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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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My girl is in heaven

Tina.  You certainly have an artistic flare. That’s a perfect idea for Kiona blanket.  Everything going good at work so far.  Hope so.  Yes u have your two difficult dates coming up.  Often the build up to it is worse than the day itself.  I just had Kira’s birthday but took the pressure off myself to do something special.  That date will always be special to us moms no matter what we do on that day.  Glad Grayson is doing better. I wish the legal aspect could get settled for you. That must be a heavy burden to bear as well as your grief.  Hang on. Well help you thru March.  

Susan, Lesley, Leah, Becky, Kate....how r all you sickies doing.. on the mend I hope. Warm wishes sent your way.  

Dianne ..don’t really like watching the skills competition.  Just want the games back.  

Gone to soon and niques mom.  Am so so sad for your losses. They say god doesn’t give us more than we can handle but I wonder about that sometimes.  Walk with us we understand and can help you.

sherry we lost almost all our snow.  Looks like spring here...you got that too.

gretchen.  I’d love to see some more of your art work 

laurie and devianz...how are you guys doing good I hope. 

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Mermaid Tears

I am on the 5th year of my grief journey....we lost our beautiful...beloved...John David in 2012. No matter how many years have passed since we lost our SONshine boy....I still get such a heavy...sad...blow to my heart when I read of another parent finding this site....for they have lost a child. When I say child....it doesn't matter if they died in the womb...lived 2 hours....2 days....10 years....50 years....they are still your 'child'. This kind of grief is very hard and heavy...there are no side steps one can take....you simply must go through it....for there is no getting over it. When I found this site....I realized I wasn't going crazy...I was just in deep mourning. The other parents on this site let me know I could survive this....you must accept the fact there will be days when you go 3 steps forward...and 5 back...many, many days. You must learn to be very gentle and kind to yourself....and others....they have no answers, either....especially your family. Do not expect too much of yourself or others....do not try and look too far down the road...or too far back into the past. Take one day at a time....breathe....and you must let go of guilt and regret. All parents seem to have such a load of guilt...I think it is because we are wired...(at the birth of our child)...to care and protect our child. We as parents think we have such Super Human Control....but really....we have only Super Human Love.

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ben I am sorry for your loss. To find your precious boy deceased after a few days must have been horrific a very traumatising event that will be hard to get over. You are still very early in your loss but I am glad you have found us here and continue to post. Sharing although difficult is healing and to be in contact with other parents who have been in the same position is invaluable. Sometimes you do not get the right support for family and friends that you need because they can be tactless or judging. Here we have all lost a child/children and even if the circumstances were different we all have that common bond of mourning and struggling with grief. It is also good to have a male perspective as men and women grieve differently. Fentanyl I believe has almost overtaken heroin use and is incredibly potent which accounts for rising accidental deaths. I understand that with ongoing police investigations etc you have to be careful with what you post, and hope that the dealer is found and held accountable. It is the dealers who need to be brought to justice they prey on vulnerable people often getting them drugs laced with something else to make them addicted and profiteering whilst causing death and destruction to families. Sadly mental health is underfunded so some people "self medicate" to deal with anxiety, depression, mania, ADHD Bipolar etc instead of being guided to safe more carefully controlled medication along with therapy and support. My son Tommy had just turned 24 when he was killed. He went out onto a ledge 14 floors up in a dorm building to save his suicidal young friend. They both fell whilst climbing back into the building. Tommy died from his injuries soon after his friend survived with critical injuries and over 2 yrs on is doing fairly well. You know addiction yourself so must realise there is nothing more you could have done for your son. Each dose taken could be the final one, you could not possibly have done more to prevent what happened to Nick. It is just a sad sad case of accidental overdose and heartbreaking. I am glad your other son is such a support to you and your wife you need all the help you can get especially in the first year. After that it does get a little easier as your brain recognizes they are truly gone but not a day goes by that they are not missed. there are ups and downs in grieving it is not an easy or straightforward path and out of nowhere it can hit you aall over again months or years later. communication and selfcare is key toward future healing, being able to pick apart each aspect and dealing with the trauma until you reach a place of more acceptance.

tina love the shadow box it will be perfect. March will be a tough month for you with her birthday and angel day coming up. Tommy's are both in the same month too it is hard. I hope you have success with the wrongful death suit it must be hard to deal with people thinking she had too much to drink and being judgemental but sometimes getting justice does not always happen with perpetrators getting away with it.

I am doing ok pretty much stuck on my couch recovering. hopping with a walking frame really tires you out and then the good leg hurts because it is taking all the weight and is tired! My family are great at looking after me. I see the surgeon again in feb to discuss what he did and my recovery. It may be shorter than expected if it heals well. That has been the problem all along my bones do not heal coz of the osteoporosis they just get arthritic and rub causing ongoing pain and swelling etc. It is what it is I always say!

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happy birthday Forest! What a handsome young man he is. I hope you are able to give your family a sign to help them with this bittersweet day. They had you for 28 wonderful years but it is never long enough and they miss you. hugs Gretchen

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TearsInHeaven

Happy Birthday, Forest.  Shine some comfort down on your mom.  This has always been and will always be a special day between you and your mom.5a7096eb459e1_heartandclouds.JPG.55c4b8bdbf5c4d94b91d086dc0aaf446.JPG

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FOREST! YOUR BEAUTIFUL DAY! Please sweep in like the wind in your Mom's life you have always been, and spin her round to dance with you, hold her close and put that precious smile in her heart for all of time. Happy Heavenly Day Forest, now go dance with my Daughter...

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Susan, such good words spoken from a grievers heart. Love the screen shots too...How are you feeling today?

Lesley, glad to hear that you are also healing...it must be difficult to hopbble about on your walker or crutches...take it as easy as your doctors want you to, and may your bones heal better than ever before.

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My girl is in heaven

Happy heavenly birthday dear FOREST.  

 

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May you feel your sons presence today Gretchen. May god lift the veil a little to show your wonderful Forest celebrating with all his angel friends. Be strong.  We will see our kids again someday.  

 

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Lesley---thanks for the screen shot that ended with "the love we shared".  That one

sentence says a whole lot.  Yes,...the love we shared with our darlings who left this

world too soon can never be changed, altered, or taken away from us.  It is our comfort

and our treasure forevermore. Our Angels are always with us, and we will see them again.   

 

HAPPY    HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY........FOREST.......ANGEL   IN   HEAVEN.

 

 

LouAnn------I understand your feelings of guilt.  We, as parents, feel that we will always

be there for our children....to guide and protect them. and, when the tragedy of our loss

strikes us,  we do have so many questions that swirl around in our minds, and the guilt

sets in.  We think that there must  have been something....somewhere along the line---that

we could have done, but the tragedy struck, and we are left to deal with all the pain, devastation,

 wild shifts and roller-coaster emotions .   It just ends up that breathing in & out and taking the

small steps each day....along with the stumbles and deep dark places----that we slowly proceed

in finding a new way of life without our dear children.  As you say,......you could not have known

the outcome of your daughter's health problem. I, so , understand, though about the guilt. 

I think we all have it , and it is hard to deal with. The rock on the back will become lighter as it

goes to a stone in the pocket. Peace to you, friend.

 

Tina------thanks for posting the pic of the shadow box that you made for your dear daughter's

blanket . Such a nice way to remember her.  After my David passed, I found a paperback that

he had been reading, and the bookmark that was placed in it about halfway through the pages.

It was a sad reminder. A small thing;  but I cried & cried when I found it.  Our dear children's unfinished

projects,  and indeed unfinished lives, serve as painful times to face.  Glad to hear that your son

is doing better.  Dear Kiona's spirit will always be with you.

 

WISHING   PEACE   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

 

 

  

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You Guys, please listen to these words but have some tissues handy...when we went to see Hamilton the other day, this song was sung after Alexander Hamilton's son was killed in a duel...I wept at the amazing way that this song allows grief, the way the actors and the play itself captured grief so well in so short a time...amazing.

 

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Niquesmom----I, so, understand about the crying, and the way it feels when we

don't cry.  We STILL miss our children....always will. If we're not crying, we are

taking a tiny baby step forward on this grief road. Peace to you, friend.  

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Sherry, some strong words that will assist those newer than us on this old road. This old dusty road. Interesting that the bookmark had that effect on you, it would me too, but I wrote a story about a dad who died suddenly, and it is called, Where Dad Left Off, because he and his Son read every night together and the bookmark remained in that place until the boy was able to find his way to finishing the book without his actual dad sitting next to him...it's a kids book about grieving.

Tina, your shadow box is a great idea, a storage of one's loved artifacts. A keeper of important pieces of our Kiddos.

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hearthurt1013

Hi Folks, Hearthurt here. This process is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I do not expect a response since I left so abruptly. That was unacceptable and rude of me. My wife and I are continuing to fight and her glucose numbers for the last straight week have been outrageous. Between feeling like crud because of the upper respiratory infections and the grieving process, it makes her sugar crazy. I suggested we find separate quarter because I am trying to maintain some sence of normal, yet I can't seem to grieve according to everyone else's schedule or timetable, in fact people around us have not only not backed down and respected our privacy, they have actually ratcheted UP the pressure for me to be a nice guy, people pleasing ACT when I am busy with work or I am just too damned tired to be there for others. I am tired of being treated like crap by people who portend friendship and then use us whenever it suits them. When I call the misses on her aberrant behavior, I get told off. When I request help around here, just to maintain hearth and home, I get told off or flipped off. Thanks for listening. I feel like I am battling this by MYSELF! I'll check in later before I go to bed.

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Thanks everyone i'll be back again soon. Dee I really hope Forest has found Erica. I know they would dance up a storm.

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Hearthurt, I hope you find your steps...whether here or not. It takes great time and patience, by us for us...and it also takes patience by us for others as they are not in our skin, they do not know how it is to be us, to be the parent of a Child who dies. Nope, we don't want them to know, but because they cannot, they cannot possibly know how to be around us, so it takes our gentle but firm words: I am grieving, I do not want you to expect out of me what you used to be able to count on...I am not that person anymore. I am finding my steps and I need time and space in which to do this.When folks ask what they can do for you and your family, tell them what you need: grocery shopping, cleaning service, someone to sit with your wife while you get out for a while...whatever it is, within reason, let folks help. It is hard for me to let others help me, but I did do a bit of accepting help when grief was new. Not too much because I needed to know what I could handle, so shopping and taking care of the house and garden were still what I could do and wanted to do...to keep some sense of normalacy. There is no timetable but I need you to be much more patient with yourself cause you started out saying that this was a lot harder than you thought it would be...how would you ever have known??? And so just like others, how would they ever know?

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Gretchen, I am glad...I do think they danced and sang and played music that bounced off the stars and clouds...

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My girl is in heaven

Lou, no need to apologize. People come and go all the time. Sometimes people just read or take a step back.  That  is all ok here. The strain of losing your child shows up in every aspect of your life.  And you grieve around your time table and how u are feeling, not anyone else’s.  There will be lots who will try to tell you at what part of the process you should be at or how long you get to grieve.  It took me six years to finally stop wondering if any one was going to remember her birthday or check in on us once in awhile.  Cause it just wasn’t going to happen.  As heart breaking as it sounds if it wasn’t thier kid, they don’t care at all.  Just a few phony days at the funeral time but that’s all.   I hope u and your wife can work things out.  Grief is definitely a strain on your marriage as u grieve in your different ways.  Grief is a very lonely place at times, even when we come together at the end of the day it’s just u and your grief. Come here anytime.  U will always be welcomed.  U grieve in your time and your place.  Don’t let anyone take that away from you.  Stay strong my friend.  

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hearthurt1013

It is affecting every part of my life,physically, professionally and emotionally. I had to tell a neighbor the other day I would not help him and he got really pissed off. I told him that I was having a bad day and I was promptly castigated like I was a 12 year old child who didn't do his homework and that I was "milking it , rude and just plain lazy"! He was damned lucky I didn't stretch him out with a well placed jab to the nose. Lazy...Milking It?!, If he wants rude, I can show him rude! How dare anybody tell me, my wife or family how to grieve, in what order and when. My sleep has been really awful. I have been up and down all night long for over a week. When I don't sleep, I can go from zero to jerk in 1.5 seconds. We finally had dinner at 8 PM which for us is way too late. The loneliness in this process at times is palatable and you are right....since it wasn't their kid, but jeez Louise...if it was look out. This irritation comes from a man who lost his son 18 months ago to suicide, yet everybody else is garbage and supposed to be there for him when he needs something, but if you need help, he tells you no and to go pound sand. I refuse to put up with anybody's BS anymore. Good night. Hopefully, I will be in a better mood and perhaps even, human, tomorrow. Thanks for listening to my tirade.

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Lou, of course grief of a young one affects all things. How could it not? Our children are our lives in so many ways, trying to find pieces of your life to mend together is what comes next, but the new shape of things will never be what and who you were, you can live a very good life again, I swear, but there comes a lot of work and time...healing and grieving are processes...think about any process a child has, learning to walk, learning to string words together to make sentences, learning to read...all of it a process, one thing has to occur before the next, and often we see them struggle and repeat one or two or more of the phases of the process before moving forward with new strategies...we are like this, only grief is a life-long process and one that we need to learn about in order to cut ourselves and our loved ones some slack. All processes are worth the time needed to travel them.

EVERYONE- listen to the song from Hamilton I posted yesterday, listen to those words, they captured how life changed when Alexander Hamilton's son was killed, the song, which makes me weep, captures how we change from the experience.

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hearthurt1013

One of the things I have noticed is that the children we have, for lack of a better term, "adopted" (i.e., my best friend's 6 year old daughter and the two little ones from downstairs) have been the ones that seem to love us the most, don't demand and are just a pure joy to be with. I would say that they are as instrumental in helping us cope with this. In many ways, the other adults could take a lesson from the children. My wife tells me that the 6 year old "adores" me. Every time she sees me, she loves to play with me and climbs all over me, but, I always make sure she gets her homework done when her mom or dad ask me to. We have known her since she was a baby and we are more like Godparents to her than anything else.  The other two kids like to spend time with us in the kitchen so they can learn about cooking. They also like having slumber parties with us so they can watch spooky movies and I think that's it...I feel more of a connection to my own children from when they were innocent with their whole lives ahead of them when the kids are around.The nights are the worst for me because I feel my sleep slowly but surely being destroyed. What is the point in my wallowing in this? It is not like I can bring him back, BUT, Our Lord teaches us that worry will not add to the longevity of our lives. My mind knows this, but my heart can't understand any of this. Have a great rest of your day folks.   

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Lou, you are one month in...one month and one day. Some layer of shock has maybe worn away, there will be more, they shed in layers over time so that you are not all at one time forced to feel the breadth of this pain...it does get worse and you need to know how to find ways to allow it. Sleep was totally elusive for the first year and a half for me, on and off. I am glad that being around children helps, but remember to have some alone time too, it is important to have that time to just grieve.

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hearthurt1013

We went to the doctor today and they knew something was wrong )they didn't know what happened until today) so we got a referral for a support group.Also, please be careful...the number of people wearing masks because they were so sick was amazing. I know, physically, that this process really takes a toll on us physically and I don't want anyone getting sick. I can't take a flu shot because there are trace amounts of mercury in them and I am very allergic to it. The last time I got a flu shot, I wound up in bed for 3 weeks only to find out I am allergic to the mercury content.  

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hearthurt1013

Dee...you are right. When I am plugged in working on line, I am OK.  It is night time....that's the worst. My own grieving is (and I am sure you'll agree on some level) a private matter. What really infuriated me was the cold, callous and un-feeling manner of some of the adults around us. The girl's parents have been very supportive and loving (that is where their children learned) and haven't pressed us for a darned thing. The very first thing our friends told us is that they have no idea how this feels and that they would be there should we need them. One of them is fighting Stage 4 cancer and she has more strength than the bozos who demand everything, yet return nothing.  She, her husband and the kids don't make promises like I will call you, only to not call, etc. My best friend and his wife with the 6 year old took us "prisoners" last Wednesday so we weren't so lonely and blue...it really helped. I tell you...it is bad when I tell people I am busy with work and they interrupt that process, but when I tell them that this is a house in mourning and they not only want the same from us like nothing happened, but demand more and more in the most rude and bellicose fashion one can only imagine, I find it to be absolutely amazing. I really want to know if they have a moral or ethical compass or is it something their parents never taught or provided them. I told my wife that he is gone and I should have been there to help him. She reminded me that there was nothing anyone could have done. I told her, with a lot of seething and vinegar in my voice, "I don't care."  I told the doctor this and she referred us to a local support group and I told aher about this site. I am tired today because my sleep last night was disrupted by the game I euphemistcally call "ELEVATOR"...up and down all night long. On top of that I was attacked by my wife while she was sleeping. She calls it the Italian elbow...well I caught that right in my ribs. I told her about it and she apologized. I told her not to worry...we don't know what we do in our sleep. I am a light sleeper anyway because duty is a good trainer....especially when one has had children. Every time one of the kids called out for one of us....nine times out of ten, I responded, especially because one of our daughters was prone to night terrors. I cannot tell you how many times we would go to sleep, only to have me woken up, gone in to her room, comforted her and wound up sleeping the rest of the night with my daughter.

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TearsInHeaven

Lou, I am glad to see you able to return.  I can tell you that I never knew grief until I lost my son.  Yes, I lost parents and a few friends but, maybe something is wrong with me but complete grief hit me 11/28/14.  Bad childhood but that is another story.  What you are experiencing with "friends" is something most of us can relate to at one time or another.  A lot of friends who have children find it too difficult to be around, others feel genuine empathy for us during the early days but they go back to their lives and don't really have anything to relate to.  On one hand, good for them, on the other we are just looking for a human touch on our hearts.  Every now and then you find such compassionate people like your friends with the 6 year old. Without experiencing this type of grief people mostly have no idea what this is like. Sleep, well sleep is an elusive thing. Sometimes I still only find that I sleep a couple of hours. I just recently went through two straight weeks of nightmares about my son. I am 3 years and two months on this journey...I used to work 10 hour days and worked from home.  But with sleep issues I would fall asleep early then be up for the night.  I didn't want any part of medications but I will say that every now and again when my nights string together I use an OTC Simply Sleep  I never take it two nights in a row but sometimes I know I just need that oblivion of sleep. Just hold the thought that every day you get through is a day you had the strength to do it. None of this is easy and grief doesn't come with instructions.....one day at a time.

 

For the new parents here I am sorry you found the need  to be here since that means you lost a child but know that this is a good place to find compassion and understanding.

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hearthurt1013

I am not patient with me at all. I was raised in a military style family. My father was an Airborne Ranger in Korea. My children NEVER feared me, because I am so affectionate, but I am also very tough and a hard man when it comes to discipline, especially self-discipline. I expect things to happen rapid fire, in a logical order and on schedule. This experience for me is alien and I find my reactions unacceptable. My ability to control my own feelings and emotions is going downhill. This could have deleterious consequences for my work (fortunately I am a freelance writer and am my own boss) becaue of my inability to concentrate at times and my ability to maintain my marriage is being compromised. This is an unacceptable risk and that is why I am glad the doctor gave us a referral. I will not use psychotropic meds. I have used them in the past for depression, etc, but the side effects were horrible and it took me months to get back to normal. The lack of sleep makes it worse.

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Time for some Elizabeth Kubler Ross...she really has the best advice about listening to your grief...

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Hi all.  I was doing my med pass yesterday with a nurse watching. During a lull in inmates coming to the window, she commented on my necklace. I stood shocked for a minute wondering what to say. I finally told her it holds my daughter's ashes. She asked about her and said it was a pretty necklace. I had to be careful not to say anything with inmates within earshot. I don't want them to use it to manipulate me. 

Then later in the evening, oh about 8 pm while I was waiting for the person to come to pass bedtime meds (I take my test tomorrow so I can pass on my own), one of the diabetics was brought in by a CO. Her blood sugar was a tad high for her but an extreme far cry from being serious. Well, she ended up having seizures. When we went onto e-care (used for emergency when nurses are not available), they asked for her birthday. She stated 3-21. I forget the year because I was frozen thinking that on your birthday last year, my daughter died. I eventually was able to step out of the room and recoup.

The nurse that commented on my necklace, we were talking about my son and his anxiety and depression and how I learned that his cutting (if he is) is a release and a step in not committing suicide. I need to talk to him and explain, I don't condone it but I will Help take measures so he doesn't get an infection. He hasn't wrote more about that in his notebook but has been wearing a bandaid on his arm. He says the cat scratched him. It's his left arm and he is right handed. Seems to me he would have been scratched on his right arm. Anyways, she mentioned that there is a group called Lemon Tree in town that works with anxiety and not thinking too much about the future and depression, not thinking too much about the past. Living for the moment and day at hand. Its about meditation. I'm going to see what the cost is and bring him with me. I think it will do him a lot of good. And it couldn't hurt me. 

Well, I better get to doing some studying.

Peace and love

Tina

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My heart just breaks for all on here.  I also have been told this will pass. How totally stupid it is to be told that the feelings from the death of a child will pass. Lessen hopefully but never pass.  My son Michael died November 7th 2017.  There could be no Thanksgiving.  No Christmas. I couldn't even take a bath or change my clothes for weeks.  I would just stand in the middle of the room screaming.  I still can't sleep.  I constantly relive that horrifying 3:am phone call. Today I wanted to call him and ask him to please come home.  Let him know I would make it all better.  Just like his boo boos when he was a small boy.  No more kisses on his head or I love you too Mom. I took a drag off a cigarette today after 25 years of not smoking.  It scared me because I immediately wanted another.  I really do pray we can find some comfort in each others willingness to share our sorrow.  I don't know how I would make it with out all of you.    

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hearthurt1013

I don't know how many of you this has happened to. My son visited me last night while I was sleeping. (My father and grand-mother did the same thing after they passed) He told me that he is OK, but is worried about us. When my wife was in a medically induced coma in 2016 for Kidney Failure, DKA, ARDS, Double Pneumonia and Sepsis, my father and hers visited her and told her to go home to me and that I need her. In light of our son passing away, maybe that is why she was sent back....to support me during this process. "There are more things in heaven and earth than all of your philosophies combined, Horatio." (Hamlet) Maybe...just maybe... 

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hearthurt1013

See the source image  This song is what I used to sing to him when he couldn't sleep when he was little. I can actually listen to it now without falling apart.

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" hey guys I have tried to redirect margreetx a newbie  to our thread and need you to write her some screen shots or something  that will help her do so, I am so non computer smart! Her post is "will everything ever be the same again" thanks.

lou I am glad that song helps you, whatever crumbs that bring us comfort are valued. I still have an aversion to listening to music yet all my life went to live concerts and always had music in my house. Now I prefer peace and quiet one day I hope it will bring me joy again in time. How good to get a visit from your boy I hope that he was able to reaasure you he is ok and give your wounded heart some peace. Yes he sees that you and your wife are under tremendous strain with his loss and your wife's ongoing health conditions. However it is up to the two of you to work things out your son can only watch and be by your side. Losing a child is like dropping a huge jigsaw and struggling to find where the pieces all go afterwards and the frustration of having the wrong piece or not having it fit in place. Also not getting an idea of the finished picture because too many pieces are mislaid. I believe someone else suggested marriage counselling to you before? It may be helpful to have a neutral person involved who can advise you both and help with communications when things are so raw. It is hard because one person may want to talk it out and the other not feeling ready needing to withdraw and process first.

michaelsmom glad you found us and can chat to a variety of people about your son and your loss. I am an ex smoker too but still reliant on the nicorette quickmist spray which I have now developed a dependency on! Better than cigarettes though. I still post on my son's Facebook and so do some of his friends. I talk to him often, particularly when I am having a rough day, that helps. It takes time to grow scar tissue and adapt to life after a loss, you need to be patient with yourself and say "One day at a time" and only tackle one or two things a day so you dont get overwhelmed. Sleep issues are problematic for most of us, I write things down before bed so my mind is less cluttered and just concentrate on breathing evenly, telling myself it is ok if I cant sleep coz I can catch a nap the next day. I do take sleep meds because I have a sleep disorder that started after I had severe Lyme disease many years ago. We all have had screaming nightmares reliving what happened to our children and to stop them you need to tackle them head on and talk through them. My bereavement counsellor and I did that for a few months and they eventually went away. If you try and ignore them they continue because your resting brain allows your rigid self control to loosen and they creep in. Acknowledge the nightmares and repeat to yourself "This awful thing happened and I could not do anything to prevent it. I know I was not there but that is not my fault. He could not be saved from his injuries. I will allow myself time to cry if I need to. It will all be ok" Sounds ridiculous but eventually what you acheive with the repetition is giving yourself permission to grieve, and by allowing yourself time to go over the trauma it will lose its power over you and will not invade your sleep. Grieving is hard painful work, if you deny your grief and shove it down telling yourself not to think about it, all that happens is that it takes longer to heal and will resurface months and years later. You are doing absolutely fine where you are right now.

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hearthurt1013

For me, as having a BA in Music, music is a refuge and a real help, especially when I am feeling blue. It always has been. My son loved music as much as I do and I know the angels are singing to him now. It is my prayer that the angels are singing to all of the children that are asleep in Our Lord.

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My girl is in heaven

Lou.  I’m glad you had that visit from your son.  I saw my daughter once in a long green dress, standing against a wall but her eyes were shut like at the funeral home.  I think she was telling me she was ok, but I couldn’t remember for sure.  My chaplain told me once to picture my daughter with a gold string tied from her finger down to mine and she is pulling me thru each day.  I looked up and saw her in a red dress with gold trim, her hair was lighter and parted in the middle, slightly blowing in the wind.  But she was looking straight ahead and didn’t look down at me, but her face was peaceful and content.  That’s how I see her now.  I know one day she will look down and say it’s ok mom you can come now.  I’m glad you had that peace too. I have not listened to music since my daughter died.  I don’t really know why...at first I was afraid to hear Adele or Katy Perry, Kira’s music.  But I find any kind of music evokes some sort of feeling and so I won’t listen to any..except when I’m stuck in a store.  I even flick off tv commercials with songs.  My husband exact opposite likes listening to all kinds of music. I guess he gets some comfort.  So he just keeps turning up the volume on the computer and I keep trying to drown the sound out with the tv.  I love that song you sang to your boy. A sweet memory to cherish.  Like somebody said u take any crumb of comfort u can find.  

Lesley hope your healing well just in time to plant spring flowers I hope.  I am glad January is over. Can’t believe my dad will be gone a month tomorrow.  With Christmas, my dad passing, my family dumping on me and Kira’s birthday, I hope February is a little calmer.  Glad u got your parents to nurse you.  I would come help u if I could.  Take care

 

Tina.  I have had that too where that date just pops up out of nowhere. Even expiration dates on milk cartons. That does send a shiver up your spine though.  I hope u like your job.  Sounds very interesting.  I hope you and Grayson get some help from that group. It sounds like it would be good.  I know u have March coming up but we’ll be there to hold your hands for sure. 

Michaels mom. Yes you will have people say all kinds of hurtful and insensitive things.  I’m six years in and I layed around in my pjs for days and not showering or looking after anything last winter. It is an awful feeling. I know how bad you want to change what happened but we just can’t.  It might be hard to imagine now but with time and a lot of hard work you will find your footing again, although there will still be days where you will stumble and fall.  But we will be there to pick u up.  Don’t let anyone tell you how you should feel or for how long.  If they haven’t lost a child they don’t know what they r talking about. But please know u never have to walk this journey alone.These are all wonderful wise and compassionate parents, some who have been here a very long time but show up to help the rest of us.  Hugs to you my friend.  

Kate.  U been out to a lot of the winter festivities? They sound fun , but I’ll take a hot chocolate and I if I didn’t have to get groceries I wouldn’t come out til may.  I got myself hooked up to the nhl station.  But I’m almost getting nauseated flicking all over.  I kinda feel guilty though cause I did something to bring enjoyment to myself. Like others getting manicures or pedicures. I can get lost in hockey just enough to take my mind off things for a bit but then I think enjoyment should not be a part of a grieving parents life. I’m afraid she will look down and think I’m doing fine without her, which of course I am not.  So confusing.  Hope Ross is doing well and the little ones enjoying the winter.  

Dianne.  Yes I wish I knew six years ago that everyone would leave me in the dust.  I spent so many years saying where did everybody go.  I get it now though.  I love what you say we are looking for a human touch on our hearts.  I know I can always find that here.  But unfortunately not the rest of the world so much.  I have tried three times to go off sleeping pills in the last six years. I went for three weeks once with 20 min. Cat naps here and there.  I’ve tried every over the counter but I need a heavy duty prescription one.  I just don’t seem to have any natural sleep ability left.  I know it’s not good to take these for years like that but they r the only thing that gets me to sleep.  And as you guys know, sleep is often the only peace we can get sometimes.  

Dee, laurie, devianz, sherry, Gretchen, Georgina, Susan, Colleen, Becky.   How u guys surviving winter in your little corner of the world.  Have a nice evening everyone.  Luanne

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Music never ceased for me...still is my need day in and day out...in fact, if you want to listen to some beautiful music, look up youtube choir choir choir...these are short and beautiful videos of regular folks making music from the great songs from some of my generations greats: David Bowie, David Byrne...so many others.  Has anyone listened to the music I posted at the top of this page: It's Quiet Uptown, from Hamilton? It truly is cathartic, the kind of crying that helps me rinse some of my pent up thoughts.

Yesterday, husband and i babysat and when we returned to our Grandies house, in the playroom we went and my Erica's 8x10 was sitting on a chair looking out over the playroom. I asked little Erica how did Aunty Erica end up in the chair...she said, " we just wanted her there, but Grammy, why can't we see pictures of Aunty now?" I answered, " well there are no cameras in heaven..." Little ERica said, " but what if they need to take pictures, what if they see something they like or need to show us something" and I said, " In heaven, there are no needs for these things because everything is just so perfect as it is, no camera could capture that, we just have to believe. If Aunty needs us to know something...she will find a way to let us know."

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My girl is in heaven

Dee.  How precious.  The totally innocent observations of babes.  And such an excellent answer.  Big Erica was probably smiling from ear to ear.  What a wonderful grandmother you are.  

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Awwww, thanks...it's my favorite job outside of being Mom...

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hearthurt1013

I started singing, at the age of 4, Italian arias from different operas and Neapolitan folk songs. Then I became interested in woodwinds and orchestral and choral conducting. My degree is in music, however, I like rock and roll also. When I was in college many years ago, a bunch of us music majors formed a band and we did The Beatles, Chicago, The Eagles, Pink Floyd, etc., and that is how I supplemented my income. I did the lead vocals, keyboards and drums (when our regular drummer did the lead singing) and occasionally the bass guitar. It was a passion I passed down to my son. He learned piano and clarinet as well as singing. Music is what gets me through the bad days (and the good days).

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Just a message to say I am reading and thinking of everyone. I hope that all of those who are recovering from various illnesses will soon be back to their old selves.

Lou Ann, did you see the Jets game last night? Ross was glued to his chair at the end.

I agree that you are an excellent Mom, Gram and person Dee! I always love hearing stories about your little ones. I can picture then now. Are they still able to skate given the warm weather outside? It must be an indoor rink? I also agree with you about music. I walked around after Jeff died in silence for approximately two years. Could not listen to anything emotional. I have to admit that there are still triggers with certain songs that remind me of Jeff when I hear them. What is different now is that as much as I feel an ache in my heart... I also feel a strong connection to those songs now. Just a few days ago Viva La Vida came on by Coldplay.... and it stopped me in my tracks. He seemed close somehow.

Susan, Leah, Lesley, I hope you are all starting to feel a bit better. I am having what my mother would have called a Lucille Ball mood day. This flu is just plain nasty. They decided that I am high risk and are giving me a med called Oseltamivir. It saps the energy right out of me. Still... if it keeps the darned thing at bay... than so be it. An excellent day to drink hot tea and rest. 

Dianne, Laurie, how are you?

Tina, I am so glad that you are heading in the right direction with your son and yourself. It is a difficult step to take... but it looks as if that first one...which is so very hard... was finally met head on. Good for you. 

Legend says that hummingbirds float free of time...carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Their delicate grace reminds us that life is indeed rich...beauty is everywhere...every personal connection has meaning. Laughter is one of life's greatest creation. When we laugh we are filled with happiness and joy. I can picture those kids of ours now having a blast and enjoying that which filled their hearts with happiness. And laughing to their hearts content.

Love to All,

Kate :)

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My girl is in heaven

I was just thinking how I was so in shock for such a long time.  Not even a tear at the hospital or funeral home, nothing. My head knew but my heart was not going to let that in.  Weeks, months like that I can’t really remember now.  I just know how guilty I felt to show no emotion. What kind of mother doesn’t break down when thier child dies.  Yet I broke down when my dad died. But with Kira I guess it was like something so far off the radar scale I couldn’t even comprehend.  I had a totally emotionless response.  Just like walking Skelton with no inside. I can’t image what Kira must have thought if she could see me.  I worried so long after what people must have thought of me.  I don’t now though. They haven’t been in my shoes.  I asked the psychiatrist and he said tv glamorizes death with all the hysteria but it was just how my body processed.  That’s when I found out there is no hand book on loss of a child.  Nothing to tell you how your supposed to act. The reason I bring this up cause I was thinking about me detesting any kind of music.c.  Music evokes some kind of emotion, whether happy, sad, .  And I try to go thru my life as emotionless as I can.  I try to have a neutral reaction to everything if I can.  Not happy, not sad. I try to be like I was when Kira died, where your senses, feeling everything is dullened.  I love Kira’s kitty, but when I pick her up to hug her, I think no, just simply bend down and pet her. Just like your car is in neutral. I didn’t plan this out I have just kinda warped into this zombie mode.  And if I keep a distance from everyone that I can it will be easier when parting comes.  I guess I am just terrified to live again with all the emotions it brings. It’s going to happen again if god sees me being happy again.  Of course I had to break down when my dad died, I could not help it.  It actually is a lot hard work to live this way.  I guess I’m just afraid of getting too comfortable again.  It was my complacency that may have cost Kira her life..I’ll never know.  My husband had on the sound of silence...what grieving parent can listen to that song, yet for him it brings comfort.  Yup, sure no manual on how to act when your child dies.  

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I listened to the song that was posted from Hamilton, it was beautiful, thank you :)

I struggle with being happy, its hard.  I know nique wouldn't want me sad, but as I watch her younger brother I just remember her at that age.  I know time will help, but I need to be as close to the old mom that he had, he deserves that, he doesn't deserve to have a ghost of a mom.  I worry he will think I loved nique more than him, no way to explain my grief in no way diminishes my love for him.  I just want to sleep all the time, in the hopes I will see nique. I had a dream the other night, I was looking for her at her school, said "there you are" when I saw her and her response was "I guess you know I failed my class."  (she was trying to graduate high school, she was 1/2 a credit short)  My parents both visited me after they passed, so I am waiting for nique, I keep asking her to come but she hasnt yet :(  

This week was really hard, I took her personal belongings to the hospital for disposal as they were biohazard from the accident.  I did not want to keep them, knew it was not good for me to stare at those bags, some with her name and some Jane Doe.  But even knowing that, I felt like I was throwing her away.  I love her so much, its still hard to believe I can only hear her voice on a voicemail, only look at photos and videos.  I always worried about being an early grandma (I was 19 when I had her so figured I might be a grandma before 40) but now that has been taken from me.  I will not know if she would have been a good mom, I will not see what she would have done with her life.  I am crying as I type this. I think I will go to bed and wait for her.

 

Good night.

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CRying is good Niques Mom, even though it really doesn't feel good at this point, it allows you to make room in your heart for others...at least that is how it feels/felt for me when I havehave a deep cry. Early on, like you are, sleep and rest and comprehending what each day would bring was so hard to fathom...I listened to music though, I welcomed the tears as a means of communication somehow...that my tears were my way of saying how I was without having to talk. I just needed to listen to music, take a lot of walks, and cry and write and read, and due to the fact that Erica died in July of 2003,  and I am a teacher, I had the rest of summer break, had time to do those things. Being a mom of a young one does not allow you the time nor freedom you may need for grieving. I wish I could help you out with that. Your Son will not grow up thinking you love Niques more than you love him. When he is older, you will be able to explain how his sister died and how it affected you as it would any parent, and that you were concerned in giving him the attention he needed because it is hard to do that when you are sad like this. You will find ways to help him understand what pain you traveled. Does he ask about his Sissy? What do you tell him? I hope that you have a dream-visit from your Girl.

Louanne, I think that if you could  stop putting all feelings on hold, that if you allowed yourself the laughter and joy and deep sadness that we all have in our lives, that you would be regenerating energy... you might find that the energy you spend trying to stay in neutral zaps you, that you are depleting yourself and robbing yourself of LIFE, and that takes all that you have to give. Imagine listening to a song Louanne, and allowing the fits of tears and sobbing, what about that scares you most? Do you fear not being able to function again if you let these emotions free? I remember feeling that I may never stop crying, that I might never be able to go out in the world again, but eventually, my tears came when they needed adn then they would stop and I would push on forward, I also figured if my tears upset others when they roll down my face, that it is not my problem but the problem of those made uncomfortable by this emotion. Grief is a natural process and being afraid of more grief is also a natural reaction, but I know that flipping ones heart and  brain to neutral will only serve to exhaust a person. I wish you goodness.

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dee excellent words of advice to Louann. The reason you are still stuck in that same place Louanne is because you have not actually grieved fully you are holding yourself back when you need to let go. Ok you can cry but that is not all that mourning is. Mourning is picking apart each piece each sad or uncomfortable memory and dealing with it so you can put it away and it no longer holds power over you. That is what therapy does you are made to say why you feel the way you do or react the way you are and make moves to change yourself. It is scary opening upto someone showing your vulnerability and wounded self but with the right therapist you will gradually make peace with some things and with yourself. I know you said there is a waiting list make sure you are on it. Could anyone recommend any good self help books on grief for Louanne? or any websites that deal with delayed grief reaction? being terrified of life again is so sad you all deserve a life just try and put the energy you use in keeping yourself a prisoner into living. You have made good progress so far keep going!

niquesmom I know having to dispose of anything that belonged to your child is painful but is also necessary sometimes. Not everything has to be faced all at once so looking into a bleak future is not helpful for you. Taking it day by day and appreciating your little boy and family is still a gift that you have. I absolutely know that having other children is not anyway comparable when you have a spirit child. The depression clouds your mind to anything positive you find it so hard to feel joy with your child when you are always acutely aware of the one you dont have. You could write a journal of how you feel each day or write letters to your daughter telling her things, it can keep a connection between you and when your son is old enough you can share them with him to help him remember his sissy. looking back at a journal keeps a perspective it makes you realise that you are in fact making progress it is just slow progress. Grief cannot be rushed because then it stays unresolved and you will not have all the same feelings six or twelve or thirty six months on. Yes there will always be a loss, a sadness that her life did not unfold and progress the way it should have, but some feelings will be calmer, some thoughts dealt with and put away, some healing taken place.

kate I am not familiar with that medication is it an antiviral? get better soon drink tea and keep warm. I love hummingbirds, besides their beauty and grace, they are so energetic and full of life like our spirit children, never still. In Nature many creatures have a short life span as pet owners can attest and in the natural order of things sometimes they are taken too soon so it makes sense that not everyone will make it to old age. It is being able to get to the stage when we can think of our child and smile at the memories, listen to their music without tears but with an ache, tell our story to help others without breaking every time, and living the way our child would want us to not  separating ourselves from the world but doing something positive.

So exited for sun and the superbowl! Not a huge football fan but our home team the Philadelphia eagles are in the final and I want them to win so bad. They have not been in a superbowl before and deserve to win. Will probably get trounced by the expert Patriots but having hope is important. Ross and Emily are hoping to go to a sports bar where it will be televised and they can get some of the atmosphere and cheer on their team. Annaliese may watch it live in her flat. I will be at my parents still so I hope I dont disturb them by hollering and cheering!! I had to have my back slab cut off because it was rubbing and very painful them got a new full plaster cast put on. I chose green for the Eagles! Yep I know I am a crazy person but I will take what life throws at me and try to find something good about it when I can!

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GO EAGLES! We all need a new Winner in the US, so I hope your home team wins as well Lesley. I hope your foot is healing and that you regain more than you even hope...

Louanne, I don't want to tell you what you should do or not do, not my place, but I hate the thought of your not allowing yourself to engage in life and folks. There is a great book written by two moms, both who lost children...it is called: The Worst Loss, very good book, and another titled:  Don't Let Grief Ruin Your Life. When a friend lent me this book years and years ago, I was put off by the title, but it turns out to be a very good way to read and learn how to turn some of this around. I also love reading authors like Isabele Allende' who wrote about the death of her Daughter, Paula, and the book is called: Paula. She  wrote 10 years later about life since Paula's death, called: The Sum of Our Days. Both are just beautiful ways to face grief. Another book that I loved is by a woman named Alison Smith and her book is about the loss of her brother, suddenly, called: Name All the Animals. Remember that in all we do, our Angels are alongside us, rooting for us, knowing that we should and could find a way to live our BEST lives, engaging in love and activities and hope. Don't get me wrong Louanne, I am always afraid of the other shoe dropping, but i know that it can drop whether or not I am living happily or hidden away from emotion. So life is now, it is now.

Leah are you recovering? Gretchen, doing okay? Becky, anything new in your world? Sandy, how are you and Kelly? Georgina, how are you feeling these days.  Here is the good news, we gained 10 minutes of sunlight in just the last 5 days, so folks, the cycle of days and seasons shows us that there are natural cycles still in place even when the most unnatural thing took place in our lives...I find peace in that.

 

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This is Margeetx, still trying to get to the right forum.   Just ask my daughter...she will tell you that I am lucky to even know how to turn my iPad or phone on and off!   Heck, when I go to the Apple Store for help, they all run for their breaks !  I sat In The hot tub tonight, cried a little bit, and tried to clear my head..... did not work.   The hot tub sits beside my deck that Jason built... all by himself.  From 3pm until around 10pm tonight, I felt as if last Saturday repeated itself..... the funeral home, seeing Jason for the very last time FOREVER, then the gathering at Jeremy's house with family, friends food, some adult beverages, etc.   I wanted it to happen again.

why?????   

I wonder if I will be self diagnose when I go completely crazy.

 

 

 

 

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TearsInHeaven

Margarett, you got to the right place!

We have sadly had several new parents on various threads of this forum.  Lesley and Luanne have been so helpful and try to steer them to this group where we know they will find compassion and support.  I know you all have been a lifeline for me.

Dee, that Hamilton son was unbelievably touching to my soul.

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back in the hospital.. more surgery...  so sorry t have mixed Forrests Birthday..  Happy Heavenly Birthday

 

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I got my niece to bring my computer to the hospital.. not that i am all that strong to be on here.   I had another surgery on Wednesday....  makes three in a row...and I am beat

I was being good an listening... just things not under my control... I am fine and appreciate each of you here...  sorry.. I will write more another time.. just beat not sure when I get out...   part of me doesn't even want out....   

Pleace to everyone here....   thoughts and prayers going out

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Oh Brother Leah, I had a feeling things were off to not have seen you. I wish you only healing now, rest and healing and once and for all, good health. Glad your niece brought the computer to you so you could let us know.

Margarett, I laughed out loud when you said the APPLE employees run when you walk in...similar here...I am very tech-un-savy. But we make our way. I am glad that you found your way here, we welcome you in our supportive hearts and circle. We have a big circle and you are automatically a part of it, we simply take a step back to make our circle bigger. All of us remember our first times in this place, what brought us here was/is the shattered heart that never fully reforms as it was, but I promise, will reform. Sherry and I have been here for nearly 15 years, staying on to be a hand up like so many others here, like the hands-u we received when we first arrived in this terrible spot of loss. Tell us about your Boy, about his life and loves, about your life and we will also tell you about ours.

Dianne, I thought that that song really touched a heart-string for many who have lost a Child. I am going to write to Linn Manuel Miranda and praise and thank him for his amazing ability to touch a parents heart.

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