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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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niquesmom you made it to the one month mark well done you especially as every day seems impossible and insurmountable. You just survive one day at a time until you find your feet again. Do not beat yourself up it is so hard to carry on "as normal" when your world has been shattered. Do what you can each day, maybe one day you acheive a small victory and not the next small steps small steps. However long we have with our child it is never enough whether they died as a baby toddler teenager or mature adult we all wish desperately for more time with them that is normal because we loved them deeply and miss them. My Tommy also was challenging at times he had ADHD and bipolar disorder and was not medically compliant. He was a joker and could be disruptive and when he fell into a drug lifestyle was very difficult. Tough love comes into play and it hurts. He got himself clean and was doing well when he was killed and I am so sad he did not get to enjoy the sober life long enough to make a difference. His self esteem rocketed and he was happy but that is the way it goes. I know some ignorant people will say "at least you still have your son" but we know having one child missing is a lifetime of pain and adjustment. One day at a time ok?

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TearsInHeaven

Lesley,  your first snippet is the closest thing I have ever read that describes my feelings in the beginning of my grief.  I could not understand how anyone could just go about their business or talk about everyday things while this loss had pulled my feet out from under me and crushed everything around me.  I remember at first when I came on this forum that everyone was so kind and supportive but also talked about flowers, or weather or gardens....how could they????  Yet as things started to find their niche in my heart and head I realized how good it was to see other parents were adapting to THEIR loss and yes, life became more real.  I started to realize that while the comforting words and positive help, the understanding and compassion were so needed so was the understanding that life was real and if these parents were at least somewhat functioning so maybe there was hope that so could I.  Not sure that at that point I wanted to by any means.  But without seeing that I may have ended up in much worst shape.  Glad you shared that quote. Thank you.

Leah, good luck tomorrow. Think only of healing.

Kate and Susan, hope your health is moving in the right direction.

 Nique's mom, talking about Nique is the best thing you can do for your heart right now. Her spirit and her spunk will always be a part of her that you will keep safe within. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will.  I have a long way to go but after interacting with this forum I now find the word hope is not as foreign as it was. Grief does not come with instructions. It is up and down, through tunnels and a drop like a roller coaster ride. Hang on with both hands.

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi, I’ve bad news....

My oldest daughter is having problems heading for a divorce.  Their trying counselling. I feel so sad.  I don’t think they can come back from this. She hasn’t wanted to tell me they were having problems I thought she looked unwell at Christmas has lost so much weight black under her eyes.  I asked her thought things looked strained so sad.  

My youngest is progressing through her pregnancy she’s a very high risk due to her condition so lots of worry she’s being very carefully managed but I’m scared. Her partner is illegally here he works in London she’s going to stay here for a while has no job no money so life is hard for her.I just want her to be happy healthy and safe.  Why is life so hard? 

My grandchildren are my saving grace they give me comfort and love just two little hearts of pure delight.

I have had that horrible dread feeling again, been feeling overwhelmed  feeling the absolute enormity of it all, can this really be true? I just want the hurt to stop now just wish I could hug him and tell him how much I love and miss him xx

 

Kate and Leah good luck in your op your in my heart and prayers  xx

Susan I’m glad your feeling better hope your recovery goes well x

Francesca nice to see your post and that your home again x

Lesley I can understand how hard that must of been I have videos of James I still cannot watch  xx

Sherry Dee Diane thank you for the continued love and support your posts are the strength that keeps me taking my steps forward listening to you reading helps me so so much xx

Should of posted this last night but feel asleep  

love and peace to all xxx

Georgina x

 

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Happy Heavenly Birthday Kira.xxx

Louanne sorry to be late. God Bless xxx

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Oh Georgina, I am terribly sorry, I know how worried you must be for both of your Girls, one in an unhappy situation and the other in a high-risk pregnancy. I send good thoughts for them both, and for the Children. I am glad that your Girl and her Husband are seeking counseling, because even if they don't stay married, they may learn some good strategies as to how to proceed.

Susan, how are you getting on?

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I'm struggling tonight. My kiona's 20th birthday is coming up. Her 1st angelversery is shortly after. I think I've been in denial since Thanksgiving. Concentrating on other things. I'm not sure that was healthy. My son needs me. If I haven't been there for him, how am I going to be there for him this 2nd year????  My phone is going to die. Have to plug in in

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My girl is in heaven

Thank you all for remembering my birthday angel.( my family didn’t)  My husband and I went for a drive but ultimately decided we couldn’t go to cemetery. I so hope that wasn’t disrespectful but we had a very difficult time there last year and we just aren’t strong enough right now to go thru that again.  We drove up tp Aaron’s apartment with a pizza. When my husband wasn’t looking I said to Aaron cheers to Kira with our pizza.  We talked last week about her birthday and decided every day of our lives is sad it always will be but just two days of the year would be a little sadder than the other ones. It kinda took the pressure of the day off a bit. 24 years ago I was the happiest woman in the world.  My one true ultimate dream come true.....I had three kids.  Christmas, my dads death, losing my family, Kira’s birthday.  Phew.  I need to re-energize. It was so touching though all your beautiful birthday wishes and pictures. 

Tina.  God knows you and Grayson have been thru a lot.  Have you been able to get him a counselling appt. yet. I know how u feel, just had Kira’s birthday. I put so much pressure on myself to do something special on those days that I was so anxious and panicked by the time the day came I was a wreck.  Just do what ever feels right for you. Your her mom and you will always remember her birthday but don’t feel pressured there is a right or wrong way.  Look how far u have already come. I hope u have some time to connect with Grayson. U both need each other.  I hope maybe you can both get some counselling.  As ever we are all here to lean on.  

Susan.  Hope u have someone there to help you.  Very slow and easy for you.  

Leah.  Good luck with your surgery.  U need a good rest I’m sure. Hope family dynamics work out for everyone. 

Dianne and Lesley.  Oh yes I remember.  When we came back from the hospital the neighbour was cutting her grass and she knew what had just happened.  How could she? I remember for days just being in my pjs wandering from the front door to the patio door.  Looking at people walking thier dogs, tending to thier gardens, laughing.... just like nothing ever happened .. but I guess it didn’t to them.  That should have been the first clue to me that the world didn’t care. Instead I tortured myself for six years with the hurt and agony and the hope that somebody would ask about us, see how we are every once in awhile, remember Kira.  How can the sun shine and the birds sing when we just lost our kids? And I too remember coming here and somebody would talk about thier flowers or the weather and I couldn’t figure out how that could be.  But yes they were just showing us that while it is a different normal , the world was still turning whether we wanted it to or not.  Oh those days of pure shock for months before my heart could figure out what my head knew. 

Georgina. So sorry about worries with your kids. I hope everything works out for them.  That horrible dread feeling.......I feel that right in my gut, my stomach... it is the worst feeling in the world.  And I think only another grieving parent can feel like that. And I don’t know why life is so hard.  But I know so many many people our age and life has just been a bowl of cherries. Road paved with gold. I used to think if I’m real quiet and still maybe god will pass me over this time. Life just seems so lop sided with some of us bearing more than our share but guess that’s a question for god someday.   Does anybody have an answer for that dread gut wrenching feeling.  I know exactly what you mean Georgina it is all consuming.  

Dee.  You have so much energy, I get tired just reading what you do and I’m 5 years younger than you.  What’s your secret. U must be in really good shape.  Saw on the news with all the protest walks, good for you.  I don’t know much about your politics but I watch cnn a lot and it is so entertaining. Nothing exciting ever happens in Canada.  

Becky.   How r things going with you.

kate how did you do with your scan. 

Devianz, Colleen , Sherri, Laurie  and Gretchen.  Anything new with you guys.  How r things.

niques mom. You are so new on this journey.  I am so sorry there is always a new member.  U have come to a very good place for support.  We will be with you every step.  

well here we all go, trudging thru another year without our kids , but another year of celebrating when someone finds a step and hanging on when someone stumbles and falls.  I read somewhere that grieving parents are the strongest people in the world.  

 

 

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Tina, you will find a way to be there for you and for your Son...grief kept you in the state of shock for a while, it does that for us all, denial is one of the stages of grief. Tell your Boy that you are trying to find your way through this terrible grief, and that you want to find your way so that you and he can have a smoother time of things. I hope you can both go to see a therapist to help him get going on some help but to work wtih you too, so that you can join in the process. Prayers. Birthdays for some Folks is harder than Angel Date. For me, I adore the birthday of my girl, but the Angel Date just plain sucks. The build up is worse than the actual. Hold on to us.

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TearsInHeaven

Tina, my heart reaches out to you as you come to reach that first year marker date and head into your second year.  It can be pretty rough.  I thought of you when I saw this small article in one of the Chicago papers this morning.  There is a site from USA.gov that helps with depression for kids up through college. I thought of you when I read this. It talks about treatment options, medications options, counseling and helping parents and teachers recognize potential problems and how to reach out to the children.  It is www.usa.gov/features/kids-and-depression . You and your son have been through alot.  Maybe there is something there to help.

Georgina, I am so sorry to hear all that your family is facing. You have not had a moments rest. Know that your grief family here is sending you prayers and strength.

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tina that first year is so very hard to deal with as there is always a date ie two weeks since they passed two months six months etc etc it is soul destroying I feel for you. as time goes by other people move on as Louann said but we the immediate family will always remember because our family member was so loved. I remember at first not being sure if this forum was for me too because there were some happy posts and all I could see was black and misery. Now I am further on I see how important it is to read some positivty something to work towards because it will not always be so dark. If all the posts were anguish and sorrow I believe it would be counterproductive and drag everyone down. I know I am still saddened by some posts because they are such tragic stories of loss but I hope that like some of our older members do so well I will be able to offer small nuggets of hope that a brighter future can be there if you want it and work through your grief for it. Now this forum and online friends are a support I could not be without and I thank you all for being a part of it.

dianne so nice of you to share that link. The siblings left behind also struggle but sometimes more silently because they do not want to worry their already depressed parents. I just think its important to keep the communication lines open. If they share something with you tell them that you appreciate them sharing and if you cry it is with them not because of what they said. So important to stress crying is ok especially for boys/young men who are always flooded with subliminal messages from the social media that its unmanly. I for one would much prefer to be with a guy that is more sensitive and willing to share some vulnerability rather than a much macho type who fakes it through. It is a known fact that adult siblings can suffer from depression sometimes after several years because their coping is too much to handle. We all need some help at times but sadly the young adults do not see the benefits of counselling guess that old stigma and shame are to blame.

dee I find it so refreshing that you love your girl's birthday. I know it is a happy time because then we were given our child and i hope one day to be able to celebrate it. For now it is just a sad day, but nothing compares to the angel date, that brings on memories we would all like to forget.

georgina that butterfly pic was just gorgeous lifted my spirits. I am sorry that your girls are also without meaning to causing you stress and anxiety. No matter how old they are they are still our kids and we want to be able to fix their adult problems right?

as for me I have my sixth ankle surgery tomorrow and I really hope it works and I won't have this disability. Life has many things for us humans to learn and we learn more from bad things because they need the most thought and adaptation to. I have a whole new perspective on disability now which is a valuable lesson. We do not realise it at the time but we are all being taught valuable life lessons that will stand us in good stead for future problems, life builds resiliance. I will post again in a couple days when I feel able to, the strong pain meds do kinda knock you out a bit!

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Dianne, thank you for the well wishes... I also pray for you , you have come so very far and become such a valuable friend to us all.

Georgina.. I hope your girls get through all this, so many changes not only for us, but the loved ones around us, your a great mom standing next to them and being strong..(I hate the word strong.. but I believe it is my JaBoa who whispers it in my ears everyday)

Susan.. I hope you are doing as well as possible.

Lesley, good luck to you and your surgery.. so hard on a body..   

Kate hoping that you are doing well and thinking good thoughts.

Dee, Sherry, Coleen..  Gretchen.. Tina..   (not doing well with this.. keep starting over..  )

I am home, the surgery went alright...  I am so spacey..  time to hang up...  try to check in tomorrow..  keep having to redo this... Love to you all  thanks again for all the thoughts and prayers...  Bless you alll

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HOORAY Leah, now it is time to rest up. Just rest, no doing for anyone, just rest and let yourself heal. So glad that it went well.

Lesley, may your surgery be successful and relieve the pain and lack of being able to get around...

Kate...are you okay?

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InHeavensKeeping

 I wanted to share this really touched my heart and soul xx 

Thank for your words of comfort, helps me so much xx

 

 

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Georgina, I was sorry to hear about the problems your girls are encountering. I know how difficult this past while has been for you. Your little Grandies are adorable. I am sending loving thoughts and hope that things will be resolved in a good way. 

Leah, so glad that this day is now behind you! Rest and let your body heal. I'm sure that you will soon be back on your feet and so pleased that the gall bladder attacks are now a thing of the past.

Dee, Dianne, and Susan...thanks for asking after me. I was up most of the night... as Ross had a terrible cough and it kept me awake. This crazy flu bug seems to disappear and then comes back every so often. Very stubborn indeed. Will find out the outcome of my lung scan on Monday. I really hope that I don't catch this cough from him. 

Lesley, you will be in my thoughts tomorrow. Good luck with your surgery! I bet you'll be glad when it is all over with. 

We are bracing ourselves for the upcoming Mercedes Benz AMG Driving Academy. It is held for the entire month of February and is held on the ice. The cars have already arrived and it is  high speed driving that is held on the frozen lake.  Very challenging. We always try to head out at least once to catch the races. Ross told me he would love to give it a try. Maybe in a parallel universe. :D

 

 

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TearsInHeaven

Leah, glad to hear things went well with surgery.  Gall Bladder surgery has come a long way.  Get some rest and hopefully someone can take care of you now.  Thank you for your kind words....and I will never turn down prayers.

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My girl is in heaven

Good luck Lesley.  I hope this will be your last one.  So you are staying with your parents.  I wish I could come take care of you.  Let us know how everything is when able.  

Leah, glad everything went well.  Just rest, rest, rest for you.  U carry a lot on your plate.

susan, hope u are getting lots of rest too.  

Kate.hope you guys r better soon. Toronto hospitals full, people sitting in halls with flu.  Cars racing on ice.. I freak when it is just a little slippery out. My husband would probably love it.  Have fun.  

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My girl is in heaven

Hey dianne. Chicago vs toronto. Should be good game. Whats going on with crawford. I can feel our connection.

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InHeavensKeeping: thank you for the video.  I have been angry all day,  tired of listening to my coworkers who all have their parents and their kids and are pregnant.  Angry at my loss.  Watched the video,  cried my eyes out,  feel worn out but better,  so thank you

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WHOA! Georgina, I didn't have time to watch that video till now and I am weeping, I sure get why you cried your eyes out Niques Mom, how powerful was that? Thank you Georgina, that was beautifully done.Cathartic for those who were involved I am sure. And onward they go, we go...carrying the torch of ones who left so damn early.

For all that are going through surgery or healing from illness, I am holding you deep in thought, healing energy your way.

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Thanks for the well wishes..  just plan on being lazy for a few days.  Watched the video.. wow....   not wise after surgery but it was a good cry :-)    You all mean so much to me..  thank you.. it is all I can say right now..  Bless you all

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TearsInHeaven

Luanne, yes I thought of you last night watching the game knowing you were watching also.  Unfortunately, the Hawks are looking pretty bad and after a run of so many good years it is tough to watch. You know how hockey is with injuries, no information--upper body injury is all. Couple of mentions of concussion.  News papers say he has been to the stadium during practices but not on ice, just hanging out with the team.  He might go to a couple of the road trips just to be around but no ice yet.  They are so far out of the running it is sad.  No spring in their skates. Toews has no spark for the team, DeBrincat who started out like a house on fire has pooped out. It looks like they are out there skating drills. But I have always liked hockey.  My poor husband, but then he knows how vocal I can get, just listens to me wail at them.

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YEs, the Hawks are not looking good are they...I think Crawford has vertigo issues lately. I should know more living in the Hawks territory, but I have never loved Hockey.

here's to hoping all of our Indigoes are fairing well with medical issues.

 

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My girl is in heaven

Niques mom. I know exactly how you feel. When i went back to work after 6 months, i couldnt believe they just acted like nothing happened. There was no taking into account that constantly talking about thier daughters might be upsetting for me. I always say people went back to the day before my daughter died and kept going on with thier lives. Dont waste your time on them or let them hurt u anymore. Unless it happenes to them they will never care. I wasted 6 years figuring that out the hard painful way. But here u will always have a voice and be understood. One day, one hour , one minute at a time my friend.

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My girl is in heaven

Dianne. Wish we lived close enough to watch the games together. My husband only watches a little so i end up yelling at the t.v. by myself. I even try to get lilly (cat) into it. But i have to admit when i watch hockey i kinda get a potty mouth. I wish i had someone to watch with. Yeah chicago not doing that good this year but they got some really good players. Last time toronto won the cup was 1967. I was 6 yrs old.

Lesley.
Your probably sleeping but hope things went well.

Rainey. U sound like your doing better. Hope that is so. I came in april and my 17 year old daughter died of a cardiac arrthymia. I remember all your kind and comforting words. So what is going on with you. Glad u r back.

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Lesley, how did your surgery go? I'm sure you are glad that it is over with. Do you have anyone to help you during the recovery period?

Leah, I bet it kicked in today after such a long haul yesterday. Rest and heal. One day at a time!

Susan, hope you are recovering nicely. Let your kids spoil you!

LouAnn, I agree that others are not comfortable when we bring up the name of our child. Many simply do not know what to say. I also am very tired of a few of my friends that talk about their kids ad nauseum. Honestly, give it a rest already. As if we don't have other kids as well as our child that died. 

I woke up this morning to a thick layer of hoarfrost covering the branches and low lying shrubs. The patterns of snowflakes and snow laden branches produced a beautiful scene in the low angle of the winter sun. A few weeks ago when it was very cold we were treated to quite the display of sundogs. They are a result of sunlight refracting off of ice crystals suspended in the air. 

The upcoming month is a busy one... as there are many ice Festivals being held around the province. The Festival du Voyageur in St. Boniface is a huge attraction in February. Ice Sculpting, Dog sled races, fiddling, and people walking around in traditional voyageur costumes. Beaded moccasins, Raccoon hats and red sashes which are a sight to see. Frozen maple ice cones, tourtiere, etc. Lots of singing, dancing and drinking. 

LouAnn, to actually view the car races properly on the lake you have to drive your own vehicle onto the ice out a distance to see it. It has become a very popular thing to do the past few winters.

Well, Ross is still barking like crazy and hopefully a bit of rest will tone it down for hopefully an outing tomorrow. Take care everyone and sleep well.

Kate :)

 

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No, not at all.  Everyone is welcome. I hope that you will feel free to join in and make a contribution... as well as helping. We look forward to your posts.

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My girl is in heaven

Bewildered and bothered. Glad you found your way here. Sorry no i just happen to be from canada but site is open to everyone from anywhere. I hope u join us and find some comfort here. Luanne

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Mermaid Tears

Hello friends....thank you to all that have been so thoughtful to ask how I am doing. Recovery is slow...slow...slow. I was the kind of person that ran about 90 miles an hour...raised 6 kids....sorta a 'workaholic'..in that I love..love...love to be busy. I love to see things go well...and know that hard work and lots of attention to details is what brings success. Well....this kind of surgery will really stop you in your tracks. I am keeping a very high positive attitude....knowing if 'I am a good girl' then all things will heal the way they are supposed to...and that is what we want. People that do not listen to the Dr.s and do things that they are not supposed to do are the ones that have healing go wrong. I am blessed in that my amazing daughter is a nurse...and she lives 'down the road' and comes to see me everyday....but....she did that anyway. She comes and helps me get a bath....getting in and out of the tub now is tricky having this scar that runs up and down my abdomen. I eat small meals during the day....also....it helps to eat in moderation if I have a reaction to something...we know what it was. It is still hard to eat enough calories...but I am doing better. I am blessed in having such care from my family. I woke up thinking the other morning....what do people do that are alone ? I hope they go to rehab....for I am quite dependent on all around me to do 'everything' for now.

Lesley....I hope your surgery went well.....and now you will be 'uphill in recovery' for a long duration of healing....am glad you are with family.

Leah....please use this time to heal...relax...rest.....healing will come to you.

thinking of all the new parents on this site.....we so understand your pain...please let us hear about you and your child.

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My wife and I are heartbroken beyond belief.  We lost our son in August 29th of 2017.  Here's briefly what happened that day.

First off, our son would sometimes have psychotic events where he would read the Bible and said it would put thoughts into his head.  He was diagnosed with psychotic depression.  He was a brilliant electrical engineer and was a very humble, giving and gentle young man of 32 years.  He gave a lot of his time and money to his church and to his favorite charities.

The Sunday before he passed away, he felt very troubled, and while at church he approached the alter and prayed.  On Monday evening, we talked to him on the phone and had a good conversation.  Before we hung up, we told each other "I love you!".

That Tuesday we started getting texts from him right after noon time telling us that he was condemned.  He said that if we were real, that he loved us and he loved his Lord. He said that he was going to hell and there was nothing anyone could do.  He was convinced that he had committed every sin that was possible, and that there was no way that he could ever be saved. We knew that wasn't true, but he believed it will all his heart.  We tried to get him on the phone to convince him to wait for us so we could get him some help to no avail. His final message to us was "Bye forever :^(".  At this point I thought he was going to take his life.

We didn't have his exact location though we knew he was headed home from work.  He arrived home, changed clothes and walked out the door. As he walked, he discarded his wallet, phone, keys and eye glasses.  The only thing he had with him at the end was his Bible.  His wife called 911 to report what happened while we rushed 100 miles to their house to help in the search.  Several hours later he was found by a homeowner on a country road.  The homeowner called 911 and reported that a young man was laying on his long driveway having seizures.  It took EMS 30 minutes to get to him.  When they reached him, he was drawing his last breath. The EMS crew and doctors were convinced he was an overdose case and treated him as such.  The Medical Examiner who did the autopsy later ruled that he died from natural causes, his death caused by "interstitial Pneumonitis with Bronchiolitis and Pulmonary Hypertension Changes".  

Inexcusable is the fact that it took EMS 30 minutes to arrive.  It took them 15 minutes to get to the house and another 15 minutes sitting at the end of the driveway waiting on police to arrive because they believed that the homeowner was armed.  The homeowner had heard his dogs barking, and went out to investigate.  So thinking it was a snake or a skunk, he grabbed his pistol and went out to investigate. When he came up on our son, he called 911 and told the dispatcher that he had a pistol in his pocket.  The dispatcher put it in the log but failed to dispatch the police at that time.  EMS said they wanted the police there if a firearm is involved before they approached the patient.  A fireman on the scene told the homeowner that his first mistake was telling them he had a pistol.  I'm afraid it cost my son his life.

So why did our son tell us "Bye forever" a few hours before he passed away naturally?  Did he have a premonition? In the end, he discarded all his possessions except for his Bible.  How did he know?

On that day, he left behind his wife who was 4 months pregnant and a son of 10 months.

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GoneTooSoon, I read your post and wanted to say how deeply moved I was. Your son sounds like he was a beautiful human being. I am so sorry that he had to struggle with these health issues and the circumstances surrounding his untimely death. I wish that I could answer the questions that would help to ease your sorrow a bit. 

It does indeed sound from the autopsy results as if he was extremely physically ill. It also appears to me as if he had great faith and a charitable heart. Throughout my own struggles in life I have held on to my faith to help carry me through some very dark and difficult times. My own personal belief is that our Creator or God is one of all encompassing love. Your son will be embraced by this love. His worldly struggle are now over and he is at peace. My heart goes out to his young family and to you his parents who have lost such a special husband, father, and son.

Please hang on to the fact that you will once again be reunited. This is an extremely crushing and painful time you are facing. Be confident that slowly your grief will subside and all of the wonderful and beautiful memories you hold of him will give you comfort. 

Kate 

 

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Oh Goodness to Gone Too Soon, I am so sorry. I would also be questioning everything...and yet, there are the facts that he said Goodbye forever, so he was on his way to dying, whether it be by his own hand or his body and mind shutting him down. And the fact is your family is deeply grieving as we all understand. I am glad that you found us and hope that you stay here and let us know you as you find your steps. There is nothing easy about grief, nothing, but there are ways to live well again, it takes time and great patience with oneself and those around you. Be kind to you is the first step. Take care of your body even when you don't care about you...your body needs the care it always did and there is no separating mind/body. So please go have a glass of water and eat some small portions of protein to keep up, grief is depleting.

To our other new parent; Bewildered, same to you. Hang on with both hands and your shattered heart, we get it. We know, and we will do what we do best here, support and listen, to those who are also traveling this very hard path.

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Susan, I know that it is hard to hold a live-wire down, but I know too, that the affects of your surgery are doing just that...you will regain your old energy again, but it does come slowly after such a big event. I can see your personality filled with your humor and heart coming through...you are definitely on the mend. Hooray.

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hi friends. Surgery over went ok and am home with my parents recuperating. Got to get used to hopping around on my walker again gets very fatiguing. Thanks for your good wishes I appreciate it

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Lesley, thanks for letting us know how you are doing. I'm glad to hear that you are with your parents. Take it easy and hopefully each day will see a slight improvement.

Colleen, how are you these days? I know you had been feeling rather low of late. 

Sandy, how are things with you? How is Kelly?

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening. Kate

 

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Wow Lesley, good that  you are through the surgery and now it is time to heal and repair. I bet it is hard to hop and use the walker, I wish you only good healing thoughts. I am glad that you are with your parents and able to be helped out in this way. How close to your home are they? Have you read Ali Smith, a Brit that I am currently reading...funny and odd as can be, I am reading the second in her promise of 4 books: Autumn and now Winter...if you have time on your hands as you heal, you might enjoy her.

Kate how are you feeling? Any news from the doctor?

Gretchen, doing okay?

Becky, tell us how you are, what is happening with your latest eye procedures?

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hi guys thanks dianne kate louann leah dee gretchen georgina sherry and anyone I have missed thanks for thinking of me. It will be a long and slow recovery but spring is not until march so by then I should be on crutches hopefully.

georgina wow that video made me bawl my eyes out but it was healing too thanks.

gonetoosoon and bewildered so sorry you can join our group because it means to qualify you have lost a child/children and that is not something I would wish upon anyone. We have many members experienced in loss and grief in all its forms and we will help you as we can. It is a long painful journey but you are not alone. Sharing is a part of healing it is a forum for you to tell things about your child and your feelings and experiences etc and know that you will be understood, never judged and always supported.

kate gretchen becky and leah how are you doing?

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Good evening, 

I’m not sure how to begin to talk about my sons passing. The thing that I remember the most about that night is the phone call I got telling me that my son was gone.The next thing I remember is collapsing to the floor. It still hurts me as I type this out. I still can’t believe it has happened. I wonder what I did wrong. Could I have done anything different? Would my son still be here if I had? Is it my fault? I struggle with these type of questions a lot. I miss him so much. I feel like I’m just going through the motions of life not really living like I did before. My emotions are up and down. I’m trying to move forward but I feel like I’m leaving him behind. He passed on June20th 2012. Just days before was Fathers Day , we had a wonderful talk. He called to tell me Happy Fathers Day and that I was the best . He told me he loved me.I couldn’t have ever known that I would never hear his beautiful voice again. I Love you Nicholas.

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Nick's Dad, I am sorry to welcome you here, and while you have been grieving for 5 years, it is still just yesterday while at the same time, a lifetime ago. I know. I think finding us here may help you find your bearings because here is the place that you can openly talk about that night, and all the nights prior and since. We get all of this, we are all on different timelines here, although you will see some similarities to your grief. I am in my 14th year, staying here because it is what I feel I need to do to honor my Sweet Daughter, to help out where I can. We are changed forever when our Babies are born...so of course we are changed forever when our Child dies. We have to learn how to live our best lives to shine the light of our Children where they no longer can. And so when you feel yu are moving on and leaving him behind, remember that your sweet Son is right there with you, he is holding you close the way you are holding him close, the love remains and does not diminish...it is Forever. And so what I hope is that you will find ways to live your best life and that perhaps talking openly about your Son and your loss will help that happen. Speak freely here, we get it.

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nicksdad the pain 5 years later 10 years later and 20yrs later and so on the grief over your loss never goes away completely it is always there inside but in time with work it becomes more bearable. Talking for the first time is always hard. I remember starting posts and not being able to type "I lost my son" or "my son died" for a long time. Each time I did there were a lot of tears but also healing because I can share online now without breaking down. It gets a little easier the more times you tell it. Thing is it is so important to get the words out especially after a long time because by then people think mistakenly you are over it and withdraw their support. We here know it is a lifetime of loss and will never tell you to get over it or its been long enough. By sharing your story you encourage other newbies to come forward and we all help each other. here you can share stories about your son and how you deal with grief etc and you will be supported and understood. I am sorry you lost your Nick, but what a memory to have him call and tell you he loved you on father's day. You did nothing wrong it was never your fault. Unfortunately some people are taken too soon whether it be by their own hand by someone else by disease or accident. Healing comes when you realise you could not have prevented Nick from dying and you throw off that heavy burden of misplaced guilt. It is so freeing. please tell us a little more about what happened if you are able to. You are not on your own ok?

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I understand what you mean,  I have not cried for 2 days and it makes me feel bad, like somehow I don't miss my daughter as much.  I know that's not true and she wouldn't want me crying all the time,  but it feels like I am losing her again.  I listen to her voicemails,  watch videos and look at photos but it's not the same. I know I couldn't have changed anything but I wish I could have.  I was told the other day "our grief will go from a boulder on our back to a rock  in our pocket,  always there but not as heavy "

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 Gone too soon,

thank you for sharing your story about your beautiful son.  we are hear to listen.  Each one of us has taken different roads to get to the same place.  A life without the physical presence of our child is difficult, to say the least.

I have been on this journey for almost 10 years.  The pain softens and becomes more tolerable.

welcome, my friend.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

 

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Thanks to everyone for the encouragement that you have given me. I guess that I have been to scared to talk about my sons passing, because of the pain that it has caused me. It seems to get easier every time I post.  This is his Birth month that’s why I’m having such a hard time with it. He was a loving kid, we used to enjoy playing basketball together. I do miss him a lot. My son got involved with people that he shouldn’t have been around. I tried to talk to him about who he was hanging around, he told me not to worry that everything was alright. I wish that I would have moved us far away from here, then maybe none of this would have happened. He got involved into drugs, and it only took one time when he used a deadly mixture to stop his heart. I’ve never talked to anyone about this before. It’s very hard to say that my son used drugs. I Loved him so much, I wish that i could have changed places with him. 

Niques mom I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope you find peace. You are right our beautiful children wouldn’t want us crying all the time. I know it’s very hard at the beginning of this new normal. If you need to talk, I’m a great listener. You really have to lean on God, friends and family at the beginning. This is a lifetime journey, be strong and know that people surround you with love and understanding. 

God bless

Tim

 

 

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Tim, how nice that you are already reaching out to assist another parent, and in that I think you will see some healing in yourself. None of us would ever dream our kids took or take drugs, and really, moving isn't the answer, the prevalence of drugs is just astounding and the rate at overdoses in this country...well you know that it is beyond a problem, and now an epidemic. Nobody raises their child to take drugs, it happens, poor decisions and before we know it, they are either hooked or hurting. I am sorry for the ache in your heart, but I do believe that you were led here, that you will find some solace here.

 

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tim druguse tragically is more common than ever all over the world. It is important to remember you did not do anything except love your boy. Kids make their own decisions and choices and none of those decisions or choices reflect on your parenting so don't feel guilty. Your Nick was not a bad person he made a bad choice. Some of the straight A students and sports fanatics used, it is no longer in the blue collar domain, in fact the wealthier the school district the higher the drug problem. My son Tommy also used drugs for a couple of years which caused me great anxiety knowing the dangers but that was something out of my control he was an adult. All I could do was love him and practice tough love ie no drugs in my house or around his siblings, and some of his friends were not allowed around. Drug use is a form of escapism and can become a coping mechanism when times are difficult. My philosophy is to treat addiction with treatment etc not jail sentences except for the dealers who capitalise on the misery of others. As a parent you can only talk about your concerns and practice tough love you cannot stop kids using. As a nurse I educated my kids from a young age about drugs alcohol stranger danger etc and I have always been very open and honest with them but there comes a time when your kids make their own choices and sadly some make poor decisions. My son was able to finally get himself clean after several attempts over the years but was then killed anyway so only had over a year to enjoy his sobriety. All I could encourage you to consider is perhaps being able to involve yourself in some anti drug charity or speaking program to tell Nick's story and how it has wrenched your family apart. At least it may save a few vulnerable kids although nothing will ever make up for your painful loss. Tommy's oldest and best friend who was a longtime user overdosed and was taken off life support in Nov last year and it racked my family with grief all over again as he was like a son/brother to us. His mum has vowed that she will tell Mikey's story for good so that his name and legacy live on and in the hope of saving someone. Our children were very precious and when life is lost at a young age it is even more tragic but we can choose to try and make something positive out of a devastating situation. Some parents have set up scholarships or managed to change bylaws some have run races or fundraised. I donate to my local homeless charity in Tommy's name because many homeless people are also addicts the difference is they may have no family to care for them. In that small way I feel I am paying forward positiity and help to those in need. Strangers had helped my boy when he was in trouble and living in a different country from us so I choose  to help others who are marginalised and in need. I also donate the money to the shelter that I would spend on him at Xmas as my present to Tommy. Helping others is another way to navigate through grief.

 

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My name is Ben. My son's name was also Nick. He passed away on 12/27/17 from what appears to have been a fentanyl overdose. It has been so painful as I am sure anyone reading this already knows.  He was 23 and had had a year sober a couple times. I have a tremendous amount of love and support around me but it still feels like too much to cope with. I am fully aware of the dangers of drugs as I have been in recovery myself for many years. His mother and I did everything we could to help him. I still feel like I could have done more. I can't say much here about the circumstances around his death because of an ongoing police investigation but no matter how that goes it won't change that he is gone, and I miss him so much. It wasn't unheard of for him to be MIA a day or two at a time. He went to work every day, he loved his job. He spent Christmas Eve and Christmas day with the family, the day after Christmas he texted me to have dinner together. When I hadn't heard from him for 5 days I went to check on him and found him in his apartment deceased. He had been dead 5 days. It was the most horrific experience of my life. I have suffered many things in my life but this is beyond anything I could ever even imagine. I have another son who is 5 years older than Nick and he has been a rock for me through this. Without him I would probably not be writing this. We hold each other up when it seems we can't go on. Many years ago I suffered from severe clinical depression and after an attempted suicide I got professional help and my life has been relatively normal for a long time. There are a few similarities between depression and grief but grief is much more painful. I have learned so much in the last month about how much pain a person can endure, and about how far beyond the imagination that pain can go. There was a young woman at my son's memorial that had babysat and tutored him when he was much younger. Four days after my sons memorial she expired from an apparent overdose. Reaching out to her family has given me a small sense of purpose to help others get through the toughest stuff that life can bring on. I am not a religious person but I do believe in a power greater than myself that wants me to be free, and happy and of use to my fellow man. I hope that if you read this, you had a brief reprieve from the reason your here. Our lives must go on so that we can honor our loved ones, cherish or family and friends, and be of service to our fellows. May God bless you and surround you with everything you need to get through this toughest of times.       

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Hello to All INDIGOS.  I am  so sorry to see new parents here.

 

Bewildered-----This site is for anyone from any location anywhere.  You are

welcome here. Please come back.

Nicksdad----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear son, Nick. Sometimes,

by sharing the grief that we feel.....can bring us understanding and comfort.

I hope you will return and tell us about your son. 

 

BenA----You are so new on this journey, and I am so sorry for your loss of

your son, Nick.  On this site, everyone is encouraged to relate their feelings

when they feel they want to do so.  There are no 'rules' for posting on how

often or infrequently.  Some would rather read  but not post, and that is fine. 

I have been here, along with Dee, for nearly 15 yrs., but I would only read and

not post for the first several months. Please come back ....you are welcome at this site.

Gone Too Soon------So very sorry for your loss of your son.  At this site,

you will find those who know, firsthand, the sorrow and pain of losing a beloved

child.  I hope you will return. 

 

Georgina-----I can understand the worry that you feel for your daughters and

their pregnancies.  Thoughts & prayers for all. 

Kate-----the Festival in St. Boniface  with all the winter activities and ice sculptures

must be delightful to see and participate in. The Sundogs   sound lovely . I don't

think I have ever seen them.

 

Dee-----Yes, I agree that birthdays are difficult and sad, but for me, .....the Angel

Days are the hardest.

Leah-----So glad that your surgery is over now.  You must now take care and get

a lot of rest, and not go back to full normal activities too soon.  Please rest

and get well soon.  Thoughts & prayers.

 

Dianne----Your words are so true, and give comfort to all.

Lesley---Also glad that your surgery is over.  Take care and sleep and let your

body heal itself.  Thinking of you.

Niquesmom------At this early stage on your grief journey, It is just normal to cry

a lot.....it's been so soon.  While Nique would not want to see you crying,  it is

going to happen anyhow.  Your deep love for her, and the longing and pain of

loss is so fresh and raw and all-consuming that crying is the soul's way of releasing

some of the pain.  The sorrow will always be there because of your deep love for 

your dear daughter, but  remember that Nique will always be with you, though 

she is now an Angel in Heaven. 

 

Davey&Lisasmom----sherry   

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Hi. The picture is a shadow box I made tonight for the blanket my daughter started. I was going to learn how to finish it in her memory but someone mentioned to put it in a shadow box instead. I painted the box using her paint from graduation. 

I'm doing, well I don't know. For the new parents on here, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm only 10 months and 7 days from losing my Kiona. I played the events of that Tuesday morning in my head for what seemed forever in my head all the way up to Thanksgiving. Then I learned to change my thinking so I could survive each day. Those first 8 months were rough. The last 2 were, plain and simple..... denial. I played that she was still at school. Lately, I've started playing the events again in my head. My daughter's 20th birthday is coming March 1st. Her first angelversery is March 21st. She turned 19 and then 20 days later, she is gone from me forever. I know I will see her again and I cannot think about how long I will live until I see her again. I think the states attorney dropped the ball and I have 2 years to file wrongful death. For me, it's not about the money. It's about clearing her name that she didn't drink herself to death. The coroner said her alcohol level was not high enough. I've watched the video and I don't think the DCI watched it. I am in the process of seeing if my connections will get someone from there to look at it. Anyway, I just wanted to post as I haven't for awhile. 

For everyone else, my son is doing better. I'll post more later. Cooking supper and making another journal. 

Peace and love

Tina

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My girl is in heaven

Nicks dad. And Ben.   My daughter collapsed in the tub , somehow the water filled and her official cause of death was drowning but they think a cardiac arrthymia is what made her faint.  I heard that fall , paused , then went right back to washing my kitchen floor.  Of course after we found her I knew exactly what that sound was.  I have lived with that guilt for over six years. I know I could have saved her from drowning but don’t know about the heart part.  So you see some of us carry the guilt around, we imagine that scene a million times over if you had of just done things different.  But I have talked to drs many times and nobody can tell me for sure whether I could of saved her or if I did would she have already had brain damage.  The truth is nobody really knows what happened in that bathroom but god.  So it has taken me many years to let it go a bit,. That will be the second thing I ask god after why.  But if any of us had an inkling that our children were in harm certainly we would have tried to save them.  So we mustn’t blame ourselves we would all trade places with them if we could have.  What’re every u r in your journey and what ever u r going thru is right where u should be.  I couldn’t cry one single tear for weeks later.  My heart just simply refused to register what happened.  But I have learnt what is normal for one is not for another.  You will not be judged here however u feel.  You will be guided by many strong and loving arms here.  Don’t be surprised if friends and family start dropping off.  They usually do.  But we will always be here for you.  U never need to walk this journey alone.  You probably don’t believe now, I know I didn’t, but you will eventually weave this grief into this new normal life none of us wanted.and every once inawhile a tiny bit of light pokes thru here and there. We will celebrate when u make a step but will be there to pick you up when you stumble and fall.  You are so welcomed but am sorry for the loss of your precious children. We all understand.

 

 

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