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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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My girl is in heaven

Susan. Beautiful pictures of your boys. It makes my heart ache to look at one to the other. We never would have imagined all those years ago the heartache and pain that lay ahead. Thanks for sharing them.

Sandy. Im sorry about your brother. How old was he? I know he is with your daughter now. I so hope your nephew gets some help. Drug overdoses are running ramant here in Canada.

Tina. R u done seeking a leagal course to go. It must be so desperatly hard to look at that cd. Do u think u can give it to someone else to hold. So you arent tempted to keep looking at it. I hate to see u put yourself thru that torture anymore. Please be careful with drinking. I know especially the first year u want anything that will block the pain. We are all still standing here for u.

Leah. How is everything going with cps. I so hope u get custody of those grand babies. No one could love them more than you. Is your daughter going to get help for herself. I sure hope so. U are so strong to be the anchor of your family with all the sorrow u have to live with. Im so glad we all have each other here.

Colleen. Sounds like a beautifiul place for Brians ashes. Like lesley said the tides will carry him all over the world. Im glad u can say life is a different kind of good now. I cant say that yet, but am feeling some changes. Grief sucks the life right out of you and then u have to start filling yourself up again to go on.

Kate. Hope rosses treatments r going well. Gorgeous weather here in ontario. What is manitoba like?

Dee. Beautiful poem about your precious girl. It all just seems like one big crap shot sometimes, the luck or unluck of the draw. Took me a long time to realize i cant control everything. I hope all our kids r friends in heaven.

Laurie. I read that ladys book. She says she died and went to heaven whete she learned of her sons death to come and came back to earth again. Very interesting.

Georgina and becky. How is your health problems going. Hope things r getti g sorted out for both of you.




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Louanne, good to see you today too. Glad you liked the poem...yes, happenstance is sometimes that which we find our losses owed to. How are you doing? It sounds like you may be finding a bit of space around your heart these days...I am glad for it. Try the meditating site I posted as it just is a short time each day or so that you may find helpful as well.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Sandy....Dee once said....we change to make room for the grief.....how true that is....and then....as we go along the earth journey....we find we have to make some more room...for the loss of another dear one. I hope you can find comfort with his memory...and gather up every sweet remembrance.

With all the drug overdoses....it is like the slaughter of the innocents....the more we learn...of how prescriptions were passed out like Halloween candy...is criminal. I agree that maybe a counselor or therapists can be beneficial in your nephews use...to get help before he is beyond help. There are actually drugs that have been so modified that they can cause the chemistry in the brain to be changed with one use. Horrific for the user....and the family.

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My girl is in heaven

A few days ago my husband was watching tv and I heard him laugh. Right out loud he laughed. Of course just one moment thing but it has been over six years since I heard that.  Only other grieving parents could understand the significance. 

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What a great thing to read Louanne, that you heard laughter for the first time in 6 years. Now that is testament to the hope that lies in the lives of those who grieve.

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laurie thanks for sharing that link it was very true. Dee I do think mindfulness and meditation can be very beneficial in so many ways. We have to learn to calm ourselves down when very anxious angry or overly emotional. No one can heal us we need to do it for ourselves and it makes a difference truly. If you have faith in God that is great too, but that is not ever for me anymore.

sandy I hope your sister listens to you and gets her son counselling as he may need rehab. This is probably not the first time and we all are too aware of the dangers of drug use and alcohol poisoning. That is a risk too big to ignore.

Louann how wonderful that your husband laughed. You both need to do more of that for your own health and for your other children to hear. Healing takes forever to appear but the big strides you have both been making show that you are finally getting out of the pit and finding some normality which you all so deserve. keep on going!!

1fa9a6f49adac76343f49da54a66be66--loss-of-sister-quotes-grief-dad-left-quotes-daughters-sad.jpg.ec5cb619df516279174f1f3817b58a9b.jpg

 

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I love this quote, because we are all a part of the same community. We all met through loss and became friends.

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Louanne, all three of those screenshots are right-on.

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Dee..  heart touching poems...  thank you for sharing them

Louanne and Dee...  everybody.. I am back at square one trying to get Sena.  I am not going to give up..  I am filling out new paperwork this week.  I tire of it.. but getting her to me is worth it.  I just hope and pray it is settled soon.

Really tired out today..  my mind is fairly closed off..  not a lot to say, trying to stay upbeat.

I am thinking of each of you.. even through silence.. pray the difficult times, the unhealthy times, the sad times would just leave ..  I know it isn't the way it goes.. but I guess I want to remind each of us that we are still here for each other

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My girl is in heaven

Leah. U keep trying. They will see how much u want and love those kids. I know its hard to stay upbeat but u r a strong person. U can do this.

Lesley. I have a friend who is mortified that i talk to people on the internet. Indeed a few years ago i hooked up with both a mom And a dad who had lost children. Then they stopped emailing me with no explanation. I dont know what i did wrong. Then there's a guy from ohio who lost a child and he emailed me even called me a couple times. Seemed very concerned. Then after a few months he started coming out with his price lists, 6000 for his whole program, monthly rates, 500.00 for a two hour phone call. I didnt bite so he cut off all contact. He really had me snowed over. But i know you guys are all 100 percent legit and are here to help other grieving parents as you walk your own painful journey. I know i finally found a good place where i wont be deserted. Thanks everyone

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Dee for the poetry. I think you might find this pic of a Labyrinth relaxing. 

 

charteslabrinthwalk.jpg

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Sweet Laurie, thank you so much. Yes, on Sunday morning I took a long walk to the labryinth...I love walking it, i pray or speak to the energies of the world while I walk it, sending my personal hopes forward and my universal hopes alongside them. It feels so holistic really.

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louann i don't think you did anything wrong with those parents, either they had got to a different stage than you and needed to move forward or they were not ready to continue dialoguing and had to withdraw to heal some more. Sometimes we all need to step away for a while. This is a really good safe place we are fortunate to have found each other right? As for charlatans there will always be someone trying to make a quick buck scamming desperately sad people it is a sin. on the flip side a few people have found someone with a genuine gift that brings them comfort but it should only be used infrequently. We can talk to our kids anytime and they hear us because they are always with us.

dee and laurie that labyrinth is amazing wish I had one near me. It just goes to show that although grief is complicated, full of twists and turns, there is a purpose in sticking with it and finding your way out.

leah sending positive vibes your way.

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On 1/17/2005 at 0:13 PM, ajgrisel said:

Hello to all,

I am so grateful for the kind words and understanding I have received since writing my first post this last saturday. It has been almost 4 weeks since my son Ian died. I don't even want to write that word, died. How can it be real? Thank you to everyone and I am so glad to have found this place. To those of you who lost your beloved children and then donated thier organs I salute you for thinking of others in your time of darkest pain. One of the things I find most hard to bear about my son's passing is that his older brother waits on a transplant list for a new set of lungs ,and, had Ian died here instead of in an other state and with no ID, his lungs could have gone to his brother. Because of the circumstances noone was helped.

I have found that people don't know what to say to me. They either say nothing and act as if nothing has happened or they are so disstressed and feel so embarassed that I have to make them feel better. And I wonder if I was ever so careless with someone else's feelings.

Someone mentioned thier regret for my husband's lack of support, that wasn't me that wrote that. It was a posting from someone else, I can't remember the name of the person who did. My husband has been very supportive he took care of everything for me. All the funeral arrangements ect. I could not do it. I would not do it. My husband is Ian's stepfather and he too mourns his loss. He lost a daughter at birth 15 years ago. I cannot imagine that. I am so grateful to have had Ian for 18 years, to know him and to have so many good memories. I can hear his voice and see his smile and feel his goodness.

I told my mother the other day that now I feel as if I am a member of a seceret society. Seceret because you cannot tell by looking who else has been through this and seceret because the pain is so indescribable that only those who have expierenced it can even begin to understand what another is feeling who now walks this path. Here we are all one.

 

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cwt143 firstly I am sorry for the loss of your son, it is a lifelong sadness that here we all have. coming to this thread is a big step in the right direction. Some people just come and read posts because they feel unable to share their story as it is too raw, but just know that speaking out about it takes great courage and it ultimately helps. I understand you hating to write the words my son died. I felt the same way it is like learning a whole new language with horrible words like died, death, loss, funeral that are so hard to say or type. i sobbed like a baby many many times when typing those words and I did not join this forum until a year after my son died. i still cry when I post, sometimes over my personal loss and often over the tragic stories of others. It is ok to be vulnerable and emotional the worst thing in the world has happened to you. you are still in the early stages of grief and it takes a long time to process and understand your child will not be coming back, that is a heartache i would not wish on anyone. Also that your other child could have benefitted from lung donation is beyond cruel. I hope that that donation will come to him even though I know it means another family will be mourning their loss. My eldest son Tommy had just turned 24 when he was killed. He went out onto a ledge 14 stories up in an attempt to save his suicidal friend from jumping. he talked him down but when they were climbing back through the window it broke and they both fell. His friend was very badly injured bur survived and now has a good quality of life not too impaired physically although mentally it has had a very significant impact. My Tommy flatlined in the ambulance and despite the drs best efforts died from multiple blunt trauma soon after. I remember mourning the fact that he could not have been an organ donor because of the severity of his injuries because it would have made life a liitle easier knowing that part of my son lived on in others and he was an organ donor advocate. it was not meant to be and i had to come to terms with that among other things over time. Also that he died in Hawaii and we live in the UK so his body was delayed in being flown home because of police investigations etc and that none of us had seen him for 4 years because of the very expensive flights. You just have to take it all in a little at a time and just focus on getting through the days a few minutes at a time. It is too much to be able to process all at once too much information or not enough and your mind can only focus a little at a time before becoming completely overwhelmed. grieving takes a long time there are different stages to get through and steps back along the way. Just know he is still with you every day you just cant see him for now and that one day you will be reunited again.

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Hi. I can't remember everything that was asked. But I'll try. I am going to look for an attorney. They evidently didn't look closely at the video. A friend is going to watch it and let me know if I was seeing things or not seeing them. Another friend is going to ask his daughter, she is in another state but works for dci, about the video and what she thinks. He also knows a person that works for dci here. He's going to see if he will at least talk to me and possibly watch the video. A non-biased opinion. If my suspicions are true, the states attorney clearly dropped the ball. The only thing I can do is file wrongful death. I won't put myself and my son in financial debt. I have nothing to offer so it would have to be pro-bono. I will call all over the state until I find one. Even if it happens to be in the town where she passed. I've only told 2 family members I watched the video. One said nothing, my sister. The other asked why and then when I explained what I saw, she is on my side, that is the niece that has been behind me from the beginning. Though I feel she has been behind me because of her guilt of past not doings. But I'll take it for whatever reason. The video wasn't as hard as they made it sound like it would be. I think I distanced myself. I couldn't see her face. She was more like a mannequin laying there. Absolutely no movement. Heard her cry out. Next time I watch it, I'll have the volume off. There's so much I think I noticed from the video and pics comparison that my gut tells me something else went on. Perhaps she was already passed and this boy is a sociopath. I won't get into specifics just yet. I need to find out if it is just wishful thinking or actually true of what I saw. 

Tina

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CWT, I am so sorry that you have had to find yourself in this secret club...it is the hardest club to be a member of but we are here to show you that you can find your footing again, that it takes time and support and kindness. You must be kind to yourself. I remind folks to ask how your Child would want you treated??? Now treat yourself that way. My Girl was 19 when she died, a hard word I agree, and Erica died in 2003. It is 14. 5 years. I live with a good deal of joy but as you will hear from others, we will always have grief in our lives. We learn after a long time, how to knit the grief and missing into our lives so that no matter where we go, our Child and what she/he is to us is with us in each step. We make room in our hearts for our grief, it is sitting in a nest right next to the joy, they go hand in hand, the joy of that Child/Children, and the pain of setting them free. Hang onto us and know that there are no wrong ways to grieve unless you are doing some unhealthy things, then we all say, try very hard not to, those unhealthy habits make grief harder to deal with. There is no avoiding the pain of grief, the only way to find our way through it, is THROUGH IT! And we again, will never be all done with it, and that is okay. As far as those who kind of don't know how to handle our losses, I learned to let them realize that this is their deficiency, not mine, and that I am dealing with bigger things. Those who can stick near you and ask you questions, and use your Child's name are the ones you will find yourself appreciating. One thing you can do to make your friends/family understand what you need, explain that you need to hear your Child's name, and that if you cry, well who wouldn't, and that they did not make your cry, the ache of loss does, but to please not stop using the nameof our beloved Child because that is music. Our biggest fear is folks forgetting our Child, explain that to your friends so that they always feel comfy speaking about her and retelling stories. Those stories are oxygen for your new life as one who is grieving. I promise it will not always be like it feels now...but it will take time and energy to find your way. There is no hurry, just one step at a time. Rest, step, rest...talk to your Child, she hears you.

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My girl is in heaven

"There comes a point where it all becomes too much. When we get too tired to fight anymore. So we give up. Thats when the real work begins. To find hope where there seems to be absolutely none at all."

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CWT143------I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Ian.  As others have said....

this is a good site to come to and know that everyone understands, first hand, the 

heartbreak, pain and despair of losing a beloved child. Please come back and read

or post, as you feel that you want to.  Peace to you.

Dianne----I've heard from others that the kidney stones attack is so very painful.

I certainly hope that you are through with that, and that no further episodes will

come along.

Devianz---I agree. It's the little steps that we are able to take that make a difference.

Looking too far ahead, or expecting too much of ourselves is not possible.  Just

getting out of bed in the morning is a little step......getting freshened up.......making

coffee-----eating a bite of breakfast.  All might seem insignificant to some, but to the

grieving heart,  it is a step that we were able to take, and that gives us a glimmer of hope.

 

Susan----thanks for the Bob Marley song, and also the pic of Jeremy and John David....

one that you treasure.

 

LouAnn---thank you for the quote.....such beautiful words.

 

Tina----Sending thoughts & prayers .

 

Dee----Yes,  I've made soup.....it's getting to that stage of weather where the soup is

much appreciated.  thanks for your poem.....by Design.  Insightful & lovely words.

 

Lesley----Thank you for the screen shots.  they put into words what we are feeling.

WISHING    PEACE   AND  COMFORT   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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My girl is in heaven

Sherry. You r so right that it can be a real accomplishment for us to do things that the non-bearved take for granted. Also we develop a greater appreciation for little things too.i had a little bird sitting outside my patio door just looking in. He didnt fly away when i approached the glass. I could see its tiny legs but thought maybe it had a broken wing. It just sat there for the longest time looking in my patio door. Then a little brother or sister came along
Chirped and pecked at it and eventually he was gone. I know no big deal but that just kinda stirred something in me. Also i just pick lilly (kiras cat) up sometimes and just listen to her purr. She is a living reminder that i have of kira and i know i am going to miss her terribly some day. The last picture i have of kira is holding lilly and the picture on her phone was lilly with kiras sunglasses on
Just a kitty and a birdie, but thats ok it was enough for me.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

CWT143, I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I thought what you posted really spoke to my heart.

..."I told my mother the other day that now I feel as if I am a member of a seceret society. Seceret because you cannot tell by looking who else has been through this and seceret because the pain is so indescribable that only those who have expierenced it can even begin to understand what another is feeling who now walks this path. Here we are all one."

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Wishing everyone a restful night. I am still working two jobs and one job bumped up their work hours. 

We are still working through the court system trying to gain full placement of my grandson. We have a home study coming up soon. However, I am so fatigued lately. But I am taking vitamins and other supplements and doing health smoothies.

My daughter has decided to attend a local catholic church. One of her elderly co-workers who recently passed away belonged to it and he was a super nice person. So far, it has been good for her For me, I enjoy the artistry found in their churches and cathedrals. I feel a connection to Mother Mary and some of the artworks portrayed about her mourning. My first time there,  a full size Mary and Jesus Pieta was in the front of the sanctuary. Art can speak volumes where words fail. My previous faith was blown away.....in some ways it helps to see these artistic pieces and know that a mother's suffering is okay. 

My sister-in-law is facing losing her husband eventually to COPD. This has been a process of re-discovering her own identity.  One thing she mentioned to me is the practice of grounding or also known as earthing. I know about it because of my mom. There are different forms of it, but the basics is to make sure your bare feet touch the earth. Good to do on a warm sunny day. Here is a link to it for any interested.

https://draxe.com/earthing/

Sending gentle thoughts to all.

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louann seeing birds up close is another sign from your girl, how nice to see that. Also cuddling Kira's cat is soothing and another connection. We need to get small sparkles of joy and peace whenever we can.

laurie I shall try grounding and watch the link to know more. I have always loved being outside in bare feet feeling the grass or sand between my toes. how sad that your sister in law faces an uncertain future with her husband and his COPD it is an awful disease. I hope you are able to have your grandson it is important to keep families together especially after the distress of a bereavement, and is a strong link. It shows your daughter is finding her way by attending a church perhaps it will help her and that would be good. I too lost all my faith and don't think it will ever return i feel too let down and angry. I find faith in Nature.

sherry I am glad you like the screen shot quotes I spend time looking all over the web for them because they often say so clearly what I want to say but in a short clear form.

cwt143 I hope you find some answers and support here with us, everyone is so caring.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie....I watched a documentary on grounding on Amazon....walking around barefoot sends an unexplained feeling of being back in childhood...it is a good feeling.

My Grama took me to every church in our county when I was 12....(the reason is too long for me to explain here)....later...when I moved away from home and had to find another church home...I realized it was the people in the church...not the name of the religion on the church...that made the difference. Many will find as they get older...that the doctrines no longer have a fit....and many go on a journey to find a church home that can wrap around what they believe in. Let your daughter be set free with her quest...I so support her....right now....she has so many questions...and will know when she will get the answers she needs.

Many of the none denomination churches seem to suit my free wheeling belief now.

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You know Lou Ann... when Jeff died on December 12th. a mere few days until Christmas I felt much like you do. I could not envision ever enjoying anything again. I sat looking at the Dickens Village on the mantle piece and tree decorated and thought it simply was not possible...not at this time of year. Surely, time stands still for everyone to enjoy the season. Wrong! I knew right there and then I had to make a choice. I could turn myself away from all memory of happier times, or I could make changes that brought Jeff into the season again by honoring his memory. And don't forget I had another living son and a grandaughter that needed me. We headed out to a charity decorated tree auction and bought two trees. One that was a miniature with tiny beautiful angels decorating the tree and the other for ourselves. What could be more fitting to give to the paramedics at the local hospital that fought so hard to bring him back. We also have donated a live tree each year to the Healing Garden of the hospital that has now become known as Jeff's tree. He so loved the holidays. I know that at the beginning we are crippled and rendered helpless in our fog of pain. I also know that slowly as that fog lifts all of the treasures and memories that you once cherished will once become more valuable than any present under a tree. It will bring Kiera closer to your life and let you celebrate her life as it was when she was alive. Honor her memory. I know that the carols are really difficult to listen too! I turned off all music the first year. It hit a spot that was just to difficult to handle. So, I didn't ... and that's ok. I still have certain ones that bring a tear to my eye. Fact is they always did make me emotional... even before. The beauty of them and all. It is a great idea to donate to Salvation Army. Many go out and give to various charities. But please do listen to me when I say that those ornaments will give you comfort one day. I remember when Jeff and I decorated the tree with many of them. I treasure that memory and often talk to him as I go about the task. It takes a lot of effort and it doesn't become suddenly easier all at once. It takes a great deal of patience and time. Maybe one day you will have grandchildren that can help you decorate that tree and you can share all about her as they place those ornaments on that tree. It helps to keep her memory alive.

Sending love to ALL, Kate

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Kate...good to hear from you...I was going to ask about you in my next posting.....I so love what you wrote/posted.....for now....each old...dear ornament...seems to be somewhat sacred...and I can remember the year some were bought...given...exchanged...and the ones the children made...well...those are priceless. I have ones from my parents/Grandparents. I even have some of theirs.

My adult children and GRANDchildren love my tree....they can see ornaments their parent made...and feel so special when they see the ones they made. It is more a sentimental tree than a Christmas tree. The strange thing is....I decorate for the Candlelight dinner...and decorate other trees that are quite elaborate.....for other people/friends....but I still keep my 'family tree'.

How is Ross ?

Here is a photo of Tay and Veto....he is getting a lot of hair...and it is dark....I named this photo...'Together in Bluejeans'...one of my favorite songs....

ScreenShot1417.jpg

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Susan, I can not believe how much he has grown. They are positively glowing and he is obviously thriving with the love and attention. A real cuddle bunny! I agree about the Xmas tree. We always put the homemade ornaments by the boys at school on the lower branches of the tree. When the little ones come to visit they always go straight to the tree to gaze at the decorations. It warms my heart.

Lou Ann, I guess we all go about getting through the special events in our own way. As for me...I am going at it full tilt. I don't want to miss out on one minute of life. My sons spirit shines through as Ross and I try to continue on as positively as we can.  We have the hockey game on right now. The game is tied right now. We had a real taste of winter today. Quite the wind blowing off of the lake. 

Sending love to everyone tonight. Kate

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Susan, I am thrilled to see such a beautiful photo of Veto and Taylor. As said by others, they are both glowingly happy. Lovely.

Christmas? I fall somewhere between Susan, Katie, and Louanne. I love the season, I spend a lot of it getting things together with my students for a family we adopt. So that is very wonderful because we raise money from the families of my students, and then my students take turns shopping online for gifts for the family we adopt. I also have the benefit of shopping for my Son and Daughter-in-law, and their two Kids. My Grandies provide such amazement in my life. I have only put up a tree once since Erica died, just once in 14 years. It is very emotional for me, and maybe when the kids are older I will again put up a tree., though they have their tree at home. We put out some decorations, but something about the tree just undoes me...putting the ornaments away is like putting Erica away again, and I just can't seem to do that. I have never liked decorations put up more than a week prior to the holiday, even when Erica was here, so we only keep decorations out for about a week and a half. I will eventually donate our lights and ornaments but just keep those most special ones from my Kids' lives. Eventually those will go to my Grandkids. My kids and I always adopted a family and they helped me shop for them each year, then as they got older, we shopped for kids who are in foster care at a local orphanage: mostly abused kiddos and those with parents who have no ability to take care of their kids. Erica and I ran from store to store one year, looking for brown-skinned dolls, of which there were not many back then. We did it though, new dolls for 6 kids and pajamas and slippers for each. It has always been what drives our holidays. Once I became a teacher, I started making sure that my students adopt a family with me. We raise kids to understand both sides of outreach; being able to understand that tehre are folks who will help you if ever you need it, and the side of being able to help others when possible. To me, this is what makes the magic of the holiday season.

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Christmas is a tough time that is for sure very emotional. The first year we did get the tree up and put lights on but could not decorate it with all our family ornaments which is a major family tradition. the kids insisted on putting up decorations in the house but I just felt empty and I am a massive Xmas fan. I vowed that this year will be different I am not going to stop my kids from enjoying our Xmas and all our traditions because Tommy died it just is not fair on them. I dont want that festive time to be ruined forever for them. We will do all the usual stuff making cookies, playing festive music, games, decorating etc because it is a happy family time. This year is my year to have the kids (divorce agreement) and I want them to have a good time. We will toast Tommy and there will definitely be tears. I buy them all an ornament that they keep to put on their own trees in their homes, and one for Tommy too. I visit the churchyard at Xmas and spend some time with him. Don't get me wrong carols make me cry I feel his loss even more acutely because there is one of my kids missing and it will never be the same. Having 4 stockings hanging up tears my soul and shopping for only 3. I have to fake it through for my children they have been through enough and Tommy would want to see us happy and together as a family. I also donate the money I would have spent on his presents to a local charity, and buy some food for the local food pantry. The first Xmas is the worst definitely. Sometimes changing up traditions or getting new decorations helps because you are trying to create something different our lives are forever different. i also realise that we spent 4 years apart from Tommy because we lived in different countries so probably I have adapted more quickly to the festive season without him. For me the biggest trauma is the loss of hope. Each Xmas he was not there I had hope that the next year he would be with us and hopefully a few more over the years despite the distance. That hope is gone he will never be there and it truly breaks my heart, brings the finality back in searing clarity and pain. However I know that taking steps to move forward is the right thing to do for my kids. They lost their brother, they very nearly lost their Mum as well and it does not feel right to stop their happiness because i am still mourning. Dont get me wrong I am not judging or criticising anyone on how they choose to deal with the festive season. We are all different individuals and at different stages and what is important is to do what feels right for you and your family, and that may change or not each year as you move forward in your journey.

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Dee, what a beautiful way to celebrate the holidays with your kids. You are experiencing the true meaning of Christmas by sharing the joy of selfless giving. I do understand about the tree. I know many that have not lost a child that no longer put up a Christmas tree but only their decorations around their home. They feel it has become too much work.

Lesley, I am so on board with your way of handling the season. I do know how tough those first couple of years can be. I also know that our other kids need to be able to celebrate the season as it was meant to be. Good for you in keeping up with your traditions. Changing things up a bit also can be a huge help. The carols have always been the one really difficult challenge for me to face. 

LouAnn, I agree that the stores being as materialistic as they are push each and every occasion far to soon. When I was  kid the stores did not put out holiday things until December. And what is with selling eggnog in October? Scandalous. :rolleyes: At any rate we get through it as best as we can in our own way. 

 

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Mermaid Tears

When I was 24, my younger brother Will, my only sibling, died from drugs and alcohol.

After two decades of bellowing, “I’m telling Mom,” at each other, Will and I had finally settled into the beginning of what I assumed would be our adult relationship. We still annoyed each other and were keen to each others’ faults, but we were also friends who shared the same taste in movies and music, who enjoyed the same dark and smutty humor. We spoke in shorthand that can only be spoken with someone who knew what it was like to grow up in our particular family, with our particular parents, godparents, and grandparents.

The person I’d shared my childhood with was gone. The person I’d assumed I’d have another 50 or 60 years with was yanked from the planet. My brother’s death was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, the moment that would ever bisect my life into before and after.

And yet, I often felt as if my loss was invisible.

In those raw, early days of grief, I searched for books about losing a sibling. But I found only a handful of children’s books that explored the topic; nothing for someone like me, a young adult grieving the death of a brother or sister. There were more books on losing a pet than a sibling.

And then there was the immensity of my parents’ loss.

 

The death of a child is widely acknowledged as the worst thing. To have to plan a funeral for the person you bathed and fed and cradled shatters the natural order. My parents’ loss was unfathomable, and would last a lifetime. A parent myself now, it’s the thing I wish against every night: Just let them outlive me, I whisper into the air around their sleep-slackened faces each night—my fiercest prayer.

My grief seemed to pool in the shadow of my parents’ loss. People urged me, “Be strong for your parents.” Some even asked me to pass their condolences on to my mom and dad, ignoring the fact that I’d lost someone, too.

Grieving siblings are sometimes referred to by mental health professionals as forgotten or invisible mourners, which complicates the loss further. There was the terrible pain of my brother’s absence, of our erased, entwined future. And then there was the sense—because of peoples’ concern for my parents, and because of the lack of resources available—that maybe I didn’t have a right to feel so broken. That losing a brother wasn’t really that bad.

But it was that bad. Part of me knew it then, as every cell in my body felt pained.

Now, watching my children, I feel even more aware of what I lost.

Every day, there are hugs and spats. There are tender, cuddly moments and there are times when they bicker over absurd things, like who gets to play with the broken microphone that’s been sitting on the shelf for three years, ignored and left behind, and now, suddenly, feverishly, coveted by both.

By sharing so much time and space together, by sharing genetics and, occasionally, toys, they are deeply woven into one another. They are twinned and twined.

I read once that our bodies absorb the minerals native to the earth of our hometowns. We soak them up from the water and soil of the geographies we inhabit. Even if we move far away, our bodies remember, our cells still saturated with home.

In the same way, our brothers and sisters mark us, morph us. They alter and shape who we were, who we are, and who we will be.

My brother, gone almost two decades now—almost as long as he was here—will always be with me, just as his absence continues, the loss softer but still palpable, coursing through my cells, invisible and essential as blood. I carry him with me the same way I carry the contour of the mountain peaks of Alaska, the shining water, the rich rain forest soil. Losing my brother changed me forever, but so did loving him.

Each week, I get messages from people who’ve lost a brother or sister. They tell me they feel crushed, adrift, unseen. That they don’t know how to be there for their parents, that they don’t know how to move forward in a life they thought they’d have with their sister or brother. That it’s been weeks or years since their sibling died. They tell me, sometimes, that they feel unseen, shadowed, in their grief.

I see you, I write back. I watch my children. I run my fingers along my wounds, along the places where my brother was and still remains. I see you.

~

Author: Lynn Shattuck
Images: Annie Spratt/Unsplash
Editor: Catherine Monkman
Copy Editor: Travis May

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Mermaid Tears

in the above posting is an article about sibling grief...when she lost her brother she could find more books about losing a pet than losing a sibling....I found it very informative and emotional.

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Fabulous article, they say that siblings are the key to one's life, the witness to each others lives. When I read that phrase after Erica died, knowing that Jonathan lost the witness to each other's lives, I wept for all he lost. A different loss, but no less of a loss than mine. Siblings often know each other longer than they will know anyone else. Susan, did you lose your Bro? Or was this the woman from the article?

 

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Mermaid Tears

Dee...that was written by Lynn Shattuck...no...I did not lose my brother. Yes....I, too, am aware of the broken circle of my adult children...

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Mermaid Tears

Sending a Big Thank you to all that have complimented my GRANDdaughter..and GREAT GRANDson.....he is now teething...slightly irritable...and sour tummy at times....as of today....Mama has not decided what he will be on Halloween.....

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Mermaid Tears

Dianne.....please take some deep breaths...walk around outside....go and buy yourself some flowers....(I get mine from HEB...)..not costly at all..... get your hands busy...create something for that beautiful blonde baby girl.....(the other day I bought a book..for Veto...one of those baby books)....and I printed photos of family and then glued them to pages in the book...I do that for all my grandchildren...they love to see themselves and family in the books/story. There is so much anxiety leading up to those 'marker days'...I so understand....we will walk beside you....even walk in your shoes....with you.

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Dianne, sometimes I forget how new to this road you are, somehow feeling a much longer kinship to you, with you. I think that sending that fabulous article that Susan posted, is a great way of your signaling to your Girl that you get it. I know with the miles between you and her reluctance to go to that grieving mind set place with you, must make it so very hard. I have found that kids/siblings, have to grieve differently depending not only on the age of their loss, but what other factors are happening in their lives...children of their own, moving, marriages, so many factors that they have to adhere to before they can truly grieve...and sometimes, they simply fight it tooth and nail until they are older and can face it with a more able spirit and heart. Each so different.

I am going to leave in a few minutes to take my Grandgirl to her first skate lesson, (ice). I hope she loves it as her Auntie Erica did, but either way, she will hear that magical sound of blade on ice, that stroke of magic to me. I sakted outdoors all my childhood and into my adulthood years. I have always found that sound of my blades on ice a song.

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dianne we all know how it is not just that day, the anxiety and emotions build up before then, take heart we are all here for you. With all the  holiday and festive stuff in the stores that also sparks off sadness, firstly Halloween then Thanksgiving and then Xmas and New Year they all come quite close together and trigger all of us. I am glad you emailed your daughter with the article, everyone needs all the support they can get.

mermaidtears great article. Sibling loss must be very hard especially for the under 18's as they are used to living with and seeing their sib every day. Sibs collude together, argue, love, get each other in trouble, support each other and so much more, it is a huge loss. Then they see their parents struggling and everything is changed and not for the better. Younger children may blame themselves, and older kids may feel regret that they did not spend enough time with the spirit child. It is overwhelming for everyone. I am really close with my brother and two sisters for which I am very grateful. We bounce problems off each other, plan family gifts together and chat often. One of my sisters lives down the road and we keep a close eye on our aging parents together. 

On 10/27/2017 at 6:24 PM, ericasmom said:

"siblings are the key to one's life, the witness to each others lives."  such an accurate quote, thank you.

 

dee I hope your grand baby enjoys ice skating it is a lovely hobby ,very social and the feeling of gliding over the ice (when you can skate!!) is so freeing. It is also lovely to watch esp figure skating and ice hockey.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee...ice skating is rare around South Texas...but Houston..Sugar Land, San Antonio, Dallas....many other big cities have indoor ice skating rinks....making it possible for many to enjoy that graceful sport. I hope she takes to it....it should be imprinted on her DNA. I love to watch it....I did roller skate a lot when I was young...do you still ice skate ? I don't think I would try roller skating at 70 !!!

What many siblings that has lost a brother or sister come to find is that not only did they lose them....but lost their parents as well. They have no coping skills to know how to help their parent/parents....they are as deep in grief...and they feel hopeless and helpless in trying to give any comfort to their parents. As hard as it may be....that is why parents need to step up and be 'the parent'....as one has said.."someone has to be the hero in the room"....I remember that first Christmas season ...I mentioned that I didn't think I would put up a Christmas tree that year....and my daughter, Randa, spoke up and said.."but Mom...I didn't die"...and that really touched me. Later...my son, Jesse said..."we all knew if Mom could make it...so could we".  I was so deep in my grief...and it was so dark and heavy....but...I did accomplish all the family traditions that first Christmas....for the grandchildren, also. To tell the truth....with the person John David was/is....and how he loved family and holidays....he would be the first to tell me I was wrong for not carrying on.

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WEll she liked it, even with all the falls of the first lesson, all the kids kept falling so she was not alone in this...She learned how to get up the best and safest way, and by the end of the half hour, she was skating a couple yards on her own, shaky but good. I imagine some bruises tonight. I thought that she would say she didn't like it cause she fell a lot, but instead she said, " grammy, next week let's bring my snowpants." What a bright idea! Her parents dropped her off and did not think about snowpants. We live and learn. When my girl, my Erica, first skated, she said, " don't hold my hand." ( we went to free skate time to see if the kids could skate and learn without lessons). Jonathan was 4.5 and Erica was only 2. She took off, she took off as though she was born to ice. She never fell, she just skated and skated around that rink. We skate indoors around here because most of the outdoor rinks melt out over and again, due to global warming winters. We used to sustain cold enough temps to keep the rinks going all winter. No more.

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Louanne, Little Erica came to us the day after my Daughter's birthday, two weeks early, in fact my Son and his lovely wife were at dinner with us the night of my Daughter's birthday, a tradition, and they went into labor a half hour after leaving our home. So I do feel that my Big Erica had some angel magic goings- on, on  her birthday to help her niece into the world. Erica died in 2003 and little One was born in 2013, so I had many years to process the death of my Daughter prior to having our Grandgirl, and 17 months  later, our Grandboy. Being a grandparent is  very special...no words could adequately describe the wonderment of it all. Some of that wonder is seeing my Son, seeing our Child grow into a Parent, and watching as they come to realize how much you have always loved THEM. That wonderful moment when the circle connects.

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Lou Ann, I think you should do what you feel most comfortable in doing. I'm sure the thrift shop was very pleased to receive your donation. This time of year you can be sure that it will be most appreciated. Thanks for asking after Ross. He is doing as always. Business as usual. Nothing seems to keep him down. Yesterday we headed outside to take advantage of the day and  finished putting up our Xmas lights. Because we live in the country the nights get so dark now and the smaller fruit trees all lit up send a sense of warmth and cheer to see. I do not like anything overdecorated, but I always enjoy dressing up the place for a special occasion. I started a collection some years back of Dickens Village pieces. I bought them from a year round Xmas store called Humbugs. I only wanted enough to cover the mantlepiece . I bought all of the little figures and trees, etc. The buildings light up. It really is so pretty along with the lit garland around the edge. I, too, have decided to give them to my grandaughters... as they love to see the magic of it all and I hope it will invoke happy memories of their childhood when they grow up.

Dee, it warmed my heart to read your post of your little sweetie enjoying her first skate. I could picture the little cutie shuffling along hesitantly at first and then building more confidence as she started to get the hang of it. Terrific memories to hold close. Just wait until you take her tobogganing! 

Dianne, I know this time is difficult for you. I think of you and many others on the site daily. It is difficult for a sibling to accept the loss of their family member. My older son still has not been to Jeff's bench. He tells me that there is not a day that goes by that he does not think of him. He simply is a very quiet person and keeps his feelings locked inside. I get it but sometimes worry that he would like to share but just can't.

Susan, thanks for posting that. What a perfect description from a hurting heart. Again, I have to say that those kiddos of yours are precious. Just wait another year or so and he will be so excited about the holiday season.  How do you feel about having Thanksgiving so close to Christmas? I understand that it sort of just runs into one another as they are so close together. It must be hard on those that have to do all of the planning and work.

Sending love to ALL for a peaceful and restful Sunday.

Kate 

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Louanne, I think keeping or donating is perfectly fine...we are changed, we find new ways to carve a path to living as good as we can...if keeping a santa is what you'd like, then by all means. I have scaled way down as well. It is what felt best for me.

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