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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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My girl is in heaven

Lesley.  Am so glad your taking it so well and are able to find u can bounce back from things better now.  Wish I could do that.  You are so so much stronger than me.  Thank you for sharing with us.  

Lou.  Sorry you and your wife are feeling rough.  All the winter bugs going around I guess.  If you don’t mind me asking did they tell you your son died of a cardiac arrthymia.  My daughter was put down to drowning cause she was in the tub but they think what made her collapse was cardiac arrthymia.  No drugs, alcohol, no family history of heart disease. Just a very strong healthy girl.  The reason I ask is because a very kind internal medicine dr told me that that type of death is the most peaceful death you can have.  He said if she felt anything it might have been a little woozy but absolutely no pain.  He said he knew that 100 %; she did not suffer or feel any pain.  He said one moment she was in the shower and the next she would say hey here I am in heaven.  Those words have given me so much comfort and I didn’t know if they might give you and your wife a little peace in knowing that.  Take care.

leah.  You poor dear you always have so much to deal with but somehow u trudge on.  So your surgery is next wed.  Hope u get some rest and will be praying for you. 

Oh I so so hate January. It seems to go on forever.  

 

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Hi. Well I'm ok. Well not really. I wanted to put this on here before I put my phone on the charger. My son, he is, I don't know how to put it but I found a notebook he had on his desk. He has written unsettling things in it. I talked to his dad. His dad supposedly talked to him but the next day I saw "I am worthless" written all over a sheet. I've got a call in for a counseling appointment. Hopefully I hear back soon. The intervention in this town sucks. They take the individual to jail vs the hospital. I did read there is a crisis team but do not know how all that works. I'm going to keep a close eye on him. Please say prayers. 

Tina

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Tina, without question you are following the right path in seeking help for your son. Follow through with that crisis team. Perhaps by calling a local hospital they can give you the number. DO NOT LET IT GO. We found a paper that our son had written outlining his duties at his workplace and basically saying he ran the whole bloody place. He sounded overwhelmed and deeply depressed. By the time we found it it was too late. Better to error on the side of caution than to let it go. I don`t mean to scare you by saying this, but never take it in stride. He has also been under tremendous pressure with your job loss and everything else. Let me know how it goes. I care.

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Tina, while it is good to know you are out there, so good, it is so worrisome to think of what you and your Son are going through...has anyone from his school helped him with his grief?School social work is a start, but they should also be able to refer you to an outside source and if sliding scale is needed, to point you in that direction as well.  I am so sorry that you are in this position of great worry. I so hope that your Son can find ways to hold on to you, to his Dad, to his friends so that he gets through this rough time. I am sending prayers/hope/energy your way and will continue to do so. Have you been able to go to work? How is your new job?

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Mom of justin

if ur son died in 2004.   That’s the same ur I lost my Son Ronnie.  

So sorry.  

And I am really the only one who keeps my sons from disappearing. 

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I do like winter when winter is what it is supposed to be...but it isn't, the temperatures are up and way way down, then up to mid 40's which is 12 degrees warmer than average winter days in January in Chicago...and then way down, they up, and so germs thrive and are bolstered by this warmth...some may die in the cold cold but a lot of germs are thriving, I can tell you that the school is seething with them. I found some of my older journals as I mentioned last week, and in them I am worrying about climate change, way back in 2004 I was worrying about the increased temperatures and mixed up seasons. ARGH! Dianne, no, the school I am in is a high tax area in a suburb just west of Chicago, we border chicago. No way should this be going on in this town. It is sad. It certainly is not the stellar district that it used to be.

 

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I have been working. I homeschool my son since 8th grade. He is a junior. I like my job. A lot of orientation. I didn't get a chance to talk to my son. He showered and went to his dad's. I'm calling to set a counseling appointment for as soon as I can get him in. I don't know if things are catching up to him or if it was a change in meds a little bit ago. He is on anxiety/depression meds. I have told his dad to let me know when he gets there. 

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I forgot that you home-school. What does he do during the time that you are at work? I would think that at 10 mnths since you lost your Girl, his Sis, it may be that the shock piece is worn off and he is feeling it all more than ever and with a med change, it could be hard to adjust. But kids his age simply do not know how to talk about grief, and kids often wait until they deem their parents on better footing before they allow their own grief, often needing guidance to steer through it but in no way know how to go about asking for help for it, nor do they always accept help for it. He also may be feeling a good deal of anger, which goes hand in hand with sudden deaths. I am sending hope Tina.

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He does his school work. I'm hoping I can help with the counseling. He has that notebook and has said in it that he doesn't know why he tells us he is fine when he isn't. Thank you for your words of encouragement and prayers. They mean a lot to me. 

I haven't figured out where I'm at in my grief but will do what I need to for him. 

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Tina, of course you don't know where you are with your grief, why should you, and this may be the best thing for your Boy to know, that grief is pretty huge when it is for a sister, a daughter...that there is unfinished legal crap that does not help your process...perhaps if the two of you started therapy together and then let him have some times alone with the therapist or the two of you continue sharing the time...grieving is never easy, but one day will be different than now...I think your Son was hoping perhaps, that you would see his words...letting him know that many adults do the same, we say we are fine when in fact we are not, but one of the reasons we do this is because we know that nobody can help change our situation and that it feels like help cannot happen...but it can, and your Boy may be very receptive to it.

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Susan I have been gone a long time and didn't know you were ill. Glad to hear you are on the mend!

Dianne I also hate winter. Everything about it.

Lesley  what an emotional wallop. It was hard for me to read. His friend must really be left in a terrible spot, the boy that lived also. Such a heartbreaking tragedy. We all are thinking of you. 

Tina glad you came across your son's writing. My children are very therapy resistant. Even after 6 years I still worry.

Leah hope you are doing ok. Glad you at least have custody of Sena.

Louanne when is Kira's birthday? Forest's is Jan 30.

I decided not to write a speech for the tournament but watch the clock and just say whatever comes to mind for 5 minutes. I am honored to be asked and pleased they want a talk about Forest. So much time has gone by my guess is most the gamers there now have no idea who he was.

Btw for those that don't know Forest was a tournament organizer. His first really big nationwide tournament was to be in aug. He died in July. His partner with the help of many in the gaming community managed to hold it anyway in memorial. It had gamers from all over the country. I was shocked. I had no idea. Anyway they now hold it every year in his memory.

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Good for you Gretchen, talk from the heart, you will have some help from your Son, sitting there with that grin, that knock-out grin. And it is quite an honor and tribute to One who has made a difference in the lives of his community. Peace out.

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tina my son had a bit of a break too two weeks ago whilst studying hard for exams it all came up for him again. When you are under pressure the thoughts slip through. I am glad your son is going for counselling I asked my son to get himself some help too I hope he will. My other two kids have moments of sadness but on the whole try and carry on without thinking about it. That is hard to do but they are working so are afraid to open that door in case it all comes crashing through. Dee was right perhaps your son was hoping his written words would spur some help when he could not verbalise his struggles.

gretchen words from the heart are always best Forrest will guide you as to what to say. Good luck.

louann I echo your words yes Jan does go on for ever. I know it is a hard month for you with Kira's bday coming up. I hate feb too and some of march I just want spring and new life and flowers.

dianne love those anti winter quotes I feel the same.

lou take care hope it is not the start of that awful Aussie flu that is going around. That is one mean virus that knocks you flat for days.

bob I am glad you and Nick will be able to spend time together when you feel it is the right time to see him. Cannot think how I would feel knowing who killed your boy and not being punished for it. You had mentioned before that therapy did not work for you. For some it comes too early on in the process for others it is because the therapist is not great. I guess it is a try and see attitude. One poor experience does not mean all therapy is a failure but each of us is unique and have to find what does and does not work for them. I imagine shovelling your driveway would be good therapy both physically and mentally!!

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hearthurt1013

We are both hacking like hell. Other than this hideous cough, we are OK. I hope that no one here gets this bug...it is NASTY!

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hearthurt1013

What we have been told is that he had a miocardial infarction followed by ventricular tachycardia. There was nothing anyone could have done since it happened so quickly. He had a history of whooping cough and pneumonia when he was a young teen and the doctors feel that his circulatory system was compromised. This was not picked up during physical exams that he had damage to this degree. He passed very quickly and was not in pain. His heart simply stopped because the input from the brain couldn't get through to his heart.

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Back from the Women's March in Chicago...300,000 strong. What an amazing thing, to be one drop in an ocean of 300,000 all gathered under similar beliefs, similar hopes, and such positive energy. I feel so lucky, and I felt my little Erica with me, and standing there with my cousins and one niece and one sister, united in a glorious way. May we find equity in this lifetime Ladies and Gentlemen, so that our children and grandies and their own children can stand in the light of justice and equality.

Hearthurt, hope you and your wife take it easy and just stay home until you are better...plenty of fluids and rest galore.

Those Newer here, the Siblings of our Lost Ones suffer great sadness as they are known to have lost the witness to their lives, and put that way, shows us the enormity of the hole in their lives. My Son lost his witness, the sister who he laughed and plotted with and against and who he taught and lived with adn shared friends with...he lost his snowboard partner, his partner in crime, his confidant. We must allow them time to grieve but also watch to make sure they know that they can grieve, and perhaps leave a few books about sibling grief for them.

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right on Louanne.

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nice quote I especially like the proactively Louann.

dee great that you went on the womens march I bet the atmosphere was thrilling. We gals have to take a stand and get equality in pay and respect and fight misogynist and sexist attitudes. I am not getting political this is not the right forum but well done you!! I can't walk far so sign petitions and drum up support for banning plastics and keeping our oceans clean, also freeing caged animals and protecting natural habitats. I support my wild hedgehogs, bees and butterflies, am anti pesticides, recycle and try to be a kind person to our precious planet. on the human side I support our charity shops with donations of clothes and books and give parcels to our homeless charities. with my surgery next week I will be housebound for weeks so trying to get as much done as possible in my house and very soggy garden. It is 3.06 am but its one of those sleepless nights you are all familiar with.

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YOu rock Lesley, we all do our part don't we, one way or another. I am glad that you do what you do...I do get political here but have been told not to, so I try not to, but life is very political these days, and I do feel it is a part of me, so if it leaks into the conversation...I shall not apologize. Being involved politically has become very important in my world, fighting for rights that should be automatic, both for people and for the environment. My cousin Laura, one of the cousins I met up with today, put her hat in the ring for a state senate race in her district. I am so glad and so proud of her for this try at a senate possibility. She is very level headed and very bright. Anyhow, yes, the atmosphere was indeed thrilling and refreshing, replenishing my spirit alongside some of my favorite women. I wish you only goodness in your upcoming surgery.

Colleen, how are you tonight? Are you feeling any lighter?

Susan, healing?

Kate, how are you feeling?

Leah, I know with surgery coming, you will begin to feel much better. So glad that Sena is with you.

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It did my heart good to read your post today Dee. I wish I could have been there to walk alongside you.

I am off tomorrow first thing for my CT scan on my lung. I had a call from the hospital while I was out today to ask me to come for 8:30. I was surprised as it is a Sunday, but I gather they work around the clock. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Thinking of everyone and wishing you a good day tomorrow.

Kate

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My girl is in heaven

....        January 21 1994 -June 19, 2011   KIRA MICHELLE TAYLOR

EVEY IVEY OVER MY KIRAS IN THE CLOVER, I SENT MY KIRA TO THE STORE AND THIS IS WHAT I SENT HER FOR SALT, VINEGAR, PEPPER

..................................................Then all of a sudden the light in my world forever went out......................

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My girl is in heaven

this last picture was taken a month before on beach in Cuba.  I will be strong today,.,somehow I have to be. I have to hold my husband up today.  I just have to.  Talk later. 

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Beautiful photos Louanne, thanks for sharing Kira with us. You will find your footing today because you are saying you will, and as a tribute to the strength of love you hold for all time for Kira, you will stand strongly today and each day that you are able.

Kate, I know that you would feel energized by the walk in Chicago, so I carried you along with me. Please let me know how your doctor visit goes tomorrow. Fingers crossed and prayers are on the wing.

So now I see Bob, why I should not speak politically on this site. I will resist the urge to spew at your opinions of women, and know that we are all formed by our experiences...I wish you good women in your life from here on out.

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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

To:

my girl is in Heaven~

Hi, it's RAiNiE ~

thank u for sharing the pictures of your BEAUTYFUL daughter.

just comeing back here after being absent for a long time.

this is the only place where All can come and be the real person they are in the area of haveing lost beloved children  

Mostly I wanted to say I'm sooo sorry for the loss of your BEAUTYFUL daughter.

my two sons are also in heaven that's the only hope I hang on to is that one day we will be together again where there are no more tears,  nor sorrow, nor pain...at least that's what the Bible says .

I have learned more than I ever thought or wanted to learn about losing my children and one to suicide.

i honestly feel just as traumatized as I ever did when I think of my two sons.

i miss them more everyday, not less .

I will never have closure  .    Yet one must choose how they will live while here on planet earth..

this is what I want and desire but so far have not been very successful at :

to live my life not letting the traumas of life destroy me,

my heart will be forever broken into a million pieces , but I want to still enjoy a happy life and not rob myself and others

of my true self , who I am in my heart ~

this is what others have told me and I know I am~

and the following is who god created me to be ~

i have a good and caring heart for others  especially ones who have been wounded one way or another.

my passion is to encourage others as I am led and to let them know they are of great value and the people I get to know beyond hello,

i like to tell them the things I see and appreciate about them  

I like to have fun and be with people who are safe and allow others to be their true selves    

Land of course I try to always factor in that each of us are human with weaknesses and human frailities .

the only perfect one died on the cross for us so we could have eternal life.

i than all here who have welcomed me back and especially the ones who told me that I actually touched and helped them along their way thru losing their child.

and everyone that finds their way here are people of great courage.

I care deeply but I am only one person but together here each of use make a positive difference in all of our lives .

Rainie, Rocky and Ronnie's mom |

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TearsInHeaven

Beautiful Kira having a birthday in Heaven....from a pretty little girl to a beautiful woman who now graces the Heavens as a magnificent Angel. Share a butterfly kiss on your mom, dad and brothers today. They know this is a special day that will always belong to you.

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TearsInHeaven

Kate,  good luck with your scan and hope the outcome is good for you.  Jeff will be sitting right beside you.

Dee, your words, your thoughts and your wisdom are treasured.

Rainie, good to see you return. 

Tinay, you are doing the right thing for your son.  He reached out with written words trying to understand what was brewing inside with his loss.  I have tried to help my daughter after our loss and knew how difficult things were for her.  Sometimes a sibling feels forgotten because so much support goes to the mom or the parents and they are in the background overlooked.  Dee said it well as the siblings are the witness to the other's life.  And now the rug is pulled out from under them. Getting him help is the best thing you can do for him. Hoping that finding his writings allows a safety net to be put in place for him.

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hearthurt1013

What beautiful kids we have and the loss is fely by all of us. Anyone who has never been through this doesn't know just how much this loss costs us physically, emotionally and menatlly. With all the support we give each other here, I just have to believe that while we won't get over it, but we will acclimate and adjust to it. I try to remember my son and all the joy he brought everyone with his personality, laughter and intelligence. Hoping you all have a blessed day.

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happy birthday Kira smile down on your parents and siblings today and every day. Trust them that they will continue to make progress and send a sign to them soon it will help lighten their hearts. Love the photos

dee your graciousness is wonderful especially toward those who differ in their opinions. Do what you do to be involved it makes a difference.

bob I hope also that you find better examples of women in your life.  The world and attitudes are changing and I for one try to support changes in attitude. It is different to hear a male perspective although not all men support your views. Two of my male friends also went on the marches because they want to make a difference for their mothers sisters wives and daughters. I refuse to be drawn into any political discussion as that only causes strong emotions and is reserved for my FB page.

kate good luck with your scan I am thinking of you.

rainie I echo your words "together here each of us make a positive influence in our lives. Positivity makes a difference.

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Louanne, thinking of you.. and your precious angel Kira, may you feel her close to you always.

Dee, I think it is great you went on the walk.. I would love to do something like that..   

Kate, I hope that everything goes well for you.. you are in my thoughts

Raine, so nice to see positive thoughts, I think this place is a Godsend for us all.

Hearthurt, I agree with you.. we have beautiful children and strength when we come together.

Lesley, I really enjoy the thoughts you post.

Tina, praying for your strength as you go through this time, so not easy,  but our love for our kids make us better.

I know there is more to post..  but it is a mad house around here.  Sena's mom has decided to come stay.. and setting boundaries has been really hard.  I just am not the same person I was even last year.  Seems each year makes so many changes..  from JaBoa leaving us.. to her mom's torment..  to my mom's illness..  the end of a marriage..  the beginning of trying to build Sena's life again...  I don't know what my future holds..  nervous for Wednesday...   I am trying not to be...   I know it will be alright...   to much to do.

Peace to you all

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hearthurt1013

Although I appreciate all the support I have received, I am leaving the site. I was attempting to log in and I got hit with a virus. My computer is my lifeline to work and I can't afford to take the risk. If you want to reach out to me, my personal email address is ldevmstor0410@gmail.com.

Thank You All So Much. I hope to hear from you soon.

 

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KIRA, dancing on the moonbeams, chasing meteors, watching day turn to night alongside all of our Angels!

May your Birthday be filled by all of your love, and by all the love that surrounds you. You will never be forgotten Kira, please sit upon your Momma's shoulder today and let her feel your presence on a date that will always hold magic.

 

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Michaels mom forever

I haven't posted in ages.....been keeping myself very busy but I have from time to time read some posts. I forgot my log in information so had to recreate everything. Ive entered my 4th year without my precious son Michael. I remember finding this site 2 months after losing him; everyone here helped me continue to live as best I could. I cant even believe that so much time has passed........I still remember that first day as if it was yesterday.......a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon in Indiana.....thought he was sleeping in late and went to wake him but he was gone.........his girlfriend watched him die (aspirated dt the pills he took) , she robbed him and left the house telling me he was still sleeping......... The pain is less raw, sometimes days go by without crying........I'm still struggling with being as motivated as I used to be.....I worry that will never come back......I had to add a 2nd antidepressant over a year ago when I was diagnosed with PTSD, that really helped but I feel like Im sinking again......maybe its just winter.....IDK.....

Sending love , hope and peace to all.....

Francesca.......Michaels mom.....

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Francesca, it is good to know that you are out there finding your way...Have you been working? Was it you that wanted to move back to Indiana when you first came here? I see you are in Wisconsin,are you working? I look forward to hearing more from you, filling in the space of time. I also had PTSD as so many of us do/did. I was on meds for about a year, a few years back, but weaned off when I was ready. As far as energy, it is different, but we have to also look at the plain facts that grief ages us in many ways, and just plain old time does too. When Erica died, I was 47. I began heading toward menapause  soon after her death, and by the time I turned 50 was in full menopause with hot flashes that felt like hell inside. I had them for 11 years. Now at 61, I definitely don't have the same amount of energy, due to age for one, and definitely have less motivation to do new things compared to before Erica died. I wish you so much goodness. Come back and chat.

Dianne and Lesley, I have learned my lesson here today about my politics, I do need to save them for another place.

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TearsInHeaven

Francesca, so good to see you again and hear about your progress. We were so close in our losses.  I think you wanted back to Wisconsin????  This road is never ending but learning to make your way is a big step.  Glad you let us know how you are doing and hopefully step in when you can.

Leah, Good luck with your surgery. You have my positive thoughts and prayers.

Dee, just wanted to let you know that your thoughts, words and wisdom mean something to me.  Sorry to make you uncomfortable.  You are a wise woman.

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Mermaid Tears

Luanne....sending you care and compassion on this day....we all know what courage it takes to weather the storms....they do pass.

Kate....just read that you have to return for more scans..please let us know how it turns out...

Leah...I don't know what kind of surgery you will be having....prayers for you.

Gee....we had a few days of freezing temps...and ice and sleet...yikes....I now know how my Northern sisters feel.....don't like that stuff !!

Recovery is going as good as it can....very...very slow.

Dee....am sorry to hear how conditions are in your school....all that tax money should be accounted for.

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Dianne thank you for the good thoughts .

Susan, it is only Gal Bladder but I get so afraid going under.  I don't know why...   just one of those things.   I will worry til it is over :-)

The weather has been amazing here... 30 and 40 degree.. we are due for a few 20s  I am ok far better than the below zero temps we had for so long.  I do worry without more snow we will have drought again here.  Hope that we get it in the form of rain this spring.. just a little at a time though :-) not a fan of mud.

 

 

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Right now we do have mud Leah, we had some nice snow cover, as we should, but then  it got too warm for january, and it rained on and off all day. Now it is mud. Leah, we look forward to hearing from you as soon as you are able after your surgery.

Susan, my goodness, I get so happy when I see you here, it is just good to know that you are healing, and while it is slow Dear, it is happening. Each day or two, a bit more healing. Keep on trucking' Girl, keep on keepin' on.

Dianne, your sweet words do not make me uncomfortable, I am honored, thanks so much.

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Michaels mom forever

Hi Dee, Diane & Susan, Ive been back home in Wisconsin since 2015 and back in the house where I raised my boys ( the house never sold while we were in Indiana). Ive been working full time all along .......4 months ago my original job before moving to Indiana became available and I went back.....I always loved working in that senior community.....I feel like Ive come full circle.......back in my home, my old job......wish I had never left, maybe my boy would still be here.......

Its good to reconnect with folks here......will be back soon.......

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WOW Francesca, how lovely that you are back in your home and back in your former job...amazing. You know we all do the what if I never----and maybe our Child would still be here, I did it for a long time until I didn't...because it is an abstraction of events, and we have no way of knowing...we only have this day and these experiences in which to live our best lives. I would guess that Michael is very proud of your work to get  back to where you wanted to be. Good going Girl.

Sandy, how are you these days?

Gretchen?

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  • hi Francesca we have never met but it is good to hear from people further along the journey to see how life can be. What a sad story Michael being left by a ruthless partner only out for herself and dying as a result. Did she get charged with his murder?

dee you always make me smile. Some things really rile people up don't they so I have found it best to separate suitable subjects from the forum as we are already vulnerable. However I feel you and I have a lot in common!

leah thanks for your kind words much appreciated. I hope your surgery goes well and you can recuperate. Must be very hard having a troubled adult child move back in and having to create boundaries but they are definitely needed for the welfare of all who live there. Your daughter must carry a lot of guilt in having her kids taken away and placed beside dealing with the law and her addiction struggle so understand any anger will be misplaced and directed at you as her safe place.

dianne hope you are doing ok? Is your cousin back in contact now or still too angry herself to appreciate the care and support you offer?

louann thinking of you. Come back and tell us how you marked Kira's birthday and how you are feeling.

january is close to ending now so we are all a bit nearer to the spring and rejuvenation of life after the darkness of winter. You may still get snow again but the days will slowly become longer and the sun will shine brighter.

happy-new-year-quotes.jpg.f0100f9288b556ccd83b13d5b1eb27c9.jpg

 

1508661997_life-style-quotes-more-quotes-love-quotes-life-quotes-live-life-quote-moving-on-quotes-aweso.jpg.055ab240773cc7ad94cee2d29a6f8d6e.jpg

gallery-1490041658-cl-web-springquotes021.jpg.329e07518539b292c804a53c04d4eb82.jpg

 

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Dee----thanks for your kind words.  I think that all parents , at times, find it hard to

relate when there's a tragedy of losing a child.  We can only do the best we can do,

I guess.....and move ahead when we can.  Not easy, that's for sure.  So foggy here,

due to the warming-up.  Snow melting etc.  I heard that your area is the same....

( I listen to Chicago radio WGN at night. :) ) 

 

Leah----Prayers for your upcoming surgery.  Hope you'll be feeling a lot better 

after it's over.  Peace & comfort to you.

Niniques----I have not heard of EDMR therapy.  I hope it helps you,  if you decide

to try it.

Francesca-------good to see your post. thanks for the nice pic.

HAPPY   HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY,..........SWEET   KIRA.

    SEND DOWN YOUR SMILE TO YOUR MAMA TO WARM HER HEART &  SOUL.

LouAnn-----thanks for posting those beautiful pics of Kira.  Beautiful.

Rainie-----Thank you for the pics.  So nice to see pics of all our angels.

 

PEACE    AND    TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

 

 

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Susan------So glad that you are home from the hospital, and that you'll

be feeling better in the coming days.  Your loving family will help you along 

on the road to recovery.  Lovely pic of little Vito and his mama.  Thanks for

posting it, and for the insightful screen shots.   Peace & comfort.

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Good to see you Sherry, how are you? Yes, rained and stormed with thunder and lightning last night, now raining again but temps are supposed to go down to near normal after a day in the 50's. So darn odd. The birds seem mixed up, and the plants sure are, some looking like they want to throw shoots. ARGHHH.

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Made it through the one month mark yesterday.  Really hard,  tried to take my son out to play in the snow when all I wanted to do was crawl in bed. 

One of the girls at work told me I am strong,  and I don't like her saying that.  I don't feel strong,  I am just doing what I need to do to keep our family going.  I think if I didn't have my son and husband I would never come out of my house. 

I am terrified of how long the pain is going to last,  I just miss nique so much, I want the pain to lessen sooner rather than later. 

 

Love to all.

V

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Cheryl, Tony's Mom

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Kira

Pray your mom feels your kisses and hugs today

 

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Louann,

Sorry for missing Kira's Birthday, Jan 21... right?

hang on my friend.  This day is a day that brings the joy of their birth with the sorrow of their death.

Be kind to yourself.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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Niques Mom, I know the ache you are feeling, the wish to crawl away and be alone...it is something you will need, some alone time, do you have anyone who can come regularly to babysit so that you can have two hours here, an hour there to count on. It is imperative to have some alone time to figure out who you are in this new life. I am holding your hand and hoping the best, I know you want the pain over sooner than later, but I am afraid to tell you that there is no way for that to happen.The pain is the representation of the love, we hurt that much because we love them that much, which is the only part of algebra I get, that what ever is on this side of the equation, the equal amount is on the other side. I am telling you this not to scare you, but to let you knowthat this kind of grief will change, but the grief is life-long. It will get lighter to carry one day, but it will take time my Dear. It has to. All things are a process so please understand that this process needs your patience...and when your co-worker tells you that you are strong, you can say that you don't feel like you are, that you are doing what you have to do for your family. It is not a lie. One day when you have a different view, you will see how strong you had to be to get through this time. We are very strong, but we never really wanted to know just how strong. There is nothing fair or easy about this sad time, but please hold on and know that we are here to help you in the best ways we can, by listening. Tell us about Niques and about you and your little one. 

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Nique was 18, just getting ready to start her grown-up independant life.  She had plans, and I am sad I won't get to see what she would have done with her life.  She was a difficult child,  I had to learn patience and strength with her,  I was so excited to see what she was going to do with that spirit and spunk. She was my only child until 4 years ago,  when my son was born.  She had a hard time adjusting,  but was finally able to spend time with her brother and have fun (they watched movies,  played video games and Legos). I am forever grateful to have had her for 18 years,  but it wasn't long enough.  Thanks for listening. 

 

V

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It will never be long enough Dearheart, but it was her full life. You were with her for her full life. I received a card when Erica died, it said something to the affect of: Every living thing on Earth, no matter how long they are here, has lived a full life. They have lived their full life. It helped me to read that. Erica was also filled with controversy in her life, hated school, was oppositional with authority for many years, had many friends, and was also just at the crux of learning to make her life...she was happy and I was so thrilled that she had found ways to carry herself forward with a good attitude. And so while it will never be enough, it is what I was able to have with my Girl. It was her whole life. We are here for you and each other, please be patient with yourself.

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