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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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hearthurt1013

Well, if I can't sleep, I will be back later this evening. If I can, I will be on tomorrow. "Have we not heard the chimes at midnight?" (Henry IV, Act 2). Sleep well.

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Sandy, so good to know that you had time with the Grandies and that you are well...i know you take care of so many, I am glad for your energy and ability. I know that your friend is walking in the footfalls you left her, and that she will have to grieve as you did, as we all have had to do. How are her children doing? I agree, I wish it would just stay cold, mid twenties-30 would be good for a good month solid so that we can get rid of germs and allow our bodies to adjust to a temperature. I don't do well with the vast fluctuation. No, we are getting a light snow now, but had no snow last week, just that odd warmth after sub zero, and I hated that...now it is slippery out due to the snow falling. Our school had a water main break during winter break and so when we returned to school, all of our furniture was in the middle of the room and nobody there to help us move it and no delay to start the day after break...so I had to move all of my furniture and it sure did feel like disrespect that our district could not figure out a way to help all of us mostly women, move our furniture that morning. They would not let us come in prior to 7:00 am even though we knew we needed time to put things together...I also had over a hundred dollars of parent money for a field trip stolen from a locked drawer at school as did several other teachers...so i am a bit let down with my district right now. I feel that there were so many ways to handle this differently, but oh well. You drive carefully on the snowy roads. thanks for checking in.

Hearthurt, sounds like the two of you just really need to acknowledge your pain and how it manifests...it will take time and effort, but heck, one never knows...I am older than you by several years, I am 61, so the movie you watched the other night is one I have seen many times and tonight, I watched THe Ghost and Mrs. Muir. Wonderful film.

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it is  a sad truth that relationships and marriages and friendships can be wiped away by grief. Still as we all know time gives us all a different perspective and grieving causes people to withdraw or lash out as emotions run high. Everyone acts or reacts differently it is the wisdom to stay cool and ride things out that can really help. People in pain can cause pain to others which is sad I guess it is a reflex. Everyone is affected by grief at some point. The important thing is to communicate with others who understand like those here. This is your safe place

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hearthurt1013

Good Morning: I trust everyone slept well. I am not conducting business today because of the MLK holiday. My business contacts are not in their offices, so I can't really do much. I am feeling a little better today, but sore from sleeping in one position. Oh, well. On balance, I guess it is better than being up half the night. The misses is OK, so we are just going to relax and maybe play Monopoly or Scrabble. I will be checking in periodically. Have a great day.

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hearthurt1013

Just an FYI: I do work online during the week. This week I am working 9A-4P Tuesday and Friday amd 1P-4P on Thursday. We will be home all day today and will be gone for doctor's appointments on Wednesday pretty much all day (She has 3 appointments in a row.) I don't want anyone thinking I have become completely de-railed in case someone needs me.

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Good day to all, I am getting ready for a nice snowy walk...finally a decent covering of snow. I look forward to footsteps leading me one way and back again. Like grief, we find our way back again, while never the same, some things will remain a constant, the love in our hearts. Constant.

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Hello all, I posted in the loss of a child group.  I lost my beautiful 18 year old daughter on 12/21/17.  It was a car accident.  She was getting ready to start her adult life, she was supposed to move to CA on 1/1/18 to begin her life of independence.  She was a difficult child but had such a spirit, I was excited to see what she was going to do with that spunk :)  I think I am doing a little better, except I cannot sleep unless my husband is next to me.  No eating much, but more than at the beginning.  I am struggling to care for my 4 year old son.  He wants me to be the normal, fun mom I have always been.  I try to put a smile on for him, but it doesnt last long.  Even playing with him, I am thinking of her.  I know I will see her again, but I was not ready for her to leave.  I keep asking her and God to lift my heart, to help me heal, but then it just turns into tears.

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hearthurt1013

Hi NiquesMom: Like you I am a Newbie. I can tell you that this is a great place for support. I just lost my 22 year old son on 12/30/17. It was a total shock. When I lost my parents, I know it was painful, but not unexpected because their health was not good and the process was a lot longer. When it is a child in their prime of life, the shock is devestating. I have a question. You needn't answer if it is too difficult. What would your daughter want you to do with her little brother? If your daughter was anything like my son, I am quite sure that she would want you to be a reflection of her love for you, her father and her little brother. I am having quite the struggle myself. I find myself, sometimes, while my wife is sleeping wandering around our apartment in the middle of the night, then like you, I begin to weep. I pray Our Lord comforts you and holds you close.

Lou   

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hearthurt1013

Recemtly, I have been rumenating on my son, especially when he was a little guy. In spite of the fact that he was as bright and intelligent as he was, he would say things that threw us for a loop. We had just gotten done watching "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". The kids went to sleep and first thing in the morning he made a major announcement. He wouldn't make the announcement until we were all in the living room and the TV was off. Once he had arranged everything he said, "I know what I want to be when I grow up". I asked him what it was. He proudly told us he wanted to be an Oompa-Loompa! I told him that Mom and I work very hard to save for his college education. His answer was that it was his money so he could do what he wants with it! I told him we own EVERYTHING here, including all the rooms in the house, etc. He said it was his life and besides what is wrong with being surrounded by candy. I asked him if he found any Ooopa-Loompa schools and how he would afford it. He told us that he couldn't find any online (I checked his account and there it was in his history that he was searching for Oompa-Loompa schools) and that he would go on a scholarship! I couldn't help but break out laughing and I thought the misses was going to fall on the floor with laughter. He really had the gift of making people smile and laugh. I hope this brought a smile to everyones' faces.

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So I was asked to speak about forest at the upcoming tournament. I have plenty of time to think about it but at the moment I feel at a loss. He seems so distant and that life so long ago...

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hearthurt1013

Maybe put the speach out of your head and let your thoughts freely flow. They will come to you. As a freelance writer, that is what I do. Write from your heart, not your head, not that you wouldn't, but it is a technique I have used in the past.

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Gretchen, weirdly, I looked at a journal I wrote in a bit less than a year after Erica died, it brought so many thoughts back to front and center...not that any have been forgotton, but less front and center, the ache and the counting each day...I know that if you decide to speak, you will use your heart to help you choose your words.

Niques I am sorry to welcome you as we have our newest other patron...I am sad for you, my girl was 19 when she was killed in a car accident, train hit her car...this was 14.5 years ago. I stay because I feel that this is a place in which I can offer hope and because it becomes a bit of a family of parents who get what it is to grieve. We would love to know about your Girl and your life...when you are ready.

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Gretchen, why not take another look at the video that Wade made of our kids. Yes, just let your feelings and memories of Forest flow through you as you do with your art work. He was such a fun loving and free spirit. 

Susan, Leah, and Becky...sending wishes that you will all soon find yourselves on the mend. Let us know when you are able how you are doing.

We just returned from a brisk walk in the woods along the ski trail. The sun was warm and cheerful. Now with any luck I am going to hold that weatherman to his forecast of -1C on Wednesday or a serious headlock is in order. Pure heaven after the bitter cold. The sun dogs this morning were just beautiful. The sky was an intense blue and the sun was shining brightly. There were two quarter arches like a rainbow on either side of the sun. Just spectacular. 

Niques, I too am so sorry for your loss. Please share with us when you are able. I have been on this site for many years and as painful as it is right now for you I can promise you that there is a light at the end of this pain and sadness. Hold on with both hands. 

Wishing everyone a good evening. Kate 

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nicquesmom you are so very new to grief and the early days are so painful. Although you do not realise it you are in shock for the first year and when you look back it will be a haze. Problems eating and sleeping and being scared is par for the course we have all been there. Just try to stay hydrated and eat small amounts and try to keep to a sleep schedule if at all possible if not take a nap in the early afternoon. Losing your daughter must have been such a shock especially as she was going to start her adult life in CA. You think as a parent that you get them through childhood puberty and into young adulthood and they will be safe and ok. Sadly we know that is not always the case. I lost my 24 yr old son in 2015 in Hawaii where he lived in an accident. Tommy was trying to save his suicidal friend from jumping off a dorm room ledge 14 floors up. When the pleading did not work he climbed onto the ledge with his friend and held his hand and told him he would not go back in without him. Tommy eventually talked him down but the window broke as they were climbing back in and they both fell. Both were critically injured. My Tommy died shortly after in the ER his friend ironically survived and is doing ok working part time but obviously still struggling with some PTSD. We have not been in contact for over a year as I think communicating with me does not help him because it sparks some things he would rather forget and i understand. We said all we needed to a year later when i managed to trace him, he got to aplogise and I forgave him, because i understand his fragile mental health. We all have a tragic story to tell we have all lost a beloved child but it feels good to share with other parents who understand the devastation that causes.

hearthurt the experts recommend not making any major decisions in the first year of loss if possible because the bereaved are so vulnerable and not able to think straight. Emotions run very high and you are very unstable rocking from one emotion to another. I understand the chaos your life is in at the moment because you are also new to grief and I am sorry you and your wife are having such a difficult time. The two sexes react differently and it can make you feel isolated and distant from each other. Moving out may not be right at this moment although I understand the need for personal space. someone else mentioned counselling which could be helpful. if nothing else it is a person who can mediate and explain how trauma and loss can implode relationships in the short term. Several of our group also had difficulties in their marriage but in time were able to overcome them together. I like the oompa loompa story

gretchen what is the tournament for? Is it for a charity or fundraiser? I get you feeling unsure of what to say because it does seem like a long time ago. Ask the person  what their reasoning was in requesting you to speak. Is it because they want to understand child loss? Is it because they want to know your personal story of dealing with Forrest's loss? Do they want to know more about your son? If you know what they are expecting you can give it some thought before you decide to go ahead. If you are not sure you want to speak that is ok too, Forrest would understand if you just did not want to open up your vulnerability again to some people you don't know. I always say trust your instinct, if it feels right go ahead if not then don't. Take some time to decide and think also about how it will make you feel because you are important.

dee sorry to hear you had so little support in getting your classrooms ready after the water and to have money for a trip stolen is horrible. It must weigh on your mind and I hope the district make up the money and not ask families for more money.

kate it is good to hear from parents that did stay and thrive together after loss and your positive outlook is really helpful.

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wow, lots of talk on here.

Hi Lou, I believe!  I believe that we are of mortal-mind and cannot and will not understand all the workings of our Lord.  I found this site shortly after Brian died.  My Brian decided to climb on the outside hood of a car, with another boy.  They drove around our neighborhood. The driver applied the brake at 68 mph.  My Brian hit the ground and died within minutes.  The other boy had no injuries.  The driver was convicted of homicide by negligent use of a motor vehicle.  I know I am living a nightmare.  But my friends here and my 2 surviving children and loving husband help me live each day.

This is not an easy journey.  

Louann - you are too funny.  Yes, we live by Genoa City, Wisconsin.  The actual town is really, really small.  Also,  I believe.  You are here, because you can give and receive help from those that know.

Gretchen. Love the artwork.   Really beautiful.

The 10 year mark is really kicking my butt.  Has anyone else dealt with the 10 year mark?  I thought I was past this.  Even now, the tears flow.  Reality is a tough pill to swallow.

love you all

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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Thank you all.  My daughter was so beautiful, so full of life.  I am trying to contain my grief to one time a day, they have suggested "scheduled grief time".  It seems to be helping a bit, have my one big cry in the morning and I seem to be able to handle the rest of my day a bit better.  I am trying to play with my 4 year old more, I know he will be the one to save me because I need to keep going for him; but its hard.  I worry that my husband will get tired of my crying, I dont know how long he will want to console me, I worry that I will alienate everyone with my sadness.

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Colleen, the tears still flow for me as well, not as often but weekly I'd say, that weekly I get weepy or feel the sting of tears on the ready. I just figure that this is going to always be so.

Lesley, no, the district will not ask for the money from parents, I reimbursed the fund with my money...and they don't seem to want to reimburse me. It is not the district it used to be that is for sure.

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hearthurt1013

Please know that I am here for all of you. I have reached out to some of our neighbors and have gotten told to screw off. I come here to get support, yet I feel I am irritating people. I will be back tomorrow...but not right now. Peace, dreams and Our Lords' rest.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

In Answer to Colleen, I am posting a blog written from someone who is at 19 years. This posting is mostly for those longer in the journey.

https://bereavedparentsblog.wordpress.com/2018/01/09/once-a-mom-always-a-mom/

Tommy's mom, yes it was shocking at the treatment we recieved, especially my daughter.

Gretchen, your artwork was beautiful.

Sandy, thanks for the compliment on Jesse's pic

Niques mom, I am sorry for the loss of your dear daughter...this is a loving place.

Kate, thanks for the encouragement.

My mom is just resting from the procedure...is doing ok. 

 

 

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hearthurt1013

I am going to be online working, so I will be away from the site. I'll check in at noon time during lunch.

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TearsInHeaven

Laurie, thank you for sharing that link.  You have no idea how timely that was for me even though in comparison to some of you I am "relatively" new with only 3 years.  When I was told by my cousin, a newly bereaved mother herself, that after 3 years I should be "over" this by now, along with a few other criticisms, I was well.... sucker punched.  We all know that grief does not come with instructions and we all work through this as best we can as time moves on and we never get "over" it just learn to work through this and adjust to our new normal without our child.  That child is never far from our hearts no matter what the calendar says.  Colleen openly shares with us how year 10 is so difficult and knocking her, Dee  recently shared how her tears still come and I am sure many others can relate and share similar circumstances.  I learn daily how to navigate those steps forward and back.  It is with all who have come to share their stories, it is with all who have so graciously stayed and share their thoughts, pains and progress who will always be so helpful to anyone, myself included, who finds their way here in the darkest of hours.  

Hearthurt-Lou, it is good to talk and I believe you have found a place where there are many to listen.  Your son sounds like such a unique boy who grew to a unique man and your love pours out in your words.  Take things one moment at a time. Grief throws so many boulders and pitfalls at you everything gets battered and bruised.  You and your wife may grief differently as we all do but the love for your family, the love for each other and the love for your son will help you learn your way through this. Talking about your son is good for your heart and we will listen.

Niquesmom, your tears are love and never feel they have no place.  .  You have come to a place where those of us unfortunately know the pain of losing a child. all too well. Right now don't think of how you will get through the rest of your life.  You need to think about the next hour, minute... that is all you can handle right now. There is not a day goes by that I do not think of losing my son and the sorrow is always hanging around my heart. I can probably admit to crying daily still.  Not always the gut wrenching cry from early on but a thought, saying his name, can make the tears come.  . Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening.

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hearthurt1013

Thanks Dianne for your message of support. We are taking it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. At least I have online work to keep me busy. I'll be checking in at 4 PM EST.

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Laurie,

Thank you for the link.  I read the blog and it seems I will carry this grief forever.  I guess I was told that and said it, but the reality of forever (as long as I breath).

Thanks

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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Niquesmom-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear daughter.  The grief is crushing in the very

early times as you are in right now.  Please come back here, and read/post as you feel up to it.

Just having others who understand can help.  Peace to you.

Hearthurt------As Dee and others here have said....no two people grieve exactly alike.  When my

baby, Lisa, died many years ago....my husband and I were just like two islands, floating along in our

own grief.  He would never express much about his feelings.  It caused us to split up for a time,

but we learned that probably no one else would understand the loss as we did,....the grief that befell us.

Again in 2003, when our son, David age 31, passed in a highway crash,  we were to find that , again, we did not

relate too well with each other in the grief process. But we needed each other, just as before.  I hope that there

is a way that you and your wife can slowly work things out.  Billy is with you always.

 

Gretchen---thanks for the nice pic of Forrest. He is such a handsome guy, and has the look of

a gently fun-loving spirit.  

Laurie----I love the waterfall/nature video you posted.  I had dug out some of my old cassette tapes..

and found some that were birds, nature sounds, and distant thunderstorms....so relaxing.  ( I have

David's stereo from years back that had a tape deck.....I don't know if you can still even buy cassette players

anymore....they're part of the past :huh: )  Also,  thanks for the nice pic of Jesse David...he is handsome,

and will always be with you... and baby Taylor too.  Peace to you, friend.  

 

Dianne----Sorry that your cousin has been unkind to you...especially since you have been trying so hard

to help her and ease things. Who knows what goes through others minds, huh?   I've learned that I do

well keeping to myself most of the time.  I stay out here on the farm and content myself with my many interests.

I'm not a hermit, but I keep to myself.  It may not work for others, but it works for me. :)

Dee------So nice you got out for a winter walk.  I walked our snow-covered lane, twice today.....going to

the mailbox.  Took some pics of the winter scenes.  Below zero tonight.....Chicago too, I guess.

 

Lesley-----Yes, I agree.....the death of a child can cause relationships/marriages to be wiped out, or

severely strained.  My husband and I were so far apart in the grief process, with Lisa's death, and then

David's death .  After Lisa's death,  David was born a year later.  What a wonderful thing it was to have

him so soon. Now they are both gone.  Passing years  help to 'soften'  the pain.   I believe our angels

are always with us.  Tommy must be looking down and smiling on you, to warm your heart.

Kate----what a nice outing and lunch you & your husband had in Winnepeg.   I believe things like this

are a balm for the soul.

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

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I went to my first grief counseling appointment. Asked about coping techniques for the Flashbacks, she suggested EMDR (Eye movement Desensitization and Reprocesing), has anyone tried this?  any success?  I have so many good thoughts of my daughter , I dont want to keep reliving the moments in the hospital.

 

Thank you for all the kind words and thoughts, I know eventually I will find a "new normal", I will keep reading even if I dont post a lot.

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Niques, I have heard of it, but you are so early on in your grief, I would say that some of the reliving is part of the process. I may be wrong but processes, even when so hard as this, are the necessary piece of moving forward...I am not saying you should not do EDMR...just wondering if it isn't mighty early in the grief process to do so. I have heard positive things about this and some who have not felt it did help, but either way, I almost feel that simply being with your grief is most important for the first several months. You will not forget the good moments even in these reliving of the saddest ones. I remember finding that I needed to change my physical self when the reliving became habitual...so I would get on my bike, ( it was summer) or call a friend or sister to make myself tune into some other topic to take me out of the reliving of the worst moments...until I could finally use these strategies to bolster myself against the PTSD I was experiencing. Again, if you choose to use this method, let us know how it is going and if it is something good for your journey.

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My girl is in heaven

Colleen. I will be 7 this year. I have never had the feeling that how many years feels any worse or better.  I will always remember your Brian and my Kira on June 19th though. 

Niques I can’t express my sorrow enough for your loss of your lovely daughter.  I lost a 17 year old daughter six years to go from an apparent cardiac arrthymia.  I was completely zoned out in shook for months.  Couldn’t even cry for the longest time, . I know how your heart is breaking for all that could have been.  Just to put one foot in front is all you can hope for right now.  Keep coming here I promises you you do not have to walk this journey alone. There are many hands to hold here.  EMDR was booked for me but when I looked intio it it didn’t sound like it as for me so I cancelled.  

 

 Lou .  I love your presence here,

. I hope we can help each other,  you certainly add a very different flavour here and are most certainly welcomed. I hope you and your wife work things out . The lost of a child puts enormous strain on a family.   I can tell you just little baby steps  just limping along is all u can do right now,.   This is so new and raw for you and your wife. Please ignore the ignorant uncaring people.  Cause none of us are like that on here.  You will never me alone in this journey.  Just reach out.  Lou. 

.  

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Just a quick update.  I haven't felt the greatest here, and so much to do.  We got a mini blizzard Wednesday and it left my driveway blocked in.  It took me several days to get it cleared, especially with not feeling the greatest.  Sena helped a little bit, but guess I am to picky and want it done right, so I kept going over what she did.  Bless her heart.   My son has been out of town with his father, so we were quite alone.

I am feeling better, the ER had sent me to a surgeon here in town, and nobody wants to operate, they want me to go to my previous surgeon since I am kind of messed up inside with previous surgeries.  So I went to my appointment and she will do it a week from today.

I am sorry I haven't comented.. I am reading, I enjoy reading even the sad posts.. wish I could hug each and everyone of you.   You all touch people in so many ways..  Dee.. Kate.. Sherry.. Coleen.. Susan.. Dianne.. Louanne.. Lesley.. Gretchen.. those I haven't named  (getting so forgetful)...  Hearthurt and Niques mom..  this site is such a blessing.. In all the heartbreak there has been strength of angels.

Thinking of you all

Leah

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Well friends,

Here I sit on my couch with a robe on.  It is Wednesday morning and I should be at work.  Just not feelin it.  This lack of sun, new year, and the unbelievable length of time I have lived without Brian is just kicking my butt.

Leah - stay warm and take care of yourself.  No need to apologize for not commenting.  Sometimes, reading and contemplating is just as good.

Lou - I agree with Louann, you are a true joy on this site.  Here, we share experiences that have worked or not worked for us.  This way, each chooses their own path.

Niques - I too re-lived the accident scene, my Brian convulsing on the ground and the sound of the flight-for-life helicopter.  The police saying to me "We think he was ON the car?"  And me asking the other boy, "Was Brian on the car?"  And he shook his head...yes.  These flashbacks became panic attacks.  For me, this lasted several months.  I was able to return to work, which helped force me to think of something else (did not always work).  Be kind to yourself.  Let us know if the EDMR works for you. 

Hope each of you find one reason to smile today.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

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niques I have to agree with the wise words from Dee. EMDR has very good results for PTSD but it is too early to be as effective. I believe you will benefir more from that therapy further on in your recovery. Right now you really need to immerse yourself in the grief and think about it and relive it. I know that is so painful and the natural instinct is to avoid and shove the feelings down but that is very detrimental to your mental healthh. People who do avoid and hide their feelings often get a rebound effect sometimes a few years later when dealing with another life crisis of any sort and it comes back big time and knocks you sideways. This early time is when people expect you to fall apart and you get most support. Later on friends and sometimes family drift away and are not always there when you need them. A death causes big ripples. I know it sounds weird when you are crying out for help to let you cope with the here and now but counselling grief therapy EMDR etc are only effective when the shock has worn off and you are ready to face things head on and process them. You have to be strong enough to listen and reflect and take in what is being said and that usually takes a few months. Here you will get support listening ears and people who understand what you are going through.

leah glad the surgery will go ahead, you can live perfectly well without a gall bladder. You have more than enough to cope with so do not feel guilty for not posting come when you can and give us updates as you feel able and know we are always here for you ok?

I noticed Rainie another member posted on a different thread, perhaps some of you who know her could reply and encourage her to post here as I suggested. She has lost two sons so could do with our support when she is struggling.

sherry you  expressed so eloquently how grief can drive a wedge between parents and it is isolating but that with work it can recede and you find the strength to come together and support each other. You are a beacon of hope to all who struggle with their personal relationships after their loss and you succeeded twice after losing both a baby and an adult son and have a strong caring marriage. Good to know.

Be_gentle_with_yourself.jpg.93812ad8a6c7ecf12f329d988dd003b7.jpg

c4ed16ec79165fad51d8f9e42b302ba1.jpg.0cbab41929803fc38ef6b67034755ff7.jpg

 

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colleen I hear you. a new year for us is actually a sad kind of milestone isn't it?

c7e403fbec631dbbe83016475eefe556--native-quotes-native-american-quotes.jpg.26112235ac7d3361009e292e3ec2e182.jpgcf036bb83ac63b40077ff3367aa06717--chronic-pain-quotes-invisible-illness-pain-chronic.jpg.18ec13881b9cc10f84de9119633b5148.jpg

 

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Lesley, I agree with you: Sherry, your words were so helpful to those whose marriages have changed due to the loss of thier CHILD, how could marriages stay the same when the world changed for you? So to give the hope you did about your own marriage and experience is like a piece of gold, and I tip my hat and raise my coffee cup to you.

Colleen, it is okay to be grieving anew right now...for whatever reason, whether it being a benchmark like 10 years or other factors in your spirit/life, you need to do just as you are, letting it come through and find and discover its properties. I am at 14.5 years, as is Sherry, we still have these times of big blues, sadtimes that curb us for a while, it just is what this loss is. Our love is lifelong, so is our grief, not always in this shape and weight, but for now, it is, so let it be but if it becomes more cumbersome or makes living happily for more than a month  or so, you may want to seek a bit of assistance. I swear by therapy, when I go down like this, I re-up with my therapist and do some meetings with her to find new tools. We change as we age, and as we age, we handle things differently and our nervous system changes...mind/body is inseperable. (can't spell).

Leah, super news that you will have surgery, it is time to start feeling better everyday.

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There have been no shortage of articles bemoaning the fact that our relationships with smartphones have superseded our relationships with real live people. It has been my observation that we don't talk to one another any longer...and when we do it is by way of texting.We are losing the art of communicating with one another on a face to face level. It's not just about talking... but the value of being able to actually listen. I have a neighbour that keeps a basket on the entrance hall table in her home. All cell phones are to be dropped into that basket for the duration of the visit and picked up as they leave. If it is her kids coming for the weekend? Well, so be it. No cells.

I'm not sure why my husband and I survived the initial grief period. We have been together for many years. We have always considered everything as a joint effort. Not this is mine and that yours, etc. Our grief is just that "Ours" to be shared. We carried each other over some very rough patches...and we did it together. It's how we have always done things I guess. And we talk, talk, talk... and we listen. We let it out before irritating issues start to fester and become a problem. We try to resolve the issue by each working at trying to see the other persons side of things. And when that does not always work we somehow work at meeting in the middle. Somehow it appears to have worked. 

Leah, good luck with your surgery. I truly know the pain of gall bladder attacks. I am confident that this surgery will bring the much needed relief that you are needing. Good luck.

Colleen, hold on with both hands. I agree that is will always be an uphill battle to carry this loss. Some times it just seems harder to get through the days. Hopefully the next while will bring some sunshine back into your life again. 

LouAnn...I know that the period around your fathers death was a difficult one for all involved. Tempers flare and words can fly. I am sorry that you are having to go through this along with your loss. Take one day at a time and try not to focus on it as much. Keep as busy as you can and with any luck things will soften in time with the family dynamics.

Our weather did indeed warm up to a lovely +1C today. The sun shone and it gives me hope for planning my garden in a few months. Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

Kate :)

 

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hearthurt1013

It has been a long and tiring day. We are OK, but exhausted. We are hitting the rack early tonight. I'll be back on tomorrow morning before I go online at 1 PM for work.

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 Lou, hang in there...it is early days yet.This grieving process will show you many ups and downs. It can be very draining. Sleep well.

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My girl is in heaven

Niques moms.  Glad you got a counsellor. Right now to just put that one foot in front of the other would be enough. I suffered from PTSD for several months or years don’t even know now.  My daughter collapsed and died in the tub and I pulled her out.  But eventually they became less prominent and sometimes I still will have a trigger that takes me back to that day but not like the beginning.  I was on a lot of medication for PTSD too.  I wish I could take those sights and sounds away from all of us. So unfair to have to live with the loss as well as those heart breaking sights and sounds.  Remember day, hour or even one minute at a time right now.  No further. You might be lucky and have super good friends and family around you right now.  I thought I did too, but found that one at a time they all dropped off and went back to thier lives and act like your child never was.  That has been the most sobering and heart breaking of anything for me  was when you realize nobody cares. If that happens to you don’t keep letting them hurt you time after time, we on this site will always be here and understand.  You will never be judged on how you grieve or how long you grieve.  It’s a life long journey.  My heart is breaking for you right now as I remember the beginning.  But is good u have found this site.  We will rejoice when we see you find a tiny bit of light and will pick you up when u stumble and fall.  And I know u might not believe it right now but in time you will learn to weave this into your life and  the light will find a place to peak thru.  Take care dear friend.  My heart is breaking right along with yours.  Luanne

colleen.  Everyone is entitled to those stay in your housecoat days. Unfortunately cause I don’t work I do that far more than I should.  I don’t know what 10 will feel like for you but will know what June 19 will feel like.  Dee and sherry and others good for you to have been on here so long to help light the way for the rest of us.   Sadly there are always newbies.  

Leah,  good luck with surgery. Sending prayers your way.

georgina, Susan...how r you guys doing these days.

thanks Kate.  The thing is I was doing ok with my dads death all the days in the hospital. All of us got a good visit and goodbye with him  I hen just cause I broke down and cried when he took his last breath they said my dad didn’t have a peaceful death.  That is the most hurtful thing I have ever had said to me.  How could someone say that to another person.  That’s beyond cruel.  Especially when they knew it was my daughter taking her grandpa to heaven.  Still trying to see if I can pull my way thru this one. I was so so sure that this sister was going to always be there for me.  So many different issues to deal with at once. But I still think our new buddy Lou was a sign from my dad . Just too many coincidences and for me to be first one on  that site, I know that was my dad and Kira saying u keep going.  i got my name from my dad , I was 4th girl so they had to name somebody Lou.  And besides how often do you come across somebody with the name Lou, right new buddy.  U were a sign .

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hearthurt1013

I am online working right now. I will be checking in later on today. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

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I feel kind of weird right now. The friend ted who was in the room when Tommy fell had videoed the incident drunkenly thinking they would be able to get Patrick off the ledge and they would celebrate. Quickly realised that the kid was totally serious about jumping you can hear him screaming and crying and saying "I'm sorry I'm so f.... sorry" Ted was yelling at Tommy to save him and that's when Tommy climbed out to bring Patrick in. Ted is a budding rap artist and one of the ways he has dealt with his PTSD is through his lyrics. He sends me links and I listen to them. His latest rap he warned me was graphic. I thought about it and replied that I appreciated the heads up. It felt surreal listening to it and there was actual recording of the shouting and chaos and then having not heard my son's voice for 28 whole months I hear him say to the police officer  who was in the room by then "I'm not going to let this f......g kid die I'm going to freaking save him. Let me do that. please" Then there is more shouting, glass shatters and you can hear the thud as the two hit the ground and Ted screaming "No no no". Not sure how I feel really. This is a true account of what happened, Ted's lyrics are powerful see below and I appreciate this part of his therapy but to hear the actual footage was chilling. I cried hearing my boy's voice again after so long and I am still so proud of what he did to save Patrick who did survive but it was hard to listen to. I have made my peace with what happened and don't have the nightmares about Tommy falling and being injured anymore after a lot of therapy I may add. Ted does not want Tommy's bravery to be forgotten he has a full length body tattoo of him and mentions him in a lot of his music it had an obviously profound effect on his life losing his best friend.

"We threw an on-campus party To break in the new apartment The music started And booze was taken straight to the noggin It was truly poppin' All my homies, including Thomas But a cool little party At two in the morning Ended with somebody dead by 3:15 Anybody in the room would’ve saw me Lose my **** Stick around and you might get Help if you’ve been through a crisis Might help you get through the night And kids, do the right **** If you get put in my shoes that night, ‘cause (Hook) This is the story Of how a hero died And his name was Tommy Bennett Listen, I'm far from finished Consider this song a snippet There's infinite thoughts I'll give In rememberance, y'all, and this is... This is the story Of how a hero died Long Live Tommy Couldn't stop him from falling This isn't God that I'm calling I'm telling y'all that I'm sorry With all this darkness upon me (Verse) (Tommy, save Patrick) Said it three times That’s a hat trick Couple minutes later, it was practiced Half his body out there hanging over campus Had his arm in my hand, pulling him, and this Crazy motherfucker said, “Let me go and I’ll save him” It took little to no persuasion I said, “Okay then,” Heavy intoxication let me go with that statement Knowing that it was dangerous (Hook) (Verse) If I didn’t let him, he would be alive If I took a second just to realize If I hit his head, then he would be alive If I didn’t tell him save that teenager’s life Third verse, repeating lines If I didn’t film him, he would be alive If I didn’t have my fucking beady eyes On that screen of mine, he would be alive Glass broke, and he backstroked That’s when I should’ve dashed forward That window wasn’t cracked open No screen installed, and no latch for it That’s when I would’ve grabbed for him Maybe then he would’ve gained balance Either that, or pulled me out with him Face first, with that same sadness (Hook) This is the story Of how a hero died And his name was Tommy Bennett Listen, I'm far from finished Consider this song a snippet There's infinite thoughts I'll give In rememberance, y'all, and this is... This is the story Of how a hero died Long Live Tommy Couldn't stop you from falling This isn't God that I'm calling I'm telling you that I'm sorry With all this darkness upon me" -  dedicated to Tommy.

I cannot share this with my family obviously, I will with my mental health worker, but feel I can share with you guys as you also have had traumatic events. Sorry I am kind of rambling I just hear my boy's voice and it makes me happy and yet so sad all at once you know.

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Mermaid Tears

Hello sweet friends....well...this has been quite a journey...I am home now....after many, many days in the hospital...long story short.....I had a 'whipple surgery'....a long surgery and now...I am in for a long recovery period. All the news is good....they got all the cancer...obstruction. I am so thankful for my family and friends...all the amazing care and compassion and love being poured over me. I have tried to catch up with all the posts....just can't do it for now. I feel John David very near me. Have missed hearing all the news from all of you....please...stay in touch with each other and that is how we heal and help.

  a photo of our Veto....and his sweet Mama....and I read this today...and felt it was like my home...surrounded by items and furniture from Great Grandparents...Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles..and parents.....there is a memory and story to every item in my home....

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Susan, oh how glad I am to hear from you. I was very worried. You have been missed more than you will ever know. I am really sorry that you had such a scare, but know that now that you are at home surrounded by your family giving you the care you so deserve that you will slowly recover fully. Just relax and let nature heal you. You have been through so much. The picture of Veto is adorable. My how he is growing into quite the little charmer. Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. 

Lesley, how difficult to listen to your sweet boy at those critical moments. I know the feeling is one of anxiousness. He was a true hero in his selfless act. It must be very difficult to relive those last moments. Sending HUGS your way. 

Lou, thanks for checking in to see if everyone is ok.

Leah, how are you doing? When is your surgery scheduled for? Good luck and let us know when you can how things went.

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Oh Glorious Day to know you are healing Susan, we missed you and were very worried about you. I don't think that I knew you had such a serious issue until your post before going back into the hospital...wow! Your family must be super relieved to have you home again...on the mend. What are your next steps? Must you do chemo or anything like that? I know that the smile on your Tay's pretty face is the same smile she has knowing that her Grandmom is home now. Heal and don't worry about reading so many days of posts, suffice it to know that we have all found our way to today...and that we have two new members.

Oh Lesley, what a shock to the whole system/ spirit/ soul/ heart/ and the balance you have worked so hard to strike. I cried when I read this, and while the tribute is so honorable, so from his sweet friends' heart, it is so so hard I would think, to hear your Boy after this time and know that his moments in his short life have been recorded. Whoa! I am just holding your hand knowing that this would throw me as well. So torn between the beauty of the tribute, the beauty of your Red-Haired-Boy, and the tragedy of the split second. Hugs Girl. Tommy is digging that song I am sure, and hugging his friend for the notoriety.

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My girl is in heaven

Oh dear Lesley. How horrible to have to hear that. I would not have survived that. I guess the boy is paying tribute to tommy but isnt that going too far. At least he gave you a heads up. But still i cant believe how that must have gutted you to hear that. My heart is just breaking for you rigjt now and like dee am teary eyed. U have come so far and r a beacon of light to so many. I almost feel angry that this boy would do this but it is all about how u feel. Did u come away with some peace or just torment. Hold on tight dear friend as u will probably be processong this for awhile. I wish i could come over to your house and make u a nice warm drink and i would just keep hugging you . U know we r all here for you..just reach out whatever yoy r feeling.
Susan
So glad to hear from you and best wishes for a speedy recovery. Vito is sweet as ever. Keep us up to date how u are doing.

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Thank you everybody for all the caring..

Kate.. I go to surgery next Wednesday..  so far so good, 

I went out of town today for guardianship court and now have complete care of Sena.  It is the parents rights at sometime in the future to come back and try to take her back, but I doubt they will.  I got to see my little grandson..  breaks my heart.. he should be here with me...    bad feelings here.. I feel cheated.. Sena wants her brother.. I guess only time will tell.

I will keep you informed.. going to go to bed.. tired out, been a long day.. Bless you all

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Lesley - it is a blessing and a curse to get to hear their voice again, I have a few voicemails from my daughter, nothing special but still can hear her voice, terrified they might get deleted and I would forgot what she sounds like, your son was blessed to have a friend who cared so much for him, I am so sorry for the pain

 

Louann - thank you for the kind words, I am clinging to the fact that all of this will lessen, I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later

 

Lou - I think i is amazing that you check on everyone, I can barely keep track of myself, you are awesome

Colleen - I actually want to make my daughters blanket that i cuddle with at night into a coat so i can just stay in my "blanket" all day and not feel bad about it :)  we have to do what we can do, and if that means staying on the sofa so we don't bite some unsuspecting strangers head off because they looked at us wrong, so be it :)

 

I am going to a support group tonight just for parents hat have lost children, hoping it helps a bit (not feeling the group that is just for "loss", its not that losing my daughter is worse than their loss, its just a different loss)

 

Peace to all

Virginia

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Well I guess I shouldn’t complain I’ve got two games I’m watching and just realized LA game is on at ten. But still it’s January, few days away from Kira’s birthday and I’m finding. I feel like I’m on a middle line and can swoop one way or the other. My family and especially my one sister have hurt me so bad.  I totally didn’t see any of that coming in the days before.  I’m really missing the boat on this one.  Cause I just can’t see why breaking down and crying at my dads bedside when he just died is inappropriate.  I don’t get it. And since nobody will talk to me I might never know.  Anyway I know he is with my Kira and nobody can take that away.  I just feel like the little bit of ground I had gained this year is gone but I’m going to fight hard to get it back.   And my circle gets yet smaller.  I am so guarded now.  I know my husband is here all day but I just keep checking my front door to see it is locked.  And bless his soul he is not a cheery person himself but is trying hard to bring me up a little.  I need to get some control back in my life and some normalcy as it is for us bereaved parents.  Maybe tomorrow I will get up and decide to carry on with what I need to do.  Lots of buckets in basement to go thru but they will be painful., but need to be gone thru. Tomorrows got to be better right.  I know I make a really good blueberry coffee cake.  I’ll make one for you guys tomorrow and everyone  come over at 300.   Now that would really make me happy.

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thanks friends for your support I appreciate it. It is odd but I feel ok with that song now. It felt so good to hear my son's voice again. I appreciate his friend Ted wants to honour Tommy and keep him alive in people's memories and wow what a story of bravery it was. I would still rather Tommy had not risked his life and lost his in the process but glad patrick made it so it was not a waste.I have done so much therapy and self reflection that I can now pick myself up quite quickly after falling and analyse information and situations more clearly. I just wanted to share that with you all because it was very personal to me thanks for listening

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hearthurt1013

Good Morning Everybody: I am online working right now. Feel free to reach out to me if you need me. Have a great day!

Lou

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hearthurt1013

Well, it looks like the misses and I are coming down with colds or bronchitis. I feel like crud and completly run down. YUCH! I threw my back out when I coughed. I hope none of you get clobbered like this. It sucks.

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TearsInHeaven

Susan, so glad to see you up to posting.  You had quite a surgery done. I know that John David was right there with you the entire time.  I knew you were quite ill but I must not have know what all you were facing.  I fervent prayers and positive thoughts are out there for you.  Give yourself plenty of time to heal.  Consider this a hug from a friend.

Luanne, hang in there during these days.  They will knock you for a loop but you have a strength and all of us to hang onto.   No hockey for us this week.  The Hawks are on vacation----except they have played like they are on vacation....and now Crawford, the goalie, who has been out for weeks may be done for the year.  Looks like no playoffs in Chicago unless things really start to turn around.

Lesley, what a beautiful tribute Tommy's friend did for him... a treasure but a sadness to hear his voice especially during that intense and difficult time. He was standing there beside you while you listened . Michel's friend did something similar for him but obviously not at the intense time. They were producing cartoons...in the genre of a South Park, Beevis and whomever. I truly never got it but they were pretty popular.  After Michael died he did one as a tribute and at the end he had Michael's voice.  It was tough but beautiful.  He ended it with a laugh from Michael and his laugh was so "unique".  So special for us.

Hearthurt Lou- sorry to hear you and your wife are sick.So much going around even though the weather has been too cold for anything to live.  Not sure where you are in the States. I am in the Midwest, close to Chicago but across the Indiana border and we have had brutal cold.  Me... I am a warm weather person so this has been a lot of indoors for me. Take care of yourselves.

Dee, that is awful about your school district and how they turn a blind eye towards the classrooms and their teachers.  I read so much about the Chicago Public Schools and it is pathetic. Not sure if you fall under them but Illinois and their governor ..... well enough said. 

I know I have used these before and I know some of you enjoy the winter but.....

 

 

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