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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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JD's Mom, Becky

Thank you my friends, Louann, Sherry, Diane,  Dee, Laurie, Georgina, Susan, for remembering my son. I hope I didn't forget anyone. My eyesight is not good at all, my right eye is 20/200 and my left is 20/60. Add to that all the spots and cloudiness, and I am struggling. I'm at a new eye doctor and all they do is retina issues, so I am hoping they can help me. The thing is that my diabetes is in good control. Yet my vision. Is steadily worse as well as my balance issues and Neuropathy. Did more blood tests today,so we shall see.

I will try to write more later, very very tired right now.

Much love to all...

 

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Mermaid Tears

Becky....that is some good news that your diabetes is in control. In fact...wonderful news. I will say a prayer that the new eye Dr. can help with your eye issues....I think with time...faith...positive thoughts...and good Dr.s and medical team....you are gaining a little ground in the right direction. Please continue to be vigilant on the things you 'can't ' do...and not fall again....sometimes when we start feeling good....we tend to reach out of our boundaries....and end up back at square one. Just take a patience pill every morning...

I don't know if you saw this...but I so believe this is so TRUE......

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My girl is in heaven

Take care Becky. One day at a time.  I wish I lived near and I would take you outside for a walk.  We have both been without our precious babies for six years.  Sometimes it just seems like yesterday.

Susan. No I don't mind sharing. Kira died in June 2011. I went back to work that oct.  I honestly don't remember much about those 4 months other than I was still in shock. I let my sisters pack up her room, which I regret now. I was only asking to have those couple seconds back when I heard her fall cause then I could have saved her. For a time I thought god would give me that time back. I remember getting really happy one day cause I thought if I could do something that pleased god so much he would make an exception and bring her back.  I know that's crazy, but yes I hung onto that for awhile.  I do remember breaking down once when I was about to get in the shower. But mostly it was just like a haze and I know I was not accepting it. When I returned to work I did not do well, lots of flash backs, anger that everyone had gone right on with lives. It didn't affect them at all.  My sister, who was still supporting me at the time and a nurse, went to head of psych. Services to get me some help. They gave me a psychiatrist and grief counsellor in another city as working at the hospital I would have not had any privacy. My husband got referred there too as he was not handling things well either. I saw this psychiatrist from oct 2011 til dec 2016. He did help me but he put me on several (10) at one point medications. So for 5 years I was totally doped up.  The handful of pills I took every night at 8 o'clock zonked me right out for the night. That was my favourite time of day.  I was not feeling to much of anything. Eventually I was slurring words, forgetting things, sleeping all the time, and definitely not dealing with my grief. I made the decision to come off all those pills mostly cold turkey and was physically and emotionally sick for about 3 or 4 months.  Last Jan 21 , Kira s birthday, I went to the cemetery (off the pills now), and a had a brief but very intense breakdown. Something I should have had from day one.  So now off the pills my 5 1/2 years of grief came raining down on me hard.  I went to a nurse practioner in my gps office and got back on  two antidepressants as I knew I could not survive this depression on my own. My husband was on pills too but went off his too.  I am currently waiting for a referral to another psychiatrist.  My grief counsellor/chaplain I am still going to.  I tell her she is my saviour here on earth.  Sorry you probably didn't want this much information.   Honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't have found you guys. 

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My girl is in heaven

Hey hockey fans.  Double header all Canadian teams on starting now.  Kate , I'm sure your watching the jets.  The season officially starts today. 

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Come to me "my pretty" ! Lou Ann, Dianne...let the games begin. 

 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Becky, sending gentle thoughts to you for Jared...if it had not been for your sharing on this forum, our court case would have not had gone well. Hugs to you.

From one of the JDs

Laurie

 

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Lou Anne, what you wrote reminds me of Joan Didion's Book, The Year of Magical Thinking. Although it is about her husband's loss, I found some of her quotes to fit. Here is one.

“Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks.

We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to both body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe that their husband is about to return and need his shoes. "...

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie...I so remember you posting about the facts/research..that Becky gave you helped you out so much....sharing is caring.

Thank you, Louanne....will ponder on all these facts...never too many....

Cheers for all my Hockey fans on this site.....in South Texas...we don't do too much hockey....but from what I have observed..it is a very fast game...

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mermaidtears love that Law you posted how we are all one with the earth and all kind of joined too. There is definitely a circle of life with birth and then death.

Hockey fans enjoy the season!! My girls both played ice hockey in Pennsylvania and they loved it. It is my fave sport to watch because its fast and exciting and skillful and in men's there are occasionally entertaining fisticuffs. baseball I hated, too long, basketball kind of ok, rugby and American football are great. Watching sports can take you away from yourself which is good for all of us although this can also happen watching a tv show or movie or a beautiful piece of music. Allowing yourself normality and enjoyment is really essential even if you can only sustain it for short periods of time initially. Our spirit children rejoice when we start healing, they do not want us to pine away for them, but grow spiritually ( not just God or whomever you follow) and making a positive impact on the world until we are reunited afterward with them again.

louann thanks for sharing about your experience with medications. I think it is important that they are reviewed regularly and tweaked or altered as you go further through the grieving journey. You do not want to be a zombie although certainly at times that feels like a blessing and you need to be able to process grief not halt it because it will find its way out later on as you experienced. I see my psychiatrist every 3 to 4 months for review. As we change throughout time so does our need for medications it is not one size fits all for life. Some of us will be able to come off anti depressants at some point and others like me need them for life, that is ok , I have had depression for many years) what we all need is to be able to function and continue on. We need to try and be the best we can be for our remaining family and friends.

becky take care of yourself diabetes affects so many parts of the body, but I especially hope your vision clears up, sight is such a vital part of living. I am glad you had a peaceful day remembering your boy jared.

laurie that lion picture was awesome. Tommy was a typical Leo, fiery and full of life always looking for something to do. His younger brother Ross is also a Leo and shares some of the same characteristics but in different ways, it is interesting how birth order and your star sign affect your life so much. What do you guys think about star signs and personality?

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Mermaid Tears

Louanne....thank you.....may I ask when you and your husband lost your jobs ? Did you both work at the same place ? What year did that happen? You mentioned you moved...what year did you move ? Did you move far away....or near to where you use to live ? Was the move because of your losing your jobs ? How old were your sons when your girl passed from this earth home ? Once again....if I seem intrusive...I apologize....I am just trying to string together your story. I do honor those who let me hear their story.

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Lou Ann...that game was brutal last night. I imagine you are pleased as punch. They brought in a new goalie to help this year and I'm not quite sure why. It remains to be seen how the season pans out. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving weekend. 

Lesley, I am born under the Leo sign. Thanks Laurie for posting that awesome photo of a lion. I am told I have the mannerisms of the Leo sign as well as born with fiery auburn hair. The temper comes from my Irish grandmother on my father's side. She was a real spitfire and ruled the household with an iron fist despite her short stature. No messing with Gram. Awesome hip checks.

Becky this has been a difficult week for you as you remembered Jared. I was so happy to see that you have your diabetes under control. Not an easy thing to do. Remember my dog Annie? She was diabetic for some time and required insulin shots twice a day. We had to regulate glucose levels constantly. She thrived despite it and we had thirteen wonderful years with our precious friend. I sure miss her but am not up to the task of taking on another pet.

Susan, Laurie, and Dianne...thanks for posting the great pictures and info. 

Dee, hope all is well your way.

If anyone new is reading this from the shooting in Las Vegas...we are here for you and will hold you close in thought and prayer. Our hearts reach out to you as we truly understand your pain and loss.  

Sending love to all for a peaceful and restful evening.

Kate

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Kate. Felt sorry for Mason think it was his first game.  Anybody can have a bad night.  I heard on global tonight how hockey spectators have more heart problems then others.  Ha ha I already know how I'll be going out....screaming at the refs in front of my tv.  Nice picture of the cup.  Dianne.  Hawks and Pittsburg on at 830 EST tonight.  

Susan I lost my job in 2014 and my husband a year later. We moved in feb 2012 from our small village to a town of 40000 about 15 min away. Where the kids went to high school and played sports. I just didn't think I could stay there where she died. Sometimes I have 2nd thoughts but I am where I am.    Evan was 23 and Aaron was 20 when Kira passed. I was 50 and my husband 52. The lady who was boss when Kira died was very nice and knew I suffered sometimes and she would have never fired me. But she retired and they hired a young very cold girl who ran the office like boot camp.  Somebody tried to tell her I had lost a child but she didn't care.  So after 29 years of being a medical record clerk I got called from my desk to human resources and told to hand over my badge and key.  Not one person in the room thanked me for my 29 years of service, I got no retirement gift or cake and coffee hour. The only thing they offered me was a taxi ride home as I was upset and if I got into an accident they didn't want to be responsible.  My boss left the room with not one word to me.  Not good luck, thank you or nothing. I wasn't allowed to return to my desk to pick up my belongings.  So a great number of people think I was just a big screw up and the few who knew I was suffering badly said they would call me to see how I was doing.....never happened.  The only two who stood by me just want to talk about their daughters, their daughters babies and how busy they are at work.  All things I would never have again and after awhile I just couldn't take it anymore. So you see we lost our child, our house we had built ,our jobs and all friends and family went right back to the day before Kira died and just kept going on with their lives... they left us with no support at all. I won't go anywhere in my town cause I don't want to run into anybody I know.  Cause I'm just the lady who lost her kid, her house , her job and all her friends and family.  I'm just a big loser to all of them but they have never walked in my shoes.  I so so hope I can move from this town someday.  Sometimes I think if I am real quiet and still that god won't notice me and pass me over next time he's handing out the crap. Hey Susan you should be following the Dallas stars. R u near Dallas?  Kate and Dianne and I will make a hockey fan out of you.  

 

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LouAnn------I'm so sorry that your family has abandoned you in your grief, and time of need.

Others sometimes "set up" a timeline for grief-stricken people, and expect them to be "over"

grieving by that specific time.  We all know that this is just not the case.....there are no

rules, or timelines for grief.  Each person must  proceed in the grief journey at their own

time & space.  No one in my family ever mentions Davey or baby Lisa. Of course, it has been

many years, and I understand.   It's like my two darlings have faded  'into the past' for my family. 

Also,  you are not crazy, LouAnn......as you said;  about thinking that being a good and brave 

person, maybe you could have dear Kira back.  This is the grieving heart clinging to any scrap

of hope, even though it's not possible.  I did this when Davey died in the horrific highway crash. 

I told myself that if I just pretended that he was still here on earth.....that if I just did not give in to the reality,

that it would somehow make it the way I wanted things to be.  I'm not sure of the length of time that

I did this, but I believe not too long.  I had to give into the crushing pain and grief, and I, too,

had my share of meltdowns, as you have had.  I'm glad that you are getting help from the professionals .  It's

a hard road, and so exhausting, as you said. Our darlings will always be in our hearts & souls until we

meet again.  Keep coming here to BI.  Peace to you.

 

Dianne-----thank you for the lovely poem......inspiring words, and the last verse says it all.

 

WISHING   PEACE    AND   TRANQUILITY   TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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Dianne, we had six Canadians that were injured and four killed in the shooting. They were all from western Canada. One beautiful young woman was only 34 with two adorable little boys. She lived in Alberta with her husband and kids... she grew up in a city called Brandon which is west of Winnipeg. Another two women from a town called Stonewall just north of Winnipeg were seriously injured. One young man stayed with the lady who was shot in the stomach. She credited him for saving her life. So very sad that such madness can occur. 

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My girl is in heaven

Kate. Did you see where the Edmonton police officer who was run over and stabbed by a terrorists came out and was honoured by the crowd. Very touching.

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Mermaid Tears

Thank you, Lou ann for sharing....I care very deeply for you...and your grief journey....I am piecing all your stories together for my thoughts and care for you...

Dianne....I so hear you....sometimes....I find...that many are placed in a place....where they never thought they would be....with a 'slight change' of attitude...we change our whole world within our world...more on that later...it is late...

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Just wanted to check in ..  it has been a busy week.  My sister left yesterday, I was so tired out.  I am not used to having to entertain people.  Not that we did a lot, but more than my usual schedule since I have been sick. 

We went to my hometown..  saw mom's new stone, something my sis wanted to do, we then went out to an old childhood home along with my brother who still lives in the same town.  We all had separate things we walked away with, our own memories that the other 2 did not share.  We were so very different even way back then.

I did get to visit for a little over an hour with Sena.  She cried tears of joy coming in and tears of sadness leaving me.  Wrenched my heart.  She never left my side nor let go of my hand..  I am fortunate I got to give her hugs and kisses on her little head...  the things she wanted most.  I still haven't had anymore word on what is going on.   I know her mother is pushing for the boyfriend to take her.  I am afraid it is putting a cramp in my rights.  The other grandma called me a couple days ago wondering why her son doesn't get her.  I told her I don't have control of it...  and to be honest, I don't think he wants her.  I think she was a little upset with me, cause I don't sugar coat things anymore.  The only important issues here are the kids.  If they found a better place for her I wouldn't fight, but honestly I don't see one better.  The other grandma doesn't want her either, and as for my grandson, seems everybody is content to let him sit where he is at, and I have mixed emotions on this.

I was sad cause I wanted to go to JaBoa's site, but we never did.  My siblings just don't see it the way I do.  I guess I understand them, but it would have just been a short visit.  I guess I will try it another day if I ever get back there.

Becky, I missed JD's angel date.   my heart is with you..  I always hope that things get better for you.. fighting health problems is tough.

The Las Vegas shooting has been impossible to understand.  Sena called me and told me that one of the children's mothers who are the group home was there and shot (wounded).  It seemed to have a calming effect on her strangely.  She has come up with words of.. no matter how hard we think we have it, there is someone else who has it worse.  I am proud of that gal.  I hope the up mood lasts though.. I worry for her cause right now she is on an emotional roller coaster that rips my heart out.

I think I might go to the dr. today.. I feel like something is trying to settle in my lungs.. the one thing the dr doesn't seem to be able to do a whole lot for.  Am I glad I never smoked, can't imagine how I would be.

Well gang.. I guess I better go get my son ready for school.  Thanks again for listening to me.  Hope all is well..  been enjoying posts and hockey updates (used to watch it).  Bless you all..  your an important part of my life

Leah

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I saw these quotes

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and thought they were very pertinent to all of us on our individual but shared journey.

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Take care of yourself Leah. Let us know how you made out at the doctor appt.

Lesley, I so agree with your post.

Georgina, how are you doing? Have you had your Mom's funeral yet? 

Sherry and Leah, a bit of trivia from a book I have called Factoids. With Rememberance Day coming I thought you may find some of these stories of interest. Second World War most famous spymaster was Sir William Stephensen...whose incredible story was immortalized in the best selling book...A Man Called Intrepid. He was born and raised in Winnipeg. The legend and his escapades became the inspiration for Ian Fleming's sauve spy...007 James Bond. A statue of the spy was sculpted by Winnipeger Leo Mol and is on display at the headquarters of the CIA in Langley, Va.

Pine Street in Winnipeg's West End was home to three WW1 soldiers who received the Victoria Cross for their bravery in battle. The street was renamed Valour Road. BTW...they did not know one another and had never met.

In 1914, a World War 1 captain from Winnipeg named Harry Colebourn took a black bear cub to England as his company mascot. When he shipped out for France he donated the bear to the London Zoo. Author A.A. Milne and his son Christopher Robin loved "Winnie the Bear" and Milne crafted the much loved  stories about his boy and the bear. BTW...Colebourn was a Vet. practicing overseas with the Army as they rode horses at that time.

Halloween trivia...  When Stephen King was two his father went out to buy a pack of cigarettes at the store never to return. He was deeply impacted by his father deserting the family. In his early teens he went into the family attic and found a box of comic books that had belonged to his Dad. They were on the dark side and so he began to imagine the stories that eventually unfolded.

Wishing all Canadians a lovely Thanksgiving weekend. We are off for a few days. The beauty of living where we do is that it offers the opportunity to go outside to be alone. There is nothing more cathartic than being at one with nature. Wishing everyone a peaceful few days. Kate :) 

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If you like Stephen King...please read his memoir...hilarious and compelling.

Leah, so glad that you got ot visit with Sena, she will hang onto that visit in her deepest heart for all of time, as will you. She needs to know that you are fighting for her, and you need to know that the system will also fight for her best situation, which does not sound like dad...I wish you so much goodness. Go tot he doctor so that you can tackle the lung issue right away.

Hey, I don't watch hockey Ladies, but the HAWKS ruled last evening in Chicago.

Hey, prayers for my little guy, Grandboy, a cast is on his leg as of today, probably a fracture in his shin...too swollen to know at this point but hasn't been able to put weight on it for two days. He wanted his sister to carry him and she did but she accidently dropped him....OW!

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Mermaid Tears

Oh Dee.....I hope the fracture is a small one....little ones seem to heal pretty fast....but...keeping them in line and safe is the hardest part. Years ago a friend of mine had a little boy that broke his arm....he did just fine....but the parents were simply worn down being frantic about it.

 

Leah....I know that visit with Sena was healing for both of you. Being there with her will give her a lot of love and support. You are the bridge over troubled waters. Remember...'self care'.....for no one is going to take care of you better than you.

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Asked again on Facebook where everyone went. I said I'm still here. Me and my son. 

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Wishing all my Canadian friends a lovely Thanksgiving weekend.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forevr

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Lou Ann, NO YOU ARE NOT A LOSER. 

I also live in a small gossipy town. I left my job after Jesse died. Way too many memories. Somedays I am good and other days I struggle, with the insanity that is my life.

However, I have not ever been much a follower. Don't care either. People often do very stupid things in crowds. (or to please others). 

And I would say to anyone looking down on bereaved parents, and the complications that can arise --- here is a good swift kick in the Arse for them. I do get into some awful ornery fits about the idiotic responses from people, don't have much tolerance for that kind of stuff anymore. Especially when they start opening their mouth as to what they would do if they were you or get this plan up about how you should be responding or doing. Not that they themselves would ever do anything that is flying out of their mouth, -- I have seen some of these same individuals fly into fits about other stuff that is the equivalent to "I think I have a hangnail"...and other such nonsense. 

Now, we -- my husband and myself -- have personally had to confront some very idiotic people since Jesse's death about gossip that ensued, and  fought for 3 years in court, just recently won the appeal...at five years out.

the most recent idiotic happened about 1.5 months ago...a church couple who "befriended" my daughter who turned out to be worse than the comforters of Job. My husband confronted the man...said that was enough. 

Bereaved moms and dads are the bravest people I know...we have to face our deepest fear, pull the oars even when we have no more to give, and those here, in their deepest hurt reach out to others, giving words of kindness and healing.

Most of those people aren't worth thinking about, best to spend your time on what can be done, For me, it means following a spiritual path, family, and giving Honor to my son in his passing. Nothing else really matters to me.

However, I have learned to be quiet about my mourning just to make it easier to be around me. That is why I only tolerate short time spans with others now, except for my family. My mom, and sister have some spiritual giftings, so we are more on the same page on understanding that life continues on. It may be passed down from my mom's grandmothers- don't know. I need time in spiritual spaces, to quiet myself. That is why I often visit Holy Hill which was known to be a healing site. 

Finding our path, with all its obstacles, and enduring. Loving our children gone ahead, and lighting another's torch when it is about to go out....no one can truly know how hard this is until they themselves walk it. 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks to all who like Jared's Lion Pic...I thought it was one of the best ones I had seen. 

Dee, hope your grandson is okay...maybe it is just a bad sprain.

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Thanks Laurie, Dianne adn Everyone who wishes my Grandboy a quick recovery, we shall see early next week about break or sprain. He is a funny little man for sure. We went to see the cast and he told us about it. Little Erica does not seem to feel guilty, she knows that it was an accident. They make my heart smile those two.

Laurie, well said, those spaces we need to find in our lives tend to be quiet breaks in our days, and I too seek those out. A place where I can let my spirit/heart roam around and feel what is near and intuit what I can. After a long or particularly loud day at school, I look forward to the quiet here or to a walk with just the sounds of life going on, no direct conversations...I have always needed alone time, but as I get older and since Eri died, I require more alone time.

The lion is gorgeous Laurie, majestic.

Okay Folks, going to bed, a busy week and a full moon...hoping for a good sleep.

 

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Very quickly stopping by to say"Hi" to everyone. Thanks, Colleen for your kind wishes.

Dee, hope the little wee one will improve quickly.

Laurie, I had to respond to your post regarding gossips. People that gossip are simply small ignorant individuals. A bright person talks about issues that are important in life. A small person talks about other people. I remember vividly the year that Jeff died I decided to grab the bull by the horns and join Curves. We live in a small community like many here. I walked into the place fairly early as they had just finished a Zumba class. All talking stopped as I walked into the room. They were caught like a child with their hand in a cookie jar. Everyone went red. I knew they had been talking about me. I walked over to the treadmill and must have walked ten miles to burn off energy. When they were all gone I spoke to the young woman that was the manager of the place and asked them if they had been discussing me. She confirmed that they had said that if they had been in my position they would kill themselves rather than continue on. My heart sank. I was holding it together with everything I had. This place is surrounded by a couple of cute trendy coffee houses and restaurants. Rather than talk about and thereby recognizing what I was experiencing...why could they not have suggested we go for coffee or something. I got the definite impression that they treated it as a contagious illness and they would catch it. I agree with everything that you said...up your Arse! Forgive my rant... but try as you may...some people are just plain jerks. Now several years down the road I could care less what they say or think. They don't have a clue about what they are saying. Ignorant to the core. Hold your head high and live as positively as you want and can. Their opinion is of no relevance. 

Lou Ann, have a really nice Thanksgiving with your boys! We plan to have a great few days. Enjoy that beautiful weather while you can.

Kate 

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Hey. got a respiratory infection...  got it soon so it shouldn't be to serious.

Kate, thanks for the information :-) Love Stephen King...I have all of his books from before he retired.  With everything I have read on him.. I knew nothing about him.  Should pay more attention

Dee.. Hope the little doesn't have a break...  I understand what you mean about the alone time.  I get where I crave it.. and have been known to get crabby without it.

Had to go to town today.. I hate venturing out there..   heading for a nap...  feeling old today.

Hope everybody is doing well this weekend.. my thoughts are with you

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi well at long last after 14 weeks of pure torture I re eived the results of my CT with contrast. And was rushed into theatre to have a 4cm not mm kidnet stone removed that had lodged at the top of my ureatha partially blocking it so the kidney didn’t drain properly. I’m still quite poorly.  They have fitted a stent for a week which I can quite honestly say is feeling worse than the original pain I had. Feeling so run down it’s untrue .  Xx

Deei hope your grand boy is doing ok now xx

Laurie, Kate so well explained.  I have had so many comments said to me and advice on being stronger that’s what your son would of wanted, that I avoid situations where I would have to deal with it  just can’t take it anymore.   Xx

Lou-Anne Happy Thanksgiving xxx

Ja-boa’s grandma feel better soon take care xx

God Bless gxxx

 

 

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Hello all,

Dee, prayers for your little guy.   Kids are so resilient,  he is probably causing you all gray hairs trying to keep him still.

I went to see by brother this afternoon and his cancer has moved like wildfire.   Probably only has at most hours left on this earth.    My heart broke to see him so frail so near to the end.   Since my Sarah died,  we lost another of my brothers, my mother and now Randy.    Also my dearest friend's daughter who is like a daughter to me has been fighting cervical cancer and chemo didn't help and it has moved to other parts of her body with a poor prognosis and she has 3 little ones. And, a good friend and coworker was diagnosed with lung cancer last week.   I am so very tired of cancer, death and loss.     Just needed to vent.   
Sandy

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Leah, I am so glad that you went to the doctor when you did...saves you the agony of something more serious...good going Girlfriend. Feeling old is just part of our age Leah. And since you are fighting this infection, a nap is another reason to be tired. Hope you napped.

So I hope everyone in this Hurricane Nate's path is safe as he comes ashore. And I hope that Everyone here gets a good night of rest. I am going to bed early, just very tired and looking forward to sleep. The Chicago Marathon is tomorrow, supposed to be warm for runners but it starts early enough that the warm won't be till later. Today we finally had some significant rain...hooray and then a beautiful rainbow. Lovely.

Happy Thanksgiving you neighbors to the NORTH.

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Sandy Dearest, you vent because why wouldn't you???You are surrounded by this terrible thing called cancer and you have to keep facing it for, and with folks that you love...God Bless your brother Randy and God Bless you Sandy...you are here and living in the best ways you can and yet, you have these hardships to face with your friends and family. It will be in your honesty and helpful patience  that will give solace to those around you that are in need. I am holding your hands and hoping that you can breathe in and breathe out the goodness of your Angels, that fills your heart and be reminded by this goodness that you are a lovely and beloved person in all of the lives all around you. I am sorry that you have to bear so much loss.

Goodness Georgina, I am certainly glad that the reports were finally read and that the doctors had a rush put on getting you in surgery! It feels like you have waited a long while for this to take place. You are going to feel weak and achy for a while, just sleep when you can and do as the doctors say. Prayers heading for you for healing.

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My girl is in heaven

Laurie.  That is so true that grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it.  I kept thinking why aren't I crying, screaming, pounding the walls, going nuts.  I just stood there totally void of any kind of feeling.  I never shed one tear the whole time.  If someone had of kicked me in the head I would not have cried.  I had a great deal of guilt living with that. When I asked the psychiatrist why I didn't react and he said tv glorifies death and how people react.  Some people react badly, some don't react at all.  I so wanted to cry but I could not, not even one tear.  What must Kira have thought if she could see me.? 

Sherry.  I think that time  line is what my family did. I think they picked out a date past which they would not allow us to grieve anymore. I never asked anyone to hold my hand or go to the cemetery with me I just wanted someone to talk to once in awhile like on Kira s birthday when I got no response. I wanted someone to help me when I was sick last winter, when my husband and I were holding on by a thread.  We got no help at all.  As far as family and friends were concerned it was water under the bridge, old news.  I know what you feel like your kids have just faded away for. Everyone.  I feel that way too.  But we will always keep our kids shining bright inside us.  And that's all that matters.

Dianne.  Really?  He thought you should be over it at 3 weeks.  What kind of an ignoramus was he.  Even the non bereaved you would think would have a little more compassion than that.  None of my work place friends of 29 years are there for me. Today you can just go on line and send a post to the funeral home. But there were a lot of people who I had known from growing up with , working with, I have  lived here for 50 years.  Yet some never gave any acknowledgement at all.  How can people be so cold and uncaring.  This was a child.  But you know the ones who did me the biggest favour were the ones that were never there from day one.  Cause I knew if they weren't there from the beginning they never would be so they only let me down once.  It was those who said they would call, would always be there, but who one by one dropped out of site cause those ones hurt me every single time they gave me the brush off until I finally realized they didn't care and probably never had.  Please remember you don't just have your husband, daughter and cousin, you have me and all of us on this site.  We are a family now. 

Lesley. Thanks for the quotes.  All so true.  Very touching, holding the lamp for one another. 

Dee.  Prayers for a speedy recovery for your grandson. Kids mend quickly. It must be hard for a wee one to not be able to run around. And yes Blackhawks are off to a good start.  

Laurie and Kate. Wow I   So hear you about the rudeness and ignorance of others.  When I went back to work, some girl said to me "well I don't let my kids shower with the door locked" which of course had nothing to do with Kira's death. Some man in the parking lot of a grocery store said to me " well she just isn't here, no big deal". Really. Some woman said "well my husband just could never lose our daughter". As if we had a choice or something.  But I totally agree with you guys these people are not worth thinking about, we are the bravest people . And yes their opinion is of no  relevance. 

Georgina.  Sending prayers and good wishes your way. Please rest and at least they seem to have gotten to the bottom of things. Take it easy as you recover.

thank you all for the thanksgiving wishes.  Holidays don't really mean much anymore. Take care.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Prayers for your brother Sandy as he faces his transition...

Georgina, sending prayers of healing for you...that is a huge kidney stone...may you get some rest and care.

Kate, and Lou Ann, I just had so much of this kind of garbage said, I really am to the point of just telling anyone who ventures into that area to take a flying leap. 

Susan, how are things down by you? Been thinking about you.

Leah, sending healing prayers for you as well. 

 

 

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Randy passed away at 10:50.   I knew he would not make it through the night but you are never ready to let go.  :(    My humble , sweet, funny, little brother has no more pain.  I prayed that he would  have a big welcoming committee.   He had many there waiting on him.     Sigh.......................    Thank you for the kind words and prayers.

Sandy

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dee hope your grandson recovers soon little ones do so well with healing quickly and it never seems to dull their energy!

Happy Canadian Thanksgiving I hope you all have a peaceful time together and are able to reflect on what you still have and not too much on the losses. (easier said than done I know)

Sandy I am sad to hear that your brother has passed. Losing a sibling must be very hard and i am sure after all the sorrows you have suffered it must hit harder each time. Randy will have plenty of family to welcome him but it does not make your pain feel less. Being out of pain and suffering is a blessing for him I am sure. Hugs to all your family who have lost so many members.

laurie I love that comment about telling others to take a flying leap I must remember that one. We know there is no correct timeline and none of us actually want to feel the way we do it is what it is. Unless you have walked in those shoes and felt that deep love for someone who passed you just don't get it. At least here on this site we all get it that is why we are a community of friends.

louann we will always keep our kids shining bright you are right that is all that matters, but we also need to try and find some shine for ourselves and not be tarnished forever by grieving.

georgina I hope you make a speedy recovery and it is not surprising you feel run down you have been through a great deal recently. Take care.

I have referred a couple of newbies to our thread but as yet they have not felt able to take up the offer. Even if you cannot post please keep coming back and reading you will find the strength to post in your own time, and sometimes just visiting is enough. Know you are welcomed with open arms when you feel ready. I also have notes some absences from older members eg Rainie I hope you guys are doing ok and come back to fill us in when the time is right for you.

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InHeavensKeeping

Thank you Lesley Dee Laurie and Lou Anne struggling today feeling very sick I think it’s all the medication I’m on Leasley  thankyou for the pins I connected with ‘when I must leave you’ “I will meet you in the sky” always hope and pray for that xx

 

Sandy so sorry for your loss take care it’s so hard xxx

 

 

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Randy, may you be met by Angels and please let those here, know you have arrived...

Bless you Sandy, for your shoulders have carried so much. Please take care  of you when you can, I know that your life remains a busy job, so rest when you can. If I were near, I would watch over those you need to care for and let you sleep for a while.

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Sandy.. thinking of you..  no words can help..  just know we care...  please take care of you.

Georgina.. hoping that at last some relief somehow comes..  praying for you.

Laurie.. thanks for the good wishes...  the same to you and to all...   

Somedays it just feels like the world keeps getting tougher on us.. and it is so nice to find a place like this full of concern

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My girl is in heaven

Leah.  U are so right, I feel it too that the world keeps getting tougher on us .  I think about my Kira almost all the time.  I just want to hug her. Glad u caught your infection early.  I am glad u got to talk to sena.  I hope the grandchildren get to come be with you.  How is your daughter doing?  Getting the help she needs I hope.

Georgina, hope u r getting your much needed rest.  R u feeling a little better and stronger each day? I hope so.  I love that picture of the stairway to heaven. I hope it looks just like that.  

Lesley.  " and never never be afraid to die, for I am waiting for you in the sky".  I love this.  Thanks for sharing  I wish I could  find some shine for myself, but my light went out on June 19, 2011 never to come on again.  

Sandy. Am sorry you have suffered yet another loss. But he would have had so many there to greet him.  I pray for strength for you in the days ahead as your heart will be heavy.  

Kate hope u are enjoying your weekend.  Little rain last night but has been nice.  There were six games on last night. I was going crazy flicking all over the place.  Wish I had six tvs.  How horrible of those women to say that about you.  Every time I think I've heard the nastiest hurtful thing someone can say to a bereaved parent , sure enough there's one that can top it.  I'm glad we all seem to be able to leave those people behind and give them no importance in our lives.  

Laurie I feel a lot like you.  I have very few people in my circle anymore.  But I just don't care. It took me six years to figure out who was going to be there and who just wanted to hurt me more.  It's been a long hard lesson. But it is about finding that path that feels right. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Hey Tina, how r things going? So you decided not to move right?  What grade is your son in?

Devianz, Julian's mom, Rainey, Gretchen, Amy Anne , Wendy, somersky and anyone else who hasn't been on in awhile how r u guys doing.  I hope u r still reading and will come back on so we know You are ok.. Take care. 

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A wonderful talk on the morning news yesterday...a survivor from the Virginia Tech shooting said that each time there is a mass shooting like the one she survived or any other kind, she is brought to her knees with reliving her event. She has spent her life once she both physically healed and mentally prepared herself, to speak about violence and how to combat it...she said that she had to find a way to live a grateful-to-be-alive-life. In this, she said that even friends and family find it hard to know who she is now...what to say. She said what we have all said, we are changed by trauma and we can never be the person from the day before that trauma, but we find out who we can be and go forward. She also acknowledged that the anniversaries are the very hardest and in her case, APRIL, is her hardest month so in March she begins the annual rise in anxiety, the annual tearfulness and sleep issues begin, she has come to know it is how her body and soul react to TIMES of great sadness. God bless her for being so able to put words to her ache.

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Hi Lou Ann, yea we decided not to move. My son Grayson is going to be 17 on the 21st. He is a junior. I homeschool him. 

Hope all is well with everyone. At least as well as can be. A virus has swept through our house. We are coming down from it but still makes a weak. Over all. Just plain tired. 

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tina home schooling wow good for you I could not do it would drive me nuts! I have a couple of friends in the US who have done it and their kids have done really well despite the anti home school brigade. Guess that is what a good parent does changes things up to accomodate all their kids individual needs. one of the kids had been really bullied at school so it was great for her confidence to do well with school but be away from those that made her life a misery. My 4 went through some of the usual public school system and did well then we moved back to the UK and the 2 youngest went through the last 2 yrs of the UK school system but in a private school their dad paid for and did well. They did face some initial difficulty with people having pre conceived ideas about Americans and learning to spell the English more complicated way! The 2 oldest my girls have done university here and my son is in his second year there now and loving it. Education whether it is in college or an apprenticeship/trainee position is so important for all of them to live away from home and be a responsible adult who pays their own bills etc is a huge step in maturing into the real world. it is sad when they go away and then live in different cities to get jobs but also important to give them independence and spread their wings. there is no more important job than being a parent and raising the next generation. This quote is for you Tina10385584_563231323818688_791056456471879591_n.jpg.196f8a4a1a3032097a3878073be0e518.jpg

and for the rest of us a simple though to consider, trying to reach for the sunshine again to show our other children that life can go on after loss.

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Lou Ann, thank you for asking after me.

I'm okay. Physically I haven't felt this good in years after surgery. Interestingly though, once it was out of the way... I had to focus on healing the rest of my life and that's proving to be harder than the surgery and recovery.

My relationships have changed, and I think that my spouse wants to leave as we've grown really far apart.  We are such different people now than we were, and we are finding it hard to find laughter and smiles. I don't know how to get past that, and it's very troubling.  I see the rest of my life with this man, and I'm not sure I can pull it through. He's really struggling, and we have both spent so much time trying not to burden each other that a lot of things have gone unsaid and everyone is walking on eggshells. It's no good. He's getting treatment now, so maybe it will get better but part of me thinks he'll just realize that it would be better for him to walk away. I just want him to be happy, so I feel like if that is what he needs than he should do what's in his heart. It would break my heart for sure and just thinking about it brings tears but I don't tell him that because I don't want to put that pressure on him. I will be okay if he goes and will heal, but it's not what I want at all. I think couples therapy would be good but I think he needs to work on himself a bit first and get to a better place. I'm patient and have nothing but love for him so I am trying to give him space without him feeling like I've abandoned him.  It's a tightrope. So I'm a bit on edge.

I'm in the studio a lot trying to work out some of that, and staying out of his hair. Also back at work just so he doesn't have to deal with me at home while he's trying to study and finish his doctorate.

When you have a child die, you feel like nothing is in your control at all.  And that's how I feel a lot right now.  It's a hopelessness that is a very difficult space to live and function in.

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Divianz, I sure do love hearing that you are feeling better physically. I know that getting your spiritual/emotional self in sync is hardest of all, but with your body working better, it is so good for your whole-self. I am sorry that you feel your marriage is under pressure, it is what happens to so many of us. Having your art to help you express your heart is good. I hope that he can get enough assistance that he can face working in couples therapy. Fingers crossed.

Marriage is hard even without the incredible stress and broken-hearts of loss...

Susan, how is Veto doing? That big love-button.

Laurie, how about your Little One?

Sherry, the colors must be pretty now, and with some fine temperatures to enjoy them...

Kate, the colors there must be awesome this week. We are turning, and some trees are prettier than we expected with the lack of rain and all. Crimsons and burnt oranges and golds...lovely.

Sandy, how are you today? Are you having to put your Brothers' affairs in order?

My little Grandboy had a low fever yesterday on top of the leg issues, and today I went over to help out while my Son and DIL went to work, and little Erica spiked a very high fever, 103. She goes along and doesn't even complain until her fever gets to 102...so she slept a good part of the morning, and we played memory game and worked at making books about our family and about Halloween. I got to take Michael for a long walk in the sunshine today, getting him out a bit...we watched the leaf brush truck, and the front loader getting the piles of leaves into the dump trucks. Joy for my little Grandboy.

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My girl is in heaven

Dee. Sounds like u really enjoy your grandchildren. How many do you have? Did you or any of u grandmoms.....how did u find having grandchildren effect your grief.

Devianz. Glad your physical health is better. Sorry about the emotional stuff. I think losing a child effects every relationship you have. My husband and i grieve differently. We go for a drive or run a few errands every week but we dont talk alot and very rarely talk about what happened. Its just too gut wrenching to go there. My husband accidently came across a picture of kira and he dropped the camera and made a horrible gasping sound. He just cant handle it. And he doesnt believe in signs or heaven and gets really upset if i talk about it. So it has really changed us both. I hope everything works out for you. Grief finds a way of seeping into every part of our lives.


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