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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Hello all,

Susan, I am so glad to hear from you and to know that you are ok.   I am sure that everyone here has had you in their thoughts and prayers.    This " family "is so close you just know others care.   I am sorry to hear that your "Port A" took such a hard h :it.   I know how much that area means to you.  I am glad you were able to enjoy it there with family and friends recently.  My prayers are with Texas.  The reports of the damage and ongoing concerns is beyond comprehension.

Dee, I am glad your son is healing well.   Probably not as fast as he would like. It is normal for a person who has a heart attack to deal with anxiety and some depression after the attack.  Having to take it easy is tough too.     I know you are beyond busy right now with a new school year..   My Becca (just turned 9) started 3rd grade on the 16th.   She told me this weekend that she "just loves her new grade"  So thankful for good teachers.  

Things have been busy here.   I had to take a national certification exam this week.   Had a bit more anxiety about it than I expected and asked myself in the middle of it why someone my age was doing this.:-)    But I passed and as I tell the girls, we are never too old to learn.  Not sure they believe me though..    

Went to Becca's birthday party yesterday.    I don't go to their house often.   They usually come to our house.   I have to be honest that I do not really enjoy going there.  They bought the house in the midst of Sarah's chemo and it had a basement apartment in it that we moved into to be able to help her and after her reconstruction she was going to be there and help with her dad.   But, when the cancer came back it, she went down so quickly.   She didn't really have too many good memories in the house as she was so sick.  As I sat there yesterday and looked around I remembered shopping with her to get curtains and household items and heard the dreams she had for her new home.   She loved being a hostess and having people in her home.  But she didn't get to finish her plans for the house and couldn't even enjoy  her home much.    It was really hard to be there yesterday and that spot in my heart that sometimes breaks open and bleeds at unexpected times, did.     I was however able to not let anyone know and Becca had a wonderful celebration although she also missed mama.  Today I am tired and sad but know that this is all part of carrying and juggling the grief and that that it just has to be gone through.  Thank you for letting me share my heart.

Sandy

 

 

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HELLO   TO   ALL   INDIGOS... I get so mad at myself  for getting behind:huh: , but am

trying to catch up.

Sending up prayers for all the people in Texas, affected by the hurricane. 

Susan-----praying that you & your family are safe.

Kate----thanks so much for that beautiful virtual bouquet.....Just lovely.  We have

oodles of sunflowers, and the Rose-of-Sharon is blooming for the first time.....it's

a young bush. Thanks for the wonderful nature photos. Hope that your leg is on the mend,

and sending prayers for the surgery for your husband.

 

Dianne----Yes....I agree with you, that as time passes, it seems like it goes quickly, yet at

times so slow when we are in a dark place.  I do the same as you.....thinking of Michael when

he was in high school, yet knowing that he would be a lot older now.  We always think of our

dear children as the age they were when they left this world.  It's a strange feeling....the passage

of time.....trying to put it into perspective.  Peace to you.

 

Becky----Thanks for all those lovely pics of your yard, pool, sky, and gray kitty.  Are you going

to keep her? she seems to have claimed you for her owner. :)   She looks  just like my cat,

Mousie, who is 3 yrs. old now.  She was wild, too, when we got her at a shelter at age 3 mo., but

has settled down considerably since then.  Love the lily pads at the edge of the rock pool. So serene.

 

 Laurie------I pray that Christina  can find another church home where she will feel more comfortable.

I guess the folks at the other church maybe meant well. but overstepped the bounds.  It's good that

your husband has stepped in to let the people know that they should just back off and let Christina

alone, to handle her grief in her own way.  I don't think anyone should tell someone how to grieve, 

let alone in a forceful, domineering way.  It's too much.....and just wrong.

 

Dee-----thanks for the update on your son, and husband's health concerns.  So.....little Michael turned

3. !  I hope you had a nice time at his birthday party.  My grandson, Trenton, turned 11  Fri. 25th.  We went

to his whirlwind birthday celebration. It had to be brief, because the family was going to a Cleveland

Indians game....also taking Trenton's best friend.  He loves baseball, and played Little League this summer.

 To top off a great day , Cleveland won!  So, he was a happy boy.  Harvesting of corn and soybeans has not started

yet.  I plan on canning tomatoes this week.  I'm always reading a novel......sometimes 2 at once. :). Hope

school is going smoothly.  Becky has 19 Kindergarten kids this year......getting busy for the new school

year, starting after Labor day.

PEACE  TO   ALL   INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry  

 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Susan, Prayers of safety for Texas...my mom was telling me tonight about how hard Houston was hit. I am hoping FEMA is down there and running. 

Tina, Thank you for sharing Kiona's special remembrance place...I did the same for my son, Jesse and also for Taylor. It was my sacred spot to retreat to. 

Dianne, I am glad that Michael's friend stopped by and seemed to give you a boost. It was kind and thoughtful of him.

Sandy, what you said about certain physical places is so true, how they can turn into a trigger for more grief and pain...how good it was for you to attend the birthday for Becca, and how much strength it took to go for her sake. Once someone is bereaved, there are so many things that others may do in their average life, that now takes superhuman strength for us to accomplish. Sending good thoughts.

Just got finished working through the weekend...so will be hitting the hay. Wishing everyone a restful night.

*********************************

Again, thanks to all who gave a voice of support for Christina. 

*********************************

 

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Yes Sandy, so many triggers...and I agree with Laurie, going to the apartment was very important to your Grandgirl. How sweet her day sounds.

Laurie, I do so hope that the church thing is behind you all.

Continued prayers for Texas and all those in dangerous times.

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Hello friends. I just wanted to drop by to say hello. I will never forget this group who helped me navigate the unbearable grief of losing my only child Andy. October will be his 7th birthday in heaven. It seems like he's been gone forever and it seems like he's been gone a day. But I live in gratitude for every day and especially for the wonderful years I got to spend with him. I pray for all of you to find healing too. You are all in my heart and prayers, now and always.

Susan: My brother lives in Port A. He decided to stay. I haven't heard from him in a couple days, but I assume that's because there is no electricity or cell service. Prayers for Texas. So glad to know you are ok!

 

With love,

Pam Andy's Mom

 

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Hello Pam, so good to see you today, it is hard to believe that Andy has been gone for this many years...goodness knows time remains an abstract in this life after losing a child. It makes little sense. I am glad that you found the help at our little home here, we all have and it stands in testament to the wonderful parents who come here and reach out for the next person in need. God bless you Pam, and that beautiful Boy of yours, he will always be your Boy.

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Mermaid Tears

Pam....I have the same thoughts for this site....John David passed in August 2012....and it was December 2012 I was on the internet looking something else up and was 'guided' to this site....and the caring hearts that reached out to let me know I wasn't going crazy...I was just in deep mourning. I think I am as 'healthy' as I am because I had these parents that understood my dark...deep...heavy...grief. I also agree that 'time' is not 2 plus 2 equals 4....it is liquid...slippery...unbalanced even now.

Port Aransas...Rockport...and all that area has no power...water....and cell phone towers were all damaged...I hope you hear from your brother soon. I have friends that has posted photos of that area....HEARTBREAKING DESTRUCTION.

The rain has stopped...but now we are in another chaos because all the rivers..reservoirs..creeks..streams are so high...now we have flooding in all areas around the rivers etc.....towns like Bay City...Sweeney..LaGrange.(too many for me to list)..have all had mandatory evacuations...there is still rescues going on and on....areas that have never flooded are getting water up to the roofs. I have been busy keeping in touch with family and friends ...to know where they are going and where they will be. We are dealing with the hurricane chaos/destruction...plus the Houston area chaos/flooding.

 

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Cheryl, Tony's Mom

Hello my friends,

Please forgive me for all the birthdays and angel anniversaries I have missed.  I pray everyone is managing.  I have had to step away from so many things over the last 5 months to take care of me.  I was in a VERY dark place and really didn't think I would come back.  Even though I know you all are my best support, I couldn't even bear coming on to the site.  Depression mixed with unrelenting grief is something.

 It's coming up on football season and my Tony won't be here again.  We worked together for over 10 years night and day trying to do great things for the youth.  Some the parents have reached out to say, they kid made it thru last year for Coach Tony, but it took a Toal on them.  Some don't want to play this year because they are still grieving for him too.   Last week a little 8year old said "Ma, Tony would be my Coach this year and I miss him, but you always tell me he is here."  He went on to say I see you cry sometimes when you come to the field, do you miss him like I do.   Yes, I replied, I do.

It was 18 months, Sunday to the day.  I clocked watched all day.  I played Mary J Blieg song "missing you all the time".

I still have not been able to do group therapy, individual therapy was way to much for me.  His daughter left for college on August 6th and I felt the loss all over again.    She went to Bethune-Cookman in Dayton, Florida which is an 8 hr drive.  She called me for the 1st time yesterday.  That was so very special.  My birthday is the coming Sunday and it just does not feel the same.  I am trying really hard to make my other son, feel like he is more than just the "son left behind".  He is loved ever so much and always have been.  Tony and I just did so many things together because he made time for me.

I have tried so many medications, that don't help,  I don't go to the cemetery much because, I can't freshen up his plot with out his spouse's comments or reaction.   In order to be a Husband, Brother, Father, Uncle or grandson, he had to be my son first.  Sometime my mind is my own worst enemy,  

I spoke to a wonderful lady when I called the sucide hot line 2 months ago and she SAVED my life.   I know when he is near me.

 

 

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cheryl so sad to hear you have been having such a tough time. I totally get why you had to distance yourself sometimes it is too much effort to post when holding in tears and just hanging on with your fingernails is all you can do. glad you came back you know you are supported and cared about here. Sharing is not only helpful to your own mental health it helps others too so thanks for keeping us updated. Hopefully there will always be some members feeling on the up to help those who are on the way down. We all have big dips on the road to recovery. I occasionally have mute days where I literally cannot speak to anyone. I stay in the house sometimes in my bed and just while away the day quietly on my own reading watching tv etc. My daughter is with me at the moment and witnessed this for the first time. She was worried because I normally am quite outgoing and chatty but I just cannot speak. I feel it is because I am trying to hold myself together internally, I feel the tears just below the surface constantly and just need a day of total quiet. By the next day I am ok it is just another weird manifestation of grieving. As for group counselling a lot of people are not able to take part in that as it is too overwhelming but I really hope you can get some individual counselling because the pain and grief really need to be explored and let go to make a recovery. I am glad you found such a helpful and caring volunteer at the hotline but feel concerned because you had gotten so low and desperate. medications can really help the depression you just have to find the right one. It does not take away the grief or pain you still have to deal with that but it does dull or even out the crushing lows. I suggest you speak to your physician again and see if there is anything that would help you. having your Tony's daughter leave for college is a loss too even though for her it is opportunity and furthering her education. How proud he would be of her and of you too still trying to make sense of his untimely death. You are correct he is always with you watching over you and celebrating your successes, he will always be there with you, always. As for Tony's plot his spouse is also grieving and probably feels a bit possessive about it. Find somewhere you feel peaceful and make that your Tony spot. You can leave flowers etc there plant a tree or just sit. My son's ashes were scattered over 2 hours away and I never want to visit that place again. I made the small churchyard where my kids were all christened my special spot and I visit infrequently and lay flowers, it does not have to be where his body or ashes are it is just where you feel a connection to your son. Find yourself a special private space so you have somewhere to go when you need to, that is important for you. Football will always remind you of all the care concern and time your son spent coaching kids, a wonderful gift that he gave to them but I hope in time it will make you feel pride rather than sadness. Sending you a virtual hug Cheryl, take care of yourself you are so important to your family and friends do not ever forget that ok?

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mermaidtears I am following the news on the tv and FB and am so saddened about the devastation and displacement of so many humans and animals, sadly such a disaster. I hope that help is quickly forthcoming and that true human spirit comes through. My sister and family live in Lindale and the town is prepping to receive displaced victims and offer support over these next few months as rebuilding will take a long time. Some have lost everything it is heart breaking. i see some celebrities have pledged financial aid I only hope it will help.

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Susan, good to see you here again today, knowing that you are okay feeds my heart. The loss and chaos is amazing. The shock that so many are feeling, having lost everything they own...oh my goodness. And the PTSD that will come from this terrible upset. So many came close to not making it. The thing is, they cannot rebuild all the highways and cement that has caused so much of this flooding to begin with. SO many cities love the growth, the increase in taxes, the sprawl, but none of the wetlands have been kept safe, there is no where for these new stronger more severe storms waters to go...the ground has been taken. Tehre are no fileds and tall grasses and swamps that allowed the rains their place...humans have caused this, both the over building, and the overheated earth. The Gulf of Mexico is 7 degrees warmer than it normally is...that of course makes a huge difference in the strength of the storms. WE CAN NOT BUILD ON FLOOD PLAINS! We texted the name Harvey to the number given...we are also going to take up a collection for RED CROSS at school to assist the victims of the hurricane. God bless Susan, and God bless Pam, that your Brother is safe and will contact you soon.

Cheryl, I know the ache of your heart as you see life going by without your Boy firmly placed in it...but he is firmly placed inside of you so please put your hand on your heart, or wherever you feel he sits, and rock him back and forth. I always feel my Girl on my left shoulder. So I often touch my shoulder to let her know I feel her. I also know thta many of us have had times where the stories of people's lives here just hurt our souls and we cannot handle it. Then most of us return when we can, and we realize that we can handle the stories of those here. IT takes time, and taking that time to work on getting you healthy is the number one thing we all advise. SO glad that you did that.

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Susan, Just stopping by to say I am thinking of everyone that has lost so much in the hurricane. How are you managing these days? We spoke to our friends in Kingsville and they said that they were fortunate as things north of them were seriously impacted. Their Houston office is under water and there is total damage to everything.  Sending prayers to all affected.

Kate

Would somebody please post Sarah McLachlan's Angel for me on U Tube. Thanks. Also Stand By Me if at all possible. Thanks!

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YoU DID IT DIANNE! Your welcome Kate.

Did surgery happen? I have been so swamped in this new school year that I cannot keep anyone's dates in mind. Keep me posted. It has been remarkably cool and lovely all week, just the low 70's in the daytimes, and 50's at night. I LOVE THIS kind of weather. It will get hot this weekend, but it is supposed to go back down by Tuesday. I hope so anyhow.

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My girl is in heaven

Hello dear friends. It is 230 a.m.as i post this and pray for the strength to do so. I had to take a step back for a few weeks partly to focus on the next move to make and partly because i get so down on myself sometimes telling myself i have nothing to offer anyone and you would all be better off without me on here. Gee where have some of us heard that thought before eh? Anyway as u know i had booked us out on a day trip a few weeks ago to lake huron and then this past friday to owen sound on georgian bay. Just small little towns that most if not for the water wouldnt really be worth driving to but r only an hour or two away. We dont say a lot. When we walk along the lake shore and gaze out into the water im pretty sure my husband is experiencing his own memories and triggers, cause i know i sure am. We stopped for a bite to eat in one of the local dinners and if i hadnt been able to conceal my tears to that point would head to the bathroom to once again get it out. My husband likes history and in particular railway history so we check that out a bit. I always google the town ahead of time to see if any nhl players came from there and jack pot everyone has so far. I just have to visit the tourism booth to question where the shrine to our fine men of ice is, only to find out there usually isnt one. These are just young kids for the summer and im quite sure have no idea who the broad street bullies were or the last time the leafs won the cup. My husband usually slinks away but i just feel it my duty to enlighten these kids as to what being a proud canadian is all about. They don't know me anyway just another crazed canadian hockey fan im sure. But still don cherry would be proud of me dont u think Kate? I feel that my husband is probably only doing this for me and me for him but neither of us say. Im trying to look at each day as to what can i do to move this terribly broken man into some light if only a little. I actually had him cutting a bit of the back yard grass, cant do the front cause he mighjt have to talk to someone in the front.

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My girl is in heaven

Sorry, knew i would fall asleep at some point and start to ramble . So the two things i am wrestling with are this. What does a normal person do or act like. You know a normal person, one who doesnt have to live with the images of thier childs last day on earth and all the pain and heart break that goes with that. . Im not sure ? I dont remember what that is like, really i dont. And the other question is i feel like in making these steps into the real world is like like looking for a new best friend. Well as strange as this sounds... i already have a best friend....its called grief. Its my old buddy my pal, my chum for six years. I mean it has never left me like my so called human best friends did. It has been by my side every minute of the night and day for six years . Its always there to remind me that i probably could have saved my child, she probably died because of me, it tells me to not crawl out of the hole, that my sons and husband deserve better than me, that i better never dare laugh or smile. In fact my old buddy greif is just like an old comfortable worn in pair of slippers. You know the ones that even though you know you need a new pair of, you just keep holding on cause they are comfortable. I guess my point is i dont know if i want to give my old buddy up for a new one. Hope that doesnt sound too wierd.

Kate thought about Ross so many times on the 31st how did he do. Hope everything is ok. Susan . We alwats look to see where brenan is on the news. Sorry i havent been able to read all the posts yet to get caught up. Just kinda lost in my own world right now. I did see somebody mentioned about a trade for chicago. Thanks for the info, i do need to get caught for the upcoming season....mark it on your calendar folks oct 4th. Oh forgive me for rambling again. Im just maki g up for my absence. Lol. Good long weekend everyone. Would so appreciate your thoughts. Thanks




9n earth

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Dee & Dianne, thank you so much for posting that song for me. I wish I could figure out how to do it.

LouAnn, it is good to hear from you. I was wondering how things were going on your end. You know the misconception that many people have about the process of grieving is that it it not unlike an illness. It has a beginning and an end. What we have come to learn when we are going through it ourselves is that simply is not true. With the death of our child we are in a sense reborn into a new life of our own. Our lives and relationships change as we learn to live without our child in our daily lives. I liken it to climbing up a steep hill with a backpack loaded with very heavy stones. Along the way we slowly start to find the load becomes lighter. It takes tremendous effort on our part and we have to stop many times along the journey to just catch hold of things. I have found that men often keep their feelings close to their chest and often do not open up in showing their real pain. They internalize the loss. I feel that each day that you help each other to continue making progress... be it ever so slowly... is a huge step in the right direction. You have to be very strong and some days force yourself into doing something that you may not want to do. Setting tasks for yourself can seem daunting... but are so very necessary in working towards a healthy mental state. Try as hard as it may be to not focus as much on her death. I know deep down that it fills your every thought. Still, it is vital to have outside interests that take your attention. You will find as many of us have said that slowly the pain lifts and eases a bit. Your interests will once again become more important and you are not leaving her behind because you have now started to find that you have re-entered the life of the living again. It takes courage and a ton of perseverance. Stay strong.

Thanks for asking about Ross. Yes, his surgery was on Thursday. It went well and we are now waiting for the results of the biopsy. It is an anxious time for us to be sure. This weekend we will most likely take it easy and stay close to home. There are a ton of activities that are being held as it is the last long weekend of the summer. The Wave Tour is a twice yearly event held in the Interlake. We have a huge community of local artists that open up their studios to the public. It has become a must "to do" on the list of the city folks up for the weekend. 

Our weather appears to be another fine and sunny day. The birds are still absent and I must admit to scratching my head as to where they have gone. It seems far too early to start their migration. Already the leaves and low lying bushes are starting to turn colour due to the dryness. 

Sending love to all for a peaceful weekend. Kate

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louann remember this grief is NOT your friend. Grief lies and abuses your mind soul and character and befriends you telling you that you cannot move on because it would be disloyal to the memory of your daughter. Grief tells you are worthless and a bad Mum. Grief convinces you it is healthy and ok to hide yourself away inside and avoid contact with most people. grief tells you that you will be a broken shell forever, never normal. All not true. Fact - your girl passed quickly and peacefully. fact - no one would have been able to save her, arrythmia strikes quickly and unexpectedly. -Fact -  less than 10% of people are saved by CPR even if in a hospital. Fact - you will never ever forget your lovely girl, she was part of your body and soul. Fact - Eri would want you and your hubby to find the light and have a better quality of life instead of clinging to grief. Fact - no one gets an award for being the best grieving parent. Fact - it takes more strength to move forward rather than hide in the shadows the familiar. You are both doing so well it is incredible to read you have left the house and been out in the real world. I developed agrophobia for quite a long time and could never leave my house only if I had someone with me. I made small steps to combat this, sitting shaking and crying in my car but I have done it. The relief of being able to do something so normal that everyone else takes for granted is huge. You are doing the same ,fighting your fears and anxieties and winning battles that no one knows you are battling. I am soo glad you joined our group because your words and struggles resonate with so many others, and I definitely see the hard won progress even if you are not able to. WE are your best friends not grief and we will hold your hand every step of the way on your grief journey.

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HELLO  TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

Lesley------thank you for posting about 'Grief Is Not Your Friend'....such true words, and

very insightful.  Yes,....on this journey we're on, there are so many small steps forward,

only to have the inevitable steps back.  But somehow, we keep going on, and that shows

that we have a spirit that will not be beaten or silenced by the grief that we feel.  We go

on for the others in our lives,  for our own self-preservation,   and for the child/children who

left this world too soon and went to heaven. We somehow keep going on....they would want us to.

 

Dee-------Cool days here...not much like August, but pleasant.  Good for a nice walk;  some

end-of-season garden & flower work.   I can see how you would be swamped with work

at the new school year, and getting the classroom all organized and settled. With the

cooler weather,  I guess that your classrooms are not so hot, as they have been in the past......

that's good.

 

Kirksdad------You have said it very well......the difficulties we all face in the loss of our children.

It is so monumental......the loss....and as you say,  'no one can make it better'.  I'm glad that

it is getting a bit better for you and your family.  It's a lousy road to be on, for sure.  Peace to you.

 

Kate------Good to hear that Ross's surgery went ok., but I understand the tension and concern

you have until the results of the biopsy is known.   We, too, seem to have an absence of birds

at this time. Robins are long gone, of course....and mockingbirds;.......but we have not had

much 'bird activity' at all lately.  Strange how we can miss the migrations of them........or is it

that we are just too busy? :huh:   I don't know.  Hoping we will be seeing them feeding at the many

sunflowers we have at the back porch.  Peace & prayers.

 

 

 

PEACE    TO   ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom,     Sherry

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Kate, I am so glad and am praying for Ross. With surgery behind him/you, moving forward is the plan. Iknow the waiting is so difficult, and so we will wait with you.

Sherry, the birds are here though, they haven't gone, and so much of the robin population stays all winter now that our winters are global warming affected. They are here, i see them, but they are very quiet. Today the finch and sparrows were singing and the squawking of blue jays, but no robin song and no just bird song filling the days...which is very odd this early in the onset of autumn. I know when they are not raising young they are less voiced, but this is almost a shut-down.

Louanne- Kira will always be your sweetest thought of each day, but grief isn't so...we makes amends with grief, we acknowledge its strength and its fury, and we learn to live with grief, but we don't honor our kids by burying ourselves in the mire of grief. We honor our kids by trying to find light again, and you are making steps that way. Your rerun of your thinking you probably are at fault for her death is a way to keep you down down down, and Kira wants you to be up. She wants you to find a ray of light in each day and soak it up, live in it, it is her. Grief is not our friend, it is what came to our lives and swept away the familiar and then with the ashes all around, we find a way to sweep some goodness back into our lives. Keep taking little outings to find that light.

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Thanks Dianne on the advice regarding the videos. I am such a klutz when it comes to anything technical. 

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My girl is in heaven

Lesley. Gee your grief must be the identical twin brother of my grief only they are on ocean apart. Cause my grief tells me all the same things as yours does. U r spot on there. Sometimes i think i will stop dead in my tracks real fast and real hard, it will surely run right into the back of me where i can turn around and stare it square in the face. No more running or fighting with it. What ever else it is here to take it can even that means my last breath . I used to think kira and grief were one in the same. But my Kira would never be this cruel to her mama or anyone else for thst matter. No grief is an entity all on its own. And your right it takes far more strength to take a step into the light than to just slide back down in that comfortable little hole i burrowed for myself. Thank you for letting me know yoy guys are my best friends now it means a lot to me.

Dianne. Yes the new normal thing. I remember seeing neighbours out cutting thier grass and getting thier mail and i knew even back then that even those simple normal activities wouldnt ever be normal anymore. I mean six years on and my poor husband is just now able to cut half the grass. I am glad you feel the closeness and presence of your Michael. Sometimes i feel like the more time that passes that Kira is getting further away but i desperatly am trying to pull her closer.

Dee, the thing i find the hardest about taking a step into the light is that my thoughts of kira are increasing to the point i think about her constantly and im not sure why. I desperately need her to know im not leaving her behind because im taking a step out. Her dad and i are not taking steps away from her at all.

I guess i just dont know how i can cry any harder, greave any deeper, or punish myself any more than i already have. I dont like the choices ive been left with or the cards ive been dealt and im sure yoy guys feel the same way. But if i snuff myself out to rid myself of the pain i leave behind a husband and two boys with yet more tragedy, grief and pain on top of what they already have to deal with. . It doesnt feel right some how to take a step but what the hell else can i do. Thank you all for pointing out any progress ive made. And for bein g such good and dear friends.

Yesterday we moved evan and his girlfriend into his new apartment in toronto as he begins his career as a lawyer. Again a very bitter sweet moment. And was pleasantly surprised to come home and find aaron home to spend the night and come for a visit. I just sat back and enjoyed a moment of watching him and his dad eat pizza and watch a movie. So am grateful god gave me a day where i could see both my boys, eching out thier lives as best they could with what we have all been left with.


20170902_163325.jpg

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My girl is in heaven

This is the view from evans apartment
It is the Gardner expressway in toronto. The building with the red sign on it is the ACC (air canada centre home of the leafs).

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Louanne, how special that both of  your Boys were with you yesterday, a day to just BE. You helped one get a start on his new career, and the other came to just be home with Mum and Pop. Life is tricky, and often not fair, but it is life. Accepting Kira's light in your life is what is happening for you. Yes, I think of Erica a lot, but it is the great stuff of her that fills me now, rather than the last day. Her jumping into my thoughts to me, is the way I stay most able to see what is important and what can be let go. And if I go a few days with less sense of her, I know that she is not thinking that I have left her behind, she KNOWS that in all I do, I carry her with me in heart and soul.

 

Dianne, i love the poem you posted. beautiful, thanks.

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Wow LouAnn, I recognize that area so well! What an amazing opportunity for him to be able to live in the downtown area of Toronto. He would be able to walk to the market so close by. He must be almost at the intersection of the Gardner and the DVP.  I sure hope he can take the opportunity to see some of those games. 

I'm glad you had a good day yesterday. One day at a time is all you can really ask of yourself. Moving forward with your life and finding new interests and happiness again is not a sign that you have left your daughter behind. As many of the ladies have already stated...Kira would want you both to be happy and continue in as positive a way as you can. We have taken that attitude and today almost five years after my husband's cancer diagnosis we are still standing. Last evening Ross watched a program on tv with one eye. It was a struggle, but he was determined. Sometimes I think we focus on things too much. Just go out and let yourself enjoy the day. Let it be. Let life happen naturally. 

I'm looking forward to the new hockey season starting. As a percentage of population there have been more NHL players from Manitoba and Saskatchewan than from anywhere else in the world. Toews, Sharp, Steen and Keith are four of the active players to mention a few. When you drive out into the countryside during the winter many  farms have outdoor rinks for the kids. Our boys were on skates not long after they could walk. It's in our blood. Our older son and his friends  dragged Jeff outside to play goal when they played ball hockey. That was how he learned to be so good. 

Not too sure if you are onto CFL  footballl but today the Labour Day game is on. Bombers vs The Riders.

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I second everything Dianne just said, including the part about hockey players!

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Dianne, we sent them down there to cut their teeth. Teach you guys how to play hockey. :D Ha, now we will be able to watch some real competition this winter.

LouAnn, I hear it is raining in your area. If your hubby is at all interested have him watch the game. All bets are on.  I agree with Dee and the others. Having your children to support you is so invaluable. Enjoy those wonderful times. I have not seen my son for two years.  We were too sick to travel. He was too busy to come home. Jeff's death has taught me that it is the relationships that matter most. All the rest is window dressing. 

I decided to take advantage of a dull day and start painting my kitchen. Ross will watch the game, The forecast was off by a mile. Still, we need the moisture for our gardens. 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Susan, thinking of you all down in Texas. Prayers and thoughts are sent your way. We had a collection today for those hit in need, I believe there is a huge relief effort coming from the Wisconsin area. Though, it will never replace those lost from the storm. I send gentle thoughts your way and many hugs.

Lou Ann, What I observed is that there are varying approaches to how one processes such a horrific event as the death of one's child. Finding others that are compassionate and understanding helps so much. That is what I have found to be of great value in this site, caring bereaved parents forming a circle of our own. Loneliness in such a journey, compounds such a load, a terrible heavy load. We will find our own path...stumble along...on this side of heaven, some things will never add up. Some things cannot fully heal, much like an amputee losing a leg. For most, we learn to adapt. And maybe those wounds are not meant to heal -- but those wounds I carry in my heart and soul for my beloved two sons, I bear with honor and nobility. 

For me, this served as an impetus for a deep inner search, of spirituality, and finding meaning in life. As many know on here, my son and I had premonitions/knowings the year of his passing.
Also, the year after my son passed -- my extended family and circle had many that passed -- some had deathbed visions (I never knew about this before). My uncle Dave who passed in 2013 was able to see his grandson waiting for him. His grandson had passed away in the spring of 2012, my son passed the fall of 2012. There were others that also had these visions while lucid.


The death of my adult son, stripped away any facade, and left me knowing I had to dig deeper.  I have researched consciousness surviving death of our body since. My son's leaving -- along with my own personal direct experiences -- have brought me to a very different place in my life. 

I would say, the intense pain has mellowed. I take one day at a time, and try to stay focused in the Now. However, there are times I set aside for mourning, grief processing, and I have learned to keep those moments very private and sacred. 
 

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Grief is not your friend. I didn't know that for so long. It is where my heart feels that poignant stabbing aching love, where I feel comfortable. I can see now that it has kept me frozen for so long but now that I am 6 years a lot of drugs and therapy down the road sometimes I feel like I am running from it. Most days I do ok but I do know the minute grief starts its creep or rears its shiny head above that deep hole I run. Somewhere someday I'll find a midground

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Hi, I'm new here and sadly I am a member of this club. My name is Kym and I'm from Brisbane, Australia. We lost our gorgeous 28 year old son almost 5 months ago. We still don't know how/why he died (it's still with the coroner).

My heart is broken and I really don't know how to even 'be' anymore. I thought it might help to talk to people who are also living this nightmare.

I look forward to getting to know you all. My heart goes out to you. 

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Kym, I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad that you found us. I lost my son of the same age almost eight years ago Christmas time. I know the pain and stress associated with waiting for the coroner's report. Please tell us about Scotty when you feel you are up to it. You will find support and caring from those that are walking the same path. 

Kate

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Tinay, hold on with both hands. We know it is hard. How did you make out with your family support? I've been thinking of you.

Becky, how are you doing these days? Did you make a good recovery with your eye issues?

Gretchen, I understand how you feel. Are you still involved with your art work?

Kym, hold tight. It is a really difficult period. When you are able or feel the desire please tell us about your precious son Scott.

LouAnn, I hope you were able to spend the day helping your son settle into his new apartment. All good advice from everyone today. As you can see we are a tight knit group. Everyone cares about the welfare of each other. So you must never feel you are alone in this.

Love to All, Kate

 

 

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Thank you for your kind, supportive words. 

My gorgeous son Scott was a wonderful Dad to our beautiful 3 year old grandson. 5 months ago, his ex-partner (he was recently separated) and a couple of her friends found him passed away in his apartment. They didn’t bother calling us to tell us but instead she called her friends. One of her friends posted ‘RIP Scott’ on Facebook and that’s how we found out about his death. Luckily we beat the undertakers to his apartment and we got to spend some time with him before he was taken away. I truly feel that a piece of me died with him that night. My life will never be the same. It can’t possibly be when a huge piece of it is missing.

We still don’t know what happened to him (they have ruled out suicide) and the wait is agonising. I know that nothing will bring him back and I’m not even sure that it will help once we find a reason.

I miss him so, so much that my body aches. I put on a brave face to be strong for the rest of the family but I’m quietly dying inside. Counselling isn’t helping. I am exhausted all of the time and it takes so much effort to get up in the morning and go to work. I find that I am constantly trying to stimulate my mind to keep it busy so I don’t dwell on not having Scott here anymore.

Our whole family were very close (we have 5 children including Scotty) and they are all struggling. I know that my grief is not greater or more important than anyone else’s but at times I find it so difficult to provide the support they need.

It’s simple. I want him home. That’s all. Nearly 5 months and this is not getting any easier. Harder in fact. I can only pretend for so long that he’s on a holiday far, far away. I want one more hug, one more kiss on the head, one more laugh, one more conversation, one more anything really! I want someone to tell me that I will wake from this nightmare soon and that he was just tricking me (he loved to play pranks). Logically I know he is gone but I can’t truly admit that to myself because I’m not sure how I will survive the harsh reality.

I’m so, so sorry that you are all going through this. None of it seems right. None of it.

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Kym, I am really sorry that you had to hear about Scott's death in this manner. It must have been horrible to find out that way. I think that the reason that you are now feeling worse is that the shock has now worn off and reality has settled in. As Susan (Mermaids Tears) as often stated we wear a shock suit that the mind creates to protect us. After a period of time and things start to settle the suit slowly falls off. That is when it really hits with an impact. I wish I could tell you that I had the magic answer as to how to make it all go away. We all have wished that it was an awful nightmare and we could wake up to a new day. I will tell you this however...it will not always be this painful. In time it will soften and the ache will become more tolerable. You will begin to structure your life again to find happiness and joy. It just takes a ton of work and patience. As a Mom you are the caregiver and as such you feel responsible for the grieving of your family. But right now you just want to find a quiet place to lick your wounds and heal. It is essential that you make time for yourself and make sure you are eating and resting properly. Accept all support offered even if you do not want it. Everything helps when we are not thinking clearly. I am glad that you have found us. Keep posting and remember that Scott will never be left behind or forgotten just because you have moved forward. That has been a huge issue with some on the site. He will always be with you in spirit. Sending warm wishes for a better day today. 

Kate 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Kym, I am sorry for the loss of your dear son, Scott. You are still very early on  in your grief. Try to take time and just rest, as this has been a major trauma and your body  responds accordingly. I made myself fruit smoothies and took vitamins, even though I did not want to. 

One thing my counselor told me early on, was to create a "safe" spot in my home. For me, I selected a corner chair, bought a soft throw, and placed special teas and other healthy snacks near me. I also had books there. For the most part, I just would retreat there. I also created a sacred spot in my home for Jesse with his pics and other items. Take care.

Tina, thinking of you. It is hard. Sending gentle thoughts and hugs.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thought I would post this video on the journey of Grief from Compassionate Friends

 

Screen Shot 09-04-17 at 09.34 AM.PNG

Screen Shot 09-04-17 at 09.39 AM.PNG

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kym I am sorry you have been introduced to our group because it means you have lost a child and that pain never goes away. There are lots of very supportive kind people here who can encourage you and help you on this long and lonely grief journey. i echo the comments from my fellow members and friends here Dianne those quotes are so apt. My eldest son Tommy was killed in 2015 trying to save his suicidal friend from jumping off a very tall building. They both fell when the window broke as they were coming back in off the ledge, Tommy died soon afterward but his friend although severely injured survived. My youngest son also found out on FB when the police put out a post for information on contacting Tommy's family (he was living in Hawaii) and a friend messaged Ross saying "So sorry to hear your bro died". My poor boy had to contact the coroner to find out if it was true and then contact my parents to come and tell me before I found out the same way. It was very early in the morning so after i was told we managed to inform his two sisters so at least we had family tell us and support us. There is no good way to hear that devastating news that turns your world upside down. perhaps the coroner will be able to answer some of the questions you may have as to what happened so you have more of an idea of what happened, but do bear in mind what has been seen or read cannot be unseen again, sometimes details need to be absorbed slowly, or not known at all because it can be more distressing. My kids all adults do not want to know any details they prefer to think their brother died on impact and i am ok with that although I know the full truth. I have not shared any details of the autopsy etc with anyone except my bereavement counsellor because I needed to work through it all in my mind. We all grieve differently. I believe I am now at the introspective stage of grief thanks for that Laurie, after 2 years of hard slog, anger, devastation anxiety agrophobia and therapy, so be kind to yourself Kym as your grief is still so new. post when you feel able as often and as detailed as you need, we will be here to hold your hand throughout ok?

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Kym, so much to say, and so much already said, all of it true and and all of it heart-felt. We are left in the ashes and dust of the storm of our Child's deaths. We don't know how in a moment, so many lives can be altered, but all of us here know. I have been here along with Sherry for 14 years. I found this place at the 6 mnth mark. I lost a layer of shock at 3 months, I know it because I went to work and called my husband and said that maybe I should come home and I wept. I remember feeling the absolute raw pain of Erica's death. The previous three months were horrid too, but I had no idea that the pain would worsen...it did, you are not alone there. It is normal for this abnormal world you have found yourself in. I am so sorry that Scotty died and that you found out as you did. Terrible. You will find your way Dear, but as said, it will take patience a load of time. None of this is fast or easy, it just is what it is. We are left to search our souls to find a way to honor our Young One's life. Your Boy will always look at you and his family with full heart, you will always be his Mum. He will always be your Boy. Nobody takes that from us. If you need to take a leave from work, see if it is possible. If therapy is not helping, it could be the therapist or it could be too soon. Get outside as much as possible as nature is where we all have found a bit more connection to the spirit world. You are right Sweetie, life will never be the same and not for the other Kids either...so it will be important to try to talk with the Kids about how everyone will grieve differently and respecting that will be imperative, but one rule holds for you all: No harming oneself in this horrid pain, no taking drugs or drinking in order to cover the pain...drugs only if doctor gives and only the amount given...drink water and juices and teas throughout the day, our tears dehydrate us. Eat small meals if you are not hungry for big meals. Try to make sure that you get some exercise just to encourage the endorphins in your body...tiny things that will eventually make a dent. Hold on to us Kym, we get it, you won't scare us away with your ache and pain...we know it well. And while it is never going to be the same, I promise that your life will be good again one day, but you must give it time and you must understand that having a good life again is not letting Scotty go. That will never happen.

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi sorry I haven't been on for a while. I've been fighting hard to get over this illness that has struck me down with a vengeance.  I'm still undergoing investigations to get to the bottom of it and have not been allowed back to work as yet. 

My life is unbelievable! My mum has had a massive heart attack a week ago the same week my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer and to top it all my husband is looking at amputation for his left leg because his ankle is still broken after 17 years hence his continued debilitating pain and giving way. My daughter had a car accident on Sunday and wrote off her car. The driver in front of her slammed on his brakes and she ploughed into the back of him @60 miles per hour   I nearly died but she's ok thank God  

Its no wonder I can't recover I'm completely overwhelmed.  Its James's anniversary on Monday and I haven't been able to arrange anything because I never have a moment to do anything else. 

Sorry I know we're all going through tough times. I really do. Just feeling it's all too much. 

Love and God Bless you all Georgina xx

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My girl is in heaven

Kym. So sorry for the loss of your son but you have found a good place here. Im sure you can tell already there are many compassionate and kind people who dont hesitate to jump in and welcome you to this club that nobody wants to be a member of. Your grief is so new and raw and undoubtedly you are going thru a wide range of emotions. I wish i could tell you a specific date and time and you will be over this horrible pain and life will be normal again, a magic wand to wave and make this all go away but sadly i cant. It is a life long journey filled with all sorts of pitfalls and traps along the way. Your life is forever changed but dont lose heart that a ray of sunshine cant come peeking out someday cause it can. Even though it wont change the outcome i understand your need to know what caused your sons death. As a mom we just need to know. Hang on to your husband and other children, keep coming back here. U probably still have a lot of supportive people around you and maybe they always will be. But i learned a very hard lesson that one by one friends and family return to thier lives and some will set a kind of unspoken dead line that past a certain point they will not allow you anymore grieving time. Hopefully that wont happen to you, but just know you can always come here and say as little or as much as you want. You will always be met with open arms. One day , one hour or even one minute at a time my friend but you will make it thru this.

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