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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Tinay, what a fabulous picutre. Goodness knows that if she can make that, she is quite a seamstress. Did you paint this?

Darci, I did not quite understand what you meant about the midwife? I am so sad for you, I know it must be hard to answer the questions of your daughter when your heart is so heavy. I will look up some book titles that perhaps you can read together.

AlanB, how ya doing? Are you feeling like some days are a bit better than others?

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Darcy, did your 9 year old say this? If it was your Daughter, that is the anxiety talking...she is trying to gage where she would be if she had another tragedy, where you would be too? It sounds like she is trying to find ways to talk about the future with you.Has she seen a therapist or social worker to help her through this hard worry? I know being pregnant on top of raising a Child and losing a child has got to be way beyond what I have ever felt, and I am holding you close in my prayers and hopes.A long time ago, I had a friend whose cousin was pregnant when she lost her 4 year old...she also had another daughter to raise...very hard. She made it, the baby was fine, but it was the hardest time of her life.

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no one will talk to her about it as she seems fine i keep getting told by school and everyone so till sge lashes out they wont touch her 

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Ericasmom-no I didn't paint the picture. A friend painted it for my daughter. Im sure my sister will come up very close to it. 

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My girl is in heaven

June 1st.  I can already feel the shift in my gut and the tension and anxiety start to build as Kira's Angel date of June 19 approaches.  I hate June. I wish I could just close my eyes and wake up in July. On June 9th of this year my oldest son graduates from law school.  His first graduation for his undergrad was june17, 2011.  I had bought a new camera for the occasion and had practised taking a picture of Kira and her cat .  We were so proud to see our first child moving thru university.  I took a lot of good pictures of Evan that day.  We were on top.of the world.  Then two days after that Kira , our perfectly healthy strong 17 year would go in the shower and never come out alive.  And that picture of her and the cat would turn out to be the last one of her.  Our world of course was shattered and has never been any thing close to that lovely Friday morning watching my boy go across that stage.  Now as he has his final graduation it will be hard to not remember his last graduation, the last time we were ever  happy and when Kira was still there.  It will be hard to not think that Kira didn't get to graduate.  But still I will be filled with pride for he has worked so very long and hard for this.  I will have to hold back the tears and sadness and let Evan have his day.  But I don't know how I'm going to do it. I will need a lot of strength that day. And if i do get thru that the 19th is just another few weeks where I will be forced to relive that nightmare all over again.   I might need a lot of hand holding the next few weeks. You guys are my rock.  

 

 

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We are all here for you Lou Ann.  I have tears anticipating your pain. I know it hasn't been long for me but I do understand the anxiety

 

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My girl is in heaven

Thanks Tinay.  That's so kind of you to offer your support when you are so new to this journey.  This is the first year that I have been on this site so maybe I will fair a little better this year knowing I have you guys here.  How are things going for you?  Have you heard anything from the lawyers yet.  Is it getting easier being back at work. Kira has been gone almost 6 years and I still can't let go of her clothes for a quilt.  I don't know how you ever get ready for that.  Thanks again. 

 

 

 

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Lou Ann. Work isn't better. I can't concentrate and have long days so I can have off what I need and still get 40 hours in. I'm waiting for them to decide yet if they will take the case. They are waiting on the court transcripts. Should be soon. They said they couldn't listen and watch all of the video recording. I still have my fingers crossed. 

I think I slip from denial to half accepting back to denial. The hardest part at work is looking at her pictures and thinking about not seeing her anymore. I probably shouldn't have her pictures at work but I can't help myself. 

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My girl is in heaven

Tinay.  Please be careful with work.  I worked for 29 years as a medical record clerk. I had a picture of Kira on my desk too. I was ok on and off the first couple of years but then sunk into a really deep depression and was struggling with my grief  again and I started to slow down ,  I couldn't concentrate at all.  There was a new young boss came in and just fired me.  She knew I had lost my daughter but did not care.  After 29 years they didn't bother to inquire as to what was happening with me.  They never thanked me for my 29 years of service and a friend had to retrieve my personal belongings from my desk. I had to sign a letter basically saying they would give me a bad reference if I tried to get another job.  Hindsight I should have got written off by a Dr. And then they couldn't have fired me.  Hopefully work places have more compassion towards grieving parents in the states than they do in Canada.  They treated me very shabily.  I'm only telling you this as I would not want to see this happen to another grieving parent.  You should not be punished because you are grieving.  

 

 

 

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Thank you for your concern. They have been very good with me. We have laws that protect against that. Plus I only worked one day before she passed and they have been good with me taking time off. They are Very understanding. But if something does happen, right now I say screw it. If I decide to drop my hours way down (which can't cuz of bills) they can't fire me cuz of the law. But it's a right to work state. Meaning they can fire at will. I am very lucky to have this job. 

That's sure long winded. I'll email you so. My laptop at home sucks 

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Here is a wonderful article published today online, about a very popular children's author, writing to adults in graphic novel way, about grief...memoir...her all too young husband dying from ALS and how her kids and she went through grief.

 

 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/acts-of-faith/wp/2017/06/02/in-graphic-memoir-childrens-author-aims-to-show-adults-what-they-dont-see-about-death/?utm_term=.391606246f73

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Darci, social workers always say: if it does not affect school day or work, then it is not in their realm...I just think so differently about social work in schools, the way it used to be, where social workers used to pull kids in and have time with them when they were aware of a trauma. I am sorry. Again, I am hunting books. One that is great for adults and children alike is by Mike Rosen: The Sad Book. About the loss of Mike Rosen's son. Done in drawings. Your Girl is old enough to read that with you.

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my whole week seem to be going from bad to worse i got a email of a friend saying that my daughter passing was all my fault and that i had hurt her me and my mum have never got on at all she even slaged me down at my daughter's funeral and she is trying to turned my other daughter on me by telling her she int safe living with me 

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Darcy, I am so sorry that this person attacked you in this way and that  your Mum was not kind to you. Are you able to keep your Daughter safe from these kinds of negative exposure? You sure don't need more crap when you are trying to cope and stay healthy too. Hang on there. The book titles are good, I love the one that asks, Am I Still a Sister? I like the sound of the one that is titled: My Brother, He is an Angel. Good luck with this My Dear.

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lucky we live an hour away from her and dont see her at all no more just soooooo angry that a grandmother could be sooo nasty just because she not getting her own way. i know this sounds soooo nasty but i really do wish it was my mother that was dead not my little girl

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Jeff's Mom

Just quickly stopping by to say that I am thinking of everyone on the site... both old and new. Hang on with both hands. The days can be challenging with many ups and downs.

Lou Ann, it differs with various employers as to their handling of grief. My husband found the utmost of concern and care from his workplace. They were very concerned and  extremely understanding. I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience.

It is HOT,HOT, HOT for the next week. They are calling for a high of +34C the next several days. It seems to be either too cool or too hot. Not much in between any longer. I imagine the cottagers will be up by the droves shortly. At least there is a lovely breeze off of the water. Very refreshing.

Wishing everyone a peaceful weekend.

Kate :)

 

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My girl is in heaven

Darcy.  So sorry about your mom and friend. I dont have one friend left who was there when Kira died. I have blocked there numbers from my phone and I travel to another city to get my groceries so I don't run into them.  I try to keep conversations with my mom about the weather as much as possible.  I have 4 siblings but only one will still stand by me.  These people don't understand even a tiny bit what it is like to live on  without your child.  You sure dont need anymore hurt.  I hope you can find some new friends and keep a distance between your mom.    I know I'm just a cyber friend but I have free long distance calling to the states if you ever want to talk or my email is ltaylor50@rogers.com.  I will do anything I can to help you.

Jeffs mom.  Glad your husband's workplace was understanding.  Maybe it's just in Ontario they are so nasty.  Oh I am so jealous of your place on the lake.  I hate hate hate Woodstock.  I told my husband we should visit Manitoba.  Have never been and its right next door.  Still watching the playoffs? I'm going for Pittsburg now that Canada is out. 

Tinay I'm glad everything is secure with your job.  Good luck with the lawyers. It must be hard waiting.  

 

 

 

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i have found the people on here to be more like friends and family then the people who are around me 

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My girl is in heaven

Darcy.  I live in Canada.  I thought you lived in the states.  So you live in England? 

15 minutes ago, darcy12 said:

i have found the people on here to be more like friends and family then the people who are around me 

You took the words right out of my mouth.  I feel exactly the same.  I wish we all lived on the same street. 

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My girl is in heaven

Well I'm not sure how to call England; but could probably figure it out.  Either way I'm here for you, anytime. 

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thanks hun im here for every one if they wanted to chat my email is darcyriseley13@gmail.com

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InHeavensKeeping

Hi I don't feel I have the right to ask anything from this group but can I ask please can you pray for my youngest daughter she's in intensive care tonight very sick from a bad reaction whilst have a general anaesthetic  x

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My girl is in heaven

In heavens keeping.  I am praying for your daughter.  So sorry you are going thru such a scare.  Lots of hugs and prayers going your way.  Please keep us updated how she is doing.  

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Georgina, I am praying as I type here...what is going on with your Girl? How long has she been in intensive care?  Never ever hesitate to ask for prayers and hopes, you are a part of our circle the same way we are a part of yours. One of the things we do is stand together.

Dear Lord and All of Our Angels, Please gather round Georgina's Daughter and give her the power and strength to heal, free from worry or illness. Amen.

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Tommy's mum

inheavenskeeping I don't pray anymore but I am sending lots of get well soon thoughts for your daughter and your family at this very worrying time. Keep us updated ok? Take care and hugs.

.Darcy12 I live in Plymouth so I am a Devon girl too. Where are you located? It is a shame when family and close friends dont get it and are unsupportive or unkind. At least here we are all accepted and supported and most of all understood and not considered crazy.

Louann either get whatsapp which allows free calls from USA Canada and UK. or use skype which is very cheap and has a better connection. I wish we all lived closer too and could meet up for coffee and a hug in person. I dont have any friends here who have lost a child and have found it v difficult to keep up with friends because so often I dont feel like talking or being around people. feel safer and more at peace pottering around at home or in my garden, just me and my cat.

dee do you have any updates on the former member who lost a second child? What happened? How is the family coping?

To all other members hang in there post when you can and know you are thought of even when you are absent ok? We are all in this together.

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Mermaid Tears

Georgina....prayers and care are sent for you and your daughter....I know I have a greater anxiety...a kind of 'waiting for the other shoe to drop' level...that I never had before...and when even a small crisis happens...I feel like I am running a fever. I know you have had such a hard time with your emotional/physical issues...I pray that you will receive great support with your family and friends at this time. Please keep us posted.

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Who lives in the states besides me?  I hope it's ok to ask that. I thought at one point I read at least one other person does. I know there are more. I can't remember anything anymore. 

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Mermaid Tears

I live in Brenham, Texas......

This site brings people from all over the world....letting us know we don't have to hoard our grief...there is plenty to go around. It allows a parent to cry and whimper and be understood. It allows a parent to learn they are not going crazy...they are just in deep mourning. There is healing in being understood.

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My girl is in heaven

Actually I live in Ontario Canada.  I wish I lived in the states or England or any other part of Canada.   Canada is a beautiful country except where I live in southern Ontario.  And we just had a nurse here in Woodstock yesterday plead guilty to 8 counts of murder of nursing home people.  She is now one of Canada's most prolific serial killers.  Anyway no matter where we live, I'm glad we can all come together on here.  If I win the lottery I'm going to map out where everybody lives and come give you all a hug in person.  

Georgina.  How is your daughter today?

Rainie and amyanne, havn't heard from you in awhile.  Hope your doing well.  Thinking of you.  

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i was wondering were Rainie was last i heard from her she was doing ok she has been like a second mum to me 

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i cant work out how anyone can kill someone else its nuts let people die from natural problems not kill them coz ur bored

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Hello indigo friends,

I would like to share my experience with work.  After Brian died on 6-19-2008, I took approx 5 weeks off work, 3 paid.  In that time, I ran to my doctor and requested part-time (4 days a week) for a little over 1 year.  Then back full-time.  I was lucky.  My boss was very kind to me.  I would regularly leave at 1 pm, because I was exhausted or crying uncontrollably.

I am now back to work full-time plus.  For me, work saved me.  Work forced me to think of something else other than Brians death.  For others, that is not the case.

love you all

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

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Hi friends,

I live in Wisconsin, which is not far from Canada, in the grand scheme of things.  

Darcy12,  after Brians death, at the hands of one of his best friends, I was out of my mind mad.  I wanted the driver to pay for what he did.  I wanted him to feel the depth of my pain.  What I realize, 9 years later, is that the driver was and continues to feel the pain of his actions.  It is completely normal to want others, who we perceive caused our pain, to feel the sting of death that we feel.

i was angry for a long time...4 years...took me a lot of praying for the Lord to take this feeling from me.  Eventually, He did.  Now, I hand judgement over to the Lord.  I no longer wish harm on the driver. For the driver, life must be hard as a convicted felon at 17 years old.  No one wins...we all lost.  

Colleen, Brian's Mom Forever

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I am sorry I haven't been posting. With my current health issues, and the chaos in the world my anxiety levels are near crippling.  I don't think I've left the house now in 2 1/2 weeks, and I have a court date on June 9th to face my son's murderer again and I'm not in a good place to do so.  I have a doctors appointment on the 6th with the geneticist and the surgeon to see what approach we are taking to my issues.  One of the biopsies came back "suspect" as pre-cancerous so there is a lot of testing and procedural things we have to do to get ready for that too. I'm just overwhelmed right now.

I am sorry for not being more present right now.  Know that I am thinking of you all.

My thoughts right now are with all the people being attacked in London at the moment.  Three separate incidents ongoing.  If you are near the area, please stay safe at home.

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I am so sorry once again UK...that there was another action that took the lives of others, innocent others. I am so so sorry.

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what is going on in the uk thats 2 big city's hit by terrorists what is there problem just because there bored of there countries dont take it out on ours thats 6 more confirmed dead i have to say i feel for the families as we all know what lies ahead for them

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My girl is in heaven

Colleen.  So glad work gives you comfort.  I dont know where all of you guys work but luckily for you such understanding employers.  Ours standing was we should not still be grieving as it had been a couple years.  Undoubtedly said by someone who has never lost a child.  I am so glad you got over your anger towards the driver. I am sure not a lot of people could do that.  But I'm sure has been good  to unburden yourself of that.  I will be thinking about you as our children's angel date approaches.

Devianz. Am so sorry you are having to deal with both your health issues and court case.  All in one week.  I'm not looking forwArd to this week either as I have to be proud of my son graduating while holding back all the sadness and tears I have.  One day at a time we can stay strong and get thru this week.  I know you have  to deal with much more then me.  .  Let us know how both things turn out. Strength to you my friend.  

England mothers hope you are all safe.  Such a terrible tragedy again.  Lesley thanks for saying we are all in this together.  Am so grateful I found you guys.  

  

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Tommy's mum

inheavenskeeping I don't pray anymore but I am sending lots of get well soon thoughts for your daughter and your family at this very worrying time. Keep us updated ok? Take care and hugs.

.Darcy12 I live in Plymouth so I am a Devon girl too. Where are you located? It is a shame when family and close friends dont get it and are unsupportive or unkind. At least here we are all accepted and supported and most of all understood and not considered crazy.

Louann either get whatsapp which allows free calls from USA Canada and UK. or use skype which is very cheap and has a better connection. I wish we all lived closer too and could meet up for coffee and a hug in person. I dont have any friends here who have lost a child and have found it v difficult to keep up with friends because so often I dont feel like talking or being around people. feel safer and more at peace pottering around at home or in my garden, just me and my cat.

dee do you have any updates on the former member who lost a second child? What happened? How is the family coping?

Thanks for the good wishes concerning the UK terrorist attacks. Noone knows when or where they will occue because it is small splinter cells that operate independently. However i believe most poeple ignore and carry on because you cannot live your life in fear and anxiety all the time. As bereaved parents we recognise that too for ourselves and try to overcome so that we can carry on in a semblance of normality.

Devianz so sad you are having such an especially difficult time esp with your health problems I wish you well.

Collen you are so right when you say noone wins we all lost that is true. With time and healing I think most of us can let go of some of the anger at the injustice and come to ralise that the person responsible if there was one prob does not get off scot free emotionally even if they are not convicted. I understand that is not always the case and there are perpetrators free in the community who dont care but I guess we cannot do anything about that. I am glad the cops called my sons case an accidental death I would not have wanted the kid responsible to be charged with negligent homicide that would not have been right for anyone. I think he still suffers with guilt and depression and flashbacks it must be really hard.

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My girl is in heaven

Tears in heaven.  Thank you. You made me cry. I think I will just pretend that all the people sitting around me in the auditorium are you guys , there holding me up.  It's not til Friday but my gut feels likes it's starting to churn already.  

 

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