful selfish and cruel and the original person who was none of those things before feels like they are erased. It is a disease not a choice and tragically takes young lives early.

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tina my dear I can feel your anguish and struggle, and wish I could help you. You will be ok you will get through it sometimes mentally on your hands and knees but you will survive this. Keep posting we will be with you all the way.

louanne love those quotes you know how I love quotes and screen shots because they often say what you feel yourself but cannot say. Thanks

. We also had to ship back my son from Hawaii to the UK and wait for police investigations etc before being able to have him cremated. It was well over a year before we scattered his ashes it was delayed because of ill health and not all being able to get together. There is no rush to make decisions no time limit on grief or when to scatter ashes or set up a memorial etc sometimes it is better to sit back and have time to rethink and regather yourselves before making decisions. Everyone grieves and does things differently and that is totally ok.

samantha oh if only we could turn back time and make it stop where we were all complete families, but the truth is that is not possible. With time and hard work there will be times when you find the sun again and ultimately be able to continue on with life as best you can. There will never be a day when you do not miss your spirit child but gradually that raw raw wound heals and leaves a more gentle internal ache ok?

dee and dianne your calm presence and wise words are so beneficial to us all thanks for staying so long and helping us.

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 I too love the name MOTHER SHIP...so wonderful, you were the mothership for HIM. He knew where his base was, his start and his safe place. I can't remember a time when we have had so many new to this site at one time. I wish so that it was not this way for you and for any of us.

When Erica was killed in Michigan, we too had to have her body sent home to Oak Park, Illinois...just near you Samantha. It was the most horrid thing to wait for her body, her shell to be delivered to the funeral home near us. The good news was, I knew and felt it as her shell, I felt her soul hanging out on her trauma center bedframe, it was already outside of her body when we arrived, she lived for 6 days with her brainstem nearly severed from the accident, just hanging on by one strand...so we gave her the days we did to come to terms with ERica leaving us and to also await any miracles we all hoped for...and on that sixth day we had her taken off life support because knowing my Girl tells me that she would hate being held to this earth, tethered by measures of machines and beeps telling us that she was still here...we set her free, and the next day two people who were blind each received sight in one eye due to Erica...many babies born with bone issues received her bone to help them, and one elderly man received her knee and someone received her heart valves...sadly her major organs could not be delivered into another due to being off oxygen for an hour before she died. That strong heart of hers could not be shared literally but she did share her heart everyday, and since then too, as she is felt by so many who keep my Girl alive in their lives. Not a day goes by ever, not an hour, where she is not a smile in my heart.

 

and now a musical treat:

tps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7HJZPlJn_U

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peggy so sorry I missed you out we have quite a few members and a whole lot of newbies who joined all at the same time and I am at fault. It takes time to find everyone and offer help which is why we redirect everyone onto this thread to keep us all together in one place. I do not know your story would you like to share a little more detail? If not because it is too painful that is totally ok do it when you feel able. Lots of people just read without posting until they feel strong enough. posting gets easier with time typing out the painful truth is so hard and goodness knows i have cried whilst posting both sharing my story and reading others. Everyone's pain is so clearly felt.

 

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TearsInHeaven

For all our new parents who have come to our group after facing the hardest of all tragedies, I am sure this feels like a nightmare that you cannot wake up from and pain and sorrow surround your heart like a vise.  The best thing we have to offer is a shoulder to cry on, comfort to weather this and understanding that no matter how you feel right now we will listen. Weathering this horrific storm is a lifetime but  it is a storm that someday you will have adapted to as difficult as that sounds.  Your lives will always be a then and now.  We will be on this journey with you as we make our way through this frightening path of grief we have been set upon.  Each loss is unique and everyone tries to make their way.  Just know that you do not have to be alone while you do it.  Nique, Rebekah, Anthony, Jason, Ian, (Peggy and Lou I am sorry I did not see your childrens' names) will be meeting our children.  

walk in the rain.jpg

every grieving mother.jpg

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peggy a sad mom

thank you for the kind word's. i haven't been able to write about my son yet but his name is ron and i don't have to tell you how i feel right now

thanks ago and i'm am also thinking of you

 

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Quote
Quote

 

 

I have no earthly idea how I managed to get those 2 'quote' boxes above.  I was trying to figure out how to type in my favorite color, blue, and how to make the font slightly larger for my ' at your age vision.'  

It is hard for me to believe that so many forum participants have been coming here for years and years.  This tells me that my feelings that I will never really get 'over' Jason's death is true.  It also tells me of the loving and caring people who help others is a God send.  I wish I felt that I could be helpful to someone else.  Perhaps that will come with time.  I need advice on continuing to be ok for Meredith and Jeremy, Jason's younger brother and twin sister.  I love them so much, and I feel so helpless to be able to be the Mother they need right now.  If any of you has any wise and helpful ideas, I would appreciate it.  Maybe a suggestion for books?

i do know one thing and only one thing.... losing Jason has been the hardest and most painful event in my life.    xxxxooooo margarett 

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peggy a sad mom

I feel that way too. But they say we will be able to cope. I can't give you advice Ron was my only child. Someone will answer

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Books: The Worst Loss ,written by two moms together sharing stories of loss by many...

Don't Let Death Ruin Your Life, Stories by many people in grief.

Paula, written by Paula's Mom, Isabele Allende' and The Sum of Our Days, written 10 years after Paula died.

Name All the Animals, written by Alison Smith, written about the sudden death of her Brother.

 

 

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Peg, one day you will be able to tell your story, Ron must be very proud of you for finding us here and joining us.

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TearsInHeaven

Margarett, I hope you get plenty of answers to your questions about siblings. For me---my daughter was the oldest of my two and Michael was 36 when he died.  My daughter was a new mother to a 17 month old. She is extremely quiet about her loss.  I do know that early on, after the fog gave me open moments, I read an article about siblings being the forgotten mourner, the "left over" kid.  I tried to always keep that in mind so my daughter never felt (I hope) that she was what we had LEFT.  Eight months after the loss of my son, my daughter moved to Wyoming because of her husband's job.  I know how hard that was for her.  We had promised her we would move where she did but at 8600ft elevation, my husband could not breathe there and I had difficult with walking (already had compromised joints) . I saw how hard it was to have lost the one person that shared her childhood and then have to leave us behind. I think it is hard where so much attention is initially given to the parents and don't ask, "How are you doing?" vs "How are your parents or How is your mom?" Sometimes she gets angry when I am sad. I personally think her anger comes out at me because she still has not faced everything because of the uprooting move and new child.  Not that she lived at home.  She went away to college and never came back home but lived a couple of hours away.  But now she is 1100 miles away. I know there are parents here with younger siblings so that may be a different story.  I know I try hard to make her feel that her place is solid within the family and she is a part of everything we do.  I have tried many times to get her to talk about how she feels but this doesn't usually get too far.

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Hello all,

Welcome to those that are new to this site.  I am so very sorry for your loss.  But you will find support and help and love here.   You can read only, or post as often as you like and be accepted.

My prayers and thoughts are with all recovering from illness and surgery.  Allow yourselves time to really recover.

As I walk this road with my dearest friend who lost her daughter Heather in December my heart breaks as she goes through the horrible loss.    It brings back memories that I would rather not think about at times, butI am grateful that I can be there with her.  She has been so supportive of me and had not experienced the pain and couldn't relate but that did not matter.  She was there and did not walk away as some of my family and friends did. Everyone needs this kind of friend.

It will be the 6th anniversary of Sarah's death on March 14th.   I  always wish I could sleep through February and up to the 14th as the memories of her last 6 weeks come and the days are so dreary at this time. But as we all know, those days will always come, so I try to let myself just feel what I feel and not fight it, and remind myself that I will be ok.    Don't always succeed so well, but one step at a time.

We are supposed to get more snow tonight. Maybe.  The weather guy said we could get anywhere from 0 to 12 inches by the time this storm is over in the next few days.   I found that comical.    But I do remember the Blizzard of 78 and then they were only calling for about a half inch and we got over 17inches.    It is supposed to be hitting Chicago right now.   Hope you are doing ok Dee.

I need to go for now and attend an online class.

Wishing all a peaceful evening.

Sandy

 

 

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peggy it is totally ok if you are not ready yet to say more,we understand how hard it is to talk about what happened, give yourself time and when you do share that would be great. Tommy was my eldest son I  also have 2 younger daughters and a son. Tommy's death was very unexpected he was helping to move friends into their dorm rooms at the University of hawaii. They had a few beers to kind of cheer on the student friends. there were some others there they did not know.  There was some tension building and a small fight between this one friend and some others he did not know happened. Tommy pulled his friend out of the fray and told him to stay cool and then went to calm the others down he was a good peacemaker. Later they were ragging on pat again and he just cracked. he did have some mental health issues before that were not well known to the group, He then climbed out of the window onto a small ledge 14 floors up and was screaming and crying and threatening to jump. The police were called but were not able to enter the room because pat was so unstable and hysterical. The police allowed Tommy and another friend to stay by the window and talk him down which did not work. Tommy then climbed out took his hand and told him he was not going back in without him. he talked pat down and they were climbing back in the window when the glass shattered and they both fell and sustained serious major injuries. The EMT's stabilised them and took them to the trauma hospital. My Tommy lost his heart rate in the ambulance and was receiving full CPR. At the hospital the drs tried really hard but could not save my boy he died from multiple blunt trauma both external and internal. He could not be kept alive to donate any organs which is what he would have wanted. Pat had very serious injuries too and was in hospital for a few months himself but ultimately survived and can even walk and function pretty well. So ironic that the hero dies and the other one makes it.still i am glad pat made it so my Tommy did not die for nothing. Yes he was so brave risking himself for his friend but we all wish he had been more self preservative ana we would still have him with us. There is no reason why? no reason why tommy was taken yet his friend survived it is just all a tragic accident. Our stories get a little easier each time we tell them it reinforces the reality and gives us opportunities to reflect on something that is often shoved down and ignored because it is too horrible and painful to think about, we heal a little bit more each time. Maybe one day some of us may speak to students or parents or other groups to share how the loss of a child impacts the whole family and give advice on surviving the loss, or write books.  We are not all destined to be publicly vocal but here on this thread we can help others. love and care is what heals you and it is found here in our little community

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dee I forgot to say that your words about Eri brought tears to my eyes. We do need to remember that the body is just an empty shell. The life force personality and spirit, all the things that make you uniquely you, are enveloped within the soul which passes onto eternity to wait for us. Having been present at many deaths in my nursing career it was always surprising to see the subtle changes once the soul leaves the body. The shell that remains is like a lookalike waxwork representation and appears slightly lessened, like a balloon that has lost some of its air. We may have to bury/scatter the remains but the soul is kept in our heart and the spirit, the essence of our child walks beside us always. Never extinguished always present, always loved.

Donating organs is a truly wonderful way to help others in need, I only wish I had been given the opportunity to do that, but am comforted to know that Tommy saved his friend's life anyway and that stopped another family from grieving like we do.

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I just lost a long text...darn. I am getting ready to take along snow walk, our schools are closed, though we did not get the amount of snow predicted, Id' prefer to finish out the week, I had a lot scheduled for the day...and this means going an extra day in June...but I will enjoy the long daytime walk. Sandy, how much snow did you actually get? I admire the strength you have to walk your friend through all that you have already walked, to repeat those steps has got to be exhausting and haunting in some ways, but I sure understand that you are glad to be able to do this for and with her, just as she was there for you. It is remarkable in so many ways that this sweet woman, your friend, lost her Daughter so like your Daughter...we see sometimes, our purpose here in the walk on this hard path.

To all new, please read as much as you can here, the stories are from people who once were in their first weeks, months, and eventually years, of grief. We get it. We sure do get it. You can rage and scream with us, we won't leave your side. Try very hard to take water breaks, drinking a few gulps every hour so as to keep up with hydration...we cry a lot of water and we forget in grief to replace it. We also urge you to eat some small meals through the day to help you with energy: grief is depleting and our immune systems get whacked by grief, so try to add some proteins to your meals. Sleep is hard to find so make sure that you give yourself some good things to do at nightime when sleep fails: decaff tea, a good book, some tv if that helps distract you, or coming here and reading too...you can write in ajournal which actually helps you find out how far you travel...you write and write and one day you go back and read your entries and see the ways you have gone forward in this very hardest of all times. You need to hold yourself and tell yourself what you know your Child would say to you: " You are doing a great job, you are dealing with the hardest loss in the world but know that I am right here, sitting on your shoulder closest to your heart, urging you on, rooting for you, stand in my light."

One day the guilt will not be so strong, we all had/have it. It is just a parental thing, we become a parent and we instantly grow a part of us that feels guilty for all that happens that isn't good. You will learn to shed that guilt but it takes time, it will be more manageable as time goes on. All of this is terribly hard, not one easy thing about grieving one's child, so please tell yourself a few times a day, that you are doing what you can right now, that one day you will feel differently than you feel today. the love stays a constant, so never worry that you will forget your Child as time goes by, you will not. I promise.

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Today makes 4 weeks since I received the horhorrifying news my son Anthony was gone forever. The day my world came to a screeching halt. The day my smile became a frown. The day when my world stop spinning round. The day my sunshine went away.  The day my  whole life changed. I sit here everyday searching for pieces to try & make sence out of this. I can't understand.  I find myself becoming an emotional trainwreck. I  feel so crazy most of the time. I don't feel any better then the day my heart was shaddered . I never felt this sad in my whole life. I hate it all. No sunshine in my dark & hazy world. 

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I'm sorry you had to have this happen as well to you. It was just over 7 weeks my life changed forever. I still battle with sadness daily. I keep reliving the moment I was notified. I know I'm not as dark as I was initially but can only see slight improvement in mood. 

I recently got a portrait tattoo of her and that does seem to help. She loved animals so much so I found this the most fitting.

I have recently got the rest of her belongings home and can't even dream of going through them. Maybe that's why I'm in a darker place this week. I don't know.

Hopefully we can lean on each other to get through.20180209_155705.thumb.jpg.57e714c8409ee156b899ae0859c943e5.jpg

 

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Rebekah's Mom, your tattoo shows a beautiful young lady...I know that the reliving those horrid moments when we first hear the news is terrible. For me, I had to physically change what I did each night...I take walks all the time, and the last time I talked to Erica was on a walk at 8:10 PM...so each night I would replay that and go out for a walk and replay the conversation and replay coming home and getting a phone call at 9:20 saying that we had to get to Michigan, that my Daughter was in an accident...I replayed it purposely and then it just became all I could do, so I had to physically do something other than walk at 8:10, I had to ride a bike, or call a sister or something that took me from the reenactment habit of that horrid event. I worked hard at trying to rewire my brain to not allow the constant replay and it eventually worked. I went to therapy at th e6 month mark, which is right about when I found this place, back then it had a prettier name: Beyond Indigo, a more fitting name as it means Beyond Blue. You and Samantha and several other parents are so new to this terrible sadness, just give yourself time and space to grieve. It does get harder before you can start rebuilding a life. I remember thinking back in 2003 when Erica was killed, that I was a 47 year old woman who was suddenly reborn into a new world, my old life was no longer there, and this new world was harsh and hard and sad. I had to give myself the space and time that we would give anyone we love, I had to take the advice I would give to someone else, to be kind to myself, to learn slowly how to manuevere this new terrain. Be kind to you, do this and eventually you will find some kind of way.

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HELLO   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.  I'M  SO SORRY FOR ALL THE NEW PARENTS

WHO HAVE COME TO THIS SITE.  MY HEART GOES OUT TO ALL OF YOU.

Rebekahsmom-----So sorry for your recent loss of your dear daughter, Rebekah.

You are welcome to this site.  Please come back, and read/post as you feel you

want to.  We don't have 'rules' for reading, posting , or how often one needs to

take a step back......read only,...or posting.  It is all voluntary.  We're here to

understand.

LouAnn------I'm glad that you found BI last year.  I think that no matter when a

parent who is in the devastation of losing a child finds their way here, that it

will help to know there are others who understand.  When my baby, Lisa, died at

age 6 months in 1970,.....of course there was no internet , and  no resources for

much help for grief.  At that time, I just had to go it mostly alone,.....I had two

other young children depending on me;   and soon, I was expecting my dear David.

Now they are both gone.  The thing that I found ( after David's death) was that

 I had many doubts about getting any meaningful help from a site like BI..

But I did find help and comfort from those who had been on this site when I came

on.....months after only reading.   

Niquesmom-----I went back to work after only a couple weeks after David passed.

For me,.....it was too soon, but I was being pressured by management to return, so I did.  It was pretty

difficult at first, because it was the type of job where I had to have steady interaction

with the public I did my crying in the car, on the way home.  It did get easier as time went by.

Dee------Snow here.....they've cancelled school a couple days in the past week or so.

Warm-up is coming.  It will be nice not to plow/shovel snow for awhile.:mellow:

 

Dianne-----I agree. When one is in a deep dark place in the grief road,  an understanding

shoulder to cry on is a comfort.  While the pain and sorrow will always be there,  it does

help to have others who get it.

Peggy------I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Ron.  You are welcome here at this

site.  Please come back whenever you want to.  No pressure here about posting/reading

on the site.  Everyone here is joined by the loss of a child/children.  There is understanding

here that one is sometimes not able to find elsewhere.  Peace to you.

Sholl1955----I so, remember the Blizzard of 1978.  That is the year my daughter was born....

just before the blizzard set in.  She had to be transported to a special children's hospital for

a critical health problem.  I remember seeing on the news that all of our neighbors in Indiana,

Illinois, and other states in the midwest had the same extreme conditions.  Here in Ohio,  in the Cleveland

area, there were 10,000 cars abandoned on the area freeways.... the people being rescued by

police, firemen, and National Guard.  Wow...what a winter.  :o

Lesley-----thanks for the screen shots.  I especially like the one saying   "Someday I'll Meet

You on The Other Side". 

  

WISHING   ALL   INDIGOS   PEACE   AND COMFORT.

 

Davey&Lisasmom------Sherry  

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hearthurt1013

My wife and I have been not very nice to each other. I am so tired, I am over tired and NOW, I can't sleep. We are both foodies and last night she announced to me that she can't stand my cooking. I decided she can do the grocery shopping and all the cooking, HERSELF and she hated that idea, even though I told her I would do dishes and take care of the trash as well as work online. Then, when I was finally falling asleep, she turned the tv up and woke me back up. I have had neighbors who woke me up the night before and when I went outside, they looked at me like I had 12 heads. This was at midnigh and now I am so irritable I can't stand myself. My depression, coupled with grieving over my son, that gray sky outside and my SAD are all hitting me at once. I could hardly concentrate on my work today. I hope you are all having a better day than I am and I am looking forward to doing nothing this weekend. If I hear one more time about the Eagles and the Super Bowl or the parade, I am going to lose what is left of my mind. The media is over doing it WAY TOO MUCH.

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Hearthurt, are you from the Philly area? The news is so full of Olympics right now and of course the latest craziness in the white house...it has snowed here all day and we have about 8 inches with more coming...it suits me fine but i know I am in the minority of those who like a big snowfall. I wish that you and your wife were able to be just quiet with each other...maybe say nothing that you yourself would not like to hear...I know that your wife is dealing with many health issues right? Are her medications being kept up with in her grief?  As far as sleeplessness, it is a byproduct of grief, a very bad one, it disallows finding ways to cope with grief itself. This is why I suggest that even if your sleep habits are destroyed, make sure you keep up with a routine of sorts, a cup of decaff tea, try some peppermint or some  sleepytime tea, some honey only because it is good for you but also soothing, try to have these at around the same time each night. Our bodies are thrown out of all the old routines when we lose a Child, so creating some new routines for your body/mind. Then have time to write in a journal or listen to some music, or read a book or watch television...something that will allow your brain a brief escape. Try some breathing techniques or do some yoga that can help relax your system a bit. Laying on the floor or a bed with your feet up against the wall, about a foot above the rest of you is a very good relaxing practice. When you relax, you may feel like crying, don't stop the tears, let them fall. Letting your grief out of your body is a good thing, crying is a brief storm that needs to erupt, often times cleansing out one little place in your spirit for a bit. Little bits of time as you go, later on in your journey, you will be able to take on a little more time that feels better.  I hope that your wife can find some more productive ways of communicating with you.

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hearthurt1013

Yes, we are. They just put her on statins and she takes Celexa to work in conjuntion with her insulin. I just had to remind her that I want nothing to do with any of our neighbors because they owe us money and I am tired of being told to pound sand, let alone her because she was nasty about eating left overs. I am tired of being treated like I don't exist and that I am supposed to jump through my butt for everyone else and when we ask for help be told to get lost. What I think is that my lack of sleep is the culprit for me, not being ale to go to Mass any more because there is a parishoner and one of the priests that asked us to leave (although we don't know why) and consequently being denied the sacraments, including confession and receiving the Eucharist, as well as the crappy weather has not helped. I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to eat and I am not taking care of myself. I am taking care of her, but not me. Her condition and medical issues are far more serious than any of my problems including my emotional and mental health.  I am feeling more and more like I am a human DOING not a human BEING.

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Quote
Quote

 

 

I have no earthly idea how I managed to get those 2 'quote' boxes above.  I was trying to figure out how to type in my favorite color, blue, and how to make the font slightly larger for my ' at your age vision.'  

It is hard for me to believe that so many forum participants have been coming here for years and years.  This tells me that my feelings that I will never really get 'over' Jason's death is true.  It also tells me of the loving and caring people who help others is a God send.  I wish I felt that I could be helpful to someone else.  Perhaps that will come with time.  I need advice on continuing to be ok for Meredith and Jeremy, Jason's younger brother and twin sister.  I love them so much, and I feel so helpless to be able to be the Mother they need right now.  If any of you has any wise and helpful ideas, I would appreciate it.  Maybe a suggestion for books?

i do know one thing and only one thing.... losing Jason has been the hardest and most painful event in America

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Well, I am not sure what I did incorrectly, but the post above was posted yesterday. This has been my worse day ( but, I find every day my worse day). Since I had not heard from the funeral home or medical examiner 's office....I called both and found out the death certificate was mailed to the funeral home on 2/2/18.  Even in Texas, it should not have taken a week for us to get the certificate.   Any way, Mike went to the funeral home and got our copies and Jason's ashes.  Wow, I was not expecting my reaction when I read the death certificate..... I finally cried...I mean snot running all over my face crying.  I had not really cried since we found out that Jason had died on Thursday, 1/25/18.   ( he had died on 1/23.... took them 2 days to notify us)

I was able to find some of the suggested books on Amazon regarding my other children and how I can handle their issues as I am now a complete mess.  My goodness, when I read about the son that died trying to save the person off the ledge.... I really feel for you.

But then, I feel for everyone on here.  Each story breaks my broken heart more.... how does that happen?  But, then I read something from someone who has been here for 15+ years, and then I know that it never goes away.   Never.on Monday I am going to the hospital to request the medical records of his ER visit; then to the EMT's; and then to  Careflight.   I HAVE TO SEE EVERYTHING.  I watched a surgery video today of the removal/repair of a pulmonary embolism.  Did they attempt that?  Questions.  That is all that I have left.  Questions.  Xoxo  Margarett 

 

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Found my post that I lost today, however, I wrote to Hearthurt and our internet went out and I lost the post. Dang. Basically Hearthurt, I was saying that because your sleep is really a need right now, it may be good to go see if the doctor can give you something to take the edge off..but the real problem lies in the grief that has not yet been released. You speak of anger and fighting, but you do not speak of being broken hearted, and this worries me only because I know that no matter what, grief will have its way with you, and if you actively allow yourselves to grieve, you will not have as much residual anger and if you allow yourselves to grieve, you won't be hit later on with this explosion that has been held down. It sounds as though your wife is dealing with the grief in similar fashion, with anger and striking out. I think that you need to deal with your grief hearthurt, by going to therapy even if for just a few sessions...let someone help you find ways to deal with this sadness and the subsequent disquiet in your home. You cannot change how your wife deals with loss, but for now, you can find ways for you. If you miss your church and it sounds like they have been very un-christian, then find a new church, or go to one that can offer you the sermons and songs that may fill your spirit. Life is a new entity now, not one you wanted but still one that is your life now.  I know financially most of us had to go back to work, but none of us felt ready to do so...and financially, many can not afford to go to therapy especially if there are insurance issues, so most towns have facilities that offer help on a sliding scale basis. Hearthurt, your heart is as shattered as any of ours was/is...so please find ways to make your life smoother and less angry, you need to nurture YOU>

 

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Mermaid Tears

hearthurt.....my husband had a complete physical before John David died...all they found was his cholesterol was a little elevated....nine months after John David died...he was in the hospital having open heart quadruple by pass surgery. We were like two bumper cars in the night...if we bumped into each other...we would bounce back..not able to touch each other's pain. Daniel was the 'go to' Daddy.....he could fix everything from a broken heart to a broken car....but....he could not fix this. He had enough anger for 5 men....you see...

A Mother likes to heal things..A Daddy likes to fix things...

So....please...be very kind and gentle to YOURSELF...and your wife...and family. You will find that Father Time and Mother Nature will be your best physicians. You simply have to allow yourself to bend into this deep grief. There are no magic words or pill that can take away this heavy, dark and hateful grief. I suggest something that seems very simplistic....but....try to walk every day. The exercise will help with the stress...a way to work it out....it won't wipe away the grief...but it can be a useful tool in letting the stress work it's way out of your physical body. Insomnia is a hateful side effect of grief. So many ...even me....had horrible insomnia. I started walking...bought a treadmill so I could walk when I wanted to...it helped. I would take OTC sleep aides...and they helped. The jury is out on that. You are being too hard on yourself......I think as parents we get the feeling of having Super Human Control in protecting our children....and then we find....we only have Super Human Love.....you still have that Super Human Love....give some to yourself.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....many are so grateful that you stay on this site....your wisdom and words give such comfort...a bridge of support...thank you...xoxoxoxo

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Susan, the same is said for you...always offering goodness and support. I think that you and I are saying very similar things to HEarthurt,. I always like reading what you have to say. How ae you feeling these days?

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Mermaid Tears

Recovery is going good...but it is very, very slow.....I have no appetite...so eating is a challenge...but I need every calorie my little body can soak up....this is normal after my surgery....my Dr. said I was doing GREAT....so I will keep moving forward with baby steps every day. This is the first time I have been able to sit in my office chair for longer than 10 minutes.

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Margeteex....I hope you can get some answers...I'm still at that point. The ME said no foul play immediately however the men at the scene denied drug usage that night.  The examiner said most likely drugs were involved and need the toxicology report to finalize. She was supposed to be at work not this these people. I just want answers as well. 

I worry was she afraid or scared? Or did she just fall asleep....the unknown is what disturbs my sleep most.

 

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