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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Lou Ann,

we will be there in spirit.  Also, you have all our heavenly angels there with you.

Colleen, Brian's Mom 4 ever

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tommy's mum i live in kingsbridge so only a hour away from you never thought someone on here would live so close

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Tommy's mum

Louann I will be going to my daughter's graduation in July. I will be thinking of you at your son's graduation it is a day of pride for sure. All events "after" will be tinged with some sadness but it also shows that our other children can show strength and accomplishment which in turn gives us pride and some hope for the future.

Darcy12 I think we are the only Brits on here aren't we? I believe most members are from USA or Canada but one I think is from South Africa and one from Germany. No matter how big the distance we all support each other wherever we are in the world, part of a caring supportive community I am happy to be part of. This online forum is open to everyone who has been through this tragedy. Bless you all.

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in one sence im glad we can all group together but fir the wrong reasons. tommy's mum how are you getting on with uni 

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Georgina also lives in the UK. I wonder how she is doing, how her Daughter is? Anyone hear?

TO the question about the Family who lost a second Child recently, No, I have not heard back from Lorri, and I don't expect to, but if I do, I will let you all know. She must be so overwhelmed by Kimberly's death. I have never heard how Kimberly died. Her Kourtney died from a brain tumor. Sadness.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

So sorry to hear of more violence...when does it end? 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Tommy's mom, Georgina is from the UK too...oops, see that Dee posted that above.

What I have discovered is that mothers grief for her lost child / children transcends all boundaries...that mourning is the same in the heart no matter where one is....I have been honored to have meet my international friends, even in these most horrible of circumstances.

 

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I talked to kiona's dad yesterday. I was asking him how he was doing. He said ok. I told him I wasn't. He said the pain will never go away. I had to feel it to heal. He said he thanks God every day for the 19 years he got with her and also that he would have liked more. He said he is grateful for the support and out reach from the community. I only asked to see how he was dealing because it seems he is better off then me. I said I wanted so much more and it was/is hard to believe she was done with her journey here. I also said people must have forgot she had a mom because I don't get any help. He said I have Grayson. I know I do. But he is grieving too and shouldn't have to shoulder his mom's pain. I did get a friend to drive for a bit yesterday and let me cry and get pissed. It didn't last long as she had plans with her new husband. But I was thankful for the time she did give me. It didn't really help. She kept talking too and was as pissed as me. I just wanted/needed for her to let me let totally loose and listen. But I didn't say anything because she was there for me after about 20 people didn't answer my texts. 

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My girl is in heaven

Oh Tinay. Your grief is so fresh and raw.  Unfortunately this is sometimes when so called friends and family start to.go back to thier lives. I understand you still need time to vent and have people listen and they should be available for you .  If I lived closer I would pick you up and you could let it all out and I would be here to listen. That is very bad that no is offering you this help . I can call you i can call the states for free. Or I can talk to you on email.  If either those would help let me know.  You are only a little over 2 months in and you very much need support and someone who will listen.  

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Tommy's mum

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Tinay know you are cared about and supported here anytime we understand your pain and isolation and know how people we rely on sometimes let us down.

Darcy12 My daughter graduated from Reading uni 2 yrs ago and loved it. My other daughter is graduating from Brighton this July but did not enjoy university at all and my son will be going into his 2nd year at Bristol uni in the autumn and loves it. University is not for everyone but these days it seems you need a degree for everything. graduates do have an advantage I think because it also demonstrates the ability to live away from home and manage yourself, learn time and money management and self studying habits so often the degree you hold does not apply to the job you do. still with unemployment high in the UK I hope they all find employment and are successful.

Laurie and Dee I have not seen Georgina on this site for a while. Quite a few regulars are missing recently maybe they are approaching anniversary dates or some other painful reminders. Hope they are ok. I have missed Rainie too.

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sorry Tommy's mum i ment how have you got on with getting the bars up at the windows to stop any more students falling from the windows like ur brave son did trying to stop his friend glad the others are doing well at uni

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Lesley, Georgina's last post last week indicated that her daughter was in Intensive Care for a reaction to anesthesia, and so far no word since then. Worried!

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Tommy's mum

I got nowhere with the uni in Hawaii concerning putting locks on the windows. I will continue to email them evry year on Tommy's death anniversary to remind them our grieving family have not forgotten and to implore them again to put safety locks on. prob wont do any good but at least I am a pain in their ass annually not letting them forget what happened at their uni.

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi thank you for your prayers and good wishes. Haven't had time to update before Now. Charlotte is still on life support just so very ill.  As the days go by and I sit holding her hand I just can't believe my life. I'm in pieces and not coping well. She's connected to so many machines and she  when she breaths 

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Tommy's mum

inheavenskeeping I am so sorry you are going through this very scary time I wish I could do something to help you. Unbelieveable that this was an anaesthetic reaction and your poor girl is still so very unwell. Stay strong. Even though your daughter is on life support she can still hear you and feel you holding her hand and your love is so important to her. Although you feel you are falling apart you are stronger than you believe. Stay strong. Thinking of you, hugs.

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My girl is in heaven

Georgina.  I'm so sorry Charlotte is not doing well.  Hold on with all you got.  Like Lesley said she can still hear you and feel you close to her.  I am praying so hard for you and your daughter, family.  I'm fairly new here, you maybe don't know me.  You must be a very strong lady to have endured what you have gone thru already. Stay strong and feel all the hugs as we all close our arms around you.  Sending lots of prayers and hugs your way.  Keep us posted when you can.  

  

 

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What happened Georgina, to Charlotte? Oh my goodness I wish I could be next to you right now. I am praying to God and her Angel Brothers and all of our Angels, to help Charlotte breathe on her own again and live a full life here.

Peace Sweetie,

 

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Mermaid Tears

Georgina....what do the Dr.s and staff have to say....? Have they given you an update? Prayers and care are sent to you and yours.

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Hello Everyone, It has been a while since I have been on. It has been over 4 years since my daughter has passed away, and I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that I have just now purchased her grave stone today. I have made excuses to avoid it up until now, but its done. I have sole custody of her three young daughters. My question is I was thinking of putting their names on the grave stone as far as maybe "Loving daughter, sister, and mother of Abigail, Layla, and Isabella" but I just dont know?? Does anybody have any advice in how i can incorporate their names on her grave stone in a nice way. My oldest granddaughter which is ten really wants it done, but I can't seem to figure out how to put it on there without it looking tacky. Any advice would be helpful.. Thank you  

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Maybe just Loving Mom to the three best girls in the world: Abigail, Lala, and Isabella.
 Sweet of you and no need to be ashamed of waiting until you were ready to face this hurdle. It is not for anyone else to judge.

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My girl is in heaven

Devianz .  Was thinking about you today .  Hope everything went well and they are getting things sorted out for you.  Take a deep breathe and have a little rest before Friday. You will be relieved when this week is over.  Sending you wishes for strength to get thru this week.  You are already half way there.  I will be standing right there with you on Friday in spirit.  Hugs  Luanne

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Tommy's mum

amyanne03 it is ok that you were not ready before to deal with your daughter's headstone, these things need careful consideration and have to be done when you are mentally ready. have you tried googling headstone inscriptions or something like that? they prob show font ideas etc or go to a graveyard and get ideas. I wish you well that is a hard thing to do, very emotional, and bless you for taking care of your daughter's 3 girls they are lucky to have you.

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Mermaid Tears

Amyanne03....I so agree with all the other parents on this site....designing a headstone for your child is akin to asking someone to walk on water. A task that could not be imagined....taught or explained...until you are faced with the task...and hit a brick wall. There is simply no right or wrong...or time table when a parent is faced with this kind of grief. You have been very  busy raising those girls...and if you feel you are ready for this now...then do it. If you are searching for the right words/wording....it will come to you.

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Thank you for you kind words ericasmom, Tommys mum, and mermaid tears. Yes it has been hard doing this. I have attempted it a couple times but it got so overwhelming, and reliving the day she passed away...Thank you all for your kind words. Mermaid tears, I love that quote you posted, it hits right on the spot.

Yes I have googled to see if I could get any ideas, but found nothing on how to incorporate the grand-babies on her stone.

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi thank you for your prayers and good wishes. Haven't had time to update before Now. Charlotte is still in intensive care but off the ventilator and breathing on her own. Her lungs are really damaged she has an infection. This week has been a rollercoaster all the fear came back thT sick dread that fills your heart and body. 

Charlotte went in for a small gynie op she has a cyst which she had put off having sorted as she is terrified of any surgery due to the fact that she's had 25 operations in her early life due to her condition.  I had to go in to the theater with her as she was so nervous and scared she went off to sleep ok the last thing she said was " I love you mumma " I kissed her and walked out and instantly the Major alarms went off everyone went running past me into the room I tried to go back but two nurses grabbed me and took me off I kept saying over and over "I can't loose another child" I then collapsed it took them 40 minuets to stabilise her she went blue.  They couldn't tell me anything except there was 15 people in there trying to save her I was in such a state just kept fainting it was like my body was shutting down I just couldn't stand it. 

I cant thank you enough for your prayers I know she had guardian angels looking out for her.  I'm beyond shattered been at her bedside every single day. 

Thank you all 

God Bless xxx

 

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My girl is in heaven

Georgina.  So glad to hear she is breathing on her own again.  I'm so sorry you have had to go thru such a scare.  I'm sure you had a lot of memories come flooding back.  You must be worn right out.  Please look after yourself.  She will just keep getting stronger every day now.  Hang in there.  Hugs.  Luanne

  

  

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Breathe Charlotte and heal. This is my prayer. Let the damage be reversible. She has had so much to deal with in her life, let her live strong and long now.

God Bless Georgina. I don't even know how you typed here today but I am so glad that you did. If I could, I would have one arm around your shoulders and the other holding your hand, in hopes that you could lean on me for a bit.  Oh my but it has been the hardest of times for you. Sleep when you can and know that prayers are circling your Girl.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Georgina, sending prayers for Charlotte tonight... Sending much love...may you feel her guardian angels close, holding your heart and hers...we pray that her condition would stabilize and her strength to return...

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Most of the time, I can deal with your death. I can hold back the tears and accept that you’re gone.

I force myself to believe the cliche words that get thrown around, about how only the good die young and how God takes His favorites first. About how it was your time and how everything happens for a reason.

But sometimes, that silver linings attitude fades away and all I can feel is anger. Hurt. Betrayal.

I’m sorry that I can’t be strong all the time. That there are days when I question my faith. Days when I hate the world and every person inside of it. Days when I’m bitter about the way life turned out.

I’m sorry that I can’t walk around with unflinching hope when I know how shitty this world is. I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I’m sorry I carry so much anger inside.

I’m pissed, because you left your family behind. You left people who still needed your love, your voice, your hugs, your kisses. People who cared about you more than they cared about themselves. People who would do anything to have one more minute with you.

I’m pissed, because I keep seeing these shitty people running around without a care in the world, living for decades longer than you had the chance to. Because the goodness in your heart should have earned you more days, months, years.

I’m pissed, because you deserved better. You deserved to celebrate more milestones. You deserved to see the people around you grow up. You deserved to grow old yourself and pass away peacefully in your sleep after ninety years of living your best life.

I’m pissed, because it’s not fair. That sounds whiny to say, childish, but it’s the truth. What happened to you wasn’t fair. What happened to your family wasn’t fair. Nothing about your death was fair.

I miss you. And I hate that I miss you, because I shouldn’t have to. I should be able to call you up. I should be able to knock on your door. I should be able to see you face-to-face anytime I want.

You should still be here, right now, sending me texts to ask how I’ve been doing. You should still be here, right now, giving me a reason to laugh instead of cry. You should still be here, right now, alive and well.

No matter how many cliches are thrown at me about how only the good die young, no matter how many of those sayings I choose to believe to find some semblance of comfort, I will always believe that your death was bullshit.

I will always believe that there was some sort of mistake, that you didn’t deserve it. 

I will always believe that you deserved so much more. 

 

I hope this doesn't offend anyone but it's how I feel right now. I'm not the author, again I forgot to copy that part. 

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Tommy's mum

inheavenskeeping so glad Charlotte is breathing on her own and fighting the infection in her lungs you must feel such a relief. I know she has a ways to go but it is all in the right direction. Bless you for staying strong.

Tinay whoever that author was hit the nail on the head it is how I feel most of the time. It is hard not to be angry bitter and resentful when a young life full of promise and plans for the future is cut short without warning. It is hard to be able to live again and try for a brighter future when your heart and spirit have been broken. It is hard to see other people with their lives going on as if nothing had happened. It is hard when you dont get the support and understanding from family and friends. It is just hard......

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Love that piece you posted Tinay, it does hit the tone in the hearts of most of us after our child died. It isn't the right way, it is not the right order of events. Kids should never go before their elders...sadly, it happens all too  often. Hang in there, you are very new on the path...footing is very hard to find. I am glad  you found us.

Georgina, how are you doing today? Did Charlotte have a good night? She is being thought of throughout the days and nights. May there be good heath for her soon.

 

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I agree with Dianne,Lou ann,  Ethan will shine tomorrow both for what he has been able to go forward and accomplish, and because his beloved sibling is blessing him in all he does. Enjoy the time as best you can.The juxtaposition between future and tragic past is very hard to find balance with. Holding your hands.

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My girl is in heaven

Thanks everyone for your support. It's a 2 hour drive so will have to leave early tomorrow.  I decided I would get my hair done today.  I have long hair and do my own colour so I go only for a trim once in awhile.  I really had to talk myself into going and that i could do it and be ok.  I had a nice young girl who I was telling about Evan's grad tomorrow and she said do you have any other children?  I very calmly and slowly said I have another son and a daughter who passed away almost six years ago.  It took every ounce of me to hold back the tears but I.did.  I tried to make my mind go blank.  I thought stare at a hair brush or hair spray can, but oh no my cruel grieving mind took me right back to when Kira and I got our hair done together. I would always say to the girl I'll have the same colour as my daughter.  I would just say that to get a rise out of Kira as she would perk up and I knew she would be thinking no way not the same colour as mom.  In my mind I could see her sitting there reading a magazine and looking over at me.  One time when we went it was a bright sunny winter day and when we came out it was a major snow storm.  I was.so scared driving.  It was a long slow drive and I just kept praying that god would keep Kira safe.i thought getting thru that was the worst.  Tomorrow will be extremley difficult and I just feel sick at the thoughts of what will be popping into my mind and how I can keep it from ruining Evans day.  I will feel all your support around me.  I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks

 

 

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I'm so very sorry for all the senseless violence and death in the UK.  Sending

thoughts & prayers to all our BI friends in the UK, and  friends of our nation.... the UK.  

Praying that somehow this terrible hatred, ignorance, and killing will stop.  Peace to all.

 

Georgina------Oh, my goodness.  My heart goes out to you, and sending up

prayers for your dear Charlotte.  Praying for her recovery.  Also, praying for

strength for you and your family in this critical and difficult time.  Peace to you, my friend.

 

WISHING   COMFORT    TO  ALL  INDIGOS.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,    Sherry 

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Mermaid Tears

Amyanne03....I so agree with all the other parents on this site....designing a headstone for your child is akin to asking someone to walk on water. A task that could not be imagined....taught or explained...until you are faced with the task...and hit a brick wall. There is simply no right or wrong...or time table when a parent is faced with this kind of grief. You have been very  busy raising those girls...and if you feel you are ready for this now...then do it. If you are searching for the right words/wording....it will come to you.

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Mermaid Tears

I wrote that post some days ago...don't know why it popped up...and had to submit...

 

Georgina...all of us on this site are beyond happy that your girl is better...we all know the high anxiety a parent has in their bloodstream when one has lost a child...and....the 'what if'....I pray that you have a circle of real humans around you....you certainly have a circle of 'us' around you....caring and compassionate for you...just not in human form....but who can say the spirit is not as strong. We are with you.

Lou ann....am so sorry I have not been able to be 'on this site'...as much as I would like to be....I am guessing your son is graduating...from college? High School? Sorry...do not know the ages of your children....but...remember....life is for the living...we are responsible for the family we have on this earth home...and to let them know that life is for the living. We do need to carry on with traditions..and make happy memories. We have many...many blessings with our children ...they did not create the grief...they have no control over the grief...they cannot bring their sibling back...we cannot put that burden on them. I believe the parent can gather and create ways in which the family can honor and remember the child that left this earth home too soon....but we should never take away the joy of the ones that still live on this earth home.

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Mermaid Tears

for some reason...this song came into my heart....

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My girl is in heaven

Thank you mermaid tears.  You are so right.  I need to let Evan have his day tomorrow.  He was with me when I found her and I'm sure he lives with a lot of scars but he never talks about it.  I think I am afraid to be happy or smile for fear that Kira will think I don't mis s her.  I am a very insecure, low self-esteem person and thus am just so scared that I will do something wrong tomorrow.  I am just in knots but with all of your support I will do this for my boy.  I have to.  Thanks again

  

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Tommy's mum

louann it is ok to smile and laugh and take photos its an important life event for you all. \kira will be clapping her hands with joy at her brother's acheivement and willing you on to smile and celebrate. it is ok Kira hates when you are unhappy she puts her invisible arms around you to squeeze out a smile. she knows she will never be forgotten she can see that space in your heart that is always there for her night and day. It is a celebration of Evan's hard work and success despite losing his sister wow all credit to him. focus on the ceremony and anything you have planned after there prob will be a couple tears but they will tears of pride right?!  how old are your kids now? Just do as much as you can participate as much as you can and then leave. You have all of us rooting for you. Tell us how it went ok?

mermaidtears as always such great quotes thanks.

Sherry thanks for the kind words. Our general election results will be out tomorrow and there will always be disappointed people but \i hope they accept the majority vote peacefully so we can go on to decide our future and brexit. I abhor violence and killing and I hope we are able to fight against these terror cells and evil individuals to prevent them from causing death and destruction. these sick individuals give all Moslems a bad name which is wrong and incites racial divides. for peace we all need to live side by side and coexist. There were great stories of heroism and selflessness which was inspiring and saved lives. I believe all our police and emergency personnel need to be armed in these dangerous times.

Dee  lovely words that you wrote below thanks

6 hours ago, ericasmom said:

  Ethan will shine tomorrow both for what he has been able to go forward and accomplish, and because his beloved sibling is blessing him in all he does. Enjoy the time as best you can.The juxtaposition between future and tragic past is very hard to find balance with. Holding your hands.

.

 

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"Life goes on within and without us" as George Harrison wrote and sang so long ago. And it does, and so our hardest job in the world is to find out how to live after the loss of one so Dear to us. I just know that our Angels are rooting us on. As far as tears during the graduation, I would have a box of tissue with me. I had to have a box of tissue with me when My Son got married. I was joyous and so deeply affected by this life changing event without both Erica and their Dad there. I looked at my Son in all of his shining smiles and knew that Erica and Michael were thrilled with this marriage, this going forward...but it struck me so that I began to cry before even entering the church. It is who I am. I have learned to just go prepared with tissues.

And as far as the heroism and seflessness: yes, like it was shown to remind us after the Manchester horror, Mr. Rodgers tells of a time when he asked his Mom what to do when bad things happen. Her reply: Look for the good guys...look for the ones who are helping and assisting. Look for the heroes.

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Mermaid Tears

I remember the first weeks and months following John David leaving this earth home....I searched for guidance from my family...my loved ones who had passed on...looking for their footprints left to give me a map in how to travel this dark journey I had been placed on. My parents...aunts..uncles and Grandparents had not lost a child....I found this site...and because of the caring parents on this site...the 'spirit guides who had been on here for years...and the new parents are the ones that helped me find my balance...my sanity...and I can truthfully say that I would not be 'as healthy' as I am today if not for them. I am fine physically...as long as I adhere to my regime that I worked out to keep the stress from impacting my physical body.

I remember that first Christmas I made the statement that I didn't think I would put up a tree...and my daughter said...'Mom...we didn't die'....and that brought me around ...and of course...I still had my family...and family is the most cherished thing on this earth to have...and there were traditions to be carried on...and happy memories to make for my grandchildren. It was HARD....the hardest thing I have ever...ever had to do....grieve deeply and carry on. My son said...'we knew if Mom could make it...so could we'....and that is why I think it is so important to know that life is for the living. We simply cannot bury the child that died...and then bury the ones that live with our grief. I know my spirit walks with a limp....and my soul has a whimper...and always will have.

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My girl is in heaven

Well I did it.  I watched my beautiful baby boy with the curly hair walk across the stage at University of Toronto and receive his law degree.  (Except he is 28 and his hair hasn't been curly since he was 3) but he is still my baby.  So difficult to handle pride and happiness with the grief and sadness.  But for those 2 -3 minutes when they called his name, he walked across the stage, and received his diploma, I let go of the sadness and was just a proud mama bear.  It was a beautiful sunny day in Toronto but when we started to head home, the sky got dark and cloudy.  It was as if my grief was saying hey I gave you a few moments of sunshine but im back again hanging over your head.  I felt all of you with me. I felt Kira there, letting me know it was ok to let go of my sadness for a few minutes and embrace a few moments of happiness.  This day had weighed so heavily on me for so long but i held myself together and evan had his day.  Of course he acted like no big deal, what ever but he worked so long and hard for this and thru losing his sister.  Thanks for all your support in pulling me thru this.  I am going to try and post a few pictures if I can figure it out.  I hope you don't mind.  One has the cn tower in the background as I thought you have all probably heard about it.  Now on to Monday when I have to put the memorium in the paper and wait for the 19th to arrive with all it's pain and sorrow.  

Devianz I know you had a difficult day today.  I was thinking about you.

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My girl is in heaven

Oh and I wore Kira's bracelet I only wear on special occasions.

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Lou ann, such a blue sky day to celebrate your Son's wonderful accomplishments. I am glad you felt Kira there with yu, she was sitting on your shoulder, and tucked in your heart. You did well Lou ann, you allowed the joy right next to the grief, it is what our hearts hold and you were able to allow both today. Good job. You also did a good job wiht posting photos. Congratulations for this big day.

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Stopping by tonight to share a little bit of my heart.   I picked up my grandaughters  after work today to spend the night with us.  It has been a couple of weeks since they stayed so we all were looking forward to it.  I picked them up and noticed right away that the youngest. Becca, 8 years old was not herself.   She carried pain in her eyes that I have come to recognize since her mama died 5 years ago.   As we drove home she said little.  I asked her how she was doing and she didn't reply.  Her sister, Maddie, age 10 spoke up and said that Becca cried at day camp today because she missed mama.   When we got home and she snuggled and cried, she said she had been sad all week.  She shared that she just wants her mama to hug her again.    We talked about Sarah and how much she loved her.   It amazes me the depth of the memories that these little girls have for being so young when she died.  Becca was only 3, but she told me memories of her mama that were spot on.   I am so blessed to have these beautiful little girls, and they are the light of our lives, but I feel so inadequate to really help them when the grief overcomes them.    They are happy much of the time and have had good support in family and have had some counseling.  However, just like us, they have times that just the pain of the loss comes crashing down.   Little girls should not have to face life without their mama.  Every milestone brings the glaring reality, that she is gone.   As I watch them both sleep tonight II want to take the pain from them and make their world right again.   But I can't.  Please pray for my little girls tonight especially Becca.    Thank you for listening.

Sandy

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