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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Jaesmom17..  my heart breaks for you, I can't imagine the pain you feel.  Losing a child is the hardest thing in the world to endure.  I wish there were magic words to be said, but I haven't found them.  Time is the only thing that makes this bearable and at times we still feel the hurt as if it is new.  This site is definitely a God send.   I send you my deepest prayers and hopes that you continue to grow stronger.   I know at times you won't feel that way, please lean on us, we will do our best to support you by listening to you..  anything at all you feel, you want to say.. you want to scream or cry...  or just read.  So many parents here that have lost their angel, all different ages but have that one grief in common and all at different lengths of time.  So many times I came on just scream..  I felt so alone, but there are wonderful people here..  we will do our best to hold you up.. it is a hard road but your not alone.  Please take care of yourself..   

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Amariya is gorgeous, she will always be gorgeous, she will always be the richness in your heart. May she let you know that our Angels have gathered round her to take care of her. Many of our Kids were nurturers on Earth, so we know that she is in good company.

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angelica what a gorgeous little baby oh my you must miss her so much. You are still a mom even though she has gone before you, a mothers love is counted by the number of her children not the number still on earth. I always tell people I have 4 children even though my Tommy is in a different world. As we have all found each other here on this site I think that all our children are connected to each other too just waiting for their moms and dads to join them. We meet people for a reason they come into our lives for a specific time when they are needed, some stay and some go but not until they have accomplished what they had to do. Each one of us sharing our stories helps others and forms connections when they are ready to post it is quite remarkable. By Nature all good parents are nurturers, here we offer nurture to each other and especially to the newly bereaved who have no sense of where to go or what to do and feel lost afraid and isolated.

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dee I forgot to say i loved your poems.

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Thanks Lesley. From the heart that is for sure. I don't remember what I wrote prior to losing Eri, but since? Well poetry like that and short stories from grief.

Peace All

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Mermaid Tears

Jaesmom17....we have all been placed on this grief journey....I am on my 5th year....we lost our son, John David, in 2012....he was 42.

Still.....we all have a heart that breaks another piece off when we hear of another parent losing a child. She is gorgeous.....and we know how very hard and dark life can be and grief is so exhausting and heavy. You honor yourself and your girl...and grieve deeply....just bend into it. This is a time to mourn and weep. There is no right or wrong way....just take it one day at a time.....some days....you will feel as if you can make it hour to hour. That is ok, too. Please be very kind and gentle with yourself and 'self care'....drink lots of fluids and try to walk around outside for a few minutes each day. Please let us know how you are doing.

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TearsInHeaven

Angelica, I am so sorry for the loss of little Amariya. She is so beautiful with those big brown eyes.  I know she is a beautiful angel.  You have come to a good place with many kind and compassionate people here. With everything that happened so fast, please take  care of yourself. Your heart, mind and body all need to heal. This grief journey is difficult but we will be here to hold your hand.

 

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Dianne, the rain was relentless...our yard still has a small pond and the pump was on for 35 hours. We had some water in the basement but not a ton due to the yard pump. Goodness. Now don't get mad, but I would love a giant snowfall this winter, in fact two or three really big ones.

Thanks Dianne, the poems in a book? Maybe one day when I have time to actually look at them and organize them and shop it around, what a nice compliment, thanks.

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Dee..  I forgot to tell you also that I enjoyed your poems... they take me to a place in my heart.

Not feeling to upbeat about getting my granddaughter.  I am so afraid I will let her down.  I have been contacted by Social Services and told I don't have enough income.  I contacted my sister in law (who I pay rent to) and asked if she would let me not pay rent during the time I might have my grandchildren.  Happily she said yes, so now I will bring this news to the table.  I might not be able to afford everything my grandkids would like, but I can give them the best love that anybody can.  That should account for something.  I would also not be to proud to apply for assistance...   I want so much to get that little girl with me.  I fear I want it to much.. and they will refuse me.  I know I have people around me that will do whatever it takes to keep going.. they already do for me...   and I know they love this little girl.. as I said, we have had her here for so very long.   I appreciate being able to state my fears here.. thanks for listening.

All in all things are fine here...   the weather has been great.. a little windy but oh well.

I hope everybody is doing well..  thoughts of you and your families along with your angels are always on my mind and in my heart

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Mermaid Tears

Leah....the news that your sister-in-law will release you from paying rent should be a great positive. I hope CPS/Social services can be contacted real soon to let that be a factor in your overall income. How many times money is seen as the all important reason for being a loving parent/grandparent. I do understand that they have certain rules/regulations to go by. I do understand. But....there should be certain circumstances/situations where a loved one...who really wants the child/children ...should have a platform to put all the facts out in the open. You have an amazing circle of love, support and compassion around you. Here, also. Please keep us informed. We are cheering you on.

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mermaidtears I echo your thoughts that a loving family is best for children even if money is in short supply. Love attention and nurture are worth far far more than dollars in a bank account. being on disability i am as poor as a church mouse and have to be very frugal but do OK, and my ex husband is worth over a million with a huge 5 bed house and a massive retirement fund but I know where my kids prefer to go!

Leah keep us in the know we are keen to see a resolution as you are. Is it just your grand daughter you are asking for? Maybe I am mistaken I thought there was a little boy too? My memory plays tricks on me sometimes so I may have that wrong. Hopefully the social services will help you get any public funding you could be entitled to to help you in your fight.

dee yes a book! What a positive that would be using your knowledge of grief to write for others to be inspired by. something to consider for a rainy day .... oh yes you already have had some of those! It is dull, misty and clouded over here and has been for a few days but quite mild temperatures. I have even seen a few very late butterflies which is unheard of in oct.

I miss some of our friends who have not been active recently and hope they come back. Sometimes you fall into a big hole and can't see the way out for a while no matter how long ago the loss was. Just know you are all thought about and that we are here when you are ready.

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Angelica----I am so sorry for your loss of your sweet little baby girl. 

Losing a child is life's greatest sorrow. Thank you for the pic of your

sweet beautiful angel.

 

Dianne---Yikes.....so sorry that you had to have surgery for kidney

stones. No fun!!!:(......I know. I had that several yrs. ago, but had only

one stone as I remember.  Please take it easy & recuperate soon.

 

Kate-----I , so, understand your love/hate relationship with fall weather.

While I like fall.....the trees, leaves, intense blue sky with loads of clouds,

and all that nature has to offer, .....but I also have some melancholy each

fall.  However, fall is great to enjoy while it lasts.

 

Dee-----We had frost last night....I think it got down well below 30 degrees.

I brought in plants to winter in the sunroom. Glad that Michael is coming

along with his cast.  Talking about goofy families......our family always

has someone who is not speaking to others.....even on a rotating basis.:angry: 

 At my mom's funeral,  my one sister was short-tempered, crying (not out

of sadness, but for her dog).....and looking for arguments. She is like a

bee in a bonnet.....a real pain. She got angry enough to pick on her daughter,

my dear neice, and they ended up taking different flights home!  So, I guess

that most all families have a certain amount of dysfunction, don't they?

 

Sandy-----I'm sorry for your loss of your dear brother.  Peace & prayers.

 

Georgina----Hope that you are coming along with your recuperation. Take

care, and hope your're feeling better soon.

 

Leah-----continuing to send up prayers that Sena will be home with you real soon.

 

PEACE     TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry  

 

  

 

 

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Why can't I believe she is gone?  My beautiful baby girl   I'm so tired. I just want to sleep my days and nights away. Throwing myself into crafts and work was probably not the best thing to do

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Tinay,

We waffle from denial to exhaustion to deep deep sorrow so much during the year/s following our child's passing. The denial is really common because it is our brains natural defense against the pain of grief. It's normal, and your reaction of throwing yourself into crafts and work is also really normal especially in the first year. I know that it doesn't make it easier, but please know you are not alone. It's good that you are coming here and sharing it with us, and that is better than swallowing it all down and never dealing with it for sure.

It is hard to get out of bed still for me most days, but I am trying to do better a little bit at a time. I lost a lot of weight after Nathan was murdered because I found it hard to eat at first, and then just would forget to eat because I was preoccupied with different thoughts. So I am building on that slowly. Started with a walk for 5 minutes and each day tried to walk at least 5 minutes, finding it easier and easier to stretch it to 10 minutes, and then I was doing 15 and now I am doing 1/2 runs (2 minute walk 2 minute run) for about 30 minutes a day. I did the same thing with the elliptical, and with the gym. Slow mini habits at first, just as much as I could tolerate and started finding that I enjoyed it more and more.  For me, walking/running put me in my own head space, away from the house filled with memories, away from work, away from my relationships and gives me time to work through my day in my head away from others.  It's been really helpful for me.  I was 286 lbs when Nathan died, today I weigh 203 and I'm slowly and safely going down. I feel like I have more energy now to spend on taking care of my other son, for work and for my art.

It could be anything, something you used to enjoy even if they were things you liked to do with Kiona. Just dip your toe in first and then go slow, checking yourself and giving yourself a break. I tried playing guitar (which Nathan did often) and I found it too painful so I stopped. Perhaps I'll try again when I am more prepared, but if I never do then it's okay. But he also loved the beach and we live about a mile from it, so I often spend time at the beach looking out over the water, and that's helpful. I think as parents, we have certain expectations of ourselves that are often too hard to attain or too far to reach. We are human, and only build to handle certain things. We often push ourselves past the breaking point when we don't have the energy, and we should really learn to listen to our body more. If you need to sleep, then you should sleep. But if you are sleeping because of the grief and depression then you should listen and maybe try little things to make your sleep better or your waking up better. For me, I find the smell of coffee to be really enticing and wonderful first thing in the morning.  So I started a habit of cleaning the pot and setting it up the night before so that at 5:00 am, the coffee starts brewing and I can smell it from upstairs. Find little bits that make you happy and make a habit of doing them as often as you can. It might help you as it did me.

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Tina, the pain of the months passing that first year, and then again but in a different way the second and third...years...is indescribable. YOu do what you must  to get through it as long as it isn't dertrimental to your health...drinking and drugs are a go-to for many who have this kind of loss, it eases a bit of the rawness of pain for  some, but it will not help in the long run, in fact, it could easily make it worse. If you take doctor prescribed meds, that is different, some of those can help cope with the anxiety that is inherent with losing a child. You can't believe it but there you are, facing the loss of your lovely Girl. You actually are facing it, even if it feels like you can't...coming here tells me that you are facing grief head-on, and working and doing art work, and crafts is one way to keep your hands and head busy while your heart is in ruins. The sun will shine again, but not for now. I promise though, it will later on this road.

Prayers to CANADA for the loss of the Beloved Gordie Howe from the band Tragically HIP. Oh my how I love that man, he braved his cancer diagnosis and put on a huge tour to say goodbye to his beloved country. He made an album and put graphics to it to outline his hope for a change to the lives of Canadian aboriginal children. What a wonderful man whose spirit shone brightly in his music and in his quiet love of life.

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Mermaid Tears

Tinay....all the care and words shared are our way of letting you know....you are not alone...and we have walked in your shoes.

Ever since the beginning of civilization..children have died....parents have lost children. BUT....when it happens to you....you feel as if YOU are the only parent in the world that has lost a child. I believe it is because it is 'that kind of grief' that no one...not a book...nor a movie or manual can prepare you for this kind of grief. I also believe that we are so wired in our DNA to nourish and protect our child....we hit a black brick wall.....that we could not save our child. Your 'shock suit' is fitting very tight now....our view of the world and all the 2 plus 2 = 4....all the rational thinking....all the balance....is a compete mess.....your heart is shattered and so is your emotional and physical body and soul. It will take you taking it all in...one day at a time.....some days...it is an hour to hour. There is no right or wrong way to grieve....your grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique. We have found there are some 'small' ways in which to survive....you will find that Mother Nature and Father Time shall be your best physicians. Please try and walk around outside some each day. There is a lot of healing from the sky and the grass under your feet. Grief is so exhausting....and sleep is healing. I had little to no appetite...so I would cut up fruit in bite size pieces and eat it during the day. I had horrific insomnia. I finally put a treadmill in my guest bedroom....knowing that walking would help ease the inner anxiety and stress....I walk outside, too.

I think your creativity is a blessing to you. Please do not stop. That was your intuition telling you to use your gifts. You will survive....as we have. We are here to hear you.

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Mermaid Tears

 

Typically those who suffer from a mental illness such as depression, therapy or pills are the answer to appeasement.

However, in this article over at BestPlants.com they look at a rather unusual remedy to help cure depression.

The unusual can be found in an area as simple as your garden!

Scientist have learned that by inhaling the soil or simply by spending some quality time in your garden, a specific soil bacterium, Mycobacterium vaccae, may be able to alleviate depression.

It’s possible just rooting around in your garden could help put you in a jolly state of mind and lift your mood.

That sure sounds uplifting and a reason to get outside and in the dirt! More details at:

Dirt – The New Prozac!

e weeds...

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I for one believe in DIRT as a huge soul/spirit boost, or sometimes, just being in the presence of plants growing, their energy and the aroma of chlorophyll and dirt...I like to viist our local conservatory for a much needed boost on low days.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....I have wanted to share this song with you....it is one of your favorites....

when Hurricane Harvey was blowing devastation all over South Texas....the news was on 24/7...it was mesmerizing to watch....I went to bed...and I could not go to sleep so I got up and watched the ongoing news of severe flooding and all the boat rescues going on all over....it was very late....but I was so filled with anxiety and stress and heartbreak I could not become sleepy....it seemed in all the scenes there was ALWAYS....some big guy with 'that certain' kind of T-shirt....with that certain 'kind of baseball hat'....giving help..rescuing families from their flooded homes and it dawned on me....that John David would have been right there....tears came when I felt so grateful that there were so many men just like him...out in the night....water up to their chest....doing what needed to be done. I turned off the channel and turned on Pandora...thinking music would help me calm down and dull the anxiety....and I put it on my Enya station....and 'Three Little Birds' came on.....I think John David sent it to me to remind me 'that all is ok'....I thought of you....and the weeks...that turned into months...and now years....that we have shared our friendship that came to be when I was in the war zone of my grief. You and many others held my hand...each of you honored my deep and dark grief....and allowed me to grieve as I needed....I do believe I have a healthy kind of grief now because many of you were 'simply there'....letting me know I could survive.

Later....and the family DID not let me know.....but Hunter and his friends from A&M and his fraternity got a boat...(one of the friend's got his Dad's boat)...they went to Houston and helped with boat/water rescues......they only let me know when the boys were safe and sound back in College Station.....Hunter is like a clone of John David....I was not surprised at the fact that Hunter wanted to be where he could be of help. Passing it on.

I cannot hug John David....but I can love him...and every precious and sacred memory....

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dee and mermaidtears you know gardening is a big therapy for me. I believe that the soil can help to heal. for me I think a big part of it is bringing a beautiful life into the world one plant at a time. Also seeing for my self how Nature has adopted my garden knowing I am helping to support bees butterflies birds insectstoads frogs and hedgehogs. We bereaved parents need to somehow find something that is important to them, something that brightens your life for a short while. Grieving is so tiring it wreaks havoc on your mind and body as well as your spirit. Yanking out weeds and pulling smothering ivy off a wall help my anger and injustice at being forced into this new existence. I am still angry because lives full of potential and goodness have been torn away from us suddenly and we are faced with having to deal with a broken family. As a Mum I feel that wound deeply because I grew my son within me feeling him move and respond before birth, knowing my body was solely responsible for keeping him healthy and alive. Then breastfeeding him nourishing him from my body. It is no wonder we are so attached to our children they literally a part of us. Then teaching them nurturing and loving them throughout their childhood and beyond, attending sports, encouraging their talents teaching them morals and kindness to others and then setting them free into an adult world to learn independence. Having each one leaving home for university was a big adjustment but still each one flourished. Tommy was the hardest of my kids to parent due to his ADHD and Bipolar and eventual descent into drugs and heavy drinking. Yet I loved him as much as the other 3 even though his behaviour and life style was at times  scary and unacceptable. Practising tough love is truly difficult but I knew i could not save him he had to learn to save himself. I had to explain to his siblings who were hurt by his behaviour and frustrated by his trouble with the police that he was essentially still a good person still their brother but he could not control his addiction and that he still needed our love and support and understanding. And he finally did quit after several attempts over the years and was being happy in his sobriety, successful planning to go to college and being a drug and alcohol adviser, Success yet in a few moments it was all wiped out his new life snuffed out saving another life. Why? Why? The words we have all screamed out in pain and anger. I guess we will not know why not in this lifetime. Still we have banded here together to try and save each other from grief's cruel hold trying to find life again and find a purpose. There have been a couple of new members who are tentatively dipping their toe in being part of our community, some who have lost their kid to overdose addiction or suicide in particular that have sparked me to say, there is no shame in having a kid who was not the perfect kid and to understand you all did your best to help them. They died anyway but so did others who were straight A's and had no problems. death has no preference it strikes unexpectedly without warning. all we can do is love the family members and friends that we have for as long as we have them. Not everyone gets to grow old gracefully and yes it is so unfair and unjust and plain bloody wrong. So try and find something positive to focus on so that we can learn from this. Know that each one of you has the power to change someone else's mind with their words, you are all important. Wow I did not realise I have been harboring this anger still, sorry for ranting tonight. better out than in I say!

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Susan, thank you for the song and the picture of Bob's beautific smile...that is the song that Eri's friends sang at her funeral, those are the words on her funeral card...thank you and yes, that Hunter Boy did what his Uncle would have done, and his Lovely Uncle helped row those boats to safe places because that is who he will always be...and lucky for the rest of the family, that is who they are reminded of, that is who influences them still adn always to do their very best to be good humans. Amen John David, Amen. It is my pleasure and honor to hold your hand and to be held by you.

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My girl is in heaven

Lesley. Your right better out than in  and you are not ranting.   .i think I have put the guilt and anger away then sometimes it rears its ugly head and boom there it is again, ready to start nibbling away at your heart and soul again.  I'm glad u could let it out and hopefully it won't hold as much power over you .  I know your feeling of the unfairness of it all. Your Tommy had worked so hard to set himself on the straight and narrow and his selfless act of heroism took that all away. Just like my Kira with a god given talent to nurture and care about people and I think of all the lives she would have impacted.  Babies just starting to spread their wings and find their way in this world. I don't ask why anymore because if god himself came and sat right on my couch with me and told me why I would still not understand or be ok with it.  I believe we were all meant to find each other here to travel this journey together. Thanks for sharing. Hope that hurricane is not anywhere near you.  

Susan what a sweet thought to know your boy would have been there helping people. U r so right we cannot hug them but nothing will stop us from still loving them. Is there still a lot of clean up to be done in Texas ? Tv doesn't show it anymore I guess with all the other disasters this year. 

Dee.  Thanks for your prayers for Canada.  Actually Gordie Howe is a famous hockey player but it was Gord Downie from the tragically hip who died. But they are. both Canadian heroes. We are in deed a nation in mourning with the loss of Gord Downie. He was a a very humble and talented man who truly expressed what being Canadian is all about. Our prime minister was crying on the news over his loss. He was a national treasure. Thanks for noticing.  Awhile back you said about the Chicago cubs making people feel better or just being there at the field. 20 years ago my 18 year old nephew died of cancer. When he was granted a last wish he picked to go to Chicago and see a cubs game. The players took pictures signed autographs and let him sit in the dug out. He was thrilled and when he came home he took his picture book to the hospital to show all the drs and nurses. When he died his friends were all pall bears and they wore Chicago cubs ball caps with their suits. My sister in law sent a letter to thank them and say they would always have an angel in their outfield.  Maybe it's a special place cause Mark is there. I was taken back when u mentioned about feeling good there.

Kate. How r Rosses treatments going? How long does he have to go? We are getting gorgeous weather here but think Alberta has had snow. My sister in Nanimo is getting a lot of rain storms. So sad about Gord Downie. He had such an impact on Canadians.  Oh my Boston is blowing Vancouver away tonight. 

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My girl is in heaven

It is a divine gift to find the light inside while in the midst of despair.   (Found this on line)

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Louanne, great quote...divine gift...And yes, the name was wrong, I must have just been putting Gordie with Howe, (I know some of the hockey players names)...but The Tragically Hip was a band I loved and enjoyed the sweet and open-heart of Gordon, the lead man of the band. The poetry of his songs, the melodies...The Chicago dj was crying too when he spoke of Gordon's passing the other day, and my heart felt heavy with his leaving, I know what he means to you Canadians...and so we grieve with you. ANother Canadian musician, Neil Young has long been one of my favorites, and while he is still producing music, I wonder if he is well since he is not doing THE BRIDGE SCHOOL CONCERT this year, for the first time in like 25 or so years. Neil too, has always put his poetry to music and touches my heart with his words. I am sorry that you lost a nephew to cancer Louanne, how sad. I think that it is so sweet that his wish was to go see a CUBS game. The Cubs are a beloved team in almost every iteration, and Wrigley Field is a special place. It just is. So I am glad that your sweet nephew is one of the Angels in the Outfield. I hope that the Cubbies can pull off a win tonight, but I think that they have less energy than needed right now...we'll see.

Lesley, yes, that garden, that saving grace, that space that allows you to feel life and growth and hope. What better thing can we feel in our lives, especially when we are finding our way back to a new world, one in which we are unused to living in...we slowly find something that will give us respite, a moment and sometimes more moments of time we can actually enjoy and look forward to. It isn't easy to find that after losing a Child, but when we do find a tiny glimmer of something that feels like hope, we know that we are breaking through the thick and heavy clouds that covered the sun for so long...What will you do in the winter? Will you be able to take some plants inside and work some magic there? Use some plant lights or build a greenhouse? I know that my husband misses the garden work when things get cold...so the key will be to find something that to take care of and nurture over the cold months.

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Jaesmom17,

My heart cries as I read your story about your beautiful baby girl.  There are no words I can say to make this all better.  Just know you are not alone.  We have walked this path before you and can help you navigate.

please be kind to yourself.  Your mind, body, and soul have and will be going through a very difficult time.  

My son, Brian died of a completely preventable car crash...that was 9 years ago.  I have found people who understand my sorrow and celebrate our small accomplishments.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

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My friends,

we spread Brian's ashes in Maura Lani Bay after dark.  It was sad, beautiful, crushing-reality, never-ending stars, and every other emotion you can think of.

I just miss my boy.  You would think after 9 years that I would not still fall apart, but fall apart I did.  

Life is a different kind of good now.  One I am still learning to accept.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever 

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Colleen, I am so proud of you and your Family, finding the courage to release Brian's ashes to the sea, to the stars, to the universe...in such a beautiful place. After 14.5 years, I still break down too, it is just the overwhelming reality that hits us in times like yours, and sometimes just in times walking down the street...we are caught by our loss at times, and need to let it out...free it. You are doing very well and like you said, life is a different kind of good...it is.

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colleen glad you spread Brian's ashes in the sea ,it is very freeing to have some finality and only you know when you are ready for that. Also the tides go all over the world so he will be everywhere. Everything needs water for life so it is an ideal final resting place. When my Tommy died all his friends waded into the sea at the beach and floated leis out for him. I was so touched to hear that. I think you are doing really well. Of course you broke down, who wouldn't, but the difference now is that you can pick yourself up and carry on more quickly than before. We all miss our kids every day but remember they are always with us in spirit.

dee yes I am lost without my pretty flowers in the garden. No blooms to pluck for my house either. I do get very sad as it feels like a death but I try to tell myself it is just a resting period for the next year. I treat myself to some cheap store bought ones from time to time as I really need flowers in my house to brighten my spirits. i do have indoor plants but they are just green. i don't have room for a greenhouse and anyway it is mostly rainy or overcast in the winter here. i love my blue light which gives me a sunshine boost, really makes a difference.

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Mermaid Tears

We had the blessing and scattering of John David's ashes in Port Aransas in 2013....in the bay in front of the Lydia Ann lighthouse....I bought urns for each sibling...and put small amounts of his ashes in each one....Jeremy decided to move back to Texas last summer....but before he left Oregon.....he put John David's ashes that were in his urn...in the ocean...John David had spent his entire Navy career at Whidbey Island, WA.......(a cute story about how that happened)....but he loved that whole area...the camping, fishing, hunting, skiing....he loved the weather....but he came back to the humid, hot South Texas to be with/near his family. Jeremy said it was very emotional to release his ashes...but it was important for him to do that for his brother. This is a photo of him in this act of love.

Colleen....I do understand. A different kind of good. The abnormal becomes the new normal. The first 3 years were like living in a personal hell hole. I knew I had a responsibility in holding the family together...allowing my adult children to grieve in their way....finding their way. It is like stumbling in the dark...trying to find a safe room.

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Mermaid Tears

Lesley...thank you for sharing your boy with us. I love Willie's song...'God's Problem Child'......I think they are put on this earth to teach us....what unconditional love is all about.

Don't throw the baby out with the dirty bath water.

Have you tried to grow salad seeds inside ? They don't require lots of sun....research it....about 3 years ago....I started baking bread. If you 'knew' me....you would understand that many of my friends were simply enthralled with my new interest. But...as you know....when it gets dark at 5....the nights are so hard to get by....I decided that if women could back bread going across America in a Conestoga wagon...I could surely learn how to bake bread in my kitchen...so...I started trying out many, many bread recipes....I found a recipe called Crusty Bread....and that is everyone's favorite....you have to let the dough rise for at least 12 hours....so I make up 3 bowls of dough at night....and bake it in the morning. It kept me busy during those winter months. I also bake other things....John David would be so proud of me....and there are always people to give your homemade bread/cookie/pies/cakes to....and they are so grateful. I never...ever....in my wildest imagination would ever think I would do this. Grief and long nights allow one to really 'think outside the box'.....teachable moments.

My Grama always said...'you will never go crazy as long as you dig in the dirt'.....now her words have been proven true.

I hear many on this site that are not looking forward to Winter coming....we don't have to worry about that in my part of South Texas....but I hope each of you will find 'something' to keep your hands busy.

Louann....was your nephew your sister or brother's child ? I am always touched by the organizations that grant a child 'a wish'....I can only imagine how a parent's heart is so filled with gratitude to see their child so happy. Such a sacred memory.

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It seems only way now I can cry is when I'm drinking. I know it's not the answer. I know it's not right. I know it's not good for my son. 

I had a dream the other night. Kiona was wearing what she wore last Christmas. I could only see her from waist up. I'm not sure what we were doing but I had a feeling that I needed to hug her regardless of what she thought. She had this look that she wanted to hug me but was timid about it. I hugged her anyway. Last Christmas she gave me a dirty look for taking a pic of her. But this dream was different. The look was different. Though she didn't put her arms around me, I knew she needed it too.   I woke up right after. 

I also had a dream of a friend whose child died. I kept waking up and going to bathroom. I'd lay back down hoping to dream of something different. That didn't happen

I've been tired a lot lately. Pushing myself I think. Stress at work. Home. Trying to do everything to keep my mind off that my daughter is gone. Handling it myself. Everyone seems to be going on with their life but me 

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So I watched the CD of everything. The things I'm most upset about is the snap chat. Really,. Does anyone think they could survive how she was placed. The description the cops gave is not at all how she was. Her arms were like she had a straight jacket on. Not just under her hips. I am so mad. I was thinking I was going to let it go, not after seeing that. She couldnt move. WTH were they thinking.she wasn't acting like she was having a panic attack. My daughter didn't die cuz of carelessness. It was plain and simple negligence. 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thank all for remembering Jesses Angel day....it means so much to me.

I am sorry for the new ones who have come, but this is a loving place, with compassionate parents. It has helped me so many times when I had no where to turn. 

Thinking of everyone here. 

Laurie

Also, to Tina, we homeschooled for many years, I am so glad we did. I have known of many who graduated from it, and it taught them to be self-starters in their learning throughout life. 

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On 10/20/2017 at 1:35 AM, Lou ann said:

"It is a divine gift to find the light inside while in the midst of despair." 

I love that quote, we do all need to find something that reveals the small spark of light we still have left. Mermaidtears it is great that you make bread. must be very therapeutic to bash that dough around and then see it become something tasty and nourishing. If I did that I would be even fatter than I am because fresh baked bread is so yummy!

Tina that CD must have been very, very difficult to watch. You were brave to do that and now you will need time to process all the emotions it will churn up. Anger, injustice, and deep despair just to name a few. Kiona did come to you in your dreams,you were lucky to have that happen, she was telling you she is still here but in a different space. i get that you can't always cry. You feel that huge lump in your throat and your heart screaming with pain but the tears don't fall. It leaves you blank and empty and unfeeling. Horrible feeling. After 2 years I do not always cry either sometimes the pain of loss is too deep to express, other times the tears come and don't stop, it is a feeling of being out of control. you are still very new to grieving and have a long way to go before you finally find some resolution. I know that your desire for justice to be served is strong, those people involved were very negligent and uncaring and selfish and you want some consequences for their inaction in caring for your daughter. I hope you find someone to take your case up but please do not waste money if they say the case is not strong enough. Many of us have not had justice in the deaths of our children it just was not meant to be but know you have done everything in your power to at least try for it. You do acknowledge that drinking is not a good idea which is true of course. probably a few of us have done the same thing in the earlier days, I did a couple of times, but it does not help really. it can quickly become a need to help you sleep or calm you down or allow tears and it is much healthier to do that by yourself if you can. I do know it is hard, be strong.

 

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Mermaid Tears

Tinay....in my first year on the grief journey....guilt engulfed me....I think that must be true for every parent...and it is normal....it is just so foreign that our love and care did not save our child. We are wired to protect and nourish our child. That kind of guilt is irrational....but....because everything in our world turned upside down....everything becomes abnormal to a degree. I describe it like being plopped down in a foreign land where you have no map or compass...do not understand the language...and have no idea how you got there or how to 'go' home. For now....please do not torture yourself....the truth is...there are so many things which are not in our control. Just be gentle and kind to YOURSELF. You can control what is in your home...family. In my second and third year...rational thinking bubbled up to the top. Please care for yourself and try to get some of the stress and anxiety off your broken heart....and you and your son find some small ways to comfort each other.

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Tinay, your ache is palpable, and we feel it with you...that you know something is not healthy doesn't mean it is easy to not do it...be careful. I know you don't need a lecture, just be careful since you your Son is  grieving too, he may adopt some unhealthy habits and feel it is okay... I am glad for the visit dream, and that the child of a friend  has also come to you might be showing you that they are together, they are near. I don't know where your case sits as of now...are they no longer investigating those that were with your Girl? Have they decided that there is no case? It is maddening when what seems to us an obvious thing, to others may seem incidental. We KNOW our Kids. We know. It does not however mean that things will progress to what we feel is justice. Please remember that we stand with you and you can lean on us, we will not let you fall.

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Susan, how lovely that your Son took the ashes he had and released them in a place he loves and that John David loved. Goodness knows what it must take for that release.

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Mermaid Tears

Thank you, Dee.....he called me the morning that they were heading out to the coast of Oregon...I so wish I could have been there with him.....he had his friends so he wasn't alone. I so love the way his sister and brothers honor him in small ways....that is when you realize the small things are really the big things.

John David and Jeremy...Jeremy was 4 years old....

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Priceless photo of Big Bro and Young Bro.

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Hello all,

I have been reading and and thinking of everyone.  This site is certainly a lifeline to all of us that have have lost our beloved children.     I am very grateful for the support and love extended to all who come here.   This week has been a tough one after burying my brother.    It has brought so many feelings and pain to the surface as is expected as we grieve another.  Nothing compares to the loss of our children, but it hurts none the less.    I am very concerned about my 14 year old nephew tonight.  I just spoke with my sister and they have been having trouble with him and tonight he took some drugs along with alcohol and is in bad shape.   They have not taken him to the hospital because his dad thinks he is coming down from it and there is no need to  take him.    I encouraged my sister to take him as kids are dying everyday from overdosing.   Last week one of our schools had 3 kids overdose in the morning at school from drugs they took after they got to school. and one of my nurses lost a nephew 3 weeks ago to an OD.  The health commissioner was  on tv last night warning parents about the dangerous things that are being added to these drugs that are taking our kids.     I think my sister is in denial that he has been doing it and is convinced that this is the first time he has taken them.      I so don't want her to have to join our group but I fear for my nephew.     Thank you for letting me share.  I needed a sounding board tonight.     My thoughts and prayers are with each of you as you walk your own roads.     
Sandy

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Sandy, I am sorry for the ache and pain in your heart, losing your Brother was sure to feel this way and also bring up all the loss prior. The nature of loss. I sure hope your Sis will listen to you. As parents we always want to believe that our Kids would never do what he obviously is doing, and we think we can control it...but if he is experimenting and is depressed it is fair to assume that he is in trouble. And yes, the news is filled with the news of OD deaths. I am sending hope.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I thought I would share from Dr. Mary Neals newest book  on her thoughts on grief. She lost her son Willie in 2009. Just click the link below and it will open to an image. She shares about what it was like for them, and the myth of moving on.

http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/gallery/image/2568-drmarynealongriefpng/&imageSize=large

 

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Sandy.. I have been thinking of you, my thoughts and prayers continue your way.  My heart breaks to hear of your nephew.. 14.. such an impressionable age and so conflicted in feelings as they grow older.  I hope his parents listen, I know I would go to the depths of hell to try to prevent this from going further.   I surely hope that answers come to your family.. it isn't easy dealing with these problems.. but it gets harder if we just try to ignore it.. it can't be ignored.  I hope you are continuing to take care of you even when you don't want to  strength to you my friend.

Tinay..  thinking of you..  knowing how raw your grief is.  I hope an pray that you find a little more strength each day.   

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Laurie, thanks for sharing this woman's words. She speaks what we have all come to know but those newer here may fully grasp. How is your whole family doing these days? Are you still working heavy hours?

Gretchen, wehrever you are, I heard that there was a tornado in your town last night, and while nobody was hurt, hope that your home is still standing...and your art workshop. How are your Kids and grandies doing?

Becky, I sure hope you are doing well as we head into autumn. How is your vision?  Any improvements? How is your Daughter's new job going?

Georgina, what is going on with your health these days? Keep us posted as to your health.

Kate, I hope all is well there, that Ross is well and that you are well. I hope that autumn continues to unfold its beauty to you.

Sherry, are you making soup as the weather changes? You have all those wonderful canned tomatoes to add to all of your winter dishes.

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Leah, so good to see you today, how are things with Sena moving along? Any news?

Just want to paste this site about meditation or prayer here, it is a great way to intentionally find a way to calm your anxiety...we all need to find these ways, some use prayer and some meditate but the really interesting thing is, that they both involve the same parts of the brain and allow your system to kind of get quiet and feel the intentional act of caring for oneself and for others...rather than the anxiety of all that we have gone through.

http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree/loving-kindness

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A poem I wrote.

 

By design by dee

 

So much of life’s events are not by design,

but instead; accidental.

Meetings and subsequent friendships and marriages and partnerships-

 new babies,

A game-winning throw,

A lottery number called,

A bomb’s near miss,

A discovery in a lab…

 

And a girl that was enjoying her night, that by design was to be quiet one,

A meal to pick up and a movie to watch…

But by accident- a train and a broken crossing.

 

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