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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Sometimes Louanne, we are exactly where the universe needs us to be, you found us when you did, and that is what makes us all smile. And thanks for saying "a nice teacher". I am a loving teacher I know that, and I have good insights and instincts so that is good...sometimes we learn how not to be when we meet up with a mean person, just as important a lesson as we never want to be like that. We learn from the good the bad the sad, all of it.

Last evening a friend of mine: teacher, texted and said that a young girl going into sophmore year at our local high school, where my kids went, died suddenly. All I know of her is she was a track star, don't know any circumstances yet. Apparently, she attended our school for 1 and 2 grade but I don't know her never having had her and I teach 3rd. I will reach out to the parents when things settle down some and invite them here. Prayers for Gillian's family.

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Susan, thank you for sharing your post yesterday. It warmed my heart and came at just the right time. I agree about how we all interconnect with the universe through our actions. Whether it be in a grand style... or in a simple one on one way with another human being... we all put that love and caring back. I remember Muhammad Ali said: "Service to others is the rent we pay for our room here on Earth." 

Dianne, I am glad to see you back and wondered what had happened. I can honestly say that you have always offered a kind word and support to all. Never feel that you have let the side down. That simply is not true. 

Dee, so sorry to hear about a former student. Sending prayers for her family. I am happy to see that there is more awareness about depression and now I hope that people will pay better attention to that information. I also would like to add that there are many loving and supportive families that have lost a child to depression. That is the nature of this beast. So frequently the ones suffering the most are very good at hiding it. We all need to show compassion and understanding and hopefully when we see someone struggling, or if they feel safe in opening up to us... we can direct them towards the proper professional help...without fear of stigmatization.   

It is another fabulous day here today. Brilliant sunny skies. We are off to attend the celebration of life for our friend this afternoon. I'm sure he will smile to himself when he see his many friends and family gathered to pay tribute to him. 

Love to ALL, for a decent day.

Kate

 

 

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I just have to say that I have shared more with all of you than I have with my closest friends. It seems really nobody wants to hear that I am still grieving the loss of Skylar..really the loss of my brother and Skylar. It seems people want to see me "laugh" and "be good"!!!! I don't know what to say...they haven't lost a child and quite honestly I would never wish it upon my worst enemy. With my daughter leaving across the country for university I feel I have lost both in a year...being a nuturer I'm at a loss for words. One thing you have to know is that my relationship with Skylar was like no other....it was like I knew him before...we had such a strong connection ...we NEVER fought ..argued...disagreed...! My BIGGEST fear in life was to lose Skylar. I thank you for being by my side while I navigate through this path that is very convoluted....

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

It's been a while since I've been here. This summer has been so busy. Zak graduated in May. This summer seemed to be the time all my friends and family from up north wanted to visit. Since the end of May it's been constantly busy. My nephew (my brothers biological son who was adopted shortly after birth by his stepfather) was told about us just recently and his mother (who was once a very close friend) asked for a weekend here for him to meet us all. It's been a wonderful but very emotional and very exhausting summer so far. My grief has evolved to a very private place. Dealing with my ptsd has been hard and I've just found myself in a place of 'no words'. I really needed to come here though. It's the only place I could come. I got the call yesterday. The girl who was driving the day I lost Tris, tried to take her own life. She's in ICU with no brain activity. My heart is breaking. I can't stop thinking of and praying for her family. She was just here for Zak's graduation. In true Ashley style she jumped right in when she saw me running around like a crazy person and helped with everything. We made plans for a visit before school started, when things weren't so crazy. She told Zak she would bring his friends from home who he doesn't see much and spend a weekend. We are so devastated. I've only seen Zak cry twice since he was 13. Once for his Sister and now for Ash.

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PTSD is a horrible place. Flashbacks can haunt you and are so hard. I flashback to the morning I had to give Skylar CPR and his face was turning yellow and his lips purple...he kicked and I thought "omg he has a chance" 

flashbacks to when I held his beautiful face and had to say goodbye...the doctors telling me they could not save him and telling me they wanted his "corneas"

i only had a few minutes with him with the doctors around me ready to take him away. I saw him minutes later with a blanket over him and a tag on him....

sometimes I don't know how I live day to day but I do it. 

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Tommy's mum

Dianne i have never seen anything  even vaguely offensive in your posts. i think you are one of the most supportive and understanding members. i am sad you felt the need to withdraw but sooo glad you came back to us you were missed. We are not always going to agree with each other or each other's thoughts because we are all unique individuals, just because we all have lost a child does not mean we have identical thought processes. it depends on where you are in your journey. The parent that upset you was prob still in the anger/defensive stage and hit out because of her own stuff not yours. I like that we are all different.

mermaidtears i agree we all need to strive to be kind aand try and make a difference in a positive way even if it seems very small and insignificant. i believe maya Angelou made a well known quote about you never forget how someone made you feel and that is true. Words can raise you up or bring you down they have a power that is huge.

On 7/22/2017 at 4:44 PM, Mermaid Tears said:

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There is an unexplained and mystical pathway of fizzing, sparkling, loving energy, that runs invisibly underneath our world and interconnects one human to another. It is not something Science can record and nor is it something money can buy.

The poorest person can leave the longest loving trail behind him, when his time on this earth is over. Likewise, the woman who ‘on paper’ didn’t achieve all that much, can actually have made an impact deeper than any political or social revolution and more enduring than any grand building.

Love that quote, your entire post was superbly written.

Thanks for all the congrats on my daughter's graduation i appreciate it. It is wonderful when despite grieving our family members can pick up and succeed at things. i hope to succeed at something too one day. My 3 kids all came down for the w/e which is always lovely but all arrived and left at different times so it seemed very brief. Celebrating the good times is important and always being there via a phone/text. my daughter will move in with me in a couple weeks while she finds a job, the city she is in is notorious for having few jobs. I hope she will be able to find employment and a subsequent training scheme so she can move to another city to find her career. having a degree is not enough sometimes due to the number of applicants for such a few jobs. she will be well looked after and supported until she is ready financially to leave the nest again!

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi just a quick catch up I'm so ill facing having my right kidney removed just waiting to be well enough to face the operation.  I've had the nuclear scan to see how well its functioning feeling so ill I just can't cope.  But your post and your words keep me going and give me hope so thank you so much for that.  Sorry I've missed so many angel dates and anniversaries there always in my thoughts and prayers and my heart xx

God Bless gxx

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We returned home after a very fitting send off for a truly giving person. I know he would have loved the gathering. He was a member if an antique car club and was definitely into bands like Pink Floyd, Dire Straits, and the Stones. The main message was that he loved everyone without  hesitation or discrimination. What a lovely legacy to leave behind.

Shannon, oh my dear ...I am so very sorry. The poor girl. I'm glad you came here to talk. The place where we all get it. Please keep us posted and we are sending loving wishes and prayers your way. I have really missed your posts.

Somersky...PTSD really is a horrible thing. I imagine we all suffer from one form of it on this site after losing a loved one. It has been seven years since my son died and my husband and I still find ourselves pushing back the memories from that night. We, too, performed CPR on him even after he took his last breath waiting for the paramedics. The feeling still haunts my husband as he felt his last breath.I will tell you this...now after several years we push that memory to the back burner and focus on something that makes us smile when we think of him. It will take quite some time to find your feet touch the ground again. But know this...we have all walked in those shoes and we are still functioning. We have our ups and downs and good and bad days even after a lot of time has passed. Hold on with both hands and know we are here for you.

Tommy's Mom, heck it sounds to me as if you have raised your children in a very responsible manner. That to me is a huge accomplishment! It will be lovely to have her with you for those few weeks. Enjoy her company while you can. Tell me, did they finally get over the silly reporting about our GG gently guiding the Queen's elbow while she descended the stairs of Canada House? I know it was considered a break with protocol... but honestly...he was concerned that she might take a tumble and the results could have been fairly serious. A full face plant could have been a lot worse. 

Well, we are off to sit outside to sip a cool drink and toast our dear friend. Thinking of everyone. 

Heck Georgina, I just read your post. Please know we are wishing you the best of recoveries and a speedy one if I do say so!

 

Kate:)

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Somersky, I am so glad that you have found some respite here, some understanding and protection.

Shannon, I am so sad for your news...Ashley was just with you and now is just hanging on. I am sure that your hearts are roken...she was never able to fully forgive herself was she. Poor Baby. Are you in contact wiht her parents? Hug Zak for us all, as we understand the ache and pain he is feeling. Give him a congratulatory hug as well, graduated and ready for the next step. Does he have a next step planned?

PTSD is the worst, and most of us have suffered it on some level. Remember to take extra good care of yourselves...

Georgina, I know that you don't feel up to the changes coming but boy, it could be that after this surgery, you are going to start being so much healthier. Prayers in that direction sweet Woman.

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Mermaid Tears

Dear...sweet friends on this website.....a dear and long time friend sent me that post....it so touched me....I wanted to share it with all of you...as soon as I posted it I was going to post some other news...but....phone rang...and then...I had a house full...a patio full....a pool full.....family and friends coming and going...and now I have a empty house...and some time. It does give us food for thought...and we just never know how a small act of kindness...or consideration will touch someone. We All Know That on this site....for we reach out to each other with care and compassion.

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Mermaid Tears

Oh Shannon....I was just thinking of you the other day.....we have many new parents on the site now....and some are having a really hard time....I wanted them to 'know' about you and your situation and circumstances when your Trista passed away....I would actually 'cringe' just reading your posts...and then I would say special prayers for you at night and morning....to give you strength and stamina.....you had such uphill...challenges....you had very little support...certain members of your family were more like enemies...and you had your two sons to take care of all by yourself...you had lost your husband before you lost Trista and your present husband was having issues with drug use. You had to claw your way up a rocky mountain...and carry your grief. Then....you found another path....one in which you could gather your boys and live in a sweet home...all of you safe and find a way to not only survive but to thrive. I am so proud of you...we all know it was not easy. I am beyond sad for you and the boys....I so remember your posts about Trista's friends coming and being there for Halloween and Christmas...her birthday....her angel date. I so remember you posting about her. It is a tragic tragedy. Please keep us posted. Very happy for Zak...a great milestone for the young man.

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So this weekend, our basement flooded and the sump pump failed at 10:30 PM, just when all the hardware stores had closed for the evening. We stayed up all night trying to keep things out of the water and I noticed that some of Nathaniel's things got a little wet on the bottom and my heart was crushed. I spent most of Sunday in the basement sorting through what could be salvaged and what had to be thrown out. It was a cruel end to the cruelest year on record.  Tomorrow is Nathan's angel date, and I am not sure I'll be on to respond. I'm tired. I have that major surgery in one week as well, so I'm getting double the dose of stress and anxiety. We also found out that one of Nathan's friends committed suicide over the weekend, and I know he was distraught for a long time after Nathan's passing.  I reached out to his mother and we both had a very long conversation filled with lots of tears and lots of hugs. I have that funeral to attend next weekend. She did not want to have it during the week.

Tomorrow we are going to plant a tree in a protected forest preserve and place a spoonful of his ashes beneath with the help of a ranger friend of ours.

He loved the outdoors and camping, so we felt it was only fitting.

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Mermaid Tears

Devianz....when it rains...it pours. There are times I wish I could live 'down the street' when I hear the issues and challenges some parents are having. For now...all I have are words...but those words come from my heart. Yes....we feel your stress and anxiety..when so many things happen that are out of our control..it makes our grief so very hard to carry. We simply feel as if we spin and spin...and feel dizzy...and overwhelmed. You reached out to that Mom...for you know dark days are ahead for that family....what is going on with the suicide of so many young ones....our granddaughter has had to attend two funerals in 2 months of young men committing suicide....we had a long talk yesterday. We will be 'with you' tomorrow...we can feel your 'tired' ...what a unique way to bless and honor your boy....I so love the idea of his ashes being placed in a forest. John David loved the outdoors, too. We blessed and scattered his ashes in the bay at Port Aransas....in front of the Lydia Ann Lighthouse....one of his favorite places to fish. Please try to get little time outs to rest and put your feet up...breathe deeply....eat fruit and drink lots of cool water...get a little sunshine.

 

Somersky.....even though I have a shattered heart...all the pieces are on the floor of my life....I still have enough intact to have unconditional empathy for another parent. I am on the 5th year of my grief journey....and I think that it is by the Grace of God/Mother/Father of the Universe...and the parents on this site...that I have 'got by' ....day by day....day to day....it is like I am on Auto-Pilot some days....the first 3 years I had such foggy thinking...still do some days...but we learn to live one day at a time....we live one hour to another hour some days....but 'we have promises to keep...and miles to go before we sleep'.....Stay in Grace...Stay in Peace.

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Mermaid Tears

Dianne.....I was thinking you were visiting your sweet family.....I can truthfully state that I have never read any of your posts that were callous or caustic. You have such a 'sweet' heart...and a thoughtful way of caring. (Even though you lived a life with a Mother who seemed to have no love for you.) I think you have done an outstanding job of rising above that childhood....and finding yourself placing footsteps of love and compassion. You owe no one an apology...and I hope you can brush that remark/words away like you do a fly and get back to being you and being a part of this site. We are all so unique...and come from so many backgrounds and directions....that way....there can be one or some that can really identify with some parents in ways that other parents can't. This kind of grief does not have a 'One Size Fits All'. We have all had our share of heartache and heartbreak...we don't need another to add to that layer of pain.

Dee...am glad your boy is having a good recovery. One of my DIL had back surgery about 3 months ago...although not as extensive as your boy....she is doing fine. I was hoping the Dr. would suggest/order that she lose some weight before surgery...she is quite heavy/chunky....and am sure this causes some of her back issues...and other health issues....but he didn't. I think her recovery will be short lived.

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Susan,

Thank you so much for your kind words.  What I like about putting him out there is that we are going to be with a group of people, friends and a few family, who are going to be planting over 30 trees tomorrow as an effort to put some trees back in an area that had an invasive species (Buckthorn) burned away about a year ago.  Once I walk away from the planted tree with Nathan's ashes under them, I'll forget which one was his but know that it is one of them.  Providing shade and shelter to the wildlife in the area for many generations to come.  It won't matter which one, just that everyone came together to give life to the earth after tearing away the weeds and trees that kill the area habitat.  It will be nice to know it's there. Cleaning the water with it's roots and the air with it's leaves. It's peaceful and it will get me out of the house and involve me in busy work so that I am not wallowing or dwelling in the dark corners.

We plan on spending the evening at the beach weather permitting, it was one of his favourite places to play guitar and we live about a mile away.  Hopefully some of our family and friends join us there as well. It will be nice to watch the sunset.

For those with PTSD, it is such a hard part of the whole grieving process when it's there. I had to watch the video of my son being murdered, and it's something I am traumatized with to this day. Even sometimes when I close my eyes briefly.  And sometimes it is little things that set it off, a bit in a movie... a word from someone. The other night I burst into tears during dinner because a commercial came on in the other room about milestones you'll want to remember in your child's life as they grow to have children of their own. It adds a layer to the sorrow that feels like our wounds get flayed all over again and become raw and bleeding again. I've been being treated with this therapy called EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing and I am about 5 treatments in of an 8 session treatment phase and it's working okay but the problem for me is that I am going to be re-exposed to the trauma during the trial phase of the man who murdered my son and possibly exposed to more.  Most medical plans don't cover it (like everything else mental-health related if you live in the US) and there is always a stigma to any mental health treatment even in todays world.

As for the increase in suicides among the young, it's so many things.  It's a multifaceted problem that people don't want to look at.  It is the marginalization of youth in both the media and stereotypes, it's the bleak outlook in the world post 911, it's the sociopathy of social media and overexposure of violence and despair on TV.  It's a lack of good role models over the inundation of role models who are unrealistic and unattainable (Kardashians, Disney princesses, media that only covers models and actresses who expose themselves for vanity sake, a music industry that loves it's drugs and scandals) as well as a lack of morals and values in general that kids are exposed to. It's the quick gratification of electronic devices and "reality TV"  versus the reality of the world outside their 7 inch screens.  It's so many things, and it's also the cruelty of other children who take examples from people who are in power and even in some cases, run our country.  We, as older adults, MUST recognize that children growing up now do have it extremely rough in a more exposed way than we ever had it in our day. We have to reach out our hand to comfort and try to understand instead of condemning them, or calling them "weak" for having depression, mental health issues or worse... vilifying the other children who have walked the path into darkness and not recovered.

I know for me as a parent who knows what it's like to lose a child, it is important for me to reach out to other parents when I see a child exhibiting behaviour that can lead them into despair or even put them in danger.  I don't worry anymore about how that parent sees me, or if they think I'm meddling.  We SHOULD meddle even if it saves just one child.  It takes a community to raise a child...

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Divianz, I am so sorrry that you were involved with the flooding, I live near the Des Plaines River but we did not get flooded...I am just outside of Chicago...You do have a lot on your plate with surgery coming up as well as the flood, and all of it flanking that date, that date that marks your Boy's death. We stand with you as you face that benchmark of time. I agree with Susan, if we lived down the block from each other, we would be in your kitchen making a pot of coffee or tea, we would take up a shovel and plant a tree alongside all those that will stand to honor your Boy and help grow the forest stronger.Tomorrow, while you are out planting trees, may you know that your Son is grinning ear to ear that you are honoring his love of the outdoors with a living memorial.

We have two trees in Erica's name, one at the school where I work, where she attended, and one at the end of a park that is on the block where we used to live. I tie ribbons on them each year, and the one at school is decorated every April for my Girl's birthday...my students and me decorate. I love looking up at the upper branches to see some sun bleached old ribbons that stayed fastened to the trees as they grew.

I agree with the many reasons you stated about depression. I walked a strip of beach this morning (vacation) asking Erica to help us get better at not just recognizing deep sadness in kids/teens/adults, but with treatment options. As it turns out, and as I feared with nothing in the news about Gillian from our town, she killed herself this weekend. Her sudden death which is leaving a town reeling, leaving a family in shards, was by suicide. Her Dad is a coach at the high school that she and her siblings attend...her mom, an outreach person at a local church...this child had a very loving life and many friends, but something desperately changed her ability to cope...she jumped to her death from a highway overpass. The teachers that I know who knew and loved this Child, are gutted. Nobody saw it. So Angels All, help us become better at starting the conversations earlier, help us teach kids at very young ages how to reach out when they don't feel quite as they should, help us teach them to recognize signs in themselves and ways to get help without stigma. God Help us find ways to be better servants to these Kiddos. Help us always use our voices to gain the strength and guidance and help we need.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Dianne, I was wondering where you were there...I don't know really what was up with whoever said that...So Sorry and Big Hugs!

Susan, saw another mermaid shirt the other day! I am glad your Gramma Essie showed up on here again...I miss your postings of her sayings...I kind of felt she was here in spirit.. =)

Kate, I was reading another bereaved mom's posting on another forum about her lost boy due to suicide...she said he never felt "good enough"... He jumped. I think that sometimes those souls cannot adjust to what can be a harsh world at times...

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Lesley, that was so true, " It is like being two different people inhabiting the same body with different emotions inside. " This is me all the time.

I send gentle thoughts out to all of you  here....just worked all weekend...

Georgina, you and your family are in my prayers and heart...I wish I could give you a hug, so just know that you are! I am sure many here feel the same. 

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

I just got the call. She didn't make it. Services will be next week sometime. I can't help feeling this has been a four year long tragedy. I will be going 'home'... back where this all started four years ago. My heart hurts so much for everyone... But especially her parents. Thank you all for being here. Just trying to wrap my head around it all. 

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Shannon, what sadness for you all. I am so sorry. She struggled to find a way and couldn't. I am holding your hands and heart as you face this very sad time.

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

So sorry Shannon. Prayers to the family.

 

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Shannon, I am so very sorry for her family and friends. My heart goes out to all of you.

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Mermaid Tears

Shannon....I think many parents on this site...(when you were so active) ...will remember her..her name..Ashley...why oh why....don't they know that everything changes? Bad days do go away...good days do go away....there is up and down...there is always a place. 

Laurie...just today..I was thinking of you....and wondered if you have done any research into teen suicide ? You are so...so smart. You know how to get the facts. I was thinking...what if every local..state...radio..TV station...broadcast their suicide rate EACH NIGHT....I think that would get the attention needed to get awareness on the top burner of every state legislation. We...on this site...probably has more insight into teen suicide because we come together from all parts of the world. That way....it would become not a fact that needs to be hidden away...but brought forth...for everyone to see...it is like an epidemic of teen suicide.

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My girl is in heaven

Devianz.  My thoughts and prayers are with you today as you face Nathan's first Angel date.  You have faced and survived that difficult year with all the firsts without your dear boy.  The tree planting is a lovely tribute.  Glad you will be surrounded by all those loving people today.  May Nathan shine down upon you today and let you know he is there by your side. Hope your keeping your strength up for your upcoming surgery.  Hugs to you today from Canada.  Take care  

Georgina.  Strength to you to get thru your latest upset. You have had so much crap thrown your way.  Be strong my friend.  I hope Charlotte has made a full recovery.  

Shannon. I am new here, but am terribly sorry for the loss of your daughter and now this other young girl.  Way too much sadness. Sending prayers and hugs your way. 

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Tommy's mum

Shannon so sorry about that young girl another tragedy. I'm sorry I don't remember your story (empty brain syndrome) was this the girl driving when your son was killed? I guess it was a car accident that caused his loss. I am sorry I get some stories a bit muddled up sometimes as we are fortunate to have many members. Each death is a horrible horrible tragedy but suicide seems to cause more questions for those left behind, who wonder what they missed and what they could have done, whereas in reality they could not prevent the suicide. it is the individuals final decision to end their pain which I absolutely get because I have been there and I will never forgive myself for what I put my family through. Your mind is altered by mental instability and you are very often not in control of yourself or your actions. It is a terrible terrible thing. I believe that is a hell on earth. Please understand i absolutely do not mean to offend anyone by minimising their own losses, we all walk together in grief and pain and are forever changed and we all suffer through hell. I am so glad you came back to share it validates that no one understands like another bereaved parent and allows us all to help each other and ourselves. I think there is a separate forum for suicide which may be really helpful for those who need it on this site?

dee so sorry that Gillian too was a suicide. We do seem to have a huge problem in all countries where the numbers have risen alarmingly despite the fact that we are taking steps to alleviate it. Often the professional medical and psychiatric help is not affordable or available in the necessary time which is appalling. Instant recognition is essential to be able to keep a vulnerable person safe until with proper medications and therapy until they are more mentally stable and enjoy a chance to relive life. Some people like me get a second chance but others sadly do not. I also feel it is also because life is way more stressful than it ever has been before and that our coping skills have gotten less strong. Also in the instant society in which we live I especially fear for our younger adults and teens who are so used to acting out every emotion via phone or text or instagram who are perhaps caught up in a momentary lapse of stability and act impulsively. It is a fearful thing. all we can do is to be a listening ear to those in need beside our family members and just encourage everyone to talk and share and be able to offer them a lifeline of help support and hope.

Dee and devianz a tree is a wonderful idea for memorialising, showing growth and bloom and life besides replacing valuable trees for our world and sustenance for wildlife. I love trees and have planted some in every garden I have had. In my mini UK garden I have miniature trees in pots. I hear very good things about EMDR therapy hope it works to minimise the trauma. We have all been traumatised by the loss of our children whether we were present when they passed or not, whether we had to make medical decisions to stop life support or found them passed away in their sleep. all we can do is support each other and carry on and share. Although it may seem minor sometimes a word or two or a quote can change someone's day or be meaningful. I will be thinking of you on Nathan's angel date especially it is a hard day to get through. sorry you have had so much **** happen and hope your precious belongings are safe from water damage.

laurie hope you are doing ok and feel our support.

jeffsmom thanks for your kind words it is very difficult to coparent adult children with two warring parents. I am frequently misunderstood when my daughter in particular takes offence at something she perceives as insulting to her father. I cannot tell her that if I meant something mean I would just come out and say it! have given up after many years of trying to make peace for thier sake it takes two willing parents to do and he won't try at all so we ignore and avoid each other at all costs. sad but just the way it is. Yes your gg has been forgiven here!!

 

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

Thank you all. It's sad for me to see so many new faces. I've been reading back through to learn your stories. I'm so sorry for the losses that brought you here but I am glad you've found this place. You've already felt, I'm sure all the understanding and compassion that exists here. I found this place shortly after I lost my Daughter, Trista, on June 1, 2013.  I was an active member here until this year. This place was/is a lifeline for so many. This past year I haven't been here much. I have an almost 8 year old Son, Aiden and my Zak is 18. I needed to focus a lot of my attention on them as it was Zak's Senior year of High School and I was homeschooling Aiden for first grade. We had also moved away and bought a small piece of land and started a very small farm. That took a lot of attention. I was just in a place where I needed to step back some, knowing I would always have this 'home' when I was able to be here. 

My Daughter, Trista was killed in a car accident when the car she was a passenger in was hit by a tanker truck. Her best friend, Ashley was driving the car. It's been a really rough road. Trista was just 20 days away from her 18th Birthday and Ashley was not quite 17. Ashley was tried and convicted of vehicular manslaughter. There was the 2 year battle with the insurance companies that required both of us to relive the events over and over. I finally settled out of court, in large part because I felt it was just breaking us more and more. There were times she and I were not allowed to talk because of the case but we kept in contact as we were able. Once the case was settled we were finally able to talk more openly. We had both come a long way and it was easier. She was almost 20 by that point and in nursing school. She seemed to be doing so well. We had moved away by then but she made a couple trips this year to visit and stay a couple days with us. I thought keeping that connection was important for her. It was for me too. She would check in. We stayed in contact via Facebook. She was planning another trip down soon. She was almost done with her clinicals for nursing school. I just had no idea she was struggling so much. I always wanted her to know there was no blame. If anything I blamed the county for ignoring a dangerous intersection where others had been killed and many injured. I blamed the truck driver for ignoring the caution and reduced speed signs. But Ash was a 16 year old girl who would never have hurt Trista for anything and now had to live with this. I wonder if I shouldn't have reached out more but didn't want to hold the Girl's back. They all were with me a lot in that first year but I felt like it was good for them to move forward and wasn't surprised when the visits lessened. I let them know they would always be a part of my life and had an open door but knew they all were graduating, starting college, getting jobs... some of them even getting married and starting families. I never wanted them to feel an obligation. I also needed to shift my focus to my Boys. Losing Trista, they lost me too for a time and I knew they needed me. I just can't really wrap my head around all of this. 

Some pictures of Trista Mae <3

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Mermaid Tears

Thank you, Shannon for letting us see your girl again....we know that missing her 24/7 has now by some form of sacred osmosis...has entered your blood..every cell...your soul ...your spirit...your beating heart. That is how I feel about my John David...what was abnormal...has now become my new normal. You have done the right and true....as you knew you would have to find a new place to live...(leave that old familiar place that no longer served you and the boys)...to find a new home where the 3 of you could learn to grow and thrive....and you focused on the boys...your living children. Many parents make a grave mistake in ignoring the 'living'. You have also taught them that one can endure a tragedy...and learn to honor our child/sibling that left this earth home...and go on with a life of dignity and a spirit of living each day as a gift.

   I have also learned that there are many situations...circumstances...where I will never learn an answer. I use to think there was an answer/reasoning for every 'Why' I asked....no longer. I am only human...and do not have super human control.....simply super human love. I am sending you prayers for strength and stamina in the days ahead....I feel so very sad for Zak.

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Lesley, we all muddle each other's stories...there are many new stories here and so I too, have to go back and look at who lost whom...You came after Shannon was less visible here...

Shannon, I think that nobody could have known that Ashley was as close to the edge as she was...perhaps she did not know either until she saw an opportunity to just be done.

I think that having each state or city in each state list the numbers of both OD deaths and suicides would be a HUGE wake up call to the world...Wake up we need to make changes.

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Shannon, I do remember how close you were with Ashley. I  also know how difficult this situation is for you to try to understand. Suicide is a very complex issue. In the case of my son he managed to hide his depression behind laughter and joking. Many people thought he was the life of every party. Underneath lurked a deeper and darker self. A young man that had low self-esteem. We supported him and encouraged him in every way that we could. Did we know he was planning this? Never. In fact, he ate dinner with us that evening before going to his room. He appeared to be fine to us. He did not leave a note. We will never know the exact reason that he was pushed over the edge. It has been several years now since... and at the beginning I honestly did not think that I would be able to find the strength to survive and continue living in any reasonable fashion. It has taken a lot of effort and a huge amount of patience to be able to say that I am managing as well as I can. I have found I am able to enjoy many things again that I never thought possible. I am a very different person than I was before this happened. I know it sounds lame to say that time has a way of healing, but it honestly does. There will always be triggers that cause a reaction and so I often avoid them if at all possible. If not...I try to face the situation as best as I can. You must tell yourself this...that you offered every support and kindness that you could. Poor Ash was in a place where she desperately needed professional help. I have found that those who are the most serious about suicide usually get it right the first time around. My heart aches for her family and for all of you. I am convinced that she is surrounded by those that love her in a life free of her internal pain. HUGS to you.

 

Kate

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Shannon.  What a beautiful girl. The last picture of Trista with the dark hair reminds me a lot of my Kira. Her hair was naturally lighter but she had it died dark. Oh teenage girls love to change thier hair colour.  The last picture of my Kira was holding her kitty too.  Kira died 6 years ago at the age of 17 from a cardiac arrthymia. I also have two boys, but they are in thier 20s.  I too moved away, thought a new place might be a fresh start. But the sadness and grief follow you every where.  Thank you for sharing your story and pictures of your precious girl.  I hope you stay on the website where we can help each other.

Susan. Your words about the grief seeping into your blood, cells, soul , spirit and beating heart. That's exactly how I feel but could never find those words to put to it.  

 

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My girl is in heaven

Shannon.  Your Trista reminds me so much of my Kira. I hope they are friends in heaven. 

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Lou Ann, Kira is a really beautiful young woman. I agree that our children are most likely friends in heaven. On Jeff's angel date we walked into his bench site overlooking the water. As we sat there we were suddenly surrounded by more dragonflies than I had ever seen in my life. They flew all around us in circles and danced over the gardens. For a brief second I wonder if it could have been our kids gathered together showing us they are still very much alive and thriving. The funny part is that they were just gathered by us and around the bench and gardens. It seemed so beautiful and magical.  

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Tommy's mum

 

georgina I hope you are doing ok having sickness or surgery is debilitating.

kate I am glad you found ways to cope with the loss of your lovely boy. I did not leave a note either too difficult to find words when your brain is overwhelmed and you are so tired of trying to make it through. Depression can be very subtle and creep up on you catching you offguard. You feel stupid and unworthy and useless that is what your brain tells you even when that is not the case. You don't want to worry anyone especially family thinking you can make things better yourself it is an uphill battle. that is how it was for me anyway. There is nothing anyone can do to stop you when the decision is made and you are absolutely correct if it is serious it is usually fatal not a cry for attention. You get it right the first time. The other thing that you don't realise when going through that pain yourself is the awful impact on your family and friends afterward. I truly believed I was an awful Mum a rubbish human being and that everyone would be better off without me because i was a drain on their happiness and potential. I believed it would be better for my kids to not to be torn between two parents to just have one evn though i know he does not fill all their needs and cant show them enough love. My depression lied. I suspect it was a similar case for your son, he could see your love for him but was too ill and tired to worry. i am so sorry you went through what you did, you are an amazing person to come out strongly.

mermaidtears your quotes and words as always are spot on thanks.

shannon thanks for sharing your daughter's story. She was beautiful. How difficult for Ashley to keep going with the sadness and guilt it is so tragic that she could no longer cope with losing her dear friend. I am glad you could keep in touch with her and let her know it was not her fault. I am sure she probably had PTSD  and there were probably other major stresses in her life besides nursing school that became too overwhelming. It must be very hard for you and your family at this time  and in the future because grief for someone special lasts a lifetime, but your strength, experiences and friendship can help Ashley's family too.

dee bringing public awareness to the number of suicides would be very helpful. It may spark conversations within families and friends, schools and workplaces.

 

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My girl is in heaven

I was at an outside wedding a few weeks ago. It was difficult as first one since we lost Kira. But there was this dragon fly that buzzed around during the ceremony.  I managed to snap a picture of it but couldn't get a close up.  Looks like a black dot but if you zoom in you can see it's wings. My husband , son and I'm sure some guests wondered why I was taking pictures of the sky. Only a grieving mom would notice. I'm sure it was my Kira fly.  

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

Lou Ann, 
Thank you for sharing your beautiful Kira. Tris was the same with coloring her hair. I loved it blond and natural but also let her express herself. Trista loved her kitties... and every other creature on God's green Earth. I have no doubt our Girl's are friends in Heaven. I have always had this feeling that I was 'guided' to this place. I believe our Children had a hand in that... knowing we would need each other. That's just my feeling. 

I have more to post later. I loved the dragonfly pictures. Ive had some experiences like that too. In the mean time I'm sending warm wishes of peace. Thank you all for your kind welcome back. 

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As said: Dragonflies are Heaven's messengers. So all of our lovely contact and visions of these wonderful magical creatures are sweet signs.

Divianz, I hope the tree planting day that marks your Son's one year passing, has been filled by love. I hope that you felt your Boy nearby perhaps sitting on your shoulder as you planted those trees. God Bless.

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Shannon-Trista'sMom

Kate, 
Thank you for sharing your experience. I have had so many what-if thoughts running through my head. Then I feel like a jerk for thinking of myself when I can only imagine what her parents are going through. Ashley was Trista's best friend since 7th grade. She was the child who called me Mom... who didn't knock, who did Trista's chores for her so she could 'hang out' sooner, who helped herself to whatever was in the fridge but also did the dishes... I'm going to invite Ashley's Mom to this site when a little more time has passed knowing she will be received with compassion if she thinks it's right for her. 

I agree with everyone we need to have some serious talks about things like depression, mental illness, addiction... My family has been touched in some way by all these and I think if we start talking we'll realize many of us have. No more stigma. 

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I think that Ashley's Mom would benefit from our forum Shannon, and she will definitely benefit from your arm around her shoulder. I will also leave this site aNd directions to find us for Gillian's family. The visitation is tomorrow and i will attend with several other teachers. There are flowers on the overpass where she last was...we came home today from a short time in Michigan and saw the flowers...tears flow.

Diane, I love the cloud of homesick that you sign off with. It states your heart well...

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Tommy's mum

I saw my first dragonfly here  yesterday and smiled to myself because I recognize the sign that it was. Glad you had your sign from Kira too Louann.

I am a huge Linkin Park fan and was very saddened by Chester Bennington's suicide recently. I have seen several of his interviews and read his song lyrics which are so clearly descriptive of depression, self abuse, addiction and suicidal thoughts. He was so talented and accurate in his lyrics of his personal struggles that speak volumes of a suicidal person. i think his words have a personal message for people who struggle with these problems.  my hope is that young people who listen to his music are inspired to open up to someone, anyone using some of Chester's own words to describe the feelings of self hate, defeat and hopelessness that may plague them and get help, before taking actions that would be fatal. Young people are very affected by their musical heroes. I have a personal painful understanding of suicide from the perspective of a survivor who was saved by a sheer act of randomness. I believe Tommy saved me because it was not my time even though my mind had shattered and i had given up. maybe one day when i am more fully healed myself from losing my son i will use my experience to speak to others in the hope of preventing more suicides. One life saved would be incredible. there has to be a way to highlight the plight of depression anxiety and addiction. Every life is valuable and unique. No more stigma as you say Shannon.

dee I hope Ashley's family join us here, the love care and support exhibited here is invaluable. It is a long and painful journey as we all know personally.

dianne love the quote and picture.

Hugs to all our members

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Somersky-----I, so, understand the pain when other people want the grieving

mom/dad/family to go back to the way it used to be before the loss of a beloved

child.  Of course, we know that this is not possible......to go back....we are changed

forever. It is wise to just move ahead at one's own pace on this grief road, and to

know that unless those who want us to 'move on'  have also lost a child/children,

it is not possible for them to fully understand the depth of sorrow we feel.  May

your memories of your dear son soothe your aching heart.  Peace to you.

Susan----Thanks for the 'dash' poem.  Love all the screenshot writings that you

find and post for all of us.

NATHAN........NATHAN........   ANGEL  IN   HEAVEN. SAYING YOUR NAME

and remembering you.

Margo-------So sorry I missed Nathan's Angel Day.  Also,......sorry that you had

flooding in your basement, and that some of Nathan's things got wet.  Hoping that

you were able to salvage the majority of those precious treasures.  Peace to you.

 

Dianne-----I, too, have wondered at your absence from BI,  but felt that the summer

is a busy time....with many activities, events, and visiting....that you were just

busy with it all.   I'm left to just scratch my head in confusion as to how any of your

posts could have offended anyone.  I have always found your posts comforting and

kind. I do understand how it could be deeply hurtful ....being called out in that way.

  I'm so glad that you decided to return to BI . We missed you......please stay with us,

dear BI friend.

Shannon------so very sorry for the recent tragic death of Trista's dear friend.  There just

are no words.....as you say.   Sending prayers for Ashly's family, and for your family

as well, in this devastating loss.

Georgina------Sending up lots of prayers for your strength to improve as you face

the upcoming serious surgery.  Do take care of yourself.  Peace to you.

Kate------Prayers also for you & your husband in the loss of a good friend. May

he rest in peace.

Dee------So sorry to hear of the young girl's death by suicide.   Such a tragedy.

Peace and prayers for her family, and everyone who is touched by her untimely death.

LouAnn-----Thanks for the pics of lovely Kira......such a beautiful girl.   Also, I am

delighted that your pic of the dragonfly turned out.  Yes.....looking up and seeing the

sky and all that it holds, seems to be so comforting to us grieving parents.  After all,

our dear children are up there in their first home, and smiling down on us all. Peace

to you, friend.

WISHING   COMFORT AND PEACE  TO  ALL   INDIGOS.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

 

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As I read all of your stories and get to know you all ... I admire your strength and courage and know that I have come to the right place. Thank you again for accepting myself and Skylar

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

ALL - Thanks for sharing the dragonfly stories. I had my own dragonfly show up on Monday...thought it was odd just hanging around. Also, the movie Dragonfly was the last movie my sister watched with my other sister and mom. Here is a link to the movie's review and plot:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dragonfly_(2002_film)

Shannon, when my sister passed shortly afterwards her best friend passed too. I would like to think that somehow that they were making their way together. Sending gentle thoughts for Ashley's family.

Susan, thanks for sharing all the good postings and sayings.

Sherry...thanks for your faithfulness and encouraging us all. 

Everyone...thanks for being here, those new and the those who have stood and waved us on. It is too hard of a journey to make alone. 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

 A few months ago....my SIL, George gave me the video of their wedding...Randa and George celebrated their 30 year Anniversary....I put it aside...knowing it would be a powder keg of memories....and so many of my loved ones...that no longer walked this earth home....and my John David ...in 1987 he was 17 and a Sr. in High School....weeks went by....and I was just not ever 'quite' strong enough...or rather....there wasn't a day that I knew I could not have a true pity party...crying jag...and time to recover...for so many people were coming or going around me. Then...a day/time came....I was watching our new little man...Veto....the house was ours...so I put the rocking chair in front of the TV...bottle on the table...blankets...and I started the DVD. And there was that joyful celebration...it was a very, very fun wedding...all the Navy Pilots were in true form....and my family and George's family really knew how to have a great time. Right there on the screen a shot of me..sitting between my parents...that was the traditional way we sat...I think because they would put me in between them when we would go out to eat...and that is the way it remained...also at the table my friends..Margaret Ann and George (her husband)...Zane and Vincent..my friend, Stacey....all have passed except Vincent..(who has dementia) and me....and there in another shot was John David and his high school girlfriend and Jason and his....Jesse, Aaron and Jeremy...who was 4 at the time....so very many family members and friends...who have now passed....but many still here. I realized that was my Camelot..and it would never be the same....for Randa would not be just going back to college and come home to her bedroom...she would be creating a home with George...and then in May...John David would be graduating and going off to college. When children grow up and become young adults...the dynamics of the family changes...for that is the normal way. Holding my Great Grandson gave me the strength to watch it...embrace it...hold it...and hold dear those memories and blessings...grateful I have had so much....also....that sharp spasm of grief that can clench the heart. Also...knowing there was a spark of John David in his DNA....I call it the sacred strand of DNA.....we are all so connected.

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Susan, I am happy for you and Veto to join in while watching the video of prior times. Those times, your 'Camelot', are important to note, to see them play out is a special gift for sure, and I totally understand not being ready to watch it until you felt bolstered, safe. I had a video too, of Erica and her friends from when they were about 10 years old, playing, a long play time where they put on skits...I knew I could not watch it with anyone the first time I watched it. I needed to cry undisturbed by anyone's discomfort. And boy did I. I cried and laughed and ugly-cried some more. I think that I waited until Eri had been gone for a year...but I have never watched it again. It is as though my heart got to enjoy a time I would have never seen had Susannah, Erica's dearest friend, hadn't given it to me, and going there again feels too precarious. My eyes are tearing just thinking of it...plus I have to get ready for the visitation for Gillian. I can feel the anguish that her family is feeling, and somehow, I have been feeling some of the anguish that Gillian must of been feeling as she climbed that overpass fencing. God help us learn to identify the most subtle of signs that a Child/Adult is hurting.

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Thank you everyone for your prayers and thoughts.  You all are such special people and I cherish the day I stumbled into this place and found such a great group. You all have been a great source of comfort, stories and sharing moments.

Nathan's angel day was beautiful, and many trees got planted and many stories told. We stopped by the place where he was killed and placed hundreds of carnations in the holes of the cage right outside the gas station and it looked like a blanket of flowers with a picture of him in the center.  The owner is such a kind man, and he liked Nathan so much. We spent the evening with just our two best friends around the fire pit, trying to play Nathan's guitar (I'm not very good yet and many laughs were had about that). It was a very hard day, and I cried a lot.  So much that my head hurt but it was also a good day to know that I am not alone in my missing Nathaniel. The next day felt very empty again, so it felt very up and down.  Perhaps next year we will do something much more low key.  With his birthday coming up so closely, I need to get this surgery over with and get my youngest son's room put together so he comes home to less chaos.  I get to see him in a week, and I can't wait. 

I wish I had more video of Nathan, I only have pictures, but I have thousands. I love looking at pictures of him and remembering the good life he had while he was here on earth.  It means a lot to me that he was happy, and healthy.  I have a few videos, one of him dancing and a few of him playing guitar.  I cherish those. Our family isn't really the "video" type, but everyone always has a camera.

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Mermaid Tears

Devianz....I think the day was perfect...I always tell family and friends...'we are not a perfect family...but there is nothing imperfect for our love for each other'....when I read what you were doing for his Angel Date...I thought of the poem 'Evangeline'...and all the trees...I have always been a tree person..and so was my Grama...we use to go and pick pecans at a certain place on their land in the Fall...and I will never forget when she pointed to a huge stand of pecan and oak trees and said...'you will never see a cathedral built by man more majestic than that'....you have done what we all can do...is do your best. Your best is good enough. We become too hard on ourselves sometimes in that we want to paint the skies and mountains with our honor for our child....but we are simply little Mama's and Daddy's....just human people that love our child. You get yourself back to health...and that boy's room ready....and yes....we need to honor and love the ones we have on this earth home....and have in place a way to honor the one that he lost...his brother....but go ahead with love, compassion and a way to thrive instead of just survive. Our living children need that...and we the parents are the only ones that can make that path.

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I am totally hopeless with computers! Would someone please post Simon & Garfunkel's "Sound OF Silence" for me. Thanks.  I notice that since the topic of suicide was raised this past week.... there has been a very noticeable difference in the number of postings. It hits with a punch doesn't it? Garfunkel once summed up the song's meaning as the inability of people to communicate with each other on an emotional level. We are hearing daily of the rise in the number of youth suicides. It is alarming to all of us and we all feel helpless in a way to know how to stop it. We  need to hit the nail on the head. Break the silence. Talk, talk, talk. Educate the children about tolerance and compassion. We can start now to break the cycle of stigmatization. 

My son's life is not defined by how he died! He truly modeled by example what it meant to be a caring and loving person. 

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