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Loss of an Adult Child


momofJustin

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Lou ann

Your Kira and my Brian do share the June 19 angel date.  My Brian's birthday is July 12.  Not until after Brians birthday can we really try to enjoy the summer.  I will be working this year on July 12, 2017.  Actually have an audit scheduled for that day.  I try to keep busy.

The funeral for Lorri's Kimberly is this Tuesday and Wednesday.  Kimberly will be buried next to Kourtney, her sister.  My heart breaks for Lorri.

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

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Im still hanging in there. Working the same job and coming home. Not a whole lot of activity. Finally broke down to see a dr and was told I need a psychologist because she is sure that Im depressed. Well duh! I dont really think its so much depression as it is just going thru life and getting older.

I do not know the details of Kimberly's death except the visitation/funeral being Tues & Wed like Colleen mentioned. I have had to pull myself away from the wonderful group of friends I originally met here because I found that constantly talking of our loss was not allowing me to move forward. I will never forget what I have lost by any means but the discussion of being hurt everyday was/is not doing me any good. Not a day goes by that I dont think of Kayla and wonder what life would be like. The same thoughts all of us here have.
 
I do have Lorri's phone number but not her address. She is in the same place as before. Dee if your email is the same I can email her number.

My heart aches for all of you treading this journey. I remember the 'firsts' and the questions about my children. Wish I could say it gets easier but it doesnt. Slightly less painful but still the hurt is there.

I have lost my mom, father, and Dad since Kayla's death. Each of them hurt in different ways. I was almost numb and as matter of fact like. Hard to explain except that those 3 didnt compare to the death of my child. I do have a decent relationship with my son and his wife that keeps me motivated to keep going. They recently celebrated their 10 yr anniversary which involved photos of their big day. Why was I not prepared for the photos I was about to see of Kayla? I knew she was a part of the wedding but at the same time it was a huge unexpected surprise that took my breath away. Naturally I had to walk out to compose myself before anybody noticed. Or so I hope.

Thats enough from me. Thank you all.
xo,
Lynn

 

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Lynn, yes, I do have the same email, so I would deeply appreciate your sending her my email...or give me hers if you think she would be okay with it. God Bless Lynn, yes, it sometimes is the only way to go forward is to step away from the daily loss. I will always be glad to talk with you so if ever you want to privately email me, please do.

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Hello to all in the INDIGO family.

 

Lesley---thank you so much for the lovely pic of the rainbow that your son too.

 

Louann----So sorry about the young man who lost his life to a bad infection

in his leg.

 

Sending up payers for our BI friend, Lori, for the devastating loss of her daughter,

Kimberly. Such a tragedy for her family. So sorry to hear.

 

Kate and Georgina----Thinking of you. 

 

Lynn------Good to see your post.  Sorry to hear of your parents'  passing. It's difficult

to lose a parent...to be sure.....but  is  a different loss.  My mom died almost a year

ago, so I have experienced it also.  The loss of a child is like no other loss. The grief

is such a higher degree, and goes so deep.  Peace to you.

 

Dee------Yes, I agree-----Going to ERi's friend's wedding after ERi's death would be so

bittersweet.....no wonder you cried, and went through scads of tissues.  

 

Sending thoughts & prayers to all INDIGOS.  This is a difficult time of year for so many.

WISHING   PEACE   & COMFORT  TO  ALL.

 

Davey&Lisasmom,   Sherry 

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I realized at work today that it's been two months since my daughter left. I still can't believe it but I find myself sitting in my living room listening to her funeral music crying. I can't remember the song that was playing when we followed her out if the sanctuary. I want to hold her again. I want to hold her right. I want to kiss her again. Carrying around her blanket isn't enough. Looking at her pictures isn't enough. Touching her urn isn't enough. I want more. I am so heartbroken and devastated beyond words. Feels like a dream that I'm not waking up from. I get up in the morning. Go to work. Come home. Talk to my son for a bit then do everything thing I can to keep her memory alive and memorialize her. I feel like I'm failing. I somehow failed her when she was here and feel like I'm still doing it. I live you kiona Leigh infinity and then some. 

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Tinay, you are not failing your Kiona now, nor did you before...she loves you to the highest, as you love her. This is going to be a very hard year, the first year just is filled by the ache of wanting more...we get that. Of course you want to hold her, just know though, that she is holding you. And know too that one day, not right away, but one day, you will feel your Daughter held in all you do. she will be with you when you shut your eyes at night and right there when you open them again, she will be woven into your everyday. The work you are doing to try to keep her memory alive is part out of what you feel you owe her, and part the fear of forgetting, I remember that panicked feeling that I may forget something...and finally I realized that I could trust my heart; I would remember all that was most dear and hold it close, I would never forget my Girl.Once I was able to let some of the reconstruction of her life go...I had more room to remember than I had prior. YOu hang on, as long ago as 2 months is without our Child, it is still very early in grief, so give yourself a little hug, now again, only bigger. Your Daughter needs you to remember that she loves you and therefore you must take good care of YOU>

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Tommy's mum

Colleen hope you are doing ok I understand that time shift ,so recent and then so long ago all at the same time. I feel that too, also some days I am ok with it and then others I can't believe my son is gone from this earth forever and the shock hits all over again. However I find my recovery time is shorter with these aftershocks of awareness.

Louann sounds like your husband is experiencing an aftershock bless him. They are so painful and sad. Men do greive differently to women they tend to stop talking and hold it in more and sometimes it comes out more in anger. Just be patient with him he will talk when he is ready.

Lynn it was good of you to share the news of how to contact the family of a former Indigo. I cannot imagine the devastation of that poor family and I think they will appreciate you all reaching out to help them in this time of sorrow. They know you all will be there for the long haul as you were the first time when they are ready. just find myself shaking my head at the cruelty of it all, heartbreaking. You have suffered a lot of losses yourself in the recent time I am so sorry. Each one must be very difficult but you are right nothing compares to the loss of a child. My parents are elderly but luckily in good health and I depend so much on them. The knowledge that they wont be here forever always ticks away in my mind but at their age it is more the norm and expected, whereas a child/adult child has not experienced life to the full or acheived any of the adult milestones, they were cut down in their prime.

Sherry I am glad you liked the rainbow. I guess we all look for small signs from our children any little thing that lifts our spirit and eases the sorrow a little.

Dee your words to Tinay are so wise and comforting. Where would we all be without each other? The support and understanding on this site are so welcome. I have gained a lot from being here and making new "cyber" friends.

Tinay it is ok, we all fall apart from time to time and your loss is so recent still, so raw and fresh. It is about gradually becoming aware of the permanency of loss and each time it happens you are freshly wounded all over again. Just remember your precious Kiona is not gone forever she walks beside you every day willing you on except you cannot see her. You will see her again I promise just not in this lifetime and what a joyful loving reunion it will be you will have so much to catch up on. On my Tommy's order of service at his funeral I quoted "It's not goodbye, it's see you later" and I think that is a powerful message to all of us whatever your faith/non faith. We will see our beloved children later just not now.

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My girl is in heaven

Lesley. Glad you liked the Tommy flowers, now Kira wouldn't be in my garden by herself.  Yes I'm not sure what triggered it but he just suddenly had his own private breakdown.  But he just won't talk about it. June is coming and I know that is already weighing heavy on me.  

Colleen. My Kira's birthday is January 21st. As soon asChristmas is over (as if that wasn't hard enough to get thru) it just starts building a little everyday until the 21st and then am really taken down that day. I know what you mean you just can't go on much til those days are over. 

Tinay Ericas mom and Tommys mom have given you some really good advice.  At 2 months I was still walking around in complete shock and disbelief.  You are able to work , connect with your son, and seek justice for your daughter. Along with dealing with your grief, you are handling things as well as can be expected.  Accepting the finality of it takes awhile. But i agree with the other moms she is there right beside you and you will see her again someday.  It took me a long time to believe this. However you think you let Kiona down, you didn't.  You raised a beautiful, kind and much loved girl.  We couldnt be with our daughters when they died.  We had no idea they were in trouble as we would have moved heaven and earth to save them. Keep taking things one day or even one hour at a time.  The first year will be difficult but everyone here will be with you every step of the way. I do wish I'd found this site sooner.  Close your eyes and feel all our loving arms around you. You are not alone. 

 

 

 

  

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Mermaid Tears

Colleen....just had to reach out to you about the 'moving on'..... I think we feel the 'moving on' more because we live in a 'that was then...this is now' kind of limbo life. For me....everything is measured..observed...watched..felt....in a distinct 'before and after'....and yes...time has a different kind of 'tick tock' to it. The  first years..felt so unbalanced....and now I count time...in such an odd way.....and we see our child' friends growing...getting married...the first child...etc. I am blessed in that I live in this town with his old friends..and he is not forgotten. So many parents feel as if their child has been completely forgotten...and that is a hard wall to hit in that many go on with their lives...and your child's name is never mentioned. There are parents whose family members do not even say their name. For them...that is like pouring salt in a wound...not only do they grieve...but they have to grieve alone.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Thinking of you all. I have read some posts about going to other people's milestone events for their children. I will admit, I did not go to 3 of my very longtime friend's events that they had. (All were marriages). I just couldn't and I sent a well chosen card with a gift. It was only late last year I was finally able to attend such a function, but this friends daughter was much younger than my own children, so it was easier. Hopefully, your friends will understand, mine were okay with it. 

I send gentle thoughts to those newer treading this path. I have read some of the posts from those who have walked longer, there will always be those low points...and it is then, I have found the need to be with my fellow bereaved parents. I can tell you that my mom, (and dad) still have their mourning periods for my sister.

To, the member (Lorri) who lost her second child, I send prayers of love. I remember the Indigo member who lost a second child (was Trudi), I felt shaken by that for days. 

I am posting this piece of writing by Dr. Gordon Livingston who worked as a psychiatrist. He is also a parent twice bereaved. In one thirteen-month period, he lost his eldest son to suicide, his youngest to leukemia:

I am a parent twice bereaved.
In one thirteen-month period
I lost my oldest son to suicide and my youngest son to leukemia.
Grief has taught me many things about the fragility of life
and the finality of death.
To lose that which means the most to us
is a lesson in helplessness and humility and survival.

After being stripped of any illusions of control I might have harbored,
I had to decide what questions were still worth asking.
I quickly realized that the most obvious ones -- 
Why my sons?  Why me? --
were as pointless as they were inevitable.
Any appeal to fairness was absurd.

I was led by my fellow sufferers,
those I loved and those who had also endured irredeemable losses,
to find reasons to go on.

Like all who mourn
I learned an abiding hatred for the word "closure,"
with its comforting implications
that grief is a time-limited process 
from which we will all recover.

The idea that I could reach a point when I would no longer miss my children
was obscene to me and I dismissed it.
I had to accept the reality that I would never be the same person,
that some part of my heart, perhaps the best part,
had been cut out and buried with my sons.
What was left?
Now there was a question worth contemplating.

-- Gordon Livingston, MD, in
Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now

My mom this May by my sister's site. My sister was ran over by a drunken driver in 2003 and left.

mom.JPG

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Mermaid Tears

thank you, Laurie....you send us the most mind provoking articles....and we finally understand....grief has a shape for each of us....one size does not fit all....this kind of grief comes in very personal sizing...and fittings.

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Wish I could talk right now but I cannot, just asking for prayers: My husband had a heart attack today, he called the paramedics and has had a surgery that inserted two stints and one balloon. I will keep you posted as I can.

 

dee

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My girl is in heaven

Ericas mom.  Praying so hard for you and your husband right now.  Keep us posted when you can.   Hugs and prayers that everything is ok.  

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Precious Dee I have sent word to the others on our private facebook page. Prayers warriors are doing their thing...PRAYING. Take care and check in when you can.
Much love!

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Dee

Prayers said here

Colleen, Brian's Mom forever 

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Hey thanks EVERYONE...he is such a private man...he'd hate my telling you all, but oh well. He is doing well tonight so thank you for the great and positive thoughts. He is resting and his vitals are good. Sleep well and thank you.

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Tommy's mum

Dee I am so sorry about your husband. Sending loving thoughts of healing to your family.

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Mermaid Tears

Dee...happy to hear he is doing well in recovery. Keep us posted.

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Tommy's mum

Dianne i thank you. It is with a heavy heart that i follow the news as I know there are going to be so many families affected by this recent atrocity, and how I understand the pain of losing a child only too well. Innocent kids at a concert enjoying themselves, such unbelieveable evil. We can never understand how killing others can ever be justified. At least the bomber blew himself up too so the UK do not have to bear the cost of a trial and incarcerating that monster.

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Mermaid Tears

The horror...the carnage...still makes me sick ...nauseous. I agree Lesley....that we don't have to coddle the bomber and give him a warm bed and 3 meals a day...spend $$$$ for court...and make the parent's face a trial.

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InHeavensKeeping

Dee I hold you and your husband in my heart and prayers. I glad he's doing better as you know Kevin had the same in August I know the panic and the stress. I felt I couldn't do this without him by my side. Be safe Dee xx

Thank you Diana I just can't believe this world we live in any more. All those parents and siblings now in the heart breaking club.  Such a senseless cowardly violent act on young children and families.  And there are still children and parents missing  just awful and so terribly sad. 

Lorie the article was so good how he describes his hate of the word 'closure' I still have people now saying "you need closure" and I jump in saying there is no closure there never will be   So hard  

We have a meeting with the Air Ambulance and one of the doctors who treated James at the scene.  I must admit I'm terrified.  But it's another mountain we have to climb to have a chance of finding the truth then justice for James.  The case is rolling along as slow as the police can make it  our solicitor has said this is typical police when they are covering up  this stil knocks me to the floor when I think about it.

I am taking each day as it comes and what it throws at me so up and down the panic attacts are easing still have them but not as much.  The meltdowns are still daily but I get back up and keep going although I hate the moving further and further away from the last day I saw James  

i still go to the grave every day and the scene on the date every month  that will never change it's all I can do for James now. 

Gid Bless gxxx 

 

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InHeavensKeeping

I thought I'd share this xxx

 

 

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I woke up right the time they called 911 March 21st. Tried going back to sleep. It took me a bit. Then I woke about the time I think he dad got the news. It was before me. I went back to sleep. Again, it took me a bit. I slept till about 3 this afternoon. Now I keep looking at the clock and doing a time line in my head of events that took place that dreadful day. Some is a blur. I don't remember the time I got home. It was a long day if driving. 3 hours there and 3 hours back. I hate this life I have to live. I thought I had today is what do I have to look forward to. Usually I wake up and think oh, this is happening next. I don't have that anymore. My niece and brother must have felt this because they both said they are going to try and come see me this weekend. I know I have things to look forward to with my son. It's getting harder to be "happy" in his presence. I wish I could send him to his dad's for a week to have time alone. I don't think I can take that time off from work yet. Plus he doesn't like spending that much time at his dad's. It's not his dad, it's his stuff is here and he can't sleep at his dad's. I don't know if this feeling is because I want to wallow in my pain or it's something I need to do. I'm still numb most of the time. I'm so heartbroken and devastated. 

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SITTING AT THE HOSPITAL WITH MY HUSBAND, HE IS SO UNABLE TO SLEEP...AGITATED. I THINK THAT ALL THE MEDS JUST PLAY HAVOC WITH HIS BODY.

I TOO AM SENDING THE DEEPEST SYMPATHIES TO ALL OF YOUR UK CITIZENS...AND TO US ALL, AS WE ONCE AGAIN MOURN THE LOSS OF INNOCENCE. AS WE ONCE AGAIN SEE WHAT BLIND HATRED CAN DO...PLEASE GOD HELP US TO BE STEWARDS OF PEACE, LET US FIND WAYS TO COUNTERACT HATRED. AND MAY THE FAMILIES WHO NOW HAVE TO FACE LOSING A CHILD OR LOVED ONE TO THIS HATRED, PLEASE HELP THEM FIND WAYS TO CARRY THE TORCH OF LOVE FORWARD.

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Dee, I sent out prayer requests on some prayer sites...sending healing thoughts for your hubby!

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Prayers also are sent for you Georgina, I remember those meetings, they were extremely hard. Hugs.

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My girl is in heaven

Dee.  How is your husband.  Hope things are going well. Have been thinking about you so much.

So tragic, all those families starting down the grief road in losing their precious babies.  

Jesse David and Taylor's mom.  I love that post.  And everything oh so true, but can only be understood by other grieving parents.  What a tragic way for your sister to die.  Must be so heart breaking for your mom to lose both daughter and grandchildren.  And for you of course.  I can relate to you having to be around your bereaved parent friends, you guys are saving my life.  

In heavens keeping.  I am fairly new here.  Am truly sorry for the loss of your son. You parents that have the added burden of seeking justice for your child, are so courageous.  As if just the fact that your child is gone is not enough to deal with.  I am glad you are taking things one day at a time and finding the strength to keep going even though your heart is broken. Be strong.  Hugs to you.

Tinay.  I'm so sorry you are struggling.  I have only just stopped the last few weeks of playing that day over in my head.  And i am almost six years in.  I tortured myself for almost 6 years of that replay. And it doesn't matter how many times you go over it is always the same outcome. I know it is easier said than done but I hate to see you put yourself thru that. I understand you said you are numb, Heartbroken and devastated.  I still feel all those things sometimes but as time goes on it will soften a little.  And you need to be there for your son and make his life the best it can be.  That's why im still here is to make life as good as I can for my husband and two sons.  My heart aches for you, as your pain almost jumps off the screen it is so heartwrenching.  I know I hate my life too, this was not the life we wanted but unfortunately we got.  The first year will be hard, but you will get thru.  If you want to talk on phone , email, text, anytime day or night I will be here for you.  You be strong your for you r boy and Kiona.  Much love

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Jesse David & Taylor Mom

Tina, it is still very new for you...What I have told others is advice given to me by my therapist...I made a "safe spot" in my home...I selected an over stuffed chair in the corner...bought a very soft throw, gathered my books, special teas, and other items there. When I felt too overwhelmed, I just retreated there. I also took Lorazapam which helped my nerves...especially when anxiety peaked in the mornings. (ie. I would throw up from the grief).

Perhaps with your son, it is a hard, sensitive time. I don't think at 2 months you can have any expectations on yourself. My daughter wanted to be physically close with us - my husband and myself. There was time when I needed to seclude yes. But being together will help with some stabilization. If I felt the need to have a cry and scream fit (which was plenty) I found a spot to do that...fortunately, I live in the country so it was easier. Hugs.

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Tommy's mum

inheavenskeeping good luck with the air ambulance meeting etc it will be tough but may help ou ultimately with some answers. It is all part of the journey finding facts speaking to those involved and putting together a fuller picture of what happened. Thank goodness for our emergency personnel who try and save our loved ones.

Tinay keep going my friend you are doing ok. It is like being in a snowglobe that has been shaken violently, everything is swirling around you cannot see which way is up or down your vision is blurred and you dont know which way to go its confusing. I too lost time and even now find it difficult to know the day or date, I guess because I am on disability and dont have a set schedule it makes each day a bit of a blur.

Dee I hold you in my thoughts and hope your husband makes a full recovery soon. It must be so scary for you all. 

Laurie I like the safe spot idea. Too often we want to retreat from the world and curl up into a ball and that sounds like a great place to be. I did screaming too a couple times and it helped. I take Venlafaxine which helps with the depression and also have a few diazepam for emergencies which I have not needed for 5 months as I am mostly able to talk myself down now but it is there.

Louann I dont think many of us like our lives now. In a few minutes it all changed and we became bereaved parents. So tough to deal with.

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My girl is in heaven

Even though I didn't know Lori, my heart just aches at the thoughts of her burying a second child today.  I wish there was something I could do for her.

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My heart just cried when I heard about all the children who were lost in the terrorist attack in Manchester.  I was hysterical with tears because I know what they will have to go through.  The sudden traumatic loss, the unanswered questions, the lack of justice. it's suck a long and painful journey and I hate to think of others having to try to navigate it. It's so difficult and I can't even turn on the news now. It made me want to hide away again and not engage with anyone.

I'm a lunatic the last few days, as I'm on high doses of hormones that my body isn't used to and it's so disconcerting. I ended up going to the ER and getting some IV fluids and a blood transfusion when they realized how much blood I had lost.  I am seeing a specialist now, and the high doses of hormones have slowed but not stopped things.  The plan is to take the whole mess out, which comes with it's own set of loss but I am looking forward to at the same time.  These issues have gone on for me for the better part of three years and I'm tired of being in pain and having to carry so many extra pads and changes of clothes around in my bag. I'm really just exhausted, but at least now we have a plan.  We have to wait for a few biopsies to come back, and for them to test my BRCA1 & 2 gene mutations.  If those are fine, they only take some out but if they come out positive, it's the whole shebang. I just want it all over with but am trying to be patient. It's hard to be patient when your body is pumped full of estrogen though... blargh.

My heart cries for Lorri. That's my worst fear right now is losing my other child. It's the leading cause of my anxiety and I grapple so often with being protective and allowing him to live his life as normally as possible.  My thoughts go out to her even though we've never met. This is such a hard day for her, I will keep sending positive thoughts.

Through all this nonsense with my health, they keep asking me how many pregnancies I've had and how many living children.  It's like ripping off a bandage over and over for me. It was always hard since I have had 4 pregnancies two of which were late stage stillbirths and only two live births.  Now that I only have one living child, it makes it so heavy to answer that question. Some times I have to explain it and that just makes it so I relive each one and it leaves me rattled for days.

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Divianz...I had so much hormone crap go on too, I had endometrosis from the time I was a young woman, so lots of pain and bleeding. I had fertility issues and had to go on some strange drugs back in the mid-1970's. When the call came in from the hospital when Erica was struck by the train, I had a period. By the middle of that night, I didn't. Amazing ways our bodies work to try to protect us... knowing that the shock i was in could not also deal with excessive blood/iron loss. I then began the road of menopause, and mine was very hard, it was not like that for either of my sisters, but I had a lot of issues...then I had breast cancer, but not Bracca, and no mastectomy, but radiation after two surgeries. Now, after being on meds for 5 years I am off meds and feel like my body has a more even temperature...(13 years of hot flashes). So I well know how hard it is to cope with hormonal imbalances and I am holding your hand. I wish you a good outcome with your health. Hang on.

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Is there nobody here today?

 

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I'm here. About ready to head to work. Though I can respond at any time

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My girl is in heaven

How is your husband Dee?

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Hey, I am springing him from the hospital after school sometime today...

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My girl is in heaven

Oh so good to hear.  Sounds like he must be coming along well.  

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Mermaid Tears

Dee....am here...off and on....so much going on....with Graduation parties...took 3 Sr. boys to lunch yesterday...one is going to U of Texas...another to A&M...both football scholarships...and the other to Baylor...Pre-Med....we send our boys and girls off with care and prayers. Glad to hear your husband is coming home...it is so hard to sleep/rest in the hospital...his recovery/healing will be better at home.

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Tommy's mum

hi guys I was late getting on today because I was busy playing in my yard and taking in some welcome sun and refreshing breezes. In the UK the sun is often absent so when it appears we all do our laundry to get it dry on the line outside, and garden, befor the next rain!

Dee so glad to hear your husband is being freed from hospital what a relief for you all. Wow stress has a lot to answer for doesn't it? You really have had a tough time of it medically too, I am glad you are doing well. being 52 I get the awful hot flashes even though I had a total hysterectomy years ago.

mermaidtears yep it is that time of the year. my youngest daughter finishes college this week and hopes to graduate in July. She had to take a year off college after her brother was killed and I had a mental breakdown and suicide attempt, so I am so proud of her for having the guts to go back and complete her degree. One more son still in college, two years to go and then hopefully my chicks will all be out in the world as working adults. Gosh how time flies, seems like only a few years ago they were in elementary and middle school.

Devianz I am sad you are having such a rough time physically I hope the treatment you decide on will give you better health. That question of how many children have you got? is a real kicker. I reply 4 and leave it at that. If questioned further I answer about my living 3 and that usually leads to and the other one? I take a deep breath and tell them Tommy was killed in an accident in 2015 and that is usually the end of the conversation as they feel awkward. It depends on who you are talking to and how strong you feel that day as to whether you enlarge on the topic of your spirit children or not. How tragic that you also lost two babies prebirth too, that must be very painful. You are stronger than most women to have come through so much heartache, even if you don't see it yourself. I understand how you fear for your other son,it is normal and natural, but as parents we need to encourage our kids to be independent and grow up without our own fears affecting them. I struggled with a lot of anxiety Inside when my other kids left the house initially, and I still hate them leaving when they have come for the w/e but I enjoy the time we are together and try to hide my sadness. I don't want them to worry about me. It is really hard though i totally get it.

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Hi All,

thanks again for all of your well wishes. Husband is home doing okay...very hard for him to not dig in the garden...but no digging for 3 weeks according to the doctor. I am at school and my Son is visiting with Husband to keep an eye on him.

 

Blessings for a beautiful DAY.

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Dee,

I am so glad that your husband is home and on the mend. It's so tough seeing others in illness and I am happy to hear your son is watching over him. If he's anything like me, he hates sitting still and always pushes himself too hard while recovering. It's a gorgeous day today and I am sure that the kids in your classroom are just itching to get outside at the end of this school year and enjoy the sunlight. When I was a kid, the sunlight on my face with my eyes closed while the breeze kissed my eyelashes was the best feeling in the world.  It was the only time I really felt free. Hoping you have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend and enjoy your holiday off. Summer is almost here. Almost.

Lesley,

I don't find it hard to talk about Nathan to others lately. I want people to know him like I knew him, his music, his laughter, his giving heart. So I share whenever possible, and I've never really cared what other people think so they can judge and they can speculate but I'll only give them light because that is what he was to me. A light.

I do find it hard to talk about the two others, because those are so much more complicated.  With what I am going through now with my lady bits, it has to be explained for health reasons but since I am going through therapy and have begun to work on my past wounds and traumas to help me heal and move on after Nathan's death, it feels more painful because I am still dealing with resolving those issues. Plus they have me on those damned hormones and I am a lunatic now. A total roller coaster. It's no good at all.  Thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

Margo

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JD's Mom, Becky

Dee, I am praying for your husband that he will heal quickly and completely. 

There are so many new folks here, it breaks my heart. Here is a poem I wrote early in my grief.

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My girl is in heaven

 Becky, what a beautiful poem.  Many days I long for the promised land, the place where my daughter dwells.  I was at dentist today and that incredibly bright light they have was shining directly in my face and for a moment I wondered if that is what the light is like.  Sitting right there in the dentist chair i could have been quite content to look into that light, reach out and take my daughters hand and be gone with her. I guess only a grieving parent would think of that. 

Devianz andDee.  So sorry for all the health and hormonal issues you are having.  I hope you both get everything looked after.  Devianz, am truly sorry for all the child losses you have suffered.  Life is so unfair. When I was still working a new girl started and at break was going around the table asking everyone how many kids they had, my heart started pounding and before they got to me I got up and left. That is so difficult to answer, so sorry you had to go thru that.  

Lesley glad you got a bit of sun anyway.  It has actually been quite rainy here a lot to.  Heart still breaks for the Manchester parents. 

  There is something I just wanted to ask all of you. What do you do about your lost child's friends and thier parents?  Right from the beginning I have not wanted to have any contact with them.  I wish all her friends the very best but do not want to know where they are, whether they are going to school, getting married, having babies.  I dont want to sit around with them and reminiscing.  Not one of the parents have ever called, sent a card, note or anything. You know, the ones who all came to the funeral with that phony concerned look on their face, saying let me know if there is anything they could do.  But really they are just thinking how glad they were that it isn't there kid, walked out and went right one with their lives never giving us or Kira a second thought.  I ran into kiras best friend a couple times and was polite but i noticed how her looks had changed and of course I couldn't help.but think what Kira would look like now.  I know a lot of parents get a great deal of comfort in seeing their child's friends but I just dont.  I hope that Kira would not be upset with me. But I just don't want to know anything about them.  Is this being a bad mom ?id really appreciate any feedback.  Thanks

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Lou Ann-i it doesn't make you a bad parent and I'm sure Kira understands. I go through that too. I don't want to see any of Kiona's friends or their parents either. I don't want to see them getting on. I like to think and believe that our children don't feel anything but love and understanding for us. I don't believe they look down and have disappointment in our decisions and feelings. They know how hard this journey is for us and are only wrapping their angel wings around us as we tredge through each minute of every day.

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Lou Ann, I love being with my Daughter's friends, always have. I love watching how their lives change and grow...it makes my heart happy to see the ways they have grown up and decisions that they have made. I have gone to 4 weddings since Erica died in 2003, have held many new babies born to friends since Erica died. For me, it affirms Erica's place in the hearts of those who loved/love her...these are the lives that she would still be hanging with if she were here in person...and still does hang out with them in her new ways.

This is just how I have always felt since Eri left this place. There is no right or wrong way to grieve as long as you do not hurt yourself or others in your grief.

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IA long time friend that we disconnected with just reached out to say hi. She asked how I was. I told her not good most days. She said that wasn't like me and I was such a strong lady. I told her about my daughter and just cried.

I think for me, it's just too soon for me to be able to be ok being around them. I don't want to burst into tears and ruin their moment (s). It's not easy for me to just excuse myself. I don't drive so can't leave gracefully. I don't want them to think they have to take care of me during their time. I did go to hospital to see my niece's best friends baby. That was way hard. We didn't stay long. I didn't go back on any other further trips to see her. She understood. 

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Tommy's mum

Louann your topic was an interesting one. i do keep in contact with a few of Tommy's friends but that is easy for me living in a different country the distance is beneficial. I guess you go with your gut as to how you choose whom to see. I can imagine it being very difficult to see Kira's friends growing up and changing and hard to maintain friendships with the parents too. Many people struggle with death and how to deal with family after, it can get very awkward. Kira would never think of you as a bad Mom, and neither do we. It is important to surround yourself with good, genuine kind people not those who have an agenda or are judgemental. If a relationship is meant to continue, that person will eventually reach out to you, understanding that you needed to withdraw to save yourself at that time.

I am glad Dee that you are able to step in and be there in place of Erica and enjoying her friendships and feeling included that is something she would be very happy about.

Tinay it is still very recent for you and in those earlier days emotions change like the wind so making decisions is not always easy. It is best to protect yourself and make choices as they come up one by one. No one likes to feel so unsure of how they will react so it is common for bereaved parents to withdraw a bit from people until you feel more ready to face the world.When you are ready to face a situation or person you will do so, just for a short time whilst acknowledging to yourself it may be painful and bring up "stuff" in your mind it will be a step further on. I have withdrawn from many of my own friends and some family because I was unable to deal with myself. If they are still there for me after I apologised and explained how difficult and painful it has been for myself that is great. If they dont get it that is also ok we move on and the relationship becomes more superficial and inconsequential. true relationships stand the test of time and distance and you are able to pick up where you left off before.

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