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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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My girl is in heaven

Hey Kate. Watch the national news tonight. Nurse in Woodstock sentenced today for 8 murders of seniors in nursing home by injection. She is now one of Canada's most prolific serial killers. I live about 40 min from Stratford, go there every other week for chaplain/grief counselling and drive by the festival all the time but don't think much of it. I have been a couple times. About 1 and a half hours from the falls but have seen a lot so I have no interest seeing them again. I guess people do come from all over for those attractions though.  We will be buried in innerkip with Kira but would still like to get out of Woodstock someday. Too many memories good and bad. A 13 and 5 year old killed in car accident near Toronto last night.  

Becky, how is your health these days. Are you able to get outside by yourself yet?

Does anybody know anything about Rainie?  She has helped me so much with her kind words and sharing her story. I hope she is ok.  

Darcy, how are you doing these days?  You are due in August? 

Lesley.  Dee is so right that you have already faced the worst, I know you will get thru.u.

  Georgina  someone really told you to move On? How dare anybody presume a grieving parent should have moved on.  Oh that makes me so angry when non bereaved people say things like that. Hope you and Charlotte are getting much needed rest . 

 

 

  

 

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InHeavensKeeping

Lorie thinking of you today on Taylor's birthday I hope and pray that he is close to you today Xx

I noticed from your photo that tYour boys are buried side by side so nice to have them together My two boys are at different graveyards I hate this so much x

Lesley I know how hard this will be for you I will also be in this position too as my sister who lives in America Son is getting married over here and I don't know if I van handle it.  It just kills me because all I think about is this should of be James at every stage and it breaks my heart just over and over at every stage. 

Thankyou Dee for you words of encouragement we have to go meet with the Air Ambulance HEMS doctors tomorrow who treated James.  I'm so scared of what they will say it's just too much to bare. I wish it didn't happen. 

Charlotte is having flashbacks so up all night reliving what happened  they did say this was normal but to keep an eye on it as it could cause her problems so feeling quite anxious about this as well.  

Thank you Sherry and Susan For thinking of me and your advice xxx

Lou Ann I have had that said to me so many times since James died but I was so upset when it was said when Charlotte got ill it was like I was being blamed as I was grieving for James  Thanks Lou Ann xx

 

 

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Hello  to  all  INDIGOS.  I'm still behind with reading posts, but

am trying to get caught up.

 

Susan----thanks for posting the lovely family pics. Little Vito sure is

an adorable baby.  Looks like he loves the water too.

Carol----Good to see your post.  Am so sorry to learn of your accident.  So

good that your daughters were there for you.  Times like these are when family

means the most. Also I'm glad that you saw the "punch buggy"  outside the pharmacy.

It's true.....one doesn't see them as often anymore.  Your two Mikes will always be with

you and show you little signs that they are near.

 

LouAnn----thank you for your kind words.  Yes,...Angel Days are so bittersweet, and

it warms the heart when others acknowledge out dear children who left this world too

soon.  By now,   (14 yrs. later for Davey's passing, and many years ago for Lisa's passing),

I am used to my family members not remembering the dates,....or even sometimes...not even

remembering my two angels.  Awhile back, I mentioned baby Lisa in casual conversation with

a family member, and they admitted that they had forgotten about her.  These things happen,

and no choice but to just press on..  After all....it had been so many yrs. Other people move

on with their lives.... But one thing is ever constant, and that is

that we never forget our beloved children. They are with us always.

 

Kate-----Good to see your post.  Your area sounds just lovely, and I'm glad that when you made

the move from the city that it has all worked out well for you.  We moved from suburbs to the

outlying country, and have always been glad. Someday, it may be necessary for us to "downsize"

and move back to the suburbs, but for now and the past 7 years, we've enjoyed our time on our

little piece of the country. Our berry patch is giving lots of raspberries, and we've had nice

lettuce and onions from the garden.

 

Dee------Your walk in the labrinth sounds so nice.  There is one a few miles from us at a catholic

shrine.  We visited it quite a few yrs. ago.....Davey was with us, as we had eaten at the fish fry

they had.   Haven't been there since, but sometime, may go back.  Prayers for your husband.

 

Georgina-----glad to hear that Charlotte is now home. I , so, understand your nervousness and

apprehension over her health.  I had a similar experience a few years ago with my youngest 

daughter.  Very scary indeed, and paralyzes one in fear for them.  Once we've lost a dear child,

we become fearful that something else may happen.  Sending up prayers for you and your

family,...and Charlotte's return to health. Peace to you.

 

Tinay-----Your time on this rough journey is so very recent.   It's so understandable that you

feel the way that you do.  Please take care of yourself, and keep coming back to this site

where everyone understands.

 

  SWEET BABY ANGEL ,...TAYLOR.......HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN.....BLESS YOUR

LITTLE WHITE  SOUL.

 

Laurie-------I'm sorry I missed baby Taylor's Birthday.  May your loving memories of him

warm your heart.   Thanks for your wishes & tribute with Dave's picture.  I would post

something pretty if I could, but never became adept at the artistic/technical side of posts.:huh:

 

Lesley-----I believe that you have a good plan in place for when your sister's son....who looks

so much like Tommy, comes to visit.  I guess there is no way we are able to anticipate how

we will react and handle a situation such as this, and to have a Plan B in place, as you have

thought out, is a good thing.  Peace to you, friend.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,  Sherry

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Hi All, glad to see so many posting back and forth to one another...we are the support for each other that is for sure.

My Son had a 3.5 hour surgery today, I was on pins and needles, but he did well and is going to be home in a day or so. He had his back repaired: fractured discs and bulging discs. He had some fused, it is a major surgery and rehab will be long but I am so glad that he is on this side of surgery now. At 35, the pain he suffered was daily and debilitating. He did all he could as far as physical therpay over the years...but alas, the docs told him, there is no more remedy in these treatments. His dad and his great grand mom on his Dad's Mom side have fracturing of back disc history. So my Baby is at the hospital in the city, I was there earlier, but I am home with he and Shannon's kids and will stay here tonight as Shannon stays with him at the hospital. I am tired but wired. Once i sit and read, I think I will be able to sleep...My husband and I will be on duty helping my Son get on his feet for short walks everyday until he can do this on his own. We will take the kids to school and pick them up for about three weeks until the doctor let's Jonathan drive again.

Georgina, I will say extra prayers for Charlotte to not have any more flashbacks. prayers and hope to you all. I hope tomorrow goes well, it must be overwhelming to face so much in so short a time.

Laurie, very glad that the scope was clear and that you are good. I love the photo you sent and I agree with the others, the love put into keeping the area beautiful is evident. Peace to you Dear.

Sherry, I hate that folks forget but you are right, all we can do is press on knowing that we shall never forget.

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Dee, good news indeed! What a relief as I'm sure it has been a very tiring and stressful day. I'm sure you'll sleep like a log tonight. 

Sherry, good to hear from you. I  spent a delightful day at a friends house sitting on her deck just drinking in the view. The breeze off of the water was lovely and later we had a nice walk along the white sandy beach. I  love raspberries and in fact we had some very sweet ones with vanilla yogourt for lunch. My tomatoes are finally growing nicely and we are finally beginning to have some summer heat. They should really take off this weekend. 

Lou Ann, yes, I heard this evening about that woman. There is no accounting for someone so sick. I found a book about the first woman that went over Niagara Falls successfully in a barrel many years ago. I believe her name was Annie Taylor. It was such a sad story as she was horribly used by her promoter who made  off with her money from the event. Anyway, apparently that is why it was called Maid of the Mist. I love Don Cherry and can't believe how bizarre his outfits are. The boys always loved to watch his videos. Did you know that Scott Oake's son Darcy is a magician and was a runner up a couple of years ago on Britain's Got Talent. The kid is amazing.

We are brazing ourselves for a huge week. It will be the 150th celebration of our Confederation ( prior to that we were a British Colony) this weekend. Already the dreaded city folks are starting to arrive. The weather forecast is looking to be very nice. Many events planned for special celebrations. Thinking of everyone this evening and wishing you all a good night.

Kate

 

 

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Hi there, I'm Jennifer and I'm having a very difficult time accepting my sons death. I'm copying and pasting this here, as I posted yesterday in Loss of a Child, I hope that's ok. Ten months and six days ago, my 9 year old son, Julian, was riding in a car with my ex husbands girlfriend. She was drunk. Neither of them were wearing a seatbelt. She swerved off the road and hit a telephone pole. Julian had many skull fractures and, I later learned, lost some brain matter in the vehicle. He officially died 4 days later.  I was shopping for school clothes when it happened, as this was 9 days before the start of the new school year. Instead of a backpack and shoes, we had to choose a casket. It's impossible to describe the agony I felt and still feel. Julian was about to start 5th grade after completing 3rd grade, thus skipping 4th grade. He was so so so incredibly smart! He was my youngest child and I felt a deep connection with him. He was a very "difficult" and strong-minded boy. He was trying and exhausting and also very very funny! One minute I'd be pulling my hair out in frustration and the next minute he'd have me laughing until I cried! I cannot grieve. I can cry, but just because of how injured he looked, not because he's never coming back. I don't believe he'll never be here again! I know it sounds crazy, but I just can't believe that. I thought time would help me accept this, but I just wait. I'm just waiting for him to come back and thinking "when Julian comes back...". I don't know how to move forward and I don't know if I want to. I feel guilty if I allow him to be gone from our lives. I just can't accept it. Has anyone else felt this way? I always thought if I lost a child that I'd be completely devastated and unable to function. It's a very surreal and alien feeling and I'm not handling this as I feel I "should"... if it's ok, here are some photos. Julian on his last birthday, and Julian just two months before his death, almost exactly one year ago

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JD's Mom, Becky

Hello all! Yesterday, I spent a very trying day back and forth through  emails trying to get the details down for a vinyl overlay for my four by four billboard out front. The one that was there was almost completely disintgrated from the sun! Although I can't see well enough to create new images, I had some I did a few years ago on a flash drive, so I used one of those. Tedious and frustrating, but I got it to the size and resolution they needed to print it. It worked my nerves enough that my IBS woke me in the middle of the night!

They came and installed it this morning!

liondownlarge.thumb.jpg.1238471f957ab19000781aeaf03c3d1b.jpg

The old sign had the  " slow down " warnings on it, which traffic pretty much ignores, so I decided, along with my husband and daughter to put up something we knew Jared would like and will give us a smile everytime we come or go!

Happy Heavenly Birthday Taylor! Thinking of you today, Laurie! 

Thank you for asking about me, Louann. I still mostly go outside when someone is here, as my balance and vision are still not right. My gums are healing and feeling better, but the denture is going to take some getting used to! 

I try to read your posts daily, but posting is still a struggle for me. I think of all of you, and pray for you all the time. Susan, love that baby boy! So precious! 

Dee, I had a vertebrae and two discs replaced with a "cage" and some space age materials about nine months after losing Jared. I had been in a head on  collision years before and the damage to that area of my neck, C5,6,7, were enough to cause my arms and hands to go numb and much pain in my neck all the time. The surgery was major, but the numbness was immediately better and neck pain was gone! Prayers for your son.

Love to all,

Becky

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So we had a court date on the 22nd, and apparently the defense is stalling claiming he doesn't have enough access to his client (not due to the jail but an overload of the public defenders office) and now we will not start the trial on September 11th. It's delay after delay after delay.

It is just now 11 months after Nathaniel was murdered, and the man's mother gets to visit him in prison and celebrate holidays and birthdays when we sit in this kind of purgatory between getting some justice and the horror and devastation that was caused.

I'm beyond angry right now, and because of my current issues, I just don't have any energy. I feel like some days this whole thing is slowly killing me. I'm stressed beyond any limit and I just want to sleep all the time.  Even small triumphs that I am meeting in my life are so fleeting and temporary in their bit of happiness. My youngest son leaves to visit our family in Alberta next week and he'll be gone for one month.  I'm very anxious about it, but I think it will be good for him to be away in a very nurturing environment with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and lots of cousins. And I'll be having surgery at the end of July, so it will be good that he is not here for that.  He doesn't need the extra stress and anxiety.

I'm looking for a place nearby where we can go camping one weekend while my son is away as it's always a good way for my husband and I to regroup and get to know each other again. We sit and play cards and chat for hours next to the campfire and it's just heaven.  We were camping just 3 days before Nathaniel was murdered, so it would be nice to get that peaceful time away to reflect. 

I did a ceramics workshop two weekends ago that was good for my soul, but I realize how much I miss doing ceramics during the summer and I can't wait for the semester to begin. I really need to get past this trial and then focus on building my own studio. I'm also struggling right now with not feeling like the place that I am at has enough open windows.  I'm not sure what it is, but I want to be able to breathe the outside air all the time. I have to have open windows, and not just a fan or AC.  It's driving me batty really, and I can't tell if it's these stupid BC pills I'm on to stop the bleeding, or if it's some new feature of my anxiety/ptsd.  I'm beyond frustrated about it. I have a call into my doctor.

Speaking of doctors, all 44 of my genetic tests for the genes they know cause breast/ovarian/colon cancer came back negative, so that's a relief and they won't be taking the ovaries, just everything else.  So at least there will be no crash course in menopause, it will proceed normally just without the other bits.  It also means that once surgery is over I can go off the lunacy pills that are causing increased nightmares and extreme moodiness. Ready to get the whole thing over with now that we have a plan.  It's a waiting game

Georgina,

I was very happy to hear that Charlotte is back home, my thoughts and wishes go out to her for a speedy recovery and to you for strength and compassion.

Laurie,

I'm glad that your medical procedure was clear.  Here's to many more of those and to your good health.

Lesley,

It's always hard to catch your son out of the corner of your eye when you see someone who looks so much like him.  My youngest son looks very much like Nathan did though he is much taller. Sometimes I hear him speak with Nathan's voice and it takes my breath away. I hope the visit goes well, and that you know that each one of your family keeps your son alive in some way, and while it's hard sometimes to see you can take comfort knowing that there are still hopes and dreams alive in your sisters son.

Dee,

I am glad that Jonathan is on the mend and that you get to spend time with your grandbabies. I can tell you from experience that time spent with grandparents can make lasting memories for children and the time you spend with them will strengthen your bond far into the future.  it's good that you live close and that you are able to take care of them.  What a blessing for you all.  I will continue to send loving thoughts to you and Jonathan, Shannon and the children. You will all need patience and kindness in his journey to wellness.

 

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Julian's mom, my heart breaks for you. My heart breaks for everyone on here. As if my heart isn't broken already. The crying is more and more everyday. I can't take time off from work. We have FMLA (family medical leave act) here but that won't let me keep money coming in to pay my bills and keep the roof over my son and my head. 

I'm still waiting for the court reporter to get the court records to the attorney before they decide if they will take the case. It's been 99 days today since my kiona passed. I thought, what hours it would be but I don't want to even think about that. I go through enough just counting days. She was pronounced at 4:42 am ALONE on Tuesday the 21st of March. I keep saying that for me. I don't know why. I still don't believe. I don't want to. I know I should. 

It tears me down even more when I think she was alone when she passed. So many questions regarding those last moments in her life. I know I will never have the answers. I'm not sure how to find the peace of mind knowing she wasn't in any pain and not truly alone. I guess my faith is being tested and I try to believe she wasn't alone or in pain. 

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My girl is in heaven

Dee.  Glad to hear your son came through his surgery ok. Anything with the back can be so painful and take awhile to heal. Good for you to pitch in and help out with your grandchildren.  That's what grandparents are for but not all would do it.  How is your husband these days? 

Devianz I'm so sorry you have had another delay. I'm sure you just want that part behind you instead of hanging over your head. It must be very unsettlingto have to go to court. I hear you wanting to sleep all the time and having no energy.  You have the one year anniversary coming soon, your surgery and then constantly waiting for the trial date. One person should not have to bear all you have. Hang one to those little pieces of happiness no matter how fleeting they may be. Camping and ceramics sound good. And the camping will give you that fresh air your craving. Glad your genetics tests came back clear. Just take one day one hour or one minute at a time. You have so much on your plate. If you don't feel up to it let me know the areas you want to go camping and I can look them up on the internet for you and send you the names.  I know what it feels like to be so down you can't function.  Take care dear. Your are stronger than you know. 

Oh Becky.  That sign is amazing.  Your r right the slow down warnings probably don't fizz on people unless they have lost someone in  that way. And what a cute cute boy.  Love his curly hair.  I am sure Jared is very proud of you all.  How is Jasmine doing at her new job ? Take care and hopefully your eye sight will continue to improve. Hugs.

Julians mom. I already talked to you on the other web site yesterday. But I am glad you decided to come over where you will feel lots of support and love from so many people.  It is so very ok to post pictures of your beautiful son.  Thanks for sharing them. It almost brings me to tears to look at those pictures and I know how deeply your hurting.  You have almost made it to that one year mark which is hard getting thru all the firsts with out Julian. You are not alone.  We are all here for you.  Hugs

Kate. Yes there sure is no body more patriotic and promoting hockey then Don Cherry.  I will miss him someday. I saw a story on Scott Oakes life and saw that he had a son who was a magician. But the story was mostly about his son Bruce who died of drug addiction.  So sad his parents tried so hard to get him some help. Very cool here today and have had lots of rain lately.  Hope you are getting better weather than me.  Take care

 

 

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50 minutes ago, Tinay said:

It tears me down even more when I think she was alone when she passed. So many questions regarding those last moments in her life. I know I will never have the answers. I'm not sure how to find the peace of mind knowing she wasn't in any pain and not truly alone. I guess my faith is being tested and I try to believe she wasn't alone or in pain. 

Tinay,

I just want to reach across the internet and hug you right now.  That is the worst thing for me too, the pain of knowing that my son died with no friends around him outside a dirty gas station after being stabbed by a guy he thought was a friend and whom he knew since 5th grade. I think I remember the coroner telling me that he died almost instantly, but I think this is something they say to family to try and ease the pain.  I can find no peace for these questions either and some days it just eats me up inside. I wonder if he knew he was going to die, I wonder how much pain he was in. It's just the painful questions we, as parents, ask ourselves over and over because we were supposed to be able to protect them from pain and suffering.  But there was nothing you could do, it was out of your hands and you couldn't have prevented it. Oh my heart hurts for you, I spend so much time with the same pain. hugs hugs hugs

Lou Ann,

Thanks for the kind words. Yes, the anniversary date is July 25, my surgery is July 31, and his twenty second birthday would have been August 16th. So it will be a rough time for a bit for me. In a way, it's good that they pushed the court date back because I'll have more time to recover and gather myself.  As much as I want the trial over with and to see that man permanently behind bars where he can't hurt anyone else, I want them to do it right so there is zero chance of appeal.

Jennifer,

I am so sorry for your loss in such a traumatic way.  It's so hard to lose a child when you know the fault is someone else's. It's a very hard journey to walk, and please know that many of us are walking that same journey and understand and feel your pain.  The pain never goes away, and I haven't gotten over the occasional thought that Nathaniel will walk through the door at any moment and I will be filled with his laughter once more.  Some days are better than other but I still walk around corners expecting to see him standing there. It's very difficult. My heart goes out to you, you are not alone. He was a beautiful boy, treasure those pictures and keep posting.  We'll walk with you.

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JD's Mom, Becky

To all facing court dates for justice, I pray for resolution that will help ease your pain. We battled against the system for two years to no avail, and ended filing a civil suit for wrongful death, in which we prevailed. There is less in the way of required proof in a civil matter, and here the police and states attorney just didn't think they had enough on the driver to successfully win a criminal case, so they simply don't bother, but I did get my day to speak my piece of mind to them, and at least we were heard, and I knew Jared was listening and was proud that we stood up for him. Afterwards is when I got so sick and ended up in ICU for a week. I nearly died. I had pancreititis, and a blood sugar of almost 1600. My husband came home and found me passed out and called the ambulance. Since then my health has been a rollercoaster of issues, all related to diabetes, and stress. Take care of yourselves,  please! I spent those two years up til all hours of the night pouring over reports, etc., and was at that time actively involved with the popwarner football and cheer programs here. We got involved when Jared was playing, from 8-12 years old, then stayed on after he moved to high school ball. The folks in the program were so good to us when we lost Jared, that I just didn't feel we could leave them high and dry, so we stayed another year while I trained someone to do my job as president, and Jerry passed along his knowledge in coaching. By the time that two year statute of limitations rolled around in 2013, I was just completely exhausted.

Lou Ann, Thanks for asking, Jasmine is excelling at her new job. It's a 45 minute drive from here through all the beachbound traffic, but she loves the job as their "Arch Expert" for Ulta Beauty.

Jennifer, I am so sorry about your loss of your precious son, Julian. Such a beautiful boy! I hope you'll continue to share your journey with us.

Georgina, so good to hear from you and that your daughter is with you!

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My girl is in heaven

Devianz and Tinay. I too struggled for a long time about my Kira dying in that bathtub alone especially when I was right downstairs all the time.  I asked myself did she gasp for air or try to call out to me.   Dr assured me she died a very peaceful death and did not suffer.  I wonder too if they just told me that to make me feel better.  But after six years of talking to him on and off I am satisfied it was peaceful .  Remember Lesley reminded us awhile ago that none of us pass alone. Being a nurse she saw much and I totally believe what she said.  We all have a life time of heartache to deal with please don't torture yourselves with how your child died or what they may have felt. None of us will ever know for sure.  You are both good moms and your beautiful kids knew how much you loved them. That is what is most important. I just want to save you both from the agony I put my own self thru wondering the exact  same things. I am hugging you both.  Geez I wish we all lived close together.  Take care my friends. 

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Julian's Mom, I am so sorry to welcome you here, but I am glad that you have found us with the assistance of others. Julian is so handsome...wow, he was going to skip 4th grade, what a bright young man. I teach 3rd grade, so I am always amazed to meet the kids who just get it...Please listen to those here, as you approach that one year mark of time, you will likely feel more anxiety and worry. My Girl died nearly 14 years ago, when a train hit her car at a broken crossing. You land in a new world when you lose a Child, and the rules that governed your life prior to this tragic event that stole your Boy, have all changed. Life is new and much of it is not pretty. I promise that some of this will change but it will take time. You will one day feel a purpose again, but again, it is a long process and a worthwhile one. Grief is a process and it is not linear, so we revisit some of the stages we thought we were done with...don't feel you are back tracking, you are just like all of us who have traveled back and forth through those stages. Please come back often post whenever you want and read and tell us more about Julian whenever you want. Photos are a plus for all of us, so please indulge us.

Becky, the signage is gorgeous. I am so glad you were able to get it made. Also glad that Jasmine is enjoying her job.

Kate, I did not sleep like a log last evening, but boy, I wanted to. When I stay with the Grandkids overnight, I sleep lightly and wake a lot. I did take an awesome deep nap this afternoon and now I am at the hospital with Jonathan as he probably is not going home today, which is making him really frustrated. His wife went home so that she can be with the kids and I will stay here tonight...though he is still hoping to go home today. He feels anxious here, I feel anxious when they let folks go home too soon. I wish they had told him he was staying at least 2 days and then he never would have expected to go home today. He is also two days with no ciggarettes, which makes him crabby, and can't eat food yet...was sick most of the morning from all the meds...not an easy time. HOpefully he sttles down and is able to rest. Fingers crossed, and prayers are welcome. He is scared. Not able to pee on his own yet. Can't go home till that happens. Poor Sweetie.

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Tommy's mum

dee hope your son recovers well back surgery is difficult to predict an outcome and is very debilitating. My ex suffered for years and had surgery and rigorous physio for a long time eventually cured him. Try giving him the antismoking patches they were a lifesaver for me when I had all my surgeries. I also had Nicorette quickmist spray which has helped me to quit the cigarettes completely.

Inheavenskeeping how did the meeting with HEMS air ambulance go? I hope they gave you some answers and I think all these first responders are amazing. I watch a show about HEMS in the UK and they are incredibly kind and supportive to their patients besides treating them so professionally.

Sherry we never forget our lost children that is all that matters. They are with us every day and know they have a piece of our heart and soul for life.

Becky your son was so handsome those eyes tell a story I hope it stops even a few people from speeding.

Devianz glad you are back. The delays must be so difficult causing a roller coaster of emotions as you gear yourself up mentally only to be monumentally let down. The wheels of justice do indeed grind very slowly. Be patient and comfort yourself that there is a reason for the delay and it may come to your benefit in the end.

welcome to our recent newbies but I grieve that it is necessary to be part of this community. Know you will find understanding compassion and support here from all our members. No question is silly no emotions thoughts or beliefs are wrong. You will be understood by others who have walked this path ahead of you and truly "get it" when others around you do not and fail to support you appropiately.

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Dee, honestly you'd think that after everything we have had to endure after losing our kids we would get a time out for a bit. It sure does not appear to work like that. Life continues to throw us punches for sure. I hope they managed to keep him comfortable for the night. Poor guy. How did you manage yourself? It is not easy sitting in those chairs for prolonged periods. Keep us posted and sending positive wishes for a speedy recovery. 

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Mermaid Tears

I tried to post one of my favorite poems....sigh

 

Julian's Mom..I lost our oldest son in 2012....John David....he was 42....and this grief journey has been very hard..very sad..very dark but with the care of all the parents on this site...I am surviving. Still....with all that I have been through...there is a special sacred place in my heart...for parents that has lost a 'young' child..and my empathy for those parents is strong. Your grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique....but there are some common grounds to share. What a handsome young man....what a bright young man....and he is still your boy. You are still his Mommy. None of us are professional therapists...counselors...we are just a group of parents that found our way to this site....we walk in the same shoes...even though the paths are so different. This kind of grief is very physical...I really did feel my 'heart breaking'....and so emotional..and grief is also very exhausting. Please use this site as a way to express any and every emotion you have. We understand.

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Thank you all so so much! I really appreciate the warm welcome! I wish there was no need for this site and that losing a child wasn't a reality for any of us. I hate that you all have gone through this, but it's nice to know I'm not alone. My heart breaks for all of you

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Mermaid Tears,

I'm sure losing a child of any age is just as horrific. I have two older children, 15 and 17, and I can't imagine losing them ever. I'm sure losing an adult child means also losing a friend. My daughter, 17, is quickly becoming one of my dearest friends. My heart goes out to you. 

 

The hopes, dreams, and plans all die when a young child dies. I'll never know what he would look like. What career would he have chosen? All of his children and grandchildren will never exist. It's like an entire generation and generations after that are all gone. It's absolutely incomprehensible to feel such a loss.  On June 8th, we had the sentencing for the woman who killed Julian. She received 33 years with another 40 years suspended. I was expecting her to get a 15-20 year sentence, so I was very surprised at the harsh 73 year sentence. It's bittersweet because this young woman also lost her life, in a sense, although she was probably never going to amount to anything. She is 29 and has already led a very shady lifestyle. It's not that I feel she didn't deserve that long sentence, it's just a lot more than I expected. I almost feel guilt, especially after seeing the leniency given to other offenders of the same crime. But again, it's all so new and I haven't had time to process everything. I haven't even reached the point where I'm angry with her. I don't even think about her. If I spend time thinking about her, then that's time I could've spent thinking of my Julian. I'm jealous that she got to spend the last moments of his life, at least the life he was aware of, with him. I want to know what song was on the radio, was he singing, what was he wearing, and WHY WASNT HE BUCKLED?! Julian ALWAYS wore a seatbelt and would panic if the car was put in gear and he wasn't buckled. It's something I engraved into my children! It just doesn't make sense, and she has all the answers. 

 I see where a lot of you are still awaiting the judicial process and I can tell you, I know how awful and emotional that process is. I'm grateful that ours was swift, however, now there's nothing to "do". We're just left with the broken pieces. I go to work, the sun rises and sets, the seasons change, all of it against my wishes. I just want everything to stop until Julian comes home. 

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  What a gorgeous photo of your Julian. And how beautifully spoken your reflections on the actions in court. I get the guilt thing, but hey, if this sentence of this young lady can help save the lives of others...and if it can also be shown to those who also drink and drive...well then good.

Grief does not flow like a river, rather a turbulent flood at times and a small stream at others...rarely is it an even keel during those first months and years. It changes over time...the grief does not lighten but instead, we learn to weave it into our everyday and therefore we take our Babies everywhere we go...work, the store, a walk, a class, everywhere. We never leave without them and allowing your brain or heart to focus on something or someone else will not ever mean that you are not thinking of your Child. Your Child knows he is NUMBER 1 in your spirit. Sometimes, when you are unsure how to be, ask yourself what you might tell someone in these same circumstances. We rarely give ourselves the margins and space that we offer others. Treat yourself with kindness, you are after all, the Mom of three Kids who love you to the moon and back.

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Hi Gang of Parents,

I hope everyone is well today. I am up from a huge nap after spending another night at the hospital...great news is my Son is home, I was able to take him home this morning. He was in a lot of pain but was so glad to head home. We are going over there in a few minutes to help out for a couple hours as the kids come back from day care. They will be hyper-ish that dad is home but that they can't rough-house with him...We will be watching over JOnathan for the newxt few weeks while his wife goes to work...just making sure of his balance and safety as he builds his strength again. Thank you for the good wishes, keep them coming.

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Dee, wonderful news! Here's hoping that each day will see a positive improvement. Hope Hubby is also taking it one day at a time.

Thinking of everyone both old and new to this journey. 

Kate

 

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Mermaid Tears

Dee..glad he is home...one always heals better at home.....

 

this posting is so ME.....sharing it with all of you....

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi I just wanted to update all those that have asked about how our meeting with the HEMS/Air Ambulance went. I was so frightened, anxious and upset as we pulled into the airdrome base and the helicopter was there to the side of us. I just cried and cried for what could of been. 
The doctor who saw us was the doctor who had treated James, he was lovely kind and gentle.  He went through what they had done and tried to do he was very compassionate.
As to if it helped I don't know what to say because it's hard to trust again because of the fight we're having with the police.  I didn't feel comforted in any way just completely and utterly bereft.
The HEMS doctors are amazing and the paramedics I thanked them for all they did. 

Dee I've been keeping you and your boy in my prayers it's so draining in the hospital at the bedside. God Bless you xx

Julians mum so sad you've had to join us here but your amongst loving caring friends now who get it as they've walked in your shoes. Xxxx
Georgina x

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Thanks for the good wishes for my Son and yes, I do think one heals best at home Susan...but sure am grateful for the caring attention from the nurses and doctors. The kids were thrilled to see him today...and he them.

Georgina, thanks for keeping Jon in your thoughts and prayers. I am glad that you were able to meet with the man who treated James, and that he was gentle and kind.

Kate, thanks for your kind thoughts for Jonathan. I hope that Canada Days is successful and filled with goodness.

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Georgina, how is Charlotte doing?

 

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Tommy's mum

saw a video on Facebook and wanted to share as its very calming and will touch those who have faith. I don't know how to add links but google Gentri let it be. They are a group of religious singers from Utah who do an incredible version of the Beatles song which is pretty amazing and powerful. I do not have faith but it touched me.

The sun came out today after a week of rain it was good to see it again as the positive solar energy gives me energy and makes me want to be outside and doing things. i am glad we have not got the heatwave a lot of you guys in the US have. Not sure if its hot in Canada or not?

It is the weekend so I hope you all find some down time doing something you enjoy or gives your spirits peace.

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Jeff's Mom

HAPPY CANADA DAY/ BONNE FETE CANADA!

Wishing all Canadians a great day! Many special activities and celebrations to acknowledge our special anniversary. Enjoy.

Lou Ann, Jeff would have loved this as Bono and The Edge are one of the Internnational acts performing on Parliament Hill today. 

Love to all, Kate

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Jeff's Mom

Dee, I hope that each day sees a positive improvement for Jon. I bet the kids were over the moon to see their Daddy back home. We headed into the city yesterday to a cute old word type toy store. They had amazing toys for kids and we picked up a couple of awesome kites and a few other outdoor type toys for the girls. I think it is so important that they get outside in the fresh air and make their own fun during the summer. I had to smile when I saw that Bono was performing today. How Jeff loved that band along with Coldplay.  Prince Charles and The Duchess of Cornwall ( Camilla) are also here to open the ceremonies. It should be a long but fun packed day for all.

Georgina, how is your daughter coming along? How nice that the doctor and air ambulance people were so attentive and understanding towards your pain. There are good people out there for sure. 

Becky, I hope you are starting to improve. You have had so much on your plate to deal with. Hang in there.

Dianne, thinking of you.

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"OH CANADA" sings in my head...happy Canada Days to all of you Canadians, our Northern Neighbors...A more peaceful neighbor than we have been for  you.

Kate, thanks, I will check on Jon later this morning but he is definitely more comfortable at home...lots of pain but not unusual. They put hardware in him and his incisions are both abdominal and in his lower back. Oh Jeff loved Bono too, me too. I love U2 and stop in my tracks for most of their songs, listen to a lot of them. Also feel that way about Eddie Vedder from Pearl Jam... I love that the young royals are bringing grief into the discussions around the world...that to me is carrying on the good works of their Mum...

May there be a ray of light in your day today Everyone...that ray of light is your Child.

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Here is a song by two women I adore...sisters Nora JOnes and Annoushka Shankarr

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My girl is in heaven

Kate.  I was just about to text to you. Yes Happy Canada Day . Good groups that Jeff liked. He would have enjoyed today in Ottawa.  Fo  Kira it was Katy Perry and Adele. I have never and will never listen to music again. Any kind of music bothers me.  Another reason I hate to shop now, the overhead music they play.  Anyway lots going on in Ottawa.  Not sure I agree with the rubber duck in Toronto harbour at a cost of 200,000 to the tax payers .  The small town we lived in when Kira was alive always has a whole day of celebrations parade ,fire works, beer tent, baseball.  But for me to go would just be sad memories of when she would ride her bike or sit on a float waving her little Canada flag.  July 1st for me is just a sign that I made it thru another June 19, Kira's Angel date.  Hope you have a nice day in Winnipeg. 

Dee, glad Jonathan is home and on the mend.  How is your husband?  Prayers for both of them.  You have had to be nurse maid a lot this year.  Wishing healing to them both.  Look after your self too, don't get too run down.  

Lesley, Georgina  and Darcy. As Kate said,  Charles and Camilla are here to celebrate our 150th.  I remember in public school there was a picture of the queen in every classroom and we stood to sing God save the queen at the stArt of each day.  Kate do you remember that? I never knew until just recently that that was your national anthem.  I always just thought of it as a song about the queen. Georgina How is Charlotte coming along still praying for her. Hope you are getting some much needed rest for your self.  That must have been tough listening to emergency personelle. I feel so bad for those of you who have that extra burden to carry with you of seeki g justice for your childre. But you are stong keep fighting. 

Julianas mom.  Glad you have come to us for help. Hope you feel all of our arms around you.  

 

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Tommy's mum

sorry I forgot Happy Canada day to each one of you on our forum!! i do not like camilla or Charles at all.I was a Diana fan and hated that she was headhunted and sacrificed then treated so poorly by the Royals. Our Monarchy is becoming modernised which is good William and harry have a lot to do with that. Hope William becomes king his father will run it into the ground and is not popular here.

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My girl is in heaven

Lesley  I was always a Diana fan too.  She was the same age as me and couldn't wait to see what she would be wearing.  I always thought Charles just married her to have kids but always had Camilla waiting in the wings.  I remember getting up so eArly to watch the wedding.  And when she died I remember all the people in front of the palace yelling " show us you care" .  That was certainly a great loss when she passed.  That's interesting that Charles is not popular there.  

 

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Mermaid Tears

HAPPY CANADA DAY.....from a Texas Mermaid....

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Jeff's Mom

It has been a really hectic day, but a good one. I can honestly say that after Jeff died I honestly felt I would never want to do anything again. Time has a way of healing those scars and slowly the light begins to find its way into the cracks again. There was a great parade this morning. This afternoon spent with friends and this evening a parade of boats that are lit up along the water before the fireworks. Good stuff all around.

Lou Ann, for the first two years I walked around our home in silence. The triggers sent me into a downward spiral. Jeff loved his music and it filled our house on a daily basis. Everything from rock to jazz, etc. Eventually it just started to become easier to listen to the stereo, etc. I will admit that Xmas is and always will be difficult with the Christmas Carols. So much emotion and memories attached. We all go about it in our own way. 

I, too, loved Diana. It was such a heartache to her boys and such a terrible loss to everyone. I will say that Camilla appears to lead a fairly quiet life from what I hear. She is very active in her involvement with abused women. William is bringing the royals into the new age. I still will always support them.

Thanks to all for the warm wishes. 

Kate :)

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Hello  to all INDIGOS,......and HAPPY CANADA  DAY to  my  Canadian friends here at BI/

 

Jennifer------I'm so very sorry for your loss of your precious little boy, Julian. He

is such a sweet little boy, and so understandable that you are devastated.

Such a tragedy....drunken driving causes a lifetime of sorrow when someone dies.

 I so understand your anger.  I do hope that you will find a way

to get some peace & comfort.  Thoughts & prayers 

 

Kate------Our raspberries are winding down now.  but, I have a good store put up 

in the freezer, so they will be used for pies and cobblers.  Glad that your summer

is heating up, and that tomatoes are coming along.  We should have tomatoes in

a few weeks. We've had much rain lately, so now they need sun, as does the

rest of the garden. 

Becky----Beautiful billboard for your dear J.D. and his beloved lion. It's sure

to catch a lot of attention....it's so beautiful, and you did such great work on it.

 

Devianz-----Yes,  court cases just grind along so slowly....delays and more delays,

and it is so very stressful. It will be so nice if you and your husband can get to

go camping. I've always thought that getting close to nature is so restful for the

heart & soul. Glad to hear that all the genetic tests came back negative.

Wishing justice for your dear son.

 

Dee-----So glad that Jonathan is home and recuperating from his back surgery.

Bad backs are so debilitating.  Sending lots of prayers that Jon will heal and

gain strength.  Peace to you. Also, thanks for the Nora Jones song along with

her sister.  Great music.

 

Tinay---I, so, know the haunting feeling when our children die alone, as your

daughter did. My son, Dave, also passed away in surgery with no one, but the

hospital staff there.  It haunts me still.  But, I feel that he was not alone.....just

that we, his family were not there....a higher power was with him. that is my belief.

Please take care of yourself, even when you may not feel up to the task.  I understand

that many times it is just too much effort for the grieving heart.  Sending prayers.

 

Lesley----Thanks for your kind words. I agree with you.....our dear children are with

us always....no matter where we are....but with us in our hearts & souls forevermore.  Thanks for

those words.

   

PEACE   AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL.

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry

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Tommy's mum

THIS is grief. There are 2/3 of hidden depths that can't be seen by others because it's out of sight under the surface.

 

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tobyfreefoot

 I find my teeth are gritted, my eyes are watery, I'm having anxiety that feels like my soul is bursting through my skin, my heart is pounding and it is hard to breath. Six years down the road, a lot of drugs and therapy I am dealing with the coming angelversary better this year.

I am going to see the angel lady shortly. Put on my old jeans, a shirt from his dad's bike shop and my old perfume along with my locket in hopes he will recognize me.

I will be back to talk later next week when I am alone. I saw a beautiful picture of a little boy , Julian I think? So precious I am so sorry.

Tomorrow is the actual day. Going to the annual 3rd of July party then the annual picnic at the cemetery on the 4th. Dropped some prize money by a new tournament also started in his honor called super smash wars. None of the boys knew forest but were so struck by his legacy they wanted to start an all smash tournament in his name.

Gotta run many miles to go see the angel lady. I love you all wish me luck

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Mermaid Tears

good luck Gretchen...we are with you. Many on this site will be thinking of you. July 4th...what memories...of parades and gatherings...Port 'A'...John David was always with me..and family on that day. I have so many memories...and then having the 'foggy thinking' for 3 years...I have had to sort out what year we were doing what and where.

this was taken July 4th..2011 Port Aransas, Texas...I miss my boy.

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My girl is in heaven

 

Susan. Such a lovely picture. So that is you , John David in the back and your grandson?  I know you miss him.  If we only all knew what was waiting ahead for us.  If we could only go back and change things.  That photo is one to cherish.  Take care and hugs.

Gretchen.  I have only been here a  little over three months so I dont really know of your story.  But I see your precious Forest died a few weeks after my Kira in 2011. So you and I have been on this grief journey about the same length of time.  I too have had a lot of drugs and therapy and also found I handled the Angel date a little better this year. And that is because of all the support I have had from all you parents.  Good luck with the Angel lady, can't wait to hear.  What is super smash wars. Was Forest into video gaming or is that something else.  I have a son who is really into video gaming.  I would love to hear more about your precious son. Stand strong tomorrow and feel us there with you.  You and I have just got thru the most difficult 6 years of our lifes but somehow are still standing.  Will be thinking of you tomorrow . 

Lesley What an amazing picture and oh so true.  The non-bereaved have no idea what lurks beneath the surface for us do they?

Georgina.  .hope Charlotte is getting stronger everyday.  I am so sorry you had to hear from the air ambulance people.   I don't know what happened to James but I'm sure no parent should have to hear those kind of details.  Bless you for having had to deal with that and the scare you have had with Charlotte.  It doesn't seem fair that some of us have so many burdens to bear.  Stay strong. 

Jennifer. Julian was such a cute little guy.  I am so sad that yet another parent has had to join us.  But we are all on this journey together.  You never have to feel alone. 

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Gretchen,

My heart is with you today and hope that you find your peace today.  Your anxiety is an anxiety I know all too well, and I am so sympathetic.  May you have an easy and light journey today and that you find what you are looking for to help ease your soul a little bit.  Many many hugs and all the light I can give to you and to Forest on this day. He was a beautiful boy whom I know brought you much joy and light. Godspeed my dear.

Susan,

What a lovely picture of you and your family.  It must have been a wonderful day, and it's always good to keep those memories close to your heart on days that remind you so much of John David.

Sherry,

Thank you for the lovely words, it is very stressful lately with the delays and the courts. I'm just so exhausted all the time, and I know it's not helping that my health isn't good right now either. I feel like some days I have internalized all the pain and that is why it sits in my womb and pains me so. Today I also sent my youngest son to the airport with his father to fly to Canada to spend a month with all of our relatives, which we do every year but this year I am especially anxious and sad. I gave him a big strong hug and told him I'd love him and I'd miss him before they left, hiding the twisting in my gut and the tears. I try so hard not to make my grief, his grief.  To let him grieve in his own way and to live life without the fears and anxieties I have for him.  Some days it's really hard.

Today is going to be a very long day indeed. I ask that all of you keep my Matthew in mind as he travels over the earth to be delivered safely to his grandparents in Calgary. He has many friends and family waiting there for him and that it gives him the space and freedom to remember how to be a child in a world that has made him grow up a bit too fast.

~Margo

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My girl is in heaven

Devianz. You have a lot of difficult days coming up.  I wish you much strength my friend. Your son will be fine. Remember I'm in Ontario and Kate is in Manitoba.  We will be his Canadian moms looking out for him.  

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Jeff's Mom

Margo, I agree with Lou Ann. We do understand all too well the difficulties that lie ahead. I'm sure this trip away for your son will be a much needed break where he will be surrounded by his loving family. Our older son had just returned from living in Ireland when Jeff died. They moved to Calgary and as he is away from the memories of his home town he has never really come to terms with Jeff's death I feel. He has such a busy and active life with two young children that keep him on his toes. He has never actually "wanted" to come back home to visit since...although he has... but for very brief times. His way of avoiding what happened.

Susan, I love that picture. Everyone appears to be having such a great time. Aren't we lucky to have such wonderful memories. They sure can help to keep us together at our low points.

Gretchen...we have your back! Good luck tomorrow. I know it is a bittersweet day for you. Sending "HUGS" and warm wishes.

Dee, how goes the recovery for Jon? I hope he is feeling a bit better with each day. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that his pain is starting to settle down a bit.

Lesley, I thought of your picture last evening as we attended a barbecue with some friends. There were a few people that we had not met and who did not know the story about Jeff. The conversation turned to our health care and the changes that are occurring. For some reason someone mentioned suicide. My heart stopped for a brief moment. I was sitting in a part of the room that would have caused attention had I stood up and left. I said to myself that I had two options. Leave or listen. I sat quietly and listened to what they had to say. I realized that they did not have one iota of what they were talking about. It was quite sad actually. As I was having a good time until that point I decided to keep my mouth shut and not put them straight. Not because I did not have the nerve... but because I did not have the energy to explain... and they were not going to get it under any circumstances anyway. It was obvious by their comments how ignorant they were on the subject. I also believe that not all people who decide to take their lives are insane or out of it. Some are very lucid actually and have made a choice for whatever reason. Those reasons are often only known to them...as in the case of a woman I knew of who was given a very bad diagnosis and the future only looked to be filled with much severe agony. It was her choice to end her life at the point where she was going to be a huge burden to her family.  It is not my place to criticize her. And the general populace really needs to step up to the plate as far as trying to understand the severity of severe depression. It is a valid physical illness very much like any other illness. The idea that it is a sign of weakness has got to stop. That is just plain stupidity as far as I am concerned. People need to feel free to be able to step up and openly admit their depression without fear of stigmatization. There is help out there and we need to see that they are given relief the same as any other person in need of support. 

Thinking of everyone as your July 4th. approaches. Peace to All.

Kate

 

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Jeff's Mom

On a slightly lighter note I thought I'd share some trivia facts about Canada as this is our special anniversary.

Roughly 30% of Canada's land mass is occupied by forest.

Canada has more lakes than the rest of the world combined.

Canada is home to caribou, wolverine and polar bears. Of the world's approximately 25,000 polar bears 60% live in Canada.

Basketball fans can thank Canadian James Naismith for inventing the game in 1891. 

Popular children's book Winnie The Pooh was based on a real life bear that was owned by a Vet who came from Winnipeg and served in the war.

 

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Thanks all for the thoughts, Matthew arrived safe and sound. Now I have to get through the next month without losing my marbles! :)

 

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My girl is in heaven

Kate. You are so right , depression is like any other valid illness.  If my husband and I had of been suffering from any other illness other then severe depression, we would not have lost our jobs. We would have been given time off to get treatment.  The world has a long way to go in understanding mental illness.  Yeah for the Canada facts.  I have always wanted to go to Churchill and see the polar bears.  Have you ever gone? 

I was at a store in a mall today returning a shirt for my son. Since Kira died I don't go to malls anymore as the memories  are just too painful.  I also don't listen to music since Kira died. But I have no control over that in stores. So as the fella is processing my return a song came on from 6 years ago. I started to panic but the guy seemed to be taking so long. It was like time machine picked me up and there I was back to 2011. I used to do a lot of running back then. I pictured myself running that country block.  Picking Kira up that night before. That last picture of her holding the cat and then the tub scene. It was just all flashing back. The clerk was so slow and with every word of that song I just got more lost in my thoughts.  That was the first time I have heard that song since Kira was here.  Why is grief so cruel. It is like a bully who just has to poke you with a stick once in awhile just to make sure your are still suffering.  Don't worry God I wasn't starting to get happy again or anything was just helping Evan out by returning something to a store.  

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My girl is in heaven

Gretchen my dear.  I hope your were able find a bit of peace through all the agony today.  Today's almost over and you have made it thru again.  Take care  

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Gretchen, sending gentle thoughts today. These Angel days are tough to get through...hugs.

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