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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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InHeavensKeeping

Thanks Diane I'm sorry you've had Sepsis as well. Mine was caught early but I've been so ill. I'm on so much medication I can hardly function. Take care diean love the pics gxxx

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Tommy's mum

georgina take heart you will get better it just takes time. As for being homesick for your children we all are, it is like the world as we know it is forever altered and we also have to cope with a different us because we also have forever altered. being unwell has lowered your coping systems and let the grief sneak back in whilst you are so vulnerable. As you improve healthwise i am sure your low mood will decrease. I am glad my son's birthday is over and I can beef myself up for the really tough date of his angelversary also this month. The angelversary is incredibly difficult to handle. Still I was comforted to hear from all of you guys and seeing some of Tommy's friends posting on his wall. My sister and her 4 kids left today for their home in Texas. It was great to see them and spend time with them esp seeing Stefan my Tommy look alike. it was healing to see him and hopefull will desensitise me for future meetings with random people who have that very distinctive flame red hair.

dee I am proud of all of us too. It takes great strength to open up about our children and our personal battles with grief and depression and by sharing we help to heal each other. I am sure all our kids are friends too and are looking down at us and rejoicing that we are finding our way through together. Love is the strongest power there is and the most pure. how amazing that we all found our way here to this site at different times through the years.

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Lesley thank you. I don't think the grief will ever leave me. We are still in the middle of our fight for justice and getting nowhere fast. One of the reports came through on what Hems did for him and I can't read it. I seem to have lost my strength I just can't at the moment I'm not sure I want to know all the fine details because I can never take them back. 

I know it must be so hard to have the Angelversary so close .  We're coming up to that soon and then it never stops Birthday Christmas Peter,s Birthday/ Angelversary its such a hard journey. God Bless xx

 

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Georgina, please do take extra special care of YOU> and I agree, once you see the details you can never unsee them, so I applaud you to know that this is not the time for that. You need to build up your stamina and immune system. What is the plan for next steps in your health?

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Fabulous article by the way Georgina, thank you for that. It is so.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Lesley, Thinking of you today on your Tommy's Birthday. Sending Gentle Thoughts.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Susan, saw another Mermaid Tee shirt yesterday and thought of you. Prayers for you today on this Angelversary of John David.

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Hello my friends,

John David, Tommy, and Jesse...We will forever say their names loud and clear.  We will hug the Moms...with a knowing-embrace.  No words needed.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

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Laurie, how is your Mom doing today? How are you managing with everything? 

Georgina, sometimes not reading the exact details is a blessing in disguise. I know we sat at our family Doc who had requested the autopsy results. He then interpreted them for us...but added his own twist on things. I am haunted by those words to this day. "He did NOT have to die." What a load to carry this past seven and a half years. Let your heart be at peace... as your son most definitely is. We can not bring them back. 

Diane, I love the last photo of the lab pups. That was our girl at two months of age. They are such a great breed for families. She became a loyal and very much loved and devoted friend. Boy, was she ever there when we needed her... offering her support throughout the illnesses and deaths. Angels in disguise!

Sending warm wishes for a peaceful and hopefully healthier weekend to all.

Kate

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InHeavensKeeping

Thankyou Dee I am waiting for the consultant to decide what to do next. He is going to have a meeting with a few specialists at a once a month meeting they have.  I'm still ill but the pain meds are helping me cope   They won't do anything straight away as I had sepsis and I'm still on strong antibiotics.  I thought the artical was good too xx

Kate how awful for you to have to carry what you were told on top of baring  your grief. We have the autopsy results too but have never looked at them I do want to know but just Carnot bare to know either. Thankyou Kate xxx

God Bless to all Georgina xx 

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Tommy's mum

Georgina it is a tough decision to make as to whether you read the medical reports etc or not. What is seen cannot be unseen which is why autopsy photos are never included in the final report that can be viewed by family members. Kate made a good decision to have her doctor read and interpret the details for them that seems a sensible choice. I am a former nurse and I knew reading my son's autopsy report was key to helping me. It was hard to read but gave me peace because I then knew all his injuries and unlike poor Kate there was no possible chance of survival for my son. There is not a right or wrong choice it is a personal decision. keep in mind and ask yourself why it would be beneficial to know more details and would knowing the injuries and treatment etc cause you more distress. I know HEMS would have totally fought to save a life as would the doctors and nurses, noone ever likes to lose a patient. I have seen staff break down on several occasions because a young life could not be saved. The best decisions are made very quickly with a deteriorating patient in their best interest but occasionally with afterthought (and it is much easier to do with afterthought and no time factor) perhaps an alternate decision could have proved a different outcome. It is so so hard when grieving as you want to find someone or something to blame to focus the anger and injustice on and deflect the pain of reality with anger. You want to ensure that those possible mistakes or oversights or whatever are recognised so that no one goes through what you all have. all the emergency personnel have their cases examined closely to ensure there was no error etc and if there was they are usually consequences. Ultimately tragically there will never be a different outcome for our lost children but I hope that you both get answers Georgina and dee and are able to effect changes if there was negligence or improper medical treatment. from a nursing perspective i will also say that sometimes there is no satisfactory answer as to why someone dies it just happens despite the best treatment, there is no rhyme or reason. We were just the very unlucky families.

Thank you collen and laurie your kind words of support mean a lot to me. It really helps to have people recognising the difficulty we suffer on the birthday and angelversary of our children. a parent never forgets but it seems often the rest of the world does and to have friends like you all who are positively offering care and support is an incredible gift. i think we were all guided here to help each other by fate, given a lifeline to save us from drowning in grief. In that respect we are lucky, there are too many other bereaved families out there who are suffering alone, friendless and afraid, isolated and desperate. We have our tribe here that is a gift.

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I do believe that as a parent we all feel a deep need to know the details of the last moments of our child's death. We all desperately need to hear the words that they did not suffer. To hear the words that Jeff had a heart strong as an Ox and was in great physical condition apart from being slightly overweight and would likely live for years was not what I needed to hear. But that was what it was... and it can't be undone. It is out in the open. I asked for the truth and I got it. What a tragic loss of a young life. I live with it every moment of the day. It would be a good choice to have your family physician read the autopsy results for you. They can somehow soften a deeply painful reality. Once you know then you have to personally deal with it... like it or not. 

It is really busy here this weekend. The weather could not be more perfect for the Icelandic Festival. We are just about to take our chairs down to the beach to sit and read. Pure bliss.

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Speaking of reading Kate, I am reading a book by Lily King called Euphoia and I love it. I have not read her before but it is historical fiction loosely  based on Margaret Mead's work learning about island cultures. I also read a very complicated book this summer that I liked very much called: This Must Be The Place. Fiction too, very involved and very good. I have read others that were okay, but some that I put down because just not good enough. What I miss when I am back in school, is that midday reading in my lawn chair. It really speaks to complete relaxation to me. Ihope you enjoy. As far as hearing from the docs, I remember asking for the absolute truth, Eri was still alive but we knew she could not live long like that, brain stem nearly severed...and I remember when the trauma doc said, her heart is so so strong and good, her lungs are great, she is such a healthy girl...I remember walking away saying, she is such a healthy girl but she can't stay alive. Her heart was going to go to a 10 year old boy in Michigan if we were able to give it, but due to her being off oxygen for an hour prior to dying, it was compromised. Her eyes, her bones, heart valves...all that could be shared was. I always wonder about that 10 year old boy and wonder if he got a heart...I sure hope so.

A beautiful day here, going to babysit tonight so I may need a nap later. School starts on the 21st...my the summer passes quickly.

Georgina, Ihope that the sepsis is gone for good and that you are going to be fine.

Laurie, how is your Mom doing?

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You know that Eri lives on in her generous gift to others. I am a strong believer in organ donation.

Thanks for the advice on the books. Will check them out. Have a good time with the kids tonight. Must get moving.

Kate

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Hello all,

I started a post about a week ago and fell asleep while writing it and never finished it.     I have been very busy lately and have not been able to get on and read or post as much but have now caught up on reading.  Shannon, I am so sorry about your friend and am remembering you as well as her family in my prayers.   Diane I can think of nothing that you ever said that would upset anyone,   It is good to see you.     Things have been very busy around here.  Thanks Kate and Dee for asking about us.   Dementia is an ugly disease and we continue to travel this journey with Kelly. My heart has been missing my Sarah intensely the past couple of weeks and I think it is due to all the busyness and the needs of everyone at home and at  work.  It is nothing new and I know I will be better again.  Well, I am rambling I think and am at risk for falling asleep again so will go for now.  Please know I think of each of you daily and wish  you a good rest and a good Sunday tomorrow.

Sandy

 

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Thought I'd try to get on and at least let you guys know I'm ok. They took out... a lot of things. Turns out that I had been riddled with not only adhesions but adenomyoma and leimyoma throughout the walls of my uterus and they did have to do some intervention with other organs as well.  The pathology was mostly good, but there were a few malignancies, but they believe they got it all.  I have a PET scan on Monday to make sure, and then we'll come up with a treatment plan if any is needed at all.  They think they caught everything early enough.

My advice to others is that if you are feeling physical pain along side your emotional and mental pain, go see a doctor. I should have gone in right away and instead I suffered a year with pain and bleeding that could have been helped. I believed it was from the stress, and indeed stress can cause great illness.  It's better to go and get it taken care of so that at least you don't have to be fighting the pain on all fronts.

My love to you all. Thanks so much for your prayers and well wishes. Hugs

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TearsInHeaven

Sandy, thank you.  I am just trying to get to a "better place" and understand that things hit grievers differently.  This forum has been a lifeline for me and those who have helped me, like yourself, can never be replaced or forgotten. 

Margo, glad your surgery is behind you and you can be on the other side of healing. Prayers sent your way for a good outcome on your PET scan.

Sort of feeling a little alone and anxious as things just seem to be crumbling. Feeling a two steps back kind of time and no identifiable triggers for it. 

 

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Hang in there Dianne! The days can be so difficult at times. Know that we are sending love and wishes that things will soon improve.

Margo, best wishes for a great outcome tomorrow on your Pet scan. I agree that stress can cause serious illness and your health should never be put on the back burner. Also, do not let them always put things down to stress. We know our bodies best and also know when something is just not right. Please let us know how things go.

Sandy, it is good to hear from you. You have a lot on your plate to deal with. I hope that you are making time for yourself to relax at some point during the week. Dementia in a family member that we care for can be extremely draining on our own well-being. I hope those grandchildren of yours provide a really happy distraction. Sending "HUGS" your way.

Laurie, how is your Mom?

Shannon are things OK your way?

We had a lovely time sitting on the beach yesterday. In fact I was so tired last night from all of the fresh air and sunshine that I slept through the fireworks display that a neighbour set off. I must have been tired!  It is another fantastic day. Intense blue skies, slight breeze and perfect temps. We are off to the Farmers Market shortly and then into Gimli to check things out. Love to all for a good day.

Kate

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Margo, I will send thoughts of healing your way...that they were able to get all the bad stuff out and now healing can be complete.

Dianne, sometimes it is just the thought of a summer day without our Kiddo that can lead me down a sad feeling...we don't always have a trigger, I know for me, when I am in that same frame that you are in, it is later that I learn why I was there...and I have learned to not fight it as it usually will come no matter the struggle we put up. Is your Daughter able to visit you with the Baby? How have you been feeling physically?

Sandy, I hope things calm down some as far as giving you a bit of breathing space...I know that as soon as school begins again, I will  be in that constant 'doing' time and I will feel the loss of personal time. Your being caregiver in all of your jobs, has got to be especially hard on your spirit at times and I am holding your hands...wishing for some goodness to settle in.

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tobyfreefoot

Here is my billet.

Forest was the first person to appear.

She said I'm getting sharp sharp everywhere sharp is anyone sharp? He is a young spirit well maybe depending on what you consider young. I am getting that his mom is here. He says you had a very strong connection to him and it is even stronger to him now. He says you need to pick a place to communicate with him and talk to him there and he will talk back. Choose a place and each time he talks to you it will get louder and louder.

Seems authentic and crazy at the same time.received_10209918344939149.thumb.jpeg.3e852905452319c6dcc8bb0a79d4d4b9.jpeg

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Tommy's mum

Devianz I  hope you continue to improve and the pet scan goes well. Grief weakens the immune system too so physical health suffers and self care is important especially when recognising things are not right within your body.

gretchen I am glad you shared about the reading and i hope you find your special place to be able to communicate with Forrest. We all look for signs to boost us up from our spirit children.

dee you are so right that there does not need to be a trigger to make us feel lower in spirits, I guess it is a case of getting through it until a better day or two comes along, going with the flow right?

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

My mom is doing okay, had to get her special medication that took 3 days to get in all...I was told there was a shortage of this medication in the US!

I went straight from there to working at Kohls all weekend so havent had time to catch up. 

Thank you to all who asked. (Kate and Dee)

Colleen, thank you for the very kind reply....I think of your Brian too when I go down by my mom's...it is not too far away...Maybe about 30 miles or so...

Devianz, prayers for your healing...I agree it is easy to neglect one's health or just think that it is grief...the body-mind connection cannot be underestimated for sure...

Also, Georgina, continued prayers for your recovery as well...

Sandy, it was good to see your post...dementia is a hard struggle. Hugs. 

One thing I have learned about this grief walk is it has to be done in one's own way and in their timing. So don't let anyone rush you...or tell you that there is a certain point or resolution that must be met. I think it just goes as it does. I had one friend who asked why someone would continue to go to a grief group 5 years out...I was floored that this particular person would not "get it". It was not meant in a harmful way...it just showed me how much removed I am from what was "normal" before. I have accepted this now...and try to pace myself better. This would include to how much I allow myself to be with others, finding small things to self care...allowing myself mourning time...time to remember...time to inwardly meditate....I find myself not adhering to a strict schedule as much and allowing things to flow...as they may.

I think there are real medical outcomes in not pacing oneself to your own inner clock...as those here (and myself) can testify to. I don't think we even realize at times the inner stress -- and mourning -- that continues, as it becomes enmeshed with us, our thoughts, our hearts. 

One's view of life, and what is important -- and what is not -- often changes...sometimes I just set on my couch and think I don't give a dang. But whether I like to or not, I keep pushing forward for those in my life who are left...it is a difficult task, one piece of your heart here...the other in another world -- our next place.
 

My daughter has recently decided to attend a different church...this church had a meeting ran by a nun on a Thursday night. It is a small parish in a country setting. On our first time there, the topic came up of handling difficult situations...each person spoke. We had arranged ourselves in a circle in that tiny parish.
Some mentioned trivial things. However, the lady, who was setting directly in across from us in this circle spoke. She told everyone her story. Some time ago, (maybe 20+ years) Her grandfather had lost his wife. Her family was going out to the distraught grandfather to comfort  him. This woman's dad was driving the family car when it was struck by a drunk driver, killing her mother and sister. I believe the 2 brothers were severely injured. She went through some of her process of dealing & healing with this...all the while my daughter and I  are setting directly across from her.. I approached her after the meeting and told her our story with Jesse. She told me that she has received  many signs and guidance from her mom...which has helped her tremendously. While she was sharing this with me, we were outside the church, and in the background in the sky were these incredible clouds...huge, with fiery red in them...they stretched for miles across the sky behind this little church. It truly had a magic feel in the air, like our angels were touching us both in that moment.  Here is a different picture of the church, but in the same direction we were facing as she told me about her signs from her mom. 

 

 

1 CorpusChristiRainbow (1).jpg

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Beautiful message Gretchen, I believe. 

 

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What a beautiful message Laurie, for you, your Daughter, and this woman who shared her story...our Babies are near...lovely photo and how dear that  your Daughter and you went together to check out the new church. Yep, even on days when we don't give a dang...we get up and do what is needed because we have others who love us and whom we love. I am glad that your Mom is healing...goodness, it shouldn't take that long to get meds to someone in need.

Gretchen, my goodness, what great affirmation to Forest's communication. This is a day filled by signs. Lovely.

Susan, you are likely coming back from your weekend gathering. I hope that it was perfectly wonderful.

 

 

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Tommy's mum

laurie i agree that sometimes people are ignorant about grieving. My sister who I am close to told me yesterday that I needed to stop indulging myself with grief and the forum! I needed to make myself do things and not be lazy. Interesting I thought. It is not laziness that makes me lethargic and uncaring about things it is depression which makes me tired all the time and reluctant to get stuff done. I do not choose to be this way I don't like it either but ultimately I don't really care about stuff like I used to. Time passes each day and I feel I merely exist instead of participating in it. My sister does not have depression a sleep disorder or fibromyalgia with the chronic fatigue so she does not get it. I understand I must be a source of frustration to others because i am not making the most of my life but when you just don't care it is what it is. i kind of just want to be left alone.

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I hardly consider it indulging myself with my grief and and continue on this forum as such because of the many that have and are newly going through this. It is mainly because even after all of this time I find that I need to continue to talk about my son with people that understand. He lived his life and it was so interconnected with mine. His departure did not mean that I could easily wipe out the slate. Nor does it give me the excuse that I don't have to participate in life any longer. It is one hell of a struggle to find a new way that is comfortable. We have learned to laugh again and find purpose.. but there will always be a part of me that feels that sadness and loss. I loved my son and he loved me. It is somewhat like an aging person that says things don't taste the same any longer. With Jeff's death the ordinary happenings no longer shine in my life. I have to work at finding new pleasures. Why not try yoga or pilates....something that is healthy and brings relief to your body and mind? You have to push yourself at times to get out there.  It is when we least expect it that a door opens to a new way. Your sister simply has your interest at heart. She does not understand, but sees you struggling.  I know that fibromyalgia is very painful and I also know that gentle exercise can be very helpful.  There are support groups and exercise classes to help to ease the symptoms.  I know that Jeff would kick my sorry rear end if I did not try. I do it for my husband, for him, and also for myself. Life is for living. Nobody said it was easy. He was extremely active and still suffered from depression. He fought that battle each and every day. 

Try to focus on the good memories. Make a list of the things that you shared that made you smile. Then go outside and take a short walk while remembering them. Hold tight.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I would like to say how thankful I am that this forum has continued...and those people, old and new continue to come and share. On the bad days, and on the ordinary days. 

Our world has changed and so have we. May we all find as much healing, kindness, and love here...from those who understand who difficult it can be, and also who can celebrate with us our "successes" which look much different now. 

Upcoming on my infant son's departure this week...so life here does look so much different. So much of what the world chases after are the trivial matters of life, but we find that in the end all one can take with is the love that transcends boundaries and deeds of goodness we have done. It may not look like much to someone else....but what they think I have found not to really matter anyway.

Kate, do you have any pics from the Icelandic festival to post? Wondering how that went.

Lesley, I hope you find some alternative treatments to help with fibromyaliga. My sister has many health conditions, so some days she just bumps along according to what her body can tolerate. 

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Yikes......I'm so far behind, but have been reading. So sorry I have missed birthdays

and angel days.  Thinking of everyone here at BI.

Dee------You expressed it so well.....how I feel about not doing well with group

grieving. Somehow, I always just shut down. After David was killed, Becky and I

went to a grief session at her church a few times.  Others were able to talk, but

neither of us said anything.......the words just would not come, or we were afraid

that our expressions of it would not come out right.   Our field corn is in ears now.

(we can't eat it,.....it is an agricultural crop for animals).  Field is  sprayed with

chemicals by the farmers who rent the land from us.   However,  it looks so nice.  

We have tomatoes and cukes ready. Sunflowersall over the place. :) 

I, so,  agree about bullying.  For advice to kids.......one size does not fit all.

 Each child will react to this offense in different ways.  Some will internalize it

more than others, but it is never ok for the bully to keep it up. A real problem today;  and

even after all the public service ads regarding it.  Social media makes it worse.  All the

people who came to sweet Gillian's wake shows just how much she was loved.  So sorry.

 

Tinay-----thanks for the pic of your lovely daughter, Kira with her pet. Beautiful.

 

Sumersky----Thank you for that lovely saying of the openings in the sky ...stars....

where our beloved children are looking down.

 

Laurie.....sorry that I missed Jesse David's birthday, May your precious memories

of your dear son warm your soul.    HAPPY   HEAVENLY   BIRTHDAY........JESSE  DAVID....ANGEL IN HEAVEN..

 

Susan-------Little Veto, in his sweet innocence,  brought joy & comfort to your heart.  Sweet baby.  Thanks for pics.

JOHN   DAVID.......ANGEL IN HEAVEN.....BLESS  YOU.

 

 HAPPY   BIRTHDAY  TOMMY......Smile down on your mom and give her hope & love.

 

Georgina----Do take care of yourself as best that you can.  So sorry you are ill, and all the special days

coming up.  Sending prayers for you.....my friend.

 

Sandy------Also, sending prayers for you with the difficult times you've been having.

 

Kate----I, so,  know what you meant when you said that Jeff's life was so interconnected with yours.  That

is how I felt about my Davey,  I understood him so well. The interconnection that we feel with our departed

children goes on......although along with grief that they are no longer with us.  It is a blessing to have this

site....BI....where we can talk about our children, and know that everyone here has the understanding that

we cannot find anywhere else.  Peace to you.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

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Laurie----thank you so much for that lovely pic of the church & rainbow.

So nice you were able to capture it before it faded.

 

Margo-----Godspeed your recovery and hope you'll be feeling better very soon.

 

Dianne-----thinking of you, my  BI friend.

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Tommy's mum

Thank you for your thoughts on my sister's tactless comments.I could not sleep because I was so mad at her words. If it was as simple as having a positive outlook on life there would be no more depression in this world. I am working on myself a day at a time doing the best I can. An indulgence is a pleasurable treat and this forum is not a treat. It is informative and compassionate and wise, caring and personal. No I am not indulging my grief I am doing my best to get through it like all of us are. I look forward to reading your posts, I cry over some things and am happy over others, but always I learn from them. I feel blessed to have been able to be a part of this caring community especially as I live alone so do not have a partner or my adult children with me. Sorry I am on a bit of a rant but I wanted to share with you all how tactless comments can have deep impacts and it is purely because they don't get it, (lucky for them.) A day at a time is the best way and get up the next day vowing to get a couple of things acheived. I know my sister cares deeply and wants me to be happy but she also needs to recognise I need to find my own way there in my own time in my own way which will differ from the way she thinks grief and depression should be handled. We are all uniquely and beautifully different. I thank you all for your courage in sharing your stories and showing vulnerability, and for helping all of us. I am looking at yoga and breathing and exercises done in a chair as additional helps. OK rant over now for some zzzz's hopefully!!

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Lesley, unfortunately, many here have had comments similar to those of your sister. We never want them to know, all we want is for folks to realize we are changed and to stand by us if they can respecting our changes. If they can't, well then, that is their problem. That is finally how I faced folks that couldn't handle grief in my life...if you can't handle how I am now, then step away, I am different than I was which includes the fact that I have less patience for ignorance.

We are here because we found a port in our storms...and we live here because we are joined by those who understand the storm.

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Tommy's mum

dee you put it so well. I see very few people anyway so have not experienced too much ignorance but my sister is a former counsellor so I guess i expected better. I guess i should not have an expectation when it is something she has not gone through. I know she saved my life and probably feels some frustration that i am not happier but that is what the reality is. We all do the best we can each day and at least here we are understood.

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Lesley, I think what we have to remember, or remind ourselves at times is, that because we have changed...so have the lives of those who love us...no matter what, we are changed and so they have to change too, or not. It isn't that folks are not willing to make different inroads to our lives, it is more that they are afraid of not being able to make inroads, or that the effort may be unappreciated. Some simply don't have patience for our changes, and again, those are the folks that I don't really have time for.I had a friend who openly, in front of folks, made fun of my walks in the forest, my fascination and love of the forest...I had always loved nature and had always spent a ton of time outdoors, but after Eri died, I became more attached to those things that grew from the ground and rained from the skies, and she made jokes about it. She used to be my friend, now she isn't.She eventually just made my heart hurt, I had to say no more. We had been friends for 45 years.I became more peaceful after letting go of that friendship. I just could not tell her things I felt anymore for worry that she would turn it around into a joke. Trust is huge in our lives.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I was reading in another forum about a young man named Bradley who passed in a car accident Oct 2006 at age 22. I had chatted to his friend, and read a bit about him from an article she posted -- he was an EMT and studying medicine when he passed. Here is a poem I found that someone posted for him and his family from the article's comments. For his remembrance:

Letter from Heaven

To my dearest family, some things I’d like to say. 
But first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay. 
I am writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with G-d above. 
Here there are no more tears of sadness, here is just eternal love.

Please do not be unhappy just because I am out of sight. 
Remember that I am with you every morning, noon and night. 
The day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through. 
G-d picked me up and hugged me and this is what He said.

“I welcome you. 
It is good to have you back again. 
You were missed while you were gone. 
As for your dear family, they will be here later on. 
I need you badly, you are part of my plan. 
There is so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man.”

G-d gave me a list of things that He wished for me to do. 
And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you. 
And when you lie in bed at night, the day’s chores put to flight, 
G-d and I are closest to you…In the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years..
Because you are only human, they are bound to bring you tears. 
But do not be afraid to cry: it does relieve the pain
Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain.

I wish that I could tell you all that G-d has planned. 
If I were to tell you, you would not understand. 
But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is over. 
I am closer to you now, than I ever was before.

There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb;
But together we can do it by taking one day at a time. 
It was always my philosophy and I would love it for you too:
That as you give unto the world, the world will give to you.

If you can help somebody who is in sorrow and pain;
Then you can say to G-d at night… “My day was not in vain.”
And now I am contented…that my life was worthwhile. 
Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile. 
So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low;
Just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way to go.

When you are walking down the street
And you have me on your mind:
I am walking in your footsteps only half a step behind. 
And when it’s time for you to go…from that body to be free.
Remember you are not going…You are coming here to me. 
Author Unknown

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Thanks Laurie, it is one of those poems that I have read in the past but feel a jolt of goodness with each reading...thanks for always putting your heart on the page.

 

Yes Sherry, Gillian's  family has not reached out at this point, but perhaps they will. I gave them this site so it could be that they will read here and feel the understanding that runs between us all. As far as bullying, I am trying to think of lessons that go beyond what is in our curriculum that will really touch the topic with more genuine concerns. B ullying touches our lives and we need to know what to do...We did not plant sunflowers this year or last as we had such an infestation of attack bugs on them a few years ago, they got raggedy and killed off as soon as they got tall. ARGH! I love sunflowers, especially this time of year when the finch sit atop them and sweep their beaks across the heads filling their jowls with seeds.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Dee, thanks for sharing too, the young man Bradley just made an impression on me. What I did not say, is that on the day of his death, he had just stopped at accident site earlier and attended the victims there until official paramedics arrived. At that accident, one man died there and the other badly hurt. It was about an hour later that he himself died in a one car accident. The police -- when they went to thank him -- found that he had already died. Also, he was an orthodox Jew in a priesthood line (by their genealogy records) so why it is worded G-d.

Also, thanks for sharing the story of your friend to let others know that sometimes friendships don't always survive after we change. I liked the way you phrased it, that some of the things she did "Just made your heart hurt". I think that is a good measuring tool. I had one friendship I had to let go too.

Perhaps using that phrase that would also be a good way of teaching kindness to children. To use that as a simple measuring tool. However, I think that there is too much confusion in the culture today,. Lately I have been watching old movies from late 50s and 60s...I just watched a Doris Day movie. What I did not know about her until my mom told me yesterday, is that she lost her only son to cancer sometime ago. She is now active in animal rescue work.

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Mermaid Tears

We returned from Port A.....will write more about it later.....loved that story and poem Laurie.....love Doris Day....have you seen the movie 'Giant'....?? Still one of my favorites....

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Oh Dianne, yes, all of those things and more. Goodness knows that when I see someone that I love that I know I will not get to see on a regular basis, I feel sad. You are missing the lives of the ones you love, and yes being there was good, seeing them, playing with your little 4 year old, so wonderful and fulfilling, but at the same time, it was a limited time and that alone is anxiety producing, now count in the disappointment that your Daughter let you know that she feels sad when she sees you, in some ways its cause she knows you so well, she sees and feels your ache, but in other ways, you feel that perhaps you can't grieve with her. And feeling as a puzzle piece that does not quite fit...because of distance alone, you are not in the daily lives and routines of your Daughter and Grandgirl, so you were on the outside looking in...and the hope that you could all go to sarasota together was a good dream, but it did not come through and I am so sorry. Now also take in account that the altitude is a bother to your body, so you also are dealing with your system maybe taking on more stress than your body wants...so perhaps being in your home a few days will even that piece out. Your Grandgirl sounds adorable and very loving, connected to you more than a lot of kids might be with grandparents far away...it sounds like she loved having you nearby. I am hoping that you will feel better in a few days but it is okay if you are sad, we are here to listen. We are changed, the basic US is still here, but we have so many new pieces due to grief...it is not easy to be near us for some, we bring up the reality that some would rather not acknowledge. I hold you close my friend.

Laurie, what a sweet and lovely man that young man was, to stop to help others and then sadly, to die soon after. His final act on earth was one of humanity and care, one of true heart and soul. Yes, I do remind my students each year that if someone is treating them poorly, even if it is someone they love or live with, they need to make sure that they have someone to talk with, and if a friend or whomever, does things that make your heart hurt...understand that it is not okay to hurt your heart...get some help to assist you in finding ways to feel better. Not all kids can figure out how not to play wiht someone, so they keep playing because they don't how to say NO, or they are afraid that they will not have any friends if they do say No. It is so tricky for some kids, I had some very tricky kids last year, with very difficult behavior and one with a personality disorder...that child could change the dynamic in the room very easily, and several children were in the snare of that child's anger. That child was a lot like my dear old friend who was very narcissitic and unable to allow anyone their issues and especially if the issues took you away from helping her.

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Susan, welcome home, we will look forward to your stories from Port A. Laurie, I watched every Doris Day movie growing up as well as every Spencer Tracy and Lauren Bacall and Kate Hepburn, and all of those wonderful stars and movies that were sweet- Carey Grant was one of my favorites, as was Gregory Peck, Gary Cooper, Myrna Loy, Claudette Colbert...for those in the same age category, (I am 61), the movies from those times were the ones we emulated, much less violent and graphic.

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My girl is in heaven

I just keep rewriting and it is 1am. I have lost the ability to have a normal nights sleep hence i just get an hour or so here and there. Grief just seems to be tightening its grip lately. It has taken away my spark for life, my hopes and dreams for my children, my ability to enjoy a beautiful summer day. It has left me filled with guilt, sadness, depression and a yearning deep in my heart for things that will never be.  When does it ever stop taking?

Im sorry i havent been responding to entries. I always like to help if i can. I think someone mentioned about finding the sunshine again.  Thinking of you all and how we are all walking side by side in this awful journey that none of us want to be on. Hugs. 

 

 

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Louanne, guilt seems to be the one common symptom that hangs on and on and on. I know, you know, we all know, that we never would want our Kids to be hurt or die...even in our hardest moments with them, so letting go of that guilt is necessary to breathe in a full breath of good fresh air. It is necessary to see the blue skies as the beautiful skies they are one day, and my wish for you is that you will be able to more fully enjoy the world. I needed help with that, so went to a therapist, and was lucky to have the right person to help me...for those of you who either haven't had good response with therapy, or are just thinking about going, one tool that is helpful is making your timeline. I encouraged my sister to make her timeline as she makes progress in going to therapy. So we draw a line like our kids did in school...and the dates or years that big things occur...it can be painful, it can be cleansing, but mosly, we see connections on the time line...if we see that after the loss of our Child, we have dates of when we lost a job, or lost a friend, or stopped going out...we can see the ways we retreat and the ways that many go away from us, we see our steps and the steps of others. While on its own this may seem like a lesson in heartbreak, sometimes it is a visual/emotional way back to the sunshine again. A ladder of sorts to climb out of the dark a bit. Often these timelines are a good tool to take into therapy with you. As you remember things, you can put them on the line.

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laurie what a moving poem and so accurate in the descriptions. Thanks for sharing.

dee the timeline therapy is interesting i have not heard of that before but i can see it would be very beneficial. i find I go up and down without reason sometimes but as you said before you go with the flow.

louann we all struggle at different times for different reasons and the great thing about this site is that there are always friends who help to pick you up and make you feel less alone. posting is therapeutic it forces you to put the words down that are most painful to your heart. It takes time to be able to write about the death of your child but slowly it becomes a little easier to write. After reading or posting I often go on quote sites to read them which i find helpful. I look for ones to share but also they speak to how I feel and the knowledge that others get the craziness the overwhelming sorrow the yearning etc help me. sometimes i will listen to music and let the lyrics envelop me. it is important to let yourself feel those emotions even if they are painful. The guilt is the hardest thing to resolve but there is nothing more you could have done to save your girl you need to let it go. It happened, there was nothing you can change about that tragic day, there will never be a different outcome, good people die unexpectedly. The most important thing is to be able to accept those facts and put the guilt away. it is vital to your wellbeing and those of your family to try and find something positive about losing your child whether it is a charity fun run or collecting for a defibrillator for a public building or volunteering, just something to honour your girl's memory. i know that being positive seems impossible at times, I struggle with that too, we all do, but it is vital to recognise better days and do things for yourself so that you keep on trying. We are all learning to adjust it takes time and patience and determination. We will be with you all the way ok?

dianne I feel that slight distance, kind of feeling almost like you are an observer more than a natural participant even when with those you love. It is not conscious i think it is because we have been so badly broken by our losses we are subconsciously trying to protect ourself from being hurt again. we are not the same people we were before it is a process of learning to accept our different personalities. Also because we try and put a fake face on sometimes to make people around us happier it feels like a lot of things we do feel like an act as well. Wow it is so complicated isn't it?

I hope everyone finds a bit of soul sunshine this week. My objective is doing some much overdue weeding, ripping out the negative smothering weeds so the flowers can see the sun.

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tobyfreefoot

Diane I have often felt that way when visiting my other kids. Grief sometimes has kept me separated inside an invisible shell. It is hard to be at peace enough to feel connected to people again. I have been working hard at that myself.

Laurie I loved the poem you posted. I have been trying hard to follow the angel lady's message and communicate with forest from a place of love and calm and watch for signs. 

A young Hindu friend of forest's contacted me because his face and mine kept floating up in her mind so she was calling to check on me. She then asked to light candles for us when she did her prayers. Also one of forest's friends suddenly for no reason posted a video of forest  that he posted 6 years ago.

Tommy's mom I have had many people try to make me drop visiting this site. They simply do not understand what it is like to be in our shoes and need the community of others. And as far as being lazy lol no one knows how hard it is sometimes for us to get up and face another day much less do anything. 

I hope you can find your way through that heavy feeling and fog to a couple of hours of light today.

Love to all

received_10212475908426217.jpeg

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Louanne...if we had known ahead of time, what was down the road, both in happiness and in tragedies, we would not have been able to live in any of the moments we had, we may not have had our Kids to begin with, in order to avoid the pain of loss, but to tell you the truth, I would not trade one day I had with Erica, in order to never feel the pain of losing her. She lived, she spread joy, she had a loud and contagious laugh, she had big hands to hold mine, and she had issues too, learning issues, these were some of her traits...but I hate to think of the world without her in it, and once in it, always in it. Erica's spirit and her energy exist all around us...memories of her are lodged in the hearts of many, so she helped change lives for the better...our Kids lived, and continue to live on in all those who carry their spirits with them. I would not trade that; that is golden.

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Beautiful photo by the way Louanne

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