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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Hi everyone. 

I just wanted to do a quick note and will update more later. 

So many thoughts and emotions going through me. The 21st it will be 6 months. I'm still can't believe she is gone. In my mind, she is at school. I realized the other day that the 21st of December, she will have been gone 9 months and it's my birthday the 22nd. Then a few days ago, I realized the 21st if this month is my parents anniversary. The 21st if October is my son's birthday. Ugh is all I can say. 

I'm going to try and sleep. I have to work tomorrow. Sleep is evading me a lot lately but I have to try. 

Prayers and hugs to all

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My girl is in heaven

I guess I'll just change my name to night owl grieving mom. Lol. Eventually everybody has to sleep some time I hope.  Thank you for all your both kind and wise comments.  I guess  I'm just getting tired of everything being a struggle, everything is always sad, painful, nothing but doom and gloom. Instead of looking at life as something to be celebrated, looked forward to, and cherished, I see it as something I have to "get thru" everyday. Always telling Kira at the end of each day that I am one day closer to being with her.  

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sandy how frightening to see your daughter with those symptoms, glad it was a migraine. Most people do not realise how severe and debilitating migraines can be and the symptoms do resemble a stroke in some cases. i am sorry about your brother you are right cancer sucks and it seems to affect more people now than ever before. I guess partly because we are diagnosing earlier but I am convinced it is related to pollution too, air and water pollution particularly.

somersky that was a sign. Somethings cannot be explained  but we know the truth. White feathers are also a sign from beyond. Just smile and know your Skylar is still within you and around you. For the others of you who have had signs enjoy them it shows we are still connected although in different worlds.

laurie i am so glad you finally got some proof public proof stating what happened so everyone will know the truth. it does not change things but you fought hard for that truth and your son  and family deserves it.

kate thanks for sharing about your husband's cancer battle it must be so hard. Your words were beautiful and honest and eloquent. I am not afraid of dying now. Since tommy passed my feelings on so many things have changed. i try to be positive and enjoy the little things but still feel joy has gone out of my life and life is still a struggle. maybe in time i will be grateful for my life but I would rather swap with someone who really wants to live. You can donate organs but not souls.

brandonsmom yes you will be raw for a long time my friend I am sorry to say. It feels like an agonising open wound throbbing with pain, and even when it begins to heal over the pain in the scar remains. We are all scarred from our losses and it takes a long time to heal but together we can help each other through the bad times and celebrate when someone makes it through the grief journey and is able to find their life again. That is something we should all strive for, to make our children's memory meaningful and acknowledge the importance they made in our life but be able to find a life without them being able to be at peace with their death and succeeding for their sake and the rest of our families. That is a tough ambition I know and in the first few years seems an impossible feat but take heart from those who are closer to realising that goal and just know it is possible.

louann I get you. That is what depression does to you it grinds you down and takes away many pleasures in life. I do not wish to be with Tommy now although for a long time I did. I accept I am supposed to be here but the reason is not clear, except for having time with my family of course. I feel that i am just existing a lot of the time too but maybe that is part of the big picture. I was there for my daughter's graduation, she is now living with me for a few months before saving enough money to move out again, it is my Xmas this year so I am supposed to be there for that too. We are supposed to be here for the little things and the big things in other people's lives to make a mark. Gradually one day with a lot of hard work and therapy i think we can all finally reach the point where we can enjoy being alive. It is quicker for some than others and often seems to be impossible but all things are possible I guess you need to have faith in yourself and be able to push past negativity knowing you are worthwhile and deserve to be freed from the prison of grief. We cannot bring them back but we can all try to make peace here and you have been stuck in a loop for way too long now. free yourself and continue with the progress you are making you are doing great. Insomnia is a bugger and definitely does not help mental health. Research online for things others have found helpful. I take sleeping meds but was diagnosed with a sleep disorder years and years ago after having severe Lyme disease.

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Lesley, your post hit the nail on the head. Perfectly worded. It took me ages to be able to reach this point. With the help of some dear people on this site and determination I am now at the point of living again. I won't sugar coat it. It take so much effort. There are many ups and downs and some days it is extremely overwhelming. Slowly the raw pain and hurt starts to lift. We learn to rebuild and reshape our lives around our loss. I see that the Emmy awards are on this evening. Handmaids Tail, by Margaret Atwood has become a real hit in Britain I see. BBC and CBC have made another TV series called Alias Grace which is another Atwood novel. A great story. I read it years ago and felt it would make a good movie. The Crown appears to be in the lead for awards. I really enjoyed that series. I bet your daughter is enjoying her new car. How is the job going? It's nice to have her with you for now isn't it?

Dianne, I agree if I owned a farm every last animal would be named! Probably a sheep or alpaca farm for the wool or something like that.

Georgina, how are things? 

LouAnn, when I was eleven years of age my best friend was diagnosed with an inoperable heart ailment. Most likely today with the advances in heart research she would be alive had it happened in this day and age. We are talking many years ago. The days that kids played outside and did not have all of the technical toys to pass time with. We spent the summers at our cottage and my friend had the cottage directly across from ours. Together with another girl we set up a wooden wagon that we fitted up with cushions and pillows and we pulled her everywhere we went on that wagon. We were not allowed to go too far, but we sure did have fun and found a lot of fascinating things to do and talk about. Sort of like the movie Stand By Me. I watched as her health deteriorated over those weeks. It seemed impossible that God would allow anyone so young to die. My own grandmother had passed away that year and it followed logic as she was in her eighties. That makes sense to a girl of eleven. But this...was unfathomable. She passed away on December 5th of that year and we were in shock. Her mother fell into a deep depression. They also had three other older girls at home. She could not focus on anything other than Michele's death. Sadly, after a period of time she took her life. I saw how those three girls suffered. It was just horrible. I do not blame her mom... as she was in such deep despair. But what I do wonder now is why the heck did she not reach out for help? It was there. There was a stigma to depression. Her pride took precedence over her children.  Michele was dead and her other girls were very much alive and needing their mom. Grief takes a huge amount of work. Just coping at the beginning is a huge effort. But today there are more resources out there that did not exist in those days. Qualified people that are trained to help ease some of this pain we are shouldering. Your kids need you as does your husband. You deserve a life... indeed a day... without worrying about Kira. She is gone and you can not bring her back by constantly thinking about her. Moving forward with your life does not mean you are leaving her behind and her memory will be forgotten. We all know we will never forget them. We carry them in our hearts in a very special place. There will always be the triggers over the years that cause that ache...special occasions, etc. But we will find that the memories that are too painful at the beginning will bring us comfort as time passes. Let your daughter's light shine by honouring her memory in living as fully and happily as you can. I can tell you for certain that she would want that for you. Your boys and husband need that for you. One day at a time. 

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Morning everyone.  I'm at work and cannot keep my mind on it.  I turned my music on.  Not sure that was a good idea.  I switched to the playlist my son made for me.  Too quiet in here otherwise.  If I think about Kiona, I walk around with, I feel, a very sad longing face.  I don't want stop thinking about her.  I don't think I could if I tried.  I still wearing the necklace with her and her organ donation bracelet.  I do still carry and sleep with the little container of her ashes. 

I didn't make it to the Walk of Hope.  I don't sleep so any rest I can get, I try to get.  I haven't sought out another law firm yet for her wrongful death case.  I do want to ask the other law firm what were the reasons behind not taking it on? Was it because they are too far from me and it is too high of a risk being that far away? I don't know. One of my nieces wants to start a scholarship fund for freshman of the Tech school Kiona was attending.  It is a slow process and no one we reach out to wants to help.  There is a MADD chapter here, but the lady in charge of that isn't very polite and doesn't provide much in resources for us.  We will get there though, I have faith.  

I can't remember if I posted this before but I'll say it again, I am jealous of my parents.  I know, or think they will get to be with her again sooner than I will and that tears me up.  I feel too that I am just getting by day to day in hopes that it all ends soon.  This breaks my heart, if it can break anymore, that I feel this way because of my son.  I will not put him through anymore than he has been and I will not put my parents or the rest of my family through this anguish.  I have to keep telling myself that wherever Kiona is, is better than here, but not the same.  I have to believe that even though we will be together again, it isn't going to be or feel the same as it does on earth.  That helps me in a way.

I don't think I have seen or felt much of her presence around.  I found a brown feather one day on the passenger side window of my son's car.  I couldn't find much about a brown feather.  I put it in the necklace of Kiona's that he has hanging on his rearview mirror.  

I suppose I better get back to work.  I hope everyone has a good day and stays safe

hugs and love to all

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I am sending this song to all the parents on this site...past and present....who have walked in my shoes....share common ground...have wept with me...and have applauded my good blessings...hands reaching out to me with care and compassion....with a depth of empathy from only a parent that has lost a child can give...you celebrate with me the births of my new little men....that were born after losing our John David....you knowing what a miracle I feel. We share what I call a connected relationship...what connects us is the tragic passing of our child/children.....and then...how we can relate to each other to help us through another day. I hope this song can bring a glimmer of hope in your heart.

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Tearsinheaven, thank you so much for finding that for me. Brought me to tears. The feather also had nothing missing, no damage. Just seemed to be gently lying on the rubber part of window. Almost stuck between window and the seal. I remember it vividly. I'll have to share that with my son. He seemed non chalant (spelling) about it, though it still in her necklace. 

We are debating on moving into a rental house. Just depends if the landlord will allow us to have my son's cat he named a name kiona had picked out for her child. This would give us more privacy and room. It's also cheaper than where we are

Love and hugs

Tina

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Tinay this is why we have all been guided to this forum to meet parents who can offer comforting words to each other. I am glad Kiona sent you a sign it helps to have an affirmation doesn't it? Hope you find an accomodating rental so you can keep your cat. My cat is such a comfort to me as I usually live by myself and animals offer total unconditional love. tommy adopted a stray cat when he lived in Hawaii and the family he lived with kept him and call him Tommy's cat, he gives them comfort too. It does not matter that you did not make it to the walk of hope we all do what we can when we can as best as we can. The uncertainty over the lawsuit must weigh on your mind so much. How frustrating to not have resolution and the truth come out for all to see. I hope you can find someone to take it on but please remember not to put yourself in financial difficulty to prove a point, Kiona just wants her family to be ok. Your comment about being jealous of your parents because they will see your girl before you was thought provoking. having thought it over myself i concluded that I will be ok with that happening when it does. We still have stuff to acheive here on this earth before our time comes naturally, like you I have no clue as to what i am supposed to acheive here but I guess in time it will become apparent. This right now is the worst time ever it will slowly get easier as we relearn to cope and live. Never forget that Kiona is always with you by your side every single day and night ,you just cannot see her, so you are not totally separated from her it is like a long distance relationship between two worlds and you will see her again just not yet.

dianne how sweet of you to find the meaning of brown feathers for tinay she needed that information so much. 

mermaidtears love the John Denver song sometimes lyrics have a message.

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Dianne, I love the feather information...so sweet of you to look into that.

Laurie, I hope that your trip to Holy Hill fuels your hearts.

Susan, what a lovely song, I hope that we all can join in on such a song, on such a meaning. Love the photo of you and John David.

Tina, I hope that you and your Son can move if that offers a better place for you both. Remember that you are still new on this road, you and your Boy, so be kind to yourselves and reach out whenever you can for the assistance needed. I wish you some rest.

Lesley, good to see you here too, reaching out and helping wherever possible.

Kate, your story about looking at life from a new angle is important, thanks for sharing it.

Today i took the Grandies to the local Nature Museum, where there was a gathering about monarch migration. There were many little areas of interest, caterpillars to look at and all sorts of things to see and do. We had fun. It was hot and muggy and I felt wiped out by the time we got home. I will try to remember some wise words that an author I was reading wrote about anger after we lose someone...she said it well, something saying that when we get angry, we have something that we feel we can control.

 

Becky, Shannon, Sandy, Leah, Gretchen, and all the wonderful Parents and Grandparents we don't see often, we are thinking of you.

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Tinay.....you are in the first year of your grief journey....when I was in my first year.....4 plus 4 did not equal 8....up was down....down was up.....I felt shattered...and splattered...held together by just my skin.....please be very kind to yourself and son....hold hands on this journey....

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I won't be leaving town and quitting my job. The place is just across town. I have been fighting the urge to leave town and start somewhere new. I know I can't just yet. I know the loss will follow me but the reminder of that morning with the cops at my door is too much some days. Weird thing is, my son and I were driving home the other day and I couldn't help but look at the lawns with flower beds and porches yearning for that. Then a co-worker approached me about her house. Seems like a sign to me but I've have friends and I am praying that God sends me in the right direction. Lord knows I can't make decisions anymore. 

I am still shattered. Mermaidtears-i am every thing you said and then some. I cry at the drop of a hat, I don't cry at the drop of a hat. Though it seems this past week I have been teary eyed all the time. Not just here and there. It's ALL the time. That's why I think I'm coming down with a cold but there are no other symptoms. I don't have allergies. 

Well I'm off work and home. Not sure what to do, lay down, continue with crafts for Christmas. I'm outside and hearing the helicopter fly around. It's the town just across the bridge bi-centennial and they are giving helicopter rides. That would be fun but....75.00 a ride. Now come on. I can see that for the Hills but here. Nope not gonna. Ok 

Oh and wouldn't you know it, my crown fell off my tooth. Was just sucking/biting on a Nips and boom. I go to dentist tomorrow. Hopefully that won't cost me an arm and a leg. Oh well

Ok I'll stop rambling. Have a good evening everyone and thank you all so much for your support and kind words. 

Love and hugs

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Ok guys a weird and wonderful thing happened to me today, a definite sign from beyond. I went and had a cup of tea with my sister and as i limped along the street i saw a £5 note just lying on the ground. I looked all around to see anyone who could have dropped it either from a parked car or just out walking and there was absolutely no one around anywhere. I picked it up and began walking back to my sister's house to tell her and a breeze blew another note toward me  as i reached her gate, this time a £10 note!! It blew my mind I can tell you. I gave it to her and asked her to check with the neighbours to see if anyone had lost any money as i would hate someone to be missing it, I know i would be upset if I had. She told me to take it  and promised  she would ask around and let me know so I could return it to its owner. We both checked the whole street out again and there was still no one around.  I think it was Tommy helping me out as things are very tough for me financially as i am on disability and my daughter has moved back home after university and has had no luck in finding employment yet. How strange is that? I know £15 ( just over $20) is not a lot, but to me that really helps out with the food bill. I still can't explain it but it certainly put a smile on my face and I looked up, blew a kiss and said "Thanks Tommy, you made my day!" just wanted to share, I know I am crazy ,I have a psychiatrist who can prove it!! but to all of you on this forum,  just know that our kids are still always with us watching over us.

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tinay....please ....'self care'.....the first year (for me) was paralyzing..crippling with the heavy dark sorrow and sadness. I thought if I could just 'sit and think and think and sit' I would be able to figure it 'all out'. Here I am in my 5th year....and I learned...there is simply no answers...but....I  have achieved a balance. Yes...there will be many days when the tears flow and flow...or the tears will be right on the brink of spilling over. It is all normal. I had no energy....my mind was completely foggy....and now that I look back...I can see I was on 'Auto-Pilot'.....I hope you find a place to live that is cheaper....to help with the finances..give you some wiggle room. You are still blessed...you have your boy. Honor each other...pray for each other....hold hands to help steady each other.

Lesley.....I love it. I would certainly take it as a sign....and only you know the 'timing' was perfect.

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My girl is in heaven

Lesley. What a wonderful sign from tommy. How could that be anything else but from your precious boy helping his mama out.  I'm glad u had a little ray of sunshine today. And remember if I ever win the lottery, your first on my list.  You are right about the depression grinding you down. The change to the fall season has really pulled me into a hole.  I think I will be better once a few weeks have passed and I am in sync with signs of fall.  

Tina.  Thank you so much for reaching out to me even as you are suffering your own hell. Sorry it has taken me awhile to get back to you. I know your feeling of wanting to get a new start at a different place. I moved 7 months after Kira died as she passed in our house and just did not think I could walk by those rooms. I have had second thoughts about this decision and yes it follows you where ever u go but I think in the long run just a change in scenery for everyone's sake was the better thing to do.  Also I have no desire to ever see anyone again from that town, her school, I don't want any more triggers than I already have. Were u able to get some help with your groceries. It must be so hard to not having had time off work to grieve.  If you want to email me your address I can send you some  visa gift cards and help you out a bit now and then. Your on my list too if I win the lottery. Remember I am always here for you to call email text anytime. You have almost got six months in, keep going for your precious son who needs his mama more than ever now.

kate  thank you for sharing your story of your friend. I too was able to justify my grandparents passing , but children are a whole different story. Yes if we chose to wipe ourselves out we are out of our pain but to chose to put our other children through a funeral of that magnitude is simply just not the right thing to do. I think I know that it's just sometimes you want the hurt to go away so bad. How long does Ross have to have his treatment for?  Did he watch the preseason Vancouver/vegas game yesterday? Toronto and Ottawa are on tonight at 730. The summer went so fast. It just seems like yesterday I was lamenting about having to wait til October. Thank you for your kind and so wise words.

 Somersky.  Am so glad you got that phone call from your son. Way too much of a coincidence to be anything else but a sign.  My youngest son lives in London and we get our groceries there so am there at least a few times a week.  I know you don't really know me but if your daughter needed anything I would help out.  

Dianne and dee  thank you for pointing out some very important things to me.  Sometimes I just want to scream no more, no more. The intensity of the grief sometimes is just so overwhelming.  As I mentioned with the change of the seasons for some reason has hit me very hard.  Thanks again for your compassion.

 

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Lesley, wonderful sign of Tommy helping out his Mum and Sis. I love that you felt his message. Sweet Boy.

I wish us all deep sleep tonight, the kind that allows some repair.

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My girl is in heaven

Hey Tina. There seems to be a lot of us with sleeping problems.  I cant believe I just went thru another night with no sleep.  U would think the body would give in after awhile.  I know it's hard but try not to torture yourself by dates and times.  Every year they come and go and torment us. Hope u don't have to work today. Maybe we will both flake out on the couch at some point. Hold your head high you are half way thru that very difficult first year. 

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So here in the UK the Fall is here. Weather colder, the evenings coming in earlier, blanket added to my bed, squirrels gathering their food etc. I struggle with the fall and winter especially mainly because of the shorter days and low sunlight, with even lower energy levels and lower mood. I have my blue light for SAD which really helps. Also the plants stop flowering and my garden goes to sleep it is like everything dies. However I know the plants are just hibernating and will come back fresh in the spring it just seems like such a long time. Wish I could hibernate too. Still today is a sunny one so i will go and help my elderly aunt by cutting back her garden and then work on my own. helping others does feel good.

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Hi Lou Ann,

I did stop with the timing of things but seems the past couple of weeks it has come back to haunt me. Out of no where I wake up or something happens and I look at the clock and oh..look what time it is. No I don't work today. I do the scheduling so I schedule myself Tuesday's off. 

My son and I drove by the house we might rent. Holy huge yard. It is welcoming and felt comforting. With winter coming, we will have about 2 months max to enjoy it if we are able to rent it. 

Well I'm going to lay back down and hopefully I can fall asleep and sleep past that dreadful time my son received the call to wake me. Though with it on my mind, I doubt I will. Still going to try

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Ricky's mom , Wendy

20170723_090101.thumb.jpg.cec142b9d28ef41e6a00fa735c7ac9e4.jpgRicky's Birthday was yesterday and emotions are still a roller coaster.  My baby will forever be 23 in my heart, but he would've turned 25 yesterday.  My daughter and grandson showed up at the cross for the first time since he passed.  We had a small birthday party on the side of the highway for him and released balloons.  20170918_194326.thumb.jpg.0dccf14e203d7cb80771283a29d8e41c.jpg20170918_195658.thumb.jpg.1854219d0b7348e8487b179e358f9073.jpg20170918_194131.thumb.jpg.c3e8eb8fcf8899861271141f1bfd830c.jpg20170918_192155.thumb.jpg.b39dd3e2babe919a1a6b8556191c56aa.jpg20170918_193310.thumb.jpg.f5719eadcb4b8e6d88b41e8bc52ed2cb.jpg

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Wendy......what an awesome and loving gathering....even though it is one of those birthdays without smiles....it looks as if you pulled yourself together and created a circle of joy in remembering. We find that we can do some super human Mommie things when it comes to honoring our child...and helping the siblings learn to overcome great tragedy....we teach them how to combine grief and honor in such a way that they will take those lessons into their future and be stronger for it...instead of damaged by it.

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Susan, I like that screen shot of protecting ones heart. Indeed.

Autumn begins this Friday at 3:02, but it will be nearly 90 degrees outside... holy crap! My classroom is hot on a cool day so this week is kind of hard, today manageable, but tomorrow and Thursday and Friday...less so since this room is 10 degrees warmer than the outdoors. After many days of heat, it really is bad. Oh well, at least we had a nice cool start to the school year, one week of heat is far less than what we usually have.

Lesley, the lack of light gets to me as well. The third graders record the sunrise and sunset each day so that we see how much sunlight we lose and then gain again. It really helps them understand the seasons and the angle of the Earth's rotation.

Tinay, fingers crossed that you and your Son can move to the nice place with the big yard. I so hope so. As far as sleep...heaven knows that the first year was a crap-shoot as far as sleep, some nights yes, many nights not so much...the second year was similar but a bit better...I have always had bouts of insomnia in my life, but it definitely got a lot worse when we lost Erica. I always have a good book on my nightstand and read and read to immerse myself in someone elses' story when I can't sleep.

 

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Wendy, God Bless as you faced another birthday...and God Bless Ricky and all the folks he loves...nobody can take that away. Happy Heavenly Birthday Ricky. I am glad that your family came together in his name.

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Prayers for all those in the wake of Hurricane Maria and for the sudden horrid loss of life in Mexico yesterday. Our Angels are busy helping out...

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The destruction is overwhelming here in Texas....it is hard for me to wrap my mind what is going on and the destruction left behind after Maria.....I pray that they find all the ones who are trapped before an after shock hits....

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Tina and LouAnn-----I so hope that some restful and restorative sleep will come

your way tonight. Sleeplessness is a terrible drain on the health.  Peace to you.

 

Thanks to everyone for the lovely pics that you posted. Really enjoy them.:)

 

HAPPY   HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY...........RICKY........ANGEL  IN  HEAVEN.

Wendy-----Thinking of you.  Peace.

 

Dee----Yikes....hot weather....it's the same here. It is to be close to 90 degrees over

the weekend.  I sure hope it becomes much more temperate there, so that your

classrooms are tolerable for you, the other teachers, and of course .....the kids.

 

Dianne----Thank you for your post.....very helpful.

 

Susan-----Thank you for the poem to shield our hearts.  Many "arrows"  come flying

at the parent who has lost a child/children, but we have to try to deflect them with

whatever shields we can use along the way on this lousy road.

 

Georgina-----How are you?  Sending prayers.

 

Kate-----Thinking of you and sending prayers. Thank you so much for the writing on "Time"

All so true.  

 

WISHING   PEACE   AND  COMFORT  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom......sherry

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My girl is in heaven

Wendy. What a lovely tribute to your son.  I always find birthdays particularly difficult to get thru.  I hope you felt him near to you on that special day.  

Lesley and dee.  I am so with you on the dark and dreary days upon us.  I feel like someone has thrown a blanket over my head and I'm desperately searching to see some light.  It just seemed to come up so fast this year.  Last winter was the worst time we have had in six years. Of course part of that was me coming off all of those pills and finally facing reality.  Canadian winters are dark and depressing enough even for the happy people.  Lol. Right Kate? But it was right at the end of winter and I was at the bottom of the hole when I stumbled across this web site. I can't help but wonder how I was led here.  I'm glad I won't have to be on my own this winter and I have all of you guys.  And of course the pre season games have started so I sure can live with that.  So dee and Dianne, your Blackhawks fans right?  

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Luann

living in Wisconsin, we know winter.  Scott and I started walking in the malls.  It is easy walking and we window-shop along the way.  It does take self control to not spend money.

love Colleen, Brians Mom forever 

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The four seasons of the year are clearly distinct where I live. Each season has its own particular characteristics and its own attractions. Its easy to enjoy the warmth of summer and the freshness of spring...but winter has its values too. Though winters can be long and cold...the clear crisp fresh air, rich blue skies and brilliant sunshine are more prevalent than many other parts of the world. The night sky can show a profusion of brilliant stars and beautiful displays of aurora. Clean white snow adorns branches and snowdrifts sometimes become works of art and they form unique sculptures. It also provides an opportunity to get outside to skate, ski, hike, snowshoe, toboggan, and on those particularly cold days to stay inside and keep active. Take a class for general interest. Go to a workout studio...take yoga or another form of exercise. Keep busy and socially interactive. Volunteer, form a book club, the possibilities are endless. It is amazing how quickly the days pass in winter. Saskatchewan and Alberta had a horrible winter last year. Ontario suffered from freezing rain. But little if any snow. We had one of the warmest winters on record. Given what the rest of the world is experiencing I count my blessings.

Thanks to all for sharing your pictures. Wendy, as hard as it was to mark that special day you did such a beautiful job. 

Susan, thanks for the pictures.

Dianne...my goodness and a hockey baby for sure. She is such a cutie. 

The leaves of the aspen are glowing vibrantly against a brilliantly blue sky with the stems of the leaves flattened vertically causing them to shiver or tremble in the breeze. The colours of the leaves are just spectacular this morning. It is a good day to get outside and start my winter preps in my gardens. Thinking of everyone today and sending warm wishes.

Kate

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I agree Kate everyone's photos are lovely ,to be proud of for sure. Seeing the next generation grow is a blessing.

wendy your pictures were a testament to your love for Ricky.

colleen mall walking is a great idea. Unfortunately i cannot walk far as my ankle is still unhealed. My next surgery is in Jan.

sherry wish our UK weather was warmer but Fall is here now. I put a blanket on my bed and in a few weeks I will put my electric blanket on too.

mermaidtears it will take a long time to rebuild and regroup after the hurricane and flooding etc. On the news more earthquakes in New Zealand japan  Mexico and Italy a very worrying trend. The loss of life and destruction loss of power etc is appalling. I hope this is it now and there won't be a "big" one elsewhere I guess california is on alert. it is really scary isn't it?

I hope everyone gets through the rest of the week and gets some downtime at the weekend.

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Dianne, those photos are precious...so adorable. Your handsome husband has eyes like your Son it seems. AND that BABY-GIRL? Pure beauty and goodness. Thanks for sharing on this miserably hot day. It is 100 in my classroom, we are going to go downstairs to a cooler hallway and do math. Wish us luck.

Sherry, the heat is so terrible...isthe school your Daughter works at air conditioned?

Susan, let me know what is still needed for folks in Texas...I will let the student council know if they raise funds where to send them. In the meantime, we have some letters kids wrtoe to send to Irma survivors (kids)...any address you know that would be cheered by this?

 

 

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Oh I love winter, like Kate, the season offers so much beauty...I don't like giving up the daylight that comes with it, but I love the cold and the snow, I only hope that Chicago has an old fashioned winter as we used to have.

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Hi Everyone,

I just want to say I'm feeling a little bitter today.  It is 6 months today that my daughter Kiona has been gone.  Family members and a couple of her friends are posting on facebook how they miss her.  I get they do, but they will never understand my anguish.  I know everyone is dealing with it their own way and she touched so many lives.  One of my nieces is asking for kiona's signature for a pendant thing for her bridal bouquet.  Couldn't she have asked another day?  Maybe it is her way of telling me she is thinking of Kiona.  My bitterness comes in to where I don't want to give her anything.  She backed away from me and only talks to me regarding her wedding.  I gave it to her because that's how I am.  No grudges.  I've expressed my hurt feelings and she never responds to them.  Letting go.....letting go......I just had to get that out there and not hold it in. Maybe today is a day that I don't need to talk to anyone....so broken, so anguished, I want to turn back the time, I want to see her, I want to hear her voice, hear her laugh.  I MISS HER SO DAMN MUCH

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Tina, it is still early days for you along this journey. Lash out all you want...I sure did. It is normal to ride this roller coaster of emotions. I know you miss her...as we all do our own child. Some days are just so darned crappy to be honest. No tolerance for flippant comments from others. Just remember that the only way they can honestly understand is to go through it. I would not wish it on anyone! Hang in there. 

We had a supplement in our local paper this morning regarding aging and keeping fit. I am on a roll! They say that sitting is the new smoking these days. As crazy as it sounds studies have shown that a sedentary lifestyle can have as huge an impact on your health as smoking cigarettes. If you have a chronic condition such as arthritis... obesity... or depression... exercise has been shown to mitigate the effects in a vast majority of people suffering from these problems.  "Participaction" is what it is all about apparently. With winter about to hit it is a great idea to make some plans for your own space and time to do something healthy for yourself.  They even have chair exercises for people that can not follow the usual form of exercise. Grab a SAD lamp if needed and get down to it.

Dee and Diane...sorry to hear about the heat. How strange to have those kind of temps at this time of year. I sure hope taking the kids downstairs helped to cool them off. Diane, again...that picture of your hubby and precious little grandaughter is so sweet. 

Well, after my post it clouded over. We had a little sprinkle of rain and now the sun is again shining. Go figure. 

Georgina, how are you coping? Leah? Becky? Everyone struggling with health and life issues. Sending love...Kate 

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Dee....let me do some 'thinking/asking'.....you teach 3rd grade? What a touching gesture.

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Tina, the 6 month mark found me in quite a pool of tears. I remember that I had all of Erica's friends over for dinner, they were still home from college, and that day a gift arrived, it was from my former SIL, Erica's godmom...a lovely silver disk with Beautiful Daughter written in Chinese, and hanging on chain.So there I was that day, surrounded by lovely girls/women, who came to make a mark on the 6 month anniversary and a gift from Eri's Godmom. I was touched and grateful for the outpouring and I count myself as lucky to have it. I still wear the necklace at all times, day and night and I still talk with Erica's friends on a fairly regular basis. It sounds to me that your people don't know how to discuss the loss and how it has affected their lives and hearts, but that they are making ways to acknowledge the Girl that they miss. Having Kiona's signature for the wedding sounds like a lovely way to have her cousin with her in the wedding. So I see that your Girl is being thought of and remembered...and I know that I have expressed this to others many years ago, but folks that are young like your niece and Kiona's friends, live in a different place...they live in a world that moves to a different pace and grief is something that looks and feels different than on those even 10 years older. They will one day be able to speak to how this sadness affected their lives, but often times, Kids/Young Adults, cannot express themselves on grief as they have not yet processed it. Hang on my friend, this new life is filled with little parts that cause you to react in ways you may never have reacted. It is all part of the new normal that you will find. Be easy on yourself for now...the way Kiona would want for her Mom.

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tinay like my wise friends said so eloquently before the early days are so very hard. I think we were all angry and bitter because we resented others having their children and ourselves feeling punished somehow for having one of ours brutally ripped away. At any special occasion thereafter it is normal to feel bitter and angry because we want what we cannot have and because we are forced into a painful position no parent would ever want to be in. It is important to recognize people grieve differently and also know that over time your own feelings and ractions will slowly mellow as you adjust to life without Kiona. That does not mean you will stop grieving for her that is a lifetime action it means as time goes by you gradually come to terms with some aspects of her loss. That as some of us know takes years but if you put in the work to grieve properly with help it will come. Someone told me yesterday that grief can be resolved more or less in 5 to 10 years but I do not know how that could be quantified as it is an individual thing and depends so much on the type of loss and whether there is a long running courtcase etc or not. Just know that this is a safe place for you to scream and rant and let every emotion and thought out, we are here for you.

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Laurie, thank you for sharing your photo of the shrine at Holy Hill. When you are able please tell us the story about the shrine. 

Very busy weekend shaping up. I woke up this morning to a beautiful sky. Blue with rosy pink and fluffy white clouds. The leaves are just breathtaking.

Words fail me after watching the news last night and seeing the level of destruction that the hurricanes and earthquake have caused. My heart goes out to so many that have had their lives turned upside down in a moment. Prayers for strength to the families of those lost. To see people gathering from various corners of the world to help with the clean up was very moving. Amongst all of this we saw the goodness of the human spirit rising up to help their own fellow man.

Dee and Diane...I sure hope that this heat will soon cool down for you to be able to enjoy your weekend. 

Love to ALL for a very peaceful day.

Kate  

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so frustrated again...  JaBoa's mom got busted for Meth... she was here for a little bit, and left with Sena and her son....   and now my grandchildren are stuck in foster care and I don't know what to do for them.  I know I can take care of Sena, but not sure I could for her brother, he is so much younger.  I just had Sena last spring when she had gotten busted...  and now again...   I am sick to my stomach....   The social workers let her talk to me for about an hour on the phone..   how I wanted to hug her and tell her it will be ok.  At least they are keeping them together for the weekend, after that I don't know what they will do.  JaBoa's angel date is coming so fast...   I miss her so much...  when time was good.. and we didn't go into this Fall hell we are in.  How long can kids keep putting up with life like this..   Wish I were younger and healthier..   but its just wishes.. wish JaBoa was here...   doesn't make it happen...  sorry... I am sitting alone and nobody to vent to...   

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rlolheiser how old are your grandkids? It must be such a difficult time for you with jaboa's angel date coming up and the fear over your grandkids future. maybe jaboa's mom is acting out her pain in a negative way believing that drugs will numb her reality and help her cope with her loss which we all know is overwhelming. It is so sad that her other children will pay the price for her actions, I hope there is a way to keep them together and ensure a safe and happy place for them to be in. This is a good place for you to vent your frustrations disappointment and anger because it appears you have little control in what happens to the kids at this time until something semi permanent is sorted out. I also hope that Jaboa's mom realises the seriousness of her actions and manages to straighten herself out before she loses her kids, it is those little innocents who are being punished for something they had no control over either, bless them. They need a sober Mom to give them what they need to thrive.

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Tommy's mum, thank you for your kind words.  Sena is 15 and Travis is 8.   Both of them have lived so much of their lives away from their mom.  Their fathers are not in the picture, they too have drug problems.  Sena was in the accident that killed JaBoa and has been going through so much herself.   I talk to her all the time on facebook and phone.  This last couple years she has had a difficult time.  She told me she is remembering so much about the accident (she was only 4) she wasn't hurt and it is hard for her to understand why she didn't die instead of her sister.  I think it is survivors guilt, put that along with the hormones of a 15 year old girl and she is having a difficult time.  I have tried to tell her mom she is not doing well, but I don't think it has helped.  It is frustrating when you can't do something.  I let her talk to me, and encourage her to talk to school counselors but I don't think she does.  I think she is afraid it will hurt her mother.  Travis is in my heart too.. we haven't been as close as I would have liked as the father hates me, and deliberately kept him from me for a time.  The last few times the mom was in trouble, I was to sickly to do for him, where it was easier to care for the older one that could do some things for herself.

I just feel like a failure.. and I know deep down I didn't do anything.. just really hurts to hear the little voices talking to me telling me they want to come be with me.  I hope something can work out..   As for my daughter..   I don't know what I can do for her, I am so angry with her right now.  I always try to be open and honest, and talk about her drug problems and offer support and encourage her to talk to somebody when the desire for Meth comes on.  I know it is hard to be an addict...   Right now I want to scream at her...  somedays it has been so hard to even look at her cause I question so much about the accident..  They didn't do anything to her after it and I know she is tortured..  Its that accident..  it changed me totally..  I lost so much of me that day and putting me back together has been hit and miss and sometimes the pieces didn't go the right way and I have to restart...  Again I am sorry..   it is a bad time for this to happen..   my boy is with his dad for the weekend out of town and it is just so quiet.

 

I know there are so many here with new losses.. and the many who have been traveling this road for so very long.  We all look for the answers, and sadly can't find them all the time..  just aren't any I guess.  My heart remains faithful to prayers for you..  hopes for you...  tears for you..   thank you for listening to me...    

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