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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

Trying to find the right forum. I hope this is it. Last night I dream of my son Anthony this was the first time since he has gone to heaven. The dream was I was in our back yard. I turned around, Look up at the window. I saw ANTHONY sanding in the middle of my son Joshua & his father my husband. I came running in the house yelling. Honey has not gone, he didn't  died! I then woke up & he was no where around & reality set in. That feeling came over my whole body again. Making me feel horrible.Today my world is gray. Tears keep falling down my face. Everything around me seems so sad.  I wish I could find laughter like others. All I can feel is darkness that causes pain. I don't know how I will survive this. Even when the sun is shining. I can't. See beyond this darkness.              A Shadder Heart for Life.

 

 

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Samantha, your loss is brand new, the shock is not even gone yet, but pieces of it fall away and leave you raw and aching. I am so sorry for the pain in your lives. How did your Boy die, how old was he? those dreams that make us think for a moment that our Child is really still here...those are brutal. Hang on with both hands as you find your way. Feeling the pain and darkness is normal for this time in your grief, you are only weeks from the event. It takes a great amount of time before you feel the sun on your face again, it will be a long while but it will happen, I promise, you must try very hard to be patient with yourself. Grief is a long process.

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margarete you did it welcome! I am rubbish at computers too. look further up this page and see dee's book recommendations she has very sound judgement. It may be too early yet for you to read but worth noting down the titles for future reads ok?

dianne I love those quotes too, the loss of a child is un nameable because it is so momentous.

dee yeah go Eagles! It is really sad remembering all the happy times we had holding superbowl parties when we lived in the States and watching all the Eagles games and the kids collecting Eagles player cards. Tonight I will be up on my own willing them on and trying not to wake my parents upstairs,

leah what is going on with you? More surgery? Are you ok? Rest and recuperate friend and let us know what is happening.

samantha welcome to our group I am sorry you lost your boy Anthony it is a devastating loss. There are people who believe if we dream of lost ones then they are sending a message. Many of us have not had that experience some have. The fact you saw him standing with his brother and father means he is still with you just not in a visible form and will never leave you until you meet again in the afterlife. You are also very new to the grief journey it takes years to come to a kind of acceptance and peace. there will be changes along the way small snatches of colour in an otherwise black and grey world, times you will be able to raise a smile briefly, times when you can speak briefly about your spirit child without breaking up completely. It takes time a lot of time. Do not make rushed decisions about anything because you are in an emotional turmoil, be patient with yourself and others and allow the days to pass by. Try and practice self care, eat small meals, try and nap if you cant sleep, and accept help when it is offered. you have come to a forum of care and healing all of us are bereaved parents ourselves. We post and chat to support each other and allow everyone to share as much as you are able about your child. There is no judgement, no criticism, we know we are all unique individuals who grieve in our own ways and time.

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA
1 hour ago, ericasmom said:

Samantha, your loss is brand new, the shock is not even gone yet, but pieces of it fall away and leave you raw and aching. I am so sorry for the pain in your lives. How did your Boy die, how old was he? those dreams that make us think for a moment that our Child is really still here...those are brutal. Hang on with both hands as you find your way. Feeling the pain and darkness is normal for this time in your grief, you are only weeks from the event. It takes a great amount of time before you feel the sun on your face again, it will be a long while but it will happen, I promise, you must try very hard to be patient with yourself. Grief is a long process.

 

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

THANK YOU ERICASMOM, THE PAIN IS SO UNBEARABLE, MY HEART IS SHADDERED. I FEEL SO DEAD & EMPTY INSIDE.  ON JANUARY 12, 2018 MY 30 YEAR OLD SON ANTHONY  PASSED AWAY IN A TRADGIC CAR ACCIDENT. THE ACCIDENT HAPPENED LESS THEN A MILE FROM OUR HOME. MY LIFE CHANGED THAT MORNING FOR EVER. I AM SO BROKEN. I WILL TRY AGAIN TOMORROW TO GET UP & OUT OF BED.  MY SON WAS A WONDERFUL MEEK MAN & AN AWSOME FATHER. HE BROUGHT US ALL SO MUCH JOY & LOVE .  I MISS ANTHONY SO MUCH. THE MORE TIME GOES BYE THE HARDER IT SEEM'S TO GET. MY SON WAS THE REASON I EVER PUT ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF THE OTHER. NOW IT HAS ALL DISAPPEARED. I GOT PG YOUNG & FOUGHT VERY HARD TO KEEP MY SON. I FELT MY SON WAS MY PURPOSE OF THIS LIFE. IFELT HE MADE ME WHO I AM TODAY. NOW ITS ALL GONE. WERE DO I GO FROM HERE? THE PAIN IS SO UNBEARABLE, I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE  THE JOURNEY GOD PUT IN FRONT OF ME ?  I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT HAS HAPPEN TO MY FAMILY & I . I KEEP WISHING THIS WILL ALL GO AWAY. I FIND MYSELF ASKING GOD TO PLEASE BRING MY SON BACK OR TAKE ME WERE HE'S AT. I MISS HIM SO MUCH.TITHE PAIN IS SO UNREAL. EVERYONE SAYS HE NOT GONE, BUT I SEE HIM NO WHERE. I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE HE'S GONE FOREVER & I WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO TOUCH OR KISS HIM AGAIN.  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PROCESS THIS. WHEN A MOMENT OF SILENCE  HITS ME, I CAN HEAR HIS SCREAMS, I WISH I COULD OF SAVED HIM. I WISH I WAS THERE TO HELP HIM. I WISH THERE SOMETHING I COULD HAVE DONE. MY BODY GOS NUM, A FEELING I NEVER FELT IN  LIFE COME OVER ME. I THOUGHT I HAD ALREADY VISITED HELL IN THIS LIFE TIME BUT I GUESS I WAS FAR FROM IT. I HOPE ONE DAY I WILL CRAWL THEN WALK AGAIN, CAUSE AT THE MOMENT I CAN'T EVEN SIT TO SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. FOREVER BROKEN

 
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Samantha and Margee, both new to us today, both early on in grief...all I can say is keep talking here and be proud of yourselves for finding a place in which to talk. I know that your Angels are proud of their Moms for taking the time and energy to find a place to get some help from other parents. My Girl was 19 when she was killed by a train at a broken crossing...she lived for 6 days but never awake...there is nothing close to the pain we parents feel in this terrible time of grief, but I am 14.5 years into this and promise you that talking to us and finding a way to eat and drink and maybe get outside a bit will eventually lead you through the next few weeks...I know that you would rather not be here, that you might rather be with your Angel Child, but we can't leave until it is our time to leave...so stay and find your steps and take your time. Write in a journal if you can  and cry, let the tears fall, let your heart rinse through the ache each day, it will never be that you don't hurt in your heart, but one day down the road, you will know that your heart is also healing, that it is reforming and changing and holding all the love from and for your sweet Baby in addition to all the love for everyone else you have in your lives. You are still here for reasons we just don't get to know right now, but here we are.

 

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA
5 hours ago, Samantha Flores Guajardo said:

THANK YOU AGAIN ERICASMOM ANOTHER DAY & MY PAIN IS WORSENING.

 

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My girl is in heaven

Ok after frantically flicking all over to find a hockey game my husband said there was football game on is really big in the states. So I turned it on and hollered to him in the other room it was Philadelphia 29 and Nebraska 19 in the 3rd period.  Ok well I got one out of three right.  Happy watching USA friends. 

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DAMN! New England won again, so many years in a row, but boy, those Eagles gave them a run for their money. I love the screen shot Louanne, perfectly stated. Thank you.

Samantha, it is going to become even more intense before it settles down a bit...it is the nature of the loss. I looked up your Son and saw a most handsome man holding his adorable look-alike Son, your Grandson. Beautiful. If you can Samantha, get online and read some of Elizabeth Kubler Ross...her famous book called: Death and Dying. She talks about the stages of grief we travel, these are important to understand...helping us learn that what we are going through is what others have also gone through, that these are the stages of grief, and we go back and forth between the stages for a long while...it is natural in this otherwise unnatural event. HOld on to us Dear...those Grandbabies need you.

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I can't believe my baby girls angelversery is coming up. Omg my baby girl is gone. My heart hurts so bad. I don't want my son to think he means less to me. I just can't hold it in any more. I need to cry and need some one to hold me. It hurts so bad. God help me

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

 Iam so sorry for everyone's pain my heart breaks for us all. I have been reading due to sleepless nights, laying here thinking about the boys and what a great father they lossedI He loved them so dearly. It jerks & turns my insides to know my baby boys will never feel how much their dad loved them & how much they meant to him. It tears me up inside that these baby's  will live a life like mine. I loss my dad when I was 8 & it really sucks not to have him around. Not so much when I was young. It was when I got older & lifes events began to have a meaning to them. I would wish my dad was here to see it. Now my babies will have live that life I did. All my life I feared of losing someone, cause what happened to my dad. Now my greatest fear has slapped me in my face. Everytime I close my eyes inside my head become a Wounderland of memories good & bad, the would of, the could of, & the should of start to swarm into a tornado in my head.  I dont no what to do. I am so thankful for this site I finally found someone who can relate to me. I thank you all for being there to listen when I need to release my emotions. I hope & pray one day I am where u all are at & I can see the light of day. Thanks to all again 

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Tina, I know and remember that first year, when the date loomed like a monster chasing me through the days leading up to it...what will it mark? How will it affect me? It simply is a horrid feeling of despair that hits when we see the year mark of time in the not-so-distant-future. Hold on Sweetie, it is a very tough and bumpy path, hold on. There is simply nothing easy about it, and the fact that you are worried about your Son shows that you are there for him. YOu won't get lost in the grief Tina, which is what I sense you worry about, we do come up for air, we do find our way no matter the pain, we do it. We get there. Let the tears flow, if you can let them flow with your Son in the room...let him see your pain so that he can line his up  and acknowledge it as well. Maybe the two of you can work together on some sort of memorial gathering for your Daughter, some joint effort that will allow you both the room and space to grieve and honor your Girl.

Samantha, now it is no longer yesterday...we get to the next day, the next day, all the while aching for that day that took him, I know, but we get to the next day because we must and as much as this might feel like how you lost your Dad, remember that those KIds have other people in their lives to help them through, you included.

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LESLEY, YOU DID IT! You willed the Philadelphia team to win...HOORAy for your old hometown.

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TearsInHeaven

Tina, that anniversary date so so difficult.  I remember feeling that while the build up to that marker was crushing, I hit a year so it will be better.  Sorry to say it was not---at all.  That date will always burn in your heart as your love for Kiona filled your heart.  My best thing to say as while you agonize through this, remember that you have found someway to face the next day.  I know as you see that calendar your heart wants to explode.  I hit the 3rd year in Nov and I was a total mess.  But somehow, someway you get to the other side and while your grief is a constant companion you find a little footing.  I think Dee is right... do something with Grayson to mark this with him.  The two of you acknowledging each other's loss as well as your own...together.  We are all surrounding you with as much comfort and strength we can send.

Samantha, keeping Anthony close to his boys will happen certainly since you know the loss of your dad.  You will find your footing. My son did not have children but we had a 17 month old granddaughter from my daughter who was the apple of her uncle's eye.  She is now 4 1/2 and we talk about him whenever we can.  She loves to blow bubbles outside so I always tell her that we are blowing those bubbles up to Uncle Michael and the angels in heaven.  But, right now just manage a day at a time.  Your heart is in a million pieces right now.  Grief doesn't come with instructions....but it is good to just take it one day or hour at a time.  Each day is a struggle and to take it farther out is overwhelming.  I read this article on a site called WhatsYourGrief.  When you feel up to it check it out.       https://whatsyourgrief.com/one-day-at-a-time-more-than-just-a-grief-cliche/

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I just want to explain about posting on something so trivial as a superbowl tournament. When my son Tommy was killed in Aug 2015 I never thought I would ever smile again or feel any joy my world was very black and insular and I lost my mind completely and ended up with a serious overdose. Inexplicably I was discovered no one knew where I was or what I was going to do and my sister had to give me CPR until the ambulance came. I was in intensive care on life support and a ventilator for 8 days and nearly died twice from toxicity and then double pneumonia. They did not know if I would pull through or if I would have brain damage. I did pull through and although I have some damage I am miraculously in control of most of my faculties. I now am well enough mentally to see how my crazed actions caused devastation to my family it took well over a year because I had to reprogramme myself after the overdose. It has caused much pain and distress to my adult children the most. They have anxiety and some depression and worry that I may do it again successfully in the future. Without meaning to I made everything so much worse for everyone and I feel a lot of guilt. Suicide only passes on the pain and magnifies it 100 times for those left behind. So I urge any of you who feel they are lost or not making progress to see a doctor and get medical and psychiatric help. I was in the stage where I could not breathe I could not function and I could not see any way to deal with what was going on. I needed blessed peace and relief from the agony and made a bad decision although i was mentally incapacitated. So I have been there and done that I get everyone's despair and anguish and I am thankful that after a lot of help support and therapy that I can finally see some light at the end and be able to enjoy such things as a football game or tv show. Am I healed? Absolutely not, I still have bad days, dark memories and crying jags but I also have good days, positive memories and smiles. With the support of those dear friends here I am healing slowly. I will never get over losing my precious boy but I see that there could be better times in a future that I could not see before. So sometimes we post insignificant things, talk about stuff that makes us happy and that is good for all the newbies to see that in time they too will be able to look back and say "I remember that awful time I remember drowning in grief it will never be forgotten but now I can see how far I have come and I want to try and help others to find the light again" Be patient it will come to you all in time ok? hugs to you all.

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TearsInHeaven

Lesley,  you are a remarkable woman,mother, contributor and someone I think of as a new friend.  Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences with all of us here.  I know in the beginning (of my NOW life) I could not understand how someone could talk about flowers or weather or any everyday thing.  What I didn't know was how much my subconscious was absorbing that in fact, in the early throes of my new grief it was possible to adapt to life after this horrific loss.  Our mentors who welcomed us here when we were so dark, so sad, so crushed, with compassion and understanding but in some other discussions showed that whether we want to or not life can go on. To me this forum was a place I could not only cry my sadness but eventually I learned to see the importance of family and while life would never be the same, it does go on.  We learn how to navigate this path and you are a good contributor and valued member.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....I finally got to a place where I could listen to the song....very, very moving....singing what is written on our hearts....

So many new parents...and my heart is heavy for you....and hurts for you. Every emotion you are experiencing...we...the parents on this site...has felt. We so understand how this kind of grief is so very heavy and dark and hateful. I felt like someone tied a 20 lb. bowling ball to my body...and I walked..talked..slept...with that heavy feeling. This kind of grief can impact you physically...emotionally and mentally....that is why we say to you....'please...take care...self care...be very good and kind to yourself...and especially to the siblings and family....for they are wrecked with grief, also.....don't expect too much from yourself or family or others....don't try to see too far down the road or too far in the past for now. Right now....just take it one hour...one day....at a time. Your grief journey will be a as unique as your child is unique....but we will walk with you and help and support you along the way. There is no magic word or pill that will bring you understanding....this is the kind of grief you simply must go through...you can't jump over it..or skip around it. We are here to let you know you can survive. Sending prayers of care.

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Dee-----Thanks for the song from 'Hamilton'.  Great that you got to see it.

Every time I see a movie where there's a duel,  I think how crazy that

custom was, and glad that it was outlawed long ago.

Margeetx------So sorry for your recent loss of your dear son, Jason.  Also, glad

that you found this site, though sorry for the reason for your need to be

at the site that no parent ever wants to be on.  Please come back anytime,

and read/post as you feel that you want to. You are welcome here. Peace to you.

 

Leah-------Oh, Leah......sorry that you have had to undergo more surgery.  sending

up prayers for your recovery.

Dianne-----thanks for the screen shots....So true...."no words for a parent who

has lost their child". 

Samantha------You have found a good site to come to.  I'm sorry for your loss of

your son, Anthony.  You are so very new to this road of grief that the shock is still

a big part for you.  Please come back. Everyone here at BI (formerly called Beyond Indigo),

knows, firsthand, the pain, shock, and sorrow of losing a child. I have been on this site

(along with Dee) for nearly 15 yrs.  In the early days, I would just read, and read, and

found comfort & hope by hearing others' stories.  While this does not take away the pain

and sorrow, I know,......sometimes, just knowing that others understand can help . 

  Peace to you.

 

WISHING   ALL   INDIGOS   PEACE   AND   COMFORT.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Lesley...thank you for sharing that very dark episode in your life....and then....clawing your way back to where the sun can shine again. I hope with time...your children can regain a balance with you and they can see where real healing is part of your recovery and life now.

I try to empathize on this site to parents how very crucial it is not to acknowledge their other children while they are in deep grief. Siblings are not grief counselors...and they are dealing with a dark grief of their own. I have known parents that have actually destroyed their family circle and the very lives of their other children because they refused to walk the grief journey...they in their grip of grief decided to stop and wallow and be consumed without any thought or heart to the destruction they are bringing to all in the family. I think from knowing how some parents have destroyed their families with making grief their God....helped me in deciding how to go forward...I lost a son...I didn't want to lose my whole family.

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I will be glad when I learn everyone's name;  it is hard for me to 'talk' sometimes when I am not sure of who of you I am talking to.  My darling  daughter, Jason's twin, always calls me on the drive home from work everyday.  She is having such a hard time and though she feels that she needs to be at work, she is finding herself short tempered , jumpy, and completely without any sympathy for anyone who looks at her Cross-way( southern term). Then she just burst into tears.  But she is 750 miles a way and I can't hug her.  Tonight, she said ...." mama, I just want to die so I can see Jason again."   I have felt the exact same way....knowing I have the right medications in my bedside table for a super suicide cocktail.  But, I will not do that, and neither will Meredith.   Just thinking it some times gives a slight amount of relief, for just a little while.   Tomorrow will mark 2 weeks since he died. 9:26am  .... official time of death.  I think he died immediately at 8:15am when he collapsed outside his truck.  No one could revive him .... not the paramedics at the scene, or in the care flight, or in the ER.   I wonder how he felt the night before... did he have any symptoms?  

Please tell me that God took Jason because Jason couldn't handle his life here.  I talked with one of his girlfriends from 2 years ago yesterday, and we both agreed that that was some of his best time.

i am rambling and not making a lot of sense...sorry. Margarett 

 

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Someone sent this to me:

Everthing is so pretty here, so white,so fresh, so new.   I wish you could close your 

     Eyes so you could see it too

Please try not to be sad for me.  Try to understand.God is taking care of me...I'm in 

     The shelter of His hands.

Here there is no sadness, and no sorrow, and no pain.  Here there is no crying, and 

      I will never hurt again.

Here it is so peaceful, when all the angels sing.  I really have to go for now...I've just

      Got to try my wings.

ps:   I'll be the first face you will see when you get here!

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margarett

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Margarett, I think that you are makng tons of sense...I am sorry that your Daughter is so far from you right now, she is aching for her twin brother, missing him in ways that are specific to siblings and perhaps even more so with twins...our Children will miss their sibling for all of time, and we will miss our Beloved Children forever. Two weeks Margarett, goodness so new to this hard place...I do believe that our Babies will be the first face we see when it is our time to leave...tell us more about your Boy when you can, how he lived and what he loved to do...Where is your Daughter living? Can she take a break from work to do a bit of grieving, is there a family leave situation that she can take advantage of? So hard to jump back into the job when one is under such a heavy sadness.

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My girl is in heaven

Hi margarett. My name is Luanne (my girl is in heaven).my perfectly healthy 17 year old daughter collapsed and drowned in the shower from what they think was a cardiac arrthymia 6 years ago.  I think it was just very sudden like your son.  I don’t know if this would help you or not but I have a internist doctor who told me they didn’t know exactly what the event was but any kind of sudden cardiac event that 100% is the most peaceful death there is.  There is no pain, struggling or suffering. It would just be lights out.  It’s a small piece of comfort for a grieving mom but one i hold on to. Maybe you can too.  All those feeling you and your daughter are having right now are ones I experienced and I’m sure everyone else too.   This is so new and raw for you. Just inching thru each day is all u can do right now.  I too have thought of the sweet relief to give up this life of pain and sorrow but mostly thru my dear friends here I know that would leave a horrible thing for my husband and two sons to have to live with.  So we have to trudge thru the middle of this grief, there’s no way around it.  It is a journey that none of us want to be on.  But it is one you do not have to walk alone.  All of us here have our arms open wide.  You will stumble and fall a lot but you will also see a glimmer of light now and then. But we will be there for you every step of the way. And together we hold each other up.one day hour or even one minute right now. Don’t think too far ahead.  None of us know why it had to be our kids. And I don’t think we ever will in this world.  Keep putting that one foot out in front of the other and hold on tight dear friend.  If your want to email or a phone call, just let me know. I will do anything I can to help you. 

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Thank you, Dee and Luanne,  for responding tonight, so quickly.  It sure made me feel as if someone out there is listening to me.   One evening, I called a friend and I could easily sense how uncomfortable she was, trying to talk to me.  Folks don't know what to say to me.  Heck, I don't know what I need to say, hear, feel or think.  How could they know?  I realized the other day, and this is way out there weird..... I found out about Jason's death on Thursday morning, about 9am.   ( he had died on Tuesday). Jason was born on a Thursday morning about 9am ....June 7, 1973.  Now somebody please 'splain to me why did I think about THAT????  At one point in my nursing career, I worked at a psych hospital for about 10 years.   I don't remember us having a lot of patients who were admitted because of grief/ mourning.    So even though I feel as if I am losing my mind, I know that I am not.  What I do wish.... you know the kind of drugs you are given for a colostomy?  I want some of those for a few days.     Love.  Margarett 

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

I managed to crawl out of bed today & make it into work. Everything felt ok until I walked into the stairway to go up to the 2nd floor. I found myself breaking down. Anxiety began to set in, I tell myself "not now, not here, get it together, get up & go" I gather my self & my belongings. I began to clim the stairs holding onto the rail, tears falling uncontrollably. The more I wipe the more they fell. I kept reasuring myself I can do this. I make it to the top of the stairs. My heart is pounding all over my chest sit on the stairs. I look at the door in front of me & ask my self "how am I going to do this"  I don"t want hugs I don't want sorry I don't what to hear you will be better with time. Cause at the moment I don't think I will ever be better. I will be just making it by. Nothing will ever be better with me missing my son everyday of my life. I don't care to  listen to anyones conversation. I want to be left alone. After a while I got the stranght to get back on my feet. I open the door, the first thing I hear is good morning. I say good morning back but no words came out. I got into my office & cry most of the day in silance. The laughter outside my office door made my ears bleed. The day was finally over I ran out as fast I could, got into my car. I cryied the whole way to pick my husband up from work. I came home & went to sleep. I don't think I want to go tomorrow I dont care to hear the voices of others. Looking for the light.

 

 

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Just letting you know I got home late this afternoon..   Thank you all for your prayers...   its hard but I will get through it..  I have to take it really easy..  that will probably be the hardest part of all this.

Hoping all you others who are going through health problems are feeling stronger.. I am thinking of you.

I welcome the new parents here (been sickly) this site is a God send...   Everybody helps everybody else and sometimes they don't even realize it... Bless you all and your angels

 

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My girl is in heaven

Leah.  So sorry you have been so sick.  You really need to take it easy and rest. Everything going ok with Sena, and your daughter. Let someone look after you for a bit prayers for your speedy recovery.  

Samantha. Is there not a bereavement leave or sick time u can take for work,  you clearly are not ready to return. And the last thing u need is the phony concern of coworkers.  Sometimes you just need to be alone with your sadness and then other times you need to be on this site where we all understand and will hold your hands.  Luanne

 

 

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hearthurt1013

Hi Everybody: I am online working and doing research for a client today. I have no idea how I am getting through this, though. My wife and I are fighting some kind of low grade bug and I feel kind of funny and not quite with it. Of course, being up and down every night since last Wednesday may be contributing to this. I have year round allergies so I know that they are part of this with the air being so dry in our apartment. I had a client come by yesterday and he couldn't take a hint that I am not quite with it. After the ball game ended on Sunday, my wife fell asleep, but I simply couldn't fall asleep and stay asleep. Our family doctor gave us a referral for a local support group, but I have so much going on, I don't even know when I can schedule it. It is amazing to me how people just assume that my time is their time to waste.  I know I sound cranky today...hopefully I'll feel better a little later. I hope you all have a peaceful day.

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I will say this again...most places of employment do not have at all a satisfactory family leave system in place...my girl died in the summer and I am a teacher, so I was able to have time to grieve, I was able to be alone and quiet for 5 more weeks before school began so I was lucky in that circumstance, but those of you going back to work so soon after losing your Sweethearts??? I know we all need to work, we can't afford to lose our jobs, but it is glaringly harsh to think of what amount of days I would have had off had my girl died during the school year: 4 days for family grief days. FOUR DAYS? Are you kidding, then what? Then my heart and mind are supposed to be able to deal with the day in day out mundane pieces of life? Oh my goodness, or what if you are a doctor or nurse? Are you suddenly supposed to be able to have all of your skills sharp when you are in early grief? How when we rarely sleep or understand how the world even can still spin when our world crumbled...perhaps what I will fight for in my retirement is a just and fair family grief piece written into companies human resource sections. Goodness knows Samantha and Everyone, to go to work and hear the laughter and phones, and conversations and stories, all that were fun to hear prior to losing our Child...are a terrible noise in our ears... a horrid noise taking up the space in the room that needs to be for our grief. It isn't the fault of those we work with or anyone else, it is a fact of this kind of grief. It really comes down to time, which becomes such an abstract factor in our lives when we lose a Child. But no matter what, we need time. Margee, I think the reason you actually gave thought ot the date and time like you did is because many of us find the crazy connections to numbers and times when we go through a loss like ours.

 

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Oh my goodness,  I know what you mean. I received 3 days,  with holidays and weekends I was able to be out 2 weeks. 2 weeks only because she died right before Christmas,  lucky me. of course I could take unpaid time but we are paycheck to paycheck as it is. Cant use short or long term disability.  The best they offered is I can use any empty office if I get overwhelmed.  Most days I put in my headphones and ignore my coworkers cuz I can't handle the laughter and cheer.   Just feel like a humbug.

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niquesmom sorry your job cannot give you time off that is awful so uncaring. Well my friend you use that office anytime you need. Headphones are excellent so you dont have to interact if you can't manage that and also is a bit of a barrier to stop others approaching you. Do your co workers know what happened? You are not a humbug you are protecting yourself and that is ok and totally understandable.

dee are you kidding just 4 freaking days??? Horrified beyond words. Here in the UK we are more caring and you can get paid leave for a few months them half pay for a few months. Unbelieveably I quit my job because of persistent bullying from two co workers and after 6 months of that behaviour I could not handle it anymore it made my life a misery. There were only the 3 of us in my toddler room so I could not get away from them. Then tommy was killed a week later so I had no chance of sick pay even though I had worked for them for almost 4yrs. Eventually I was able to get small benefits and my parents helped with my mortgage and bills until I was better. Then i broke my ankle and have not been able to find work because of all the ongoing surgeries. Oh well that is life we all know the s..t it can throw at you. One thing for sure I know nothing I will face in the future can ever compare to the devastation of losing my boy.

lou sorry you and your wife are not well. Grief is hard on the body too and stress and depression lower the immune system so take care.

leah get well soon I am thinking of you.

samantha is there no time off for you at work? I do not blame you for not being able to be part of what is going on around you when you are so sad and struggling to keep your head above water. It must be so hard. What a sad sign of the times that we all live paycheck to paycheck and are unable to have time off when you are at your weakest mentally and physically. We are here for you to share your feelings and anger and sadness as we all know how you are feeling this is much better than hearing stupid comments from those who do not know what to say or are tactless.

margareet you are not crazy you are grieving. Yeah I know I wanted to drown out the world wishing I could drink myself stupid or be able to have drugs that would put me out of it all but sadly that is not the answer it has to be faced and it is so hard. Know we are here to help you ok? That poem is lovely. I do not believe in God anymore but I do know my son will come and get me at the end of my natural life. Our kids are still with us by our side we are invisibly forever linked by love. Your precious girl must be lost without her twin as they usually have a strong bond, and losing a sibling is hard enough. I cannot answer why your jason was taken we have all asked that question but I am sure his passing was very quick.

dianne thank you for your very kind words. I don't think I am all you said I sometimes feel like a failure because i was not able to be strong enough. For those with children still at home mermaidtears (sorry my brain is all fogged up so I cant remeber names even though we are friends, many apologies)is right you need to take all the help you can to be strong for them as they need their parents more  after the confusion and fear of losing their sibling. I live alone my kids were all adults and two had left home and living in different cities when it happened. My ex was causing all kinds of upset with them (we have been unable to find any peace with each other, there is still anger and bitterness which we deal with by not being in touch at all for the sake of the kids) and they were all over the place too. This loss is also a lifetime of inner sadness for siblings too. The screen shots/quotes are so apt I love seeing new ones thanks.

sherry I appreciate that you, along with several others spend time here giving care and support to others who are newer to their grief journey your insights are really helpful.

louann it is good when I see you offering your help to newbies that will help you with your healing too and in time you can look back and realise how your mindset changes over somethings and see you are definitely making forward progress.

I wish you all a good week, hugs

 

 

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I hate TUESDAY'S.   Week 2, 14 days, 336 hours, since my Jason died. Still no death certificate so that we can take care of the business issues....that should be fun.....NOT.   Actually, 336 hours is exaggerated.... only 321 hours.   I am not going to count the bloomin' seconds...that would be extreme, even for me.   I managed to collect the many green plants that were sent to us and watered them.  Took all of the stoopid bows off of them.....I would propose that florists NOT put bows on plants or flowers for death condolence's.   None went to a cemetery because we decided on cremation.  Our plan is to scatter Jason's ashes on his grandparents grave in Alabama.  I am keeping a small amount- why and where, I don't know yet.  

He was very close to his grandparents and his twin lives there.  Like a child, I keep visioning Jason sitting near God's knee and they are talking.  I want to Herat what they aww saying.  That is all.     Margarett 

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My girl is in heaven

I read this somewhere. I would imagine this would be the highest a grieving parent could ever expect to soar.  Wish I was there but gives us all something to aim for:

 

One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go what you can’t change.  

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My girl is in heaven

And this is what we should all do to all the friends and family who have been; uncaring, mean , nasty, hurtful, selfish, uncompassionate, unkind, thoughtless, insensitive, and whose ONLY thought when we lost our children was “phew, glad it was thier kid and not mine”.  

 

I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry,  and accept an apology I never received.

Stop planting flowers in peoples yards who aren’t going to water them.  

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SAMANTHA ANT'S MA

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I AM DOING ON THIS SITE I AM STILL TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT THANKS TO ALL & I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THIS SITE.

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Samantha, this site has helped me tremendously. Sometimes, I read and sometimes I post. I think you are in the foggy part. February 21st will be 11 months since I lost my 19 year old daughter. Please keep coming. 

Tina

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I wish I did't have to find this forum, but from reading some posts, I'm glad I did.  My smart, loving, talented and super entertaining only child died from an accidental overdose in April 2017.  As you all understand I was devastated. His name is Ian and he was just 30 years old.  He called me Mothership which I became very fond of.  He has always been the light and love of my life and to most anyone else who had the pleasure of meeting him.  Ian struggled with life once he hit his teens. Oh he had numerous friends, got by in school, worked some but just never seemed to find his place.  I naively thought he would grow out of it with love and support and just growing up. He attended a rehab when he was about 24 and we thought things were getting better. We were wrong. He would have good periods and bad and they were easy to spot. We offered help so many times in the form of paying for counseling etc., but he would never accept. He didnt want "need" to be medicated and he "wasnt a talker". I moved back to my home town after he graduated and moved out of the house because he didnt need rules. I wanted him to come with me but he chose to stay in Wisconsin (his dad and lots of family/friends there. We saw each other a couple times a year and talked often. The last time we spent together was Oct 2016 and we hiked and spent the weekend together. It was nice but I knew he wasnt doing well.  We left each other pissed but worked it out because we always did. Then I got "the call" on a Monday night, months later. His coworker found him in his apartment.  The funeral was beautiful and the next 3-4 months a blurr and still fuzzy.  Its hard to turn off my brain. Work helps during the day ( I was fortunate enough to take 4 months off).  But often, as soon as I get in the car, grief takes over.  My head understands all I've read about the grief coming in waves and all the other emotions but my heart....!  A couple of times I thought I was having a heart attack.

We had a custom made bench put in the park he hung out at, by our house, and had a celebration of life on his birthday in September. It was beautiful. Although during the process, I cursed that bench. 

Christmas was hard because it was our favorite time of the year together. Surprisingly, the new year was even harder.  I thought I was going to completely lose my **** one Friday night.  Crying, screaming, pacing , unable to stop the racing thoughts. I live alone but have some awesome friends/family that are available anytime.  I felt crazy, like a burden; what could they say to bring my beautiful boy back? I ended up calling Ians aunt (who he was close to) and felt much better.  In my madness I just kept saying "I want him back!"

I guess the last 8 or 9 months has taught me this will NEVER go away and at the most random times that mighty wave CRASHES in to me. I miss everything. I also miss the future that should have been.  Once, I actually thought, he is finally at peace.  But I want something I can't have-Ian at peace, on earth.  He told me once that he always remembered what I once told him " you are only as happy as your unhappiest child."  Now I think, what does that statement mean now that my son is gone?

What brings me comfort...when people say his name and tell stories, wearing one of his shirts, having a conversation with him.  

People think Im doing well. If they lived in my brain for a day they would see a different picture. It amazes me how good of an actress I can be sometime.  My Golden Retriever, Ruby, knows the real Mothership.

Please tell me I will survive and anything specific that helps you endure the immense pain and sadness!

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TearsInHeaven

Not sure if this is meaningful or not but with several new people I thought I would share..... When I first lost my son I too felt like I CANNOT do this...I cannot live when he did not.  The pain was unbearable and the crying seemed to never let up.  The coroner kept him for weeks and we didn't get a death certificate for 6 months.  We were 1600 miles apart and unknown to me while he was being worked on to save his life I was a home in physical distress, thinking I was having a heart attack. Without knowing what was going on I was trying to stop what was happening on my end.  I got that dreaded call from the hospital chaplin.  It  was the day after Thanksgiving that year.Like I am sure you can relate to, I did not know if I was coming or going.  I cannot say that I remember all of that first year because it seemed like it lasted 50 years.  But somehow it is now 3 years and almost 3 months and I am still alive, still breathing and I will admit that crying still comes daily----even if it is just a few moments.  I miss him with every ounce of my being. Sleep is still elusive more often than not.  Nightmares about him seem to be this season's malady. If someone had told me---which I am sure they did-- that I could survive this long after the most devastating loss I would never have believed them.  But I did.  Somehow...life is different for sure. I think the first year I switched from devastation to believing it was not real and he was going to come through the door or call with the most wild story.  But, of course, he didn't. I will miss him and grieve for him all the rest of my days but every now and again I feel some light.  I just wanted to share that as my experience with my loss. For our new parents.  Grief work is hard and lonely but don't give up on yourself. I keep my Michael in my heart and I know you all do the same with your beautiful angel.

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Louann

I absolutely love this quote.  I am printing this and will read for strength.  Thanks so so much Louann.  

I never knew how strong I was until I had to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry,  and accept an apology I never received.

Stop planting flowers in peoples yards who aren’t going to water them.  

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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So may Newbies, I am so sorry for your broken hearts, I will write some tomorrow, going to bed, long day, but please listen as you read, read these posts outloud, these are the voices of other parents whose experiences are similar to yours, we are all on different timelines but all here for the same reason, we lost our Child. Devastatingly sad, and a lifelong journey, but it is a journey worth working through, that I do promise. At 14.5 years in, I still talk to Eri outloud daily, and I feel that she hears me. It makes my heart glad to talk with her, it makes my heart beat the right way. It will not always feel as it does now, but it will always be sad, thing is, you will not always feel devastated, that will change with time and patience, and taking care of oneself. Your Children are shining their light for you, some days you will see it, other days it will just be dark, but when you see or feel their light, stand there and absorb that beam of them, let it fill you for that moment adn know if there was one moment of that sense of them, there will be more. There will.

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I was trying to watch a special on PBS, but found that I am unable to concentrate or keep up with the story.  I had a difficult conversation with Meredith ( Jason's twin) tonight as she was driving home from work.... another stoopid conversation about Jason's ashes.  She had requested to scatter them on his grandparents grave in Alabama..... then, she said:  ' maybe you want them to scatter in your flower beds that Jason made for you.'  Well, that hit me WRONG, and I got really quiet, trying not to let her hear me cry...... my first tears for him.  So, the conversation went south from there.  Somewhere on here I read that we should not take out our grief on our living children....I agree.  So in order not to upset her, I feel as if I am losing her also.  I really don't think I will be able to do this grief stuff.   I have basically been in A-FIB, with a heart rate 90-150.  I feel like crap, and I think I am getting a cold.  Oh poor,poor me.   

It does help to read some of the posts from folks who are further into this journey, but for what I see, one never gets 'over' this.  We can learn to cope, breathe, sleep, eat, and go on, but still alone.     Margarett 

 

 

 

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Margee, it is hard to focus again after so traumatizing event...our brains are changed, rewired in many ways after such a shock. It will take time to learn to focus again. I went back to reading books at night like I always had...it has always been my way of getting my mind off my own stuff, to read anothers' story, and even though focus was harder to maintain, it was good brainwork for me and also helped me find a bit of sleep as reading causes my eyes to tire. It was one habit that remained after Erica died. I also maintained my morning and afternoon walks, have always needed to walk a lot in order to find any peace in a day since I was little...(grew up in abusive household so this too was a way of coping). Those of us who lived traumatic childhoods, like myself and many others here, Samantha too with the loss of your Dad when you were so young...we tend to have PTSD with our loss.  Our brains were rewired with traumatic events as children, and then this terrible loss rewired us again. YIKES! So give yourselves time to find your focus again, you may find you are no longer interested in the shows or books or music that you used to love...time will shake some of this out, in the meantime, try something new to see if you can be disracted a bit by it. If you are not an outdoor lover, you may find a refreshing walk outdoors each day very beneficial.

Margee you made me laugh about not being able to spell, you and I have a lot in common already.

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peggy a sad mom

Doris I'm a little confused about how to use this web site to reply I hope u can see this thank you thank you I was so upset no one was answering me thank you again

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Hi Peggy,

It is a bit confusing but you will get it :) my profile name is Dnat if you ever want to search it and write or chat. Take care, Peggy... a lot of people care!!!

 

Hugs, Dori

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InHeavensKeeping

To me ‘grabbing hold of life’ is the act of getting up every day and doing something . . . anything. So many people can’t fathom that they will move forward in grief, but somehow they do. In my mind that is life pulling you forward – you get up in the morning and somehow you do it, one day at a time.  One day you look around and realize that life has pulled you further than you ever thought you would be.

Diane I really can relate to the article you posted.  I can remember when I first came to this site just slightly before you and Laurie posted the article on the mum who had lost her whole family, four children and her parents in a house fire I don’t know if you remember it ? But one of her coping strategies was “getting up and doing something” taking control and in doing this a small step forward. I can remember I was giving up and this really helped me I used this every night when I couldn’t bare the pain I got up and took control I did something anything to get through and I still do. 

 I just thought this might help our new parents. I can only say that this forum has helped me survive I never thought I would still be here, I had the 3 year anniversary in September, but with the support I’ve been given having someone to listen and understand has been invaluable to me and still is. 

I thought I’d share this  God Bless everyone Georgina xx

http://oncomingalive.com/posts/on-being-able-to-come-alive/   

 

 

 

 

 

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Hi. I'm new to this forum. I think I found the right place.

I lost my oldest daughter at age 21, December 17th/17.

She was the oldest of 5 children.  My life turned upside down the day the police officer came to my house to give us the news. We received a phone call to verify my address and wad told a policeman would be by the house shortly. Of course I contacted all my other children but couldn't reach my oldest. I instantly knew it was the worst case possible. Over an hour later the police officer arrived to which I said "you are here to tell me rebekah has died". His response was nodding. I will never forget that day as long as I live. We still don t know cause of death, waiting on toxicology reports. She was living in Alberta and we live in nova scotia. I had to have her shipped home for her funeral. The wake was the 22nd of December the funeral the 23rd and of course try and bluff the holidays for the other children.

Just trying to connect with others going through similar situations.

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