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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Tommy's mum

louann your beautiful daughter looks so like you. Thinking of you esp today which is a hard hard day to get through and brings back many memories. Stay strong and continue to make progress with your life that is the best gift you can give your children. Hugs

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My girl is in heaven

Thank you all so very very much for your kind words and allowing me to share pictures of my baby girl.  The one with her holding her cat was taken 3 days before she died. I have looked at it a million times.  She did not look weak, pale, scrawny, in pain.  Nothing but a strong, happy, healthy girl enjoying her kitty.  I have always been way way over protective of my kids.  I thought I had everything covered that could possibly happen to them.  But my God never in zillion years did I ever think my child would collapse and die in the shower.  And that thud was probably the only one I never panicked over.  

For six years I have been searching , struggling, looking for something, suffering with this awful grief.  And then in April some how I stumbled upon this site.  For the first time I have people who understand, who are walking the same journey as me.  Who I know won't let me down.  People who are holding my hands and standing beside me even through thier own sorrow and pain. Your love and support means the world to me.  Somebody posted awhile back they had to leave this site in order to carry on in this grief journey but for me it has been the exact opposite, I had to find you guys to hang on. I dont think of suicide anymore. The first four months of this year i was in the bottom of the darkest hole. I only hope in return I help somebody else once in awhile.  I went to the cemetery today with my purple flowers. The red carnations are in memory of Colleens Brian who shares the same Angel date as my Kira.  Love and hugs to you all.  My heroes.  

  

  

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My dear friends.

Today marks 9 years since Brian became an angel.  Nine years since we heard his laugh or saw his smile.

Lou Ann is six years today for her dear Kira.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever 

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Colleen, I knew this morning that this was your Son, Brian's date as well as Lou anne's Daughter. I was going to write and the phone rang...obligations were fulfilled and now I am back at my computer before bed realizing that I never wrote to you and to Brian...

On this 9th year, so hard to believe that it is more than 9 days, or less than 90 years...the trick of grief is it robs us of what time used to mean before we lost a Child. All I know Colleen, is you came here raw and aching and wondered if anyone here could understand...And we did, and we do still. You worked very hard to keep your family going in the face of so much grief...You make Brian smile each day with the effort you have produced in order to honor him as you live your lives anew. May you feel Brian today in such a way that you KNOW..

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Colleen and Lou Ann my heart aches and tears flow for you. 

As I pray for you guys I can't help but think about time in my journey. I still start to get antsy around 7:30 on Monday nights. This used to last until Wednesday mornings. The last couple of Wednesday mornings haven't been as hard. I've been able to work. This week seems to be harder with your angelversaries and the 21st being this Wednesday for me. I wish I could just have been in bed from tonight at 7:30 to Thursday sometime. 

I did get the money I need to to the lawyers office for the court transcripts today. Hopefully I hear good news soon and they take the case. 

My niece just invited me to her gown fitting at the end of July. I have mixed emotions about it as she pulled away from me at the time I was to go help pick that dress out and posted all over Facebook how she went with friends and had a great weekend with them instead. I guess I'll just wait and see. Not going to respond to her just yet when my emotions are high and raw. 

I had to kinda force my kid's dad to see Grayson yesterday. He told my son he was going to go to bed at 3:30 in the afternoon. I just sent him a text "so you are going to ditch Grayson on father's day?". He asked me if he wanted to do something. Really, ask your son. He did come over for a couple hours and played on computer with him. My son had his wisdom teeth pulled so he didn't want to go anywhere. That was a high anxiety time for me too. The pain meds made me worry. Did he take too much. Is he breathing. He pulled through. I am thankful for that. 

I too have thoughts of suicide. They aren't hard core thoughts. I pull myself out if it knowing I can't leave my son. I don't want to put my parents through losing a child. And I fear I won't be with my daughter in the end.

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Tommy's mum

Colleen thinking of you today, another year without your beloved son. Time is deceptive sometimes it drags other times it flies by. I hope you had a peaceful day.

Louann so glad you can see for yourself that some healing has taken place and you are on more stable ground. Kira's grave looks lovely and I hope you feel some peace when you go and visit her. She is so proud of you finally reaching out for support and sharing her story to help others on this lonely path we tread.

Tinay glad to see you posting and that you got the money for a lawyer. I really hope you get some justice and answers, the waiting must be hard to bear. Suicidal thoughts are very common among bereaved parents because in the depths of grief we can only see our deepest loss, missing them overshadows everything else even our other children and family. grief steals your breath your peace and turns your emotions and life upside down and back to front, and it is not until we are on a firmer footing that sanity prevails and we see who is still with us and that they are important too. healing takes a long time and the journey is full of mountainous climbs and hollows in the road that we fall into but each time as warriors we find the will to get up and carry on. Ultimately the burden of grief becomes less but it takes a long time to happen. You will be reunited with your daughter one day far in the future and she will be waiting for you with open arms, we never pass on alone.

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Colleen, how did you do yesterday? How did the rest of the Family do? I am thinking of you as you travel the holy ground between Brian's special dates.

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Mermaid Tears

Colleen...I wanted to send you a message....my business phone has been ringing off the wall....have people, people people coming and going...and my precious Pibby is now 14...and she and her friends gather at my house...they jump in the pool and play...then go to the guest bedroom and 'binge watch Netflix'....and I have to have a supply of their favorites...salsa and chips.....my bedroom now smells like a Frito....

When I joined this site....you were there for me....I and many feel as if we have been on the Brian journey with you....the ups and downs...good and bad days...sad and sadder days....I think you have accomplished the most important challenge in that you and your family is intact...facing your grief together. Holding on to each other.

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Dee,

Thanks for asking.  My family has learned to find happiness again.  This happiness is a bit different than when my Brian was alive.  

It is important to me that my family live again.  We find happiness in nature and positive friends.

We are living because Brian lived.

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever 

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Right On Colleen, it is the motivation for our lives...to live because they lived. Brian Brian Brian...his name will always bring music to your heart.

Oh today, the solstice...I rode my bike to a labyrinth...one was installed at a local Catholic University, just a mile or so away. I walked the labyrinth with all the hopes I have, palms facing the sky, open heart to all of my fears and anxieties, and felt cleansed by the experience. I then took a nice bike ride feeling the path to my center and the path to living more peacefully, deep in my spirit. Years ago, Colleen and Trudi, and Carol, and Marcia, and Bonnie, and Me,( Indigos),  met in Minneapolis for a gathering of broken hearted parents who desired a face to face weekend. We drove in Colleen's big ride, to a little spiritual shop, you know, crystals and lovely chimes and rocks and items, known also for their labyrinth. We went out back to the labyrinth, none of us having had the experience. I laughed because it was so tiny, but showed me what I didn't know, itl took us on a quiet journey to the center of our spirits. It was lovely, as was the trip. Thought of you Colleen, while winding my way through today's labyrinth. May you feel the sun upon your spirit.

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Hello to all INDIGOS.   I've been on vacation, so just now 

getting caught up reading the posts while away. I'm sorry if I have

missed any other Angel Days.  thinking always of everyone in 

the BI Family.

 

LouAnn-----May Kira's lovely smile shine down on you and fill your 

heart with the warmth of your closeness and love.....the love that

will be with you both always.    Kira.......sweet girl......send down a moonbeam

of love to your mama and family.

 

Colleen-----I'm sorry I missed dear Brian's Angel Day.  Yes,....the years pass by,

but the love stays with us.   Brian-------Smile down with radiance on your mam and family.

 

Darcy12-----The one year milestone is always very heart-wrenching.  The enormity of

losing a beloved child has been settling in, and the despair is deep.  Thoughts & prayers.

 

Susan------thanks for the lovely pics with your dad that you posted, also for all the

poems.  Your dad must have been a wonderful man.....he looks so kind.  Peace to you.

 

Becky...Dianne---Dee....... Leslie.....LouAnn......., Laurie......Thanks to each & every one for the

messages on David's Angel Day.....June 14.( I hope I'm not forgetting anyone).  It is so much appreciated,

as no one in my family remembers that date after all these years.  Peace & Blessings to all. 

 

Davey&Lisasmom, Sherry

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So glad that you are back from a good trip. We missed you Sherry. Your words here are a reminder to those new, that you know exactly what it is they are going through. 

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Hello to all...stopped by to peek in and say hello.  Saw your lovely post Dee, regarding your solstice ride...how beautiful and soul stirring. And I smiled all the way to my heart at the memories of our time in Minnesota and my very first experience in a labyrinth.  I shall carry all of those memories with me forever.  I think of you all here, often...and continue to carry you in my heart, as always.  It's been so long since I've posted...I found it difficult to post after my hubby passed...the missing of him consumed me, day and night.  And, having shared, on a daily basis, our grief over losing Mike, it was almost as if I lost Mike all over again.  Time, as we know, has eased the terrible pain of loss, though our grief does tend to ride shotgun with us, no matter the days, months or years, and we all know that a trigger can be around the next bend.  However, over time, we do learn that there can be triggers for good memories, as well....and these provide our oxygen to continue our lives, to honor our loved ones gone from this earth, and to create new memories with those we are blessed to still have with us.  This site, you all, helped me so much to learn all of that and those lessons learned through sharing, help us move through our grief to find a new normal for each day we are blessed with.  I know many have been through many changes since I last visited...my own most significant one being an accident I had in spring of last year where consequences saw me very close to leaving this earth, though eventually blessed to have my ticket punched as a "round trip" and spent the next four months rehabbing.  Fortunately,  daughter Kim was able to come and stay with me for two months until I was up and about again enough to be on my own and travel back and forth to rehab myself.  I found it enlightening to look back and see how hard I fought to "stay" here, whereas times in the past, following our son's passing, and then 6 years later, my sweetie's passing, I would likely not have fought so hard.  I know I've much to live for, with my two daughters and seven grands, as well as living the honor of standing where our two Mikes can no longer, and this brings me to my feet each morning with a prayer of thanks on my lips.  

I found much Love and understanding here when we first lost our son, Mike.  I am forever grateful for finding this site at such a terrible time in my life....Dee, Sherry, and all here at the time, and others who've come since; we all give life to each other through the sharing of our stories and our journeys, and our hearts.  Love to all...

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Carol, how lovely to hear from you. I am so glad that you have made a good recovery from your accident. It sounds as if it was a close call indeed. I remember what a trooper your Mike was. He always found a way to see the brighter side to things. I'm sure he is now in a wonderful place alongside your sweet boy. Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. We think of you often.

I have not posted for some time. Many things to do and keeping me busy. I, too, have found myself moving forward and taking each day with all of the challenges that it presents. I think of everyone often and know that I am sending love as face each and every special occasion.

I am not sure if this a case of happenstance or a sign but I have a little happening that I wanted to share. On Saturday my husband and I were in the city and had the opportunity to pass the cathedral  in St. Boniface where they held the funeral for my friend that died at the age of twelve many years ago. As there is a wonderful french bakery down the street we decided to stop on our way to the bakery and look for the grave site of my friend. We took ages as I had not visited since her death and my memory was not is not as it once was. I found that she had been moved to a larger family area that held a huge upright stone. The names of all of her family that had passed were written on the stone along with that of one of her sisters. On Sunday we decided to go outside and decorate our property for the upcoming Canada 150 celebration. As were working towards the front of our yard a man and a woman walked along the road past us. He appeared to hesitate as I glanced at them. He then stopped and walked back. He asked me if I remembered him. Well, I did not as many years have passed. It turned out that he was the son of the sister that had died and was buried alongside my friend. This was the first time he had ever walked past our place. What a shock. Even my husband who is often skeptical had to shake his head. I guess they did know that we had gone to visit and were showing us that they were aware. How lovely.

Sending warm and loving wishes to all of you for peace restored once again in your lives. Love to All, Kate

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Wow Carol, to see you here today makes my heart bubble up and laugh outloud...and cry too, not knowing about your accident until now. I am so sorry that you were badly injured and grateful that you have healed and are walking among us still. Those Girls and Grands must be extremely grateful as well. How like you to find ways each day to honor those two Mikes. Are you finding coins and hearts still? Tell us how the Kids are...are you in communication with Trudi? Ahhh, I take our trip with me too, it was a life changing event, it allowed us all a space in our hearts...

Kate, love the experience you shared here. WOW! Seems like you were all positioned in order to meet as you did. Such a lovely way to be touched by the Angels. I am glad to hear you are doing okay as it has been a while.

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Dee and Kate, it was good to sign in and to hear back from you both.  Like bumping in to old friends...  I must say that I do think of you all, often.  I still have my picture from Minnesota here on my desk, on the shelf right over my computer screen, but also think of those who came on to this site after our trip. The sharing and support found on this site has helped many of us, and it is such a gift to those of us walking this journey.  The hope that shines through the posts of those of us further along in our journey guides those who are just, sadly, beginning the trip.  I think it was you, Dee, who once said "We are leaving footprints for those behind us to follow."  Such a beautiful sentiment, and comforting.  Dee, you asked if I still find hearts and coins...oh, yes, often.  Of course, with both Mikes palling around up there together, I think they think up things and feed off each other for ideas!  LOL  This past Sunday, Cathi, Kameron (Mike's middle son, who is TWENTY next month!) and I had taken flowers to the cemetery for Father's day, and then had lunch together.  Going our separate ways after lunch, I drove to the pharmacy to pick a prescription.  The drive-up window was closed, so I had to go inside.  When I came out, there was a bright red, punch buggy, convertible, sitting right by the door.  As I got into my car,  With a smile in my heart, I called over my shoulder, "Nice, guys, thanks for the hello."  As I drove away, I noticed the plate said "TC."  Jokingly, I said aloud, "geez, a couple of M's would have been nice!"  I had to stop at the traffic light next to the pharmacy right after I left the parking lot.  Two guys had just pressed the walk light and walked in front of my car.  They were both wearing grey t-shirts, and the one closest to my car turned towards me as he passed my car.  Written on his shirt?  M & M's.  I could almost hear our two Mikes chuckling as they watched!  

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Carol, I think of you every time I see a punch buggy. Not too many around these days. The kids loved to play that game when they were young. What a treat to have so many surprises from the "boys" on Father's Day.  I have always been deeply moved by my friends death at such a young age. it simply defied all reason to a young person. Her sister lived to grow up and marry and have a family. Sadly, she died in her forties and is buried along with her other family members.

Dee, I hope hubby is making a good improvement. How is his gardening coming along? We have yet to experience any real heat. Tomatoes are still growing, but should really take off with some serious heat. Things are getting busy with the upcoming 150th celebrations for Canada Day coming up. Parties and events galore.

Wishing everyone a peaceful evening.

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A friend let me know she got her decals we had made up for a memorial for my daughter.  She asked if I was doing ok.  I told her I didn't really know how I was doing.  I honestly do not.  I have been on brink of tears since Monday.  I still cannot believe she is actually gone.  I look at her pictures and think about her funeral.  This makes me relive it again.  I know I need to and feel it but I don't really want to.  Sometimes, I like living in denial.  It hurts so much less.  I had kept myself busy, other then work, by going through her things and trying to stay connected.  It was preoccupation.  kept my mind off what and why I was really doing it.  I cannot imagine spending probably 40+ years on earth without her here.  I think the only way I am going to get through this is to stay in denial.  I know that is not healthy either.  I cannot afford to stay home and not work and really go through this.  I hear the 2nd year can be worse.  I feel like I need an extended vacation.  I probably did come back to work too soon but again, I had no choice.  I still haven't taken all the pictures out of my cubicle at work.  And now, I've added my decals.  I probably should take all that home.  Try again later when I think I can look at all of it and not burst into tears. 

Getting up each morning is a struggle.  I am sure everyone has gone through this but I'm just putting words and thoughts out there.  Working through it that way.  Thank you everyone for your support and understanding

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Hello, I am a little behind in my reading but plan to catch up! 

First, I wanted to recognize two of our Indigo Angels as I missed their date.

In silence of my heart, I think of you both today. 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Tina, it is so very hard taking those first steps. It takes a long time to get one's footing in this, and there will still be times that one may need to retreat and rest. I send you gentle thoughts...

Carol, it was good to read your post today...I remember you were still on here when I first came. It was lovely to read of the signs you receive from the 2 Mike's. How timely you would come here and read about Dee's comments about the Labyrinth...I also stop and think about those type of connections now. Myself, I love Labyrinth's and would love to walk one.

Kate, good to see your posting...I am glad that the younger man was able to make a contact with you and Ross...I am sure it must have encouraged his heart too.

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Also, I would like to share a bit here...the last time I went to my mom's in May, it was to encourage her since it is the month of my sisters passing...also my dad was a bit ill and I had to check on him.

Now, when I stopped at a gas station near Madison, I was feeling very blue and out of sorts...when I walked in I noticed immediately that this place had spiritual things for sale. Like angels, infinity loops, etc...I went to the restroom and heard over the speakers a song by the Beatles which was totally out of place...for one, not many radio stations play their songs, and this was the only song like it in the station's genre as I listened for awhile...It immediately reminded me of my sister, Julie as she loved their songs.

Then I am standing in line to pay for my items, and to the right of me is a card rack...I am looking straight at a dragonfly card...I knew something was up...when I talked to my younger sister later she told me that the last movie her, my mom and my sister Julie watched was named "Dragonfly". It was a very spiritual movie, if you look it up you will find out why.

Then on my way back home from my mom's, I decided I would try to figure out which gas station I stopped at so I could buy the card. Again, I walk through the door and a Beatles song comes on overhead! I thought, what is going on here.?!? I did buy the card.  The inside of the card says, "You're Proof". 

Now this Wednesday, I had my first colonoscopy. Went into the gift shop there at the hospital...what do I see, a dragonfly necklace! (Which I did buy too). I am going to send the card and the necklace to my mom. 

 

 

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Tinay, Laurie's words are from her heart...you will need to be gentle with yourself. Yes, going back to work is a reality for many of us, we just can't afford to not work, bills to pay, other kids to look after, and working does not mean you put off grieving...you will find a time and place where it is best to let it all loose, but you are still new at this, those things come with time. Yes, pretending she is not gone is much more acceptable than your Daughter really being gone...we all have done that too,  it is not unusual in this new life. Sometimes, it just allows us to get through that particular half hour or that day...there is no handbook as to it all, it is sadly, something we have to wear each day and as we wear our grief, we learn about it, we learn about us, and eventually, we learn to allow our grief and also how to knit it into our hearts and carrying it with us everywhere we go. It is not anything to hide in my opinion, and yes, some will be put off by our grief, but in the long run, that is okay too. Yes, at work we have to find outlets for our grief, but you will. If your Boss can allow it, depending on the job you do...can you take three or so 15 minute breaks in the day to get out of the office and be able to get outside or in a room with privacy in which to grieve? As far as year 2 beiing harder? Some say so, I think for me however, that year 1 was the most difficult time, finding ways to cope and live and try to honor Erica's life each day...with such a heavy heart. Year 2 for many is harder because all of the shock is gone and pretending is harder...in my opinion, nothing is harder than those first months.

Carol, punch buggies! Yes, seeing that car was certainly a sign for you and I love and can almost hear you scold the Mikes for not having M's on the license plate and then seeing the two men with M's on the shirt. Hilarious. those mischievous boys. I remember too when you first came to the site, the raw pain that we come with...you came with as well. I remember your baseball stories and the man who looked so like your Mike when you went to the game after Mike died...Holy Cow. You do get the very coolest signs my Dear. Yes, we left foot falls for you, and you in turn left them for the next person who came to our site, and so on, we are a giant lifeline of sorts. And for me, it gave my life shape and purpose again. It was one of the ways to honor Erica and shine her light.

Kate, has your family come to your area for a reunion? Is that in the works?

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Laurie, you posted while I was writing...Wow! What a beautiful affirmation of your Sweet Angels showing you the way. I love the card you found, the magical message and the beauty in it. Dragonflies are considered Heaven's messengers. I love that you bought these for your Mom. What a sweet gift from a Daughter and a Mom who understands the loss that your Mom travels. I hope that the colonoscopy results are good.

Kate, forgot to answer about Husband...stress test tomorrow, fingers crossed for good results. I will keep you posted.

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Tommy's mum

Tinay that thought of not seeing your daughter again for years is something I know only too well. That thought brings me to my knees and drowning in grief every time, so I try to look at it more positively and think I know I will see my Tommy again just not right now. It helps a little. Now you are back at work is it possible to get some sick time? Any doctor would recognize you are struggling and know you need some more time. It must be so hard to know you are forced to work because of finances but also know you are hanging on by your fingernails to your sanity. As for the second year being harder I guess it is different for everyone. For me I had a mental breakdown so I was out of it for months and months and dont remember how I got through each day. As the shock wears off it becomes more real and that is very painful to face. The "firsts" are all painful too but each occasion is always overshadowed by the knowledge that your child is gone. However I know our children walk beside us every day and they are never forgotten. Love is the strongest emotion and the bond between parent and child is unbreakable by time or distance. That is why allowing your grief to be acknowledged is so important, otherwise it resurfaces months or years later and causes a breakdown again. Please do voice your thoughts and feelings here, this is a safe place to vent and get support.

The signs from loved ones are very encouraging. It soothes an aching sorrowful heart to get them and have a positive reinforcement that they are still with us. Part of the grieving process is having to adapt to a world without that precious child so having a sign is only too welcomed. I know how we all ache to have a sign and they are all too infrequent. I have planted orange flowers in my garden to remind me of my red headed son Tommy which brings a sad smile to my face his hair was so fiery. I still post on his Facebook too.

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Laurie, wow...I love the signs you get! How reassuring and comforting. Hope the colonoscopy went well. I will once again urge all to consider having the procedure done. My own husband put off having his at the urging of his Dr. When he finally did go it was not the result we had hoped for. There are no signs to colon cancer at the beginning. He felt fine to be honest. Unfortunately, it is a genetic illness the he got from his Mom. The end result was surgery, chemo, and years of tests and illness. No fun! Our older son also had a colonoscopy at the insistence of the oncologist and a large polyp was found and removed. He is only in his thirties and had no issues at all. The Dr. felt it was a definite to turn into cancer down the road. So, a colonoscopy is in his future every three years.  A life saving procedure to be sure!!!

Dee, keep us posted as to the stress test. Keeping my fingers crossed for a good day. We are just keeping afoot one day at a time. We go for our walks when we can along the trails in the woods. The woods are infused with spirit somewhat like entering a sacred realm. The sunlight filters through the tall trees reaching up towards the sky. Green life sprouts everywhere be it ferns, mosses, or new little trees. The last hike displayed wild daisies, orchids, and wild irises. There are always birds and deer along with foxes, etc. It somehow nurtures a weary soul. Just sitting on Jeff's bench and reflecting while watching the waves hitting the shore is a quiet spiritual happening. 

Tommy's Mom..I have started to watch a program called Escape to the Country. Take place in Britain. I just love the program.  

Sending warm wishes to all for a day  filled with peace and loving memories. If you have a moment please google the story about Gobi the little dog that  turned up out of nowhere and taught a marathon runner how to reach out and feel love in his heart. He had been horribly abused and neglected by his Mom as a child. It is truly a heart warming and amazing story. Who says miracles don't exist? Happenstance? I think not. 

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No immediate news from stress test, which is good.

Rained hard here this morning at dawn...now it is getting cooler out after a very humid day yesterday...I welcome the low 80's and 70's.

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Mermaid Tears

Carol...good to hear from you....you were here when I joined this site...I remember the 'hearts'...your journey.

Laurie...thanks for sharing....we need all the sign stories from everyone....it gives me such joy...such hope...I think as the 'shock suit' doesn't fit as tight and as we slowly start to see a bright little star....some sunshine...we open up a little more...slow...so slow....but then we become more aware of the signs that come to us.

Kate....your walks sound so very peaceful...I wish I could be with you and hear the lapping of the water on the lake...

Tinay....many are in the same place as you are....they do not have much wiggle room when it comes to taking off of work. Many on this site will tell you the same...they had no choice in when they had to return to work. I look at it in that you are providing a roof over your head..food on the table...transportation...utilities...the 'gears' that make a life and a living. Also...if you have other children...you are setting an amazing example of how to face tragedy without folding up and giving up all responsibility. You do have your days off...and that is when you can rest and give yourself some extra care. Don't try and look too far ahead....or reach back too far for now. Just take this grief journey one day at a time...take lots of deep breaths...and take some time to be outside. I read every book I could find by Kathryn Kubler Ross....I so needed to read her words.

Dee....thinking of you and husband....fingers crossed that results will be positive.

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Mermaid Tears

Father's Day.....and our new little man....I think he is certainly a Merman...

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InHeavensKeeping

 

 

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I sure hope that Georgina is okay, that her Daughter has gotten healthy again. Georgina, we are all sending out prayers and hope to you and Charlotte..

 

Hi Dee Laurie and others that have sent prayers and good wishes So sorry I haven't replied just been suffering with stress exhaustion feeling so scared and and my anxiety is mountain high.  

Charlotte is on the road to recovery she's home now shuffling around very tired no energy the doctor have signed her off for six weeks she hasn't got to do more than rest but I am worried about her as I've never seen like this.  Thank you for your support, good wishesand prayers  it felt reassuring to have you all on board  

Although I haven't been to post I pray an ad think of you often wondering how everyone is coping  I still go to the grave everyday and if the church is open pop in and light a candle for all our angels.

 I have missed some special dates and I'm Sad about this the song I have posted is in memory of the Rendall tower fire and their community but I would like to borrow it for  for all our special angels that have gone and our community I hope this is ok. 

I was told by a family member to be greatful for what I have and to move on! I couldn't believe what she said I was hurt again beyond belief.  I can't be different to what I am I have lost two sons no my heart has been broken into a million pieces and will never be the same again.  

I thank you all God Bless GEORGINA xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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My girl is in heaven

Dee, your bike ride sounds so peaceful and relaxing. The last time I rode a bike was when you had to peddle backwards to stop.  Guess I'm showing my age there.  Hope your husband is coming along well on his road to recovery.  

Kate, I was wondering where you have been.  Glad to hear you are enjoying the beautiful lake and surroundings. That is very strange that man showing up. So out of the blue unexpected. I am telling my husband we should vacation in Manitoba. I have never been and I think my husband has been thru once. I did not realize lake Winnipeg was so big until my husband was telling me. I hope your husband is doing well. I still haven't recovered from Ottawa getting put out. Lol oh well only 3 more months before start up again. Take care

Sherry.  Thanks for your beautiful post about Kira. You are probably like me and glad to see the end of June. Hope you had a nice vacation. Sorry that your family doesnt remember David's Angel date. But all of us will always remember and wrap our arms around you on June 14ths.  This is the first year I had all of your support and it has meant so much to me. Take care

Colleen thank you for sharing Brian's Angel date with me and Kira. I hope our angels have met in heaven and are friends.  You have really made me think about making life happy for my two other children. I know you are right it just feels that you shouldn't be happy when one of your kids is missing . But I will try.  Thanks for your help. Hugs

Lesley.  Thanks for reminding us that we do not pass alone.  I know Kira will have her hand out for me when my time comes.  Kira was an excellent ballerina as she had long arms and legs and what she used to call her "freakishly long fingers".  I would recognize her hands out of a million and can't wait to hold them again some day.  Just as your precious Tommy will be there with his hands out for you. Hugs.  Do you get nice weather in the summer in England or is it rainy all year? Hope you are enjoying your garden. 

Tinay. I'm always praying for you. I know you are struggling and like I said you can contact me any time thru any way.  I will always be here for you. I know the heartache of losing a precious beautiful girl and how unbearable it can be.  Hang in there.

Mike's mom. I am fairly new here. I don't know your story, but am so sorry for the loss of your husband and son. This site has been a life saver for me.  I hope you keep posting and I can get to know you.  

 

  

 

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Georgina, my goodness it makes my heart happy to know that Charlotte is home with you. What the heck happened to her? I just am so grateful that she is going to get well, and that the strength will return...and I am sure it will take time. I will continue to pray for you and Charlotte...that along with her becoming healthy again, that you find your stride too...that you find strength after being so hit with more anxiety. I think when folks say what that woman said, they don't mean to hurt your spirit, they don't get it, but that they want you to embrace all that is good and move from there. Many folks worry about us when we push ourselves, and they feel like we don't already know what we have in our lives...they just don't understand what fuels our drive when we are searching for answers and justice. I am sometimes so worried about you too, and I do get it...so I would think those who haven't lost someone like we have,  just don't get it. Rest when you can My Dear.

Susan, that Little Vito is one Doll of a Baby. I love that heloves the water. And Taylor looks so good, happy and fulfilled. Blessings to you all.

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My girl is in heaven

Georgina  am glad to hear Charlotte is home and hopefully on the road to recovery.  You have been thru so much.  Don't forget to take care of yourself. We have all been worried about both of you. Sending love and prayers your way.

Susan. Beautiful pictures.  This is you and your grandson? And your son? How precious. And everyone looks so happy despite the grief you also carry. That's so hard to have to carry both. Thank you for sharing them. It sure shows that a little bit of sunshine can still come thru once in awhile. Take care

 

 

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Tommy's mum

Georgina soo glad your Charlotte is home now what a relief for you all. As she needs some time to recover so do you after all the fear and anxiety take care of yourself too. I love the Grenfell single that has been remixed over here. Such a sad event lessons learned for all. I find that sad events really bring me down for a few days the loss of life reminds me of my personal loss and I feel for others now in our position.

Louann we do get a lot of dreary weather here in the UK. The last few days have been freakishly hot unusually but it has now cooled down again and the rain is welcome to my thirsty garden. I really find it therapeutic being outside pottering around and enjoying the flowers that bloom. This year has been amazing for roses and I am able to pick some and bring them indoors. Nature has a way of calming me and bringing some peace.

Mermaid tears that adorable Vito is growing fast and looks so happy. There is nothing like a baby's giggle or a child's uproarous laugh to make you smile and realise there is happiness to be gained again in this world.

Jeffsmom I also watch escape to the country and idealise what I would buy and where if I had money! I agree going for walks and getting close to Nature is very uplifting and peaceful.

Laurie I saw my first dragonfly of the year and thought of you.

dee I hope the stress test results are encouraging. Surprising how grief and stress negatively affect the physical body too.

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Georgina, thank you for sharing that moving video. If only contractors would learn to put the safety of people first before money saving building procedures. I hope your daughter will make a good improvement at home with you. It takes time to recover from such an ordeal. Sending HUGS to you both. 

Susan, what a sweet little guy he is and growing like a weed. I can see what happiness he brings to your family.

Lesley, I have just started to watch that program. I love to see how they convert older buildings. I can relate to gardening and always love to surround myself with flowers. I am never happier than when I am down on the ground wearing a pair of gardening gloves. I told my husband that I would like to have my ashes spread at Kew Gardens or Butchart Gardens in Victoria. Our older son moved to Dublin  a few years back with his wife through their careers. They loved their life there and decided to make it a permanent move. However the downturn in the economy in Britain forced them to move back to Canada after three years. They now live in Calgary and love it as they are outdoor enthusiasts and spend every opportunity to head to the mountains. So, we are here alone for the most part. 

Dee, yes, there is a family gathering of sorts mid July. Today we are slowly getting things ready... as it is a rainy and chilly day. A great opportunity to work inside.

Lou Ann, we have had a cottage up here for many years. We also lived in the city. We decided to move up a few years ago and have not looked back. The rural life suits us  just fine. Fresh air and the opportunity to enjoy life on the lake. Yet the city is only an hour away.  Are you celebrating Canada Day in any special way? I see you have had a lot of rain as well. At least you have had warmer temps. My brother lives in Toronto and they have a cottage in Lake of the Woods where they spend the summers now he is retired. 

Who do you think will replace Peter Mansbridge? I'm guess either Wendy Mesley or perhaps Diana Swain. Maybe a woman for a change. He will be missed as he did such a great job. 

Tinay, it took me a full two years to even surface from my shock. Go easy on yourself. These are early days yet. Many ups and downs to face. As far as getting on with life? Well, you will eventually move forward as we all do...but in your own good time. When YOU are ready and not before. I am convinced that my son would want me to be happy and continue with my life in as positive a way as I can. It took me years to reach this point. I miss him tremendously and yet know he is having a blast up there. I am the one in pain and hurting. His journey has been completed. Hold on with both hands and never lose hope you will see your child again.

Well, must get back to the job at hand. Love to All, Kate

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Mermaid Tears

Many thanks for the kind words....Veto is my Great grandson...his Mom..my granddaughter is the one in the photo...his Dad is in the other photo...there is lots of healing in those small hands...I do believe this boy smiles more than any baby I have ever had...and he started sleeping all night at 2 months...never had a diaper rash...eats baby food (some)...and has a first tooth coming in...he only fusses if he is hungry or sleepy...we cherish and adore our children and fill them to the tip top with love...and then it spills over to the next generation.

Georgina...so happy to hear your daughter is now home...I think healing comes better in the home...hospitals are so noisy. I do believe a hospital vigil is so hard...I always feel like I have been 'beat' when I have to stand vigil for a loved one...and I wonder because all I do is sit and sit...I guess it is the anxiety. I am sure is moving slowly for she was very , very sick. I do believe you do have many blessings....with those lovely grandchildren and family. Don't let the words others say to you get you down....for they really don't understand. I hope in the days ahead you can get some rest and get a good balance....you and your daughter can recover together.

Tinay....it is much too soon on your grief journey to try and figure anything out...your heart is shattered...and just take things one day at a time.

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InHeavensKeeping

Thank you. Dee there has been an investigation about what happened apparently we will hear the findings on the 6th of July. I'm not sure if they made some sort of errors but I'm sure if they did we won't know. We'll see. Thank you though for your lovely words and support means so much to me.  

Lou Ann thank you life is so hard we keep being hit by one thing after ther other I get so scared now that something else is going to happened.

Susan they said it will be. Long slow recovery she went blue in theatre and it took them 40 minuets to get her back I can't bear to think about it I'm beyond anxious I like having her home to watch over xx

Kate thank you I too watch escape to the country I'd love to live in the country and be one with nature we don't have a garden no I miss that xx

Tommys mum your right I just feel so low after all these terror attacks and disasters life is just so cruel I can't deal with anything sad it set me back weeks  thank you x

Lorie Sherry so sorry I didn't post on your special dates it's playing on my mind feel so bad xxx hope your ok  xx

God Bless xxx

 

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Georgina, goodness knows you are in need of rest and some peaceful times. I get what you are saying about worry, I am a worrier too, was always one but when Erica died, it became much more so,..I have to remind myself on a regular basis to try to live in this day and not to worry about down the road, but there are times I just can't seem to manage that at all. I do try however and I know intellectually the benefit of living in the moments rather than worrying about the future. Thanks for posting that emotional tribute song. I am so sorry for the horror of the latest tragedies. Our hearts just ache for those whose lives have been so brutally overturned.

I love that Kate has a fellow Canadian here and I love that Georgina has a few UK neighbors as well. Kate, I am the same way, so happy when I am watering the garden or planting a new plant. The smell of the soil and the release of aroma from the plants when they are watered is such a great rush to the senses. The summer squash is ready at my school garden, the small tender ones...love those. Our flower garden out back is gorgeous, Husband works hard each year to make it a peaceful and lovely sanctuary spot.

Susan, I am sorry that I misspelled VETO to VITO. Either way, he is a sweet love of a baby.

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Taylor James, a birthday is a wondrous time, may the date that brought you always be a beautiful date for your family.

 

Laurie, I am holding your hands and heart in mine as you see Taylor's birthdate tomorrow. May you feel his sweet angel being nearby.

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Tommy's mum

Ok friends I have an issue perhaps you can help me. My sister and 4 kids are coming over for a holiday here in a couple of weeks, we haven't seen them for 3yrs. The problem is her oldest son has the same unusual bright orange hair and blue eyes combo as my son Tommy. He is now 15 and really resembles my son. I am scared I will lose it when he is around, even photos of him make my heart skip a beat. I have been making good progress recently but am worried I will fall back and perhaps ruin the reunion for everyone. I have mentioned it to my sister but she seems oblivious to my anxiety. I have my own car so know I can make my escape if it gets too much. Sounds trivial I know but certain triggers can cause a downward spiral.

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Take one day at a time. Focus on the positives. You are making great progress and try to see it as a wonderful opportunity to connect with your family after three years. Just last week we had a person at our home that so closely resembled Jeff that I found it difficult to take my eyes off of him. We are all like that. The way someone wears their clothes, walks, the colour of their hair, etc. At the beginning it sends you into a tail spin. After some time you begin to understand that this is the new way of things. There will always be triggers to pull at our heart strings. You may come to see that after a day or so that you will see your nephew as he is as an individual. We are all unique in our own way. He will probably have different mannerisms, etc. which you will come to recognize. By the time he leaves you will see him for himself. The distinctive hair colouring will then become only a family resemblance and nothing else. Have a great time with your sister and enjoy and welcome her support. How lovely that they are making this effort to visit you. 

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Lesley, I know you are anxious about the upcoming visit, but your Tommy probably loves the fact that his Cousin and he look so alike, their orange hair a connection...it may be that you feel energized by his presence...that the reminders are good for your soul...and maybe it will make you more mournful...but the saddest thing has already happened, so you can't be hurt like that again. I know when we fall backwards and lose ground it is scary, but I am here to assure you that loss ground is temporary. I promise...we usually find that there were lessons in that backward step that help us move forward soon after. This nephew knows that he looks like his cousin. it may feel odd for him too, so celebrating their likeness might be the best for all.

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My girl is in heaven

Jesse David and Taylor's mom. Thank you for the lovely candles for Kira and Brian. That was so thoughtful of you. So today would be Taylor's birthday. Another sad day on the calendar that we have to endure.  I hope you feel his presence all around you especially today. It must be some comfort that your boys are together. Much peace to you today my friend.  

Lesley. It might be a shock for a short time when you see your nephew the same hair colour and eyes. But I think you will quickly see those are the only similarities.  He will talk different, walk different and totally different mannerisms.  Tommy was very unique and there will never be anyone else like him.  No one will know this more than you his dear mother. He may even have his hair styled different than Tommys.  You may need to take a few drives and get away for a bit and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And of course all of us will be here standing with you. You have been making progress and don't want to lose that.  It is just a family resemblance of physical nature, nothing else. Keep us posted. If you need any further support I would be glad to email or phone you. Hope you can just enjoy thier visit. Hugs

Kate. Not doing anything special for Canada day. I am always just so relieved to be thru the month ofJune. I will miss Peter mansbridge too. He's been on tv for as long as I can remember. I didn't realize that him and Wendy Mosley were married at one time. I hope they don't bring back the George stramopolus? For hockey night in Canada. Glad they only had him one year. Only Don cherry and Ron McLean can fit that bill.  My son lives in Toronto and is off to northern Ontario to for some holidays. Northern Ontario is so nice, certainly not like southern Ontario, nothing nice around here to see.  Take care. 

 

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Lou Ann, I think that southern Ontario is quite lovely. We have always enjoyed our trips to The Falls and Niagara on the Lake. What a cute little town and I love the shops and restaurants and wineries. We usually stop along the way at Kurtz`s for our favourite jams to take home. Also, Shaw and the Stratford Festival are worth checking out for sure if you are into theatre.

Yes, Lake Winnipeg is a really large lake. The seventh largest in the world. Where we are situated is at the narrowest part the Southern Basin. When we stand and look out it looks as if it is an ocean. It is a shallow lake and you have to be careful as the waves can pick up quickly. There have been many a boating accident over the years. There is a huge fishing industry up here. Pickerel or Walleye is what we mostly eat or smoked goldeye which is fairly rich and not to everyones liking. 

Wendy Mesley was indeed married to Peter and I feel is a strong contender for the job. I will say that Diana is a personal favourite of mine however. She came from Vancouver originally, but spent some time in Winnipeg with CBC and married a sports newscast guy before moving to Toronto. 

Georgina, I am thinking of you today and hoping things are improving on the home front. Each day should see an improvement. Keeping fingers crossed.

Laurie, Sending love for a day filled with besutiful memories of Taylor. I hope you are feeling a tad better after last week. Take care of yourself.

Dee, sending love and positive vibes. Let me know how it goes.

Well the weather has finally turned in sunny and it appears to be clearing up and looking like a great week shaping up. Sending love to All.
Kate :)

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thank you all who sent me birthday wishes for my Taylor. He would have been thirty today. I am so thankful for this site and all the lovely wishes. Below is my mom and my sister at Taylor's site with me in May. His stone is where my sister, Valarie is on the right of the photo.

(I should mention that my colonoscopy was clear, just a precaution). Love the picture of Baby Veto and his mermaid blankie..

Kate, I can picture your beautiful lake. Water has been healing to me as well.

Georgina, continued prayers and also Dee for your hubbie. 

Lesley, your experience of the total breakdown sounds like my first two years.

 

 

 

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Tommy's mum

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Thanks for the support, friends. I really appreciate it. It is not just the colouring he really resembles Tommy in so many ways. He has ADHD like my son and is always active and on the go and impulsive. Genetics are weird that way.It always makes me nostalgic when i see little kids playing reminding me of my own children at that age which is normal when mine are all adults, but seeing my nephew will be esp difficult as I see him running around and enjoying life as he should but me having a pain in my heart because I will never see Tommy running around carefree again. It is a huge physical in your face reminder that your child has gone and will never have children of their own, still breaks my heart from time to time. Crying as I type this. I will have to speak to my nephew and tell him I love him and am happy to see him but that he resembles his cousin so much it makes me cry sometimes he is 15 old enough to kind of get it. I will get through it and of course I will see my nephew's own personality and behaviours and likes and dislikes and hopefully it will ease my sorrow over time as I get used to him.

Laurie glad the colonoscopy was clear, that must be a huge relief. Lovely photo too, the flowers are gorgeous.

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Mermaid Tears

Laurie....we had some computer trouble...in fact our whole cable went down....but....thinking of you....it doesn't matter if your child died in the womb...lived 2 hours...2 years...10 years...50 years...they are still your child. Loved the photos....and love seeing all the love is in place. Most of all...seeing you have so much support from your family that can circle you with care and compassion.

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