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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Leah, I am so sorry to hear that this heartache continues. We are here to listen and offer our support. I know we can't fix the problem, but you need to know that you are not facing it by yourself. It must be so hard for you to witness and at the same time feel helpless to make the necessary changes. Sadly, as we have said in the past...she is the master of her own fate and must take full responsibility for her actions. Watching the kids struggle is the most difficult part of it. She clearly needs counselling and addiction therapy. You are far from a failure as you have offered her the tools by offering your love and support, but she is the only one that can use them. I have come to know you as one of the most caring and loving mothers and grandmothers as you have shown such heartfelt concern for your family. The kids know how much you care and keep doing what you are doing. Just being there for them is invaluable.  Please take care of yourself as I know you are not well. This pressure is more than one should have to handle. Hang in there. HUGS... Kate

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Thank you so much Kate...   I owe you a lot, you have been there for me many times.  I know you have a great deal on your plate, not a day goes by that I don't think of you and your family.  ((hugs))

 

Hope all is well as can be.  It has been so cold here in ND.. I am so not ready for winter to set in.. I hope we still see some warmer weather,  we usually do, but people are predicting a harsh winter.  Just gotta dig in and survive.. guess we all get that way.   I think of all the devastation from the hurricanes and earthquakes and I guess I know I am fortunate.  Just have my times I feel sorry for myself.  I know I will get by, and I so appreciate leaning on people here.  Even when they don't know I take their words of wisdom and try to appy them to my life.

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Leah......I believe as we get older....wiser (?)....we finally realize that we simply do not have Super Human Control.....only Super Human Love....and you certainly have the Love for your family. There are situations and circumstances that happen in and around our families that we simply have no answers or solutions to the problems. I know you feel very helpless....but never feel hopeless. As long as you love and care for your family and let them know you stand by them....even if you cannot physically care for all....they will feel your support. I am sure they are aware of your boundaries in your financial/physical issues....your words of your loyalty and steadfastness will supply them with a foundation. If they are put in foster care....am certain you will get some visitations....for you are the innocent one...and CPS has to realize that having a blood relative like you will keep them on a more balanced life going forward.

Don't apologize for feeling down.....I think there are situations that come where it would be abnormal to not be down and depressed. This is one of them. Allow yourself to be sad....it is 'ok' not to be 'ok'......

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Leah, as the others have said, there is nothing you haven't done to help your family through the hardest of times...you did not cause your Daughter to become an addict, it is not your fault and yte it keeps falling on you because you care so deeply for her Children. They have a real nurturer  in youand who could blame them for wanting more time with you? But hey, I get what you are saying, comes a time when we get old enough to know that perhaps we can't keep being the caretaker. You are going to need to take care of yourself, to nurture YOU for now and the system will have to work through the placement of the kids. I do so hope that they keep them together and that Sena can continue to have a lot of contact with you...I am so sorry that you have to feel the pain of anger and sadness with your Daughter again. Prayers and hope for you and the family. May you feel the rush of angel wings around you today.

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Susan and Dee.. thank you for the words.  I am trying to remember that I can't do it all.  So many years I did,  and I know I am paying for it now with the health.  The silence here today has been the hardest.  I usually see Sena on facebook at least once a day.  She doesn't realize she keeps me going..  I just want their happiness and I have to wait and see what happens.  I really think that my daughter will finally look at time incarcerated this time.  She has been lucky way to many times.  She has done so much therapy.  I wish she would have stayed with at least monthly therapy, but we have a mental health shortage here in western ND.  I think that is why the addicts keep getting out of trouble so easy.. they need room for the so called more dangerous criminal..  but I believe the addict needs more help

 

Anyway...  thanks again to all of you...  it has helped me get through a dark and lonely weekend.  Hope everybody is doing alright..   as much as they can be

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Dianne----Yes, I forgot that where you live is about the same weather that Chicago and

NE Ohio shares most of the time.  When there's a snowstorm in your and Dee's area, we

here in OH are soon to get it too, most of the time.  It has been so dry here,too. Thanks for

posting the pics.  Your little granddaughter is a sweet little girl, and so cute.

 

Leah---I'm so sorry for all your family troubles.  As Dee said, you have done all that you can 

do. We wish that we could be there all the time....,with the will, and the strength to make a

real  positive difference in other's lives.  One usually always has the will, but as we age....

the strength might not be there.  I'm glad that you are able to keep in touch with Sena through

facebook.  This is a positive way for you to be there for her.  Your daughter must want to help

herself before others can help her.  So sorry that this has not come about.  Just keep coming

here to BI.....we're here for you.   Peace & prayers.

 

Kate----Your descriptions of the fall in your area are just lovely.  We're getting some leaves falling

now....mostly the Crimson King maples in our yard. My husband planted pumpkins, but he has

had only one coming on.....too late for anymore, at this late stage.  The cause, is the dry

weather.  He has tried to water them, but the field is far from the house, and they really do need

the rainwater to thrive properly.  The vines are beautiful.....just no pumpkins forming.  Oh well,

that's the "gardener's luck"....... at least he has one pumpkin!  So much depends on the weather. :)

 

Lesley-----Yes...I agree...soon it will be time for me to get to the closet for an extra blanket

as the nights get cooler. :rolleyes:    Reluctantly saying farewell to summer.

 

Dee----I'm not sure if Becky's  school has a/c  or not.....I'll ask her.   The gift necklace you

wear means so much to you.....caring friends gave it to you to express their sorrow and

love to you and Erica. 

 

Tina----I'm glad that you are feeling a bit better. As others have said......it is such a hard

road...the first year after losing a beloved child.   Filled with pain, loneliness, and despair. So

many ups & downs to deal with.  Words don't mean a whole lot....I know.  Keep coming back

here......everyone cares and understands.  Peace to you.

 

Colleen---Thanks for the screen shot with the words of Eric Clapton.....always my favorite.

 

WISHING   ALL  INDIGOS  PEACE  AND   COMFORT.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

past week

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As it appears to be pretty quiet on the site this past couple of days I thought I would post a few pics. Thanks Sherry, as much as we loved to travel over the years home is home and we have always enjoyed living here. We tend to get out weather from the west. As it is quite chilly this past few days in Alberta we are now experiencing a chilly and rainy day today. We certainly needed the moisture for the plants. I have never grown pumpkins, but Iove to buy them to decorate the outside. I would love to see your gardens. They sound so nice.

We decided to drive into the city yesterday and we were able to take a lovely walk through the English Gardens at Assiniboine Park. I did not have my camera... so I am showing a couple of photos from last year of the gardens. They were so lovely and it was terrific to just slowly walk around and enjoy the colour and aroma of everything. I also have enclosed a picture of a snowy owl and an eagle that I took a while back. The eagles will soon gather by the hundreds at an Island called Hecla Island about an hour drive north of here before starting their migration in October. What a spectacular site to see. Thought these photos of the lake show the peace and tranquility that I often speak about. Salve for a weary soul for sure.

We watched the opening ceremonies of the Invictus Games being held in Toronto this week. We really enjoyed seeing Prince Harry and Rick Hansen along with Sarah McLachlan who sang I Will Remember You along with another song she wrote for the event. Invictus is Latin for unconquered. These are games for disabled military veterans from around the world. I'm not sure if you are able to watch any of them.

Georgina, we have not heard from you for awhile. I hope things are Ok. 

Leah and Tina, hope you are both doing ok today. I'm thinking of you both.

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi Sherry, Kate, Dee, Diane and Laurie  thank you for asking after me.  Kevin has had another heart attack. I just don't get my life anymore.  I've been feeling rock bottom as I don't get a chance between one thing and another. He's going to have to have a pace maker fitted we think as his heart is beating too slow.  I'm till waiting for test results for my kidney problems feeling completely worn out. Will most probably loose my job if I don't get back but I just can't as I feel too ill. 

Why is life so hard and so hurtful. I must of done something so bad to deserve this. I can't think what. 

Sorry to go on. Thank you for caring it means so much.  James had his funeral today and was buried tomorrow such a hard few days with the build up.  

Love to you all thank you again God Bless xxxxxxxxx

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Georgina, oh my dear! It seems to just keep piling up on you. I am so sorry to hear about Kevin. I agree with Dianne... and please know that you can lean on us to vent. We will be thinking of both of you and I sure hope they can get down to successfully treating your issues as quickly as possible. When things become more than I can handle I only focus on the matter at hand. Hang in there.

Kate

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Thank you for the kind words Sherry..  always think of you and your kindness over the years.  

Georgina, I am so sorry that your still going through so much, hope everything turns out alright, I know how stressful it all can be.

I am heading for my 6 month check up with the lung and heart dr, and 2 month check up with the surgeon.  I don't think anything is wrong.  I have felt a lot better physically, little congested in the lungs with this colder wet weather we had set in.  I am trying to be optimistic  and going slow and steady.

I talked to Sena again yesterday.  They allow her 10 minute phone call a day.  She is hanging in there, she doesn't understand why she has been in lock down (they put her in a teen assessment center) I told her I will do my best to fight for her.  I also talked to her mom, it was hard.  She asked for money and I told her I didn't have any.. normally I would have scraped something up.  She insists that the drugs weren't her, and I told her I can't talk, her children are crying, and so am I.  I also told her that it was between her and the law and I can't do anything for her... I love her.. but hurt deeply.

I know deep down I will make it through this mess.  God knows I made it through worse..  Thanks for being here and I will check back later and let you know how it all turned out.

Kate, I loved the pictures....  so beautiful, did my heart good.

bless you all

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Leah, what you are applying is tough love. The hardest thing any parent has to face. Some times love is just not enough. She is facing an addiction that is going to take the professionals to help her to lick it. People can provide all of the tools to help a person to clean up but they are the only one who can do the work. They have to want to do it. 

Do you remember a few years back I told you the story of my good friend who had to do the same thing with her son. She had gone away with her husband on a holiday. While she was away her son and his friends had what was to become a legendary party at her house. Drugs, drinking, etc. When she came home she found her place had been trashed badly. Many of her things had been stolen. She was a wonderful and loving mom. Yet she finally had to face the fact that his addiction controlled him completely and he thought he could play her big time. Heck, Mom would never turn him in. Well, she did! Brought charges against him. Turned him over to the authorities and they threw the book at him. In the end...it saved his life. 

You must focus on your own health right now and on those precious children. Do not let your daughter take you down the road of guilt. I agree with Lesley in that she may be carrying a lot from the past due to the accident. She needs to face this and get into deep therapy. Only a trained professional can help her at this point. 

Stay in touch. Sending love your way.

Kate

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I love the photos Kate, so so beautiful Bee Balm is one of my favorites. Glad that you guys were able to get out for ab it yesterday.

 

Oh my  goodness Georgina, how terrible for you all that Kevin suffered another heart attack. A pacemaker might make all the difference for him, hope so anyhow. NOW what are we going to do to get you guys the help you need? Are you in contact with your employer to let them know what is going on? Let us know how you and Kevin are doing...when is he scheduled for surgery?

 

 

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This first picture is take in Banff National Park about a 45 min. drive from my sons home. The other is the lake and beach by our cottage. Hopefully this poem will bring a sense of peace as you look at the water. It was written by Robert Taylor. I hope that everyone found some sense of peace in their day today. 

My canoe is on the shore,

At rest.

Moonlight dances upon placid waters

As another memorable day

Draws to a close.

The paddle sleeps

As does the paddler.

Secure in the confines of a forest glade.

Millions of stars sparkle through the pines

While the night passes

At dawn 

Its bow will seek a  distant shore.

 

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Jeff's Mom,

The photos are beautiful.  Thanks for sharing.  Especially, the snowy owls.  

I just miss my boy.  

Not much to say, just "Hi" and thanks for being here.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

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Hello all,

Leah,  I am sorry you are going through more hard times. It is so hard to see our grandchildren hurt isn"t it. You are a good grandma and they know you love them. Prayers that your daughter will want to get help and for your grandchildren.

Kate the pictures were lovely and the lake looks so peaceful. Wanted to transport myself to the lake  and sit and take in the peace and beauty.

Dee, think of you as you try to teach in this heat.  Over 90 degrees.  I loved the 70's we had a couple of weeks ago.

My brother is still with us  but each day he grows weaker.  Hospice is keeping him comfortable and for that we are thankful.  Well need to get some rest . Have a good evening.

Sandy

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rlolheiser addiction is a terrible thing that has the power to destroy lives, both of the user and their families. It takes over rational minds because of its evil grip and causes selfishness and poor decision making to the detriment of others, in this case those poor kids. However actions have consequences and if your daughter goes to jail it may ultimately be a chance to straighten herself out and get clean. You are quite right not to give her money it would go to buying drugs because she is in their grip and cannot resist the temptation. I guess you need to wait for law enforcement to decide whether to incarcerate her or not, that is out of your hands and is a desperately sad situation all round. Talking to your grandkids is really important and trying to see them when you can. The law knows how important family ties are to the children and hopefully wil find them a placement together. I am sorry this is so hard for you all and i wish i could come and give you a hug and some moral support.

Kate lovely pictures thanks. having happy peaceful pictures is uplifting to us all. We are very fond of Prince Harry  here obviously and so pleased he has found love and a direction to go in. Their mother's love goes a long way and Princess Diana would be proud of her two boys and their families.

inheavenskeeping sorry I must have missed something in earlier posts. Did you only just bury James or was it a memorial? Bit confused. I hope it went well and you found some peace or resolution. ceremony is an important part of acceptance. I am so sorry both you and your husband have been so poorly, you don't ever seem to catch a break and i can understand how you feel punished but that is not the case. Grief does cause physical problems as well as psychological ones because you are already low and depleted, vulnerable to ailments. take care and keep on going you will muddle through this crisis as you have got through others. Know you are cared for and supported here by us.

sandy take time to be with your brother so you have some special memories for the future. Thinking of you at this sad time.

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Well I have done what I can for my grandchildren.  I even volunteered to take both children, I feel I am stable enough to care for both.  It is in the hands of God and the social workers.

I want to thank you all, Sandy, Dianne, Lesley...  I know I have to let my daughter take what happens as hers.  It just really is hard.

I did get some good news from doctors yesterday.  I was taken completely off my blood pressure medicine, and my heart meds were cut in half.  See how I do in another 6 months.  They were happy with my weight loss also, in fact told me I am probably losing to fast and I need to eat a little more.  The lung dr, reduced the pressure on my C Pap machine for my sleep apnea, and adjusted a little meds do help with the breathing.  It pays to take care of yourself I guess :-)

Everybody here has been so kind to me, I appreciate it more than I can tell you.  Somedays it is hard to just be so lonely..  but with this site, we never are really alone.. thank you again.

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HAPPY   HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY,........DEAR    DAVEY.  PEACE   TO  YOU,   MY   ANGEL.

 

               For   all   my INDIGO  friends:

 

                                                                 Rise up slowly, Angel

                                                                 I cannot let you go

                                                                Just drift softly midst the faces,

                                                                  In sorrow now bent low.

 

                                                                  Ease the searing anger,

                                                                  Born in harsh unyielding truth

                                                                  That Death could steal my child

                                                                  From the glowing blush of youth.

 

                                                                  Rise up slowly, Angel,

                                                                  Do not leave me here alone,

                                                                  Where the warmth of mortal essence

                                                                  Lies replaced by cold, hard stone.

 

                                                                  Wrap me in your downy cape

                                                                  Of sunshine warm with love,

                                                                  And kiss the tear-stained mother's face

                                                                  With moonlight from above.

 

                                                                  Just spread your wings and take me

                                                                   In reunion's sweet embrace,

                                                                   And we shall soar, together,

                                                                   In a different time and place.

                                                                                              Author unknown.    

 

                   Davey&Lisasmom,  sherry

                                                                       

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Yes Dianne, and when we were little, we did not have these big extremes in heat at school time, we always started back then, in September rather than August, and if we had a hot day, it was rarely in the 90's. Times have changed with global warming. I am so so glad that tomorrow it will be a normal temperature again. Can't express enough how hard this has been on the kids and the teachers.

 

Leah, so so happy that your health has improved, keep it going Sweet woman.

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Davey... surround your Mom and Dad today with your loving arms and fill their hearts with warm and beautiful memories.

Leah, so very happy to hear that you had good news from your doctor's appt. 

LouAnn...hope you are ok.

Georgina, how are things with your husband?

Dee, glad to hear that the temps are starting to drop slightly. It must be so draining for everyone without air-conditioning. This certainly has been a crazy year as far as temps are concerned.

Lesley, what is it like over there these days? 

Colleen, I forgot to mention that mall walking is a terrific form of exercise. Especially on those cold and miserable days of winter. Good exercise but also tempting with the lovely merchandise. Have you been doing this for long?

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happy birthday Davey send your family a sign soon they miss you. I hope the day went well for you Sherry. Also that poem was heartbreakingly beautiful.

rlolheiser glad to hear you are doing better healthwise good news. How are you losing weight so successfully? Since my broken ankle refuses to heal after 5 operations and not fixing it I walk very little and slowly and painfully with a boot and stick and have gained weight sat on my couch for 18 months. Hope you can take both your grandkids they so need loving family members to wrap their arms around them and make them feel safe and secure when their world has been turned upside down again.

The weather in the UK is definitely cooler and the sun not as strong as we would like, fall is here now. We have had some sunny days and not content with my own garden I was helping my mum with hers and my sister with hers! Time passes quicker when you have help and twice as much gets done so its a win win situation for everyone. I started painting my garden wall today and more than 3  hours in,  realised it will prob take me a couple days to do. Bigger project than I thought! Still if I am outside in the fresh air with Nature all around me and actually achieving something worthwhile that is all good. When I am feeling better I try and get stuff done because I still get down days when my fibromyalgia kicks my ass and I am in too much discomfort and with no energy to do anything.

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Davey, sweet David, beautiful Boy...smiling on your Mom and Dad today and each day but extra loving today...the date that brought a special kind of sunshine to the lives of those who love you most. Thank you for your gentle nature, your big heart, your shy and shining smile. God Bless you Davey, and God Bless you Sherry and Denny.

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Happy Birthday Davey... thinking your love shone upon all your loved ones... Sherry.. thinking of you today..  hope it was a peaceful day in your heart <3   

 

Lesley..   I had to have a gastric bypass.  My health was so bad, the dr said it was have it or die.  With a 14 year old boy to raise (my son just turned 14 today) I had to weigh the good and bad.  At my age and condition the doctors had said I was not a candidate, but they came to believe that without it I wouldn't make it..I had gone into a coma a little over a year ago and almost didn't make it....   had to do a lot of soul searching.  It was easier to decide than I thought it would be.  I wanted to continue to be here for my family...  so took a chance on the surgery.. it was the first time I wasn't afraid.  My knees and hips are very much in pain, but it is easier to walk, eventually I will have to have knee replacements and hip surgery but that is another day.  I can still walk and get around...  I am a stubborn old woman.  I hope that things concerning my grandchildren will come to a decision soon.  Sena called me, she is allowed one 10 minute phone call, and I am blessed it is me she talks to, but my heart broke to hear her.  She is blaming herself right now for not stopping mom.  I am trying to make her realize.. she isn't to blame in anyway..  it is just so hard on her to be locked away for no reason..  she can't understand anymore than I can.. but I will continue to tell her how proud I am of her, and how proud her sister is of her...  and so many other people who love her.  Sorry also to hear that the operations have been no help for you..   I know what it is like to be confined to sitting, no matter how hard you want to get out and move..  I hope they find something they can do for you

I know giving up on anything isn't the answer.. it is something JaBoa taught me...   I remember her and her paper route.. she wanted to give up but she kept going...  she was something else...   and me... I am her grandma :-)  sure miss her a lot 

 

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Leah...if you don't mind my asking....how old are you ? You have a 14 year old son.....and I am sure he gives you so much sunshine in your life...and hope to go on with as much grace as you can muster. You still have so many blessings in your son/grandchildren. Am sorry....am so mixed up when it comes to your family and situation/circumstances.....and of course....we all honor you and your Jaboa. I do know that what matters to us when we are young/younger is a lot different than when we are older....our perspective changes....in that we see on a larger stage....instead of tunnel vision.

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My girl is in heaven

Hi everyone. Guess I kinda dropped off here again.  We are breaking record heat temperatures here in southern Ontario. It was 32 here today and the past week or so.  Someone in Toronto left a 4 yr old boy in a car a few days ago and it was too late by the time someone found him.  So sad.  I always find the change of a season as a time to pause and think about what Kira would be doing.  But for some reason this year has really thrown me into a dark hole again.  lack of sleep for weeks on end doesn't help either.  I am trying so hard to stay a float, have increased my antidepressants and am hoping they will also make me drowsy enough to sleep.  

Kate, the pictures are lovely. We have been to lake Louise and it is truly breath taking.  I'm so jealous of your cottage. We would love to live by the water.  I still want to travel to Manitoba someday.  How are rosses treatments going?  

Dee, you must be getting the same heat wave we are. Very unusual for this time of year.  Wishing you a cooler day tomorrow. I'm sure the children must be frustrated too.  

Sherry.  I hope you got a sign from Dave today.  Letting his mama know that he is ok and is watching over her.  How old would he be today?  That poem has to be the most beautiful and heart wrenching I have ever come across.  I am going to copy it and put in my little bag I have in my purse with my Kira treasures.  It is beautiful. 

Leah.  Bless your heart for stepping up for those grand kids.  They need u more than ever. I am sorry for the loss of your grand daughter and what you are going through with your daughter.  Sending prayers your way.  

Dianne. Thank you for sharing those lovely pictures of your husband and grand daughter. Soooo cute.  You can never start to young for teaching them the love of the game.  I like Chicago too. Lots of preseason games on right now. I think that's how I know I'm feeling really down.  I am watching them all but am not enjoying them like I usually do.  I'm with you about winter.  I hate it all except the hockey.  . I think that may be another reason why I'm feeling so down.  I'm actually afraid of another long cold dreary Canadian winter.  But still I have to think about all the hockey games.  What do you think of the new face off infractions they are calling.  I just keep yelling "drop the freaking puck".  Lol

Colleen.  Sounds like you have bad winters too.  My sister who lives in British Columbia does mall walking too. I guess better than slip sliding all over outside.  I love the Eric Clapton lyrics.  And we know he truly  feels them like we do. U still working?  I wish I still had a job some days.  It is hard to get up every morning with no purpose or goal to go to. 

Georgina.  I can't believe all you are dealing with. I think u are much stronger than u think.  I have often wondered too what I did to deserve all this pain and suffering.  I have always wondered where the complaint department is where I could state my "life is not fair" complaint.  If I ever find it I will ask for you too.  Bill of rights. Oh so accurate.  That is exactly how it feels. But the rest of the world will never understand us.  Keep strong my friend and one minute at a time. Remember u have already gone thru the worst life can throw at you.  Sending prayers your way. 

Susan.  How is the clean up going in Texas. There is not much on tv anymore about it.  There have just been so many natural disasters this year.  I hope u and your family escaped it all.  I watched every day to hear if they said your towns name. I didnt hear it but heard port arkanas?  

Tina.  I wish I could speed time up and u were already thru that first year. Not that it is all ok after the first year, cause it is not. But those "firsts" are really tough.  U need to pause and give yourself a pat on the back that u are still standing and some how muddling thru each day.  I know how bitter you feel about being given the brush off by family and friends.  It took me 6 years to finally realize they just don't care.  They are over it so you should be too.  They all went back to their lives the day before my daughter died and just kept going on. All those people who vowed to "always" be there for you just aren't.  I will never share with them again how I am feeling as I won't give them the chance to hurt me like that again. That's why it is so important that we all have each other here.  Like somebody said we are really never alone.  Did you get the house you wanted.  I hope so.  I think a change of scenery would be good for you and your son.  Take care.

Lesley.  Glad u r getting some outside work done. It does make one feel a little better to get that fresh air.  How much snow do you get in the winters.  My son in Toronto has seen Harry's motorcade several times this week.  Invictus games such a good cause.  Is there medication u can take for your fibromyalgia?  I have heard it can be very painful.  Enjoy your weather while you have it.

Sandy  so sorry about your brother. I am glad he is being kept comfortable. Prayers and hugs to you and your family. 

 

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I look back over the years and think.. wow.. I could be a soap opera.. life has taken so many turns  some bad but many good.

Susan, I don't mind sharing my age, it gets to be a head turner for me and my son.  I am 62 years old.   I haven't been able to have my own children since I was 29 when I needed a hysterectomy.  That in itself was hard to swallow cause back then so much importance was put on needing all your parts to be a woman.  I know first hand it doesn't matter how many parts we have.. we are women :-)  JaBoa's mom had gotten pregnant during her marriage, she asked me if I wanted her child, I was in my 40s and freshly married for my second time.  I was torn, in ways I didn't want the responsibility.  I was already a grandma to 2 other children and my husband had never had children.   I discussed it with him, and he wanted the child.  I picked him up on his second day of life and have been his mother ever since.  Lo and behold I found out the baby really was my husbands.   Somedays it would bring me down so much to know I am only a grandma.  My heart and brain though finally got lined up together.  My son is mine.  Once in awhile she tries to show parentage, but since he has gotten older he shoots her down.  He does it nicely but all she will ever be to him is his sister or the woman that carried him for me.  Due to family, I had to give him some detail of his birth.  I can do it without anger cause he is my gift from God.  from this situation is relieved with the love of this young man.  I am sure that some of this has caused the damage to my marriage.  I can still be friends with my husband who we are separated.. in fact I think we are better friends than anything else.    Sorry.. got carried away with that story...  one that keeps giving.   My son knows bits and pieces and has told me that he is so glad I didn't leave him with my daughter, he looks at his half siblings (though he prefers to be called their uncle)  He tells me...  I think my life would be such a mess right now...  and even though things aren't perfect here for him, he still has the love of 2 parents that would do anything for him.  I sometimes feel bad for him, cause so many people just see me as his grandma, and are shocked when I say, no I am his mom.. his classmates have adjusted to it cause I have been in the picture since pre school..  It is funny.. cause for the first few years.. they would stare at me and bless their hearts.. they would ask.. why are you so old?   I just tell them cause I am lucky..  they accepted it and now I am just one of the parents.

Luanne, I thank you for the prayers...  I so enjoy knowing that the good Lord watches over us.  I know I daily read everybody's posts here and my heart and prayers are in tune with the parents on this site.   I get through a lot of days imagining my JaBoa meeting each and every angel.  When the grand kids were younger and my son..  they would swear to me that they could see the angels dancing on the moon... so on nice clear nights I like to sit on the deck and look up and watch the light of the moon and see in my heart the angels together

I know I get carried away anymore in my thoughts.. might say more than I should, this being alone sometimes takes a toll on me and I ramble.

 

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Leah, I worked all day in my yard and the weather was heavenly. I hated to come inside. The temps are just perfect for a lovely fall day. I had time to think about your post and I can see what a heavy load you have had to carry over these many years. It must feel good to finally be able to talk openly about it. Have you ever considered family counselling to help to deal with past issues? I am so pleased that you have licked many significant health issues of your own. The news from your doctor is all good. Stress can take its toll on even the strongest of people. Keep on doing what you're doing. I am so pleased you are on the mend.

LouAnn and Lesley, my grandies headed to Edmonton last evening with their parents to see Coldplay perform. They are huge fans. I admit to liking Chris Martin myself. 

Lesley, how on earth did you break your ankle? It sounds as if it was a terrible break. I see you are out helping the family prepare their gardens for winter. Do you find you sleep better after a full day of fresh air and physical work?

Dee, has the heat toned down a bit? 

Some of the pictures that I have shown are not new. I have posted some of them in the past...I thought I would share a few again. This owl was taken by my son on a drive in the countryside in Alberta. We have a bit of a competition going as to how many wildlife we can see and capture on film. Hopefully these pictures put a smile on your face if only for a brief moment. The picture of my grandaughter was taken a while back. The sweater is almost as big as she is! This is a picture of their dog as a pup. He has grown to be quite the handful to be honest. They have one busy household. 

Hubby has had complications with his eye. It is not healing as we would like. He saw the doctor this morning and they are about to start the immunetherapy. It certainly has not healed as quickly as the last surgery four months ago. Prayers please.

Sending wishes for a peaceful evening.

Love to All, Kate

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Leah, you have had way more than your share My DEAR, so my hat is off to all that you have endured in marriage and in taking on as you have, the lives of your grandies. Just know, that your heart is still beating for a reason.

Peace to All today and each...

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Kate, gorgeous photos, is that a gray owl? So pretty. Grandgirl reminds me of my Grandgirl, coloring and all. I am sending prayers for your sweet husband...that he heal now, all the way. Please Lord and Angels find ways to help those of our group whose lives need some extra blessings.

 

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Love those photos Kate....what a cutie you have there...you are blessed.

 

Leah....you do not ramble....it gives us all more insight into your grief journey. Each grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique....and then...I have discovered many have what I call complicated grief....layers of different shades of grief. I do think you are an amazing woman..mother...grandmother...human walking this earth home. Why..? Because you still have so much love....and that in itself is the finest richest gift ever. Hold on to your faith and love...and stay the path you are on.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Sherry for sharing that poem for Davey's Heavenly Birthday. Hugs.

 

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Kate,   Lesley,   Dee,   Susan,   Leah,   LouAnn ,   Dianne,   Laurie........Sending a big thank you for your 

dear sentiments for Davey's birthday. It means so much to me, and I am grateful for friends

like all of you, here at BI.   We went to the cemetery....I took a small bouquet of marigolds in a pint jar.

It's the only flowers we had  left that looked nice.  The crows were in the trees, high above....they usually 

come around when we visit his grave. 

 

LouAnn----Dave would be 46 yrs. old if still living,.....but he will always be 31 to me.  Yes,

that poem really says so many nice things.......don't remember where I ever found it, but

have kept it for a lot of years.

 

Laurie-----thanks for the lovely screen shot poem.  I will copy it, and keep it. The last line....

"Until we meet again"......I think we all hold onto that....hold close to our hearts.

 

Lesley---Yes,...it does seem like the jobs we start  take longer, and become more work

than we had anticipated.  All your work in the gardens; ...   and your garden wall will look so

nice & fresh when finished.

 

Kate---Thanks for your lovely pics.  Love the one with the owl, and the sweet grandies.  That

was such a great shot of the owl......aren't they difficult to get photos of?

 

Dee------AHhhhhhh,.......finally cooling down to normal Sept. temps.  So glad that your

classrooms will be so much more comfortable for all. :)

 

PEACE    TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

 

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Hi everyone. I've been working homemade gifts for my family. Just little things to keep myself busy and not lay in bed all the time. We also draw names for the adults. My niece , the one who has helped me the most, drew my name.  I finished my 11 year old great nieces pillow bed (1 down 5 to go) and sent that niece a pic of it. She called me tonight and said, she wanted to make me a memory quilt for my gift from her if I was ready to part with kiona's clothes. She was scared I know to ask. She had an apologetic tone. I think it's a very sweet idea. I told her I will think about it. I said all they do is sit in her suitcases and such. I've only gone through them once after the first time of getting them. That made me tear up. I'm sure it will do it again. I know I will be glad to get the quilt. I also texted her saying if/when I'm ready, I would like to have her bonnet she always wore added. She was concerned but I told her it doesn't have to be cut up, just added onto a block. This decision has me emotional. Course I've been extremely emotional lately. She is going to see if her grandmother can make it. She says it will probably be too hard for her mom to do it. I agree. 

My son said no to the move. He came up with all kinds of excuses, but after much prompting, he admitted it was too much work to move. So, I figured it was God's direction that we stay put. I did tell him that I was looking to get out if here to get away from the memories of that morning when the officers were at my door. He understands but still doesn't want to move. I will trudge forward. Deal with it best I can. 

My mom is coming into town tomorrow. She went to the hills to see her sister. I'm not sure she really wants to stop but I told her she needs to to look at kiona's flowers from her funeral and tell me if I'm doing something wrong. I don't know if I repotted them too many times, or they are sitting in wrong place for sunlight or what. She agreed to stop and spend the night. Tho she said she has to leave right away Friday. Running out of meds. I said that's ok, I understand. I truly do. 

Prayers to everyone. I'm going to continue on with crafts. I can't sleep much any way. 

Love and hugs to all

Tina

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It was a long day yesterday.  I spent it on the phone with Child Protective Services and Sena's dad.  The Lord does answer prayer because they are going to work on my guardianship for her.  They put her in a temporary foster home with 6 other children.  They allowed her to facebook me and we spent several hours (which surprised me they let her so long) but she needed her grandma, we messaged each other until her bed time.  There were many pauses and many I love and miss you typed.  I think she just needed to know I was still there.  She told me she wanted me to hold her so she could cry and cry some more.  I told her soon..  we can cry together.. but we can't stay in crying mode, we have a lot to do together.  I do so appreciate all the prayers and thoughts sent our way.. you are all wonderful.

Kate, I enjoy the pictures you send, even if they are sent before.. it always strikes my heart the beautiful colors, children.. and just that your able to share them with us.  I hope your husband does better with the imunetherapy.  My prayers continue for you both.  I have thought of counseling, but I had it years ago when I was married the first time.  My husband doesn't want counseling he doesn't believe in it.  I guess I just have learned to accept my life.  Though some things are so terribly wrong that happened it happened the way it was supposed to.  My son turned into a strength I didn't know I had.  I struggled so with my daughters, but with him it is different.  He is accepted by his peers, looked up to by all the little ones around us.  Respects adults, respects his father and myself.  I have worried over the years for him because he was a meth baby..  but he has been monitored and there hasn't been anything significantly wrong with him.  Certain subjects in school, but we work on it together.

I have to share a story of him this last weekend.  He went to the races in another town.  My niece told me he found $50 but he never told me.  I questioned him on why he never told me about his lucky find.  He said what find?  and I told him I heard about the money and he told me that he never had it anymore so he didn't want to say anything.  I asked why don't you have it.  He told me how he saw a lady walking around looking for something and asking people if they had seen $50 she had lost.  He said he thought about keeping it but decided he couldn't do it.  He gave it back to her..   Just when I thought I couldn't be more proud or more in love with guy he showed me I could.  I know many adults that would have just kept the money..  I just told him I love you and am so proud you are me son.. 

Dee.. yes, I believe my heart still beats for a reason.. and those reasons have encouraged me to make it beat stronger.  

Dianne, thank you for the encouragement.  I would like to think that any grandmother or mother would do the same I do.  I don't see it as special, just the way we are made.  I think since JaBoa's passing my heart has been more open and more protective and I have had to learn that I don't have control over any of it.  I just try to do what she would want me to do.  What God wants me to do.

Susan, I am finding it easier to open up.  For a long time I felt like I was intruding on this site even though others tell me I wasn't.  I was only a grandma..  I didn't share the bond of losing my child.. but I have learned.  I know you are all here for me,  I lost JaBoa who was more than just a grandchild, I helped to raise her as a babe..  but all in all...  I just had a broken heart and am learning how to put the pieces back together..  a new fit..  not the same as it was.. but maybe even better in some ways, cause I miss her so very much.

Sherry.. thinking of you, the missing days are hard sometimes.

Tina, what a wonderful thing to do.  Home made presents are the best, I love things that come from peoples hearts.  Your girl I am sure is very proud of you.  Sorry the move didn't work out, but maybe your right and the Lord has other plans, some we just can't change.

I guess I better shut down this book, have some cleaning to do as I know my house will be inspected from CPS.  Its not bad, just cluttered.  Again I thank you all for the prayers, and just for letting me go off.  You are an inspiration to me.. never to old to learn new things   ((hugs)) to all that want them..  and even to those who don't

 

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Leah do not think you are rambling it is sharing among friends and helps create a bond that encourages support for each other. Sharing our stories encourage others to speak out about their hardships and traumas. Your son seems a delightful honest young man and I am glad he is so supportive of you. In time hopefully the guardianship of your grandchildren will be sorted and you can give them the family life they deserve. How sad they have had to be part of the crazed world of addiction and had to cover for their mom who they love.

kate I had to have an emergency hysterectomy age 31 when the obgyn dr ruptured my uterus with a probe during delivery. I was bleeding heavily and the rupture had also progressed through an ovary so they took everything out. Hormone replacement therapy did not work for me as I had a minor heart attack at 33 so I have been hormone free for years which causes osteoporosis. I was later diagnosed and put on medication but I guess it was more severe than they realised. I was sitting on the floor and went to get up and my ankle snapped. 7 fractures lots of small pieces and also dislocated. That happened in may 2016. I have now had 6 operations  and have internal screws wires and a plate but it refuses to heal. My next surgery is in jan and if it does not work it will have to be permanently fixed in place. It is very disabling I have spent months on and off in a wheelchair and crutches but now have a boot and walking stick. After each op I go back to square one until i am able to mobilise and drive. It has been a very long frustrating road, painful and disabling. I am unable to walk far. I also have a spinal fracture and the fibromyalgia and inactivity have caused stiffness in my joints. Yes it has been v challenging but losing my son was worse and it did give me time at home to heal mentally and work through grief. I am on disability but hope next year to find a part time job that I can do with all my injuries. Not many employers want a 52 yr old with physical limitations and a mental illness history but I will see what happens. One day at a time... I do have a supportive family luckily.

tinay glad you are crafting it is really healing to do something and get some enjoyment out of it when grief is so black. I am not skilled at anything except gardening but I do help my parents and sister with their gardens when I am able, just giving back a little to them for helping me out so much. I do feel a burden sometimes it has been a long road with my ankle and my breakdown.

sherry it is strange to think of our children getting older I too always picture my Tommy at 24 and not aging or changing in any way. They will always be forever young. Can't say the same for me I have aged tremendously after losing him. marigolds are beautiful so vibrant Davey would love them.

I enjoy the photos quotes and links you guys all put in thanks. mermaidtears that quote about still seeing the world as a beautiful place is true. I guess I look for beauty and peace in Nature because that is continuous whereas people let you down. having said that I know I have had some very special people brought to me by grief and I count each one of you in that. Your personal stories of loss and struggle, hardship and small successes are a moving force in my life and make me reflect and want to get over the depression and dark days of grieving.

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When we hear the story we start to form a full picture of the person. We then understand the reasons behind the way a person thinks and acts. One thing is really clear to me...that we all carry emotional baggage by the time we reach the age we are.  Having heard the stories I feel that we can all stand up and hold our head up high. We are survivors!  I was hospitalized at fourteen for a month due to abuse. I had learned to develop what was called dissociative disorder. I am really good at it.. they tell me. I can literally almost go into a form of hypnosis. It is amazing what the mind can learn to do as a child to protect yourself. I went into therapy for four years after the person passed away. I can honestly say that it was the best thing that I did. I came to terms with it and have forgiven them and moved on. It is in the past. I tried a variety of anti depressants but eventually stopped them and have found I am doing ok on my own. What they never tell you is that they change your metabolism and you are sure to gain weight. Women do not want to hear that for sure. I have never been a pill taker. Never done drugs of any kind to be honest. I did take sleeping pills after Jeff died but cut them in half as I did not want to become dependent on them. That is why at times I may appear cool or distant. It was my way of coping. I suffered a small stroke a few years back. It took me a couple of years to fully recover. I still have issues with memory stuff. That is why you see that I never punctuate in my sentences. I have forgotten how. It's a real bummer to be like this at times. I did not have any family support . Betrayal of family secrets will never do. I learned to carry things on my own. Stiff upper lip and all that. A sign of weakness to show emotion by their standards. I also relied on my faith to help me over the really difficult times. I never became angry with God...but in fact He somehow became closer to me. I learned that when I was hurting my most I just turned myself over to him. He has never let me down. This site has been a life saver for me. The support from friends that are walking the walk and can relate is so important. It keeps me going.

Life can take us to places we never imagined. How we handle our hardships defines who we are as a person. If we were perfect we would not be here. There is not one of us that would not change some things that have happened in our past. Since we can't turn back the hands of time it is pointless to focus on that period of our lives. What we can do it take charge of  who we are today. For a better tomorrow for ourselves and our families. Losing a child is life altering. It forces us to focus on who we are and what we are. It requires change and a lot of strength to put those changes into place. We may not always get it right but at least we can try.

Lesley, I had no idea you had suffered so much with your health over the years. You are one feisty lady to be moving around and even gardening as you do. Another upcoming surgery. Good luck down the road. 

Tina, there is nothing nicer than receiving a special gift that is made with love and careful thought.  Priceless. 

  

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Leah.....it seems as if all is moving in the right direction....and YES.....'self care' is something only we can do for ourselves...

Tinay....I do believe that creativity is essential to our mental balance...it can be baking a cake....bread....painting a chair....when our hands are busy...our minds can open up.....and maybe your son just wants to stay put for now. Young and old alike don't like change....and for now....you both need to have calm and rest. There has been a lot of change in your lives for now.

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Dianne, Lesley, Kate and Susan..     I have been so glad to get to know you during this time in life.  To hear your stories and understand that I am not alone in feelings.   Sometimes I get so withdrawn from the world because I am not in the midst of others.   I have my older daughter and 3 grown grandchildren in town but they never come to see me.  If I want the companionship I have to go to them.  Sometimes I get angry and just sit here..  but I do give in to visit once in awhile.   I guess what I am saying is I have learned that I am in charge of my life.  I decide that I can either be recluse or I can get out and just see people.  Since JaBoa's passing I have done a love hate relationship with God.. but he didn't give up on me.  So I can't give up on me.  I want to be here to help others and am still learning how.  The world is hard,  and sometimes we get hurt.  One thing that I am reminded of thanks to JaBoa was a sign somebody had handwritten and hung on a tree above her resting place.  It said "I didn't know you, but I saw you and you made me smile"  I want to be like that.  We never know who is watching, and who we touch.  To this day I still don't know who wrote that but I am so proud to be her grandma, she made people smile.. she made me smile.

I hope you are all doing well.  All the new comers.. there are better days ahead though we wonder where, and to those who have been here for awhile..  ups and downs are tough but coming here makes it better..  everybody here has been such a tribute to their Angel  they are proud of us..... I just feel it in my heart

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11 hours ago, rlolheiser said:

Dianne, Lesley, Kate and Susan..     I have been so glad to get to know you during this time in life.  To hear your stories and understand that I am not alone in feelings.   Sometimes I get so withdrawn from the world because I am not in the midst of others.   I have my older daughter and 3 grown grandchildren in town but they never come to see me.  If I want the companionship I have to go to them.  Sometimes I get angry and just sit here..  but I do give in to visit once in awhile.   I guess what I am saying is I have learned that I am in charge of my life.  I decide that I can either be recluse or I can get out and just see people.  Since JaBoa's passing I have done a love hate relationship with God.. but he didn't give up on me.  So I can't give up on me.  I want to be here to help others and am still learning how.  The world is hard,  and sometimes we get hurt.  One thing that I am reminded of thanks to JaBoa was a sign somebody had handwritten and hung on a tree above her resting place.  It said "I didn't know you, but I saw you and you made me smile"  I want to be like that.  We never know who is watching, and who we touch.  To this day I still don't know who wrote that but I am so proud to be her grandma, she made people smile.. she made me smile.

I hope you are all doing well.  All the new comers.. there are better days ahead though we wonder where, and to those who have been here for awhile..  ups and downs are tough but coming here makes it better..  everybody here has been such a tribute to their Angel  they are proud of us..... I just feel it in my heart

It hurts so bad. I miss her so much. I can't believe this is my life. I can't believe my daughter is dead. Dead. It's agony. My feelings are written are easy compared to how I really feel. There are truly no words to describe my pain

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My girl is in heaven

Tina. I know dear the depth and breadth of this kind of loss truly can't be put into words. Even after six years I still sometimes can't get around that word dead.  I hate this new life we have all been forced to live with. But like it or not we don't have a choice.  If there was anything any of us could do to change this we surely would.  The best I've been able to do is try to concentrate on my surviving children with of course Kira always close to my heart.  It's hard to accept that this is our life now.  As far as I can tell we will always hurt but you will find it won't hurt quite as sharply as it is right now.  Getting thru all the firsts without her is very difficult. But we are all here holding your hands every step of the way.  Your half way thru the first year and still standing as hard as it is for you.  I think Kira and Kiona are friends in heaven as all our angels are watching us pull together to help each other thru.  Hold on tight you are grieving just the way you should.  

Kate.  I had no idea of the scars you have had to carry thru your life. I am so sorry.  We do adapt however we have to to carry on and protect ourselves.  You are not cold or distant in fact you are loving and caring to everyone. You are truly courageous to not only endure but to get help and leave those parts of your life behind you.  You are so correct that we are survivors. And that revisiting the past is useless.  You are a shing example to all of someone who can experience the worst of what life can hold and come out the other side a strong , compassionate person so willing to help others.  Thanks for sharing your story and being the person you are.  Beautiful picture of your grand daughter.  Prayers for rosses speedy recovery.  

Leah.  You certainly are the glue that holds your family together.  I can't imagine the strength you must have to keep going.  I love your idea of angels dancing on the moon.  I'm going to be watching for that.  You  are never alone in your feelings, we are always here for you and each other.  Am sending prayers for you and your family.  

Susan  you really got me with that  "I just woke up one day"   Post.  It seems like a good idea.  I often wonder when something is going to give and how long you can live with this kind of despair.  Hope the clean up is going well.  

Sherry.  Yes my Kira will forever be 17.  It's just torture to try and picture them what they would be like today and what they would be doing.  Nice looking boy your Davey. I hope he shown down his light to you on his birthday.  

Laurie love the she held his hand forever picture and story.  So right about grief taking up residency. And it is so hard to get it to move out.  

Wishing you all a peaceful weekend.  The scorching  hot temperatures have finally given way to cool fall like weather here in southern Ontario.   Dee hope your classroom has finally cooled off.  

 

 

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Kate, thank you for sharing your history here...it sets as example, that we can crawl from the ashes and find a life that is filled with the love and hope and outreach that makes our lives count. WE COUNT! Child abuse is the ugliest side of parenting...you and I both know, as do others here, the horror of trying to grow up in an unsafe home. If we share our lives, we show others that all things are possible, including the hardest part of our lives: the loss of our Child. God bless and more power to you.

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