Jump to content
Forum Conduct & Guidelines Document ×

Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

Recommended Posts

  • Members

I agree Lesley, one has to make choices to protect their hearts. My heart needed to see the kids as they grew and changed...it felt vital to my going on in many ways. Just the way we are made that makes us have different reactions.

Becky, the poem is lovely...Jared is smiling and loving you from that very space in which you are. Always nearby.

Husband took a walk with me this morning, so this is good.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 68.4k
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • ericasmom

    9217

  • Mermaid Tears

    3803

  • daveydow1

    3002

  • shorty16

    2248

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

I 'cocooned' ....and this was months after John David left this earth home...I realized I had to 'grieve and mourn' in my way. I also had to help my husband and his siblings...I cancelled every social and civic event/meeting/responsibility in my community. I am blessed in that everyone understood. I am blessed in that I am surrounded with his friends and people in the communities...his high school best friends...who loved him...and they need to stay in touch with me...as much as I need to stay in touch with them. Just the other day....Randa brought me another 'John David story' from one of his Jr. High friends that visited with her. I did not attend weddings..funerals...parties...gatherings...the first 3 years...I slowly gathered the courage to face the fact that life is for the living. I , of course, attended events concerning my grandchildren and adult children. Why should they be punished because John David left this earth home. John David would be the first to fuss at me if I didn't. I attended a wedding that was a small intimate group. I did attend the funeral of one of my oldest and dearest friends...her husband had been sick with cancer for such a long time....and she was with me ....but I was once again in a circle of loving and caring people. I knew she needed me. I am not bitter about seeing his friends getting married or having babies....John David would be the first to celebrate....and he wants  us to celebrate in his honor. In this 5th year...I am now going to all the graduation gatherings....more social events....I have learned that the hole in my heart in the shape of my child is always there....I am not the same...but I have learned to carry on which is different from moving on.  I am also responsible for leaving footprints on this earth home and in my children's hearts of how to face tragedy and great loss...for there will be a time when I leave this earth home. I pray they don't have to ever face this kind of grief. They carry a great deal of grief in losing that beautiful..beloved brother.

This grief journey will be as unique as your child is unique. What you want to do....or not want to do....is simply what you should do. Go with your instinct. There is no wrong or right way....there is no magic word that will jump out and give you direction.

ScreenShot018.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

I never once thought that God/Mother/Father of the Universe....'took' my child....something very deep inside me knew that he went to his first home....and he was received there....'and the Lord came with strong arms and took him in the night'.....I love this song...and the song writer...Jimmy LaFave....he died a couple of days ago....I think John David...went Home....

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Beautifully said Susan, that the hole in your heart is in the shape of your Son...pretty song indeed.I agree, I never was angry at God or Creator, I was grateful that there was a place for my Girl, and I have always felt that she was more than happy where she landed.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Just as our grief and grief journey are different so are our personal beliefs and faiths etc. I was angry at God and have lost any faith I had. I still feel Tommy was taken from us unfairly. I had prayed for 4years to God to let me get enough money to be able to visit my son in Hawaii. god knew that was my dearest wish to see and hold my Tommy again and he did not listen. I was not important enough to listen to. The kid my son saved was trying to kill himself and god chose to save him not my son. Why that kid was more important than my son I dont know. maybe that kid has a great future ahead of him. Doesnt seem like it he works pt on a lettuce farm and is eaten up with guilt anxiety and depression poor kid. So I do not believe anymore. I prefer to think we are all part of a circle of life and to try to make positive changes to others whilst we are on earth that is what i believe Christian to be. I am glad if others have faith whatever helps each one of us is good, makes life easier. My kids are all atheists too i guess we are all bitter. I understand we all have to die sometime but when it is so unjust it is hard. I dont think I can ever attend another funeral it would put my hard won recovery back. Mermaidtears I love that quote "that the hole in your heart is in the shape of your son" that is very accurate and beautifully worded I feel the same.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Lesley.....when something as tragic...as losing a child happens...I think it is normal to have your view of 'life..spirit..soul...faith..hope...justice ' wiped completely clean...it is like suddenly being thrown into a living nightmare of void...and even two plus two is not four. Becoming unraveled...is the new normal. We begin searching in every corner for answers....or for just a second of knowledge that will let us know our child is 'ok'...it becomes almost a sacred journey. I remember my Grama saying...'the mean ones live so long'....maybe she is right.

 

 

 

ScreenShot003.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful responses.  You have made me feel better that I am not a bad mother and that Kira would understand why I don't want to see her friends. I think if I am really honest with myself there will always be a part of me that thinks out of all those hundreds of kids at that high school, why my daughter. All she did was go for a shower, the healthiest kid with no complaints of pain, dizziness, nothing.  She was a good eater and was in almost every sport and excelled in them all. She was incredibly kind and compassionate for her young age.  Always wanted me to stop and give street people money.  She had the most giving heart.  I can't say I ever pulled away from God though. In the beginning I remember thinking that if I could do some thing so wonderful that pleased God, he would make an exception and bring her back.  Yes for a short time I really believed that.  My husband and sons don't believe and dont like it if I say anything about Kira being in heaven.  Lesley, I to ask sometimes why my daughter wasn't important enough for God to save. Why didn't he just take me.I agree that you need to surround yourself with good, genuine kind people. I just wish it didn't take me six years of being hurt time and time again when parents would duck down another isle in a store so they didn't have to see me.  When friends of years just prattle on about thier own daughters and grandchildren never thinking how hurtful that was for me to hear.  For family who I thought were a given , who just seem to think I should be over it by now and will not support when I have bad days.  I have a very small group left in my life, including all you guys, but i know that none of them will hurt me and will give me support when I need it.  I know I will never change my mind about seeing Kira's friends. And the parents, well I'm just ticked that not one of them has ever thought about us again.  That they are all to selfabsorbed to think about grieving parents.  After all who would be more deserving of some concern and kindness then a bereaved parent ?  Thank you all again, I appreciate your support so much. 

  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello   to   all   INDIGOS.     The last time I tried to post, something went wrong....

the keyboard just froze up.  GRrrr!    Looks like it was just a glitch, and is working now. :)

 

Lori----thank you for posting the writing by the psychiatrist who lost

two children.  Also, thanks for posting the pic of your mom at your dear

sister's grave. Such a tragedy that she was killed at the hands of a

drunken driver behind the wheel.  Sending prayers.

 

Lesley--and Georgina------I'm just sick about the terrorist suicide bombing

at the concert....killing all those dear innocents .   These vicious and mindless

killings/bombings are indescribably evil and defy any sane explanation.  Prays for

the grieving families.

 

Tinay------It is so very soon for you.  2 months is like minutes ago, really.  Try to

remember to just be kind to yourself.  It is not at all unusual that there is difficulty

in making decisions.  I was very indecisive, both times,  after  Lisa and then David

died.  I would spend what seemed like hours in the grocery store....trying to make

up my mind which bread to buy.  I hope you continue to come here to BI where

everyone understands the devastation of losing a beloved child.  Peace to you.

 

Dee------Sending up prayers for your husband's recovery.   

 

PEACE  AND   COMFORT   TO   ALL  INDIGOS.

Sherry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

I have read many posts from parents who feel that family and friends have betrayed them....walked away....when they have lost a child. I put a different spin on it and there is this truth....and I include myself in this....there is simply nothing written..or in a movie or documentary that can fully explain this kind of raw...deep...dark...heavy...grief one has when you lose a child. In one moment your whole world gets dark...it is like you are placed in a foreign land and cannot speak the language or have a map or compass to help guide your steps. In a moment....everything in your life becomes a 'that was then..this is now'....you have one foot in the past...and one in the present.

People are simply ignorant about this kind of grief.

I was not aware...ever....of how this kind of grief changes your life...and the dynamics of a family and your circle of friends. Until it happened to me.

I am not making excuses for rude behavior...I am simply giving a reason for 'why' people do not give a parent the care and compassion they need/want in their grief.

That is why this site is so important for me...I do not have a circle of friends who has lost a child....and I am understood without any explanation by the parents on this site. And that has been a great layer of healing for me.

ScreenShot1098.jpg

ScreenShot1094.jpg

ScreenShot1085.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Omg I need some help.  I can't stop crying and shaking.  Six years ago when Kira died all the kids at school wrote thier memories about her in a lined book.  I have all her stuff in plastic bins , labelled and stored in the basement.  But I have never been able to open that book , in almost six years.  I was planning on taking it to the cemetery this year and reading it.  I was just in my basement doing a bit of cleaning and I don't know what made me go in the funeral box and open it but I did.  There are pages and pages and pages. I just read a few and they are absolutely heart breaking.  Every thing I knew how she helped everybody with their problems and alwAys just knew what to say to make people feel better.  I only read a few but I feel like it is June 19, 2011 all over again.  I've been fighting for six years to even gain a little bit of ground.  I thought I had finally especially after finding this site.  All my work for six years just went out the window.  God help me Kira but I don't think I can read that book.  I promised her at the cemetery I would be with her soon Oh why didn't I just do it back then.  I feel like i just found out she died.  I am completely gutted. In a matter of two minutes I just went from being able to function the best I have to the very darkest corner of the hole.  Please God why do you keep me here.  I was only fooling myself I could somehow carve out a little tiny bit of a life without her but I can't.  I cant live without her.  She hasn't had her momma in six years and I just need to be with her. I am so sorry for rambling.  I don't have anyone else to talk to about this but you guys.  

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Louann oh my sweet it's ok it's ok you are ok. I can totally understand how you are feeling. You think you are making progress and then something hits and you plummet back down again into the depths. Totally understandable under the circumstances. That book sounds very special but you don't have to read it, Kira knows what it says because she is with you always and totally understands it is too painful to read. You are not ready to read it yet, maybe you will one day or maybe not either way it does not matter the words are all genuine outpourings of love and respect for your precious girl. She does not want you to quit and be with her because she knows that is not the right thing to do. My love you can carry on and you will. This is a very painful time again but take it a few minutes at a time just like you did before ok? This will ease slowly and you will face another day and then another one. you are very precious to a lot of people and they need you. don't quit now, you are so important. I really admire you for joining our group and sharing and for battling on. Your words help others, your story matters. hugs. If you want to email me privately you can.   no1mslesley@gmail.com

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lou ann,

Take a breath, and know that you have not lost all of the ground that you have gained over the past 6 years.   Finding the book and looking at it has brought everything back and I know it hurts like day one,  I am sure that all of us have had this happen,  I know I have and I think there will be times like this throughout our journeys that come rushing to the surface.   We don't ever have "closure" because they are not with us,  but you are going to be ok.   Just stay with us and come here often and say whatever you want to say and know that we get it.   We are here because it is not our time and there is still work for us to do.    We are changed, not who we were before and we walk each day trying to get used to our new selves.   Know that you are not alone,

Sandy

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Lou ann, the good news is, the kids love Kira, she will never be forgotten, she is carried all over the land in the hearts of so many. I know that Erica is carried too, by her friends and cousins and that gives me great solace, knowing that she is always tucked in the hearts of many. Lou ann, the progress you have made does not go away, it just got overshadowed by the high emotions from those words you read. We do get thrown back to the early days of our Child's deaths, in various ways over the years. How can we not? So what I noticed is when I would get knocked down, I would not stay down as long as earlier on in grief...perhaps you will find that to be true as well. That we get knocked down, the oxygen sucked out of our lungs for the moment, but that we get back up sooner. Sometimes, when we are in the deep well of grief, we find a purpose and a means to rise up again. Hold on and know that because we are still here, we have a purpose.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Hello friends,

I would like to send a big hug and "Thanks for their service" to all the families of fallen military and service personnel.  We appreciate you.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Thank you friends.  Sorry for the meltdown.  It was like I was running and hit a brick wall.  I knew the book would be sad but totally did not expect it to be that devastating.  Thank you for reminding me Kira's friends still carry her.  She was a much loved kid.  I was able to put my feet on the floor this morning.  I can't go back to that hole I lived in all winter.  My husband has said he never wants to read that book and I dont think I will ever be ready but certainly not now anyway.  I did a good clean when we moved here after Kira died, but am finding all sorts of old furniture and house decor that my boys don't want so am getting rid of.  I am trying to leave everything neat and tidy for them someday.  Must be a grieving parent thing,  as I am constantly thinking about how things will be left for my boys.  But anyway I am going slow as even the old junky furniture, or old flower arrangement, they all have a memory attached to them of a life that I once had but never will again.  No matter how hard I am going to try to pull myself up today and carry on. And I can only do it as I have your love and support.  Finally I have found people who understand.  Bless you all.  

  

 

 

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Louann we all carry each other you never know when it is your turn to need support that is what makes us a community. I am relieved you are finding your footing again. helping to lift each other's spirits is vital.

Dee is right the oxygen gets sucked out but only for a while then you get back up again. Sandy says it so well that we are changed and have to get to know our new selves which is a huge adjustment. We can only do our best with the day before us, one day at a time, and if we falter or fall we have the capacity to get up again and keep trying. Some days are harder than others, some dates are harder than others, even the weather affects our moods and also the moon cycle. Life is always changing, bit like the weather I guess, so we have to keep finding our footing each time.

Colleen I am in agreement with you and stand beside you in thanking all our military and service personnel they are so brave and give their all to allow us freedom and peace. For the first time ever in my small home city of Plymouth we had armed police on patrol for a couple of days in the shopping center because of the elevated security threat. It was quite a sight and not one I am entirely comfortable with. We are a long way from London and Manchester. In the UK our police are generally not armed which I think should change because of the violent upsurge in society but change takes time to become the norm. We have armed police in a few areas but it is rare. The Manchester bombing hit me very hard emotionally because it was directed at children and young adults and was deliberate. I had to avoid the news for a while just so I could reset my mind and not get overwhelmed. When you are feeling emotionally vulnerable some things can swamp you for a little while. it is about being able to recognise the signs and being able to take a step back and reevaluate.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Lou Ann, sending out gentle thoughts. I keep my son's clothes hanging in my closet towards the back. Sometimes I will dare to look at them. Most of the time, I have to put those tangible things to the side. (Dee, don't know if you have that poem, Tangible Things, but seems appropriate if you can post)

Dee, sending more healing prayers your husband's way...I had a prayer confirmation from CBN that he was prayed for.

Sherry, thanks for posting. Hope all is well your way.

Becky, I read the poem you posted today. It carries many of my own thoughts.

It is a hard day. One thing I have discovered recently, is that at times I run out of breath. I had been doing some meditation practices...and noticed how the instructor would instruct on how one draws in their breath and expels it. From there, I noticed I have been breathing in a shallow manner. When I tried to do the breath meditation, I found it very hard to intake air...and release that breath..

When such a huge trauma hits a person, I think this is an automatic thing, to breath like this. I will try to find an exercise on this later and post it. Life has become so incredibly painful now. If anyone has any "helps" they have found, please share.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Jesse David & Taylor Mom

I have found one video from the Dalai Lama on breathing. He demonstrates how to do a breathing meditation...it is about the first 5 minutes of the video...(he has limited english but demonstrates well, starts about 50 secs in). if you try to follow his breathing intake/exhale you may notice how much shorter your breaths are. Try to work up to taking as long as breaths as him. What I have learned is that often one only breaths with the air filling only the upper lungs, not filling the whole lung capacity. This exercise will help that.

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Thanks again everyone.  I was so very badly shaken by the few things I read. I did not  think I would react that bad.  I guess it is hard enough to deal with what we have in our heads let alone the physical reminders too.  While I did get my feet on the floor this morning, I have not been very productive.  I still feel depleted and a little hopeless.  But your support means so very much.

  

  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

I was just thinking that grief is kind of like walking in a mine field.  You never know if the next step will be the one that tears you to pieces.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Love the Dalai Lama Laurie, so thanks. I will post that poem later on, thanks for asking. Yes, to all of our Soldiers, and soldiers around the world, we all are indebted to your brave hearts. We went to the parade in town today with the Grandies and extended cousins. It was good, a hometown way to say thank you to the VETS.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Tangible things

 

They are the possessions we hang on to

long after the event.

The prom dress, yellow satin,

the first skating skirt, double tiered.

her trophies and report cards,

her favorite dolls

and her lefty mitt,

all packed in boxes.

Holy and sacred.

They are things,

the touchstones that I cherish and protect.

 

Dee

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears
15 hours ago, Jesse David & Taylor Mom said:

Thats true

 

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Thinking about that poem. Has anyone had their child's favorite clothes turned into a quilt? If so, how long after did it take for you to be ready to have that happen?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

With all the Memorial Day coverage on TV.....I became very 'blue'....and now....the thoughts go deeper in that I can relate to all the parents..spouses..brothers...sisters...friends and families.....we all develop a deep sacred layer of empathy as we travel our grief journey for others that walk in our shoes. I was invited to a party out of town...but decided to stay at home....so I tied a scarf around my head...put on my gardening gloves...and went to my back yard...music playing....and I pulled weeds...dug up weeds...trimmed...pruned...on Sunday and Monday. This is not a cure..but it is healing....at the end of the day I had released the inner stress that comes when we have those 'meltdown days'. So many songs came on that seemed to match my blues...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

Yes grief is like a minefield ,very accurate Louann.

Love that quilt Dianne. sadly as Tommy lived in Hawaii we only had a very few of his clothes and i put them in a box in the attic except for his favourite hoodie which hangs in the hall. Maybe one day I can do something similar on a much smaller scale. Yesterday I went to try pottery with my cousin who has all her own equipment and glazes etc. I threw a rather wobbly pot and plan to make a memorial plate for Tommy, a way I can make him a gift that is also a keepsake for me. Good to try something new and leaving the house by myself something I had not been able to do for almost 18 months.

Here we all are another day on and making it through, go us!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Mermaid Tears

Dianne...thanks for sharing that amazing quilt....Colleen shared hers....I 'plan' on having one made....many women around here quilt and make them for others...which I will have to do because I am not the gifted seamstress as my Mama....who was a Picasso with a sewing machine.

Yes Lesley....'go us'.....as Dee has stated....we are so brave to live one day more after losing our child....creativity is better than medication...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Susan------thank you for posting the songs.....beautiful....and for the

screen shots with such insightful words.

 

Lori----The Dalai Lama is so wise.  Thank you for the video on

meditation.  I need lots of practice for meditation....many times, I

am not very successful with it.

 

Dianne------thanks for the pic of the t-shirt quilt.  Such a lovely keepsake.

 

Dee-----I remember your poem...so nice.  Keepsakes are treasures for us,

and we do cherish, guard, and protect them. I still have some of David's

childhood toys, and a small box of Lisa's toys, and little clothes. 

 

WISHING ALL   INDIGOS   PEACE,   COMFORT,    AND   A   RESTFUL   NIGHT.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,     Sherry     

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Wow,  the quilt is beautiful.  

Just wanted to share Brians quilt.  We designed the stitch.  It is a picture if Brian snow boarding.

i have 2.  One for each surviving child.

Colleen, Brians Mom forever

IMG_1267.JPG

IMG_1271.JPG

IMG_1273.JPG

IMG_1276.JPG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Your quilts are all lovely. I have wondered if Kira's clothes would be enough to make a quilt for each boy. But my husband and sons don't do well with physical reminders of Kira but they might appreciate more when they are older. Once I'm gone I'm sure they will just put her clothes out to the good will.  Lesley so glad you had a day out for yourself.  I think we all need that once in awhile, but is very hard to do sometimes   I hope you have more days like that.

Dee thanks for the poem and so true.  I cherish everything of kira's but just can't look very often. Glad your husband got out for a walk. Sounds like he is on the mend.

Are there any Nashville predators or Pittsburg penguin fans out there.  Now that Canada is out I'm going for Pittsburg.  !

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
redracer34

I am new to this site. I lost my youngest son 12/6/2013. He was 26. It was a car accident. He was speeding and lost control. Just when I think I am fine I realize I am not. I don't think I will ever get through this.  I have thought about grieve groups but haven't gone yet. I guess I am just reaching out, maybe just venting, not sure.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Redracer34.  You have come to the right place.  I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear son. There are so many kind and compassionate people here to help you. You can say as little or as much as you want. You will get thru. We all walk in your shoes and we understand . Please come back and let us help you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

 I lost my precious 28-year-old son on April 29, 2016. He died as a result of injuries from a motorcycle accident. Losing him took all the joy out of my life. I had broken heart syndrome ( yes it is a real medical term) for the first 6 months and could not work. I have a grown daughter who lives 800 miles away and my 91 year old mother who I resent for being mean to my son and who is still here and he's gone.  I can't believe it's been over a year because my heart still aches like it was yesterday and yet I have somehow survived. My son and I were very close even though he was married with his own life.  My granddaughter, his daughter, she saved my life. I miss my son so much I still cry every day and the smallest things make me start.  I will never  truly be happy again. I am in therapy which is helping some but I am struggling with the fact that he is gone and I'm still here. I feel guilty if I laugh with my granddaughter, like I'm a horrible mother because he's gone and I'm enjoying being with her. I know I sound crazy, maybe I am but is there anybody else out there struggling with similar problems and feelings? Am I a terrible mother because I can laugh?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Nick's mom

I think you are not a terrible mother or grandmother.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
My girl is in heaven

Nicks mom. I am truly sorry for the loss of you precious son.  You are not a terrible mother for laughing with your granddaughter. I'm sure Nick would want to see you both enjoying each other.  She probably needs her grandma so much right now and you need her too.  That is good you are in therapy and you have survived the very difficult first year.  I think we all struggle why we are still here and our children aren't. We would all trade places with them if we could. I don't think I will ever be truly happy again until I can see my daughter, but I just try to take the little joys that once in a while come my way and be thankful for them.  You do not sound crazy, you have suffered the most horrific loss any human being can.  You should be proud of yourself, surviving the first year the best you can and being such a joy to your granddaughter.  There are very many kind and compassionate parents on this site. We will all help you through this journey.  Please come back and share whatever you want to.  You are not alone.  

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

nicks mum if people think u are a bad mum i must be the worst b4 and after my daughters funeral i was laughting and joking with ppl about how my daughter is prob singing and dancing to her music 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

hi everyone i was wondering if you could help me try and explain something to my 9 year old daughter. we walked passed a funeral going on yesterday and by the looks of it it was someone from the forces what she couldnt work out was why did he have a flag and her sister didnt and why was the person wheeled in and not carried in like her 2 year old sister was i no she is only little her self 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

I've so much to respond to...will when I have a moment. Love to All, old and new.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Dianne and Colleen, i love the quilts you have had made from your Sons' clothing. LOVE them and I would imagine that those Tangible Things bring great comfort but yes, tears.  When I see my Grandgirl wearing my Erica's skating skirt, double tiered, I get a big yank on my heart strings, a pull toward that time when Erica was little and skating and the world was filled with possibilities. It took time to see that the world still is filled by goodnesses and that sometimes we have to fight to get there again. No, never the same, but certainly filled with possibilities in new ways. We do make choices each day as to how to live...I wish you enough.

To Redracer and Nick's Mom, the world changed drastically one day for us each...of course you find yourself off-kilter in it all. I am glad that you found us as we may be able to help you feel a bit more connected to this world through the shared kinds of suffering and healing. We do heal, in ways different than from any other kind of hurt, and we are never the same in the same way a soldier is never the same after war...we have two feet in two worlds and a shattered heart that has to be mended with care, love, forgiveness and hope. It takes loads of time, but what I found over time was that as my heart was piecing back together, it was made larger in order to hold both the joys and the grief like a nest, one next to the other. That yin and yang, the knowledge that in each day we take both the joys and the grief with us. Moving forward does not mean forgetting that Beloved Child, moving forward and healing does not mean leaving that Beloved Child behind...not ever will we do that. Moving forward, healing, and finding hope is exactly what you would want for any loved one in grief, so know, that your Beloved Children want this for you. I cannot think of anything more lovely NICK'S Mom, than your Son knowing that his two favorite girls in the World, laugh and find joy in each other's company. NO GUILT> Goodness knows we all have had our share, just by virtue of becoming a parent, a dose of guilt gets born in us...so when we lose a Child, we feel we have failed. WE have not failed, we are still here just because that is the way the world turned. We have to find a way to shine the light of our Dear Kids as best we can because we stand where they no longer can. Not because we did anything wrong, but that happenstance, or illness took them early. Know that our Kids are rooting for us.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members
Tommy's mum

redracer34 you are welcome to join us here and post about your son. I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes it takes a while to be able to reach out for support after losing a child, but it has been proven that a support system like this network really helps in the grieving process. We have all lost children so understand how you feel and the inner turmoil you face coping with loss. share when you can and what you can or just read posts to realise you are not in this alone ok?

Nicksmom you are totally not a bad mom or being disrespectful in any way. people who judge you like that are ignorant. Only someone who has lost a child themself can truly understand the maelstrom of emotions and inner turmoil and changing moods and coping abilities. on the day of my sons funeral I laughed when I came outside the crematorium because there was a v unexpected short sharp rainshower and I just knew it was Tommy getting a laugh in by watching evryone dash for cover. It was also relief because I had managed to read my eulogy, survive being snubbed again by my ex husband and got through the service without puking or making a fool of myself. It is totally ok to laugh, our children want us to fight against grief and return to a kind of normal life again over time. We deserve to find life again and be able to go on for our other children and family members not just be consumed with anxiety and depression forever. I am sorry for your loss but encourage you to come back and post with us too.

darcy12 just tell her the truth people who have served their country in the forces get a flag as a sign of respect. perhaps you could get her a mini flag to put on her sister's grave? As for being wheeled down instead of being carried tell her it is whatever the family decide to do at the funeral. For example I did not want my son to be carried in that was too painful so I asked that he already be put in the front before we went in and that the curtains were not closed until after our family had left the building. We chose cremation instead of burial as that is our family's personal preference. Different people choose different things and all of them are the right thing to do.

Colleen your quilts are lovely too and very personal. It is important that we all have a little something left of our children whether it be a fave toy or instrument, photos and videos, a locket whatever it is we each need to bring us comfort. i have a lock of my son's hair, his handprints and his favourite chidhood toy, his fave hoodie and his fave Air Jordan shoes. all very significant to me. my children all have an item of his clothing and one personal item, a book, a cap and a soft toy. Tommy had very few possessions because of moving around a alot and being burgled so the little we have is very significant. What we all have that is irreplaceable is memories and photos of happy times that noone can ever take away from us. the future gift we can give our spirit children is the pride they will feel when they see how we can all go on successfully in our lives and the positive things we can acheive in their memory.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

we to had my little girl cremated only because i couldnt bear the thought of putting her in the ground as felt like i was leaving she was only carried in by two funeral directors because her coffin was so small 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

Darcy, I work with 9 year olds, we talk honestly and answer frankly with them. The flag was probably due to the person being a soldier or it being near Memorial day. Your Child can pick out something beautiful to put in the yard for her sibling. Just give her truth, but in small doses, if she asks more questions after answering one, she wants a bit more. You can draw the line and tell her that when she is older you can talk about it a bit more but right now, this is enough. It is very hard on the siblings of Kids who die, young and old. Younger kids though, seem to have a more clear view of grief and death. There are many books published for young ones about grief.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

it doesn't help i dont no how to talk to her about anything i feel i get confused im my self. it was like to day i had midwife and she come out with if this one dies do i have to answer all the questions again but at least i get out of class i didnt know whether to laught or cry

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

My sister will make the quilt for me when I'm ready to part with her clothes. I have them all. Well pretty much. There's some I'm wondering where they are at. I think she might have sold them as they were prom dress etc. Her dad I know has a tank top from when they went to Cabo. My sister also asked what kind of pattern my son would want for an Afghan. I said something relating to kiona. Then sent a picture of something she had and told her he picked this pattern and it would give her a run for her money but made me chuckle but she didn't batt an eye or try and get me to choose something different. I am going to make a quilt piece to send to life source for their donor quilt. I need to write a thing about her too. But not ready to give up any sort of clothes yet for this to happen but I have time. 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Members

This is the pic I sent my sister for the Afghan 

image.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

This site uses cookies We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue. and uses these terms of services Terms of Use.