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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Susan, thanks for the good wishes, I am home sick today, just heading back to bed for a nice nap. Erica is getting better now, so I am thankful. Thankyou for using the shaft of light, I love that it serves to inspire, it does always surprise me when I see it, transforms me back to that surprising moment of Erica showering me in sunlight. LOVE.

Louanne, I am not opposed to the lights or the sentiment, I do however hate the commercials, selling too much...but I still do love the holiday, Erica so loved it. I don't like it to happen till now, the songs, the lights, the festivity, I like it to start for me about a week before, not a month or more before...but I don't rule the world darn it. We do what we can to get through and then we move on. Birthdays can be very hard I know...for me, I love Erica's birthday, it is the angel date that begins to eat at me a month prior ot the actual.

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Ok, I think some people are not going to particularly like me.... but I am a huge lover of Christmas. I mean I love, love, love it! I have to be honest. But for that brief couple of years after Jeff's death when nothing really mattered. I agree with Dee that I hate the stores pushing the commercial side to things way too early. Yet I love what it does to people. Bring it on...all year I say! I could not listen to many carols for ions and frankly still can't if they are the particularly heartfelt older ones. They always did being a tear to my eye. The commercials are driving me wacky and frankly some of those drippy chic Xmas movies are beyond corny. Somehow I have come to expect them even though I complain. Without it it would not be Christmas.

Jeff died a mere twelve days before Christmas. Our home was decorated with everything. The mantle piece had my Dickens Village and the Christmas lights decorated the trees and the house outside in the yard. When it happened I went into total shock. I felt that nothing bad could ever happen at this time of the year. We all deserved a "time out" as the kids say. I found very differently as it would happen. Susan and Dee so eloquently have posted in the past few days and said it perfectly. Once the raw pain of our grief wears off and we have found a way to continue in our lives we start to pick up the pieces and slowly rebuild a new life. I can't have the old one back, but I can be happy in this new life. Jeff is gone from sight... but not in spirit. I know he is with us along this road we walk. He would not want us to be miserable and bitter. I am also confident that he is surrounded by much love and happier than we could ever imagine. In a way I look at it as if has been invited to the best party ever and having a wonderful time. How could I not wish that for him?  

Dee, I am happy that young Erica is on the mend, but sorry to hear that you are not feeling well yourself. Take it easy today and look after yourself. 

Susan, I hope that you will be able to enjoy the holidays with the kids. 

LouAnn, we all have to find our own way through this. What is comfortable for one person is not necessarily good with another. I really hope your sons will be able to enjoy the beauty of Christmas Day. 

Lesley, how is your aunt doing? 

Becky, if you are reading...sending "HUGS".

Love to ALL for a great few days ahead.

Kate :)

 

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TearsInHeaven

Dee, sorry to hear you are sick again.  You just seemed to have gotten over the last bout.  Even I will admit the crazy weather has something to do with it.  Plus so many people out should you go anywhere and being in a classroom with kids is probably a safe haven for germs...

Kate,  it is great that you love Christmas----no one can fault that. A least in my unusual childhood I always held out hope at Christmas.  As I had my own family we always hosted a Christmas dinner and talk about Christmas music.... I have a duffel bag full of Christmas music.  When I worked at the hospital I used to make Christmas cd's for my friends with a compilation of old and new Christmas music.  My music taste is somewhat eclectic so they never knew what to expect.  I am not ready to listen to Christmas music yet.  But I couldn't listen to other music  in the time right after our loss but this year I found my music again. -----must be our "Alexa" as I can ask for any type or singer I want. So Christmas music may come back in for me.  Don't go out to the stores much as I just am not good with crowds.... but I did do my shopping on line.  We don't have much to buy for but I was the fanatic grandmother looking for the right Barbie item for our granddaughter as that is her new interest.  Santa is bringing her a karaoke machine---how many 4 year olds get that....but she loves her music and loves to pretend microphone when she sings.  but now no one comes over for the holiday and my daughter is across the country.  Tim and I are just by ourselves so even before we lost Michael we just didn't decorate.  Obviously, the first couple of years after I could not even think of Christmas but this year I know if my daughter was close we would do something. I put out new winter cardinal placemats this year so that is a step. And if you like Christmas music listen to Pentatonix christmas. It is really good.

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Dianne, I do love that you put out the cardinal place mats. I love the steps we take and how good they feel, we know that these are steps. How is your cousin doing? I feel so badly that the funeral was so confused and awkward. I have been to several of those. One of which was my own mother's, and that was due to the person who was the minister: my oldest brother, and to my father, the bad man who sat there and cussed throughout. Oh it was so weird. Oh well.

Dianne, so many students are sick in our building and teachers too, and my Grand Girl was so sick so there was no evading it. I do believe the up and down weather patterns have a lot to do with it, and our school building is not clean. If the surfaces of the railings are to be cleaned, they aren't by the janitors, and once when I did it to show the office, they said that I should not be doing that. So...the desks get cleaned by us, the floors are really dirty, the dust in the rooms is excessive and the blowers for our heaters are the culprit there, they are very old and who knows when new filter were put in. It is an unhealthy environment. And we are in a town of great standing...what the folks don't realize hu? The taxes are super high, the administration sits in a  12 million dollar building, and we sit in a mess. without air conditioning in the hot days of summer and without reliable water fountains except in the new wing where there are new pipes...When I retire, I will write this up you better believe it, and i will have my say. But for now, perhaps another nap.

Kate, glad that the winter holidays are making you happy, I have always loved the week before Christmas, love it. It was nothing but painful that first year, that second year, but still beautiful.

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Hello    to   all   INDIGOS.

LouAnn------Thanks for the writing.....such true words. Glad that you felt you

could put up a small tree.  These small steps aren't really small....they are, in fact,

big steps.  Steps that we may not have even considered previously. I agree, that all

the  commercials, and all the rest  that seem to just punch away at the grieving heart

is a real pain, and best avoided, if possible.  I have only one sister who lives nearby....

the other two sisters, and my brother live out of state.......NY, Calif., and Minnesota.

My parents have passed .   We do have a few friends and neighbors who visit....but

not too many.   The holidays are pretty low-key for us.

Tina----so glad that you found the new job, and glad that it includes health insurance.

Good luck with it.

Dee-----I hope little Erica is doing better by now.  So nice that the Erica Fund is able to

help the kids in need, and also, so nice that others honor ERi with gifts for the fund, which

does so much good at your school.

Georgina----Thanks for the song....very touching. Yes, I so, know what you mean about

James absence from your life and that of the family.  My David was also a kind soul,  and

brought sunshine into the lives of those he touched.......just like your dear  James.....Bless him.

Sending prayers for Becky with her upcoming eye surgery. 

Dianne----So kind of you to handle the music & pictorial for your cousin's son's funeral. 

I imagine that it was very much appreciated by the parents.  Sorry that there were errors

and poor planning, by the funeral home, for the niche and urn.  Hope they are able to straighten

it out soon, and to make it right.

Lesley-----Yep----grief can swamp us....especially at this time of year.  The pain is right there

on the surface.  But, somehow, we do get back up and push forward.  I guess it will be a relief

for all, when the holidays are behind us for another year.  It's ok to enjoy it, but I feel relief when it's

done for another year. 

Kate------Prayers for the man you talked to who has oral cancer.  Yes, helping others helps ease

the pain of loss.  I have helped the animal shelter this year. On their website, they showed pictures of a heartbreaking

incident where someone doused a cat with water, then tossed it out into freezing weather.  Some people nearby

didn't go to help the cat, just watched from a window. Then someone else called the cat shelter about it, and the shelter sent

one of the volunteers to go and get the cat.  It was taken immediately to their vet and treated......but,

sadly the kitty died.  The cat shelter is a no-kill facility....(which is where I adopted my kitty "Daisy Mousie".)

They do so much good for the animals (cats).  Recently they flew to Puerto Rico to get s group of pets that

were lost/misplaced by the hurricane there, and couldn't be reunited with their owners.

Susan-----Thanks for the screen shot...yes, steps forward and back helped us all get through 2017.  I hope

that you are feeling better and recuperating well.  Peace to you.

WISHING   PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

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Good evening all. 

I have been thinking of everyone here and wish you each a peaceful week.    Our very close friend Heather is nearly done with her journey in this life.  She wanted to live until Christmas for her little ones, and while I cannot see that with the significant transitions she has made in the past couple days  that she will make it,  the human spirit is powerful and no one knows.    Please say a prayer for her family.   They are our dear dear friends and Heather is like a daughter.  This is so so hard. Watching her mama's breaking heart  and knowing what lies ahead at, times takes my breath away.   I knew this would be hard, but some of the healing of my own heart has been pulled away and a rawness exposed.  Thank you for caring and being here.

Sandy

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My girl is in heaven

 Oh so glad that some of you can enjoy.  My sister in law (who lost an 18 year old son to cancer over 20 yrs ago) says it will be different when you have grandchildren. She said you have to get into it cause the kids will expect it.  I have a sister in B.C. But my other 3 siblings and parents are all with 30 minutes. There really are no plans much this year as my dad is doing very poorly for the past several months and my mom is having a hard time accepting what is happening.  When I saw him last week I said to him that Kira says “never ever be afraid to die cause I’ll be waiting in the sky”.   Unfortunately my siblings who live around here apparently picked a date 5 years, 6 years, not sure but they have decided we should be over it and they will not be there even for the two worst days every year.  They don’t have a clue what we live with. And they just don’t care. Can’t even acknowledge her angel date some of them.  It has pretty much ended my family connections.  And as it would happen the death of my nephew on my husband side estranged the family and my husbands mother, brother and two sisters cut us out. They decided to turn their backs on the sister cause they didn’t like her husband (this boy’s father) and my husband just could not turn his back on his sister when she just lost her child. So that left us with all of my husbands family except the grieving sister, cut off us and our kids. It was devastating. And even up til the day she died she my mother in law refused to speak to her son or grandchildren.  So as a result of the death of a child on both sides of our families, we have lost except we both have a sister left. And we both had three sisters and a brother. So my kids lost grandparents, aunts, uncles, all their cousins.  The death of a child seems to have far reaching tentacles. At least it did in our cases.  And I thought the death of a child would bring people together. Make them realize how short and precious life is and we need to be kind to one another.  Boy I was wrong there.  I just have to tell my boys that I am sorry, I could not pick their family for them.  

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Sandy, my dear...my heart reaches out to Heather and her family....and of course you. I pray that she will soon be released from her suffering. We know how hard this is for you to stand by and support your dear long time friends and not think of your own Sarah. You have been such a strength and support to them at a much needed time. Our prayers are sent your way.

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Sandy, I so agree with Kate, the pain and suffering that mimics that of your Daughter and the struggle is so so similar, must be terribly hard on your spirit. Hang on tight Sweet Woman, your Girl will help Heather to her new home and somehow, your friend will find ways to knit her Daughter into the days and nights that lay before her. I hope and pray that Heather is able to let go with the promise of no more pain...but how terribly hard to do so knowing that she has to leave Children. God Bless and Hope. I hope too Sandy, that somehow you will be able to find some time to decompress, this has got to be overwhelming.

Will you spend Christmas with your Rachael and the Children? What about the Girls?

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Sherry, oh how sad that anyone could cause such pain to another living creature. My heart just broke as I read your post. If only someone had gone out to wrap the poor animal in a blanket. To stand there and watch makes my physically ill.

Diane, I love cardinals and I think that decorating your table with such a nice placemat is a great start in the right direction. Little steps is all we can handle at the beginning. Those steps are huge when we look back in time. I really love the karaoke machine for your granddaughter. Could there possibly be a budding musician in the family?

Lou Ann, I am sorry for your family dynamics. We never could choose our families. I get up each day and see my day as a blank canvas. How I paint that canvas and fill the scene is up to me for the most part. It is nice to know that we can take charge and try to make it as memorable as possible. We can't undo yesterday, but we can try to take a firm hold on today and hopefully tomorrow. 

Dee, I hope you are feeling a bit better this evening. A nice cup of relaxing tea and your feet up is just the ticket.

Wishing you all a restful evening and of course sending loving wishes and prayers to everyone for some peace restored again.

Kate

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Louanne, family dynamics are tricky, I know. I am lucky for my sisters and nieces and nephews, but over the years I had to close the door on some relationships that were very sad...we don't get to pick who our family members are. Take a deep breath and look forward at what is good in your lives...expand on those things, go forward with those things in your lives that are good.

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Thanks Kate, had my cup of sleepytime tea and off to bed...again.

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just dropping by to let you all know i am thinking of you. here is a pic of my grandees.

hoping everyone makes it through the holidays.

marshall will be here with his new live in girlfriend. allison still hanging on to her marriage and her sanity most of the time. (i am handling her break downs better) her children are beautiful and sweet logan still is all alone rarely gets the courage to ask anyone out.

i have sold a couple of my collages. my therapist bought one for her son and ended up keeping it for herself. i think it reminds her that her work does some good in the world. between the angel lady, neurotherapy and medications i get by as long as several times a day i tell myself the only reason i am here is to entertain myself. since i am no longer working and the kids are grown and i live so far out i see no daily reason for my existence, weekly yes probably but daily no. definitely not hourly so when that killer depression starts i just keep reminding myself to do something to make myself happy.  sounds pretty selfish but it is a survival technique i think forest would thoroughly approve of.

love you all. thanks so much for all you've done for me,

25152319_10210509125620432_5116114242226281860_n.jpg

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Gretchen, thank you so much for letting us know that not only are you out there, you have found some new strategies to survival. Your Grandies are gorgeous, just a delight! Glad for Marshall, and happy that you are handling Allison's breaks, glad that the children are doing well. I will say some prayers for Logan, that he find what makes him happy. Your art is selling and this is such great news...put it out there Girl, it is great stuff and from the heart. HOORAY FOR YOU-I am sure that Forrest is smiling that gorgeous smile on you.

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gretchen you are back great! Your grandies as dee said are gorgeous. The next generation can help heal the ones before who still mourn. Xmas is really best for little kids who still believe in Santa and elves and magic their innocence and joy just melts your heart doesn't it? Silly but I still put out my cookies for Santa plate every year and my adult kids look for the candy canes in my elf boots! I used to love xmas but that all changed when I lost Tommy. Still each year I hope to regain some happiness in the traditions. Still not ready for carols though. shelly I hear you when you said you will be glad when it is over for another year I feel the same way, but I keep it hidden inside so I can help my kids have a good time. We are only together for such a short time because they have jobs and ross has to study for his uni exams in jan. For the people who set exams at the beginning of january shame on you. Let them enjoy the holidays and not spend so much time studying over a period of family time. Could they not just make the exams a couple weeks later? Family time is becoming so eroded on every level with increased homework, demanding testing, sports practices on most days of the week it is criminal. Children should not be exposed to such pressure you only get to be a kid for a short time. We know how fast our kids grow up and leave home and I know I think back and wish my kids still lived at home so I could spend more time with them. I read about that poor cat and I am appalled at the level of cruelty. I believe us humans should be the caretakers of animals and look after them and their environment. I am a huge cat lover and have always had a kitty or two. looking after animals teaches children thought and consideration for creatures, also responsibility, and appreciation for the love they give back. one of the traits of a psychopath is animal cruelty.

louann I am sorry for the dysfunctional family dynamics that you have to deal with. Grief does indeed cause huge ripples in a family breaking up relationships and causing family breakdowns it is very very sad. Maybe one day someone will be ready to make a move toward reconciliation, it may be your kids, the next generation. Does your dad have a medical problem or is it just aging and dementia? I see both my parents slowing down and becoming more forgetful, it is hard to see our parents aging and declining.

sandy it has been a while. how difficult it must be for you to see your dear friend suffering and yet so determined to make it through the holidays. Even more tragic when there are children involved. I admire her spirit and bravery and hope that when the time comes she slips peacefully away with all that needed to be said on both sides has been said. No one is ever ready to let a loved one go but they will see you again in a different place, it is not goodbye forever. I understand your rawness, the scars you have are being ripped open again because of a loss and it will cause you to slide back a bit. However once you have faced the loss of your own child nothing really compares to that. It will be very sad for you, I do not do prayers anymore so I send you hugs instead.

kate my aunt is back in hospital while they try and relieve her sever pain caused by spinal fractures (osteoporosis and osteo arthritis) and will probably be in for Xmas. I visit and keep her spirits up and play games to relieve the boredom.

dianne love the karaoke machine idea she will love using that and being a popstar! I am not good with crowds either so shop online and do it all before it gets busy in the stores. I often do evening food shops or have online deliveries so I do not have to stand for long periods of time with lots of people about.

dee I feel your frustration with inefficient cleaning and run down facilities in your school. When i worked in a day care in PA the staff had to vaccuum the floors and wipe down the shelves and toys etc ourselves to maintain cleanliness in the facility, and we still employed cleaners!

 

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My girl is in heaven

Dee. Hope u and little Eri are feeling better. You must catch everything being around kids all the time.  Your school sounds like the one I went to.  And the janitor I thought had to be 100 years old .  Do they still sprinkle that green dust if some one throws up or pees?  I felt sorry for those kids cause if the janitor came in with the green stuff it drew even more attention to you.  Yes you r right some relationships u do have to shut the doors on in order to help yourself move on.  There have been many many doors closed for me .  After years of trying to be gracious and kind to people after Kira died, I just won’t let them hurt me anymore.  

Lesley.  My dad is just aging. He is 87 and has just been lingering for months now.  There is nothing more they can do for him.  He is just getting frustrated. He doesn’t eat much, is 130 lbs and he used to be a big man.  He is not in any pain but I think he is just getting tired now. We r just taking one day at a time with him. Sorry your aunt is still in hospital. She is lucky to have you. 

Gretchen.  So nice to hear from you. Your grandchildren are so precious. I understand you not working and kids have moved out.  I am in the same boat and unless u have tons of money or lots of hobbies (neither of which I have)  the days can be long . You r not selfish and I’m sure too that Forest would  approve of his mom finding a bit of happiness.  

Kate.  How’s your weather. Our snow is almost gone and very mild.  My sister on the island had 6 inches of snow and hydro out for five hours yesterday.  They usually don’t get much snow.  That is very encouraging that u get up everyday and paint your own canvass.  Something I  can aim for. Thanks,.

Sherry . How could anyone do that to an animal. But then again look what people can do to other people.  I love my Lilly.  She’s the living part of Kira that I still have. 

Susan . U r right that it is just about carrying on. When I get up in the morning I tell Kira I am just going about my day which means laundry, dishes, groceries. Just what ever lies ahead. I just want her to know I M not laughing, partying, or planning on having a good time. I am just putting in time to get one day closer to being with her. I would not want her looking down and seeing me happy.  How r u feeling . Hope your getting stronger ever day.  

Sandy. So sorry to hear about your friend. It must bring a flood of memories back to you. Sending prayers for a peaceful passing and much strength to you and her family.

dianne. I have not and will not listen to music of any kind since Kira died. I don’t know why, but I just can’t. On the other hand my husband gets comfort from listening to almost all kinds of music.  So he sits on the computer listening to music and I’m in the other room turning the volume up on the hockey game.  Your place mats are a positive step. Just baby steps.. but still a step.

Georgina, ru feeling any better about things. I hope so.

i love all of your pictures and stories of your grandchildren. And despite your own pain u will all make wonderful memories with them this Christmas.

somer sky.  How r u doing.  Were you able to get thru your sons records.  That would be very difficult.  Is your daughter coming home for Christmas

becky.. thinking of you. Hope your surgery goes well. 

Tina.  How r u doing.

 

 

 

 

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Louanne, I feel the opposite, I would not want Erica to see me not having fun or being happy, that would piss her off, she wants everyone she loves to be happy and to live our best lives in the light and love she has left to us, so we feel it our duty to find goodness and fun in each day, and sometimes it is very hard, but most times it is right there...

My Little Grand girl is still feverish, so is a child in my classroom, so I wonder if this is the flu that was predicted and the shot predicted to not fully protect us...

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Okay, time to play my absolute favorite song at the holidays...it was my favorite prior to Eri's death, and became even more poignant with her leaving. It was a request of my music teacher to do this song for the following Holiday Sing prior to Erica being killed...he said, get me the music and we'll see. Well then Erica died that summer, 2003, and much to my hearts surprise, he secretly practiced with 100 third graders this song. One boy, a genius on the violin, played along in his version of it. It was amazing. And the teacher announced that this was dedicated to a former Lincoln Girl who died...not a dry eye in the house, I can tell you that.

Here is the original version by one of my favorite rockesr: Chrissy Hynde

 

https://www.google.com/search?q=2000+miles+&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&client=firefox-b-1

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just wanted everybody to know I am alright..  been sick as usual... got some medicine this time that will hopefully kick it.  I also cracked a rib.. don't understand how.. the only thing I did was mop the kitchen floor.. not able to do it on my knees as the pain is to much so I scooted around on my belly.  That is what the dr thinks I did.. me I don't know ,,, I hate to think of breaking that easy..  I tell you.. the pain in the rib is terrible... the dr said it is hair line and may have a pulled muscle with it... he says to just leave it alone unless it gets worse..  I am a pansy.. can't hardly take it anymore... used to be able to take pain a lot.  

Recently we lost one of my brother in law...  he was really a wonderful person..   Even though I am not close to my husband anymore I stood by him for strength.. sometimes it what I do best.  

I know that Christmas is hard for some.  I know it isn't the same for me as it used to be.  My son never was into the decorations of Christmas...  we usually do the tree and that is about it.  I don't mind the season.. just can't stand the hustle and bustle at the stores.  It sounds like the great grandkids won't be making it here.  I was looking forward to seeing them.. but I just want them happy. hoping the picture I attached shows..

We had a snow storm pass through yesterday.. we were on the tail end.. didn't get much of anything but the wind.  By Christmas they say it will be much colder.. time to hibernate.

I am waiting on a phone call from Child Protective Services.  They were supposed to call yesterday.  Sena decided she does want to come back here to live so I have to finish up as much as I can here.  I hate not knowing if they are letting her come or not.  I have to go get her at a moments notice if I want her.  The storm hit them harder North of us and I hate the trip going there.  It is the route we lost JaBoa..  I hate driving through there in the winter especially.

I am thankful for so many things.. as well as my bouts of depression.  I know I could have it a lot worse.  I really am thankful to be able to come here to this site to read all of you.  Dee, Sherry, Kate, Susan Lesley, Louanne, Sandy, Diane, Gretchen, Georgina, Coleen,Tina  all the wonderful people here who share their pictures and stories..   I apologize for names I missed..  my mind seems to hold less and less each day.. that in itself scares me.. but I am keeping it monitored by the dr.    Anyway..  I hope that you all stay strong through the season.. hold tight to your angels..  your loved ones.. your self..  You are all so very important

ggrands.jpg

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louann it is sad to see your once strong vital parent slowly diminishing and getting tired but aging is just a fact of the natural circle of life. I am glad you are there to help your parents when you can. On the subject of allowing yourself to be happy or not I agree with dee that our children want us to go on and make a life with some happiness in it for ourselves and for others. Kira sounds like she was a happy caring girl and she is looking down at you and saying "Mum it's ok I don't want you to live half a life, i want you and Dad to find ways to be happy and enjoy things. Your time is not up yet there are many things you still need to accomplish. I will see you again but for now I want you to be ok."

leah cute kids are they your grandkids or great grandkids? It would be great if Sena can come to you before the holidays. Hope your rib pain improves, for a thin little bone they surely cause a lot of pain especially when you breathe or cough or sneeze.

dee I really like that song too. I saw The Pretenders years ago in concert in London they were really good. We are predicted to get the Australian flu out break here. I never get a flu shot anyway but my parents have had theirs. It seems that even if you get the shot you can still get a different strain of the virus as there are so many different types. Yeah I know I am asking for trouble for not getting vaccinated so I hope the flu fairy does not come and get me!!

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TearsInHeaven

I know this isn't Thanksgiving but I just want to say that I am thankful for all of the music, poems and snippets as they always seem to touch a place in my heart.  Gretchen and Leah, what beautiful little darlings.

Luann, I used to feel that I could not let music back into my life.  My whole adult life was full of music and my kids were a part of that.  I just thought I could never listen again.... and then I did.  There are times I cannot but I have felt some healing when I can.  Music was so important to Michael and it feels like I am a little closer when there is music around.  Our music tastes did not often agree but it was a connection.  I have learned--not always well---  but that if I "work" at keeping things dark, darkness surrounds me.  Sounds simple but I think in grief NOTHING is simple.  Happiness--well I am not ready to think that is attainable in the form I used to know---but I do try to reach some form of comfort and I will admit that my little granddaughter can have me think joy.  I know I have a lot to learn about this grief journey but I sort of think I have learned some.  I know I am sad alot but when there is a little light I "talk" to Michael and that helps me feel so close to him.  Sometimes---like that old song--- let the music heal your soul....let the music take control, let the music give you power to move any mountain..... even this huge mountain of grief.  I know things are not the same for everyone but in all that you have let us get to know Kira she would not want to see her mom sad and not letting her life in.  She is with you in your heart, she will celebrate your life here for whenever the time comes she will have so much joy.

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My girl is in heaven

Dianne. It’s been six years of no music. At first I was mostly afraid to hear Adele or Katy perry but then it developed into any kind of music.   I even change channels when a commercial with a song comes on.  Music evokes an emotion and although I didn’t intentionally set out to do this I avoid any kind of emotions the best I can. No happy, I just try to have a very flat affect and remain as unemotional to things as I can.  I guess kinda a zombie. Maybe this is just a survival technique I have developed. 

I just had a strange incident. I was doing a bit of baking and ran out of a few things. My husband drove me to a local store..I usually go way out of town so I won’t see anybody I know.. but I just needed some flour so didn’t want to drive 50 minutes for one item. I was ok I didn’t see anyone I know, although the anxiety that I will feel is sometimes overwhelming.  I got in the middle of an isle and suddenly I just felt nauseated and a feeling very suddenly hit me from head to toe.  I can’t live without my girl anymore, im just not strong enough anymore, I can’t keep faking, I tried but I can’t do this.  This is just wrong to be still here at 56 and my daughter is gone at 17.  My husband was waiting in the car so I was by myself. If there had of been a cliff right in front of me I surely  would have jumped.  I could feel the colour draining from my face and I just  stood there.  I didn’t know what I was going to do.  I very slowly made my way to the check out, trying to pull myself out of it.  By the time I got to the car the nausea had subside and I could feel a bit of my colour return.     I still had the tremendous amount of sadness and I did not tell my husband.   It was kind of like I have walked a thousand miles and couldn’t take one more step.  I’m not happy of course but  whatever it was has let upmostly.  Did god or grief somehow sense that maybe I was about to be happy for some reason and thought they better remind me of reality.  I am always saying god isn’t done with me yet. Anyway it was really weird. Has anybody had anything like that happen? 

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Louanne, I am going to be frank with you...you just said another suicidal thing: " if there had been a cliff there, I surely would have jumped." YOu thought it was odd that we all felt you were suicidal the last time you spoke like this...this is suicidal, you are deeply depressed, you prevent any kind of emotion to try to get through a day and you have done this for 6 years, which is not living, which is not making your girl happy and which is not healthy for you or your family. When one does not allow the grief in their lives as a process, as an event one must travel through, one never gets to the other side where there is a life to be made...you cannot hide from grief, run from grief, dodge it somehow, because it is just waiting for you, it is a necessary piece of losing someone. While the age of you and your Girl make no sense to our rational brain, it is 6 years, so it is time to let the grieving process begin, you are stuck, you are hiding in the house stuck in the first stage afraid that moving forward is some sort of sin, but the real sin is, you are wasting your lives: surely your Girl would hate that. STand where she no longer can, live with your faces in the sun, take walks, do charity work, run a friggin marathon, something, do something that affirms your lives, that speaks to your pain, that lets your family know that life hurts but that it can be rebuilt into some new form of life. I am sorry if I am being harsh, but it is time Sweetie, to let the grief process in, to not shove down the emotions, but to allow them, to find quality therapy to help you through the stages of grief, they are real and they are not to be denied.

Pardon my very frank words here, not meant to hurt but instead to heal, you need to find a place to heal. And this is not at all to say that there is a time limit, but there is a worry that I feel when it has been this long without allowing yourselves a life.

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Lou Ann, I am sorry to have to say that I agree 100% with Dee. You MUST get professional help. You are running from the reality of the situation and from yourself. This must be faced. We all completely understand your pain...as we are ourselves going through the same thing. There are no short cuts. Only straight through the middle will bring you out to the other end. There is  no shame in reaching out for professional help. People are properly trained as to how to guide you in a way that we are not able. Your girl will most definitely want you to continue with your life in as positive a way as you can. You owe it to your other kids to pull yourself together. If you are unable then you must get help. You have been kind to all of us in offering your support and we also are offering our advice because we care about you. And yes, I too was standing at the store on more than one occasion the first two years after Jeff died and felt blindsided with grief. In my case it was because some song came on the speaker that was a favourite of Jeff's. It does happen to all of us. It is the armour starting to crack and the reality setting in. It must be faced eventually.

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Gretchen, how good to see you again. I love your sweet little grandies! I knew you would find your way as far as selling your art is concerned. Tina and you should get together to discuss your ideas. 

Leah, good Lord...on your belly washing the floor. Good grief woman...you are one strong lady! It sounds as if things are finally starting to move forward with Child Services. How wonderful that after such a long and difficult waiting period it looks as if you are in the home stretch. What a wonderful Xmas present. Nothing could be nicer.

Laurie, thinking of you. How are things coming along with Benton?

Sandy, our thoughts and love sent today in regards to dear young Heather and her parents. 

Dee, how are you feeling today? A close friend of mine has been sick with this dreaded flu for almost three weeks. They tell her it has to work its course. Does that sleepy time tea work very well? 

Dianne, we are two peas in a pod regarding music. Our home was always filled with music when the kids lived here. What a great idea to make cd's for friends. I'm sure they were a real hit. I, too, walked around in silence for almost two to three years. Slowly I began to listen to music again. I still however turn certain songs off that trigger a response when I am going to have a meltdown.

Lesley, how is your foot? It must be hard for you to keep up with the pace after they postponed your surgery. Your Aunt in a very lucky lady to have such a devoted niece.

Susan, how are you feeling? Becky? 

Wishing you all a peaceful and quiet evening.

Kate

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Today was the dress rehearsal for the Holiday Sing...Once I started crying, i could not stop, beautiful music and children...has always brought tears for me, but holiday songs that are poignant are extra tear makers. Oh my, and tomorrow is our show in front of parents. I know that they will love this show, our music teachers are amazing.

Kate, I love sleepy time tea, and it does seem to settle me down some...

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Leah, those little faces looking out with beautiful innocence. So darn cute. Thanks for sharing. I sure hope that Sena can come home to you. My fingers are crossed for this. I also have fingers crossed that you are on the mend, that you can get all the way better. My goodness, of course your rib hurts, you are not a pansy, we are getting older, our bodies don't respond as they once did, we are aging, we are supposed to, so don't think that you aren't strong, Lord knows that that is not so.

Louanne, I hope you really understand that i am speaking from the heart, i care what happens to you.

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louann dee is absolutely right in what she says and her words are not meant to be harsh but to force you to wake up and get more help. I have been strict with you too because you refuse to see the damage you are doing to yourself. You are forcing yourself to keep grieving and it is absolutely not healthy. There is no award for being the longest grieving Mum. We all grieve but most of us are making efforts to get better and actually look forward to a life after loss. I felt the way you did in the store yesterday it was crowded and I hate crowds. I put my head down and told myself "I will get as many things as I can and then I will leave". I did that and knew I could get the other few things early the next day which I did. You need to face your fears head on and tackle them not just let yourself accept the depression and say it is what Kira would want. It is the complete opposite of what Kira would want and if you did end your life prematurely I believe she would actually be very angry with you. She would tell you off and say "You had a choice,  i did not it was my time, but you made yourself come here and now look down and see the pain and devastation you have caused by killing yourself. look at Dad and my brothers what you have done to them they are lost without you there. Why did you do that Mum? Why? It was so wrong to do that. You could have got more help. I was trusting you to be the strong one in the family to gather everyone up and tell them we will heal together. I left you in charge to show an example of life after loss. You let us all down." I believe that is what Kira would say. You need extra help Louann please go and find a counsellor or psychiatrist or go to your health provider and tell them you are suicidal and not coping and get different meds. Do not think everyone is ragging on you because they are being unkind we are all trying to help you see that you need help. We are all trying to help you louann because we care about you and want you to do well. I am scared for you. It makes me so sad to hear your suicidal ruminations, I have been there and done that and believe me it makes things ten times worse for everyone left behind. Suicide does not fix anything. I wish that some of the parents whose kids killed themselves could post and tell you themselves just the reality of the pain and anger and sorrow they experience on a daily basis and how scarring it is. You said how the ripples of grief spread far and wide and you would just cause a tsunami of pain for your family and friends.

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Louanne, grief is something we do, it is somethng we will always have in our hearts adn spirits, it is normal for this abnormal loss, but mourning is the thick heavy layers of denial, devastation, and refusal of life moving forward. Mourning is refusing to accept that our Child died, it is when we move on to grieving, that we find our hearts finding their shattered pieces and gluing them together slowly over time, to refuse to allow yourself grief is to forever stay in mourning. Have you a copy of Elizabeth Kubler Ross stages of grief? This is an essential piece to refer to. When I came here Lou, I also had just begun therapy, I needed both places because the folks here wrapped their hearts around me and gave me comfort in knowing that others walked this sad path prior to me, that is why I stay here too, to leave my footfalls for you and those that come later. But therapy offered me the realizations of what my mind was doing and why, it allowed me to release myself from the guilt and to learn how to handle the PTSD of which I had and was having difficulty with. It allowed me to listen to the birds again and smile without guilt, because think about this: if you died first, would you want your kids to sit through their lives pretending it did not happen in order to squelch down all emotions to get by day by day, year by year, until they were old? NO! So when you were in the store and you felt that wave of emotion, and you felt that youwere sick of pretending>..pretending what? That you are okay? That Kira is gone? Which thing? You don't have to pretend, it isn't good to pretend, it is however, good to face the day with fresh acknowledgements, that yes, the worst thing happened to us, yes, I ache from this loss, yes, I tend to feel it was my fault, and YES, I need help with this.

I want you to stay stay stay with us, but I want you to find help as well that can help you find your way to grieve, not mourn.

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Hi all. I'm new to this and not really sure I'm ready but here goes. I'm mom to 4 beautiful adult children. I lost my oldest daughter shelby and her unborn baby boy Samuel Ian August 16 2017. They passed from complications due to eclampsia. Shelby left behind a 4 year old daughter kinsley and a husband. Shelby passed just 2 weeks after the birth of our granddaughter Myla, such a bittersweet time. Baby Samuel was due on the same day as our son and his wife's first baby. Charlotte was born on Halloween beautiful and healthy and again very bittersweet.  I live in a very rural area and there are no support groups in this area. Barely 6 weeks after shelby passed we had our first hurdle to overcome,  her 26th birthday,  now the holidays are here and I'm not sure how to get through.  I have been reading through posts here and its nice to find a group of amazing people who truly understand.  The rest of the family seem like they are moving on.... i take care of my granddaughter kinsley 5 days a week so my grieving is done privately at night and on the weekends when shes not here. Everyone says it gets easier with time? Not sure i buy that but its only been 4 months. ...

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Hi momma bear. I am sorry about your loss. You have found an awesome place to join. Though non of us to be here, here we are. I lost my 19 year old daughter 9 months ago from yesterday. We are all here to help and it is a safe place to post. I may not be of much help as far as advice goes, but sometimes my comments and feelings might ring true to you too or close. 

Peace and love to all

Tina

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Momma bear,

so sorry for the loss of your daughter and her unborn child.  You have come to the right place.  At four months, just getting up everyday is an accomplishment.  At four months, being in-the-moment instead of trying to figure out your future, is where you may find the most comfort.

we must feel the pain to move on.  It is ok to hurt right now and to cry yourself to sleep.  At 4 months, some of the shock is wearing off, being replaced by physical and spiritual pain.  Be kind to yourself.  We need to walk through the fire of grief and allow ourself to get to know ourselves again.  Loosing a child changes you.  We can become forever sad and angry or we can allow ourselves to be molded by the pain into a more compassionate, loving person.

thisis our 10th Christmas without Brian.  The empty chair is always there, but we are allowing the light and music back into our lives.  We are making new memories and carrying Brian along for the ride.

I wish you a Christmas where you can find a couple of reasons to smile and maybe even laugh through the eyes of your surviving children and grandchildren.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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TearsInHeaven

Mama Bear, I know these words do not come close to alleviating your pain but I am so sorry for your loss.  Losing a child no matter what age or what circumstances is the loneliest journey a person takes. Sometimes just being able to speak out can help, and sometimes just listening to the path of others can be a help. Just take it one day (or one hour or one minute) at a time. I know you feel like you can never live through this pain but you will. But think about only getting through the next minute.  It is a rough and rocky road ahead. Shelby and Samuel are together in your heart and you will learn to live with them there.  But for now it is a roller coaster ride of emotion. I lost my son slightly over 3 years ago.  Sometimes I still can't get over the fact that it's even possible to feel pain and anguish like this. But there are some ok days.  I owe a lot of my functioning days to the many kind and compassionate parents on here....some having stayed for so many years to help those of us who find our way here. We may experience times of anger; certainly, deep pain and sadness; denial; frustration; confusion; isolation; rejection; guilt; loneliness; doubt; emotional chaos; disbelief; and whatever else we may be feeling. I urge you to allow your feelings to surface and process them so you can release them. Feel the emotions.  Grief always lasts longer than the people around you expect it to. Share your thoughts, frustrations, feelings, whatever you are comfortable with whenever you are ready.  We are listening. Hang on with both hands but never be afraid to reach out.

grief timeline.jpg

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My girl is in heaven

Dee, lesley, Kate.  Thank you so much for your support. And I do hear what u are saying.  I have lots of moments when I see a mother and teenage daughter together, Nutella, lightly salted chips, Forever 21 store, . Actually there isn’t hardly anything that doesn’t trigger that feeling of dread. But yesterday was not just my negative thoughts. It was mind, body and soul all came together and were in the same place. It was like it just washed over me...that I simply could not take this mental or physical pain anymore. But when you are standing in the middle of a grocery store unless someone decided to throw a can of fruit cocktail at your head, there is not many ways to get out of this pain. Lol  Thus I had to just talk myself down.  I talk out loud to myself all the time mostly coaching myself along.   I’m usually not that bad. A nurse practionerreferred me for a physchiatrist appt last summer and the earliest one is next June. But it is at the the hospital which of course everyone I used to work with would be typing my records....no thanks. But I found one in another city and it is March 6. It is nice to have health care all paid here but wait times r getting longer all the time. I guess just sometimes I win the grief battle and sometimes it wins the battle.  Thank you for all your concern I really appreciate it.  I will keep plugging on for now and hopefully won’t get another episode like that.  Hugs to all.  

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When I read the caring posts here trying to help others I thank the universe that I was allowed to be part of this phenomenal group of brave people, you are all incredible.  i am proud that you all share your stories and help each other and I just know just as we found each other here our kids will all find each other too.

louann listen to your friends here we worry for you. Is there any way to get help quicker? From your primary care physician? In the UK we have the NHS so there are waiting lists for things too. 

mommabear I am saddened that you are now a grieving parent along with the rest of us it is a membership no one wants but there is a warmth here and care for each person and their spirit child/children. It is a safe place to tell your story and offer insights and tips for coping, we lift each other up when they are struggling and they in turn lift us up when we struggle. pre eclampsia is a dangerous condition and I am so sorry you lost both your daughter Shelby and also little Samuel that is a huge tragedy. Grief really sucks it is a long long painful road with many ups and downs. Even those who lost children several years ago still have difficulties because they were our own, deeply beloved children, and we will always, always miss them. Grief lasts a lifetime until we are reunited again in the afterlife. But and I stress this, with hard work and proper grieving it is possible to go from every day of despair and pain to gradual days of light and eventual acceptance. It does take time and you are still in the early days. Accept any help you can get, talk it out ,write out your feelings, and do not be ashamed if you need medication to help you through. I lost my son in Aug 2015 he was the eldest of my 4 kids and I still take medication and see a psychiatrist. I also have a mental health worker because I became very mentally unwell after Tommy's death. Counselling can be very useful ( I had an amazing grief counsellor for a year) but often it is better at a later stage when you have begun to process the reality more and are able to verbalise and process information. in the early days it still seems unreal you get confused and emotions go haywire. here on this forum we get it because we have been where you now find yourself.

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Mamabear, what a terrible tragedy in losing your Girl and her Sweetie Boy. And in the midst of so much loss were all these treasures, so you haven't even had time to grieve, which will be important going forward...but like the others have said, at 4 months, one begins to  feel the pain anew, it is sharper and deep as can be, as a layer or two of shock wore away. The fact that you take care of your daugher's Daughter is a gift in many many ways, both for you and for the Child, but oh, so bitter sweet. And my biggest concern is that in taking care of her five days a week, you have not time to just allow your grief. How are your other adult Kids doing with this sadness? It affects everyone in different ways but I would imagine that there is a lot of heartache. Please keep posting, let us get to know you and your Daughter as you are able. We are a loving big  family who get it, so no worries about sharing your broken hearts here, we know. Peace to you one day...

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By the way, let your family know if you just can't do the holidays as you once did...maybe scaled down, or not at  your home or something that allows the fact taht Shelby isn't there to be acknowledged and honored.

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Mama  Bear...  so very saddened for your loss..  I can't imagine..  No words to soften anything.. just  a helping heart that I give to you..  not that you can feel it, but I offer it.  Glad you are here to scream, laugh, cry.. and maybe one day laugh.  You need to time to grieve to get back to some type of a normal life.  Not always is it done it quiet..   I lost my granddaughter 11 years ago and I still lose it from time to time.  There isn't  a rule book we are given but everybody will tell you to take some time for you...  Share with us when you can..  or just read.  

Tinay  I am so proud of you for reaching out.. your amazing.. your angel is so proud of you also..   You have come a long way.  ((hugs))

Louanne.. I do understand the depths of your grief..  and how it feels sometimes without warning.  We can't run away from it.  I know sometimes when I am in the strangest places that grief hits like a ton of bricks..  but we gotta carry on for ourselves and our angel.. even when we don't want to carry.. on... its just a must  we care so much for you..  I know it isn't easy and I am proud you made it...   I hope you find easier ways.. some help..   and keep up.. your angel is close by...  I know it isn't the way we want.. but it is sadly the way it is.

I just got back from Williston.. tired out.. they called last night and emailed this morning.. I have Sena here with me.  She is so excited.  The trip was fast as I can't stand to be out at night.  My vision is just so bad at  night.. My son and his father traveled with me and we got to see Travis.. he doesn't understand why his sister is leaving..  and he can't..  I love him so..  I hope my daughter stays close to him.  I am beat tonight..

The picture i posted is my great grandchildren.. we brought our great grandson back to be with his grandma for awhile, his parents will come up soon and spend Christmas with my oldest daughter..   

I am thinking of everybody and so appreciate you all...  I gotta close up... kinda not feeling great.. want to get some rest.. I just wanted to share the good news I have my Sena.. I know JaBoa would be happy.  I know you all are as well.. I thank you all for your prayers and good wishes..   You all are so very wonderful to be around in my time of needing friends.. thank you

I wish you all a Merry Christmas.. if I don't get back on before Monday...   Be kind to yourselves...  and close your eyes.. feel your angels love.. its there I know it is.. I feel my girl...   goodnight all

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I heard from Sandy not long ago and I am sure she would not mind my telling you that her dear friend Heather lost her battle this afternoon at 2:12. She leaves three children aged 12, 9, and 5. Please everyone link hands to surround these good people with our support. God Bless you dear girl and may you rest in peace. Sandy... we are sending our love as always.  

Kate

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My girl is in heaven

That is beyond sad and comprehension. Three kiddies without their mom. Sandy, you must have been on here long before me so I don’t really know your story, other then you’ve lost a child.  I feel so helpless I wish I could help in some way.  Please know the prayers are being said and like Kate said hands are being held for you and your friends family.  

Dee. Thanks again to you and everyone for your kind support. U all encourage me to keep trying. Cause I know you have all had your melt down moments but keep trudging through all the pain and sorrow so I can to. How was your concert. So cute I bet.  One time at Aaron’s Easter concert the stage curtain opened and Aaron was dressed up like a bunny. He wouldn’t admit it but my husband cried.  I think I just thought those days would last forever, but they sure don’t.

Leah. So you have custody of Sena now. That is great.  I hope your daughter is getting the help she needs. I am sorry you are feeling poorly and tired out.  U really seem to be the glue that holds the family up.  U must be incredibly strong. I am so happy for you to have Sena.  Your right JaBoa would be happy too.

mama bear. I am so sorry for your tragic loss. You are so new in this journey your probably feeling a wide range of emotions.  There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I’m glad u found this site.  My daughter died 6 years ago and I only found my way here last April. But you will find that nobody will understand you like the kind and caring people here.  We all walk the same journey. Holding each other up along the way.   I still find the one day or one hour or even one minute approach seems to help.  I hope u keep coming here and let us help you.  You will feel a warmth and understanding here like no other.  

Lesley. I too feel incredibly blessed to be part of this group.  And I just know our kids r together too.  

 

 

 

 

 

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Sleep well All, may your Sweeties visit you in your dreams...those visits always give us that extra boost.

Kate, thanks for sharing the news of Kate's good friend. It is simply too sad, that her good good friend should lose her Daughter the same way Sandy lost her own. May her friend's girl find that peace we all feel our Kids have met...And please pray that Sandy find the strength that she'll need to be able to be present in her own Grandkids lives as she helps her friend through this tragic time...and while her own loss comes to the center again.

Peace for the journey, as Bonnie used to say.

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TearsInHeaven

Sandy,  so sorry to hear about your friend Heather. My heart goes out to you and her family.  I know that loss always seems to mingle with our own.

Leah, so glad you have Sena with you. You are an amazing woman to fight so hard for your family.

Luanne, I wondered over the last 24 hours if my telling you about my "music" thoughts triggered a reaction on you to send you into a panic attack.  If it did I am so sorry.  I was just trying to share how things were for me and what I was willing to try.  Certainly I was in a dark place in Nov as I hit another anniversary and have hopefully crawled back up out of my dark well.  I know that Dee, Kate and Lesley have your best interests at heart.  Dee and Kate have been on this journey for a long time and have a wise and thoughtful insight, Lesley is a former nurse with the medical background to see things things and understand more from a clinical perspective than the average person.  You have offered such good advice here and never hesitate to reach out to others who come here.  Your complicated grief sends you spiraling so often that you are unable to reconcile your "then" and "now".  I know you are working at it. Your two beautiful sons have worked so hard to make a good life for themselves.  Your husband, who shares this journey with you, stands by your side.  I don't know much about Canadian healthcare bur certainly March seems a long way off.  Your world has been profoundly different  and as we all learn with this loss it will never be the same. Our grief changes us and our healing comes from learning to integrate those changes and our grief into the new fabric of our lives. All of the negative emotions you have seemed to be wrapped up in Kira and your thoughts of having no "right" to experience anything new or old because she no longer can---on this physical plane.  Lesley summed it up pretty well about "What would Kira think?"  Kira loved you every minute of her life.  She loved her dad and her brothers. She loved her physical life and now flourishes in her new existence both in heaven and in your hearts.  Keeping her with you is the most beautiful thing you can offer her---as you go about recreating a different life--that is one where you are the mom she knows you are to her brothers as they make THEIR way through physical life and you and your husband stand arms around smiling both inwardly and outwardly that you are doing a loving job for all of your children and each other. You will never leave Kira behind, you will never forget her.  She is your beautiful girl and will be a part of you forever...and she knows what a kind, loving supportive mom you are. She wants to see you practice being kind and supportive to yourself and not so self critical of your actions and thoughts. Taking a walk in nature, watching a hockey game, putting seasonal placemats on a table (ok that was me) don't take you away from your beautiful daughter.  It brings her joy. Her angel heart soars everytime she sees you or one of the boys do or accomplish something no matter how small, that says, "We love you, Kira.  You are the reason we can go on...."

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The Whole of the Moon, our kids see the Whole of the Moon!

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My girl is in heaven

Dee. Oh I love that. Our angels can see the whole moon. I always look for them dancing now.

dianne. Oh no you did not start my panic attack.  In fact I love it when somebody shares their experiences. It gives me another perspective on things. And I love all of you for your outpouring of support.  What you just wrote I have just read several times that I feel I have no  ‘right’ to experience anything new or old. That really struck me. Because that is exactly right. I constantly try to justify to Kira what I am doing...that I’m not going to be happy or take a step. That I’m only putting in time til I can be with her. I’m only looking after her brothers and father. These thoughts make me hesitate enjoying a piece of pizza, putting make up on, watching tv and playing and hugging her kitty.  But it’s just like standing up to your knees in the ocean being sure u can stay in that spot but somehow the tide pushes you forward even if you don’t want to move.  I know I still have many struggles like this but am very slowly trying to take a few baby steps. I walked by a pair of reindeer antlers in the dollar store I so wanted to buy for Lilly. We always dressed her up in sweaters and hats. She looks so cute.  I battled for three days telling myself NO...that is giving into Christmas and I will not partake in a Christmas that Kira cannot be part of.  Absolutely not, especially when I have worked so hard to keep it out of my heart.  I finally did buy them because I knew if Kira was watching she would laugh so hard at how silly Lilly looks in them.  Still not sure if i should have or not but Aaron loves Lilly too and he really enjoyed the picture.  A step maybe?..I don’t know..

image.jpg

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Lou Ann, your picture brought a smile to Ross's face...thanks for sharing. 

Georgina, thank you for sharing your song.

Thinking of everyone and wishing you all comfort and peace over the holiday season. 

Kate

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InHeavensKeeping

I wish you all strength and lots of love this Christmas I thought I’d share this.

God Bless  Georgina x 

 

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Louann, the antlers for Lilly is very definitly a step forward!     She looks so cute and funny.     That feeling you had in the store sounds like a panic attack.  Our bodies way of telling us we need to release the stress and pain we are holding in.   If your doctor prescribes meds to help it is not forever.   Just until things come back into balance again.    In March it will be 6 years since Sarah my 33 year old daughter died from Breast Cancer. It is such a hard journey.  But I do know our girls want us to live our lives the best way we can.   This honors them .    There are good days and days that take us back to the horrible pain.   That is the roller coaster of our grief.   We will never "get over it".  It can't , our girls are no longer here.   I think it is more of incorporating grief into our lives and learning how to carry it with us.    I also am trying to remember when the hard painful times come to not fight it, and let myself feel what I feel knowing that I will be ok  again.  And I am.    Right now is one of those times for me.    I think giving ourselves permission to go with how we are feeling and takes some of that pressure that builds up and causes those horrible panic attacks.    Hang in there, and just move forward one step at a time, somedays one minute at a time.   This is a great group and so supportive.  I am glad you are here.

Sandy

 

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Hello All.

Thank you so much for all of your thoughts, prayers and kind words for Heather's family and me.  She went quietly with her family around her.     I know that she and Sarah have been talking non stop since she arrived.        Of course the pain for her family  is overwhelming and as we all know the hard work is just beginning.    It is very hard to watch them suffer knowing what is ahead. I remember so vividly that dark hole that seemed unending for so long and returns at times unexpectedly.   As I shared with Louann I am trying to just let myself go with what I feel at this moment, knowing that I will regain my footing again.    The world has lost a sweet, loving and caring young woman and her loss will  be felt by so many.    I hope I can help even a little as my dear friends walk this journey that none of us every wanted to experience.    Thank you again for all being here.  The support here is a life line.    Thinking of everyone during this hard weekend where the joys of the season conflict with the reality of loss for all of us.

Sandy

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Georgina,

Thank you so much for the video.  It is EXACTLY what I needed tonight and I will send it on to Heather's family.

Sandy

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