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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Mom of Justin

i was so sorry to read of ur loss.  

I have lost two sons one to a motorcycle accident at 21 / and then one to suicide at 34. 

Please know I care and am here if u need a listening and caring and understanding , without judgement ear

Rainie, Rocky & Ronnies mom ~

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My girl is in heaven

Oh Rainie, dear friend. Am so glad to hear from you.  Please tell us how things have been going for you.  I remember you being one of many kind gentle souls who were there for me when I first came here.  I have wondered so many times how you have been getting along.  I hope your back to stay.  Luanne , Kira’s mom

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Leah, so sorry to hear that you are suffering with a gall bladder attack. I know how painful it is and hope the surgeon will operate as soon as he is able to give you relief.You have had more than your fair share of health issues this past while. I, too, wish I lived closer to be of some help.

 I have not been feeling very well myself the past little while and so have been reading but not up to posting. Has anyone heard has Susan is doing?

Thinking of everyone and sending love to ALL, Kate

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x.png.e2f617cf169ae85b4d53f0b6df24e8c1.png

dee global warming is such a worry. The extremes of weather and natural disasters occuring are a clear result of that. Also we need to fight the major demon PLASTIC which is polluting oceans and blighting the land. I signed a petition recently to ask McDonalds to stop using straws and other plastic as they are responsible for so much plastic waste. I would love to think mega corporations could change their habits but it is perhaps a forlorn hope.

Louann Kira and her grandad are definitely together and watching over you, no doubt at all. I know spring is a long ways off for you but you can look at garden catalogs and start a plan for what you can grow and where you want it. Does not have to be a big plot maybe close to your front door or visible from the family room. You can also plant in pots because they warm up quicker than the ground. Looking at plants and cataloge cheers my soul and I also look at pinterest a website with people's ideas and photos. While you have snow go sledding make snow angels and snowmen walk in the crisp air and find some brief happiness in acting like a kid.

sherry thanks for the kind words, it is important for us to try and post motivating stuff or happier times to demonstrate there is a way through grief it is not all always gloom doom and sadness. Sharing stories about how we have bounced back or forgiven someone or done something good in the memory of our spirit children is important. My mental health worker lost her fiancee in may in a motorbike accident. She told me yesterday she was inspired by me giving money to a charity in memory of Tommy and donated to our air ambulance. She said even though they could not save her fiancee they need money to save others and she will make it an annual gift. Great news!

rainie you are back with us!! :) Glad you got my email with the link info.

kate sorry you are not feeling well take care. The Aussie flu has hit the UK and is very nasty lasting over 2 weeks and leaves people feeling drained for a while longer after that.

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Dianne, love the ONE EARTH piece. Lesley, I have always watched the climate and how it is changing, and I teach it in science/reading non fiction and sadly, with recent legislation, it is going to become even more dire...we must get loud...LOUD, and use our voting privileges to call for change.

RAINE, good to see you again, I do so hope you are finding your way on this broken path...

Becky? Sandy? and all Others we don't see often, doing okay?

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Well it is cold here and I hate it. Forest was cold natured too. We did get the ceiling of my studio insulated so I was able to finish the collage I was working on. 

Louanne my daughter Allison is next in line after Forest. She had my first grandbaby Madelyn 4.5 months after he died. Then she had my granddaughter Lyra then Preston. My next child is a son, Logan and my youngest son is Marshall. Forest death has been really hard on all of us and has changed our family dynamics so much. It doesn't have the cohesion and closeness it did before. When I say my beautiful family was shattered it truly feels like that. It is glued back together the best it can be but it just is never going to be the close family it was. Forest was such a major binding factor and there is just so much pain beneath. I don't know. I don't even want to talk about it. I am very glad I had them all together and life was beautiful once. More than many people get so I won't complain. I love my children it just is so different now.

I have noticed lately I'm afraid something will happen to one of them. I don't even ask them to the house. It is a 60 mile drive down a dangerous highway and I am afraid. I don't know why this has happened suddenly. 

Here is the collage though.

20180111_215124-1.jpg

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Dee, how did you make out with the broken pipes at school this week?

Colleen and Sherry, I will take that temp any day to ours. It is ridiculously cold and I am miserable about it. It sounds as if your cat knows her mind and is a smart gal.

Dianne, I am sorry about your friends son. I also worry about the global warming issue. Living where we do we are at a vantage point to witness the first hand effects as it affects our planet. I so worry about the warming of the  ice up north and particularly how it affects the animals. I seem to recall that when our older son lived in Ireland he told us that they were the first country to ban the use of  plastic bags and switched to cloth bags for groceries, etc. We are fiends up here at recycling.  

Lesley, thanks for your kind thoughts. The flu is definitely hitting us in this part of the world as well. They claim that only 17% of Canadians took the shot this season. It is not a pandemic, but it is definitely on the upswing. The elderly and vulnerable are always the ones to get hit hard. We have had 100 deaths so far. Love, love, love your plan to have a plaque placed at the church in honor of your Tommy. Great idea! Also, happy to hear that your aunt is on the mend. She is very lucky to have a niece as devoted as you.

Louann, it is hockey non stop in our place. Hubby is glued to most games if we are at home. Are you going to watch any of the Olympics? I guess with the time change it will have to be the days highlights for me. I have always loved the figure skating. My name will be mud with my girlies if I don't take in the skiing as well. My brother told me that they have had six feet of snow up in Collingwood. They go up there on the weekends to ski. 

Gretchen, you should share some of your latest art pieces with us. Tina is a budding artist and I bet you two could share some ideas. Get her to show you her picture of her Xmas tree. You are going to love it.

Susan, if you are reading...I am thinking of you and wishing you the best and a very speedy recovery from your operation. We miss you! Get well soon.

Raine, I have never had the opportunity to speak to you. I am happy to see that you are back. Hang in there. There are so many ups and downs on this journey. Sometimes just reading is all we can muster.

Tina, I bet you are exhausted after your first couple of weeks of training. How are you liking it so far?

Leah, you know I am sending wishes for better days ahead. Get well soon!

Not much new to report. Have been ill this week and just taking it easy. It looks as if Ross is now coming down with the same thing. 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Gretchen. I know what you mean about the closeness being gone. We are all thankful for our children we have left, but if we had a 100 kids we still feel the loss of that one.  Yes life was beautiful.at one time but not for us anymore.  But still we must go on.  Before Kira died I was so paranoid about everything with kids.  Guess I thought if I worried and had everything covered I could keep them safe. I really thought I could keep them safe. You have a beautiful family and love all the names. Guess we still just have to keep gluing those pieces in place. Your collage didn’t come thru may u can send it again.  I’d love to see your work. Take care. 

Kate I’m afraid I’m one of those ones who didn’t get my flu shot.  I felt really weak, shaky, and like my heart was slowing way down today thought I was going to faint.  Ok now. Maybe I’m catching something too.  Sorry you guys aren’t feeling the best. Hope it doesn’t last long. We went for a drive to Collingwood last summer. Found a really nice fish and chip place there we want to go back to sometime. Im thinking about suggesting it on Kira’s birthday 21st but don’t know yet.  I’m only into hockey. Hate ice skating, skiing, curling.  Collingwood about 2 hours away. Very pretty town.  Wow too bad we didn’t live closer. Ross and I could watch the hockey together.  My husband only watches a little so I end up yelling and screaming at the tv alone.  I know this sounds mean but I love when the linesmen or refs fall or somebody takes them out. Ha ha.  And of course the fights. And always hope for a Gordie Howe hat trick.  

As much as I’m trying not to I know my depression is starting to increase. I can’t get off the couch again and stay in pjs most of the time. Oh I am so hoping this latest stuff doesn’t weigh me down too much.  My dad was 87, was still driving a week before he died, and got to stay in his home since 1959.He did not have cancer or any illnesses. He just simply wore out. He knew it was his time and he looked forward to seeing Kira.  He lingered for a few days in hospital but was not in any pain and no matter what my siblings say I know he passed peacefully.  I think that is about as good a deal as life can give you.  I still miss him and can’t believe I won’t hear his voice again but I felt very good about being with my dad to sing, hum, read bible verses, talk about what him and Kira would be doing in heaven, holding his hands and gently stroking his forehead.   Even in my fragile state (as we will alll be in to some degree),  I was pleased that I did the very best for my dad. Of course only to have my family come crashing down me physically and emotionally and someone who wasn’t even in the room tell me I prevented him from having a peaceful passing cause I cried.  Just struggling to get past this. Guess it might take awhile.  Well hockey just starting I know my dad would approve of that.  Hey sherry...you got the blue jackets...Columbus in Ohio right.? They r playing Vancouver tonight.  Take care everyone. 

 

 

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hearthurt1013

Luanne- You sound like a really wonderful wife and mother. I know from having 5 children and 4 grand-children that worry is number one on the hit parade of responsibilities. And, yes....when one is lost or missing we absolutely do feel the loss. It reminds me of the parable of the Prodigal Son and how his father rejoiced at his return. What we did not do is cancel our celebration of the holidays. Billy would not want us to stop living. And fortunately on Monday, my best friend, his wife and 6 year old little girl "kidnapped" us and took care of the misses and me. You remind me of Maria (my wife) when it comes to hockey...only with Maria it is football, especially the Packers. I am a Giants fan. Neither one of us is raised to cuss or use expletives...BUT during football season, WOW! Like me, yet unlike me,  Billy lived in his head, not much for the externals like football or baseball. He would watch the games with me but he liked reading more. Like me he enjoyed Chaucer, John Milton and Shakespeare and started to read when he was 4. By the time he was 8, he would debate with adults. One day he called me at the office to explain to me the fact that he NEEDED a hamster, not he wanted one. I told him I needed to see a clean room, grades, etc.His answer was that this conversation was " for naught and his objectives were not being met!" I got home and asked the misses who was it that I was talking to. Her answer was, "your son". I said what do you mean and she asked if I had listened to me....that I sounded like I swallowed an encyclopedia! He could have been an attorney...he always tried to negotiate with us about bed time, etc.  What is really sad is that his little neice will never know her wonderful uncle. I believe that if we keep the memories alive of those we have lost then they aren't really gone, per se, just waiting for us to join them at Christ's table. For all those that post here, know that I am for one glad that I found a place to post my feelings and I thank you.

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My girl is in heaven

Heart hurt 1013.  Looks like u found your way here.  I’m not very tech savvy so I couldn’t tell u about setting defaults or anything.  I’m so glad u found us though. It just gives me the shivers when u talk about your son suddenly collapsing because that is what happened to my healthy daughter too.  It’s a hard thing to wrap your head around isn’t it?  Your Billy sounds like a great kid, very mature beyond his years as a kid.  I love that you have that hamster story to remember.  Yes so sad the new ones didn’t get to know him but I’m sure you will all tell her about her uncle Billy as she grows up.  I have two sons in thier 20s but no grandchildren yet. As far as how others treat you, I’m 6 years into this and t has been a very long hard lesson for me.  This might sound bitter, but this has been my experience.  Everyone at the funeral home with thier phony baloney “I’m so sorry, let me know if I can do anything, I’ll be thinking of you, I’ll give u a call sometime”.  They walked out of that funeral home with one thought only “phew, I’m glad it wasn’t my kid”. And before they drove out of the parking lot it was over for them. Some hang around a little longer than others but one by one they all drop off...family and friends.  I even got fired from my job of 29 years cause I was so depressed and upset about losing my daughter....they didn’t care. Somebody said to me once people don’t give a rats ass of your tragedy unless it directly affects them.  I thought we’ll surely that can’t apply to child loss..nobody could be so uncaring about a grieving parent.   Well...oh yes they can.  I said to myself one day. Where did everybody go.  Then I figured it out.  They went back to the day before my daughter died and kept right on going with thier life.  Sad but oh so true.  I’m not trying to scare u that no one will care.  Maybe you’ll be the lucky one who has true friends and family. But most people will probably be like your client. And remember people will set thier time line when you should be over it. I just want you to know that the people on this site will ALWAYS be here for you. You will never be judged on how you grieve or how long it takes.  It’s a life long journey that none of us want to be on. We rejoice when someone makes a tiny step forward and will catch you when u stumble and fall.  Well sorry if I’m yapping too much, just want to welcome you aboard but am so sad for the circumstances.  And I agree we will meet them at Christ’s table someday.  Take care my friend and know we are all holding your hands. Luanne

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Gretchen, I adore your collage...and while you are aching inside, there is beauty finding its way to the canvas. I have had that scary thought since...maybe forever, I am always anxious about those I love and I don't know that there will be a time I don't. I just get scared adn have to frequently talk myself down.

Kate, I am sorry to read that you have not been feeling well...I will send some good wishes your way for sure. Our school is okay, just old and not kept up at all. It is not what it should be and I am sad about it as it reflects the attitude of those in higher level positions...we are not respected. And if you do not respect teachers...you have no care for the kids.

Hearthurt, I am so sad that you find yourself here, but glad that you found us for the ways we help one another. Please tell us about your Charming Boy when you can...when you are able. We are here and we will listen. Nothing easy about this road, but no reason to walk alone.

 

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Kate and Leah so sorry to see you are both under the weather. I wish you both speedy recoveries. It is hard on the spirit to be incapacitated by illness.

Hearthurt my son died before any of my grandchildren were born. It is one of the many things that sadden me. He would have loved them so much and been such a fun uncle. I wear his picture in a locket with a few strands of hair that uncle forest can tickle them with. That may seem strange but I want them to have a loving connection. When they ask to look at his picture I always tell them how much he would have loved them. I hope that you have some stories you can repeat often to let your grandchildren feel they are growing up with him as part of their caring family. I am sorry you have been dealt this hand but glad you have found us and hope you can gain some comfort here.

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Thanks Dee, LouAnn, and Gretchen for your kind thoughts. I'm not too sure that I actually have the flu but more of the same old stuff going on. I'm waiting to go for a CT scan on my lung. Also stuff going on with my leg again. Always seems to be something these days. Hubby is more flu symptoms. He seems pretty good day so maybe he dodged the bullet.

Gretchen, your collage is lovely. I always really enjoy seeing your pieces. You have such a talent of pouring your heart into your work. As far as worrying about our other kids..well, I think we all do even those that have not lost a child. They will always be our kids regardless of how old they become. We as nurturers tend to fuss over them even to our dying days. I agree about the cold. it has been a tough winter in many ways for everyone because of the extremes we are facing.

LouAnn, it is always a bit of a letdown after the holidays. In many ways it seems like taking an elevator ride to the top with the glitter and fan fare surrounding the season and then taking the ride back down to ground level after it is all over. It can leave us feeling drained and flat. You have  come a long way and so please do not let yourself sink into another funk. Work hard to keep afloat. I know it is not easy but you have proven you have the strength. Get back on that horse and keep going. You can do it. Have you given any thought to volunteering perhaps? It is a wonderful way to throw yourself into a positive way of engaging with others at the same time as being helpful. It can really lift the spirits and also brings you into contact with meeting new people. 

Well, the day is sunny and the sky is blue. The temps are bone chilling ,but supposedly going to go back up by mid week. All of our neighbours for the most part have taken off to sunnier climes for the duration of the season. My next door neighbour has gone to Phoenix and swears that the weather is consistently good. I can picture her there now enjoying the outdoors. We will try to get ourselves bundled up for an outing of some sort and hopefully tomorrow we are off to the city for a meal with some friends if our health allows. We shall see. Have a good day everyone.

Kate :)

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hearthurt1013

Hi Louann: How can I help but be touched? My son was a very special child as are all of our children and grand-children. I am not sure where I am getting the strength, though. Maria tells me that it will come in waves and she is right. And, yes, you are right. Most of the people with few exceptions have been acting like who gives a crap. There is one individual here who has gone to the manager of our apartment complex telling her that I am sending around a petition to have her removed. That is a mile high pile of bull cookies! I found that out this morning when I went to conduct business. I know who the individual is, but, until I catch him at it, there is nothing I can do about it, but roll with the punches and keep knocking them out. This a(*^&*%%le knows we have suffered a loss that cannot be weighed and wants to cause even more harm to us. I told him back in November to leave us alone because he wanders around the building at night, drunk and stupid, becomes threatening and belligerent and is a pot stirrrer. I do not understand this behavior except safe to say that he is stuck at maybe the third grade level and he wants attention. What he needs is to go to AA and maybe be put in a home for people that are mentally ill. He gave a minor alcohol the other night. I wish I had caught him because he would have been sent to jail. Oh, and he is an instant expert about EVERYTHING, including how I am a screw up when it comes caring for Maria, her health and her diabetes. The problem for him is I am guided by her specialists, not him. Let me explain. Her form of diabetes is called brittle and it affects 2% of the population. Maria is a little Italian lady and her sensitivity to everything causes incredible spikes and drops of her glucose and insulin levels. He tried telling me that her diabetes and these swings are my fault. My answer is if he has the answer to this rare form of diabetes, tell me the answer and go get, "MD", after his name. These insane behaviors make me want to isolate, but I am refusing to give into that urge and I know it makes him even crazier. :rolleyes: He lost his wife to Lupus and instead of coming to a site like this or getting treatment, he rages at himself by drinking and becomes nasty to people around him.  

Toby: It is so nice to have met such warm and wonderful people. My son had a very serious side, but, equally he had a very silly side. Billy had a habit of coining a phrase, even at 8 years old, that would leave adults laughing their heads off because he sounded like an adult. What was particulary disturbing, for lack of a better term, was that when he started using the syntax, vocabulary, sentence structure and phrases that I use. One day when my mother called, she thought I answered the phone...it was BIlly!  She only found that out when we were trying to plan the itinerary for the trip from New Jersey to my sister's wedding in up state New York and she quickly found that the individual on the other end was Billy and not me. So yes, Missy is in for quite few stories about her uncle. I loved watching, at times, his sister and him verbally spar with each other. Hi sister told him, "I know let's talk about cheese!" I thought my son was going to fall off the couch laughing! 

 

Ericasmom: Believe you me I have quite a few about the Charming Boy! One day when he was six, he came downs stairs to the living room wrapped only in a sheet and no shirt. He looked like a little emporer. At that point I gave him the nick name "Shortius Caesar". He also informed us when he was nine that he wants to become vegetarian because he wouldn't eat anything that at one point, "had a face!". Like I said to Toby, he could really coin a phrase. I am very glad to have found this site and the folks here have really helped in so many ways.

Thanks one and all!

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hearthurt1013

Ordinarily, I would be going to church tomorrow. It is so cold outside and I am feeling so tired from the rush of emotions, sadness and just feeling blah....I don't want to go anywhere. My wife and I are in the living room, yet I feel like I am a million miles away. As a Catholic, tomorrow is a Holy Day of Obligation, I am not sure our priest will give me absolution because I do not feel I am doing anything wrong. I am trying to take care of my wife and me. There are a lot of bugs going around and after what we have been through, I simply don't want either one of us to get sick. Am I wrong? Some times, I feel like I am clear headed and some times, I feel like I am in a fog. I miss him so much and only wish I had been there to hold him and kiss him so he knows how much I love him, respect him and like him. There is a distinction for me. It is one thing to love your child, but to like him is different. He made good, healthy choices for his life and I know and believe that none of us deserve this! I am here should any of you need me.

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Hearthurt------I am glad that you have found us here at BI (formerly called

Beyond Indigo).....especially since it is early-on  for you on this journey.

Everyone understands ,firsthand,  the sorrow of losing a beloved child. I

hope you will come back to this site.  Peace to you.

 

Kate------I'm  sorry you are having more health problems, and also your

husband fighting flu symptoms.  I have been having congestion/cough

symptoms, but hope i'm on the mend.  Yes,....I imagine that your temps

are colder than we have here. ;)..... ....this is more than cold enough for me.:unsure2: Sending prayers.

Gretchen-----Just love your collage....it is magical, and beautiful!  I agree, that the death

of a child effects everyone in the family.  My "middle" ones  (Davey and Lisa) are gone, so

it seems to leave a big hole in the center of my kids. They've had a time of it ...dealing with

the deaths at different stages in their lives.  No matter where or when.....the death of a child

is a devastation for the whole family....I agree with you.   Peace.

 

Dee-----We got about 8 inches of snow, I guess.  Much drifting.  We got out and cleared out

lane with the snow-thrower.  We were worried about a loss of power, but thank goodness, it

stayed on.  This past summer/fall,  road crews were busy cutting back trees that overhung the

power lines which was causing many outages,  so I think it has helped.  Schools were cancelled

or had early dismissals on Friday.

Lesley-----I agree, that it is good to honor our beloved children by giving to charities in their name.

(I donate to a no-kill shelter for cats  where I got my kitty).  Our darlings are smiling down on us, and

are always with us.  

 

LouAnn----It is understandable that you are under the crushing sorrow at this time.....with grieving 

for dear Kira, and the death of your dear father.  Yes,.....many times people will not be understanding

of the "doubling-up"  of grief that hits.  Please try to do at least one little thing per day, ....(it doesn't have to

be anything major) ,  but it may just give you a small lift in spirits.   I'm sorry that your family is not 

there for you in your time of need, of their support.  Keep coming back here to BI.  There is understanding

here for you. Oh, about hockey....I haven't followed sports a lot, but I do watch PBR (bull riding), and know

that they have some great riders/bullfighter (protectors) from Canada.....the Berne family for one.  

 

WISHING    PEACE,   COMFORT,   AND  RESTFUL   SLEEP  FOR ALL INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   sherry

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My girl is in heaven

Sherry.. I’m going to take your advice and try to at least pack away the few Xmas decorations I had up.  I just can’t seem to get off the couch. But of course there is a hockey game on now so that’s my excuse.  Those couple baby steps I’ve made....all gone. No my family are not here for me , but that’s no different then the last six years, except this time it is verbal and physical assault.  I don’t know if I told you but they had a burial after the service but it was only for a few....I wasn’t invited or told about it.  Found out when I asked the minister. Thanks for your understanding here.

gretchen. That collage is beatiful.  Is it stain glassed.  Do you sell your art.  I wish I had your talent.  Please post more if you have it. I love to see it.  This is such a crappy time of year and with Kira’s birthday coming I feel the countdown on already.  

Hearthurt.  That foggy then clear headed thing seems to come and go.  It really can be two steps forward then one back.  There is no right or wrong way to grief and definitely no time line.  What ever u feel like doing or not doing is right for you.

 

 

 

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hearthurt1013

I believe you are right....it is incredibly annoying to have people tell me to "get over it" and things like that. I hear the things that Billy used to say and at times I find me saying the same things. One of his favorite pieces of music is "Carmina Burana" by Karl Orff. I can listen to that piece, no problem.  My degree is in music and his tastes were as eclectic as mine. I used to sing "May it Be" to him when he couldn't sleep. I tried listening to it and couldn't without falling apart. The same is true for "You Raise Me Up". That client I told you about belongs to the same parish and he was nasty last week when we didn't show up for Mass. I wanted to knock the enamel off his teeth! When I have told him we don't go because of Maria's diabetes acting up or we have had a family crisis (including what happened to my son) or the birth of my grand-daughter, he starts to judge us. I cannot wait to discharge my responsibilities to him and get him out of my hair. You are right...people are plain nasty....until IT happens to them!:unsure: I am so pissed off about this jerk spreading rumors about me, I feel like leaving home. It is bad enough to be grieving like this, but to be laid bare for veiled attacks when my wife and I are dealing with this loss makes this much, much worse. I already have SAD and Major Depression Disorder...I feel like going old school on this so-called neighbor and letting him have it! :angry::( Oh, and I am eating like a pig or not at all. I am a foodie and love to cook. Now, I don't feel like anything but sitting here and stewing. So sad...so sad. :( My wife tells me I have pushed her away. To my mind that is equivalent to telling me I am grieving Billy incorrectly and that I am just plain wrong for being on line for support. I don't know what to do. I will check in periodically. :(

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hearthurt1013

We have agreed to leave each other alone. I told her I will find someone to tell me how to grieve correctly since according to her I should just trudge on through, not to mention all the idiocy I am dealing with. I will be online though. One just doesn't get over it all at once. As the male head of the house, I guess I am supposed to shut it up, stuff it up and deal with it. I also informed her that I really don't and will not talk about our loss to anyone because I don't want her to be upset.

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hearthurt1013

We have both cooled off, having a cup of tea and are watching :Sorry Wrong Number". It is a movie starring Barbara Stanwyck and Burt Lancaster. I know I am dating myself...oh well. Today's movies just don't do it for me or my wife. She is also grieving and we groused at each other. Thanks for allowing me to vent.  Have asafe, warm and restful evening. I'll stop by tomorrow. Sleep and dream well.  

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Hearthurt, no two people grieve in the same ways and at the same times, one person sinks one way while the other remains more shrouded in shock for a bit longer and sinks when they sense their partner might be able to take care of things for them for a while...we do this unconsciously for the most part, taking turns in a way, and in that time, we generally do push others and each other away...it is natural to not be able to feel as you once did toward ANYONE other than another child. It is also very natural to not feel like being physical with a partner, when we are newly grieving we are on overload and our nervous systems do not want to add anything more. All of this on top of the fact that you take care of your wife in her medical condition...so this complicates both yours and her grief and ability to just grieve. I know it does not sound like a luxury: to grieve...but for those who are being pulled in several directions, to just have time to be alone with your grief is indeed a luxury.  If you are able, going to see a therapist to just have a weekly check in with someone who has worked with parents in grief might add to your life as you put things back together again. As far as people whose expectations and ignorant comments can knock us off our mark, or make us want to fight, we need to find ways to both let it out and contain it at the same time. So what I mean by this is you should feel fine about saying how your feel to others, but don't hit anyone, Lord knows a lawsuit will not help this time along. I learned that I had to let go of some people in my life, that their expectations or comments simply were not adding anything good to my life and I felt that I needed more than anything, to take care of ME. I needed to be kind to myself, to honor my Daugher through the ways I grieved, through the ways I found her light and used it. This is a long, life-long process, and in the early months and year, you need to listen to your heart and spirit and take care of your body at the same time. Your Billy would only want the very best for you, for his Mom, so to honor him, even when you don't want to, take good care of you. Get some fresh air everyday if possible, drink plenty of water, eat some good protein in each meal...if you cannot sleep, try to read so that it gets you outside of your own head for a while. Remember that night time is often the hardest especially if you cannot sleep, nights can be so long. Come here and let out your heart at night, write and write and let your story be told. It often feels healing to tell and retelll your stories about your Child. If you do not feel like going to church, then don't, it is not a sin by not going, it is simply honoring your grief. And finally, talk to your Boy, let him know that you are struggling and ask him for his assistance, ask him to be near when he can.

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I know I have posted this pic before but it rolled up as a memory on my FB newsfeed and made me gasp aloud as it was so unexpected. I loved him so very much. 

FB_IMG_1515897665587.jpg

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hearthurt1013

As far as the physicality between my wife and me, that part of our marriage is OK. In fact, having the ability to just cuddle really helps us both feel better. It is NOT about sex, necessarily, it is more about intimacy and warmth. I know that may sound goofy coming from a man (or maybe it doesn't). I also know that our children loved being held when they were little and we never rejected them. I would never strike another human being unless someone put their hands on me, my wife, children or one of my grand-children. You are right about another child. My best friends' little girl, she is 6, is a little cutie pie and there are two little girls (10 and 12...we have known them since they were squirts too) here at our apartment complex that love to visit and play Monopoly, have hot chocolate, etc with the misses and me. We are more like a second set of parents for these 3 kids. I know that when they visited recently, my wife and I felt better. The 6 year old loves to climb all over me and is high energy. The other two are just very loving and sweet. In many ways, these 3 kids have many of the same qualities of my son at that age, in fact all 5 of our kids have.I have always told our children and I number the three kids I just mentioned among them also that hugs and cuddling are always free. Well, I can attest to the fact that we, as adults, need that affection as much as children do especially when doubt and fear and grief are present. Currently, I am reading Henry IV by Shakespeare and that is helping...the act of holding a book, reading and just being in the moment. I have been talking to Billy and sometimes, I can hear him telling me he is OK. I know he is with Our Lord and with those that have passed over. I know my last couple of posts have been very acidic and angry and I am sorry about those posts....but at the time, that is exactly how I was feeling. What I don't like is my sadness coming out as anger, especially when it is being directed at Maria. She has enough on her plate with her condition and doesn't need me being snarky, moody or mean. I am finding that nuisance comments from the peanut gallery around us are even more so irritating. That is why I have been staying away from people until I can control my emotions, not my emotions controlling me. What really is confusing is why, when people see us at one of the lowest points in our lives, they would go out of their way to be nasty, lying, bastards. What kind of a sicko miscreant goes out of their way to hurt a family in mourning...especially when the family is mourning the loss of a child? I guess I missed that class when I was in elementary school. My parents would have sent my behind into a wall if I behaved like that. Maybe the answer is in the question...they are miscreants.    Thanks for reading. I am going to watch a little more TV and then try to get some sleep. I turned off the alarm clock and maybe we'll go to Mass and maybe we won't, we'll just have to see. Good night.

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gretchen what a beautiful collage I am not artistic at all wish I was. Yes I grow flowers and shrubs but the beauty is all their creation not mine.

hearthurt I can sense anger in you and totally get it. I think it is important to let your anger and frustration out in controlled constructive ways instead of letting it boil over with your annoying neighbour and at people that cant get it. Go for a run, smash a ball in a squash court, throw stones at a target, play computer games where there is a target whatevever, just dont let that anger cause you to lose your temper and do something that can get you into trouble. I play a lot of bubbleshooter online. It is a mindless game shooting coloured bubbles and trying to get a good score. The score is not important for me I just blast away those bubbles. It passes the time and gets out some of my feelings when I cannot be bothered to get off the couch. If the weather is ok I rip weeds out with my bare hands and dig putting all my energy and anger into those actions. I visualise the weeds as smothering and insiduos like grief, that need to be faced head on with direct action. A lot of people lose their faith. Do what feels right for now, your decisions can change in time and I now there are several members who know they could have not got where they are without their faith. Me? Total non believer since my son was killed in 2015 never set a foot in a church although several people with faith have helped me. I believe now in spirituality and the healing power of Nature. I am at my most calm when in my garden, knowing I am helping to support the bees butterflies hedgehogs and birds by growing flowers and feeding the creatures. Makes me sound like  a dippy hippy I know! Guess we all go a bit crazy after losing a child. I am disabled and not currently working, awaiting another surgery so I do have the luxury of free time. I know that work pressure can be really tough, you need time off to grieve but you also have to support the family financially it can be very tough. You and your wife will have to grieve in your own ways it is different for men and women but try to come togther for mutual support. A warm hug even without words can do wonders.

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I raise my coffee cup to you and Forest Gretchen. Lovely photo of your Boy.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Hearthurt, I wanted to respond to your post, 

"You are right...people are plain nasty....until IT happens to them!:unsure: I am so pissed off about this jerk spreading rumors about me, I feel like leaving home. It is bad enough to be grieving like this, but to be laid bare for veiled attacks when my wife and I are dealing with this loss makes this much, much worse."

 My advice is to be  very very  careful who you let into your inner circle of loss. Usually unless the person has had child loss they haven't a clue what they are talking about. Myself and my family  have suffered a lot of attacks from those who were in our church at the time...we left 2 churches because the people could not stop judging and pointing fingers and accusing. At first there was sympathy, afterwards followed was a flogging. It would be an understatement to say I am entirely pissed off at those who try to gain spiritual brownie points at my family's worse time ever... And those people are such incredible big liars, especially to themselves...we actually had one family exile my daughter because we did not practice the "forgiveness plan" they mapped out for us! (I think they forget to read the psalms and some of what King David said at his low points).

I would say to find those who practice true spirituality...oddly enough, we have switched over to a local parish in Marshfield WI leaving protestant churches behind. Also, going to the prayer room at Holy Hill was helpful and lighting candles there. I would encourage you to look at the mystics of the church (Padre Pio) and others such as Rhoda Wise (stigmatic). I have found there is an inner mystical path that seems to be the core and not everyone that is an attender understands that, or even knows that it exists.

I am sharing a pic for you and those who like to  finger point at the bereaved....

*******************************

Thank you to both Dee and to Kate who emailed me this morning!

...it has been a difficult few weeks. My mom suffered from almost having a heart attack so I have been with her since Dec 29. She had stints placed and still may need other heart surgery. It was touch-and-go for awhile. I had a somewhat precognitive dream beforehand, as well as other certain knowings that manifested that something was going to drop. So far she is recovering good from the stints but time will tell if that relieves the pressure on heart valves. 

What I have learned is to watch the salt intake!!!! No more than 2000 mg a day. I have been doing a variety of simple recipes for her to get her back to the basics.

*****************************************

To those new here, I am sorry for your loss. It is a great group of people that meet here and have helped me immensely.

Hello to all my fellow posters. I thank you all for being there. 

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hearthurt1013

Hi Tommy's mum: I appreciate your message very much. We have decided to stay home. I see that you are across the pond. It is bitterly cold out and we are both susceptible to bronchitis and pneumonia. My anger is simply smoldering at this point. I have been doing a lot of reading (Henry IV, Shakespeare) and that helps. I play Zuma to distract me. I only wish I had someone to play chess with. As far as my becoming physical goes with an idiot, I am self-controlled enough to stop that. If I don't, that would be my undoing and my disabled wife and the other kids need me. I have also found that helping people around us is actually helping me get through it. I feel in a lot of ways that the nobler parts of myself is no longer here but I am trying my level best to honor my son by being loving, kind and respectful to others. You do not sound hippy dippy to me. It seems that we all must march to our own tune and as we come to the coda in this etude we call life, we need to perhaps help ourselves by helping others. We are going to simply relax today and tomorrow my business is closed because here in the US it is a federal holiday. This is a short week because my wife has 3 doctor appointments in a row on Wednesday. We are planning on going out for lunch, also. What is really awful is that my son's passing took place during the holidays and our anniversary is 2 January. Hopefully, as time goes on and as the Lenten season begins next month, we'll be able to get back to our faith and feel my son's presence even more.   

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I also have found relaxing nature videos to be helpful such as the one I am posting below

 

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hearthurt1013

Jesse & Taylor Mom: As a depressed person already and with having SAD, which is really bad this time of year, it appears that people sense weakness in others when something like this happens and they have one of two reactions. 1- They try their level best with their limited capacities as human beings to be supportive or 2- they become nasty and miserable because compassion and humanity is dead in themselves. They have no conception of how words and actions can hurt others and worse, they don't care. In fact this one neighbor I have been referring to is a full blown, raging alcoholic who liquors himself up, tells people that they need meds, becomes belligerent and then blames everyone around him for his problems and when he is told to back off his answer is not just no, he actually gets worse and even more aggressive. I know I have a touch of agoraphobia and frankly, I don't want to go anywhere because I am concerned that if someone says the wrong thing to me, I'll blow my stack. Typically, I keep my temper under control, but when I am under this much stress, my temper becomes hair trigger. If I yell or something like that, OK...it is when I become very quiet that people need to really back off because when I blow, it is not just directed at the person who is irritating me...it is everyone around me. I am 56 years old and one thing I know about me is that I can be the kindest man one will ever meet. To have nitwits cause problems for sport for others simply baffles me. Of course I wasn't raised that way and we didn't raise our children to act like that either.  I believe you are right, though. I am going to look into Padre Pio's life and other mystics as well. I also believe that what ever negative feelings we have will get to my son and I know him well enough to know he wants us to be happy. Thanks 

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Right ON! Our Children do want us to be happy, to stand where they no longer can and find a cause, a purpose, a reason to feel good about our lives. It is hard but it is worth the effort. I went back to work teaching 3rd grade after Erica was killed, she died in the summer and so I still had 4 or 5 weeks left of summer break and so had time to be with myself and my Son and loved ones during that time. I was unsure if I could go back to work, if I could still be an effective and good teacher, and so I went back and found that going back to work was exactly what helped me find my purpose again. I had 6 hours a day where I could not be absorbed in my grief, the needs of my students was a constant, so I was present in their lives and in teaching, and that helped me immensely. At around the 6 month mark, I went to therapy and found this place, so I was doing what I could to find a healthy mind/spirit/body.

Laurie, I am so glad to see you here, have worried about you and wondered if Everyone was okay. I wish your Mom goodness and that the stints will indeed help her. Thanks for letting us know.

Now, does anyone know if Susan is okay?

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My girl is in heaven

Gretchen. I have never seen this picture of Forest. It is gorgeous. Picture really does say a thouse words.  Beautiful on the inside and out. If we could only go back eh.. my Kira was just in heaven a few weeks before Forest. I hope she was one of the angels who welcomed him in. Let’s just keep gluing those pieces together the best we can.  

 Hurtheart.  See I told you there was lots of wonderful people here ready to help. Your emotions seem to be all over the place right now which is so normal.  U can come here and be as angry or happy and everything in between.  No one will judge. Everybody has every right to grieve any way they want as long as they aren’t physically hurting someone else.  There is no step by step manual on what to do when you lose a child.  We are all different.  Do you think your wife might want to join us talking on line? It took me six years of being hurt time and time again to get it thru my head friends and family didnt and don’t care. My daughters passing meant nothing more to them then going to a Tupperware party.  I expect either nothing from them now or something insensitive. And guess what...that’s exactly what I get.  Please take those people out of your life if you can.  This journey is hard enough without people being nasty and insensitive.. and your right they won’t change unless it happens to them at which time they will be banging down our doors with apologies.  This has been a long and hurtful lesson for me to learn.  And u may find u and your wife will not agree on a lot of things.  I absolutely believe my Kira is in heaven and I will see her some day and I hope she is with all your wonderful angel kids. My husband does not believe at all. He gets upset if I think I see a sign.  So we just simply don’t talk about it anymore.  Keep coming back. I can’t evn think where I would be if I had not found this website. Hold on we are here.

 

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hearthurt1013

Well, once again we are fighting. We have decided that we are going to separate and on Wednesday I am moving out. She needs to grieve in her own way as do I. There is simply no room for my feelings in this situation and my tolerance and over sensitivity right now is simply too much for her. I am going to make sure that the rent is paid (I get paid on Wednesday) and she can use the balance for herself. This will also force me away from the jerks around here. I see no other way to address this situation. I need to let her doctors know that I am gone, at least for now so her health care coordinator can arrange for in home care.

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My girl is in heaven

Oh hearthurt.  I’m so sorry it has come to this.  I’m not a counsellor but just grieving mom but maybe  you just need a bit of a break.  To step back and take a breath. You will never be the same person your were before you lost your child. Your so new to this and just getting thru every aching hour is difficult in the beginning.  I hope things work out for you. Keep coming here an d reach out where you will always be welcomed with open arms.  

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TearsInHeaven

Laurie, I am so sorry to hear about all your mother has gone through.  I am glad the stents were successful and hope further treatment goes as well.  You have had your hands so full with everything.  My most positive thoughts and prayers go out for you and your mom..

Dee, your recent post to Hearthurt resonated with me these last 24 hours... about letting people go who cause you more hurt.  Yesterday my cousin---the one that lost her son recently---well----I was helping with Thank you cards as we had had some problems with the original cards. We started talking about "signs" and of course I teared up.  She then lit into me about the only reason Michael has sent so many signs is because he thinks I am "ridiculous" to be like this and isn't it about time I get over this. Then told me we have the worst lights in our house and (since I have sheers on my windows) I just am entombing myself in the house.My husband tried to stay polite and I tried to think she is still in those early grief days BUT the rest of the day and night I was a mess.  She has pulled my chain so many times--like the one where she never got closure since we never had a service---well, lo and behold her son's service was very similar to Michael's and he also was cremated. She is the only family member I have that I am close to and she was Michael's Godmother.  We were each other's Maid of honor.  I feel my progress has been ok for 3 years.  I haven't worked since Fall of 2016 and wish I still was but an old consultant is not much in demand so I deal with this retirement thing.  Maybe sometimes it is just time to adjust what you let people in your life do. So Luanne, not just your siblings.  This after I gave her a plaque that was "Cousins by Blood, Sisters by Heart, Friends by Choice" that got "put away". So many mean things said to me---and then she gave me an Office Depot card in payment of my help!

Hearthurt (Lou)- I am sorry for the loss of your son. He sounds like such a wonderful boy-- and I am sorry your first exposure to me is with me snarling.  This grief journey is a roller coaster ride of so many ups and downs, turns and quick drops.  I am also sorry to read your recent post of such difficulties between you and your wife.  Grieving takes so many forms for each of us. So many emotions hit you--sadness, despair, anger, guilt and not all of them have reason.I lost my son a little of 3 years ago. I hope that things can develop that allow you and your family the time to adjust to grief.  It is a cruel presence.

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hearthurt1013

I HATE THIS! One minute we are getting along just fine and the next we are at it. I can't stand to see her hurt and yes, I am blaming me. I feel so alone, lonely and upset. I feel like people around me hate me (possibly blame me), think it is funny to laugh at a grieving person who has lost a child, just to see them hurt even more. What the hell are they trying to get? I just don't know what to do with myself. I usually like to eat...I don't even want to look at food. I have been drinking so much coffee, it isn't funny. My sleep is up for grabs and I feel like I am going to lose my militant Italian mind on somebody. The one who is hurting the most is my wife and it is all my fault because of my reactions to what is going on around me. I can't stand noise and on some level I like the nights better because it is quiet.

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My girl is in heaven

Dianne, yes probably the most surprising and devastating thing I found was the total lack of compassion and nastiness towards grieving parents. Especially by the very people u thought would never leave you. Actually the ones who never acknowledged right from the beginning probably did me least harm cause they let me know right from the beginning they didn’t care.  Wow what a wipe eh.....I like both those teams.  

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TearsInHeaven

The sad part is she just lost her son less than 2 months ago and my husband and I tried to be there for her-helped with arranging music for the service, doing the picture slideshow..helping with the cards.  I know that anger is sometimes the manifestation of grief but didn't expect this.  I know I need to let it go.

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lovely photo of your boy Gretchen so handsome.

laurie you are right in bringing up the point of who you let into your inner circle. As time goes on even people who were supportive initially can lose patience with us grievers. I guess we are a hard bunch to understand because we seem to lose the ability to go out, and struggle more socially, we care about what people think and are hurt when our lives are so misunderstood. I am beyond horrified that your family felt run out of two churches, because I thought Godly people were about kindness and support and held to a higher standard. I agree that many of those who lead an active church life are still guilty of gossip and scorn and judgement because they are human but for goodness sake they are supposed to know better. so glad you have found a place that gives you the spiritual home you deserve. Love that video that is the kind of thing I enjoy too the healing of Nature. So sorry to hear your mum has been so unwell heart stuff is really scary isn't it? Stents can make a huge difference in heart health widening narrowed arteries and delivering much needed oxygen. medicine can indeed be a strange and wonderful thing. I hope she feels the benefits soon and her health improves. When our parents become sick it is scary. They have always been there for us even as adults and to see them aging and the problems that come along with aging is hard.

hearthurt yes by helping others we can help to heal ourselves in whatever way we can. My grandmother used to say love makes the world go round and people sweeter she was right. It is finding positive ways to deal with grief and our losses that make the difference.

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One of my best friends at work literally never spoke to me again after forest died. My boss put his hand over forest's picture a week after I returned to work (I got 2 weeks leave) and said "you need to get rid of this and move on with your life" people! So many people I feel are terrified it is going to happen to them that it causes them to shut you out. 

Hearthurt my husband (not forest's dad) and I have hung through 6.5 years but it has been hard and our relationship is not the same.

Louanne the art is a collage made of cut up magazines though I have done some big glass pieces. If I can find a pic i'll post one.

Laurie hope things are movingforward in a positive way.

Tommy's mum I love to dig in the dirt too. I use to be a pretty good gardener but now between my back and the terrible soil around the house I now live in not so much but I still love it. Also I am not religious and unfortunately not even too spiritual. I do love nature and wish I had some kind of strong belief system...

0314161334-00-1.jpg.423af38a45c0c201b4a7e9199c474c8d.jpg here is one of the glass pieces I did on a shower door of sheep on a mountain side at sunset. One of these days I will get them mounted in my yard as a wind break.

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My girl is in heaven

Dianne and Gretchen. It never fails to surprise at how low people can get. No I know they can’t understand wholly, but just common sense  and deciency. 

Heart hurt. I hope if nothing else your first week here u can understand to be oh so careful who to let into your circle. I have no one left from six years ago , and at the time it didn’t even enter my mind my family would all turn. I just want to save you from 6 yrs of hell I went thru trying to get it thru my thick head they do not care. Let those ones go early on don’t let them hurt you time and time again. I have been here since April and there has always been many people to praise my progress and help me when I stumble.  This is a very good place to get help. Oh how I’d wished I found it years ago. 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks for all the replies....it is a tough journey. This crisis with my mom makes me realize how far different my world is now. I am pretty wiped out tonight so am going to bed early. 

jessemissed2016.jpg

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Gretchen, this is gorgeous. Will it be safe outdoors with the high winds that affect your area each spring?

Hearthurt, I am sad for you, for your wife, for this new life...it is very hard. Like Gretchen said, marriages inevitably change because we inevitably change. How could we not? Perhaps you and your wife can find ways to read about grief and grieving and come together after you each read two chapters to confer...do we see each other in these examples? She sounds like she can't handle your not being the person she depends upon, but honestly, you need to grieve. Read some Elizabeth Kubler Ross or have her read some to better accept the stages (which are not at all linear)of grief. We go back and forth between them, learning along the way, the process is long and does hold goodness in it...it has to, because the Boy of your Heart is involved and he is the goodness, the siblings and the union you and your wife created to create these kids are the goodness. A respite from one another might be good for several reasons, but it also may make it hard to ever come together on the topic of grief. Having the way your grieve outside of her vision and perview is okay as long as she can see you in grief later on down the road. It is not neat and tidy, it does not get shoved under the rug...it is ugly and awful and sorrowful and it is depleting and it is also an amazing force when we begin to find our broken pieces and find new life in our old bones. Your spirit needs time and I hope that you can honor that. Are any of the other kids living at home?

Dianne, I hate that this cousin took out her anger/frustration on you. I think that it has to do with jealousy, hers. I think because she never had the relationship with her Son, that you had with Michael, she begrudges you, even begrudges the times you feel his presence. I think that she can't relate and is angry. It is not okay to treat you like this, and you can let her know this either in a note, a phone conversation, or not at all. That she gave you a gift card to Home Depot for your help kind of says it all...utilitarian/no emotions involved. She keeps it all covered up which is quite sad really. You cannot change her and Lord knows, you should not try to make it okay for her to behave this way. If you leave it alone, will it plague you? If yes, then write her a letter and send it, give the gift card to someone in need and you will have let some of your discomfort go. I am holding your hand and your heart.

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Sleep Laurie sleep, regain some of the energy that you have been spending in taking care of so many in your family. May you have a dream visit tonight.

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hearthurt1013

She asked me to sleep on it, as far as me moving out. I said I would. She expressed to me that she is grieving as well and she is feeling as I am...shocked, angry and hurt. The rest of the kids are on their way and have been for quite some time. They know I am here as is Mom. We just ate and I am feeling better. I have had a touch of hypoglycemia since I was a teen and I get pretty nasty when I don't eat and I know all that coffee is not good for me. My concern is that her health is so fragile because of her diabetes, GRD and kidney problems, what if something would happen were I not here. I do need to weigh the options for both of us. The other kids are in shock like we are. I figure with the two older girls and the little ones, I would best help them by NOT calling them. They know me all too well and I don't think they could effectively parent if they are upset in front of the wee ones. I will check in tomorrow. I am closed for business tomorrow. I work in areas of mortgages, title, rules and regulations and with everything closed, there is little I can do. ave a pleasant evening everyone! And again, my thanks.

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My girl is in heaven

Ok been driving me crazy last few days. If you think I’ve lost my marbles please say so and I will delete this post. There is absolutely no one other then you guys I would even tell.  

As you know I recently lost my father and have been very upset about how my family treated me. I been doing the depression thing a lot and not getting off the couch.  Really battling about whether this going to pull me down and wipe out any baby steps I have gained or not.

well a few nights ago our new friend heart hurt came on to loss of child line . I hadn’t been on there in awhile and no one else seemed to be around, I was feeling pretty down myself, but I read his post.. so he says his son suddenly collapsed with some kinda of unexpected cardiac event...ok that’s. Coincidence.  I can certainly relate to him there. And further conversations how nasty people can be to the bereaved.. well yeah I’m a six year expert on that one.   So ok, this is kinda weird.   And then. I kid you not. He says” I’m glad I found this site and you Luanne.  Just call me Lou.  (Really that is my first name!)...well guess what you think my dads names was Lou. Really it is.  As we have all been talking to him now he said he is 56; so am I.  Then he says his anniversary is on January 2 nd..the day my dad died.   Is this not a message from my dad saying you go and help as many sad people as you can Luanne, me and Kira are proud, don’t let the others bring u down.  Get up and keep going.  Or am I just so desperate for a sign to carry on again after these latest events.  I mean I’m not usually on that site, I was feeling pretty crappy myself so don’t know why I answered, then come on a child who died the same way as Kira. ..which isn’t really common, and no freaking way can this guy say his name is Lou...The same age as me and then mentions the date of January 2nd.  

Sorry hearthurt I don’t want to scare you away.. I not usuallly a complete loonie tunes....but I think you r a sign from my dad.  He does not want me to be crushed under this burden and wants me to get going and try to help people.  Really your name is Lou.

ok kick me off if I’m completely lost my mind.  

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Hello all.

Well, we had one day that our sub zero temps rose to 59 degrees on Thursday, then back down in the 20's with nasty freezing rain, sleet and followed by snow.  A couple of slippery mornings with black ice on the way to work, and I am ready for spring.:o    Actually I wish it would just stay cold and not have the temperature fluctuations  as I don't think it is healthy. 

I am sorry for all that are struggling so.   Hearthurt I am glad you found our site but so sorry for the loss of your son.   You and your wife are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through  the days and months ahead.  This is a good place to come and share.

Things here have been very busy as usual.    I did get to be with all five of my grandies yesterday and my heart was blessed.  Hubby has had a tough weekend.  Part of it may be the changeable weather patterns, but my heart knows it is also is his dementia journey.   But he is still able to be cared for at home and for that I am so thankful.

Laurie, your Jesse David is so handsome. My thoughts are with you while you rest.   Caring for your mother has been hard I know.

Dee, did you have snow days this week?     I think our kids had  2 due to the icy roads.

Kate, I so hope that you are feeling better and that Ross is recovering from whatever bug found it's way into your home.  

Susan you are in my prayers as you recover.   I hope you are beginning to feel better.

My dear friend is going through the dark days of loss and I so wish I could take it from her.   But we all know I can't, so will walk through it with her. 

Well, I need to go get some things done, just wanted to stop by.   I read all of the posts and my heart is with you all.

Sandy 

 

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Laurie, thank you for letting us know. I am really sorry to hear about your mom. However I am happy to hear that she is holding her own. Make sure you look after yourself and do not get run down. Sleep well tonight!

Dianne, that must have hurt after all that you did for your cousin. At least know that you acted out of kindness and concern. 

Gretchen, your work is fantastic.  I love how you pour yourself into each piece that you create. I remember that picture of Forrest from before. He obviously was having a great time. Good memories all around, eh?

LouAnn, now you can go forward knowing your Kira and father are wishing you peace again in your life. Where will you begin? Any more thought as to volunteering?

At the beginning I never ever thought I could find happiness or peace again in my life. It took ages to slowly rebuild a new life with purpose and meaning. But bit by bit with patience and determination it began to take shape again. It has changed definitely. I was rocked to the core with the loss of my son. I decided that the best way that I could honor him was to go forward with purpose and meaning that was positive. The crack slowly widened to let in a beautiful ray of sunshine. It warmed me to my very soul.  I knew that Jeff was not away, but just very close behind a thin veil separating us. I held onto the great memories that he left to make my heart smile again. I know I will see him again and it gives me the strength to continue.

My husband and I rather than growing apart have become even closer. We grieved together as a couple. We helped to carry each other when one of us was having a particularly down day. We stood strong for him. We needed him to see we could carry this loss. That way he could find peace...or so I feel.

Today was a good day. We headed into the city to the French district of Winnipeg called St. Boniface. We ate a terrific lunch with another couple while looking out over the river and Canadian Museum of Human Rights. People walked past the window walking dogs or holding hands. The air was crisp and fresh. The restaurant was warm and inviting. For that moment we just enjoyed the afternoon. Life was good. My faith and love for life sustains me and gives me hope. Each day we have is a blessing. My husband celebrated yet another birthday. Even after his cancer diagnosis a few years back he is still here standing and fighting. And we intend to continue to do just that.

Sending wishes to all for peace restored to your lives again. Kate

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hearthurt1013

Louanne: You are not loonie tunes, your cheese has not slipped off its' cracker and I don't think making a reservation at Bedlam is necessary. It seems to me that this is a strange confluence of circumstances that brought me here. Have you not considered that maybe you were here for a reason, maybe to minister to me and others that need your guidance? Yes, really, my name is Lou. That's what my birth certificate, diploma from high school and BA from college says. I am not trying to scare you, either. Maybe Kira, Billy and your Dad got together to arrange this to protect you and me from all this hurt. I do believe that Our Lord arranges for angels in our midst and the gift of discernment is meant for those that can understand. I believe in your logical mind that this is all weird and quite strange. I prefer to think that what St Paul teaches us is true concerning the weight of the burdens handed to us. Our Lord will never hand us more than we can handle and although we may not understand what is happening, he does and in his time and due measure, we will come to know his wisdom. In 1968, Ted Kennedy eulogised Bobby with the following: " Some men see things as they are are and say why. I see things that never were and ask why not." In recent days, especially with my roller coaster of emotions, coupled with the support I have received here, I would not begin to debate Our Lords' profound wisdom, suffice to say that all things in due time according to Our Father's will. In many ways, my son was like Bobby Kennedy...a dreamer, a sweet soul and a very gentle countenance with the gift of wisdom beyond his years and life experience. That is why his interest was in healing people of cancer by using fungii and the potential he had and his ability to tap into his dream of a cure, to my mind at least,  directly ties into the eulogy for RFK in 1968. I do feel my 56 years, but in many ways I feel a lot older and in many ways a lot younger. To quote Charles Dickens, "'It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known.' (A Tale of Two Cities) That is very much my son and his thought process. That I believe is where I am heading to rest and sleep. "To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub,. For in that sleep of death what dreams may come. When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,. Must give us ... Ah, but there's the catch: in death's sleep who knows what kind of dreams might come, after we've put the noise and commotion of life behind us." (Hamlet , Act 3 Scene 1). With the hurt we all feel after the loss, The two quotes above may give us solace and peace. May you find peace this evening and thank you for being there for me.

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