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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Lou Ann, what a lovely picture and such a beautiful baby. You must be bursting with pride at his accomplishments! Congratulations all around.

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Someone mentioned in an earlier post about finding the sunshine again in their life. That was me. I have not had much support since the loss of Jeff. I have had to climb my way out of this fog basically on my own. I know at times I may seem rather cold in some ways. I'm not really. I have just had to look after myself to be honest most of my life. I looked at it as sink or swim. The latter is what I chose. After approximately two years I started to find a slow change occurring. There started to be times that his death was not completely consuming my every thought. I began to re-enter the life of the living so to speak. I was a changed person by what had happened. I have learned to let go of many things that no longer hold the same importance as they once did. My priorities changed. I focus on each day and look at all I have to be grateful for. The loss of my son will always bring sadness when I think of it, but I now enjoy many different things in my life that I did not think I ever would again.When I had that gift of knowing that my son was at peace it gave me a sense of release. I did not need to question. I knew he was OK. It is called faith. I have never questioned it. And it has given me the courage and strength to keep going.

Sending warm wishes to all for better health and a good and peaceful few days ahead.

Love, Kate :) 

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dee I gotta agree with you i would not trade one day that i did have with my Tommy either. He had ADHD and Bipolar both of which he later chose not to take medications for not surprisingly it was rough going. He became addicted to drugs and alcohol to try and counteract the mood swings and deep depression. It was very tough going for several years but I am so glad to say he finally did the 12 step program accepted a higher power and got clean. We all struggled with his addiction and behaviour but I guess it taught us all some understanding of the helplessness and dependency on other substances to control mood. There were some very rough and scary moments but I never gave up on him always telling him I loved him and was proud he was trying, tho very clear I did not like or approve of his choices or behaviours. practising tough love was very hard indeed I felt like a failure but knew it was the right thing to do. His father my ex was the total opposite he enabled him and totally denied our son had addiction problems for years. When Tommy went to Hawaii and cut off contact with everyone he kept me in his life for which I am forever grateful, because he knew his Mum would always love him no matter what unconditionally. Tommy only messaged me over the next couple years I had no address (he was homeless for a while) and no tel number but messages popped up in my inbox every 3 to 4 weeks and I had to accept that was all he felt able to give. I did have one skype phone call from him a week before he died which was incredibly precious and we had another scheduled the day he was killed which did not take place. i thank you Tommy for all you taught me, about the power of la mother's love for a very difficult child/  young adult, for seeing you crazy happy doing stupid things, for the compassion and understanding you showed to your friends who also struggled with addiction or low self esteem, or depression or anxiety or other disorders. for your unbiased acceptance of other cultures and creeds, for your great hugs, for your love for your siblings, for your intelligent conversations and debates with me, for allowing me to see your vulnerabilities and pain, for showing me different perspectives in the world, for introducing some of your friends to me. There are so many things you taught me that far outweigh the pain and fear of your addiction. I remember the smell of you, the feel of your arms around me, the fuzz of your unshaven face, your laugh and beaming cheeky grin, the softness of your hair. I treasure it all it is locked safely in my memories and my heart. i don't regret a day just regret that you were snuffed out too soon before you could help more people using your life experiences. You died a hero saving your friend and your story went around the world and touched lives. You may have been taken too soon but your actions live on in all of your family. You used to say YOLO (you only live once) and you did, you packed a load of things adventures and experiences into your short life. Now it is upto those of us left behind to try and go on without you each day and try to make changes for others as you did and make you proud. I love you son ,NO REGRETS, you were a gift I am proud to have been given.

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A bit about my grief journey,

I love my husband very much; however, he grieves differently than I do.  I am open, crying, needing the company of others who are surviving the death of a child.   My husband was very quiet, could not talk about Brian.  Seems we were at opposite ends of the spectrum.  After a while, we learned to meet in the middle.  I would talk about Brian less, but when I did, he would engage in the conversation.

From this site, I learned such important tricks.  Like Carol, Miles mom said.  When she needs to function, She puts her grief in a box and puts in on the shelf.  We can never get rid of our grief, but we can learn to live with it.  If I do not give grief its time, it takes it and not at a good time.

After 9 years, my family is a different type of happy.  We cherish the little things more.  We try to spend time together.  

I am rambling, but I really liked Kate, Jeff's mom's post describing her grief journey.

Thanks for sharing, Kate, Jeff's Mom

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

 

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Colleen . You described exactly the way my husband and i both grieve differently. But we have never been able to meet in the middle. We exist and somehow manage to get thru each day, but i dont think we will ever really live again.

Lesley. What a beautiful soul your tommy was. He left you with so much to hold dear in your heart. He knew his mama would always love him no matter what. Im sure he is so proud of how she has helped so many in thier time of need.

Kate i am so sorry you have not had much support in your grief or in your life in general. I can relate to you in both areas. U r so right that our lives and priorities have changed. Every now and again i think i may finally be stepping into the world of the living again but it is so hard to break out of that tight grip that grief holds on you. In a wierd way, grief just feels like my friend sometimes as it has been hanging around me for so long. I too feel that my child is at peace. We need that to hang onto. Our hearts need to feel that.
Is your air clean there now? My sister on the island says it is so hot and smokey there they dont even go outside much. No rain since June. We have had a lot of rain here this summer. Have looked up places to stay on lake Winnipeg, hope to get there maybe next summer. And oh, by the way , you are absolutely not a cold person. You are a warm and caring person . I am sure Jeff is so proud of his mama. Hugs

Dee. U r right. And i would not trade those wonderful 17 years i got. Unfortunately memories of Kira dont bring me happiness or joy, but rather sadness and the feeling of that knife in my heart. Maybe someday that will change. Your Erica certainly left her mark on this world.
Sometimes i think if i had it to live again i would live as a hermit somewhere never loving anyone so i would never get hurt. But probably wouldnt. Take care and have a good weekend.

Well her i am another midnigjt rolled around and still wide away. This getting off sleeping pills is rough but im determined to do it. Have a good weekend everyone.








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Lou Ann, thank you for your kind thoughts. Yes, it has been a different summer for many around the world with heat waves and storms. We have been very lucky where we are in that it has been almost perfect. The days are beautifully warm and the nights cool off pleasantly. We have had no pesky bugs or mosquitoes and so it has really been wonderful. Our son lives in Calgary with his family and is a 45 min. drive to Banff and the beautiful surrounding area. They have had a hot summer and the smoke varies depending on the direction of the wind. My nephew works outside of Edmonton and has had to have his asthma meds adjusted due to the smoke from the fires. I sure hope this hot spell breaks soon for them. it is so unusual for Vancouver to have heat like that. 

Regarding your post I just wanted to say that I would sooner be hurt than not take a chance on life. Some people have very good reasons for building a fortress around themselves in order to protect themselves from further pain. I get that. We can decide to remain in a time warp and by doing so we miss out on all that life has to offer. We surely can not turn back the hands of time... and so why decide to remain there? It takes strength and determination to take charge of your life. Taking control again is not an easy path. But we can do it and it then opens doors to possibilities and challenges that can be very rewarding. If we don't try then how will we ever know if we could have succeeded? To live a life of why's and what if's is a lonely path to take. You can set small challenges and goals for yourself and work up. You can't undo the past... but you can direct the "now". To stay in a house as a hermit can seem appealing and safe for some... but you could just as likely have a meteorite fall on the roof and wipe you out. We all have regrets and wish we could wipe out past mistakes. What we can do is learn from them. Own up to them and then move on with our life in as positive a way as we can. It's not easy for sure...but once we take control back we have an amazing sense of power. You may not have had support in the past... but dig deep within yourself and bring out that inner strength you have so closely harbored. You can do it. 

Georgina, Devianz, Becky, and everyone facing health issues...please let us know how you are managing. Love to All, Kate

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6 hours ago, Jeff's Mom said:

 

 

You can't undo the past... but you can direct the "now". To stay in a house as a hermit can seem appealing and safe for some... but you could just as likely have a meteorite fall on the roof and wipe you out. We all have regrets and wish we could wipe out past mistakes. What we can do is learn from them. Own up to them and then move on with our life in as positive a way as we can. It's not easy for sure...but once we take control back we have an amazing sense of power. You may not have had support in the past... but dig deep within yourself and bring out that inner strength you have so closely harbored. You can do it. 

 

I applaud you for those powerful words. One learns more from mistakes than from happy times because they are painful and cause much introspection. My marriage in the later years was a mistake but I have 4 beautiful kids out of it. I have made dating mistakes but it reinforces what I truly want in a man. I feared moving back from the USA was a big mistake but I know I am supposed to be in the UK to care for my older parents. We will all make mistakes but being able to be honest and trying to find the positive is the way to go.I agree we are all stronger than we believe ourselves to be and hope that we all come out of this grief journey with a different kind of happy, being able to enjoy good times when they happen and reach out for help when we need a boost up.

 

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one other thing. Louann please do not let your daughter's death be the catalyst that stops you in your tracks, feeling like a hermit and unable to let your grief go. I know how grief becomes a part of you and it is scary to let those negative feelings go. Your precious Kira wants you to remember happy times, things she said or did, funny old photos etc. She would not want you or her dad to drift without being able to connect because she knows togetherness is the way forward. I still cant look at old photos but I can reminisce about Tommy with other people and even smile when a memory hits me. The pain will always be there but I am aiming to get to a different place in my life eventually where I can see past the loss of my son and not let it define me. I want that for you so badly, and also for each and everyone of us on this site.

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My girl is in heaven

Thanks Lesley and Kate. You are both so wise and kind. Sometimes i feel like i am breaking out of this death grip, but if i think ill go buy myself some new clothes, i immediatly think but Kira cant do that anymore, why should i, i hold and hug Kiras kitty and then think she cant enjoy her cat anymore, why should i. If i order a pizza or buy any of her favourite foods, why should i enjoy them, she cant. Its just so unfair a beautiful 17 year old girl who i was raising to know she could be and do anything. Who i told everyday how much i loved her and was proud of her. To know that she was every bit as important and cherished as her brothers. All the things i so desperatly yearned for but never got in my childhood. And yet she is gone but her 56 year old mother who so desperatly wants to trade places with her is here. Just so hard to accept still. My husband and i have aged so terribly in the six years. We look and feel much older than 56 or 58. We lost our daughter and as a result our jobs, we gave up our dream home we had built. Where some day our kids would come home with thier kids and we would all sit around watching hours of videos of thier childhood or look at the hundreds of pictures with fond recollection. Everything we had worked so hard for. The life we we were giving our kids that we never had. All of it, wiped out on a fathers day, on a brigjt sunny june sunday morning, while i so preoccupied with washing my kitchen floor and doing laundry to pay attention to that thump that changed so many lives for ever. But still we rally ourselves for the boys after which we can slink back to the couch and lazy boy closing ourselves off from the rest of the world. I am encouraged by both of you though that it is possible to put some of the pieces together again. But i find it is like starting your whole life over again from scratch. Absolutely nothing but the love for our children is the same. But i guess thats the one thing this tragedy could not take away is the love.

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Lou Ann, forgive me if I say something that may touch a nerve. I say this out of sincere concern. I read your post again and can feel the anger that comes from your losses. Believe me when I say that I can relate to your pain. First of all.. what makes you think that Kira is not enjoying life again? Her new life. I know it is hard for us to picture them living a happy life that we can not understand as yet.  Also, I see that you had hoped to see her accomplish all that you had wished for yourself. Is there a reason that you are being held back from trying to take that scary first step back into the world and trying to accomplish those things... or indeed new things that you missed years ago?  You were not responsible for your daughter's death. You could not have done anything to have saved her. It was her time. The one clear message that I read throughout all posts is the unmistakable message of pure love that each parent holds for their child. That love will never die. Your girl know this. 

I do know that we are living in hard times. Job losses and restructuring of companies are hurting families terribly. I know what you are talking about. I also know that a house alone does not make a home. The people living within that house is what gives it life. You have other wonderful and vibrant children that need you. We have all suffered the worst possible loss... and so having experienced it we can honestly say that we survived and live to tell the story. We are all caring our battle wounds for sure. Many of us seek support in whatever way we can to help soften our pain. Seeking guidance and help from a professional therapist can be a huge help. My heart aches for the anguish you are experiencing. How I wish there was more we could do to help each other. In the end it is up to us alone to move ahead. We have to be strong. Sending love your way.

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Kate and Lesley, I think that all of what you are saying here is important to say, important to read. I fully agree that once we make some of the changes in our new lives that we establish a bit of control again...we lost all control when we lost our Kids, and we realize in time, that the only thing we have control with is this moment and then the next. We decide how we are going to go about things, though it is like walking through fog for a long while.  We are exhausted by grief and eventually we learn to move through this exhaustion and make something of what we are left with. When there are other children, we have to rally in order to keep our Kids going and we fight the want to hide....or we don't fight it and we isolate. Family therapy is sometimes what helps everyone find ways to cope...young ones have to not only cope with their sibling's death, but also with the changes in their parents. That is a lot to handle. I remember desperately needing to affect change in my life...so much was gone, I had to find ways to carve out what I could still love, still do, or develop some new things to do. Tiny steps feel like fresh air being pumped into one's lungs.

Louanne, your cleaning the kitchen floor is not why Kira died.  Not going upstairs when you heard the thump, is not why Kira is not here. As the doctors have said, that Kira did not suffer and that there was nothing that could have been done  and absolutely no way to know that this would happen. You did not do this.  Yes, Kira loved eating pizza, so eat some pizza and toast your first bite to her...do you think that she would want you to stop doing things that she loved? NO! She would want you to do them in her light. Go shop, shop with her...what would she advise you to purchase? This winter at holiday time, you can shop for teens that are in need and buy things that Kira would love...so you can help others with Kira's spirit and you can climb out of your isolation a bit with following through with doing things that you might like, adn yes, you should enjoy them even though Kira is not here to enjoy them. You have a boatload of guilt Sweetie, and there is nothing good about guilt. Your Daughter will ride shotgun with you to the mall, she will shine brightly as you do some of what you haven't done in so long a time. I do think that Your guilt is preventing you from the good memories. So like Kate, I hope my statements here don't hurt you, the intention is the opposite, you are being held here by us all, and we want to lift you into a new day, one in which you feel this sliver of something essential: hope. I have hope for you to find your steps in ways that allow you a sense of deep love and connection.

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Lou Ann, all good advice given out of sincere concern from those that care.

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Lesley------I'm sorry that you had that hurtful experience.  As it happens with those who 

just can't understand grief.....it is often family members or close friends.  As Dee said....some 

are narcissistic, and have no patience with those who are broken-hearted over the  loss of

a child.  My own mother was like that........impatient about people grieving. Her remarks when

my baby Lisa passed...years ago.....were something like your sister's.  My mom said that I

couldn't afford the "luxury" of grieving and "moping" around, and that I had other kids to attend

to.  Of course this was very hurtful.  When my son, Davey, died in 2003,  she didn't respond in

that thoughtless manner.  I have had most of my friends shy away from having contact with me....

some were long time friends. Other friends have passed on.   BI is where we can come & express

the way we feel without being judged by people who don't get it.  Peace to you.

 

Dianne-----Yes,...I agree.  Getting together with family is wonderful, but on the flip side....it often

serves to remind us of the "missing piece"....bittersweet.   So glad you had that nice time with your daughter

and dear little granddaughter. They grow up so quickly, and time spent with them is precious time.  

 

Laurie-----thanks for that lovely poem.   Also, for telling us about the brave, compassionate young

man who stopped to help, and soon after died.  His spot was waiting for him in heaven.

 

LouAnn-----Sorry that you have been losing sleep.  It's awful when one is so tired, yet can't get

a good night's rest.  I hope that this problem will resolve itself soon. Don't ever worry about not

being able to respond to posts.   Everyone here has know a time when they just had to step

back and rest from the site.  Everyone is welcomed back when they are able to return.

 

Dee----We have not had any bug infestations on our sunflowers.  So glad. They are so cheery. My

husband had planted them....at random....all over the backyard, and they are now flowering.  Love

the way you described the birds coming to feed at your sunflowers.   After a period of not planting

them......maybe the next time you plant them, they will flourish. :)

 

PEACE  TO   ALL   INDIGOS

 

Sherry

 

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Mermaid Tears

It has been busy since our return from Port 'A'...will post some photos...I still have to gather what photos others took when I did not have my phone/camera...it was a beautiful day at the beach...and for our boat ride to Lydia Ann Channel and Lighthouse...we were all feeling blessed to have each other...share memories and laughter...and those moments of 'I miss John David'....we had family that came on the 3rd...then a round of family and friends that came on the 4th...and then...some friends came on the 5th....just to spend one night with all of us. I am grateful for my circle of family and friends...especially when I know many parents on this site has little or no support from their family and friends. We do have a large family....we have Randa..our only daughter who is the oldest...then came John David..Jason...Aaron...Jesse and Jeremy. With all their family and all their friends...who knew John David...that is a big reason we have such a huge gathering on his Angel Date.

I wanted to share some things I have learned since I have been on my grief journey. August 3, 2017 started my 5th year on this journey. I can say with utmost truth that if I had not had the help and support from all the parents on this site I don't think I would be as 'healthy' as I am now. I can truthfully say that I know I will never be the same person I was before losing John David...and I have had to work to get comfortable with 'the new Susan normal' that I am....I am still a work in progress. The first 3 years were emotionally...mentally....physically crippling. I then understood what it feels to feel your heart 'break'....I wore a 'shock suit' that fit very tight the first 3 years...and my body felt it....I did not have the wherewithal to pull a dead cat out of the house...I had such thick...icky mind fog...I was drained of all energy....grief is so exhausting and heavy and dark.

I learned that I was not rare...or an exception...since the beginning of human existence...parents lost small and adult children. On this site...I was given a gift in that I could communicate with other parents...and learn that I wasn't going crazy...I was simply in deep mourning. I learned that there is nothing in the movies or a book that can prepare you for this kind of grief. I learned that it was a slippery slope in not turning into a bitter and bleak Mother but in learning how to help lead my family out of this family tragedy...knowing they could not cure my grief...knowing they were grieving in their deepest personas for their brother. I learned I should not make John David into a 'God of Grief'...but....try and find a way to honor our loved one that passed...and letting life be for the living...and learn to thrive instead of survive.

I have learned that Control is an Illusion.....it has been a humbling lesson to learn that I am only human...and have only super human love for my family...I never had super human control. I learned to have a layer of compassion that was never there before....it is true....not to sweat the small stuff....to be honest...this has given my soul and spirit a lot of freedom.

I will never figure out all the answers to all my questions...but I do know for sure...that John David does not walk this earth home...but he is 'somewhere' and he is 'ok'....I will post my visitation dream later....after that dream...I know he lives on...

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Mermaid Tears

I forgot to post the most valuable lesson I have learned...and that is 'SELF CARE'.....no one is going to knock on your front door and give you insight into what all you need to do to take care of your health...your emotional..physical..mental health. The three are all connected....your grief can cause many health issues...your body can break down....from your emotional, physical and mental breakdown that you will experience when you lose a child. I think all parents have a breakdown...because we are all unique...it will be manifested in many unique ways....but believe me....it is a breakdown that can have great consequences on your physical health down the line. Thanks to all the parents on this site that gave me warnings...and gave me a wake up call...my insomnia was so bad...and so hard to deal with....I finally put a treadmill in my guest bedroom and walk 3/4 miles a day....it does not cure it...but it helps...and I will take all the help I can muster. Lots of fruit and vegetables are also needed...at least by me....to give me energy. 

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Fabulous photos and great reminders from everyone about how it is we come to find our steps...never easy but certainly worth the hard work, we are still here, we need to live our lives as brightly as we can...

Peace

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dee kate mermaidtears, sherry colleen gretchen wise words my friends spoken from the heart of experience and given as gifts of hope to our friend louann who needs to take the steps away from self denial guilt and grief and step forward slowly back into living. Do not wither away consumed by sadness you are a wonderful person, mother and wife who is needed. make a conscious decision that you will put away the negativity associated with her death and move forward a few steps at a time. Eat and enjoy pizza, go to the mall, swing on the swings in the park, fly a kite running across the ground, sing, take up a hobby, show your inner crazy like you used to. Believe me it will feel so good to relax and be you again and invaluable to all your family. Kira will be so proud of you she is your cheerleader and would be the first one to tell you "Enough now Mum I hate to see you like this.It breaks my heart to see you suffering when actually I am totally ok here. I want you and dad to be happy again and for our family to be back where we should be. Please do this for me. i will see you again when its the right time and we shall have lots to catch up on then after we hug of course. My life was cut short but it was a worthwhile happy life. Live Mum, live for me". She is with you all the time, she hears what you say, she knows what you are thinking and feeling, she will never be gone from your side. Show her what you can acheive it will be worth it I promise. Sending hugs xx

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So this evening I sit and think of the violence that went on yesterday with the white-alt-right in Virginia yesterday and then more today in Seattle. I feels so sad that the state of bigotry in our country is worse than its been since I was a kid...we, as a country, are taking GIANT steps backward : hate crimes have more than doubled in the last 6 months. It is hard to fathom why or how folks can hate as they do, whole groups of people for their race or religion. There is nothing right about this. Now, due to this hatred, a woman will grieve the loss of her adult Daughter, and two state police will be missed by their families as well. None of this should have happened, but hatred somehow took center stage. I had breakfast this morning with two of my beloved former students, both going to start college in a few weeks...both of which have marched here in Chicago for women's rights, black lives matter, LGBT rights: they said that this terrible happening will not stop them from the many peaceful protests that they have walked...or will again walk. I am so proud of the strength of these young ones, the knowledge in their deepest souls that they must use their peace to inspire peace.  And so I wish you all peace.

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My girl is in heaven

Thank you all so much. And no i certainly am not offended by anything anyone has posted. In fact i am very touched to have such dear friends. You have given me so much to ponder. i can live without my job of 29 years, my fancy house and pool, the nice furniture. I would live in a box under a bridge if i could just have my Kira back. This is what my grief reminds me of all the time. I heard a thud and then a sound of someone sliding down a wall. It was clearly not the cat or a shampo bottle but i brushed it off. Me, the most over protective mom in the world. Me, Who would stand on my porch and watch her walk a few doors down to her friends house when she was 17 in a town of 400 where there had been no crime ever and i always left my door unlocked. Me, who after seeing she had not come home on the bus raced to the school only to find she was refeeing a sport event which i probably knew was the case but my heart was leaping out of my chest just the same. Me, who told my kids i had to know where they were at all times and was in tears when they were out driving in winter conditions. Me who sat home every friday and saturday night so i would be there in case they needed me. Me, who would peek into thier rooms in the middle of the night to make sure there were 3 little heads peacefully sleeping. Probably the only sound i never panicked and responded to that came from where i knew my children were. And how many loads of laundry did i take up stairs that morning knowing that shower had been running too long, thinking she had come out and one of her brothers was in there but not checking that out til it was too late. And why was that tub filled to the top when we got in there when she was showering. I knew that drain was going down slow so why the hell didnt i have drain cleaner down there. When we built the house im the one who wanted the two story. If it were a bungalow i would have been right close to that bathroom door. So the cold hard facts, the official cause of death was accidental drowning. Arrthymias and seizures are electrical events that do not show up. It was an internist who believed it must be a cardiac arrthymia in the absence of any other findings. So had i responded to that thud or had my drain clean then yes i could have saved her from drowning. Could i have saved her from have the arrhythmia if that in fact was what she had. Well you have 10 min.to Revive someone which we could have done and then the fire dept was thier with the paddles. Because of her being in the water you only have 5 minutes before you have brain damage. But still there was a chance how ever slight. And i was the only one who heard her. Her only chance. I didnt just forget to wash her favourite shirt or pick her up after school, i chose to ignore that thud which was her way of yelling help me mom. This is what i have lived with for six years. Ive told no one all of this until right now. There are so many reasons this is my fault. So it doesnt matter how much i tried to protect her, when she really needed me i let her and everybody who loved her down. Well i have yapped far too long here and the tears are starting to flow but i just wanted somebody to know what has been in my head for six years. Thanks for listening. Luanne

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Lou Ann, as a parent we all try to protect our children from the bad things in life. This was something that you most certainly could not have anticipated nor been prepared for. My best friend has cardiac arrthymia (sp). She was standing at a cocktail party with her drink in hand when she went down like a stone. Thankfully three doctors were also attending as guests. She never knew what hit her until she woke up at the hospital. Kira would not have felt any pain. You are not at fault for not getting to her in time. I am glad you were able to finally get this out into the open. My hope for you is that shortly you will be able to remember her for all of the beautiful times you shared together and push this sad memory to the back burner.

The night Jeff died is never far from my thoughts.  We work very hard to not focus on the details. If we did it would drive us crazy with grief. We heard him and knew there was something wrong. We immediately started CPR. We took turns at first, but I had to stop because I had recently broken my wrist and the pain was too much. My husband frantically continued while we waited desperately for what seemed like an eternity for the ambulance and Mounties to arrive. My husband felt him take his last breath and  we saw the life go out of his eyes. He is haunted to this day by that feeling. What I can tell you is that there was in fact nothing that any of us could have done to bring him back. It was his time.They performed CPR, etc. They asked my permission to stop as my husband was in too much shock. I'm not actually sure why they even tried. He was most certainly gone and we would not have wanted him to live a life with severe brain damage. Now after almost eight years this coming Christmas I can tell you that as horrible as losing him was we have learned to build a new life that has again found purpose and meaning. We laugh and remember what a goofy crazy lovable guy he was. For a long time we could not look at pictures or hear any of his music without it triggering a panic attack and tears most certainly followed. But time has been a great healer to me and has become my friend. Patience and many ups and downs are the only way through this. There are no short cuts. Straight through the middle is the only path. Grief will not be denied nor buried. It must be faced head on. You are not deserting her by moving forward. She would most certainly want you to be happy and continue with your life. She is with you every step of the way in her support. You are not leaving her behind by finding happiness. You are allowing her to be part of it. 

 

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Mermaid Tears

Thank you, Kate....I think your and Lou Ann's situation/circumstances surrounding your child leaving this earth home are very similar...and you can relate in ways that many of us can't....I hope that Lou Ann will read your words twice...and many times...and she will see that you wrestled with the same questions. I do believe that if there were any tools in the Devil/Evil tool kit it would be 'guilt...shame...remorse...regret'.....those emotions/thoughts can keep a person down all their life...just when they can see daylight...they appear in that little movie that seems to run in the back of our minds ...over and over. It takes a strong leap of faith and determination to rise....and put the past back in the past. Let it stay there. One can never undo what has been done...but one can let it be.

One day I was working in my yard and this came to me...I came back in the house to write it down....

When there is no cure in the medicine bag to bring them healing...When there is no magic pill on this earth home to relieve their pain and suffering...When there are no human hands to mend their broken bodies and make them whole again...God/Mother/Father of the Universe comes and takes our child to their first home. We simply do not have that kind of super human control. Control is only an illusion. We only have Super Human love for our child/children.

Lou Ann...thank you for sharing what has been in your thoughts and heart all these years. As a parent....I always think....if I had turned left...if I had been there...if I had had my arms around him...could I have saved him? That was my crazy thinking in the first 3 years...and each of us has been in those guilt shoes...it is like beating a dead horse to death...everyday. Intelligent reasoning and thinking will rise to the front...

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Thank you, Susan...for sharing the pictures of your family gathering for John David. What a terrific way to celebrate by gathering together to share loving memories of a very special son. 

We had another beautiful day here today. Sunny and warm. We decided to grab a couple of beach chairs and go to a different area that we sometimes like to visit. We sat on the beach with the water lapping over our feet and talked for an entire afternoon. So much for reflecting on nature. :D Hubby is getting ready to have the eye surgery that he postponed some time ago. I am certainly hoping it will be successful this time around. He then starts a new drug that will not cause the same problems as the chemo drugs. On the drive back home I could not help but notice how quickly the summer has passed. Some farmers are in the fields already and the leaves are just beginning to show a tinge of yellow at the tips on some bushes. Oh gosh, where did the time go? Even the nights are starting to darken earlier. I am definitely a sun person and so this is not on as far as I am concerned. The older I get the more I hate winter. 

Thinking of everyone and wishing you a good night.

Kate 

Dee, I agree. All we can do is to make sure that within our own small world of family and friends we show that we will not allow this kind of treatment towards anyone. First sign of it? We speak up. It simply can not be allowed.

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Oh i am so taken back by all of your kind words and for taking the time to read my blathering. I dont think even i realized how much has been rolling around in my mind until i started to type it out. But i do feel unburdened that i could tell somebody. And im glad i have friends like you to talk to. Dianne your right that the hardest thing to accept is that what has happened cannot be changed. I kept thinking come on god, just replay that minute when i heard the thud, i know what to do now and i can save her. But of course he never gave me that chance. I like your idea of a talk with Kira and will make that one of my to do things. Susan, yes beating a dead horse is so accurate. Over and over and over again do i go thru everything. But the outcome never changes. And yes when i dare try to climb out of the hole, grief is right there to remind me of all the reasons why ill never see daylight again. Kate, this might sound strange but i actually eny you that you did cpr on jeff. You know yoy did everything humanly possible to save your boy . I dont have that, because i was too late. I had never been near to anyone when they died, but i knew from years of typing autopsies, that she was gone when i pulled her out. And just like you i dont know why my husband started cpr but i guess he had to try. Of course when the police got there we were treated immediatly as suspects and were not allowed upstairs anymore. I think you r right when you say it was thier time. In the movies the person starts coughing up water and is always ok. That was how this was supposed to end. But the paranoid over protective mom who had thought of every scenario that could bring harm to her children and how to save them from it had never in a million years thought a perfectly healthy child would collapse and die in the shower. Nothing in Kiras case has every been proved one way or another 100 percent. Even the cause of her collapse could never be proven 100 percent. They found nothing but a perfectly healthy girl. I just cant hold on to this anymore. If i am to blame then i will rot in hell for my inactions but for right now at least i have to let go of this. It has eaten at me for six years. With all of your help and support i feel i maybe able to put some distance between me and the past at least for what happened that day. Your support means so much. Thanks again luanne

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Louanne, that is not blathering, that is speaking from your heart to ours, you released some very important feelings today and we regard those with great care. It took a brave-heart to share the events that replay in your life. I agree with all that was said here today, to work to free yourself as your Girl, Kira would want. I hope that in your release of your story, there is space inside you for the sun to shine a bit. A bit each day to awaken the parts of you that have been dormant since Kira died.

Dianne, I love Thich Nhat Hahn, I used one of his beautiful beliefs in my toast at the Rehearsal Dinner for my Son and Daughter in Law...he is a well of wonderment and beauty.

Kate, yes, we have to end the ability to spread hate in this world. It is such a disease, I like the way one of the MSNBC folks put it tonight: an infection. It is.

 

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This is my first time posting and I am in need of help. I have not lost a child so I know I cannot begin to feel your pain. I am at a loss for my aunt who is more of a mother. She lost a son yesterday. He was 33 and a twin. This woman has been such a rock for so many people. She is nothing but amazing. She is broken. I do not know what to do for her. I do not know what to say. I want to fix what can't be fixed. I hurt for the loss of my precious Charles. I hurt for my Aunt Rita that is nothing but kind. The services will be this week. What can I say or do or not say and do to help. This loss has shook the very core of this family. I will attach what she has posted on Facebook about her son. I am going to encourage her to join this group. Am I wrong to encourage this? I don't know what to do. I am grieving and feel like I'm missing a piece of my soul. I pray I do not offend anyone by posting in this group. I have read so many post and cried tears for your losses. I also attached a picture he is on the left in green. This was an amazing man full of love, life and happiness. Always smiling and always eager to brighten a day. I am not sure how we will ever get it together again. Thank you all for any suggestions you may have. 

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louann wow what a breakthrough! You can see clearly now that forward moving and thinking positively letting go of misplaced guilt and regrets i s key to healing. Talking with Kira is very important. I am not sure that regretting being able to do CPR on her is a healthy regret. Parents who have had to do so are still scarred by the experience. It still failed, no magic saving of a life despite desperate frantic attempts. There is never a good death whether you are there at the time or not, whether you have to make a decision to stop life support or not it is still a death and we have to accept what circumstances are given to us. There is no point regretting what you did or did not do, say think feel it is done it is in the past. What you do now is the important thing surviving and learning to thrive in spite of your loss. Our precious children are gone from this earth nothing will ever change that we have to find a way to accept that fact and move on positively one step at a time and one day at a time. remembering good times happy memories etc is vital because it demonstrates the uniqueness that was your daughter she would love to hear people reminiscing over silly things she said and did. We are luckier than a lot of people because we did get given the privilege of being a parent and all that it entails even though our children were taken too soon. there are so many people who have never experienced the wonder of being pregnant and bringing up a child it is an incredible gift and we all need to consider how lucky we have been.

I am buoyed up by the stories of recovery from grief and suggestions to cope from our group, the continued support is heartwarming. Being honest about your feelings and thoughts is a valuable gift  that I thank you all for. Tommy's angelversary is tomorrow and although I dread the day itself and all that it dredges up I feel that 2 years on and with an increase in my antidepressants and support from you all I am in a better mind space. My youngest daughter is home for a while after finishing her degree so will be around but we grieve differently. I will make my plans to spend time with Tommy then spend some time alone with my thoughts because i don't want to upset her. She is free to do what she needs to do, if she wants to talk about him we will, if she prefers to avoid the subject we will. I know she will not come to the church graveyard with me which is my special place because I took my overdose there and it has traumatic memories for her, and that is ok I like the solitude and peace I feel up there on the cliff overlooking the sea.

dee the hatred and bigotry demonstrated in Virginia is a sad reflection on humanity. i hope there will be continued efforts to support tolerance, acceptance, and love towards each other.

Krider75 it is a wonderful gesture to find some support for your much loved aunt. She has to find her own way here when she is ready if that is something she wants to do we welcome everyone. With the loss of anyone special and especially a child/adult child there are emotions and actions that need to be dealt with before being ready to open yourself up to grieve. That can take a long time to get to because of shock denial fear etc some parents take months or years to open up. it needs to be done in your aunts own time when she is ready. We shall be here if and when she needs us.

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Krider, I agree with Lesley, it is so good of you to reach out  here to better understand what your Auntie may need, and to help yourself too with your grief. You lost your cousin. I am so sorry. I think that in the next several months, what your Aunt may need most is to just be listened to and never told that she should move on...we need to hear the name of our beloved child, some feel uncomfortable talking about those who passed away, parents need to hear their names, like music to our souls...so just encouraging your aunt to talk and to get outside and to take walks or be a bit physical to help with the sleeplessness that often occurs but also to encourage healthy habits even in grief, grief takes its toll on ones whole self, so bodies can fail in grief. Eat healthy and make sure she is drinking plenty of water to replace the tears, dehydration happens quickly in these scenarios. Shock is present for the first several months, so when it begins to fall away, she will hurt anew. It will be raw. Offer to have meals made and put in the freezer, offer to have the house cleaned...she may want a quilt made from his tshirts, there are many helpful things, but all in good time. Keep us posted as to how your aunt and you are doing.

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Mermaid Tears

Kinder75.....am so sorry for your loss.....but very proud of you for stepping up to the plate...in wanting to understand how you may help your Aunt...right now...remember that 'Love is a verb'....just be there for her.....look around...are people bringing food to the home ? Make sure someone or you write down 'who' brought the dishes...and 'what they were'....this will help your Aunt when it comes time to write Thank you notes....Tidy Up....this doesn't mean to do a Spring Cleaning or a floor to ceiling clean up.....wash dirty dishes...rinse and dry and put them up....clean out the refrigerator...this will make room for all the food brought over. Sweep or vacuum. Clean bathrooms...keep a Swifter handy for light dusting. Does the yard need mowing ? Keep a list of things needed...grocery shopping..dry cleaners..gas the car up...get the mail...etc.....all these things are really behind the scenes chores...not glamorous...but these are the thoughtful chores. These are things which keep the motor going...the household running smooth.

Just be there for her. When words fail....when tears fall....give real big hugs. If she asks for advice...and you don't have an answer....be upfront and tell her you don't know but will ask someone who does. Ask her 'what she thinks needs doing'...and then...do it. Your Aunt will wear a 'shock suit' for about the first 3 years...but for now...all she really needs is the care..compassion...love and support from her family and friends. Please let us hear from you and how you are doing and your Aunt. Stay in Peace...Stay in Grace.

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Thank you all so very much. I was so afraid of offending someone. This is such a raw subject. I have 2 children 19 and 23. It's an unbearable thought. I didn't want to hurt anyone here but to help my aunt. I love the tshirt quilt idea and I will do that! She will love that so much. I will keep in touch because I myself need help grieving. I can't get the tears to stop. I scream and break down and look like a fool. I am on my way to be with her now. Love and peace to all of you. 

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Hi everyone. I've been reading posts but so scattered that I don't have the energy to post. I just wanted to put this on here

Love to all

Tina

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Tina, thank you for sharing that. I have a box of treasures that I keep of things Jeff made as a child while in school. After a period of time the memories we carry will give us great comfort. 

Dianne, good advice to LouAnn. My older son still really does not speak of Jeff. He did tell me that not a day passes that he does not think of him. We all carry the pain of our loss in our own way. 

Krider75...I am really sorry about your nephew Charles. There is nothing else that I can add that the others have not already mentioned. Thanks for sharing that lovely photo. Any guy wearing a Guinness shirt is a boy of mine! :)

Lesley, we will all be thinking of you tomorrow as your special date is upon you. I know it is going to be tough, but good for you heading back to that difficult spot. It takes a ton of courage. Well done! 

Sherry, how are you? Have you seen much of your Grandies this summer? It sounds as if your property is beautiful. I can close my eyes and visualize the sunflowers. Such a cheery flower. 

Who has not been captivated

By the grandeur and expanse of the prairie sky.

When thunderheads form

And rise to majestic heights

On a summer evening.

Coloured by the waning sun,

Who can not be moved to stop and gaze.

When subtle wisps of cloud

Dramatize a sunset sky

Or afternoon cumulus hang overhead

Like scattered cotton,

Is there not time for idle admiration.

Author Unknown

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

Kate

 

 

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tobyfreefoot

Lou Ann thank you for feeling safe enough to share your story. I can't imagine the pain of sitting on that all this time. I am so sorry. 

Forest's face was so ruined it was covered from his eyes down there was no autopsy so I never really learned what happened to him but for 3 years I rolled around in my head if he was conscious he might not have even had a mouth to scream with. I couldn't stand it but I just kept it to myself until one day I ran into the hiway patrolman that was at the scene and I managed to choke it out to him and he told me he still had a mouth though ruin he still had one. But I know what it is like to hold such horrors inside

I want you to know I have a friend whose 17 year old son died the same way. He heared the thump and sound of him but never in his wildest dreams thought his young very fit son had actually collapsed in the shower until the water kept running and running. He ran around and through the window saw his son face down in the shower . he broke down the door but it was too late. Try not to blame yourself. who would ever suspect your lovely young daughter had collapsed? No one. All of us feel guilty and blame ourselves. Even me whose son died as a passenger in a car. I still had that feeling I had failed him because he is my child and my number one job as a mom was to protect him. But I didn't he died. I felt like I let my child die. The whole thing is hard and terrible but be reassured that it isn't your fault and the guilt and what ifs happens to all of us no matter the circumstances. I am glad you finally got to talk about it. I hope it relieves that horrible pressure within sending peace

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Tinay, it is good to see you here...thanks for the poem you posted. I hope that you are doing as well as you can at this point. Glad that you are reading.

Gretchen, also so good to see you tonight. I am sure that holding that horrid wonder inside must have turned you inside out, and I am grateful that you were able to choke those questions out to the first-responder...it is so tricky to find a way to live among the pieces, with a lot of work, we find a way...but we have to constantly work, it is ongoing because as we go along, we know that there is a real roller coaster action to our moods. I have had to learn to take the advice I would give to a friend in a similar situation...to allow my grief, to honor my girl by trying to live my best life, to know that my Girl's death was not due to her sins or mine...to know that She will always be my Daughter and I will always be her Mom, and to look at each day as a chance to do something good...

Peace All

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Lesley, thinking of you today as you remember your special boy. Tommy...surround your Mom today and fill her heart with beautiful memories of the wonderful times that you shared together. 

Kate

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My girl is in heaven

Lesley. Thinking of you today on your precious Tommys angel date. His resting spot sounds like a beautiful location overlooking the sea. My serious suicide thoughts were also an overdose at the cemetary. Im so glad your sister found you. I hope your dragon fly, butterfly or other special Tommy sign finds you and sits peacefully on your shoulder today. I always tell myself that angel and birth dates are just another day on the calendar. They were not here the day before or after . But still those dates have a way of bringing us to our knees. You will feel a little better tomorrow as the pressure of today eases. It is a long way for hugs to come across the ocean from Canada to England but they are coming your way my friend, lots of them.

Devianez. Im thinking of you today as Nathan's second birthday without him is upon you. I hope you feel him in your heart and by your side today. You have got thru that very difficult year of firsts and all of us are with you arm in arm as you carry on this unimagineable journey. How is your recovery going? You have had so much to deal with these past weeks. Take a breath tomorrow and know how brave you are to have got thru what you have. Hugs to you my friend

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My girl is in heaven

Gretchen. Thank you so much for your kind and caring words. What happened to your friends son is almost identical to what happened to Kira. And i realize even the most attentive parent would not have anticipated a young healthy child dying in that way. Doesnt mean i will ever totally let myself off the hook though. The accident your Forest was in must have surely taken him swiftly and without him even realizing what had happened. Our minds like to torture us into thinking differently but we shouldnt let them. It seems grief likes to make us think that we were the moms our child is gone so therefore it was something we should have prevented somehow. Tell your friend i have walked in the exact shoes as him and my heart goes out to him for what i know he lives with. I see Forest died just a few weeks after my Kira. I hope she was there to comfort him.

Tinay. Glad to hear from you. I know you are within that very difficult first year. We are all here for you when you need us. Has there been any more news on the legal front? I hope you are able to get a break from your work load. Any summer vacation?. Hang in there.

Kate. Has Ross had his surgery yet ? Such a brave man having had to deal with so much. I hear you about summer fading. I wanted to get a few new bushes and mulch but most garden centres here have already closed and back to school stuff out at Wal-Mart. I think we might make a trip to grand bend on Friday as we have been so busy with house stuff all summer, havent really gone anywhere. There is nothing more depressing than knowing another long , cold , dreary Canadian winter is coming your way. Although i guess we should both be used to it. Lol.
Best wishes for Rosses surgery and tell him to mark October 4th on the calendar. The start of the nhl season. I know im looking forward to it. Lovely poem by the way.

Susan. Lovely pictures of John Davids angel date. He must have touched a lot of lives. Thanks for sharing. If i win the lottery someday i would love to visit all these beautiful locations.

To all of you, Kate, Lesley, Dee, Gretchen, Susan, Dianne, anyone else i failed to mention by name, i cant thank you all enough for your kind and loving responses to my recent posts. I just started and couldnt stop it from coming out. I live in a city but you only have to walk a few minutes ti be out in the country on the out skirts if town. I had a nice walk last night and shared all my thoughts of that day and my plan to slowly and im sure painfully to forge ahead with Kira. Im sure she already knew what i have harboured in my heart and mind all these years. I told her i would only move on if she was with me. For if i had to leave her behind then there was no way i would do it. I think she understood why i have to finally let that day go and try to bring some life back to this broken family again. And right on cue a dragon fly came out of nowhere and would duck and dart around my head, sometimes disappearing for a few minutes then returning. I even had a grasshopper hop into my hand at one point. It is only thru all your support and caring that i have been able to finally, finally been able to take a baby step. Well i need to stop yapping and get myself in gear, dishes, power washing my deck. A peaceful and warm summer today to everyone no matter what today holds.

.

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Lou Ann, thanks for thinking of Ross. He had the surgery previously and they thought it was a success. I noticed on Easter Day that it has returned. He was supposed to have the surgery earlier this summer... but was a little apprehensive and so he postponed it until August 31st. He is not looking forward to the procedure. This is not laser surgery, but scalpel surgery on the eye. UGH! They will determine if it is cancer or not when they send the growth away for a biopsy. He will still have the drug despite his dislike for meds. His main concern is losing his eye if need be and how it will impact his driving and doing other things.

Yes, the garden centers are starting to shorten their hours even up here. We both love to get down and dirty working with plants and really enjoy our gardening. I hope to make some things to put away for the winter soon. My tomatoes are thriving and I love to make pasta sauce, chili sauce, and bruchetta topping. I have stopped making jams as I find it a lot of work and we just pick up at the market garden whenever we are there.

Ross loves his football and hockey! I usually find a spot of my own to watch a Netflix program or read when he has his games on. I do watch the big games however and cheer them on if it is the Jets playing. 

Gretchen, such difficult and painful memories of that last period for Forest. I am so glad that you have been able to open up and now I hope you can put it on the back burner and remember those visits you recently shared with us. 

I hope that we can all take a moment to reflect on the ideals we stand for in this part of the world, Freedom, equality, justice and and liberty. My wish is for peace to return and that all people regardless of colour or faith will be treated the same. We are all children of the same Creator. 

 

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A few things are going on but can't post. At work. Wanted to ask for prayers quick. A friend of mine just lost her 14 day old grandbaby. Ugh

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Happy 22nd Birthday Nathaniel Ryan, where ever you are. You were so loved.

 

Beloved Son (on your 16th birthday)

If I could start all over again, I would remember to draw iridescent moonbeams for you.
To fill the night sky all of the stars with the tip of my pen and write your name on each one.
I would draw to life the trees, like arms to always wave hello so you would always feel noticed
I'd never forget that things like love, are fragile and need to be carefully tended
I am a thousand words of sorry, and a hundred sentences of regret.
These are what I have left to write, and you will be in each and every one.
I will keep writing until you look up at me, and your tears no longer blot the page.
Maybe then you will know that I have loved you as much as I am able.

Margo S.

August 16, 2009

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Happy Birthday Nathan, may you be dancing and singing with all of our Angels...May joy be yours Sweet Boy/Man. Make sure that you visit Mom today for some extra time...let her feel your presence as it is the gift of all time in our new lives: to have a visit from our Angel!

Divianz, this is a holy day, the date that brought your Boy to your arms. He will always know that feeling as will you.

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TOMMY, you orange haired Boy...hold your Momma today as she holds you each day, letting her know that you are near. Always near. Peace Sweet Baby.

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Beautiful photos Margo, beautiful. I know you ache, but in that ache there is deep love going both ways in and out of  you...and your Boy.

Louanne, the dragonfly and grasshopper let you know that your Girl is right there, telling you YES MOMMA, go forward, I am right here, buzzing around your heart, right here on you light as a Grasshopper. How lovely.

Tinay, I am so sorry that your friend has lost her Grandchild, oh my sad heart for the whole of the family....and for you as you kow the pain of loss. Prayers.

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Mermaid Tears

Our cable went out...so...no computer...no phones...no TV...back on again..

Devianz....all the parents on this site know how 'this day' can knock you to your knees....a date that has always been celebrated in your home...the day that miracle was placed in your arms and heart. There are few words that we can write to make it less sad....but we can let you know that we do know what you are experiencing. Be very gentle and kind to yourself...

Lesley....we are thinking of you and your boy....these marker dates can play havoc with our physical and emotional persona....we hope this day will be gentle and kind with you....I so loved you telling 'his story'....Mother Love in each word.

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