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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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tobyfreefoot

Once again haven't had time to read but see those last pictures posted of a beautiful beautiful boy. I am so sorry that you and all of the new folks here hawe had to find their way here. I am glad you have come and hope you are able to find comfort and understanding here that is so hard to find "outside". I know the people here have pulled me through many rough patches.

I am posting a pic of my dog Brody and our new puppy Baserri.  I love animals but have never particularly been a dog fan. These are border collies and I have this week found caring for them to have filled a spot in my heart that needed filling. Just somehow they are making me feel cared about and made me feel really nurturing. I don't know I have read scientic research that says petting dogs is good for you. Just thought I would tell you guys about it because it might be useful to someone and truly no one else will really get how important something that gives me comfort is. 

Btw picnic was good will post a pic of that too. Love you all so much.

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I too have never been a dog fan never had one growing up but got a brother and sister for the kids. Cocoa and latte (the dogs) waited for Skylar to go to bed the night before and slept with him all night ..they were also there on his lap lying on him when he passed away of sudden cardiac death. I was in the next room for only a minute and I am surprised they never barked or let me know something was wrong. I was one minute too late I worked on him and felt his breath go into my lungs holding him I knew he was gone but hoped for a chance. Here is a picture of the two monsters ..lol They are tiny considering Skylar was 6 foot 6 and my husband is 6 foot 5 I'm 6 feet and my daughter 5 foot 8. We have the tiniest dogs..but it is like they knew Skylar was going to pass away. He was never too old to build sand castles as you can see. I just worry now about my daughter I don't want the same thing happening ..our system is so slow having to wait for testing.

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Gretchen, it is so very good to see you here today...with two dogs. So adorable. I love border collies, they are fantastic dogs, devoted and loving. Animals provide so much for the human spirit, often times reminding us that some things, like love, is much more simple than we make it out to be.

 

Here's a poem, I have way way way many, I love to write, this one may be good for those newer here:

Altering

 

I must shift the load I carry,

I will one day hold it like a jewel,

the jewel of my Child,

he/she isn't heavy,

but the missing is.

 

Nothing would ever feel so cumbersome. Nothing will ever be so sharp.

 

I will feel the load shift when I hold it differently,

when I learn to allow my memory to carve a cradle in which to rock,

and when I teach my heart to beat to the sound of my love again,

and when I realize that the wind on my face, the moon in the sky is a gift from heaven,

and when I see that the seasons changing are still a miraculous event,

and when I hear my Dear Child whisper to me in my dreams,

 that all is well,

then that load will shift and I will wear her/him like the jewel that they will always be.

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tobyfreefoot

I have to say this still speaks to me 6 years down the road. You have stated so beautifully how we try to fit this love and grief into our lives. I am still working on wearing mine only as a shining jewel but I will get there. It is different to see how you change and grow around the loss of your child. Impossible to explain to others probably. When I was suppose to pick up my pup it was delayed a few days because the owner, a high school teacher had 6 students in a car accident, 5 from one family. 4 were unbuckled in the back seat and were all ejected from the car. One girl was dead at the scene the other 3 air lighted out. Ugh.

They had done a memorial at the site and a T-shirt and blood drive. One child in a body cast the others pretty much holding their own. Waiting for the sister to get out to have funeral. I got this news the day after the picnic. I kind of unraveled for a couple hours but got my footing quickly. It was just so tragic.

Somersky lovely pics. My son Forest's best friend died a year ago leaving a wife two girls and 2 dogs just like that. They also were laying with Andrew when they found him. Sweet little loyal things.

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Steve s mom

Hi All,

Steves 35 th birthday will be Monday  7/17/17

i went all over 2 states trying to find a Winnie the Pooh birthday balloon for him and I made his flowers to put out Monday 

sorry I haven't been on here much the baby is still in nicu and quite time consuming hopefully he will come home in August he's 38 weeks and 6 lb but can't breath on his own without oxygen so he can't drink bottle gets milk with tube feeds still.Steve says the babies his god son ,although my husband will be standing in for him here 

i hope everyone is doing well and welcome to the new members 

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My girl is in heaven

 Kate. So today is your Jeffs birthday. How old would he be? Is there anything in particular you are doing today.  I hope your Jeff leaves you lots of signs that he is there with you. Birthdays are so heart crushing to get thru.  Jeff, shine your light down on your mama today and let her feel your loving arms around her. 

Dee.  Good luck with ERI fest.  Is this where her friends and family gather around to celebrate her?

Somersky my son's had to go for heart testing too.  My oldest son went to western. We live close to there and it is a good school and very nice city. I can be your daughters Angel mom in Ontario. 

Devianz.  Nice picture of your son. Stay strong as you have the 25th and 31st coming up.  We will all be here for you.

Lesley. I think you are so right about the effects of grief on mind, body and soul. I just feel I have aged so very much in 6 years. I feel more like 86 than 56.  I'm sure if I ever got a disease I would have no ability to fight it off.

Tinay. Am so sorry for your friends young son and the girl who died in the van accident. There was a fire in Ontario Friday that took the life of a 7 year old boy. His mother had already died in a farm accident and the father was too distraught to go on tv.  I think these deaths hit us especially hard as we know what is ahead for these parents . Have the lawyers decided to take Kionas case yet. I'm sure that must be stressful. Your words will never fall on deaf ears. Remember I can always call or email you if you need any extra support. Take care my friend. 

Susan. Your John David is so handsome. Helooks like a young Paul Williams off of young and the restless.  Your grandson is so very cute too. So sad to see the picture of him with his dad and then the one of him by himself.  Thanks for sharing. 

Becky, how is your eyesight? R u getting out at all now. Hope Jasmine still likes her job. 

Colleen. Hope you are able to relax a bit and enjoy the rest of your summer. Good for you yougot thru those 2 dates again.  

Georgina. How are things going with your health and Charlotte s.  R uhaving surgery?

Darcy, Amy Anne, Rainey. Jennifer.  How are you all doing. Darcy your baby must be due soon hope all is well.  

Love you all.  Hugs Luanne

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Somersky, I love your pictures of your son. What a handsome young man he is. I am so sorry for your loss. Please keep sharing with us and know you have found a great place to come to be understood.

Gretchen, I love the new pup! What a cutie.

Steve's Mom...Oh, I wish I had known. I live a hour drive from Winnipeg and head into the city regularly. We are the home town of Winnie The Pooh. They have a huge collection of stuff at the Children's Store at The Assiniboine Park Zoo.

Dee, thank you for sharing your poems and I hope that today is a bright and sunny day reflecting the spirit of your wonderful girl.

Lou Ann, thank you for thinking of me. We are keeping it quiet today. We are now almost eight years this Christmas into the time he died. He would have been 36 today. He died at 28. It still hurts like heck. Much like a scab with the sore just below the surface. Still, we keep on going. One day at a time and it is amazing how quickly the times passes. We'll take a walk into his memorial bench site as it is a really beautiful day today.

Georgina, and Becky...thinking of you. Take each day at a time and let us know how things are going.

Love to you ALL.

Kate

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JEFF- JEFF- JEFF,

Let your love shine upon your Mum and Pop today, each day, but especially today, the date that brought such joy to your family.Sing and dance today with all of our angels...I will send you wishes with our balloon launch...

Kate and Ross, may you shed the weight of the stresses of the last few weeks and allow the peace of this holy date to fill you fully.

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Oh Sweet heavens Gretchen, I am so sorry for the sadness that this terrible accident brings to the surrounding area...to your soul too. What a sadness and I will also give thought to these families as we ponder our hard times.

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For all of our Angels and especially in the light of birthdays and anniversaries, one of the best songs ever written...

 

 

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Tommy's mum

gretchen glad your dogs help you heal. I believe it is the mother instinct that makes us want to nurture things again after loss and it definitely soothes the soul. Animals always love and never judge and are always happy to see you.

dee glad you are ok. hope the balloon launch goes well and Erica sees them all for her. Your poem was lovely thanks.

kate birthdays are still hard aren't they? just the hard fact that we cannot ever celebrate with that child again whilst on this earth is still shattering every year. Still look back on other birthdays and happy memories to ease the pain. A walk sounds like a good plan, it clears the mind a little and shows Nature all around you.

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My girl is in heaven

I have 2 pictures of Kira on my nightstand. Every night when i go to get my pjs on I always say "one day closer to seeing you again baby girl".  While I do get some comfort from knowing I've got one day closer to her , I am also glad I got another day with my boys.  Such a strange feeling to have one foot in heaven and one on earth. Thanks for letting me share. Only other grieving parents would understand this.

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks for the dog pictures...I do think that the unconditional love an animal provides is healing. My dog never left my side for 3 years. 

Gretchen, I am sorry for that additional loss...it just seems like it stabs in my heart every time I hear of that...the past week someone was killed on my highway, and I was behind the accident maybe 10 minutes...did a lot of praying. 

Forest's stone is so decorated with LOVE!

Dee, can  I share your poem? My cousin had her son pass earlier in 2012.

Somersky, thanks for sharing the pics of your beautiful son!

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Happy Heavenly Birthday, Jeff! We shout out your name today. Kate, sending gentle thoughts your way.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Mary Anne, so good to see your Stephen's smiling face today...may his light shine down on you today, filling your heart with warmth and love.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Lou Ann, totally agree with that thought....

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Laurie, I would be honored if you share my poetry with others...I have many poems that are just how I breathe now, intake, outbreath, in both is my Girl.

ERI-Fest went beautifully, much lighter attendance, but that allowed more visiting with friends and family...and the weather was prettier than ever before, cool and breezy, nobody broke a sweat. 14 years is  long long time, and now we have entered our 15th. Yes we will always have a foot in two worlds, it is how life unfolds now...just make sure that when you feel a bit of good, you realize that it will happen again and you will increase those moments as you go along. What in the world could make our Kids more happy than that...seeing us live with increments of purpose and joy...leading to longer stints of each.

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Tommy's mum

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dee what is amazing is that people who cared about Eri still come to show support after such a long time. It must make your heart swell with pride.Eri was very popular and much loved. I hope you are doing ok.

No one in the UK apart from family knew my Tommy. All my friends who were close to him live in the USA and his friends are in PA and hawaii so I mourn alone. My family leave me in peace on his birthday and angelversary both in Aug so I can do what I want to do. My kids will call. it is good to know that you guys are all out there for me you understand how hard it is.

Louann it is strange to have a foot in both places, mourning one child and enjoying being with their siblings. Joy at their acheivements and successes yet feeling sad because one is missing. Seeing how your children grow up and develop and wondering what our spirit child would have done with their life. making new memories yet having one life forever stopped at a moment in time. I think this is why grief is so confusing.

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Mermaid Tears

Kate and Mary Anne....sorry this is late....but on this site...a parent is never forgotten.....no matter how many years pass....we will always...always remember that complete joy...when our child was placed in our arms and hearts....

Stay in Grace...Stay in Peace...

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My girl is in heaven

Thank you for your kind replies. Sometimes I just have these thoughts that I can't share with the non bereaved. They wouldn't understand.

Lesley. Is your company still there?  How is it going.  Are you used to your nephew yet.  I can understand how difficult that must be to see a look a like .  Are you feeling a little more up these days. Been out in your garden? I think we have your weather here in Ontario this summer lots of rain and cool days.  Unfortunately my Kira and Tommy flowers arnt looking that well.  I think I either over or under water. I don't really have a green thumb.  Take care. I love both of the sayings you posted. They are so true.i know Tommys Angel date is Aug 16 but what day is his birthday.  Evans birthday is Aug. 10. 

Susan.  Those sayings are very moving and oh so true.  There seem to be so many nice ones out there.  If only the rest of the world would understand us.  I'm glad we have each other. 

Dee. Glad ERI fest went well.  You are so lucky to have friends and faLily who still remember your girl.  

Steve's mom. I am fairly new here and I'm sorry I don't know your son's story. But I am truly sorry for the loss of your precious son.  I know that today will be a hard day for you, but I wish you some peace and strength and lots of signs from your Steve.  

Kate.  I hope you were able to get thru Jeffs birthday ok.  Birthdays are particularly heart wrenching.  Just heard on tv that the jet stream has carried smoke to the Manitoba border and to South West Ontario.  

Gretchen. I'm six yearsdown the road too.  And it is strange how we warp ourselves into the grief.  And yes I don't even bother to talk to or explain things anymore unless they are a grieving parent. The rest of the world I have found not only don't understand but they just simply dont care.....it wasnt their kid, it was ours.  

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Thank you everyone for your kind wishes for Jeff's birthday yesterday. We had a low keyed but lovely day. We were able to walk into his bench and sit looking at the water. There were so many dragonflies and birds to keep us company. The butterflies and hummingbirds were enjoying dancing around his flowers.  The weather could not have been more pleasant. No matter how long a time it has been since he has been gone I agree that it is always hard to accept that another year has passed without him here with us. 

Lou Ann, the fires in British Columbia are certainly spreading. Many more people have been evacuated and it sounds as if it will be some time before they can return. Here's hoping for some serious rain. I sure hope the smoke does not reach us as I have asthma. 

Sending wishes for everyone that your day brings you comfort and peace.

Kate

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STEPHEN...Happy Heavenly Birthday Sweet Handsome Man...Make sure that you wrap your love around your Momma today, and know that you are always her Boy.

 

Maryanne, I have missed seeing you here, good to know you are out there finding your way...and finding your Winnie Balloon. Peace my dear.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee...Happy to hear that Erifeast...went well another year....here I am planning John David's Angel Date...In Port Aransas....and am blessed and grateful for all that are going to attend...they have to pay their own hotel bills to come...am very blessed by how many...blessed by how many love and still love that boy of mine...

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Luanne, I am lucky that so many join in on our Fests in Erica's name. I will never take that for granted. It is also a fund raising event and that keeps the Erica Fund going which supports kids at the school where I teach. The school is where my Kids went when they were little and so I have been writing checks for 12 years now, with Erica's name on them, to help kids whose families cannot afford anything from field trips, to winter clothing,camps, lunch funds, some after school science and math camps, pool passes, scouts, sports, even eye glasses for a couple of kids. It is not a big fund,  but each year it does some good work...we received money from folks when Erica was killed, we didn't know why, some thought to help us pay our bills while we were dumbfounded after her death...but I thought long and hard and we put it in the bank and made the Erica Fund. One year the social worker and I took a young girl shopping, she'd never been in a dressing room before...she was very heavy and shared clothing with mom and grandmom, she was going off to middle school so we wanted to provide her her own wardrobe. It was so joyous to see her come out of the dressing room to look in the three way mirror and decide what was good and what she didn't think worked for her...so one way that we have so many supporting us is we have this cause that everyone who comes to ERI-Fest feels good about throwing in a few dollars. We keep Erica alive in this way. In so doing, we get to stay in touch with Erica's closest friends and yesterday, I got to meet three new babies of her friends: Drake, Eleni, and Lincoln. What beautiful little humans that I know Erica delights in...seeing life going on has helped me understand how to live my best life. Being privy to the lives of Erica's and Jonathan's friends helps me stay grounded and purposeful.

Kate, how nice your day was yesterday. When we sent our Balloons heavenward, I mentioned Jeff's birthday and I asked everyone there to think of a loved one in addition to Erica and let our hopes fly freely to them. My Grandboy said, wait, I want my balloon back, we told him it was off to heaven, he asked why? I told him that Aunty Erica loves pink ballons so this was our way to share with her. All the little ones held the 19 balloons plus one white one for peace- and released on cue...when Bob Marley was singing, " every little thing, is going to be alright"...Three of my former students showed up at around 8:00 when most folks had packed it in to go home, and I stayed outside with them until 11:00. They are off to college soon...lovely to stay connected to them.

Susan, as you plan your gathering, I am thinking of you knowing the energy it takes to host such a big event. Ours is just in our yard and one day, though preparations are pretty involved, yours involves several days and housing...hat is off to you. I know John David is excited to have so many lovely friends and family in one place in his memory. Peace.

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Dee, how lovely to mention Jeff's birthday. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. It sounded as if your day was as special as your girl. Wonderful memories shared with close people. 

Susan, thank you for sharing the family pictures. I'm sure you will plan a terrific gathering for your boy. Always loved and cherished!

Love to everyone as they start another day.

Kate :)

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Mermaid Tears

Yes Dee....it does take some time/organizing/phone calls to host his Angelversary so far away. The positive spin is that Port Aransas is like our second home. My heart smiles as the many friends of his siblings come and feel a part of our family. One friend said they should put a Historical Marker in my kitchen....I fed many, many kids. Still love to feed family and friends. I love what you do with your Eri Fund....what a way to give....love the story of taking that girl shopping. I , too, love to hear from John David's friends with news of their families and children...it makes me feel like there is really nothing broken in our circle of family and friends. We have had Veto for a few days....my daughter is under his spell....(as all of us are)...he is now rolling over and over.

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Hello my friends,

Yesterday, I sent a card to the driver of the car that killed my Brian.  I was insane with anger after Brian died and could not see the pain that the driver ( one of Brian's best friends) was experiencing.

The card read as follows:  I am sorry for how I acted after Brian's death.  I hope you can forgive me. Our relationship could have been much different.  

I forgive you for your role in Brian's death.  I wish you only the best.

 I feel better and I hope this is well received.

I miss Brian so much it hurts.  

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever

 

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Mermaid Tears

Colleen....it takes a very strong..brave person to do what you did. I think the young man will appreciate the card...and be grateful for your forgiveness. You will also give yourself a gift...you will not be carrying that red hot anger inside...you will feel lighter and lighter as time goes on.

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My girl is in heaven

Colleen. What an incredibly gracious and courageous thing to do.  You parents have so much more to carry who have had their children taken at the hands of someone.  This must be such a huge step for you. I hope it brings some peace to your soul.  

Dee. That is good you get enjoyment out of seeing Ericas friends and thier babies. And to raise money for such a good cause. I'm sure your Erica is beaming with pride seeing mama bear doing all this good.  I still after six years do not want to see, hear about, or read in the paper, anything about Kira's friends.  I wish them all the best though.  I have run into her best friend a few times and I was just gutted.  Am still really bitter that not one of the parents has ever called or contacted us after the funeral.  Hence I have turned into a hermit and hibernate in my house. I drive to a different city for groceries or any shopping.  I think it would hurt too much to see her friends getting on with their lives.  

 

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Tommy's mum

jeffsmom glad your sons birthday passed peacefully. My son's birthday and angelbersary are both in aug so I still have that to face. No matter how long it has been it is still such a wrench.

louann my sister and family are away on holiday and will be back on fri thanks for asking. Yes I have adapted to my nephew my heart still misses a beat from time to time but I just focus on getting through the here and now and enjoying the moment with them. You will continue to heal slowly and eventually come to realise that so many people are scared of death and do not know what to say or how to act so avoid the family. It is really hard to see others moving on and getting their lives together but know that underneath they have been changed by Kira's death. Death changes everyone but especially the family involved and it is easier to go on if you are more on the periphery.

mermaidtears it is a lot of organisation for you but a lovely gathering together of people who loved John David. Veto is just adorable!

Colleen what a brave and unselfish act of kindness and it shows how far you have come. Sometimes it takes years to have the anger and injustice dissipate but when it does it is so freeing. I am so proud of you I know how hard that must have been to write. You are right that a death causes pain to a lot of other people esp if it was down to their actions and to kill his best friend is a very heavy burden to carry for life. Your forgiveness will help him to heal too. I forgave the teen who was trying to commit suicide and fell with my Tommy. I managed to trace him on FB and we exchanged a few messages. I forgave him and he apologised to me and I know it was the right thing to do for both of us. We are no longer in contact what needed to be said was said and we both move on. Maybe years from now he will contact me again and tell me his life is good and he has made use of that vital second chance that he was given or maybe not. Who knows? I think you will find some peace knowing that something that has been on your mind for so long is now put to bed.

 

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Colleen, I am so glad for you...releasing that message to the Boy/Man, must be freeing both for you and for him. I know that Brian must be so glad that you have done this. WOW! We never stop learning from the times that changed our lives, and that is important to note, we keep evolving.

Louanne, I get what you are saying but what I want you to know is that we involved others right from the get-go. Idon't know that the parents of Eri's friends would have felt comfy reaching out that much had we not set the tone.  There were those who could not handle talking about death or Erica's death particularly, as though it was catchy...but those are not the folks that come to Eri-Fest..we purposefully stayed in contact with Erica's friends and therefore some of the parents as we knew them since the kids were tiny. I needed to see the kids and make sure of them, I needed to send them a monthly letter acknowledging the months that ticked past those first 2 years so that they knew that I was going to be okay and to ask if they were okay...by doing this, they kept me in the loop of their lives which for my spirit, was a great way to feel Erica through their antics and maturity. There is not rule to say stay involved or not, no one way, no wrong way unless you are injuring yourself through your actions...We find our way in the choices we make. I hope that you can shop in your own town again and perhaps see if you are more comfortable, but if not, you have your routines that work for you.

Susan, that Veto is gorgeous...just precious, and the photo is wonderful. Yes, you should place a historical marker in your Port A kitchen...feeding the  troops...I am sure it will be another wonderful gathering.

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My girl is in heaven

Susan  that Veto sure is adorable. I can see why he has stolen everyone's heart.

Dee, thanks.  Just feel like I was so duped by family and friends at the funeral home.  All the "I'm so sorry for your loss", I'll call you, if you ever need anything, well never forget her. All of it from everyone total lies. And then when I did see them in stores they would dash to the next isle, turn thier heads, walk across the street to get away from me. Like I had a disease they could catch. I lived in a new subdivision and would see people out walking and pointing to the house.  Yes that's the house where that girl died.  Of course before I lost a child I had no idea of what bereaved parents go thru, but I have always been compassionate and showed concern for people who have suffered a tragedy.  My own family, some of whom never bothered to care about us and the rest who decided in thier minds we have had enough time to get over it and would have absolutely no compassion if we had a bad day.  It took me 5 1/2 years to get it thru my thick skull that "no body cares cause it wasnt thier kid". Plain and simple.  You here have shown more kindness to me and mentioned Kira's name more in 4 months then everybody in my life put together in 6 years. Not one call, text, e-mail, not even a card our first Christmas. So yes I hold a lot of bitterness with these people who I have no desire to communicate with anymore. I have had to start a whole new life . That is why you are all so important to me. You don't judge me or tell me to get over it, you let me if I need to have a bad day. What kind of world is this that a bereaved parent can't be shown a bit of compassion or kindness now and again.  Maybe there is just something I'm not getting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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HELLO   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Somersky-----I am sorry for your loss of your dear son, Skylar.  You have 

come to the right place.......everyone on this site knows the pain, sorrow,

and devastation of losing a beloved child.  Thank you for the pics of your

dear son....he is a handsome young man.  Please come back and read/post,

as you wish.  Peace to you.

 

Gretchen------thank you for posting the pics of your dog, and the puppy.  Very

beautiful dogs.   Are they Border collies?   Very intelligent and beautiful dogs.

 

Dee------glad that the ERI Fest went well.  Great weather....and with a few less

people in attendance,  more time to spend visiting everyone.  Thanks for posting

the poem  "Altering".    Such lovely words, and true to life as we now know it.

 

HAPPY    BIRTHDAY  IN  HEAVEN.........DEAR  STEVE. 

 

Stevesmom...MaryAnn------I'm sorry to have missed Steve's birthday.  May your

precious memories of your dear son warm your heart.

 

JEFF.......JEFF.......JEFF..........HAPPY  BIRTHDAY TO  AN   ANGEL.

KATE.....THINKING OF YOU AT THIS TIME.

 

 Susan-------What a beautiful baby boy.....little Vito.   Such a lovely pic.  He is

just adorable......and he surely brings joy to everyone in the family.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry

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     Here is a verse that I found engraved on a tombstone in

    a country cemetery near where we used to live.

 

                No one hears the door that opens

                When they pass beyond our call.

                Soft as loosened leaves of roses

                One by one our loved ones fall.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thanks Sherry for sharing that...I often look at gravestones too for the messages they contain...for me, I see connection between those who have gone on before and those of us still here...

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Dee, I am glad that Erifest turned out so well...and that so many came to remember her. How special that the funds are used to help others in need. I liked the story of the girl and how you bought her new clothes...very special.

Lou Ann, I do feel much like you...for me it is PTSD...and some things can trigger it off...

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My girl is in heaven

Laurie. I like how you put it about not belonging in that world anymore.  That's exactly what it is.My chaplain/grief counsellor said it is like we look like everybody else but really we are Martians from another planet.  I finally had to let go of trying to make them understand. Cause your right the depth of this pain and what we struggle with can not be explained to someone who has not experienced it. I read some where for people to picture for one minute that their child died and then multiple that by a zillion and they still wouldn't even come close to what it really feels like.  I have to drive 50 minutes one way to a big enough town to get my groceries or a bag of cat food. I just will not take the chance on seeing someone from the past, it just triggers me and takes me a long time to calm down. I hope I can move one day. Thanks for sharing.

   

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My girl is in heaven

Hey I noticed no one has posted today.  I hope I didnt say anything in my last post to offend anyone.  If I did I am truly sorry. 

 

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Lou Ann, no, you have not said a thing to offend. I often find that in the summer things can become quiet for a day or so when the weather is particularly nice. We all go about grieving in our own personal way. We do what works best for us. For now if shopping in a place where you can feel free to breathe comfortably is what you crave than you go ahead and do it. We all have triggers that set us off and places where we feel secure. There is really no right or wrong way except if we hurt someone. After a time you do find that you build a new network of supports. Some people that we had considered close will let us down. And then there will be new contacts as we slowly grow stronger. We begin to feel safe leaning on those that have proven their sincerity. It is not an easy process. It can be very painful at a time that we simply feel we can not take any more. But life is like that. Just when we feel there is no longer hope a door opens. I've learned not to fight it. 

I suddenly did notice a strong smell of smoke this afternoon. I gather the wind had shifted and was bringing it from the fires. Our summer has been spectacular. Perfect day temps and no pesky bugs. Just to my liking. The memorial service for our friend is on Sunday. I hear they are expecting approximately 400 people. He was such a decent and giving person. It is going to be a busy weekend as they are holding our Film Fest on the Lake. The forecast is definitely perfect for the event.

Colleen, I know it was difficult to do what you did. I really hope that by doing this you will find the sense of release and peace that comes with forgiveness. Brian will be smiling at what a super Mom he has. You can be sure of that. 

Sherry, thank you for sharing that verse. How truly fitting. 

Somersky...how are you holding up?

Georgina, thinking of you. Let us know how you are managing.

Gretchen...how is the pup? 

Dee, how is Jon doing these day?

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

Kate

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Sherry, I love that inscription you quoted here. So pretty. How goes the gardens and crops? Do you battle Japanese beetles where you are? They cause a great deal of havoc on the flowers and leaves of plants around here.

Kate, thanks for asking, Jonathan is doing a bit better each day...he is noticing how much more he can do this week as opposed to last week so that is great. He goes to the doctor tomorrow, 3.5 weeks after his surgery.  Moving forward. I hope that the memorial is a great send-off for your friend, that his wife can get through it and hear the good things about her Guy. So hard I know. Prayers. Kate, glad for your good weather, that was us last week but now...We are having more rain tonight after a deluge last night...and tomorrow night is supposed to be even more excessive. THere are many in our state and more than likely in Wisconsin, dealing with flooding. I hope the heavy rains predicted break up and somehow not drench the already over-drenched areas.

Laurie, yes, the Erica Reith Fund has done some really good outreach for the kids at our school, and it is what makes me and my family so glad to help in Erica's name.

Louanne, you are in a circle of folks who are happy to hold your hands and heart, keep on talking cause we will keep on listening. It was a quiet day here, first time able to get on today, busy with the Grandies.

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My girl is in heaven

Thank you Dee and Kate.  I guess you cant tell I don't work, have no grandchildren or hobbies  lol

Kate. Hope the smoke doesn't get too bad. My sister lives on the island but has been vacationing in Kelowna all week and been close to the fires. We have had a lot of rain in Ontario this summer. Yes I do have totally different supports in my life now, including you guys. It took me six years to figure out. I don't have a lot of people in my life but the ones I do have are pure gold to me.  I don't worry about getting hurt so much anymore.  

Have a nice weekend every one. 

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Tommy's mum

yes summer is busy so people are not always available to post. I went to my youngest daughter's graduation yesterday so have been away a couple days mostly travelling on a bus! Soo proud to see her graduate after taking a year out uni to recover after losing her brother. I had tears of pride in my eyes but also a sadness in my heart which all of you bereaved parents are familiar with. It is like being two different people inhabiting the same body with different emotions inside. Then oddly on the last bus back home there was a Tommy lookalike who sat next to me across the aisle. He had the same colour hair and haircut the music earbuds plugged in and a Tshirt and hoodie and black pants which was pretty much always Tommy's dresscode. At first I kept sneaking looks at him marvelling at the extreme resemblance and took it to be a sign that my son was saying "I was there in spirit Mum." fortunately I felt very calm not distressed and was able to feel a sense of peace. I spent the journey thinking about him and it was ok. sadly the lead singer of my fave band Linkin Park comitted suicide yesterday. I was really saddened esp as they were the first band I took Tommy to see live when he was 14. depression really warps your mind as well I know myself and destroys your peace and wellbeing sometimes leading to suicide in an attempt to leave behind the pain of trying to cope with life among neurotypical happy people. It is an illness that often goes undetected because you learn to try and cover it up when around others and is a daily fight to appear normal when inside your soul is shrieking for peace and the ability to cope and be happy with what life puts in front of you. It is a desperate quest for elusive happiness and contentment even when you deeply love others and they love you. It makes you feel worthless, hopeless, subhuman ,different, a failure and is very draining, and distorts the world around you.  depression is a slow torture of the mind. We need to be more aware of depression and able to destigmatise it  because it is in fact so common in the general population.

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Oh, cry me a river! We all have problems and it doesn't mean we can go and take the easy way out. They are just weak and spineless!!!

Now that I have your attention...this is the crrrrrrrap that I have had to endure for years. As if our loss was not hard enough. I, so agree with you Lesley. I have mentioned many times on this site about educating people to the very real issue of depression being a REAL medical illness. Sadly, we live in a society that is mostly blocked to educating themselves into thinking a new way about this illness.

I was so pleased to hear about the graduation. Congratulations! You must have been beaming with pride. What a joyous occasion with your son along the way to cheer things on. Well done! 

 

 

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Mermaid Tears

You see, you can make all the money you desire, buy all the things you ever dreamed of and do everything your imagination can possibly conjure, but at the end of it all, who will be remembering you and for what?

I have a theory, that whilst making history during our stay on this planet is a memorable and worthy thing for sure (who wouldn’t want to find a cure for cancer or save lives every day, for example).
It’s love, actually, that burns your memory on the retina of this earth.

The people you create through your love. The souls you shape through your love. The hearts you touch with your love. They all carry your name in loving memory and for the very best of reasons.

When you love someone, regardless of shared genetics, you somehow place a little part of yourself into them, and that little part can pass through generations. No one can quite explain how that works, but it does. Even if you don’t ‘love’ that person, a life lived lovingly and in kindness can affect the journeys of so many, that in the same vein, a tiny little cell of your being is passed on and on and on, creating little magical stories along the way.

My Granny used to tell me a tale about a woman who helped her one day, when she had lost her money and was afraid to go home. The woman took my sobbing 11 year old Granny back home and made sure she didn’t get in to trouble with her parents and as a result of that one random act of kindness, My Granny lived a life helping others whenever she could and passing on that tiny little sparkle of herself time and time again. Protecting others and building bridges wherever she went.
Something crossed over and into her soul that day and it altered her whole chemical make-up. So much so that she lived her life differently from that point onwards.

There is an unexplained and mystical pathway of fizzing, sparkling, loving energy, that runs invisibly underneath our world and interconnects one human to another. It is not something Science can record and nor is it something money can buy.

The poorest person can leave the longest loving trail behind him, when his time on this earth is over. Likewise, the woman who ‘on paper’ didn’t achieve all that much, can actually have made an impact deeper than any political or social revolution and more enduring than any grand building.

So, what will you do with your dash?

Fill it well.

ScreenShot1243.jpg

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My girl is in heaven

Lesley.  Congrats to your daughter. I know that struggle inside of being the proud mom but also the sad mom.  I think we will always have that.  I'm glad you felt a sense of peace with your Tommy lookalike on the bus.  Just your boy letting you know he was there.  Very very accurate description of depression.  And even when you think you can see a pinhole of light or you might have one foot out of the hole, sure enough it can strike you down again, months or even years later.  It does warp your mind, it takes total control and convinces you of things that aren't true.  It is a life long struggle my friend especially for those of us who have lost a child.  But so far we have won and depression has lost.  

Kate.  Good for you bringing attention to the seriousnessof depression. Hopefully one day, maybe after our time, it will be treated with same respect and concern as diabetes, cancers or any other serious illness. Cause that's exactly what it is. And those people who say "well what could have been that bad or  how weak can someone be"?, they are probably the same people who think we should get over our child's death and just move on. Just ignorant and misinformed and callous. Hard to believe in 2017 those beliefs and stereotypes still exist.  

  

  

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Dianne, I have wondered after you and hoped you were okay...I cannot imagine one thing you have ever posted that could be misconstrued in that way. I am sorry that you have been quietly hurting...I know how that feels though, having had a parent scold me and quit the site allegedly due to my behavior here...I felt horrid about it but honestly, could not find one thing I said to have been hurtful to she or anyone. We can't always have folks interpret our words as we send them I guess.

Susan, the dash is beautiful. I love the dash, thank you.

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Lesley, I am thrilled that your Girl made her way down the aisle for graduation. What a feat to find her way to doing so under so big a strain as the loss of her Brother. Good for her and good for you too. Yep, happy/sad. It is the way we roll. I love that the look-alike was near you on the bus and you felt calm. That is definitely the part that lets me know it was a sign from Tommy, a guardian of sorts, letting you know that he riding along too, that he was there for his sis and he is there for you...

Lesley and Kate, absolutely true, the whole of depression is still not being treated nor accepted for what it is and it is well past time to do so. I do however feel that there are more public service announcements and blurbs about depression and more awareness being brought to the masses. As a third grade teacher, I talk about sadness and when sadness goes on and on it is something to get help for...that nobody should be alone with their worries or sadness. In our country, it seems more acceptable to be angry than sad, which is why we see such a spike in violent crimes...lets look at the sadness these kids have grown up with and realize that if we treat the sadness, the lack of strong family or the lack of a good education, or the lack of a strong neighborhood school, well we might be able to offset the resulting violence and suicides and out and out depression.

 

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My girl is in heaven

Susan.  I love your dash post.  Love the story of your gran.  When I was 15 or so I worked as a student at a green house that grew roses.    I started bring home roses and taking them around to the widowed ladies in town. I don't really remember why I did, guess just thought it would be nice thing to do.  Anyway thier reaction when I went to thier doors totally surprised me. They were smiling and thanking me, some of them sent me thank you notes. It was like a gave them a million bucks.  I realized then that even the smallest of gestures could bring a smile to someone even if only for a minute. And I also remember when I was in grade 4 my teacher lived in our town (pop. 400). My friend and I sat in the grass for a long time picking two big bouquets of dandelions for her. We didn't know they were weeds.  We were so proud and nervous taking them to her front door. She very sternly said "i have enough flowers girls" and slammed the door in our faces.  I remember being so terribly hurt by that. As an adult I looked back at that and thought you mean nasty lady, you could have said thank you girls and then just throw them out. She was a nasty teacher. We didn't get nice teachers like Dee in our town for some reason.  But both those experiences affected me a lot.  I have never done anything in a professional way or on a grand scale, I'm certainly no mother Theresa, but I have always tried to show some kindness and compassion especially for those who have suffered some kind of tragedy.  I know 2 or 3 people who are extremely  wealthy.  Now they have all done much better than me.  They will leave this world leaving behind a lot bigger bank account then me and their tomb stones will be a lot bigger than mine ( my name is already carved in the corner underneath Kira's name), but as long as I've know them I have never seen or heard of them doing anything kind for anyone.  Just always concered about what the next purchase will be or how they can squeeze a dime out of someone. Kira told me two nights before she died she wanted to be a social worker, she at the young age of 17 had so much compassion to help others. Her friends said no matter what was wrong Kira could always cheer them up. She was attending court to support  a friend who had been assaulted at the time she died. She didn't witness it but was there just to support her friend.  She hadn't even told me she was doing this.  She always wanted me to stop and give the homeless some money .  There was an odd kid at school who no one would talk to. I told her maybe he just needs a friend.  So she introduced herself and made friends with him. So even though there wasn't a lot of time for Kira's dash. The time she had was spent helping others. I am so proud of her for that. And can't help but think all the people she would have made a difference for had she gotten the chance. 

Dianne and Dee. I cannot remember either one you saying anything unkind or offensive at all and can't ever imagine that.  Nothing but total kindness and support to everyone.  You have both been beacons of light for me. I hope someone tells me if I say something wrong, I just try to talk from my heart, but would never intentionally hurt anyone. Guess we just can't please everyone.  

I think everyone here are making thier dashs count. If someone had of told me six years ago there was a web site with wonder kind parents who would hold my hands and help me thru this journey I didn't sign up for, I would not have believed that could be. Strangers who would care when my family  and friends don't.  Thanks Susan for bringing up that topic of our dash. It really gives one something  think about . 

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