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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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dianne how awful for your cousin. To lose a child and not know because he was so reclusive is terribly sad my heart goes out to her. i am glad she has you to help her through this traumatic time. We all know the emotions and thoughts that surround a parent when they lose their child. At least he was found and can be interred and a service held in his memory for those he left behind. Sadly some people do prefer an isolated existence cutting themselves off from family and friends to live alone whether they have mental issues or not, but I am sure that was a source of great anxiety and sadness for your cousin over time. I am glad your daughter will be with you perhaps she can help to lift your spirits. We spend our lives preparing our children for the world and to fly the nest but it is hard when we cannot see them as often because they live in other cities. I kind of hanker for the good old days when all the family used to live in the same town and had more opportunity to gather together, but understand times have changed and you need to go where jobs are available.

susan I was glad to hear from you and hope the polyp gets sorted so you can enjoy food again without pain and throwing up. that must have been horrible and I definitely get your desire for real food again.

tina i agree with dee that medications are very specific to each individual. I think it may be a case of trying an anti depressant with or without an anti anxiety medication and see how you go. It takes a few weeks to get into your system. Anti depressant therapy for me is a life long necessity without them I crash and burn, but for some people may only be necessary for a few months. they don't fix you or whatever you are going through but they stop the crashing lows and kind of even out your mood a little so that you can be more objective and calmer.

 

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Susan, I sure hope that you are on the mend, that you are feeling a bit better each day. Keeping you in my prayers for a full recovery.

It was 64 degrees here today on December 4th and now, old man winter is trying like hell to burst through the wall of warm weather we have had...the wind gusts are 45 mph, whistling winds and branches down...by morning, the temps will be in the low 30's and should not climb out of the 30's for several days. This is as it should be, cold weather to kill the mold on the leaves which plague allergies, but also, this global warming and environmental change is very disturbing. I am holding you all in my heart and hoping for goodness and good sleep.

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Gosh Dee, looks as if winter is at your doorstep. I do hope that you will get some of the white stuff to add a touch of Christmas feeling to things.

Dianne, how was your visit with your daughter? How nice to have that chance to see her again. I bet you were looking forward to it.

Susan, I have been thinking of you and wondering how you are feeling the past couple of days. I'm sure you are glad to be home yet hope that they will resolve this issue so that you will be feeling better soon. I'm really happy that your daughter is there to help out. 

Lesley, is your operation next week? Will you have a very long stay in the hospital? I certainly hope that your family will be able to help you out once you are home recovering. Keep us posted and good luck.

Tina, how is the job search coming along? Anything look promising that appeals to you? Is your son excited about Xmas?

Leah, did you get that Colorado Low blast of winter yesterday? We had the edge of it, but it sure was windy and snowy. The snow is perfect condition for skiing. Powdery and light. How are you feeling this week? I hope your lung condition is beginning to settle down. 

Sherry, I see that it has been  heavenly in your neck of the woods. I can't believe those temps. Please send some our way.

Georgina, how are things?

I'm thinking of everyone and wishing you all peace in your day.

Kate

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thanks Kate. I had a call to say my surgery has been postponed until jan 11th. We are very fortunate to have a National Health service with free health care paid for in our taxes. one of the issues that poses is a wait time for non urgent surgeries. I am 19 months on from the original ankle fractures with chronic pain so waiting a bit longer is not an issue. Actually it also means i will be stable over the Xmas period too, ok walking is limited but at least I can walk with a stick and boot and can still drive until the day of my op so a bit more freedom. The surgery itself will be day surgery with a recovery time of more than 6months and physiotherapy afterward. it will be fine I am kind of used to anaesthetics and ops now having had 5 already on this stupid ankle. The big downside of having severe osteoporosis, but hey things could be worse so I'll take it!

Our weather is all over the place too. It has been very mild then we had a cold spell with near freezing temps now milder again but with another cold snap forecast. We very very rarely get snow here in the south west unless it is a sprinkling. It has been mainly dry though. I have had to use my blue light box most days as the winter sun is very low and weak, not enough to hold the SAD off.

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My girl is in heaven

I have been off the site since about nov. 15th.  I was thinking maybe lack of response was maybe an indication that not only was I not helping anyone but was maybe saying the wrong things and making people feel worse. While I have got so much compassion and support here and I still need, I also try to reach out to anyone who is having a rough time and try to be open and honest about what my experiences have been or even just inquire about others lives as I know we all need support for our daily lives sometime.  Please know I would never intentionally hurt anyone and I am sorry if I have. Despite what I have been told and I try not to dwell quite as much on it as I used to, I carry a tremendous amount of guilt about not responding to Kira’s collapse.  I can hear that sound as clear as day and despite being the most over reacting mother I cannot say why I did not run up stairs when I heard that sound.  I know for sure I could have saved her from drowning but I don’t know about the arrthymia. How ever slim I was her only chance and it is a horrible burden to bear. I just did not want to live with the fact I was the cause of making someone feel bad as that would be more guilt and I simply can’t hold anymore.  .  I am aware the suffering from low self esteem, grief and depression, that my mind can be very convincing that I cause nothing but misery to others and am a totally worthless person.  But Kate is right when she says “ there is a common understanding that simply nobody can begin to connect with beyond here on the site”.  That is so true. We are aliens from the loss of a child planet even if we don’t show it on the outside, we are terribly scarred on the inside and always will be.   I have a hard time talking to anyone who hasn’t lost a child now because they are so shallow and unconcerned, only happy that it wasn’t their kid.  I have thought of nothing much but getting my life in order since Kira died.  I’m obsessed with how I’m leaving things for my boys.  I won’t even let myself entertain the thought that my boys might marry and have children someday. One of the things I have learned in six years is to have no hopes or dreams anymore.  Well I guess I’m just rambling now I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. Of course this time of year brings its own set of challenges and January 21 st is Kira’s birthday and I am starting to feel it already.  Do you ever think what it might feel like to have the sweet, sweet relief of not carrying this horrific heartache anymore.  I do.  

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Fifty years ago yesterday my dearest and closest friend died. She was my best friend. It was a slow and lingering death. She suffered from heart disease. Today she most likely would have survived given the advances made in heart research. Her family fell apart. Particularly her Mom. Before long her mother took her own life. I watched as her other children SUFFERED beyond belief that not only did they lose their young sister, but now their Mom. The question they must have asked themselves was did she only love her? What about them? They were still very much alive and needed their mother! When you reach a point that your thoughts are so dark... then it is vital to get the professional help and support that you require. We all wish this had not happened. The only question I ask myself is "why"? Lou Ann, we all have pushed ourselves to adjust our lives to living without our child. The pain is indeed horrible. Still, we keep going. I have another son and granddaughters. I love them dearly. I would never put them through what my friend's mother did. She was broken and clearly not thinking clearly. If only she had gone for help They never got over it.

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TearsInHeaven

Luanne, I have read pretty much everything on here and NEVER have I seen you be unkind or uncaring.  You may not realize it but YOU offer comfort so many times.  I went through a really bad time the last weeks of November as we reached another marker and hope I never get so low again----but I know it will happen.  It is the nature of our grief.  If your thoughts are in the direction you are alluding to--PLEASE get some help.  You are important and Kira knows and always knew that. We all have the "what ifs" so many times and probably always will.  Your boys--- can you imagine your boys having to deal with losing you?  You are their mother and a most important part of their lives. Yes someday they may marry and have children---and those children will be a part of you. How will your sons cope knowing that their children would not know what a wonderful mom they had that encouraged and loved them but left them?  Yes, this journey is the worst ever and sometimes the pain can feel so overwhelming.  But if you are in a dark place and feel that there is no way out you need to reach up your hand to a professional, a help line SOMEONE who can reach that hand and help to pull you back.  Kira wants you get help because she will never accept your giving in.  She knows you better.  You may not feel like it is what you want but you are a good mom and you know that when darkness surrounds you you have to be the one to try.  You can do it.  You have come so far--yes maybe a few steps back but you are making it.  Don't let NOT asking for help ever be a 'WHAT IF".

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Mermaid Tears

Dianne....please know I am thinking of you and yours.....I so understand that 'dark space' you entered into....I think it was the 3rd or 4th year....it seemed as if November came and every physical....emotional....spiritual side....had a spear in it....and my soul was on a journey of seeking. Seeking what....I did not know. It was a week-end and I was home alone...had lots to do.....I finally turned on QVC....not to buy anything...but to hear 'women's voices'....I was born into a crowd...grew up hearing women talk and talk and talk. The things we do just to get by.....may seem strange to other's but....most of us on this site can nod their head in agreement. I am so glad you can be by your cousin's side...you will be able to know how to walk beside her and give her the right empathy. Both of you share so many of the same life lessons...and walks of life. I do have a ray of hope in that you get to enjoy some time with your daughter....what a gift for you.

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louann we all hear you. Your pain and misplaced guilt need help to be reined in otherwise you yourself will buckle under the strain of carrying them. As my friends have suggested so eloquently in their posts seeking more help is really essential to your well being and also for your family's well being too. Giving up is not an option you are needed by so many people. The holidays definitely magnify loss i think we all feel that. just remember you have come this far and there are many friends on this site who also care about you. Your posts have always been kind and thoughtful i think your depression is twisting your self belief and esteem making you believe you are not good enough. Read these posts ,we value you and your opinions and want you to come out of the dark place you are in because you are worth it and deserve some peace and healing after losing Kira. We are all here to hold your hand ok?

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LouAnn, as you can see you are very much a part of our community and we all do care about you. You are having a really difficult time carrying so much guilt that is misplaced. It was not your fault that you did not respond as quickly as you felt you should have. The others on the site that posted today gave very good advice. Please reach out to someone that can guide you through this very difficult process. Keep posting on the site. You have always given support to everyone and are very much needed by all of us. Things will improve in time. It will not always be this hard. 

How about those Jets? Not too shabby. Although they lost last night. Have you been watching the games at all? 

Dee, how are you getting along with your shopping for the families that your kids are gifting? Lovely idea and so much appreciated I'm sure.

Susan, I hope that each day sees a slight improvement. 

Lesley, I am pleased that your operation is postponed until after Christmas. So much nicer to enjoy the holidays with your kids. Did you ever finish your cacti garden? 

Well my mind is a sieve these days. I have now sent multiple Christmas cards to the same people. Wow! I'll be glad when the 12th. is over. We are setting up tables and sorting toys next week for a local group. It will keep us busy and I know that Jeff will be pleased that we are foraging ahead. I think of you all even if I don't always mention names. Have a good evening.

Love to ALL, Kate

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Mermaid Tears

I am slowly getting more in balance every day....I vowed to get a tiny bit better and a tiny bit stronger every day....it is slow...slow....and for me....that is a hard pill to swallow...thanks to each one of you that have me in your heart and thoughts.....here is a photo of our Veto...thinking my Northern Sisters would really like this....his helmet comes off for good in two weeks....he is a tough trooper.....

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Veto and the BLACKHAWKS! Whoo-hoo for that. The team will welcome him with open arms. I am so glad to know that you are getting better but I do know how hard this must be for you Susan, you are so used to going '240' and doing several things at once. This is time to slow it way down, and perhaps this forced slow-down will allow you to just sit quietly for a bit and soak in the sunlight and the sounds and give you something unexpectedly lovely. I hope so anyhow. These photos are precious. Thanks for sharing. Save that helmet, just in case he plays hockey when he is older and comes to Chicago.

Louanne, I am so sorry that you felt that folks were not responding to you in your need. I have to say that I felt you were letting us know that you and your husband were finding ways to get out of the house and force some time doing some things that allowed your world to expand a bit. I felt that you had a lot of positive feedback here, that everyone was happy for you and that you felt that Kira was happy for this change. I would have never guessed that you felt that you were not getting the responses that others were getting. It is a crowded house here, but I feel that everyone gets a good representation of response. Please come back and let us know what you are going through right now. Yes, everyone here has felt that it may be nice to not feel what we feel when we are in the depths of our losses, but we all also know and recognize that your statement sounds like a hint at taking your life, and nobody wants that, not anyone. YOu need some help dear, not for any other reason but the fact that this loss of Kira is killing you, the guilt is killing you. Get help so that your kids can see that you are willing to find ways to live your best life for them and you.

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Susan, thank you so much for warming my heart on this chilly winter evening. Those pictures of your family are beautiful! I hope that you let everyone spoil you as you have them over the many years that I have known you. You deserve it. Get well soon.

Well I have to say that I think I solved the fox situation. Or should I say it resolved itself. I have never actually seen a fox as tame as this one. He or should I say she is now coming to eat the oiled sunflower seeds from our feeder that have fallen to the ground. Between the fox and deer and birds along with a pair of rabbits...gosh this feeder is getting a workout. And all getting along without trying to kill each other. Cute as the Dickens. The temps have dropped considerably this evening. Tonight they are calling for a low of -18C. but it has already reached that. Still it is warm and cozy inside. Love to All for a warm and peaceful night.

Kate :)

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My girl is in heaven

Oh I am overwhelmed by all your kindness and support.  I wish I could hug each and everyone of you.  Strange to me you would think I was alluding to suicide.  Those thoughts are a constant train of thought to me and have been since I was a very young girl.  I just wrote them down this time that’s all.  They just got worse when I lost Kira. It’s just part of growing up with no confidence or self esteem.  I was instilling those things on Kira. There is no way I would let her grow up like me.  Most of the time I can just ignore or say shut up but sometimes they can drag me back into the hole. I am so glad I didn’t offend anyone.  Leslie’s right depression can really warp your way of thinking.  Thanks again for your kindness. I don’t know what I did to deserve such good friends but I cherish everyone of you.  We’ll post more later about where I am at but just wanted to let you know I feel much better now and like I am back home.  

Yes kate am watching every game I can. Some nights there are games on from 730 right thru til midnight. Kinda a hockey heaven for me.  

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TearsInHeaven

Luanne, so glad you posted back. You are an integral part of our group...I like the way that term "our group" sounds...and we are all different and yet united by one goal..learning to live after the worst loss imaginable. You know you hold Kira in your heart. She is never far from you, her dad, her brothers... Sometimes we slip and sadness and even agony swallows us but life is there. Hold onto it with both hands. That is Kira you just heard saying, "you got this mom, you can do it."

Susan, thank you. I cherish the words when someone helps me relate to the bumps in this road. I think my last bump was a ravine.!  Coming back up for air maybe made me a little stronger, a little more able to get back on my feet...for now. Hoping every day brings a bit of healing to you. That Veto...what a doll. Yea for the Blackhawks helmet even though they could use getting back on their feet this season. The light in your granddaughter's face speaks volumes.

So yesterday my husband and I went to my cousin's to help go through pictures to create a "slideshow" for her son's memorial. Thanks to you all here and the things I've learned I think we did well in giving her and her husband a bit of comfort. Yes there were some sad moments but there were even some fond memories and a small bit of laughter. Her husband said that was a good afternoon and they needed that. Tim and I knew we needed it too. Paying it forward...

 

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see Luanne you are needed and your opinions valid. the holidays are tough for all of us. Let us all support each other, when one or two are down the others can help pick them up and so the circle of care continues. All of us are important.

Dianne I bet the slideshow really helped, going through photos is really hard, so having you and your hubby there to help was very important and undoubtedly made a sad occasion a little easier. using your own knowledge of grief is invaluable help. No one knows grief like those who have walked that path personally.

susan Veto is adorable precious photos.

I have put up my decorations but the tree still needs doing. It does not feel the same anymore but that is ok I am doing it for my other children. i often still feel really numb. I have always had a soft heart and would cry over sad books or movies etc but now find that although I still feel touched I do not cry. probably because i have shed so many tears over the last couple years, and also the fact that once you lose a child nothing else seems to compare. I have bought Tommy's ornament for the tree for this year and will once I am paid will send a check to my local homeless centre in Tommy's name as his Xmas present. paying it forward like dianne said. You never know when you will need the generosity of others as life can be really crappy so helping others is important.

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We have sparse decorations and somehow that is enough. The Kids live only a few blocks from us and they have two trees and the walks we take give us beautiful scenes of lights and sparkle...at lunch today, I walked to the park near my old house where my kids were raised most of their young years, and where there is a tree for Erica. I hung a silver sparkly ornament from her, had a little talk with her, went back to school. I will hang some ornaments next week on the tree in the park at the school where I teach, where my Kids went to school. My students can help.

It has been such a busy active week, I am good and tired and look forward to bedtime and my book. I am listening to a band I really like and many of you may like them if you give a listen: War on Drugs is the name of the band. Talented.

Lesley, funny, I cry over the tiniest things and always have. For a couple of years I was on some meds for my anxiety and I could not cry, no tears would come...it was odd, I mean I cry over the news almost daily, I cry when I see talented ice skaters, I cry from a song, a lovely story...you name it. heart on my sleeve.

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My girl is in heaven

Dianne and Lesley, thanks. I know your right. But sometimes I can go along ok and then for whatever reason take a dive back into the hole.  The other day I was trying so hard just to hold my own. I was cleaning up in Aaron’s room and came across a picture of Aaron and Kira at summer camp years ago that I had never seen before.  Any bit of progress or tiny step I had made that day was totally wiped out. It just took looking at one picture to just gut me again. One step forward, two back. I have managed to put out two or three decorations and a tiny spindley 3 foot silver Charlie Brown tree up. Very low key and no lights but just a little something for when the boys come home. Randy said why are you putting that junk out. After six years of totally rejecting everything Christmas it was a start.

But I understood what my husband was thinking.  Why bother. Xmas is just another day to “get thru”. Lesley has kindly been babysitting me the last few weeks and convinced me to be the one to show my family it is ok to live again.  There is just no way randy or the boys will do that.  I have just ordered a few things on line for the boys.  Nothing like I used to do. But I need a few things like socks and underwear; etc.  So I had my husband take me to a mall a couple times this week.  I knew what I was in for, the carols, decorations, the moms with their daughters. But I soldiered in anyway.  While it was difficult I simply drew up enough courage and told myself I had to this....for my boys.  Both boys have girlfriends. Which is the only happy spot I have had much in six years.  I am so glad they have someone and very nice girls.  So when I was looking for little things like nail polish or hand cream I so so much wanted to be buying three of them instead of two.  I did a little shopping and as pathetically weak as this sounds I would tell myself, dee is teaching, Kate is playing with her foxes, Dianne is comforting her cousin, Susan was recovering, Lesley was maybe putting up her tree and maybe Tina was seeing a dr. About some meds, etc, etc,  but is what I told myself is I knew there were others bereaved moms out there  with hearts just as broken as mine. But I knew no matter the pain, you all got up this morning and went about your day what ever that entailed doing the best you could, so somehow I had to too.   Sometimes just knowing somebody knows your pain and is there for you is all that matters.  Yesterday a man in Toronto went thru a Tim Hortons (coffee) drive thru and said to the clerk I’ll pay for the guys behind me and tell him to have a good day.  As it turned out that man had planned on committing suicide later that day but changed his mind because somebody showed him they care.  So Lesley you are right the circle of care continues. Thanks to all of you for my much needed boost this week.   And yes Dianne I did hear Kira say you got this mom. You can do it.  

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Well Louanne, it sounds to me that you took your lessons to heart and made your way to the malls and to finding ways to be present in order to provide for your family. Yes, Kira must have been singing...so glad that Her Mom was out there doing this kind of work. We all do get up each day, and somehow make it to the end of the day where we can sigh and realize that being busy is sometimes the answer to our finding our way.  Do you think it would help your husband if you and he bought a few new decorations, ones that were not part of your traditions previously?

Lesley, how nice that you are being mentor-like, how wonderful that you are helping Luaanne through this piece of time.

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I haven't seen a dr yet. I can't afford to. I am so struggling to get by. I....idk.  Barely making it. I know I need everyone on here. I so need you all. Someone asked me the other day how I was doing. It was the first time I didn't have a response. I usually say ok. I'm getting by. This time I told her I honestly cannot tell you how I feel. I can't explain. Honestly, if I think about it, I'm drowning. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to think. I don't want to do anything. I just want to lay in bed. I cannot and will not believe she is gone. Too painful. Too heartbreaking. If I believe, it will tear me in two again. I cant

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My girl is in heaven

Tina.  I’m so sorry you are struggling. R u still working or has place shut down. How did job at prison pan out.   Do you not get health care thru employers. Is there a flat monthly fee that each person has to pay.  I’m not familiar with your system. Our health care is paid for here but quite a wait time.  Or do u pay per visit.  I can’t accept that my Kira is gone either. I have been seeing a chaplain for 5 1/2 years and what she has explained to me has helped me to accept that’s she is not just gone.  She tells me our angels in heaven are in a place so wonderful  that we cannot comprehend here on earth. She tells me they no longer have the need or desire for earthly things so we shouldn’t feel bad they are not enjoying the things they used to here.  And she tells me they don’t measure time like we do. There time is eternity so they can wait for us to finish our life here.   So I have no way of knowing this is correct more than any one else does. But is what I chose to believe. I picture, her, I feel her. So that’s what I tell myself when I think she is just gone. The chaplain asked me to consider last week if maybe Kira can’t do all and what she needs to do because she sees how sad her mama is and wants her to be happy.  I’m still thinking about that one. But if I take even a baby step forward I refuse to believe I am leaving her behind. Instead I bring her with me.  This is what I hold on to.  I know our girls understand that we need to be there for their brothers. I don’t know if this is helpful for you but that is the one way I can survive this.  Maybe our girls are together.   I understand your feeling of wanting to stay in bed, I laid  on the couch all winter last year in a terrible state..it was horrible. Your first Xmas will be hard. I which  I could tell you all the rest will be ok after this one but they won’t be. It will never be alright but I like to think I’m slowly weaving my grief into this new life, the one none of us want.  I hope u can think of where Kiona is the same way I do Kira. It will be hard but u need to shine a little light for Grayson. Do you have any plans for the holidays. Keep going, you have come so far since March. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am here if you want to email or I can even call you if that would help. Please take . 

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TearsInHeaven

Tina, I so understand how things are right now. That first year was like living in another dimension,. If this makes any sense it is like I knew but didn't accept,  I felt every ounce of pain but couldn't comprehend. I guess that sounds weird I know. I truly cannot remember how I got through that year except for the pain. But now I have somehow completed three years...a rough time turning that corner for sure, but a change once again.  I know that looking at some of our friends and mentors here gives me hope but believe me, my first year I did not understand that word hope. Luanne gave a lot of good advice above and while your mind read it eventually your heart will come along to absorb it. . The year of firsts I felt like roadkill where every moment was like being run over. I still have those times but I think I am learning to recognize them and work through. Slowly but surely. Tears still come daily and sleep is elusive many nights but some how a  new day keeps coming. Eventually you will learn to recognize Kiona's arm around your shoulder especially when you need it most.

 

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Tina, life after this loss is hard to find, it feels like you walk over the rubble of the past, like nothing makes sense, time, items, money, nothing. And yet, there are others trying to find sense too, who need you in ways that feel impossible right now. I am sorry. I remember being at the place you are right now, facing the first Winter Holiday Season without your Girl. Nothing natural about it. And now with worries about your job and finances...nothing is making sense. Do you have any governmental agencies that are able to help with financial aide? Food pantry? Housing alliance? If friends want to help, ask them to look into the availability of assistance through these kinds of agencies. It is so hard to focus on paperwork at this time in grief, so let someone else do that part. One day you will understand that you are carrying Kiona with you, and that she will always be a part of your everyday but right now, it is pain that drives the days. I remember waking and going to bed with that same kind of ache and despair. Please hold on and know, it takes time to find your way, to rebuild a life, but all things that are worthwhile are a process, none of them happen quickly. Each day is a struggle, and one day each day won't be this way. I promise you this.

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Tina, you have been given such wise advice by the ladies on the site. I know that when you are down you find you do not have the energy to see your way out of the depression. Dee is right that there are agencies out there that offer assistance to help people bridge that gap when they find themselves in a difficult situation. You have to take that first step and open up to them however. This is probably the most difficult time of the year to get through apart from our Angel dates. It is going to take patience and time to get to a point where you will feel comfortable again. It simply does not happen over night. Your loss is still so fresh and raw. I remember making a to do list and if I accomplished even one task on that list I felt I had had a good day. Eventually it began to get better. Keeping as busy as I could and trying not to focus on it every minute of the day also helped. Jeff died a mere 12 days before Christmas. I asked myself if I could ever see this event in the same light again. It was so filled with tender and happy memories. I had to force myself to get out there and participate as I could. It took ages however. I agree with LouAnn that our children are in a place of such beauty and happiness. I could not want anything better for my son. I miss him terribly, but I know that I will eventually see him again. I would not want him to see me languishing away in misery at his loss. Time is a great healer. Christmas has become so commercialized these days. We have stepped further away from the true beauty and meaning of this season. It should have nothing to do with money. This should be a season of hope and goodwill. There are many good people out there who will reach out to offer you a supportive hand if you only just ask. 

LouAnn...I am not exactly playing with the foxes. Our property is such that we have a lot of open space that the animals feel free to roam in. We have always been nature lovers and just exist quite nicely with the wild life living around us. We are in a position to be able to observe them daily and especially see how the global warming is changing their patterns. There is much change occurring and while it is interesting to watch... it is also very disturbing. You are making progress for sure. Just the things you have done this week are a huge step forward. I imagine the boys are so pleased to see their Mom's spirit lifting somewhat.  

Susan, how are you feeling today? A liquid diet at Christmas time has to be extremely difficult and frustrating for you. Are there plans to actively treat this situation fairly soon? Hope the kids are spoiling you.

Laurie, how are you these days? I bet Benton is so excited about Santa coming. I really hope you will have a few days of relaxation from your jobs.

We spent most of the day in the city yesterday. The drive back up was once again a white knuckle. They did not call for flurries and blowing snow. At one point it was a total whiteout. Honestly we could not see the road or anything in front of us. I prayed hard for sure. Today is cloudy but mild and it is so surprising how quickly it changes. We are off to our little town to take in some of the Christmas festivities. Horse drawn sleigh rides and many activities for everyone are on the line up for the weekend. Off to check it out. Love to you ALL, Kate 

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Dianne-----Oh, friend-----I, so, remember the 2nd and 3rd years .  As Dee said,....the fogginess

of the first shock has worn off, and everything hits full-force.  So nice you had a balloon  release

for Michael's Angel day.  Sorry for your cousin's loss of her dear son.  Sending prayers.

Cheryl-----Yes, the second year after the loss of your son is so very raw and brutal, and the holidays

serve to cause the sorrow and melancholy feelings  to come to the forefront.  Take care, and peace.

Sandy----Sorry to hear that about your two close friends who are battling cancer, and also your

husband's sister's passing.  I pray you can find the strength to get through these difficult times.

Lesley----thanks for that lovely screen shot on grief during the holidays. I love the last line.....

"do whatever you need to do to find a sliver of peace."    I think that even a "sliver" helps to comfort

the wounded soul who is struggling with grief.    About the Chinese messages.....have you tried doing

a Full  Scan on your internet security software?...(e.g. Norton, McAfee, etc)...Sometimes it can catch

something that looks like a 'risk', and  alert you to remove, or quarantine the offending message. I've

had weird stuff infrequently on my computer, and tried the scan.  Sometimes it works, but sometimes

it's difficult to get rid of this bad stuff if it's deeply embedded. :angry: 

Dee-----sending up prayers for your friend who is fighting cancer. Such a dreaded disease, and it seems

as though everyone has a friend, neighbor, colleague or family member battling it.  Wish that a cure could be found.

Kate------Glad that you put up the small tree, and that your husband enjoys the lights. I have not put up the tree yet,

and am not sure, at this point whether to or not.  Just have not decided yet. We do have a 4 ft. lighted wreath hung on

the front port where it can be seen from the road. Your  beautiful surroundings of nature

are so nice for taking walks...(with your bear spray in hand :rolleyes:) ,   and just for taking it all in with the eyes.  Sounds

lovely. My husband and I find nature to be a very healing source, and often go to a nearby metro park, or just take

walks into our own woods. The corn is harvested, so now it's easier to hike back to the woods.

Leah----Sending prayers for your health, and for Sena.

Tina----Sorry that you are in such a dark place. It's good you're going to see the Dr.  to get the help you need.

  Good luck with the patient care tech job, if you go that route.

Ayannasmom----Good to see your post. And, so glad that you were able to complete the work of your daughter's 

poems and writings and see them put into book form.  It must have been a real labor of love.  Peace to you.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

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tina how you are feeling is really normal. Grief saps the very life out of your bones, and it is so tiring keeping up  a front and to keep it all together. You are also facing financial difficulty and job concerns, so you have that added burden on your shoulders. I am on disability and know how you have to watch every penny to spend on the bills, leaving nothing for self care, or having any fun or frivolous purchase. Like our wise friends have suggested, look for help in your community and or church family. They can often access a few resources to help ie food parcels etc. It is too hard to do alone bless you. Also you are still very new to grieving, still in the first year, and gradually the fog lifts and the pain comes back again as reality sets in. One thing I like about this forum is the honesty ,no sugar coating, that grief sucks, that it can bring you to your knees, that some days we fall into the pit of despair and sorrow again even though we felt progress is being made. The truth is that the holidays are very hard for everyone it magnifies sorrow and loss. There are always going to be trigger days like birthdays, mother's or father's day, thanksgiving and so on, but the fact is that we all crumble from time to time just from the weight of sorrow and that is ok. There may not be a trigger, it is just impossible to force down inside those emotions any more and they erupt. That is ok, sob, wail, scream, and feel it all, let out that anguish and pain, immerse yourself and let it all go. You will emerge exhausted and drained but actually a little better mentally although you may not realise it at the time. That release is good it gives you  a starting point to again pick yourself up and keep going. there is no way other than up when you are at the lowest point. you are stronger than you realise and you have made it this far. i believe in human kindness and am sure you will get some help if you ask for it. We are here for you to emotionally support you don't forget that. take care

sherry I did virus scans etc then told the moderator the screen name and it vanished. However there is still one chinese note on the log in page I just ignore it. I like the idea of a lighted wreath welcoming people to your home. It is interesting to read all the different ways people celebrate and or decorate for the holidays we are all so individual and in different time scales but whatever we choose to do, or not do, is ok, because the love for our spirit children shines through brightly in each one of us. Our children are still with us they are always with us,  and we should do whatever we are comfortable with, and taking it just one day at a time. I feel lucky to be part of this community knowing i can post and get answers quickly and that the sorrow I feel is echoed and understood, that in itself brings a sliver of peace, thanks friends.

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The Circumference of Erica’s Life

 

The circumference of Erica’s world-

her life-

is 19---her end point on Earth.

The three times rule tells me that her diameter would then be 6.3.

 

If I could orbit the circumference of Erica’s life; a satellite to her star-

I would see some of her stories unfold

Some would delight my soul

others would make me turn away-

an invasion into her private life If I watch-

so I orbit what I do know-

and round and round I wander the life of my Girl.

 

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Susan------Am sorry to hear that you have been sick and in the hospital.  I

missed your posts when you were away.  sending up lots of prayers for

a speedy recovery.   Peace & comfort, friend.

 

Dee----Love your poem about ERi.  Lovely sentiment, and you have such

a way with expressing ,( and putting into endearing words ),.....your forever love for sweet Eri.

 

Sherry

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My girl is in heaven

Dee, what a beautiful way to look at Erica’s life.  Yes if we could only see what was ahead for them. I have never charged up Kira’s phone to read it. She was a teenage girl and would not have wanted her mom reading her conversations.  And I know if I did it would simply be devastating to read the last glimpses of her life.  The police called me a couple years ago to come pick it up and when I did I broke down. The policeman was nice enough to have me in for a minute.  But some days I wonder if I should read it. No no I just can’t.  It is very hard to not think of what they would be doing or look like today.  They all had so much to offer this world. I love that you put an ornament on that tree, a sparkly one .  So you have a son who lives close by then. So how many grandchildren do you have then.  My sister in law who lost a child many years ago now has grandchildren from her other child.  She says they change you and Bring some light back to your life.

Lesley. I feel lucky too that I found this site and all of you.  MY GOD...THIS WORLD DOES NOT CARE.  I still find that mind boggling that a loss of a child  sparks no compassionate or kindness from people outside of the first few days.  And yes I would settle for a sliver of peace any day...just a sliver even.   Did you get your tree up. R your kids all coming for the holidays to your place.  I hope so.

kate.  Yeah I guess playing with foxes wasn’t quite what I meant. Your place sounds beautiful. I am so jealous. My husband and I would love to live near water and woods.  I always say Canada is a beautiful country everywhere except southern Ontario.  Unless you like cornfields and cows. Lol. I so wished I’d moved from here years ago. We are thinking about visiting Manitoba next summer(but of course I never look that far ahead in life) so I might pick your brain sometime about what are good places to see or maybe renting a cottage. I can just picture you walking out of the woods with this trail of critters behind you. Lol. How is Ross doing. Is he done his eye treatments. Loads of hockey on tonight.

sherry, you have any snow yet.  We only have a dusting. I would think you and I would have about the same weather.  I hope it’s not a bad winter.

dianne I’m sorry I was absent on the 28th. I know it was a difficult day for you. And then to have Christmas coming up.  I’m glad I have you guys to hang on to this Christmas. 

Susan. I hope you are feeling better and have lots of help. Please take it easy. I would love to come over and help you and bring you a blueberry coffee cake. I can’t believe all the snow you have and the big crash up there. You have more than Ontario has got so far. That little veto is such a doll.  He will have fun at Christmas. Please let us know how you are doing.  Take care.  Do you guys have snow tires there.

Colleen. I see you celebrated your Aaron’s birthday. Nice picture.  My Aaron was 26 on Nov. 14th. What day is your Aaron’s birthday. We took him out for supper too. It was hard but we had to do it for him.  Just trying our best to carry on. 

tina. See how many people care about you.  Let us know how things are going.  You’ll get thru, look how far you have already come.  Keep talking to us.

Gretchen,devianz, Georgina, Becky, Somersky....how are you guys doing.

Well off to my hockey...Toronto has scored twice in two minutes.  Have a nice rest of the weekend everyone. 

 

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Hi everyone. Thank you all for the words of encouragement and support. I'm not much different today than I was yesterday. Had to get out to get laundry done. I'm hoping to hear good news about the patient care tech position by the end of the week. There are bank positions open as well. Just so tired of it all. I know I have come far. Just feels like one step forward and 20 back. Too many thoughts running through my head to even make sense of them. I just wanted to get on and tell everyone thank ok and I'm still here.

Peace and love to all

Tina

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Tina, two steps forward adn 20 back stillmeans you are moving forward, those two steps are still two more than if you just went 20 backward. I am not trying to split hairs, I am pointing out that however small those steps may feel, they are steps and we are proud of you because we know how damn hard it is...nothing in the world can possibly prepare you for this deepest pain. Remember that the birth of our Dearhearts changed us forever, and loss of them will do this too. The first year is the hardest time, I felt so confused as to who I could possibly be without my Daughter in the world.

Louanne, yes, Jon lives 3 blocks away with his wife and their two kids. They named their Daughter Erica...they went into labor on My Erica's birthday, in April of 2013...two weeks early, and had her the next day. Very magical. They had their Son 17 months later so the Kids are close in age and close in proximity. I adore being Grammy and seeing them often. LOVE beyond words. My Grandgirl was born 10 years after my Own Erica was killed. I had many years finding my steps and learning about how to build a life out of the rubble,out of the ashes. I needed to show my Son who was 21 when his Sis died, that we still had a purpose, that we still had to find our way. He lost the person in his life that he was supposed to know the longest...the witness to his life, as they say. He worked hard and was surrounded by many good friends as he picked up the pieces and created his life anew. He is a strength and the smile in my everyday.

Louanne and Sherry, glad you like the poem, I wrote it a few years ago, maybe more. It just felt like a good time to post it, another way of looking at our Child's life. Louanne, no, we don't need to know everything, all of their stories, I know that all folks, even our angels, need some privacy.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Susan, sending healing thoughts to you for your upcoming medical tests. Sending lots of hugs.

Ayanna's mom, congratulations on the new book of poems from your daughter! It is a beautiful legacy.

Tina, I think being in the first three years, most of my time was spent in a fog.  For me, I believe it was about the 4 year along I could focus on really anything. 

Have to run...sending love to all.

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Laurie, so good to see you today. WIshing you goodness and joy. Susan, when do the tests begin? How are you feeling now?

Kate, glad that you are getting out in the winter for those all peaceful walks, me too. And Sherry, I agree, your big wreath sounds like a warm invite to those going past. Peace.

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tina I hope job opportunities continue to come up for you so you can have a choice.

louann I still have Tommy's cell phone too. I so wanted to charge it up and read it but I also felt it would be an invasion of his privacy too so I just have it in my closet on the shelf. I intend one day to bury it in my special place I just could not bring myself to recycle it. It is only a very cheap phone but I know how important to youngsters their phones are, almost their lifeline and it would feel wrong to do anything else but bury it so he has it. i am aware that sounds really crazy but it is just how i feel.

dee i bet you are a great grammy! Enjoy them as they grow up so quickly. i liked your poem about Eri and am glad you share your gift with us. How lovely that one of your grandkids is named after your precious girl and arrived the day after her namesake's birthday.

Well I did it I put up my xmas tree. it was very peaceful doing it on my own, taking some time to reflect on Christmases past and remembering when my kids made and gave me little ornaments. Almost every ornament has a memory attached to them, a past holiday or place I had visited on a Christmas tour. There are quite a few American ornaments obviously i shall have to get some british ones now I am back in the UK. I put Tommy's latest ornament in the front and watched it twinkling in the lights. i know he was with me because I did not feel lonely doing it by myself. I have saved a few of the kids' special ornaments for them to add to the tree when they come down. My brother and his husband are coming down tomorrow for the night it will be lovely to see them and now I have to do some overdue housework. I feel proud that I have managed to get it together and prepped the house like I always did before because I know my kids will see it as an improvement in my mental state. It does not feel the same as it used to before I lost my Tommy but that is ok small steps i tell myself.

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RIGHT ON LESLEY! Glad for you that you were able to do this hard work and feel peaceful doing it...wonderful.

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Lesley, awesome! I am so happy to see that you put up your tree. The guys will so enjoy seeing your place decorated. We are really enjoying our tree and have to say that I know Jeff is pleased to see us out and about. I hear you had snow in England today. I bet it covered everything in a lovely white coat. Perfect for Christmas.

Dee, thanks for sharing your lovely poetry with us. Yes, we are out and keeping as active as we can. Tomorrow we are off for the day to set up the tables and toys for the Christmas hampers. Two very busy days lined up. We do it slightly differently as along with the food and clothes hampers we allow people to pick out their own toys. The outpouring of donations is overwhelming. They are sorted into age categories and unwrapped. Each family is allowed to pick so many toys per child and who could know better than the Mom or Dad what they would like. Everyone leaves pleased and happy that their child will get exactly what they want. 

Sherry, your wreath sounds delightful and so welcoming. I'm sure the lights are lovely at night.

We had the opportunity to walk into the woods yet again this afternoon. It had snowed ever so slightly during the early morning hours and the sun came out not long after. The snow glistened and sparkled like a million diamonds. Oh, how lovely. And of course our cheery friends followed us along our path. 

Sandy, how are you doing these days? Will you be with the girls for the holiday?

Susan, hope today sees an improvement. 

We started to watch The Crown last night. I am hooked. The second season is every bit as good as the first as far as I am concerned despite critic reviews. 

Wishing everyone a truly peaceful Sunday evening. Love to All, Kate

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TearsInHeaven

Wow! Everyone is so busy decorating for the holidays. Another one of those things that brings hope....Dee- beautiful poem--- I am telling you a book should be in your future in honor of beautiful Eri. Kate, your description of your walks and wildlife ALMOST make me think good thoughts about snow... well maybe not, but they are very descriptive and beautiful as long as I don't have to actually go out in it.  A pretty picture to look at....

Luanne, you took me by surprise with your new name.  You are so right...your girl is in heaven and I believe cheering her mom on for letting some light in. 

Susan, hope you are getting stronger.

Sherry,  you always have the right words to say and I always appreciate them.

Lesley, good for you to get up a tree.  I am probably never going to do that and I always loved my Christmas tree.  I have put out some winterlooking placemats with cardinals.  Big step for me. But I admire your strength to do that tree especially with your ankle.

My daughter sent me a picture of my little Piper.  She is ready for tonight's hockey game. My daughter pointed out that there is now only 17 inches between my granddaughter and me in height--- and she is only 4.  Peace, comfort and warmth to all.

Piper BH 12.17.jpg

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Steve's Mom...thanks for reminding us about the candle lighting.

Dianne, your little Piper is so sweet. I bet she is really excited about Santa coming. I also see she is wearing a Blackhawks shirt. I wonder where that came from? :D

LouAnn, thanks for asking after Ross. He  is plugging  along and keeping as busy as his health will allow. He has never been one to sit on his hands. He is a very active person and I feel it is good for him... as it keeps his mind off of his health. He tires easily, but rests  in between.  

Gretchen, Georgina, Becky, Wade and everyone. Thinking of you at this difficult time of the year.

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PIPER is so pretty, and so tall and lovely. Her hair is 5 times as long as my Grandgirl. So you are petite I gather from the 17 inch difference between you and Piper. She is tall and you are la'pettite. Yes, the placemats are a big step, good for you. I know, I loved my tree each year too, but it feels okay to not, we put some ornaments on one of our large house plant trees...I know a few people at the BlackHawks game tonight. Dianne, how is your cousin doing?

SANDY, where are you? I hope you are okay, I know that you are carrying so much on your  shoulders right now. Prayers my Friend.

Kate, the charity you and Ross assist with sounds perfectly lovely, to be able to let folks choose the gifts that they want to give thier Children..makes a big difference.

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Mermaid Tears

Dianne...you are blessed....what a cutie pie your Piper is....so much healing in those young hearts and hands....all that all encompassing love that radiates from a child's heart and spirit....which is tangible in how it touches us. My granddaughter, Tay, has the same little body and height that I have...4' 11 1/2 ".....and same weight....only one in the whole family that shares that DNA with me....both my grandmothers were 6 feet tall.

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Wow Susan, how unusual that both of your Grandmom's were 6 foot tall...my sister in law from my first husband is 6 foot, and all 4 of her boys are 6'7" or 6'8". And you and Tay harbored some petite gene and both have it which is simply lovely. How are you feeling today?

Three absent kids from my class today, lot's of illness rounding the area. Hopefully All will be healthy for the actual holiday times.

So I baked cookies with the Grandies and my Co-Grandmom, (Shannon's Mom) and Shan's sister and daughter...sugar cookies and boy, did the kids go through sprinkles! Fun times.

 

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TearsInHeaven

Thanks for the kind words on Piper.  As our only grandchild she definitely slips into the role of princess for us.  Yes I am a little short--61 inches and married a man over six foot.. one thing I towered over my mother. 

My cousin seems to be doing adequately.  She is not an emotional type so it is hard to see anything but what is sadness in her face.  That was her only child and as she pointed out, she lost him twice, once because of problems and now his untimely death.  Memorial is Saturday so we will see.

Maryann, thanks for the reminder last night on the candle lighting.  There were certainly many flickering flames going up to the angels above.

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Mermaid Tears

I feel as if I am holding on.....my weight is in a place where I am not losing weight....so that is good. This full liquid diet is restrictive...no salads or fruit or vegetables....which has always been the mainstay of my eating habits. I am being a very good girl. I am walking around more...I am no where near where I use to be in stamina...energy levels...but that is normal for one that has been 'down' for so many weeks. I know that recovery and being patient will work that out in time. I am blessed to have all of you caring for me. I am blessed to have my amazing family and friends.

Tinay....I do hope you will give heavy thought to reaching out to your community with help....either with rent/food/assistance in your needs. There are many organizations that can provide a 'net' to help those that need a little support in times like you are experiencing. You and your son are very much on our hearts/thoughts. The first year is no time to try and be stoic. Grief is exhausting.

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Susan, I am so thankful that you are maintaining your weight...it must be very hard to not eat all the veggies and fruits that were your staple. So I will continue to pray that you heal and recover completely.

Dianne, glad that your cousin is holding her own, I know that her feelings will roller-coaster as they have for us all. I think it is actually harder for those with so much unfinished business, so much not settled.

Maryanne, thanks for the reminder...it used to be so widely announced and if not for your reminder, I would not have had a glowing window for My Girl. Thank you.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Yes Dee.....I have had many moments to ponder and wonder and think and muse of all that I have been through and all that I have learned....learned to carry is the great lesson that I have absorbed. How many times have I wanted to lay it all down....give in and give up....but I know....I have so many that are counting on me...and I do want to do my part. Writhing in pain and not having any control can have many moments of great clarity. I thought of my John David....realizing for the first time how very sick my boy was. He was in a greater pain than I was....he was so...so very sick. It was in the first year I had this great break through in what little wisdom I was able to have....John David would never had left me..unless he had to. I was able to have a sliver of understanding that my child did not have a choice....just as I had no choice....it was time for him to leave this earth home. It was time for him to go to his first home. The second lesson in wisdom...is that he is still 'here'....somewhere. I know that as I know my name is Susan. I remember when these words came to me and I rushed in the house to write it all down...

When there is no cure in the medicine bag to bring them healing......When there is no magic pill in this earth home to relieve them from their pain and suffering....When there are no human hands to mend their broken bones and make them whole again......God/Mother/Father of the Universe comes and takes our child to their first home...And the Lord came with strong arms and took him in the night.

Since the beginning of recorded civilization...children have died...and grief has not changed since then....those parents have struggled with the same grief in losing a child. That kind of grief has been recorded. I am but one of many. It is a good comfort to have those that walk in our shoes.

We are so brave....to keep the lights burning bright for our families....our other living and loving children.

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Living life each day as it comes and as best we can is about the best thing that we can ever do. It takes suffering and being forced to reflect on what is truly important to find out what we are really made of and what truly counts. I have lived long enough to have witnessed much courage in family that I watched die. I will say that at the end they were always ready to go back home. My pain was felt in letting them go as I was selfish and did not want them to no longer be in my life. How we are tormented by our emptiness at the beginning. Imagine what joy we will feel when we once again see them. 

It was a long and tiring day... but oh so worthwhile. The outpouring and generosity of people was incredible. If only the beauty and feelings that are displayed at this time of the year could carry through the rest of the months. There will be some very happy children this Christmas Day. 

Susan, my wishes and prayers sent your way for healing. 

Leah, Tina, and everyone...I am thinking of everyone and sending love your way.

Kate

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Mermaid Tears

lighting the candles for John David....not only once a year...every day.....the Santa Claus was the last Christmas gift from him in 2011....so cherished...

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Good evening all. 

You have all been in my thoughts and have been reading.  Thank you Kate and Dee for thinking of me.   Things are hard right now with alot of loss.  It has made me miss Sarah so much and l long to see her and hear  her voice.   But as Kate has said, we have to live life the best we can.   One step at a time.   So while I am in a very sad place right now, I know that it will get better and that I will be ok.   There are some tough things to go through yet in the next weeks, but I will be back and share as I am able.   My thoughts and prayers are with you all as we go through the holidays.  
Have a restful night.

Sandy

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Sandy, it is good to know that you' KNOW,' that you will make it through this very hard time of many losses and find your footing again. I know with so much loss, the loss of Sarah is that much more poignant and fresh...the time travel that losses create as though we pin-ball back and forth covering years in a short time. We are holding your hands as you hold the hands of others who need you at this time in their lives. Don't neglect your health Dear. Go eat a little something and drink some water...we tend to run on empty when dealing with a lot at one time.

Susan, that Santa is so wonderful, makes me smile and knowing that it was given to you by YOUR BOY, well it makes it all the more special. I love your words tonight, they are bound to help many, the part about when our Dearest Ones were too broken or sick to live here anymore...I have long believed that, and while we miss them so very much, we know that they are fine, more than fine and free from all tethers. Free Birds. Get well Susan...lay down when you need and let yourself rest.

I have two grief cards sitting here on my desk, there have been some losses of folks we know so I have them on the ready...one says: If you are going through hell, keep going...by Winston Churchill.

The other says: When Someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure.

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