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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Georgina, my goodness, it is just too too much and for that, I am terribly sad, and wish that i could come help out around your home. Get your husband to the hospital, get your Daughter a new car, make sure that you are following through on all of your doctor appointments...make some tea and sip with you as small plans are made for James' angelverssary. That you have to face so much right now is crazy, but keep on 'keepin' on Georgina, somehow you will find a day in the future where there is a bit of calm. And you will grow the calm eventually, but it isn't now with all that has befallen your family. Everyone here will send massive prayers and I hope in that you feel the upsweep of angel wings, holding you and nesting you in their love.

Kym, as far as friends and family, let them know that you will not go a day without talking about your Child, let folks know that you would love to be able to not only hear HIS name, but that you need to use his name. Sometimes that heads-up is what sets the tone for those who love you and helps them go forward with more ease. We let folks know that hearing our Child's name is music, that it cannot hurt us to hear their name, that the hardest times happened, so if I cry when you say her name, it isn't that you hurt me with a memory, it is a joy to hear her name, those tears are from that.

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My girl is in heaven

I just want to thank you for all your recent posts and support. You guys continue to amaze me how you jump in each and every time somebody's in need. I continue to read them over and take away so much from all of you. This shift, this change that has come about is really scaring me. It was born out of my desire to help my husband in hopes to take a step forward so that our sons will be able to see thier parents at least partially regain a bit of life. Cause all they have seen in six years is thier once strong, proud parents waste away into oblivion. Two very old, tired and beaten down people. But even though it sounds good on paper and in thought to move forward, something feels so wrong here and i cant put my finger on it. Maybe i feel it is putting distance from Kira like im leaving her behind. Also i always feel more downward when a new season comes as it makes me think even more what would she be doing. I even went to home sense and bought a few new cushions and knick knacks for the house. We have gone out for lunch a few times but i go to the bathroom to wipe away the tears. I think taking a step out, finding little things to do and places to go is the right thing to do, if for no other reason than for our sons. Maybe it is just so hard to let go of a life of total, total misery for six years. I know exactly what my grief has in store for me tucked away in my black hole and not that its good but it is dependable now, wierdly comforting, and familiar. This new way of life , well i dont know really what it holds. Walking along the waters edge, stopping at a restaurant, decorating my house a bit...what is this. What kind of a mother goes into a store and buys a couple of new cushions in a colour of her chosing to place on her couch, when her daughter has died. How can i possibly justify this. And yet i know my husband cant help himself and it is not good for him to continue on like this. God im just like a rat in a maze, every direction i turn there is something there blocking my way, i cant find a way out of this that is a healthy outcome. Griefs call is getting louder and louder for me. God promises he will wipe away all the tears and there will be no more pain. Maybe you guys as you can stand back and look in can see what is going on here because for the life of me i cant. This might sound selfish of me but i just dont want to hurt anymore.

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Scottysmom---Kym-----I am so sorry for your loss of your dear son, Scotty.  Also, am

very sorry that you had to learn of his death in that manner......such a shock.  No one

wants to be a member of this site, but when tragedy strikes, and we lose our children,....

it is a comforting place to come, and to relate how we feel and all the other roller coaster

emotions that prevail and send one into despair.  Everyone at this site understands, firsthand,

these emotions, and the struggles to just survive and breath and face each day.  Please come

back and read/or post whenever you feel up to it.  You are so new to this terrible journey.....

please be kind to yourself.  Everyone who suffers the loss of a dear child/children is welcome

here.   Peace & comfort to you, Kym.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

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Good morning everyone. I hope all are safe. I'm sorry Kym for your loss. I lost my kiona on March 21st. I think my shock suit is wearing off and tear up every time I think of her. My son received a phone call at 7am on that Tuesday. He woke me telling me I needed to get dressed and answer the door. I found that weird only because I was dressed. I hit the floor when the officers told me. She was 3.5 hours away going to school. I couldn't and still don't want to believe she is gone. I've never questioned God as to why he took her. I think he gave her the choice know the events that took place. Now, I keep thinking, did he know she was going to die at this age when she was born? Not that if I knew, I wouldn't have had her. It would have happened regardless. This grief, this pain is unbearable at times, well most times. 

I am hoping to walk in The Walk of Hope come this Saturday. It's a suicide prevention walk. Even though I didn't lose my kiona to suicide, I have friends who have. One of them warned me that it gets pretty emotional and she said I might be too early in my grief to attend but welcomes me with open arms if I'm able to make it. 

I did get help from my family member and from a dear friend on here. Thank you so much. I posted my truck for sale on our Facebook sale site. My son told me to take it down. He will cover what I need. I'm so embarrassed by that. My 16 year old son shouldn't have to help me. But I did and will tuck my tail in and accept his help. 

I sit outside this morning in partial shade and sunlight. Waiting, wanting a sign she is near. I think I've been wanting those signs with too much force. I still sleep with her blankie, turtle pillow and a small container with some of her ashes in a small velvet bag. Little comforts I guess. I'm always spraying her blankets with her body spray, oh how she loved those. 

I think about the triggers, the things that bring us to tears. For me, it doesn't have to be anything about her, though after it happens, I search my memories about her and there is usually something about that trigger that does remind me of her. 

When I was going to sell my truck, I thought, kiona wouldn't care, she didn't like it anyways. When I got it, she thought it was too big for her to drive. She was 14 at the time. 

A couple months ago, I was going to take a week off from work and go home for Christmas. My birthday is December 22. Then the other day I was looking at the calendar and realized that on the 21st, she will have been gone 9months the day before my birthday. Now I'm not so sure I want to go home. I know isolating myself isn't good but sometimes that's all I can do. I do have that spot I sit in in my living room. When she was a baby, we bought a rocker recliner we put in her room. I still have that chair. That's the chair I sit in. 

I think I've made this long enough for now. I'm barely hanging on but I am. Thank you everyone for your support. Love you all

Tina

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LouAnn------I agree----the 'grief call' can enter at any time, and we just have to give

in to it, I guess.   I think that your shopping and getting little things to brighten the

rooms of your home is a good thing, although understandable how you feel that it

may be negative.  I, too, felt that way after my Davey died,....and Lisa too.  I felt I

was beginning to leave them in the past, somehow, by taking a small step forward.

But, of course, our sweet children would  want us to go on with life.  LouAnn, you are

doing what the grieving parent finds themselves doing......taking small steps to healing

and settling into the new life.....whatever that is.....after the devastating loss of a child.

Each of us must proceed in our own way.  There's no wrong way to grieve.......grief is

what it is.  It's exhausting and lonely at times.  I think that you are doing ok.  Just

keep coming back to BI.....everyone here cares about everyone else.  Peace,  my friend.

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Tinay------All the little things that we keep close are comforts & treasures

to a grieving parent.  Your daughter will always be close to you in spirit,

and in your sweet memories of her.   These little articles, and the memories

are in our hearts & souls;   and no one can take them away.  Sending thoughts & prayers. 

   Keep coming to BI where everyone understands.

 

Davey&Lisasmom.....Sherry

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Been a while since I posted.  I want to let you all know that I have read daily.  My heart is here all the time.  I read the new comers and my soul hurts for them.  I remember the beginning of my travels through this broken life.  I remember the day that I lost my JaBoa..  almost 11 years ago.  It is strange the memories I have from that day because I have lost many memories these past years.  The stress and sadness I let take over my life weakened the strong woman I was.  I put my life on hold through the sadness, especially when I took mom in after the accident, and then life just seemed to keep piling more and more heartache and I just didn't know what to do.  I went through the alcolhol, and over eating..   I stopped with the alcohol after a couple of people on this site talked with me and I am thankful, but I did not stop the over eating.  In fact I imagine that when mom passed 2 years ago I even ate more.  I became sick enough to call my family from out of state because they didn't think I was going to make it  but I fooled them all.  The dr told me that I was not going to live long, bad heart.. lungs.. and weighing in at 310 lbs at only 5"1/2" was going to kill me.  My husband and I separated.. and I wanted to continue to be a mother for my son who was only 12.  I started to prepare for weight loss surgery.  I knew it could kill me or help.  I left my trust to whatever happened.  I figured for me it was the good Lord...  and qualified for surgery on April 29th of this year.  Some complications with hernia led to a bowel blockage and more surgery on May 4th.  I was knocked down hard after that.  losing weight slowly I am down 109 lbs.. and still losing.  On July 18 I had to have another hernia surgery...   and all the surgeries have played havoc with my memory.  They call it brain trauma.  I am fighting hard to come back, so afraid that I won't.  Somedays I feel like the memories fade faster, except that day I lost my girl.  I play it back a lot.  It was the last kiss and hug I got from her.  The most horrendous memory of knowing something was wrong even before being called.  I guess I will keep that memory...  at least I see her and hear her voice.  Life has gone on with lots of dips of low and some high...  I have 3 great grand children.. and I enjoy them when I can see them.  I can't pick them up which saddens me.  It has been a joy for the oldest to talk with me about JaBoa even though he never met her... or did he.  He seems to know her.. and it doesn't bother him to talk about her.. I think that is great.  Other members of the family think it strange and maybe even psychotic.  I say who knows?  I can't second guess... I am just always glad to hear of her.  I talk about her..  I love her... she is one of my grandchildren even though I don't get to see her anymore.   My family is a mess...  I think I have finally gotten it through their heads I can no longer save them.  I see less of them all the time.  That is ok.  It gives me more time to care for my son who turns 14 this year.  I am half healthy and hoping for more.  He deserves more from me and his father...   I know JaBoa would be so happy with how he has turned out.  I owe a lot to her, cause her memory has helped me to grow.  Yes it is the grace of God I am still here... but it is the knowledge that I may get to see her again one day that I look forward to.

Grief is not our friend.. but we learn to live with it.   Somedays it hits hard like new.. and other days I can shake it off.  I hope I never forget the lessons learned, and somehow my family catches up to me and becomes more aware of life and live it to your fullest...  cherish it...   cherish our love and loved ones...  

 

Thank you to everybody here.  I continue to receive blessings by sitting silent.  Dee, Sherry, Kate Colleen, Susan, Gretchen..  so many I can't name...  I hope to continue reading for a long time and share from time to time that little girl (who would now be 21)  Thanks for letting this grandparent feel welcome in the midst of parents..   I love each and every angel and am in awe of the love you have for each of them.  They are proud of you

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Leah it is good to see you today. Yes, 11 years is long while, and so much happened in that time, but more than anything, I bet JaBoa is so proud of you for taking off the weight and learning how to be more healthy. Good for you. Keep it going Leah.

Luanne, , the thing in your way is your guilt...you cannot progress with such piercing blame and difficulty allowing yourself anything good in life. Buying a few colorful things to brighten the house is a good thing, not something to feel poorly about...ask yourself, what would Kira like and then go buy it. It may be just the ticket to feeling better but I would whole-heartedly urge you to talk to a doctor because you are living in such darkness and loss and you need some help digging out. I know you did not like your last doctor you spoke with and he loaded you with meds, but not all doctors are like that. You need to be with a grief counselor or in a support group to get you out of the house but also to help you see that nobody wants you to feel this way. Nobody least of all the Kids, want to feel unable to help lead you to a light filled life. You want to help your husband and in so doing you can help yourself, but you need help putting that guilt down. Would you want your Boys to take on this guilt? No? Then why are you taking it on?

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For some reason it took resetting my password to get back in and now I have to redo my profile?  Frustrating to say the Least. Oh well. 

I came in to say that I was doing ok earlier but took maybe a hour nap and now I feel it's to painful to think about her being gone. Hate when feelings change that much. I keep asking God for guidance. I'm either not getting it or just not open to his signs. I'm going to lay back down with my son. Hopefully I can find solace in that

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Tina, hold on with both hands. As you can see everyone here is standing by you. Good for you in supporting such a worthwhile cause. I'll be cheering you on.

Georgina, how are things holding up your way?

 Leah, it was so good to see your post. Albeit I am so sorry to hear about all of your health issues. Please stay in touch and let us know how things are going. 

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georgina I cannot believe all that is happening for you right now it must be like a hurricane of emotions anxieties and fears. All I can do is advise you to hang on with both hands and it will work itself out slowly. I am sorry you are having such a tough time, just know we are here to support and listen to you as friends.

Louanne glad you got out and wanted to buy house stuff. YOU GO GIRL!!! Kira would be pleased. I agree another doctor therapist or counsellor would be good for you maybe now you are finally ready to face what has happened and work through it step by step and come out the other side more healed. Maybe you were just not ready emotionally before but I see a strength in you slowly growing. It is time for both you and your husband to take your lives back. Your other kids need whole parents not broken ones who are afraid to face life again. You need to stop beating yourself up for being able to go out or enjoy something just because your daughter died. If every parent withheld any feeling of enjoyment or small success after losing their child the world would stop. Kira would want you to enjoy life and face a "normal" existence. She would want you to hear music and dance, she would tell you both to go out and visit places she would tell you to keep on living and not just existing wouldn't she? Keep on making those strides and be parents she can be proud of, proud that you faced the worst loss in the world and you dealt with it and be the parents your kids need you to be. If they only know broken parents how can they grow up healthy and strong minded able to face the cruel knocks that life gives out? Parents are role models for their families, just prove to them that life can go on after loss. if you don't want to hurt anymore then don't. each one of us is responsible for our own attitudes. Accepting that life goes on and that is ok is very important. Choose to keep on moving forward and do not be scared. We are here for you.

Tina i am glad you posted, there are a lot of parents who just read posts but take away something from doing so. It is not shameful to share hardships or particularly harsh times it shows we are all human and fragile in some ways but with an inner survival strength that helps us get through. I cannot advise you on faith because I am doing it solo but I am sure it gives you a sense of peace and sharing with another person. You are still so new in the grief journey of course it is agony to not have your daughter with you but just remember she is still with you, you just cannot see her for right now. She is watching and listening to you and I am sure her heart is proud when she sees you making it through day by day despite the hardships and willing you on as we all are. The walk of hope sounds good, too many lives are lost to suicide and any attempts to draw attention to or prevention is wonderful.

sherry kind and soothing words you help to make this site a welcome respite from negativity and despair even if only for a short while. Dee you too have words of comfort and advice also much appreciated. Dianne I love that quote about the journey of grief and the reinforcement that we do not take this difficult painful path alone.

kym I hope you are doing ok and hanging in there. That is the case in the early days just hanging in and then it is another day past and then another. We are here for you ok?

has anyone heard from Rainie she has not posted in a while?

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kate I saw two posts that you deleted in the early hours are you doing ok? The nights are the worst for intrusive thoughts or bad dreams because we cant keep ourselves busy with errands or chores like we can in the day. The only thing stopping me from doing stuff at night is that I would wake my neighbours with the vaccuum or laundry etc so i try and read or do sudoku or crosswords until my mind is calmer and I can sleep.

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Thanks Lesley, I am fine. My leg had been bothering me during the night and so I find I am up many times. I usually check my messages. I have become far too personally involved and concerned and have decided to back off a bit. Hope all is well your way. Ross starts his new meds this next week and I will be very busy. Hope all goes well. 

Kate

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Tinay, I know that holding on by your fingernails is sometimes the way we get through the day. Like others have said, one day goes past and another and eventually some time finds  you coping a bit more. It doesn't mean your sadness is gone, that never goes away, but what happens instead is a way of knitting your sadness into your heart, where it sits beside all of the goodness from life, the joy of Kiona and the life that she lived. One day the heart you carry will hold it all, like a nest of love and ache and they share that space. So while the grief of losing our Babies never stops being a deep hole, it does change and morph into a sacred piece of you. It is normal in this early stage of grief, to go up and down in your daily emotions. A roller coaster of sorts. It is very unpredictable and very tiring, so you will need to take very good care of you. Your life matters so remember to be very tender with YOU.

Lesley, thanks for your kind words. How have you been lately?

Kate, so glad that Ross will begin his new meds, may they be just what he needs to feel great and regain his health.

Susan, how is your city doing? How is your tribe? I hope you are well and that your home is fine and most of all, that your family members are all good after so traumatizing a time.

 

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Thank you to everyone for your kinds words of support and wisdom. It makes me feel less alone.

The shocksuit makes complete sense to me. I have never thought of it like this. I'm so, so afraid of letting it go and giving in to it because as soon as I let myself feel that pain (for even a nanosecond) I feel as though I'm going to have a complete break down. I know this isn't sustainable but it's how I feel for now. I still go to pick up the phone to call him, or I'll see someone in the street that reminds me of him, or I'll hear someone that laughs like him and for a brief minute I think he's still here. 

I'm working my way reading through all the posts on here and whilst they are incredibly sad, they are also full of comfort and wisdom. I feel so blessed to have found this site and the wonderful people on it.

The next battle for us is about to begin. We've been kept from seeing our gorgeous grandson and in fact were told that it is their preference (maternal family) that he doesn't remember Scott at all. This is completely heartbreaking to me. Scotty was such a great Dad and the bond with his boy was evident for everyone to see. I just want to be able to tell him how much his Daddy loved him (and still loves him). We have always been close to him and he has grown up knowing us all. It's not right for him to be separated from people that just what the ability to love him and care for him. We start mediation tomorrow to see if we can get an arrangement in place but up until now, we have been treated like we are terrible people that need to be somehow punished. 

Thank you once again for your replies and advice. It helps me to feel somewhat normal (whatever that means).

Kym xx

 

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Hi. I've been trying to upload a song by grace Potter and the nocturnals. I'm usually pretty good at at the I'm unable to this time. I can't listen to it this morning or I'm going to bawl and I have to get to work. Just wanted to share the song

Tina 

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Kym,

I am so sorry for your loss. It can be really overwhelming and I want you to know that it's okay to have a complete break down. I spent one day just screaming at the wall in grief and anger until I was red-eyed, horse in my throat and fell asleep.  I was sure that I was going crazy and that there were no roads back from where I was but once it was out of me, there was this odd calm. It was like I had screamed the heavy fog away that made me feel alone.  I started reaching out for others, even complete strangers (like on here) and they started to reach back.  And while some people don't understand and will judge or just not know what to say to you, there are those people who know loss like no one should and they will be there for you. What you are feeling is normal, and I am glad you have come here to share your journey with us, I'm only sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

I have found that it becomes easier to share your story as the days go by, and I don't pay attention to the people who judge and don't know what to say and I focus on the ones who do.  They need my compassion as much as I need theirs. Maybe not in this moment, but someday. I was always a tomboy and never had any female friends growing up or even in my young adulthood, but after my 20 year old son Nathaniel was murdered, I found grace in the sisterhood of friends I've made. Some who've lost husbands, parents, children... they took my hand and showed me a grace that I didn't expect and that I am now close to. It's really easy to isolate yourself and feel like you are alone in your grief and it's almost always tempered with guilt and shame that comes with being a parent... but all of us have been there, and we know. Unfortunate as it is, we know. Let the others judge you, you will find the good people who have compassion and strength as a character the more you share. And the more you share, the less alone you will begin to feel.  You are not burdening others, you are giving them the opportunity to become more compassionate people.  Grief is a burden that when shared, becomes a little easier for you to carry. It never goes away, but the weight can be unbearable alone.

It's often normal for the spouse/partner/ex of someone who has passed to swallow their own guilt and shame as well and hide it in an envelope of anger and blame.  They don't want to see the role they have played in the lost ones life, or how they could have done things different and they will often blame others for the problem so they don't have to look at it themselves. I am sorry that you haven't been able to see your grandson, but I am glad to know that you aren't letting that stand. Mediation is a good pathway, and the courts will enforce anything that is decided in mediation and it's a good tool to use if anything sours.  A party unwilling to abide by a mediation agreement is always seen as wrong by the courts, and you have rights to see the child absolutely. Don't give up the fight. It sounds like the child would be better knowing you for sure. It is hard for children in grief, and it will be good for him and for you to know his father his whole life not only because he can have happy memories but also as a tool to shape his existence.

~Margo

All,

I'm sorry I've been absent, with all my illness I was feeling very overwhelmed and not strong enough to do many things at once.

The good news is that I have turned that corner of recovery and am feeling really great this week physically. It does wonders for my mental health too.  There were about 3 weeks that I was averaging 2:45 hours of sleep per night, and it was making me so weak.  I lost 18 pounds (not that I can't stand to lose them, mind) and sometimes a bit of my sanity. But I'm back and I actually sat at the wheel yesterday and threw some beautiful pots quickly, so I feel like I'm back on track. My hands and lower back are a bit sore but it's a comforting feeling of being productive in my happy place in the clay studio. Here are some latte cups (no handles yet, the clay is too wet) and some beer steins (also without handles) that I threw yesterday;

lattes.png

steins.png

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Leah so nice to hear from you. I am sorry to hear of so many sttuggles. You are still here, important for your son and jaboa who loves you and surely is rooting for you. Up date us when you can. It is good for my heart to hear from you old friend. ❤

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kym how sad that your grandson is being kept from you at a time when you really need to see him and snuggle him. babies and small kids just radiate innocence and joy and wonder at such simple things you cannot help but have your spirits lifted by them. Mediation sounds like a good option and maybe a resolution can be worked out for the benefit of all I hope so. being kept away from grandchildren is very common in divorces too it is so sad because it takes a village to raise a child. One point to add is that grief causes strange reactions maybe that is grief distorting their view and it will clear as time goes on. I hope that you are successful.

margo hi glad you are here. You express grief so eloquently. I too did a screaming session early on and it really helped. i was so very tired after but it felt healing and took away a lot of anger and frustration. Note prob best to do it in an isolated area!! Your pottery is lovely. I tried it for the first time a few weeks ago and found it very soothing and interesting although the finished product was decidedly ameteur. I think it is so important to find an outlet or hobby that can channel your emotions and give a sense of acheivement whatever it is. Gardening is mine I cherish the tranquility and nature around me and feel pride in creating colour and beauty when I do not have artistic talents. perhaps that is why I lapse so low in the wintertime because the garden looks dead and empty and i miss the sun. i alwys look forward to the spring and rebirth again though.

kate glad you are ok. I get that sometimes we need to step away a little because the sorrow over another's plight is catching. I find myself more caught up with emotion and sorrow with tragedies that are in the news, somehow the stories affect my mood for longer than they did before although i have always be a sensitive and empathetic person. A wise person will recognize what is best for their mental health and wellbeing and take action so they do not fall too far.

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Mermaid Tears

Hello to my friends.....there is no way even photos and the news can capture the devastation....the storm went in at Corpus...but the rain bands reached as far away as Houston and our area....Houston is 245 miles away....this storm was epic....we all thought that nothing could beat Hurricane Carla ...but we were wrong....Harvey stalled north of Corpus...and then went back out in the Gulf...and hugged the coast...more storm surge....and then re-entered to the east of Houston...straight on to Beaumont and Port Arthur...that brought about the reservoirs and rivers...bayous...streams ...creeks to surge out of their banks....and caused areas that has NEVER...EVER  flooded....my hometown is Wharton...in Wharton County....have family there still....my brother has a lung disease..(the name of it is as long as my arm)....Wharton became an island...all roads in and out were flooded....he started having severe issues and had to be Lifeflighted out of there and flown to Methodist Hosp. in Houston....he is now home and doing ok. Thousands and thousands of homes were and are still flooded. Our son in Friendswood did not flood....the water came up to the lip of his garage....we feel blessed but he is out in Dickinson which got hit very hard and helping...Daniel and Jeremy left on Monday in our truck loaded up with supplies....(businesses were flooded)....and Jeremy stayed to help with Jesse. Getting the wet sheetrock...flooring...carpet out is critical for remodeling to ward off mold and mildew. Many towns...and I mean many...still have no electricity or water...our Brenham town has loaded semi trucks with supplies to help our communities. The National Guard is staying in Brenham...we are feeding them and supplying them with anything they need. I am so proud of our community. This is going to take years and years. One can get so overwhelmed....schools..hospitals...clinics...all destroyed...it is staggering to come to terms with it all. All Texans are thankful and have a heart of gratitude for the response and the donations flowing in. I pray the money will be given to those that need the help so much. Taylor brought Veto to us....she returned to League City with baby supplies and stayed there to help. His head was not shaped right...so he is wearing a helmet now....just for 3 months...and looks like a little football player....does not bother him at all....we are lifted up with his smiles. I feel as if I went through the war without a gun.....stress and anxiety can really wear you out....even if you don't feel it as the time...it was like watching a horror movie....that had a beginning....but no end. We are grateful for the sunshine.

Posting a few photos for you.....a sense of humor can get one through some very dark days....

 

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Mermaid Tears

This is a monster of a storm....just pray that it will turn east....and then we have 2 others behind it.....pray hard for Florida and it's people....

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My girl is in heaven

Susan.. so much damage cant believe your before and after pictures. I still watch to see about brenham on tv.. glad your family is all safe. Boy that veto is going to be a chick magnet someday. What a cutie.

Lesley thank you, but u have far more confidence in me than i do. I know dee will understand this more than anyone here, but sometimes the lines get blurred where instead of just dealing with grief, i drag a very unhappy childhoid into this and all of a sudden u are dealing with so very much, its just overwhelming. I can sum my entire childhood up in one short sentence. When i was about 5-7 years old i told myself this "oh i get it now, i understand when your a kid you are supposed to be sad, but when you are a grown up then you get to be happy" . Very simple, never thought there was anything wrong or sad or bad abour it. Just didnt know why the adults didnt tell me kids r supposed to be sad. So fast forward to adulthood when you think ypu had put your time in and now u get happy, right that seems fair. I only mention this as sometimes i dont just come from the place of grieving mom. I get down right pissed off cause people like me and Dee already paid our price. But as i have found out that is not the way things work. I am hanging on trying to move forward everyday little by little. Im just putting one foot in front of the other and steer myself towards walmart or a trip to the lake or cleaning aarons apartment or getting evans oil changed. Im dragging my husband along kicking and screaming like a kid going to the dentist. Cause its just a whole lot easier to let grief our dear dear friend win over us again. I am just going to keep forging ahead even though i dont reallt want to, am not really getting any enjoyment out of this, but i just know something has to change. The thoughts of another winter like last...well just wont do that again. So i thank u for your continued support...i need it so much. Exploring new territory can be really scary. We still had kids in school, soccer and basket ball games to go to, a prom dress to be picked out, we still had years to work, graduations to attend, hopes and dreams for our kids futures. And yet in one minute on a lazy warm fathers day morning, in june of 2011, every thing was wiped out. Gone. Our precious daughter followed by our house, our jobs, all gone. So so hard after being beat down that badly to find the will to rebuild but you guys already know that. Only only for my sons do i try. But i hold on to no hope i can do it. I have kinda developed this idea that why would god give me a positive when he can guve me so many negatives. Lol. Kate, hope everything is ok with rosses eye sight.

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Thank you Dianne, Lesley and Susan.

Susan,

Having lived in Houston for more than 6 years, my heart aches for friends who still live there and have lost so much. The devastation is so huge, but it is good to see so many people coming together and helping on another out. I am glad that you and your family are well and safe, it does my heart good.

 

Lou Ann,

I wish we lived closer so we could have a cup of tea together. I too had a very rough childhood, with both adoptive parents being nearly completely absent from my growing up. One was an alcoholic and one was a workaholic and they were co-dependant and distant from us and from each other. There was abuse that was verbal and physical often from our parents, and being the middle child and adopted I took the brunt of a lot of that.  There was also abuse to me by a neighbor for several years starting when I was 11 and continuing for several years, unnoticed because we were all trapped in the bottom of a bottle. But also I had to parent my younger sister, as well as work a second job starting at 14 just to earn money to buy groceries because the allowance that was given to my mother was spent on alcohol instead of food to feed us. It wasn't until Nathan passed and I started to go to therapy that all of these things started to rear up and the anger came out swinging in my time of grief. Of all the childhood wounds that caused me to be both an extreme caregiver (Atlas) to everyone around me and making bad choices. That continued for most of my adult life so far and some of the results of those bad choices were visited on Nathan as well, and it made his life rougher than it should have.  That guilt is very hard for me, and it makes me sad most days. I was a single mother for years, and Nathan's birth father was not in his life and took his own life about 6 months before Nathan was murdered. Nathan struggled with bi-polar disorder, and it made me swallow my own pains and put them on the back burner in order to try and help him, but it's never good because it was just unhealthy. Nathan's life was mostly unstable because I was mostly unstable for him, and there is nothing I can do about that now. It's very painful and every day I work through that. I still struggle sometimes with feeling like I am not enough. Some days I don't feel like getting out of bed, and some days I don't want to live at all. 

I understand the guilt and pain we all struggle with, and if you ever need to talk please know that I am here and that you are not alone.

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Margo, I wholly agree, so good to see you and  your pottery. Lovely. I am glad that you are feeling better now, that some of the physical ailments are being treated. I think that something I wrote may have disappeared but I will check. In it I talked specifically to Louanne about how in my bad childhood, I knew that there were kids with a good childhood and it offered me hope...so that when I gave birth to My Daughter, I went to a therapist and learned all I could about my fears and anxiety, and guilt, loads of guilt. I always felt guilty for the sins of my father, that I caused him to be a deviate, and of course, I didn't. So I think the difference Louanne between being able to live in the light again, has everthing to do with having dealt with my giant childhood issues earlier on. Had I not had the horrid upbringing issues that affected me so hugely, the therapist thinks that perhaps I would not have had such a big case of PTSD with Erica's death. When a child has such big wounds, they reopen with the next big trauma. Louanne, many of us have suffered some horrid childhood issues, but facing them for what they are and doing the hard work in therapy that is needed in order to finally come to terms with them does help all other issues you deal with. My sister has never dealt with the issues of our childhood in therapy, instead she just stays angry and depressed and the hole of sadness she is in just gets darker. So now dealing with her Son's addiction, she is so blue and so unable to cope because there is nothing but guilt in her life.

I urge you to find another outlet in addition to us, so that you can find a better life that only can be yours if you work to find it.

 

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Dee,

Thank you for you lovely words. It sure is true that when you have a big trauma like you did with Erica and I did with Nathaniel, it opens up these huge chasms of pain and a lot of things kind of bubble up with it.  Right away after Nathan's passing I started to see a therapist and have just recently started to talk about my past. I was angry and sad for a long time before Nathan's passing and refused to deal with it like your sister.  Instead I found lots of people to "fix" thinking somehow if I didn't focus on what caused me such great pain, it would slowly disappear.  it never does and in the end you start to feel so wafer thin that anything someone says or does to you is a wound that never heals.  That's no way to live, and therapy has saved my life. I am working through the guilt and some days are better than others, but I'm building something new for sure.  A world that I want to live in instead of the one I was raised in and it's making a huge difference.  I grow each and every day, and it certainly helps.  The pain doesn't go away, but we can learn to cope with it and create new things out of it. There are cloudy days though, and each day is a struggle to bring the right tools to do the job, and I still find myself falling into old potholes of trying to help others when I'm the one who really needs the steady hand up. I still find it most difficult to ask for help, and to forgive myself. I'm a work in progress for sure.

The PTSD is the hardest part because it's a beast that I feel like I don't have control over sometimes. Having viewed the video of Nathan's murder, I have flashbacks in the most unexpected places and times. Even when I am sleeping. I am still doing the EMDR therapy and it is helping some with the visual triggers but some of the other triggers catch me off guard.

I have my therapy and my art therapy that help a lot.  For me, when I put on my headphones and I sit at the bench with 10 pounds of clay, the world and all it's troubles just disappear once the wheel starts turning.

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Here is the post I wrote earlier....HOoray to see you today Susan. I was getting nervous. Yes, we have stayed totally tuned into the storm that ate Texas and we have donated and wish I could send more. Goodness knows that this monster Harvey took so much from so many. IT will take years and I do so hope that the city planners give thought to how much cement that they are putting down which of course prevents the land from taking in water. The flood plain must be free to be just that. I send prayers and hope. Oh Veto looks adorable, I know several babies who wear helmets and how nice that the doctors have this tool to help now, whereas before we simply couldn't do a thing about it. He looks delighted with life.

Louanne, so many of us here have had hard childhoods, for me, I knew that there were kids who didn't which gave me hope to grow up and have the family that I wished I could have had. And while that didn't exactly pan out, the realization that what was going on in my world was not right or just, I took myself to therapy at age 28, with the birth of my Girl. I needed to learn how to protect my son and daughter where I was not protected. I needed to deal with the very deep sadness of growing up abused...had I not done that, I would never have been able to manage all the many things that happened in my adult years.

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Georgina-------Oh my goodness.....I'm so sorry for all that you are going through, and

have had so much to contend with, on top of your grieving heart.  I'm glad that your daughter

is ok.    Sending up prayers for you,  your husband,  and your daughter.  Hang on,

friend....we're her for you.

 

Leah------Good to see your post, but so sad that you are struggling with so much.  Sending prayers

for your health.  Yes,....I agree....the faith that we will see our dear ones someday keeps us going.

Your memories of sweet JaBoa are your treasures to keep close to your heart.  Peace to you, our BI friend.

 

PEACE   TO    ALL  INDIGOS 

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    sherry

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Oh my, what the heck is happening to this planet? Fires in California and British Columbia unlike any other ever seen.. Snowstorm in Australia. Hurricanes unlike anything in our lifetime. Earthquake in Mexico.  This is definitely global warming. Prayers to everyone in the path of these storms. If only we could wipe them out. 

I can only advise anyone that is struggling with past issues regarding their youth to seek proper medical guidance. There is never going to be an easy way to get past it. The road is a rough one. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. It just depends on how much you want it. Hard work often pays off. Sending wishes to all for a sense of peace restored in your lives soon.

Kate

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Dianne, your childhood has taught you how not to be, and we thank heavens when folks can learn that rather than to repeat the cycle. I did repeat some of the cycle, never abusing my kids but as a teen and young adult, definitely made very unhealthy choices so that I was in danger quite often. That self depreciation is so damning.

MArgo, you have had a very hard childhood too. I am sorry for that, it should never be but unfortunately, we are proof that it is this way sometimes. As a teacher, I sometimes see the vacant look in a child's eyes, that faraway sadness and I recognize it immediately. How is the EDMR going? Do you notice a big difference? I am glad that you are getting the kind of assistance that feels right for you.

Right now there are sirens going and going, so many and you can tell from many municipalities. I am praying for everyone involved in whatever this is, to be okay.

My niece and her Daughter are in the path of the hurricane in Florida, and two days ago she went to the store to stock up on things, NOTHING on the shelves. She was going to try to come home for a few days with her Girl, but flights were all booked up. They are going to have to ride it out. Prayers.

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Mermaid Tears

Prayers for your niece and daughter...can you let me know where they are...there are resources that never come up on the big screen...what town...are they at ? Please let me know the logistics...I cannot promise anything...but I can promise there will be help....

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Mermaid Tears

Please send me the info as soon as you can so I can alert the people in that area to be on the look out for your niece and daughter....

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Dee,

Prayers for your niece and her daughter. I hope they ride it out safely.

The EDMR is going okay, it does help with the panic attacks though not with the anxiety. I think it's lessened the flashbacks somewhat but I don't think there is a magic pill. Wish there was just for ptsd, it's really frustrating and I want to be able to be around others without feeling the need to bolt or hide when that feeling of panic trickles into a waterfall. It's better now I think because of my surgery actually, that seemed to do more for me maybe than the EDMR. Perhaps it's the lack of the waxing and waning hormones but I certainly feel more stable and less wibbly wobbly all the time. I used to be a mixed bag and my mood could change in minutes, but now it seems so much more gradual. I thought at first it was because I was just too tired from recovering but I really think that perhaps with the lack of hormones, that my seratonin levels somehow evened out.

Dianne,

Hugs to you as well.

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Dee, I am so sorry to hear that your niece is in the path of the hurricane. I can not begin to imagine how worried everyone is. My prayers sent for a safe way through it.

Tina, good luck tomorrow with the  suicide walk. Let us know how it goes. We are all cheering you on!

Margo, I would love to be able to feel that clay beneath my hands. I was a play doh fiend with my own kids when they were growing up. I imagine it feels wonderful to see the end result and be able to just sit and create.

Sherry, yes our faith is often what keeps us going. One foot in front of the other and the knowledge we will see our child again. 

LouAnn, thanks...Ross is recovering nicely. Now we wait to start the interferon. Wow, is that stuff ever expensive for an eye drop. $2,800 Canadian for four months! Still, if it keeps the beast at bay then it is well worth it.

There appears to be a sort of quietness that has settled in our area. People going about their chores yet strangely quiet. Everyone is overwhelmed with concern and sadness at all of the news reports on the hurricane destruction. Our hearts reach out and wish we could only be there to help out. The Red Cross has become actively involved and we have donated, but I am still a push my sleeves up type of person. I wish I could be there as Susan to actually do something more. Stay safe everyone.

Kate

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susan that devastation and flooding is horrifying you are right it will take years to rebuild parts of the community I am sorry for that. However that community spirit is heartwarming, people coming together to help someone they don't know just to help out, wonderful. It gives you a sense that the true grit and human spirit for others is alive and well. Veto is adorable in that moulded helmet he does look like a football player! That is quite a common thing for babies to have some help reshaping their head and because they do it when they are really young and its not painful the results are excellent.

louann it is sad that your childhood was not happy, it explains more why you are suffering with depression in your adulthood even though you have had your fair share already. Kind of why grief knocked you down so badly because perhaps your stuffing was already weakened. I have had depression for years and its very wearing. I cannot understand that whole Live for today thing. guess I have had a lot of very hard knocks in my adult life and have had to struggle with a low income for so many years, making do going without and always buying second hand or used items and mostly discounted foods that living still seems a bit of a chore sometimes. I guess this is the hell on earth bit and i hope that the afterlife wherever that is will be better, also our kids will be there which will be amazing. I try to enjoy some things and I am truly grateful for the things I do have in my life because there are people worse off than me but I often do not feel happy. i think you are doing so well, look at how far you and hubby have come just in the few months you have been on here with us further in that short time than in the last 6 years. It is gonna be a tough grind a long road but hey we are all s

On 9/8/2017 at 5:12 AM, TearsInHeaven said:

"If I could send you a box of cookies, I would look for magic ones that could bring some light into your life and mend your broken heart. " What lovely words Dianne, they brought tears to my eyes because that was so thoughtful

On 9/8/2017 at 6:10 PM, Devianz said:

"I wish we lived closer so we could have a cup of tea together." I often wish we could actually meet up and exchange real hugs to each other. This group is amazing, the compassion understanding and care is palpable. Louann, just hear how much you are cared about here, let that love carry you forwards and upwards and you can be an inspiration to others as we struggle through together.

 

Dianne it is so sad you felt so unloved and unimportant yet strived and succeeded. Shows people can overcome huge emotional and physical challenges and grow into adults vowing to break the cycle that they were forced into. Experiences shape who we become and the fact you are so kind and supportive to others is a huge testament to your strength.

Devianz I am so sad by your story too breaks my heart, yet you made it through too. That is why therapy can be really difficult it pokes into crevices and cracks that have been papered over for self preservation. Grief of any kind, loss of innocence, forcible child parenting, neglect, abuse, cruelty need to be worked through for a resolution and an adult perspective of something that happened to innocent children who should have been loved and protected. You have also broken the cycle and poured love into nathan for the time you had him. I too am a single parent and you just do the best you can with what you have got for that period of your life. No guilt friend you did your very best.

dee you hit the nail on the head and also came from a dark place in your childhood to being a successful loving parent. I am glad that you guys are so willing to offer up your demons to others so that they can realise there is no shame in being an abused child and that it does not have to affect your whole life it can be overcome. You are so brave. Hope your neice and daughter are safe and ok in all these floods. These hazards of nature are definitely a global warming issue and we need to try and rebuild and learn from our mistakes for future generations.

 

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My girl is in heaven

Oh i dont know where to start. I love you all so much with your magic cookies, tea and well wishes. I had no idea how many others did not grow up happy, just as i never knew how many parents had lost a child. And we are just a small sliver. I appreciate u dredging up your demons to help me...it has. I dont feel so alone in that aspect now. But i have put my youth to rest and it doesn't hold near the power over me as it used to . Although it rears its ugly head now and again. I agree that in spite of it we came out to be who we are. I never had to think about how i would raise my kids...it was easy, it came so natural. The exact opposite of how i was raised. My kids knew, and still for my two boys, evety single day that they are loved and cherished. Some one was proud of them and would always be there for them. I alwYs told them to reach for the stars they were thiers for the picking. I always made a sick bunny nest on the couch when they were sick, cause evetyone got better when they were in the sick bunny nest. The easter bunny left his muddy paw prints all over the floor, santa always left his glasses, a boot or his suspenders at our house. There was a home made birthday card in thier lunch pails. And pixy dust from the tooth fairy. In short...they knew they were loved. Even now i will send the boys a text in the morning saying "morning beautiful boy". And they are 29 and 26. I know i am a little overboard at times but how could a kid ever feel they were loved too much. So i am glad that i broke that mould. I dont like where my life has ended up here, but i am making the best that i can. Your right, my boys need to carry on the best with thier lives and dreams and i have to be a part of that just like i had always planned to be. I made a bad decision a few weeks ago, when i stopped my sleeping pills, stopped my antidepressants too. Just wanted to see if i could make it without them. Didnt feel any different at first but wow the last few days the depression has hit big time and just dragged me right back in the bottom of the hole complete with some very unhealthy thoughts. So back on them i go. But thanks again for your support and im so sorry for all the scars we all carry. I always leave my door unlocked so i know one day i come home you will all be sitting there in my family room. I make a pretty good banana bread. Hugs to you all.



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InHeavensKeeping

Thank you for your kind words and prayers it means so much to me and has helped me keep going.  

My mum is still holding on.  They cannot believe that she survived as they think she had the heart attack on the Tuesday and we only managed to get her into hospital on the Friday.  She had already had a heart attack about ten years ago and had to have a double bypass and valve replacement since..  She now has congestive heart failure but she's still here and I know the outlook isn't good but I just couldn't cope with loosing her right now..

My sister has to have her surgery on the 18th and then it's a waiting game to find out what it is but I do think they can tell when they see it but still make you wait to be sure.  It's so scary.  We are all just focusing on mum at the moment my sister is blocking it out of her mind she doesn't want to think about it or discuss it now.  It's so hard..

I am waiting to see my consultant this week for the results of my CT scan with contrastim praying it's good news I honestly don't think I could deal with the surgery at the moment.

My daughter is ok she's already bought a new Car on HP and is starting a new Job as nurse in two weeks.  She's ok at the moment quiet but taking each day one day at a time.

She tried to organise for all our family and friends to come and support on Monday but only one person this year said they could so I asked her to cancel it it was hurting me too much I felt devastated and so sad that none cared enough to be there. It has only been 3years Monday 36 months....... my biggest fear was they would forget him....

God Bless everyone you care more than most of my family and I thank you for that.

God Bless Georgina xxx

...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hey, LouAnn, did your hubby watch the Banjo Bowl? McSweet! I'm loving it. 

Georgina, we are all here for you... and especially our thoughts will be with you on Monday. His Momma will never forget. What else matters? So much on your plate to deal with. It always comes in waves. I'm sorry about your mom. I hope all goes well and they can keep her comfortable. Great news about your daughter. I bet she is really happy with her new job and car. How is that grandbaby of yours doing? Keep us posted as we all are concerned and hoping things improve. 

Tina, what time do you start tomorrow. How far is the walk? We need a report when it is done, ok? 

Love to All, Kate

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My girl is in heaven

Georgina. Im so sorry you are having so much upheaval and all at once. I just dont understand why some people get so much on thier plate while others sail thru life with barely a bump in the road. Just getting thru by one day, hour or a moment right now for u. Remember u have already been thru the worst life can throw your way. I used to wonder and worry if people woukd forget Kira, but i dont so much any more. Like Kate said his momma wont forget and thats most important. And we are all here for you, you know that. Monday will be hard but youll get thru cause everyone here will be with u every step all day. Stay strong my friend.

Kate. We arent really football fans but evan actually made the team at western but tore his acl and didnt end up playing. Im getting all antsy about the 4th coming though.

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HI GANG,

sorry Susan, I was super busy for a couple of days and didn't see your sweet helping post...Karianne and Alex are in Sarasota, Florida,  but they are staying in a taller building with her EX right now, an office structure that was built with the newer regulations on windows and materials, so I think that she and her girl Al, will be okay. Thank you so much though.

Louanne, I weaned off of some anti-depressants a few years ago and the weaning was hard after only being on them for about a year or two.IT is important to wean under a doctor's knowledge and care. I am glad though, that you went back on and are feeling better.

Kate, wow, that is an expensive medicine...Lord knows that we appreciate the science behind it, but the price gouging is terrible.

Georgina, perhaps it being Monday makes it hard to do for a lot of folks. I think that nobody forgot, but that gathering on a work day is pretty cumbersome. I always quietly have my real day of Erica's leaving to myself, and the gathering on a weekend. I am sending prayers for You and your Sister, and your Mom and Husband...glad for your Daughter to have a new job to go to and I celebrate that she is a Nurse!

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georgina just know there are lots of us all supporting you from afar on mon. It is in reality just a date but of course to us parents it is huuuge. it is very difficult to get time off work in the week that is true. my sister once told me that everyone has a different view on grieving and memorialising. Just because someone cannot attend does not mean their loved one one is forgotten, they will do what they need to at some point in their day to remember them or postpone their remembrances to the weekend. grief is not limited to just one day it is at anytime. Also to cope with all you have going on must be so very hard. I am sorry about your mum ,just enjoy the times you spend with her and make those memories beautiful and meaningful.

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InHeavensKeeping

Thank you for your words that give me the strength to face tomorrow and the kindness and compassion the hope that you'll be there for me. 

Im struggling tonight but felt comfort in reading your posts to me. 

God Bless Georgina xxx

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InHeavensKeeping

Kate their adorable and keep me going xxxx I love them xxxJustwish James was here as well he would of been such a loving uncle and given them so much. He was an artist and Ellia the older one loves to paint xxx

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